#durmstrang! zemo | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orderoftheavengers · 6 years

Photo

Winter Sorcerer

Summary: Bucky Barnes died in the war against Grinderwald, and was resurrected by dark wizards as a vampire.

House: Hufflepuff

Species: Vampire (formerly human)

Blood Status: Pureblood

Wand: Plumwood, 13 inches, unicorn tail hair

Broom: Prefers flying motorbikes

Artificial Arm: Pullled from a suit of armor and enchanted.

Patronus: White wolf

Familiar: Rocket

Specialties: Defense Against the Dark Arts, Care of Magical Creatures, Pensieve use, Magical hat manufacturing, brooding

Sorting:

He has all the traits of Gryffindor, but is more defined by his loyalty to his country, friends, and sadly manipulators. He was friends with Steve back when Steve was a dweeb, and is overall a colossal cinnamon roll. While more than willing to fight for the right, Bucky always went into war like it was a duty that had to be done, not something he was particularly born to do. He did not admire pre-serum Steve's eagerness to get into fights. When he isn't needed, Bucky is glad to retreat into the safety and solace of his coffin. Finally, Bucky has a clear connection to nature, which is common in Hufflepuffs. For him it's not plants though, it's more animals. His nickname is White Wolf; he tends goats and thestrals in Wakanda; and he gets along with Rocket Raccoon.

Human Life:

Janus Ambrocius "Bucky" Barnibus was a middle-class, pureblood, American wizard at the time of Grinderwald. Bucky was a Prefect at Ilvermorny Institute of Magic, where he'd been in the Puckwudgie House--the House for "healers." Though Bucky never went into literal Healing as a career, his personality made him a good fit for the House. Bucky would later proove capable of healing himself, from wounds that would drive most wizards to permanent insanity or suicide.

Bucky looked out for his tiny Squib friend Stephanos "Steve" Rogers, who was rejected from all wizarding schools due to his lack of magic. Bucky once saved Steve from a literal troll, transforming the great horned, warted beast into a tiny flower-troll, and teleporting it to Central Park.

Bucky was drafted into the war against Grinderwald, before graduating school. He was captured by Grinderwald's followers, and force-fed vampire's blood, as part of their twisted experiments. After Steve became the Superwizard, he saved Bucky, and the two attended Hogwarts--the school where the most important Auror students were sent--while continuing to fight the war. Here, Bucky was sorted into Hufflepuff House.

Death and Dark Rebirth:

During a battle on the Hogwarts Express, Bucky fell from a train car as it was rolling over a cliff. Before hitting the ground, something stopped his fall, and he found himself dangling from his left arm. Thinking someone had rescued him, he looked up at his rescuer and breathed, "Thanks pallie--" then stopped, upon realizing his "rescuer" was an Irish Whiskeybreath dragon. The drunk dragon bit down, taking Bucky's arm clean off, and munched away, while Bucky went back to falling. Bucky presumed dead by all of his comrades. In fact, he was dead... for a time.

But the vampire blood his captors had forced him to drink caused him to resurrect as a Nosferatu. Vampirism often causes major loss of memory and emotions, turning victims into monsters almost overnight. The Dark Wizards collected their new vampire, and began training him as their personal assassin. Since his arm had been lost before his transformation, it did not grow back as lost Vampire limbs do, and had to be replaced. The Dark Wizards enchanted an arm from a suit of armor, and eventually stamped it with the Dark Mark.

Regaining Humanity:

Steve Rogers was the first one to recognize Bucky, and help him remember his life as a human. Steve did this by refusing to fight back, and letting Bucky suck some of his blood, knowing that sucking blood allows a vampire access to its victim's memories. Bucky was far gone enough that none of his previous victims's memories--even those of his old friend Howard Stark--stuck with him. But Steve made sure to think about all the times Bucky told him, "I'm with you 'till the end of the line," and that did the trick.

Bucky fled from everyone and got himself a small apartment in Europe. There, he taught himself how to use a Pensieve, and began sucking the juice from plums to help boost his memory. At times, he would also find himself creating strange Wonderland-styled hats with his wand; a side-effect of the confusion his brain was going through.

But then one day when Bucky came home to find an owl waiting for him with a letter. It read:

Dear Mr. Barnabus,

It has come to our attention that you are not entirely dead, and have not yet finished your magical education. It is highly encouraged that you return to Hogwarts and once and continue your studies, unless you wish to continue living as a crazy-haired hobo.

Sincerely, Headmistress Minerva McGonnagal

Upon returning to Hogwarts, Bucky was sorted back into Hufflepuff, and rekindled his friendship with Steve and a rivalry with fellow Hufflepuff Sam Wilson. But a drunken Quidditch brawl caused everything to go up in smoke, and Bucky once again left Hogwarts. He transfered to Wakanda's wizarding school, where King T'Challa offered the vampire amnesty, a new arm, a vaccine against the Imperius Curse, and a comfy glass coffin.

Tired of war and violent sports, Bucky took an interest in Care of Magical Creatures. He spent his summer vacation in Wakanda on a Thestral farm, bonding with these creatures of death. Princess Shuri made Bucky a new enchanted armor-arm, with the Hufflepuff emblem on it, so that when his former Hogwarts classmates saw him again, they and Bucky both would be reminded of who he really was.

Irony... so much irony....

