#don't know what book to read next but i had a productive day... i dont wanna move back into my uni acom :(

[ynwa-chiesa]

Didnt open tumblr for like the entire day and i feel sick to my stomach

[dxpressed-stxrs]

hi everyone. i dont usually post daily little entries like this here but i feel like i have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to so tumblr it is ig.

I feel like I ate so much yesterday and the guilt is so horrifying. It's like it takes root deep in every last atom of your body and multiplies and grows. I've barely eaten for like a week and it actually worked I lost so much weight. I tried losing it 'healthily' before but nothing worked and it made me so anxious and I guess my old habits came back. so yay I'm guessing I'm relapsing. I know I've only eaten like just over 1000kcal but it was all unhealthy food and now I'm scared all the weight I lost is going to come back. And I want more than anything to self harm but I can't because it's wrong and it's taking every last ounce of my willpower to not. I already have enough scars. I want to punish myself but sometimes it also feels like it's the only time I can breathe, a moment of calm in the mess of whoever I've become. It started three years ago, and I don't think I ever really healed. I was just distracted because of exams. And now that they're gone there's nothing to stop me. And it sucks literal ass because I was so skinny and pretty before I gained all the weight back. And I hate it so much I just want things to go back to the way they were. Sometimes I look at all the fat on me and I just want a pair of scissors or a knife and i want to cut it all off. I'm scared that one day I'll give in and do it.

I have nobody to really talk to so I keep everything bottled up. I can't even remember the last time I had an honest conversation with someone about how I feel. My two close friends are the sweetest girls ever and I love them more than anything but they're not the kind of people I can talk to about all of this and ig I'd never feel comfortable with it. They don't know much about stuff like that anyway.

My acclaimed best friend is someone I met online. Yeah we've called and stuff but I've never met her irl. Before, I could talk to her and she was there for me and I, for her. But now? Now every time I even vaguely suggest I'm not okay my message gets ignored. When I message her anything in general, it gets ignored unless it's about her. And I know she's going through her own shit too and its way worse than mine but isn't a friendship supposed to be two ways? I feel like her friend. But I don't feel like she's my friend. Her boyfriend passed away two years ago now, and she suppressed all her grief for a few months and when they did finally emerge they came back strong and relentless. She wishes every night she could die so she joins him and they can be together. All she thinks about is him and he made her feel so happy and he was always there for her. I miss him too except that's silly because I'd never ever spoken a word to him and I didn't know what he looked like or what his voice sounded like. But I miss him because of the way he made my best friend happy. I wish he could come back too.

And I feel so anxious all the time. Everyone I know describes me as the bubbly nice girl who's smart and funny. But I dont see what they see. And I finished school about a month ago and now I'm going to college to do my a levels where I'll have to make new friends in a new environment. And I'm honestly terrified. Everyone keeps saying I'll make friends easily but what if I don't? I don't see anything likeable in myself. The number one thing playing in my mind on loop is how they'll all see me as a fat blob and a disgusting weirdo. I'm terrified they'll see me how I see myself. Or that I'll end up with friendship drama and it'll be like secondary school all over again.

Results day is in exactly one month. 30 days. And I have done absolutely nothing productive with my summer holidays apart from relapse and read books and watch shows. I don't even want to think about results day right now. I'm going on holiday for just one night and two days next week with my family. And I'm also so anxious and excited. I just feel so fat though so I'm keeping my expectations so low because that's all anyone will probably ever see me for. Just once I'd like someone to look at me and think wow she's pretty.

I have to be ready and up by 11am to go shopping with my mom. It's currently 4am. I came home from scouts last night and just walked into bed, cried in my pillow and then fell asleep until like 1am. And then I woke up and ate pancakes like the fat shit I am and watched a k drama (it lifted my mood okay). With scouts as well.... I'm not planning on coming back. It's been 3 years since I joined and I never really settled in ig. I have so much regrets about it, how I would have had more friends and more fun if only my mom had let me go on camping trips and had sleepovers with the rest of them. When you think of scouts you think of wilderness and camping right? So it kinda defeated the purpose when my mom was all overprotective and only let me attend weekly sessions instead of letting me go to camp. I always felt like an outcast and I'm worried I'll feel like that for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself if it's meant to be it will be and that it's in the past so there's no point in overthinking it. But I don't know. My hands shake when I think about it.

