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explosionkatsu · 2 years ago

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“Age doesn't matter,” 19

Dad!Bakugo x F!Babysitter!Teacher!Reader

Part 18

Days had gone by since Katsuki last saw you after that incident. He was glad that Mitsuki took care of Kazui for a while since he didn't know where to leave him except for his parents of course.

Katsuki has been arriving at an empty house and he doesn't like it. He doesn't like how it changed drastically all because of what he did.

A stupid shit...

“Bakugo! What happened?!” Eijiro was quick to his side when he saw his friend standing and obviously stunned.

“Katsuki!” Eijiro called out once again, this time shaking the stunned Katsuki who look finally blinked.

Katsuki just slowly turn his head to Eijiro and looked at him. He’s speechless. His breathing is rapid, his face is all sweaty, and his heartbeat is quick but painfully tight.

“Katsuki,” Eijiro called out for the third time. He was worried after he saw Y/n’s teary eyes.

“Kacchan!” Izuku called out running his way to Katsuki along with the others behind him. “Why was Miss Y/n crying?” Izuku asked worriedly.

Katsuki's eyes were blazing as he turn his gaze to Izuku.

Fuck.

Fuck..

FUCK!!!

“I’m going to sleep,” Katsuki said pushing Eijiro off of him and heading toward his bedroom almost instantly.

As soon as he got in, he slammed the door shut behind him.

What has gotten into him?

Katsuki was still in shock. He couldn't believe what he just said. He couldn't ignore your pained facade. He couldn't disregard your tears.

The happening was replaying over and over in his mind and he couldn't obliterate it making him incline back on his door, slowly gliding down until he was fully seated on the floor.

“Y/n,” he whispered, darkness engulfing him.

...

“We are glad to inform everyone that the establishment is fully developed. Thanks to the heroes who assisted us in the process. A special thanks to...”

The school was finally constructed as you listen to the news.

How many days has it been? 2? 3? Since that happened.

Eijiro keeps on checking up on her through messages but she was overly tired, exhausted, and drained, to even move an inch.

She never received a message from him though. Not a single note.

You were still bewildered about why he reacted that way. You needed explanations of course, but in this condition, it's better to just mull over it. Confronting him would just be ridiculous at this point.

“I don’t know anymore..” Y/n whispered to herself as she embraced her knees. “Why do things happen like this.”

She even ponders how will Katsuki explain things to Kazui. She just stops coming over. Who was taking care of him? Was it his mom? His friends?

Suddenly, her phone rang for the nth time of the day. Checking the caller ID, it was Eijiro.

The poor guy was extremely worried.

Sighing to yourself, you pick up the call.

“Y/n!! Finally! I was so worried.”

Eijiro’s voice made you smile slightly.

“Look, I don’t know what happened. I tried asking Katsuki but he’s just shoving me away. Not that it's new. But just not in this manner. I don't know what occurred between you two, it's driving me insane just thinking that I couldn’t help you guys. Midoriya and the others are worried as well. They're still hoping I could get at least something out of both of you but I always come out with nothing.”

Y/n was tearing up. Kirishima is a good friend. With all the courage you have, you took a deep breath and speak up.

“I’m sorry we made you worry, Kirishima. Everyone else too. But the incident between Bakugo and I will remain silent, and I wished to not talk about it..” You answered as you wiped a tear away.

“I understand,” Eijiro said sadly. “But if you need someone, you know who to call, okay?”

“Thank you, Kirishima.” You smiled.

“No problem, Miss Y/n. I respect your decision.” Eijiro said.

Y/n ended the call.

…

“Have you heard anything from them?” Mina asked worriedly while on patrol with Eijiro.

“No.” Eijiro simply said. “But Miss Y/n finally answered my call. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it.” He said, shaking his head slightly.

“Oh, I am positive Bakugo started it!” Mina grunt. That was the second time she get to spend time with you and someone had to ruin it.

“Hey, we don’t know that.” Eijiro's sweat dropped. “You can’t just point a finger at him.”

“Oh yeah? So you think it’s Miss Y/n, hmm??” Mina paused walking and crossed her arms over her chest, foot tapping as she waited for Eijiro’s answer.

“Well. I don’t want to judge.”

…

Weeks had gone by and you were now back working at school. It’ll be only an hour before students start arriving as well.

What did Katsuki tell Kazui? You keep thinking about this over and over.

“Miss Y/n, have you finished working on your classroom?”

Your co-teacher jolted you, awakening you from your thoughts.

“O-oh! Yes!” You smiled.

“Perfect! Students will arrive with their parents in a bit. The chairman says since it's back to school, teachers must assure the parents of the safety of the students and discuss the school’s new drill in case there's an attack. Well, hopefully, there's none,” Your co-teacher chuckled nervously at the doorway.

“Yeah. Hopefully. I’ll be ready.” You gave her a reassuring smile. “Plus, I have the new guidelines right here.” You showed her the small notebook you were holding confidently. “I’ll be fine. I made this.”

“I believe in you, Miss Y/n. I’ll see you in a bit!” She waves at you and left.

Of course, you can do this.

An hour had gone by, and students and parents started appearing. Some are walking past your classrooms, and others are greeting you before entering yours.

Y/n was terrified. She was scared that Kazui might bring Katsuki. Well, he’s his parent but still.

Just thinking about this makes her nervous. Why was she nervous anyway? She did nothing wrong.

Alright, you can do this.’ Y/n thought to herself before inhaling and exhaling to calm herself. When her eyes darted around her, she saw the familiar blonde in the crowd. Of course, there would be a crowd around him, he’s a hero.

Just seeing his hair makes you anxious. It made you feel like you want to pass out.

Before you could avert your gaze away from him, he manages to catch your eye causing you to look away quickly.

“Miss Y/n! Miss Y/n!” the oh-so-familiar voice called out.

“Kazui-chan!” Y/n excitedly greeted Kazui who was running towards her and giving her a big hug.

“Miss Y/n. Why aren’t you coming over anymore?” Kazui asked innocently while he stare at Y/n.

She couldn’t answer. She doesn’t know what to say. Kazui’s question made her look up at Katsuki who catches her gaze making him look away.

But this didn’t go unnoticed by Kazui.

Something’s wrong. He can feel it.

“W-well. Now that we’re back here at school, I would get very busy.” Y/n said placing a gentle hand on Kazui’s head and stroking him. “I’m sorry, Kazui-chan.”

Kazui pouted at this. “Maybe you can come over when you’re not busy.”

Y/n’s heart aches as she watches Kazui’s eyes turn unhappy. “We’ll see, Kazui-chan.”

The orientation was brief and smooth. Parents were able to comprehend the new drill the school installed and how they will handle the safety of every student. Questions were thrown at Miss Y/n, but she was able to respond to every one of them.

Katsuki was silent throughout the whole orientation. He was observing you, at the same time, listening. But he’s mainly focused on you. He hated the way you smile at other people. He hated that you were laughing at their jokes before proceeding with their questions. He hated that he missed having you around.

As soon as the father and son got home. Kazui stopped in his tracks on his way to his bedroom whilst Katsuki sat on the sofa turning the television on.

“Papa,” Kazui called out.

Katsuki didn't bathe an eye at him though. He simply hummed as his response.

“Is there something wrong between Miss Y/n and you?”

Kazui’s question made Katsuki freeze on his spot. Kazui may be young, but he knows that his kid is smart. Smart enough to read a situation.

“What made you say that?” Katsuki said, eyes not leaving the television.

“I saw the interaction between you two earlier. Normally you’d be teasing her and she would tease you back, but that didn’t happen. Did you do something?”

Wow. Is his son even a child?

Katsuki just tsked. “You shouldn’t be prying in something like this especially if it's my problem. You’re too young. Just go to bed, brat.”

“I'm just saying. If you did something, go apologize to Miss Y/n... I don't want her to disappear just because you two had a disagreement.”

“Yeah yeah.”

Part 20

#bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugou x reader #mha bakugou #katsuki bakugo mha #bakugou x y/n #bnha bakugou #bakugou katuski x reader #bakugou x you #katsuki bakugo x reader

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starrgod-jpg · 2 years ago

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Ran's "Crazy Gf"

Ran Haitani x Fem!Reader

This takes place during the Tenjiku time line. A small bit of fluff cause I can't help it. Implied(but very subtle) black reader.

Just scenarios in which y/n is being "Rans Crazy gf"

Warnings: Reader being crazy, cursing, violence, threats ,weapons(?), a little toxic but its only once

"Ran, your girlfriend is fucking insane bro."

Rindou was the first to notice your 'crazy tendencies' when he walked in on you threatening Ran with a knife. Ran was just laughing as you had a knife to his chest asking about his earlier whereabouts. "If you take another step, I will stab you Rindou." You said without even looking his direction. He took your word and stood there and watched in curiosity and a bit nervousness. He didn't even know you were here.

"Like I said, where. were. you. today." You asked while staring directly at Ran. "I told you, I was smoking with Mucho and Shion." The taller replied. "Bullshit! You don't like Shion and Mucho doesn't smoke! Plus, you not even high!" Ran's lips parted but closed again as he couldn't say anything. He sighed and grabbed your hand. "Fine..I'll show you where I've been all day.." He dragged you to his car and opened the trunk. You screamed in excitement and immediately started crying. He had a (insert whatever you want really bad) in the trunk with a card and some balloons.

"Today was our anniversary and I had to go pick it up from the post office, but I ended up being there for hours because its so slow running, and they had only two people separating everything" He said looking at you with a smile, a genuine smile and not his usual cricked smug one. You drop the knife, that his feet barely dodged to hug him. He exhaled with an airy chuckle and hugged you back.

"So why were you in my house again?" He asked. "Oh yea! Anniversary remember?" You started speed walking back into the house as he followed, after picking up the knife, he followed you too his room and you were waiting at his door. You step aside and let him open the door himself. You had balloons, rose petals and a bouquet of flowers waiting on his bed. " Happy anniversary Ran!!" You shouted with a smile. "I love it, thank you.." He said before kissing you.

"How do you keep getting into our house.." Rindou asked from behind the two of you. He was questioning why his brother was so okay with his Girlfriend basically breaking in. And holding him at knife point. "Ran leaves his window open a lot. Very dangerous honestly, a psychopath could break in anytime! " You exclaimed with a huff. Rindou stared at you blank faced. He sighed and walked out of the doorway.

"Let me out of this car!!"

You and Ran were arguing while Ran was driving. In the back seat sat Kisaki and Hanma. Ran was giving them a ride across town but the argument had started before ya'll even were halfway there.

"No y/n, you always do this shit!!" He yelled while keeping his eyes on the road. "Oh so you and all your lil' friends can be in a gang and run the streets but I can't talk to the mf that tells you what to do?? You always acting like a bitch I swear!" You yelled as you sat back in your seat. "You need to mind your business!! There was no reason you spoke to him?!" He yelled back. "He literally said Hi?? Was I supposes to be rude and not say it back?" You shouted as you looked at him. "Yea??? You never care about being rude to others so why now?!" He yelled back as the car stopped at red light. He glanced in his rearview mirror and Hanma smiling as if he was trying not to laugh and Kisaki looking out the window trying to ignore the awkward situation. "I don't know why it matter so much to you but you need to calm down before you shit yourself over something so small." You said in a low tone as you rolled you eyes. He was being immature and stupid over something as small as a simple greeting. "I don't know why you constantly insist on meeting him, constantly try and talk to him when you pick me up from meeting and shit." He said as he pulled off as the light turned green. "Why are you so upset over it?? I've met damn near everybody else in Tenjiku so why is Izana so different?? Why are being such a bitch about it??!" You yelled back. "Why do you want to meet him so badly?! You must want to fuck him!? Is that it y/n?! Do you want to fuck my boss like the whore that you are?!" Ran shouted as he slammed his hand on the horn.

Now that hurt. That your own boyfriend would say something like that. "Take it back." You said lowly. "no, cause you obviously want to and you know you do that why you haven't defende-" "Take it back or I'm going crash this car." You cut him off mid sentence. Kisaki and Hanma both perked up at this. "Yea right, sit back and get over yourself." Your eyes were blown wide and you were shaking with hurt and anger. "Ran fucking Haitani, take back what you said or I will crash this goddamn car!!" You said with a bit of a growl in your voice. He rolled his eyes and sighed. You let out a small, airy chuckle before reaching over to the steering wheel. You swerved the car and it almost went off the road before Ran pushed you and got control of car again. "Are you crazy?!" He yelled at you. "I don't know Ran am I??!"

Kisaki and Hanma were holding onto whatever they could as you kept screaming at Ran to take back what he said. "Bro just take it back!!!" Hanma screamed, although he loved a good thrill he did not feel like getting into an accident because of Ran and his crazy ass girlfriend.

You grabbed the steering wheel and swerved the car again repeating "Take it back!!" at the top of your lungs. Hanma and Kisaki were gasping for air in the back. "Let me out of this car if you won't apologize!!" Kisaki shouted. Ran sighed and took a hold of your hands in one of his. "Y/n, I'm sorry for what I said and take back everything."

Although it sounded sincere, you weren't fully convinced but it calmed you down enough to sit back in your seat. You turned to look out of window and was silent the rest of ride there. After Hanma and Kisaki were dropped off the two of you talked everything out and got food. Hanma and Kisaki were officially afraid of you and question Ran's choices.

"Halloween"

Halloween night, Shion decided to have a halloween party. Ran had two problems with this, 1. you wanted to go and 2. costumes were required. He hadn't dressed up since he was a kid with Rindou and he hated staying up late. The two of you were going as pirates, your idea of course. You made the costumes mostly by yourself. Ran of course help his girlfriend with her DIY project as much as he could.

The day of the party arrived and you and Ran went to the party after watching movies all day to pass time. You immediately greeted Shion who was basically your best friend at this point. Ran rolled his eyes but stayed next to you as Shion filled you in on everything that has already happened. After you two finished talking he went to go to the bathroom. You and Ran your way to the circular couch in the middle of the living room. You find Izana, Hanma, Sanzu, Mucho and Kokonoi talking. The two of you greeted everyone and sat down.

