#dont mind me just projecting onto time travel steve again

[flowercrowngods]

"What is..." Robin starts the question, trailing off like always, and Steve waits for her to find out what it was that she wants to know about him now.

This game of 20 questions has been going on for months now and there's not a single person who Steve trusts enough to play it with aside from her. So he gets more comfortable against the wall behind him and waits for her to come up with a question.

"Your biggest fear?"

Easy, he thinks. "Being alone."

She meets his eyes with a frown. "Seriously?"

He nods. "I know you enjoy solitude and all, but me, if you leave me on a desert island with no one to talk to? I would drown myself after a day or so."

"Jesus," she breathes, and yes, it's extreme. He knows. But he can't be alone. He can't. "Guess I better stick around so you don't drown then, huh?"

He smiles and reaches over to take her hand. "Yeah, you better."

****

Months later, Steve is sitting against the wall again, his hand cold and empty.

"I'm drowning, Robs," he whispers into the silence that weighs so heavily on his chest, his lungs barely filling with air anymore as he's trying not to cry.

[thelunarfeline]

I still only feel comfortable blogging here

thinking too much about goals and the next years. its so strong because the past year (two years?) have been such a limbo state for me.  I feel like a dog being held on a leash and I’m running in place so excited to be let free.

 I want to say I’d delete this but I know that this writing will be permanent and public and that will make me more accountable. it's like writing my dreams and goals on a wall or on in a letter left out on a shrine. I’ll never know if anyone is looking but I know that anyone can see it and that makes it more real. Out of my head. Real. BUT this got very long so ..... 

first off, I don't think a day goes by that I don’t imagine what having my own apartment will be like. It’s getting so close. I want to have an office. I want to have a space that I go to work and it's not the same space I sleep in. I want to have all of my books and art supplies in clear view. I want to have that space where I do only my work-related task and I stay there doing that work and not getting distracted. I want that office where I can leave and close the door. Work will not exist outside of it.

 I want light to pour in from the window and I want blank walls where I will sticky note everything. I will have thoughts i will remember a person i will learn something i will have ideas and I will write them down and fill up a wall and connect things. I will have my goals big and clear i will have my most important projects and priorities up and I won't get distracted or feel lost not knowing what to do next.

fucking hell, i will have a cat. do i need to go on? It will be wonderful.

 I will have a kitchen all to myself. I won't feel anxious about cooking and people watching or be around me. I won't feel anxious about getting too much in the fridge that doesn't have enough room. I will cook my own food and I will be healthy and i’ll lose weight. 

Speaking of which I will be able to exercise in my own place and not feel anxious from people hearing me jump around or people watching me in a gym. if i’m lucky and get a place next to the park, then I’ll go there and do running and other workouts. I’ll just do an hour every other day with body weight exercises and I’ll do it while i’m watching youtube (cuz i gotta keep up with my youtubes!) I’ll stick to the routine and I’ll build up my muscles and maybe pass more. 

and I’ll cook for friends! I’ll have people over and we can have game nights or just hang out and I’ll be open and let people just come over just to relax and get away. i hope. i want to hang out with more of my queer friends.

 i want get closer to Galen. i want to chill with June shes so smart and interesting and I want to document her. along with Justice. I should keep up with Elana and learn more about the journalism world. i can't wait to be back in the community. i want to spend half of my days (mornings or afternoons) visiting the organizations again. I want to get closer to PRYSM i want to help out DARE. I want to know what people are doing i want to document and share them. i want to help i want to go to all the events i want to build these relationships with time. I want to help out AMOR and document Cata and all her amazing work i want to get back to fighting the police i still want to help the CSA i want to work closely with Steve and get my work out there more and figure out what that means.

I know that I can’t rush into another video project I want to just put a camera up in from of all my young friends but I know that’s not right and so I have to stay the course of taking pictures of events and film it for B roll I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing with video and I know it’s a long shot but I want to work with my footage and pull out moments that I could ask people about to contrast what has happened in two years since and I want to think about it all critically and think of it as evidence or ways to point out larger ideas or something does that make sense? 

  i need to make my website i don't know what distracts me so much from it. i know i need to i know i need to put up all my photojournalism that's my main work that's what im proud of. i just don't know what kind of work it will get me

i want to do my project with annaleise and document share more about the RI legislation and how it works maybe learn more and really solidify my ideas about what needs to be changed or at least try out the look at art get paid idea.

I should stay in contact with Sara trickerser she seems like she likes me and my work and she has the career that most resembles what mine could go in and I’d really enjoy it that being a cinematographer for both non fiction and fiction work and she’s only maybe ten years my senior so again it’s a realistic mentor to look to so I really look up to her I have other people that stick in my mind Sam polars and that I think his name is Elliot editor those people I want to contact but irl know will be a long shot I want to get close to Neil and hopefully help out his career uprise and get to learn and gain experiences from that along with mike sun. Alex and Jordan too as they progress in their director careers. I hope Eileen kody and Chris will continue again to pass along opportunities to me

There’s any Walsh working with her was great and creatively challenging in the good way.

Omg the PSU and following the kids and getting an understanding of the youth point of view and helping project their voices

i want to do my project about understanding all the systems that exist and affect people and what people are affected by and how to trace it back to a voted in official and keep them accountable do i still want to do my idea about making the CSA ordinances into large posters?

 I need to learn more about how that is going I have this lingering idea always still to make all kinds of quote posters not even well-designed ones just to write out progressive reminders and quotes to plaster all over my home. all these projects might not even happen because i dont know whats going on in Providence! I might come back and find out there's something more pressing that i can make a project about and help with. I can bet that the biggest issue still that exists when i come back will be the housing crisis and rent reform. i want to help. i want that time to just live in the community and be a part of something and give and give back instead of being isolated.

  i still follow cinematography and filmmaker social media all over the webs and those just get me thinking oh i should also try to get some more AC jobs see if i can get onto sets see if i can be a part of that too. i’d have to travel to Boston or nyc im not sure i want to make those relationships i want to understand better the documentary world. all i have is my my one film and i feel like i should be doing more with it but i dont know what and im not sure if i should and im not sure what is next but i feel like maybe i should be trying to get into these documentary circles at least to maybe get a job as DP or editor mabye maybe maybe???? 

i worry so much about what am i going to make? what am i going to do with my life. i hate it because on my year off still in limbo just god i was just going i was just doing. i was JUST DOING. and i loved every moment of it i felt no worry no more anxiety no stress about where my life was going to go it was going. part of me is looking back on this writing and thinking im being so unrealistic or im worrying too much. honestly its just being so cooped up and jittery. i’m daydreaming so much because i have nothing else to fucking do and im on the internet so much. I never go on fb at all because the amount of jealousy and feeling that im missing out on my community and all the projects i could be helping out on just fucking kills me it destroys my day. but fuck, i gotta get my internet fix so i’ve been hanging out on instagram and reddit. Instagram is like FB light mixed with reddits problem which is seeing people i do not know doing their thing whether it be activism or filmmaking or even being an artist and I just think why am i not doing that?

I hate being in the limbo state because all I can do is overthink and not just do 

and i just feel so held back and its my circumstances and its all going to be fucking gone starting in January and i’m so ready for it. i am feeling my body tense up and my heart rate rise just from writing this all out. its not good i know i know. like fuck. i need to live in the moment. but. Stop. taking a big breath. I’m glad I’ve written this all out. Im excited for a year from now to look at this. honestly, i kinda want to print this out and then mark and annotate on it all the things that did happen or didn't happen. i know im so fucking young and i’m going to get that time to build out the relationships i want.