#double checked reddit for one or two stories and my god that place used to be a cesspool. genuinely gotten way better

[batsplat]

I think this should be a fun one for you: rank 00’s-early 2010’s spanish atp tennis players from most beloved/underrated/least beloathed to your most behated.

I love when you’re mean about atp 🥰

incredible hater ask. love to see that me just endlessly lobbing potshots at male tennis players has finally found an audience. the inclusion criteria for this list is extremely vibes-based - they need to have had some of their career-best results in the 00's or early 2010s and I can't primarily associated them with 90's or 2020's. so no moya or alcaraz... rba marginal inclusion but not pcb. (ramos vinolas would've come top but he just... didn't really get going until late 2010s.) cut-off is top twenty peak ranking. so let's go

MOST BELOVED/UNDERRATED/LEAST BELOATHED

bautista agut: horse girl!! horse girl!!! a bit of a journey of how I learned to stop worrying and love the pusher. I've occasionally had a slightly troubled history with the guy, not least because sometimes it does feel like he crawls out of the woodwork literally just to piss me off? like, I'm sorry, check out this string of results from last year (I've conveniently highlighted the irritating result)

first time since JANUARY he'd strung together back-to-back match wins. feels a little personal!!

beyond spawning out of nowhere to hand medvedev a yearly defeat, he has also been done a fair bit of torturing of murray. that 2022 match at doha with the foul scoreline... that being said, if you're a fan of a high-ranked player it is extremely poor form to be too annoyed by this kind of thing. medvedev should maybe consider stop losing to inferior pushers and even at the time I did find it pretty funny, rolled my eyes but fundamentally idc that much about how he does in halle. and I am obviously a big supporter of pushing... rba is quite an un-spanish players in some ways - doesn't play with a lot of spin, not bad at clay but it's not where he shines. idk I'm a big fan of pushers, rba has been a stalwart representative of the pushing lifestyle on the atp tour, he's kind of in that gilles simon camp where I was always happy enough to put on a match with them in it. and y'know, he seems like a nice enough guy. a fixture of the atp tour who I'm just kinda fond of

ferrer: always felt kinda sorry for him. destined to be #2 spaniard forevermore. thing is, with his game, you do have to say he didn't massively underachieve - like in a way a slam final is a pretty impressive showing. he's not one of the players TO ME where it feels super painful they never won a slam, even though arguably he's had a better career than some of the guys I'd put in that camp. funny how that works out!! I actually quite like ferrer's game, it's very bread and butter, spanish clay court style... and y'know, I grew up on clay, it's probably still my favourite surface all things considered, and we did always joke about the grinding from ten metres behind the baseline thing. I respect it. gets annoying when someone is nadal-levels good, but ferrer is very much not that so I quite enjoyed watching him play. idk, I did always vaguely like those second tier players during the big four era - childhood nostalgia of watching them in a bunch of slam matches without my negative feelings towards the big three. he's not my favourite of those, but he's all right. just quite inoffensive really

costa: oh man, I just don't really have any particularly strong feelings towards this guy. I think it's pretty funny how he won a slam and does just reflect where the clay game was at for a few years before nadal, like none of the post kuerten pre nadal rg winners were particularly serious characters. still, beating ferrero in that 2002 final is something I will gladly applaud, especially absolutely walloping him in the first two sets. this is very firmly before my time and perhaps a year or so before I even held my first tennis racquet as a kid, and while I obviously have quite a few past players I have strong feelings about... costa is not one of them. he is not actively offensive to me, let's put it that way (which I retroactively realised I'd put for two players in a row, but I'll leave it because it's funny that this is how I classify spanish players)

verdasco: now, look. verdasco doesn't hate nadal, but I am more than happy to do so on his behalf. I wasn't a sentient enough person yet in 2009 to have particularly sophisticated takes on the tragic inevitability of sports narratives, but if I HAD been I think I would've gone insane at some point during That Australian Open Match. basically redlined for hours and it still wasn't enough, never reached another slam semi, just kinda sucks man. (not that it matters but I'm glad he did at least manage to beat nadal in five at ao 2016 in the first round, just for the vibes.) I do also have a fair bit of sympathy for him over the two month doping ban he got in 2022 for failing to renew the therapeutic exemption thingy he had for his adhd medication - that was just so obviously a case of someone not really doping and tbh a lot of people (including some players!!) were pretty cruel about that shit

all that being said, can't say I've ever particularly been a fan. idk he was just one of those vaguely frustrating players to me who theoretically had a lot to their game but never was quite... on it enough. I do like some players who build their games around big booming forehands, but it's not really what I've ever gravitated towards. I think we have now reached the part of the list where most of these guys get a bit of a nadal tax. as in, I've seen them pal around with nadal, it has been forced in front of my eyeballs, and I simply do not support that kind of behaviour. (true of ferrer too but he has just about enough accumulated good will to be ranked higher up.) it's nothing personal, it's just that they're associated with nadal in my mind. I don't like it

robredo: is it bad if I say I got him confused with verdasco as a kid. too many spaniards. well, first off, go watch the valencia 2014 final against murray (I got a kia ad for nadal when I tried to open this video which ramped up my internal haterism for what is to come). what people sometimes forget about this horrifically painful final is that it was the second time in like?? a few weeks?? where he was playing murray in a final... I think he blew five matchpoints in both which. ouch. anyway the point is that valencia match is great - and unlike when the big three inflict horrendously painful defeats on their opponents, this was good and moral and fun. robredo was probably the most... invisible of this lot, if that's not too mean. his biggest contribution to tennis history is defeating federer once and only once at the 2013 us open, ensuring that federer and nadal wouldn't play - which ensured they never played at the us open which means it is an incomplete and quite frankly fraudulent rivalry. they missed out by one match on six occasions. the list of players who stopped them reads murray, djokovic, del potro and.... robredo. a hero tbh

other robredo thoughts... I mean, he was a bit top twenty filler if we're being honest. the thing where he won three consecutive slam matches from two sets to love down was pretty neat. he's basically ferrer but worse. I rank him at basically the same level as verdasco but I remember more verdasco matches than robredo so. there we are

ferrero: okay. look. I'm aware some of this might be coloured by my extreme irritation at his presence in alcaraz's coaching box these last few years. man will simply not shut up. I can't help it - sometimes this stuff colours my opinions on someone

(not a player but the swiftest downfall in this regard has been darren cahill, who had a base fondness for as 'notable agassi coach' that he's steadily pissed away in this sinner partnership. zero respect for how he dumped anisimova so soon after she hired him because he just couldn't handle the strains of travel, throwing himself a pity party... before almost immediately linking up with sinner. a tangent irrelevant to this post but I just needed to get that in there!!)

I get that coaching's legal now!! and I am NOT a conspiracy theorist about the timing of that change happening right during the golden boy's rise to the top, but!! it's still obviously been pretty convenient, like surely the umpires could not have ignored that for all that much longer lol. and I hate the rule change, idc how little practical use it is - it's antithetical to the spirit of tennis. I know coaching happened before then too but it makes a difference if you have to at least be sly about it (not that this guy ever really was). also beyond my principled opposition, he's just annoying. it's annoying. I'm sick of his face by now. get him off my screen

but to rewind twenty years, it's still aggravating that his one and only slam came at the cost of what would have been one of the all-time great slam fairy tale runs. it should have been verkerk!! ik that it wasn't even particularly close, I don't care. verkerk also just had a more compelling run to the final - sure jcf beat defending champion costa but he wasn't in particular good form, and verkerk took out both moya and coria. some random dutch bloke took out former champion moya in five sets... should have gotten the title. I'm sure you'll be delighted to know the match is indeed on youtube. isn't this cool:

don't you want to root for this guy!!

anyway yeah idk you're a top player for years you win one slam and THAT is how you won it? by stomping on a fairy tale? the counter-argument is that jcf SHOULD have won in 2002 but, well. just an awful performance wasn't it. like I know I said I like grinders and chokers but the first two sets of the first slam final you compete in being 1-6 0-6... hm. idk man. just don't think he was a good enough player to have earned a slam or indeed to have been number one, and in that case I would prefer the fairy tale slam. I will say he was an underrated hard court player, but yeah just didn't like his playstyle. a lot of these spaniards are way too big on their forehands. and I cannot forgive his role in blighting the game with another spanish prodigy. we're just never going to be free

lopez: okay, look, admittedly the fact that he seemed so close to nadal didn't make me particularly keen on him, but it's more than that!! another one where his activities post-retirement have hardly done much to endear him to me. I do unironically loathe this guy for his work running the madrid open, I think he's an incompetent sexist cunt who needs to be kept far away from women's tennis as possible. these last couple of years have made me more and more furious about the current situation with women's tennis - the game is in an excellent place but it might as well be being sabotaged by the people who are supposed to promote it. it's disgraceful he is still even in the job after the women's doubles finalists were prevented from speaking during the trophy ceremony, and it's as good a demonstration as you're going to get of the wta's luck of power. just makes me sad man

also, I never liked him as a player. idk man hating's not rational but I'm trying to come up with something I feel like I can defend a bit more than 'I was sick of people talking about how attractive this guy was to women'. but well, I was! oh wow, he's a heartthrob?? you think he's good-looking?? you want to make a joke about how he makes the ladies swoon?? original! never heard it before! look, I support straight women in their lifestyle choices even if they differ from my own, but more than anything else I just find this shit cringe. 'deliciano' is cringe. calling a bloke vain can be a pretty charged insult, but in this case I stand by it - shallow man with shallow tennis. just this gross macho energy that I personally have always found off-putting. he's also a commentators' pet where they want him to unlock his inner potential and become the player he could be with all that talent inside of him... literally shut up

nadal: if nadal has a million haters, I am one of them. if nadal has five haters, I am one of them. if nadal has one hater, that is me. if nadal has no haters, then I am no longer alive. if the word supports nadal then I am against the world

