#dont be fooled by me sounding like i actually know something abt any of this shit im still as lost as ever

[sad--tree]

it's an instant -30% if u don't demo but...... is that only if it works???? i don't wanna lose unnecessary marks bc lord knows ill be losing plenty already bc my assignment is a piece of crap but god..... the STRESS of running a program u KNOW won't work IN FRONT of ur instructor ????? dread. despair. dying

[daddy-ul]

Since you’re a Lars fan do you believe that Lars was right about Napster

Ah, isn’t this ask the dream of every Lars stan? /sarcasm

My dear duder, I can totally see that you are genuinely asking this bc you are curious, so I’ll give you two answers: the one I want to give (1) and the one you are expecting to receive (2) from someone who, in theory, likes the man in question enough to know abt the debacle.

They will be both sincere, at time sarcastic, passionate, but never aggressive.

1.

“Napster? Is it a napkin american brand or something? This european ass doesn’t know” is my standard go-to, bc IT’S BEEN 20 YEARS. ENOUGH.

You called me “a Lars fan”, and tbh the best thing I can do as his fan is... not engaging with it. Because it has been 20 years, everything that could be said has been said, and the man can’t take it anymore. It’s almost never posed as a real question but more as a dig, as a way to extrapolate scandal, a reaction, views or whatever.

2.

Under the cut - it’s gonna be long - you’ll find my actual thoughts abt it, bc ofc i have thoughts abt it.

The thing is that I dont think most people even know what actually Napster is about, at least for Metallica.

Long story short: Metallica does a song for a movie, they are still tweaking it and suddenly it’s on the radio. It’s I Disappear. Metallica (the band, the management etc) goes wtf????? How?

In 2001 Napster was about control. Nothing more, nothing less.

🥕 Argument 1: “It’s about the money! Lars Ulrich is a greedy moth--”

Rebuttal: Nope, it’s the 2000s, Metallica is a fucking juggernaut, they sold so fucking much in the years prior and after that Jason Newsted still lives confortably with all that money, without having to work constantly.

Also, these are the dudes who let you tape their concerts back in the day and nowadays they give you a professional mix of your concert for free with the ticket. PROFESSIONAL MIX. Do you know that mixing requires money and time? They could easily not do it. They do, and i fucking love it bc I have forever my concert in digital form and with a good sound.

🥕 Argument 2: “He was an ingrate! He wanted to attack the fans! To sue them! To--!”

Rebuttal: yeah, I know where you get this from but it’s also not true. This is the only point of the story where I think Lars was on the wrong side, and the man himself admitted that.

What really happed was: Napster said “we cant do anything bc we cant know who downloaded what”, and they were lying, and Lars was so irritated by that, that went and with a fucking car full of paper with names on it, read out loud ppl names that downloaded from the site. Because OF COURSE you can know who is who with IP addresses. And Lars said it was only a show of force, a “do you think we are fucking fools? stop lying” and not a “I will come to your house and demand money”. It really went out of hand, he was too much in the heat of the moment, he regrets that move, bc of course it was interpreted like that, even if he didnt absolutely want to come after the fans.

🥕 Argument 3: “But Lars--”

Rebuttal: STOP SAYING LARS. SAY METALLICA, FFS. This is the thing that piss me off the most: it 👏 was 👏 not 👏 Lars 👏

Okay, it was Lars, but he was Lars on Metallica behalf. He was not a rogue agent of Justice. Lars doesn’t do stuff like that on his own. It was a group decision. Metallica chose to fight for it and Lars, as usual, chose to be the spokesman. But most people just hate Lars... why? I cant even take you seriously if you drool over James Hetfield bc he is “so cool” but then you go on hating Lars for Napster. You are just not making any sense. Hate ‘em all at least, lol!

>>>>> Why do I say that it was about control?

a) The man himself admitted it.

b) have you ever heard them talk? Everything is about control with them, bc control grants you freedom. Like, they have their own record company just to produce their shit themselves. Nobody ever talks how they fought Elektra to get back their masters (and again Lars was on the front for that). They want to do it their way, they always do.

From 2000!Lars POV it went like this “how come our song is out on some site or whatever when we havent even completely finished it yet? Who gave them the right?”

Look me in the eye and tell me that any artist would be fine with that.

So, then it escalated so fucking quickly, but 2000!Lars didnt know what duststorm he was rising. I dont want to paint him as a hero or whatever, he admitted that back then he didnt know how big and complicated the thing was, he learned it along the way.

Nowadays the music landscape is completely changed and I dont think my opinion on it has any value bc I’m not an expert and I know so little about it. But I read different articles about how hard it is to make music for a living now.

I could go on and on (i just cut out a paragraph that compared what making money in the music industries was about for Queen in the 70/80s and what it is now), but I’m tired of thinking in english, so I’ll cut this short and make it sweet:

I believe that artists deserve to be paid for their art and I also believe that downloading some songs is not the end of the world. Yes, these two things dont contraddict each other bc the world can contain such complexity.

Support the artist how you can!; if everyone does that, it will be fine at the end.

EDIT:

The most insightful, short comment I found was made by kirk a couple of years ago.

They told him "see? Now everyone understands the Napster thing! You were right, thank god you won."

But he said no, no we didn't win.

I agree with him.

[doomstypewriter]

abt the last ask: u dont have to include it ofc (if u write it at all) but i thought id let u know that its based on the mental image i suddenly had of j climbing up to pats window, knocking on the shutters, pat pulling him in by his lapels and immediately kissing him (if you can even call it that with how hard theyre smiling) & then sometime later pat hearing like his dads footsteps coming toward his room as theyre making out so pat scrambles off his bf & shoves him in his closet (the irony)

Anon, finally, here you have it, but with a twist. This got completely out of hand, as per usual when I write anything. Since you were so nice (/li) to send me your request in two parts, I will actually break your prompt into two parts, otherwise, it’s never going to end. I hope you’re pleased by the first part, also, I am answering to this first because it matches the content of the first part. 

Thank you so much for your lovely prompt! Hope you enjoy! 

If anyone wants to be tagged for this let me know in a comment!

AO3

Chapter 2 >>

We call it an affair because it’s a forbidden romance

Summary:  An encounter in the dark. The disdain of society. A forbidden romance. Royalty is involved and a title is at stake. Will an aspiring count, Patton Morandi and his rogue lover Janus overcome the barriers laid in front of them?

(We're in it for the drama)

---

“So long away and what I least expect is not you saving my life, but finding myself having missed your nonsense”.

“Is it nonsense when I make you smile like this?”

Word count: 3848

Pairings: Moceit, future Prinxiety.

TW:  Homophobia, internalised homophobia, deadnaming a trans person, misogyny, mentions of religion, hopelessness, ideological things you would expect from the period (I'm not sure if there's anything else, but please tell me).

Chapter 1 of 2: 

Balcony kiss

How the moonlight shone in its quiet dance with the nightly air. It was a mostly clear summer evening, the second day of the week-long festival. The sounds of music and colourful lights could be heard and seen from the distance, but gradually decreased as a certain thief made its way across the gardens of Villa Morandi. For certain, the head of the family would not be excessively happy about the entire ordeal, but no disgruntlement could come out of those things of which one has no knowledge of, and Janus surely intended to keep his entanglement a secret. 

He crossed the bushes and jumped over marble balustrades expertly, careful to avoid the lights of the servant quarters, where their residents were reading themselves for departure. 

“Signor Morandi seems to be in good spirits lately, it is fortunate that most of us can leave for the festival”. 

Any news about the man was something worth listening to, given his situation, so he decided to stay and see if they mentioned something useful. Also, he, admittedly, enjoyed gossip. 

“Loretta! Don’t be such a bragger in front of us!”

“Why? I’d say the only one lamenting not being able to go is you. You should be ashamed for dragging poor Virginia in with you to make yourself sound less self-centred”. 

Janus silently nodded. 

“That is not true! I am merely trying to make the newcomer feel welcome! And here you are making her feel excluded, who is now in the wrong?” 

Weak retort, wannabe-partygoer, he thought. 

“Va, va…” the other maid answered dismissively “Quit holding her like that! Don’t you see she’s uncomfortable?! Povera bambina”. 

“Come on Virginia, don’t you think it’s a waste for such a wrinkly woman to be let out instead of us?” 

“Who are you calling old?!” 

“You did, but now that you so kindly brought it up, you are old! Turning wrinklier by the second!” 

Alright, at this point, Janus could not help but be rooting for Loretta, going for the old card was the low-hanging fruit. 

“I may be your senior, but I promise you that regardless of that nonsense about wrinkles you’re babbling I’m ten times more fair looking!”

“Ah!” she exclaimed with feigned indignation. “Can you believe her? She’s delusional!”

“Well then, the delusional one will not search for a man at the festival, such a pity I will not be introducing anyone to you this week!”

He smiled at the comeback. Way to go, Loretta. 

“Loretta! Just because you had the luck to get engaged doesn’t give you the right to rob others of their chances. Don’t be so mean, I’ll apologise if I must”. 

“Alright, but never dare call me wrinkly again, for you will owe this old woman when I find you a husband. Virginia, I can help you too if you want it, I know plenty of young lads who would love to…” 

“Oh, no, I’m not really interested”. 

At this point Janus had quenched his thirst for amusement and begun to lose his interest, having more pressing matters to attend to. But, one new comment made him reconsider the usefulness of his eavesdropping for longer on the ladies’ conversation. 

