#don’t mind me just screaming into the void

[coffee-and-geto]

THE SPACE YOU LEFT BEHIND

“Will you stay with me?” It’s like a wish waiting to be granted. “Forever.”

pairing: satoru gojo x sorcerer! reader

summary: indeed, after suguru has defected, you’ve been trying to heal yourself and to not loose your mind. but healing ourselves is always harder than helping others, isn’t it? but don’t forget the goal of a sorcerer: protect humans at the risk of your life. and sometimes, death is closer that we think it is.

warnings: heavy angst, injuries, mention of death, blood, depression, eating disorder, pinning, mention of vomit, mention of cigarettes, mei mei, nanami & shoko make and appearance, mention of yaga, the lion king movie mentionned, jujutsu sorcerers’ life sucks, the story takes shape after suguru's defection, bittersweet/happy ending.

wc: 5,039

When you committed to the world of exorcism after middle school, you hadn’t realized just how much you had underestimated the darker sides of this life, where exorcists dedicate their lives to protecting humans — the primary source of the curses’ existence.

Suguru was right, wasn’t he?

It’s because of them that your classmates died. It’s also their fault that your best friend deserted school after massacring an entire village during a mission.

That put an end to all the memories you cherished so dearly, kept, and illustrated in a diary.

Sunny afternoons after class, eating ice cream with your friends Shoko, Suguru, and Satoru. The setting sun signaling the end of a fulfilling day, leading into sleepless nights of sleepovers, where Satoru brought piles of sweets ready to infest your mouths with cavities as Suguru told scary stories about his hometown.

Or shopping days with Shoko, dragging the two boys along to test makeup products on them — the ones you’d never buy considering their outrageous prices.

Or those dangerous missions where you hunted curses, tracking them down to uphold your values: protecting the weak to maintain order and peace.

Such a beautiful motto, isn’t it?

A motto meant to help you, guide you, and support you so you wouldn’t lose sight of your goals.

So why did it fail so much that your once-beloved diary now sits open on your desk, collecting dust since the last time you opened it — not to add a new memory, but rather to look at the last ones you wrote.

Suguru’s departure left a void far more significant and meaningful than you had expected, didn’t it?

Life feels duller. The sky no longer seems as sunny — replaced by a grayish one, heavy with dark clouds threatening storms that mirror your emotions. If you had no tears left to cry, the rain would suffice to push you into your room after classes and missions, both as exhausting as your mind, consumed by draining thoughts.

The silence left by Suguru’s absence is far louder than all the times you screamed into his voicemail after he stopped responding to you. Of course, eventually, you gave up. Not out of choice.

Simply because he had blocked you.

And when changing SIM cards proved futile, you quickly realized through the automatic response that the number you sought was no longer in service.

It felt like all your regrets had come crashing down at once. But in truth, they had only arrived right on time.

If you had helped Suguru the way he needed, he wouldn’t have left. 

He wouldn’t have been condemned.

You wouldn’t have stopped eating, stopped living your life the way you were told you should, or started losing your friends one by one.

Suguru was the first.

Shoko isn’t the second. The brunette seems to hold up much better — although the number of cigarettes she smokes daily has doubled — she doesn’t withdraw into herself the way you do. So, you’re sure you won’t lose her... right?

And as for Satoru… Will he be the next to leave, one way or another?

Or will it be you?

Either way, you’re losing yourselves. It’s been a while since you stopped keeping track of how long it’s been since you last saw Satoru after Suguru’s departure.

Mr. Yaga confirmed that he hadn’t assigned him a single mission — the situation critical, delicate, and as fragile as a flower filled with poison that could make The Strongest falter at the slightest misstep or careless move.

He could very well be dead, and no one would know.

“So… you haven’t heard from him either?” Nanami murmurs, his deep, low voice almost swallowed by the muddy ground and heavy rain that poured as much as your overwhelmed mind.

You shake your head. “Not a single sign of life,” you mumble with the tip of your lips.

The two of you are on your way back to the school after a long mission assigned by your teacher, Yaga. It took you the entire day, but at least your mind feels lighter, despite the constant fatigue weighing on your shoulders like the weight of the world.

As the rain falls harder on you both, Nanami takes the initiative to open his black umbrella, holding it over your head as you stare at your mud-stained shoes.

“Almost three weeks.”

Your friend’s voice sounds distant, like hearing someone underwater.

Your head jerks up. “Hmm?”

“He hasn’t been out in almost three weeks,” Nanami repeats, his gaze fixed straight ahead. The crunching of your shoes and his on the gravel fills the silence before he continues. “Yaga gave him some time, but it’s getting harder to assign missions to others who are on Satoru’s level, you know.”

You don’t react to his words. Of course, he’s right.

Just as he’s wrong.

While Satoru’s behavior of shutting himself away without contact for so long isn’t responsible, his reasons remain entirely valid.

He just lost someone dear to him.

So, can you blame him?

