#dont ask about the shading i just bullshit my way through it

[holysheithyall]

freddys unused lines gave me ideas

[mochiiniko]

follow up to this ask! this time im just gonna be talking about my coloring process (i also want to let you all know that im not an expert in color theory since im still learning, im quite literally just going random bullshit go on the blending modes 💀 lots of explanation under the cut)

the three blending modes i mainly use are exclusion, hard light, and overlay. from the guide above you could see how the blending modes work on their own, and how they look like combined altogether. the cool thing about blending mode layers is that it really is all about experimentation and finding the best combination for a piece (also to any fellow inabakumori enjoyers GRAHH lagtrain pose jumpscare)

i went through a bunch of blending mode phases before i ended up with those main three, though it's funny how ive been using the same overlay color for about 4 years now (multiply used to be one of them, and i still use it from time to time, just not as much). im gonna be honest the whole reason why i know about blending modes being helpful was because one time i accidentally had the fill bucket on and had a certified eureka moment 😭

the best way i could explain these three modes is:

exclusion - honestly i still dont understand how it works either 💀 when i use a really saturated blue color and lower the opacity, it gives a cooler feeling to the palette. feels like a mix of multiply and overlay with how it adjusts the colors without making it darker

hard light - gives more saturation and color

overlay - gives off a glowy effect, especially if the lineart isnt completely solid (this is why it isnt clipped on the folder as shown in the example below, keeping it above the layers gets that glowy effect)

i still use the same colors for exclusion and overlay (while i do alter them with hue saturation brightness from time to time, i just use the same blue and brown for most of my works) though hard light is what i use to make drawings lean towards a temperature

i tend to use warm colors a lot because i think theyre neat and also im biased sorry <3. as a warm palette example, i drew yinu and used this orange color on hard light and lowered the opacity

cold colors have a similar process, it's just the matter of adjusting the hard light layer. i wouldnt really say it's completely cold since i still add warm colors because im still biased </3. as a cold palette example, i drew sayu and used this purple-pink (??) color with the same settings

when it comes to drawings that have characters with contrasting palettes, it does take a bit of trial and error but i most of the time i mix both warm and cold methods like the example above. this also helps for art with several characters in general, since the blending modes help make the colors go well together despite the variety

theres also instances where i dont always use the warm + cold combo, since sometimes drawings lean towards a specific temperature instead (like environments with set lighting/shading, so usually i follow that even with characters with different palettes)

tldr; there are lots of palette combos you could make, not necessarily with just the three blending modes i mention. random bullshit go genuinely helps with experimenting with colors!!

[daedalusdavinci]

29

29. Favourite fanfiction(s) of your ship(s)?

you may not know this already, but i have a recs tag where i post exactly this in depth! but i LOVE to boost my favorite fics, so ill do it all again, just for you anon <3 if you want more recs for any of these ships, i promise there are TONS in that tag, (or you can send me another ask for something more specific,) but ill stick to just my absolute top reads in this post

my favorite fanfictions of my favorite (homestuck) ships

starting under the cut bc it got long slkdjnfsjdfn

for halquius, the funniest hs ship-

Second Chances by @mtjester

Lil Hal never said anything about what it meant to be the AI avatar of the God of Heart. After he and Equius had split, everyone had assumed he would go back to Dirk and serve as a sort of spirit companion, the hyper-perceptive Shades of the God of Heart. But to that, he had simply responded, “Nah.” He stayed firmly on Equius’s face, and Equius asked him no questions about it.

this fic is so in character. it captures some of my favorite things about this ship, like how obnoxious they are and the very specific ways they click and enable each other. it also has an absolutely fantastic sequel! its short and funny, and always the first rec i drop for this specific ship.

(the second rec i would drop is my own fic, Hold Me (Accountable). its a space au with mechanic!equius and bounty hunter!AR, and i maintain that its hilarious and a must read if you like this ship at all.)

my resident favorite ship, eridave-

Lee Shore by @jumpingjacktrash

“I asked Egbert to ask you if you have Ampora’s new contact information.” “No, man, I didn’t even know the old info was old. How can you not have a contact for him? It’s not like he changed his chumhandle, email, and phone number all at once.” “As a matter of fact, that is apparently exactly what he did. And deleted his Facebook and his photo blog.” “Dramariffic.” In the years after the game, the twelve trolls and eight humans have tried to stick together, because no one else would understand. When Eridan misses one of their yearly reunions, Dave makes an impulsive decision to go find him.

ive said it before, and ill say it again. this is THE eridave fic. this is the one. if you only ever read one (and its not one of mine), it should be this one. i love how dave takes eridan seriously without enabling him, and how easily they both cut through each others bullshit. the handling of eridans character is DELICIOUS, and i literally think about his relationships with the other trolls in this fic all the time. i dont even know how many times ive read this fic but it goes so hard.

davekat, the classic-

Fait Accompli(cation) by @dragonomatopoeia on tumblr

In Which a Mutant and an Alien Meander Towards a Quadrant of Indeterminate Identity at a Glacial Pace While Examining the Internalized Toxicity Perpetuated by Their Respective Societies, and The Nature of Friendship is Determined to Be More Universal Than Originally Theorized [Banned In Alternia]

this is the quintessential meteor fic. its everything you could ever want in a meteorfic, and deals very heavily with karkat and dave unpacking toxic cultural ideas from their respective planets and coming to a new understanding of who they want to be together. its long, its slowburn, its everything, and the authors put SO much obvious effort and research into getting the voices just right, i still think about and admire it years and years later.

The Eurydice Suite, v2.0 by @callmearcturus

Dream-sharing: a highly illegal little industry in which agents delve into people’s dreams, and unearth their deepest secrets and memories. Within this business, the Strider-Lalondes are known as the best there is — until Dirk Strider gets his fool-ass trapped within the confines of his own subconscious, with his Auto-Responder playing malicious prison warden. To save him, the best and brightest dreamers in the world will have to form a team. Backed by the token rich friend, lead by the surliest extractor ever bribed out of retirement, haunted by the shade of the latest, greatest agent in the biz, and on the run through a dangerous tiered dream in a hostile mind… It’s going to take a miracle to pull this one off.

arc doesnt need any publicity from me, bigname that they are, but i gotta say of all of their fics this one is one i still come back to and reread from time to time all these years later. the au is really cool, and the drama is potent. karkat and dave have a very loaded and complicated, vaguely antagonistic relationship that takes time to get resolved, and you dont see that very often in davekat fics!

davekat, the superior-

Crash Standing by @asukaskerian

It’s been eight days since the end of Sburb and Davesprite is not coping especially well.

IVE SAID IT BEFORE ILL SAY IT AGAIN. BEST. HOMESTUCK FIC. dont look at how many times ive read this dont worry about it. davespritekat is just better than davekat, okay? im sorry. everything is better w davesprite. if youre a davesprite fan i dont even have to say anything else you already know youve gotta read this, but for people who arent- dude, this fic. its such a poignant snapshot of the awkwardness of teenagerdom, especially as a very traumatized teen, and the interpersonal relationships between characters outside of the main two are just so delightful. the john&dave&davesprite dynamic is one i think about constantly, and me and my friend STILL have running jokes about davesprite co< kanaya, which is perhaps the greatest thing to ever be invented, and we have fully incorporated the phrase "sparkle princess alone time" into our day to day vocabulary. i LOVE the gossip chumps, they are everything to me. underrated friendship.

another classic age ship, johndave-

play ball! by spacepuck

When Dave moves to Washington, he expects to spend the summer alone in his room until school starts. But when he stumbles on the sandlot, he discovers a baseball team needing one more player. He quickly gets dragged into the mix, but there's just one problem: he knows absolute dicksquat about the game. Luckily, John, the high school's best baseball player, swoops in to help. (this is basically a sandlot/baseball au. happy summer!)

ive actually been meaning to reread this one, since its been a long time. im adding it to my marked for later rn. i think of all the johndave fics i ever read, this is the one i think about the most years later. ive never read a fic that just. FELT like summer the way this one does. its intimate and sweet and its got the exact feeling of a hot summer night, lying in the grass and staring up at the stars with your best friend. when i read a johndave fic, i want some real fuckin falling in love with your friend as a stupid kid shit, and this is that

dirkjohn-

Vanitas Vanitatum by @oxfordroulette

You've determined the hobbies of the monarch you serve are as follows: 1. Ill-timed pranks. 2. Cooking. 3. Subconsciously pulling elaborate political schemes off perfectly, ad infinitum, every one of which inches his mind closer to some ineffable dark chasm you're curious to find the depth of. Anyway, he makes damn good lasagna.

when i tell you this is the best dirkjohn fic i mean nothing else has ever even COMPARED, and that includes my own goddamn fic. fuck ammfh, read THIS. its political intrigue and messy, MESSY relationships, and a john who is an absolute delightful trickster with serious fucking PROBLEMS. the john/vriska/dirk friendship in this is everything, and the design of the strilondes is so fucking cool??? im ngl i think about those blindfolds everyyy time i make an au. its magic, its kingdomstuck, its dnd, its got illustrations, its EVERYTHING. oxfordRoulette is like a fucking professional at writing fics where everyone kind of sucks and is super toxic and a little bit evil and its THE BEST. LOVE this fic

for bropsii-

just read anything by captorvatiing. just go do that. or read the entirety of the @askpsii blog again?? for the ten millionth time? and cry about how theres like no content.

all of my other favorite ships are too niche to have fics </3 lol. read MY fics, thats what you should do. just go read the fics for the tags that i personally started sldkjfnsdlfsdf

ALSO YOU SHOULD READ LET'S BE OUTCASTS BY @curlicuecal. this is the only time ill ever recommend anything thats incomplete but GOD ITS SO GOOD. i wont say anything else. just that its SO. GOOD. and if you like hal or the exiles you will LOVE this

[mattphobiia]

OPPOSITES ATTRACT 4.

chris and i have definitely done a lot of talking, and although we still have our bullying moments, we act slightly civil to each other more and i think i like it this way. no matter what i do to distract myself, i always seem to think about that one day where chris had tears in his eyes, and it broke my heart to see him so upset. i didn't even mean to, we've always been "enemies" so why would it affect him that much? i didn't have a clue what was going on so ive had conversations with matt and nick to see if they had any idea of what could've been going on, but they just about knew the same information as me. he had always hated me as much as i hated him, i think. what was different now?

in this current moment, matt and nick were chilling on instagram with some supporters while chris and i were in his room watching youtube. like last time, he still laid his head on my chest practically trying to get as close to me as he physically could. the confusing part about this situation was that i didn't even mind he was doing this, it felt strange at first but some part felt oddly comforting.

"can... we talk?" chris speaks up, lifting his head before sitting up properly while waiting for my response. i nod my head in response before i sit up. "i think i like you, i don't even know how."

"oh?"

"im sorry if this feels weird because we've hated each other for so long, but after that night we kissed i just couldn't stop thinking about how i felt in that moment."

i begin to smile as i reach out to hold his hand. "well, opposites attract you know, why not give this a go?"

"im just not sure, it just feels so strange to me and ive never felt this way before." he sighs. "-but, i would like to try this out."

"okay, well we can take things slowly, right?" i suggest, and his facial expression seems to light up at the thought.

"mhm." he murmurs tiredly before leaning closer towards me and giving me a soft kiss on my cheek, making my heart fucking leave my body.

i could've sworn that if i didn't have any self respect, i would've pounced on this man and done the most questionable things to him possible, but i try to calm myself down.

"your face is turning red, you like that?" he smirks before i hide my face into my hands trying to hide my big smile, making him laugh as he took my hands away and held my face gently. "dont get shy, its okay."

"stop, you're turning me on chris."

"how cute, are you seriously getting worked up over something so little?" he cooed, making my burn a light shade of red as i hit his arm. "well that was rude."

"don't care." i reply with no emotion, biting my cheek to stop my smile forming, until he jumped onto me and pinned my arms behind my head, his face inches away from mine.

"do you care now?" he whispers, our noses now touching together as i felt my heart pounding in my chest so much i could basically hear it.

"stop asking so many questions." i say, pressing my lips against his before feeling his warm breath on my face as he leaned into the kiss.

it felt surreal, almost euphoric. it felt like that first time you ever experienced lucid dreaming. nothing about this kiss felt real, but it felt like the best thing in my life i have ever gone through, and every part of his bullshit i had to deal with before this current moment was all worth it. it wasn't a sexual kiss like the ones you have as a build up before you have sex, but it felt sweet and genuine, almost sensual. he broke away before his face was back to being close with mine, the both of us just admiring our faces in silence before he lets out a little giggle.

"can i be your boyfriend?" he continues, one of his hands releasing his grip as it switches over to my face, his thumb resting on the bottom of my lip as he awaits for an answer.

"is the sky blue?"

"wh-"

"just answer."

"yes?"

"then there's your answer idiot, of course you can!" i squeal, pulling him back into another kiss before we swap places and i lay on top of him as he holds tightly onto my waist.

"oh, i love you so much." chris sighs, kissing me repeatedly all over my face as i try to escape from him.

"calm down chris! i love you too." i scream, holding tightly onto his face before trying to back away.

"mmh, you still smell nice. are you wearing vanilla?" he suddenly stops and questions, beginning to sniff me like a weirdo which made me giggle.

"i am! how do you recognise that?" i say, looking at him with a feeling of happiness.

"well, that day in summer when us and matt were hanging out at the beach and we ordered ice cream, i thought in my head that it smelt of you."

i stay frozen in shock, why was that actually so adorable? i felt another smile on my face, which made my cheeks begin to ache as i latched my arms tightly onto him and pulled him into a hug.

"wait chris- thats so cute... you're so cute!" i almost scream, tears forming in my eyes as i plant a big kiss onto his cheek as he smiled softly.

"well, you're cuter. but stop crying!" he whines, holding my face as he wiped away the couple tears that rolled down my cheek.

"it's happy tears, dont worry." i laugh, chris nuzzling his face into my shoulder trying to comfort me.

after all these years of resentment, we finally now got along. all of these arguments, bullying, and unnecessary comments felt so worth it. i was now in the comfort of chris' arms, with my head on his chest, and wrapped in the warmth of his embrace. it felt like all my worries just melted away, and i had nothing to worry about here.

MASTERLIST / P1 , P2 , P3

a/n: hi guyyyys😜 this is the last part since i have no ideas, BUT i am working on something new and i feel like i should have a schedule for when i post but like work is tough so i write and post whenever i can, lately ive been posting more because ive had alot of days off recently or my days have been restricted down to half🤗🤗🤗 and i just have alot of motivation rn so i need to try grow my account BUT ILY ALL SMMMMMM🤍 also lmk if i should write some smut bc my page seems a lil boring and im in one of those silly moods lol

tl: @st7rnioioss

[zoyajournals]

If I were to make a montage of myself,

It'd choose the darker shades.

A temporary fling once described my soul in three adjectives.

untamed, unbinded, fearless.

He must've been wrong about the fearlessness.

and I wasn't a rebel exactly.

But having my father's influences,

I just couldn't stop but question things of authority, societal norms, religion.

Wouldn't we just be a bunch of fools, otherwise following the footsteps of other fools if we don't question?

My rebelion was just in existing by letting my inner voice have the say for me when clustered polyphonic voices kept echoing simultaneously and I chose mine.

I was self destructive in ways, slept less, worked more, smoked heavily, refusing to to let go of the artist within me,

but every night when I sat to write, I felt peace and that was enough. I didn't want happiness.

I have loved, passionately. But I walked away when that love became a suffocation and it was hard to breathe.

I could not stop but burst out with polite sarcasms at family dinners for sheer misogynism

I couldnt agree that being an elderly but a misogynistic prick gave anybody the respect card, forget wisdom.

I avoid being in family groups, hence.

I'm fiery according to some. And no, I don't take bullshit. I don't cry over some dumb guy breaking my heart. I don't take calls most of the times and leave messages on read for days.

I'm perfectly as flawed,

so I dont give my peers advises, unless asked for.

I don't demand respect when I haven't earned it.

I try not to judge someone for just existing, harmlessly when I realised that, everyone gave advises, but how many tried to understand you?

I'm not self loathing in a victim mentality, but I was unfucking myself from years of misogyny and sexism that school and society had instilled into me.

I treated my body like a temple, but refused to keep my honour in between my thighs.

My light was the surface,

but I was embracing my shadows, my darkness, my sensuousness, lust, my traumas, unprocessed emotions from the past.

I stopped concealing tough emotions behind some fake positivity bullshit run by capitalistic agendas and prioritized rest.

I stopped faking smiles and orgasms.

I decided I'd show up as myself, everyday, whether people liked it or not. Whether I was accepted or not.  I decided not to be a hypocrite in return, but If I couldn't accept someone for who they were, I distanced myself.

I didn't want to be a woman of

culture, purity, innocence and niceness.

I wanted to be wild, run barefeet, free, untamed, unbinded. I wanted to say "fuck", get angry, talk back,  stand up for the things I believed in. I wanted to love and be loved, choose the wrong ones  sometimes, make mistakes. I wanted to feel the waves crashing through, I wanted to sleep under the stars at quiet beaches and wake up a different view the next day. I wanted a tiny house in the mountains, I wanted to perform my songs at tiny cafes. I wanted to write, read as much as I can, trip on a psychedelic drug on a rainy Monday, sip ginger tea in the midnights. I wanted to do things that broadened my horizons. I wanted to live. I wanted to keep my family and friends close,

but most importantly, I wanted my choices to be mine, my mistakes to be my responsibility and nobody else's.

I wanted to dance to the beat of my own drum in a world of sheeps. That shall be my loudest form of rebellion.

[rayshippouuchiha]

Pro hero Deku is asked a lot if questions about his love life (no he's not dating kacchan, no he's not dating shouto, no he's not dating ochako she's married what the hell) and at some point he decides to get himself a boyfriend just for it to stop. Fake ofc, but no one needs to know that. He just wants some peace and quiet.

But of course the questions dont stop, if anything they're starting to get worse, only his mom seemed so happy that hes dating someone and now he's committed damn it, and the stories keeps getting more elaborate and like, maybe this was a bad idea but he's in too deep.

And he's also sort of growing attached to his fictional boyfriend, cause he seems like a cool and competent dude, izuku would not mind dating him if, you know, he actually existed.

Plot twist: hizashi is always one to stay on top of hero news, he loves and lives vicariously through gossip with nemuri any chance be gets, so he definitely keeps track of all the clues deku gives about his secret boyfriend (bc the nr 1 hero having a secret boyfriend is Grade A Gossip, and hizashi is intrigued and yearns to know more) and it's all fun and games until hizashi starts to grow suspicious that he KNOWS this secret boyfriend, that he is BEST FRIENDS with this secret boyfriend, and why the hell hasn't shouta told hizashi personally??? How dare???

Oh oh yes yes this is perfect.

And it gets even better because of course Hizashi is gonna confront Shouta. Of course he is. Shouta’s breaking some sacred best friend rules by not telling him that he’s been dating the #1.  Like, Hizashi understands the want/need for some level of privacy, really he does, but surely he should be exempt from that. Bro Law and everything.

So of course this means Shouta gets a phone call at like 5 in the afternoon when he’s actually trying to get some sleep.

“SHOOOUUTTTAAAA,” Hizashi screeches down the line so loudly that, even though he’s laying down alone in his own apartment, Shouta can’t help the way his quirk activates on instinct.

“What.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL MEEEE?” Hizashi sobs dramatically down the line.

“Probably because you always act like this,” Shouta huffs. “But I also have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m your best friend,” Hizashi prattles on.  “You could have at least told me, I can keep a secret you know?  I wouldn’t have told anyone, probably.”

“Hizashi,” Shouta breaks in.  “What. Are. You. Talking. About?”

“You’re Deku’s secret boyfriend!!” Hizashi announces victoriously. 

Shouta pulls his phone back enough to stare at the screen for a moment, brows furrowed, before he brings it back to his ear.

“Have you been kidnapped?” he practically barks the question out.

“W-What?” Hizashi sputters.  “NO! Sho what the hell?”

“What’s your safe word?” Shouta demands.

“Meatloaf,” Hizashi replies instantly. “Wh-”

“Are you trapped, currently bleeding out, injured, or in need of backup?” Shouta spits the questions out rapid fire.

“No, no, no, and no,” Hizashi answers back just as quickly. “I’m perfectly fine and at home, just wondering why my best friend hasn’t told me about his secret affair -”

Shouta hangs up.

Hizashi’s in no danger which means he doesn’t have to humor his ridiculous bullshit right now when he could be taking a nap.