“That’s right, Loretta, don’t you see she’s here on official duty. To suggest for her to slack off with men… ts, ts… “

“Oh, you shut up! Don’t fret, Virginia, dear, I should have remembered you were sent for an urgent matter”. 

“True, true! Tell us if you can, is it as they say? Was her ladyship done in by pirates?” 

“Elda! Such crude language, you dare call yourself a lady, how can you say something so insensitive?”

“What? You want to know as badly as I do, besides, if it is true, then there is no changing it, and if it’s not then it’s fine, as her ladyship is still alive”. 

“I’m so sorry, Virginia, just ignore her”. 

“Don’t worry. As far as I’m willing to say, her ladyship still lives but I cannot disclose any further information”. 

Oh. 

No. 

When one spies on others, bad news exists as a possibility, but, usually, in the form of getting caught. This happened to be worse. Being spotted? That he could deal with. Having his heart ripped out after one stellar month? Not so much. 

He ran. 

Not from his problems. More or less towards them. 

The marble balcony seemed as unreachable as ever. A sense of dread loomed over his thoughts, while a mix of feelings, now turned into urgency, settled in his heart. 

Raising a hand Janus willed his trustworthy companion to fall from the nightly skies. Meanwhile, he began to climb the walls of the manor. There was an undeserved elegance in his motions, not becoming of such an honourless goal, and, nevertheless, fitting for a thief like him. 

The hawk swept inside the room from a window and cast the doors to the balcony open. 

Janus promptly grabbed onto the bass of the marble balustrade. One month ago he had received news of something that would simplify his life. He knew he should not care, it was going to end poorly no matter what. But, rereading two months worth of love letters and hoping for an uncertain future, he could not help but feel happy. That made his resolve to return in time for the festival. 

From the room came a sound of rushing footsteps. 

Three months of yearning to see a face again. 

That image made Janus more desperate, and, in his haste, he committed one fatal mistake. His grip on the marble slipped. At a thirty feet height, the ground beckoned him. 

But, just when his doom seemed so certain, he was caught by the front of his cape and safely gathered against a pair of lips. 

With such smiles stretching their faces, it could barely be called a kiss. But, the intensity of the affections behind it rendered the notion meaningless. 

“My love”, Janus muttered as they parted ever so slightly. 

“You scared me, silly. I miss you for three months and when you’re returned to me I almost lose you for good”. 

“Let’s be happy you were there to catch me”. 

“Thank the Lord, and if He wills it, I will always be”. 

“I ought to be grateful to you, my dear, not the ones above” he answered while stepping to the safe side of the balcony. 

“Well, our poor feathery friend can’t be too happy about that” Patton laughed dismissively, gazing at Janus’ hawk. 

“You’re right. I neglect to show my gratitude, perhaps you could give me somewhere to start?”

“Oh, but how can I hand you my room, my sweet, the stones of the house are too heavy!” 

“So long away and what I least expect is not you saving my life, but finding myself having missed your nonsense”. 

“Is it nonsense when I make you smile like this?” 

Janus laughed in delight. 

“Let me make you smile in turn, then”, he said, whilst extending his hand. 

The touch of Patton’s palm felt like a warm pressure through the barrier of his leather gloves. Perhaps all of his interactions were as imperfect as their naked hands not being able to meet. Janus’ fake gallantry, their hopes, may be short-lived in the face of change. But, for now, he would rather enjoy pretending. 

He pulled Patton to the inside of the alcove. 

“Are you refined now?” Patton laughed. 

“Of course, I have always been. Whatever could lead you to ask such a question? If I were to be a thief, which I am not, I would be the most honourable”. 

There was a certain amount of delight to be found in catching his lover in the midst of changing into his night robes, judging by those being laid out onto the bed’s ostentatious covers. Despite such a degree of luxury surrounding Patton, he still refused to task any servant to dress him. What was there not to love about the man? 

Patton made a motion as if to hold his hands, only to surprise him by pulling his gloves off. Any other person, and it would have been a display of sensuality, coming from him, it was like movement turned into honey, perhaps a mixture of both. Indeed, there was everything to love about him. 

Maybe not all. Janus dreaded to admit how deep in he had allowed himself to be for this man. 

A fool for a good man. 

His hands felt the light night coldness in their grip on the linen shirt. Janus almost wanted to chastise himself as the thought of kissing away the kiss of the midnight breeze came to mind. He hid in the curve of Patton’s neck, sliding his lips along it, feeling like a coward whispering a lie. Countless lies. Telling himself this was enough, that he could bear the thought of this man taken away from him by a woman, that the thrill in this forbidden form of vice was not his worry taking yet another disguise. 

“Oh, you’re a thief alright”. 

“Is there something of yours I happen to have taken?” Janus retorted with a vague tone of amusement. 

Patton cradled his left cheek in a firm request to see his face. Who was Janus to deny him? 

“You know all too well you have”. 

Oh. 

“Well, that would make two of us”. 

Patton’s expression melted into more honey. It always made Janus unsure as to whether he had made a mistake, no matter how unfounded the doubt was. 

“Thank you” the words rebounded in proximity against the other’s lips. Janus didn’t know Patton could also be cruel. 

“A little sincerity never hurt anyone”. 

“You are not anyone” he smiled softly. 

“Then make the pain up to me”.  

Both their lips made contact like a wax seal on a letter. Janus pushed Patton against a low piece of furniture. From how the other fumbled, he could tell a corner was pressing against him. Despite the sting, Patton still committed himself to their affections. If that wasn’t a metaphor for their relationship Janus didn’t know what it was. Janus knew Patton would disagree, of course. 

It seemed that exchanging one piece of furniture for another, the bed, would not be possible. Someone was knocking on the door. 

“Janus…” Patton panicked in a hushed voice.

“Not a problem, my dear, this is my speciality” he smiled at him. 

Janus’ feet almost flew over the carpet, muffled by the Persian fibres and his expertise on avoiding the parts of the floor that creaked. He turned the key of Patton’s wardrobe without the distinctive noise most people couldn’t avoid. Luckily for them, he wasn’t most people. The door mysteriously closed itself from the inside. Janus could swear to hear Patton draw a breath in wonder as to how he had done it. 

“My son, let me in!” a voice came from the corridor. 

“On my way, father”. 

The mule-like bray of the alcove’s door hinges Janus detested preceded the sound of a set of footsteps he knew and loathed just as well, if not more.

“Were you reading yourself for bed? Ah, do not answer, I can already see your night robes over there. How many times need I tell you, call the servants to dress you, it is unbecoming that you do not. Moreso with the status you are to acquire”. 

Janus almost scoffed upon hearing it.

It wasn’t that Janus outright looked down on Signor Morandi. He certainly held an admirable reputation and an even more admirable wealth. He contributed to the church, upheld his honour, was a patron to a few talented artists and did everything expected from someone of his status. By societal definition, he was an outstanding man. But, he could never understand Patton. Yes, Patton’s behaviour in public also stood to scrutiny. He was a young man to be admired, for sure. Yet, it somehow mismatched any other person’s strive for reputability. Patton lacked this performative quality, eagerness, if you will, that he found time and time again in people. 

At first, Janus struggled to comprehend it. Everyone had desires outside of the strictly polite, they either pretended they didn’t or tried to hide it, that’s why they paid the church, after all. Janus didn’t believe people made an effort to actively align with the global canon for morality, just to look like it or deceive themselves. This theory on society made it so when he met Patton he simply dismissed him as a try-hard, later to relabel him as self-deceiving. Maybe he was a victim of his own biased cynicism. 

As they grew closer, he started to get the whole picture. To his surprise, Patton tried to get his desires to align with what he perceived as morally correct, sometimes failing miserably. Janus’ presence in his room didn’t qualify as a success by society’s criteria... Patton’s effort to be ‘good’ did not come from a place of wishing to be perceived as such. Patton didn’t want to look good, he needed to be good. A good man. The realisation was hard to process but true. 

Once he understood that, Janus could not let go. It stands to reason that, if that kind of person were to earn his affection, someone like his father would awaken his spite. Signor Morandi had simply never made an effort to understand his son’s motivations, unlike Janus. If he was a cynic, Patton was a victim to his own good intentions. 

“I do not understand”. 

“Lady Renata Regio is alive”. 

“Oh”. 

“Yes, it is most fortunate, you will no longer have to stay inside and miss the festival”. 

“Well, father, I am not sure if that is appropriate, her ladyship must be feeling poorly after such a horrid experience. Perhaps it is best if I stay in and promptly send a letter to help soothe her”. 

“Patton, it honours you to be willing to put the weak’s suffering before yours, but it is not needed in this case. You do not have to concern yourself with her. I am afraid that she is safe and sound on the account of having planned her own kidnapping. Lady Renata Regio has joined the pirates bringing disgrace upon her family, the wretched woman”. 

Yes! Janus thought. Neither the wardrobe nor the entire room could contain his joy at hearing it. 

“That is most unfortunate, should I reassure her family that I do not hold any resentment towards them?” 

“It would be no good, there is going to be a scandal!” Signor Morandi sounded too happy. 

Janus could not help but to smile a little.