Contrary to popular belief, not all vampires disintegrate in the sunlight. That only happens to the weakest n00bs. Bucky had long since been crafted into one of the most powerful vampires on Earth, by the evil wizards who made him. When Shuri cured Bucky of the dark magic in his head, she assured him that he would still do just fine in sunlight. . And yet, at the end of the Battle of Wakanda, Bucky was shocked to see his metal arm dissolving into ash.

"Steve...I think my powers are weakening. I've literally never disintegrated in the sun before."

"Everyone's disintegrating!" Bruce cried. "Not just vampires! Thanos got all the Infinity Stones into his wand, and this was his goal!"

Bucky bellowed, "Oh you have got to be shi--" he was ash before he could finish his sentence.

Relationships:

Like most Hufflepuffs, Bucky has a long list of strong relationships, including:

The Winter Soldier: An annoying Alter Ego that occasionally still interrupts Bucky's thoughts, despite Shuri's best efforts. No longer in charge of Bucky's body, at least.

Steve Rogers: BFF who helped him remember his pre-vampire life

Sam Wilson: Rival BFF for Steve

Helmut Zemo: A deranged squib Durmstrang reject, Zemo pitted the Order of the Avengers against each other by spiking their food with Firewhisky and Hobbitweed, and hexing all of their Quidditch balls into literal Idoit Balls. He also framed Bucky Barnes for a pumpkin bombing using a very blurry photograph, and naturally everyone was drunk enough to believe it. And to add insult to injury, Zemo used the Imperius Curse to make Bucky go on a blood-sucking rampage.

King T'Challa: Previously dead-set on killing Bucky, even when Bucky protested that he was innocent. But after coughing up all the alcohol and Hobbit hemp with a hairball, T'Challa sobered up, and felt horrible. He now provides for Bucky and pays for his magical education in Wakanda. Princess Shuri: Bucky's doctor, she created a potion for him to regularly take that would shield him from the Imperius Curse. She also made him his new Hufflepuff themed arm.

Mad-Eye Fury: Bucky tried to kill him, but that was before he regained his humanity. All the same, Nick can't walk past Bucky in the halls of Hogwarts without giving him some attention from his angry magical eye.

Tony Stark: Angst-bros, since Bucky was forced to kill Tony's parents, and Tony only found out when he was dumped head-first into a Pensieve with the memory playing on repeat, and then Tony tried to kill Bucky because he was standing right next to him and who the **** wouldn't, and both were already guilt-complex-driven characters, and so this relationship was obvious (whether canon addresses it or not)

Wanda Maximoff: Another former Hydra Death Eater, and one who specializes in mind-magic, she is someone Bucky has much in common with, and who could help him retrieve his memories. Very possible love interest; Bucky just has to wait for her to realize how boring Vision is.

Ava Starr: Another magical predator that used to be human, trained to help bad guys. Another possible girlfriend for Bucky.

Natasha Romanoff: Rumor has it they dated back when they were both villains, and many classmates are rooting for them to pick up where they left off

The Thestrals: Bucky fees, sheers, and snuggles with thestrals on his freetime in Wakanda

Rocket Raccoon: Bucky's love for animals doesn't end with Thestrals. He and Rocket--a raccoon/niffler hybrid--are badasses on the battlefield together. Being half niffler causes Rocket to be enamored with Bucky's shinny arm, solidifying the friendship.

Peter Parker:

"You have a robot arm? That is awesome dude!"

"It's not robotic, it's enchanted armor."

"You have an enchanted armor arm and you're a vampire? That is so COOL! Are you also a werewolf? Because your name is White Wolf. Are you a vampire/werewolf like in 'Underworld?' With a robot arm? Are you a vampire-werewolf cyborg? Can I base my World of Darkness character off you in my next campaign?"

"I'm not a werewolf. It's just a name."

"Cuz every night the whole Ravencalw commonroom does some tabletop games and Tuesday is World of Darkness Night, and I always try to come up with a cool character but I never can because I'm not really the creative type, except when it comes to science-stuff--"

"Parker I don't care."

Eddie Brock: Another Hufflepuff/Puckwudgie guy with a sinister alter ego that won't shut up. Eddie and Bucky frequently complain about Venom and the Winter Soldier, who likewise complain about their goody two-shoes hosts.

Notes: "Harry Potter" canon has little to no information about vampires, other than brief mentions that they do exist in the Potterverse. So I just chose some cliched rules that fit with Bucky's story. You can expect updates on this, and all the other Avengers' Hogwarts descriptions, as more movies come out.

33 notes · View notes

orderoftheavengers · 6 years

Photo

A Game of Idiot Balls

Summary: Steve Rogers and Tony Stark decide to settle their differences once and for all with an epic, illegal Quidditch match. But a sinister Durmstrang student spikes everyone’s food and drinks with fire-whiskey and hobbit weed, and hexed all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls,” causing all the Avengers to think, speak and act wildly out of character.

TEAM STARK: Captain: Tony Stark

Beaters: Tony Stark, James Rhodes

Chasers: Natasha Romanoff, T'Challa, Vision

Keeper: Friday

Seeker: Peter Parker

TEAM ROGERS: Captain: Steve Rogers

Beaters: Steve Rogers, Clint Barton (using arrow-spells to deflect balls)

Chasers: Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Scott Lang

Keeper: Charon Carter

Seeker: Bucky Barnes

A Tragic Accident

The “civil war” that destroys the Order of the Avengers begins with a disagreement and a badly-aimed fireball.

It’s a deceptively sunny day in October, and students are milling about on the grass, after studies.