His phone rings for the next ten minutes straight before Trash comes toddling into the room and curls up on top of it to go to sleep.

~~~

It doesn’t end there. Because of course it doesn’t.

Hizashi keeps badgering him about his supposed love affair with Deku of all people, the #1 hero Shouta’s never even met in person before.

Mainly he ignores Hizashi whenever he starts in on the topic or tries to badger him for detail that don’t exist.

But then...

Then it comes to a bit of a head when Shouta gets dragged out for drinks with Hizashi, Nemuri, and Tensei like they normally try to do every other week or so if possible.

Only this time they’re not the only pros at the dive bar they end up at.

Because Joke is there, because of course she is, because the universe officially hates Shouta.

Joke is an excellent hero, a good teacher from what he’s heard, and overall a nice person but Shouta only has enough spoons for a select group of people in his social life and sometimes even that’s pushing it.

Joke with her constant laughing, her attempts at comedy without her quirk involved, and her insistent need to constantly hit on Shouta is someone who drains him faster than should be possible.

Only this time it’s different.

They’re a few drinks in when Joke tries to slide her way into the booth beside him, a grin already stretching her mouth.

And while normally the others would just laugh and smirk and leave Shouta to suffer, this time Hizashi steps in.

“Yeah, no,” Hizashi slides the drinks he’d gone to collect onto the table and then shimmies his way in between Joke and the booth to steal the seat right beside Shouta instead.  “Seats taken.”

“Awwww,” Joke pouts, “don’t be like that.  Why’re you trying to get in the way of me and Eraser’s love story?”

"Find someone new to hit on, sweetheart,” Hizashi tips a look at her over his shades.  “Nemuri’s always free you know? Our Shouta’s a taken man now.”

There’s a sort of collective spit take around the table.

“What?” Nemuri croaks from where she’s trying to clean what looks like cream off of her face.  “Are you two ...?”

“Oh no, not us, we’ve told you that before.” Hizashi waves a hand in front of him with the ease of an argument they’ve all had more than once over the years.

“Then?” Tensei prompts.

Hizashi leans forward across the table, expression turning sly and secretive, the rest of the group leaning in as well, anticipation practically wafting off of them.

And Shouta immediately knows where this is about to go.

“Our Sho’s been keeping secrets,” Hizashi sing-songs.  “But honestly I can’t believe it took me so long to put it together when the clues were right there.”

“Get on with it man,” Nemuri orders.

“Our unkempt goblin friend is dating none other than the adorable and stacked force of nature that is our #1 hero Deku,” Hizashi throws his hands up in a ta-da sort of gesture.

For a long moment there’s silence.

And then every head at the table swings in Shouta’s direction all at once.

For a split second Shouta debates on nipping it in the bud, putting an end to this ridiculousness once and for all.  But then he stops, thinks about it, flicks a look towards Joke and quickly runs through the list of advantages having a fake SO could provide him with, and immediately course corrects.

“It’s a secret,” Shouta deadpans.  “We’re deeply in love.  Tell no one.”

Which, of course, means that by the time Shouta rolls out of bed the next afternoon everyone knows.

[the-preferred-one]

The Right Dom (for you)

(This is my first blog ever so apologies in advance for any mistakes)

Okay, so you watched 50 Shades or some hardcore porn or read some BDSM erotica and that got you tingling down there, now you want a Dom. Fantastic! You started googling sites, communities and places where you can find like minded people and hoping to find a Dom.

Your wishes come true & you meet someone who tells you ‘he is a “dom”’ and lo and behold you start to act little submissive calling ‘sir’, ‘master’ and “acting dumb”, trying hard to recall the behaviour you saw or read in your last movie or article all just so he can accept you as a Sub.

Ladies, I implore you, please stop behaving like this. This is a sure shot way to land into the hands of an abuser than a Dom

I have seen this behaviour tons of times and I am so fed up with this, hence the reason for this blog.

Before you jump into DS Relationship or any BDSM Relationship for that matter, be absolutely clear on few things.

Yourself

BDSM

Your ideal Dom/Partner

Ok, now how to do that? Obviously I wont be spending time writing about it & not tell you how you do above things when I can clearly spend time on something more productive .

Before we move forward, a quick disclaimer: Thoughts and advices shared in this and all subsequent articles are subjective. I am not a professional BDSM expert. Use your own head, think for yourself what is and what is not applicable to you before accepting/implementing them. I am not liable for any of your loss. In short, don’t be a dumbass.

Now, thats out of the way, lets move forward...

Lets focus on You

First and foremost thing is be clear on what do you need and why do you need it. Do you really need a dom or do you just need to be fucked hard in the bedroom(or wherever and whenever you desire).

If its the later case then don’t even bother getting into BDSM, find a kinky guy and get nasty.

If you think its former but you are unsure, here is a quick test:

Do you often adjust your behaviour (whether you like it or not) to suit others?

Do you depend on others (even though you can be/are independent)?

Do you often help/serve others even though they take advantage of you?

If you nod yes to above questions then you can consider yourself in the former category. Above questions are by no means the sure shot way of knowing but it can give you a general idea of where your personality might lie

There are still far too many factors to consider and to look out for but thats for another time

Lets bring our attention on BDSM

LEARN LEARN LEARN.

Know what you are getting into. Don’t expect dom to teach you everything, you’ll be surprised how many doms don’t know jackshit about BDSM. There are far too many wannabeas than authentic doms so be aware, be alert & be prepared.

Know where you fall or you think you might fall, you can obviously test & experiment with your dom but dont label yourself as a sub/slave/maso/sado etc. No one belongs in just one category.

Learning about BDSM will save you tons of heartache, body ache, time & energy. BDSM is hard!!!! So be sure if it is something you need

About your Partner

Unfortunately BDSM space is filled with wannabes and fake Doms, so how do you find the right one? You do just one thing

Test Test Test

The best way to filter through any bullshit is through asking tons of questions. The trick is to ask right kind of questions.

Some of the categories that you should include

Their experience - online (if there is such thing) & offline

Knowledge about BDSM (your knowledge about the subject will come in handy here)

Knowledge about emotional intelligence - this is by far the most important and most neglected topic of any BDSM relationship

Knowledge about scenes & safety

Situation related

I’ll soon post questionaries

Till then 🤟

A

[lucyjay]

Wrote this while waiting for my flight to depart. It’s also my second ever one shot, so excuse my possibly horrible writing. Peace.

Warnings: sexual content, unprotected sex (stay safe fellahs), touching, fingering, swearing, mentions of alcohol consumption, crying, slight self image issues, fb2lovers

Love me - Christopher Bang/Bang Chan (SKZ)

Too bitter.You whisper to yourself after tasting the almost black tea you made in an effort to calm your nerves. Since the performance finished, you haven’t stopped thinking about Chris. You pray he won’t start blaming himself for messing up two steps from the choreo, but you know he will.

You’re not supposed to care about Chris in this depth, but you do. Your “relationship” started a few months ago, when you two locked eyes at a photography exhibition of a mutual friend and you clicked straight away. You knew you couldn’t be together; him being an idol and you trying to make a name for yourself after landing your dream job as a prosecutor. His world just didn’t allow the ‘gf/bf’ kinda thing and you didn’t want to push. You were just fuck bodies, there for each other when you needed to get off even have a talk sometimes, but that’s where you drew the line. Were you in love with him? Hell yes. How could you not be? But after weeks of overthinking about it, you concluded to not say anything to him because that would break rule 4 and consequently your ’relationship’. My heart is still safe, you thought to yourself, sipping your now sugar busted tea. ‘Ew, too sweet’, you give up placing the mug in the sink.

You were about to make your way back in the living room, when you heard a knock on your door. It wasn’t too late, but you weren’t expecting anyone. You curse at yourself for not insisting on having a peephole, but your landlord woulnd’t bother replacing your door with a new one. The moment you open it, your eyes land on Chris’s face. His eyes watery, his chest moving up and down as if he was running, smudged eye make up and messy hair. He is not ok.

“Chris, wha-..”, you dont manage to finish your sentence when you feel his strong hands cupping your cheeks and his lips on yours. He steps inside your flat, shutting the door closed with his leg, never breaking the kiss. His body is towering over yours even though you’re almost the same height, but he feels so needy, so intense. You place your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss, your tongue now exploring the inside of his mouth. He moans into the kiss before parting his soft lips from yours to take a breath.

“I need you”, his voice is a whisper. Only now you can smell the soju in his breath. Not too much, but he certainly has had a couple drinks.

“What’s wrong Chris?Tell me”, your left hand now stroking his cheek, your eyes searching his honey brown ones trying to find a hint, anything that will explain his current state.

“I’m not ok, Y/N, I’m sad and stressed and i do everything wrong, I can’t focus and I’m scared, I’m scared that if i keep being like this I will end up like before...I-I can’t, I can’t do this..”, his voice fades as he bursts into tears, resting his head in the small of your neck. You have no idea where this is coming from, you have no idea what to do or how to handle him being like this but you know that you can’t stand seeing him in this way. You curse at yourself for not allowing both of you to have deeper conversations, to get to know each other better. Had you done so, you would probably understand better what he is talking about.

You pat his back and slowly caress his hair with your left hand. You can feel him calming down as he tries to wipe a few tears off of his face. You look at his beautiful eyes and sigh.

“If it’s about the mistake you made at the performance, it was nothing. You were so good, no one would care-..”, he shakes his head nodding you to stop.

“Don’t. Don’t give me the same bullshit excuses everyone does. I am not good enough. I fuck up everything. I act like I have everything under control but I don’t”. His gaze is strong, never leaving your face and you can see the hurt in his features.

“What can I do? I can’t stand seeing you like this, tell me what I can do”, tears pooling in your eyes now. His face relaxes and he gives you a weak smile.

“I don’t want sex. I want love. I want to feel you. Please”. His hands are one back on the side of your cheek and one lifting you up motioning you to jump and hug his waist with your legs. You do so and he starts walking the two of you towards your room.

He walks in and after a couple steps you feel your back touching your soft mattress. He stares down at you, his eyes red from all the crying and slowly takes off his shirt. Then his trousers and underwear follow and you feel your cheeks being painted a light shade of pink as if it’s the first time you see him naked. He is so gorgeous, how could you ever get used to this?

In complete silence he reaches out to remove your sweatpants and underwear at once. You lift you lower half to help him do so and you grab your shirt, taking it off, leaving your body completely naked under his gaze. He stares at you as if you’re the first woman he has ever seen naked in real life.

“Beautiful”, he mumbles and lays his body on top of yours between your legs, connecting your lips. The kiss is slow but he deepens it straight away, demanding access with his tongue which you gladly grant him. His left hand is resting on your face, stroking your cheek and the other is making its way to your lower stomach. You sigh and moan into the kiss.

“Chris, how do you want me?”, you managed to get out. Your meetings with Chris were mostly about sex and he rarely had enough time, so asking him how he wanted you or him asking you how you wanted him, saved you time.

“I said I don’t want sex. I just want you. Love me”, he whispers and you can feel his sweet breath on your face while his skilful hand reaches your lower lips, slowly spreading the wetness to your clit and all the way around it. Your breath is stuck in your throat and your brain doesn’t know where to focus first. On what he is doing to you or the fact that he asked you to love him?

“Ch-Chris I...I can’t”, his enters one finger inside your heat while softly leaving kisses across your jaw line all the way up to your cheeks. “If we do this, I can’t go back. if I let go, we won’t be able to go back to what we had”, you whine trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to leave your eyes. His stare meets yours and he leaves a quick kiss on your lips.

“I don’t want us to go back. I want you to love me Y/N. Like I love you.” he kisses you again and you swear your soul is about to leave your body. “I want you to show me that you love me. And take care of me” he enters a second and third finger in you and you can’t help but moan out his name. “I want you to be mine and I want to be yours.” his thumb reaching up to dance in circles around your clit which sends you into overdrive. You can’t think and no words can leave your mouth as you feel the knot tightening in your lower stomach. You pull him down closer to your face connecting your lips in a hungry, needy kiss.

“God, I’m yours Chris, all yours”. You feel his hand ease its movement and you automatically open your eyes to look at him realising just now that you had them closed shut all this time.

“I want to feel you cuming around me”, he says and moves slightly to the right to grab a condom from your nightstand. You grab his arm and turn his attention back to you.

“No”, it sounds more like a soft command and you can tell he loves it. He kisses you again while aligning his dick with your entrance. Your entire body is moving up to meet his. He is like a magnet, how could you have not fallen for this man?

He slowly enters you and you can feel every inch of him stretching you out oh so beautifully. You close your eyes and feel his lips landing on the side of your neck leaving soft pecks and bites.

“So wet. So soft. So nice”, he mumbles and the moment you hear his voice the knot in your stomach makes its appearance once again. You try to follow his soft movements but it’s all too much. He barely moves, his thrusts deep but at the same time slow and soft, but it’s the feelings dancing through your body doing all the work. He is everywhere. You can feel him inside you, in your head, in your heart. Everywhere.

“I love you”, he says softly in your ear and a hard thrust follows his statement.

“I love everything about you”, he continues and you forget your own name.

“I love you Chris. Please, oh my god, I love you”, your voice comes out so weak but you don’t care. You can feel him smiling on your neck and he quickens his pace. You start seeing stars moaning his name again and again like a chorus.

“That’s it baby. Look at me”. He caresses your cheek, his eyes never leaving yours. “ Let go baby, I’ve got you”. His last statement drives you over the edge. You start clenching around him and you have no idea how you manage to let any words out but you have to have him cuming with you.

“Inside Chris, p-please I wanna feel you. Cum inside”. As if you turned a switch in him, with a final deep thrust that makes your orgasm last longer than any orgasm you’ve ever had before, he spills inside you again and again and you feel him all the way up into your stomach. You moan out his name a final time and then feel his body collapsing on yours, your heavy breathing matching his while he is resting his head on the side of your neck.

“I can still feel you pulsing around me baby”. He chuckles and you turn shy all of a sudden. He moves to look at you while removing himself from your sensitive heat. You grimace at the sudden loss of fullness and warmth and he kisses the expression wrinkles formed between your eyebrows. He grabs his shirt and wipes both of you as good as he can, before bringing you a new oversized hoodie from your drawer to wear.

“I’m hungry”, you spit while he is trying to get your left arm inside the hoodie.

“Pizza?”, he cocks his head to the side waiting for your reassurance. You nod and he lifts you up carrying you all the way to the living room where he leaves you on the sofa. He then disappears back inside the bedroom and comes out in a pair of sweatpants he always keeps there just in case, and a clean t’shirt. He takes his spot next to you and grabs his phone to order when he stops.

“What?, you ask.

“You’re still working from home right?”, he turns to look at you. His random interest in your work catches you of guard.

“Ahm yes. They said it is still not safe to go back to the office so I should be working from home at least until the end of January. Why?”. His face lights up and you wish your eyes could take photos.

“Come to Australia with me for a couple weeks. I need a break and I can get a couple weeks off to go see my family. Come with. Please”, he is searching your eyes for any sort of reaction. You don’t know what to say or how to react.

“Your family?”, you repeat, this being the part that shocked you the most.

“Yes. They are cool, you don’t have to worry. No pressure. I just want to spend some time away from everything here and I want you to be with me.What do you say?”. How could you say no to him when he is looking at you like a kid waiting to open his Christmas presents. You nod before the words leave your mouth.

“Okay. I’ll come.”. He serves you the biggest smile you’ve ever seen him wearing and takes you in his arms. You startle his lap and move a few hair away from his forehead looking into his beautiful eyes. And then you remember how this happy, loving person seemed so broken and hurt just an hour ago.

“I want to get to know you better Chris. Seeing you like this before hurt me so much and I need to feel safe that I know how to help you when things get tough”, you share with him as honestly as you can.

“You helped me just fine baby”, you gives you a cheeky smile and you hit his arm.

“I’m serious. I don’t ever want to hear you saying you’re not good enough. You’re great in what you do and you’re super talented, gifted and hard working. You shine on stage and even when you make a few mistakes here and there, no one cares cause your work outshines all of them”, you say in one breath and you swear you mean each word. He looks at you with the most loving stare.

“You are the only person who has ever told me that, that doesn’t make money out of me.”, his expression turns sad and you kiss him straight away trying to keep him away from the dark place he was in just a while ago when he knocked on your door.

“Everyone loves you. I love you. You are amazing and I am hungry. Go set the table and stop with the self pity you idiot”, you try to lighten up the mood and it works as Chris quickly gets up to set the table with the biggest smile on his face.

[gaming-universe]

Who We Are || Russell Adler

Call of Duty Black Ops: Cold War

-PART FOUR-

Warnings: SPOILERS FOR CALL OF DUTY BLACK OPS: COLD WAR! IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED/FINISHED THE CAMPAIGN THEN PLEASE DONT READ! Gore, violence, course language, mature content.

Summary: Betrayed and alone after surviving the events that took place on the Solovetsky Islands, Y/n ‘Bell’ L/n faces new and more dangerous threats when she learns that Perseus has other plans for his failed nuclear detonation of Europe. It was only a matter of time before Y/n came face to face with her old team. There is unfinished business between Y/n and Adler, as this operation proves to be more deadly than originally thought.

Author’s Note: So, after finishing the campaign, I needed to do Bell/Player and Adler justice. I loved this game so much, and chosing to play as the female character, I felt like there was a genuine connection between Bell and Adler throughout the game. There is a tag list open for anyone that wishes to stay up to date with the series. Simply comment below. Gif by @travelllar (Girl I’m using all your gifs they are absolutely amazing)

|PART ONE| |PART TWO| |PART THREE|

Another day, another sleepless night.

It was 5am, the sky a light deep blue, and the last of the Soviet soldiers were leaving town. They had searched almost every square inch of this small fishing village, searching for anyone that might be harboring the ones who broke into their base. You thanked whatever god there was that they seemed to forget about Viktor’s house, which was practically veiled by the night sky on a hill below the lighthouse.

You had been awake since one that morning, watching the Soviet soldiers busy about the town like flies on a wound. As dawn broke, you sighed heavily, closing your tired eyes and pinching the bridge of your nose. Your head throbbed painfully from the lack of sleep, but between your nightmares, reoccuring memories and the ruckas of the soldiers, you doubted you would have slept much at all anyway.

The door to the house opened softly, followed by light footsteps as they moved behind you to stand on your left. You didn’t have to turn to see who it was, the familiar stench of cigar smoke almost made you choke. You could see Adler in your peripherals just fine, you rolled your eyes in mild annoyance. “Do you always have to wear those aviators?” You found yourself asking, as the man in question began to chuckle. You heard him sigh “No, I don’t always have to wear them”.

“Do you have to wear them at 5am in the morning?”

“I suppose not-”

“Good, because you look stupid”.

Adler laughed again, releasing a stream of smoke from his lips as he shook his head in amusement. But doing as you had somewhat suggested, Adler removed his aviators, and hooked them over one of the open buttons of his shirt. The two of you stood in silence, watching as the sky began to turn an early morning grey. Adler huffed more smoke “Did you sleep last night?” He questioned lowly, now leaning his back against the white wooden railing and turning his head towards you.

Looking at him from the corner of your eye, you merely shrugged. “I don’t sleep much, not anymore...” You replied smoothly, now wishing that you had never said anything to begin with. You focused your gaze forward again as Adler’s expression fell, he brought the cigar to his lips. You watched as the waves danced in the early morning sunlight, remembering what is was like to be at their mercy. Adler moved closer to your form, flinching slightly as he watched your hands clench into tight fists. You flexed your fingers with a small wince, a sense of pride washing over you as you examined your bruised knuckles.

“How is your jaw?”

“Fucking sore, but thanks for asking”.

You laughed. A soft, genuine laugh as you finally turned to meet Adler’s gaze. His blue hues stared down into your (eye/colour) eyes with a mixture of emotions. His lips parted slightly as he went to speak, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I know you hate me, for everything I have done to you. Nothing I do will ever make up for the amount of shit I have put you through, but you have no idea how hard it was for me to do what I had to do...” He began, his grip on his cigar tightening. “I didn’t want to kill you, I really didn’t. But Park convinced me that killing you was better than the other option-”.

“And what would the other option have been?” You interrupted, folding your arms over your chest. Adler’s jaw clenched, “Letting you go through life not knowing who you were”. You scoffed loudly, stepping away from the taller man before you as you shook your head in disbelief. “She really convinced you that killing me was better than that!? Sure, I might not have ever figured out who I was before, but what was it you said to me after Cuba? ‘The CIA re-invented me’. I could have started a new life, Adler, and you fucking took that away from me” You growled, your eyes narrowing dangerously as you practically seethed with anger.

You paused for a moment to breathe, brushing stray strands of hair from your face as the wind blew in. There was so much more you wanted to say to him, so much you wanted to curse him for.