After talking for awhile you decided to go get you and Ran some drinks. You talked with Mochi a bit while getting the drinks and started walking back after saying your goodbyes. Your mind goes blank as you see some random bitch trying to talk to Ran. He is showing clear disinterest as the others scoot away from the both of them. Kokonoi notices you from a distance and decides to take his leave. Izana is smiling, he's heard stories of you being 'crazy' but has never actually seen you act 'crazy' so he wanted to see what would happen. You pushed the drinks into some random girls hand as you marched your way towards the random girl and Ran. "oh dear.." he said under his breath as he saw you coming. You politely tapped her shoulder and when her head whipped around your eye twitched. "Can I help you?" She asked with an attitude. You exhaled lowly and started," uhm, he has a girlfriend so you should save yourself the trouble and get on somewhere." You asked with a smile. "And where is she exactly?" The girl asked. "You're looking at her." You're smile dropped as you looked at her. "If he's with you he can't be happy." The girl said and rolled her eyes. Ran started to sit up but was pushed back down by you. "excuse me?" you said, blood starting to boil. "you heard me, ugly." The girl said. Ran blinked and the girl was on the floor. Mucho watched in shock still keeping his stoic attitude, Sanzu lifted his feet onto the couch and Izana watched wide eyed and excited. Hanma got up and stood behind the couch with nervous smirk. "Sorry, I don't think I heard you bitch, what!?" You said as you grabbed her face in your palm. "Get off me bitch!!" The girl said as she tried to push you and your hand off of her. You grabbed someone's drink from the floor and poor it into her face, basically almost drowning her with it. "No, say it again!! What the fuck did you just call me!? Do you want me to fucking shoot you?? Do you?! Cause I will!!" You shouted, grip on her jaw getting harder. You slapped the floor next to her and her eyes welled up with tears. "Don't fucking cry now!! You wasn't crying when you called me ugly!! Or when you flirted with my man were you??"

"G-get off of me!!" The girl stuttered and tried to push you. "Nah what you crying for?!" You dipped your hand in someone else's drink and used it to smear her makeup everywhere, "happy Halloween bitch.." You stood up and walked towards the kitchen to wash your hands, Ran and Izana followed you silently. "Sorry that ya'll had to see me like that...I know I went too far." You said lowly as you washed your hands. Truthfully, you didn't care what they thought. you enjoyed every second of it. "god I am so in love with you." Ran said as he hugged you from behind and kissed your cheek. "First, ew. Second, Y/n that was fucking amazing!! You made her cry so easily?? You should join Tenjiku honestly!!" He said as he got close with a crazy look in his eyes. "Me and you are basically twins at this point! Plus you're a great fighter already!!" He shouted with a smile. You stared at him and broke into a smile. "I should join Tenjiku, huh? Okay yea, sure!! We really are similar huh??" Ran sighed, he knew he couldn't change your or his mind on this.

"Welcome to Tenjiku!! Officially!!"

This was fun to write

I really hope whoever sees this enjoys it as much as I did while writing!!

Please give feedback and criticism!!! It helps me out a LOT and is greatly appreciated!!! Request always open!!

#ran haitani #ran haitani x reader #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers #crack fic #i was bored #crazy gf #jealousy #izana kurokawa #mucho yasuhiro #haruchiyo sanzu #shion madarame #hanma shuji #kisaki

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creepylittlelady · 1 year ago

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My own two cents on the Fanon vs Canon argument [Mainly just me defending fanon]

Alright, so I have a history with the Creepypasta fandom. I was sadly too into MLP and Vocaloids to be all that into it in 2013-2015, but I did join in 2016 and spent majority of my childhood years in the Creepypasta fandom. Unfortunately after lockdown ended I decided to try a hand at forcing myself to grow up, which was a very miserable time littered with very very bad memories.

This year I've gone from daydreaming about the Creepypastas but refusing to interact with the fandom or any content to yk, interacting with all of you guys again. I really missed this fandom as these edgy fictional serial killers really defined who I am now.

However one thing that I can clearly remember very very well about the Creepypasta fandom is its knack for having a fuck ton of arguments with each other, specifically one; which one is better, Fanon or Canon?

Now, I remember when I was younger the Creepypasta fandom was more fanon-centric, the mansion, Slenderdad, Emo sadboy Jeff and Waffles Toby were staples. However nowadays I've seen a lot of influx of more 'canon' content; more disturbing headcanons, the characters not being that nice to each other, no slendermansion, just pure old canonicity.

I really enjoy that side of the fandom, I really really do. However I've actually seen a fair share of slander for the fanon side, about how they're mischaracterised a lot of characters over the years and ruined a lot of good Creepypastas with their incessant flanderising. However, I sort of disagree.

You see, whilst Creepypastas are also entertaining to toy around with in their more canon forms, what exactly is wrong with headcanoning the creepypastas in a more light-hearted way? Although we can all agree that none of these guys would EVER withstand being within a mile each other, and that Slenderman wouldn't ever be that nice (OH GOD I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS TOPIC), that the Proxies don't exist in the first place, it's still fun. It's got a comfort and entertainment value that canon Creepypasta just doesn't have.

It's cool and interesting sure; but you have to admit it's just not as charming as the idea of all of these supernatural beings and Serial Killers all living in a home together ran by an exhausted faceless Eldritch. As someone who was a very lonely child and to this day lives with abusive parents, this concept means so much more to me than the idea of canon Creepypasta ever did.

Keep in mind, this fandom is OLD. Not ancient, like the Harry Potter fandom (shit is it still kicking?), but most of the fans do tend to be people who've grown up alongside these characters. Although I am still pretty young I've been a Creepypasta fan since I was a young child too, and lemme tell you that the found family aspect of things is just simply more nostalgic. And lemme tell you, no matter what other better concepts there are, NOTHING beats nostalgia.

As someone who prefers the fanon side a bit more than the canon side, it's just stupid fun and that's the charm of it.

Also, it's kind of odd to try and make Creepypasta more 'serious' considering that the whole point of the Creepypasta fans and the Creepypastas themselves is that they're just edgy OCs made by teenagers? I can get the more serious side such as Marble Hornets and most Slenderverse ARGs, but you have to admit, it's pretty damn odd to try and make Creepypasta this serious thing when I don't think it was ever really meant to be that way.

Also, the canon side does its own form of flanderising too. You really mean to tell me that Ticci Toby will abuse you? I get the fact that people are trying to bring awareness to the fact that these guys are Serial Killers and aren't your surrogate parents and siblings, but genuinely strange lengths SOME (KEYWORD) people will go to to prove that point is insane. Considering Toby's family history, do you believe that he will actually physically and verbally abuse you if you were in a relationship with him?

He's mentally unstable sure, but he's not an abuser because of that. I can understand that viewpoint for Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer, but for most of the others I just don't see it. I can also see it for Slenderman but yk HE DOESN'T HAVE A CANON.

Also this post isn't just fully defending fanon; it's had it's nasty little mistakes (*cough cough* FANON MASKY *cough cough*), and I definitely won't defend that.

TL;DR/Conclusion: Fanon and Canon are both great, you don't need to attack each other over it, and especially no need to attack those who seek comfort in the fanon side. Creepypasta is a fandom of edginess and we should be celebrating that instead of trying to turn away from it and mold it into something it just ISNT.

Thanks for reading!

#littlelady #creepypasta #creepypasta fandom #slenderman #ben drowned #jeff the killer #fanon vs canon #ticci toby #slender proxy #slenderverse #old fandom #dead fandom

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perpetual-fool · 5 months ago

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Rewriting 'value'

My problem is that I've been conditioned to feel that whatever I think is good is evil. Everything I value is wrong. And if it's not wrong then it's neutral, but I'm wrong for not figuring it out sooner.

I have to conclude that others are mistaken for being upset with me. And I have a little bit to work with. Whenever I've proposed an improvement that someone has fought me over, if they at least agree to do the thing a little bit, they end up agreeing with me. Far as I can tell, when I've thought something could be better, I was right literally every time. But I need a reason why people would do that. Why would people want to keep things bad?

Hmm. Did they know it was better when they objected? No, else they would not have changed their minds. So they passed judgment without any consideration. Why would someone judge thoughtlessly? Because they think it doesn't matter? Why would they think it doesn't matter?

Autism? I'm going off an anecdote, a guy was linked to an 'autism test', the first question was "do you prefer working alone or in a group?" and the guy was ranting about how the question doesn't make any sense because it depends on the circumstances. And he's right, but apparently neurotypical people don't think like that. And the last model of autism that I heard about which sounded reasonable was that an autistic brain has stronger connections. That for instance, flat affect is a result of blocking out emotions entirely, because they are overwhelming. So maybe others' concern is equivalent to my 'not giving a shit'? That would the explain the paradox "caring enough to do the thing, but doing it wrong". Like, they can understand that they'll need a pencil, but they aren't capable of realizing that it also has to write until they put it to paper and nothing is legible.

I really really do not like "unfathomable stupidity" as an explanation. Then again, that's exactly what I've been blaming myself for, so maybe it's fair. And the phenomenon is happening regardless. Can there be another explanation? Aside from a variation of 'they are not real'. It's honest, because they're screwing themselves over. Is there another way to be paradoxically wrong that isn't 'stupidity'? Well, that is how I define 'stupid', not making connections they should have. To rephrase, is there any explanation possible other than 'the pencil also has to work' being too big a leap for their brain to make? I've considered they might be making a different connection, but that doesn't excuse this one. Not hypothetical, is there any other explanation for someone saying 'I want all the benefits, but not the drawbacks' and not realizing the problem with that? They're thinking it through as much as anyone does, they're honestly not making the connection, even if they were dishonest they're still not making the connection. This feels equivalent of a child telling a lie like "I am wearing my shoes", not realizing you can look down and see their bare feet. And oh god, that fits. Except children know they're lying and adults tell you you're insane for not believing their blatant contradiction. No, I can't think of any alternative.

Fine. I'm some kind of genius and the vast majority of people don't have enough brain capacity to understand an 'if' statement. They absolutely never explain anything because the explanations do not exist, and they do not have the intelligence to recognize 'truth' or 'good'.

That's not much better than 'brain in a vat'.

But the paradox? If they can't comprehend "if hungry, then eat" then how are they alive? And I think "comprehend" is the significant part. Like it must be that their body is compelled to insert food into the digestive system. Similarly, the logic gates in their brain must exist. But 'awareness' is a different process. And going by anecdotes of experiments with people who've had their corpus callosum severed, the conscious part doesn't actually control anything, it just makes up a story about what's happening. But that's still running on the same brain, how is that different? I suppose the paradox goes away if I imagine no one has ever told them anything, and they've never said anything. So like, not realizing that you need to adjust the heat on the stove when you keep burning food is dumb. But it's not of the same magnitude as arguing that the food isn't burnt. So the stupid is compounding, probably. And the problem would mainly be connecting words to ideas. Yeah, that question is resolved. The apparent paradox is faulty interpretation making people look much, much worse than they are.

Why the confidence? There is absolutely fucking nothing I can do, maybe short of torture, to convince someone they've misunderstood. Why? In my own experience, uncertainty comes from something not fitting my model. So presumably that's not happening for them. But the not-fitting is present. Are they so stupid that their model does not extend beyond themselves? Say, best example I have was from my brief time on a Minecraft server. Everyone was working on a big project, most of them were using mods to fly, I wasn't. They had figured out an optimal way to do this thing, but it depended on flying. They could not fathom why I couldn't run while my character was swimming. So, people have their idea, they have the behavior based on that idea, but the result of that behavior is out of scope? Is that why they argue about their intent when I tell them their behavior was harmful? That genuinely would explain a lot of debates about politics or economics and such. Like, we should be able to have objectively true and tested answers for what effect a certain type of policy has. And if we didn't, there's nothing to discuss until we do. But people waste time arguing like "That's bad!", "Nu-uh, it's good actually". That would actually explain a lot of things. I suppose being a workable solution and opposed to nothing, I should believe that.

Why is it so hard to believe? Not really in question. This is as natural to me as breathing, and to say most people can't understand consequences is like saying most people can't understand the concept of addition. It's much easier to think everyone is fucking with me somehow. I admit the evidence doesn't support the idea, that other people should be smart. This is comparable to my thoughts on the Fermi paradox. Essentially, "if space is so big, where are the aliens?" But we're the only life we know of, and you can't draw a trend from a single point, so that's dumb. And I am that single point here. Debatably there's one more point. The only person I've found somewhat relatable is the late Richard Feynman, who was actually socially accepted as some kind of genius. For instance, there's a clip where he's addressing suggestions to known physics problems that people write in about. He makes an analogy to safecracking, "'Maybe the answer is 1-2-10' they say. But maybe you've already tried 1-2-10, maybe you know for a fact that the answer is five digits long". (approximately) I make analogies like that quite frequently when I'm trying to explain or clarify something. And it's always a waste of time, and I've heard absolutely no one else ever do that. And maybe it's a clue that he though of himself as ordinary, "I was an ordinary person, who studied hard". Though maybe he was lying.

It might help if it was defined. I don't see a line between what people can do and what they can't. Like, they can understand that cleaning a water bottle is hard and decide they don't want to do that. But they can't understand that 'a bottle you never clean' means a disposable one. How is that different? Maybe they're lying and never understood any of it. Maybe "I don't like cleaning" was the only honest thing they said. But how would they know to clean in the first place? I don't have anything to work with from this angle. How was Feynman different? Like, supposedly it was widely accepted that quantum physics could only be understood in terms of esoteric equations, until he invented the Feynman diagram. Why is it that not just anyone could decide to represent the equation as a picture? They're capable of understanding it afterwards, so they're not just too stupid for it. Are they not considering the alternatives, or not seeing them at all? Since the objection is never valid, it must be they don't see it. There was another Feynman story where others were attempting to think of an alternative, so it must be they cannot create alternatives. What would make that impossible? The process working would be something like "I want to move this rock. Oh no! the rock is too heavy to pick up. Can I make it less heavy? Can I increase my lifting capacity? Can I move it without lifting it?" So, I'm considering different ways of interacting with the system? To be unable to do that, there would have to be no system at all. Like, for someone to not understand that you could push the rock without picking it up, the whole procedure would have to be a magic ritual. And 'understanding' after would be just seeing the result "Wow, they didn't pick up the rock, yet somehow the rock is moved!" "He fixes radios by thinking!" I really wish that didn't fit. Yeah, "system awareness", that's what it is.

Redo, why the confidence? They're certain they know what the ritual is, and they think my responses are wrong for not matching the ritual.

Why are others wrong to be upset with me? They're upset with me for the part of the ritual they think I'm playing. But I was never participating in the ritual. I could not, even if I wanted to.