“You’re not the guy to make the tough call!” Steve Rogers challenges. “To lie down on the burning coals and let the other guy walk over you!”

“Rogers, it’s wizard’s chess. We’re supposed to sacrifice our pawns to violent deaths for our own agendas. Oh would you look at that, guess my knight and your bishop have chosen to make love instead of war.”

“Stark, I’ve warned you about enchanting my stuff with your perverted humor!” Steve fumes.

He’s still angry at Tony Stark for adding rude speech throughout his sketchbook. Being wizard pictures, the sketches actually say them out loud. From Steve’s schoolbag, one can hear a muffled voice recite, “There once was an elf from Nantucket, who saved all his farts in a bucket. He could get laid with any elf maid, so he lubed up his hand and said—” Steve hastily shuts his bag.

Tony makes a rude retort about Steve’s (lack of) dating life, and things escalate. Soon they have their wands out, and have drawn a crowd.

“Honestly,” Rose Weasley says loudly, “why can’t the Americans teach their children how to wager?”

When the boys expressed their confusion, Rose explains: “Here in the civilized world, when two gentlemen have a disagreement, they solve it with finances, not fists. Make a bet on something, if you’re so eager for competition!”

Scratching his goatee with his wand, Tony ponders, “Okay…What should we bet on?”

Suggestions start coming from the students around them, each stupider than the last.

“Which Quibbler articles are true!” suggests Lysander Scamander, son of Luna Lovegood.

Loki lifts his broom-wand threateningly. “How about whether or not I’ll have ‘performance issues’ this time, Stark?”

A mandrake classmate in Hufflepuff finally suggests, “I am Groot!”

“Don’t be stupid Groot,” says Rocket (a raccoon/niffler hybrid, in Slytherin). “You can’t light a fart on fire, even with magic.”

“I am Groot.”

“Huh? No way, you have not done it before.”

“I am Groot! I am Groot, I am Groot.”

“Fine, go ahead and show us.” Rocket folds his furry arms.

Peter Quill’s eyes flare. “Groot wait—!”

With a flick of his wand, and a mutter of “I am Groot” (which his wand can translate as “Incendio”), the mandrake’s bum lights up. Groot enjoys a moment’s giggle, before the poor plant realizes his entire body is now aflame.

“I AM GROOT!” he is running around the castle, on fire. “I AM GROOOOT! I AM GROOT! I AM GROOOOOOOOT!”

“The fire’s gonna spread!” Steve gasps, pointing at some flames that have already left the mandrake to spread through the grass.

Thinking quickly, Ravenclaw Wanda Maximoff uses her wandless-magic to create a bubble, trapping the flaming Groot in a contained fireball. She carefully lifts the screaming, flaming tree up and away from the crowd… until her hand slips, sending Groot and his fireball into the Gryffindor tower, obliterating it.

Luckily no humans are killed, but a many hours of homework and a couple of pets are lost.

A mustached house-elf with glasses, irritated by the mess he must now clean up, yells down from the tower, “Don’t make me come down there, you punks!” The Potter Accords The incident inspires the Ministry of Magic to take action, in the form of the Potter Accords.

This controversial new document puts heavy restrictions on the way teen wizards and witches are allowed to go about solving mysteries and saving the school from evil.

Quidditch now has safety rules; deadly creatures larger than three meters are now required to sleep outside the castle; heroes under the age of 15 will need signed permission slips to solve deadly mysteries or fight dark wizards; the moving staircases are now required to have railings; and applicants for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor must now pass background checks.

Tony, having recently been guilted by a Durmstrang student who lost her owl to Ultron, and has been dumped by Pepper for being “too out of control,” is desperate for a chance to alleviate himself from of some of the guilt he’s been building up over the years. So he voices his support for the Potter Accords.

Steve on the other hand fears the Accords might contain an agenda, and he hates agendas. He joined the army to fight agendas. He refuses to sign.

Duty-bound Gryffindor Jams Rhodes argues with gut-following Hufflepuff Sam Wilson over the issue. Vision begins a logical argument in favor of the Accords, and ends up on a tangent about all of the plot holes in “Harry Potter.” This in turn leads to a lengthy debate on how responsible of a headmaster Dumbledore really was, which circles back to the Accords. The Avengers are beginning to break apart.

Long Live the King

This Halloween, Hogwarts hosts a special banquet for the adults deciding on the Potter Accords. Nicodemus Fury is unable to attend, busy battling some basilisks on a Muggle airplane . But many parents and guardians are present, including King Odin; Peter Parker’s Muggle Aunt May; and King T’Chaka, whose son T’Challa is attending Hogwarts this year as an exchange student.

T’Chaka is giving a toast to a peaceful semester, when suddenly, one of the decorative floating Jack-O-lanterns shrieks, “LONG LIVE THE DARK LORD!” and explodes in a fireball. Among the casualties are the drummer for the Weird Sisters; another Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher; and King T’Chaka.

Evidence points to one Hufflepuff vampire student named Bucky Barnes.