I feel my chest constricting again and there's a hollow pain in my heart. I don't know why I'm sitting here on my bed in the dark typing this on my phone with tears streaming down my face.

I'm scared. About everything.

Especially my grades even though I've done everything and more to suppress how I feel about getting them. I tried so hard for hours and hours and worked and worked. And what if I don't get the grades i want. Or missed it by a narrow mark. Whatever - I don't even want to think about it.

I wanted and still want a perfect set of results. The highest in the country. An impossible feat, I know, but maybe then I'd have achieved perfection and finally feel enough. Like something I tried actually worked out. And I'd be oh so grateful. I'd kill for it.

Anyway, this was a whole essay and a half. My eyes are closing all over again and I'm so dizzy - I always seem to be nowadays. I find comfort and solace in knowing that nobody will ever see this but there's a tiny flicker of a chance that someone will. Maybe this'll be the annoying too-long essay that pops into a feed that you find yourself skimming past. Or perhaps someone was curious enough to search diary entries on a bored afternoon and is reading this. Whatever the case, this felt therapeutic. It was nice to get my feelings out there.

- musings of a dying star

[mojavepumpkin]

2/7/24

the end of all wanting is all i've been wanting.

sometimes i get worried and i dont even have a reason. sometimes i feel like i just cant get a full breath. today has been weird.

i haven't done much of anything, which is generally how i like it. it was nice out today, so i went outside for some of it. my nephew was home, hes an interesting feller, doesnt talk much on account of being 6 months old. i think maybe i can teach him how to be a conversationalist as good as myself with enough practice. right now he likes to sit in the driveway and watch me play basketball, though i dont know if he understands the object of the game. or even what a game is, or an object for that matter.

sometimes i feel like im running out of time. i don't know what it is im running out of time to do, but a clock somewhere is ticking, and i am very aware. maybe its how long i have to figure this whole thing out. its unfair that i have to.

didn't do much today, all day. my hair was bad when i woke up, haircut tomorrow. dinner was good tonight. i had ramen for lunch. i think i'll read after this - i was trying to watch the hawks but bally crapped out on me.

i think im going to try keeping my phone not in the same room as me for little periods of time where i need to be productive. i guess i dont NEED to be productive, but when i would rather not be on my phone.

im having trouble with thinking of things to write, i need to take a shower, so that's what i'll do next. or i suppose i should do biology homework, or art, or write my script for public speaking. i dont want to do any of those things, i just want to lay here and read or write. anything is more alluring than school at the moment. i cant believe its only wednesday.

i have learned recently that my torso is disproportionately short, so thats nice. as soon as i heard that i knew it was going to be something i remembered, just for the sheer ludicrousness.

i havent watched a movie in a while. i've started Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde, i like it so far - interesting. I intend to finish it, which is more than i can say about any other book in a while. its a library book, so i'll have to return it at some point, i dont like the idea of that, impermanence; theres a metaphor in that somewhere.

i dont think theres anything else notable in my life going on, havent talked to or seen H in a while (a month) and trying to reconcile with that with valentines day coming up - need to buy something, will tonight.

my next few weekends are all booked up, which sucks, i like the ambiguity of having nothing planned.

thats all i can think of to say

[oookaline]

And The Saga Continues

By saga I mean me supervising this 'fake RbbSbb' account on twitter because I want to.

also Im going to separate the posts by day, if anything else happens I'll retweet and add it on this one. Tommorow its a separate post.

If you're intrested to see the first bit (two separate days in a post, one in which I found and then kept retweeting what happened after weeks (?) of not checking on it) (! I do reccomend reading the previous one)

so if you're intrested look up the tag #Fake-RbbSbb in my account.

