#doing anything even mildly social is really hard for me thanks to the trauma

[the-mountain-flower]

Me, at -15% battery, because it's hard to remember that not everything sucks completely when a multitude of people are so determined to give a child c-ptsd and then never stopped because apparently it's a good idea to make my life be a living nightmare: Fuck everything and everything is hopeless and life sucks

A Tumblr mutual abt a drawing I made of my OC: they're adorable I love her!!!

Me: ...

Me, now at 5% battery: omg thank you!

Maybe not everything sucks ❤️‍🩹

[paperphobe]

Vent post I suppose

Cw: medical talk, medical trauma, general pain and annoying symptoms, food/eating and weight loss. Basically if reading anything health/medical is triggering to you maybe don’t read this. Vent post not to anyone specific but more because I just need to put it out there because I can’t move on until it’s spoken into the universe (adhders get me 😵‍💫) and no one really follows this account. I’ve had a TON of medical issues that have had me in the hospital and in BRUTAL pain and on so many medications and it came very suddenly at the start of September and it’s pretty much faded away pain wise but I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and get some surgical procedures done. I experienced some traumatic things during all of that and though it’s definitely effected me it’s not my biggest issue as I have a great new therapist to chat with about that. Right now I’m clear and healthy on all tests and I’m not in pain anymore but I’ve been experiencing some symptoms that started during the issue, and haven’t gone away. It’s taken a toll mentally and physically on me and even effected my schoolwork. I’ve seen a bunch of doctors and my surgeon and professionals and they have no idea why this could possibly still be happening to me and there isn’t an inherent link to my condition and the symptoms that I still have (they were more explainable when I was in hospital and recovering from surgery). I’m also mildly concerned that they might be a symptom of something else but I’ve managed to push that thought out of my mind. Not sure if anyone has dealt with this (lasting pain and issues) before, I’ve had chronic pain in joints and long term health stuff but never something that’s effected me like this. If you have dealt with something like this any advice on how to just cope with the huge change from who I was before this and who I am now, and also the fact I just feel like shit? Before I was playing rugby or soccer every day, eating large meals, doing well in school and socially, I was super happy and sleeping well and being productive. Now I’m exhausted all the time, nothing makes me happy (I feel very numb), I’m always bored and don’t enjoy anything I used too (or anything besides doing my word puzzles), I can’t manage basic levels of physical activity, I have no appetite and eating feels like a horrible chore, I’ve dropped 20+lbs even when I eat what should be enough, my mouth is so dry and nothing helps, non stop migraines, I can’t sleep more than two hours most nights so I end up getting so tired I pass out and sleep for over 15, my vision has gotten worse to a point my glasses don’t help and it hurts to try and look at things, hands, feet, eyes, scalp and nose are always dry and itchy, I’m perpetually nauseous, I’m irritable and sad and a lot more prone to meltdowns, I’ve had way more nerve pain than I usually do and I’m peeing annoyingly frequently (which aligned with some of my medical issues and has lessened a lot but is still just annoying asf)

I laughed so hard I cried for the first time since the start of this at a stupid joke one of my classmates made and I realized I hadn’t really laughed in months, and I’m a person who laughs at everything. I’ve been drifting from some friends recently for unrelated reasons, including my best friend of three years, and I can’t even bring myself to care because I just feel this non stop numbness in my brain and my emotions and it sucks so much. I’ve seen one episode of CM since September (tho the hyper-fixation has not gone away thank god) because I put it on and I realize that like everything else, I can’t even enjoy this. Anyways if anyone actually read this I hope you had a good time reading about how miserable I am and all my random medical issues including how frequently I pee! 🤩 I hope you feel enlightened.

[spideyxmee]

The Moon's Dark Side Loves Better

A/N: Hi everybody! Thank you for giving time for this short oneshot of a (messed up) scenario I had.

On a serious note, please read in caution. This mildly contains serious topics which I won't specify in case I spoil everything. If you have any trauma or anything in regards to serious and disturbing topics, please proceed with caution or just don't read this at all and move on to the next fic.

Lastly, it is not my intention to hate/bash any canon characters.

