#dw i am over him now!!! no more 3d men!!!

[kiyoominous]

test drive (miya atsumu)

synopsis: miya atsumu, despite popular belief, is enamoured by long-term relationships. it just sucks that his girlfriend doesn't and all you can do is just watch everything around him burn.

pairing: miya atsumu/reader

warnings: mentions of a toxic relationship

genre: fluff, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort

cross posted to ao3!! 

Atsumu loves his girlfriend. So much. He loves the way her fingers curl around his, the warmth of her smile, the taste of her lips. Osamu jokingly says that he's so in love that it's sickening. But somewhere deep inside him, he knows that her charm is just a wall that's bound to tip over.

He's seen the way she stares at him. Her eyes are always half-lidded, as if she only wants him for pleasure. After back to back nights with entangled legs and heaving bodies, he starts to think that maybe it's true.

He's seen the way she sits with his friends. Once he brought her to an Inarizaki VBC reunion dinner and she didn't laugh once. Not at Suna's jokes, not at Aran's quips, not even at him. She smiled sweetly at them but he could see the poison dripping from her features. When they left, she was all over him and told him how much fun she had and he forgot that she ever made that face.

He's seen the way she steals his time from him. When was the last time he hung out with any of his friends on his lonesome? He couldn't tell you. If he isn't doing volleyball related things, he always finds her clinging onto his arm or hovering over him or squirming underneath him.

Atsumu knows that these are red flags that are practically flapping around right in front of him but he stays unsure. What if he's overthinking it? Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is the compromise that he needed to practice in relationships. Besides, she's so beautiful, so intelligent, so radiant. He doesn't want to lose her over such minor details, he loves her too much.

What is love truely like anyway?

He knows he loves Osamu, volleyball, his friends. But that's different, right? At this point, the differences are arbitrary because he feels love is not the relationship that he's drowning in now. He loves her and she loves him but every time she's around, he can't breathe. It's not the good kind of breathlessness either. Atsumu feels like he's being held down. He doesn't like it but he figures that maybe her demanding nature could whip him into shape or something.

After all, the last time he told her that he felt insecure about her love, she proclaimed that he wasn't allowed to feel like that ever again because it made her feel doubtful too.

In amongst the whirlwinds in his mind, he always finds himself trailing back to you. You, the childhood friend who played pretend with him and Osamu every day after school. You, his personal tutor when exams were creeping up on him. You, the person who made his heart feel so full and happy.

Perhaps you were love personified. But he'll never know anything of you, of your love, of maybe his love for you. He doesn't even remember the last time he spoke to you. It's a good thing that you do.

It was right before he was swept up from his feet by infatuation. He used to talk your ear off about her all the time, until he didn't. You met her once too, being met with the same poisonous smile. With every passing day, he notified you of at least one thing that she did that day and it became painfully obvious that she wasn't in it for his whole. Each fragment was minor on its own but piling it all together painted a big red flag. You hated it.

His incessant texting became more infrequent and suddenly, he wasn't talking to you anymore. Every time you messaged him, you were met with radio silence. Not even the hostile kind, just one full of emptiness and nothing. If you have to be honest, you miss it. The 'good morning' texts, the pictures he sent whenever he met up with Osamu, the secrets you two would whisper in the dead of the night.

You miss Atsumu.

So you message his twin brother, your other childhood friend that you haven't lost yet.

To: samu

how's atsumu, by the way?

kinda miss him :(

From: samu

you miss him?? D:

jks, i miss him too

his girlfriend broke up with him a week ago so not very well

You will never admit it but you love him so dearly. How could you not, he's a shooting star that burns so brightly that the image of him is engrained in your retinas. An explosion of personality, you had once kindly put it. You only registered that you felt such a poignant emotion for him when it was too late, when he had set his eyes on the girl that just shattered him into pieces.

Nothing could ever compare to the pang in your chest when you realise that he isn't and wasn't being loved the way that he should be.

Atsumu's lost all that he loves and all you can do is watch. No reaching out, no late night drives to his place for a cry, no laughter filling his empty apartment. He's drifted away and it's gonna take a miracle for either of you to float back to each other.