But perhaps it’s time to bring your friend back, even if it means risking losing him — and yourself — in the process.

~~~~

You knock three times on Satoru’s dorm door.

A dead silence answers you.

You try again.

The same response.

So, you try the handle, testing whether it’s locked. However, it gives way under your hand, and a moment later, you step through the doorway into an unrecognizable environment.

Indeed, your best friend’s room — usually adorned with decorations and elements that so vividly reflected Satoru’s lively personality — is now unrecognizable. The windows, typically allowing sunlight to flood in and brighten the room, now shroud it in an ominous darkness. On the floor, clothes, likely dirty, are scattered at your feet. Satoru’s desk is covered in a visible layer of dust despite the dim light. And finally, on the bed you’ve always known, rests a long shape wrapped in thick blankets.

With his back turned to you, Satoru seems to be asleep from where you stand, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Even when you call his name, he doesn’t show any sign of awareness.

So, you close the door and kneel by the side of his bed.

“Satoru?” you murmur, placing a gentle hand on a shoulder covered by your friend’s indigo comforter.

The slight shiver running through him proves he’s very much awake.

But was his mind equally present?

“Satoru, were you sleeping?” you ask, shaking him carefully.

He doesn’t respond, not even with a gesture.

Your throat tightens in the face of a situation you’ve never had to face with him before.

How do you help someone who’s in the same situation as you?

In fact, it’s even worse.

Satoru is Suguru’s other half. Their symbiotic relationship always stopped you from seeing further with Satoru, leaving you questioning what he truly felt for Suguru. Because deep down, you knew you didn’t stand a chance. You’d never hold a place as important as Suguru’s in Satoru’s heart.

So, you chose to fill the void in your heart with love for him. It’s far from enough, but you’d rather not dwell on it. Unrequited love always ends this way, doesn’t it?

You straighten up just enough to lie down on the small remaining space on Satoru’s bed, carefully rubbing your friend’s arm to avoid startling him while offering the overflow of affection that aches to be reciprocated but, for now, can only warm the albino.

You don’t dare complain about the stale smell in the room, prioritizing Satoru’s comfort above all else. You drape your arm around him as he breathes in and out with a shaky rhythm, ignoring the cold of the room that freezes you just as much as the rain from earlier did.

Perhaps half an hour passes. 

Maybe an hour. 

Or more. 

Or even just ten minutes.

The oppressive silence of the room quickly catches up to the sleep deprivation you so desperately need to cure. The cold vanishes. In the end, it doesn’t matter, right?

The only thing that matters is having Satoru in your arms, no matter what, his back pressed securely against you as your breaths synchronize, and your heartbeats merge in a way you’ve always dreamed of.

But when you flutter your eyes open, the absence of cold is quickly replaced by body warmth. Satoru’s thick comforter is draped over you, and his body is pressed against yours.

But what strikes you most is that he’s no longer facing away.

Satoru, his eyelids closed, breathes softly and slowly, the shadow of haunted dark circles staining his angelic face.

You’re about to sit up when Satoru, still without opening his eyes, slides a hand over your arm.

“Don’t move,” he mumbles.

And his raspy voice nearly gives you a heart attack.

There’s only one way for someone to have that effect.

And more than anything, the slight swelling and redness of Satoru’s pale eyelids confirm your suspicions.

Resting your head back onto the pillow, your forehead lightly brushes against Satoru’s.

“Can you look at me?” Your lips move in a near-inaudible whisper.

Almost imperceptibly, he shakes his head.

“Why?”

He doesn’t answer.

“Satoru,” you insist, maintaining the same melancholic gentleness.

So you take the initiative to slowly raise your hands, bringing them toward his soft face to gently lift his eyelids. But what you see causes a crack in your heart, one akin to the shattering of ice under the raw heat of fire.

A small, wet pearl escapes from one of his eyes, deliberately rolling down his cheek, crossing his nose, and vanishing at the corner of his mouth.

Without a word, Satoru opens his eyes, and the embodiment of pain meets your distressed gaze.

His cerulean irises, usually alive with mischief, are as dark as an abyssal chasm. It’s as though a curse itself has taken hold of his gaze, condemning anyone who dares to meet his bloodshot eyes.

Your eyebrows slowly knit together, and with your heart already shattered, you decide to wrap your arms around him, pulling an unrecognizable Satoru against you as his chest releases a trembling breath and your neck grows damp from the occasional drops of warmth falling from his face.

“I’m here,” you mutter in his ear. “I’m here no matter what.”

Your eyelids close slowly, letting the tears you’d held back finally roll down your own cheeks.

Once again, perhaps ten minutes, half an hour, or even the entire afternoon passes before you finally decide to sit up, gently pulling an exhausted Satoru into your arms.

And to your surprise, he allows it.

You help him stand, supporting him with an arm around his body despite the height difference, and guide him to the bathroom. The decision had been made a while ago, even if your consciousness hadn’t fully caught up. After all, you would have wanted someone to do the same for you.

But aren’t we always better at caring for others than for ourselves?

Without protest — even though the idea of seeing Satoru naked might have made you blush last month — immersing him in the warm bath you’ve carefully prepared doesn’t feel as awkward as you’d expected. You’ve never seen him without at least his boxers, so out of respect, you avert your eyes as the poor boy settles into the hot water.

You grab a bottle of shampoo lying around in Satoru’s bathroom, squeezing out a small amount to wash his angelic hair. Despite having likely neglected his hygiene as much as you have lately, your friend is in desperate need of someone to care for him.

Satoru, his eyes still closed, seems almost asleep under your slow, gentle, and careful movements.

It looks like you’re washing a real dead man.

But perhaps part of him has been dead ever since Suguru left? Perhaps a piece of him vanished the moment Suguru was gone?

The faint hum vibrating from Satoru’s lips reassures you that he’s still conscious. You take it as a good sign that he’s relaxing. Your nails softly scratch his scalp, and he lets out a low groan of satisfaction. The foam grows thicker as you continue to massage Satoru’s head.

You rinse the shampoo from his hair with warm water, droplets trickling down his perfect face.

One of those droplets slides just below his eye, so imperceptibly that you wonder if you’d have noticed it at all if you weren’t gazing at his face with almost religious reverence.

Using a washcloth, you pick up Satoru’s body wash this time, lathering it across his skin, applying slightly more pressure to tense areas in need of a soothing massage. Soft sighs escape his nose, signaling that you can continue without bothering him.

After several massages where you pay special attention to certain spots, you fetch a robe, wrapping it around Satoru’s now-clean body. He’s like new, more ready now to hold onto a semblance of consciousness.

But one thing that strikes you is that Satoru, despite being entirely naked and in such a vulnerable state of weakness, allowed you to care for him without opening his eyes even once.

With a faint, gentle smile, you guide Satoru back to his room, grabbing some clean, comfortable clothes for him while he collapses onto his bed under the weight of the world on his shoulders. You help him into each piece of clothing, his body too weak to move as usual, almost lifeless. Then, you lead him to your room, crossing the school’s corridors so he can rest in the clean and organized space you’ve managed to create after pulling yourself together following your own depressive episode of endless, self-destructive days.

Your room is a true haven — tidy, clean, and orderly.

And so your freshly made bed with its crisp sheets seems to call to Satoru. The softness of the mattress cradles him as you drape your immaculate comforter over him.

Like laying a deceased loved one to rest in their coffin, Satoru keeps his eyes closed, his face void of expression, yet with a weariness that seems to have lifted ever so slightly.

~~~~

“How long?”

“I already told you.”

“Liar.”