I hope you would enjoy it!

socials | ao3 | intro

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Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Specific traumas I won't specify (please go to the next fic if you don't want to see any), some swear words

Pairing: Lily/Male OC, Jily

Genre: Dark

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Elio Gebber was a normal Ravenclaw with a pure heart. He was always kind-hearted and sweet to everyone he came across. The teachers adored his witty attitude in class and his clean reputation. It attracted a lot of people, even the ones older than him. He had attractive features that could charm anyone, long dirty blond hair, and grey-blue eyes. You could see his confidence in the way he walks and talks.

The students know nothing about Elio's hobbies and personal life. He would let others talk about themselves rather than tell something about him. Others describe him as reticent, while others call him mysterious, but this didn't stop students drool all over him.

It all changed when he showed interest in Lily Evans suddenly at the start of his 5th year. Though he was a year younger than her, he didn't care at all what others say. The news spread like wildfire and eventually alerted Lily's other courter James Potter, who was the complete opposite of Elio. But he was as popular among students.

"He's no match for me, right, Sirius?" James asks his best friend for reassurance that his long-time crush would eventually pick him rather than that "nerd." His best friend, Sirius, offered to bully and threaten Elio until he wouldn't even mention Lily's name. James was mature enough to turn down his offer and be a better man for his love.

"Hi, Evans!" Wearing a charming smile, the sanguine Ravenclaw leaned into a pillar to talk to the redhead in front of him at the Gryffindor table.

"You look wonderful today. Would you mind having some Butterbeer with me this Saturday? I would like to get to know you better."

Lily was staring at Elio, astonished. The whole table chattered, and the event eventually reached the far Slytherin table.

"Damn, that was smooth,"

"Maybe I should take him out, huh, Prongs." Sirius's gay heart leaped, while his group of friends shushed him and comforted the down James while he can only watch as the girl he liked for many years gets taken by a boy below his year. He refused to do his old tactics of aggression and respect Lily's decision.

From all the peer pressure, she agreed to give Elio a chance at dating. From what she knew, he was decent boyfriend material, but she would also like to know other things about him. They met up in the Three Broomsticks and had a successful date. He was nice enough to pay for everything they would buy.

On their second date, they enjoyed playing with the fallen leaves and buying candy at Honeydukes. He had great humor. He asked if she would like a kiss, both knew it was too quick for that, but he presented a muggle chocolate Lily adored called Kisses.

For their third date, a month later, they announced that they were officially dating. Elio knew everything about her. Now it's his turn to share things about himself. He told her that he had a hard childhood and didn't like sharing it with anyone. She understood him and promise to avoid mentioning it in the future.

"Hey, Lily! How are you doing?"

An old friend of hers, Frank Longbottom, approached them while sitting at a table in the Three Broomsticks. He was visiting Hogsmeade for a break from his Auror training. She tried to hug him, but Elio was being overprotective and pushed Frank hard away from her. It was the first time anyone saw him being physical.

"Elio! That is so unnecessary," she pulled the boy back and stared at him in shock while asking herself why he was out of character.

"This is my friend, Frank. Frank, this is my Boyfriend, Elio." She blushed while she helps her friend stand up from the fall. The boy that wore a dark expression didn't even apologize and sat down again. He wanted the other two to sit down and ask questions that sound too protective for other people but seem normal to him.

Frank had to go and was only passing by to say hello. The boys both looked at each other intensely. That wasn't a good first impression with Lily's close friend.

As they walk back to Hogwarts after their date, Lily asks Elio if he was ok and grabbed his hand. It was cold and clenched tight.

A few dates came and go, but it got worse and worse. Elio became more aggressive over Lily's simple mistakes like misplacing borrowed things. He turned into a two-faced idiot that seems nice when people were looking. But when alone with his girlfriend, Elio sounded manipulative and self-centered. He wanted the love of his life to be perfect just for him.

After no time at all, she broke up with him. He threatened her that he would die if she broke up with him, but this didn't work on the bright woman at all. She was over his idiotic tactics and two-faced ass.

She told the whole school about him, but none of the students believe her. Elio became depressed and suicidal, and Lily was the one he blames. The entire school despised her, and rumor spread that she only dated Elio for his popularity and looks. The teachers could only do little for the broken-hearted's well-being. Their respective House heads talked to them he looked in a better state. Lily has no proof of abuse to accuse him.