But then again, you can make that miracle happen, right?

And you do while standing at his front door, shivering in the November cold. You knock once and the door immediately flies open, revealing a snotty-nosed Atsumu. You'd laugh at the sight but sorrow washes over you too quickly. His eyes widen like saucers as he chaperones you into his one-bedroom apartment.

It's not long before you're both hunched over in laughter, anger and misery all in the same breath.

"She said that she jus' wanted to test me out. What am I, a second hand Honda Civic?" he practically spits.

"Personally, I think you're more of a Mercedes kind of guy." you reply in jest. Atsumu smiles warmly for a moment before he gives you a look of mock betrayal. The warmth spreading through his chest reminds him that he missed all of this, all of you. He hopes you don't catch him getting all soft and sappy.

"Mercedes, huh? I'm not good enough to be a Ferrari?" you can only giggle back at him.

The conversation dips into silence for a moment and you feel the weight of it draped over you like a blanket. A stupidly heavy blanket. Atsumu thankfully opens his mouth to speak.

"Thanks for comin' over, I wasn't expectin' ya to after..."

"I know. In any other circumstance, I would've had every right to be mad so it helps that I'm not a jerk."

"Shut yer trap."

"Love you too." Somehow, the words held a bit too much love in them when you let them slip from your lips.

With that, Atsumu decides that he wants to watch Finding Nemo — apparently the 'best animated film of all time' — with you in tow. Who are you to say no to his innocent request?

The glow of the flat screen fills the once dark and empty apartment. The blonde finds that he's not paying as much attention to the animated fish on screen as he usually does. Nemo's not as interesting as you are, he muses. Unlike him, your eyes are fixed to the aquatic story in front of you, legs tucked under crossed arms. 

As he periodically steals glances at you, he thinks that after he heals from this mess, after he becomes more whole, he'll come to you. No matter how long it takes for him to get over his former lover, you’ll be the one he’ll aim for. You burn way brighter than she did anyway.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Saturday 27 May 1837

8 10

12 5

fine morning good kiss last night staid with A- till one and a half - A- had Mr. SW- I saw him for a minute or 2 – there seems some chance of his selling my 2 bays for me – has asked Mr. Jones a hundred guineas – might he take pounds – yes! expects an answer from Hardcastle in a few days about the road to the wood I am buying of him – breakfast at 9 10 ten minutes before at which hour F55° - sat talking till 10 – at which hour wrote the last 4 lines of yesterday (had written the next preceding 10 lines before breakfast) and so far of today – then had Holt till near 12 – shewed him the estate (Mr. Bates’s) of the pen-trough and Rolling clow = £110 – he agreed with with £50 should be struck off – settled that the Manns’ are to have 9/6 per yard for the whole of the Long goit and that the bill for taking up level paid last Saturday week   should therefore be thrown in which will make the whole charge for labour = about £397 – said I should give something over – mentioned 40/. H- thought 20/. enough – they would think as much of it as of two pounds – it seems the Long goit would loose the whole of Mr. Wilson’s upper bed coal – H- mentioned the sale of 2 sixths of the Northowram coal left by Mr. Clarke to his six nieces (6 Miss Clarkes) and John Oates’s daughter = 7 if she