Satoru pushes the food tray toward you, the arm of the mechanical table brushing against your torso. “I’m not hungry anyway.”

You sigh, the exhaustion of the past few days weighing on you like a heavy, unpleasant rain.

“First of all, you just got back from a mission where you were inches from dying if Shoko hadn’t been there. Second, you refuse to tell me how long it’s been since you’ve eaten — unless it’s been a month — and now you’re saying you’re not hungry?”

Satoru, lying under the pristine white sheets of his infirmary bed, simply turns his head away. It’s as if he’s acting like a machine. 

Mechanical movements, curt responses, and barely any signs of life.

During one of the recent missions assigned to him by Principal Yaga after weeks of absence, Satoru resumed his routine. He sleeps, does his missions, and returns to sleep in his room. Ever since you took the time to clean and organize his room, you haven’t exchanged more than a sentence. The only memory that still haunts you is the blood-red hue of Satoru’s eyes that night in his room.

The void left by Suguru has wreaked havoc.

And while you’ve managed to patch yourself up — or so you think — you’re now trying to help your friend in need. But how do you help someone who refuses to speak?

“And ‘I don’t know’ isn’t an answer,” you add in the face of his silence, rubbing your face, which feels warmer than usual. Perhaps it’s the heat of the room? December is a month where illness comes quickly. But it’s nothing, you reassure yourself.

“You’re flushed.”

“I know.”

“That wasn’t a question.”

Both of you avert your gaze, equally annoyed and concerned with one another.

“When was the last time you even slept? You spend more time watching over my sleep and my meals than looking at yourself in a mirror. You look like a Halloween costume.”

Ouch.

You glance at your reflection in the mirror near the nurse’s desk, and despite Satoru’s harsh words, your state seems even worse than his.

You’ve lost weight lately. The dark hollows under your eyes mirror your grueling schedule, where you spend most of your day juggling missions, watching over Satoru, and helping the school with any task.

Like an escape, you’ve found any excuse to avoid being alone. Especially with yourself.

But isn’t that exactly what Suguru did? The poor guy had no one to talk to, and the one time he tried, you thought he was just exhausted from swallowing curses. That was when he broke down and sobbed in front of you.

The memory alone stings your eyes. And unfortunately for you, you’re not in any shape to hold back the tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

You stand abruptly, turning your head away to avoid showing the cracks in your courageous facade to your best friend.

“Eat. I have a mission in half an hour. I’ll be back tonight.”

As you slip out of the infirmary, Satoru painfully sit up in his bed, opening his mouth to call after you, to say something. Anything. His words were harsh and cruel, while you’ve been patient with him, caring for him more than for yourself.

But he hates it.

Because you only remind him of what Suguru used to do. When he felt terrible, Suguru helped him despite his own pain, despite wanting to vomit up the curses he’d consumed or even die. Suguru cared about his appetite, just as you do now with Satoru. The same with his sleep, his recklessness during missions.

So he doesn’t want to lose you, at the risk of dying a second time.

~~~~

That same evening, you don’t return.

And Satoru notices immediately, because at bedtime, around 10 PM, you usually stop by his room — even more so now that he’s in the infirmary.

Missions take time. So Satoru reassures himself, thinking that you simply took longer and that by the next morning, you’d be by his side to check on him. He would apologize. He’d ask for forgiveness and try to understand the reason behind the instability in your voice before you left earlier.

Did he hurt you that much?

His train of thought is interrupted by urgent voices barking orders, and Shoko putting on her apprentice doctor’s coat as she grabs a spell manual on her way out, meeting Satoru’s confused gaze.

And he understands immediately who it’s about.

Despite his still weakened state and his inability to perform Reverse Curse Technique for some time now, Satoru pulls on his exorcist uniform, leaving his sunglasses on the bedside table, and follows Shoko and the team of medics heading toward a school car. But he swiftly grabs Shoko’s wrist.

If something happened to you, taking a stupid car would only lead to a certain death.

With a gaze as panicked as it is void, Satoru questions his friend.

“Mei Mei went to check on what happened,” Shoko murmurs gravely. “The mission was simple. She should’ve been back over five hours ago.” She points to the time on her watch.

1:20 AM.

Did he fall asleep while lost in thought? How had so much time passed since he noticed your absence earlier that night?

“And you think taking more time in this car is enough?” Satoru spits his words, his voice low but echoing nonetheless into the snowy night as flurries begin to fall around them. “Just tell me you want her dead now, then.”

Shoko glances at the waiting car.

“Then what do you suggest?” she asks, narrowing her eyes, scrutinizing her friend from head to toe before yanking her wrist back sharply. “Look at you. You can barely stand.”

“I can still teleport. You’re far more competent than these clowns,” Satoru replies in the same tone, grabbing her wrist again. “And let me remind you, we cannot lose her.” The warning in his voice sounds like a threat.

It’s only when Shoko finally relents that Satoru teleports them both after she gives him the location where Mei Mei last reported finding you. The pressure of the spell makes them feel like they’re being sucked through a narrow tube, or squeezed in a vice. When they finally arrive at your location, it’s with a pop sound, like a bubble bursting free.

Releasing Shoko’s wrist the very second they arrive, Satoru scans the surroundings — then freezes.

Mei Mei’s blue hair is bent over a body on the ground. In the dim light of the night, only the moon’s rays illuminate a pool resembling wine.

And Satoru would’ve prayed for it to be only wine.

He and Shoko rush toward Mei Mei, who steps aside to face them with a furrowed brow, her expression a foreboding omen.

“Internal bleeding,” she announces to Shoko.

The words ring like a gong in Satoru’s ears, now buzzing. His paralyzed body stands mere inches from you. Your half-closed eyes stare blankly into the void, your arms lying limply at your sides, and a streak of dried blood stains your cheek. Despite the presence of your friends, you don’t react.

Not even when Satoru says your name.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

And as many times as it takes before Shoko and Mei Mei push him back, as he struggles to try to hold you in his arms, his hoarse voice cracking, begging you not to leave him.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, Satoru Gojo, whose senses granted by his Six Eyes had long been dulled, awakens once again.

He hears your heart beating faintly. The pulse of your arteries, the successive waves of blood pushed by your struggling heart. Your shallow breaths slipping through damaged lungs. The warmth of your blood slowly leaking life away.

Please, no…

As long as it took for Satoru to recover a fraction of his powers, the same amount of time seems to pass while Shoko works quickly to stop your hemorrhaging.

He knows because he no longer hears the blood flowing out of your body. Your pulse has slowed, and though still weak, your heart beats with slightly more determination.

That determination, Satoru perceives as a flame.

A flame you refuse to let extinguish, because he knows you’re fighting not to pass on.

And if you no longer have the strength, Satoru will be the lighter forcing you to keep fighting. He will stay by your side as long as you need him.

And he will refuse to die a second time — unless it’s for you.