-

Sooooo as expected our buddy changed his bio to 11, which supports my speculation that it was (obviously) a countdown to Louis' show.

nothing new on the following/pfp/header etc...

They did tweet some things, but I'll touch on that later, first off the likes: It seems they are continuously trying to raise attention towards Rbb (and Rbb only???) being back in two weeks by sending anonymous statements in peoples CCs.

Also they liked this HIV support tweet- and I found that sweet so im also adding it in, because aweareness is key.

aswell as replying back with their usual variation of two emojis:

No sign of Android anywhere, just WebApp™.

Now onto the tweets:

Just like with the 12 they posted yesterday, today they posted an 11. And I got curious to know where abouts they were setting the time to:

If whatever I triod to do here is too complicated (even I dont understand it lmao) basically:

In LA posting time would've been 23:29

In London posting time would've been: 07:29

so if they wanted to (and im speculating this because I did not check) update it on midnight lets say (or close to), then logically the tweet would've come from LA.

Now this thing which then tells us there will be a pattern of when they'll update the countdown

The thing I found weird right, is that they're doing a countdown (supposedly) to Louis' show. So why update on LA time?

Next thing they posted was this:

'Well Meet at the end of the Road' at a first glance you'd guess they're talking about the countdown.

But oh to know who Rudolph Valentino was...

I'll put some intresting quotes I found of him here, you can skip all of this if you want, I'll do a short resume at the end of the indented.

"He was a sex symbol of the 1920s, who was known in Hollywood as the Latin Lover (a title invented for him by Hollywood moguls), The Great Lover, or simply Valentino.[1] His premature death at the age of 31 caused mass hysteria among his fans and further propelled his status as a cultural film icon."

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse was released in 1921 and became a commercial and critical success" + "For his follow-up film, they forced him into a bit part in a B-film called Uncharted Seas.(1921)" + "Rambova, Mathis, Ivano, and Valentino began work on the Alla Nazimova film Camille.(1921)" + "Valentino's final film for Metro was the Mathis-penned 'The Conquering Power.(1921) "

thats 4 movies in a year!! Talk about overworked- (depending on how long they were)

"After quitting Metro, Valentino took up with Famous Players-Lasky, forerunner of the present-day Paramount Pictures, a studio known for films that were more commercially focused."

"Jesse L. Lasky intended to capitalize on the star power of Valentino, and cast him in a role that solidified his reputation as the "Latin lover"

"In The Sheik (1921), Valentino played the starring role of Sheik Ahmed Ben Hassan. The film was a major success and defined not only his career but his image and legacy."

"Famous Players produced four more feature-length films over the next 15 months" + "His leading role in Moran of the Lady Letty(1922) was of a typical Douglas Fairbanks nature" + "Valentino starred alongside Gloria Swanson in Beyond the Rocks(1922)" + "Valentino began work on another Mathis-penned film, Blood and Sand(1922)" + "During his forced break from Rambova, the pair began working separately on the Mathis-penned The Young Rajah(1922)"

15 months 4 movies. and again I will stress the 'capitalize the star power' over there.

Seems too familiar tbh.

"Missing Rambova, Valentino returned to New York after the release of The Young Rajah. They were spotted and followed by reporters constantly."

*cough* *cough* "spotted"

"During this time, Valentino began to contemplate not returning to Famous Players, although Jesse Lasky already had his next picture, The Spanish Cavalier, in preparation. After speaking with Rambova and his lawyer Arthur Butler Graham, Valentino declared a 'one-man strike' against Famous Players.[31]"

About the lawsuit:

"He was also upset over the broken promise of filming Blood and Sand in Spain, and the failure to shoot the next proposed film in either Spain or at least New York. Valentino had hoped while filming in Europe he could see his family, whom he had not seen in 10 years.[27]"

"In September 1922, he refused to accept paychecks from Famous Players until the dispute was solved, although he owed them money" + "Famous Players, in turn, filed suit against him.[33]"

"Valentino did not back down,[33] and Famous Players realized how much they stood to lose." + "the studio tried to settle by upping his salary" + "Variety erroneously announced the salary increase as a "new contract" before news of the lawsuit was released, and Valentino angrily rejected the offer.[31]"

