#dungeonsanddaddies roleplay

[journaloflarkoak]

07-01-24

I hate him. I hate him so much it hurts sometimes. I feel so weak for feeling like I could even like a person. I try to act like everything’s fine but it isn’t. My alcoholism has gotten worse, I find myself picking fights with everyone around me and every time I imagine his voice I get sick to my stomach.

I wish I was able to just be myself and know it’s fine to feel these things but he makes me feel weak. He makes me feel ashamed. I hate that people only love me in concept but as soon as my walls come down after months of begging they can’t handle it.

I am worthy of love. I’m told this every day and yet he is a constant reminder that I am bonded to someone who rather love the idea of me than accept me for my flaws. I hate him as much as he hates me. The real me at least.

-L. O-G

[not-a-crow-in-a-hat]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRUwGMPA/?k=1

I smell a campaign sub plot

[journaloflarkoak]

04-07-24

A bit late tonight but I’ve just got home from the hospital. They think I broke my arm.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

03-30-24

Maybe I do feel my anger getting worse. Maybe I’m not getting better. I just keep fucking spiraling. I’m going to go to the gym and I’m going to force myself to get back into a routine. I can’t just keep putting myself.

Dad’s out of town this week for a convention. I’m visiting my grandfather whether he likes it or not.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

02-15-24

It was cold today. I don’t feel like going to work and I can’t let myself rot all day again. Maybe I’ll go see Sparrow. It feels like he’s the only person I have anymore.

I feel like at this point I shouldn’t care that I don’t see Grant or Terry anymore. Or Nick…

I feel like a child every time I think about them but I’m not. I’m a grown man who can’t stop wanting “friends”. I’m not a fucking teenage girl. It’s fucking embarrassing. Sparrow doesn’t have friends and he’s fine. At least I don’t think he does that he doesn’t talk about them. I hope he doesn’t just not talk about them because he knows how alone I am.

Therapy in three days. Sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who knows how to fix me.

Can I be fixed?

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

So. Is this blog just your pity party? I mean hey! If you want it to be, who am I to judge. But just checking, so we're all on the same page here.

( — @williamstampler )

Yeah Willy. It’s almost like that’s what the point of a fucking journal is. You fucking asshat.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

04-09-24

My dad came and visited me today. It was.. nice. He seemed genuinely concerned for me. Maybe it was the broken arm or maybe it was the black eye and bruised exposed arms but he was a mess when he saw me. He tried to heal me but he knows I don’t like it. My bones never heal properly.

I think it was just concerned because this is the first time I was seriously hurt and mom wasn’t around. I miss her.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

you broke your arm? are you okay? what happened?

My right arm is broken. I’m alright, in a bit of pain but I’ve been given pain killers.

I had gone out of my way to train a new group of soldiers at D.A.D.D.I.E.S. and I suppose I underestimated one of the recruits. My arm was broken in three different places and dislocated. And the worst part about it is that I just feel kind of embarrassed.

Like he looked like a tough guy but I fought gods before. I’ve been through shit that no one has ever imagined doing. I’ve been to heaven and hell. I’ve travelled through portals and fought creatures you couldn’t even imagine.

And a 21 year old kid from Florida broke my arms.

Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, well my ego was definitely bruised.

Thank you for the question.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

04-06-24

I just realized that it’s strange that I have people whom read my journal every day. I post something short about my growth as a human and now I have people telling me in my personal messages that they hope I get better.

I suppose it’s because empathy is something I’ve struggled with through my whole life, but I could never imagine being invested in someone else’s life. I guess, thanks? Is that appropriate to say? It fills me with a type of happiness that there are people out there that care even if I’ve never met them.