SH:7/ML/E/20/0067

she will sign away a free right of road thro’ Pule farm (occupied by John Dean) for which said they now pay £10 per annum – Holt advised her to sign nothing – the £10 a year rent better than her 7th share of the coal valued by H- at not more than £700 and 6 old cottages in Kale (as pronounced) Lane, above Staups leading to Northowram which 6 cottages with a little ground attached H- values at £300 – of the Northowram coal Stocks has 2 sixths, Holts cousins Holt 1 sixth, somebody else one sixth, and the 2 on sale are to be sold in June – I asked H- if he meant to bid – no!   would he not be at the sale – did not know – the coal of no value to him – he said it would be bought cheap – I said it would be foolish to let Stocks get it for next to nothing – for 4 or 5 hundred pounds – 100 DW. of upper bed and 100 DW. of Low bed – sold for £1200 at the time of Swaines’ bankruptcy – H- thinks it not worth more now than it was then – it was then – Stocks had but one sixth at 1st – gave £350 for the other sixth he bought some time ago – H- said the coal was of no value to him – he had no privileges – owned it was worth money to me – I said we would talk it over – but bade him not say anything about it – I thought Stocks tottering if he could not agree with Mr. Wilson – yes! said H- I was surprised the other day to find that to old S- had £2000 on bond from a person I never suspected’ – H- has heard of all being sold at old Mrs. Stocks’ death – I must think about this Northowram coal – H- says there is no occasion to sell Low bed coal at less than 9d. at Listerwick pit – seems to think trade will get up again, and appeared in good spirits – said there was no colliery to pay much but this here – Rawson all in trouble – Wilson all in pumping – had told H- the other day I could save him all that but H- laughed and said oh! yes! but you are [better] pumping – Stocks’s coal almost done – wrote all but the first 3 ½ lines of today till now (12 25) – Little Mary and Mrs. Sutherland’s housekeeper Mrs. Hannah Heap came between 11 and 12 to stay a few hours by way of introduction – A- gave me £50 just after Holt went to help to settle with the Manns this evening instead of sending to the bank – then with A- and little Mary – at their luncheon – out with them at 1 5 at the Lodge – left them there and back with Bairstow at 2 ¼ and had him till 3 ½ - had found B- Booth Robert Mann and Blythe all at the Lodge about the gates-hanging – shewed Bairstow Mr. Bates’s plan of the pen-trough and asked him to come over early tomorrow morning with Mr. Holt to see the wheel-race, and give me an estate of what he could do the pentrough and rolling clow for – there would be 35 bolts (recommended 3/4in.) 6ft. 7in. long and 12 bolts  6ft. 3in. long for the pen trough at from 2/9 to 3/. each     suppose £7.

I calculated from 23 to 25 red deals 21 foots at 12/.    suppose £15

B- said the fore bay of cast iron would be expensive – recommended its being of oak which would be a great saving and better said I on account of the chalybeate water he said 1/2in. bolts for the tower roofing (2in. thick flags) 8in. long would be about 6d. a piece – Charles Howarth afterwards 6in. long would be  1 ½ or 2d. a piece – bed screws only 3d. a piece

On Bairstows’ going sat sometime with A- and little Mary – then out a little while – the gardener + 2 (Joseph Booth and Abraham Greenwood) had sodded a good deal of the east side of the rock bridge in front of the house with Listerwick sods – Robert Mann and c° had moved stuff from near the Lodge ash place – Robert has (including Joseph Booth and Abraham Greenwood) 7 men – about 4 ½ had Robert Mann – long settling for Little field cistern etc. – saw A- and Little Mary and Hannah off in the market cart to Cliff Hill (Frank drove) about 5 ½ - then out till after 6 – at the Lodge with Robert Mann, and in the stables and about – then long settling with Joseph Mann – paid him in full for his labour at Long goit £400.2.6 ½ - and there will yet be some small etc. to pay – He gave me his and Robert’s estate for digging and carting platform stuff (top of the bank in Walsh land) down into the Wheat field near the new back road at 1/. per cube yard – could only make A-‘s fifty pounds she gave me this morning into £40 – had Joseph Mann till 8 – then dinner – coffee upstairs – asleep on the sofa – wrote the last 21 ½ lines till 10 ¾ - Mr. Parkers’ and Mr. Adam’s clerk Mr. Thompson brought his father tonight to ask me for liberty to lay the clay and  soil moved in building a few cottages – sorry I had no place to spare – could not do with clay – had no place to spare – fine day – tho’ a few drops of rain between 4 and 5pm F49° at 9 ½ tonight –

[sarasa-cat]

Reeve, oh Reeeeeeeve.  He is an excellent executive/manager because not only does he delegate to specialists, he has confidence in specialists getting the job done. Reeve is not a micromanaging annoyance.  I have nothing but heart eyes for Reeve.  ;)

<3 Reeve <3    *blows kisses at him*

Omg your long list is <3 <3 <3

You accidentally typoing “SHOJO”  — THIS IS NOT A TYPO.  REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A TYPO.  I honestly seriously view Dirge is Shojo Manga as a RPG-FPS and I am more than willing to argue this point as for why it is not just the red headed step child of the series, but that its Shojo storytelling is WHY WHY WHY the fanboys h8 on it so much and have said/done so many misogynistic things to the entire cast (to the point that talking/showing any of that requires trigger warnings because it is really that horrible).

