#don’t get me started on the Remus loved tonks bc she was similar to sirius bs….

[lleaudau]

There’s nothing I hate more than going on a remadora wedding post and seeing people write how Remus calls Tonks ‘Sirius’ and is only thinking about him during their wedding…

[halfblood-princes-crown]

If Snape was in a relationship with any of the following assuming they were available or willing, how would it go from 1 (murder) to 10 (squealing happiness). I ask bc I literally can’t picture Snape with anyone but you seem to be the expert in Snape matters.

Molly Weasley

Narcissa Malfoy

Gilderoy Lockhart

Barty Crouch Jr

Nymphadora Tonks

Fleur Delacour

Igor Karkaroff

Lucius Malfoy

Bellatrix Lestrange

Sybil Trelawney

Remus Lupin

Sirius Black

Rita Skeeter

Dolores Umbridge

Hi Anon!! Im extremely flattered that you consider me an expert in Snape matters😭 I love you for that💚. Ok let’s see, I’m going to try to stick to what we see in canon (if I stray off canon don’t be surprised💀):

Molly: I feel like this would be a very stable and domestic relationship. Snape would definitely feel support in this relationship and he’d feel like he could finally relax. They’d garden together, cook together, have tea times and gossip together. Molly is very motherly (Assuming this is after her and Arthur separate, she has a bunch of children, so this makes sense) and Snape never had that type of care in his life, so it would be a very nurturing environment. When it comes to her kids, I feel like it would be a bit strenuous on his part but he’d definitely help take care of them as if they were his!

Narcissa: I ship this actually! I always thought this relationship would be very stressful because of all of the DE stuff. Cissa isn’t an OFFICIAL DE but she does have something to do with it. They’re both under pressure and ofc that can cause strain on relationships, but I have a feeling they’d ride it out. They’ve known each other for what feels like forever and they’ve been with each other through a lot. Their situation won’t get in the way of their love, not if they can help it.

Lockhart: 💀💀💀! This is one of those relationships where a borderline insane person starts dating an idiot and they slowly start losing brain cells🤣! Snape would absolutely wanna choke the life out of Lockhart but at the end of the day, he’d care about that idiot, whether he likes it or not. I personally don’t feel like they’d last considering Lockhart isn’t the bravest soul and Snape has a pretty dangerous lifestyle. The minute things go sideways he’d panic and run, and Snape would definitely see it coming. I think this relationship is one of those “it won’t be forever but at least we had a little time together” relationships.

Barty Crouch Jr: Lord have mercy…chaos. I don’t think that would be a long term thing…they have two VERY different set of morals and Snape would get very overwhelmed in this relationship. Snape is already ashamed of the fact that he was a DE in the first place…the things he has to do…the things he has to witness…I can’t imagine him being with someone who enjoys it that much. I think this would probably be a strictly physical relationship, I don’t see emotions being involved.

Tonks: This would definitely be a comfortable and stable relationship! Tonks would make sure he’s as happy as possible. Severus would feel so loved and so happy, because Dora would DEFINITELY get him to do things out of his comfort zone in attempt to broaden his horizon! He’d discover new interests and feel free to do things he either never thought about or always wanted to do. She’s his breath of fresh air!

Fleur: This is a hard one, I admit I never really paid that much attention to Fleur. She had a lot of similar traits to Severus: She was very blunt and always spoke her mind which means she came off as snobby and rude. But she was also a bit arrogant and conceited, which would irk him just a bit, but they don’t exceed their similarities. Severus would thoroughly enjoy being with some who has similar aspects to him in attitude because it means he can be himself. Just like Severus, Fleur wasn’t really LIKED…just tolerated, so he’d definitely be able to relate to her which is extremely important to him. He’s never felt as though he fit in anywhere so it would be blissful to feel that familiarity in his partner. In the books, it’s very noticeable that Fleur has a lot of love for people close to her despite her “rude” demeanor. This is a trait she also shares with Severus. He’d know that she had his back no matter what and he’d be determined to do whatever it took to let her know he has hers as well.