“Are we going to pursue any retaliation?” Janus almost saw Patton shudder in the tone he used. “I do not think it necessary, it is a matter of marriage, although important, there are many other options that--” 

“Yes, there are many other women to pursue, that is the spirit! In said spirits, I must inform you of the most wonderful news I have just received”. 

What? 

“Today a trusted servant from the Regio estate arrived at our home”. 

“Yes, Virginia Fusco”, of course, Patton knew her name. “I personally received her, she refused to tell me exactly why she was sent here, also insisted to wait to talk to you”. 

“Precisely, well, it turns out she is the personal servant of Lady Romina Regio”. 

“The eldest of the twin daughters of the Regio?” 

“Indeed. Let me be frank with you son, the Regio know they cannot keep the true actions of their lesser daughter hidden forever, a rumour is meant to surface eventually. This is very unfortunate for them, I have heard they were planning to match Lady Romina with a higher member of the nobility. Her sister’s actions have ruined her chances, it is unlikely that whoever was to marry her will accept such a union. My son, you know I always have your best interests in mind, Lady Renata Regio was a fine choice to provide you with connections to nobility. In turn, her family would have got access to our wealth, which, after their losses in the war, they need”. 

Oh no. 

“This being the circumstances, they have to choose how to align themselves in the future and what would be more advantageous to the family”. 

“Shit” Janus said under his breath. 

“We are about to reach an agreement for a marriage between Lady Romina Regio and you. I need you to understand that, if you are to accept, you will have to face some troubles, at least initially. The rumours about Lady Renata’s motivations may taint your reputation for a short while and the Regio’s rush to marry off Lady Romina will raise more rumours”. 

“What choice would please you the most?” 

“Oh, Patton, you idiot”. 

“The union could make your child a count, you could potentially obtain a title depending on how we negotiate with the family. It is my wish that you accept this marriage”. 

“Will this bring honour to our family?” 

“Certainly”. 

“Then…” an air of doubt went through Patton’s voice. 

Janus was debating whether or not to burst out of the closet, either to tell him to refuse or to scold him for not accepting immediately what was probably the best opportunity of his life. 

“Of course I will accept”. 

“You make me very happy and proud, my son. I will meet with the servant girl to send her back with a letter requesting to meet with Lord Regio”. 

The words were spoken carelessly. Signor Morandi often did that around his son, not knowing how many times he had been overheard by him. He may be a great man by society’s standards, but he could never be a good man. 

Janus slumped against the back of the wardrobe, surrounded by pieces of clothing he could never afford. There was a world in which Patton had refused. But Patton hadn’t been left a real choice, so he could find some comfort in knowing this thing between the two had to end due to him being backed into a corner. Better than having Patton’s morals come between them. That, he would never reconcile with. 

This was better than before. Being cast away for something as mundane as marriage, no matter the useful connections involved, was one thing, being left for a countess, well, if that’s what it took to refuse him he wouldn’t complain too much. 

He would have preferred a marchioness or a duchess. 

He would have preferred to be the only thing standing in between Patton and kingship and still win. 

He would definitely prefer it if Signor Morandi was to accidentally fall down a flight of stairs on his way to writing his pesky letter. 

There was nothing like a fire to persuade someone, even a countess… 

But Patton would be upset. 

His hawk screeched from the roofs above. Then footsteps rushed to his side, followed by candlelight flooding the inside of the closet. 

Patton had no right to look so humble yet so marvellous. Not even the warmth of the flame could rival with that of his gaze. A gaze that was his’, not of any countess. But, still, a gaze that deserved to become a count. 

“Janus…” 

Honey clogging up his ears, that was the shape of a whisper. 

“I suppose”, he shook off the dust of his cape and held his head up with dignity, “this is when we part. I’d love to say it’s a pity, but we saw it coming. Guess it was nice to enjoy it while it lasted. I’m always a letter away, my dear, that countess of yours wouldn’t ever find out”.

This was the bitter taste of selflessness. He never understood how Patton enjoyed it. 

Janus turned around, ready to make his merry way out of Villa Morandi or fall off the balcony properly this time. Suddenly, Patton’s armed chained the two of them to their spot in the room. Patton’s chest heaved pitifully in a mockery of a hiccup. 

“I’m sorry. What was I supposed to do? There was no other choice. I didn’t wish to upset you. Please--” 

“What do you think you’re doing?” 

He promptly let him go. 

“I…”

Janus turned back to face him.

“You think crying will make this easier? Do you seriously think I enjoy this? I would gladly rob you of everything and have you entirely to myself. It is taking so much self-restraint to not get your father into a tragic accident, my dear. If anything, you’re making it worse by crying. I am doing this for you. Don’t you dare ruin the one honourable thing I will do in my life”. 

“How can I pretend to be happy when you’re leaving?” 

There were sparks of light encased in his tears. Something about their ironic beauty left him even more heart-broken. 

“What am I going to do, then? I can be selfish to an extent, but I cannot take the rest of your life too. You’re being offered a title and a wife, all the things someone at your level could wish for. Don’t be more of an imbecile, keep it. It is already inappropriate for you to be seen with the likes of me, and it’s even worse with me being a man”. 

“You’ve never cared about that”. 

“But you do! Let resume, dear”, he tried to say in his most condescending voice. It didn’t sound even remotely like it. “You go to church each Sunday, you have five bibles just in this room and the most sincere good-samaritan complex I have ever seen. I know you can’t bear to live in sin”. 

“I can’t bear to live without you either!”

Oh, Patton, you fool, silly, ridiculous man…

  “What…” he felt as if he was going crazy. 

A chuckle escaped through the spaces in between his teeth. Janus looked downwards and whispered. 

“What are you saying?” 

This self-consciousness, he had never felt anything like it before. Was he blushing? 

“I love you… I know it’s wrong, so why doesn’t it feel like it?” 

More honey. What a way for his plan to backfire.

“This is ridiculous, you should be concerning yourself with more important--” 

Patton placed the back of his hand under his jaw to raise his head with such gentleness... stupid. 

“Is it ridiculous when it’s making you cry like this?”

A compassionate man’s tears were not worth his. He had never been as sure as now that this was a mistake. Yet he longed for him more than ever. 

“Of course not” he wiped away his tears feigning some kind of dignity. 

As quickly as ever, he also pretended to regain his composure. 

“Do you have any sort of plan for what you’re going to do next? Under pressure, you’re a terrible improviser, my love”.  

“Well...I can’t let you go. I know as much. I should, for my family, father, my honour. But I will not. You’ve shown me that acting selfishly doesn’t make someone evil. I will find a way to fulfil my duty without giving you up, you have my word”.

[angeliclunaetic]