“Last night you asked me if I regretted it. If I regretted shooting you that day...” Adler spoke softly, almost painfully as his eyes suddenly became a darker shade of blue. “I regretted it, every single goddamned day afterward. And do you want to know why? Because a part of me hoped that you were alive. After you fell I...I hoped to god that you would resurface, that you would have survived that fall. But as the days went by, I realised you weren’t coming back, and that affected me, Y/n, it really did. When Woods and Mason found heard about what I did, they left, and you have no idea how pissed off Hudson was when he found out-”

“I would say just as pissed off as when he discovered that I was the Perseus Agent willing to defect and help the CIA take him down”.

Adler froze, his eyes widening significantly. For the first time in what you assumed was a long time, Adler was speechless. He stared at you completely dumbfounded, his mouth opening and closing as he searched for something to say. “I...w-what are you-”

“A few days before the whole incident at the airstrip, I sent an enrypted message to the CIA, telling them that I was willing to cooperate and answer any questions they might have had in regards to Perseus in exchange for asylum. I guess my message didn’t reach you in time-”

“But, if you were...” Adler trailed off, once again trying to make sense of things “Why didn’t you tell us? When we found you-”

“Things got a lot more complicated when Arash shot me, I think defecting was the last thing on my mind as I lay bleeding out in that car” You finished explaining, shivering slightly at the cool breeze. Adler hadn’t said a word since you finished your long explaination. He paced back and forth, running a hand along the back of his neck as he sighed heavily. You felt yourself tremble as his gaze focused on your form, he looked at you differently.

He looked at you the same way Mason had before Cuba, with pity, sadness, and empathy. “Y/n I...I’m so sorry, if I-” “Don’t apologise...” You interrupted, shrugging your shoulders awkwardly “I’m not mad about that. Actually, I am, but that isn’t the main issue”. Adler nodded, trying to regain his composure with a long draw of his cigar. You buried your hands beneath your arms, not wanting the man before you to notice their trembling. Clearing your throat, you averted your gaze back out to sea “Did you want to talk about last night, or did you want to wait for Woods and Mason?” You asked, trying to hide the slight shakiness of your voice.

You heard Adler sigh, “Y/n, I have to call Hudson. He needs to hear everything from us, and he will no doubt want to hear everything from you”.

Your blood turned to ice, a cold shiver running down your spine at his words. Call Hudson? You felt your stomach churn uneasily, you swallowed thickly and nervously. There was no way of telling how Hudson would react, how he would-

“Y/n...” Adler spoke softly, now standing before you with his eyes searching your distant expression for anything. Something that would give him an insight into what was going on in that head of yours. You turned to face him, looking up at him sadly. “You do what you need to do. But I just-”

“I know, I’ll take care of it. You can trust me-”

“Can I? Can I trust you?”

When Adler’s expression fell, you felt a strange sense of guilt consume you. You didn’t mean to be so hesitant toward him, you didn’t mean to be careful with who you trusted. But after everything that had been done to you...after everything that had happened...

You froze as Adler moved to step around you, your body becoming rigid as something warm was draped over your shoulders. It was then that you realised you had been shaking violently, and that Adler had given you his beloved brown leather jacket. You quickly spun around to face him, managing to catch the fleeting smile he gave you. Then you knew.

Adler understood. He understood where you were coming from. That you needed time to trust him again. “Like you said last night...” He began softly, giving you a barely there smile “no more lies, no more bullshit. Take things in your own time, but I want that jacket back, got it?”. With that being said, Adler turned slowly and made his way back inside, leaving you alone on the wooden terrace. When you were sure he was gone, you wrapped Adler’s jacket around your form tightly and collapsed to your knees, crying softly as strange, compassionate feelings overtook your worry, anxiety and guilt.

When you had calmed down, you leaned back against the wooden railing, letting your head rest against the wooden slats as you breathed deeply. You tried to ignore the scent of Adler’s jacket filling your nose, a mixture of old leather combined with cigar smoke and some kind of cologne.

As the sun began to peak through the grey clouds blanketing the islands, you decided that it was best for you to head inside. You still had the matters of last night to discuss, as well as the oh so joyous anticipation of waiting for Hudson to arrive.

After changing into more comfortable and warmer clothes, you begrudgingly gave Adler back his jacket, giving him a warm smile in thanks before disappearing into the living room. 

Woods and Mason were playing poker with Viktor, and losing horribly. “How the fuck did you manage to get another royal flush?” Woods complained, this his cards down atop the coffee table with an annoyed groan “I swear you’ve rigged the damn thing”. Viktor chuckled, gathering his winnings with a sly wink in your direction as you passed. “When you have played this game for as long as I have, you learn all the tricks of the trade” He responded, as Woods threw his hands out in exasperation.

You watched on from the far wall, grinning as Mason caught your gaze. He waved you over “Hey Y/n, did you want to join us?” He asked, to which you shook you head with an amused scoff. “No thanks, I would like to keep my money-” “Wuss...” Woods teased “I’ll play for you” “No, I’m good thank you, but I appreciate the offer”.

Woods groaned again as Mason laughed, while Viktor practically bled them both dry. Adler emerged from the kitchen, moving to stand by your side. “Adler, lend me some money, I need beat this old man at least once!” Woods exclaimed, gesturing towards Viktor with an extended hand. Adler shook his head “No, I’m not doing that” He replied, glaring at Woods’ obscene gesture thrown in his direction. You chuckled quietly, looking up at the man beside you with a small shrug. “How did you go?” You asked, not liking the way his gaze fell. He huffed “Hudson has a few things to take care of in Washington before he gets here, but he plans on arriving sometime tonight”.

“Well, I guess we can’t really do anything until we inform him of what is going on then?”.

“We can prepare what we are going to say? Combine our knowledge”.

You nodded hesitantly “I really don’t know much. But whatever those soldiers were doing up there is in relation to something called Operation Hyrda”. The entire living room fell silent, as all eyes now focused on you. “Operation Hydra? What the hell is that?” Mason asked, his eyes narrowing in confusion. You sighed “From what I’ve remembered, Operation Hydra is a failsafe for Operation Greenlight. Reading that name back in that bunker triggered something. All I know so far, is that Perseus and I are the only ones who know of the failsafe”.

“And because we brainwashed you, you can’t remember what this Operation Hyrda entails” Adler interrupted, his eyes remaining trained on your smaller form. You nodded as Adler cursed, cringing at his dangerous tone “I’m trying to remember, if that helps-”

“I know you are, we’ll figure it out” Adler spoke distantly, before once again disappearing back into the kitchen. You sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of your nose with a groan. If only you could remember something, even if it was small. Every little detail counted right? A gentle hand was placed on your shoulder, causing you to flinch as your eyes lifted to meet the warm expression of Mason. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about this...” He soothed “it’s not your fault you can’t remember”.

“I know, but knowing that I’m missing something important is just...” You paused, breathing deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth “I feel so fucking useless”.

“You might feel like that now, but it won’t always be like this...” Woods spoke solemnly from his position on the couch. “Sure, it might take you a while to remember things, but you will get there. Just don’t be so hard on yourself, alright?”. You nodded slowly, allowing his words to sink in. Though Woods did have a point, you couldn’t help but feel like a burden to the team.

As your lips parted to respond, there was a sharp knock at the door. Your head tilted to the side in confusion, your gaze meeting Woods and Masons’ who wore similar expressions. Adler emerged from the kitchen, carefully moving past you and Mason towards the front of the door. You waited anxiously as two voices echoed down into the living room. As footsteps approached, your body became rigid as Adler moved past you to stand on the other side of the room, followed by a woman you knew all too well.

Her midnight hair was slightly longer, but her brown eyes widened upon landing on your form before her expression hardened. All you could do was glare at Park, as she stood in the doorway to the living room.

Tag List: @pookolokon @travelllar @basicwhiteasian @shellshockedbell @inteligentecat @staryozora @lovinggooppalacebanana @ktdragonborn @quietblogs-2-rd @cerezi @alluringartangels​

[shadowturtlesstuff]

you belong with me- thomas

this is thomas’s pov. i like doing both pov (i dont know if you can tell) but there are a few things im working on but enjoy!

“How could-? Are you even hearing yourself speak you fool? No- no. God, you know what I'm done.” I throw my phone on the bed, scaring Sir Issac in the process. I cringe even as I begin pacing back and forth. It was truly absurd, utterly crazy, that William lived in such a world where he would ever consider me being with anyone but Audrey Rose. Whilst we weren’t together per say, it was clear there would be no one else for me. The fact that he had already caused trouble for us once makes this even more irritating. I turn and find Audrey Rose already watching me. Her hair disheveled in a messy bun which tells me she is studying or researching something. I give her what I hope classifies as a smile and watches as she pulls out a familiar notebook, searches for her pen and then writes: Are you okay?

Of course she would ask if I'm okay and not what happened; using our absurd way of talking to each other instead of using the window or even messaging me. I shake my head but smile and make my way towards my window. The wind hits me, sending my hair flying but I embrace the fresh air as I watch her move herself off her bed, cursing at her stiff legs. She has been there most of the day, not moving and lost in her work and music. She curses once more as she hits her elbow on the window sill and she looks truly adorable. “You have a wicked mouth Wadsworth. Did you not learn cursing is unlady-like?” I try to ignore the other thoughts I have of her mouth.

“Fuck you,” she scowls at me. It always makes me smile hearing her curse, she always sounds confident in them somehow, making them seem so real. The first time she swore was the time she failed a science test. Well, not exactly a fail, but she was marked wrong by a substitute teacher who didn't like her so she decided to berate him in front of the whole class, starting with her shouting ‘bullshit!’ as soon as she saw her results.

“I assume dear wadsworth, you want to ask what has made me so irate?” As much as I would rather climb across the gap and make her watch another one of my romance films again instead of talk about it, I know that I should. Otherwise it'll eat at my mind when I go to sleep. As well as it being used against wadsworth in some way too.

“Perhaps,” she says, eyes sparkling with mischief as she rests her head on the wall and brings her knees to her chest, “perhaps I merely wanted to ask if Sir Issac was okay.” I nearly burst out laughing at her. She has a love hate relationship with my cat. She pretends to hate the ‘beast’ but will often let him sit on her lap or pet him whenever she is over here. When I first got him, she stayed round mine for the night and we settled him. Even then she had tried to pretend not to like him but she doesn’t remember that she fell asleep with him curled up next to her. I had to sleep on my chair because they were sprawled out, surrounded by her work.

“Really? You always refer to him as a little pest, whereas as with me, I am your dearest person, of course you want to know how I am feeling. My son is good though, very energetic today.” Said cat brushes against me and I look at him, the memory still clear in my mind. Yet I know I need to stop avoiding the problem, Audrey Rose is too kind to push me into telling her, and will let me avoid it for as long as I need. It is not the worst thing we’ve faced yet I still hate it.  

“I assume you saw the call, well that was William,” she nods, her face already falling at the mention of his name, “Yes, awful. Apparently though, there is a rumor that I'm with Miss whitehall. I don't even remember her first name, but he was convinced of our relation despite my protests. Madness.” I scoff at the sheer audacity of him and his friends. Sir Issac nuzzles into me, knowing that I'm upset and wanting to change that. As well get attention.

“Is this the same William that had convinced everyone I was dating him?”

“Yes.” Anger rolls through me at the memory of that disaster. What hurt Audrey Rose the most is that she truly thought he was a friend. She’d explained that with me she didn't try, but everyone else she had too, so when they'd fallen into easy conversations during lessons she really enjoyed having someone other than me and lize and her uncle to talk to.

“Bitch. Why on earth is he such a problem? Where on earth does he even make this assumptions about us?'' She begins pacing, her mind working faster than her steps as she no doubt recalls everything that happened. I am inclined to do the same. I can still remember her walking into her room, looking at me and falling apart. I climbed into her room and held her letting her calm before she spoke to me. I cried as well, slightly, knowing how much that friendship had meant to her. I'd made us watch a really cheesy film and she'd fallen asleep in my arms.

“I have never once,”I say to drag her back to the present “shown interest in her, nor will I ever.” I drag a hand through my hair. “She's just- a lot.” the first time id met her she was just very loud and demanding, I couldn't stand her. I'd watched her insult so many people for being themselves, for liking childish things, or in Audrey Rose's case, morbid things.

“That is the understatement of the year Cresswell. Besides, you wouldn’t work, she's too- your,” she falls silent, either lost in thought or not wanting to tell me those thoughts. Her cheeks turn a light shade of pink and I smile. She doesn't meet my eye as she sits herself down and I raise my brows as she asks what? As though she didn’t just show me that she has many inappropriate thoughts about me. She curls herself into a ball, hiding in her oversized hoodie, which is mine that I'm not sure she realizes is.

“I’m what? I'd be delighted to know your innermost thoughts of me, Wadsworth.”

“You're absurd but fine I'll elaborate,” she rolls her eyes though, even as the pink deepens slightly. Her eyes focused on my own. So I face her fully, like an astute student in class dying to seek knowledge, “you're too kind, too witty and clever and Whitehall wouldn’t appreciate you enough. You-” she stops talking immediately, as though whatever is in her mind she cant voice. Her face twists into something unreadable and I get the sense that she would rather not ever speak about me being with someone other than her.

“You forgot to mention how handsome I look, or how charming I am, but I'll take it,” she suppresses an eye roll and her smile and ignores the way my voice deepens ever so slightly. I pat Sir Issac off me and earn a whine but he jumps off me. I reach out to her and she leans, her hair ripping free of her bun with little effort from the wind. Her dark curls cling to her face, framing her perfectly too. It makes me want to hold her face in her hands and kiss her deeply.

“I don’t need to inflate your ego further Thomas.”

She inflates my ego every time she smiles at me, whether that be because of my joke or simply smiling at me because I am her friend. “I know but it would've been nice. I did say the inner most thoughts but we’ll get there. Audrey rose-I don’t belong with her, you’re right, my heart would never belong to her especially since it already belongs to someone else.”

She blinks at me, her face falling flat. Silence falls over us and I realize she thinks I'm talking about someone else. And idea forms, one that she may hate me for but one I'm going to do anyway.

“I-” she begins, no doubt going to tell me she wants me to be happy without whomever I'm with. I stand before she can say anything and she stares at me for a second so I motion for her to move. I want to be able to hold her and be next to her. I climb over and set myself on her window sill, leaving enough space for her on the other side. “I hope you are happy with whomever has your heart Cresswell.” I try to hide my smirk at her. Preparing myself for the worst. Preparing myself for her calling me an idiot and that she doesn't like me that way. I wouldn’t blame her.

“Of course I'll be happy. She's amazing. Let me tell you all about her. I met her many years back and was instantly smitten with her emerald eyes and her quick witted mind. How she sings to herself every morning and how her dark curls fall across her face whenever she sits on her bed and reads. I adore her curiosity for the dead and how wicked her mouth is and how delightful it is to watch your mind at work. I love when she shows me a note through the window to see if I'm doing okay and-”

“Wait,” she blurts out, her cheeks red now and eyes bright with shock, “Thomas, are you talking about me?”

I can’t help but laugh. She is one of the smartest people I have ever met yet she, just like I do, struggles with social cues sometimes. Albeit it she is better than I will ever be. “Yes, finally! I thought I'd have to keep speaking forever till you realized it was you.” Not that that would be a problem. As of right now I'd happily list the way her eyes are filled with both relief and shock and happiness and it's a look I want to capture whenever I need a reminder of something good in life.

She scowls at me, ignoring her blush. I take a risk and reach out my hand, moving closer so that her back is straightened on the wall, her attention fixed on me completely. No fake scowl or bright smile, just an intent gaze I can't quite pick apart. I rest my hand on her leg, now free of her (my) hoodie. “Wadsworth, darling, I have been in love with you for some time now.”

I stare at my best friend, my love, as she tries to convince herself this is real. It's truly adorable. Then her eyes widen slightly as she whispers: “I have something to show you.”

She jumps from my grip, running the short distance to her bed and then shuffling through the mountain of books and papers sprawled there until she pulls out a notebook and shakes it, letting a piece of paper drop. It's folded and creased a lot, as though it has been opened often. I watch as she faces me and slowly, her face fixed on the sheet as she opens and holds it out to me.

I read the words: I love you.

I love you.

I read them over and over and over, trying to imprint it on my brain. Her delicate handwriting and her confession reaches out to me and I desperately want to reach out to her, hold her against me and press kisses and make her laugh.

Audrey rose takes her seat across from me and I instantly reach out, holding her leg again. Anything to reassure me this is real. “I wrote that the night after you came here the second time.” her voice is soft, her curls once again framing her face as she looks at me, “Something in me clicked that no matter what you'd find a way to comfort me. Not save me, but work alongside me. I wanted to tell you I just couldn't face it. But I needed to acknowledge it. So I wrote it down, and I look at it every time we use the note system; I try to convince myself to show you.” Audrey Rose would never need saving, never want it, yet her words save my own dark heart that she has felt this way for so long, and we have somehow lived alongside each other and been so blinded by our love entwined with fears that it has taken so long to finally acknowledge them.

I debate pinching myself. Only minutes ago was I miserable and upset, yet Audrey Rose has taken her time to cheer me up. Yet even if I had left it as I am fine, even though she knows me better than that, she wouldn't have pressed for answers; would have waited for me to open up. So i lean in and the world stops as we both wait until our lips are pressed together It's a light kiss, one full of promise and wonder. When I lean back we are both smiling so freely my heart feels as though it too is reaching out to hold Audrey rose. We trade kisses, never wanting to leave this loop but I do lean back away from her. I’m already too drunk on her kisses, I need to breathe, to process this so I can remember it. Once my back is against the wall I pull her, twisting so her back is against mine, leaning into my warmth and I rest my head atop hers. Trying to contain my smiles but to no avail. My hand covers hers and as i look down at her i notice she doesn't bother controlling her smile. It is a magnificent sight.  

“Now would be a perfect time to tell me how handsome I am, my love.”

let me know if you want to be added to my tag list: 

@fangirling-again​ @kittycat2187 @goatahoan @city-of-fae @the-hoofflepooff @padfoot-sirius-black-blog @purplecreatorhorsewagon @boredbookwormgirl @goddess-of-writing-wars @lovecakeandmore ​ @yikesitsmaddie @loveyatopluto​ @throneofsc @bookscressworth​  @ ink-insomnia

[taehyungs-perm]

strawberry girl pt 5

taehyung x reader; college au; childhood best friends to lovers au; jock!fratboy taehyung

genre: fluff; major angst lol

word count: 16k

summary: i can pretend i don’t miss you. i can pretend i dont care. all i want to do is kiss you. what a shame you’re not here.

Part 1 here ; Part 2 here; part 3 here; part 4

playlist vibes

fuck it i love you | lana del ray 

still with you | jk

la vie en rose | edith piaf 

the remedy of a broken heart | xxxtentacion 

cant help falling in love with you | kina grannis 

sweet night | v

cherry hill | russ

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of the days had pretty much begun to blend together. There was no difference between morning and night. You just sat in your room, shades drawn, binging TV shows and movies. After the first night, you began to cry in random spurts. It would go a bit something like this: you would be staring at the cereal swirling in the milk and burst into tears because your heart would just seize up in pain; you would focus on the spinning of your ceiling fan before you would realize the tears were spilling out of your eyes; you would tear up as you scrolled through your camera photos just to see his face. Every ounce of your being missed him but there was no way in hell you could face him, not after that night. 

You had blocked his number when he began to text and call you after a week. You had hoped he would never contact you, but that wasn’t the case. 

Tae: hey

Tae: can we talk

Tae: I’m sorry 

Tae: can we stay friends 

Tae: missed call (5)

Tae: why r u ignoring me

Tae: u fucked it up

Tae: not me

Tae: I’m sorry that was uncalled for

Tae: can we talk 

Tae: pls 

Every time his name popped up on your phone screen, you felt like throwing your phone against the wall. It was after a few days of this when you realized you couldn’t take it anymore. You just wanted him out of your life. It became much easier to deal with the pain once you weren’t bombarded by messages from him.

You laid on your bed, with Gossip Girl mindlessly playing in the background, thinking about him. Before the break started, you and Taehyung talked about all of the things you wanted to do since this was the first time in a long time where it would be you two alone at home: have picnics, go ice skating, watch movies all night. All of that, gone to shit. Just cause you fucking had to tell him about your feelings. 

Your mom had enough of you lying in your bed all day and forced you to get out of your room. It just ended up with you lying on the living room couch all day instead. You had just gotten a copy of “Freedom is a Constant Struggle” by Angela Davis but you felt like your brain was mush and couldn't bring yourself to read it. One morning, your parents tried convincing you to come shopping and get some fresh air but you felt like you had no energy to do so. You laid on the couch, face squished on a pillow, curled up in a blanket, completely not comprehending the episode of gossip girl you had switched on. The doorbell rang and you groaned, barely shifting, not wanting to answer the door. The doorbell rang again and you rolled off the couch, annoyed. You tried peering through the side window to see who was at your door bothering you. Then you heard loud rapid knocks. Ugh who the fuck is knocking at my door and why aren’t they leaving? 

