#drop the realest observations and i appreciate them so much for that

[dailyeca]

the henry stickmin to eca orichird pipeline

[hairytonsils27]

i, have lost,time

I do not know where to start so I’ll just let the words flow out of me as I write. Dear reader, I am sad. I am pissed off and extremely disappointed. I met a man whom I loved wholeheartedly, undoubtably, selflessly. I gave him everything. Everything I had, everything I owned, everything I held, was his. Myself included. And so you see, he was the love of my brief 20 year old life. In my 20 years on this planet, never have I loved anyone this fiercely. I loved everything about him. I loved his family and they loved me back.

His mother would regularly call me, we would have coffee together and we would talk about the realest things in life. About her sons transition, about her confronting him, about my mother and my family’s issues, even about her relationship with her husband, she would tell me about. We were not friends, I was much more than her sons girlfriend. She had confessed to me things that either no one or little to few people in the world knew. She would cry when she would open up to me. I made her feel safe. I gave her motherly advice on how to treat her son. And, she would listen to me. She was proud to have me, again, not only in her sons life but also in hers. She loved me.

And, I could say the same about his father. My relationship with him was of course entirely different. First time I met them, I grabbed one of his guitars and we played together. He appreciated my devotion of time to him. His father was usually very quiet around the house. He was more of an observer, I’d say. However the times in the car when we were alone were exquisite to say the least. There weren’t many, but they were enough. He would ask me questions he was scared to ask his son, and I would offer my opinion. The times this man has thanked me for what I have done for their family are carved deeply in my heart. He would always thank me for just, loving his child. For making complicated things easy to understand. For explaining stuff. He would park his car, and before dropping me off, he would look me in the eyes and thank me. I always thought that it was excessive. There was nothing that he needed to thank me for. Whatever I did for them, all of them, was out of love.

And, this reminds me of his godmother aswell. She had quite the personality. I knew that life had been tough on her but there she was, all crazy, giving hugs to everyone, unlike her little dog. When he decided he was going away to study, it was a complete chaos between us three. His mother, who was inexplicably worried, his godmother, who was very cautious about his decision and me, a 20 year old girl asked to balance out the whole situation. At that time, me and the godmother spent a lot of time talking on the phone, just us. The way she perceived his, well, transition had always been troubling to say the least. She loved him, unconditionally, but as she once told me, she thought that he was hard to love. I never understood why and I always wanted to send her a huge message, explaining she was wrong, but I never did. Once, on a 3 hour phone call, I told her that my relationship with him was kind. Simply, kind. It made her cry and she told me that he’s lucky to be loved in such a way.

So me and his family shared a lot, we had lots of private and mostly intimate conversations. The funniest of all was the time his mother asked me to explain to her why he didn’t want to visit the obgyn. Times when he was away or not in the room, they would show me things of his past life with an uncertainty. They thought that seeing how he was 5 or 10 years ago would drive me away, but I realized that they would find comfort in my reactions. His mother offered me once an old scarf, and I kindly refused, and his father showed me some pictures once. I loved him so dearly, and when such things were brought up, I could almost see them accepting him more because I accepted him entirely. Like I said, they found comfort within my reactions, which were always so surprising to them. They love their son, of course, he was their offspring, but they also missed the child they gave birth to. And, for better or for worse, there had been times that they tried to find that child within me. At his godmother wedding, his father grabbed my arms, kissed my forehead and told me, ‘I have three kids. Not two’.

Now you may ask, dear reader, why am I writing all this? What’s the point and why does it sound like a sad story? Well, because it is exactly that.

I loved this man dearly, as you may have understood. My relationship with him was sacred and everything, (and I mean everything) was about him. Was he away? I’d drive hours to him. Was he sad? Anything to make him happy. Was he sick? Anything to make him feel better. Was he moving? I moved with him. He had a problem? I had a solution. He had surgery? I left any- a n y-single fucking thing in my life to focus on him and his wellbeing, I even moved in with his folks, friend and sister, who at the time, did not know very well.

And so, long story short, he broke up with me. Now if this isn’t devastating, I don’t know what is. And yes, my first reaction was to cry and be sad, because like I said, I consider this man to be the love of my life, but, when I think about why he broke up with me, all I want to do is laugh at myself.

I do of course have, as expected, my fair share of responsibility, but the rest, is all so ridiculous. What I did, dear Reader, was not right. Without thinking well, I told a guy some things that my dear lover’s best friend had told about him. As you may imagine, when the whole incident was brought up, besides being upset, I immediately apologized to everyone involved, especially his best friend. An action that my love thought to be honest, and fair. Now, for reasons I cannot imagine, a day later, my apology was suddenly all lies, fake, two faced. For anyone who possesses a braincell, it is clear as day that I did not mean for any of this to happen. Yes, I did not think my actions through and made a mistake, but it was pointed to me that, this whole situation was something I intended. And to those I say,

yes, you oblivious fucking moron. I obviously, absolutely MEANT to ruin my relationship. As if, in the two years I have spent with this person, I have been nothing but a careless, disrespectful motherfucker.

We were to move in together in 4 weeks, yet here are some unbelievably idiotic recks, blaming that all of this, was intended. It is their right and within their freedom to do so, but I cannot help myself but laugh at these accusations. I feel pity towards them.

Now, me and his best friend do, absolutely not, go way back. I never really liked him a lot, but at times when he needed my help, I was happy to provide whatever it was that he needed. School papers, translations, money, some pr for his surgery, I even invited him to stay at my family’s home when he was left to be homeless. I realise that, what I did was absolutely wrong and that he had all the right in the world to be mad at me. But what kind of piece of shit must someone be to claim that my apology was…fake? And I mean, even strategically, it doesn’t make sense? Let’s, for a brief second, believe that I intended for this to happen, alright? I am a terrible person, I want to cause harm, etc. I ask, honestly dear reader, what would I make out of this if it was intended? What would I get if I meddled everyone? Besides my heart broken and this terrible headache? And why on earth an apology would be fake? How stupid, or rather, mean, does someone need to be to consider an apology fake?

Moving on, my dear lover fell for this absolute mess of never-ending bullshit. His best friend has a great impact on him and so, like I previously said, one day my actions were honest and good, and the next they after talking to him, they are fake, or lies, or whatever they claimed it to be.

Can you imagine that? Having the person you value most in the world, turning his back at you? Calling you a liar and two faced when every single thing you have done was in his favour? Believing that, you did, in fact, intended for all this to happen?

No, my love. I will not allow myself to be sad after calling me these terrible, most dishonourable and offensive, insulting names. If you want to go, go away. I never hid anything, I never lied to anyone. If you wanted details, I would have given you details, to the point where I would have numbered the breaths I took while I was talking to Joe. I have never lied to you, ever. You broke up with me, I had to call my father, pack my things and drive away. You lost someone who was there, giving you 110% of their love, attention, respect and devotion. And me? I would much rather not be in a relationship where my partner is not in my corner, who is very easy to manipulate by an angry friend, who would dump me when I make mistakes. I gave you, everything. You lost it. Your actions only prove to me, that I lost someone who dumps me just because their friend told them so. I lost someone stupid. Someone who’s not on my side. If this is who you are, then utterly, do you know what I lost? I, have lost, time.