#don’t throw in the fact that somebody’s been raped if you aren’t prepared to handle it later! lol

[liamgallaghermpreg]

Ok I finished 11x21 and watched most of 11x22 at the gym and all I can think is Sam is being so BRAVE? Working so closely to Lucifer and even extending sympathy to him that he does not need to like aaaaah he is so…😭🫠 but also god this show bit off more than it could chew with the scope of Sam’s Cage trauma and ummm really doesn’t know how to handle it or take it seriously lol

[darkcloud-kcalifornia]

Got something a bit different as far as me reacting to stuff this week.  See last time I queued up a Nanoha episode while I was waiting for Paint.net and Word to load I scrolled down the video listings on Amazon and saw something odd.  Apparently sometime in the early 80s somebody thought it would be a good idea to make a spoopy comedy titled “Saturday the 14th”.  I have never heard of this one before, and the title combined with the time it was made makes me think this would likely best be enjoyed with the company of a couple of robot puppets.  But I don’t have those, so I’m going this one alone.  Welcome to an unexpected bad movie night this Saturday the 14th with… Saturday the 14th.

* Credits ain’t even rolled yet and we already have badly a badly animated wolf and bat in front of a rotoscoped house.  Oh yeah, we’re dealing with “quality” here.

* So we open with creepy pedo vampire named Waldemar (don’t know how I’ll ever remember that name) trying to buy a house, and his wife being annoyed that he’s obviously being creepy pedo vampire in front of the real estate agent.

* So apparently there’s a problem with the house, involving some scene with “gags” about a rich person’s will telling various people to go &^%! themselves, and one couple, John and Mary, inherit a cured house.  The lawyer gags and dies before he can mention what the curse is.  Well, can’t fault the curse for efficiency.

* So apparently the naïve couple and their two kids are now moving into the house the vampire couple wants. The real estate agent tries to assure the vampires the family likely won’t stay for long.  Waldemar’s wife agrees, ominously.

* The family dog Rover decides he wants nothing to do with this place.  And the dog was the smartest of all.

* The son Billy disappears, and the couple assure themselves that this is like when they went to Disneyland and he hid inside of Pluto for 2 hours.  Not Pluto’s house, Pluto.  Guys, I think your son might be a furry.

* Of course shortly after entering the house a mirror falls down and breaks and a black cat runs by. This is a subtle movie.

* Ah, apparently Billy is an electrician furry.  He was just off fixing the fuse box.  Also, the daughter Debbie thinks boarding school sounds good right about now.

* Ah, so the vampire couple are after something in particular in that house.  They are of course being dramatically vague about that.

* Huh, that’s a curse side effect I hadn’t thought of, and yet seems oddly appropriate.  Every channel on the TV is playing The Twilight Zone. I’ll give the movie credit for that one.

* Mary seems surprisingly calm about her efforts to dust off the skull in the pantry.

* Uncle Henry left them a note before he died.  In the fridge.  About not opening “the book”.  I can’t help but feel like it would have been better to tie that note to the book in question.

* Billy of course has found the Book of Evil.  And opened it.  Well at least this movie isn’t likely to go for tree rape, it’s only rated PG.

* John and Mary hear the sound of the real estate agent being mauled outside as they prepare for a lovely night together and assume the screams were an owl.  I ain’t never heard no owl like that.

* Ain’t never seen no owl like that either.

* OK, that was a pretty decent exchange between Billy and John when the kid is screaming about a monster. “Act your age.”  “I am acting my age.  You’re just used to me acting like a grownup.  I’m 10 years old and there’s a monster in here.”

* You can tell when Billy has given up all hope when his dad doesn’t notice the monster standing right behind him.

* And Mary got bit by one of the vampires while John was being useless.

* Billy has discovered that monsters don’t like the touch of the Book of Evil.  Time for good old fashion book bashing.

* It’s got to do wonders for a kid’s self esteem to smack a large monster hard enough they go stumbling out the window.

* Waldemar is convinced that whoever controls the book controls the world.  All hail Overlord Billy!

* I wonder which monster did the dishes.

* Why can’t I ever find rubber gloves large enough for my hands? Monsters apparently don’t have this problem.

* Fin pops out of the bubble bath while certain chords play that aren’t in any way similar to a certain shark’s theme.  I’m sure it’s just a dolphin owl.

* OK movie, did we really need to see a barely teenage girl strip down for her bath?  I sure hope the actress was 18 and just happened to look young.  Because that scene ain’t right.