just thinking back to the day i met him, till now and,, there was always something about him. something that drew me in and everything just felt right. That day we met,, something about him just drew me in. idk if it was his sense of humor or just how polite n sweet and caring he was in general but it was,, something. idek why i even texted him in the first place. i just commented on his stuff and decided to text him. we talked for a few and then he showed me a pic of himself and i was just,, in awe. he really was the cutest thing ever. yes i had thought abt using him when i first saw him but,, i couldnt even if i had wanted to. i seen his pic and thought “yeah he looks like he’d be easy to use” but then by the end of texting him that night,, i fell so deeply for him. actually no. i already fell for him. way before we even met. that must be how everything felt so right. but just texting him a little bit that first night,, i just instantly wanted to know more about him. i never even talked abt someone else to my gc and for some reason i had the urge to talk about him,, like i knew he was the one but didn’t realize it. and then when we called for the first time,, i swear i had butterflies. even though i was otp with him and his friend,, i was so nervous to just talk to him. i had thought of him as my crush at that point. no one had ever made me feel that way. i never got so nervous to talk to anyone. i wanted to stay quiet that entire time so i wouldnt say something stupid and embarrass myself but something about him,, made me want to be so open. so i talked to him,, and when we got off the phone of our first call,, i was so incredibly sad. i wanted to talk to him more and more and i just wanted to call him again already,, but i wasnt sure how he had felt or if he even felt the same. i thought he did but i didnt wanna assume and make a fool out of myself. i wasnt sure if he had a crush or if he was just being nice. but after a while it was easy to realize. he was way too sweet and caring to me. more than a friend should be. he was there for me the night i was bawling otp w my ex. and he got mad and upset about how my ex was treating me in a way that was different than just my friends. and thats what made me fall for him even more. just him. being himself. him being so sweet. so caring. him just being there for me and not judging me and wanting others to treat me right. and when we videocalled that first time,,i was so nervous. i was worried he’d see what i look like and not be attracted to me anymore. but he still was. but i was so nervous anyways. but when i saw him on video call for the first time,, i was in shock. how could someone be so cute. so perfect. how could someone capture my heart just by simply smiling at me. i knew from then, that i, was in love with him. i wanted to be his so badly. but when he had asked me out i wanted to just scream yes at him,, but something in my mind told me to just calm down and wait,, however a part of me was worried that if i had made him wait that he’d find someone better and leave me. but he didn’t he stayed. even after that night i had told him everything. of how i used to use people and how i had originally planned to use him and he still stayed. i swear i felt my heart break that night and i was crying so much out of fear that he’d leave me before we even got together. i had such strong feelings for him and i wanted him to be mine. but i wanted to make sure i was away from,, that thing,, and that i fully loved him before i got into anything serious. i didnt wanna jump from relationship to relationship either. a part of me just wanted to be single and just have fun. but just,, talking to him and texting him,, i wanted him. i didnt care if i wasnt single. i just wanted him. but also a part of me didnt want to love again. or “love” as i should say considering i never loved anyone before him. i was mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationships are just so much work and you have to give someone such a large piece of yourself and i wouldnt be able to handle being broken again. so many thoughts ran through my head. “what if i dont love him, what if im just attracted to him because im going through things and he’s there for me” “what if he wont wait for me” “what if he doesnt like me “ “what if im using him and dont realize” “what if i get hurt” all these “what if’s” and i never once thought abt the reality of it all. that i, had feelings for him. that he felt the same. that he was willing to wait for me, even if it took years. that he would never hurt me and even allowed himself to be hurt by me if that meant even just getting a chance at me loving him. i guess i was just so worried and just in shock. no ones felt so deeply for me before.and that night that i had asked him out,,, i had seen a pic of my ex with this new girl and i felt absolutely nothing towards it. so then,, thats when i knew. i was over him. that emotional attachment was gone. and my feelings for sam were real. and we had called that night,, that entire night i was so nervous and got butterflies, and i realized i never stopped smiling once during that whole phone call. and after we got of,, i, once again, was extremely sad. i wanted to hear his voice talking to me for hours and hours. i wanted to smile and feel nervous and get butterflies. and at that point i was like,, fuck it. yes i was still worried that my feelings werent true. but what was the harm in trying. he was the only person to have caught my eye in like,, ever. he was on my mind that whole night and probably abt like 30 mins after we got off call i asked him out. my feelings for him were too strong. i was worried he wouldnt wait and i couldnt risk losing someone as special as him to someone else,, if i did, i wouldve never forgiven myself. im glad i asked him out. even though i had surprised myself by it,, i just couldnt wait any longer,, i needed to make him mine. and i did. and i wouldnt change it for the world. the first month for me was very,, rough. of course we were still getting to know each other and our boundaries,, and i of course made some mistakes. my fears of possibly not having true feelings were coming back. and it pushed him away because he didnt wanna get hurt. and he almost left me. those two nights that we had an issue and he had left me,, they broke me. they really did. that  was the worst i had ever been. the crying,, the screaming,, the anger and complete sadness i felt. i felt as if i had lost everything. i felt as if i had nothing left. if i didnt have him,, then,, who am i. im nothing without him. he’s my other half. my soulmate. and i thought i had lost him. im glad im so annoying and clingy otherwise i’d be so fucking heartbroken without him. we had only been together for less than a month those two times and yet i felt so strongly for him. nothing has ever made me feel this way. i had never wanted to keep someone in my life so bad before. it was like,, i needed him to breathe. i needed him to smile. i just,, needed him. i cant live without him. just thinking about a life without him makes me fucking sick. i want him and only him for the rest of our lives. no one can even compare to him. im just,, in shock. like im really in love with him and it just amazes me. im sitting here writing this as he’s sound asleep and i just. i miss him a lot. i guess all my feelings are coming out now since ive been distant the past month but,, i dont care. ill gladly shout from the rooftops how much i love him. god there’s so much more i could say about us. even before we started dating. i cant get over the rush i felt. the excitement, the nerves, the butterflies,, even all the “what if’s”,, i still get nervous and get butterflies when talking to him but ofc they’re not gonna be as strong as when we had met and declared our love for each other. speaking of love,, now im reminded of the day i had told him that i love him,, we had “argued” the day before and i thought i had lost him for good,, and that next day,,i wanted nothing more than to just hold him and kiss him and tell him that i love him. i know the words “i love you” is such a meaningful thing,, i couldnt help but tell him. its exactly how i felt. i loved him. i couldnt be apart from him,, even after only a week of dating him,, i was in love that night i thought he was leaving me for good,, absolutely broke me. and the next day i just wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. even though i was so nervous to tell him that i loved him,, i just,, i knew i was sure. no one had ever made me feel so strongly about them. yeah ive cried over my ex. but nothing could ever compare to just the complete distraught i felt that night. that crying so much it burned my throat and threw up,, the screaming,, just the complete sadness and anger i felt. after that,, i knew i loved him, and i wasnt afraid to tell him. i was nervous bc of how he’d react but i knew that i was never more sure of anything else in my life. i love him. and i want to be with him forever. 

[youmeanlove]

all of them for yusuke !!!!!!!!!

SCREAMS thank you SO much im bout to end this mans (my wish to keep answers short) whole career 

update: sorry this took so long i decided to become a novelistKJF LITERALLY its so long thank you soooo much for sending this ask i had a field day

fresh mown grass: what is your f/o’s favorite scent? does it remind them of anything specific?

paint is the obvious answer so ofc that but he rly likes the smell of a smoked out kitchen. probably because thats what happens every time he tries to experiment w food but it still makes him happy to hav fun with it

pastel sunrise: what was your f/o’s first impression of you? yours of them?

hehehe…he thought i dressed really weirdJFJF he was like one part intrigued one part ‘wtf ew’ but either way boy did he stare at me! for like, minutes straight because he has no self awareness. once we started talking he thought i was um..like, inspiring i guess. that sounds conceited but he just thought i was a cool ‘care-free’ model of life! i thought umm..he was very tall and kind of intimidating! i felt bad because the other students shunned him for being involved with his mentor nd thought he could do with like, literally any social interaction. i thought he was really kind, despite being very straightforward w everything! OH and i thought it was admirable how focused on his passions he was

blooming flowers: what is your f/o’s favorite part of nature? do they even have one?

the ocean!!!! we went to the beach once and he went ape over how the moon looked reflecting over the water

four leaf clover: does your f/o have any good luck charms or superstitions? do you? do the two of you share any?

yusukes really superstitious actually! unlucky words/numbers and stuff like that. one time he broke a comb on accident and threw it across the room lmao. we both go absolutely ham and wont sleep w/ our heads to the north bc we dont feel like dying young

ocean breeze: have you and your f/o ever traveled together? what is your dream vacation?

hoyah! we dont travel because we’re both poor ass art students but we do go to the park a lot! theres some really pretty ones near the schools so we’ll go stare at geese and flowers n stuff! we talk a lot about traveling to spain bc sexy

lemonade stand: what is your f/o’s favorite beverage? and yours?

yusuke my mans rly likes lemonade but like when its kinda bitter? he doesnt like really sweet foods but lemonade and tea are 👌👌. i really like cola uwu

fireflies: how do you light up your f/o’s life?

hehHEHE U///U show that boy how to have fun!! let himself go and chill out sometimes!! he’s always so hard on himself and i help him remember that he doesn’t need to be so focused and stressed all the time anymore!! lov that guy

music festival: what is your favorite type of music? your f/o’s? any overlap between your favorite genres?

yusuke likes chill out music like classical and stuff because hes a NERD and it helps him focus on work! i’m a speedcore rat. we both like swing music because we’re gay

pumpkin latte: what is your guilty pleasure as a couple? 

sometimes we drink juice out of the carton and put it back in the fridge because like who has time for cups..nasty nasty. also idk if this counts but we’ll take those stupid buzzfeed quizzes for like an hour and judge our results OH we stan ‘accidetally’ falling asleep in our day clothes bc we were too tired to change

costume shop: do you wear couples’ halloween costumes? what’s your favorite thing the two of you have ever gone as?

HELL YEAH WE DOOOOO yusuke was like dude remember that time i turned into a mouse can i dress up like a mouse and you dress up as a giant block of cheese and i was like (slaps the desk) absolutely babe

cozy sweater: how does your f/o make you feel secure and safe?

ahejegfahjkgehaheehaejh tall. hes vv straightforward to every1 so i know he’ll always have my back if someone does something to upset me! and he’s always like Bro You Are So Beautiful Dont Ever Say You Arent Bro I Love You Bro except he doesnt say bro ofc hes Fancy

bonfire: what’s one thing your f/o has done to warm your heart?

ONE TIM OH one time he told me that i was one of the few ppl that never rly seemed like i judged him for not being very good at social stuff and that it made him want to talk to even more ppl and like get his childhood back and im :”) also one time he let me hide a stray cat in his dormKJF

ski slope: do you and your f/o play any sports or do any athletic activities together?

lol no we both have an iron deficiency we dont do anything about. we do like to play hand clappy games a lot tho he can beat my ass in slide

snowball fight: how do you and your f/o playfully tease each other?

HONESTLYFKJF we dont tease each other that much bc like. yusuke literally doesnt understand teasing most of the time and i cant bring myself to risk hurting his feelings! i jokingly made fun of his emo bang once and he was like What Is My Hair Bad Should I Get It Cut Do You Not Like It and i was like OH NOOOO!! he doesnt rly know how to tease either but its okay we just compliment each other a lot! no room for teasing in this house

gift wrap: what’s the best present your f/o has ever given you? what’s their favorite present they’ve gotten from you?

OH MY GOSH eheh one time he gave me a winter coat and that sounds lame but it was the best thing to ever happen to me bc i had been talking for like 3 weeks abt how gosh darn cold it was and this poor fool bought me a whole coat!!! raaaaaa!! yusukes fave present i bought him would probably be okay this also sounds silly but a dvd player! he kept buying dvds that were interesting and then realizing that he couldnt watch them anywherejkhf

rosy cheeks: tell us about a time your f/o has made you blush!

hehHEHEEJH okay so at lunch we used to trade so that id give him like food and hed draw me something bc his foster dad be like (whips and dabs) financial abuse but anyway his sketches used to be like scenic stuff or still life or random stuff he happened to see outside while we ate but then one time he gave me a sketch of me!! and was like cause u looked rly nice today i had to draw it and BOYYY WHEN I SAY A BITCH WAS RED!!!!!!!