“Evidence” here meaning, “a fuzzy wizarding photo, of such poor quality that you can barely even make out the middle finger the blurry figure is waving at the camera.” Vice-Headmaster, and Head of Gryffindor House, Thaddeus Ross, and three of his underlings, have personally asked the wizard-photo who he was, and the blurred photo assured them: “I’m Buck Rogers and I bombed Hogwash! I mean Hoggle-wart! Whatever it’s called. I’m that vampire guy who’s friends with that hot Yank with the blue-green eyes. I’m not an embittered Durmstrang kid trying to f*ck with you all, I’m Bucky Barnacle, also known as the Winter Solstice, and my prank-pumpkin killed the king of Anaconda! I’m dangerous hooligan that needs to be corrected! And to those mourning, I highly recommend the pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs. They’re sure to clear your heads.” The experts, having already overdosed on the unusually addictive pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs, express surprise at the Winter Soldier’s Eastern European accent, which Bucky had never displayed before. Nevertheless, the Dementors float over to the Hufflepuff table and snatch up the young vampire, just as he is reaching for the bowl of plums. Poor Bucky is swiftly muzzled and chained to a kinky iron chair, and magically transported up to the Third Floor for his detention, while his fangirls around the castle look on. The Idiot Balls Snowball… Bucky professes his innocence, but is assigned detention for a “careless and dangerous prank that cost lives.” His detention is supposed to involve working on homework with a tutor—a Ravenclaw nerd no one had seen before. The Ravenclaw turns out to be an invading Durmstrang student named Helmut Zemo, cleverly disguised with a pair of glasses. Zemo Imperius-Curses Bucky into going on a vampire rampage throughout the school. Steve finally punches Bucky back to his senses in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, where Sam catches up to them. The trio quickly deduce that Zemo is behind everything. In any other installment of this series, they would rush to communicate the situation to the other Avengers. But instead…. "We can’t trust Tony.” Sam declares. “Huh?” Steve stares at his friend. “Where did that come from? Have you ever even said two words to Tony?” “He won’t believe us.” Sam presses. Steve just gapes at Sam. “…Tony…whose own mentor betrayed him, won’t believe that the suspicious nerd we all just met is a bad guy? Tony, who witnessed Clint and Erik mind-controlled by Loki, won’t believe that Bucky was mind-controlled?” “Even if he does believe us,” Sam continues dramatically, “The Accords might not let him do anything.” “Let him?” Steve laughed. “Okay, I know Tony’s in a ‘follow the rules’ mood at the moment, but do you seriously think Tony Stark would let that stop him from helping us in this situation? Tony, who carried a NUKE for the whole planet and almost died to save all our asses? What’s gotten into you, Sam?” “It doesn’t matter,” Sam says distantly. “For I am you, and you are me, is he as she as we can be.” The spiked food and drink suddenly hit Steve too, and his eyes widen in understanding. “If everybody is nobody, than nobody can be anybody!” Bucky finishes, “I am the walrus!…Geddit? Cuz I’m a vampire, and I has fangs… okee-day I’ll shuddup now.” Steve proceeds to barely ever mention the crucial issues at hand to Tony and the others. Who in turn, never once bother to ask what the heck is going on. Instead, both sides focused their arguments on the Potter Accords, and stumble forth through their “civil war” like idiots. Pointless, drunken arguing eventually leads Tony and Steve to finally agreeing on a wager: whether or not Tony can find a better Quidditch Seeker than Bucky Barnes. Tony sets out to find that Seeker, and both boys start recruiting for their Teams… Picking Teams: Before teams can be arranged, Thor and Bruce Banner are given a detention by the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (yes, they got another one that fast). This completely pulls them out of the action, unable to participate in the “Civil War” Quidditch match. Tony and Steve agree that the two teams need and equal number of players, as well as one token female Avenger and at one token Black Avenger, each. Falcon laughs, “Imagine if this hadn’t been a planned sport, and had just randomly worked out that way!” Rhodey chuckles, “You’d be more likely to stumble on a recording of one of the Winter Sorcerer’s top-secret missions!” A knut is tossed to determine who gets Natasha, and Tony wins, putting Wanda on Steve’s team, despite her currently sharing Tony’s motivations. But after so much spiked pumpkin juice and butterbeer, almost none of the Avengers are thinking very hard about logical motivations anymore. “Rescuing” Wanda: Already tickled pink (scarlet?) not to be in Azkaban for her past crimes, Wanda is relieved that her only punishment for obliterating that Gryffindor tower is a normal detention in her own Commonroom, under her House Prefect and boyfriend Vision. They decide to study for Home Mag. class, baking pumpkin cake using levitation. A bespeckled, mustached house elf named Stanley delivers the ingredients. Unbeknowenced to Vision and Wanda, but knowneced to the audience, this “house elf” is in fact villain Helmut Zemo, disguised with the Polyjuice potion. The cake mix he gives them is laced with Hobbit Weed from the Shire, and the butterbeer is spiked with Firewhisky from Rosmertta’s. Later on, Hawkeye—already suffering the effects of Zemo’s spiked refreshments—leaps down from the vents into the middle of the Ravenclaw commonroom. “A little tall for a house elf?” Wanda snarks, as Clint brushes dirt and rubble off of his robes. “My name’s Clint Barton, I’m here to rescue you!” Clint says theatrically. Wanda shakes her head in confusion. “Rescue me from what? Baking cake in a luxurious common room with my boyfriend? It’s a bloody miracle I wasn’t in Azkaban even before all this!” She takes an angry bite of the freshly baked pumpkin cake. “And really Clint, I’m kind of appalled that you of all people—the family man, who taught me responsibility and all that—are trying to get me to break out and go criminal, much less now of all…of all……” Her voice becomes distant and dramatic, as the drugs in the cake begin to take hold. “…of all the commonrooms in all the castles in all the world…he walks into mine.” Vision watches in bafflement as Wanda abruptly switches from sensibility to…whatever the hell had gotten into Clint. “Wanda,” Vision warns, “If you do this, they will never stop fearing you.” “I can’t control their fear, only my own.” “I….I think that just may be the stupidest response to a call for responsibility I have ever heard in my short life,” Vision replies. “Though that is kind of a nice inspirational quote, out of context. Maybe hold onto that line and save it for a more appropriate sce—” “STUPIFY!” Wanda cries with a flick of her hands. Her wandless spell sends poor Vision flying through the stone floors of Hogwarts, down to Moaning Myrtle’s toilet, where he is flushed into the lake and swallowed by the Giant Squid. Wanda follows Clint to the Quidditch field, where the Avengers prepare for the most epic, illegal, drunken Quidditch match ever. Pressuring Peter Parker Meanwhile, Tony is doing some “recruiting” of his own. First-year Peter Parker enters the Ravenclaw commonroom to see a big scary seventh-year with an evil looking goatee flirting shamelessly with Aunt May, on one of the long, blue, eagle-footed sofas. The adult Muggle woman laughingly dismisses the high schooler’s dirty flattery, with comments about not wanting to end up in prison or on “Opra.” Wow, Peter thinks, this kid’s got some balls. The only person in all of Hogwarts stupid enough to try hitting on an adult Muggle would have to be—