How am I not just evil? Better phrased, how is my existence not innately harmful to others? It's not guaranteed that I'll trigger the bad rituals, though I'd probably still be harmful in aggregate. It's virtually guaranteed that I'll be misused. If other people try to direct me with rituals they are not going to get what they want. But I could be used for good. I could be useful.

Does their being wrong mean I'm not evil? The harm is still happening even if the crime isn't. Like if someone feels their life is in danger because a large dog exists, that person is experiencing extreme distress. Taking that apart, there is the dog, the person, and the idea. Obviously the idea has the most significant impact, and I recognize that it doesn't make sense to consider the dog as possibly culpable but not the person. The latter, I think is just conditioning that the 'victim' can never be at fault. The former, it doesn't feel like it matters. They hate me, so I'm evil. Even if they're wrong about why they hate me, they still hate me. What grounds would I possibly have to say that someone's values are wrong? In itself, there are none. But someone could be wrong about what they think their values are, and wrong about what is it they think they're judging. Like maybe you think you hate vegetables because your mother was a terrible cook. Or, to be wrong about your values you have to be stupid, like deciding you hate something you've never tried. It's hard for me to believe that could happen, but I've seen it. So to be wrong, they've invented a conclusion based on no evidence, or they've experienced the thing in a misleading way. The dog then, either they have the wrong idea from a bad experience, or they're just making it up. That doesn't quite match though. Like, I've seen video of someone who was legitimately delusional, she was yelling at the mailman because she thought they were stalking her. And that doesn't seem like the same kind of situation as someone berating a dog owner with "your dog is DANGEROUS and he's gonna KILL someone!" I don't think that's someone who's genuinely afraid. So they're not stupid, they're lying. Although that becomes a recursive issue, why are they hating the dog to begin with? Maybe they're just aesthetically disgusted by dogs. In which case, they're not wrong. So am I evil? maybe.

Is it wrong to be ugly? So if someone hates me for being too tall, or too fat, or too symmetrical, does that make me evil? Though that's not-quite refuted by the idea that whatever your body type, there's probably someone who finds you attractive. It's at least a possibility. So if one person finds me disgusting, and another finds me hot, what does that make me? I don't think I could say that either of them are correct. Obviously each just has their preference, so then the idea that I 'am' ugly is false objectivity? Meaning someone is framing their opinion as fact. Probably "I don't like that" as "you made me feel bad". And every variation of that consolidated into "I am a piece of shit". I suppose that brings me back to where I was.

Am I 'doing' your feelings? The process is 'I do something, you observe it, you interpret it, you feel some kind of way about your interpretation'. The elements which could be at fault are the 'doing' and 'interpretation'. I would think I'm asking, did the 'doing' have the most influence on the outcome? But that isn't the accusation. It's not my fault, it's what I did. I didn't do something to make you upset, I made you upset, directly, bypassing causality. Obviously that's wrong. Reinterpreting, for others lacking system awareness, outcomes magically arise from circumstances. All they know is that I said a thing and then they were upset. The 'magic' explanation is that I'm stupid and/or evil.

Replacement? Others' interpretation is faulty, and they're not aware that interpretation is happening. I'm not stupid for being unable to make sense of things, things actually don't make sense. This is due to the aforementioned faulty thinking and neglect of the relationships within the system, because they are not aware there is a system. And I am not evil for people being upset with me, because 'evil' is a process that bypasses causality, and does not exist. I have no innate 'badness'.

Am I not still doing bad? Kinda. It's mostly other people being wrong about things. So while they may be unhappy about it, it was their doing. Though that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want people to hurt themselves on me. And I want to resolve things. I want to connect. I feel like that's my fundamental sin. I suppose that's almost 'magical' thinking. I want to connect and then bad things happen. But in between those, I attempt to communicate, my communication is misinterpreted, and then either they get upset or they 'attack' my psyche. They respond in an invalid way, and the only way to make it valid is to believe that my existence is innately wrong. That's not my fault.

Alright, I am now merely sad. I'm sure I'll have to keep coming back to this for awhile, until I break the habit.

How do I do good? Even if I'm right, I'm going to be hated every step of the way. And any change I do manage will merely become 'normal', as though it had always been that way. Nothing anyone cares about. Hmm. I had a conversation to confirm, I asked "would you be happier if you never found out your knives were bad?". And I got an emphatic "no" to that. Maybe I'm both right and good? That's throwing me for a loop. And I am very, very tired. I want to keep working but I need rest. I'm gonna try to play video games or something while my brain figures out what to do with this.

To be continued.

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kafkaoftherubble · 1 year ago

Text

有点忐忑

I have lost my sense of smell. I've been gradually losing it since yesterday, but today, it's not functioning. This is weird since I've long past my fever and am virtually no different from normal, but fine. It will return. The ability to smell, I mean. I'll be able to smell chamomiles again soon.

But there's something else I'm worried about given the history of us I'd inherited from my predecessors. And just now, it flared.

It's the OCD. It's trying to capitalize on this loss, however temporary, and telling me that it will never come back"What if it doesn't come back? What if it's not temporary? What if you can't smell shits forever? What if this nothingness is permanent forever? What if—"

How shall I describe those few seconds? My heart racing to the max. Hands going cold. Anxiety and fear, yes, but mostly that primal urge to scream. "Help me! Help! Let me smell something, please! Let me smell something, please, let me smell something! I want to smell something! I want to smell something! I need to smell something!"

I felt like I was heading toward a breakdown,

And then They kept saying I shouldn't try and look for something to smell because I'll keep trying and then there will still be no smell, and I'll feel like I don't have a nose, and if I'm not smelling anything how can I tell if I'm breathing, and—

Luckily Fionn scrambled to get me to smell my shampoo, and I could smell a whiff of its scent, mild as it was. I could also smell my deodorant. A whiff. Very mild. But I can. That pacified me for a bit, for now.

But what if I can't the next time? Should I smell them every hour to see if I can smell at least something? We have been there before. Establishing a ritual, pacifying ourselves, telling us it's the one thing that keeps Them out. Fostering some sort of reliance. But we didn't actually really got better because of it because we were just shoring up little arbitrary things to make us feel safe.

I don't want what happened to me when we were 13 to happen again. I cannot tackle this new source of anxiety in a way that causes That to happen, because I don't want to be brought to another exorcist or go through another exorcism again. The Lyndises at that time got out of half a year's worth of serious episodes and those exorcisms with insane creativity and a sort of fantasy-reality dissociate-associate and honestly, it was a hilarious and sorta darkly comedic story that some of my predecessor Lyndises used for her stand-up and story-telling time, but we also remembered how paralyzingly terrifying every moment of it was, too, in that state. It wasn't half a year-long of psychological torment for nothing. The boarding school didn't start spreading rumors about us being half-possessed at all times, discussing us in message boards, making up stories about the sort of spirit that possessed me, for nothing. We didn't start talking to mirrors for nothing. We didn't start talking to dolls for nothing. All that because our OCD flared up and was uncontrolled and nobody in that stupid school, despite being supposedly elite and having an office for counselors, knew it was a mental disorder.

All they worried about was whether I was suicidal. We weren't; we just wanted out of the school because it was full of "hepatitis B blood virus" in my OCD mind, and because it was so lonely and isolating and invisible there. Because we were being treated like a ghost, but we were still tangible enough to possibly be contaminated by "viruses", and so They kept telling us we could be if we weren't vigilant. Outside, people were telling us that we were just doing stupid shit because we were a delicate flower with zero grit who couldn't even weather through a boarding school, no matter how many times she told 'em she wanted to be transferred to a normal public school. In the end, we had to play into the possession narrative—including not hiding our tendency to hear voices, and even letting Someone take over the driver seat partially—just to finally be listened to by a crowd of terrified adults. They rather listen to the "ghost" who possessed me. Because when I was a human, I was simply my Dad's experiment to create the perfect child.

We nursed ourselves back to health through weird regimes we cobbled out of daydreams and fantasies and those audio hallucinations and by luck and some miscellaneous untaught ingenuity, without support from the internet or other people online (we didn't even know it was called OCD; we just knew we were not actually possessed), and the help of a new environment where we could start over again. But that was yet another half a year of recovery.

I don't want that. My predecessors didn't go through all of these just so I, the one who succeeded them, repeat their methods and honest mistakes. I have to be careful about this loss-of-sense-of-smile issue. And this time, there's a high chance that we can. I am much more mindful of my state of mind and emotional state, and I am better at facing and responding to Them. I have knowledge! I'm armed with knowledge all of us had been gathering thus far, in a volume far greater than 13-year-old Lyndis(es) had. My metacognitive voices are wiser. Faster. Clearer at rebuttals. And so is Fionn, who learned his own things while I learned mine. And the 8-foot Tall Woman isn't even as antagonistic to me as she used to be.

This is different from then. This doesn't need to be a replay of what happened in 2008. It's not impossible for me to make sure our brain doesn't accidentally succumb to the lure of my OCD and rewrite its own neural circuit into a deeper and deeper spiral. Be vigilant, but not toward the object of anxieties, but to the anxieties themselves. My sense of smell will return; I know that much as a fact of science. But the anxieties themselves—They—will try to convince me otherwise. They will try to make me edge to another breakdown.

If I succumb too much I rewrite my circuit and make it even easier to succumb the next time. It's all circuitry at the end of the day; it's a rumination, a self-reinforcing process. Oh, like the Kaisen in Jujutsu Kaisen! Hahahaha!

..... You of the future who inherited me: this is as much for me as it is for you.

#a piece to the rubble

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fuckzachariah · 1 year ago

Text

Zach sat up straighter. He knew even as it occurred to him that Naomi wouldn't go lightly; she and Alex were kin, they would fight fire with fire until the whole place went up in flames. But Zach could burn even after his opponents were ash. She should know fucking better. His brow furrowed, sharp face painted openly with distaste. "I'm not criticizing Alex for asking, I'm criticizing you for reeling off all this shit you could've stopped at the time knowing it'll hurt her. You claim to know her so fucking well - you thought indulging in clearly out of character behavior, blasted out of her fucking mind, was something you should've been encouraging? If you sit there and claim to be fucking innocent, you're worse than I thought." He stood up, pacing a safe distance across the room, trying to exorcise his swelling rage before it cloaked him.

He reeled around as she started up again, jaw flexing as he restrained himself from flying across the room. "Oh, flawless fucking logic Naomi. Really. I wasn't aware someone else's mistake infinitely excused all of yours. If I break a glass and you hold her hand while she walks barefoot all over the shards, I suppose that's my fault too, is it?" She was unbelievable; his blame did not negate hers. "You should've known fucking better. But she was acting like you, indulging in all your very evident fucking problems, and that's all that mattered - right?" She couldn't fool him - Zach knew an addict when he saw one. Alex wedged herself meekly between them, attempting to encourage Naomi to re-think, but on she relentlessly went. His teeth ground together. He could fucking kill her. "You can't be fucking serious? I was staying away, like Alex fucking wanted me to. I'm failing to see how anything that happened while you were supposedly taking care of a friend can be the fault of my non-fucking-presence. Are you stupid, or dumb? Notice I gave you two definitive options so you don't fall into the trap of picking the non-existent third option that fits your narrative."

Zach rolled his eyes, her arguments inane, rolling off his back like water on duck feathers. "Yeah, well, maybe you wouldn't have to lie if you hadn't have spent two months pretending your own fucking indulgence was some healing retreat. Loading her up on coke and fucking her with some random guy when you knew she could barely remember what she had for breakfast. Are you insane?" He turned away, wringing his own forearms in his fists to quell the boiling veins begging him to do something far worse than yell. Her phone jumped loudly on the counter, demanding attention, and the interruption of his manufactured peace sent his shoulders up defensively. Naomi grumbled, defeated at Alex's insistence, and she scoffed as she made her exit. "Fucking, whatever. I'll be back in a second. Once your dog stops barking." She glared at him.

His pacing didn't cease; if he couldn't feel something cave under his fist, he would just need to keep moving. "I'm sorry, I know that didn't help either. I just-" Zach sighed frustratedly, turning to look at her, his bottom lip splitting between his clamped teeth. "I want to help. And I don't know how. I know I put you here-" His chin chucked in the opposite direction, fixating on the cut of light through the blinds on the wall. His heart beat arrhythmically. "Fuck. Alex." He crossed the room, coming to his knees before her in front of the sofa. "Earlier tonight, I thought if I could just apologize and you could hear it, maybe it'd help you live the rest of your life. Some closure. Some - something. But I just can't get my fucking head around an ending. It doesn't make sense that we'd ever just end." He shook his head, aware of his veering off track. He cracked his neck with a head roll to re-orient, and pulled her hands into his. "What do you need?" he muttered, eyes searching hers. "Is it something I can give you?"

Naomi gazed at Alex, her cerulean eyes glistening with emotion. Her heart ached for her best friend. She began to part her lips, ready to apologize, but her intent was swiftly halted. She had nearly overlooked Zach’s silent presence, which was now overshadowed by the sudden eruption of his vehement outburst. It caught her off guard, and her brows knitted together. Naomi’s entire being instinctively braced for the defensive stance she was about to assume. “Excuse me?”Her voice sliced through the air, its icy tone challenging him to utter the accusation once more. Zach had long departed Alex’s life, leaving her in a state of desolation and a broken heart for months. Prior to Naomi’s arrival, she had been drowning in her sorrow by self-medicating, rendering her nearly unconscious. Meanwhile, she assumed he was coping with his issues by immersing himself in a whirlwind of parties, fucking random women, and succumbing to his former vices – the very ones that had nearly claimed his life on two separate occasions.

She wasn’t claiming to be a saint, but she was giving her utmost effort to assist her friend in navigating a challenging situation, one in which she knew nothing about. “She has the right to ask the questions she wants. If you can’t handle the answers because you’re seething with jealously over them, then you can show yourself out. And just so we’re clear, I never forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do at the time. Maybe if you hadn’t treated her like shit, she wouldn’t have wanted to be high out of her fucking mind every day and night to forget it.” Naomi’s dark waves swirled assertively with each emphatic movement of her head. There was no chance she would let him shift any blame onto her. It felt unjust. “Maybe if she hadn’t been in accident, one that you were responsible for, we wouldn’t have to remind her of everything that’s happened.” Alex shifted uncomfortably upon the couch, observing the blame shift back and forth between the two.