~~~~

A few days later.

The roles have reversed.

Satoru, fully recovered from his mission for a while now, devotes all his time to your care. He’s moved his belongings to the infirmary, where you remain recuperating. He insisted on pushing a bed right up against yours to monitor your sleep, your eating habits, and your overall well-being. 

Every movement you make is instantly picked up by his Six Eyes.

Your survival after your mission was nothing short of a miracle for Satoru.

A prayer he made — and one that was answered.

“You tired?” he asks softly, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear. His cerulean eyes linger on your still-fresh bandages, and a bitter pang squeezes at his heart.

You shake your head despite the telltale dark circles under your eyes. “I’m feeling better.”

“Bored?” he guesses then, raising an eyebrow slightly, his tone tinged with amusement. Is he planning something?

A small smile tugs at your lips. “Got something in mind?” you reply, curiosity sparking enough to make you want to laugh genuinely.

Lying beside you in his own infirmary bed pressed against yours, Satoru gently takes your hand in his. He lifts it to chest level, absentmindedly playing with your fingers. “I could put on a movie for us if you’d like…”

“What kind of movie? If you even think about suggesting that cursed Terrifier again, I swear I’ll strang—”

Satoru bursts into laughter at your disgusted expression. His chest shakes with every sound, lifting the weight of any lingering pain in his heart.

“I was thinking more along the lines of the new The Lion King movie,” he says with a mischievous grin.

“Mufasa, you mean?” Your face lights up for a moment. “But the movie has just been released,” you add, frowning slightly. “We can’t go anywhere.”

“Who said anything about going somewhere?” He wraps one long arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer just before planting a chaste kiss on your temple — a gesture that nearly makes your lungs give out.

Somehow, Satoru always manages to surprise you.

Despite the movie’s exclusive release at cinemas, half an hour later you find yourself watching it. 

Nestled against Satoru under some thicker blankets he brought, the two of you share snacks scattered across your laps. The only light in the infirmary is the soft glow of the film projector casting the movie onto a pristine wall.

Your cheek rests against Satoru’s chest, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat serving as the perfect lullaby to lull you to sleep. On top of that, his long fingers gently scratch your scalp, soothing you further into relaxation.

The moment feels so perfect you almost mistake it for a dream — but no.

Right now, it’s as if the depressive haze that had weighed down both you and Satoru has been blown away, replaced by a fleeting moment of happiness wrapped in the cocoon of this night.

Just like your feelings, the situation between you and Satoru is undefined and confusing. A shared closeness restored, mutual personal care, and a clear attachment to each other.

It seems like friendship, doesn’t it?

But then, why does your hand, resting on your friend’s chest, tremble at the thought of sliding around the back of his neck to pull him closer—close enough for your lips to finally meet his?

Feeling your trembling hand, Satoru shifts his attention away from the movie to look down at you. “Sweetheart?”

Your eyes meet his, drowning in the deep ocean of blue they hold.

With every passing second, you try to speak, to respond, to confess everything. To tell him everything. Yet, with your lips parted, all you can manage is a soft whisper:

