#don't get me started on a version the Jacobs family would sing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

galivantingg · 5 years ago

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sinking

the beginning

People want to believe they are what they choose to remember. The good stuff. -It Chapter Two

Jacob thinks about that quote a lot. What does he remember about himself? His mind flashes back to the days of arguments, bullying and proving to be the biggest brat ever. Of name calling, rude quips and stoney faces. Too long arguments about things that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. If all he remembers is the bad stuff, does that make him a bad person? Yes, it does. Jacob is a bad person. He's mean, belittling, and takes everyone for granted. He thinks about himself first, doesn't ask how the other is doing in return, at least not automatically. He has to try to be nice. He has to force it. Jacob is a bad person because he is a thoughtless person. He just doesn't think, before he acts, or speaks. He literally is, head empty, no thoughts.

He can be nice, people have told him that, but he doesn't think he is nice. He has his moments, It's usually when he's giving someone something, or doing something for them, but there's no ulterior motive; except for validation. That's all Jacob wants. Validation. He wants to be noticed, to be needed. And when he does something for someone, he becomes needed. Which grants him what he wants, which makes him a bad person. Nice people don't do things for others for expect something in return. It is a fact, Jacob is a bad person.

Now that that's out of the way, let's begin.

Jacob was lying there on his bed, watching the sun rise through his window. He wanted to know the time, but didn’t have the energy to turn his head to the side and check the clock. The sun was a little over halfway over the houses, the sky a brilliant blue already, and the birds were just as annoying as ever. It was pretty at first, but after the first twenty minutes of tuneless chirping it became tiresome. He doesn't remember the last time he slept properly. Either he'd come home, sleep until dinner, push his food around, then go back to sleep, waking up some time around four or five in the morning, and spend the next two hours staring out his window or at his ceiling, or he'd come home and not sleep at all. There was no in between, no compromise. He'd either get roughly eleven hours of sleep in one day, or none. On nights he didn't sleep he would do homework for ten hours straight. He'd work through essay after essay, checking the syllabus for each class and starting a new one when he finished. Never mind if it hadn't been assigned yet, Jacob would do it. He'd do anything to avoid sitting and staring at his wall for ten hours. He thinks he has insomnia, but it could just be a symptom of the depression.

He only allowed a certain time slot for his thoughts to run wild. If he didn't keep to his routine, he'd go insane.

His family didn't see him often, not for a while. His parents didn't approve of him locking himself in his room all the time, but they got his report cards, ninety-five percent average, and he joined them for meals, so they didn't fight it. In fact, they just carried on with things. They would make jokes, "oh look, he's alive!", "well well well there's a surprise for you," and a couple "woah! Sorry, not used to seeing you". The jokes didn't make him want to spend time with them. Of course, if he told them that, they'd say that it's only a joke, he shouldn't be so sensitive. He would say he's not being sensitive, it makes him feel judged. They would tell him that he needs to stop taking everything so seriously, it was just a joke. He’s not laughing.

They don't understand. Sure maybe it's not their fault, maybe Jacob could've explained things better when he was formally diagnosed two years ago, or even when he first started feeling this way six years ago, but he knows it wouldn't matter. They can be sympathetic, but they'll never really understand. They'll never be empathetic, and Jacob knows this for sure. He knows this because when he told his mother he was depressed maybe four years ago, she brushed it off. She said, "Oh Jacob, I know it seems like that now, but just wait. You'll feel better soon," completely ignoring the fact that Jacob had said he'd felt like this for two years at that point. Things just went downhill from there.

Jacob has a lot of feelings about the past four years. Mostly nothing, but sometimes he'll be overcome with anger, then annoyance, and then that blissful emptiness. That wonderful nothing.

Months went by, and nothing changed. Not even his mom's attitude towards him. Jacob remembers when one of his friends found out by accident. He was keeping a secret, but said something he shouldn't have, which led to that friend finding something Jacob wanted to keep secret. He was nicer to Jacob for a while after that, it took Jacob a while to notice. Every time someone in the group would tease him, that friend would tell them to back off. Jacob didn't know where it was coming from at first, but was thankful nonetheless. Until he found screenshots of a conversation between that friend and another friend in the group, talking about Jacob's secret. His friend was only being nicer because of this secret.

