#don’t get me wrong him and Dean both have accounts bc. they can see posts ab demons and shit

[threefuckencrowsinaleatherjacket]

I’m never gonna get over the guy in s3e15 who, when asked if he wanted to catch the guy who stole his kidney, asked if it would get him his kidney back and when he was told no decided he didn’t care that much ab catching the guy bc what’s the point

[tanoraqui]

okay I have to do this today because even I wouldn’t do it after the godforsaken finale airs, and it’s basically my specialty and I did spend like an hour thinking about it last night while washing dishes. Definitely partly inspired by @words-writ-in-starlight​‘s insightful post on everything Supernatural did wrong, and apologies in advance to all the characters for dragging them into anything related to Christian mythology:

Wei Wuxian’s parents die in a house fire when he’s 6(? I refuse to look anything up) months old

Jiangs are a hunter family I guess? That whole disaster of a family dynamic, except WWX dips out at some point to be idk an environmental activist bc at the time, that seems like the larger threat to the whole world. “Mom and Dad went on a hunting trip and they haven’t come back”, “bitch” “jerk”, 2 brothers in a beat-up old car, you know the drill

Jins are also an old hunting family, but more Men of Letters energy - they have a fancy bunker and do research and avoid getting their actual hands dirty. Jiang Yanli ducked out of the active hunting life a few years ago to be happily married to her peacock and settled down with a baby and she’s fine. We’re not going to bother Yanli. She’s safe and happy and doesn’t need to involved in any of this

so, WWX is the demon blood child developing exciting new abilities like telekinesis, mind control, exorcising demons by sheer force of will...etc, and Jiang Cheng is the Righteous Man. Lucifer, Michael, etc.

s1-3 probably proceeds more or less as spn canon...which I more or less remember...by the time they find their parents at the end of s1, Jiang Fengmian is...ugh, we probably shouldn’t kill him offscreen, I mean, we should probably meet him before he dies. I guess. Madam Yu lasts longer because I’m way more interested in her. But we do know that both Jiang parents are totally inclined to fling the boys into a metaphorical or literal escape boat and go hold the line for as long as possible, so...that’s spn energy...

Xue Yang is the one who’s like “fuck yeah, demon powers” and opens the gates of Hell, because I want him to have nice* things

*nice for Xue Yang

from characterization rather than memory, I’m 90% sure that Dean tried to hide his crossroads deal from Sam, but Jiang Cheng does it...better. I think it does come out, though. Right before the hellhounds do.

here’s where it starts to go farther off from spn canon. Jiang Cheng crawls his way out of the grave, gets stalked by a menacing presence that explodes windows for an episode, incidentally can’t find WWX...*Lan Wangji voice* “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition” (a baller line then and a baller line now)...and then the next episode starts with them all awkwardly standing around, and JC is like, “ok well let’s go find my brother then”, and you think there’s going to be an mdzs-riffing JC+LWJ Roadtrip To Find WWX...and they’re immediately attacked by like a dozen demons

in fact, the first time we see WWX in s4 is here, wherein he goes toe to toe with an angel and...holds his own. that’s new and terrifying! also is leading a squad of demons??

because here’s the thing: for the last 3(?) months, there’s been war in hell

because unlike Some People Mooses, upon finding out that his brother’s soul was legally nearly-owned by a crossroads demon, heir-apparent-to-Satan!WWX went, “actually fuck that” and kicked open the door of Hell (metaphorically, not loosing any demons this time) and was like, “who do I have to beat the shit out of to get a specific crossroads contract around here”

this did not work, obv. He didn’t know until it was too late, Lilith had already snapped up the contract, etc. etc.

obviously he also tried to offer himself instead, and got rejected for some reason

Since Jiang Cheng died, however, there’s been a war for control of Hell. Leading one side, Lilith, the Original Babe, who wants to break all 666(?) seals keeping Lucifer bound and in the meantime, break the Righteous Man so Heaven won’t even have Michael’s destined host ready for the Final Battle. Leading the other side, Wei Wuxian, infamous upstart, who wants to rescue the Righteous Man and restore him to life, tear Lilith’s guts out through her nose, and also stop her from doing the Lucifer thing because Wen Qing explained that yes, that’s a Thing, and it’s Bad.

