#don't have to hate Everyone Ever Forever By Default nor myself over it. a chill relief like going ''oh i'm not cis'' ''oh i'm not allistic' | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

unproduciblesmackdown · 1 month ago

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speaking of, was remembering like i think i heard parts of defying gravity in the wild ever but i know popular & uhh. loathing from someone's showtunes playlist & then it's like oh yeah i know Of that one finale duet b/c i knew you i have been changed for good b/c they & a third party who were besties would be like okay if either of us die the other one will sing just one of those parts at their funeral & i'm like when you guys have hourlong conversations in here with me 7 ft away not included i sometimes have a contribution & say it during a long organic pause & nobody responds b/c you filtered me out....in parallel / affinity with being queer (& also not knowing that at the time, half a lifetime so far ago) where it's like okay i don't even want to get in on what you've got going on right now or be involved with that ever but it makes it quite Apparent i'm on a different & lower tier here

#as a bonus not like me & either party wouldn't be considered ''friends'' as well there i guess lol. nor did we ever not have Interactions #nor was there never any attention or effort for me; from me; positive interactions; etc etc etc etc....just like. lol #and the joys of [quoting a fellow autiste] like social situations only ever getting to feel like a nonstop test you're trying not to fail #& Passing enough to get to like be in the room / at the table literally sure not enough / not = being as much a part of it as everyone #noticed i was In A Different Lower Tier / failing whatever tests as Late as: four years old preK. decade later in college: the same #even the Online realms of [we have the same interest] like ran into the same situations even going ''well surely This time'' lol #like at this point i don't find The Power Of Friendship or anything an exceptional Useful or Valuable concept either & like #don't have to hate Everyone Ever Forever By Default nor myself over it. a chill relief like going ''oh i'm not cis'' ''oh i'm not allistic'#did just go like fine i'll do it myself [hones self-esteem] & the people pleasing survival strat comes up constantly so hard to ditch that #but i would always want to do it less & obv do not think i or anyone should Have To. it's for when you don't have the power to trample #(don't disparage it either like umm women Men are doing it Right you should be as Confident as them. upspeak means you deserve it)#but like obviously Not being in power Over others is not bad; yet having to deal with others' power over you Is; in fact; shit....#anyways & then ppl can also go [uh people pleasing is evil. uh being anxious is evil. being affected by trauma is evil]#also Not people pleasing is evil. being Unanxious is evil. being Unaffected is evil. you can just argue whatever against [othered] parties #anything can be pitched as Selfish which is evil. i noticed you aren't literally christ on the cross forever?#anyway like yeah no power of love or any of its subsections; thanks. not the power of romance; dating; partnering; friendship; family....#also the Funeral Planning parties had a falling out a few yrs later; unsurprisingly after [that] & us all being random teens #then i think they reconciled a few yrs after That & that's the last i knew of it. meanwhile me ducking & dodging A Friend Wants To Get In #Touch like ah no that's okay Are You Sure; She'd Really Like To like yeah i bet (this person was abusive. despite the magic of friendship)#don't mind either like as usual the Part Of The Group joking nickname was an insult after you decided my hangout behavior Failed the test #doesn't end up feeling any different like the path from ''well. you're supposed to assume you'll have; & assume you want; Eventual Romance #when like also that's supposed to be everything good & its epitome so uh. no room given to argue otherwise'' to like #oh right yeah i don't want that & never really did. turning that idea on like Friend Groups or Magic Of Friendship like eh. same basically #like in the same vein was like ah that's just something that happens to you when you get older; you gain friends & [default] status #i just have to assume when i'm in high school that'll manifest....have to assume as an adult i'm Married & Career?#meanwhile like understanding & verbalizing like ah yes probably my lifelong search & recognition of & affinity for: [Something Else]

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