"Lily, can we talk?" James patiently waited for her to come out of their House Head's chamber. Now is the time to at least comfort her.

"Since when do you call me by my first name, Potter?"

It was hard for her to hold back tears from her talk with Professor McGonagall. The teacher offered to look more into her ex for her. But that's all she can do for now.

"I-" Before he could get to say anything, she attempted to walk away. James went in front of her to stop her and gave her a concerned look. Lily stood straight and raised an eyebrow.

"I am here to say that I trust you and know that you would never lie about what Elio has done to you. You can always come to me if you want to talk."

She doesn't have any reason to trust the toe rag back after what he's done to her ex-best friend in their previous school years. But from what he's done this year and the Shrieking Shack incident, she feels that James is a better person and less of a toe rag.

Weeks went by, and the two talked more and more each day. Elio thought this was preposterous and made a scene breaking down and crying every time he sees them together in public. People around felt sorry for him and criticize the two friends that were soon to be a couple.

The school soon didn't care about the drama anymore and focused on other things, which Elio didn't fathom would happen. He hid and kept a low profile for years.

On his 17th birthday, Elio obliviated his mother to erase every memory of him. His mother, Sharon Gebber, didn't care about her own child. Ever since his mother and father divorced in the summer before his 5th year, his mother abused him. She would often use him as a slave and never notice the achievements that he did so that his own mother would pay attention. This lead to his thirst for recognition in public.

Elio successfully erased her mother's memory so she could fuck off his life. He learned about the power of the spell for a specific plan of his. But clearing his mother's memory was just a practice run.

After he graduated, Elio took a job at the daily prophet to earn some money. People there think he's mental. He credits every team achievement to himself and seeks attention every chance he gets.

And even after five years, he was still not over his "love" for Lily. Elio wanted her to love him since he believes that he deserves her.

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While Lily was shopping for baby Harry's stuff at Diagon Alley, she came across an old friend of hers. Elio was sitting at Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour, writing on a notepad about news from Gringotts. She winced as she recalled all the unpleasant memories of him shouting and making her feel bad about herself. Though it was a long time ago, it still left a faint scar on Lily.

When Lily was about to turn away, he looked up, and they met eye-to-eye. He ran up to her and was about to hug her until she stood back.

"Oh Merlin, Lily! How are you?"

She thought of getting mad at him and ignore him for the things he did. But she thought, what if he's changed? He's matured physically, maybe emotionally and mentally too.

"I'm ok. How about you?" She talked slowly, and her voice was softer than usual.

They sat down and chatted for a bit. Lily was clearly uncomfortable, while Elio was very talkative and talked about himself a lot.

"He didn't seem to change a bit." She thought as she prepared an excuse to leave.

"Elio, I think it's time for me to go."

"Oh, you're already about to leave? Why so soon?" he smiled and talked at the same time, looking like a maniac planning. Which he indeed was.

"I have to really take care of my son, excuse me." she grasped her bag hard, trying to hold back the tears as she watched the same smile Elio wore when they dated fade. She left sniffling and wishing that her spouse, James Potter, to be on her side. But he was protecting their 2-month-old son from the dangers ahead.

"Son?" Elio realized that his first love has had a family with another guy. He gave out a psychotic laugh and cried his heart out. People around stared as the adult threw a child-like tantrum.

Lily heard this from far away, but she learned to never look back.

While crying, Elio thought of something. He then chased Lily and decided that it was time for his plan.

He cornered her in a dark alleyway between shops. He covered Lily's mouth with his hand and chanted a spell to stop her from making any noise. He then snatched her wand, tied her feet, and tied her arms behind her with rope from his wand.

"I have wanted to do this ever since I heard rumors of you and that Potter guy's marriage. Now you and he have a child! I can't stand it, Lily. I thought you loved me!" He stopped and scanned around the environment. "Bystanders will notice all my shouting."

"How about we talk at my humble flat here in London. How does that sound?" Elio wrapped his arms around his sweet childhood sweetheart. Lily tried to scream in hopes that someone or anyone would help her. No sound came out of her mouth as she shed tears silently. She fought her best against the stronger, more muscular man armed with a wand she wished she had.

After not long, they apparated together to his flat. To no surprise at all, his place was eerily clean, and the walls painted white. It pretty much looked like a well-furnished white torture room.