Wen Qing! I’ve decided to combine Bela and Ruby’s roles and let WQ be both the cool badass example of how demon deals can go Bad and the demon deliberately leading our heroes astray for most of s3-4. Wen Qing is a very new demon; she used to be some sort of herbalist/witch but then she sold her soul in a crossroads deal to cure her brother of some lingering illness. 10 years of happiness and then boom, hellhounds. WQ is so obviously competent, though, that they (Lilith, I guess?) immediately offers her a job, with the promise threat that gee, that’s a nice brother you’ve got there, even with his Designated Chronic Health Condition getting all relapse-y. It’d be such a shame if something were to...happen to him...

we find this out at some point in last s3 I guess? some Monster of the Week case involves WN as a witness or something, or possible next victim, and WQ shows up to be A Normal Amount Of Invested In This, while desperately trying to avoid actually interacting with her brother (who thinks she’s dead). YES, the truth comes out; YES there’s a tearful reunion

now in s4, Wen Ning is fine actually, health-wise, bc he maybe made a crossroads deal with Wei Wuxian personally, and Wen Qing may or may not have admitted that she’s supposed to be working for Lilith to get WWX ready to host Lucifer? Or potentially that comes out later, idk. Either way, she’s 100% his top lieutenant in this exciting Hell War they’re waging

[insert whatever the hell (ha) happened plot-wise in s4 of supernatural]

we obviously mix up the relationships, too, bc it’s like, *LWJ internal monologue* I’m too young to remember my brother Lucifer as he was before he Fell, but surely Wei Wuxian is his Heir and Destined Vessel in truth, for he is Charismatic and Charming and Makes Me Feel Things, with his Clearly Feigned Righteous Drive and Compassion for All God’s Creatures and - why does heat keep pooling in the lower abdomen of my vessel when I look at his lips, which I am definitely doing a Normal and Not-Weird Amount - I’m just keeping an eye out for the famed Silver Tongue, and not in any way wondering how it would feel in my own mouth -

it’s actually DEFINITELY plausible for Lucifer to still be released even if our designated Heir Apparent is using his demon powers to his full potential and no one’s lying to each other about their motives. You just need to let Lilith be more scary too, and especially bc by “no one” I mostly mean Wen Qing; the angels are still totally hiding the fact that they, too, want to jumpstart the shit out of this apocalypse.  LWJ decides at the last minute that that’s a bad idea actually, gets himself discorporated to send JC to intercept WWX because he accidentally releases Lucifer, etc. etc. Oh yeah, the boys were def fighting before this, bc JC has actually fairly reasonable concerns about the sort of things WWX is getting up to in his quest to become King of Hell...

SO

...I neither know nor care what happens in s5

it does end with both Lucifer and Michael locked in the cage probably, bc I rather liked that solution. Fuck both of ‘em, basically.

I was toying with the idea that WWX also found Madam Yu in whatever hellish torment she was suffering after making a deal so her idiot son(s) would survive, and she was leading forces for him in the war against Lilith as well. If she came back to life somehow, body and all, it’d probably be compelling if she offered her own body to Michael - bc it’s her lineage! - and we’re all led to believe that she’s, uh, being a bitch and actually wants to risk destroying the world in order to destroy all demons...but then she seizes back control and flings herself/Michael and Lucifer into the Pit, because she’s just That Hardcore?

which means we’d actually have had her around and having characterization for most of s4-5, too, which would be fun

More importantly, it ends with newly crowned King of Hell Wei Wuxian appointing Wen Qing as Queen-Regent and ditching to go on an indefinite honeymoon with his new angel boyfriend (they’re going to fuck for like three weeks straight, then roll up their sleeves and go conquer Heaven in the name of free will), and Jiang Cheng gets to live out his hitherto-unknown-to-himself life’s ambition to be the sugar baby of the Queen of Hell. It’s very Hades/Persephone, except he goes back down to the underworld at least once a month. He gets his own demon squad whom he trains up in all the hunting techniques and it’s gr9. Wen Qing is reforming the crossroads deal process to make it more fair to the humans.