She spoke softly, “Naomi.” Naomi turned towards her, a single finger suspended in the air, but she pressed on, “No, it’s bullshit. Where the fuck has he been the last few months? I’ve been here with you. Do you think I would have allowed you to do any of that had I known all that you’ve been through?” Alex spoke louder, “It doesn’t matter.” Undeterred, Naomi persisted, “And for the record. She’s the one who told me about her memory. She said it was spotty and I helped her fill in the gaps as best I could. I hadn’t planned on telling her any of this, but she asked and I’m not going to lie to her.” Alex let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose between her index finger and thumb. She could feel the pressure building in her head. “Can we not argue right now? You think this is helpful to me?” Naomi reclined against the couch cushions, arms folded tightly across her chest, radiating irritation as she fixed a piercing gaze on Zach. “I asked him back here because I thought you might need him. Clearly, there was a reason the two of you carried on for so long, even if it was fucking toxic.”

Naomi’s phone began to ring insistently from the kitchen. She pretended to ignore it initially, but the sound reverberated through the vastness of Alex’s apartment. “You can get that, you know? I doubt there’s going to be any miraculous revelations. Take a beat, while you’re at it,” Alex suggested, her tone a blend of a nonchalance and subtle concern.

#para

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mypimpademia · 3 years ago

Text

— Can't Get You Outta My Mind

Bakugo x black!reader

TW: Swearing

Note: this felt so good to write bc I haven't written shit in soooo long. Hope yall enjoy🙏🏾💖 btw the song linked does refer to women but this fic is gn

— BAKUGO.

⇶ The moment that it dawned on him that he couldn't stop thinking of you no matter what, he felt like an insane person

⇶ Katsuki isn't stupid, far from it... that just doesn't apply in terms of romance.

⇶ Everytime the thought of him seeing you in a romantic light crossed his mine, or anytime Bakusquad insisted he liked you, he denied it heavily

⇶ I mean, he didn't think he liked you when the thought crossed his mind at first, so he just kept telling himself that he didn't over and over

⇶ But gradually, his thoughts would with nothing but you, you, and you

⇶ It was so unlike him and he hated it, especially because he kind of (really*) enjoyed thinking of you

⇶ It only got worse the more you hung around him

⇶ You could be doing the bare minimum and this boys hands start sweating

⇶ Just walk into the room and he's a mess, your vibe alone sends him into an emotional frenzy

⇶ It got to a point where he couldn't take it anymore, and flat out just started ignoring you one day

⇶ The first day, you thought he was just being moody, as he does, and gave him some space

⇶ But then he did it again the next day... then the next... and the day after that... and so on

⇶ You'd still catch him taking glances at you in class, but he'd always look away and turn away from you the moment you noticed

⇶ After a week you were fed up because you knew you hadn't done anything wrong

⇶ You tried to stop him to talk in the hallway, and he literally just turned around and walked away from you without saying anything, knowing his ass had class in the opposite direction💀

⇶ You ended up having to corner him in his own dorm

"Alright Katsuki, you gon' tell me what's been going on or what?" You asked Bakugo, tapping your foot against the hardwood.

He turned away from you, as he'd been doing all week.

"Don't know what you're talking about." He said plainly.

⇶ At that point, you decided there was no use in being angry

⇶ So you decided to poke it out of him

⇶ Especially when you realized that he was turning pink all the way to his ears

"Oh, I see." You said, making him turn back towards you, only slightly, and raise his eyebrow.

"You see? See what?" He asked, confused. You couldn't possibly know that he'd been doing all this because he didn't want to admit that he's lovesick for you. So what the hell were you seeing?

"This is over a special someone, ain't it?"

And that's when his panic start to set in.

⇶ The room filled with the scent of carmel, and Bakugo wiped his palms against his grey sweats

⇶ And that's exactly when you realized you hit the jackpot

"Oh? So it is? Who is it? C'mon you can tell me, I won't tell nobody." You teased, walking up to him and placing your hands on his shoulders.

"Hm, is it Mina? You sure hangout with her a lot." You said.

"No." He answered shortly.

"Jirou? Uraraka? Momo?" You pushed.

"No, no, and no. And Uraraka? Who the hell is that?" Bakugo retorted.

You loved your girl Uraraka, but you had to stiffle a laugh at the way he had no clue who she was, despite being in the same class as her.

"Okay, okay. Maybe a guy? Kirishima? Kaminari? Maybe even Ser-"

"Oh my God, it's fucking you."

⇶ Both of you were equally surprised at his sudden reveal, and the entire room went dead silent, aside from light nervous crackling emitting from the blondes palms

⇶ Bakugo was beet red, and didn't even look at you before he picked you up, and threw you over his shoulder

"Get out, get out, get out–"

⇶ Set you down outside of his dorm, and immediately went to shut the door afterwards

⇶ But you caught the door with your foot and put all your weight against it trying to get in

⇶ Of course, Bakugo is stronger so it did virtually nothing, the only reason you got in was because he let you since he didn't wanna crush you in the door

You stumbled through the door and damn near fell on your face before catching yourself.

"Nigga, what is wrong with you-"

"Please just leave." Bakugo pleaded, voice high pitched, still cherry red, and not facing you.

You sucked your teeth and rolled your eyes.

'I gotta do everything myself.' You thought.

Walking around him, and standing facing him, he looked so embarrassed that he was almost on the verge of tears.

You held his face in his hands, making him impossibly redder.

If he were a cartoon character, his heart would've been bursting out of his chest when you kissed him.

⇶ Even after that, Bakugo was still acting like a lovesick puppy around you, and everyone could tell

⇶ But he wasn't avoiding you anymore, quite the opposite actually

⇶ Most of the time, he could actually be found looming around you, fingers intertwined with yours and staring at you with hearts in his eyes

⇶ No one was sure if he'd get out of the trance-like state you put him under, and honestly he wasn't sure either but they all accepted it eventually

Taglist; @myhoodacademia @katsuflossy @minruko @ecao @hawklmaoo @wolfkid22 @mythiccheroacademia @myfandemons @lilsparkyswife @mindofess @kqtsukisgf @katsuphobic @angiebug101 @solar3lunar @milliumizoomi @asaincy @silkylious @blackweebtrash @morosis-haze @cloudytamaki @sunshineszn @katsumiiii @racistareversa

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years ago

Text

Dead Apple Is A Hot Mess: The Analysis

Essays:

-Dead Apple Only Really Makes Sense If You Assume It's Just Dazai, Shibusawa, and Fyodor's Elaborate Honeymoon

-Half All Other Inconsistencies Can Be Explained By Dazai Making Up Excuses To Shove Chuuya At His Crotch

-I Think Fyodor's Ability Is Actually 10 Times Weirder Than We Thought

-Ranpo Solved The Backrooms While This Shit Was Going On

Plus, everything else batshit crazy stupid about dead apple (affectionate)

Subtitle subtitle: me overanalyzing the movie equivalent of "girls just wanna have fun" played over a slasher film

this is all word vomit at this point

Prefacing this with holy shit of course I mean this all jokingly, obviously this is not what the writers meant, but they certainly left enough plot holes that my stupid idea actually fills them pretty consistently, so I'm taking it and fucking running.

I've been wanting to make a post like "how little sense dead apple makes as a cohesive story and how genuinely every time I think about it I'm just more confused" for a while, but since I finally finished reading the light novel, now I can say with certainty that yeah no, I'm not just stupid, it just literally does not make any logical sense unless you conclude that these flamboyant war criminals were all just in love with each other and their entire three-way backstabbing apocalypse deal was all a predetermined game that they planned out for their honeymoon or something. Yes, I am really saying that I think they just dressed up and played pretend as terrorists and decided that half the gifted population of Yokohama was a sacrifice they were willing to make.

Even then, it really doesn't account for half of the bullshit in the movie, but taking it that way honest to god explains about 80% of the inconsistencies, as ridiculous as it sounds.

@akutagawasslur and I have been talking about it and came up with a few sort of outlandish theories that try to actually make sense of the plot, but again, most of this is just gonna be me pointing out plot holes and continuity errors and narrative stupidity that I have no way of understanding, and that even assuming a ton of things, it still feels like this meme

Let me preface this with the fact that I love dead apple, it's an amazing movie and very pretty and I'm so glad it exists and it gave us 1. soukoku sex scene /j, 2. dazai with fancy hair, and 3. shibusawa our transfem icon /hj. But also, it just objectively sucks ass. I'm sure people have talked about this before, I just. Also have thoughts on the subject of how insanely poorly thought out the entire concept was.

(Giant fucking essay under the cut I feel like one of those youtubers who criticizes anime for fun but when I call everything gay it's a compliment)

_____________________________________________________

OK FIRST, DEAD APPLE TRIO GAY,

Before I even get into the plot of the movie, I'd like to for a minute direct you to the fact that there's no way any of these men are straight to begin with, no matter what they have to do with each other.

It's something really funny about anime in general, the way that they inadvertently make all the men fruity af for interesting character designs because straight guys are just so incredibly bland looking. It might seem normal when looking at an anime dude, but if you saw a dude irl wearing long braided hair, long, manicured nails, eyeliner, Arm Warmers, clothes he sewed himself, jewelry, and a Cape, there is no doubt in ANYONE'S mind that that's not a cishet man.

Dead Apple is just in general a very confusing movie. The light novel doesn't really help that much either, even if you've already watched it several times. I've heard that the stage play has just, a different plot altogether, but we're not even getting into that. And if someone has to put in that much effort to understand the plot of an anime movie, I don't think that's a good sign. The light novel definitely does go more into the plot, but that's kind of weird, since it's an adaption of the movie and not the other way around? They're kind of inconsistent, and they also have different translations. Honestly, after reading it, I have more questions than answers.

First off, I want to point out how entirely vague Dazai, Fyodor, and Shibusawa's motives all were in this movie. Even though the movie does eventually state what in general all of their motives supposedly are, the explanations given not only Do Not Explain their actions in ANY WAY, but also come off themselves as blatant misinformation.

I feel like the writers tried so hard to have their mind games seem death note level complex that they just ended up creating massive fucking plot holes that bring all of their motives into question.

To begin with, we have Dazai. After spending an ungodly amount of time on it, I think I kind of understand what the writers intended for him to come off as. It's a little hard because they wait to reveal that Dazai didn't actually just wholeheartedly want everyone to die for a little bit too fucking long, in my opinion, and even when they did it... it didn't work, it just took away an understandable though awful motive and failed to repace it with anything good.

So you have Dazai at the start of the movie clearly having a Moment Moment on a grave going hey bestie gonna go try out a new method of fucking killing myself, and atsushi's like, ok, be back for dinner. Dazai then reveals that he thinks Everyone Should Commit Suicide Actually and it's pretty in character to be perfectly honest. Yeah sure, of course he does. Seems like his brand of mental illness. Ango is like Dazai this is a bit much even for you you Literally Invited Terrorists To Have A Good Time but dazai's like Bestie Im Just Having A Bad Day and meets up with his matching gay villains like this was planned all along, which undoubtedly it was.

Yeah, seems like a pretty understandable motive. Depressed man convinced into thinking Apocalypse Sexy by two homosexuals. I can forgive that.

But then like three quarters through the movie, after they've had a whole ass arc about how much they're depressed and want everyone to die including themselves but they have to lounge around being emo first, Dazai is suddenly like No Actually I Was Faking It Definitely To Save Yokohama Of Course Because That's Me, Mr. Morals. And as much as I'm glad Dazai did in fact give a miniscule shit about Chuuya and Atsushi and like the entire city, I... honestly don't believe it. Not just because I wouldn't trust Dazai as far as I could throw him, but because the way they try to clear his name just isn't comprehensive enough, and I have to say it would not hold up in a court of law. (I'm amazed that it took as long as it did for Dazai to get thrown in fucking prison as it did, lol)

So sure, the movie then tells us that he invited them into the city because, I guess, they were going to do it anyway? That doesn't even make any sense. If Shibusawa was already targeting Yokohama, Dazai wouldn't need to fucking invite him. We never got any clarification on what Dazai actually did to get Shibusawa's trust in the slightest. How did he help with the plan? How was he cooperating with Shibusawa? What did he say or do that made the guy trust him? No clarification on that at all.

So that is left as a mystery, and now onto the other side- what did Dazai actually do to HELP the city? How was anything he did helping save them? Of course, he was working with Fyodor and he was going to nullify the fog with his skill, right? Fucking wrong, actually- Dazai knew the whole goddamn time that wasn't going to work. He knew he was going to be betrayed and stabbed, he could pinpoint it so well that he knew what poison that Shibusawa would use, and he knew that what Fyodor was telling him about the room and the skill was a lie. He was fully aware that being in that tower with those two would not help anyone. So then why was he there to begin with?

So Dazai gets stabbed, fucking dies, and is somehow beamed up into a fucking dragon because of Fyodor killing Shibusawa and like, resurrecting him again with his own ability. This part still doesn't even make sense to me in the slightest, and the fact that Whatever They Did Here also applied to Verlaine and Rimbaud in the Lore doesn't actually clarify much.

The only reason that this works is the fact that Dazai is genuinely dead. Not passed out, not in the process of dying- no, he's straight up passed away. His ability yeeted. It doesn't work during that time Because he's Dead, or well, that's what the light novel said anyway.

Then Chuuya punches the dragon and somehow gets to Dazai and punches him...... and then... dazai fucking.... comes back to life...... because he had a pill in his mouth......... and then boom his ability comes back on and saves Chuuya. Correct me if I'm wrong, but how the fuck did that help anyone in the slightest, not to even get into the absurdity of the plat yet? Chuuya wouldnt have even needed to use corruption if Dazai hadn't gotten himself turned into a goddamn dragon.

I don't believe the fog even went away at all until Atsushi smashed in Shibusawa's skull, so Dazai's ability wasn't getting rid of the fog in the slightest, even after the whole Dragon Event. And Dazai being there didn't change the outcome of Atsushi's battle, since Shibusawa got where he was with Atsushi entirely because of what Fyodor himself wanted. That same outcome would have happened whether Dazai was there or not.

Even if there was something Dazai did to help that I somehow managed to miss, gee fucking whiz, Dazai, you sure did take your sweet fucking time getting to it. Remember all those crystals that appeared in Shibusawa's collection during this shit??? You know??? The people that fucking died in the fog???? Because you let them in?? He wasn't being particularly helpful, if anything, what he did only got Fyodor farther along in his plans and Shibusawa exactly what he wanted.