OKAYFKJF I WROTE WAY TOO MUCH THANK U SO MUCH LEGEND im in love with an anime boy

[glowyves]

Can you do small introductions on each loona member? Or i mean not all of them if u dont want ik theres like 27 of them but just little descriptions of what u think of em would be cute

a chance? to talk abt the loves of my life? 

heejin: you knwo that friend who like if u fuck around during the school yr and need someone to help u out w notes and getting yourself together bc u know shes always on top of her game? thats heejin. girly is an all rounder tbh she can sing dance and as much as ppl like 2 clown her for her rapping shes really not all that bad. LIKE shes just so versatile. she showed that thru mixnine which lol i didnt watch besides cuts but if u watch her performing on there and then see her performing with loona 1/3 it’s like complete opposites but she manages to shine no matter what like it’s effortless for her. shes such a sweet girl too i really do feel like theres a reason she was picked to go first bc she has such a likeable personality. shes funny, hardworking, humble (but not to the point to where she downplays her worth), and just seems like a real ride or die type of friend

hyunjin: MY BABY i hav such a soft spot for hyunjin and it’s hard not to??? she comes across as a little quiet at first and she acts like she doesnt care but she does u know she does shes not fooling anyone idc how many times shes told yeojin 2 shut up on camera i know she’d be one of the first if not THE first girl 2 be by her side (and any members side) if some shit went down. shes such a determined little thing too and when she has her eyes on something she goes for it no thinking abt it no questions asked she just does what she wants and thats something so impressive for a girl her age to be able to do. i feel like shes the type of person to just sit in the back and watch more than participate bc she doesnt mind if the other girls take the spotlight like shes such a chill, laid-back soul. i aspire to be like her. and shes so fucking funny really it’s almost criminal how hard she makes me laugh. ALSO she has the best reactions it’s a disgrace more than anything that i dont hav a folder of just her making stupid faces

haseul: the absolute love of my life? THE jo haseul?? theres a reason shes the member i latched onto the most at the beginning and ultimately kinda the member that tied me down to loona for good. like i was onboard w them from the get but it’s her that sealed the deal. i dont joke when i say she really is their guardian angel and no matter what u think of her in the comparison to the other girls u cant deny the fact that shes born leader material. she makes the other girls feel good and at-ease yknow. like she was always around vivi in the 1/3 loona tvs and u could tell it was like 2nd nature to her being by her side as vivi navigated her way through a country and language she wasnt all too familiar with. and like w/ yves for another example like yves if all facts check out was only w/ bbc for a three week period before they debuted her so obviously she wasnt familiar with any of the girls which is why she was so awkward at first. but haseul? bless her soul she did all that she could to make her feel at home. and she has such a beautiful voice i feel like not enough ppl praise her for it. also fuck yg for making her feel bad during mixnine she deserves the world and he can suck my big toe

yeojin: miss thang miss thang. what 2 say what 2 say. first things first shes a trooper. shes a baby i mean a lot of them are babies but yeojin is an actual baby baby i almost fainted when i learned how old she is. but despite her age shes so firm yknow. when shes doing things she wants to do them right to the best of her abilities and shes always striving to be better which is so admirable bc for me personally at that age i was a goddamn mess i couldnt be doing and juggling even a third of the shit she does. and shes right next to hyunjin when it comes to making me laugh shes just so loud and full of energy even 2 the point where i get tired watching her and im loud and full of energy but her being loud and being full of energy kicks my being loud and being full of energy in the ass. if any of that made sense. but theres never a dry eye in sight when shes in the room and u can tell shes such a joy 2 be around as much shit as the other girls give her lol i just feel real protective of her bc shes just so full of life and laughter and i just want her to be out here living her best life

vivi: it needs 2 be said that i have such high respect for any kpop idol who’s from another country bc theres just so much thats going against them. miss vivi is away from home away from her comfort space away from her friends and family away from a place where she can speak proficiently and fluently bc shes struggling to learn a new language and?? on top of that shes doing all the other standard idol stuff. thats some tough shit thats some scary shit but she takes it all on with a brave face and an open mind. and being able to slowly watch her build up more confidence in the language and basically everything else has been such an honor. like when im out here on my weak shit feeling sorry for myself i gotta think 2 myself what would miss vivi do? how would miss vivi tackle this? i lov this girl honestly i would die for her she does so much and i feel like not all of it is fully appreciated but she’ll have her moment i know she will and it’ll only be a matter of time before ppl see how amazing she is 

kim lip: giiiiiiiiirl. lip is such a strong person. like in all aspects. shes crazy talented it’s a little scary to think abt how much she’ll grow once they properly debut as a group and she gets more experience bc?? she just has so much going for her. her charisma is off the charts she can easily pull a crowd if her solo being a real big jumping point in spreading the loona name says anything at all. and shes such a good pick for the oec leader she definitely has those vibes like u just cant help but listen to her regardless of whatever bullshit she says and she says a lot of bullshit but do i liv by that bullshit and eat it up like shes spouting out the new testament u can bet ur ass i do. lip is definitely one of those girls that u cant help but be drawn to like u just want 2 be her bff bc once u remove her from the stage she has such girl next door vibes i feel like she’d be the type of girl u see in the club and u make small talk by the bar bc u made eye contact by accident and all of the sudden before u know it youve spent ur whole night w her and u hav her phone number and plans to meet up next week bc shes so friendly 

jinsoul: i make fun of her a lot. but w good reason: shes easy 2 make fun of. shes so quirky but not in the ironic way like shes really quirky and a bit of a walking disaster but it’s charming and she makes it work. even if shes not ur fav? shes still? kinda ur fav? even if u dont know it? if i made a list of some of my fav loona moments i assure u she’d be included in about 80% of it like shes such a staple to the group i really cant imagine her not being w them i mean i cant imagine the group w/o any of them but jinsoul especially. sometimes i watch loona vids knowing good and damn well shes not gonna be in them but i still end up thinking where is jinsoul?? bc not 2 speak for everybody (i will tho) but no one can get enough jinsoul. also her voice? i love it it’s one of my favs in not only loona but kpop in general. both speaking-wise and singing-wise. it’s just so pretty i really did astral project the first time i heard sitr & love letter. true out of body experiences 10/10 would recommend the yelp reviews are in shes 100% worth It. what is the It shes worth? idk but whatever It is .. shes worth It.

choerry: i just want her 2 be my little sister wow. miss yerim really has my heart. truly the embodiment of :) . shes so smily and has such a strong energy u cant help but like her. in every loona tv shes in shes making someone laugh or smile and it’s no coinkidink it’s bc shes really just that much of a ray of sunshine and u cant help but fall for her. give her some time i pledge w my life that once they debut she is going 2 shine on variety shows theres no way she wont. she has such good sense and shes so flexible. and if lcm is anything 2 go by shes able to switch it up and kill different concepts and sounds at the drop of a hat. def one to keep ur eye on bc u just know shes gonna go far in the future theres no way she wont she has all the tools in her arsenal to make it big no problem. does she resemble the annoying orange? yes and i’ll hate kim lip forever for putting that image in my head but that wont stop her shes truly a force to be reckoned with.

yves: my baby! u didnt hear this from me but i lov her a lot. she was kinda just thrown 2 the wolves w/ her three weeks of training i can only imagine how nerve wracking it must’ve been for her. here is an army of girls bbc has as potential loona members whove been training for years/knew the other girls who were already chosen as loona members/have even gone along for the ride with the chosen loona members to film their mvs and yet shes the one who was picked to be added after three weeks of her being w the company. three weeks !!! thats a lot of pressure but despite that she gave us everything she got. she was real nervous in the beginning anyone could tell when u watched her loona tv arc but she got over it and by the time chuu’s arc rolled around she was joking around w/ the others like it was nothing. shes so funny too but in an awkward way. like she doesnt mean to be but she says and does shit that makes u ?? and u cant help but laugh. her gig with marishe? i have never seen anything funnier like that bitch really took 100+ photos all w the same face and w the same three poses if that’s not talent idk what is. and i dont think it’s been confirmed in writing yet but shes gonna be such a good leader for the eden unit i feel it in my bones 

chuu: when i tell u my heart has skipped a beat over this girl. im not saying it 2 be dramatic im deadass. my heart has skipped a beat multiple times watching her whether it be a fancam or a loona tv or even a selfie. i’ve watched that little instagram update of her in her pig onesie more times than i want 2 disclose. her voice???? oh my god im in love with it. shes such a strong singer like STRONG and u can hear that in heart attack and girl’s talk and see saw but if u listen to her covers shes done before being introduced as a member it’s like !!!!! wow. and she makes a lot of noises. like just incoherent sounds and its so cute i could cry. like i dont have the attention span 2 sit and watch a vlive if it’s not subbed … but i’d do it for her just bc i love hearing her talk i love her voice on any and all levels u could love someones voice. and all her little mannerisms are adorable and this could really turn into me typing a whole mla formatted essay on how i find her 2 be one of the cutest girls in the world but i’ll spare u. and ofc shes not just cute like i said before this girl is talented and i cant wait for loona to grow as a group so she can be on bigger and bigger platforms for more and more ppl to hear her sing bc thats just how it should be

gowon: i lov her i lov her i lov her!! i’d do just about anything for this girl if she asked but i feel like regardless of who u are u wouldnt be able to refuse her even if u wanted to. i latch onto every word she says everything she says is gold. shes so giggly and a lot of that giggling is bc she probably feels awkward but it’s still real cute. shes also lowkey highkey gotta mouth on her like she’ll really come for ppls throats if she feels it’s necessary and thats beautiful to me. she doesnt get enough credit but as pretty as she is more attention should be focused on her talents bc she is a talented girl. her vocal tone is high and ‘cute’ but i think it melds so well w/ the other girls’ voices and theres a lot of opportunity there if and when they decide to create new sub-units/have more duet songs. and my girl can dance im tired of ppl overlooking her bc?? her pre-debut vids are a little stiff ye but theres so much potential there shes such a gem and i cant wait for her to grow more bc i know theres so much she could be doing w/ what she has

olivia hye: when she said love myself today let u go today? i felt that

[goldenscript]