the end

Addenda:

it should go without saying but Jiang Yanli is definitely a recurring character, like, at least once a season there’s a filler episode where they go to Jiang Yanli’s for dinner and have to get along as a family, and also do the much easier job of defeating some sort of terrible demon that gets loose in the bunker and turns the evening into a horror movie. She’s their main research/emotional check-in person, a la Bobby, more often appearing in later seasons when there’s, uhhh, more to emotionally check in about.

Jin Zixuan is actually a perfectly competent hunter; he’s just a priss and we don’t Like him

we like Mianmian, though. Oh, I guess the official Hunter’s Guild or w/e tries to declare WWX a public enemy on account of the whole “King of Hell” thing and she’s like “actually what if you’re morons and assholes?” and joins hte team in s4 or 5? Yeah.

idk how the 3zun disaster happens in this ‘verse but I do encourage it to be happening in slow motion as a recurring subplot for several seasons. NMJ is a hunter, LXC is obv an angel, and JGY is...I wanna say one of the more human monsters, like a vampire? Or, you know, something that could be born from JGS sleeping with someone/something he shouldn’t have

[purpleparrot]

ok i’m gonna do a post on the bachelorette bios under a read more bc its long as h*ck

Adam, 27, real estate agent. Gains points for listing his most embarrassing moment as telling his mom he was going on the bachelorette (submit an application for any reality show and you have answer to that question for the rest of you life) and immediately loses them for saying his favorite actor is “jennifer lawrence because she’s every girl’s goal” (three years ago this would have been true but not now my guy) and saying a threesome is the most romantic gift he’s ever received.

Alex, 28, information systems supervisor. Says the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is eat a live salamander (um?) and lists the rock as his favorite artist (um????). Also says the most romantic present he’s ever given is a car which was probably very awkward when the relationship ended.

Anthony, 26, education software manager. Describes emotional intelligence as one of his best attributes so if things don’t work out with Rachel he’d be a great match for Taylor from Nick’s season. Also says that he has “virtually no limits in the bedroom once the connection is there” and honestly its just weird that they asked some of them that question (like I’d answer that question for the entire internet to read)

Blake E., 31, “Aspiring Drummer” says that the most outrageous thing hes ever done is get engaged to a “crazy girl” then calls himself a “classic gentleman” two questions later. Also wants to watch the new 50 Shades movie because he loves “taboo sexy stuff”. Was engaged for 48 hours which is probably about 24 hours more than he’ll last on the bachelorette. Hates when his date talks about her cats, so Taylor Swift is basically his worst nightmare. Also doesn’t think parking ticket people have souls, which is honestly the most redeeming answer of the bunch.

Blake K, 29, U.S, Marine Veteran. Would want to be the Rock for a day because “he’s the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack”. Says that roses are his favorite flower, which I’m 99% sure is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Says he won’t wrestle a crocodile or eat monkey brains for love, and mostly seems too normal for this show.

Brady, 29, Male Model. Says that tackling snowmen is something he does for fun in his hometown (um? fingers crossed he makes it to hometowns so we can see how exactly that works) and says Lululemon sweatpants are the most romantic gifts he’s ever received, which is slightly (okay a lot) more normal than threesome. Says the the Situation from Jersey Shore is the person he dislikes the most in the world, making me think about that show for the first time in at least three years. (Also, does he remined me a little bit of Robby from Jojo’s season appearance-wise?)

Bryce, 37, Chiropractor. Kind of looks like Chase from Jojo’s season (to me at least). Lists like seven things when asked for his three best attributes, so apparently has some trouble with numbers. Also says the Bachelor/Bachelorette is one of his favorite TV shows because he’s “fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman” (please no one watches this show for the love story, you watch for the drama and you know it) has also had balcony sex? (idk what to do with that information)

Bryce, 30, firefighter. All of his answers are oddly poetic? Describes himself as a “laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die”. Looking for someone with “eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun”. Says he’s “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning”. I’d put money on him reading Rachel some 9th grade English poem the first night. Describes his dream job as a professional Instagrammer which he’s definitely in the right place for with all the Fittea and teeth whitening stuff everyone who goes on this show seems to sell.