Karkaroff: YES!! I LOVE this ship so much! As much as I want to paint this out to be what I want, I’m gonna go off of how he’s perceived in the books, which means this relationship isn’t all cutesy and angsty. They have zilch in common besides being DEs. Karkaroff was immoral, irresponsible and quite cowardly. Snape would find these traits to be an added on headache for him and that’s the last thing he needs. Similar to Lockhart, Karkaroff isn’t the bravest soul. He fled the moment he got whiff that the Dark Lord was back. That means the relationship is unstable. That’s a no no. Snape needs stability in his life, but he also needs loyalty. Karkaroff has already proven that he’d play on whatever side that meant he’d benefit in some way, and if that means betraying Severus then who’s to say he wouldn’t do it? Severus is a double spy, the last thing he needs is betrayal. This relationship would probably be physical with very faint emotions attached. They have two very different thought processes and neither of them would be completely happy in an actual relationship together.

Lucius: MY OTP😫! I’m gonna be as non biased as possible when I say this…they’d be husbands. Boyfriends be damned, they are married. Lucius was one of the first people in his house to befriend him and from there a beautiful friendship formed. It’s very angsty because I think Lucius definitely groomed Severus into joining the DEs, but he also grew to care about him. Lucius knows more about Severus than anyone else so they already have that domestic vibe going on. They’re comfortable with each other and they’ve been together through it all. Lucius has always went out of his way to brighten up Snapes day or just show him a little appreciation. Severus knows how Lucius is: The snobby “I’m better than you” appearance he tries to keep up, the cold demeanor he has around others…but Sev knows better than that. Behind closed doors, while Lucius still is a very confident man, he’s not as stable as he makes himself out to be. All this DE stuff and Voldemort makes him an emotional wreck (even though he hides it pretty well) which means he’s just as in need of stability as Severus. They’ve always found that in each other so it was only a matter of time before feelings grew and became mutual. They’d do anything for each other and I feel like they’d be the one to snap each other out of the dark state they’re in mentally. Just like with Cissa, it’ll take A LOT to come in between the love they have.

Bellatrix: Oof…again, chaos💀. I don’t see them being together at all…it’s similar to Barty, they have two very different personalities and mindsets and they just wouldn’t be compatible in the way Severus would need. 1) Bella is obsessed with Voldemort. Snape would find that ‘beyond the point of return’ annoying…there’s no loyalty to him because she’s hopelessly devoted to her lord and savior Tom Riddle. 2) She seemed to irritate him🤣 I don’t think he’d get into a relationship with someone he didn’t like to be around. Bella is literally so unstable and she doesn’t seem to really CARE about anything. If they DID have a relationship, it’s STRICTLY physical.

Trelawney: Uuummmm…I have no clue😭. I feel like they’d have a relationship similar to him and Tonks, just weirder💀. She’d probably give him a headache from time to time but the love would be there, so it’s all good.

Remus: I’m going to be honest with you, this is tough for me because I hate all of the Marauders and I’d be biased and say “they’d never be together, next caller” but I’m not going to do that. You deserve an unbiased answer: Very domestic relationship. I feel like it would take a while for Severus to get over their past (which means a lot of angst) but once he does, he’ll start noticing the things they have in common. Both are intelligent, introverted, both loved the Dark Arts, both taught DADA, both are flawed, both suffered with loss, both are half-bloods, and both wanted to fit in. Remus is kind (it hurt to say that), patient, and would definitely be far more tolerant of Severus’ attitude and personality, especially knowing he had a hand in why he acts like that in the first place. Remus is a bit cowardly but I feel like it wouldn’t get in the way of the relationship too much. The relationship would no doubt be built off of new found trust and respect for one another, so it would definitely grow to be a stable relationship, especially after the war ends (let’s pretend they both survive😀) and they both settle down.

Sirius: Goody, another Marauder🙄/j. This relationship is angst beyond repair. I feel like this relationship is built around “my dick is bigger than yours” energy, which means it’s just a constant fight for dominance (whether that’s ‘I’m better than you’ domination or sexual domination 👁). I really can’t see there being any TRUE feelings in this relationship, and that’s not me being biased, I honestly don’t see it. Sirius put Severus through a lot and caused him a lot of trauma and I don’t see Severus forgetting that. There is a possibility that the feelings would grow to be one-sided and Sirius genuinely falls for him, but mutual feelings are out the window in my opinion. If they did have a relationship, Sev would keep it physical.

Rita Skeeter: Gossip couple…literally that’s it💀. But seriously, I don’t think they’d be in a relationship. If they did have something physical then it would probably be due to alcohol and boredom, but I don’t see any romance in it.

Umbitch: He would choke her with his bare hands.

I hope my answers didn’t disappoint😭 I’ve been working on answering this since you sent it…lots of thoughts went into this💀

Thank you for the ask!!💚