“Nothing.”

~~~~

December 25th.

All of Tokyo Jujutsu High has gathered amidst the scents of warm food, the laughter of groups of friends, the unwrapping of gifts, and the feeling of family.

Yet, Satoru feels like something is missing.

This December 25th marks the first Christmas you, Shoko, and Satoru spend without Suguru.

So what’s the point of celebrating? What is Suguru doing right now? Is he spending such a special day all alone?

Alone, outside the school’s festive hall, Satoru stands bundled in a winter coat, snow as white as his hair delicately falling onto his frame. He’s leaning against a wall, as if that simple act could help him stay upright.

His throat tightens.

He wants Suguru back.

But he knows all too well that he won’t have him.

So Satoru doesn’t celebrate Christmas when the one source of his joy has vanished.

Inside the hall, you’re laughing wholeheartedly with a few friends, a glass of champagne in hand and a large scarf draped over your shoulders for warmth.

But amidst the small crowd, the one person who holds your heart is nowhere to be found.

Your smile slowly fades as your eyes frantically scan the room for Satoru. You excuse yourself hastily and begin to search — the hall, the restroom — before finally heading toward the door to the courtyard.

Almost sprinting, you step out into the biting December cold.

And there he is.

With measured steps, you move to stand beside him. He doesn’t budge, even as you gently wipe the dried tears from his face while he sniffles absentmindedly, his nose reddened by the sharp chill.

“Do you believe that he’s thinking of us right now?” Satoru murmurs, his voice rough and low.

“I’m sure of it,” you whisper softly in reply, pulling a tissue from your pocket and holding it to his nose so he can blow. A faint smile tugs at your lips as he thanks you with one last sniffle.

You’re about to put the tissue away when Satoru abruptly but tenderly pulls you into his arms, pressing you firmly against him.

“Satoru?” Your eyes search his, confused, as he leans his face as close to yours as possible, nearly sending your heart into overdrive when his long, slender nose brushes against yours.

“I love you,” he whispers, his tone carrying a small smile.

Those three little words leave you speechless, your lips parted in shock at the confession and the sincerity behind it.

It’s as if your entire being comes alive again, breaking free.

After so long without crying, it only takes those words to bring tears back to the surface. Salty streams trail down your cheeks as your face twists, trying to hold back sobs.

“I love you too,” you cry, your voice trembling all the same.

Satoru, his own smile tinged with fragility, wipes your face just as you did for him. His thumbs gently rub your cheeks in a bittersweet comfort.

And in a synchronized motion, your lips connect, pressing against each other with an intensity that makes your souls whirl like the wind does with the falling snow.

Every time your lips part to end a kiss or catch your breath, you find each other again in the next second, as if eternity had tried to keep you apart. The cold ceases to exist around you; the warmth of your finally united souls is enough to melt the ice that had formed within you since Suguru’s departure.

Reluctantly, you break the kiss to catch your breath, your eyes no longer shining with tears, but with love this time.

Neither of you pulls away from the closeness you share. Your bodies speak for you, the silence between you filled with mutual understanding.

Satoru clears his throat. “Will you stay with me?”

It’s like a wish waiting to be granted.

“Forever.”

tags: @ssetsuka @zara-zara11 @bearwithmoo @elliesndg @lymsfm @mutsu422

@drippymcdrippison @koshhin @v31v3t @wawuwe @cybersomniq @sanemistar

@monokaix @moonlitwitchdaisy

a/n: hello everyone :)) this fic was special to write thh. it’s the one that came out of an episode of impostor syndrome where i just wrote without thinking. i’d been wanting to write angst about satoru for a loooong time, so here it is :) (why do i secretly hope i’ve made all of you cry?). anyway, we can finally breathe after big exams! i’ve never looked forward to the christmas vacations as much as this year, lmao. take care of your little faces <3

reblogs, likes and comments are always appreciated <3

[sturnswrites]

guarded hearts - pt.8

fratboy!chris x fem!reader

⤳ you meet chris while working on a class project, your personalities are very different but chris is determined to get you out of your shell.

⤳ resolving angst, fluff

----------------------------------------------------------------

The silence after Chris leaves your apartment is deafening. The door clicking shut feels final, like a chapter of your life closing. You don’t move from the bed for a long time, staring at the spot where he stood just moments ago. His voice, his pleading eyes—they’re burned into your memory, and no matter how much you want to push them away, you can’t.

You should feel relieved. You stood my ground. You told him to leave. But the second he walked out that door, the loneliness crept back in, stronger and heavier than before.

The nights that follow are endless. You toss and turn, the empty space next to you a cruel reminder of how many nights he stayed, holding you close, whispering things that made you believe you were safe with him. Now, the silence is unbearable, stretching across the room and settling in your chest like a weight you can’t shake.

You cry more than you want to admit. To yourself, to anyone. Your roommates try to distract you, dragging you out for coffee or insisting on movie nights, but nothing fills the void. Every time your phone buzzes, you hope it’s him—even though you were the one who told him to leave.

-

Chris’s Point of View

Leaving her room was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Every instinct screamed at me to stay, to keep begging her to let me fix this, to hold her until she believed I wouldn’t leave again. But the pain in her voice, the way her body was stiff even as she cried—it told me everything I needed to know. I had broken her.

The walk back to my apartment feels endless. My chest is tight, my hands trembling as I unlock the door and step into the darkness. I don’t bother turning on the lights; the darkness feels appropriate. I collapse on the couch, staring at the ceiling, her words replaying in my head like a broken record.

“You broke me, Chris.”

I should’ve known this would happen. I thought I was doing the right thing by pulling back, by trying to protect her from me. But instead, I became the exact thing I was afraid of—a source of pain in her life.

The days blur together. I barely leave my apartment, ignoring texts from my friends, dodging questions about why I haven’t been at parties. The only thing I can think about is her—what she’s doing, if she’s okay, if she’s as miserable as I am.

-

It takes you days to muster the courage to even think about seeing him again. The hurt is still fresh, raw, but beneath it, there’s something else—an ache that won’t go away, a pull you can’t ignore.

You tell yourself you’re stupid, that you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak all over again. But no matter how much you try to convince yourself to let him go, you can’t.

When you finally decide to go to his apartment, your hands are shaking the entire walk there. Your mind is racing, every step filled with doubt and second-guessing. What if he slams the door in my face? What if he’s done with me? What if I’m making a mistake?

Before you can chicken out, you knock. The sound echoes in the quiet hallway, and your heart pounds as you wait.

The door opens, and there he is—Chris, looking just as wrecked as you feel. His hair is messy, his eyes tired, and for a moment, he just stares at you, like he can’t believe you’re standing here.

“Y/N,” he says softly, his voice hoarse.

“I—can I come in?” you ask, your voice trembling.

He nods immediately, stepping aside to let you in.

The apartment is dim, cluttered in a way that screams he’s been neglecting everything. Empty takeout containers sit on the counter, and a blanket is haphazardly thrown on the couch. The sight of it tugs at something inside you, a reminder that you’re not the only one who’s been falling apart.