You reluctantly opened the door, still wrapped in your blanket, completely prepared to yell at whoever was annoying the shit out of you, but when you saw him standing there, every thought in your head completely disappeared, your heart completely dropping. 

Your voice broke, “Taehyung?”

He looked at you, peering at your eyes behind his shaggy curly strands of hair, shivering in his jacket and sweatpants, “__________”. His voice was shaking, as if he was scared.

You wanted to slam the door on his face, but the way his big brown eyes were staring at you, full of innocence, you knew you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. You couldn’t help but wonder, did he not get the message? And why does he even want to talk to you? 

“What do you want?” you asked, sternly. 

“Can we talk? please?”

“Taehyung, please, leave me alone. please.” You tried to close the door but he stepped forward and held the door open with his hand.

“You blocked my number. I can't even contact you anymore. Can I just have this at least? Can we just talk once more?” he pleaded. His eyes were filled with a sadness that you couldn’t quite understand. You desperately just wanted to reject him just like he did to you, but you couldn’t. He was and always would be your weakness. Seeing him, standing here in front of you, doe eyed and heartbroken because of your actions made you hate yourself even more. You would rather have your heart broken a thousand times than to see him in pain. 

“Okay. we can talk,” you whispered softly. 

You didn't want to let him in though. You just leaned on the doorframe, staring at him as the wind sent shivers up your spine. 

“Why are you ignoring me again? I told you not to do that. Ignoring me doesn’t do anything.”

“I needed space. And I still do.”

“Space from me?” he stepped closer to you. His closeness made you uneasy. You glanced up into his eyes, and there were stone cold seriousness. You hadn’t seen Taehyung like this in a while. For all the talk of you thinking Taehyung was adorable and cute, he could be just as intimidating. The look in his eyes made you almost scared. 

“Yes.” you breathed out, trying to match his serious tone.

“Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you, just at myself…because I knew this would happen, but I let myself fall in love with you anyways.”

“I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to be sorry about. It's just I should have known better. It's what happens to people like me. And this is why I don’t let myself fall in love.”

“___________ don't let this ruin you. Don’t let me fuck up everything you believed in. You’ll fall in love again.”

“Taehyung. I’ve been in love with you for years. I just never had the guts to say it. I dunno if I'll fall in love again because my heart belongs to you. I didn’t choose to give it to you and it fucking kills me to admit it,” you felt tears welling up in your eyes. Your voice began to crack, shaking from the tears, “but my heart is yours and you don’t even want it.”

Taehyung had been staring at the ground, scared to make eye contact with you. But once you said those words, he looked up at you, his eyes trembling, “_________ I like you. okay? Please don't forget that. You're my best friend.”

You looked deep into his eyes and shook your head softly, “Taehyung, Stop looking at me like you want me because we both know you don’t. I know you don’t feel the same way, but I wish you did.” 

“_______ I told you, I just don't know right now. I just don't know how I feel about you but maybe if you give me time I could fi-“

You cut him off, not wanting to hear any bullshit, “Don’t fuck with my feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. I didn’t mean to fall in love but I did. And you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. Try to understand how I feel.”

Taehyung took another step towards you, his hand came up to your face, resting on your cheek as he wiped a falling tear, “Why do you need space from me? Why do you need to cut me off completely?”

You pushed his hand away, feeling annoyed at his words. All of this was bullshit. Taehyung doesn’t care about you. He broke your heart and he was just acting now. He just pretends to care but really he doesn’t give a shit about you. 

You furrowed your eyebrows in anger, “I just want to fucking get over you okay? Like Taehyung, you have no idea what you do to me. The way my heart goes completely erratic. The way that one look from you is all that I need to smile. I can’t think around you. Because all I think about it is you. I don’t think...I’m capable of being just friends with you. At least not for a long time. Maybe that’s selfish but that’s all I’m asking of you. I’m not asking you to love me because I know you can’t do that. So just give me space.”

He was quiet, not saying a single word. You sighed out your last few thoughts, “You don’t love me the way I love you. And I know you never will. And that’s okay. But understand that just being friends with you and seeing you everyday is a reminder that you don’t love me.”

Taehyung scoffed, kicking his foot against the door frame, “Why did you do that? Why did you have to tell me your feelings? Why did you fuck it up?”

Your lip trembled. You already felt like shit, like the biggest idiot on the planet for thinking he could love you back, and now he was just shoving your mistakes right back in your face, “Why did you kiss me? You keep saying I fucked it up! I didn’t, you did! If you just didn’t fucking kiss me, then this wouldn’t have happened. So why the fuck did you kiss me?”

He took a step back, shocked at your outburst. His voice faltered, coming out weak and soft, “I..I..I dunno. I don’t know.” 

You scoffed, “You want me in your life, but I can’t do that. You’re asking too much of me. You’re asking me to pretend these feelings I have for you are insignificant. Something that can be stored away as if they didn’t matter. But it did matter. To me.” You stepped towards him, feeling a bit reckless but fuck it right? you had nothing else to lose. you just wanted the truth from him. You asked, your voice icy, “Do I even matter to you?”

He looked at you, confused, “Of course you matter to me. You're my everything.”

You couldn't help but let out a cold laugh, “The things you say sometimes make me feel like I actually have a chance with you, but then I snap back to reality and realize I never really did.”

Taehyung looked at you with defeated eyes. You looked at him and saw that he knew he had done things and said things that he couldn’t take back. 

His eyes were now puffy and bloodshot. His voice croaked, “So where does this leave us? We go back to ignoring each other? You pretend I don't exist and I do the same to you?”

You sighed as you walked back to your front door. you turned to look at him before you shut the door close, “It's for the best Taehyung.”

You closed the door, not waiting to see if he had left your porch. You sat on the ground, back against the door as tears collected in your eyelashes. You know you really love someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart

———————————————————————————————————

You left later than planned, purposefully just so you could avoid traveling with Taehyung or even running into him by accident on campus. When you got back to school, Hana was out with Jungkook so you began to unpack, trying to distract yourself. You had told her a little bit about what happened, that you told him how you felt but he didn't reciprocate. You definitely made it seem you weren’t as torn up about it as you actually were, avoiding her FaceTime calls so she couldn’t see your bloodshot eyes. 

You slumped on your bed, scrolling through an academic paper you were attempting to read for class but you couldn’t focus. His fucking smile, his fucking laugh, his fucking curly hair, it was all swimming in your mind and you couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

You felt your eyes well up with tears and shut your laptop. You laid down on your bed and buried yourself in your blankets. You drifted off to sleep, exhausted from being so emotionally drained. 

You jolted awake when you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“__________.”

“Whatttt?” You groaned as rolled over and saw Hana sitting on the edge of your bed. You rubbed your eyes and broke out into a smile when you saw your roommate, “Hana!”

She gave you a hug and gave you a concerned look, “How are you?”

You felt your words get caught in your throat, immediately feeling tears well up in your eyes, “I’m okay. Dunno why I can/t stop crying.” 

Hana rubbed your shoulder soothingly, “You just lost one of your best friends. Your heart got completely broken. It’s okay to cry __________.”

“I’m so fucking stupid. I wish I didn't give him this power to hurt me,” you whispered softly.

“Hey, it's okay ___________. I'm so proud of you. You worked up the courage to tell him how you feel. And what you feel matters, so you shouldn’t feel bad about it, okay?”

You shook your head. You couldn’t even explain your heartbreak to Hana. Because she wouldn’t understand. You wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone. Unrequited love doesn’t just make you feel sad. It breaks you down. It preys on your deepest insecurities and leaves you hollow and empty. Because in the end, it was you. You were the problem, you were the reason why it didn’t work out. It's not even that he was in love with someone else. It was simply that he didn't love you. 

Hana spoke cautiously, “What exactly did he say when you told him?”

You tried to recall but your mind was a bit foggy as you tried to mentally block out that day, “Um, well he said he doesn’t love me that way. And that he was confused about his feelings.”

“He said he was confused?”

“Yea,”

“Hmm. it's a weird word choice but…”

“But what?”

“Im sorry ___________. I'm going to be honest with you, just so it doesn’t hurt more later. When a guy says they’re confused, they probably don't have feelings at all and are just trying to be nice. That's the only thing not complicated about them. If a guy likes a girl, he won’t hide it and say he is confused.”

“I’m fucking crazy to think he was into me” you said, tears slowly rolling down your cheeks.

“Do you still love him?” 

“Yea”

“How much?” 

“Why does it matter?” You retorted coldly, staring at your blankets.

She responded in a soft tone, “Why does it not?” 

You met her eyes, “Because he doesn’t love me back” 

“If you still love him, then you can't be around him right now. But you shouldn’t regret your feelings towards him. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you’ll get through this.”

You fiddled with your hands, trying to steady your breathing, “It’s unfathomable. I can’t possibly envision a future with him loving me the way I want him to. But I can't get rid of this feeling, that somewhere deep inside me, I still have hope that he’ll fall for me.  It’s pathetic really, how much I still hope it’s him and me in the end.”

She put her arm around your shoulder, pulling you into her embrace, “It's not pathetic. You love him, its okay to want him. But I promise you, you’ll get through this, and I'll be there for you the entire time. You are such an amazing person, you are kind and smart and if he can’t see that, then fuck him.”

you laughed humorlessly, “Thanks Hana.” You paused and then whispered hoarsely, “I wish love was perfect as love itself.”

“it will be. Once you find the one. It will all feel so easy and natural when you find your actual love.”

It was silent for a few moments and then she looked at your puffy eyes, “Are you feeling better?”

You sniffled and nodded, “I’ll be fine.”

“How do you know that?” she asked seriously. 

You glanced at the window, seeing the rain droplets slide down the window pane, “Because my whole life I’ve been in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. It’s nothing new.”

“Boys are fucking stupid” Hana said, shaking her head.

“So fucking stupid.” 

———————————————————————————————————

Hana did her best to keep you distracted, walking with you to class, eating meals with you, hanging out with you on the weekends, always going to the library with you. Jungkook tagged along most of the time but only after Hana asked you if it was okay. Seeing Jungkook did remind you of Taehyung, but his presence didn't bother you too much since he was always cracking jokes to make you smile. 

You didn't see Taehyung around campus at all. It was like he was a ghost, completely gone from your life. It almost made it worse because then you yearned to see him, just to see his cute smile, to hear his adorable laugh. You missed his annoying headass personality that made your heart flutter, you missed the way you could talk to him about anything and everything because he actually listened, you missed being the person he could trust the most to talk to about his feelings. 

Sometimes you got these heart aches, you could physically feel yourself falling apart at the seams. And it just hurt. It hurt to breathe, to think, to feel. And you didn’t know what hurt the most: The fact that he wasn’t in your life anymore and you won’t ever see his doe eyes and boxy smile again or the fact that you weren’t enough for him and that you’ll never be enough for him. 

 The pain of him just not being in your life was worse than you could ever imagine. Then, that combined with the realization your love was unrequited made you feel like you weren't ever going to get through this. 

You sat on the first floor of the library with Hana, working through some biology worksheets to prepare for class. Hana was talking to you about the new boba place on campus, “They have the best green milk tea.”

“Damn I miss boba. I haven’t had it in so long.”

“Lets go right after this. They have a bunch of flavors.”

You nodded, feeling weirdly excited for just boba. 

“Hi” you heard a voice say.

You looked up and saw Jennie. 

��Hi?” you said, very confused. 

She smoothed out her pink tennis skirt and sat down on the seat next to you, “Can we talk?”

“About?”

“Him.”

You glanced at Hana, who was also clearly uncomfortable. You really didn't want to talk to her about Taehyung but Hana gave you a small nod.

“Fine.”

Jennie looked at Hana uneasily, “Can we talk alone?”

You crossed your arms defensively, “Anything you have to say to me, Hana can hear it too.”

Hana put her hand on your shoulder reassuringly, “It’s okay. You should talk to her alone. I'll be by the vending machines in the back. Come and find me when you're done talking.”

She got up after giving you a smile.

You sighed deeply, facing Jennie, “So what’s up?”

“What happened? With you and Taehyung?”

“That's literally none of your business. Did he tell you something?”

She looked concerned, “No. Well. Kinda. Not really. After we all got back to campus, Taehyung didn't text me or call me. Which is strange because he usually calls or texts around every two weeks or so to hook up. But once we got back, he didn't respond to any of my messages. So I went over to his dorm.”

“And?”

“And he looked like shit. Like he hadn't slept or showered or eaten properly. I tried asking him what happened but he just told me to leave and not to come back. I ran into Jimin on the way out. He said you two had a falling out and Taehyung has been a wreck since. Tae has barely left his room, only for school and soccer and thats with Jimin and his other friends forcing him to.”

What? What was going on with him? Was he really this affected by your friendship? That didn't make any sense you guys had only recently become friends. Surely he could easily just resume his lifestyle to when you guys weren’t close. 

You looked at Jennie, “I told him that I loved him. And he said he didn’t love me. I said we couldn’t be friends, at least not for a while. I guess he didn't take it well.”

You thought Jennie would just laugh in your face or say “I told you so”, but she didn't. She pulled you into a side hug, “Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I’m sorry. I know how it feels.”

“Did you ever tell him how you felt?”

She laughed softly, “I didn’t. I was too scared. I knew he would reject me. I guess I was scared of losing him, even just as a fuck buddy. So I just quietly pined over him from a distance.”

You chuckled, “You and me both.”

“I kinda admire that you had the guts to tell him how you felt. If he didn't have feelings for you, there's no possible way he ever liked me.”

You scoffed, “I'm sure he has feelings for you. You're so beautiful. And nice. And pretty. There's no way he didn't like you.”

“__________, you know you're beautiful too. I was actually always jealous of you.”

You were completely shocked, “Jealous of me?”

“Yes! No matter where we were, you could always get Taehyung's attention without even trying. I had to literally climb on top of him to get him to even think about me. Sorry about that by the way.”

“You don't have to be sorry about that. It's not a big deal. Honestly boys are so fucking stupid. I don't know why we let him use us and hurt us so much.”

“Exactly. I hope...we can be friends. Like for real.”

You nodded, “I'm sorry too. I was kinda a bitch to you.”

“Like you said, it's not a big deal. that's all in the past.” 

Jennie got up and smiled at you. She paused for a moment, looking at you carefully, “By the way, you mean a lot to Taehyung. I know you're upset at him right now but maybe you can consider being friends with him in awhile.”

She stalked away leaving you in your thoughts. It was still too soon. But you felt better. Some of your sadness that you felt for yourself went away, transforming into a sort of anger and annoyance at Taehyung: he used girls like you and Jennie all the time and would play with their feelings just so he could feel good about himself. Fuck boys. 

———————————————————————————————————

You were sitting on the picnic benches near the soccer field like how you used to do, but now Taehyung doesn’t come and sit next to you. The peacefulness of being outdoors allowed you to finally focus on your work without any distractions. As you were studying your statistics homework, you heard someone call your name. You looked up and it was Jimin's smiling face.

“Hey ___________!”

“Hey” you said quietly. You were a bit surprised to see Jimin talking to you. You kinda figured whatever friendship you two had was gone once you and Taehyung stopped talking.

“Are you doing the stats homework?” He said walking over to you, both his backpack and soccer bag slung over his shoulder.

“Um yea,” you said, shifting uneasily. Why was he talking to you? If he was here to talk about Taehyung, you were going to get up and leave. You really weren’t emotionally or mentally prepared to talk about him with one his closest friends.

“I was actually having some trouble with the assignment. Could you help me with it?” He said, dropping his bags on the picnic table.

“Uh sure I guess,” you mumbled out as he sat next to you. Jimin gave you his signature beautiful smile and you felt terrible because all you could offer was your half hearted one. He pulled out his notes and you began to help him with a few of his questions. 

Being around Jimin was actually immensely helpful. He successfully distracted you with his cute jokes and charming personality. After about an hour or so, you realized you should be heading back to your dorm so you stood and began to pack up your things. 

“___________?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering...” he looked a bit nervous, giving you a shy smile, “I was wondering if you want to get dinner together tomorrow?”

You blinked. Was Park Jimin asking you out? What? What the fuck was going on?

“You want to get dinner...with me?” You asked, confused.

He laughed, “Yes I want to. Do you want to...with me?”

Was this a prank or something? Did he want something from you? 

“Wait is this like a study dinner thing with a group?” You asked, very unsure.

Jimin chuckled again as he ran his hand through his brown hair, “No _________, this isn’t a study dinner thing with a group. I want to get dinner with just you with no studying involved.”

You fiddled with the end of your hair, trying to process what he was saying, “Is this a date or...” 

“It can be whatever you want. It can be two friends getting food together or it can be something more.”

“Jimin...I dunno. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea” you said, thinking of Taehyung.

He put his hand gently on your shoulder, “If you’re upset about Taehyung, I get it. But that’s why I said it can be two friends hanging out.”

You thought about it and pursed your lips. Why do I give a fuck about what Taehyung thinks? He made it clear that we are just friends and that he has no feelings for me. Honestly we aren’t even friends anymore so I don’t give a fuck about what he thinks.

You slung your bag over your shoulder and smiled at Jimin, “You know what? You’re right. We can hang. Just text me later.” 

You wanted to feel confident and happy that you were trying to move on and make plans with people instead of laying in your dorm room bed all day but there was still a nagging feeling of hurt and longing in your heart that didn’t know would ever disappear.

———————————————————————————————————

You wanted to feel the same butterflies you always felt whenever you saw Taehyung, but as you stepped out of your dorm and saw Jimin leaning against his black Audi, wearing sunglasses and a black tee tucked into black skinny jeans, you didn’t feel anything.

He smiled at you, “Hey __________. You look cute.” Again, nothing.

“Thanks. You look pretty good yourself.” You retorted playfully. 

He opened the car door for you and you sat in the car, immediately getting flashbacks to Taehyung's birthday party and how he took you for a joyride in this very car. You smoothed out your black pleated skirt and picked at your leggings hoping you would get distracted and not reminisce over the happiness you felt sitting in this car with Taehyung. 

You and Jimin chatted quietly about your days and your classes before you realized he had parked in front of a small restaurant.

“I actually have been meaning to go here for a while, but never found the time. Or the right person to go with,” Jimin said with a teasing smile as you walked into the restaurant.

Sometimes you would forget that Jimin was just as much as a fuckboi as Taehyung except with more braincells but then he would tease you, just like Taehyung used to, with flirty jokes and seductive smiles and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his antics.

As you slurped on your ramen noodles, you found that you and Jimin had more in common than you realized. 

“You watch Gossip Girl?” you said widening your eyes when he lit up at your off hand comment about re binging the show over break.

“Of course! Nate is my literal inspiration!” he exclaimed with a huge smile.

“Nate?” you thought about it for a moment and then continued, “Actually, he’s definitely the least problematic one out of everyone in the show.”

“And…he definitely has the best style.” Jimin added as he sipped his water.

you talked a bit about his winter break and his adventures in europe. 

“So did you go with your family or..” you asked, curious.

“I went with some friends from home. I wanted to get some of the BTS guys to go with me but we decided to go on a group trip for spring break.” 

“Where did you go in Europe?”

“Um, I went to England, then France, then Germany.”

“Oh wow. that's a lot of places,” you commented, a bit surprised since break was only two weeks.

“I dunno. I think traveling is such a great way to relax I guess. Going to new places and experiencing new cultures with friends.”

“That's valid. I guess in my head traveling gives me stress. So did you go sight seeing or just kinda wandered around the city?”

He chuckled, a light blush coming to his cheeks, “Uh, kinda, I guess.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows, not understanding why he was getting flustered, “What? What did you do?”

He ran his hand through his hair, catching a glimpse at how silky his dark brown locks were, “Well, it was like 25 percent sightseeing historical buildings.”

“And the other 75 percent?”

“Sightseeing night clubs” he said laughing.

“So you went to Europe to go to clubs?” you said trying to stifle your laughs.

“In my defense, European clubs are way different so there’s that.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, “And?”

“And what?” he said leaning forward on his arms.

“What about the European girls?”

“Oh fuck off,” Jimin said, averting his eyes and laughing.

“What else should I expect from Park Jimin? European vacation for clubbing and girls.”

“Dude, you make me sound like I'm Chuck Bass,” Jimin countered, his face a complete shade of pink, fully embarrassed at your teasing.

After you two paid for your meals, Jimin walked you over to a cute little cafe next door. You excitedly picked out a slice of strawberry cake, desperately wanting something comforting after feeling alone for the past month while Jimin ordered a coffee. You tried to pay for your own cake but of course Jimin wouldn’t hear of it and paid for it, insisting it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do (you had to roll your eyes at this). 