"Sit, my love." Elio dragged Lily, holding her arm with his nails sink into her skin. He locked all the doors to keep Lily in his living room as he'll get some water.

When he left, Lily tried to remove her arms and legs from the rope, but she had no luck. She tried to wriggle her limbs out and cut the ropes using sharp objects around. Alas, none of her tactics worked.

Elio returned, seeing Lily with her face wet with tears.

"Oh, love. Don't cry. I'm here. Drink some water." He wore his demented grin again. He was talking to her like nothing happened between them. It was like they were dating again.

She shook her head and bit her lip, making her facial expressions more emotional and angry.

"Wouldn't hydrate, ey? Not drinking water and keeping hydrated is bad for you, baby."

He raised her chin and looked at her face with awe. Lily tried to bite his finger off, but he pulled it away immediately.

"Ah, a little feistier than I remembered." Elio came closer to her lips as he prepared to kiss her. She gave him a painful headbutt, giving both a throbbing headache.

"Ok, Lily. I have had enough. We will come to my room and have some fun playing, won't we?" He sprung to his feet while rubbing his head to relieve the ache. His voice and face were a mix of angriness and excitement.

Knowing what he means, she got to her knees and attempted to talk, "Why, Elio. Please, I have done nothing but be nice to you."

He stopped from pulling her into the bedroom. He sat to her level to meet her eyes.

"That's the point. You did nothing to make me happy." Elio continued to pull her. The chains he used to attach Lily to the bed were ready. The whole room was filled with candles and rose petals, all ready for their steamy night.

"Don't resist me, my Lily! I deserve your love. I need your love." He clenched his teeth, making his words sound hard and scary.

It was the last thing she heard before all of her trauma.

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The morning sun arose. Elio prepared eggs and toast for breakfast without releasing Lily.

"Your bed in breakfast is here, love!" He places the small table on her lap. Elio was covered in bruises which he calls hickeys. The sleeping Lily was the most bruised, not just physically.

Elio obliviated her, confident that he replaced all of her memories with false memories of both of them together, being a happy and normal couple. He didn't know that he messed up.

"If you ever tell anyone about all this, I will kill you and your whole family."

He was removing her chains and undoing the silencing spell when he heard a knock on the door. Aurors arrived at his house for the interview he needed for an article. It was scheduled for 8 pm, but they misunderstood it for 8 am.

While Elio was away attending the Aurors, Lily woke up remembering everything except Elio's face and identity. She did, in fact, hear the mysterious man's threat involving her family. Lily wanted to get out immediately. She found all her stuff and clothes in the room. Luckily with the help of magic, she left out of the window and gently fell to the ground without scraping her already damaged body.

Elio returned to the room after chatting with his guests. He found no one there. He thinks this was mind-boggling and impossible. He prepared all this thoroughly, and he saw no one to blame but himself. The thought of it made him ask his guests to leave his home and throw things around the house.

Lily healed her scars that left unnoticeable traces at first glance and then apparated back to her home. She told the worried Order of the Phoenix members and her panicked husband that she went to her muggle friend's house that had no telephone. She also assured them that she was unable to contact anyone since it was an emergency.

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"James, I'm pregnant."

Her husband celebrated while carrying and dancing with baby Harry in his hands. While he was happy, Lily worried if it was actually her husband's baby she's bearing.

The whole Order of the Phoenix knew. Others say to be careful of this new baby because they know that the he who must not be named is coming for their first child.

While doing an interview at the Leaky Cauldron, Elio looked terrible. Dark circles under his eyes, and he reeked the smell of alcohol. The good-looking young man was nowhere to be found. He worked day and night, punishing himself for losing "his whole world."

He was a workaholic without any motivation for any other things, even the news of Lily's second child he overheard from a random person at the bar.

"I deserve this miserable life. I don't deserve happiness, and most importantly, Lily." he thought after wrapping up the interview and ordering alcohol.

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After a long day of work, Elio didn't stop find stories for work. His workaholic ass made him travel far. He reached West England just for the story about the undiscovered magical creatures around the area.

While searching around a village called Godric's Hollow, he heard a familiar scream. In a house, he saw a silhouette of a woman fall to the floor through a window. Elio wanted to see what happened, but he didn't want to be a suspect. So he covered any trace of him like wearing removing his shoes, wore gloves, and summoned a hairnet. It looked ridiculous but at least he won't be seen by the Aurors as a suspect.