The writers attempt to present Dazai as having in the end chosen the good side, but in all fucking honesty, what they came across showing us through his actions is that he let hundreds of ability users die because he wanted to have a fun time. Bitch was not trying to save the city. He didn't care if it was saved at all, he left that completely up to three teenagers who had about a 20% chance of surviving and all fucking hated each other. And why, because he realized that Shibusawa would eventually target Yokohama? God, maybe he could have fucking called Ango or something and gotten the actual qualified government on it, or even got the whole detective agency to fight Shibusawa before he came. Surely that would have fucking worked fine, or at least had fewer casualties. If all they needed to do was have Atsushi beat the shit out of him and Dazai was fully aware of this, I don't think he really has an argument as to saying he was doing this for good.

He never even tries to say it was to save anyone. Atsushi just, decides that's what he was doing. Dazai even tells him he's wrong.

(In my opinion, I do think he cared about the city, I do think he wants to fulfill Oda's wish, but from what I've seen, he's just... not really trying as hard as he could be. I think he was playing both sides on this one, you know? If Atsushi makes it through, then boom, well, city saved, let's move on. If Shibusawa succeeds, well then everyone dies, whatever, you know, he's hot. This can't really be proven by anything, I just think it's what makes the most sense considering the plot)

So then the question is, what the hell WAS he doing? What were ANY of them doing, if they all predicted perfectly what the outcome was going to be from the beginning?

The only answer I can give is that they're fucking depressed homosexuals and they wanted to have a little morbid fun. Genuinely, if someone can give me a better reason for what is canonically being depicted in this movie I'd LOVE to hear it.

To show you why I feel that interpreting these three as queer, polyamorous, and currently having crazy gay sex, I'd just like to point out a few things.

First of all, when you think about it, the entire stunt these gayasses pulled must have taken an absurd amount of unnecessary preparations and planning. Just to begin with, neither Shibusawa nor Fyodor live in Yokohama, but the second they're there, they already have the fanciest, most emo, obviously Supervillain Hideout piece of real estate in Yokohama. It's not like that place was just sitting around with no one owning it, one of them had to BUY THE PLACE from whoever like. Owned this goth mansion.

I mean, we don't even have time to get into what the hell this building was doing in Yokohama to begin with, because it's like.... in the 15 arc. it's just. A building that exists right at the edge of the Arahabaki crater town. That's GOTTA be plot relevant, but somehow it just. Isn't. It irritates me to no end.

And then before they moved in, someone had to move an entire, crystal collection in there (I've heard that it's actually part of Shibusawa's ability like Anne's room but I'm not sure how true that is so I'm leaving that as a question i guess)

Not only did they probably have to ship 2000 crystals into this place but Shibusawa also BOUGHT THREE CUSTOM MATCHING FANCY CHAIRS and SET A TABLE WITH FRUIT AND HIS FUCKING SKULL and LITERALLY TAILORED MATCHING WHITE OUTFITS for these motherfuckers TO WEAR LITERALLY ONCE. LIKE. HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO S T A B DAZAI HE DIDNT PLAN ON REUSING THE DUDE'S COAT AND YET HE FUCKING SEWED IT HIMSELF.

I'm just. I'm SORRY, this is NOT something you do with your Work Associates. Just. Objectively. This is Not a coworkers relationship we've got going on here, and neither is this something that straight men do.

And even without the embellishments that can be excused as animators wanting to be Aesthetic and Extra without realizing that any higher thinking would deem these bitches as Fruits, the three of them didn't really have any excuses to be together in that tower in the first place, none that they could voice out loud, at least, if they weren't like, fucking.

There seemed to be no plot relevant reason for them to have a tower to stay in. If Draconia was a manifestation of Shibusawa's ability, they didn't have to purchase a building to store it in. And if Dazai and Fyodor didn't need to stay up there to stay away from the effects of the fog (another major thing I'll get to) why did they even meet up to begin with? God, I know you movie makers only have so much you can fit in, but this is pretty basic stuff.

Neither Fyodor or Dazai needed to be around Shibusawa at all for the plan they had pretended to agree on to work.

Fyodor had been aligned with Shibusawa because he was giving the dude inside information on the city. That really,,, has no relevancy to the actual event, even if Fyodor helped him get into the city or something, which wasn't really touched upon. He certainly didn't have any official excuse to hang around other than to watch.

And what did Dazai even do at all? What did he do to get into the cool kids club?? All Dazai did was propose the idea, according to canon... just. Contacted the dude and said hey bro wanna Destroy My City For Funsies? Sounds good, I'm not suspicious at all. Anyway mind if I hang out in your house while you do it? Cool? No reason, I just wanted to watch.

Because Fyodor and Dazai both Somehow are randomly immune to the fog, it's not like they needed protection of any sort. They're just...... there.

Like, that just doesn't hold up. What were they there to do other than have gay sex??? Of course, all three of them have ulterior motives that make it necessary for them to be in the same place, as well as separate different alliances within the alliance that are also lies.

Fyodor agreed to help Dazai touchie the crystals in order to stop the fog, but they both knew it was a lie.

Shibusawa agreed with Fyodor to kill Dazai because they knew he wanted to betray them, but at least Fyodor knew that was a lie.

Dazai on his own really didn't have any clear motive, as I can tell. He seemed to have known touching the crystals wouldn't fix shit, and he seemed to have known Atsushi was the only real determining factor in the outcome, so I'm not sure what he was trying to achieve there other than having a grand old time.

And Fyodor..... well, he says he wanted to kill both Dazai and Shibusawa so he could take the fog to spread out and go across the entire earth, but. No he didn't.

Legitimately. No he did not. He was in Yokohama to look for the book, yet he plays this whole "I'm going to kill everyone right now with my Secret Evil Plan" card and is so incredibly unsurprised when that doesn't end up happening that it doesn't even feel like he meant it to begin with. He tells us this grand plan over the span of TEN YEARS where he gets Shibusawa killed and resurrected and amnesia'd and killed again and then resurrected and killed again. But even though he's spent that much of his life invested in this, when it doesn't work out, literally, he doesn't care???? He fucks off and laughs the second his entire plan falls apart, and this isn't how he we've seen him act when he's been actually bested by Dazai. (yknow, he was clearly very amused when it happened in the third season, like he probably got off on it, but he was still incredibly inconvenienced by the fact. Yknow.)

He also... was in the tower when it fucking. Exploded. And then showed up utterly unscathed in season three. Like. Sure, ok, horror movie physics. He just comes back. But genuinely he must have known beforehand a general idea of what was going to happen even though he apparently "hadn't considered that"? Because otherwise he would like. Not be alive sorry Fyodor getting crushed by a giant building kind of isn't survivable.

Bestie really spend ten years investing in a night of fun.

So genuinely, I don't think it makes sense at all unless the three of them had to some degree agreed on all this beforehand. Because if they were genuinely trying to fight against each other, and they each all had their own comprehensive spiderweb of plans and lies, and they're all really that smart, what would they say to each other when they were all together that any of them would believe? Even if they all knew the others were lying to them and they had to go along to get what they wanted, that wouldn't fix the problem, because what are they lying to say? What would their front be when they have no plot relevant reason to lounge around in a tower together listening to classical music and getting drunk?

If you just accept that they were there to paint each others nails and have crazy gay sex, that pretty much clears that all up. I mean. Why do they need a tower? Gay sex tower. Why do they need to be together? They're gay. Why does Dazai say "i knew your Special Knife would deal me a Nasty Blow" while moaning? I hate the gays. /j (they took that out of the novel and it makes me laugh like. they knew how awful that sounded)

The thing is though, because like I said earlier with how it all ended up playing out, it seemed almost scripted between the three of them. (haha, this is a movie.) But even if you assume these three are in a queer polyamorous relationship as a FRONT, because they're just That Extra, that doesn't really work either.

The way Dazai reacted to their betrayal, the way Fyodor reacted to Dazai's backup plan, the way Shibusawa reacted to Fyodor's plan- none of them seemed unhappy with it, none of them seemed surprised at the fact they were being betrayed, just the specific way in which it happened.

So that's really the only reasonable explanation of what they were doing dhfgdfhgfjfdl. All of them had to have gotten together at least months beforehand and set this up, the way it went. In the end, Fyodor and Dazai just wanted to give Shibusawa a good time before he got to be too much of a problem for their own motives. (dazai's being, existing in yokohama and finding a good way to either die or live, and fyodor's being to find a book in yokohama to murder everyone in his Own Way(??)) Shibusawa genuinely did want to destroy the city tbh I don't think anyone's doubting that, and to some extent, Dazai wanted to see the city Not Destroyed, but Fyodor's utter lack of actual motive here kind of breaks a scenario where they all went into it for that reason.

The only normal reason why I'd believe Fyodor inserted himself into this plan was because he'd have a chance to kill Dazai. Seriously, I still can't see what was wrong with going along with Shibusawa... isn't "i can help all ability users Fucking Die" literally just what Fyodor wants? He can still get the book afterwards too, assumedly once all the competition is gone it would be significantly easier.

The only reason I can give is that it was a fake piece of entertainment for their amusement.

Again at this point it's all just a funny idea, but genuinely, nothing contradicts this, and it certainly would make a lot of things make sense. So get this:

Dazai knows Shibusawa is going to be some level of threat to Yokohama no matter what he does, so he brings together the three of them and goes, hey you know what would be fun? We have a little bet. A little game of among us if you will. So here's the deal. One night, three of us, two knives, one murder. We let you into Yokohama to start up your funny apocalypse thing you wanted to do, and I'll get this cool tower and we'll have a good time. We all get drunk, put on some atmospheric music.... Now here's the catch, MY role is I'm going to try to STOP the fog from killing everyone. Shibusawa, YOU have to try to stop ME from stopping YOU, and FYODOR, you're here because, idk, we like you and you want to kill us, I don't know, surprise us, come up with something insane, and the two of us will have to figure out what YOU'RE doing without spoiling it! We have a few months to all come up with our own plans and try to figure everyone else's out. Let's make this as insane as possible guys. We all have plenty of reasons to benefit from the other being dead, so, Winner gets to homoerotically murder the loser, but we're all suicidal here anyway, so it's really a win win situation no matter how you look at it. Does that sound good? And of course they both say yes and they start making plans and it's like, half a year before this thing happens.

It really means that they had to have all been in on every level of betrayal and decided to go in on it anyway, they had to agree to this stuff and then planned it all in their heads so some of it would be a surprise.

_____________________________________________________

ANYWAY MORE DUMB INCONSISTENCIES THAT I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY PUT INTO A COHERENT ORDER

There's a significant amount of other things about this candy colored piece of nonsense though, specifically just, how absolutely batshit stupid the storyline itself is.

Like, Dazai, straight up fucking died. He passed away!! He, unalived, if you will!! He got stabbed by a poison knife and died! His ability stopped working and separated from his body which specifically said in the narrative would only happen if he Actually Died!

But then??????? Chuuya slaps him?????? And there's a pill in his mouth that he's somehow kept there for the whole night???? And he just!! Resurrects from the goddamn dead!

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be like that because blah blah snow white but SNOW WHITE IS THE MOST ILLOGICAL FAIRY TALE EVER and to convert that to anime is just. Wow the anti death pill that heals Stab Wounds, great job. It didn't even actually get swallowed by dazai, when Chuuya punched him! The pill CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH. It popped ! Outside of his mouth! So he didn't swallow it either!

What the fuck happened then? Chuuya simply slapped him right out of hell. Man climbed back up eeby deeby screaming. I swear to fucking god.

It seemed that the pill which exploded several feet from his mouth also healed his stab wound, considering that the knife fucking disappeared from Dazai's back, along with all the blood.

__________________________________________________

ON THE WORKINGS OF ABILITIES- another batshit theory

Ok, so, the whole workings of the fog regarding different abilities and stuff is also rather inconsistent.

It's stated Chuuya's ability works even in the fog because it's artificial, which makes fine sense if you've read stormbringer, yeah. But ok. If Chuuya doesn't need protection from the fog, then why when Dazai and Chuuya fall to the ground, Dazai is like "oh no you have to stay touching me because the fog isn't gone yet!!" DAZAI HE WAS FINE BEFORE YOU JUST WANT AN EXCUSE TO GO HOLD STILL GIRLIE *SHOVES YOU AGAINST MY CROTCH*

Also, why is atsushi's ability super fucking powerful? We still have not solved this. Still no one goddamn knows. He is an ability but he's also the antithesis of all abilities.... why did this have to be Atsushi, he's literally a fucking tiger? It actually makes no sense. If I was gonna choose someone to be the "antithesis of all abilities" it would be Dazai? I feel like that makes significantly more sense to be dazai here like seriously what's more "antithesis of all abilities" than an ACTUAL ABILITY THAT NULLIFIES ABILITIES? And it would have like. Actually made the movie make sense then. But no??

It's not only that that makes no sense, the whole premise of Shibusawa himself existing and the way the fog works is also, paradoxical in nature. It makes a little sense with stormbringer and the idea of these singularities, but. I'm sorry, if Dazai's ability doesn't work when he's dead, or like, apparently "really really close to dead but also Totally Fine after getting punched" according to 55 minutes logic (like. hi) then Shibusawa's ability can't work after his death either.

How shibusawa's ability works is that it separates someone from their ability, and when the original person dies, the ability becomes a crystal. Not like. A sentient ghost who forgets it died with a skull completely separate from his body. Like. Show me where that makes sense.

Fyodor's ability somehow makes even less sense. Ofc, we don't know a lot about his ability, and that's somewhat of the point. But like, without dead apple Existing, no one would question what Fyodor's ability was. Oh yeah, crime and punishment, he kills people that he judges guilty with a touch of his hand, ok. The specifics are a little hazy, maybe he controls the blood, maybe he controls the soul, maybe both. But you watch this goddamn fucking movie and somehow, his ability is its own singularity as well as Dazai's and Shibusawa's, and that is why they're all immune to the fog?

The question here then is... what is the singularity? What is the paradox of his ability, how are "crime" and "punishment" different yet something that would completely cancel each other out and make the fog not work?

Well. I have an idea. It is. Certainly not to be taken super seriously, but I think it would clear up a bit of what's going on in this shit show.

Personally, I think that Fyodor controls life- that he has the ability to resurrect people as well as kill them. Resurrecting is the "crime", killing is the "punishment". They go hand in hand, they cancel each other out, they tie into Fyodor's whole religious metaphor junk.

Ok, that makes sense right? Shibusawa issue solved, weird semantics with ability singularities and Shibusawa being like. The remnant of an ability just continuing to exist after death for no fucking particular reason solved. Dazai literally dying fr and then coming back to life with the most stupid reasoning ever solved.