* Rubber ducky scare.

* Look mister, I don’t care if you’re not going to hurt her or don’t have any interest in her species, you don’t go around accosting young teens in the bath.

* Well, at least one policeman is close enough to try and do something.  Advantage of having one as a neighbor I guess.

* Too bad the creature is freakishly durable, that cop nailed him right between the eyes with that gun shot.

* And the cop’s dead. Too bad, put up a surprisingly decent fight for a “caps are useless” point in a horror movie.

* Billy, if your sister dies now it’s all on you.  You don’t stuff unconscious people into a tub with water, and then after having to drag them out to prevent drowning, try to do it again.

* So after Mary is nearly torn apart by bats owls, John calls an exterminator.  And this exterminator has a Van Helsing working for him. I have the feeling that those other addresses mentioned mean something, but I hardly ever watch horror and thus can’t say.

* Helsing comes by to exterminate the bats (look for the book) and expects a guest room.  And dinner.  You don’t get rid of bats overnight.  Doesn’t anybody have work ethic anymore?

* The monsters are outright gaslighting little Debbie at this point.

* Well Rosemary’s Baby got namechecked at least.

* Van Helsing is now completely convinced, the Book is here.  And he’s now ranting about it at the dinner table.  Awkward conversation topics.  But at least it’s being brought out into the open now and Billy is admitting that he had it and opened it.  Heck if he can find anything after his mom cleaned his room though.

* OK, that one was pretty funny.  After Van Helsing asks John if he as any idea what kind of horrors would be in the house on Saturday the 14th (title drop!) after the Book has been opened, John thinks he should restrict the party guests to just the relatives.

* That night Waldemar uses mind control on the now partially-turned Mary to have her retrieve the book from wherever it was she hid the thing when she cleaned Billy’s room.  Which… is actually a pretty good plan on Waldemar’s part. If anybody knows where the thing is now, it’d be her.

* Ah-ha!  The linen closet!  But as she’s now partially monster she can’t touch the thing.  Which… makes me wonder how Waldemar was planning on using it.  It’s not like he can touch it either if even Mary can’t when she’s still somewhat human.

* Waldemar’s wife is the jealous type.  Not that she’s wrong…

* Monsters are so sloppy. Except for Wolfman.  Wolfman seems to be stuck with the job of tidying up after the others.  I do not envy Wolfman.

* I’m honestly surprised Debbie’s bladder held strong considering she was trying to make it to the bathroom before suddenly getting transported to the kitchen.  Never did make it to that bathroom… er, because she just snuck back to her room, not because she got eviscerated or anything.

* Van Helsing: fully willing to take advantage of the fact that people will believe anything is possible from bubbling, smoky beakers.

* The fate of the world is potentially hinging on their ability to throw a good party so as to collect enough positive energy.  We’re doomed.

* Well Debbie might have avoided an accident last night but unfortunately it seemed her mother ended up soiling the bed. (*ba-dum tssh*)

* Only a minute after meeting John’s relatives and Van Helsing is already convinced these people deserve anything that happens to them tonight.

* Who want to play “find the boy before the world ends”?

* Mary was planning on handling the Book… with oven mitts.  And somebody else took it.  Uh oh.

* Nice of the monsters to leave out the cop’s head where his wife could find it.  Of course everybody in this film has blinders on.

* Who wants to bet Billy just went to the bathroom?

* Oh hey, the real estate agent is undead now.

* You know, the phrase “room temperature IQ” gets thrown around a lot these days, but…

* Oh hey, they found Billy! And he’s got the book!  And is with Waldemar… and wearing a cape…

* And Van Helsing was a villain all along, as he too was in the book.

* OK, I think I just need to stae for the record that random sound effects rather than the usual vampiric hissing do not comedy make.  This scene is just cringe-worthy.

* And so Van Helsing gets his hands on the book to destroy it and thus make sure the monsters can’t be imprisoned again, and that just kills the monsters and Van Helsing.

* And so Waldemar and his wife bid them a fond farewell and Rover comes back.  The End.

 Yeah, that was kind of a crappy ending.  As for the rest of the movie, it was… meh?  Certainly not the worst thing I’ve sat through, and there were a couple of decent jokes and lines in there.  But a lot of the humor derived from how oblivious and stupid most of the people were, and that just gets old after a while.  Still, if you want to watch a cheesy movie with bad effects and acting then feel free to give this one a go.  Just be aware that you’d probably have a better time if you have friends to mock it with.