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convexicalcrow · 2 years

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Cub wasn't one to dig himself into a hole and hide, especially after only a day on the server. He could just leave, of course. He'd done the redstone they'd brought him on for, so he could go back to his other world and just stay there, right? Well, maybe. But he wasn't going anywhere, and he didn't know why.

He hadn't anticipated how ... being around other people would feel. His face didn't reflect the rest of his body, which is why he covered so much of it up. But then they just saw his face and made assumptions, and that was what he wanted, right? It wasn't really his face though. Just a mask to cover up what he didn't want them to see.

They'd all been so nice and welcoming, that wasn't the issue. He liked them! But somehow he still had the urge to slip away and hide in a hole in a hill, just needing to be alone. He wouldn't tell them. They didn't need to know. He'd never told anyone before, why would he start now? No. Better let that secret remain his own. Let them see him as that old guy who knows redstone.

He wanted to rip off the bandages around his chest. Their texture against his skin was just suddenly the most aggravating thing in the world. They felt like sandpaper, all rough and tight and cutting into him. He wanted to be rid of them, but then he'd just be reminded of what they were concealing.

He hugged his knees to his chest, hoping it might help. It didn't, but the hope was there. He didn't like it when his body felt like this, all wrong and hurting. He never really knew how to make it go away. Just sat it out until it was gone, mostly. He resisted the urge to claw at the bandages, knowing it never helped.

After all, there was nothing between his legs either, and that was always most obvious when he sat like this. He'd tried to make a packer that he felt comfortable with, but they'd all felt wrong. Not enough weight, too scratchy, too dense, too heavy, didn't sit right, never felt like it was a part of his body.

Clearly sitting in a hole on his own instead of just leaving like a normal person was not helping. It was just making him wallow, and he hated wallowing. But he'd just been a little too overwhelmed once all the redstone was done, and needed a break away from the others, so he'd told them he was going to go look around, get the lay of the land, that kind of thing. A thing other players would understand for someone new to a server.

Instead, he was curled up in a hole, wishing the earth would open up and swallow him.

"Ah! Hallo! There you are, my friend! I wondered where you had disappeared to! Mind if I come in?"

Iskall's voice interrupted his thoughts and he turned to the doorway, wondering if he could simply keep quiet and he might go away.

"It's alright, no one else is with me, I promise. We're the only ones on the server right now. I just want to make sure you're okay, because you said you weren't used to playing with friends, and maybe things got a little too much! It's okay if it did! Just let me know if I can do anything," Iskall said.

Cub listened to his words, unsure what to do. Invite him in, probably. He did like Iskall a lot. But he wasn't sure if he wanted him to see him like this.

"Clearly something is not okay if you are hiding away, Cub. You don't have to tell me anything. But I am here and I can listen! Or I can just talk about nonsense, that also works!" Iskall said.

"I-, no, you can come in, it's fine. Well. It's not, but. You wouldn't understand," Cub said.

"Perfectly fair, I do not understand much about you yet, Cub, but I am keen to learn!" Iskall said. "Okay, I will join you inside, which is good, because it has started raining, and I do not want to get wet!"

Cub laughed in spite of himself as Iskall joined him, closing the door to the rain outside. Iskall set down another torch and offered him some food, which Cub brushed off. He was fine.

"Do you need me to keep some space for you? Like, do you want me to stay here or are you okay with cuddles? Because you look like you need cuddles!" Iskall said.

Cub looked at him. "I-I don't know. I- my head's a bit of a mess."

"Cuddles it is, then!" Iskall said, sitting down next to him and bringing him into his arms.

Cub resisted it for a moment, but Iskall was big and strong and his arms felt like protection and comfort, and he soon hugged him back. It... it helped, a little bit, more than he was willing to admit.

"What are your pronouns, by the way, Mr Cubfan?" Iskall asked, in between talking about an old base build and some friends he wanted to go and see.