I ended up writing paragraphs and paragraphs worth of why I hate him for One Match Specifically but then I realised that wasn't really part of the remit for a jokey hater post and was also getting a wee bit TOO earnest and emotional. it has been cut out but lmk if you want to read an extended scream into the abyss I suppose lol

anyway! my number one enemy. djokovic might be the worst of the big three on moral grounds, federer's whole aesthetic and vibe is horrendous, but as an actual tennis player? oh, nadal, they could never make me like you. instinctively the least appealing playstyle... I love watching djokovic move around the court, even I can appreciate clean federer hitting. nadal is just... well, look, I'm not a forehand girl. and when I AM a forehand girl, I tend to like mine a bit flatter. penetrating. I can appreciate nadal's forehand is a great shot, but it doesn't really do much for me. all the good and appealing parts of nadal's game... low key are better from djokovic. the athleticism, the counterpunching, high margin game etc. if I want this stuff, I go to djokovic. also, look, I don't like the grunting - but what I really don't like is how completely accepted it is to hound wta players for grunting while nobody bats an eyelid when nadal sounds like a flock of seagulls is dying in his throat every single point. and I get that the double standards aren't exactly his fault, but you know what is his fault? his repeated and consistent opposition to equal pay in tennis! admittedly women's rights aren't exactly an issue you want to interrogate too closely with any of the big three, see the utter cowardice and moral void surrounding the zverev case

which I think gets to the part that really pisses me off about nadal. it's just... the hypocrisy. his pr is all about being this big fighter, big fighter, big fighter, he's so tough, he never gives up, what a fighter. such a big song and dance is done about what a great sportsman he is, him and federer obviously - how respectful they are, how civil and composed and isn't it great that we have two such great role models for the sport. people won't stop banging on about the fucking racquet smashing thing, as if we have to declare sainthood because a multi-millionaire tax evader has decided not to break a stick that clocks in at maybe a hundred fifty quid retail price. I'm biased in that I like racquet smashes, I think they're funny, they're ultimately not that serious - I don't particularly mind giving them a code violation but I do think it's remarkable that breaking a racquet isn't allowed but smashing up your own body with a racquet is. which is a separate issue! point being, it's one of those things that get used to paint nadal as the fairest most respectful most humblest bestest sportsman of all time. but he's not!! of course he engages in gamesmanship, of course he did some blatant time violations every time he could get away with it, of course he loved disrupting the rhythm of the other player serving, of course some of his medical timeouts were awfully convenient. of course it's pretty rich of him to complain about other blokes grunting

which I literally would not mind - I am a justine henin fan - if it weren't ignored due to this guy's insane pr. I also think it is awfully like tennis, in all its hypocrisy and fundamental conservatism, to judge someone's moral character over the number of racquets they have smashed - rather than literally anything else. this OBVIOUSLY isn't his fault, but I find the way many of his fans glorify the abuse his uncle subjected him to as a child beyond distasteful. federer fans are the cockiest and at times most fanatical (though For Some Reason they've quietened down these past few years), djokovic fans are the most flat out insane, but I find something about the conservatism of the nadal fanbase particularly pernicious. all in on the macho culture, endless wanking off to his masculinity and traditional values and whatever other bullshit

and to bring it back around - he's also fucking boring lol. like at the end of the day all this stuff just eats away at his appeal for me. so committed to never saying anything controversial he never says anything at all. I've already expressed this opinion before on this blog, but I firmly believe if you are an athlete that good and that dominant then you NEED to have more going for you. you need more character, more narrative juice, more interesting interpersonal relationships with your fellow competitors. tbh I think it's probably quite hard to keep me invested if you're THAT dominant, but let's be honest - men's tennis hasn't even been trying since agassi and sampras retired (rip to my men's tennis goats). serena on the women's side is way less annoying because she faced a changing cast of characters throughout her career, everyone in noughties wta had crazy narrative juice, and she is also exponentially more interesting than the big three combined. she really WAS an asshole at times, and I mean that in the most complimentary way possible!! all the gamesmanship people use to insult her honestly just makes me like her more. people complain about the chaos at the top of the wta tour but like... first of all, obviously we've left that era, and secondly I'd take that any day over stagnation at the top of the men's. the big three for all their incredible tennis have stifled the men's game, nadal's the worst of them, glad he's retired

MOST BEHATED

[jj-bxby]

Rudy Pankow x Reader Request - Who’s Who

gif credit @toesure

Request - Can I make a Rudy Pankow request pls?? One where the reader and him are dating and the reader is part of the outer banks cast. They are doing The Who’s Who interview with Buzzfeed. They’re just being like super cute during the interview. Thanks! 🤗

Word Count - 1.2k

A/N - This is a piece where the reader is a part of the OBX cast as another character :)

“Rudy, I swear to god if you don’t stop shaking your leg right now,” you mumbled to your boyfriend as the camera’s light flickered on. He looked at you and grabbed your hand out of frame, giving it a squeeze as he smiled at you. Both of you were rather nervous, this was your first interview since you had told your friends you were dating but hadn’t brought it to public light, at least not yet. Luckily your friends were supportive as always, JD sending you both dumb memes about couples, Madilyn and Chase inviting you on a double date, and Madison always being there for you to talk about any relationship questions you had. It was like a fairytale for now, but the both of you had a few different late-night conversations about how your relationship being in the public eye could affect you. Gently sliding your hand from Rudy’s, you turned to look at Rachel, your interviewer for the day as she scribbled on a piece of paper.

“Alright guys, we’re going to be playing Who’s Who today. I’m sure you know how it works already, but I’m going to give you some questions and you’ll point to who is most likely to do the thing in question! Just be yourselves and feel free to talk more about the questions, okay?” The group chattered in agreement, and Rachel nodded.

“Okay, first up. Who’s most likely to mess up their lines?” You smiled and pointed to Rudy, as did everyone else. Well, everyone except Rudy himself of course, who had looked to Chase. He gave you a mock-gasp, when he saw your hand pointed to him, clutching his heart dramatically. “Seriously? Woooow. I just make up my own lines, sometimes is all!”

“To be fair, you making up lines stems from you forgetting them in the first place,” Madison pointed out, nodding to him.

“Look we got some of my best lines that way. Dare I say some of the best lines in the entire show,” He cocked his eyebrow and you laughed.

You mimicked your boyfriend's voice as you recited one of your favorites, “I can’t walk bro, I got polio.” Everyone erupted in laughter, while Rudy rolled his eyes. “Like I said, best lines in the show, man.”

Once the laughter had dropped off, Rachel moved to the next question. “Okay, who’s the most likely to fall or trip while filming?”

Everyone pointed to Madilyn, including herself. “Yeah, y'know that scene where I walked on the log after the storm? We had to do more takes of that than I’d like to admit, just because I kept falling off the log!” She laughed and looked at you, “And Y/N had to help me cover up the bruises the next day!” You smiled, remembering trying to brush color corrector and foundation onto Madi’s skin to cover up the nasty bruises she’d gotten, and failing horribly.

“Now that I think about it, Y/N did have one pretty hilarious trip at one point.” Madison said, glancing at you. “When we were doing a take of the Midsummer's party and she was wearing heels, she totally tripped on her own feet!”

Chase flashed a shit eating grin as he continued the story. “Yeah! And she wouldn’t have even fallen but Rudy tried to, uh, “catch” her,” Chase air-quoted, “but he ended up making them both fall. Luckily Rudy is just such a gentleman.”

You scrunched up your face and groaned while remembering that scene, but your boyfriend just threw his head back and laughed. “Hey you could have at least let me fall on top of you, that day, mister.” You joked as you bumped your shoulder into his lightly, giggling at the thought. He bumped you back, but it was harder than either of you had expected, and you fell off of your stool.

“Oh shit, babe,” Rudy said as he rushed to help you up. You sat there giggling on the floor as your boyfriend hopped out of his seat and held out his hand.

“Y��know, I seem to fall a lot more with you around, ya dork.” You smiled as you took hold of his outstretched hand, him helping you to your feet while apologizing profusely. “Oh my god, it’s fine, Rudy! Look, I’m not broken!” You said, spinning in a circle before you smoothed out your dress. You glanced over at the others as you took your seat again, seeing the others had taken to staring at you both and grinning knowingly. You rolled your eyes as Madison wiggled in her seat at you, raising her eyebrows.

Rachel cleared her throat as she went back to her questions. “Alright guys, who is most likely to be found staying up all night?”

The votes were split between you and JD, both of you having pointed at each other. “Look I always get notifications from you texting me memes or dumb reddit posts at three a.m., JD!”

“Aha! So why are you checking them at three a.m., huh Y/N? You know I got read receipts on,” he accused, wiggling his finger at you.

You narrowed your eyes and slowly pointed your finger back towards yourself. “Touché.”

“Who’s most likely to be the ‘Cast Mom’?”

You perked as you pointed to yourself, pumping your fists in the air when everyone else did as well.

“I swear to god she has everything you could ever need in that damn purse of hers.” Rudy said with a laugh.

“She even kept fruit snacks in there for when I wanted something to snack on,” JD nodded. “Oh she has chips for me!” Chase chimed in excitedly.

“You don’t want to be around these boys when they’re hungry,” you explained.

“Yeah, y’all also have like an unlimited supply of Band-Aids and bobby pins in there too,” Madison added, Madi nodding in agreement.

“It’s true, she basically knows what we need before we need it! She’s also the best at making plans and getting all of us to show up to them!”

You look to Rachel dramatically. “What can I say, it’s hard raising five twenty-something’s all on my own.” You let out a little nose laugh at your own joke and saw the others smiling back at you, trying to contain their laughter.

“Alright, and final one for the day here, who’s most likely to end up together?”

Your eyes widened and darted to Rudy’s, before you both looked to your friends. All of them were making heart hands at the two of you while grinning devilishly. The blood rushed to your cheeks at their antics and you squeezed your eyes for a second shut as you smiled.

“Well I guess the cat’s out of the bag for everyone now, huh?” Rudy said as he passed a hand through his hair. He ducked over to give you a kiss on the cheek and flash you a grin.

“C‘mon, you guys are too cute together to keep it a secret!” Madison exclaimed.

“Yep, Madison’s right, guys,” Chase said, Madi and JD agreeing.

“Alright, alright!” You pulled out your phone and opened up your instagram, pulling Rudy over to you for a kiss as you snapped a picture of it. You tapped away at your keyboard as your friends “Awwwed” in the background. Rudy read the caption over your shoulder.

“well, it’s official now. @rudeth and i are dating 🥰”

After sliding your phone back into your pocket, you grabbed your boyfriend’s hand and laced your fingers with his.

“So I think we win the ‘Cutest Couple’ award, sorry guys,” Rudy said solemnly as he nodded to Chase and Madilyn, smiling at the giggles coming from you.