HEY HEY it’s fine, your health always comes first! my friday was really interesting and today i finally went grocery shopping so there’s that. how’s your weekend so far? LMAO UR LITERALLY ME. i often feel detached from people or even myself but it takes .0000081 seconds for a tear to slip out when im reading or watching anime. omg i cried sm the second season of haikyuu bc like.. my baby oiks deserved to go to nationals man, seijoh deserved to go ;-; dont get me wrong i was sooo proud of (1/?)

our crows but like.. oikawa!!! i watched a couple episodes of avatar yesterday and i already love how flawed zuko is, you can see it right from the start. i already know what happens tho okay HAHAH. AND GIRL IM SO HYPED FOR INFINITY WAR!! LIKE aSDJD I CANT EVEN EXPRESS HOW I FEEL, SHIT’S BOUT TO GO DOWN. WHICH REMINDS ME, BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA IS SET IN A UNIVERSE WITH SUPERHEROES AND IT’S HONESTLY V CUTE. which ALSO reminds me i had a fic draft about how an ex-superhero mc who’s next door (2/?)             

who’s next door neighbors with a notorious anti-hero (superrrr orig ik, i was like in 9th grade ok i’m cringing) and she finds out about him through some funny circumstances bc for one, she’s not dumb. she can piece it together. she lost her powers in some way and is trynna adjust to reg human life and she doesn’t want anything to do with playing hero anymore bc of uh “PLOT.” shit happens. never got past the 3rd chapter lol which made me realize that long fics weren’t for me, i lose (3/?)

motivation too fast but it just sucks bc idk how to condense it enough for it to be a oneshot. when i randomly write, they still hit up to 20k so I DONT KNOW?? maybe i just write too much. i’m just as disorganized as i was 4-5 years ago ;; AH FF(.)net AND QUOTEV. GOOD OL’ TIMES. the first fic i read was about infinite’s woohyun bc he was my bby at the time lmaooo. and wow  i’d love to read your revamped fics and whatever else you have in mind!! the thing about fantasy is that it’s so broad (4/?)        

u can literally do anything with it!! LMAO WELL I MEAN TBRH IT’S JUST BTS but HM WHO DO YOU THINK MAtCHES THE JOB DESCRIPTIONS?? wink wink. ALSO sorry that i talk so much omg u must hate reading my messages lmao i feel like i always have a lot to say (5/5!!!)  -sjsu    

lemme just say that i don’t hate getting your messages at all ok!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like i have a lot to say especially when the topics are within my interests and girl talking to me abt cringey fanfics, ugly crying over sports anime, & black panther are perfect enough reasons to babble over! i promise!!!!!!!! i look forward to talking to you girl (’:

thank you! i honestly just went out to my friend’s bday dinner yesterday night and chilled at home all day today. i’m supposed to hang with my dad and probably go out driving tomorrow so we’ll see. as of rn, i’m fooling myself into thinking that i’m gonna work on my english paper rn but i’m compromising and telling myself to just find quotes and write my thesis then saving the actually writing for tomorrow. but LMAO I’M GLAD YOU CAN RELATE. I WORRY THAT I’M ALONE ON THIS SOMETIMES. yeah, i detach easily and i don’t mean to but sometimes i prefer to let my mind drift and daydream because it’s so much more interesting than day to day life. buT I GET SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN ANIME OK. I CRIED FOR SEASON TWO ALSO. LIKE OIKAWA WAS SO HARDWORKING AND FUCK WHEN THEY LOST TO THE CROWS I WAS SO SAD BC I HONESTLY WISHED THEY COULD BOTH WIN SOMEHOW. like fuck that anime is good, making us sympathize and love like literally everyone you meet because the biggest antagonist in that damn show is time and how one minor point just fucks everyone over and kjsdhfsjkdhf i love haikyuu!! sooooo much. god

LMAO IT’S OK. i spoil myself a lot with shows and movies bc i’m a big like movie person especially in the MCU and horror cuz i like knowing that what i’m watching is worth all the fuss (this goes for most movies in general) although for black panther i didn’t spoil myself because i could feel it in my gut that it would end my entire existence and guess what it did? ended my entire existence. AND OMG INFINITY WAR SDFSDKJHF I’M SOLELY WATCHING IT FOR T’CHALLA TBH. I NEEDA KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GONNA HAPPEN WITH HIM AND THE REST OF WAKANDA OK. AND OMG IT IS? I LOVE THAT. OK FOR SURE I’M WATCHING IT OK.

i only played an interactive story app abt superheroes and it was so freakin’ cool. now this makes me want to replay it ‘cuz it’s just a trip man. the story line is great and i love the idea of superpowers. and omg that story of yours sounds so cool! like imo a trope / plot can seem “cliche” but how you execute it is what really makes the biggest different! like make me feel!!! make me love and hate your characters!!!!!!!! but yeah, honestly, i’m really starting to disbelieve in my skills at writing multi-part fics bc it’s a STRUGGLE. i write to finish i think. but i’m challenging myself to write series bc i have a few that i reallyyyyyyyyyyy want to write. and holy shit 20k????????? that’s amazing! i’ve only done that like once and i haven’t read it in hella long.

whenever i get around to it (man, i’m starting to get annoyed with myself for using this phrase kjsdhkjfsh), i will most def hit you up!!!!!!!! my first fic was like......... uh.... fuck i can’t even remember but i will admit i did try writing twilight fanfic too. in terms of kpop, my first was this jungkook drabble that i never saved and actually deleted after a few days but another one was this yoongi drabble that i currently have up rn that isn’t too bad. but ok girl telling me, a girl who thrives off structure and a basis, that something is broad is HELL for me. like i really need to think things over and make sure it makes sense and it’s just hard. i struggle but i’m trying.

rjgnkjsgkjsdhfkjshf alright, alright mundane jobs for earth-bound bts:

jin: cafeteria lady (sorry bb), everyone loves him, his station’s the cleanest, and no one hates him like............. at all. not even Boss, who everyone FEARS

yoongi: janitor but not really he doesn’t clean and his boss loves him too much to make him do work

hobi: retail worker bc he will not let any atrocity walk out of the store no matter what, doesn’t need his powers to get anyone to buy anything, makes pouches A Thing

joon: librarian, likes to observe ppl, somehow likes humanity even tho we’re messes (”aren’t we all messes, after all?”)

jimin & tae: delivery boys aka the bats bc they move like they’re coming straight out of hell

jungkook: mcd cashier, hates his job, sometimes gives people melted ice cream bc they looked at him funny

[dreamerology]

my biggest i love monsta x ever!!!!

no offence but if u had told me a year ago that these seven boys would have had this much of an impact on my life and not only that but i still love them as much now as i did on day one (maybe even more) i’d say u were lying. usually my interests come and go in phases and nothing has ever lasted as long as mx???? but i rly truly cannot imagine my life without them at this point. in fact, the 2-3 months at the very beginning of uni where i stopped having time for them and thought i was moving on were the worst of this year (ofc that wasn’t the only reason those months were hard, but feeling like i was falling out of love w mx hurt more than id care to admit). they’ve brought me so much happiness and connected me with so many amazing people and not 2 be cheesy but made me into a better person! like they just continue to have the biggest positive influence in my life and i got the opportunity to meet one of my best friends bc of them, i’ll forever be thankful for them

i know i havent been w mx since the beginnign but!!!! even just seeing shownu grow so much this year has made me sooooo happie!!!!!! i Love how u can just see he’s more comfortable now and seems a lot more at ease……..the fact that hes comfortable enough to host his own solo vlives and no offence but theres not a single thing i dont love abt that man! hes so fucking funny….like its sorta weird humor?? dad humor almost? BUT HES HONESTLY FUNNY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING hes just reached a point where he’s got no filter and will just say whatever and sometimes even the wording will make me laugh dkjfhkjsd the true underrated comedian of the group tbh. hes so selfless too bicht………….i still cant believe he split the money from his solo event w the other members My Heart :-((((((( and when hes on a solo schedule he’s always mentioning the others!!! nd doesnt let anyone forget abt them, they rly are one big family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO HIS SMILE is the cutest shit ive ever seen!!!!! like when he smiles rlllly big nd his eyes crinkle nd he :D and his big “ha ha ha” ,,,,music 2 my ears!!!!!!!! i wish he could be that happy forever. hes the biggest softest teddy bear i just wanna give him a giant hug???