In fact, Shojo-Dirge is a large part of my inspiration for doing at PT of dirge with a lot of meta.  And, as a story for girls/women, Dirge is really more about Lucrecia, about Yuffie, and about Shelke, and their various interactions, relationships, friendships, etc’s, with Vincent, who really is not presented a normative male hero either, which, again, is another thing that gamerbro h8ers make a massive issue about, and that is because once Vincent is viewed as shojo character, he is not longer a heroic alt-ego for men to self-insert into…  Also, the disturbing backstory with Vincent, Lucrecia, and Hojo is so much more typical of that genre. And this touches on all of the endless noise from gamerbros regarding Vince’s lack of a proper/correct/acceptable love interest in game … well, that’s because if this is a shojo-style story… shrugs. So much meta to unpack here. ).

Regarding Shelke, I have a lot to say at another time and somewhere on DW I have already said some of this:  the whole thing stops being problematic when we remove the requirement of a supporting character who acts as the male protagonist’s love interest and instead flip the script to shojo. In brief, I read shelke as a (research science/supernaturally connected) father-daughter story, particularly where the young daughter is dealing with death *and* with living adults moving on, and thus needing to know that the prior (gone, dead, divorced, missing) adults were loved and respected. The camera angles say all, btw. More on this later, or in an old dw post.

Vampire Hunter D as a playable character — I KNOW!  IS IT NOT TRUE? BECAUSE IT IS. IT SO IS. IT SOOOOO TOTALLY IS.  EXCEPT.  EXXXCEEEEEPTTTT It is the “would you please just leave me alone so I can stay home and watch Vampire Hunter D in peace” **fanboy** of Vampire Hunter D *as* the playable character. And that is hilarious beyond believe which actually makes me love Vincent as a character, and creates a hilarious deconstructive interpretation of his DRAMAQUEEN battle persona versus his canonically emo-mope and his game mechanics hobbling in Dirge where, when in normal play mode, he cannot jump over a three foot high barrier. XD

Random aside: “leave me alone so I can watch anime/movies” fanboy Vincent this is more or less the deconstruction I am doing of Vince in ‘Even the Littlest Monsters,’ and monsters!Yuffie regularly calls him out on it. So far it has been a joy to write, but this is so totally off topic so back on topic… Actually, now that I think about it, Monsters is entirely based on my shojo-dirge meta.)

Your list gives me some ideas of things I need to note during my upcoming PT, especially the ways in which the environment/settings feel different when rendered in 3D. When I originally played ff7 in 97-98, I was used to JRPGs being fantasyish so I imagined the world as far more fantasy-esque than all of its modern trappings (even back then) show it to be. The modern-fantastic setting became far more obvious in AC and DoC. Although I have hardly posted any of my ff7 fic yet (a lot to be posted this summer), it is almost indistinguishable from contemporary fiction, albeit with fantastical elements. Still trying to decide if I am comfortable with ff7 having access to much of the global pop culture we (us) have on earth. My reasoning goes beyond canonical news casts looking like cable news. Vincent’s entire character design references multiple america horror movies. (Okay, I just convinced myself.). Anyhow.  ;)

I have taken way too long of a lunch. Gotta walk back to work. ;)

As for what I originally jumped onto tumblr to post (before realizing it is more broken than ever on my phone….fdklsjkjldsfdsfjkljkldfs)

Almost definitely certain that I am prioritizing the joyous lolfest of Dirge of Cerberus as my #1 summer “let’s play/meta/postcards from the WRO” project.

Why?  