“Hell yeah we do.”

tags + moots ~ @joshy-obx @jjsredhat @jjsbxtch @jjsmaybcnk @drewswannabegirl @starksweasley @starlightstarkey @stargazingstarkey @aesthetic-lyss @shawnssongs @futuretaxcheat @overly-b

[makeste]

why Kaminari Denki is not the U.A. traitor (and why the traitor is actually Hagakure)

thank you, anon! okay first off, my opinion of the Kaminari Traitor Theory is: nah, he ain’t. but as requested, I will break this down and refute the various arguments point by point.

this is a big compilation of various “Kaminari is the traitor” posts from 4chan (general warning btw for 4chan being 4chan), which I got from this reddit thread. some of these are clearly shitposts, but on the whole it seems fairly comprehensive, so I’m gonna use this as my primary source for theory arguments. if there are any major arguments for this theory that I missed please let me know.

also! a huge part of the reason why I don’t subscribe to this theory is that I am 1000% sure that Hagakure is the actual traitor. so the second half of this post will consist of a detailed explanation as to why I’m all-in on that theory to the point of dismissing any and all other theories. I feel like that’s worth clarifying a bit more.

so! here goes.

“his proto design is that of a villain”

lol I’m trying to think of how to put this diplomatically. this is something I see a lot, people using Horikoshi’s prototype sketches and notes as evidence for various theories. the thing is, this is shaky ground at best. there’s a reason why these are proto designs and not the final product. Deku’s proto design had emo kid hair, and proto!Katsuki was an obnoxious prep school kid lol. plans change, and thank fucking god for that tbh.

but that aside, “he looks like a villain” is not in any way a solid argument to begin with. Horikoshi has made a point in the actual story of showing that people’s preconceived notions of what heroes and villains “should” look and behave like doesn’t always line up with reality. and in this case we’re not even basing it on behavior, but solely on how he looks, which is really kind of discriminatory. by that logic, one could look at, say, Shouji, and be all, “well he’s clearly the traitor.” just because someone looks scary at first glance doesn’t mean they actually are. all in all, I don’t buy it.

“Kaminari is the only one who could have told the villains where the camping trip was being held since he’s pretty much a walking GPS”

I present to you a panel from chapter 83:

literally any one of the students could have used their phone’s GPS to pinpoint their location and send it to the villains. they weren’t on any kind of communications lockdown, and even if they were, there was no practical way to enforce it. so this argument doesn’t really hold water for me. even if Kami’s quirk did work that way, which we don’t really have evidence of aside from one weird line in the USJ arc that has never since been expanded on, that doesn’t really work as evidence of him being the traitor when there are 39 other kids who could have done the exact same thing without a quirk.

“his dumbness is fake”

this is honestly the one aspect of this theory that I least understand. the thing is, this isn’t a theory. this is a what-if. it’s as if it occurred to someone one day, “lol what if he was just faking” and then this entire elaborate conspiracy headcanon was built up around that and eventually evolved into what we have today. this just doesn’t make sense to me at all. is there any evidence of him actually faking it? I feel like people just went “omg that would be such a cool twist” and then started arguing why it could be canon.

anyways I personally think Kaminari is 100% certified organic dumbass, and frankly I love him for that. where is the respect for the dumbasses of the world. Kaminari is still a great character even if he’s not secretly a JUST AS PLANNED double agent. you don’t need to make him evil for him to be interesting.

“look at his sneering face here, though”

okay yeah but hear me out: he’s a little shithead, lol. I mean, do you also think Bakugou is the traitor or.

“I edited this picture to make him look more evil, look”

okay??? lol, what. I think we can just move right along from this one.

“he didn’t bother with a costume, this must mean he doesn’t need help controlling his ability”

this I don’t get at all. a lot of the kids went into hero school not having a clear idea of what kind of costume features would best suit their quirks. that’s only natural; they’re still inexperienced. it is in no way any kind of indicator of any deception on their part. Kaminari is extremely powerful, but until recently he hasn’t had the guidance he needed to help him figure out how to harness that power better. and seeing as he has now made several modifications to his costume since starting at U.A., this argument is out of date.

“it’s scary how much traitor kaminari would make sense”

a lot of these really are just shitposts, huh? maybe I should have picked a better source. but just, like. what even is the logic here? “if he’s actually not stupid THEN HE MUST BE EVIL”? I really am trying to give this theory a fair shake you guys, even though it probably doesn’t seem that way. but this is just leap after leap. I keep thinking that I must have missed something crucial but as far as I can tell this is it.

“Monoma’s gonna copy his quirk and figure it out”

I do want to see Monoma copy his quirk, but only because seeing him go all “wheeeey” would be absolutely amazing tbh.

“reminder that kaminari thought stain was cool”

this one is actually a reasonable point. but listen, you have to keep in mind that Kaminari is a sixteen-year-old boy who gets easily swept up in the latest crazes and memes and fads. he’s naturally curious, and very open-minded and accepting, even when he perhaps shouldn’t be. but it’s as much a strength as it is a weakness, if not more so. those same traits make him the friendliest member of class 1-A (with the possible exception of Kirishima), allowing him to get along well even with a sentient cactus like Bakugou, and to stubbornly befriend Shinsou all of fifteen minutes after Shinsou announced that he wasn’t there to make friends lmao. he’s very unprejudiced, and when you put that together with how excitable he is, you can see how that might make him a bit more susceptible to getting caught up in stuff like the Stain hype train. it doesn’t make him evil. hell, even Deku had a kind of begrudging respect for Stain. I personally can’t stand Stain at all so I don’t get it myself lol, but it seems to be canon that he had a real charisma which many people were swayed by even if they didn’t agree with his ideals.

“>hanging wrist watches on the wall  - Who the hell does this”

you know what that’s a fair point too.

“his room is tacky and shows no personality”

okay in seriousness this is barely worth addressing because it’s so far of a reach, but fine. the thing is, Kaminari’s core personality is that of a typical teenage boy. that’s his role in the class. he’s just a normal guy, because you need to have some normal people around to balance out this cast of extravagant weirdos. and anyways, if we’re accusing people of being evil simply because their rooms lack personality, Ojiro and Shouji’s rooms are right. there. I’m just saying.

“he was in remedial too [on the school trip]. avoiding combat”

so were Sero, Kirishima, Mina, Satou, and Monoma. what’s more, they didn’t know that the remedial kids were going to be barred from participating in the test of courage. most of them were devastated to realize that lol. anyways so yeah this isn’t really proof of anything.

“[the night] before the attack Kaminari is clearly missing”

this is referring to this panel from chapter 75:

however, there’s actually a whole chapter in the second light novel about Iida going around in the middle of the night checking on his sleeping classmates (which is actually very sweet) while also trying to find his glasses, and said chapter establishes that Iida is in fact the one missing in this scene. because he’s wandering around tucking people in and shit. Kaminari is actually the one under the pile of pillows.

anyways, this is getting long and I haven’t even gotten into the real meat of this post yet, so I’ll just address a couple of the remaining arguments real quick.

but if he’s really that stupid how did he get into U.A.” - he studied!!! also he’s not really that stupid! he can be very bright, he’s just easily distracted.

L pose – as others have pointed out, this...

...is very likely just a variation of his finger gun pose, as seen here:

but even if it’s not, my rebuttal for the Stain argument applies here as well. my boy loves his memes. this would have been right in the midst of all the Deika City coverage, and the PLF probably took the opportunity to throw a few poses in there. it’s probably the trendy thing on Instagram right now. in any case, what it is not is proof that Kaminari is the person who broke into the U.A. offices and stole the staff schedule in order to facilitate the League’s planned invasion of USJ. nor is it proof of Kaminari being the one who gave away the training camp’s location. 

and segueing into the second part of this post now, this, IMO, is what so many of these traitor theories are missing. if you’re trying to identify who the U.A. traitor is, these are the two incidents you need to look at. I feel like a lot of people get swept up in what-if speculation, and forget what sparked this whole notion of there being a mole at U.A. in the first place. it’s specifically because of these two attacks, which could not have been planned without the assistance of an inside person providing information to the League from within UA. therefore, if we’re trying to identify who the traitor is, these are the only two questions we actually have to answer:

who, if anyone, had the opportunity to steal the staff schedule during Shigaraki’s break-in in chapter 12, and

who was it that gave away the training camp’s location and allowed Dabi and co. to invade and kidnap Bakugou?

that’s it. this, IMO, is what the focus should be on. and here’s the thing: while we still don’t have a definitive answer for the second question, we do have an answer for the first, and Horikoshi gave it to us all the way back in that same chapter.

but before I get to that, let’s back up and revisit that memorable incident. recall, if you will, the events that took place on the day of the break-in. class 1-A voted on a class president, and afterwards, during their lunch period, the security alarm went off as a result of Tomura doing this to the door and allowing the press to swarm the school:

initially, Rat Principal speculates as to whether a villain might have taken the opportunity to sneak in. but given the later incident at the training camp, as Present Mic rightly points out, it’s far more likely that there is a traitor in their midst instead. someone who had both the means and opportunity to take advantage of the chaos caused by the press, and somehow steal a copy of the staff schedule from right under U.A.’s nose.

given that this same person is almost certainly the one who later on gave the training camp info to the villains as well, this narrows down the field of potential suspects to either one of the teachers, or a student from class 1-A or 1-B. obviously if it’s a teacher then it could be any one of them, so there’s really no point in trying to narrow it down. the same goes for 1-B since we’re not even introduced to them until the following arc and we have no idea what they were doing during this incident. so for now, the question becomes: which, if any of the class 1-A kids had the opportunity to steal the schedule during chapter 12?

and for the answer, we need only revisit the class president voting records:

incidentally, this is something I can’t take credit for, because it was Viz’s translator Caleb Cook who originally pointed it out on his Twitter. but anyways. just in case this isn’t clear, the results are as following: 

3 votes - Deku (himself, Ochako, and Iida)

2 votes - Yaomomo (herself, and Shouto)

1 vote - Jirou, Tsuyu, Ojiro, Kaminari, Bakugou, Sero, Kirishima, Tokoyami, Mineta, Satou, Kouda, Mina, Shouji, and Aoyama

for anyone doing the math, that is... nineteen votes.

curious, for a class consisting of twenty kids. and downright suspicious given the events that take place less than an hour later. assuming that each student voted for him or herself as implied, what this means is that every kid in class 1-A is accounted for on the day of the break-in, except one. and it’s not Kaminari.

it’s Hagakure.