Also, per my last essay, they're gay. So that's why he'd ressurect them over and over again.

Again, this is a very non-serious answer, however it does make a lot of sense somehow.

__________________________________________________

The Aftermath TM (or lack thereof)

One of the funniest things about this movie is how nonsensical the whole premise of its existence within the bsd canonical universe is. They shoved it in the middle of season 2 and 3, but it was released after season three, so things got weird.

First of all, since season three was written first, obviously Fyodor's real introduction comes in season three. This is all fine and dandy out of universe (except if you watch it in chronological order and then you're just like? They're introducing this russian dude in dead apple as if I know who he is already? When this is... clearly his first appearance in Yokohama.) But in universe, after the events of dead apple, these people would know who Fyodor was already.

So, Dazai never informed anyone of Fyodor's existence or involvement in dead apple. Ok. Of course he wouldn't. They want to keep their relationship private. Alright.

Even though it happens canonically and chronologically before season three, it's only ever mentioned in season 3 literally twice (introducing fyodor as "that guy from the shibusawa incident" and just. literally. Dazai eating an apple when he sees Fyodor in the alley. Which is so subtext-ey as to barely even count.) But other than that it seems to be an event that like... just... no one talks about. At all. We don't know the aftermath of this event and it makes no sense how thing could have gone back to normal after this.

So yeah, that means he didn't open up and explain what happened. No one seemed to question Dazai's motives at all.

Ango knew Dazai was working with Shibusawa and presumably got kind of fucked up by them, yet. We get nothing about that. He never denied working with them, and yet, he just goes back to the ADA and no one fucking wonders whY THE SHIT HE DID THAT? They're literally like oh wow. Well that happened. I don't know what Dazai did and he doesn't care to tell us. Anyway haha don't do it again and you're fine lol

Second of all... literally 90% of the city FUCKING POPPED OUT OF EXISTENCE FOR A DAY. That is not a thing that can go unnoticed.

Imagine you're fucking? Just a normal dude in Yokohama. And you just. Don't exist for a bit. Or maybe you were hanging out in the backrooms and thought it was a dream or something. But imagine you pop back where you were and a whole calendar day has passed. There's crashed cars everywhere, evidence of many battles and lots of destroyed buildings, half of downtown is destroyed, that Weird Ass Tower fell down, there are at least a hundred Fucking Dead Bodies killed by mysterious means just, fucking, hanging out in really ridiculous places... and almost nobody remembers what happened.

This wasn't just a few people who disappeared, this was EVERYBODY. Are they just gonna pop back in their cars? Or the spot where they had disappeared? And just go? This is fine where did all these corpses come from? Half the buildings have been leveled by Dragon Shaped Footprints ah godzilla moment lol

How did they cover this up? How could Ango And The Government possibly fucking manage to contain something this size? Yokohama would look like it had just been through the fucking owari no seraph catastrophe. And yet. Somehow this isnt a problem.

Even the ability users seemed not to really bring this up at all after. Yknow. Ok. They treat it like a fever dream and never mention it again because that's what it was.

I think something that sums this up perfectly is the part at the end where the fourth wall kinda breaks a little and the writers apologize for all of their motives and actions being a hot mess. Tsujimura is like "hey ango lol... What TM" and Ango just turns around like "yeah you wouldn't understand... dazai and fyodor and shibusawa are just... you can't understand them... they're a lot like joker from the movie joker."

essay complete go about your days and contemplate my word vomit 👍

#rowan screams into the void #rowan's hyperfixation essays #bungou stray dogs #I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS ENTIRE THING #but it is. somewhat bsd analysis

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thunderheadfred · 4 years ago

Text

🤚The Second Worst (Pt. 1/?)🤚

Part 2 of my Shigaraki Thesis Headcanons. HC's // The Second Worst: 1 - 2

The half-mad ghost of Shimura Tenko is in love with you, and your life is about to become a tragic wreck. -- AKA here's when I gave up on bullet points and went off the fuckin rails

I'm self-conscious about writing so much, so uhhhh, please be kind, hahaaa. This is rather long and involved. Are these still even HCs or just a self-indulgent AU outline? There are some mysteries we may never solve.

This is on AO3 now, if you prefer reading there. Anyway. Minors do not interact.

- - - - -

You met Tenko before the League existed.

Believe it or not, there are a million ways it might have happened, but in the end: you were both bargain-binning in Akihabara.

You reached for a copy of a collectible bullet-hell cute-'em-up (near-mint! CIB!!!) and accidentally bonked hands with a complete stranger. He flinched about five million feet away from you. Ouch. You're just a nobody, quirkless and average, but you didn't think you were THAT repulsive.

(You're not. Hell, even if you were, this guy couldn't care less. He barely registers that you have a face.)

(Shigaraki is accustomed to getting in and out of this shop in seconds. He always comes in before anyone else and goes straight home. -- Is that really home? Is 'home' a real place? -- ANYWAY he's already pirated this shit, god, why does he even care? He doesn't need to be here. Father doesn't like it. Is that why he's here? Just to do something Father doesn't like? That's pathetic.)

He's had at least ten complete internal arguments with himself before he so much as looks at you.

You know in the tenth of a second he actually meets your eyes... this fucker is going to fight you to the death over this game.

- - - The death match ends in a draw. He was not expecting you to know the first fucking thing about this game. Nobody knows about it, even in Japan. Who the fuck do you even think you are? Oh, no, he's still taking it. But... maybe he can show you how to play it it. He'll give you a little taste, just to make you jealous. He's got his hoodie pulled down like he's going to commit an act of terrorism. What little you can see of his face looks twitchy and messed up. If you have any survival instincts at all, they're kicking in right about now. But... why not. You're not going anywhere with this dude unsupervised, so you suggest a crowded web cafe down the street. The cafe has the necessary console... but the retro gaming booth is laughably small. The TV is about four inches across and you end up having to practically sit in his lap. You were sure this guy was a nasty fucking creep, but he's................ only mostly terrible. Way too angry, for sure. Has no idea how to have a normal, friendly conversation. Inadvertently insults you every other sentence and seems to have a deep-seated persecution complex.

You'd prefer to be mad about the awful company, but... he's obviously deprived of human contact. When it's established that you two share a lot of media fixations, he calms down and starts treating you a little more like a human being. Or at least like a fellow elite.

Wherever he came from, he doesn't seem to want to go back. He keeps pushing you to play one more level, pretending he wants to beat your score. You feel kinda bad for him. You get the distinct feeling that his life is a disaster. He looks like he's never had a full night of sleep in his life. He trips your trigger hairs in that 'is he gonna follow me home?' kind of way, but... up close, he's a lot more depressing than scary. At the very least, you want to buy him a stupidly cute dessert. Just... as thanks. For letting you try out the game and stuff. It's not a big deal, so just pick a flavor, okay? The world isn't actually that awful, y'know.

It's not even that impressive... Definitely not a great cafe. But he takes practically a full hour to eat a single slice of strawberry cake.

When the hoodie comes down. He's all shriveled and dried out, like someone left him him in the desert to die. He chews on his peeling bottom lip and nervously scratches his neck. He doesn't thank you for the cake. Which is fine. It's not a big deal. Actually, you wish he would eat faster; you feel weirdly responsible for him now.

Under all that mess he's... gorgeous? His hair is stunning: a bright, gleaming silver that catches the light. His bone structure is flawless. If it weren't for all the scars and the misanthropic slouch, he'd look like a fairy fucking prince.

You were not prepared for that. In another life he could have been a model, the type of guy who would never even look at you. But something bad happened to him. Something... very bad. Do you even want to know? You have no idea how to ask. Has anyone ever been nice to him? It doesn't seem like it. Should YOU be nice to him? You sort of want to try. - - - This becomes a regular thing. This weird little secret. You should probably tell someone when you see him, just in case you don't come back one day, but you say nothing; how the hell would you explain why you want to see him so bad? You don't know his full name. Maybe he's on a watch list. When he gives you a long string of random numbers so you can schedule meet-ups (is THAT his e-mail, really?) he tells you to just... call him Tenko. Or whatever. It doesn't matter. (He sneaks out when Father is deep in his plots. As long as he comes home on time, it doesn't really matter where he goes, right?) He brings a different game every time. He has an insane collection. Where does he get the money for all this? You know he doesn't work. God, is it drugs? It's probably drugs. Wherever these hidden gems came from, he proudly shows them off to you, like he's never had an audience before. It's sort of cringe-inducing, the way he one-ups and rubs every little victory in your face, desperate for attention.

But at the same time, you are becoming too... something...to mind. Do you... like him? He's not funny, but he thinks you are. His mouth is huge when he laughs. He seems to hate everyone but you, and you've had to earn the distinction of being merely tolerable. Still, he gets really excited about random shit like the garage kit black market and haunted dolls and the price of weed on the dark web.

And... strawberry cake. The realization hits you both at the same time when the waitress brings one piece with two forks. God, what the fuck, are you... are you dating? Quick, think. You look forward to seeing him, and don't even mind sitting close to him anymore. Sometimes you push your leg up against him just to see if he'll still flinch away... and he doesn't.

You jealously notice the way he touches everything but you: with delicate precision, one finger at a time. His large, elegant hands always have a pinky up like he's aspiring for a fiefdom, and you wonder what his skin feels like. You go home and dwell on the way he plucks flowering weeds out of the pavement in front of the cafe. The way he stands rooted to the spot as you leave, just... looking at nothing, unsmiling.

You watch his lips too much, and not just because you want to buy him chapstick. You catch him gaping at you all the time. You thought he was just creepy like that, but maybe... Yeah. I guess you are dating him. Shit. - - - Okay, so, yeah. Bringing him back to your place was definitely a bad idea. You know you shouldn't trust him, even if he is... apparently... your boyfriend? Sort of? You still don't have his phone number. So. Um. What now? You order overpriced pizza and queue up a campy horror movie. What the fuck are you even doing. You don't really think he's going to murder you anymore, but... still. Is the suburban massacre scene gonna give him ideas? Turns out, no. He doesn't like gore, even when the blood is neon pink. He gets upset. Like, really upset. Shaky and green, like he might puke on you. He can't stop scratching that scaly spot on his neck.

Tenko, are you crying? Fucking hell, did you just trigger him? Of course he has a traumatic past, it's carved all over his face. You're so fucking stupid. You don't know how to make it right. You want to hug him, kiss him... anything. But he's never really touched you, and you're too afraid to push now. It ruins the whole night. He leaves without explaining anything. Doesn't even say goodbye. He just. Leaves. Maybe you'll never see him again. Maybe that's for the best. Your chest hurts. - - - He shows up at your door a few weeks later. You haven't heard from him since that disastrous movie night. You had pretty much accepted that you'd broken up with a boyfriend you never actually had. But no. Apparently not.

This time, he’s brought his own entertainment. He's holding a boxed set of some show you're not familiar with. You're distracted by these weird little half-gloves he's wearing, like a cyberpunk hacker. That's a new look, and even if it's a bit edgelord adjacent, he makes it look cool. You tell him as much. It's the first time you've let on how attractive you find him. He's wearing a tight black shirt with a deep, deep V-neck. That's distracting too.

He clears his slender throat and doesn't look at you.

You try to apologize for before, but he's acting like it never happened. What are you even talking about? Have you seen this OVA or not? Get out of the way and let him in already. You've watched three episodes now, but you still have no idea what this stupid anime is about. You can't pay attention to a single frame. All you can think about is how his arm has crept up behind your shoulders. A few inches more and he'll be holding you. Does he... want to hold you? You lean toward him so slowly your spine creaks. One molecule at a time. After a thousand years, your head slides nervously under his chin. His arm comes down, locking you in, fingers clutching your sleeve in a death grip. Even that snobby little pinky. His head tucks down into you hair. A sharp collarbone bites into your cheek. His heartbeat is hard, fast, and irregular. There's not a scrap of fat on him, and as you wrap your arm around his stomach, you think you see a twitch in his pants. Is that just you being desperate? Or... hopeful? This is really happening. --- Soon, you learn that Tenko is a clumsy kisser. It doesn't matter; the fact that he's kissing you at all is good enough for now. His lips are dry, but not half as dry as you expected. There's a slick of menthol helping things along; he's been using something medicated on his lips. Plus, his mouth tastes like he drank a gallon of mouthwash.

All this thrills you more than a little, because it means he came here wanting to impress you. Wanting you. Full stop. Underneath that minty sting is a strange, worrisome aftertaste, like something rotten. Your brain fires off an alarm. Stop kissing him. Right now. This thing will make you sick. But his hands nervously slide over your body... and you decide not to worry about it. Instead, you kiss him deeper. He makes a sweet, startled little noise. Your brain is a fucking liar. It occurs to you he's probably never done this before.

When you lace your fingers in his and try to pull one of his gloves off, he rips his hand away.

Don't. That’s the only explanation he gives.

No need to ask if it's a quirk thing or a trauma thing. Judging by how jittery he gets, it's probably both. You remember the way his hands almost float over objects without ever holding them. Maybe his touch is dangerous. Maybe that's why his face looks like that.

Maybe you should learn more about him before things go way too far...

No. It can't be that bad. Now that he's in your arms, everything frightening about him evaporates. He's vulnerable. He's alone. He's shaking a little. Has anyone else ever seen this side of him? You want to keep him all to yourself, just like this.

So what if he has to touch you with gloves on? You've heard of worse quirk-related inconveniences.

It's okay, Tenko. Do you want to keep going?

You put his hands back on you and wait for him to kiss you again. It doesn't take long.

---

You open his pants. He's long and thin, calloused even here. Every part of him feels untouched, unloved. You hold him tight and squeeze.

It doesn't seem to occur to him to please you in return. He looks afraid. Confused. You're sure you scared him earlier with the glove thing. Is this too much? No. He gasps and leans into you. The tiniest, broken please.

He cums in your hand right away, face buried in your shoulder, his eyes wet and hidden.

I have to go, he says. Over and over and over.

It's okay, Tenko.

You know he doesn't want to.