Dean, 26, startup recruiter. Has a lip tattoo? (It says righteous, I know you were dying to know. Thinks marriage is an “institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs” so he’ll fit in perfectly on a show where the end goal is getting engaged!

DeMario, 30, executive recruiter. Scores points for referencing Britney Spears not once but twice, saying he loves attention but not like 2007 Britney, like when she and Justin Timberlake wore those denim outfits. Wants to have a pet lion and name it “Denzel the lion”, Doesn’t have any phobias, which I’m sure made the produces frown and cross his name off potential candidates for those dates they always have where they skydive or something and they’re both really freaked out and have to comfort each other. Earns more points by saying that the most romantic gift he’s ever given is tickets to a Beyonce and Jay-Z concert.

Diggy, 31, senior inventory analyst. Spends Saturday nights trying to recover from day drinking (he and Corinne would get along great if Rachel doesn’t pick him!) Once pretended to be asleep so he didn’t have to help a girl find her brother after a one night stand.

Eric, 29, personal trainer. Rachel seems like she was digging him on the ATFR when she men some of her guys. If he could be anyone for a day, he’d be Tony Robbins, which is a name I had to Google and according to Wikipedia he is a    “MLM advocate, businessman, and author”. Says green juice is his favorite drink, so I’m sure he’ll be fine in the bachelor house where it seems like all they have to drink is champagne. Not to go all avril-lavigne-is-dead-and-was-replaced-by-a-clone conspiracy theorist but if he could go anywhere in the U.S. it would be New Orleans, which is where Rachel had her one-on-one with Nick.

Fred, 27, Executive Assistant. Admits to the entire Internet that he sometimes gets aroused at work. This isn’t in his bio but in the preview for the season it says that he and Rachel went to elementary school together and he has apparently had a “lifelong fascination” with her ever since which is a lil weird to me. Like I doubt I could pick someone I went to elementary school with out of a lineup much less recognize them on TV nearly 20 years later.

Grant, 29, emergency medicine physician (!). Would like to be President of the United States for a day, which would honestly probably be better than Donald Trump (I mean, they have about the same amount of experience). Lists Playboy as his favorite magazine with a ;) face. Makes a lame “A see food diet. I see food I eat it” when asked about eating habits, so I’m expecting him to open with an equally lame joke when he meets Rachel.

Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO. Idk if ABC made a typo or what, but if not he lists his best and worst attributes as the same traits (Truly a double edged sword). If stranded on a dessert island he would want it to be a banana float (haha) (Also thats a really stupid question anyway-ABC if you need someone else to write these I’m available)

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney (!). First, why is his whole name on the website? Usually its just their last initial, and that’s only if there’s two people with the same name. Which isn’t the case here so @ ABC wyd. Is an attorney like Rachel, and has been the only one so far smart enough to plead the fifth on the bedroom question. Two of his worst attributes are “hard on myself, anxious” which is very #relatable. Says tulips are his favorite flower because they’re like roses without thorns.

Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive. Answers the question “where do you see yourself in five years” with “I am trying not to make plans right now” which is also very #relatable. I should bust that one out at my next job interview. Says his ideal mate looks like a model (we all wish) and responds “I do not have any female friends” to “describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title”.

Jedidiah, 35, ER Physician (!). Previously owned dogs that were over 1/2 wolf, which is slightly terrifying. Likes wild flowers that grow above high altitudes. Has had sex on a glacier which just sounds like a bad idea, frostbite and all that. Likes nice pens (don’t we all), clashing slightly with his outdoorsy image.