He rushed inside to see James Potter, lifeless. He then realized. Lily must be the woman. He hurried up the stairs thinking about multiple things. "What happened? Will I report this? Who did this? This might make a good story. Is her child dead too? Is Lily dead?"

The first thing Elio saw was a swaddled, blonde infant cooing. Despite the cries of the toddler and her inert mother, she remained calm and silent. The sight of the infant made Elio's heart warm. She looked a lot like him.

His sharp and quick mind made it seem that this little bundle of light that reflected his past beautiful self's features is his own child. The thought pushed his panic buttons. He told himself, "I have made enough mistakes. I let Lily down and abandoned her. I will fix all of them."

Elio left the house with the child, and still, she didn't cry.

He did everything he can for his child. He quitted his job, changed his identity, and started a new life just for his child. He met a woman and he planned to obliviate her into thinking they have a family, and the girl is their child.

Without knowing it, Elio's wand was broken when he chanted the spell. He forgot all his memories that involved Lily, which was a lucky coincidence. The bad things he did to her? Kidnapping Lily's child? All forgotten.

He also forgot his act of acting to be nice and friendly to his "family." Elio's personality changed to match the kind of person he pretended to be.

He's successfully released a magazine of his own. He raised his girl to be better than his old self, even after his spouse died when their daughter was nine. The smart, little Ravenclaw girl loved everyone better than the person she reflected. And after all the bad things Gebber has done before, he helped some hero complete his mission.

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This was the life of Xenophilius Lovegood.

[nightfayre]

You seem like a very open person, so I figured I would message you about my thoughts! I’m not so sure if I wanna take off the anon (I think this fandom is harmless for the most part about contradicting opinions- but some of their mindsets kinda scare me, lol) so here I go! First off, I would like to say that I really enjoy Tiashan as a pairing for the most part, but I see a lot of points in their relationship that I REALLY look forward to them fixing in the future. 1/?

For one thing, their power balance is extremely fucked right now, lol. That one’s pretty obvious. But seriously, while I was reading through some of the chapters I felt tired just processing them. A lot of the “go” “no go” and angry yelling in the comic can easily be see as comedic and written off as such- but it happens, it feels like, nearly every time He Tian and Mo interact and at times it can be tiring to look at and say “that’s just how they are.” At this point in the story, we can see 2/?

that Mo has started to develop some form of feelings for He Tian and is obviously much better off now with his friends than he was before- that’s a starting point for sure- but (to me at least) it felt mildly unearned. It’s clear and I appreciate that He Tian and Mo interact much healthier than they had in the beginning (especially in the 170’s), holding each others hands and whatnot, but a lot of their earlier arguments and attacks towards each other feel unresolved. 3/?

Again, I really enjoy their pairing and want to see them get better about it, but a lot of how they interact just seems mentally exhausting. Both characters have their own traumas and issues to sort through, so even though a lot of how He Tian acts towards Mo can be explained and reasoned through, that doesn’t really justify how he acts, although it’s clear that he’s doing his best and will (hopefully) improve. We’ve already seen Mo starting to open up more in the last chapter 3/? 

and I’m sure OX has plans for them, but I just can’t stress enough how badly I want proper communication. Mo is clearly a sensitive and withdrawn guy and He Tian is clearly impulsive with possessive qualities. They have history with those traits, but that doesn’t mean that their justified and can just write off their every action. It means that they need proper handling, and neither of their personalities (at the moment) make that easy. 4/?

Anyways, I trust the author wholeheartedly! This was more or less one of my largest concerns for the PRESENT relationship, which will no doubt evolve into something much better by the end. I’m hoping both of them (especially He Tian even though I love him) get the slap in the face they need to wake up and communicate properly, which won’t be easy. I hope you can rest my worries about this relationship or at least give some valuable insight! I’ll look into your response no matter what it is! 5/5

tianshan is one of my favorite topics to talk about, specifically because of all the points you’ve mentioned! they’re a controversial pair, but there is so many reasons to love them, too. my answer below the cut!

if I could describe tianshan’s current relationship with one word/phrase, I would label it as “power imbalance.” and like you said, it really is fucked. the amount of miscommunication and misunderstanding between the two is incredible, and most of their problems stem directly from their inability to properly interact. 

and yes – like you said, all of their current interactions seem to be an never-ending loop of teases, threats, yelling, and bickers. however, so is every other relationship in the story! hell, even qiucheng have their argumentative moments (though, obviously they aren’t as dramatic as the four main boys lol). if anything, I think Old Xian relies on these – for lack of a better word – harsh interactions between the characters in order to emphasize the moments in which the boys share serious, developmental moments. 