Jacob was angry for a while. He didn't understand why being depressed was the only way to get them to stop teasing him, to stop making him the butt of the joke. Why couldn't they see that it doesn't matter if he's depressed or not, he shouldn't have to endure that much teasing. Then they went back to normal. And Jacob stopped feeling angry. He just felt empty.

There's a memory Jacob has, a memory of when he was maybe six, and it was his mother's birthday. His dad wanted him to stand next to him while they sang Happy Birthday to his mom, but instead he was knelt next to the coffee table untying his toy dog on wheels from the leg. He was still singing Happy Birthday, not to mention he was six, so it's not like he really understood anyway, but his dad got mad. He was taken upstairs to his room, and was yelled at, until he started crying. Jacob has a vague memory of being hit across the face, but looking back, he doesn't know if that really happened. He attributes that moment to his development of depression. He doesn't remember experiencing all the symptoms, but he does remember around Grade Six feeling like he will never be enough. He clearly remembers trying hard to fit in, but no one really wanted him around. He'd interact with people, but wouldn't get the same reaction as others did. He'd say something witty, and no one would laugh, but someone else would say a simplified version of it and suddenly they were the funniest person in the world.

Jacob has some issues.

Sometimes these memories made him angry, other times embarrassed, but more often than not they just reminded him why he doesn't belong.

A soft knock came from the door, and he heard his mother from the other side say, "Jacob, honey, are you awake yet?" Jacob sat up and pushed himself off the bed, walking to his door. He twisted the knob, pulling the door towards him and walked away to his dresser, pulling clothes out of the drawers. "Good morning sweetie, how are you?" His mom took a step into his room. A twinge of annoyance flickered in the back of his mind but he shoved it down, telling himself he has no right to feel that way. His parents didn't ask much of him, he has no right to be rude to them.

"I'm good fine, mom, only been awake for a bit so I don't really know if it's been a good day or a bad day yet," he turned to face her, smiling a bit. He had become an excellent liar over the years, able to hide his mood and fib his way through a conversation. "I'm gonna shower now though," he murmured, starting to walk towards the door. She smiled gently at him and stepped to the side, following him out and walking down the stairs.

As he lathered shampoo in his hair his head was filled with the usual back and forth debate on whether or not the people in his life actually cared about him. The evidence is pretty fifty fifty. An image of the gentle smile flashed across his mind, then he remembered a moment where his mother had said that he needed to get out in order to feel happier. But she isn't wrong, statistically speaking fresh air is better for you, and exercise releases endorphins that make him happy. On the other hand, he knew that if he went out without someone expecting him some place at some time, he wouldn't exactly be careful when crossing the street. He doesn't trust himself, and while he doesn't believe his family actually likes him as a person, he could never risk hurting them, no matter how much pain they've caused him.

That shower got depressing really fast. He shook his head and stepped out, grabbing a towel and drying himself off. He pulled on his clothes, brushed his teeth, moisturized and opened the door, heading down the hall and walking down the stairs. He greeted his dad, grabbed an apple, picked up his school bag and headed out the front door. Jacob dropped his bag in the passenger seat of his car and slid in behind the wheel, starting up the car and tapping his fingers on the wheel. Thirty seconds later the front door opened and slammed shut, and out of the corner of his eye he saw two figures moving across the lawn towards him. The locks made an audible sound when he locked them, just as the girl put her hand on the passenger side handle.

"Um Jake," she said, not looking very pleased. "What, do you think you're doing?"

Jacob rolled down the window and leaned over, smiling up at her. "Back seat is for people who crash their cars, Phoebs."

"Don't call me that it's not my name," she snapped back, her hand still on the handle. The boy behind her started snickering. "Shut it Pai." The boy's head snapped up, a scowl on his face now.

"Hypocrite." He muttered.

Jacob was still smiling. "You two, in the back. Now."

The girl still wouldn't let go of the door handle. They're going to be late at this rate.

"Only if you promise not to shorten our names anymore," she said, loosening her grip.