Hagakure is not featured in any of the panels before or after the vote, either. true, she’s invisible, but she should still be wearing her uniform at the very least. but she is very distinctively the sole 1-A student unaccounted for during this chapter. Hagakure, whose quirk is invisibility. Hagakure, who could have easily slipped into the teacher’s office during the press onslaught and taken a copy of the schedule unnoticed. Hagakure, who is also one of only two people (the other being Aoyama) whose whereabouts are also unverified during the subsequent attack:

now this is where it gets really interesting. why would Hagakure’s location be deliberately withheld? especially since later on she says that she was actually with Todoroki the whole time:

unlike Aoyama, whose whereabouts remain a mystery because He Is Just Like That, Hagakure freely discloses her own whereabouts. the thing is though, if it wasn’t actually a secret, then why did Horikoshi go out of his way to omit it in the first place? there are other characters whose locations we only know because Horikoshi put them on the map. specifically Tokoyami and Kouda, who are never actually shown battling once they get warped away (at least not in the manga). yet despite this, their whereabouts aren’t a secret. it’s a deliberate choice by Horikoshi to not confirm where Hagakure actually is, and coming on the heels of her also being conspicuously MIA in chapter 12, this IMO is a huge red flag.

anyway, so now let’s fast forward to the training camp arc. now here, we do know where Hagakure ends up. specifically, she gets KOed by the gas along with Jirou. this makes her one of only two U.A. students who are not actually involved in the fighting either at the forest, or back at the lodge with Vlad. at first glance, that might appear to make her less suspicious. and it’s true that unlike the USJ arc, there is no evidence here that directly ties Hagakure to this particular invasion (though the same is true for pretty much everyone else as well). however, there are two things I would like to point out. the first is Hagakure and Jirou’s position in the test of courage lineup:

directly behind Todoroki and Bakugou (a.k.a. the League’s target). this would have put her in a good position to signal to the League when to attack. note that the attack didn’t commence until Baku and Todo had reached the midpoint of the trail, which results in their decision to press forward through the forest rather than turning back toward the start.

this is suspiciously good timing on the League’s part. it’s not confirmed they knew exactly when to strike -- they could have just gotten lucky -- but it’s something worth taking note of. 

and the second thing is that being so close to the League’s target would have made it difficult for Hagakure to escape without having to fight the League. and since she wasn’t alone, she couldn’t just run off and hide like during USJ. so it may be that she made the deliberate choice to let the poison gas take the two of them out instead, especially if she knew in advance that it wouldn’t actually be lethal. this gives her an alibi for the attack without putting her in the awkward position of potentially having to fight her own allies. all in all it’s making the best of a tricky situation.

lastly, here’s the thing that really clinches the whole theory for me, and it takes place a couple of days later. now remember, the purpose of this whole attack was for the League to kidnap Bakugou. they go to all that trouble, even losing three of their own members in the process. and what happens afterwards, barely two days later? the heroes track down the villains using Momo’s homing device and Naomasa’s fortuitous tip, and are able to get Bakugou back, albeit at great cost. all of that meticulous planning, only for the League to end up on the run, and with Tomura’s mentor taken captive to boot.

this seems like a huge oversight on behalf of the U.A. traitor if they knew about the heroes’ attack and didn’t think to warn the League. and the thing is, we know for a fact that every single member of class 1-A did know in advance, thanks to Kirishima and Shouto. every member that is, except two.

hmmm.

so, to reiterate. Hagakure Tooru:

has no alibi for the incident in chapter 12 during which someone stole the staff schedule as confirmed by Kurogiri in chapter 13

has no confirmed alibi for the USJ invasion

had the means and opportunity to pass along the training camp location to the villains, assuming she had a phone with GPS

is one of only two 1-A students who did not know that the heroes had tracked the villains’ location, and thus would not have been able to pass along that vital bit of info. we know that the villains were caught unawares by the heroes’ raid, so this is huge

so that’s three incidents (not counting the training camp location which admittedly anyone could have done) in which Hagakure is singled out as one of only a handful of people with no alibi during a critical moment. now granted, there are a handful of other candidates who could possibly fall under suspicion for same reasons. Aoyama’s whereabouts are also unknown during the USJ invasion, and Jirou was also knocked out during the training camp attack. however, Hagakure is the only one who lacks an alibi for all three incidents. and, crucially, she is the sole 1-A student who did not vote in the class president election, something which is never explained or even brought up but which is hidden in plain sight.

for these reasons, I pretty much have to conclude that Hagakure is the U.A. traitor. it just lines up. and for me, the difference between the Hagakure theory and the Kaminari theory is that the evidence for the former is based on actual events in the canon, whereas the Kami theory seems to mostly just be speculation about whether or not he’s secretly evil. and look, I have no idea whether or not Hagakure is evil. I have no clue why she’d be doing this. she seems nice (although it’s worth pointing out that we have no idea what she actually looks like, who her family is, or even how old she really is for that matter. her quirk is awfully convenient for being a spy). motive is definitely a big question mark here. but the fact remains that all of the evidence we have thus far points to one candidate, and that’s her.

anyways! so that’s the end of my post about the Kaminari traitor theory, I guess! basically, he is not the traitor for many reasons, but the most compelling one is that the actual traitor has already been confirmed in my book. anyhoo, this plot has more or less been on hold since chapter 98, so it’s been quite a while since we’ve had much to speak of in terms of new evidence. but as of 242 it looks like things may finally be on the move again, so that’s exciting. regardless of my opinion on the Kami theory, I’m excited that people are talking about this again, and I really can’t wait to see how things develop from here.

[craigrcannon]

Employee #1: Reddit

Employee #1 is a series of interviews focused on sharing the often untold stories of early employees at tech companies.

Chris Slowe was the first employee at Reddit. He worked at Reddit for five years, then Hipmunk for five years, and now he’s back at Reddit, writing code.

Discussed: YC’s First Batch, Meeting The Founders, Finishing a PhD While Working at a Startup, Keyser Söze, Reddit as Vocation, Maintaining a Life Outside a Startup, and Returning to Reddit.

Craig : You’re back at Reddit now. What’s your role at this point?

Chris : It’s kinda two things. I started off working on some front page redesign stuff that we’ve got planned. I’m also working on a new version of our algorithm. Our current version is about eight years old. I also wrote that algorithm.

Craig : [Laughter]

Chris : Practically speaking, we’re probably a hundred times bigger than we were when we wrote that, so that was my initial task. I’m also forging one of our new engineering teams, which we internally call “Anti-Evil.” We’re anti-spam, anti-abuse, and sort of anti-cheating. I guess we’re anti-everything. Pro-freedom!

Craig : Right on. And prior to re-joining Reddit you were at Hipmunk. How was it working there?

Chris : I really enjoyed it. I think the thing we learned most of all there was that breaking into travel is really hard. There are a lot of big players and most travel companies aren’t technology companies. I can’t tell you how many times I was on a call and the other person on the phone was referring to their engineering staff as “IT.”

Craig : [Laughter]

Chris : It was like, “Oh, we’re having one of those calls.”

Craig : “Let me get the nerds in here and they’ll figure it out.”

Chris : Yeah!

Craig : That’s hilarious. Ok, so could you give me the rundown of how you ended up at Reddit?

Chris : Sure. I was in Y Combinator’s first batch, along with Steve Huffman and Alexis Ohanian. I was working at a different startup and we were doing desktop search. This was at a time before desktop search was a thing. What kind of killed us that summer was Apple coming out with Spotlight, then Google Desktop came out so we had a hard problem with so many players in the field.

At the end of that summer, my cofounder decided to go to grad school. This was the first YC batch so it was totally different. It was sort of a three month trial to build a product and see what happens. We were at the first demo day, which was actually kind of fun. Something like 20 people showed up.

Craig : Wow. So how did you connect with Steve and Alexis?

Chris : By the end of the summer I had two free bedrooms in my apartment. I was good friends with both of them at that point. I think they originally planned to move back to Virginia but I believe Paul Graham talked them out of it. So they had basically given up on their flat and now needed a place to stay. My cofounder from YC, Zak Stone, was like, “Want to stay with Chris?”. And they were like, “Okay, great.”

Craig : And at what point did you start working on Reddit?

Chris : I want to say like three months later. I was in grad school at the time and I had much more grown-up hours, where I would wake up at 7 or 8 in the morning, go to work, and come back then work on projects at night. Steve and Alexis would sleep in then work until like 4 in the morning.

Because I was up early I’d check Reddit and when it was down I’d knock on Steve’s door and be like, “Hey, site’s down.” After the third time that happened, he just showed me how to log in and start it back up.

Craig : That’s great.

Chris : So I guess my first job at Reddit was in ops. But yeah, at that point it was still Steve writing code and Alexis doing everything else. We were friends and he asked me if I wanted to join, and I did. That was probably six months after Reddit started.

Craig : You were still in grad school studying physics, right?

Chris : Yeah. That’s when I was in my fifth year of grad school.

Craig : And did you have to pause everything to make that happen?

Chris : No. So I’d go to lab and work from 8 to 6 then come home, eat dinner, and join them in the living room to hack for a while. The nice thing is, I was given work that was sort of independent of what everyone else was working on so I wasn’t a blocker.

I think the first thing I worked on was traffic monitoring. This was at a time before Google Analytics. It was like processing access logs and generating summaries and trying to figure out how to do this at scale. I must have rebuilt that damn thing eight times in the first four years.

The thing about that time was we were all learning how to program web apps while we were building them and there wasn’t really a standard operating procedure or anything.

Craig : So you were essentially working part-time?

Chris : Part-time in startup hours but it was like a full-time job. I would normally work from 6 to 2. Then go to sleep, get back up, and do it again.

You know, your 20s are a magical period of time. I could get by on four or five hours of sleep without any major side effects. Basically it was like that for all of 2006. It was like two full-time jobs. The kicker is I somehow managed to meet my wife during that period.

Craig : That’s amazing. So what happens next?