- - - - - (oops I wrote more)

#Shigaraki #Shigaraki Tomura #Shimura Tenko #Shigaraki x reader #Shigaraki x you #Shigaraki x y/n #gender neutral reader #shigaraki headcanons #mha #bnha #fred writes

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rocksanddeadflowers · 11 months ago

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THEM!!!! THE THEMS!!!!!!! First- I think I put it before that maybe he can't be removed from the castle unless he wants to bc of a stupid narrative shield- but this feels more like he just. Can't leave? Like probably doesn't matter but I like the angst of Marius being stuck in the castle's grounds until the curse is broken and literally no one can figure that out why since Brian ran away pretty easily before. Aurora fully gets why but like, not an actual explanation it's all vibes and intuition with her on that. So everyone else is just confused. Marius doesn't mind much because he's enjoying his stay but he does miss Toy so insanely much it's just strange not having it nearby.

UAGH Marius reaching for Toy at night....... sobs...... Lyf comforting him after Marius did with Lyf like!!! Marius probably having poor sleep the nights that he's by himself that the lessened pep in his step is noticable and so is him seeming to feel better after the first night with Lyf after the wind key thing... Lyf putting the pieces together and staying with Marius at night!!! Just!!

Also Toy probably being fully awake the whole night but choosing to spend it laying with Marius...... Marius snuggling closer like a cat in his sleep or sleep talking or anything like that Toy is fully aware just. Its funny and also making me a little emotional you know. (<- they're super protective of each other btw. Them running away together did pose a lot of threats during travel, just the travel alone being generally unsafe. Toy feeling comforted knowing it can fend anything off while Marius sleeps too since it's full awake and aware... Also with the song "Gaston" and Gaston hitting LeFou like... that but it's actually someone messing with Toy and a drunk Marius going complete barbarian/Irish boy bar fight.)

Also think that Marius telling Toy to avenge him if he vanishes before going to Castle Aurora he was super drunk, and he was also super drunk when he first met and fell for Brian. It's not that he's an alcoholic, its actually just that the few times he drinks and actually gets drunk drunk, (so just more than the typical glass of wine or something idk they let like twelve year olds have that shit back then right?) that's when he makes important decisions. Somehow that's how he makes super important decisions, butt ass drunk. Gods only know how he's made it this far in life but I adore him.

Marius's word meaning more to Toy than anyone else!!! Yes exactly yes!!!!! I really think there was genuine emotions boiling over in Toy when the allotted time Marius said he might be gone had passed... Honestly Toy wondered why he didn't go with Marius (neither of them actually thought this plan through very well, it was just "I'll check around the castle and maybe some other places for a couple months, you stay here in case Brian returns somehow"). Toy kinda raging and being immediately calmed seeing Marius okay, only for Marius to open his big mouth and jumble his words in a way that is familiar and comforting, but the actual words concerning . Marius clearly isn't well, and he didn't order Toy to go back on the initial order, so Toy continues with hunting down the beast and keeping Marius safe.

Also after the curse broke, I think the whole main cast is in the castle (idk if they'd all stay there but also.... everyone who wasn't already living there moves in to me) and the thing is... once everyone is ready to crash for the night Tim, Bertie, and Lyf might be actually able to sleep for the first time since the curse. They also don't want to do that alone, they want to sleep near each other. Marius and Toy missed each other so much, Marius wants to sleep with Toy again. But also, whether or not Lyf and Marius have actually sorted through their feelings for each other, they don't wanna separate either (also bc they spent nights together a lot in the castle). So they all end up finding a giant ass bed somewhere or throw comfy stuff on the floor next to a slowly dying fireplace. (Maybe some of the others are there too, maybe they're doing their own things idk.)

Also!! I feel like Toy is naturally a very like, physical touch type (in general actually, like canon and au- at least to me!!), but it usually restrains itself since most people are unsettled by it touching them in any way unless they specifically ask for it. But Marius is super touchy feely, so he's always near Toy, random physical affection and usually wanting to be touching Toy somehow (they hold hands a lot there's zero shame from them there). Because of this Toy is very physically affectionate in return (it totally does those little hair tousle head rub things to Marius all the time since its so much taller than him). I just. Platonic physical intimacy/love language touch stuff like...... but platonic and.......... feeelings!!!!!!

Totally feel like I maybe possibly completey hijacked this post with autistic (and aroace a little) rambles....... whoops.......

wait wait wait wait wait in creations and consequences of love is toy soldier still a wooden puppet thing? or is it some random person who kinda just takes orders? maybe it has a curse of its own? i cant see a character like the toy soldier existing without magic of some sort. how did it wind up in some little tiny village? what is it doing there besides being marius's hype man? im thinking it used to be a normal person at one point and got cursed pretty young so it really just views it as normal, it made its way to a small town because big city would carry a lot of risk of someone taking advantage of it. marius probably stepped in on its behalf pretty early to make sure none of the villagers got any ideas and theyve been besties ever since

@rocksanddeadflowers @blazeismyname thoughts?

#the mechanisms #the consequence of creation and love

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the-crying-king · 2 years ago

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If I'm going on this journey, I might as well make it an adventure

A lot of times I get stuck in this endless tunnel of hopelessness and trying to put my energy into the same stupid things over and over to try and make it work. I keep thinking "this time it will be different" "this job will actually work out" "maybe I'll be happy after I start this job". Endlessly waiting for things to work out. I realized I've been trying the same thing over and over and over again. And that is most certainly INSANITY by definition.

(no wonder I feel like I'm going insane)

I've come back to my senses and grounded myself and realized I'm in charge of this shit. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Do what will bring me joy. Sure life sucks with the regular stuff like bills, stress, relationships or mental health struggles.

I see so many people that get older and they get caught up in doing the societal norms and working consistently at a job for many years just to keep saying "one day this will all pay off and I'll be able to enjoy life then". Unfortunately, so many of those people don't ever see those benefits, they die before actually living the life they wanted. They did what everyone told them what was best for them.

They lost their dreams..

I'm moving 1,000 miles away in about a month. I kept telling myself I wouldn't, I won't like it, I can make things work here. I boiled the town down to a big soul crushing place. I've come to realize; it doesn't matter where I am, I can find beauty anywhere, I can choose to see things in different lights, and things really are what you make it. previously I was convinced that this will be the end of me, this move to somewhere foreign to my mind and out of my comfort zone would make me miserable.

I didn't think about what new things I could lay my eyes on that I hadn't seen before, people that could share their stories with me, things I can learn, things I can create. Even the crappiest motel can have charm to it. I guess it really is all about perspective.

I've decided that I won't be trapped in this endless cycle of "one day" that society confines us to. I get too caught up in the future or in the past that I forget about right now.

If you've read this far, a little advice maybe? - Someone important once told me that every day is like you're on a train, going along your path. It's moving so quickly that you forget what it's like to move slow and easy. As your train rushes, occasionally there's a spark on the track. Sinc you're so focused on an unknown destination, you don't notice those tiny sparks of light. In every moment of everyday, even the bad ones, you have to stay present, take in your surroundings.

Here's an example: I'm late to everything. EVERYTHING. And in turn it honestly affects my mood and my day, I don't feel great about it. Therefore, I'm running on anxiety and irritability while rushing to wherever I need to be. Do I really have time to "slow down and live in the moment"?? HELL NO. However, one day I was running late for work and of course stuck in traffic, while sitting in a dead stop on the highway I was STILL just focused on getting there and the anxiety taking over. (Like that's going to get me there any faster??) I stopped myself from spiraling, and decided "well, if I'm going to be stuck here for a moment, I might as well make the most of it". I took in my surroundings and ended up seeing a dog in a couple cars ahead which made me smile. I looked up and noticed the sun was blocked by massive clouds and made the sky look like a painting. The trees around me were turning colors for fall which I hadn't even noticed! By being present in the moment I made my drive to work go from hell and a foreseen panic attack later at work, to actually enjoyable. To my surprise it actually changed my attitude for the entire day, I started noticing little things that I would have missed otherwise.

Even the worst of days have a tiny spark of light.

End note I guess- Be creative and do what humans are meant to do, LIVE and EXPERIENCE life, not just survive it. Slow down and savor the moment, moments you might miss otherwise. Do what will fulfill YOUR life and soul. Stop holding yourself back from your own happiness.

#Personal note #Told from a mentally ill person #be creative

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maxirueee · 4 years ago

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THE BIRTH OF A VILLAIN || Dark! Choi Han Au

I want to talk about a Dark! Choi Han AU where instead of walking down the path towards becoming a hero, he goes to another route and wishes to become the villain thus--

The Birth of a Villain

If living all alone in the forest of Darkness for how many years, without knowing the reason why you are there, would probably make anybody insane in the long run.

Choi Han's sanity was still intact and had prevailed for maybe about 20 years in seclusion without any hopes of meeting another human. But what happens when the only family photo he had left, which he used as a reminder for himself was gone?

Choi Han frantically looked for it everywhere, only to see it being ripped to pieces by a monster.

kill

He went through his days with little to no food, with no water, and would even cover himself in shit to hide his presence from all kinds of monsters that could kill him in an instant. The only thing that could remind him of his humanity now would be his repeating his name over and over and over again.

'Choi Han, Choi Han, Choi.. kill kill kill'

Darkness clouded his eyes. Despair enveloped his heart. He tried to resist. But why should he? Why should he when he didn't ask for any of this? Why should he when he didn't do anything wrong to deserve such misery? Neither he and his previous relatives, who probably had the same kind of life as he did, didn't deserve this.

What kind of stupid being would send a teenage boy to some foreign world where he had no knowledge about only to fend off by himself without knowing the reason why? Without his consent.

"If I find who was the bastard that brought me to this world, I'll fucking beat him up."

'kill kill kill Kill Kill Kill KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL'

Kill. That was the only word that he repeats in his mind every single day, without fail. He wants blood, he wants to be stronger to get more blood. He swears that we would destroy everything. This world was pointless to him as his family-- who he doesn't remember their faces anymore-- was not there with him. The people didn't do anything wrong to him? They are innocent?

Such bullshit.

The people also didn't do anything right to him. There weren't any humans in this forest, which led Choi Han to believe he was abandoned by the world. That he was hated. That they don't want to include him. So he waits while growing stronger day by day to slice and kill them all. This was the world's mistake. Bringing me. They shall face my wrath soon.

Choi Han wandered anywhere around the forest without caring if there were bigger or stronger monsters in front of him, for he was already a sword master during his 35th year, which was a couple of decades ago. He had already completed his darkness.

Pure Black Darkness, just like how his personality came to be.

He stumbles across a big swamp. Polluted with what seems to be dark mana of a very strong being, but it had already died. Because of his Aura, he would not get hurt by the dark mana. He also wanted to have some poison resistance by training through the swamp. As if luck was on his side, he stumbles upon an Ancient Power, which can dominate and can bring out fear towards his enemies. He doesn't need this power for he was already strong, but it had its uses.

Choi Han is smart. The reason why he is still alive is that he was using his head. And this very smart Choi Han would make use of anything that can give him the upper hand. Even if he would use sacrificial pawns for that matter.

A few months later, after having peacefully wandering throughout the Forest thanks to the Dominating Aura, he sees a giant boulder 3 meters larger than him. His instincts tell him to break it. But before he could land a punch, the boulder broke by itself. He then heard a voice.

"I smell a familiar scent. A dragon slayer?" Nelan Barrow? Why do wish to break my home, fellow relative of the one I saved."

Choi Han had a lot of questions but immediately answered, "My instincts told me to break it."

The boulder chuckled. "I see, but you would have regretted it if you were to break me, child."

Choi Han feeling suspicious of the talking rock replied, "Why?" with a cold tired voice. "I have sensed the coming of a treacherous being, I shall give you the treasure of my friends and me in exchange for killing the abomination." Choi Han doesn't understand what this rock was saying.

But his instincts were telling him to do it. His first interaction with somebody was a rock. If he holds treasures I might as well comply for now. If not, I can just break him. He told himself internally of his plan. He asked the boulder where he could find the man he shall kill.

"He is near the shore of the swamp filled with dragon's dead mana. Find and kill him."

"That was the plan you big pebble." Choi Han got annoyed at the thought of going back his way to abide by the stupid rock's weird request.

"This better be worth the trouble."

#tcf #tcf fanfic #trash of the count's family #lcf #dark!choi han #choi han #super rock

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imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl · 4 years ago

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Unexpected Places (Pt. 03 of 11)

Pairing: Ivar the Boneless X Reader/Bjorn X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: As a princess, you've lived in a golden cage all your life, always a piece on someone else's game. But everything changed when the Norsemen came crushing down on Wessex, like waves in a violent storm. Their king spared your life and decided to take you with him to his kingdom, in what felt more like a rescue than a kidnapping. There, you were not only confronted with a completely different culture and lifestyle, but also with two of his sons. The oldest one has his eyes set on you, but it's the youngest one, Ivar, who gets who claimed your attention since the first sight. And he seems to have an unnamed interest in you. Of course you hoped whatever that was would pass, but when unexpected feelings start to flow a different way, things begin to change.

<- Previous part (02)

Next part (04)->

{Vikings Masterlist}

Icy Blue Eyes

For the first time in your life, you're wearing pants. And you don't feel less of a woman because of it, as they used to say in Wessex. Your upperbody is protected by a leather vest, Aslaug's idea since she doesn't like the idea of you trying to learn how to fight. You feel a little badass though, dressed like this, with your hair all braided up, away from your face. Hvitserk is already waiting for you, laughing at something this guy said. When he sees you, he quickly dismisses him, making his way to the middle of the open area.

“You look good. Ready to have your ass kicked a couple of times?” He says, a bright smile on his lips. He's having too much fun, but you must cut that off before you get badly hurt.

“Hvitserk, you gotta go easy on me, alright?” Raising both your hands at him, you tilt your head at the small deck behind you, where Aslaug will be. “Aslaug told me to pass it on to you that if you hurt me today, she'll wipe the floor with your face.”

He squints his eyes at you, taking a quick look at the deck. “Did she really–”

“No.” You burst out, giggling. “But really, I'm not used to it and I'm nowhere as strong as the women here so...” A man comes and hands both you and Hvitserk a sword and a shield before moving away. “Don't beat me up.”

“First of all, I was joking.” He starts, suddenly taking your sword away and throwing it on the ground. “Let's begin with some basic defense. I'll attack you, and you'll have to block me with the shield. It'll help you understand the amount of strength you'll need and how to avoid being cut down to pieces, alright?”

“Alright.” Fixing the shield on your arm, you hold it with both hands, keeping it in front of your body.

“I'll attack you from different directions so pay attention.”

