#don'tbethatparent

[justamomandakeyboard]

Finding the Right One

When finding the right therapist for your kid, information is key. Research, research, research. Make phone calls. Look up local pages. Talk to moms in your area who have special needs kids. That doesn’t mean take everything you read or find at 100% face value, there are liars out there on both sides of the equation, but do take everything you hear into consideration. Tour facilities, but know that usually a tour only shows you the best parts. They usually aren’t going to display the ‘dirty laundry’ every program has. Have people who’s judgement you trust weigh in on the conversation, but know that ultimately the choice needs to be yours and, if possible, your child’s. 

You can’t afford to be a backseat driver, if your kid needs this kind of intervention service. And yet at the same time, you can’t control every moment of it either. Find good providers, therapists and teachers you trust, then get out of the way and let them do their thing. I only rarely intrusively observe Mr. G’s therapy sessions, and even during the ones that happen at home I try to stay out of the picture as much as possible. The exception is when I want to learn a specific technique to emulate without the therapist, or if I have concerns about the way my son is being treated. Otherwise, I am a distraction when he’s trying to work, and Mr. G doesn’t need help finding those. 

Figure out what you can live with, and what you can’t. There is no perfect provider or therapist, and they are at some point going to disappoint, annoy or upset you. This is because we are all human and no one is perfect. Remember that you are going to do the same to them at some point, and figure out what your sticking points are. For example: your therapist is not going to be 100% on their game every single day. Doesn’t matter how good they are, it isn’t going to happen. When we had home sessions, if I found the therapist letting Mr. G get away with a few extra minutes of play because the day is going poorly between working on his goals, I let it go. If they left a few minutes early every now and then because it would give them time to hit Starbucks before their next kid, I didn’t say anything. If they were a few minutes late because they haven’t eaten and couldn’t resist Chickfila, I turn the other way as long as they’re willing to let Mr. G mooch a few fries. But if I have to drive to a clinic for the session, and you forget to tell me you aren’t going to be there not once, but three or four times in a month, we have a problem. If you are more than 15 minutes late on a regular basis with no good reason, and tend to spend most of the session on your phone instead of with my child more often than not, we have a problem. If you’re more concerned with being my child’s best buddy than his teacher and constantly giving into his attempts to get out of doing any real work, we have a problem. If anything about your behavior towards my child makes me uncomfortable, and going through the proper channels to get it fixed doesn’t work, we have a problem. Find your line, and stick to it. 

If your therapist or teacher isn’t clicking with your child after awhile, even if they are the sweetest person in the world, find someone else. Sometimes, waiting it out will work in your favor, and sometimes, it bites you in the butt (I’ve had it go both ways). In the end, if your instincts are telling you this person isn’t the right one or there are other associated problems, then do something about it. Ask if you can switch to someone else within the program, or find a new provider all together. There’s always recommendations online or through local Facebook pages. And if you did your research from before, you probably have a second and third choice you could turn to. 

However

Be polite about it, and always follow the proper channels of communication!  Be calm but firm, and have your concerns well organized and documented before you begin. Never burn bridges in the therapy community, unless you have to. Those ladies (most of the ones who work with children are women) are connected like you wouldn’t believe, even if they work for rival providers. Some of them even work for more than one provider because they live in a small rural area and do home visits or work part-time with the local school system. Some bounce between programs every few years because of opportunities for raises or advancement. If you act out without a very good reason, there is a very good chance someone will hear about it and pass it around. No one likes working with a ‘crazy parent’, and it’s a hard label to lose once you’ve got it. And the one who is going to suffer the most because of your behavior is your child. 

Once you find a good fit for your child, do what you have to to keep them. I mean, we had a amazing therapist move to Montana. We did not move to Montana with her, no matter how awesome she was. However, I have taken Mr. G’s schedule (and mine by association) and turned it on it’s head for him to get the services he needs. I have given up Saturdays and early mornings and afternoons and evenings and so much sleep for him to have time with the right people. The world does not revolve around him, but we do our best to give him the opportunities he needs to grow and learn because we are his best hope to thrive in a world that doesn’t make sense to him. 

A side (really long) note: it seems like most of the time, people start this process long before their child can have a traditional say in the matter. Sometimes that’s because of age or an inability to communicate or whatever it might be. But, that doesn’t mean your child doesn’t have an opinion. Mr. G did not want to snuggle his first Early Interventionist when he had just turned 2 years old. That’s a big deal. Mr. G takes snuggles from literally anyone, and would happily go home with anyone he thought smelled good. But something about that woman made even a completely non-verbal toddler uncomfortable. I was working full time at the time, and very pregnant, so I brushed it off as ‘new baby jitters’. In the end, we got lucky. She was transferred out to a new territory two months later, and we were handed to a fantastic Early Interventionist who worked miracles on our son’s behalf. Mr. G loved her, and was always happy to get snuggles from her. I wish I had listened now to that small voice of alarm that my child didn’t like this woman who was supposed to help him. He was never alone with her, but it still makes you wonder. So listen to your children. If they genuinely don’t like a therapist or a teacher or a provider: figure out why. That doesn’t mean yank them out each time they complain or have a rough transition into a therapy session. But when that happens, make a note of it and follow up on why. And if the why is the person: do something about it. Sometimes there are issues you can work around. Mr. G avoided one person in particular because he hated their cologne. When they stopped wearing it, he no longer had a problem with them. Never forget that you are your child’s best advocate in a difficult or bad situation!

I hope this helps in your search, and for those of you from the outside looking in: unless you’ve lived it it’s hard to relate to the ones who have. Be supportive! They need every bit they can get. :)

~justamomwithakeyboard