1.  For the past few weeks, whenever I list games in my head, the lollercoast of Dirge is always at the top of my list.

2.  I neeeeeeed something silly.  An FFXII play through by me will be nothing but serious discussions about cinematography (because TRUST ME, there is an entire story told in FFXII’s staging, camera pans, etc.).  An FFVII play through will be lots and lots AND LOTS of me having all sorts of nostalgia about nostalgia about nostalgia, where a lot of that nostalgia has little to do with the actual game and more to do with how Midgar (etc) is presented. Crisis Core? Nothing but screenshots of Tseng. I will end up ignoring everything that isn’t Tseng. Because… yeah. Tseng. 

3.  Dirge actually isn’t as silly as it seems on the surface. I mean, the surface is silly. The antagonists are a hot mess. The gameplay mechanics range between ho-hum and mess. And we all know how much the fanboys h8 Dirge with burning fanboy h8. But underneath all of that is a lot of stuff that is worth examining through various lenses. Various woman-centered/feminist/etc lenses. Fangirl culture. Etc. Thus.  Laugh on the surface, serious underneath. Or something like that.

4.  I PRACTICALLY CRINGE WITH EMBARRASSSSSSMSMENNTETNENT AT THE THOUGHT OF WRITING A SEMI-SERIOUS Let’s Play/Meta/Postcards from the WRO of Dirge. THEREFORE I HAVE TO DO IT. BECAUSE WHERE THERE IS CRINGE THERE IS POWER.

5.  Omfg the antagonists are a kinkmeme prompt fest. Therein lies the hilarity.  Headcanon: Reeve spends his evenings writing anon kinkmeme fanfic.  

[dwestfieldblog]

CHAOS PROGRESSES TO A BINARY STATE

'The last thing I remember before I stripped and kneeled, was a trainload of fools bogged down in a magnetic field'. Dylan 78.

 (Woke up some weeks ago in England because I was saying the title of this piece in a loud voice...have never read this anywhere and have NO idea what it means or if it is true...or who I was in the dream...)  Anyway... onwards and downwards...

 Hello everybody, or as Donald Trump would say if he were ever honest, 'Seig Heil'.

A man with his head in the sand has only one other orifice with which to communicate with the world. Hopefully only a thousand hour long Reich... Bet he knows the words to Tomorrow Belongs To Me... Alternative fact...If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed'. (Adolf H).

 Breitbart AKA Steve Bannon and his minions of Death with the foul ghoul Kellyanne Conway in charge of the PR for Duck Fart the Golden One. Makes sense...Like attracts like - energy finds its own devil...er level, sorry. I read that his father had a keen interest in species of new human according to a perfected DNA. All together again.. 'Creation is not yet complete.' Ten points if you know who said this in a famous speech in the Thirties. That's right. Him above, now below.

 I have not willingly heard any news, nor read any for about seven weeks... a transformation began...something like a horrifying happiness...certainly fewer instances of anger and stress. No Trump, no Brexit, no Daesh, no Putin. Wonderful. That said, I was told that the British PM has done a deal with Erdogan the Evil (among other deeply criminal regimes). Knew this would happen...a desperate island needing to whore itself for cash...no foreplay, no love, no passion no orgasms for her, just stick it in dry. Disgusting. The Dis-United Kingdom will take it like a wimp.

 The collective unconsciousness of a country creates its spiritual identity...this can change over time, depending on what happens there. England has been dying for decades...it is VERY clear each time I return. When OUT of your birth country, perspective changes. There is still MAGIC there in the land...but the hearts of the people are very dulled and weak now. But we have the best music and comedy:-))

 Glimpsed....Serbia and Kosovo getting to the bad places again...and you can be damn sure they are being encouraged to do so by dark forces. The nameless howling one, wanderer of the wastelands...fills in the void with an unhappy chaos.

 'The angel of apocalypse who raises a hand to the heavens saying;

'There shall be no more time'.'

 And Kim Wrong Un in North Korea...it is time for the gas for you my brother..Have fun sleeping every night.