fun fact wonho was the first member i knew abt nd was able to recognize nd such!! my friend who helped me get into mx talked abt him a lot so i grew to love him before i even knew the others!!! actually hes probably still the one i know the most abt bc of her? anyways! angels exist and wonho is living proof of that! his love for mbbs is on a whole other plane of existance???? ive never felt this loved nd appreciated as a fan before nd its all genuine!!!!!. wonho is a monbebebebe first and a monsta second. hes just so full of love….im convinced thats why hes so Large he needs to fit his heart in his body somehow...hes just got so much love to give!!!!!!! he is the most thoughtful and caring person??? like not even towards monbebes and his memebrs but like at the end of mxray when he made sure to buy all the staff and crew little gifts as well, my heart grew 3 sizes for him!!!!!! and im so soo soooooooooooooosososooo proud of him to have some of his songs on the albums this year and not only that but! from zero getting a stage on tv!!!!!! his song!!!! he did that!!!!!! his hard work paid off….i hope he continues to be able to produce more music this year! oh one last thing, i love how? childish he is??? idk if thats the right word but hes always teasing or changing or playing around w the other members and hes always being goofy and laughing and it just makes my heart!!!!! rly happy nd warm

what is there left 2 be said abt minhyuk that i havent already said yet jdfshkjdhf i just! Love Everything abt that boy :-((((((( i love his sunshiney positive personality that never fails to cheer me up, i love how caring he is and how he always makes sure to be there for his members and makes himself open for them, i love his uneven blink, i love how soft his voice is and how it sounds exactly how sunshine looks, i love his fingers go sorta crooked when he makes a peace sign, i love his laugh and how silly he is, i love his thoughtful and serious side, i love how smart he is, i love his toothy smile, i love when hes on stage and he looks so radiant and glowing and u can see how happy he is and how he was truly built to shine, i love his ears, i love how affectionate and loving he is, i love his one (1) dimple, i love how sometimes he just says the weirdest shit…...like i rly wanna understand what hes thinking sometimes, i love how cute he looks wearing hats or how soft he looks in giant sweaters, i love him sooooooo much my heart hurts

can u believe i didn’t used to love kihyun this much? past me was a whole fool! i’ll try to keep this one sorta short too since i’ve already written a love essay for him but! once again i rly do love him w my whole heart!!!!!! absolutely Everything he does is so endearing and i loooove how he cares so much….he rly went and made us our own season's greeting for free nd his photography is rly No Joke! hes so talented nd u can rly see how passionate he is abt it!!!!! it makes me so so happy seeing him talk abt it, like he just lights up its the best thing ive ever seen. i Love his smile!!!! when his face scrunches up and u can see the little dimples on his cheeks and see all his teeth and he laughs and throws his head back or hits whoever’s closest to him or just collapses thats Good Shit!!!!!!!! im so glad he’s happy enough to be able to smile like that!!!!!!! it makes my heart tingle thinking abt him being happy. he rly is the cutest, i love him nd all his beauty marks :D !! nd no offense but hes never had a bad hair colour/style nd thats the tea on that!

chae hyungwon 2018’s lord nd saviour????????? anyways its about Damn Time i write him a love essay :-((((( having both best friends being hyungwon biased ive secretly been converted 2 a whole chaebebe….their love rubbed off on me!!! i love it :D idk where to start...gosh hes seriously so hardworking????? im soooooo so soo so proud of him!!! icb he picked up djing as a hobby nd then made it to a big festival, is on mix and the city and has released not one but two (2) songs only months later!!!!!!!!! we love a talented man!!!!!!! nd his dancing bichksjdfhsdj hes so fluid nd smooth when he dances…...i always find myself watching him first in group practices like there something rly captivating abt him?? please let him show us more of his dancing its So Good. also hes got the nicest voice…...its so deep wtf...but like its So Calming 2 listen to? especially when hes sleepy nd its extra raspy? Good Shit! and when he sings!!!!!!!! bicshjkdfhksdhj hes got one of my fave vocal voices i rly wish he got the lines he deserves :((( hes! So! Cute! jfhsdjfhs he gets embarrassed so easily and always makes the goofiest faces but i love it….he covers his smile sometimes too :-((( i wish he wouldnt its So Bright nd cute nd warm just like he is!!!! hyungwon’s smile is the 8th wonder of the world thats just the facts folks!

mister jooheon……….the true example of the duality of man. i dont understand how he can go from his scaredy cat self to and Actual God,,,blows my mind. i’m pretty sure i’ve said this at least a hundred times but his stage presence is truly Unreal……..its on a whole other level…….ive never seen them live but if i ever do i fear for my life. nd i know once it’s over im only gonna know one (1) man and that man is lee jooheon. but at the same time hes rly The Cutest id trust him w my life???? his eyes are so warm!!!!!! And his Big Smile!!!!!!!!!!! his dimples? deeper than the marianas trench, i wanna build my home in them nd raise my family there. hes such a talented dude!!!! mx don’t have a single bad song thenks jooheon! also for the first couple months i’d alway forget he was one of the youngest? like hes very mature too nd seems very responsible djfhkjsdhfjsd idk how he was the only one 2 be able to keep it together during their first win 2 give the speech…..hes so strong. i love him so much :-( hes so cute nd gentle nd thoughtful...truly the biggest angel who deserves the world!!!!!!!!!!

i think if there's any member i would actually get along best w it would b changkyun. we’re both rly similar from what i can tell...like sorta quiet, but loud around those we’re comfortable with!!! first off hes so funny nd…..weird but like in a good way sdjfhksdjhf sometimes i rly just think he says the first thing that comes to his mind “actually we have a baby” ????? who let him \…..he always makes me laugh reading his fansign notes too omg that being said hes also one of the most serious members at times i feel like. hes just got this rly mature vibe nd he handles things rly well??? idk if that makes sense but Yeah. he’s just someone who’s not rly afraid 2 be themselves, i wish that were me??? ive got so much to learn from them. also icb he literally invented being cute???? he doesn't even have 2 try hes just adorable!!!!!! like his laugh nd smile? The Best!!!!! and when u can see his lil dimples yeahhhhh hes sooo super sweet and cheesy. i looooove how close hes gotten w the other members despite their rough start, they rly are a family nd im glad hes comfortable around them it rly warms my heart!!!!! whenever hes getting showered in love my heart !!!!!!! its what he deserves!

on that note, the one thing i think that has stayed with me more than anything is that one fansign note where ck was asked how he wants to be remembered in the future, when they only occasionally thought abt him and his answer was “that i gave you happiness” and not 2 b a sentimental shit but fuck! i cry every time i think abt that!!!!!!! bc i Know there’s gonna come a day where i don’t think abt them at all! there’s gonna be a day where i won’t think abt them until i see something that jogs my memory and jolts me back to this time and even tho this year has been rough i know i always will remember how much happiness they’ve brought me. i’ll remember how they were able to cheer me up when nothing else worked. i hope one day i’ll be able to feel the Pure Joy i felt when they got their first win….i’ve never felt anything like that before. i cant wait to be able to look back in nostalgia at all the happiness they’ve brought me.

anyways that got real sappy towards the end i gotta blast now bye!

[vengersemble]

hey so as i alluded to @blueblurry and i saw the yugioh movie yesterday in a real movie theater that human people see real movies at. im seeing it again tomorrow with @spontaneouswithinreason and then again, vicariously, the next day, through @daredevans. it’s the greatest cinematic achievement of all time and i want to build a theater that exclusively plays the yugioh movie and nothing else 24/7, forever, until the heat death of the universe. yes i know what my icon is please dont remind me what my icon is. here are some no-spoiler things that are amazing abt the yugioh movie

kaiba is so extremely kaiba in it

‘this is several years post-canon,’ you may think, ‘perhaps kaiba has become............... less kaiba’

you fool. you charlatan. hes back and hes more kaiba than ever

‘if someone who worked for me had invented reality i would have them fired’ thank you. thank you. #relatable. my special boy.