Even if it’s just liking my posts or sending me questions about my life, although really personal and sometimes including information that I haven’t even shared, it gives me comfort knowing I’m not alone in the world.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

04-05-24

I remember when I was boy. I miss it. I miss my younger self. Not in a pitiful way. But I miss my brother and I miss just being innocent. Maybe I don’t spend enough time with him

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

04-01-24

I’ve just been reflecting on my what my grandfather said. I’m starting to think I should get a new therapist.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

03-31-24

I’ve made a mistake seeing my Grandfather. I expressed to him about my doubts and my lack of self confidence in the future and in response he spoke about how in his prime he was unstoppable and how he had no doubts in himself or his abilities. He also told me how he had a great group of partners that enhanced his abilities and that if I fear I’m not enough on my own to seek support from those around me.

I don’t have anyone.

He didn’t like that answer because he began berating my about how if I can find a way to overcome then I’m not better then non-Oaks. He’s always believed the Oaks were better then others but my attitude towards forming relationships is doing nothing but making my whole family look bad in comparison. And what sucks is that I fucking agree with him.

But he wouldn’t even let me agree with him because when I was down on myself he’d snap at me and tell me how not once has he ever seen an Oak that down on themselves and he raised my father. That stung a little. I tried to act tough but it was literally like he could see into my soul.

He told me I have potential but I don’t need to keep thinking i’m doing better, I just need to be better.

I think he may have some merit because the first thing I could think of is yet another family member who likes Sparrow more. But that shouldn’t be the take away from that conversation.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

03-29-24

I wish I could get better. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I hate seeing happy people. It’s not fair. Why can’t that be me?

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

Usually going 'im changed' means you havent changed at all

Me and Nick cut contact when I was 26. I’m going to be 35 next month. I am a vastly different person. Or at least I’m trying to be.

Unless you’re Nick, my brother or my therapist I’ve learned (through therapy) that I shouldn’t let others. opinions make me feel bad about myself. Especially if they’re strangers.

Thank you for the question.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

Was there a specific moment you can remember despising your father, or has it always been?

Was there ever a moment where something clicked?

Is there a specific memory of Henry Oak-Garcia that makes you hate him so?

Jesus. I guess since I was about 11? Around the time you start actually realizing you can have opinions outside of your parents.

I always found my father quite preachy. Always talking about being peaceful and passive, loving thy neighbour and all that. Not in a religious way although I am plagued by my mistake of running to religion when I was in my formative years because I knew it was something my father fundamentally was against.

Now I just have religious trauma and a desire to tell no one that I’m at the very least, not straight, and no desire to explore it because of how I was exposed to Christianity.

And it’s not that I blame my father for that but I believe the way he went about it was incorrect.

See I know I say I hate my father a lot but that’s just not true. I do love him. He’s my father. I am the blood of Oak and Garcia and if I really wanted to I could deny my Oak heritage but being an Oak is still something I’m very proud of.

The thing I dislike about myself always traces back to him. My anger, my stubbornness, my need to have those around me like me, my short temper. Every time I do something that is fundamentally me, I realize I’m becoming more and more like him and I hate it.

He wasn’t even a bad dad growing up. Like I can tell he cares but I just felt suffocated all the time. I was being asked to join the army and my peace and love father almost threw me out of the house he was angry.

And he acts like he doesn’t have a favourite. I know he does. Sparrow was his perfect child. Hell, Sparrows still a vegan! Sparrow knew how to express opinions to dad in a way that he wouldn’t get disappointed and I just seemingly didn’t have the patience.

I know this was probably more of an answer then you were expecting when you asked it but I could go on for hours about how my mother and I were a much better team than anything my father and I even attempted to be.

I fucking love my mom.

Thank you for the question.

-L.O-G

[journaloflarkoak]

How is your love life?

It’s alright. And by alight I mean it’s non existent and I’m content with that. I was never really a romantic person and I’ve only have a handful of meaningful relationships in general, romantic or not. For a while I thought relationships were just not my thing and honestly I still think they aren’t my thing.

My niece is obsessed with putting labels on things so I think I’m Aromantic? I think that’s what she said. The one that’s like, I don’t feel romantic attraction unless I know the person really really well.

Honestly I have more luck with one night stands and all that before even thinking about engaging in a relationship. And there’s a bunch of layers to that that I could get into but it’s drawn out and winded and no one would be interested in my affairs of the heart.

Thank you for the question.

-L.O-G