You two made your way to a picnic table in front of the restaurant, sitting underneath the bright fairy lights hung up outside, giving just enough light in the darkness of the night. He sat across from you, sipping his coffee. You opened up the box that contained the cake and smiled, remembering the good memories you had attached with it. You brushed your hair behind your ear and took a bite.

You offered some to him which he accepted.

“___________, I'm not sure if you want to talk about this yet, but I just wanted to ask how you are doing? Like for real?”

You sighed. You figured he was going to ask you about this at some point tonight, “Okay I guess. I mean not great but i'm going on. It’s whatever I guess” 

“It's not whatever. I'm really sorry that happened to you. It hurts, doesn’t it?”

You nodded softly and whispered out, “It does.” 

You were scared to ask but you knew you couldn’t go home tonight without asking Jimin, “How is he?”

He set his coffee on the table, “Not good. He misses you. A lot.”

Your heart broke at his words. You wished he just told you that Taehyung didn't give a shit. That he was doing great and that he was still fucking Jennie and didnt even notice that you weren’t in his life anymore. 

Part of you didn't believe his words, “Nah. I'm sure he’s fine.”

“No __________ he isn't. He doesn’t go out anymore. He just goes to class and soccer practice. That's it.”

You closed your eyes, processing what Jimin was saying. Why is he so upset? He broke your heart. He made you cry. He made you feel worthless so why is he acting like this? 

“Does he know you’re hanging out with me tonight?”

“Uh no. But I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. You said this was just as friends so there’s no reason for me to tell him and have him get all worked up about it,” Jimin said, shrugging his shoulders. 

You nodded, resting your hands on the picnic table, trying to take deep breaths to calm your nerves.

He stood up and sat next to you, his legs touching yours. He reached over and took your hands in his, “I don't know why he’s so torn up about this whole situation, especially since he broke your heart. I tried telling him that you need space and that it's completely fair of you to not want to be friends for now but he always dodges the conversation. I'll try talking to him again.”

Your voice cracked as you looked at Jimin, Thank you. For being a good friend. For listening to me. For caring about me.”

He put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into his embrace, “Of course. I just really want you and Taehyung to be okay. Both of you are my friends and I care about you guys a lot.” 

Jimin dropped you off at your dorm and told you to call him if you ever needed anything. You gave him a weak smile and went back to your room, feeling slightly okay.

You laid on your bed and checked Instagram since you hadn’t looked at it in a while. You noticed Jimin had something recently posted which was kinda odd because he rarely posted on his Instagram story and you were just with him. You clicked on his story and your eyes widened when you saw it was a picture of you captioned with a single purple heart. 

It was a photo he took of you sitting across from him at the picnic table. You were smiling at the strawberry cake in front of you. You couldn’t clearly see your face since your hair was somewhat covering it but if anyone knew you, it was very obvious. You were worried for a moment that Taehyung would see it before you remembered you two weren’t on speaking terms anymore. Well, its a cute picture and I had a good time with Jimin tonight so who cares? you thought, shrugging your worries away. 

———————————————————————————————————

The next morning, you woke up feeling better than you had in a long time. The weight that you had been dredging around for the past month or so had felt lighter. You grabbed your baking basket and some strawberries from your fridge, finally feeling the excitement to bake in a long time. You also wanted some time to think; a lot had changed since you came back home from break and you wanted to properly sort out how you were feeling about the whole situation. 

You tied up your hair, and laid out the ingredients to make strawberry muffins. You thought about Jennie as you mixed the flour, baking soda, and salt together. She was hurt too. You never really thought about how she felt in this whole situation, but in her own way, she was dealing with her own personal insecurities. She wanted Taehyung too and you had him in a way she never did. 

You were glad that you two were on friendly terms now because she was a sweet and kind person once you got to actually knowing her. You felt upset at the way Taehyung treated her. He knew her feelings and yet he continued to play with them, just like he played with yours. After hanging out with Jimin, you were also heartbroken to hear that Taehyung’s behavior hadn’t improved. You wanted him to recover just like you were. 

But it seemed like he needed you. And you didn't need him. You wanted him, that was for sure. But you didn’t need him because you were moving on. Each day it was getting easier to breathe and to think clearly. You began to mix the eggs, milk, and vanilla extract into the dry ingredients, slowly stirring as you thought. You paused and realized that you felt empty. Like your heart had finally gone numb. 

As if it were finally exhausted of the roller coaster of emotions you spent with him: anger, jealousy, nervousness, love, happiness. Your heart burned and burned and then suddenly turned to ice. You mixed the chopped up strawberry pieces with flour then added it to the batter. 

It felt nice, not feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. You thought about what Hana had told you when you came back, that if he couldn’t recognize your worth, then fuck him. And then suddenly you cared even less.  Because the only person’s validation you needed was your own. You evenly divided the batter into 12 equal portions in the muffin tin. You popped the tin into the oven and sat down on the empty chair. 

You didn't need Taehyung's validation, you didn't need his love, to feel complete. You were complete on your own. You still had sadness for him, you still wanted him, but after these past few weeks, you came to the realization that you were enough and that pining and sitting in your room all day, waiting for him wasn’t going to do you any good. You breathed out softly, trying to reassure yourself, “It's going to be fine.”

———————————————————————————————————

“You’ll really come?” Hana asked excitedly.

You were sitting on your bed, relaxing as you attempted to proofread your essay. 

“Ya, I will. I’m not really making any progress with this essay right now. So I'll come.” Hana had been trying to convince you to come to a party all day and you had finally agreed. It had been a while since you went out, especially with the whole situation with Taehyung going on, you rarely left your room. But now, you were feeling much better emotionally and mentally. 

You got ready with Hana, opting for a simple jeans and sweater because it was still cold outside. 

She told you that the party wasn’t at the BTS frat and it calmed your nerves a little. Even though you were feeling better, you didn’t know what you would do if you saw Taehyung. It was still too soon. The wounds he left still hurt. 

“EXO parties are always fucking insane,” Hana raved as you two entered the frat house.

“Why?” you asked curious

“Cuz they rarely have parties but when they do, they go all out.” she said smiling as you looked around. Your eyes widened when you saw a huge tower of beer cans stacked in the middle, a DJ at the front of the house, and several stripper poles.

“What the fuck…” you mumbled as you looked around. 

“Jungkook is here somewhere.” Hana muttered as she led you through the enormous crowd. 

She found Jungkook in the kitchen by drinks, talking with Yoongi and Hobi. The second Jungkook saw Hana he pulled her into a deep kiss. You were really happy for Hana but it stung. Would anyone ever love you like that? You sighed and said hello to Yoongi and Hobi. 

“How is it going _________. Haven’t seen you in awhile.” Hobi said, smiling widely. 

Yoongi elbowed him in the stomach and whispered loudly, “Bro, shut up.”

You laughed awkwardly, “It's okay. I'm fine. just been doing school stuff.”

Yoongi gave you a soft smile, “I'm glad you are doing well. I know it's all complicated but I hope we can all still be friends.”

You nodded, “Of course.”

 Hobi handed you a drink, “Try this.”

You looked in the red solo cup and it was a blue colored drink, “What the fuck is this?”

“There isn’t any alcohol! It's just a blue Hawaiian punch mixed with sprite.”

“That sounds like a heart attack in a cup.” Yoongi said, utterly confused at the combination. 

“I'm telling you, It's good. Try it _________.”

You took a sip and it was very sweet, but not bad tasting. “It's decent. Not terrible,” you said nodding. 

Jungkook came over with Hana wrapped in his hard, “Guys I heard that EXO got strippers for tonight. That’s fucking insane.”

Hana punched his arm and Jungkook exclaimed, “Owww. I never said I was going to do anything about it. Just stating a fact.”

You were laughing at Jungkook’s pure stupidity when someone caught your eye. Your heart stopped. Of course he was here tonight. All his friends were.  You hadn’t seen him since that day on your porch. Then you saw his arm wrapped around her. Then the sadness that was in your heart immediately bloomed into anger. What the fuck? All this fucking talk of not wanting a girlfriend yet he was here with her? 

Hana put a hand on your shoulder, “Do you want to leave? We can go.”

You shook your head, “I'm fine.” 

“I can literally beat his ass right now if you want,” She said aggressively.

Jungkong squeezed Hana’s shoulder, “That's my Hana, lovely and scary.”

You gave her a weak smile, “I'm okay. For real. I just need you to be here for me. Thats all.”

You hadn’t spoken or seen Taehyung since that day on your porch. He looked sad. You could tell. You knew him better than anyone else in your life. He was putting on a mask, pretending like he was happy. But you could see it, the hollowness in his cheeks, the fact that he hadn’t shaved because of all the stubble on his face, his curly hair now long and unruly because he hadn’t gotten a haircut in awhile. He was wearing a simple white shirt tucked into a pair of jeans (unfortunately he still did look hot but you weren’t going to admit that) 

He walked up to you guys with Jennie by his side. He gave you a glance but you didn't meet his eyes, quickly looking away. Jennie gave you a small wave and you returned it. It was kinda ironic because before you would focus on the fact that Jennie was with him but since you guys were friends now, you fixed your annoyance on Taehyung. 

Taehyung and Jennie were talking to the group casually but about five minutes into the conversation, you couldn’t handle it anymore, pretending like everything was fine when it really wasn’t. 

You slowly left the circle and leaned on the drinks table behind your group of friends, exhaling deeply.

Jimin walked over, grinning with his beautiful smile, “Hey”

He leaned against the table, standing right next to you, “Hi”

“Shitty party right?” Jimin said, chuckling.

“It just became shitty” you said, sipping your drink, eyeing Taehyung.

“I don't why he came here with her. He literally hasn’t properly spoken to her or seen her since last semester,” Jimin said sincerely.

“Ya well I don’t give a fuck. He can do whatever he wants. We aren’t even friends anymore,” You said harshly. 

You and Jimin chatted a bit, and you almost forgot your annoyance at Taehyung. Then he walked over, with a stupid smirk on his face, “Excuse me __________ could you move? You’re standing in front of the drinks.”

You glared at him as you sipped your drink cooly, shrugging your shoulders, “Sucks.”

He towered over you, giving you an intimidating stare, slowly biting his lip, “C’mon _______ don’t be a bitch. Just move/”

Jimin stood up straight, “What the fuck did you just say to her?”

Taehyung gave you a cold laugh and raised his eyebrows teasingly, “Wow __________ you really need him to fight your battles?”

You knew that Taehyung was pissed at this point but you wanted to push his buttons further. You spoke in a calm tone, knowing that would make him even more annoyed, “I don’t, but he does have something called manners which is something that you could use.” 

He leaned his face close to yours. You felt his breath tickling your neck as you got a whiff of his cologne, “Aww, I think you’re just salty _________” 

You took a step towards him, not wanting him to get the satisfaction that he could intimidate you, “What could I possibly be salty about?”

Taehyung gave you a cocky smile, “Maybe that I’m here with Jennie. It must sting a little.”

You clenched your jaw. He had stepped over the line now. You knew exactly what he was trying to imply, that he had moved on with her. You were mad because he was once again just using Jennie for his own douchebag reasons. You looked Taehyung directly in the eye and scoffed, “You’re a fucking asshole.” 

He put his hands up defensively, “Calm down _________ no need to make a scene.” 

The amount of anger that flared in you in that moment was unprecedented. You wanted to embarrass him. You wanted to humiliate him. You wanted him to know how you felt right now. 

Then an idea popped in your head. You gave him a small smile and spoke in a sweet, innocent voice, “Oh my gosh you’re right Taehyung. I shouldn’t make a scene.”

Then you dumped your entire blue drink on his white shirt and smiled. Taehyung's eyes widened as he looked at his ruined shirt and Jimin gasped in shock. The second you dropped your drink onto Taehyung, Jennie turned around and laughed at what you did. Taehyung's eyes met yours and you realized you might have gone too far. His eyes were dangerous and dark. But if you were going to be honest, it felt really fucking good to do that. 

You shrugged and said sweetly, “Oops” 

Taehyung growled, “What the fu-“

You crushed the red solo cup you were still clutching against his chest and let it drop to the ground, “Calm down Tae you wouldn’t want to make a scene, right?”

You smirked at him and walked away. You could hear Yoongi and Hobi laughing while Jimin was trying to apologize for your behavior. 

Hana was able to find you on the couch a few minutes later.

She was laughing as she sat down next to you, “___________ that was so fucking hilarious.”

“I knew you would appreciate it.”

“It was good. I thought it was funny.”

You knew something was up because she had a concerned look in her eyes

“But...?” You asked cautiously 

“How long is this going to go on between you and Taehyung?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you guys used to be best friends. Are you guys just going to hate each other from now on?”

“I’m not the one who needs to make amends. He was an asshole to me.”

“Both of you need to make amends. You guys just need to talk. I’m not saying you guys should be besties again or anything but I think you guys need to learn how to be civil with one another. This shit can’t keep happening every time you see each other.”

“I’m not talking to him Hana.” You said forcefully.

She sighed and got up, defeated. After a few minutes she came back with a huge smile.

“Oh my gosh __________ I need to tell you something!” 

“What?”

“We need to go somewhere private. No one else can hear,” She said tugging you from the couch.

You tried asking her questions as she dragged you but Hana wouldn’t budge.

She opened a door that revealed to be a closet and said, “Perfect. Let’s go in here.”

Hana pushed you in the closet and closed the door behind you two.

“Okay what’s going on Hana?”

She glanced at her phone as if she were waiting for a text or something, “oh um so...Jungkook told me that he loves me.”

“Really? Oh my gosh! Well, how do you feel about it?”

“Oh I told him I loved him back.”

“Did you mean it? Do you actually love him?”

“Of course! He’s kinda stupid but he’s so caring and he loves me so much.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows, confused, “Okay so what’s the problem? Why did you drag me into a closet to tell me this?”

Her phone buzzed, “I’ll be right back __________. Jungkook just texted me. Just stay right here, don’t leave.” She said as she left the closet, leaving you in the darkness.

You tapped your foot impatiently wondering what Hana was up to.

You heard hurried, rushed voices and then the door of the closer swung open. You heard a very familiar deep voice exclaim, “What the fuck Jimin? Why are you pushing me Into this closet?” 

The closet door slammed shut. 

You rolled your eyes, “You have got to be fucking with me.”

“___________?” Taehyung asked from the darkness next to you. 

You banged on the door, “Hana I swear to god let me out right now.”

You heard her muffled voice, “No! You guys need to talk!”

Taehyung pounded on the door next to you, “Jimin I’m not fucking around. Open the door. Now.”

Jimin's voice sounded strained, “I’m sorry guys! But this is good for you! You guys need to figure your shit out.”

You sighed, leaning against the door, “I hate both of you.”

Taehyung whispered out hoarsely, breaking the silence “This is your fucking fault.”

You turned to face him, shocked at his accusation, “My fault? How is this my fault? You were the one being a complete douchebag!” 

“You dumped your drink on me!” Taehyung exclaimed, pulling at his now blue stained shirt. 

You stabbed your finger in his chest,“You were the one who was being rude first!”

“You went out with my best friend!” 

You went quiet. What? Is he talking about Jimin? That was a while ago and even so, he has no right to care about who I go out with!

“Are you talking about Jimin?” You asked, annoyed.

“Who else posted you on their story with heart captions?” he scoffed.

“First of all, it's none of your business who I spend my time with. And second, not that it even matters, Jimin and I are just friends.”

He taunted, “Yea I’ve heard that one before.”

“Why the fuck do you even care Taehyung? We aren’t together, we aren’t even friends.”

He paused, trying to think of an answer, “Whatever. I don’t care. Do whatever you want. I just thought you were better than that.”

“Better than what? I'm so confused. I dont get why you are so angry with me. If anything, I'm the one who has the right to be angry right now.”

“You? Why do you get to be angry?”

“Because you broke my heart! And you're shoving it in my face. You're literally mocking my feelings. First you told me that my first kiss didn't matter, that it was only a kiss and I was making too much of it. And now you're here with Jennie, asking me if I feel jealous of her! Like how the fuck should I respond to that? All of your shitty actions made me realize that you don’t give a fuck about me and my feelings. I’m moving on from you Taehyung. You don’t want my love so I’m trying to move the fuck on. Isn’t this what you want?” You gasped out, holding back the tears forming in your eyes. You just had to let it all out, all of your hurt feelings that had been building up for the past couple of months. 

He wasn’t looking at you, just staring at the wooden floors of the closet, “I dunno. I just never thought you would just start talking to new guys already. I thought you wanted love.”

“I’m not the romantic you think I am. I’m not looking for someone to make me complete or to make me feel like I’m worth something. I am complete on my own and I know my worth. I just want to be with someone who can give me the same amount of love and appreciate I have finally figured out how to give myself.”

He made eye contact with you finally, “So what, we’re just going to cut each other off? Completely? Don’t you want me?”

You breathed out, leaning against the door, “I want you but I want you to want me too. I fucking miss you all day every day and you can’t even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because I don’t even know if you miss me back.”

His shoulder brushed against yours, his voice hoarse, “I've been a shitty friend. I'm sorry. I am really, really fucking sorry. We shouldn’t have kissed. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I don't regret it but I regret what it did to us. I regret how I acted afterwards. I’m so immature. I don't have feelings for Jennie. The only reason why I came tonight is because she told me you were coming. And I knew I just had to see you. But then when I saw you with Jimin, I just felt so jealous. Because that should have been me, we should have been here tonight, hanging out. But I fucked up. You told me you wanted those moments to be meaningful and I stole it from you. And that can’t be replaced. You deserve better than me, okay? But I want you back. I want us to be friends again. Because I’m fucking falling apart without you. I miss you so much. Please, can you forgive me? Can we be friends again?”

You looked into his huge brown doe eyes and your heart did a flip flop. Fuck I still love him. Even though pretending to not love him was exhausting, completely having him out of your life hurt a thousand times worse. God you were the biggest headass on the planet. 

You cringed at your own words, “Yea Tae, we can be friends.” 

He pulled you into a huge hug and didn't let go. You could feel your heart breaking in your chest, you could never tell him how much he’s hurt you. 

———————————————————————————————————

You felt like you were getting a literal migraine because of the deja vu you were experiencing, again. Pretending to be friends with Taehyung while secretly pining for him. It had been around a month or so since you two had reconciled and agreed to be friends again. 

But you still found yourself staring at him for too long when you sat at the picnic benches to do work, you still found your heart beating too fast whenever he would lean in close to you, you still found yourself in love with him. 

However, it was different this time because there was no ‘what if’ or ‘maybe’. He didn't love you the way you wanted him to. If you were going to be honest, you did appreciate knowing this. It made it easier to try to move on. Taehyung did have one thing wrong: you weren’t talking to new guys. Your method of moving on consisted of trying to remember the hurt things he did to you to stop yourself from falling further in the pit of despair. But for him, you could pretend like you were happy when you were actually sad; for him, you could pretend like you were strong when you were actually hurt. 

You were pretty sure he thought you didn't love him anymore. He acted completely normal around you, going on as if you two hadn’t had the biggest fall out in your friendship. It helped, you guessed, pretending. It was something you were both good at. 

You were sitting on your bed when your phone buzzed. It was a snap from Taehyung. You opened and groaned when you saw his snapchat. Taehyung had the infuriating habit of sending suggestive snaps. It was almost always a blurry selfie, very clearly indicating that he was shirtless (he told you he didn't see a reason to wear a shirt if he was in the comfort of his own room). You couldn’t help but feel your heart skip a beat when you caught a glimpse of his well defined collarbones. It was so on brand of him, to tease you like this. Luckily, he did have something actual to say and it wasn’t just a shirtless snap. 

He added the caption r u busy Saturday.

There was a nagging thought in your head that you had something planned on Saturday but you couldn’t remember. 

You snapped back a picture of your ceiling uhh I don’t think so.

Right away he responded (with another blurry selca) come to the soccer banquet w me

Oh shit. The soccer banquet. You had completely forgotten. Jimin had told you about the banquet last week while you two were waiting for biology class to start. He asked you if you wanted to go with him. You said maybe but Jimin told you that Taehyung was planning on asking you. Going with Jimin immediately sounded like a better option. You really just wanted to maintain some sort of distance from Taehyung, it made it easier to ignore the heartbreak. You ended up agreeing to go with Jimin as friends. 

you typed i kinda forgot but jimin actually asked me to go w him and i said ok.

he sent a clear picture of his face, his curly hair looking very fluffy oh, ok. have fun.

Fuck he was definitely mad. You nervously bit your lip, thinking if you should go with Taehyung and cancel with Jimin. 

You: taehyung just asked me about Saturday. He seemed kinda annoyed that I was going w u

Jimin: ah that makes sense. I just walked into the kitchen and he was eating my leftover dumplings.

You: I don’t want him to be upset. 

You: ugh maybe I just won’t go

Jimin: he just gets pouty sometimes it’s not a big deal

You: what if he shows up w a date? idk if i wanna see that

Jimin: it'll be ok. He might not even go anymore. I’ll tell u if he says anything 