“Oh my god,” Peter gasps. “You’re Tony f*cking–!” “Ha! I wish.” Tony says jovially, while Aunt May makes a dismissive Oh you, gesture. “Peter!” Aunt May smiles over couch. “You didn’t tell me Tony Stark was tutoring you!” “I was just telling her about that essay for Medieval Troll Literature I proofread for you,” says Tony, while making a subtle face. Playing along, Peter stammers, “Um, yeah, those Trolls are always really big on spelling and grammar.”

Tony and Peter go up to the latter’s dorm, supposedly to look at Peter’s “troll essay.” Once they’re alone, Tony whips out a Wizard Card. “Question of the rhetorical variety…. that’s you, innit?” On the card is a moving picture of Peter, done up in his spider cloak and hood, kicking ass. Below is a short description of the mysterious “Spider Wizard,” and his various talents, which include “flying tricks that make Harry Potter look like a tool.” After some adorkable quivering, Tony finally gets the truth from Peter. “So why do you do it?” Tony asks. “What makes you willing to undertake all the crap Harry Potter did, with none of the sidekicks and helpful mentors and direct recognition he had?” Peter stammers, “Well, when you can do the things that I can do…and then you don’t…and then the bad things happen….it’s your fault…” Tony frowns. “Why do you sound so awkward? Do I intimidate you?” “No. It’s just…. there’s a specific sentence that explains, exactly, why I’m the Spider Wizard. But whenever I try to say it I…. I can’t. It’s basically along the lines of me having these huge advantages, and needing to use them.” “You mean like, 'With great powder comes great redundability?’” Tony blinks and shakes his head. “Wow, tongue-tied! What I meant was, with great Shamwow comes great resale ability–” he pauses again, baffled by his own misbehaving mouth. “See? You can’t say it either! It’s like there’s some kind of magical block on that specific sentence, so no one can ever say it!” Tony strokes his goatee thoughtfully. “Seems like a Copyright jinx…Bastards. Anyway,” Tony lifts his wand, “Accio Upgrade!” Several shattered windows, five toppled book shelves, two unconscious first-years and one screeching cat later, Peter is geeking out over his shinny new broom and magical cloak, with special enchantments to keep his identity and body protected. The Slytherin sixth year then blackmails the little Ravenclaw into joining him in an illegal Quidditch match that afternoon. “But aren’t first years banned from playing Quidditch unless they’re Harry Potter?” Peter asks as they fly towards the Quidditch pitch. “I dunno, maybe.” “Could you like, go to prison for making me do this?” “Possibly.” “Cool! We’re outlaws!” “Er…. yeah… the law… the thing I was fighting the Cap about….erm……….. So! Ready to prove you’re a better Seeker than Barnes & Noble?” “Yes sir!” the first year says eagerly. Black Panther Newly crowned King T’Challa believes Bucky killed his father, and vows revenge. When Steve and Tony approach him in the Courtyard, T’Challa agrees to the match and joins Team Stark, purely so he can avenge his father.

“The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle, passed from warrior to warrior. And now, because that little sh*t incinerated my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So, I ask you Rogers… as wizard, warrior and king… how long do you think you can keep your blood-sucking little Emo safe from me?” Steve can only stare blankly, not so much out of fear for Bucky, as horror over seeing another Gryffindor stealing his gag of dramatic speeches…and doing it infinitely better.

Tony points out, “Well I’ll have to ask you to wait until after Parker catches the Snitch to kill Barnes—”

“I will not kill the vampire,” T'Challa swears solemnly. “I will put the wooden stake of my broom through his undead heart, as I tear his head from his shoulders using only my Vibranium jaws, painting the land crimson in a symphony of vengeance and justice for my father, my kingdom, and centuries of colonization.”