I mean, think of it this way: how utterly heartbroken did you feel when Jian Yi first kissed Zheng Xi, screaming manically in the process, and then ran away, only to end up quietly crying into Zheng Xi’s shoulder on the street? I, for one, was torn apart by that scene. and I think that’s exactly Old Xian’s intent – the emotional and situational contrast between the boys’ usual bickering, teasing interactions and their broken, I’m-only-fifteen-and-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing moments pulls out emotions in the readers like none other. and the same goes for tianshan; Old Xian chose to end one of tianshan’s interactions with their normal banter (ex. the scene in which Guan Shan is in the hospital and flips He Tian off when He Tian says, “Take a good look, I’m leaving.”) and then immediately followed it up with the scene in which He Tian came home – or rather, came back to Guan Shan – and rested his head on his shoulder in exhaustion, seeking whatever form of comfort he finds in Guan Shan. I personally think that was one of the greatest moments between tianshan despite it being minute, especially because Guan Shan was under no obligation to care for and/or provide for He Tian but did so anyways. (and of course, the nightmare + handholding scene came directly afterwards!)

as for the “unresolved” feeling you get from tianshan’s fights – well, you’re not wrong. they’ve yet to resolve a single problem they have with one another. the closest they’ve ever come to “fixing” an issue is when He Tian kissed Guan Shan, in which Guan Shan broke into tears for reasons He Tian didn’t understand and clearly/firmly told He Tian that it was not okay; that he went too far. He Tian internalized that moment because he’s human and learns from his mistakes, and they’ve hadn’t had a problem like that again. as such, I don’t think tianshan will ever verbally or explicitly solve whatever issues lie between them. rather, they will both absorb the information as it comes to them and intrinsically work through the issues by themselves. is that the healthiest and/or most efficient way to make progress in their relationship? well, no. it’s not. but they’re young and impressionable and don’t know how to trust/handle one another right now, and so they only have themselves to rely on. 

and I know I talked about this in one of my other answers, but I think it’s also relevant to apply my thoughts here, too: celebrate He Tian’s development, but don’t ignore his flaws along the way. you’re absolutely right; He Tian’s cruel and often forceful behavior isn’t right. not every single one of his actions can be justified, try as some people in this fandom might. character flaws are necessary for any story, and He Tian is no exception. just like any other human you come across in your lifetime, there’s going to be a history behind them that isn’t as clean as you’d like it to be. but they had to experience that tainted history in order to get to a better point in their life. no one is born with a perfect sense of morality, justice, social interactions, etc. trial and error is necessary for anyone to move forward in life, and I think this philosophy can be directly applied to He Tian, too. I don’t necessarily think He Tian is doing his best, but he’s doing what he knows as well as what he’s learning along the way. time (and failure) can only tell how He Tian will develop throughout the rest of the manhua, and I don’t think we can pass strict judgment on him until we give him the opportunity and room to grow. 

as for Guan Shan… his withdrawn and stubborn behavior will be the end of him. unfortunately, those character traits are exactly what drew He Tian to him – but that doesn’t necessarily mean that He Tian can’t continue to stay interested in him as Guan Shan matures/develops by his side. I do think Guan Shan has higher walls up than He Tian – and for good reason, too. he’s struggling for money, endured bullying, is growing up in a one-parent household, juggling multiple part-time jobs in addition to school, and has to protect his mother from the shit their father left behind (whether he intended to or not). it’s everything a 15 year old shouldn’t have to worry about, and yet Guan Shan is alone throughout it all. thus, he doesn’t have any reason to believe that He Tian – a wealthy and privileged, handsome and smart, athletic and popular boy – has any good intentions. 