You tried to occupy yourself with homework and studies so you wouldn’t frantic over the banquet. By the time the banquet day rolled around, Jimin heard nothing from Taehyung. He tried to reassure you that there was little chance Taehyung would actually show up since he hadn’t talked to any of the BTS members about it.

Hana also tried to calm your nerves as she helped you get ready but she had to leave you a bit early so she could help Jungkook (apparently the man was incapable of knotting a bowtie). She told you that she would finish her makeup and get dressed at his room so she would see you there.

You stared at yourself in the mirror, trying to think in positive thoughts. You were attempting to follow through on your mindset change and trying not to only focus on your insecurities. You combed through the loose waves in your hair, adjusting your soft pink tulle skirt. Jimin texted you that he was outside so you left your room quickly, just wanting for this night to be over already. 

He flashed his gorgeous smile at you, opening the car door for you, “You look so pretty __________.”

You gave him a weak smile, knowing he was just saying that to be nice, “Thank you Jimin. You look good too. I like your sunglasses.” 

He walked around to the other side of the car and drove to the banquet. Once you got there, you realized this event was insanely fancy. Since the BTS guys won the championship, they were essentially the guests of honor, with a few other teams receiving recognition for their own achievements. Jimin explained to you the different awards that would be presented tonight and told you a bit about the other teams. When he kept on droning on about the different roles of the midfielder position, you glanced around the large hall, a bit bored from Jimin’s monologue when you spotted him. I thought he wasn’t coming! He was alone, hands shoved in his pocket, walking coolly.

You internally groaned when you felt your heart skip a beat when you saw his fluffy hair. He was wearing black slacks, a soft pink collared shirt, and a white coat jacket with a black carnation pinned to it (191029 Taehyung). Once again, your thoughts immediately ran to “oh shit he’s hot.” His eyes met yours for a split second and you pretended not to see him, turning to listen back into Jimin’s lecture on soccer. 

After 15 more minutes of explaining the technicalities of shooting a goal, Jimin patted your shoulder softly, “I’ll go get us some drinks. I’ll be back.” 

You nodded at him and looked for Hana. You saw her sitting at a table with Jungkook so you walked over, not wanting to bump into Taehyung. 

“Hey!” She said giving you a hug. Hana looked stunning as always. She was wearing a deep red, long silk dress with a slit running from Her upper thigh.  You saw that Jungkook's bowtie matched her dress. 

You smiled at her, “How do you get prettier Hana? It’s not fair for the rest of us plebs.”

“Shut up. You look gorgeous. Trying to impress someone tonight?” She said teasingly, looking in the direction of Jimin.

You chuckled “oh no. We’re just friends. He asked me here as friends.”

She looked unconvinced, “Rightt.” 

You heard a voice go “ahem” behind you. You turned around at the sound of the familiar voice and saw Taehyung smirking at you. 

“Hey _________”

“Oh. Hey. “ You said nonchalantly.  

“Where’s Jimin?” Taehyung's eyes sparkled mischievously .

“He went to go get me a drink. He’s such a gentleman.” you said, trying to push his buttons a bit. 

He smiled, playing along with your game, “Of course. Except for the fact that he’s never had a steady relationship. And that he’s even more of a fuckboi than me.”

You rolled your eyes, “Taehyung you should probably go back to your date.”

He leaned in close, his breath tickling your neck and whispered huskily “You’re cute when you're jealous.”

Your face immediately reddened and you got up hastily, “Jimin’s probably waiting for me.” 

He pulled your arm back to face him, “If you must know, I came alone tonight. The only girl who I wanted to go with conveniently already had a date for tonight.”

You retorted back, snarkily, “If you must know, Jimin asked me properly, not the day before and through snapchat.”

You stormed away, infuriated at your own feelings and how you easily could fall for his one liners. You found Jimin talking with Namjoon, his girlfriend, and Yoongi. He smiled when he saw you, “Oh sorry. I just got a bit caught up. I have your drink.” He gave you a clear glass with a pink liquid, “It’s punch. No alcohol. Don’t worry.” 

Namjoon was talking about how he did not want to TA for biology lab next semester since the experience was a bit traumatizing, dealing with frantic and stressed out students at very inconvenient hours (you definitely being one of those students). Yoongi berated him for even signing up for such a draining job along with soccer and studies.

You spotted Taehyung from the corner of your eye, slowly inching into the conversation, first talking to Yoongi then Namjoon and his girlfriend. 

You were trying to focus on what Jimin was saying but you found yourself listening in Taehyung's conversation. 

You overheard him talking casually, “Yea I’m thinking about shaving my head. It’s just my hair has gotten way too long and curly. I can’t manage it” 

Your heart stopped. Not the curly hair. You were literally obsessed with his hair, and he knew it.  

You burst out from across the conversation, “Oh my god don’t touch your hair!”

He smirked and winked at you and you closed your eyes in embarrassment: you gave him exactly what he wanted, your attention.

Yoongi laughed “Damn __________ really likes your hair then Taehyungie. Guess you can’t cut it now.”

You felt your face redden even more when Jimin laughed at Yoongi's comment. 

Ugh Taehyung was pushing all your buttons. You walked away, annoyed at his behavior. You found a spot where there were little to no people and leaned on the cool marble wall, just observing the party from a distance. You saw Jungkook and Hana on the dance floor. Once again, you couldn’t help but feel a tad bit jealous. You wanted that and you wanted it with Taehyung. Hana threw her head back in laughter as Jungkook attempted to dance with her. 

“He’s always been shit at slow dancing,” You heard the voice behind you say. You already knew he would come and find you. He must want something otherwise why else would he be following you around like a lost puppy dog?

You didn't bother to look back at him, “Yea this is like the fourth time he’s stepped on Hana’s toes. I'm surprised she hasn’t kicked him in the shins yet.” 

You felt his shoulder brush against yours, “It's bound to happen at this rate.”

You laughed softly about to say something but you found yourself getting interrupted. 

A pretty girl that you didn't recognize came up to you two, extending her hand out to him, “Taehyung right?” 

He smiled sheepishly, shaking her hand awkwardly, “Uh yea. Sorry I don't know who you are. We didn't hook up right?”

She giggled, “No we didn't. I'm actually from Central University.”

“Ooh the rival school.”

She nodded, “Yep. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Yuna. If you're ever at Central for a game, you should totally let me know.”

You rolled your eyes, once again you found yourself in a situation where Taehyung was blatantly flirting in front of you. You blew on a dangling strand of hair that covered your eye. 

“Um sure. I'll let you know.”

She put her hand on her hip, “Great. Just dm me on Instagram.” She then walked away, completely ignoring the fact that you were standing right next to Taehyung the entire time. You couldn't help but feel insecure: why would she expect someone like Taehyung to be with someone like you? It didn't make sense. That's why she thought she could flirt with him and pretend like you were completely irrelevant, because you were. 

He looked at you, “Wow that was kinda weird.”

You crossed your arms, “Was it? I mean she just wanted to flirt with you.”

“She was flirting with me?”

You blew on the strand of hair again, “God you're dense.”

He shrugged, clearly not wanting to get into it, “Wanna dance?”

You shook your head, as you began to watch Jungkook and Hana again, “Not interested.”

“Not interested in dancing? Or not interested in dancing with me?”

“Both I guess.”

“So if Jimin asked you to dance, would you say no?”

“Why does it matter if it's Jimin?”

“It's just a question,” Taehyung said defensively. 

Your tone came out accusatory, “If it's just a question, then why do you care so much about the answer? Why are you following me around? Do you want something from me?”

“I don't want anything. I just want to talk to you. I just don't get why you came here with Jimin and not me. Is he your boyfriend or something like I just don't understand. Why did you choose him over me?” 

You looked over your shoulder and you found him staring at the marble, hands shoved deep in his pockets. You wanted to shout “I did choose you but you didn't want me” but you saw the hurt look on his face and simply sighed deeply, “I didn't choose anyone. He just asked me first.”

“Okay.” He paused for a moment then looked at you, “I'm sorry for being pushy.”

“I’m sorry too. I'm just tired. I didn't really wanna come here tonight. And I guess I feel kinda shitty.”

He looked up, “Why?”

You spoke softly, “I didn’t get to come here with the guy I really wanted to.”

Taehyung’s eyes met yours and the corner of his mouth lifted up in a smirk, “There's my strawberry girl.” 

You rolled your eyes at him, “You're so annoying.”

“Nope. I heard it. You said I was your first choice. You must not really think I'm annoying.”

“I think you are extensively annoying.”

“Hey! At least I didn't throw gatorade all over you.”

“I already said sorry for that! And for your information, it was blue hawaiian punch and sprite. And Hobi made it. So if anything you should be getting mad at him.”

“Alright, next time I see him, I'll throw blue hawaiian punch at him.”

“Go ahead. I will not be stopping you. But I will also not be responsible for him dislocating your shoulder.” 

He winced in pain as he rolled his shoulder, “Ugh, he doesnt need to that since I already dislocated the stupid thing myself.”

You wrinkled your eyebrows in concern, “Why? What happened? What did you do?”

He laughed nervously, “Well, Jimin was trying to teach me how to do like a front roll and I kinda ended up putting too much weight on my right shoulder and it fucking hurts every time I move it.” 

“Did you go to the nurse? Did you ice it? Have you taken tylenol or ibuprofen?”

“Um, no, no, and no”

“What the fuck Taehyung! Why didn't you do anything? Did you not tell anyone?”

“Uhhh, no I didn't tell anyone”

You punched his left arm, “Why not?”

“Ow! Don't dislocate the other one!” he rubbed his arm where you punched him, “Because…I didn't want anyone to worry.”

“Well I'm worrying right now!”

Then he had the audacity to give his boxy smile to you, “I know and it's honestly pretty adorable.”

You crossed your arms and scoffed, “Oh my god, you are insufferable.” 

“It's not a big deal ___________ .I'll be fine.”

You asked, “Are you in pain right now?” 

He massaged his shoulder and winced again, “Eh it's fine. I can manage.”

You pulled his arm, “Cmon lets go. Let me take a look and see if it's actually dislocated and if it's bad we can go to the nurse tomorrow.” 

“Where are we going?” he said trailing behind you.

“Lets just go back to your dorm. It's closer and I'm betting you have more medicine than I have.”

You made your way through the crowd before remembering that you should probably tell Hana you're leaving, “Uh Taehyung, can you get the car and meet me by the front? I just need to say bye to Hana really quick”

He nodded and let go of your hand.

You glanced around the hall and saw Hana by the drinks with Jungkook and some of the other guys. 

You walked over to her, “Hey Hana! Im gonna leave now.”

She looked around and then giggled, “Ooh are you leaving?”

You nodded, not sure what she was trying to imply.

She laughed again, wriggling her eyebrows, “Are you going to leave with him?”

“Um..” You didn't want to tell her that you were leaving with Taehyung because she would not let you do that but you didn't want to lie to her, “Uh um actually I j-“

She cut you off, “Oh my gosh I'm so excited for you. Jimin is so sweet. Have fun!!” 

You thought about clarifying the situation to her but it was whatever now. You would explain in the morning. 

As you walked away, you turned around and saw Hana smiling widely and Jungkook giving you a thumbs up. God this is so embarrassing. But you didnt know what was worse: having them think you were going to have sex with Park Jimin when you really weren’t or having them realize you were going with Taehyung, your unrequited love. 

You walked out of the building and found Taehyung in his car, waiting for you. You quickly got in, not wanting anyone to see you and he drove away. 

He pulled up to the frat house and he led you to his room. For once, you didn't feel anxious. You were only here to see if his shoulder was okay. And then you would leave to go to your dorm. And not think about how much you wanted to kiss him. 

You raided their medicine cabinet and found some Tylenol and some muscle pain reliever cream. 

You re-entered his bedroom and saw him facing his closet, back towards you.

Your mouth went dry when he took off his white coat and began to unbutton his shirt. He removed his shirt to reveal his honey colored skin. 

You quickly looked away when you heard him unzipping his pants. God why is he so comfortable with taking off his clothes in front of me? You tried to distract yourself with your phone but you couldn’t help but peak. He pulled on a plain navy blue short sleeved shirt and remained in his forest green boxers. He walked over, messing with his curly hair, and sat down on the edge of the bed, right next to you. Now you started to feel your heart pound again, his closeness was making it hard for you to stay calm. You hated the effect he had on you. He could make you nervous without even trying. 

Taehyung spoke, chuckling, “Are you okay? Your cheeks are kinda pink.”

“I’m fine. Now let me just see your shoulder.” 

You slowly pressed on his shoulder and he groaned in pain. You bit your lip, thinking about what to do. 

“Can you um take off your shirt? I just want to see if th-“

He excitedly took it off, “You don't have to ask me twice.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You tried to focus on his shoulder and not get distracted by his really attractive body. You scanned his shoulder and found a huge bruise on the back of his shoulder. 

“Okay so good news I don’t think it's dislocated. There's just a huge bruise here. Which I cannot believe you didn’t notice since it’s the size of my hand.”

“Well your hand is small so..”

“Shut up. Anyways, I think you just have to leave it and let it heal on its own. You can put this cream on and it can help with the pain and also take Tylenol.”

“Can you put the cream on me? Please?” he whined.

“God you're so an-“

“I know I know I'm annoying. Now pleaseee!”

You put some of the cream on your hand and put it on his shoulder. 

“Done.”

“You didn't even rub it in!”

You really were not interested in rubbing your hands all over his chest, “Taehyung, can't you just do it?”

“It's literally on my back I can't reach it! Pleaseee!”

You huffed, annoyed at his puppy dog eyes that could literally convince you to do anything. You slowly rubbed the cream on his shoulder, trying hard not to think how soft his skin felt, how toned his body was, and how his body was literally radiating so much heat, making your entire face flush.

“Your hands are literally so soft __________. I should hire you to do massages for me.”

You chuckled nervously, trying to hide your blushing face, “Well for you it would be $1000.”

You wiped your hands on a napkin, “Anyways, I should go. I'm sure you’ve got someone to meet.” You started to get up, but he pulled you back next to him.

“I have nothing to do. Just sit with me. We never hang out anymore. I mean it's usually never just the two of us.”

Why the fuck does he have to do this? Why is he still acting so flirty? Doesn't he know it hurts me? 

You felt the anxiety building up in your heart, you just really, really fucking wanted to get over him. You sat on the bed, a little too close to him for your taste.

“Can I tell you a secret _________?” he said leaning back on his bed, pulling on his shirt.

“What?”

He gave you his iconic teasing smirk, “You were my first crush.”

He was yours too. Kinda pathetic right? You loved him since 3rd grade and here you are, so many years later, still in love with him.

“I didn't know that,” you said, adjusting your sitting position. You rested your head comfortably against the headboard, crossing your legs.

“Yep, I had a crush on you in second grade. And third grade. and also fourth. Then in 5th grade, all the boys collectively decided girls were gross so I had to pretend I didn't like you.” He said, scooting so his shoulder was pressing against yours.

You chuckled, “I remember that. You told me I had cooties and that we couldn’t hang out anymore.”

“Yea I was kinda stupid then.”

“Just then?” You said teasingly.

He ruffled his hair, “Okay I’m still kinda stupid. But I got better with girls.”

You felt a pang to your heart. He got better with girls and fell out of his crush for you because he probably came to the not so surprising conclusion that there were so many other pretty girls. Obviously his crush on you was because you were just children, nothing that actually meant anything real. His feelings for you were absolutely none existent now. You had to keep reminding yourself of that. 

“Is that why you used to pick flowers from the neighbor’s garden for me?” You said, recalling your younger days with Taehyung

He nodded, laughing “Yea I didn't really know how to impress you but I noticed you would always talk about how pretty their flowers were. And thus the romancing began.”

“I appreciated the flowers for sure, not so much all the teasing.” You were fiddling with your hands, recalling how Taehyung used to pull at your braids or do stupid things like get detention just to get your attention.

Taehyung shrugged, “Don't you know ____________ that's how boys flirt. They tease the girls they like, just so they can see them blush and smile.”

“Hmm I guess. Jungkook did that to Hana a lot, and he honestly still teases her. it's so cute.” 

“Hey! Whenever i tease you, you just punch me or call me fucking annoying.”

“It's different.” 

“How?”

“Cause you're not flirting with me. You're just teasing me cuz we’re friends. So its different.”

“What if I told you that I tease you to see that cute blush on your face?”

This was getting too much. You couldn’t take it. He was doing the same exact shit again. You couldn’t handle being his friend if he was going to act like this. You knew Taehyung was a naturally flirty person but it was different now. You had actual feelings for him and he didn't so all of this teasing and flirting was just shoving your heartbreak back into your face. If this friendship was going to last, you needed to set some boundaries with him. The old you wouldn't have done this. Before, you would have just brushed it off, ignoring all of his flirty comments. But you were going to put yourself and your feelings first now. 

You spoke seriously, “Taehyung, I can't be your friend if you're going to act like this. You can't flirt with me okay? Friends don’t flirt with each other. Friends are just friends and nothing more. This is what you wanted so please make this easier for me.”

The mischievousness and the dangerous flirtiness disappeared replaced with your weakness, his innocent huge doe eyes, “Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize.”

You stared at your hands in your lap, “It's okay.”

You looked at him and gave him a reassuring smile. Taehyung slowly bit his lip and leaned his face close to yours, “Do you still like me?”

You were taken aback by his closeness, “Of course I like you, I mean we are still friends.”

He leaned in even closer, his nose touching yours, his breath tickling your neck, “No, I mean do you like me, like me? Are you still in love with me?”

Your heart was beating out of your chest, you felt like you couldn’t breathe, he was so close to your face. You couldn’t lie to him, he would know right away. Looking deep into his eyes, you softly nodded.

He broke into his boxy grin and licked his lips, his gaze dropping to your lips, “Good, because it will make this a lot easier.” 

Then he kissed you. Hard. He pushed you into the pillows on the bed, his legs planted on each side of your hips, his body pressing into yours all while kissing you deeply. Your entire body was electrified, buzzing. It felt so good again, so comforting, so natural. One of his hands traveled to your face, cupping your cheek while the other pressed into the curve of your waist. Your hands immediately twisted into his curls. His lips were warm and soft, just like you remembered. He softly bit your lower lip and you gasped, providing him an opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. You couldn’t help but moaned against his mouth when you felt his tongue. Taehyung rasped into your ear, sending shivers through your body, “Fuck you’re beautiful.” He pushed his chest against yours, kissing you deeper as if he was trying to get closer.

You broke the kiss, the flavor of strawberry still tingling on your lips, completely out of breath, your heart hammering. You looked up at him hovering above you, his lips swollen from kissing you, “Tae, what..? I’m confused. I cant be your fuck buddy or something. I have feelings for you and I know you don't lo-“

He stopped your sentence by kissing your lips softly and slowly. He pulled away slowly, his eyes dancing with excitement. He kissed your cheek sweetly. He spoke, his voice deep and melodic, “I love you ____________”

Your eyes widened in disbelief, you laughed nervously as you sat up properly, “No, no, you don't love me Taehyung. You don't have feelings for me. You told me that.”

He settled next to you as he took your hands in his, “I told you that I was confused and that I wasn’t sure. I never said that I didn't have any feelings for you.”

You shook your head, remembering what Hana told you, “Taehyung if you said you were confused, it means you didn't have feelings. People say they are confused when they are trying to be nice. If you had real feelings for me, then you wouldn’t be confused, you would know that.”

His words came out as a whisper, “I know it now. I know I love you. All these years, I grew to be in love with you and I think I fell in love with you but I didn’t realize it until you told me how you felt. I realized once you weren’t in my life anymore, everything felt different. I didn’t realize I loved you until I did. And I don’t love the idea of you. I love you. Your smiles, your laughs, the way you say fuck in every sentence, The way you call me headass. I love you more than you could possibly understand.”

For the first time, you were completely speechless. You looked around and blinked a few times just to make sure that you weren’t in a dream. Actually what would be worse is if he took it all back. Just like how he did with the first kiss. You were literally on cloud 9 and then he broke the reality to you that he didn't have feelings for you.

He spoke again “I don't know if this is too much right now but if you want I can give you space. i can give you time. I can give you all the time in the world because I'll wait for you.  Cause frankly the way that I see it, you and me? We’re Inevitable.”

 Your hand came up to his cheek, “Taehyung, are you being serious? Are you telling me the truth right now? Do you actually love me? I just…I don't know what I would do if you didn't mean every word you just said right now.”

“I'm sorry _________. I was scared of my feelings. That's why I acted the way I did. The way I feel about you is like nothing I’ve felt before, so I was scared. And I was confused. But I do love you. Everything that happens to you matters to me. You're worth everything and more to me. And I want this. I want you. So badly.”

Your heart swelled, you couldn’t think properly not only because he kissed you but also because of his confession that you waited for since high school. You cupped his cheek and whispered hoarsely, “Kiss me…please.” 

Taehyung then rolled on top of you, pinning you underneath him. He gave you a smirk that made your heart skip a beat and pressed his soft lips against yours once again. He went slowly this time as if he were trying to memorize your lips. Your hands wrapped around his neck, trying to bring him closer to you. The hand on your waist traveled to the outside of your thigh and he slowly wrapped your leg around his waist, pushing his body into yours. He pushed his tongue into your mouth eagerly, and his hand on your leg slowly traveled up your body just until his thumb grazed the underside of your breast. You unconsciously arched up into his touch as your breath hitched at the contact, never having been touched there before. He growled softly, “Fuck, you’re such a good girl.” 