"Valentino went on to claim that artistic control was more of an issue than the money." + "Famous Players made their own public statements deeming him more trouble than he was worth (the divorce, bigamy trials, debts) and that he was temperamental, almost diva-like. They claimed to have done all they could and that they had made him a real star.[33]

"Other studios began courting him." + "However, Famous Players exercised its option to extend his contract, preventing him from accepting any employment other than with the studio." + "Valentino filed an appeal, a portion of which was granted. Although he was still not allowed to work as an actor, he could accept other types of employment.[33]"

Return To The Movies

"Valentino returned to the United States in reply to an offer from Ritz-Carlton Pictures (working through Famous Players)" + "Rambova negotiated a two-picture deal with Famous Players and four pictures for Ritz-Carlton.[37] He accepted, turning down an offer to film an Italian production of Quo Vadis in Italy"

PERSONAL LIFE!!!!

"Valentino once told gossip columnist Louella Parsons that: "The women I love don't love me. The others don't matter". He claims that despite his success as a sex symbol that in his personal love life he never achieved happiness.[62]"

"Valentino impulsively married actress Jean Acker, who was involved with actresses Grace Darmond and Alla Nazimova. Acker became involved with Valentino in part to remove herself from the lesbian love triangle, quickly regretted the marriage, and locked Valentino out of their room on their wedding night."

"From the time he died in 1926 until the 1960s, Valentino's sexuality was not generally questioned in print.[67][68] At least four books, including the notoriously libelous Hollywood Babylon, suggested that he may have been gay despite his marriage to Rambova.[69][70][71][72][73] For some, the marriages to Acker and Rambova, as well as the relationship with Pola Negri, add to the suspicion that Valentino was gay and that these were "lavender marriages."

"Such books gave rise to claims that Valentino had a relationship with Ramón Novarro, despite Novarro stating they barely knew each other." + "These books also gave rise to claims that he may have had relationships with both roommates Paul Ivano and Douglas Gerrad, as well as Norman Kerry, and openly gay French theatre director and poet Jacques Hébertot." + "However, Ivano maintained that it was untrue and both he and Valentino were heterosexual.[24] Biographers Emily Leider and Allan Ellenberger generally agree that he was most likely straight"

like every historian would say: "they were just good friends"

"further supposed evidence that Valentino was gay; documents in the estate of the late author Samuel Steward indicated that Valentino and Steward were sexual partners.[77] However, evidence found in Steward's claim was subsequently found to be false, as Valentino was in New York on the date Steward claimed a sexual encounter occurred in Ohio."

- Via Wikipedia

These are the few quotes from his wekipedia page in which I literally gaped at...

So in short:

Sex Symbol who was an Actor

Got his image enhanced and exploited by his manager.

Constanly Overworked

Relationships used for PR (?)

Thought about leaving his management which led to a 'one man strike' and a lawsuit.

The lawsuit started off because of finantial reasons, but it was revealed it was more because of fucking creative freedom.

Management tried to reason with him, he didn't back down. And they continued to do so before an article of the 'lawsuit' was made public, he didn't accept any.

Management tried to paint Valentino as 'ungrateful' and that they were the reason he was a star.

When other people tried to get Valentino to work with/for them, his management stopped him by "threatening to extend the contract" (?) which prevented him from acting.

His sexuality was never really questioned due to the many relationships with woman he had (one which literally was a lesbian)

Lavender Marriages / PR marriages

After his death, speculation that he dated many men came up.

One even said they did the dEEd, but its impossible because they were both in separate countries duh, right? RIGhT????

The way we can literally compare this with Harry's situation (and maybe Louis' aswell!!!) is literally hurting my mind.