JOEY CONTENT

joey fighting bullies bc he is pure and strong and tru

the villain said something mean to joey at one point and the whole theater let out this shocked, affronted gasp

GOD THESE FUCKS WERE SO AMPED ABT JOEY WHEELER. SAME. SAME. SAME

tea and tristan used in like......... actual appropriate ways

CUTE JOEY-TRISTAN CONTENT?????????? GUYS BEIN DUDES???????????????????????

mai and serenity were conspicuously absent which was the only downside but the clear conclusion is that theyre on their tropical honeymoon together and thats canon until somebody tells me otherwise

a dude sitting directly in front of us screamed ‘MY BOY’ the second that yugi showed up onscreen which was the absolute most #same thing that ever happened to me

hes so good. hes so good. hes the tiniest gentlest gryff imaginable, I KNOW THATS ALWAYS TRUE BUT HE WAS.............. SO GOOD

BAKURA CONTENT

IVE BEEN WANDERING THE DESERT FOR 8000 YEARS IN SEARCH OF THE SWEET WATER OF BAKURA CONTENT AND AT LONG LAST I CAN DIE IN PEACE

duke devlin serving the fucking LOOK OF THE MILLENNIUM

duke devlin is onscreen for 24 seconds and he still manages to set the sartorial standard for 2017 and literally every year to come forever

EVERYONE HAD  LOOKS. BAKURA GETS A NICE PLAID SHIRT?? yugi wears a cute vest. they have CLOTHES like HUMANS

prime prime prime prime prime mokuba content, ive been holding off bc i didnt want to make it the whole post but Y’ALL. Y’ALL. Y’ALL.

there is a Moderate Quantity of mokuba content but it FEELS like way more bc EVERY SINGLE SECOND THAT MOKUBA IS ONSCREEN IS LIKE A BEAM OF LIGHT

mokuba in this movie says my favorite thing that mokuba  has ever, ever said, and one of my favorite things that any character has ever said anywhere

it’s amazing

marik 2: Marik Again

marik 2: Theres A Field W Thirty Ghost Boys

feel free to submit ur own cool nicknames for our cool antagonist, Marik 2: Marik Boogaloo

DOES THAT SOUND MEAN??? I DONT WANT IT TO SOUND MEAN. I LOVE MARIK AND I LOVE THIS ASSHOLE

yugioh and i are gonna need to have a talk abt how many of its antagonists are abuse survivors but. later

IT’S LIKE............... ACTUALLY FUNNY??? LIKE WITH ACTUAL JOKES, LIKE HUMANS WOULD TELL, THAT ARE SELF-AWARE AND UNDERSTATED AND CHARMING??????

the monsters look so fucking cool. u know that comparison post of the eva anime vs rebuild that just shows off how much better the rebuild budget is. imagine that except w dragons

imagine that, and then, everything in it that isnt a dragon, instead imagine it’s a dragon

imagine: dragons

imagine them

the whole Driving Force, u know, the whole, kaiba-yami-yugi thing is............................................ exquisite

i dont wanna get into it too much bc thats probably the most spoiler territory but pls understand i could feast on this content for YEARS and still have more than enough left to sustain me

i love this movie

i want it to win one hundred million oscars

i want it to retroactively win every oscar that has ever been given. cinema is over

it’s so good

[frop]

do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m 

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them 

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later 

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7 

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World -  A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe 

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends 

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out 

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically  Unlovable 

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless 

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao 

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips 

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day 

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar 

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently 

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me 

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already 

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is 

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser 

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire 

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats 

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each 

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying 

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better 

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist 

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy 

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows 

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy 

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,, 

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico 

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat 

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums 

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are 

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any 

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh 

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs 

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea 

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks 

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm 

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put 

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather 

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball 

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon 

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!! 

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise 

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever 

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope 

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon 

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it 

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders 

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it 

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough 

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre 

[beaniebitch69]

I like to be logical, but im also an incredibly emotional man, thats why i feel so much guilt for having emotions. They get in my way routinely, and they impact my thoughts.

My most pronounced emotions are fear and pride. Anyone who knows me knows i overthink literally everything, and that turns into fear of literally everything, to the point where existence itself is solely based on my unadulterated and uncontrollable fear of everything. :(

I may not look or act it, but im really quite prideful (and it doesnt help that i hate authority and know it alls). While i like to have ppl underestimate me, when they do i have to fight the urge to yell at how dumb they r for daring to assume that i couldnt do anything on this bitch of an earth. But i bite my tongue, bc fear isnt far behind. And i start to think abt all the ways i could/would screw up so i let them do it, bc if they screw its ok cus everyone makes mistakes but if i screw up then im disgusting and should be better than i am.

Pride is also the primary reason why i dont ask for help, "i should know this", "ive got this", "just have to try it on my own 20 thousand more times by myself", "oh im too smart to practice, i already got it down", "if i ask for help then im admitting weakness and im too good to be weak" are all super common thoughts that float thru my head all of the time when im struggling. My most commons ones r "top 10 times u showed how pathetically weak and awful u r", "10 times u lied abt a fake vulnerability so u wouldnt have to share what was really eating u up", and "top 10 times u told only a little of something really serious so u could remain in control of the situation and not have them become actually worried about ur well being bc sincerity of that caliber is the one thing that will melt ur facade and make u have to come to terms with the fact that a life filled with the way that ur currently living and thinking is not a life worth living and u need to change"

Meanwhile fear just adds another layer to the do not share pile. Sharing x is too much, doing y will ruin ur life, having z will make everyone hate u and desert u bc u deserve it. Too much thinking leaves a man inert but i cant stop, i must weigh all avenues of action and inaction and pros and cons and the beginning and the end and even the journey in and of itself must not escape my scrupulous gaze for if i miss even a single pebble then i might mess up something so inconceivably awful that it ruins me and the ppl around me, physically and mentally and in every way that matters and in every way that doesnt congruently, forever in the twisting maw that is and always will be.

The 2 just piggyback on each other, and lord forbid if i do something without thinking first (hell even if i do think), bc then ill regret it. Forever. It either put me in a bad light, or i bet ppl hate it; which sound like one and the same but trust me, theyr not. Example: i give a presentation but i dont know what im doing and make a fool of myself; my pride is the emotion to react to situation like that bc i didnt waste any of their time bc everyone was giving presentations and mine was short but now they think im an idiot.

Im not in a bad place rn, just bored and decided to psychoanalyze myself bc if my rival wont do it b4 i read him (correctly might i add) as a way to gain some semblance of control and dignity back (and he knows that) and then after the forced vulnerability we shared together we hate makeout then ill just do it myself.

[kayjscage]

Disclaimer: this is written entirely from my own personal fandom experience. And I'm a leech. I only produce like 2 fics a year, if that, but most of my time is spent reblogging other ppls work. So my experiences are very limited. This is just my perception of fandom, which is probably super far off from what it actually is. Don't take any of this personally.

(And I'm purposefully leaving out discussion of memes. I know memes are an important part of any tumblr community. But memes are not a fandom exclusive thing. So they're not gonna be counted here.)

Anyway.

Listen man.

It's so hard for me to get into fandoms for LAC (live action content)

Like I loved Spn. Been a while since I caught up with the episodes but I liked it well enough. I love the MCU. I'm getting into Lucifer. The source content is great/cool/fine but the fandoms do nothing for me, art-wise. It's not the quality in question. Ppl make pretty fanart of live-action stuff. But it's not good enough for me.

I can only actually give a fuck abt the fandoms of C/A (cartoon and anime) bc like. The fan art is just different. Not inherently better or higher-quality. It's not that. It's just that the fan artists for LAC make a different type art for their shows than weebs do for their C/A

Like weeb artists doodle and sketch and put out art content at hyper speed with big detailed pieces once a month/every couple of months. Based on my experiences LAC fanartists seem to do big art pieces every now and again but most fan content for LAC comes in the form of fanfic, edits, and gifsets.

And I just dont give a fuck abt those last two. Stream endless pics of varying style right into my brain at a speed fast enough to break the sound barrier. I dont wanna look at gif sets. I saw that stuff in the show. If I wanted to see it again I'd just rewatch the episode/whole show. I get that C/A fandoms also do this but not as often as LAC fandom, in my experience.

Like LAC fandoms just do art differently than C/A and maybe it's bc C/A fandom has source content that is already art so it's easier for it to be art based. But like? Why do only C/A fanartists make thousands of fanart pieces and LAC fanartists don't?

Do you have any idea how much more fun it would be to be in LAC fandoms if there were more sketchy/doodley/scribbley art? That artists just kept pumping out day after day after day? It feels like for every one piece of LAC fanart there are 20 pieces of C/A fanart to rival it. Going into the tag for a LA show yields sooooo little fanart compared to the tag for C/A which is almost 70% art.

And listen. I've got ADHD. The kind that makes reading a bitch. A chore. I have to save up so much energy just to read a one shot or one chapter. And that's only if it's under a certain word limit. Just looking at a word limit of 8k or more makes me need to take a nap. I would love to read more fic. Fic is awesome. My brain won't fucking let me. It only cares abt visuals. So a fandom that is 60% fic (something I can rarely do), 30% gifsets and edits (something I dont care abt), and only 10% fanart (the good shit I come to fandom for) is just. Boring.

Whereas C/A fandom is like pretty equal on the fic to art ratio, if not more art heavy. Which is great. I can get what I need from C/A fandoms.

Just. All in all. Can LAC fandoms plz. Just. Do art the way C/A fandoms do. I remember the days of deviantART when LAC was given the anime treatment. Bring it back. Plz. For my ADHD having ass.

(Another note. I do not expect this to get popular cuz I only have like 30 followers, most of which I think are inactive now. But if it does. Somehow. Plz dont discourse here. There's no discourse to be found. You would literally be pulling shit out of your ass and making something out of nothing. There is no hill to die on. This is a field smoother than a flatline on the heart monitor of a dead person. I am not dissing on LAC fandoms. I'm saying that C/A fandoms provide for me what LAC fandoms never have been able to. Which is not an insult. Every time I go into the tag for a LA series/ship from a LA series it's mostly fic or gifsets/edits. And I just. Can't. Do that. I can't read fic bc my brain hates me and gifsets are boring to me. None of this is meant to be insulting. It's just my personal experience with fandom. Maybe I just don't follow the right ppl. Maybe I'm using the wrong search words/tags. I dunno. Anyway, there is no discourse here.)

(Look at me making a fool out of myself by pleading with no one bc that's who's gonna see or care abt this dumb post lmao)

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.