You whimpered as you melted against his plushy lips. His lips left yours as he softly kissed your jaw. Your heart began to pound, you knew where this was going but you were scared. You had never done this before and he had dozens of times with much more beautiful girls. Your anxiety began to crawl over your mind and you exhaled uncomfortably. He felt your body tense so he removed his lips from your jaw. 

He spoke softly, “Hey, are you okay? We don't have to do anything. We can just sit on the bed and chill.”

You tried to control your breathing, “No it's not that. I want to but…I'm nervous. i've never done this before. and you have. a lot. with much more pretty girls. I just…I’m scared..I have no idea what I'm doing.”

Taehyung kissed your cheek, then your forehead, then your lips. He looked deep into your eyes, “You’re beautiful, you know that? Like ridiculously stunning. It's honestly not fair. But I also want you to know I love you for you. The way my heart skips a beat when you talk about what you're passionate about, the way you know what exactly to say to me, the way you aren’t afraid of calling people out on their bullshit. You're my dream girl. Also don't worry about not knowing what to do.  Let me take care of you.”

You nodded softly, your heart completely elated at his words. You had never felt like this before, so loved, so wanted, so warm, “Okay.”

 He slowly began to trace his lips along your jaw and neck, sucking and biting softly with the hot and open mouth kisses. Your mind was completely hazy as you sighed deeply, heart racing. You heard him whisper “mine” into your skin in between kisses and soft bites. 

He made his way back to your lips. You uncontrollably moaned into his lips when he licked into your mouth. Taehyung groaned softly, “Fuck you taste so good.” He bit on your lower lip again when his hips pressed into yours. You moaned his name breathlessly, your cheeks completely red, feeling embarrassed at how desperate you sound. 

He stopped kissing you for a moment and you realized you were completely out of breath. You looked up at him, his pupils were completely blown, his curly hair a mess, a glint of adoration in his eyes. You tugged at his shirt, “Can you take this off?”

Taehyung kissed your forehead, “Of course princess.” He pulled off his shirt and looked at you with his sincere eyes, “Whenever you want to stop, we can stop, tonight is about you.”

You nodded, knowing he would immediately pause whenever you started to feel nervous or anxious. Your words tumbled out when you saw his defined golden body, “You're so hot”

He immediately cupped your face, pulling you in for a needy kiss. He broke away for a moment, “I’ve waited so long to hear those words from you.”

You smiled shyly, “I've always thought you were hot. I just never wanted to tell you.”

He kissed you softly, “What else do you like about me? What do you love about me?”

You tried to hide a smile, looking up at him, “um..”

He gave a fake gasp, “Um?!”

Your cheeks twinged red and you began to ramble, “Sorry! I know what I love about you but it's hard for me to pinpoint. I love just everything. Your personality, you're so kind and sweet and gentle and you make me feel like I matter. You listen to me, like actually listen and care. I mean you're the one I think about as I lie awake at night. I also love how yo-“

He cut you off with a kiss and pulled away delicately, “You are so cute.”

You anchored one of your hands in his hair and one around his neck, pressing your lips against his, warmth coursing through your body. Your eyes rolled back as his hips rolled against yours. He whispered, his voice low and husky, “Fuck, you’re so needy for me.” He continued to place open mouth kisses on your lips, his hands remaining your waist, pressing into your body. 

You trembled as you moaned breathlessly when you felt his fingers slip underneath your shirt, skimming  the waistband of your underwear. You couldn’t stop panting into his mouth. you felt his breath tickled your neck, nipping gently, when he praised, “You're being so good for me.”

You were completely intoxicated in his touch, sucking on his bottom lip, responding to his praises with soft moans of his name, with one leg of yours wrapped around his waist.

“Tae.”

“Yes princess?”

“I want you.”

“You have me.”

“No I want you, want you.”

His eyes blinked in realization of what you were saying. He kissed your lips softly again, one hand on your cheek, the other twirling your hair, “Are you sure?”

“Yes”

“Just because you say yes now doesn’t mean you can't say no later. So whenever you want to stop, we stop.”

You nodded, reassuring him you would definitely let him know if you wanted to stop. But you knew you wouldn’t want to. You had wanted this so badly for so long. You trusted him completely, he was your best friend and the only guy you had ever loved. 

Taehyung flashed his boxy smile at you. He tilted your chin as he kissed you deeply. He spoke in his deep voice, sending trembles through your body,  “I can’t wait to fucking wreck you.”

———————————————————————————————————

You tapped your foot impatiently, waiting by the entrance of the building, leaning on the cream colored column. 

He was late. Of course he was late. Even though you reminded him this morning about your plans together. You looked at your phone for the third time in the past ten minutes. No text yet.

You heard the rumblings of thunder, indicating it was going to rain soon. You sighed and stepped into the building, tired of waiting for him. You placed your purse in the x-ray and stepped through the scanner. You walked around and found a bench in front of a large photograph depicting two modestly dressed women looking at each other on beige steps. You stared at the photograph for a few minutes, wishing that the person who would appreciate it the most was here next to you. You felt a tap on your shoulder so you looked to your right and then heard his voice from your left, “Hi.”

You crossed your arms, annoyed, “You're late.”

His curly hair was messy, and he was still breathing heavily as if he just ran all the way here. He sat down next to you and he kissed your cheek, “I know, I know. I'm sorry. I got caught up with Jimin. We were playing smash and then I forgot about the time.”

“Taehyung, I planned this because it was something you were excited about.”

He cupped your cheek, “I know and I thoroughly appreciate it. You're way too good for me.”

You couldn’t help but blush, “Shut the fuck up. I'm mad at you.”

“Aww you're adorable.” he smirked at you, “Nice hickey, by the way,” 

You gasped, clasping your hands over your neck. You felt your face heating up, scandalized by his actions,  “Taehyung! I told you not to make it so visible. This is so embarrassing.”

“Sorry but not really. I like seeing you blush.” He tugged on your arm, lifting you up from the bench, “Now c'mon, lets go look around. It's not everyday I get to walk around a photography museum with my girlfriend.”

After spending a few hours walking through each and every exhibit in the museum, you were thoroughly exhausted. Taehyung held your hand as you walked out of the museum. It was getting dark, with the soft light of the street lamps giving a warm glow. it was sprinkling, giving the air a cool misty tinge. 

Taehyung sat on the wooden bench facing the gardens outside the museum, and pulled you onto his lap. It started to rain harder but the pitter patter of the rain drops on the cobblestone was comforting, reminding you of home. He looked at you with his huge eyes that were sparkling in the dim moonlight. 

You smiled, “What?”

He returned your smile, “Nothing. I just can't believe I get to date my best friend.”

You tried to hide your smile, “You're so mushy.”

He leaned in close to you, “What? I can't say romantic things to my strawberry girl?”

You pressed your lips against his, warmth coursing through your body. He whispered softly, “Your lips are so soft, I could kiss them all day.”

You smiled against his lips, kissing him once more.

“___________”

“Yes?”

“I want you to know, It was always you. You’re my beginning and my end.”

You rested your forehead against his, feeling his hands planted on your hips, “From the moment you called me strawberry girl, I knew it was always you.”

Taehyung looked at you with concern in his eyes, “Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?”

“About loving me.”

You leaned away to study his face, “Of course I’m sure. Why do you ask?”

“I’m scared...that you might love me now but in a few years you might hate me...you might fall out of love with me...that you won’t want me anymore. What happens if you see a side of me that makes you not want me anymore? I can’t help but wonder what I will do if you don’t want me.” 

You cupped his face in your hands, speaking seriously, “I’ll always want you. I’ll always love you. I always have loved you. Even when we fight, even when we say horrible things to each other, we somehow always make our way back to each other. I know you, I’ve seen every side of you good and bad and I want it all.”

He held your hands that were pressed against his face and said gently, “It’s kinda hard for me to put into words but I love you in ways I have never loved anyone else.”

You rested your forehead against his, letting the rain tickle your cheeks as your lips pressed against his.

author’s note: i love the rain aesthetic; its so comforting and romantic (esp the idea of kissing in the rain) anyways thank you to everyone for reading. i really, really never thought anyone would be reading my writing, much less relate and invest in strawberry girl so thank you to everyone who has been following along w the story! i wanted to make the mc as realistic as possible and insecurities is something that we all have to face. bts has been such an important symbol of self love and im so thankful for that bc theyve changed the lives of so many armys! im rambling lol ty for reading and i hope you all enjoyed the final part of strawberry girl. 🥺💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

tags: @fleurmoon @tangledsparkles @chocolatebelievercrusade @brokenobserver @ncitydreamies @soulstaes @bonnyskies @thelilbutifulthings @busansgloss @imluckybitches @xlectrahearts @embrace-themagic @bts-dreamybaby @belshka @trinbin039 @xxlostinseoul @sheislikearock @madjammil @guksflavor @yn-the-reader @kingjvngins @ggukkieland @waves-and-woods @aa-ronpa @agabud @n-dingscene @daydreamersblog @dionysusrage @coolinwbu 

[sunsinrinn]

Secrets Part 4.

Bakugo x reader, Bakugo x Uraraka, Kirishima x Reader

Fluff, language, very little angst

Word Count: 1,266

Idea: Y/n has a secret to share with bakugo not expecting a secret from him. She leaves heart broken and attempts to move on. But how will she move on if her secret can no longer be hidden? She fakes a relationship hoping its enough to not expose the true origin of the secret. (This is a terrible summary but I cant say much without spoiling future parts. 🙃)

(Y/n is roughly about 4 months pregnant going on 5 months )

“Mina- Y/n is not huge-“

Mina ignores kirishima and looks at you, she grabs your belly, “Oh my god you and bakugo finally got pregnant!”

You stiffen when you hear that and out of the corner of your eye you see kirishima does too.

“Actually mina... Me and bakugo are not together anymore...”

“WHAT?! WHY?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!”

“Mina dont be so loud... Let’s talk about this at that cafe over there”

Mina looks over to where you are pointing and nods, “Fine” she grabs your arm and practically drags you there so you can hurry and tell her the tea. Kirishima rushes after you not wanting you to be alone.

As you sit down Mina speaks up again, “Alright tell me already!”

You look at her and sigh, “We are not together anymore because he cheated on me...”

She looks at you in disbelief, “Why the hell would he do that bullshit? And with who??”

“Ochaco” She widens her eyes. “NO FUCKING WAY- YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT BITCH HAS BEEN ACTING INNOCENT EVERY TIME I SEE HER?”

Kirishima looks around and apologizes your the pink haired girl’s outburst.

You hush mina and she glares at you but lowers her voice, “Okay so he cheated on you but why are you pregnant?” She gasps and speaks again, “Don’t fucking tell me he left you alone pregnant? I will kill that son of a bitch”

“NO-no Mina the child isn’t his.”

She looks at you confused, “Then who’s is it?” She looks over at kirishima who suddenly becomes interested on that slightly off colored tile on the floor. “ITS KIRISHIMA’S?” You shush her again so she says it lower, “its kirishima’s??!”

You and him nod at the same time. You feel a bit guilty lying about the real identity of the baby daddy but its better if no one knew. “Well at least you now have someone who cares and will stay loyal no matter what pussy ass skank bitch throws herself at him.” You sense the shade thrown at Ochaco but stay quiet.

You look at kirishima and see he’s looking at you smiling. You smile back and look back over to mina who is deep in thought. After a moment of silence she speaks up, “When will the others know about you’re baby?”

“We actually don’t know how we will tell the others...”

She gives you a sly smile and responds, “I know the perfect way”

You are filled with dread knowing she likes to go overboard, you look at kirishima and you see the same reaction. “What are you thinking of?”

“A BABY SHOWER!”

Your face brightens up, “Oh that’s a great idea! Right Kiri?”

He looks at your face and nods, “Yeah mina that is a great idea”

“Then its settled. I will plan it all out!”

“Are you sure Mina? I can help? I am literally home all day now.”

“No, no, I can do this myself. Are you home now because of the pregnancy?”

You nodd, “Yeah I’m not gonna do any hero work until after the baby is born”

“Well okay, you can help with some stuff..”

“Thank you!”

“Wait- does the public know you’re on a leave? Or that your no longer with Bakugo?”

You shake your head, “They don’t which is a good thing because then no one will really know I am pregnant.”

Kirishima reaches for your hand and says, “We should go continue shopping before it gets late baby”

You blush at his name he gave you but nod, “Its been great catching up with you Mina! I’ll talk to you soon about the baby shower!”

Mina waves and shouts as you leave, “Congratulations again on your baby, y/n! I’ll see you soon!”

You walk with Kirishima back to the stores and end up buying a couple of things for yourself to wear and for the baby. Kirishima almost bought everything they sold in the baby section but you stopped him from going overboard. “Kiri, this baby will be spoiled rotten if you continue to buy so many things for them!” You laugh at his small blush and hear him say, “I just want the little angel to know just how much I love them!” You nod, “I understand, darling but lets tone it down a bit, how will we carry all of this home?” He looks at the pie of bags you both have got and sheepishly smiles, “You’re right lets go home now”

You give him a small kiss on the cheek and head home.

After putting away all the things you guys bought Kirishima puts on the news as background noise while you both start dinner.

After finishing dinner, You begin to serve but stop when you hear your name on the news,

“Now for todays news, Pro Hero (hero name) is no longer doing hero work until the foreseeable future. We have gathered intel and found out that they are leaving hero work for now because they are pregnant!” You scoff and laugh because damn. They’re late to figure that out.

“An anonymous tip says she cheated on Pro Hero Ground Zero with his best friend Red Riot.They are seen multiple times together holding hands out in public. Ground Zero has refused to comment and we have yet to hear confirmation from (hero name)

Or Red Riot”

With that you become angry because first of all how dare they assume your a cheater. If anyone is the cheater its Bakugo. Kirishima walks to you when he hears the news and wraps his arms around you. “Don’t fucking listen to them, babe. Tomorrow, you and I will give out an official statement together.” He pulls away and looks at you before giving you a soft kiss. “Come on lets eat, babe.” You nod and finish serving dinner.

Midway through dinner you hear frantic knocking on the door. Before you get up Kirishima gets up and rushes to open the door to find Izuku looking at you both with wide eyes and Shoto behind him. “Is it true?!” Izuku walks in followed by Shoto.

“Nice to see you too Izuku” Kirishima says sarcastically.

Izuku glares at him but asks you again, “Y/N! Is it true you’re pregnant?”

“Izuku for being my neighbor and seeing me everyday you sure are blinder than a fucking bat”

He blushes but continues, “I didn’t know! I am shocked you didn’t tell me! You’re best friend!”

Kirishima who fakes being hurt from Izuku’s words, “I thought I was her best friend!”

“No, you’re the boyfriend” both you and Izuku say

Kirishima acts hurt, “oH wow- Shoto help me out here- wait why are you here?”

Shoto and Izuku blush at the same time.

“Kiri, baby, isn’t it obvious? They’re boning each other”

At your words both boys turn even redder and begin stuttering before finally izuku manages to get out a proper answer, “We did not come here to talk about me and shoto boning-“

You and kirishima burst out laughing as Shoto and Izuku look embarrassed even more.

“Okay okay lets stop being mean kiri baby” he stops but continues to smirk at the couple in front.

“Izuku will it make you feel better and forgive us for not telling you we are expecting, if I say I want you and Shoto to be the god parents?”

“Hell yeah, shoto you hear that? We are future god parents!” Shoto smiles and nods at Izuku as you shake you’re head.

Shoto speaks up after a while,

“So Kirishima, how does it feel to be a dad?”

SERIES MASTERLIST — Part 5

A/N- Another chapter! Yay! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3 If you’d like to be tagged in future parts or future works dont hesitate to dm, ask, or comment! I hope you guys had a lovely day today! Also if you asked to be tagged and I didnt tag you send me a dm so I can fix it :)

Secrets taglist: @hero-ink-pillar , @silentw-lkr , @ushiwakatrash , @purple-rabanito

[luna0713hunter]

Steal My Heart : Part (1/?)

Based on this post

tags : @rosecatgirl9 ,@daughterofthedead2 ,@solangeloandtheolympians ,@simpingforpjo ,@i-hated-the-recommended-names ,@

Summary :

"and I promise,I'll take very bullet if it means I can protect you..."

as he watched his crush get married,Nico di angelo,a successful detective at section C (Crime and Murder Department) of a secret agency,thought he could never love again...

that is until a very annoying and handsome partner,William Solace,joined them...

and Nico never wanted to both kill and kiss a guy so bad...

read on ao3

Love is hard.

If you ask anyone on the planet,they'd say the same thing.

some would say love comes with pain,but that pain is worth it.

some would say everyone will find love one day,no matter how much it takes.

some would say love is just in fairy tales,that it isnt real.

and some...well,they would say its a dumb thing to do,falling in love...

but would they do it again?

yes. they would fall in love over and over again,until they find the ONE person they're looking for...

Love is hard,specially if you sit at your crush's bachelor party,having to smile and wish him a great life when you know you can't be part of it...

having to sit there and watch him kiss the love of his life,his hands encircling the others',whispering the things you'll never know in their ear...

yes,love was hard,but would you ever stop loving the person you adored for years?

maybe... if you find the right one to love instead...

"Bullshit!"

Nico di Angelo,swallowed down his fifth glass of champagne,reaching up to lose the black tie around his neck,motioning for more drink to a coworker near by.

"Nico,just listen to me... you know you will find the right person some day-"

this time,the pretty drunk Nico,flipped his cousin off as he reached for his sixth drink

"oh shut the fuck up Jason!!!I dont want to hear you giving me love advices!"

Jason Grace,glared at the shorter man as he reached for another drink,only to find the glass empty...

"how the hell can you get drunk on champagne?!"

Nico merely shrugged,grinning in victory as he found a full bottle,popping open the lid and swallowing down the liquid director from the bottle.

He let out a sigh out of relief as he felt the familiar feeling of numbness settling down in his system.

'good ' he thought in haze 'Soon I wont remember anything about this mess.'

he flopped himself on his chair,rested his feet on the table and suddenly rose his champagne bottle high in the air

"TO PERCY AND ANNABETH !"

and after that,he blacked out.

Nico let out a loud groan as a ray of sunlight shone straight in his eyes.

he tried to block the path with his hand,but even the slightest movement made a new wave of nausea and headache shoot through his body.

he goaned again,lifting his just slightly to come face to face with a tan hand, holding a bottle of water right in front of his face.

"what the fuck-"

"just drink it."

the voice belonged to a man... and Nico had to admit,even though he couldn't see the guy,because of his blurry eyesight,it has a nice ring to it...

he accepted the bottle,gulping down the water as much as he could,and rubbed his temple as he finally had the strange to life his hand,and raised his head to thank the guy-

and he was breathtaking...

he must've been around his age,24,or a year older...

the young man had sandy blonde curls,that were shinning a beautiful shade of strawberry blonde in the first rays of sunshine...

and his eyes...

its been so long since Nico had seen such bright eyes... and he could swear on his life that he had never seen such shades of blue... so so blue....

his skin had a nice tone of gold,matching perfectly with the consultation of freckles that had been spread across his cheeks,all the way to his neck... and Nico had to wonder if he had the freckles even lower-

"may I ask why you were sleeping on your desk?"

and that was probably the thing he should've paid attention to..

Nico let out a groan and took another gulp of his water before realizing he had drank it dry.

"we had a lil party here last night. and I probably got too drunk to go back home... and my best guess is my asshole of friends left me here."

the blonde guy let out a snort,which shouldn't have been so attractive...

Nico only blamed his still drunk mind...

"you think that you're probably drunk?

dude,you have a hang over and you would've probably threw up if I hadn't come and handed you my bottle of water!"

Nico let out a scowl as the guy mimicked his tone on 'probably'

"oh fuck off Blondie!"

the guy only raised an eyebrow at him

"someone's in bad mood."

Nico ran a hand through his already messed up hair,attempting to calm it down abit,only to make it worse.

"well,not everyone's a ball of sunshine like you,so fuck off-"

"Nico!!!"

and Nico really wanted to bang his head to the table right then... it wouldn't have hurt more than the hang over right?

hopefully,it made him pass out a bit longer.

"Nico,dude!have you been here all night?Jason said he'd take you home!"

Nico turned his attention to the guy in front of him and tried his best to not punch his stupid handsome face with his stupid sea green eyes.

"well,guess what Percy!I did try to get him home...unfortunately for him ,I didn't want him to empty a bullet in my head!"

Percy Jackson,one of section C's detectives,and Nico's second cousin gave him an unamused look

"seriously Neeks?"

and as the blonde boy let out a loud snicker behind his back,Nico was far gone pissed.

he turned to finally punch the blonde guy in his stupidly handsome face,when he heard someone else's voice

"Mr.Solace!I see you're already here. would you come in my office for a few moments?"

The young man nodded at Chiron,their head director,and walked straighted to the small office in the back.

"so,who's this ' Solace ' guy anyway?does anybody know him?"

Nico only let out a groan as he reached for Jason's cuo of coffee

"no Nico,I got you one already-"

"I can tell you he's a total asshole..."

Percy gave him a confused look and just as he was about to respond,Chiron stepped inside their section with the new guy on his toes.

"may I have everybody's attention please?"

everyone turned toward them,stopping mid sentence

"I wanted to introduce you all to mr.Solace."

he then nodded toward the new guy,mentioning for him to speak

"hello!my name is Will Solace. nice to meet you all."

Nico was the only one to react at his too cheery voice.

he let out another groan,taking his cup of coffee from Jason too,ignoring the older boy's protests

"and why the fuck should that concern any of us-"

William Solace merely smiled at him,which only pissed him off even more,and cut him off before he could finish

"I'm a new detective in C section. and I'll start my work from today."

[modern-vellichor]

In Her Blood; Six

Summary: Silence begins to suffocate you as Bucky begins to ignore you, you're both too stubborn to apologise.

Warnings: Smoking, age gap relationship, unrequited feelings, panic attacks, language, mentions of smut

Pairing: DadsBestFriend!Bucky x reader

A sharp knocking is what wakes you from your slumber. Bucky's arms are still wrapped tightly around you, sleep still has a strong hold on you. You force your eyes open, early morning light filtering in through the blinds.