Also adding that @eyupdaisy is helping me a lot, kuddos to her aswell. She found this:

If you search the actual name of the post 'We will meet at the end of the trail' on google, this picture comes up

Which the HT account made a very lovely and subtle connection to it a few days ago

Guess well have to start lowkey monitoring them too? Or maybe just what they interact with the Mr.R acc...

wait- max images reached ;-;

[justasouthernlady]

50 questions tag

Yah this will take a while but I love it and @katdefbeom who tagged me for this mess. 💚

1. What takes up too much of your time?

(Honesty hour?) Worrying, reading

2. What makes your day better?

Coffee / working out / sunshine

3.whats the best thing that happened to you today?

I got to see one of my sweet pals and chat with her over desserts

4.what fictional place would you like to go to?

I'm going to agree with @katdefbeom howls moving castle universe or Hogwarts for me.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I dunno? I guess? You tell me! People say I am.. so yes?

6.do you have any mental illnesses?

Yup! Social anxiety and general anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope!

8. What musician inspired you the most?

To do what? Overall? Ahhh dolly Parton cos she gives no fucks and JB from got7 cos like damn boy can write a song.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yes, all the time hahaha

10.whats your dream date?

Book shopping and then reading the newly bought books in a cafe, possibly holding hands while reading or just our legs / feet are touching.

11. What do others notice about you?

I have no idea. I'm nice and have good teeth? I don't feel v noticable lol.

12. What's an annoying habit you have?

I pick at my fingers when I'm nervous or anxious, and I bounce my right leg a lot.

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Lol no. He was emotionally manipulative and a huge flaccid penis so no.

14. How many ex's do you have?

4.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Which one? My biggest playlist has like 500 songs in it, my shortest one has 10. But over all I'm sure it's like 7,000 songs.

16. What instruments can you play?

Flute, piano (kinda piano)

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

I have pictures of paintings and statues from museums lol. But ahhh probs chanyeol.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Japan. China. South Korea. Singapore (in that order I think)

19. What's your zodiac?

LIBRA

20.do you relate to it?

Yaaaaas. A fancy bitch who loves love and tries to balance shit out. ME AF.

21. What is happiness to you?

Good Coffee, someone I love, friends, family, a good perfume.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

When aren't I going through something???

23. What's the worst decision you ever made.

Deciding to be a clingy bitch. Also getting into a serious relationship when I didn't know who the fuck I was (I was 18 like WOW girl no!)

24. What's your favourite store?

Urban outfitters and muji. Your girl is in both all the time.

25. (HALFWAY!) what's your opinion on abortion.

A woman has the right to choose, that's a decision her and her doctor need to make on whether it's right for her. My stance is "no uterus no opinion"

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

No that shit would make me anxious lol

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Not that I can think of

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Cake and books

29. What are most peoples first impression of you?

I DUNNOOOO I dont ask cos I dont want to know. But probably quiet, nice, labrador face? Too many feelings?

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Most people think I'm like anywhere from 19-22. I look like a baby uuugghhhh. But I'm def the responsible friend and will take care of you lol.

31. Where do you keep your phone when you're sleeping?

Next to me?

32. What word do you say the most?

Probs "FUUUUCK" Or "V"

33. What's the oldest age you'd date?

32.

34. What's the youngest age you'd date?

21? Probs not though really, boys be dumb.

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you?

Kindergarten teacher or an art historian.

36. What's your favourite music genre?

Kpop as of rn

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?

Ahhh Canada? Close enough to home but with universal healthcare

38. What is your current favourite song?

Too many to think of just one ahhh PASS.

39. How long have you had this blog for?

9 years.

40. What are you excited for?

Ateez concert

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I do both very well 😂

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Mail boxes

43. What do you want for Christmas?

Someone special hahaha

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

History

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

Ahhhhhhh solid 4.5 outta ten

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

God I have no idea. I'll probs have kids? And a cute dog and like a proper job? Who knows

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

17.

48. At what age do you wanna be married?

PRESSURE. No idea. Before I'm 40 sounds good.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Ballerina, Veterinarian.

50. What do you crave right now?

Cant tell you, it's a secret secret.

I'll tag: @gyomies @sundropsoo @into-the-kpop-void @jongin-be-my-jagi and anyone else who feels like it 💕💕💕