Jacob sighed. Well there goes all his fun. "Fine. Phoebus, Paieon, back seats. Let's go."

They smiled, the same smile, stupid twins and their identicalness. He unlocked the door and they slid into the back seats like plebeians, then they were off. The ride was filled with beautiful serenity. Just kidding. It was filled with the sounds of Phoebus and Paieon arguing, over something stupid no doubt. Jacob paid them little mind. He was very good at ignoring everything, from feelings to hunger pains, among other things, not to toot his own horn or anything. Those other things include overanalyzing, patronizing others, and most of all, worrying. He is very good at worrying. Soon they pulled up next to the school and the twins were dashing out of the still moving car (yikes!) shouting something along the lines of "see you at three ten". Jacob took a moment to himself to breathe, drawing up the energy and reinforcing his walls for the day. Each day got harder and harder, it was only a matter of time. You’re not here for yourself, you’re here for others. Your purpose is to serve until you are no longer needed.

A knock on his window startled him. He looked over to see a girl leaning down, her hair hanging freely and a furrow in her brow, She mimed cranking down the window, like in an old car. Jacob rolled down the window. "Yes?"

"Sorry," she said, biting her lip. "It's just uh, you looked I don't know, alone? I was wondering if you're okay?" Jacob's eyebrows rose in surprise. She must be new. "Yeah, I am new," she laughed a little, looking away then looking back at him. Her eyes seemed to look past his walls and see right into his soul. He didn't like it. Make it stop.

"I'm Jacob, but everyone around here calls me autistic mostly." Jacob said, staring right at her to gauge her reaction. She looked taken aback.

"Are you?"

That's a new one. Asking if he is autistic. He shook his head. "Just anti-social," he smiled half heartedly. She grinned.

"So I'm getting the most anyone's ever gotten out of you?" Jacob nodded his head, confirming. She smiled again, her eyes twinkling. There was something behind them, something he couldn't quite place. Oh well, must not be important. "Cool. Why don't we head in and you show me around, Jacob?" The way she said his name sent a shiver down his spine, and he tried not to move so it wouldn't show. He smiled a little, and she stepped back to let him out. He locked the door behind him, and she wound herself around his free arm, the other shouldering his bag. Jacob looked down at her in surprise. No one has willingly gotten this close to him in a long time. The only time he had physical contact was during gym class.

He opened his mouth to say something but she forged on ahead, dragging him along with her. He was too confused and overwhelmed by this sudden change that he didn't notice they had arrived at his locker. He was still confused as he unlocked it, grabbing a textbook he had forgotten and closing it.

"Take me to the office? I need to get my schedule and student card." He nodded dumbly, letting himself once again be dragged along. She looked up at him and gave him another dazzling smile, and it took him walking into the wall for him to regain his focus. He laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand and set off through the hall, ignoring the looks from the students staring at the weirdo with a very beautiful new girl hanging off his arm. His mask rose, and his face went stoney. They arrived at the office and his second mask slipped into place. His customer service mask, if you would.

"Good morning Irene," he greeted the older woman behind the desk. She didn't look up. "I have a new student here who needs her student ID and timetable if that's not too much trouble?" Irene mumbled something. He leaned closer, "Pardon? I didn't quite catch that sorry."

She looked up at him as if he had personally wronged her family a thousand years ago, then repeated, "Name?"

Jacob froze for a second, just now realizing that she knew his name, but he didn't know hers. "Leah Marsh," she jumped in, still holding on to Jacob's arm. Would she ever let go? Irene muttered again, and Leah must have very good hearing because she laughed and said, "No no, we're not related. We just met," and she looked back up at him with that dazzling smile and that twinkle in her eye. Jacob's ears went red. She laughed.

Irene stood and grabbed something from a drawer, a piece of paper and a small plastic ID card, putting them on top of the half wall separating them before sitting back down. "Have a good day now," she murmured to her computer screen.

Jacob smiled, the polite boy his mother raised in him coming out. "Thank you, you too."

And they were off once again, Leah dragging Jacob out the door and around the corner.