By now even the giant squid is staring silently, as is Vision, who is dripping wet and dangling from one tentacle by his ankle. Tony adjusts his purple shades. “So that’s a yes? Sounds good. We meet at the Quidditch pitch right after dinner.” A Sinister Enchantment By they time they reach the Quidditch pitch, everyone has had a taste of stupidity. Before supper, Zemo secretly poured Firewhiskey into the pitchers of pumpkin juice and all the bottles of butterbeer, and fed Hobbit Hemp to all of the chocolate frogs. But it’s about to get much, much worse. Because Zemo has also put jinxes on all of the Quidditch balls, turning them into literal “idiot balls.” A different jinx is cast on each ball. On the Quaffle, Zemo casts Dramatis Personae, a sinister spell that causes anyone within three miles of the ball to speak and act overly dramatic manner, at the cost of common sense. On one Bludger he casts Sequelitis, which exaggerates the victim’s personality traits to idiotic proportions, and on the other Prequelitis, which makes people say and do things that contradict common knowledge about their own history. And on the Golden Snitch, he cast the most insidious curse of all: Fratres Russo, the spell that erases the victim’s human empathy, for the sake of all of the above-mentioned spells’ ends. Resuming his house-elf disguise, Zemo lurks below the bleachers to watch his work unfold. Let’s Get Ready to Rumble! The Quidditch bleachers are filled with blazed classmates, and even a few professors. (You can bet the Grand Master found a way to attend both this and his other blood-sport at the same time, with the help of a Time Turner.) Throughout the game, the teams’ supporters blast muggle music from the stands: Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man,” and the theme to “Team America, World Police,” attempting to drown each other out. Before the game begins, Tony flies out into the middle of the field on his “iron broom,” and announces: “Before we do this, let’s go over the ground rules.”

Everyone listens intently, except Steve Rogers and Charon Carter, who are kissing drunkenly.

“Rule Number One!” Tony bellows sternly. “There will be no touching of the hair or face…”

Steve chimes in, “And that’s it! Now lets do this!”

With this being the only rule, T’Challa sees no reason not to take on his Animagus form, and leaps from his broom at Bucky Barnes, while the vampire races Parker to the Snitch.

“You’re a vampire with a robot arm?” Peter exclaims at Bucky. “That is awesome dude!”

“It’s not robotic, it’s enchanted armorAAAAAAA!” Dodging vibranium claws, the little vampire shrieks under his rock-star hair, “FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN’S MAGICAL BALLSACK, I DIDN’T KILL YOUR FATHER!” “Then why did you run?!” the panther demands in a growling voice, taking another swipe. “BECAUSE A GIANT PANTHER, HORNY TEENAGE GIRLS AND A LITERAL ARMY ARE TRYING TO TEAR ME LIMB FROM LIMB! WHAT THE F*CK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!” Bucky dodges the cat once more, and yells hoarsely to the universe, “All I wanted this morning were some f*cking plums!” Meanwhile, Friday and Charon Carter both give up on their jobs as Keepers, since on the rare occasion that a ball of any kind actually comes anywhere near the hoops, it is often not even the Quaffle. As tensions and blood-alcohol levels continue to rise, so does the anger and the violence. “God Tony, I can’t believe you pressured a kid into fighting your dangerous war!” Steve Rogers accuses, as he hurls a massive thestral-carriage onto Peter Parker.

The “Spider-Wizard” catches the carriage in both hands, losing the Snitch, and tosses the vehicle into the bleachers, where it crushes Galaga Guy.

Tony yells back to Steve, “At least I’m not snogging my ex-girlfriend’s niece, perv!” “No,” Steve counters, “just your surrogate little brother’s aunt. Freak.” “He’s got you there!” a tiny voice bellows from the bristles of Tony’s broom. “Who are you?” Tony searches for the speaker. “Your sex life,” Scott Lang, in ant-nimagus form, replies. “We don’t talk much anymore.” During the action, Vision accidentally hits Rhodey with a curse that transforms him into a merman. Unless this curse is reversed, Rhodey will never walk again. Tony is coming closer and closer to his breaking point… Steve is headed for Team Stark’s hoops with the Quaffle (forgetting that he’s supposed to be a Beater right now, and not a Chaser). Black Widow soars over on her broom and stops in front of him. The Quaffle that Steve holds is still enchanted with Dramatis Personae.

“You’re not gonna stop, are you,” Nat breaths dramatically, as the Quaffle’s jinx radiates at her. “Power to the people,” Steve replies with an intense stare. “Gondor has no pants, Gondor needs no pants.” In the most cliched way she can muster, Nat sighs, “I’m gonna regret this…” She takes out her wand, and transforms her own team’s Keeper, Friday the snake, into an orange basalisk, now much too heavy for the tiny broom Tony built her. As the goalie plummets to the ground and Steve scores, Tony hollers at Natasha, “What the hell was that? Is the double-agent thing just hard to shake?” Nat glares at him. “Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one minute?” Tony bobs in the air on his broom, baffled. “Okay, I’m not denying I have an ego the size of Jupiter, but what the hell does that have to do with anything right now?” Breathing deeply, Nat retorts over dramatically folded arms, “I’m not the one who needs to watch my back.” “…what?” Nat shrugs. “I dunno, I’m stoned.” She pulls a chocolate frog out of her robe and offers it to Tony. “Pot-frog?” “What in the hell are you—Ooo, don’t mind if I do, thanks!” Tony lets the stoned frog leap into the air and twirls on his broom underneath, catching it in his mouth. Later on, no one can clearly remember how the game really ended. The one thing everyone can agree probably wasn’t a hallucination was Scott Lang, in his “ant-nimagus” form, taking someone’s “Engorgio!” charm, and growing from a regular ant to a “Them!” ant. Peter Parker then recalled the muggle film “Empire Strikes Back,” and used his own Animagus powers to web Scott’s six legs together, just as the latter was reenacting a Monty Python skit with one of the Quidditch stands. (Said skit being the one with the giant Siamese cat.) Peter then snagged the Snitch, and Tony’s team won. Peter, still holding the Snitch, is now doing a little dance.