Chris : Well, the four of us – Steve, Alexis, me, and Aaron Swartz – worked on it until the acquisition, which was around Halloween 2006. And it all happened really fast. We were a 15-month-old startup.

I remember the next night I was making pizza with my girlfriend, now wife, and I called Steve and was like, “Hey, we’re making pizza, Do you want to come over?” And he was like, “I am in California.”

Craig : Whoa.

Chris : Yeah. So I was like, “Oh, well, okay then.”

Craig : [Laughter] And so how long did it take before you moved to California?

Chris : I looked for apartments in January and we moved out early February. Part of the agreement with Condé Nast was that — I think it actually said this in the contract — “Chris gets to finish his PhD.”

So I got to the point where I could leave Cambridge and write my thesis remotely. It was kind of a fun transition, going from a full-time job as a researcher and a second full-time job in a startup to a full-time job at an acquired company where I could spend my nights writing a thesis.

Craig : So let’s step back a little bit. Did you think that you would be interested in working with the Reddit guys when they moved into your apartment? Or were you just buddies?

Chris : Probably a little bit of both. At the time it was just because they were buddies and they needed a place. I had no particular plans at all. I was coming off of the failure of my first startup. We were trying to solve this problem of basically like, “I can’t find anything on my hard drive. I have all these areas I can’t search!” What happened practically is that the problem doesn’t come up any more because there is almost nothing on my hard drive that doesn’t exist in some state online.

Craig : Yeah, exactly. So what about Steve and Alexis compelled you to want to work with them?

Chris : At the time it was actually interesting just to be working as a web dev to be honest. Getting into the web scene was kind of a neat thing. I also liked Reddit.

Here’s a funny story. That summer everyone in the first YC batch was a beta tester for Reddit. This was before comments existed, so it was just a bunch of links.

Eventually it kind of opened up and we got a few people Steve didn’t know personally. But for like four months most of the content on the front page was from one of the alt accounts Steve and Alexis had. They were basically populating it as a way to make it seem like there were more people there. Because nobody wants to walk into an empty room. Right?

Craig : Right.

Chris : So my username on Reddit is KeyserSosa, which is a misspelling of Keyser Söze, which is the Usual Suspects villain.

I remember a day, probably in November, when Steve took a day off. He came back a couple hours later and there was new content on the front page and he hadn’t done anything. It was like this moment of like, “Oh, my God! It’s walking!”

Craig : [Laughter]

Chris : And he’s like, “Great! There are actually people on the site who I don’t know and they are posting all the time. There’s this one guy, KeyserSosa, who’s super active!”

They we’re like, “KeyserSosa? Who is KeyserSosa?”

And I’m like, “Oh, hi guys.”

Craig : [Laughter] That’s so good.

Chris : Anyhow. I achieved my peak on Reddit probably in the first year, in terms of being one of the top posters. And then you know, it was all downhill from there.

Craig : Yeah. I was wondering what your relationship with Reddit is now. Not the company, but the community.

Chris : I’ve definitely become much more of a lurker. My use was definitely a side effect of working on it. When I was originally here for the first five years, at the time there was never more than four or five of us working on the site.

Craig : Oh, wow.

Chris : We were kind of professionally understaffed. At least at that point we were really understaffed and always growing at a really phenomenal rate–like doubling every six months. So we were kind of wearing a lot of hats as engineers. We were engineers, and also the community team, and also infrastructure.

I am an introvert who has become an extrovert via the Internet, or something like that. I feel like lots of talking and thinking in that vein is much more draining than sitting and doing engineering work. That definitely contributed to me leaving.

Craig : Yeah, that makes sense.

Chris : So when I left the first thing I did was go on a six-month Reddit detox. Essentially I was like, “Alright. I just can’t look.” And I didn’t look at it.

The thing is, it was and still is like my baby. And I can say that, I have kids now.

When one thing goes wrong, I take it personally. In 2010 I was basically in charge, so everything was either my fault or something I had to deal with. I think the only way to not feel completely attached to all the things that were happening, or whatever mistakes were being made, or whatever drama was happening, was to step away for a little while. You kinda have to do it.

Craig : So how did your relationship with the founders and the early team change over time?

Chris : I don’t think very much, actually. The team was always small so we were and still are a group of friends. I think there’s no other option than to be like comrades in arms in that case. At the very worst, we were the 300 holding back the hordes.

I think because we got acquired so early we had to really justify our budget and keep the team small. We couldn’t get an infusion of cash to grow because we were already bought and so it sort of stunted growth initially. Another side effect is that the look of the site has kind of been the same for a very long time. There’s a whole bunch we have to kind of rebuild.

The flip side of that is that we got really nimble and good at a bunch of things. But we’re now up to I think 120 people. And we’re independent again.

Craig : So now do you have startup-like growth goals?

Chris : We’re kind of acting like a three-year-old startup with ten years of legacy and some good standard operating procedures, which is nice.

Craig : When you look back and consider the early days, how do you feel about Reddit?

Chris : It’s overall positive. It’s been a lot of fun. I mean, it’s been a lot of stress, but it’s also been a lot of fun. Since I’m back now, it’s almost like it’s not so much a part of my career as it’s become my career. Maybe “vocation” is a better word. I still take a lot of the stuff really personally even though I’ve only been back for about six months.

Our fingerprints are everywhere. I think it is fair to say that the snarky tone that still pervades Reddit is an outcropping of Steve. That’s his personality and he kind of imprints it on the community. I think in the same way a company’s tone and culture is a reflection of the founders, so to is the community it creates.

Craig : You’ve been around so many startups. Do you ever have thoughts of doing your own thing again?

Chris : I am very content to be first employee in all things. I’m close enough to be able to hear about the fundraising, and the acquisitioning, and the business side of things. But I do not get invited to any of those meetings, which is just wonderful as far as I’m concerned. Right now, my job here is as an engineering manager. I have a team of like six and honestly, that is a good size for me. I would rather be an engineer who is a manager, rather than a managing engineer, or an office manager, or C-something. I actually enjoy doing the work.

Craig : Right on. Are there any signs that you would advise someone to look for if they are considering being a first employee?

Chris : I would say the first three to six months is gonna be a slog. It’s gonna be a tough slog. That said, startups have culturally matured in the last ten years and it’s been fun to watch. When the first batch started at YC, there was all this talk like, “Oh, yeah, you should work 16 hours and day and not feel bad.”

What’s really great to see is that all those people who were working 16 hours have now grown into their thirties and realized that, “Oh, sleep is really cool.”

Craig : [Laughter]

Chris : And, “You should probably date.” And, “Do you know what is also awesome? Kids. And do you know what kids don’t let you do? Work.” So there’s been this kind of progression from just working all the time to still working hard while also having a life.

Because there are only a few people around in the beginning you have to be willing to switch hats really quickly. Especially for the startups, traffic is irregular, and you’re not up-scaled, and you have to kinda deal with that stuff live.

You’ll also have a responsibility to set the tone for the company. The same holds true with the founders.

Craig : What about the founders? Do you think there any traits successful founders share?

Chris : It sounds trite but determination. Ideas are important. Luck is important. But follow-through is really important. This is sort of separate from the founders but there’s also timing.

After we started, everyone compared us to Digg for five years before Digg had its problems. But we didn’t even know about Digg when we started.

We were a dime a dozen for a while. It was actually funny. There was us and a bunch of Digg clones, which was amusing.

Craig : Right on. Let’s stop there. Any last words of wisdom?

Chris : The internet has a long memory!

[thetalentedkurthummel]

The people on Reddit have spoken again and Kurt Hummel - fashion designer, Broadway star and father, has agreed to a second Q&A on Reddit, these are the questions he has answered.

PART 1: THE BASICS

What is your full name?

Kurt Justin Hummel and make sure not to wear it out. Actually do wear it out and make sure to let someone know they can buy some of my clothing.

Where and when were you born?

I was born and bread in Lima, Ohio. Some may consider that a curse but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having to deal with the people of Ohio. I also met my husband in Ohio.

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)

My mother was called Elizabeth Hummel and from what I remember she was a bright and intelligent woman with a heart of gold - she didn’t work as she wanted to raise me instead. She died when I was eight years old of cancer.

My father was Burt Hummel and for most of his life he was a car mechanic and he raised me after my mother died. He then went into politics and became a a congressman. He got prostate cancer while I was in college, but recovered, but it was the heart that got him in the end as he had too much love to give. He sadly passed away from his second heart attack a few years ago.

I also have a step mother called Carole who is another lovely woman who I sadly haven't been able to contact much due to the pressures of life in New York. She is a fantastic strong woman and I love her for giving me a step brother and for making my father happy.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

I don’t have any biological siblings, but I do have one step brother. He was in the US Army for a time until some stuff happened and he got injured and is now on the road to recovery.

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.

I live in New York with my husband. I am not going to go into details, but Blaine is a great husband and takes care of me well. The place we live in is everything I ever dreamt of.

What is your occupation?

I am a fashion designer mainly for men, but also sometimes make outfits for women. I really like women in suits and so that is the style I go for.

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.

Uh i’m not going to go too into detail, but I have blue eyes, am white, got a tattoo on my back from when I had too much alcohol with a friend one time. It had a mispelling but it has since been fixed. The tattoo says “It's got Bette Midler“.

I have a scar on my neck from when I needed an operation to remove an infected lymph gland but can hardly see it.

To which social class do you belong?

I guess with how things have gone in my life I am middle upper class? Back when at school I was in a working class family, but my dad brought in enough money to send me to private school for a time when I was being bullied.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Does hayfever count? I’m also allergic to homophobic people.

Are you right- or left-handed?

I am right handed.

What does your voice sound like?

Meryl Streep.

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?

“Oh my god“ and “what of earth is she wearing?“

What do you have in your pockets?

Gum, a baby monitor and some loose change.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

How long have you got?

PART 2: GROWING UP

How would you describe your childhood in general?

Mixed emotions to be honest. Before the age of 7/8 I guess you could call me a happy child, but then my mom died and I became a bit reclusive and more reserved. Then going into my teens I was having an identity crisis and needed to stand up for myself more so then became a bit more vocal.

What is your earliest memory?

So I had a fake tea set when I was younger and I remember playing that with my mother and she was in a lovely floral dress and she was smiling.

How much schooling have you had?

I’ve done everything except get a masters and PHD.

Did you enjoy school?