The question caught Cub off-guard, and he sat up, pulling away from him a little bit. Iskall had made good on his promise to talk nonsense and it had helped Cub feel better. It had at least been a good distraction. Until that question, of course. Cub felt like he was a rabbit in headlights now. Did he know? How could he have known? He hadn't felt his bandages, had he? How was he going to explain that away if he had?

"M-my pronouns? Why do you ask?" Cub said, unsure where this was going.

"I do not like making assumptions! And I should have asked earlier before I introduced you to everyone, but things were a bit chaotic and there wasn't time, sorry!" Iskall said.

"Oh, okay, yeah. Uh. Male, I guess? Sorry, no one's ever asked before, so. I wasn't expecting it," Cub said, anxiety gripping his heart even though he clearly didn't have anything to fear. Saying it out loud to someone else was scarier than he'd thought it would be.

"Good, good! You can use any pronouns for me, I don't mind. My gender's a bit-" Iskall gestured, unable to really grasp what he was trying to say. "Yeah, I don't know. Thought you should know that at least. I hope I didn't upset you with that."

"No, no, it's- like I said, no one's ever asked before, that's all," Cub said, laughing it off.

Iskall brought him into his arms again. "Sounds like you've been waiting for someone to ask, hmm?"

Cub settled back against him. "I don't know, maybe?"

"If you say you are a man, Cub, then you are a man. Why would I question that? You know yourself better than I do. I don't need to know more than that," Iskall said. "But I take it you have never talked about this to anyone before, yes? So it feels weird? It was like that for me too, when someone first asked me. So that is why I ask now, because sometimes it's the only way you know you're talking to someone who will understand."

Cub was feeling a lot of things all at once. Hating himself for giving himself away, but thankful for Iskall's kindness. Unsure he had the words for anything he was feeling about his gender. Unsure he even wanted to talk about it yet. He could, of course, but was he ready? He didn't know.

Iskall took his hand then and brought it under his shirt. Cub wasn't expecting to feel bandages, and he looked up at Iskall, unsure how to process any of that.

"We can talk when you're ready, Cub. But know I understand and will not judge you. Because I have been there too," Iskall said.

Cub woke beside Iskall, in their slightly larger dirt hole. Iskall had made some beds and a little more space, and it was ... cosier now. Iskall was a heater to sleep next to, and Cub sat up, feeling strange.

Iskall was somehow just like him. But somehow telling him that was the scariest thing he could think of doing. And so he hadn't. He'd felt Iskall's bandages over his chest, and didn't know what to do with that information. So Iskall just kept talking nonsense until they were both sleepy enough to want a bed. And now he was here, and awake, and wanting to run away as much as he wanted to stay.

No, he didn't want to run away. Well, not really. He'd joined, and he was going to stay, it might just take him a while to adjust to being around people. They were building things together here, and that was an exciting thing to be a part of. He just had no practice at, well. Being around people. That's really what it came down to. On his own, it never mattered. And now it was all he could think about.

Did they need to know? Did they really? Iskall didn't seem to care. But the thought of carrying around that secret when he's not just doing his own thing felt too heavy a burden. And yet. He couldn't even tell Iskall when he knew, he knew, what those bandages represented.

Speaking of bandages, though, his were itching again after he'd slept in them. Got all rubbed the wrong way. He glanced a look at Iskall, still sleeping soundly in bed. If he was quick, he could fix it without him waking up. Right? Maybe.

He still dug himself a small hole into the wall and sealed himself in, just in case. Setting a torch on the ground, he began to undress, letting his coat, shirt and tie fall to the floor. He didn't... like seeing himself like this. He liked it even less as he unfastened the bandages and rolled them up over his hand, feeling his breasts fall forward once more as he felt their weight on his chest. He wanted to cry. He wished they were smaller, and not as obvious, so he didn't have to rely on bandages. They shouldn't be there at all. But they were, and he had no idea how to get rid of them, save for simply slicing them off himself in desperation. He wouldn't, of course, but in his darker moments, he did think about it.