 This January (2017) I used Google to look up the names of ten friends I knew from High School, college and the early nineties. Ones I had lost touch with for various reasons but still had very fond memories of. Deeply sad to find my first girlfriend (a year older than me) died in December of cancer. I know what follows might seem a pathetic statement, but; It doesn't seem fair or right. I don't believe in karma and she was a happy, smart, light hearted girl. Too young....(another dumb comment, babies and children die...but you feel what I mean and why I am writing it.)

 Other school friends have become serious, respected lawyers for child abuse/broken marriages/miscarriages of justice, writers of blogs about their countryside walks, or health food shop managers and Martin C, the last of the Great British musicians. The rest seem to have no electronic footprint in the sands of time. (Ahem). Joseph R, you saved my mental health twice, hope you re-appear one day. Some seem to have SOLD OUT entirely but as long as they are happy and evolving eh? Can't say I'm proud of staying the course and following what I love the most, but perhaps I am, regardless of health problems and vanishing money. I CHOSE.

 'It is the disguise of panic that makes us live in ugliness'

 Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death. He also said the fear of death is what gives birth to creativity. Perhaps for some...but I have always believed in making creation for the Love, the joy of doing it.

 'For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is in every way perfect.' A.C

 Thank you Aleister, nice when the The Great Beast himself agrees with you eh?

Love under Will...or Bobby, Lenny or Dave:-) The wizard needs more whizz...but oxygen, coffee and love will have to suffice. Do not ask for whom the Siren calls. She calls for THEE. E.

 Music is the best...started playing and writing again this February, (which usually seems to see an early rejuvenation of ideas... but this time it took a bloody two years.)  An average of 4 hours sleep a night for the last five weeks... occasionally thoughts get too interestingly positive to want to lie down. And life too fascinating to stay asleep. The only people who love music more than me are in mental hospitals. Moonchildren in Bedlam.... my remaining utter hatred at the rich who used to pay to go and poke fun at the mentally ill as if in a zoo, the type of snob voyeurs which persist today. Old school/class war.

 'The truth is found more often in music than in books of philosophy'.

Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

 People/friends/lovers... same as synapses...Fire together - wire together.

The angel messengers... perhaps some/all of us just have amnesia, caused by the planet's magnetic field causing an hypnosis. Just an honest idea.

 Look out of the window of a tram ...Yesterday in a park in Prague, opposite the church where the noble assassins of the foul Heidrich made a last stand, I saw a circle of 11 perform Tai Chi while being watched by 2 Jehovahs' Witnesses, their information in five languages. The week before on the corner behind them, two hospital crutches, an empty box of wine and a bag of clothes in the gutter. Looking into people's eyes as I walk, watching how they see others. Looking around them for an imprint reading. Fear and sadness mostly, perhaps just a mirror reflection.

 Jaki Leibezeit, RIP, one of the finest white drummers in the history of this planet. So happy I saw him live, spellbinding. Yoo Doo Right. Yes, we CAN.

 Stone sober and straight one evening last week mid February... Musick to Play in the Dark...AND THE UNIVERSE OPENS... this is a pan-dimensional masterpiece. What Dali and Picasso would have made had they had access to a studio. A thousand coloured lights burning cold up and down my spine and a brain shining, close to actual orgasm. Gasping breaths... Almost insane with the ecstasy of sound listening to COIL.  Painting colours on the darkness...11 minutes in, here it comes...breathe deep before it starts, oxygenate the blood,  try to be ready. THIS...all chakras opening, third eye across the universe, heart radiating like a lighthouse...everything possible, realities revealed.... partners dancing on the astral....

 Mother forgive me for taking this long for finding this band of human angels, true magick. And AIL, blessed be forever, our art is in Heaven. There are reasons for connections... Magic does not work without inspiration's SPARK. And inspiration does not appear without magic already within it...A cyclic relay of energy...also known as Love. A Divine unholy madness.

 'The guilty are claiming to be innocents, only Love seems to make any sense'. DW

 Everything is energy...thoughts included... waves...too much NEED can push the desire/thing/event/money/opportunity away. Fish do not come to a noisy fisher. Imagine standing up to your chest in a swimming pool...all around you are possibilities of what you want, floating on the surface. Making strong movements when reaching out to grab, or moving from that position to take what you want will result in the things moving away on the wave you have created. Standing still allows the surface of the water to calm and with you a centre of gravity, the things float TO you...for you to gracefully pick from the water:-) 'Magic' is real.