It was an experience. Certain aspects of school I enjoyed, but for the most part it is something I don’t wish to repeat.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

To be honest most of my skills i’ve had to learn on my own. I mean my father isn’t exactly the creative type when it comes to fashion and he isn’t a singer. So i’ve learnt from other people. My singing and theatrical abilities are mainly from when I was at NYADA.

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.

Oh there were so many. I loved Alexander McQueen and everything he created. Honestly just all the male fashion designers that appeared in Vogue Magazine. Then there were the singers such as Barbra Streisand and Patti Le Pone. I could be here all day if you wanted me to talk about Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Well I only have fractured memories of my mother and so the only other support system I had was my father. We got on the best we could and he became my biggest ally, even when I was scared to come out to him.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I’ve always wanted to be someone fabulous and who stood out and not be lost in the audience. So even as a fashion designer I make my clothing pop out, so that whoever is wearing it stands out as well.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?

Singing, dancing, pretending to be British. Wearing my mother’s scarfs.

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

I’ve talked over this with my father and apparently I was a sweet and quiet child, but who sometimes had a flare for dramatics - which honestly doesn’t surprise me.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

Oh no I was not popular at all and even leaving high school I wasn’t really popular. It was only because our Glee Club were winning competitions that I got noticed more, but that made me more of a target too. I mean I was the gay/bi teenager, who liked musicals, who sang, whose voice hadn’t broken so he sounded like a girl and who liked wearing women’s clothing from time to time.

My friends were mostly those who were also in the same Glee club, i’m still friends with some of them today.

When and with whom was your first kiss?

I don’t like to talk about that to be honest. I’ve forgiven that person now, but it was a kiss that wasn’t consensual and was at a time he was bullying me. Also a reason I went to private school for a period.

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

No i’m not a virgin and I lost my virginity to my husband when I was around 17, possibly 18. I need to double check that.

If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.

PART 3: PAST INFLUENCES

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

There are two events. Getting married to Blaine and having my daughter.

Who has had the most influence on you?

I would say my father - he has given me a lot of wise words which I still live by to this day. I am also going to pass on those wise words to my daughter when she is old enough to understand.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

To get married and have a child before I am thirty. That is what I wanted when at high school other than to be famous on Broadway.

What is your greatest regret?

Life is too short to think about regrets. I have a few but it’s something I don’t wish to think about.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

I honestly can’t think of anything evil I have done.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Nope, not even a speeding ticket.

When was the time you were the most frightened?

I think it was when I saw someone get beaten up in a New York alley for being gay. I went to defend them but then they turned on me and I was the one who ended up in hospital instead. That was a very scary moment.

There are other moments with my father, but it’s something I don’t wish to share.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?

There are some fashion choices when in Glee Club at McKinley High that were very questionable.

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

I would not have my mother die because it would mean I could spend more time with her.

What is your best memory?

Singing on stage at Gershwin Theatre when me and my friend may have broken in and did a duet. Nothing was stolen by the way.

What is your worst memory?

High school slushies.

PART 4: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

I would say i’m a bit of both? I have doubts in various things such as the way I raise my daughter, or how my work is doing. Yet I also am optimistic for the future and the way my life is progressing.

What is your greatest fear?

My daughter dying before me.

What are your religious views?

I am athiest. I will respect your religion but please don’t push it on me. I have been to church but only out of friendship with others or going to a wedding etc. No prayers come out of my mouth.

What are your political views?

It depends what is going on but I am either Democrat or Independent.

What are your views on sex?

I’d like some more in my life please. No but seriously, as long as you are of age and having a healthy sex life (and use protection), then I see no issue.

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?

If my life or others depended on it then I might be able to kill, but we’re talking about if there was a war going on or end of the world type scenario here.

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Molest a child. There is no excuse for that.

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?

I believe that when you find someone they may be your true love or soulmate, however you can’t just let life write the story of what will happen. You still need to work hard to make the relationship healthy between the two of you.

Also don’t wait for someone to find you, go out there and have fun.

What do you believe makes a successful life?

Being happy in who you are. Being successful doens’t mean you need to be rich, it just means you are happy in the way things are going. If you feel content with what you have done or what you have got, then that is all that matters.

Some people love money, other people are just happy sitting in a nice garden that they’ve worked on to get it that nice.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?

It depends on who I am with. Sometimes I open up to anyone and everyone - while other times I only speak to my daughter about my feelings and she can’t even understand a word i’m saying.

Mainly I am a private person and the clothes I wear show how i’m feeling. The more layers I wear, the more insecure I feel.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

My daughter is the prettiest.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

I refuse to work with anyone who is prejudiced against those in the LGBT+ community and won’t have a discussion with me about why that is. I work with charities that try to help those in need who are gay, bi, trans etc and i’d feel like a hypocrite otherwise.

I also don’t donate money to any charities that are against equal rights.

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)?

I would do anything for my friends and family if they asked me to...depending what it is. I mean i’m not going to go to jail for killing someone that they asked me to kill, you know.

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

It depends on that person and how they are treating me at the time. If they are a fan I keep my distance a bit because you never know what they could be like - but will take a photograph with them. Though if I have my daughter I would prefer to just say hi and then leave because her safety comes first.

I try to be friendly to those who meet me, sometimes keep my distance and have my guard up unless they are friends or family.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

My daughter because she is my everything.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

I respect anyone who has to battle through things to get to where they are now. Whether that is with their mental health, their career or just other obsticles.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

I have a lot of friends, but the people I care for most are my brother Finn, Blaine, Rachel and Mercedes. Most of which you would have heard about i’m sure so there is no need to describe them.

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.

I am married to the ever so charming Blaine Anderson and he is currenlty on Broadway. He is the person who I confide in when things get tough and will see the positive in everything.

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.

I married him.

What do you look for in a potential lover?

I look for my husband when I go to bed.

How close are you to your family?

Both my parents have passed on now and there’s only my extended family who i’ve not seen really since the funeral. I talk to Blaine’s side of the family occasionally and I really need to talk more with my step mother and step brother.

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

Serena is under a year old and keeps us up at night when she doesn’t get her way. Other than that she’s a charming little girl.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

My husband or two of my best friends who live nearby most of the time. There are others but it depends on the situation.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

I trust a lot of people who i’ve mentioned above.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

Hopefully a lot of people, but I don’t want that to happen for a very long time.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

Donald Trump and Mike Pence. I don’t need a reason other than for you to check their Twitter history.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

I have argued with people in the past, but as i’ve grown older and wiser I tend to avoid conflict unless it is to protect someone.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Well somebody has to do it, though I back off if Rachel is in the room because then she is in charge.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

I’m a parent and need my sleep, but it depends on the group of people. I prefer a small gathering to be honest.

Do you care what others think of you?

Yes because i’m in fashion and I need to listen to the constructive criticism of my work. Then I can make it better.

PART 6: LIKES & DISLIKES

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

I love to sing as it helps me not worry about what could be going on in my life. Shopping on the internet and then reading Vogue magazine.

What is your most treasured possession?

The perfume my mother wore when she was a child. I also have her dresser which she had, but that is back home with Carole. It was given to me in my father’s will though. So when I have a chance I need to ship it over here and figure out where to put it. It still smells like her.

What is your favorite color?

I love the color blue.

What is your favorite food?

Cheesecake is my downfall.

What, if anything, do you like to read?

There are the Harry Potter books from my childhood of course, but i’ve not been able to read anything recently due to lack of time.

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)?

Everyone has different views, but to me as long as it is legal and that person enjoys it - then that is entertainment or at least a hobby. For me I love theatre and when there is a chance either go see my husband perform or go see another Broadway show.

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?

I have never smoked or taken drugs. I do drink from time to time though and partial to red wine, champagne or gin and tonic.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

I’m a parent to a child under one so you can only guess.

What makes you laugh?

My husband being a goofball.

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Those who are ignorant about the world, especially when it comes to homophobia, biphobia, transphobia or anything else which affects the LGBT+ community.

Also Donald Trump.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

I already have insomnia and so either hang out with my daughter who could be awake, watch my husband sleep or go and create a design in my office I have at home.

How do you deal with stress?

I have mild to moderate OCD and so cleaning is a great stress reliever. Also stress baking is good for the soul.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

I am very much a planner, but I do like to be spontaneous every now and then. Blaine and I learned early on that relationships need spontaneity every now and then and not to get sucked too much into a routine.

I mean we decided to do a joint wedding with our friends with a notice of only an hour or two.

What are your pet peeves?

If you read this interview all the way through i’m sure you will figure that out.

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

I used to have a good routine, but when you have a child you need to get used to your routine being disrupted all the time, especially at night. I do try to work out in the morning though.

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Being comfortable in who I am.

What is your greatest weakness?

Alexander McQueen, Blaine and cheesecake.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Nothing.

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

I would say I am extroverted. I have calmed down a bit now but I am one of those gay men who are out and proud and can be a little annoying when it comes to certain things. When I say annoying I usually mean those who are cis straight people who can’t handle anything rainbow. I have overcome many things and I feel you need to express it loud and clear when you know you’re ok to do so. Like I can do it in New York but of course I would not do it in the middle of Texas you know.

Are you generally organized or messy?

I would say i’m a little bit of both, because while I love to be organised in what I do or even plan to do, certain things require a little bit of mess. When creating an outfit you need to allow some mess or even when having a child around the place you need to understand there will be some mess in your life that you won’t get a chance to clean up properly.

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Good at: Creating ideas, standing up to people, fashion

Bad at: Staying in touch, not being anxious over my daughter, going to bed early

Do you like yourself?

I like 90% of myself and compare that to say 10+ years ago where I didn’t like say 60% of myself because of bullying and trying to figure out where I stood in life. I mean I had moderate to severe depression and did go into some dark places, but i’ve now come through the other side. The only things I don’t like about myself now are things which are minor such as how judgemental I can be or not seeing enough of friends or family. Those can be fixed given time.

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Honestly I think i’ve achieved most of the goals I ever thought were possible. Now it’s to make sure my company thrives and I help my child live to their potential in whatever they may want to do to be.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I see my fashion company growing, maybe i’ve tried another acting role in Broadway and I would really love another child - but that is up to Blaine and whoever would be our surrogate.

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Surrounded by the people who I love.