You stand awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure where to start. The air between you two is heavy, filled with everything left unsaid.

“What are you doing here?” he asks again, his voice softer this time.

You let out a shaky breath, staring at the floor. “I don’t know,” you admit. “I’ve been trying to figure that out since I knocked on your door.”

Chris doesn’t say anything, and the silence stretches. It’s unbearable, like it might crush you if you don’t fill it.

“I thought I could move on,” you say, your voice trembling. “I thought if I stayed away long enough, it wouldn’t hurt so much. But it hasn’t stopped hurting, Chris. It just keeps getting worse.”

You glance up at him, and the look on his face—hopeful, broken, desperate—makes your chest tighten.

“Y/N…”

“No, let me finish,” you interrupt, holding up a hand. “I don’t know if this is a mistake. I don’t know if I’m setting myself up to get hurt again. But being without you—it’s killing me.”

His expression crumples, and he steps closer, his hands twitching at his sides like he wants to reach for you but isn’t sure if he’s allowed. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?” he asks, his voice breaking. “Every second of every day, Y/N. I’ve missed you so much it feels like I can’t breathe.”

You swallow hard, tears stinging your eyes. “Then why did you leave? Why did you make me feel like I wasn’t good enough? Like I wasn’t worth staying for?”

Chris flinches like you’ve slapped him, his face twisting in pain. “I was scared,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was so scared of messing things up, of hurting you, that I did the one thing I promised myself I’d never do. I hurt you anyway.”

“Yeah, you did,” you say, your voice cracking. “You hurt me more than anyone else ever has, Chris. Because I trusted you. I let you in, and you left.”

“I know,” he says, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “I know, and I hate myself for it. But I’m here now, Y/N. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. If you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that you can trust me again.”

You stare at him, your heart aching at the raw vulnerability in his voice. “How am I supposed to believe that, Chris? How am I supposed to believe you won’t leave again the second things get hard?”

“You don’t have to believe me right now,” he says, stepping closer. “But let me show you. Let me prove it. Because I can’t lose you again, Y/N. I can’t.”

The tears spill over before you can stop them, and you wipe at your face angrily, hating how exposed you feel. “You broke me, Chris,” you whisper. “I don’t know if I can put myself back together for you.”

Chris’s voice breaks as he replies, “You don’t have to put yourself back together alone. Let me help you. Please, Y/N.”

You close your eyes, the weight of his words pressing down on you. Every instinct screams at you to protect yourself, to run before you get hurt again. But there’s a small, fragile part of you that wants to believe him. That wants to believe you can find your way back to each other.

“I’m scared,” you admit, your voice trembling. “I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m scared of putting my trust in you and having it break me all over again. But being without you… it hurts more than the fear. It hurts more than anything.”

Chris moves closer, his hands reaching for yours but stopping just short, like he’s afraid you’ll pull away. “Y/N,” he whispers, his voice thick with emotion. “I’ll never hurt you again. I swear. I know I messed up, and I know I don’t deserve this, but if you let me try—if you let me prove myself—I’ll spend every day showing you that you can trust me.”

His words wash over you, and for the first time in weeks, the tightness in your chest eases just a little.

“You have to mean it, Chris,” you say, your voice firm despite the tears in your eyes. “I can’t go through this again. I can’t handle it if you change your mind or decide I’m not worth it.”

“You are worth it,” he says immediately, his voice breaking. “You’ve always been worth it. I was just too stupid to see that I was pushing away the best thing in my life. But I see it now, Y/N. And I’m not going to mess this up again.”

You stare at him, searching his face for any sign of doubt, any hint that he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. But all you see is sincerity, raw and unfiltered.

“Okay,” you whisper finally, your voice barely audible.

“Okay?” he asks, his eyes wide.

“Okay,” you repeat, nodding. “But this is your last chance, Chris. If you break my heart again, that’s it.”

He doesn’t hesitate. “I won’t,” he promises, his voice steady. “I won’t.”

When he pulls you into his arms, you let yourself believe him. Just this once, you let yourself hope.

-

Rebuilding with Chris feels like learning to walk again—hesitant, unsteady, but full of determination. Every step forward is deliberate, built on a foundation of late-night conversations and whispered reassurances.

He’s patient with you, more than you ever expected. There’s no rush, no pressure, just quiet understanding. The first time you hold hands again, it’s during a walk through the park. His fingers intertwined with yours, warm and steady, and for the first time in a long time, you feel safe.

You spend nights talking until dawn, the words spilling out like they’ve been trapped for too long. Chris tells you stories from his childhood, his biggest fears, his dreams. You open up about your past, the parts of you you’ve always been afraid to share. He listens without judgment, his eyes soft and full of something you’re still learning to trust.

One night, the two of you make pancakes in your kitchen. They’re a disaster—burnt on one side and raw on the other—but Chris laughs so hard he almost drops the pan. “I think we’ve discovered a new low for culinary arts,” he says, grinning as he flips the pancake onto the counter instead of the plate.

You laugh too, the sound surprising even you. It feels good—light, unburdened.

“Maybe we should stick to cereal,” you reply, leaning against the counter.

He smirks, sliding an arm around your waist. “Or we could just keep burning pancakes together. Could be our thing.”

The intimacy of the moment makes your heart ache in the best way.

-

A few weeks later, Chris invites you to a party at his frat. This time, you feel different walking into the crowded house. His hand rests on the small of your back, steady and sure, guiding you through the chaos.

The music is loud, and the room is packed, but Chris stays close, always keeping you within arm’s reach. At one point, he leans down, his breath warm against your ear. “You doing okay?”

You nod, smiling up at him. “Yeah, I’m good.”

You both make your way to the kitchen, where his friends are gathered around the makeshift bar. Chris greets them with his usual charm, his confidence infectious. But when he introduces you, there’s something different in his tone.

“This is Y/N,” he says, his arm slipping around my shoulders. He looks at you like you’re the only person in the room. “My girlfriend.”

The word sends a rush of warmth through you, and you can’t help but smile. His friends greet you warmly, their jokes lighthearted and teasing. But it’s Chris’s hand in yours, his thumb brushing against your skin, that keeps me grounded.

Later, you both find a quieter corner of the house, away from the noise. Chris pulls you onto a worn couch, his arm draped over your shoulders. You sit there for a while, talking and laughing like it’s just the two of you.

“Did you ever think we’d get here?” you ask, your voice soft.

Chris tilts his head, his eyes meeting yours. “I hoped. Even when I thought I’d messed everything up, I hoped. I didn’t want to lose you, Y/N.”

You reach for his hand, squeezing it gently. “You almost did.”

He nods, his expression serious. “I know. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure I never come close to that again.”

For the first time, you believe him completely.