and that’s why I focus more on He Tian when discussing the flaws in tianshan’s relationship. Guan Shan is a troubled boy, definitely, but I also think that Guan Shan would open up remarkably if he was greeted with a consistently kind and outstretched hand. and He Tian has definitely had his nice moments, but not enough to earn Guan Shan’s brittle trust. like you said, this tension between them is so hard for them to overcome, but I don’t think it’s impossible. it will just take a tremendous amount of effort and a considerable amount of time before they’re anywhere close to a healthy relationship. 

nonetheless, I’m glad you see the potential in tianshan’s relationship! their current interactions in the manhua are critical, even if it is painful and sometimes tiring to read. with how difficult their personalities are, there’s no way they would’ve been able to start at a different point than they did. give them grace, but don’t overlook their flaws. I’m positive that Old Xian loves these characters just as much (if not more) than we do, and thus I’m sure tianshan have a bright future ahead of them. it will take a lot of painful trial and error along the way, but they will certainly get where they need to be! at this point, a slap in a face would be yet another great kickstart towards a healthier relationship between them. and, honestly, I think that slap in the face will be delivered to He Tian, as you said. 

proper communication between them will come in time, and it’ll come in ways that aren’t as traditional as we might expect it to be. tianshan are a very physical pair (mostly thanks to He Tian), so perhaps the first sign of trust/communication will be Guan Shan allowing He Tian to touch him without protest. or maybe it will be Guan Shan doing a favor for He Tian without needing to or having to be asked. or maybe He Tian will do something that benefits Guan Shan and his family without explicitly telling Guan Shan that he did it for him/them – or, in other words, He Tian won’t expect anything in return. 

I don’t know; everything is a toss-up when it comes to Old Xian and the potential outcomes of the manhua. I don’t claim to know anything about where we might find ourselves in 50+ chapters, but I think I have enough sense to speculate. and as far as tianshan are concerned? well, I think they’re going to be just fine. 

I can’t wait to see where they end up. 

[smidgeonofpidgeon-blog]

part 1/?

i don't know how confidently i can say that i believed in fate growing up.

sure, i could understand that things sometimes just...fell into place. life worked like that, and there wasn't always something you could do about it.

i don't believe in fate. didn't. i'm not so sure.

life has a funny way of changing your mind.

i'm very much the kind of person that will happily tune out the rest of the world, as it tends to be ugly in a way that i would rather not be involved in. unless i can help it, and in most cases i can't.

i say this because throughout my time at school, growing up, in life in general, i am very secluded. unless you make yourself known in my immediate vicinity, bring yourself to my attention, i'll never know you exist. no offense meant, i just don't spare extra energy into looking outside of my personal bubble.

i didn't know who she was.

i'm sure i knew of her, that she was, indeed, a person. in my grade, in my town.

but walking into that chemistry class in sophomore year, we were most definitely strangers.

i don't know what it was about her that caught my attention, and i still couldn't tell you if you asked. i really don't know. but when i ended up assigned in a hard plastic seat next to her, i won't say that i minded.

because i didn't.

at first i thought it was just that i wanted to be friends with her. i remember distinctly thinking that at the time, "I really want to be friends with this girl." i didn't have any reason to suspect anything more from myself.

as far as i knew, i was straight, and i loved my boyfriend.

so i didn't have a problem with talking to her. there was no shyness on my end, because to me it wasn't anything more than wanting to be her friend.

i didn't pay attention to a single detail in that class other than the way she has dimples when she smiles, and her eyelashes are so long they reach up to brush her lenses when she blinks.

to this day, i know next to nothing about chemistry.

she was funny, awkward, shy and captivating. from anyone else i wouldn't have bothered. i don't fall into those circles, and i never have. we weren't the same, but somehow she still understood things when i didn't speak, she knew how to talk when i didn't, she just knew.

i remember admiring her for her courage.

she was so afraid, and i could see it. fear was buried deep in the set of her shoulders and rested behind every smile, and even when she couldn't meet my eyes i knew it was there.

i had grown up very sheltered, i'll freely admit that. my trauma falls in a far different category than hers.

i didn't know what she was afraid of, but i remember hating it with more passion than i'd ever felt in my entire life.

