#dont read this too long personal SHITTO

[mukhannath]

Ok i really love your voice. I've heard you mention you don't like it tho? If you dont mind me asking, why so? (Its very androgynous btw, to me it reads as slightly more fem than masc although it could be either... might be your American accent) also im curious, do you have a more specific knowledge of your gender than just nb and if so are you ok sharing it? you don't have to answer either that question or the one about your voice if you dont wanna im just a nosy bitch

time to spill the beans yeah i have a lot of voice issues and i think its gotten better  lately since i guess ppl have started being affirming of shit etc i mean i always kind of assumed my voice sounded way too masc bcuz i cant hear what i say the same way someone else can. fuck this post its so long so its going under a readmore 

anyway when i started voice chatting in my discord server with all the nbs (mostly amab) everyonw was like oh im so jealous of ur voice u sound like a gril how long have you voice trained and im like, fuckin cool my guy, i havent voice trained at all this makes me feel less bad about my voice i guess like since its maybe the only androgynous thing about me… but the issue there now is i feel like i cant talk about voice dysphoria in there without coming off as a jackass humblebrag idk maybe i shoudl just own it and become super smug 

but the reality is dysphoria isnt logical for one thing and my voice is way less versetile than most voices like,  i do music stuff and I definitely wish my voice could go higher bc im well just in tenor range. its also like, while my pitch naturally falls there i still definitely have the Gone Thru  Testosterone PUberty voice since my voice actually dropped when i was super young, like, 11, i guess, whch makes me mad, like there was never any hope for me in that regard or physical regards either. 

the good/bad thing is that while that upper range is gone forever my lower range never dropped super low. I think this is good for gender reasons and to help me avoid being percieved as an Adult Man. its not good for singing reasons though, as i have pretty much 1 octave of usable chest range which is pathetically below average. Whats also not good is that my friends are like ‘how do people NOT think youre queer if you sound like that” which is extremely paranoia inducing because im currently trying my dardnest to distract my parents from my queerness haha. so yeah whenever i go to visit them i find myself tryitng to force my voice lower and then throat hurt. i also circumstantially get annoyed when i like, call the doctors office and they dont believe i am the person under my legal and very male name, which has been very inconvenient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

anyway it all boils down to both a dysphoria with what i percieve as male qualities in my voice and to the fact that im not a woman either and i have no idea what tthat implies for what I want to sound like except that I wish I had more control over how people perceive me aurally in many diffrent situations. but yeah uh my gender is i currently dont identify as any gender which sounds like agender but its actually distinct in my mind (not that it matters) and if i need to i will fall in the category of nonbinary and less frequently transfem (though i dont actively identify as transfem my experience is pretty much the same, aligning myself with genders freaks me out and makes me dysphoric so i dont prefer to do that) 

that and i find my voice annoying to listen to , it may “pass” but i still have a very sorta mucusy voice idk how to say it…… and also like,       sometimes i slip into a really southern accent  which is bad especially when im drunk     thats what happens its really subtle like instead of fire you say far and  oil is awl and i hate that i do this