As the night winds down, Chris leans in, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. The warmth of it settles deep in your chest, a reminder that maybe, just maybe, some risks are worth taking.

And as you leave the party together, his hand in yours, you know we’re not just rebuilding. You’re creating something entirely new. Something strong. Something real. Something worth guarding.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This is the last chapter! Ah I love the two of them so much and a little happy ending 

⭒ margot

@mattsdillon @hesvoid3434 @admeliora94  @sofia-is-a-sturniolo-triplet-fan

[tookishcombeferre]

I think this is a great point. I totally think Cedric is protecting Sofia to get her out of the way in that scene. I think he was afraid for her safety. This plays into a lot of the way I understand Cedric and Grimtrix’s relationship.

I, personally, think Cedric is afraid of Grimtrix even as far back as the Hexley Hall episode. In the Hexley Hall episode, he’s friendly enough with Grimtrix in the beginning of the episode when they first start talking to each other. However, we also know that Cedric doesn’t like him based on what he says to Sofia when they’re first arriving. Cedric claims this is because of Grimtrix’s title “the good.” Yet, we know there are at least a handful of “good” aligned sorcerers Cedric loves. (Merlin of course is a big one.)

Therefore, is it that Cedric doesn’t like Grimtrix because he feels like the title of “the good” is a misnomer? Is there a reason for his lack of trust in Grimtrix’s goodness? Is Cedric aware of some kind of underlying hypocrisy? The world can only supply head canons because we never get an actual answer. My personal feeling is that Grimtrix has always given Cedric bad vibes, and the idea of this guy being called “good” is just laughable.

Regardless of what Cedric knew or didn’t know during the Hexley Hall episode, he *certainly* knows that Grimtrix is dangerous and to be feared by DotS. Thus, getting Sofia out of there is a high priority.

Another thing I like to think is that Cedric might have wanted to *be* stopped. He asks her to gather people to stop this takeover. He knows who’s there. He knows those people are powerful and totally capable of stopping them. You really mean to tell me that Merlin was there and Cedric didn’t know? He wanted to be stopped. I really, truly believe that. He wanted to make a point. But, it was about making a point. He needed Roland to hear him and this was the way to be heard.

Therefore, I also think that Cedric is far more capable of seeing nuance than Wormwood. Wormwood, being a bird, has a one track mind. He is like “this is what we’ve wanted, worked for, and potentially needed since our youth - you are NOT throwing this away over a potential opportunity to get what you deserve. She’s ten years old. Putting all our faith in her is totally unwise because she has no power.”

Whereas, Cedric, being human, sees that finally having human connection has been a miracle unto itself. He’s got to pass down the lessons his favorite teacher taught him. He has got to laugh. He has got to experience joy. He has got to love. He has got to feel paternal. He has got to teach. He has got to experience emotions he never thought he would have to opportunity to experience because of the connections he has made through Sofia. He sees the potential. But, in the end, the hurt still runs too deep. He’s not out of it yet. But, it comes back to the fact that, I don’t think he wanted anything more than to be heard.

Cedric was making a very loud and aggressive point with every thought that the “good sorcerers” were going to stop them, and he was just screaming very loudly into the void. But this time? At least someone other than the four walls of his tower were going to hear him.

In 'Day of the Sorcerers', when Sofia secretly got Cedric's attention during the Order of the Wand's meeting and pulled him out of the room, expressing horror for what she overheard Grimtrix plotting, Cedric distracted Sofia by fibbing that he intended to stall Grimtrix and the rest of them, and told Sofia to fetch all the good sorcerers to stop the Order.

After she left, Wormwood (disgusted by how much Cedric's grown to care so much about Sofia, especially now that he was closer to taking over Enchancia than ever before) smacks Cedric upside the head and tells him he can't let Sofia ruin a perfectly good wicked plan. Cedric snaps back at Wormwood that he only said all that to Sofia to get her to leave.

And that was true. But here's something that didn't get brought up in the episode, and something I don't see brought up in the fandom. I think the main reason he distracted Sofia like that and sent her away was not only so she wouldn't find out he was going to take over Enchancia (or at least considering it at the time) and have her heart broken, but also to protect her. Because if Grimtrix and the Order discovered the princess snooping around there, especially if they knew she overheard their plans to conquer all the kingdoms and control the world, they wouldn't have hesitated to freeze her with their Medusa Stones (like they were going to do to all the royals anyway).

@mushroomsie224 @sweetmariihs2 @bettathanyou @fantadym @cedric-my-beloved @anticedfiaweek @tookishcombeferre

[benoits-neckerchieves]

I just can’t be normal about him skjfkghsf

[champagns]

i can’t get my pinned post formatted how i like i’m about to fling my laptop off a cliff

[zolo-san]

my brain is actively rotting right now

pls send help

[enbytrees]

Sometimes I get so carried away observing everything going on around me that I forget I’m a part of the things I’m experiencing.

Maybe it’s because I disassociate so much or maybe it’s because my self image is all fucked up from being trans, but whatever it is I somehow forget that other people have memories with me in them.

I think it’s because I’m non-binary honestly I’ve never really felt like I truly fit in anywhere, like the communities I’m a part of are somehow everyone else’s and I’m just there or something.

I don’t know why my brain is like this.

[jojosgaylittleadventure]

.

[dragonsareverycool]

The figure turned to look at Damian and seemed to freeze before its form shifted, rings of light covering it as it did. When the rings faded, there they floated with white hair that moved like it was uneffected by gravity and was moved by wind that wasn’t there. Freckles that looked like stars covered the beings skin, tanned but washed out and ashen, like a corpse. Wide, expressionless eyes that glowed a bright eeire green. Despite this, Damian recognized that face. He recognized that expression too. Despite looking like Tim’s dead eyed stare to most anyone else, Damian knew the expression as one of surprise, of shock. And that face was almost identical to the one in his nightmares of the worst day of his life. He knew that face every time he glanced in a mirror.

“Danyal” he said softly, his own face almost certainly in an identical expression. Despite the distance and chaos between them, Damian was certain Danyal heard him, as Danyal perked up a bit. Then, his form seemed to glitch, colors distorting as his body twitched and part of his body seemed to disappear for a moment. Then, he seemed to fade into nothing, leaving Damian to start panicking. He worried that he had just lost Danyal again.

Then he reappeared startlingly close, putting his hand on Damian’s chest “Here,” he said, the difference in how he spoke compared to Damian achingly familiar, “A drop of your blood and an offering of food if you’re feeling nice. Call my name, it may take a moment but I will appear” he removed his hand, and a piece of neon green glowing paper with strange symbols on it floated after Danyal’s hand before Damian caught it. Danyal’s form glitched again, harder, and his face set in a grimace before he faded into invisibility again.

Fun fact! Sometimes when the grief got bad enough, Damian would mimic how Danny talked and would recite stories about constellations like Danny did. He took many, many precautions to make sure that no one, not even Talia knows that he’s done this. Only Alfred the cat and maybe Alfred the Human knows, and neither will speak a word to anyone about it.