Jonathan, 31, “Tickle Monster”. Anyone identifying themselves as a tickle monster would be cut immediately if I were Rachel. They wouldn’t even make it inside the mansion. I hate being tickled. Formerly sported a mullet. Says his favorite flower right now is a red rose (*rolls eyes*). Previously married, which the producers are probably going to bring up at every given opportunity. Lists Britney Spears as one of his favorite music artists, which still doesn’t even begin to make up for the tickling thing.

Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney (!). Has had sex in his office, so hopefully he didn’t tell his employer he was going on the show, and if he did, hopefully they don’t find this. Was once catfished, so perhaps he’s on the wrong show anyway. Perhaps Nev and Max can participate in a group date giving tips on how not to get catfished.

Kenny, 35, professional wrestler. Spends his Saturday nights either “wrestling in his underwear in front of thousands of people or with his daughter”. Has a daughter, which the producers will also probably bring up at every given opportunity because exploiting children is always fun! Says he was “quick draw Mcgraw” when he first started dating his ex. Has had sex with a wife while her husband watched, which sounds like more Unreal than Bachelorette territory tbh.

Kyle, 26, marketing consultant. Generally doesn’t trust people and dislikes corrupt authority, and respects Ed Snowden. Probably has a Bernie 2016 sticker on his car. doesn’t know what gluten is but eats gluten free when he can. Describes his ideal mate as 7+ and says BDSM was weird because he doesn’t like hurting people.

Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter. Would want to learn to make booze if stranded on a deserted island.  Considers himself a romantic. Also seems too normal for this show (aside from the career) and will probably be gone the first night.

Lucas, 30, “Whaboom” I googled it and couldn’t find an answer as to what “Whaboom” even means so we’re off to a great start. When asked who he would have lunch with out of everyone in the world, replies “ Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner” *cringes* would want the cast of the View with him on a deserted island which is pretty smart actually because they’d probably wind up killing each other and he could establish himself as the apex predator. Enjoys a “good old bump and grind” when it comes to dancing. Lists going to funeral as one of his least favorite date activities, which makes me question his dating history history. I feel like he’ll be the villain.

Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep. Describes lingerie as the most romantic gift he’s ever given saying  “I knew I was in love once I found myself shopping at Victoria Secret” #justlikethenotebook. Describes a tinder date as his worst dating memory. Has had sex on a cruise ship balcony. Despite that is probably still too normal for the show and will probably be eliminated quickly.

Michael, 26, Former professional basketball player, which is less impressive when you keep reading and find out it was in Bulgaria. Would want to have lunch with Obama. One of his worst date fears is one of his friends hooking up with his date in the past which should make fantasy suites fun should he make it that far. Also like the fifth guy to name Denzel Washington as his favorite actor.

Milton, 31, Hotel recreation supervisor. Has a lip tattoo. Is oddly upfront about not being on the show for the “right reasons”. He says he wants to be discovered and break into acting or writing.  (At least try to lie and say you’re here for love my guy). Describes himself as only “kinda” romantic because he thinks it can show you’re weak.

Mohit, 26, Product manager. Says he is going to dress up as gluten for Halloween. Good luck with that. Likes country music. Has used Tabasco sauce in the bedroom which just sounds like a bad idea (honestly what do yall get up to where you need condiments). Is like the third person to say he admires Elon Musk.

Peter, 31, business owner. Once thought he got abducted after a one night stand. Likes modern family. Seems normal. Also cute. I’ve been trying to dodge spoilers but a few have slipped through the cracks and I must say...

Rob, 30, law student. Would want to have lunch with Buddha. Would want to be able to control time. Also seems normal. Will probably be eliminated quickly.

Will, 28, Sales Manager. Considers himself a romantic. Describes every tinder date he’s ever been on as his worst dating experience. Hates being a second choice, so hopefully he doesn’t wind up like Nick as runner up twice.

So overall it seems like there’s a lot more diversity this season, which is great to see! its also cool that that most of the men are closer to Rachel’s age compared to last season when some of the girls were literally 10 years younger than nick. And since i haven’t read spoilers, i guess i’ll pick a few faves based on bios alone: Peter, Eric, DeMario, Jack stone thats probably way off im bad at stuff like that

See yall the 22nd!