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Spend time with those I love dearly, have amazing sex, plan my outfit for what I would wear in the last moments of my life so I would look amazing.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

Being a fashion icon - hopefully up there with the likes of McQeen and Versace.

What three words best describe your personality?

Creative, determined and theatrical.

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Brave, ambitious, Slytherclaw.

If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…)

[kiyote23]

One Person’s Broken Is Another Person’s Perfect (Classic Flashback)

This post originally appeared on dorkfam.net on July 1, 2016.

“Are we ever going to play The Division again?” OtherMark asked.

“I dunno,” OtherOtherMark replied, “Is The Division going to not suck anymore?”

I winced, partly at the reply, and partly because I was repeatedly falling to my death in the Vault of Glass jumping puzzle. Four months ago, OtherOtherMark was really excited about The Division. Destiny was looking long in the tooth. Our raid group completed King’s Fall. This was the end game content that we’d been working on together for a couple of months, since early December. And with the end game content mostly completed, the group started to drift apart as players started playing other games. Destiny was no longer holding their interest.

Destiny was the first modern online multiplayer game I had played where I became really involved in a group. In Destiny, you can group up into a fireteam of up to six people, and to do the raid, you’ll need six, so the first step was finding a group of people who could play together. It started with friends, and then friends of friends, and pretty soon we had a group of six who played at the same time and played well together. And so we did strikes, and played in the Crucible together. And it got to be a thing, you’d look to see who was online, and you knew you would be playing with them, often until late into the night. It became this wonderful social aspect to an already almost sublime gaming experience. I finally started to understand why this was all my friends were talking about last year.

But that social aspect was diminishing, and it looked like we were going to move to The Division. And that didn’t quite happen. Not every one in the group made the jump, and The Division didn’t have the end game that we needed, or wanted. It didn’t have much of an end game at all. Certainly not the raid that we worked towards as a group.

I spent most of March leveling up in The Division. I completed the story, and then there wasn’t much to do but to grind out better gear in the Dark Zone. The Dark Zone is an a special area within The Division. The Division is a beautiful open world design, where players move freely through a detailed recreation of midtown Manhattan. You complete missions and encounters on this map to get better gear and to advance your character. But in the middle of this map lurks a large section that is walled off, and can only be entered through select portals. This is the Dark Zone, and within the Dark Zone, The Division becomes a significantly different game.

In the regular game world, the player runs into randomly generated groups of bad guys to fight, but also civilians to help, and most significantly, no other players, except for those that you invite into your game session. You could play the entire main game solo if you wanted to, though you will see and run into other players within the safe areas where you restock armor and sell your loot. But once you leave the safe areas, the streets are yours and yours alone.

In the Dark Zone, you run into other players, players who are ostensibly agents of The Division, like yourself. But the Dark Zone is a place of no rules, and so not only can you see the other players, but you can shoot them. The Dark Zone was The Division’s unique take on PvP, and it could have been very interesting, creating a unique gaming environment.

I didn’t find The Dark Zone to be much fun. I don’t mind PvP, and while I like to keep my PvE and my PvP separate, I can play in a mix. I used to love to play on PvP servers in Warcraft, even though I almost exclusively played PvE. I wouldn’t even duel with people. I tried it once, found it tedious, and moved on. In Warcraft, you knew when you were in a PvP situation. It wasn’t ambiguous. But The Dark Zone was a big mess of ambiguity. A player who was helping you could turn and stab you in the back at any moment. A guy who ganked you earlier could help you out. You couldn’t trust anybody, and basically came down to people taking advantage of weaker players. Maybe if they had disabled level advantages, it might have been better.

I saw a lot of people defending the Dark Zone on Reddit, and I spent a lot of time wondering why they liked it so much. I think they wanted PvP. Some people really enjoy PvP, the challenge of playing against other actually human players instead of the somewhat limited and predictable AI. And that’s fine. I’ve been playing death matches online since Quake. I play Crucible in Destiny, though it’s not my favorite. I think that if you enjoyed The Dark Zone in The Division, it was because you decided that you were going to go rouge. You either went in with a fire team with the intent to go rouge, or you were a solo rouge. Then the ambiguity is gone. Or you play with the notion that everyone you see is a rouge, and stay away from them. And it did make it spooky, because other, so-called friendly agents wouldn’t be tracked on your HUD, so suddenly you’d see a group of gunmen appear out of nowhere.

The problem was that you couldn’t preemptively defend yourself, without going rouge yourself. It was like a game of chicken—you didn’t want to be the first one to shoot. If you went rouge, then not only could they kill you without getting marked for it, but they’d get bonus experience for it. So, if you’re going to play with the mentality that everyone in the Dark Zone is a rouge, then the only way to play it effectively to plan on going rouge yourself.

Which is why I think it’s flawed design on the developer’s part. The idea was to create this sense of ambiguity, this idea that these agents that are supposed to be on your side have flipped to the other side, and you don’t know who is who. But with no real consequences for flipping, in fact, there are actual bonuses and better gear for flipping, then the ambiguity is gone. Everyone is out to get you, because it’s really just a free-for-all.

Here’s how I would fix it: once you go rouge, you’re cut off from The Division, and you have to find the opposition, and make contact with them, and build rank with them, probably through ganking Division agents in the Dark Zone. Eventually, you get enough trust with the opposition that they send you back to The Division to become a double agent, except The Division doesn’t trust you right away, so you have to rebuild some rank with them, probably through not ganking Division agents in the Dark Zone while killing rouges. Then you’d have to make a choice at some point, who to betray, the opposition or The Division. Man, now I want to play that game.

The problem was that there was nothing else to do. I had spent most of March in The Division‘s rendition of Manhattan, taking out looters and rioters and guys with flame throwers and mercenaries. Block by block, I took out bad guys to defend civilians. It was made pretty clear who was bad and who wasn’t, at least to me. The civilians were always a little jumpy around me, skittish if I got too aggressive, a nice touch since I don’t think I could hurt any of them if I tried. I could shoot the tires on parked cars (which I’ll admit, I did a lot) or stray dogs (I never did, and it bothered me when my teammates would), but I couldn’t shoot any of the bystanders.

It was a game without an endgame. You could grind gear in The Dark Zone, but since outside The Dark Zone I was already like a god, basically unstoppable, why bother? There was no reason to play a mode that I didn’t find fun, and that was all there was to do.

What is the end game? Most video games have a story, or at least try to, though in Destiny‘s case, it was sort of loosely stringing missions together with some sort of tangent. It really didn’t matter, because the missions were engaging and fun.

So, the end game is what you do when you want to keep playing the game, but you’ve completed the story. For a multiplayer game like Destiny or The Division, that usually means PvP or a raid. The problem with The Division was that the PvP was more frustrating than fun, and there was no raid.

They did add The Incursion, which was supposed to be the first end game option, but I never played it. From what I heard, it was wave after wave of bullet-sponge bosses, and you needed serious gear to run it. In fact, a whole new tier of gear was rolled out just for The Incursion. To help you grind gear outside the dark zone, a new set of daily and weekly missions were available, but again, it seemed like a lot of work to grind gear for a mission that just didn’t seem fun, which was disappointing because the main story had been fun, and the missions were different and varied.

What Destiny did was a brilliant. Players left because there was only two options for end game, PvP and the raid. The raid was difficult to set up because you needed six players who knew what they were doing, because it was complicated. And you only had a week to complete it, and that’s assuming that you started on Tuesday, which most people didn’t. There were checkpoints through the raid, and if you made it to a check point, you could start there the next day. And when you were learning the raid, you’d need the checkpoints. And really, you could say that part of the end game in Destiny, once you completed the story missions, was getting gear good enough to go on the raid, something that took a little grinding to do. Also, players left because they had completed the raid, and it wasn’t holding their interest anymore.

So, Bungie raised the light limit, to give players something to work towards, and then opened up new paths to get the light limit. Now, in addition to PvP and the raid, you could do the revamped Prison of Elders/Challenge of Elders, which was sort of like PvE Crucible. You could also get higher level gear from the faction vendors, and they made it easier to grind faction rep. So now, just running the daily missions became a way to get better gear and raise your light level.

What happens when you hit the light limit? I don’t know, probably drift into another game for a while. The next update will be in September, and there will be new content, and the light limit will be raised again. There will be a new raid. That will make four raids. I’ve only completed one.

The Division is still on my hard drive, and I’ve been updating it, though I haven’t actually played it in a long time. Things could have changed. The conditions that I’m writing about were in late March, early April. I had a lot of fun playing the story of The Division, and the mechanics and gameplay were pretty solid. It was disappointing that the game didn’t scale well. Once we got to a high enough level, the bad guys just seemed to become bullet-sponges, and the difficulty was upped by sending them at us in overwhelming waves. I think part of what propelled me through The Division through most of March was the uncovering the map, learning the game and how to play it effectively, and grinding out better gear. There’s a whole world of crafting and improving gear that I was just starting to get into before I hit the why bother point. I’m keeping it because there might come a time when I want to get back into it, a point where they’ve fixed things and made changes to end game, or created more story to work through.

I’m still grinding through Destiny, daily. Destiny‘s April update came right when I was losing interest in The Division. At its core, Destiny is a lot of fun. The first thing I did when I dropped back into Destiny after being in The Division for so long was jump. When you jump in Destiny, you can soar. You can float all around the map. In The Division, you’re stuck on the ground. But more than that, the basic mechanics of Destiny are smoother and sweeter. It’s more fun to pull the trigger in Destiny, more fun per round fired. It doesn’t matter than I’m ranging over the same maps that I’ve ranged over a hundred times before, it’s just fun to be there.

Last night we were playing Iron Banner with DMot, who wasn’t part of our core raid group, but had filled in a couple of times when we needed a sixth. He admitted that he hadn’t been playing Destiny for a while, but had been playing The Division. It was fun, he said, “But I always knew I’d come back to Destiny. You can always come back to Destiny.”

And we did. We all came back.

from dorkFarm http://ift.tt/2GkBbt1 via IFTTT

[jessi-31days-blog]

Day 5, Thursday, October 5th

I wake up at 7:45 am and check my phone.

My mom texted me saying that the coffee maker died. A true tragedy for someone like me, who has been drinking coffee every morning for about 10 years. But then as I was chatting with my friends on skype, one lovely friend told me how to make coffee without a maker. She's a life saver, especially since today is orientation day for school and I can not go without caffeine today.