“Alright.” When he starts to pace around, you do the same. You're on full alert, your eyes on the arm he's holding the sword. It doesn't take much time until he moves, bring the metal down on you. Thankfully, you think fast enough to lift the shield to protect your head, and the impact isn't as strong as you were expecting, so you managed to stay your ground. Hvitserk is holding back, obviously, and you're grateful he's being gentle.

“Good. You're fast.” He exclaims, and you giggle when you pull the shield down, staring at him. “I'll strike harder on each blow, alright? So keep in mind the next one will be worse. Protect your head and sides.”

Nodding, you're soon attacked many times. And he wasn't joking about that. Every hit is harder than the last, and you have to alternate between your skull and torso since the blows come from different angles. It doesn't take much until you start being pushed backward, and for some reason it makes you laugh.

Never in your life, you thought you'd be doing something like this. In a place like this, with people like this. They aren't mindless monsters, they're just people. They laugh, and love, and care about others. And, God, they live. They yell, and run, and fight. They're not restricted by some stupid made up rules. For you, right now, this is what means to be a Viking. To be free to do what you want, go where you want, be with who you want.

This is paradise on Earth, it doesn't matter how weird things still look in your eyes. As Hvitserk hits again, making you stumble back, a laugh escapes your lips as you realize you won't ever go back. Not even if Aethelwulf sent an army to rescue you. You wouldn't even consider it.

“Everything alright over there?” Hvitserk asks, and, still laughing, you lower the shield so he can see your face. He looks very confused but smiles anyway.

“Yeah, it's just...” Gasping, you shrug your shoulders. “This is crazy, you know? This is freedom. I'm doing this because I want to and if I want to stop, I will. And nobody will come and say I should or shouldn't do it.” Running a hand through your hair, you push some loose strands away from your face. “I feel great. My arm already hurts, but I feel–” You're cut short by another blow, quickly raising the shield again to block it. And another laugh escapes. “Shit, that was tough.” Regaining your balance, you mutter.

“Your reflexes are very–”

“This is not how you do it, little brother.” Bjorn's voice cuts in, and both you and Hvitserk turn to look at him. “If you want to teach her, do it properly.” He quickly takes a sword, walking fast over you. “Focus on your legs. Stand your ground.” He's barely even done speaking when the sword comes crashing down.

The same moment you raise the shield, his sword connects with the wood. But it's way too strong, and you're caught by surprise. You feel the shield slipping and hitting your head as you stumble down, falling on your ass. Using one arm to sustain the seated position, you close your eyes tight when you feel like the whole world is spinning insanely fast, and you feel what can only be blood flowing out. Throwing the shield away, you feel arms around you, and a voice slowly breaking into your head.

“(Y/N), talk to me. Hey.” A snap makes you open your eyes again, finding Hvitserk crouching before you. “There you are. Can you stand up?”

“Yeah.” You notice some people gathering around, so, despite the headache and the dizziness, you push yourself up, holding onto his arm for support.

“(Y/N), I didn't mean to–”

“To crack my head open? Yeah, I bet.” Cutting him off, you give Bjorn a look, raising a hand at him when he tries to approach, making him stop.

“Let's get you some water.” Hvitserk guides you away from the crowd, to a half construction near the deck. Lucky for Bjorn Aslaug isn't here yet, or else you're sure she'd lash out at him.

“That was certainly a show.” The voice makes you roll your eyes, and it shoots a sharp pain through your skull. Ivar's giggle makes you even angrier, but you can deal with it later.

He's seated on a piece of wood right beside the table with some buckets filled with water. “Here.” Hvitserk gives you a cup and you take a few sips from it. “I'll get something to clean the blood. Are you alright standing on your own?”

“I'm fine.” Nodding, you watch as he quickly disappears behind a corner, putting the cup down, and closing your eyes when you feel dizzy again. Using the table as a support, you feel your body falling, unable to sustain its weight.

You're ready to collapse on the floor when you feel hands grabbing you, tightly holding your waist. It takes a while until you notice it's Ivar, and when you use his shoulders to support yourself, your face ends up too close to his, close enough to feel his breath. His eyes, ice blue, in a shade you didn't even know existed, burn right through you, and... It takes you by surprise how Ivar doesn't push you away, violently, as you were expecting. Instead, it feels like everything slows down, and you stay there, balance regained, but his hands still holding you.

“Everything alright?” Hvitserk's voice snaps you out of it, and you awkwardly step away from Ivar, moving towards the table.

“Yeah, I'm alright.” Nodding you watch as he damps the small piece of fabric on one of the buckets before starting to clean up the blood. But when he starts to get closer to the wound, you start moving away. “Ouch!”

“Stop flinching.” He tells you.

“Yeah, stop flinching,” Ivar repeats, and you feel his hand on the small of your back, forcing you to stand still.

Roling your eyes before closing them, you decide to ignore it for now. But what you just can't ignore is how his touch burns, making itself known, felt, it doesn't matter how hard you try to pretend he's not there. It takes way too much time until Hvitserk is done, putting the fabric down and giving a better look at the wound.

“Well, it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but–”

“What happened?” Aslaug comes out of nowhere, pushing Hvitserk away and cupping your face, angry eyes scanning through the injury.

“Bjorn showed up.” He answers as you use the table to balance yourself when you feel dizzy once more. “He hit her so hard that the shield went right to her head.”

“He will listen to me. Come. You need to lie down.”

You were going to just walk, but the moment you move away from the table you feel yourself falling again, so you grab Hvitserk's arm, and you don't even have to ask him, he puts an arm around your waist to help you get moving again.

It still takes you by surprise to know Aslaug actually likes you. She makes her slaves have this patch made with some herbs to help the healing process and forces you to stay in bed for a while. The headache makes it easy to just do as she says.

The bad part is that there's pretty much only one thing in your head, and it's not how pissed you are at Bjorn. It's Ivar. Maybe the hit on your head is driving you crazy after all, but you swear he was... Different. Not anger as he usually seems. It takes two days until the headache starts to surrender, and you decide to spend another one in the calmness of your bedroom with no company other than Aslaug, who's often talking about her husband and their issues, or Hvtiserk, who comes to check on you at least once a day. He started to teach you to play Hnefatafl, and you soon learned your way around the game, even beating him a couple of times. The only reason why Bjorn hasn't come is that the Queen forbade him, and you don't mind that at all. He's the last person you want to see right now.

But then, it's time to finally leave the bedroom, only the ghost of the pain hovers over. It's almost time for dinner, and you're already hungry. Walking through the place, you find Hvitserk and Ubbe chatting, and they both look up from their drinks when they see you.

“Look who decided to show up,” Ubbe exclaims. “Feeling better?”

“Very much. I really enjoy walking without feeling dizzy.” Moving to the table, one that hangs from the ceiling by four sets of chains, you take a cup and the jar, pouring some drink for yourself before passing it to the guys. “Actually, I kinda need to steal your brother for a while, Ubbe. I need to talk about something.” Carefully not to make anything fall, you push yourself up, seating on the table and feeling as it softly swings.

“It's alright. Gotta get some stuff done before supper anyways.” Ubbe sighs and gets up, taking long sips straight from the jar. Then, he gives the now empty thing to his brother and leaves.

“So.” You start, taking a deep breath. “Take a chair and sit here.” Moving further to the center of the table, you tap the space on the wood on your left. “The last thing I need is anyone else listening.”

Hvitserk makes a face at you, squinting his eyes before getting to his feet and grabbing a chair, placing it on the place you gestured. “Is it some plan to kill Bjorn?”

“What? No.” Shaking your head, you suddenly realize what you're about to say. And for a moment you reconsider. But if you don't get this out, it'll keep annoying you. And Hvitserk will probably say you're getting everything wrong, so you'll let it go. “It's not about Ragnar's oldest son... It's about the youngest.” Lowering your voice, you stare at him, taking in the low giggle as he looks down at his hands.

“I knew it.”

“No, you didn't. Now shut up and listen.” Moving to playfully punch his arm, the table swings. Hvitserk nods with a dramatic eye-roll, holding the piece of wood to make it stop. “I... May be going crazy, but when you left me with Ivar that day, I felt dizzy and almost fell.” Looking down at your cup, you drum your fingers on the top of it. “And, I don't know, it felt... Weird.” The memory comes back, and for a moment you can feel his hands again, around your waist.

“Define weird.”

“A good kind of weird.” You mutter, drinking what's left and putting it down beside you. “He looked at me, and damn it, Hvitserk, it didn't felt like he hated me or something.” Whispering, you lean closer to him. “I've been trying not to think about it, but I that's everything I think about. Am I crazy?”

Hvitserk seems thoughtful for a while, and when you're just about to ask him to say something, he looks up at you. “Ivar's normal behavior would be to let you fall. Then he'd laugh.”

“Well, I didn't fall and he didn't laugh. So.”

“I don't know.” He shrugs his shoulders. “He hasn't mentioned you to me yet, which is a surprise by itself. I was expecting him to give me a hard time since we're kinda like friends now.”

Good. Neither of you can understand Ivar. “Great. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.”

“Am I getting this wrong or do you like Ivar?” Hvitserk leans backward, crossing his arms and resting his back on the chair.

“No...?” It sounds like a question as you mirror his position, arms crossed. “I mean, he's... Handsome...” Blushing, you look away. “I noticed that I'm not blind. But it doesn't mean I like him.”

“Who is it you like?” The other voice makes you turn to the hall immediately, watching as Bjorn comes from the main hall, pushing the leather curtains away.

Taking a deep breath, you jump to the floor, holding the chains to make the table stop swinging and then fixing everything that you dropped. “What do you want? Try to crack my skull open again?” Hvitserk hands you two cups that fell on his lap.

“I hope you can forgive me.” Bjorn comes over you, standing only a foot away, a hand grabbing one of the chains sustaining the table. “I thought you wanted to learn and–”

“I wanted to know how to defend myself and I was having a good time until you showed up.” Eager to put some distance between you two, you walk around Hvitserk, who's looking down, pretending as if he's not here. “I don't enjoy being hurt.”

“But in a real situation, you'd–”

“It wasn't a real situation, alright?” Running a hand through your hair, you feel your head getting a little worse.

“I'll leave you two to talk,” Hvitserk mutters as he stands up, giving Bjorn a look before disappearing somewhere behind you.

“That was the first time in my life that I got to hold a shield. You can't possibly think I had the strength or ability to deal with a stroke like that.” With both hands on your hip, something gets your attention. Entering the main hall, you see Ivar, standing this time, walking with the aid of a clutch. You don't know why you're biting the inside on your cheek to suppress a smile. Why do you want to smile in the first place?

“It's just that you look like one of us now and I forget that you're a Christian princess.” Bjorn's voice makes you look at him again, but it takes a while for you to bring sense to his words.

There are a lot of things you could say. That it's not about being a princess, or that you're not trying to look like them. But you don't feel like extending this argument. “Alright, Bjorn. I forgive you. Just leave the training to Hvitserk.”

“That's fine by me.” He nods, a small smile on his lips. The truth is that Bjorn didn't do that on purpose, this is just their way, and you're the one who's not used to it yet. So you feel good forgiving him after all.

“Alright.”

“But now, who were you talking about with Hvitserk?”

“Oh, that was just–”

“You two,” Ragnar calls from the main hall. “Come eat.”

You want to hug him for interrupting this conversation, so you immediately follow him, settling down next to the fire. Today it's just Ragnar's family, and at first, you do feel like an intruder. But with time, as they include you in the conversations, you feel better. You even tell a little about yourself, about your life in Wessex. It doesn't take much for you to feel Ivar's eyes on you. You try hard not to look too much, but it's like a freaking battle. Those blue eyes have some kind of power, and it's difficult to resist.

“And so it'll be until the twilight of the gods,” Ubbe says and everyone laughs, but you don't, unable to remember what they were talking about.

“Ragnarok,” Bjorn exclaims.

“Until Ragnarok. That asshole won't be coming back here.” By the tone of his voice, it sounds like there was a fight. Aslaug told you about a man that came into town, stealing and destroying things. Ubbe must have taught him a lesson.

“Ragnarok.” You mutter to yourself, playing with your empty cup.

“As if you knew anything about it.” Ivar sounds a little pissed, and you honestly don't understand why. “Don't speak as if you do.”

Chuckling, you stretch your arm, hand hovering above the flames. “There will be three severe winters.” You start, and for some reason, probably given the nature of the subject, a silence falls on. “And summers of black sun.” Retrieving your hand when it gets too hot, you fix your eyes on Ivar. You already had enough of him teasing you, and it happens that you know exactly what Ragnarok is. “Those will certainly be terrible times, and Jörmungandr, the world serpent will come lurching from the ocean, bringing up the tides until they flood the entire world.” Smiling, you lean forward, elbows on the table. Slowly, Ivar does the same, those powerful eyes not leaving yours. It feels like there's nobody else here, just you and him. “Fenrir will break loose of his invisible chains and the sky will open, so Surt, the fire giant can come, blazing through the bridge to face and crush the gods. Odin will come to battle one last time against the wolf Fenrir, and Thor will fight the serpent. He will kill it but die from its venom. And at last... The giant wolf Fenrir will swallow the sun, and the world will be forever in darkness.” Your lips break into a smile, and, at the same time, Ivar's lips do the same. He looks at you the same way he did a few days ago, only more intense. It's like he sees you now. “This is Ragnarok.” You add, voice barely a whisper.

“Perfect,” Ivar mutters, and everyone finally starts moving again.

“How did you learn all that?” Aslaug asks as Ragnar fills her cup once again.

“I was allowed to learn about your culture. Language, traditions.” Shrugging your shoulders, you feel when Hvitserk kicks your leg under the table, so you glance at him. Discreetly, he tilts his head towards Ivar, and you can't help but look straight at him. He's staring.

“That's interesting. But it feels like you're not really paying much attention to what we're saying, are you, Princess (Y/N)?” Aslaug holds back a smile, and by the look on her face, she knows exactly what's going on. And that's good, perhaps she can explain it to you later.

“Uhm...” Your eyes fall on one of the jars, which you know it's empty. “I'll get some more.” Moving quickly, before Aslaug can send one of her slaves, you grab the jar and walks to the kitchen. The girls there help you out, refilling the jar. But it happens way too fast, so you decide to go outside for a while, breathing in the cold night air.

Raising your head to look at the night sky, you take a deep breath, closing your eyes. But when you do, it's Ivar you see, his ice blue eyes shining against the darkness. Something is going on with you, and you wish you could understand. If you were as sure as you were before that Ivar absolutely hates you, I'd be easier. But now... You don't know anymore.

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