There were angry marks all over his chest from the bandages. He tried not to make a habit of sleeping in them, but sometimes it happened, and now he had to deal with it. He hadn't felt safe sleeping without them next to Iskall, to be fair. He wasn't sure he was ready for him to know.

"Cub? Where did you go? Are you okay? Can I help?" Iskall called, interrupting his contemplation.

"I'm okay, I just needed a moment. I'll be with you in a bit, okay?" Cub called back, hoping that would satisfy him.

"Oh! Okay! I will get breakfast! There is a nice lake where I saw some fish before. That will do nicely," Iskall said.

"Sure, sounds good to me," Cub said.

"Oh, and Cub?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for letting me in. I hope you feel a little better today."

"Maybe, maybe, yeah."

"That's good! I will bring back all the fish now! See you soon!"

And with that, Iskall was gone, and Cub turned back to the bandages in his hands. His chest was aching as it often did when he wore them too long. He should let himself breathe a while, but he knew that wasn't an option, not with Iskall coming back soon. So he bandaged his chest up again and got dressed. He'd take them off later. He'd be fine till then.

"What gave me away?" Cub said, because surely something had, right? What had he not done that made Iskall know? Or suspect, at the very least. "As being... you know."

Iskall shrugged as he handed over some freshly cooked fish and bread. "Nothing, really! Your responses to asking for your pronouns did make me wonder, but I figure you'll tell me if you want to. None of my business really! If you say you're a man, that's enough for me, and for everyone here, I promise. No need to explain yourself, especially if you're not ready."

Cub took the food and sat by the fire outside their little dirt hole. "Thanks, it's just... Thanks."

"You're welcome!" Iskall said cheerfully.

Cub smiled, appreciating that he wasn't being pushed on the matter. Maybe he suspected, maybe he didn't. Iskall talked more nonsense as they ate, going over more building plans for the kingdom and what he wanted it all to look like. It was a good distraction, and Cub was excited to see where this project would end up.

"Okay, well, if you are okay now, I will get back to building! And if you ever need to talk, just come and find me, okay?" Iskall said as he packed up his things and extinguished the fire.

"Yeah, sure, will do," Cub said. "Thanks again, man. Just- thanks."

"No problem! Also! I invited you here not just for your skills but because I thought you'd fit in well here. We want you here, Cub, as a friend. You are friend-shaped, Mr Cubfan! Just always remember that, okay?" Iskall said.

"Thanks, I- it is really nice to be here. I think we're going to make something really nice here," Cub said.

"Me too! Anyway, I will be back working on the base. Join me when you're ready, yes?" Iskall said.

"Sure, I'll see you there," Cub said.

Cub watched him go. He still hadn't told him. Just- the very idea that he could just talk about all his gender stuff to someone else was still scary to him, even if it was someone else who would understand. He wasn't sure he had all the words. Wasn't sure he could explain it, and he hated that this was the one thing he couldn't explain. He hardly understood it himself, let alone knew how to tell someone else.

He went back inside the dirt hole and shut himself in again. He needed to breathe, much as he would hate seeing his chest again, and he appreciated Iskall giving him space and time to do that. His ribs were definitely asking for a rest at any rate.

He undressed again, taking a moment to inhale deeply once the bandages were wound up and sat aside on top of his clothes. Did Iskall do things like this? Did he need to? He couldn't remember if Iskall had removed his bandages before they'd gone to bed; what he did remember was falling asleep against his chest, so perhaps he'd moved him later. Maybe that was it. Yeah.

Cub sat against the far wall, thinking, his shirt loosely covering his chest so he didn't have to look at it. It didn't entirely help, but not seeing his breasts was always better. Maybe, in time, Iskall would know. Maybe one day he'd feel brave enough to talk about it. But not yet. And he was grateful for Iskall for giving him that choice, a choice he was not expecting to be given. Maybe this server would be good for him after all.

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