"Let me see your schedule? I can help you find your classes before the bell goes." Jacob offered. He held out his hand, and Leah passed over the piece of paper. He scanned it, then scanned it again. He pulled out his phone and her the two items next to each other, looking back and forth. "Looks like we have all the same classes? Odd," he murmured.

"Cool!" Leah said. He glanced over at her and her face was brighter than the sun. How could one person be so happy? Doesn't it get tiresome?

"Well I guess we're heading to first period English," he handed back the schedule. "Come on, it's this way." He led her down the north hall, stuck inside his head again. He was so caught up in his own mind that he didn't notice Leach staring directly at him, not even looking where they were going. Which led to her knocking into someone, of course.

"Hey!" The kid exclaimed, outraged, until he got a good look at who he had bumped into. "Oh, hey," his voice changed, and Jacob finally snapped out of his thoughts and looked over.

"I'm so sorry, I was leading and I didn't see you," Jacob apologized, getting a good look at the kid. It's Matthew, one of the popular kids. He's a guard on the basketball team, though he should be post guard, what with his height. He was a tall lanky kid, and easily made three pointers. The only reason Jacob knew this is because one of his classes is Yearbook, which makes him a photographer for the school. You'd think that would make people be a little nicer to him, but nope. Still gets bullied.

Matthew sneered. "Who said you could speak, retard." Jacob looked at the ground, ashamed. He should've known better. Leah giving him attention does not make him liked by everyone else all of a sudden.

Leah laughed lightly, and he looked at her. "No, Jacob's right, we should have been paying attention. Sorry about that," she lifted one of her hands and held it vertically in front of her face. Odd. Jacob had never seen someone do that before. He'd never seen anyone like Leah before. She truly was a unique person.

Matthew looked her up and down, then smirked lightly. "Why are you hanging out with this retard?"

"We have all the same classes it seems, so he's showing me around." Leah smiled up at him and this time Jacob wished she hadn't. Matthew was glaring at him and if looks could kill, well let's just say Jacob wouldn't be doing too well.

"Why don't I show you around? You're not going to get much out of him, he doesn't talk." Matthew was speaking to Leah but was staring directly at Jacob. It was like Matthew was daring him to say something, prove him wrong, but Jacob knew better. Any time he spoke outside of class, weird things would happen. He'd suddenly trip, or his books would be knocked out of his hand, or even weirder, he'd be shoved head first into a locker. Strange.

Jacob said nothing. Leah looked back up at him, and finally noticed his whole demeanour had changed. He was rigid, stone face and looking at the ground. More than that he was closed off. The arm she was holding onto had gone limp, and he other hand was shoved into his pocket. She gently let go of his arm. Matthew smiled broadly. He held out his arm, as if he were a gentleman.

"Great, let's go." Matthew led the two of them down the hall, chatting animatedly. She didn't look back.

The next few hours passed in a haze of learning, note taking and teachers droning on, just as bored as their students. Jacob didn't understand why but he was somehow hurt from Leah ditching him. He shouldn't be, because everyone leaves him at some point, but she seemed different. There was something about her, she was warm, friendly, and she seemed genuine. Ah well, it doesn't matter now. She met Matthew and she was obviously getting along well with him. Jacob sat in the middle at the far side of his classes, trying not to draw attention to himself. He'd also somehow get there earlier than everyone else, and would keep his head down as people walked in. He noticed Leah walking in each time, but she didn't look at him. That solidified it in his mind: she wasn't worth the emotions he was feeling.

He focussed on the board, transferring the words from the board to his laptop, then don't get too comfortable, you're just a placeholder. He shook his head lightly, shaking away the unpleasant thoughts. Intrusive thoughts begone! He doesn't have time for this, he needs to take notes.

Lunch came and Leah walked right past him with Matthew and another girl named Clarissa. Matthew stared at him as they walked past, as if challenging him to say something, but Jacob knows his place. He looked down. Grabbing an iced tea from the cafeteria he paid for it and headed out a set of double doors to the lawn, finding a tree and climbing up into it. He pulled his apple out of his bag and bit into it, enjoying the peace up in the branches. It was quiet, birds chirping and kids laughing, tossing around a football or stretched out on the grass. Jacob looked up, captivated by the sun shining through the leaves.