[the-bi-space-ace]

Why is Echo so important to me?

It's simple really: he is everything I want to be.

Life has a way of giving you pain you don't deserve. Sometimes people hurt you and they do so on purpose because they don't really see you as a person. They see you as a possession to be played with. A toy, if you will. Some people choose to hurt others and it can happen to anyone at any time. It doesn't matter how 'good' you are.

Echo is the ‘perfect soldier’. He's strong, brave, he follows orders, he's smart, he's loyal, he's hard working, but above all: he's kind. He wants to do the right thing. And still, he was put through torture, autonomy taken away and body changed against his will. His mind was stolen from him. No one cared about how 'good' he was.

They hurt him because they could.

This experience changed him but he is still Echo. He's still brave, he's still strong, he's still loyal and kind and all of the things that make Echo Echo. His imprisonment came with changes, physically and mentally. Outbursts when confronted with medical equipment, discomfort in solitude, a stronger distrust of Separatists, and an even stronger connection to people being mistreated or held against their will. I'm sure with that came a lot of anger, resentment, confusion. He's still him but things are different now.

Things are different and he knows that. He knows but he keeps going anyway. His heart is still kind. He's still strong and true and he still wants to do the right thing.

He was hurt, and he was hurt on purpose, but he chooses not to lead with that hurt. He chooses every single day to still be kind. His heart is still big, it's still open, he's still him.

There's something about it, ya know? Being put through the unimaginable and coming out of it bruised and bloody but still kind. There is nothing wrong with being angry, and I'm sure Echo is angry, but that anger can't be an excuse to do the same hurt to others that was done to you. Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard.

At the core of it I think that's why I love him so much. He suffered, he lives despite the suffering, and he doesn't allow his own pain to be a catalyst to harm others. He doesn't let the pain stop him. Things are different, life is different, he is different, but it doesn't ever stop him.

He's everything I want to be. He's the kind of person I wish I was. He's selfless and kindhearted. He's steadfast and brave, stubborn as all hell. He's loyal, the kind of loyal you only see every once in awhile. The kind of loyal that sticks with you. He's a promise that hardship doesn't define you. That you are not a carbon copy of those that harmed you. That you are not less than because of things that other people put you through. Your life may be different than it was before but that doesn't make you wrong or less than.

Maybe, if Echo can be brave, then I can be brave too.

[areyoudreaminof]

some word salad behind the cut

I never thought I’d ever get into writing. My self esteem is so minimal it’s nearly non existent, so I had never bothered to try. But I started writing last year and found I was enjoying it. I made grand plans to write more until I didn’t.

My passion became my poison, suddenly.

As I scrolled through endless fics and writers much more talented than I am, my anxiety perched itself on my shoulder like a crow and squawked in my ear.

“The shit you’re putting out? No wonder nobody is reading it. You’re writing boring stuff. Who gives a fuck about kids and one shots?” It would say. I’d reply that I didn’t want to write smut. I don’t like doing it and it felt silly.

“So why are you writing at all?” Anxiety Crow said, “That’s what people want. And you can’t even do that.”

It came to a head right before Elucien Week. Last year, I wrote three fics I am still immensely proud of. One of which opened a door for me with the first Next Gen characters I came up with. I had assumed that I’d have something else lined up for this year's Elucien Week.

But in that year, I had a lot of personal changes and mental health challenges that weren’t getting better. I made the mistake of starting a long fic and it became this beast that I couldn’t tame. Even one shots and snippets became a chore. I’d have to force myself to finish a chapter, to try and translate the images I saw in my head to paper, but it wasn’t working. This coincided with my depression peaking in early 2024, in which I got suicidal and had to seek help.

By January, I’d gotten more frustrated with my writing, by June, I despised writing in its entirety. Three days before Elucien Week was due to begin, I hovered my mouse over DELETE ACCOUNT on AO3 and nearly trashed a year worth of work. I decided to take a step back to clear my head and to put a stop to this toxic competition I had with myself. I didn’t want to lose the hobby I’d grown to love and destroy the new friendships I’d made. I was absolutely terrified of losing those wonderful friends I’ve made and I felt so guilty and angry at myself for fumbling the bag and not writing anything.

I can’t even tell you why I obsessed over it, I may never go back to writing at all, but the weight of that self hatred has eased up from my chest. It’s not eating me alive anymore. That’s not to say it’s gone of course. Just the other day I had another major moment of doubt, and nearly trashed everything, again. I’m trying to parse through my own mind constantly to sort out my own spirals and triggers. Some days it’s working, others it’s not.

I think I’m now telling you about it, because I’m sure you’re feeling it too. People reached out to me to check on me when I left and others to let me know they were having the same problems. The feelings of inferiority among fandom, the nagging expectations we placed on ourselves. Never mind any of the challenges we face in our daily lives. What’s the worth of my mental health and happiness and why the fuck do I keep measuring it like this?

Whatever comes of this break, I hope that all of us can find our self worth, wherever it is. I see so many incredible artists, writers, and people that inspire me to want to keep going. If you’re reading this, you’re one of them.

Take a breath and take a break. We’ll figure it out.

[dead-chela]

I HAVE SUCH STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS CHAPTER FROM TRIGUN MULTIPLE BULLETS OHHHHHHH MY GODDDDDD WDYM THERES A FUCKING STORY BOOK OF THE FUCKING TRIGUN PLOT AND AND AND MILLY READS IT AND AND-

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

casually spending the evening breaking my own heart by writing a baby milex france fic

[fuckyeah-bears]

Well I guess the good news is that the mental illness has been conquered to the point that I can have awful things happen and not actively want to die as my first response. at least there’s fucking that

[astrobei]

ARGEGGHHFHHHDBBGGNGNBBBNFNSNDNGNN

[glitchyghoul]

Undertale x Danny Phantom (because I’m internet trash)

Frisk finally finishes their last True Pacifist run and is ready for another True Reset when the world starts to glitch. The next second they look back and the button is gone and the town looks a bit different than it did a moment ago.

Team Phantom is so over impromptu time travel. They aren’t even sure if this is the 4th or 5th time they have been displaced by time shenanigans but they were really hoping that after staring Dan and Vlad’s redemption arcs (and also accidentally destroying the multiverse but who cares about that) that their storylines would at least stay linear. But no, now there are on the run again and Vlad is back to being no help when it comes to hiding from the police (I mean GIW). Well at least Wulf has been nice and has been giving them wilderness survival training on the weekends so the four of them can definitely survive by themselves on this world’s conveniently placed mountain range. I mean it’s not like they are some little kids who are scared of monsters Danny is a ghost for crying out loud! There’s no way they’ll get lost on Mt. Ebott right?