"Y/N, you awake?", Steve calls out, booming voice muffled by the wood, he knocks again.

Wide awake now, you panic. You shake Bucky awake and he grumbles, but then he hears Steve's worried voice and is scrambling to hide.

"I'm coming, gimme two seconds!", you cry, pushing Bucky into your closet before opening the door. "I didn't even realise I locked the door, sorry about that"

"late night last night?", he asks with a raised brow.

"yeah, had a nightmare, couldn't sleep", you shrug nonchalantly before telling him you'll meet him downstairs.

As soon as you shut the door, tears begin to cloud your vision, Bucky pushes his way out of your closet just in time to catch you as your knees give out. The air hitches in your throat, tears teetering on the edge but never falling. Your panic attacks have always been silent. You've always been too stubborn to be heard, you were just like Steve.

Suffer in silence.

Bucky holds you, he coos softly into your ear, pressing gentle kisses to your cheeks and head. It helps, a little. He watches you dress, you avoid his gaze and then you're making for the door in silence.

"hey, Y/N", he calls after you, not getting up from his place in your bed.

"yeah", you mumble, not turning to face him.

"I love you", he murmurs, unsure of himself.

"pardon", you turn around, genuine confusion gracing your already worried features, and so Bucky repeats himself, with more confidence this time.

"I love you."

Your face drops, your mouth falling slightly agape. "Oh", you say, eyes widening.

Without saying another word you slip out of the room silently, joining your Dad at the door with a fake smile.

He notices somethings off when you're running at nearly full speed, he has no problem keeping up, but you're not pushing yourself either. The serum had its affects on you too, like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, passed from him to you.

"Something on your mind, kiddo?", he asks, panting lightly at your side.

You're in the same condition, if not a little overworked.

"Just boy troubles, nothing to worry about", you chuckle lightly.

Steve thinks that's the end of it, until you get home, and you're offering to help him with the rest of his training.

Steve used to make you train with him, when you were little and still idealised him. He never pushed Sarah as hard as he pushed you, because your limits were much further than hers. He could push you past her breaking point and keep going until you even broke a sweat, so he gladly accepted your offer.

The thick August heat had pushed you all outside --- Bucky, Sam and Sarah lounging in chairs under the forgiving shade of umbrellas while you and Steve toiled away in the heat.

Steve had always been a boxer, that reflected in you. You each threw punches, dodging blows with perfect footwork. You had clearly adapted a more inclusive and flexible fighting style, choosing to twist and turn, kicking and elbowing, sometimes moving so quick that Steve couldn't even near you.

Everyone was taken aback by the sudden amount of frustration you needed to release, Bucky hid his worry well. As soon as you and Steve had finished, you immediately fled to the comforts of your room, locking the door and double checking.

The shower brought temporary peace to the war raging in your head. As the scalding water ran over your body you could hear Bucky's faint cries, but you ignored him.

You slept soundly that night, mind blank and face dry. You successfully avoid Bucky for the night, and you wake up refreshed, mind still uneasy.

Steve is happy to see you awake and ready at your usual time. The two of you leave the house running and jumping, throwing playful jabs at eachother. You go to round the corner out of the street, but Steve shows, and then Bucky is jogging down his driveway to join you. Your face drops, but you smile before Steve can see. You say a polite hello.

Steve runs ahead of you two, just out of earshot. You try to jog ahead of him, to avoid the inevitable conversation. No matter how fast you run, he always stays by your side, so you accept it.

"You gotta talk to me sometime, doll", he drawls. You huff in response, keeping your eyes on the path under your feet. "Y/N, you can't leave me in the dark, you don't just walk out without a goodbye after someone says 'I love you'", he sighs.

"I dont know, Buck. When your dads best friend, who's been your boyfriend for 2 days tell you he loves you, I think you're allowed to call bullshit", you snap.

"We've been together all summer, Y/N"

"Yeah, but two days ago you made it official, remember?", when he's silent you continue your attack. "I can. I remember just how you moaned my name, all sweaty and fucked out"

He elbows you sharply in the ribs then, you yelp but it effectively shuts you up.

"Jesus, I just want to know how you feel", he growls.

"I feel like a fucking pastime", you spit, breaking into a sprint to join Steve. You fake a smile, Bucky keeps his distance. Steve notices your distress, even though you hide it well.

Once you get home you go straight to your room, after an hour you hear gentle knocking on your door and then Steve is poking his way in.

"Hey, kid", he smiles.

You sniffle, sitting up and smiling back. "Hey"

"What's up?", he asks softly, making himself comfortable on the side if the bed next to you.

"just-", he interrupts you.

"boy troubles, I know", you both chuckle light heartedly. "which boy?"

"Some guy from around here, hes a little older than me"

"What's the trouble, Me n' Buck can shove him around a bit"

You chuckle again at the irony, then you sigh.

"it's just stressful, I'm going back to Paris at the end of the month, he's worried about you guys, it's just all over the place", Steve begins to speak but you cut him off. "Nothing to worry about, I'll be on a plane back to Claude soon enough"

Claude was your roommate, you missed him.

Steve gives you a tight hug before leaving, you feel a lot better.

@vicmc624 @adriannajackson @zizzlekwum @chipilerendi @madaroni37 @spameloearie

[all-things-mlqc]

Boys reaction to MC who never have date before meeting them. Like, the boys as MC's first love.

My first HC on here and I was memeing half the time while writing it. Included what the boys would do after hearing this news as well because why not. I’m not a Lucien fan but lord have mercy on my soul, I couldn’t help making his romantic af. He is the ideal boyfriend/date minus the l i e s that come in the MS and I hate it. All the crossed out stuff is just commentary because I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy~ Thank you for your ask <3

How the MLQC boys react to being MC’s first love below the cut~

Victor:

Follows with some snarky comment after he calls her “Dummy”.

Let’s be real here, if he doesn’t call her dummy immediately, then something is wrong. Reminds me of when we streamed the first episode of MLQC and we were all yelling “CALL US BAKA” the second Victor came on screen.

While he seems cool and collected on the outside, you can hear the computer shutdown sound play on the inside.

To him, this is a shocking confession.

Victor: I’m not surprised a dummy like you hasn’t been in a serious relationship before.

Victor, internally: How has she never been in a serious relationship before??

He’s not very good at expressing himself honestly through his words but he truly admires MCs hardworking nature.

He finds that very attractive in a woman and is surprised that other men in the line of business haven’t taken their shot with her yet. it’s because they can feel your death stare on the back of their heads, kind sir

One thing he struggles with is being himself. He tries to act like everything is in his control all the time.

Because of this, upon hearing MCs confession, he invites her to a fancy dinner at his penthouse insert Victor’s Dazzling Date because THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. Jkjk haha... unless...

He wants to impress her as much as possible even though he knows deep down that she doesn’t care about what a person has and rather how they are as a person

BUT ALAS. The stress be real for her first boyfriend.

He wants her to know she made a good decision without verbally telling her out of his own bitch mouth I love you, please call me baka so he goes over the top with their first date.

Basically pulls a Mr. Krabs when taking Mrs. Puff on a date. Just add shades to Mr. Krabs to represent Victor’s “I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m all good. We vibin out here.”

All MC wants from him is his honest and genuine thoughts. and a lifetime stock of pudding because good god a girl has chocolate needs

MC eventually figures out Victor’s intentions with all the gifts he rains on her because hE dOesNt nEeD tHeM he can’t give her anything more than a cup of pudding up front

MC knows this and accepts the secret gifts with a smile.

She sends a gift in return to his office the following day along with a thank you for the wonderful date.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of Victor’s heart rate slowing to the average persons.

Kiro:

insert pikachu meme

This boy is mind blown.

“How have you never been in a relationship before??? That can’t be true!”

Kiro sees the good in everyone, so hearing that MC has never been in a relationship before him is

He gives her a bright smile and playfully hugs her from behind.

The two of them laugh together as he whispers genuinely in her ear,

“I promise to make you happy. You won’t regret it.”

He immediately drags her off to Loveland’s Amusement Park, where they spend the whole day together.

Rides, snacks, games, you name it, they did it all.

Kiro naturally spoils MC without putting much thought to it.

It’s like a reflex for him. It’s just who he is as a person. Always wants to share the happiness in the world with the people he cares about.

As for how anxious he is after hearing the news about being MC’s first love, he is screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Almost 100% of the time he has a smile on his face and even convinces himself that he’s not worried about it.

But he is.

It only hits him when he thinks about another man taking MC away from him after seeing her talking with another guy.

MC will catch him without his carefree smile at times and eventually confronts him about it.

He shows her a wide smile and says there’s nothing to worry about.

L I E S. BABIE LEMME HOLD YOU I PROMISE YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY.

After a few attempts of trying to get Kiro to open up about it, he gives in and says he’s worried he’s not good enough for her HAHAHHA, GOOD ONE KIRO

MC, however, turns it around on him

MC: I’m afraid IM the one who isn’t good enough for you.

They both smile and embrace each other, knowing they’ll get through any little concerns like this.

Gavin:

He knows.

We’re talking about the boy who has been in love with MC since high school; Who has protected her behind the scenes ever since he laid eyes on her.

He would know if she had been in a previous or current relationship.

It only comes as a shock when she says she’s never been interested in anyone else romantically before. Lies. Have you seen the other suitors, MC. In a world where guys are that hot, you must’ve had at least 1 crush, c’mon sis.

Gavin respected her personal boundaries and never looked into her personal affairs so he had very little knowledge of her views on other guys.

He gets a little bit nervous, since he believes her standards must be high if she hasn’t been interested in anyone else before.

Does the full on soldier oath, bend the knee cliche which includes “I promise to always protect you” and “Nobody will ever be good enough for you”

Mc: Gavin no...

Gavin: NOBODY WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Spoiler alert: You are waayyyyy too good for me, Gavin.

He doesn’t have too much anxiety over the thought of being MC’s first love though since he’s very good at staying true to himself and knows MC is one to admire that about others.

Gavin is a quiet guy in general. He’s more of an observer and watches MC to take note of what she enjoys.

When he sees her eyes shine bright after seeing a delicious dessert cafe, he offers to take her. He makes sure to express how he also wants to go since he knows she won’t accept unless he is interested as well.

Boy literally has no interests the moment he’s with MC. He is essentially that vine

Doesn’t even wait until the question is over and just “Absolutely. Let’s do it”

MC: But I haven’t even said anything yet...

He isn’t much different from how he is now. Has around the same amount of anxiety just from being in MCs presence.

Boy just wants to PROTECC and is always panicking on the inside but tries to remain calm.

He is very good at calming his anxiety though since he’s had so long to understand what MC values and knows she just loves people for themselves.

That’s all he needs.

Lucien:

His eyes widen slightly at MCs confession.

It’s nothing too mind blowing for him since he knows how refined MC is and how dedicated she is to her work.

It’s still surprising to him that nobody has tried to sweep her off her feet yet.

With how kind MC is, it would be hard for her to refuse a date with a gentleman.

Lucien gently presses a kiss to MCs hand upon hearing her confession.

Lucien: I am honored to be given the opportunity TO WOO to take such a beautiful lady out on a date~ AND MORE PLEASE

Lucien is the definition of a gentleman shhhh we aren’t speaking of current chapters in the main route Lucien. Cover your eyes. Pretend you do not see.

With little to no anxiety showing on his face after the reveal that he is MCs first love, he insists on taking her out to a nice restaurant the most classy and romantic 5 star restaurant Loveland City has to offer as a way to thank her for dealing with his bs (both his bullshit and black swan hahaha I’m so funny oml) being given the opportunity to treat her as a beautiful young lady should be treated.

He’s also more on the less anxious side of being MCs first love.

Lucien is a traditional man and does stuff by the book.

Because of this, he respects and likes the idea of being MCs first love.

He doesn’t go over the top yet isn’t cliche with dates and little actions.

He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Though he may struggle with being openly honest about his own thoughts and feelings, he tries his best to express himself for MC. a lot of the time he just assumes talking to her about his personal affairs would bring her down.

This, however, gets better overtime as they continue to date.

They spend a lovely evening at dinner together and take a midnight stroll through the city oh god city stroll PTSD

He gently wraps his jacket around her bare shoulders with a soft smile as he thanks her once again for believing in him believing he is worthy of her

Bonus:

Shaw:

Shaw, smirking: Is that so?

Oohhhhh you know what that smirk does to me. DOWN BOY D O W N.

He’s surprised but his reaction is very mutual.

His internal thoughts are more on the line of “Hmm I’m her first boyfriend, aye?” and “OYA OYA”

He very likely most definitely places his hand on the wall beside her head and leans in closely to get a reaction from her as he growls,

Shaw: So that means you really like me, yeah? I’m making this way too hot gdi. Shaw stans please enjoy your food

MC looks up to see that same playful smirk resting on his face.

highkey don’t know how to respond because Im just “ok think of 3 things she would probably say and go from there” while my brain just computer error sound

MC: and what about yourself? I’m sure there are tons of girls throwing themselves at you yet you choose me.

He pulls away and places his hands in his pockets with a chuckle.

Shaw: I’ve had my fair share before.

iVe HaD mY fAiR sHarE bEfoRe MY ASS

I’m convinced he’s had one time things with girls purely for information or he isn’t the least bit interested in relationships because he thrives on stimulation and entertainment and nOboDy iS gOoD eNouGh plus he literally asks what people do on dates when taking mc out in his first date in game SO

Either way, this is a LIE. The man can’t relationship for the life of him so he has no RIGHTS to tease her.

Just let him believe or you can try to tease him about it in hopes of getting a little pouty face out of him.

Honestly, their first date would just be the first date we got in the game and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Shaw is a wild child and doesn’t care for romantic dates. at least that’s what he wants you to think

A little insight on his character: He’s very blunt and easily pushes people away all the while keeping them close enough to gather intel. He doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone and makes sure it’s mutual on both ends. Personal relationships only drag him down, especially in his line of work. He prioritizes other things before relationships which makes him so damn FRUSTRATING BUT I SWEAR I WILL CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE A WALNUT JUST YOU WATCH ME.

With that being said, after actually being in a relationship with MC for a while and opening up about their personal lives more, Shaw can be very romantic. He may be awkward for a bit at first since he literally doesn’t know what a date is but he gets there eventually.

He’s still full of fun but is also very gentle and makes sure MC is enjoying herself.

I got sidetracked with the actual HC on this one but Shaw stans need food I NEED FOOD

[crash-cinematic-universe]

a sickly satisfaction (ch.4)

pairing: jason dean/reader

summary: a death sentence isn’t the weirdest thing anyone’s ever gotten in high school (by fall out boy)

warnings: bullying, the heathers are Mean as usual.

notes: we are getting close to the end kind of so i actually will not be posting two chapters today. i am evil and fucked up. also friendly reminder that if you know me irl uh. no you don’t. and dont read this

taglist: @stuckysdaughter

            ** 3RD PERSON POV **

            Eyes down. Walk fast. Stay close. Well, actually, their eyes aren’t down. No, they’re constantly flicking upwards to gaze into their companion’s eyes, the fleeting glances sending waves of comfort through their bodies. They’re walking fast, their footsteps in sync as they walk down the hallway to their fourth period class. He doesn’t have class with her, but he didn’t care. It’s not like he had never been late before. The two are certainly close; their fingers are laced together, the soft contact helping each other stay grounded. If it weren’t for this, they probably would’ve floated off by now.

            Jason Dean felt like everything had fallen into place. He found someone perfect-- someone smart and funny and so damn beautiful that it almost hurt to look at her. Her voice is more beautiful than any bullshit Mozart could even hope to write. He would kill for her. He would give his life for her. If she asked him to pull a star out of the sky and hand it to her, he’d enroll in a space program and get the largest rope he could find. Jason’s eyes darted around the hallway, shooting daggers at anyone who dared look at her in a way that displeased him. His stream of thoughts was a constant flow of her, her, her. It was almost overwhelming. 

            Y/n’s entire body was on fire, bright orange flames sprouting from her feet and weaving around her fingers. She feels no pain. The only thing she feels is him, the way they fit together like puzzle pieces. Her brain doesn’t really… work when she’s around him. It’s a whirlpool of adoration and enamorment and a vague feeling of wonder. She’s almost embarrassed that she’s come so smitten with someone-- she used to scoff at the pairs in the hallway that we’re practically eating each other alive. Now? She was counting down the seconds until she could be behind closed doors with Jason. 

            “Alright, I have to go to class,” She sighs. Neither of them want to be apart, but neither of them had a real choice. 

            “Or we could skip and get a slushie…” Jason suggested, his eyes pleading that she’d go with him.

            “Jason, we can’t keep skipping. We’re gonna end up repeating senior year.” Her hand raises up to brush hair out of his eyes. 

            “My dear, I’d repeat senior year a hundred times if it meant I could be with you,” He purred. Y/n smiled.

            “You’re cute.” she pecked him on the cheek. “But I can’t. I’ll meet up with you afterwards-- there are only two periods left in the day,”

            “two periods, seven hundred years-- it’s all the same for me,” He whined. With a final peck on the corner of his mouth, she pulled away from him. 

            “I swear, once school is over, you’ll have me all to yourself. No interruptions.” The shrill ring of the bell shrieks through the hallway, and Y/n hurries away from the beautiful boy she has wrapped around her finger. He watches as she walks away, his heart swelling as he dreamily leans against the lockers behind him. Jason Dean had never been in love before-- he wasn’t sure he would ever be in love. Yet, here he is, calculating how much time there was in between now and the end of the day; calculating exactly how long he had to be apart from her. 

            Y/n’s seventh period class was chock-full of assholes and jocks and the most infamous teenage girls in the school. She sat in the back corner, carefully hidden away from the rest of the class. However, no matter how hidden she thought she was, the Heathers always seemed to find their way into her corner. 

            “Oh, Y/n, how lovely to see you,” Heather Chandler said with faux-happiness. “Looks like they never fixed the electricity in your house, since you obviously got dressed in the dark,” Her clique of brainless followers giggled, their laughter so high in pitch that it was as if only dogs could hear it.

           “I guess she doesn’t care if she looks like she fell out of a plane,” Heather McNamara chimed in.

            “And I guess you three don’t care that you look like clowns. Heather, you’re wearing so much foundation that your face is a solid three shades lighter than the rest of your body,” She wasn’t speaking to any Heather in particular, just the general unit that is The Heathers. Scoffs echoed from the three of them. It was almost funny, their in-sync attitudes and in unison reactions. Y/n wondered if they all get their period at the same time, too. The thought grosses her out. 

            “Listen here, skank, you better watch your mouth or this whole school will throw you out onto the street,” Heather C. growled. I rolled my eyes. The other two Heathers walked to their seats as the teacher strode in, but Heather Chandler stood her ground.

            “Heather, one day you’re going to wake up and realize that you’re never going to have this kind of power again. I think you’re afraid of leaving Westerburg, because then you’ll be nothing more than a sour memory,” Y/n hissed. 

            “Alright, that's it, freak. Savor your last day on this Earth, because come tomorrow morning, you’re done. Might as well kiss you boy-toy goodbye and start packing now, because you’re a dead whore walking,” With that, Heather spun on her heel and walked to her desk. The teacher at the front of the classroom looked uninterested in the interaction, and began droning on about something or other. 

            The cocky attitude Y/n had built up faded, burning within her into a pathetic pile of ash. Heather had the school in her palm, she could absolutely get Y/n exiled from Westerburg like a priest can excommunicate any skeptics. Veronica gleaned at Y/n from across the room, shooting her a smile that was both sympathetic and apologetic. She sighed.

            For the rest of the day, a cloud of dread hung over Y/n head, and Jason noticed it immediately. He appeared at her side within seconds, concern consuming his body like it was fire and he was dry grass. 

            “Hey, doll, why the long face?” His voice soothed the gashes that the Heathers’ pitchy giggles left. 

            “I’m fine, Jason--”

            “No, you very much are not. Last time I saw you, you looked like you were walking on clouds, and now you look like you’re trapped under a cumulonimbus. Just tell me what’s goin’ on and we’ll take care of it,” His hands found hers with ease, his slender fingers gripping her hand tightly. 

            “It’s just... Heather and I got into an argument and now she’s pledged to ruin my life by tomorrow morning. Tonight, she gets to party away at some frat house while I finalize my will and draft my last words,” Y/n sighs, exasperatedly. 

            “Well… I guess that means we’ll have to make the next--” he checks his watch, “-- sixteen hours worth your while,” Jason’s eyes flash with something unfamiliar but certainly welcome. 

            “School is over, after all. I did promise that you’d have me all to yourself, didn’t I?” Y/n smirks, and Jason's face flushes bright red. As the two of them walk out of the crowded building, Y/n forgets about the Heathers and her impending doom. Instead, she thinks about Jason, and how he seems to be the only good thing in this godforsaken world.