This tree was his escape, no one else ever came out this far so no one else was there to bully him.

He stared out at the field, looking at each and every person. They know him, but they don't at the same time. They know his face, his speech (or lack thereof). What they don't know is his mannerisms, his story, his raison d'être, which really doesn't exist. They don't know that sometimes he cries himself to sleep, sometimes he doesn't sleep, and when he does, he dreams of everyone around him leaving. The haunting image of the backs of those he loves flashes across his eyes and this time he doesn't shake his head. He embraces it. They don't love him, it's just a fact. Well, they do, but they don't. What Jacob means is that they love him, because they're family, but they don't love him for him. They don't love his random outbursts of weirdness, standing in doorways like a creep, making horrible jokes. They don't love who he is as a person, and that's okay. Jacob can barely tolerate himself, how are others supposed to tolerate him?

Before he knows it, he's climbed to the very top of the tree, and he's leaping out of it,

falling

falling.

He crashes to the ground hard on his arm and lets out an involuntary yelp, drawing the attention of the other students outside. Well shit. That's not what he was planning, but it's happened now and there's no going back. Some kids came running over, the ones who didn't really know him, and one asked if he was okay. Does he look like he's okay? He's pale, sweating, and his right arm is bent awkwardly. He is not okay. They send someone inside, and the kid who asked if he's alright kneels beside him, helping him lean against the tree. He spots Jacob's bag in the tree and stands up to grab it, pulling out his iced tea.

"Thanks man," Jacob says, accepting the drink.

"What happened?" The kid asked.

"I was trying to climb higher, but I must've slipped or something because next thing you know I'm falling."

"Hm," the kid pondered. What could he be pondering? "Cause from where I was it looked like you had jumped out," he looked sideways at Jacob, and his blood froze.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jacob stammered. The kid just looked at him coolly.

Before he could answer he was interrupted by someone else rushing over, calling his name.

"Jacob? Jacob!" He looked up, and saw it was Leah. She was followed closely by Matthew and Clarissa, and in no time she was kneeling on his other side, hands halfway through the air and her face riddled with worry. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Jacob just stared at her. What was she doing here? This was a complete turn around from how she had been acting earlier. Matthew and Clarissa had caught up. "I'm telling you Leah," Matthew was shaking his head, still wearing that stupid smirk. "He's not going to talk."

Leah glared at him before turning back to Jacob, looking at him softly. The pain from his arm was already starting to go away, which makes absolutely no sense at all. "Jake are you okay?" He felt that twinge of annoyance at the nickname, who was she to give him a nickname, but he shoved it down. He nodded.

"He fell out of the tree," the kid said. Jacob didn't know who he was, and he knows everyone. He has to, he's on yearbook.

"Oh my god, Jakey that's horrible! Is your arm hurt?" She lightly touched his broken arm and he hissed, drawing back a bit. From Jake to Jakey in less than a minute. Who was she? Why did she feel so comfortable with him, and why did he feel so comfortable with her? He just wanted to tell her everything was alright, but nothing was alright.

Leah looked up at the kid, a smile covering her face. "Thanks for coming to his rescue and letting me know. My name is Leah, nice to meet you," she held out her hand and the kid shook it.

"Erick," he replied, smiling tightly. How did Erick know to get Leah? What's with this kid?

"The retard is fine, Leah. Just leave him alone," Matthew said, growing impatient.

Leah whipped her head back to glower at him. "The 'retard'," she spat, emphasizing the slur, "is my mate, so back the fuck off."

What?

Matthew held his hands up, trying to calm her. "Woah, how was I supposed to know that?"

Leah just growled. It sounded animalistic. The gears in Jacob's mind started to turn. How she had shown up when he was in distress near her, how she had answered a question he had only thought, why she seemed so keen on attaching herself to him. But why did she leave him then? Why did she choose to go with Matthew over him? This doesn't make sense. First he has to accept that werewolves are real, she's much too warm to be a vampire, but she could be a selkie? Or any other mythical creature really. Jacob doesn't know, he doesn't know anything anymore. If they were werewolves, and that's a pretty big if, Jacob could understand why Matthew always hit him so hard, versus other people, like Max, or Grizz.