Yoga class - "Yoga for Inner Acceptance" - 34 mins:

So first thing I noticed is this video is longer than the first few from this DoYogaWithMe program. But I remembered my commitment to this, so I did the whole thing. First the instructor went through various poses, some that stretched and worked out my leg and arm muscles, some that stretched and worked out my spine. That was half of the video. The second half I was to lay down on my mat and do the mediation as guided by the instructor for the rest of the time. It was hard for me to focus. But I was guided to move my attention to the sensations of each part of my body, from feet to my head. I tried to let go of wanting things to change, I tried to turn off my mind, and I tried to imagine myself releasing negativity. I wasn't very successful, but at least I was successful during the first half of the yoga class.

Guided meditation - "Awaken the Brain" - 17 mins:

Honesty time. I failed today. I couldn't do a simple 17 minute guided meditation. I feel like shit, but I'm starting over tomorrow; its a new day, right? Just gotta keep going. No guarantees, but maybe I'll do both meditations tomorrow.... maybe....

Read a Proverb - Proverbs 5:

I picked up on something in verses 3 through 6 almost immediately. The verses say this: "For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. For she cares nothing about the path to life. She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it." The first thing to come to mind was that the immoral woman spoken of in this chapter is an allegory for taking the easy way out. What I mean by "taking the easy way out" is kind of hard for me to explain. Because taking the easy way out means a lot of different things to different people. But the way I used to take the easy way out was by just doing nothing with my life, drinking when the pain got too bad, soaking in depression and negative thoughts with minimal to no effort to actually try to relieve my depression in a healthy and plausible manner. And like the "immoral woman" whose lips are as sweet as honey and smoother than oil, these things appealed to me. Drinking, wallowing, and giving up on life; all these things appealed to me. Because they are so easy to do. But again, like the "immoral woman", who is in the end as bitter as poison and as dangerous as a double-edged sword, me taking the easy way out was dangerous. I could have become an alcoholic and ruined my organs. My mental and physical health would have gotten worse and worse with being sedentary, a lack of exercise and rarely seeing the sunlight. I may have eventually just killed myself due to not being able to handle the pain anymore. This was a really poisonous lifestyle of mine, one that I'm fighting my hardest to sever myself from, so that my steps don't lead "straight to the grave".

Blog post - OneShrinksPerspective.com - "6 Strategies for Letting Go of Regret and Forgiving Yourself for the Mistakes You’ve Made":

I sought out this kind of blog article this time, instead of picking a random article from the previous blog sites I've read from. I google searched something along the lines of "letting go of regret" and found this. The whole article was really meaningful to me, and I'm gonna reread it a few times now and again to fully get this concept into my head, but here's what I got out of it today.

The first point the writer made was very helpful and eye opening to me. She basically stated that "no one can fully and accurately know the outcome of their decisions until after the fact. We make our decisions based on the information we have at the time". I have often told myself, when thinking about the devastating mistakes I've made, that I should have known better. But could I have known better? Looking back with hindsight I know what not to do ever again, but perhaps I really didn't understand the magnitude of consequences that my mistakes and poor choices would earn me. If I really had known better, if I could just go back, I probably would not have done some of the things that caused me to lose everything. At the very least, I now how the lessons. But my god, they are some of the most painful lessons.

Another point the writer made that stood out to me was the idea that life is a research project, and the knowledge we gain comes from experience and awareness. One of my favorite quotes is that of C.S. Lewis, who said “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” I feel this quote deeply, and have loved it for many years. Even just picking apart this quote, I can tell you why I love it. The first word of the quote that I appreciate is "brutal". The word has 3 definitions (as far as google told me), but this one seems most fitting for the word brutal in this context: "punishingly hard or uncomfortable." I can think of many mistakes and poor choices that I've made, and my experience of the consequences of them were like punishment for a crime, my punishment being loss and deep seated depression and regret. The second part of this quote that I love is "my God do you learn", because it adds emphasis to his thought and conveys to me that Lewis has, too, made mistakes that he, through deep pain and regret, has had to learn from. I'd say my version of this quote would be "Experience is a hardcore motherfucker that will teach you your lessons by means of violent force."

The final point the writer makes that I will briefly touch on is that not only do we learn from our mistakes, but others learn from our mistakes as well. So let me give you some quick bites of a few lessons I've learned from my mistakes:

Don't manipulate people, because no one will tolerate you if you do. 

Save your money, and if you are limited financially, don't spend money in things that won't matter to you in a week. 

If you have severe depression, DO NOT CUT YOURSELF, but if you do, don't use anything too sharp, because those scars will never go away and you have your mental illness on your arms for anyone to see for the rest of your life, and you don't want people to learn your story that way, TRUST ME.

Do NOT take any privilege you have for granted, because doing so will fuck you so hard it'll feel like rape. Yes, that's a very crude way for me to put that point, but I did so for emphasis. Be aware of your privilege and what it gives you, and be thankful, but do not ever think you earned it or that you even really deserve it, because this attitude will eventually lead to your downfall, I promise.

If you mistreat someone, they will leave you, whether you intended to mistreat them or not.

That's about all I'm gonna share about this for today. Onto the next thing.

Encouraging someone on Reddit - r/suicidewatch:

Okay, first of all, this subreddit makes me cry. In a nutshell, it's a place where people who are suicidal can post about their desire to end their lives, their struggles with depression and mental illness, get some last resort help, etc. It is NOT a suicide hotline, and if someone posts there, there is no way to track users locations in the event of real perceived intent to kill themselves. Many people even make "throwaway" accounts, which are accounts people make in case their friends or family know their main reddit accounts and they want to secure anonymity. Kind people, in return, can search by the "new", and pick posts and attempt to help these suicidal people who are reaching out.

I think I'm gonna start doing what I did yesterday, where I describe the post and then copy + paste what I responded, from now on. Just an FYI.

It's hard to come to this subreddit with my "daily goal" of helping a random stranger in mind; much harder than when I'm searching through r/anxiety or even r/depression. Because I really only have the strength in me to help one of them, as much as I'd like to help them all. I'm really only 5 days deep into being fully committed to my efforts of self improvement and trying not to kill myself, so I'm not anywhere close to qualified to be anyone's savior.

The post I found had a title along the lines of asking if anyone else has attempted to receive help after a long time of coming to peace with the idea that they might (or in their words, "will") end up killing themselves. This person writes about how they've lived between fighting the suicidal thoughts and accepting them for about a year. They've gotten to the point where they are ready to write letters to the people they care about and tie up loose ends so there isn't a mess leftover for others to clean up. However, after a year of searching for help, they think they may have found it, even though they still feel like they've "accepted death". So the final question was, "How do you flip a 180 on something that you've been approaching for a year? Maybe I should just let them help someone else... me two months ago."

Okay, now for my response. First of all, as much as I hate these, I have to throw out a trigger warning. And also, my advice/encouragement response is from a very unorthodox viewpoint. Just wanted to get that out there just in case.

Here's what I said:

"It's hard for me to say whether or not I've felt the exact thing you are feeling, but what I know for sure is that I've been to a point where I have felt like suicide was my only viable option. That was actually me, six days ago. What's even worse is that I'm a Christian that believes that so long as I have received Jesus as my Savior and believe in His death and resurrection, nothing will make me lose that salvation; even killing myself. Now I'm not here to preach to you, the reason I mention my faith (and I rarely do that, especially on Reddit), is because I'm painting my mental picture for you, so that hopefully you and I can have some sort of common ground in regards to our attitudes towards suicide. My particular belief (a rare one in the Christian community, but I know I'm not the only one who believes it) makes suicide look like a door out of my mental hell that leads right up to the gates of Heaven, where there is no mental fucking illness that I have to live with every day. So why haven't I done it? Well ever since October 1st, I've given myself a 31 day commitment to a list of self improvement tasks to do every day. All those really popular ones that all the mental health blogs like to mention; you know, exercise, yoga, meditation - the works. And I'm giving up alcohol for 31 days and starting college on Monday. To try and make a long story short, my life has gone downhill since 2015 and I haven't actually done anything other than try various medications in an attempt to beat this monster that my mental illnesses are. I don't know if I'm going to get better, be successful, and most importantly, be happy enough to stay alive. But if I do kill myself, I just want to be able to say I tried my god damn hardest to recover and form a happy life first. My whole life has been spent doing things the easy way. I just want to know that for once in my life I actually made an effort, so that if I fail, my friends and family will know I didn't go out without a fight first. So I don't know how hard you've fought. And I know that you and I in our own individual ways have accepted death, particularly suicide. But you may have found the help you need, so run after that. Pick up a good mental health habit or two. And even if you feel like you have no strength, give it a good two months of pure effort to fight back against your depression. If after two months you only see a little progress, just give it two more months. If you know it in your heart that you've put your best effort into feeling better and being happy, when you do finally see happiness, it will feel so much better than people who are naturally happy or neurotypical, because you earned that happiness. If after a long effort you see absolutely no progress... well with a glance at rule 1b over on the guidelines in the sidebar, I'll just say that whatever you do, a stranger on Reddit will be so proud that you tried your best to make life as good as people who are not us say it is. I hope I didn't cross any lines or make any harsh assumptions, and that my words have in some way helped you. Good luck, and be well."

The exercise that didn't happen:

My second failure of the day, I didn't do my exercise. The only excuse I have is that I felt exhausted all day for no reason and my mood was low enough to get me today. That's clinical depression for you. But I'm not giving up, and I know I'll do my exercise tomorrow.

End of Day Notes: So out of my 6 daily goal tasks, I accomplish 4 of them only today. Which, if I were to force optimism, is better 3, 2, or 1 task done, or none of them done at all. I also made it 4 days without failure, so that's pretty cool I guess. Hopefully this will be the only day I don't complete all the tasks. I don’t know why I was so fatigued today when all I did was go to a 45 minute orientation for school, but whatever, it happens. I'm not giving up, I'm not really all that discouraged (I'll be okay), and I'm just gonna resume my efforts tomorrow and try not to beat myself up over this. Side Note: If you’re wondering why some things got done and others didn’t- I write my blog in the same order every day, but I don’t necessarily do my tasks in the same order every day. Actually, I’ve been doing them in different orders every day (except for starting my day with yoga), and so the things left over for me to do today were the guided meditation and exercise.