Under the conditions of Steve and Tony’s bet, the losing would team take the blame for the illegal Quidditch game, should any teachers ask. Vice-Headmaster Thaddeus Ross did ask, and assigned all of Team Cap a detention of a sadistic sort.

“For the next month,” Thaddeus says sadistically, “You’ll all be imprisoned in the Giant Squid, at the bottom of the lake!”

Steve opens his mouth to protest. Just at that moment, Peter Parker, still dancing on his broom, enthusiastically throws the Snitch behind him. The tiny golden ball goes flying right into Steve’s opened mouth, knocking him backwards into Bucky. Both tumble off of their brooms, and plummet below the bleachers. How Not to Handle Your Teammate Seeing His Parents Killed By Someone Standing Right Next To Him, And In the Same Instance Learning His Comrade Also Standing Next to Him—You—Knew All Along By sundown, everyone within a thousand-mile radius of Hogwarts is roaring drunk, and higher than a hippogriff. The Avengers have just spent several hours handling those jinxed Idiot Balls. But the worst victim of the Idiot Balls was Steve Rogers, who has accidently swallowed one. The worst one—the Golden Snitch. After speaking with Sam in the Squid-Detention, Tony finally realizes that Zemo is the bad guy. He bids his Quidditch opponents goodbye, as the Squid coughs him back up onto dry land. Whipping Squid slime off his robes, Tony mounts his broom, and goes to find Steve and Bucky. Steve and Bucky are chasing a chocolate frog, that tells them it knows where Zemo is. It leads them to the Forbidden Forest. As the sun sets, the frog takes them further and further into the Forest, finally stopping at a glowing stone basin. Tony catches up on his broom, and starts to apologize to them. But suddenly, his broom gives a strong jerk, throwing Tony head-first into the Pensieve. The Peniseve contains one of Bucky’s own missing memories, from his time as the Winter Sorcerer. This is how Tony learns that his parents did not die by accidently aparating into a werewolf’s den, as the Daily Prophet had reported. They had apparated safely to their vacation destination, only to be greeted by one of Howard Stark’s old friends, now a vampire that seemingly didn’t recognize him. When the Pensieve dumps Tony back into reality, he understandably snaps. And yet, Tony never takes any of the ample chances he has to blast Bucky’s or Steve’s heads off, instead going for throttling and blasting metal arms off. It’s almost as if he’s simply having a human reaction to something traumatic, rather than genuinely trying to murder anyone. But Steve is still being influenced by the golden idiot ball he swallowed. After mentioning Bucky’s mind-control situation once (in a bored voice), Steve never brings the issue up again. Instead, he spends the rest of the fight bellowing corny lines at Tony, like, “This won’t change what happened,” and “I could do this all day!” The enchantment on the Snitch he ate now has Steve viewing Tony as another generic villain, in need of generic heroic lectures, instead of a comrade who’s just watched his parents get killed by someone standing right next to him (and in the same instance learned the other guy standing next to him knew for ages and kept it from him). “Steve, seriously!” Bucky yells, as Tony blasts off his metal arm, “If you’re not gonna mention my mind-control to him, then just stop talking!”

Ignoring him, Steve heroically holds up his fists and bellows to Tony, “I could do this all day!” “You already said that!” Tony snaps, aiming his wand for another blow. Steve retorts, “Down with the Empire! Remember Alderaan!” and punches Tony repeatedly in the head….in the exact same manner Tony has just watched Bucky kill his father with in the Pensieve.

Shockingly, Tony remains pissed. With a finally corny cry of, “Gondor lives!” Steve breaks Tony’s his wand in half with his shield, ending the fight. Which, in total, lasted about twenty minutes, if that. About the amount of time one might expect a blind rage from someone in Tony’s position to last. Tony then shouts his famous, “That shield doesn’t belong to you!” line. At this point, a sober Steve Rogers would come out of his rage and realized that Tony was now incapacitated, visibly cooling down, and still conscious, and that this was the opportune moment to apologize, remind Tony of Bucky’s mind-control, and get everyone back on track against Zemo. But that Golden Snitch, oozing with the Russo curse, still flutters around Steve’s innards. So instead, Steve dramatically! drops the shield, and heads off into the Forest with Bucky. To Steve’s credit, his Gryffindor chivlary prevailed when he dropped the shield he was “unworthy” of; his common sense and empathy just… didn’t. A Royal Hairball T'Challa is perhaps the only individual who clearly remembers leaving the Quidditch field that day.

Near the end of the game, he had Bucky in his claws. The Animagus opened his panther jaws to begin another epic speech of revenge. But instead of powerful words, out of the panther’s mouth came pained, wheezing gags. Bucky just stared emo-ly under his rock star hair. T’Challa motioned with a paw that he had to excuse himself from the game. The panther leapt from broom to broom until he reached the bleachers, then rushed underneath them to cough up a violent hairball. Up with the hairball came most of the Firewhisky and Hobbitus Cannibus that he had been unknowingly ingesting all day. His head now clear, T'Challa has been reflecting on the day’s events. He recalls that when the suicide-pumpkin detonated, Bucky Barnes was sitting next to him, snogging Steve. And now that he thinks about it, Barnes doesn’t seem have any trace of a European accent. Could it be that the man evil enough to murder his father might also be evil enough to lie about his identity? Still in panther form, T'Challa begins sniffing for clues… T’Challa finds his way to the Forbidden Forest, where he sees Steve, Bucky and Tony fighting, and Zemo cackling from behind a bush. The panther catches the culprit, and gets the truth from him at claw-point. Helmut Zemo is an embittered and eccentric Durmstrang student, who blames the Order of the Avengers for the deaths of his imaginary wife Gwendolyn, and their three imaginary children, Huey, Dewy and Damocles. Vowing revenge, Zemo set out to destroy the Avengers from within. T'Challa’s Gryffindor chivalry now comes to light, and he realizes, “You have let revenge consume you. It has consumed them. I’m finished letting it consume me.”