Jacob lifted his eyebrows. His arm is broken, he's been on an emotional rollercoaster today, and he would just like to know what's going on. So he said as much. "So, what pack are you guys from?"

"I'm a rogue," Leah replied, turning to look at him.

"Half Moon," Matthew responded offhandedly. Then he realized what he said. He put a sneer on, "What's it to you?"

"I'm human," Jacob shrugged, ignoring the pain.

"Ah," Matthew said, nodding. "Wait, what?" He looked at Leah, then back at Jacob. This is probably the first time they've held eye contact for this long. "How are you human?"

"Uh, good question. I just am? My whole family is human." Jacob replied.

Matthew shook his head. "No, your family is part of the other pack in this town, Rising Sun. You smell like them, so we all assumed that you just hadn't shifted yet, which is why we bully you. But you're saying you're human?"

None of this makes sense.

Jacob nodded. "Yep, that's what I'm saying. Guess I need to have a talk with my family about a certain furry secret." Jacob smirked. This'll be fun. God this day has been crazy, and it's not even halfway over. Wait a second, Leah said she's a rogue?

"So," Jacob looked at Leah. "You're a rogue?"

Leah stiffened. Touchy subject apparently. She nodded.

"And you're my mate,"

Leah brightened, "Yeah! I wanted to tell you, but you got so cold when we ran into Matty that I thought maybe you were going to reject me," she looked at the ground. She's lying. She wasn't going to tell him, she didn't want to tell him. She's only here now because of what they call the mate bond, and she couldn't exactly up and leave halfway towards running to him. Then she'd really look like a bitch. Jacob is seriously starting to doubt she actually wants to be mates with him.

"Fascinating," Jacob commented. Leah frowned. Jacob shook his head. "That there are werewolves," he explained. It was kinda cool. "So what other mythical creatures are real?"

Leah was about to launch into a whole explanation but she was cut off by Erick. "Shouldn't we get him to the office? His arm is still broken." Thank you Erick, for being the voice of reason. Jacob never would have remembered that the bone in his arm is broken if not for that comment. It's not like he couldn't feel the searing pain coming from the limb. How enlightening.

"That would be much appreciated," Jacob said instead. Erick helped him up, and Leah tried to help by grabbing his other arm, which was the broken arm. It did not help. She retracted her hands, demoting herself to just standing and walking beside him. Irene the office woman was not entirely impressed to see him, but called an ambulance nonetheless and he was off. He got his cast, bright pink of course, and was given some pain meds before being sent on his merry way.

He walked back to the school.

Since he was technically exempt from his afternoon classes but it was close to three ten so he just waited in the car. After bumming around on Tumblr for a bit, he finally heard the bell go, and not long after that his beloved younger twin siblings were racing out the school doors, headed right for the car. They tugged on the door handles impatiently, waiting for Jacob to unlock it. He finally did, and they slid in.

"Why are you out so early? Aren't your spares tomorrow?" Jacob lifted up his broken arm in response. He looked back at their faces, the picture of surprise. Eyebrows raised, mouths in the shape of a O. Hilarious. With that, Jacob started the car and drove off. When they got home, Phoebus slamming the door of course, the twins headed upstairs and Jacob strolled into the kitchen, ready for his talk with his parents.

"So I met my mate today," he said casually. His mom was typing on the computer, his dad filling out papers, and neither of them looked up.

"That's great sweetie," his mother said lightly, still not paying attention. Silence, then, "What did you say?"

"My mate," Jacob said louder. "I found her,"

"Mm not possible Jacob," his dad murmured. "You're not a werewolf."

"But you guys are," Suddenly they froze, finally tuning into the conversation.

Gotcha!

#wip #em writes #sinking #mental health #mental health awareness #tw depression #tw suicidal thoughts #depression #suicidal thoughts #suicidal #wish a dash of fantasy because that's what I wanted to do #writing in progress #writing #writeblr #magic #werewolves #mates #werewolf

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