 It is us... and what we do and how we become.

 ...A question of passion, the animal and the human, the glorious loss of control.

A yearning which consumes the mind until, praise the Goddess, all thought is destroyed. Raising each other to the highest... a yin yang whirlwind of human and spirit revolving faster until melted as one and OUT...Animal souls of a higher light...

 Gnostic pathways (now there's an idea for a TV documentary) from ancient Sumeria and the Scarlet High Priestess, the secret Star Fire rituals of the menstrual grail to the modern day become transformed to mundane slang...the 'whore' was always holy...

Funny peculiar that women used to be called 'Mysteries'...as in 'Who's the mystery?'. Now females are described as 'Strange'. 'I'm gonna hit the club and find me some strange'.  In another seventy years will men just grunt  'I. ..Need...Weird!' ? Or will testosterone have burned itself out by then, thanks to various chemical experiments being conducted by certain groups? The womb man...

 Everything is crossing my mind at the same time, spinning plates and multitasking with too many dimensions at once, an emotional rollercoaster between the 3D and the astral, zig zagging on the rainbow chessboard. Etc. Refusing to be in L**e but not believing myself at all. Right now I would start a world war just to distract me from my attempts to contain the rising energy. There is a spinning vortex on the other side of a parallel universe to which my heart is being pulled at colossal speed. I can actually feel my mind burning with white light and keeping me awake. This is what happens when I stop Drinking and it happens to be Spring...(and COIL)... and.... Lost. Gone forever again. What AILs thee brother? Calling Sister Midnight again... what can I do about my dreams? Don't mention the Pink Butterfly...the comedown will be brutal. But until then, beauty creates beauty.

 'The evolution of the human spirit which, torn from an entire past of beliefs and mysteries which it surmounts and overcomes, passes through pantheism and attains to a joyous and intoxicated affirmation of its liberty and its unity with the universe'     Scriabin.

 The Times They are Deranging...'The Hour of Solomon'. Drugs...shortcuts into the forest can lead you to wolves and horror...Once a door of perception has been kicked down, it cannot be more opened. Neither can it be closed. Once your eye has been chained to the universe, that is what it will see forever. Drugs as a recreation eventually become only tranquillisers of spirit but humans get seduced by the idea of ingesting paradise. Temporary transcendence is but a set of stepping stones across the river – and some are missing:-)...IN joy while you can but Flow in stillness. Bliss.

 There is no one alive who knows the absolute truth. DW

 Resist the things you can find everywhere.   COIL

 'The only kingdom that makes a man a king is the kingdom of his own soul. The only power that has any meaning is the power to better the world'.

 'See a cliff, jump off'.   Yeeessss.....  Unless it IS an actual cliff.  And if you wish to walk through a wall, you must first find a door:-))) Harken to THE WISDOM OF ORPHEUS...Minds must be warmed up before such exercises but it is very hard sometimes, when you are seized by an IDEA and an energy you NEED to follow to the end. Most of us will crack up under these conditions..and return... or not. People with glass minds shouldn't get stoned. Drink from the Grail divine...

 The map is NOT the territory.

 Everything works if you ALLOW it to, but once again with feeling..You get what you are... is the universal Law. You cannot take more than you are ready for, however passionate the desire. Releasing is necessary but getting and being ready is a discipline, VERY few have it. Including me, full time. Shortcuts lead to burn out. Everything is energy and always eat your greens, especially broccoli:-) Watching the river...different streams, undercurrents pulling in other ways, but part of the whole and the same eventual destination....the scent of sunlight on a green leaf in the forest. Drugs are sexy yes. But opening to your own nature and the universe around and within is sexier and deeper and longer, holy and fucking beautiful.

 Many people care about you - but kindness starts at home, so love yourself too,

just a bit more...you know what you are, keep remembering.

Turn within, face yourself...smile.... and RISE.

 The rites of Springtime and chaos progresses to a binary state....Love.

 (March 18th 2017....GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT.)