T’Challa, still in panther form, drags Zemo back to Hogwarts like a dead mouse, and delivers him to the Dementors. T’Challa later apologizes to Bucky, and offers the vampire amnesty in the secret wizarding nation of Wakanda. Prison Break! Soon after the fight with Tony, Steve belches back up the Golden Snitch. As his head clears, Steve realizes how stupid he’s been. But Tony’s already gone. Steve focuses on the comrades who need his help right now. Sam, Clint, Wanda and Scott are still serving detention inside the Giant Squid’s stomach. Coughing up the Snitch has given Steve an idea.

Steve returns to the lake, and with raised fists, yells and the Squid to come face him like a man. The Giant Squid obliges. Steve then drops his dukes and whips out his wand.

“Accio Nausea Fuel!” A Muggle television set comes soaring forth in from who-knows-where. Playing on the TV is a movie, incidentally staring a relative of Zemo’s: “The Human Centipede.” The Squid is soon puking Steve’s teammates back up, one by one. When Thudnerbolt Ross contacts Tony about the jail-break via the Floo Network, Tony “accidentally” dumps the contents of his snakes’ litter boxes into the fireplace, “missing” the call. How Not to Apologize: Steve then writes an apology letter to Tony, or tries to. Unfortunately, Steve is still half-drunk when he pens and mails the letter, and still suffering some residual effects of the Idiot Balls, particularly Dramatis Personae and Fratres Russo. As a result, Tony ends up reading an embarrassing vanity project about Steve’s life and philosophical musings, spattered with lazy and cliched justifications. Tony finds it particularly ironic that Steve dodges giving him an honest explanation for keeping the information about his parents from him, in the letter where he is “apologizing,” specifically, for keeping information from Tony. Not long after, no one is surprised to see Tony Stark strolling out of the girl’s bathroom, whistling over the sound of a flushing toilet and an angry Moaning. But people are a bit confused when Tony throws up his hands and says, “Great, now I got ink all over my butt!” Separate Ways: Everyone on Team Cap is expelled from Hogwarts, as is Natasha, who violated school dress code one too many times. Hawkeye and Scott Lang finish their education from home through owl correspondence courses. Charon Carter returns home to America. The rest join Steve Rogers in forming an independent study group in Hogsmeade, to finish their schooling. Tony continues tutoring Peter Parker, both for normal classes and being an Avenger. He gets himself much-needed psychiatric help, and gets back together with Pepper. In Wakanda, T’Challa’s brilliant sister Shuri builds an impenetrable, magic glass coffin for Bucky, and begins working on a way to make him immune to the Imperius Curse. Once cured, Bucky takes work tending the flocks of thestrals on the Wakandan castle grounds. “How does it feel to come so far…?” Ministry Auror and former Ravenclaw student Everett Ross stops by Helmut Zemo’s Azkaban cell for a gloat. “So,” Everett teases, “How does it feel to come all this way, only to fail?” “Did I?” Zemo replies sinisterly. “An empire that is defeated by its enemies can rise again, but one that crumbles from within, that is dead.”

“And what’s that got to do with this?“ Everett asks. "The Avengers only crumbled due to an outside enemy—you.” A cruel smile begins to spread on Zemo’s face. “Only because I exposed the true nature of the Avengers.” “If this was about their ‘true natures,’ then why did you have to get them all to act so out-of-character, and inhumanly stupid, in order to make this ‘civil war’ happen?” Everett retorts. Zemo says quietly, “where do you think I got the Firewhisky and Hobbit Weed to spike their food with? who do you think taught me those jinxes, to turn the Quidditch balls into Idiot Balls?” Everett can only stare, now totally lost. Zemo sneers, “From the writing staff! My goal wasn’t just to destroy the Avengers as a team, but as a franchise! Yes, peering beyond the Forth Wall is an especially difficult form of Divination, which I have mastered! Today, I exposed to the entire audience how little the writers truly care about their characters, story or audience, if there’s a chance for cheap ‘drama’ and cartoonish fanboy-service! The MCU’s worst film, in any universe, has exposed to all the fans that this is nothing more than a cheap popcorn franchise. Watch now as the superhero genre loses its steam, and begins to collapse from within. Look at the DC movies, it’s already happening!” Everett can only stare at the sad, strange little man behind the barred window. Azkaban truly does drive its prisoners to incurable madness. Shaking his head, Everett takes his leave.

AN: Guess what my least favorite Marvel movie is. And those naysayers said I couldn’t write an AU fic, a parody, and a movie review all in one post!

#helmut zemo #tony stark #bucky barnes #captain america: civil war #quidditch #hogwarts #hogwarts au #Hogwarts house #captain america civil war #Fix-It #parody #review

8 notes · View notes