what had caused such a beautiful person to be so closed off? so timid in every move she made, reduced her to the dark circles that hollowed out her eyes and made her whole body lock up at the slam of a door or a scrape of a chair?

then i found her social media.

i don't remember being surprised; it actually brought a smile to my face when i found out.

very openly, she was LGBT. in smalltown, backroad-filled, conservative-dominant, redneck territory.

bisexual, she said. i never asked her, mostly just stalked her social media. because after finding that out, for some reason, i got nervous.

like i said, i'd grown up sheltered. in my mind, all that existed were gay, lesbian, and straight. that was it.

bisexuality...what was that?

big trouble, apparently.

all of a sudden, everything was starting to make sense. the special attention i paid to her, how much she occupied my mind, why i looked forward to the absolute worst class of the day just to spend time next to her.

i'm not proud of myself.

i panicked. i had a boyfriend, and i loved him. right? he was a football player with a spot on varsity, i was on the school dance team and attended every one of his games, we were 'the couple'.

but i remember how hollow i felt inside about it. i'd ignored it because i had no comparison.

but now i did, and i didn't know what to do.

our seats changed, and that, i figured, was that.

i didn't talk to her. i blocked her out without being too obvious, smiling if we made eye contact in the hallway and speeding up my steps to convince myself that the racing of my heart was caused from the exercise.

my heart didn't take it well.

i started pulling away from my boyfriend, however unintentionally. i wanted him to understand, to know what i was feeling, to help me. i even tried telling him i was bisexual, however tentatively. i was trying it on for size, so to speak.

he took it in stride, and just as i was relaxing, asked if that meant we could have threesomes.

confused, scared, i just laughed it off.

after i'd said it out loud, i figured that as long as i knew what it was, i could allow myself to appreciate her from a distance. after all, it happens, right?

people get massive, confusing, even terrifying crushes all the time. i wasn't special. i just had a boyfriend.

but then i didn't.

a week before our first year, he finally deemed to tell me that he didn't love me anymore.

.

.

.

i wasn't okay.

a month or so after, i decided, "hey, fuck being sad. i'm gonna look hot as hell and make him miss what he doesn't have anymore."

not a bad idea, mostly just bad timing.

i'd never been sexually assualted in my life. never thought about it, considered how much it would ruin how i thought of myself.

ironically, i remember almost laughing as i realized that while i had been seeking attention when i got dressed that morning, and i'd certainly gotten it, it had been from the wrong person.

i couldn't get the words to leave my throat to tell anyone.

i had no excuse not to go to school. not one i could say.

for why i hurt so badly the next morning. for why that new outfit that i'd gotten in San Antonio was now buried in the bottom drawer in my dresser and would remain there for years.

for why i wanted to wither away.

so i went to school.

i remember nothing of that day, save for small moments. it passed by in a blur, and i couldn't have cared less for what i was surely missing in my classes. i might as well have stayed home, for all the work i was getting done.

then came chemistry.

every six weeks or so, our seats were changed. just so happened, i was sitting next to this girl again. initially, it had excited me even as i'd wanted to run away from her, from what she made me feel.

that day, i couldn't have cared less.

i went in and sat down, couldn't make my mind focus on a damn thing, didn't even bother to pretend to be paying attention. i don't remember anyone giving me a second thought, which just goes to show how much people really don't give a shit, i guess.

the bell rang, and that was it. time for another class.

i got up, but something fell to the floor as i dragged my arms across the table from where i'd had my head buried in them.

bending down to pick it up, i realized it was a note.

a corner from a piece of notebook paper, hastily folded in half and most likely tucked beneath my left elbow.

i think i looked up to see if she was still there, a spark of hope in my chest dying as quickly as it formed when i saw the way she was hurrying to edge out the door.

mildly disappointed but shrugging it off because, hey, i shouldn't care, and i didn't. i didn't.

i didn't.

i just grabbed my stuff and left the room, headed for my next class which happened to be english. i'd been dreading that class, because my teacher was prone to noticing if something was wrong with me and made a point to ask me what was wrong. i didn't know what i was going to tell her.

on the way, i opened the note after debating whether or not i should. i had no idea what it could be; we didn't exactly talk that much anymore.

the words made me stop dead in the middle of the hallway, unable to force my feet another step.

there, scrawled in her messy writing, were the words

"i know you're not okay, and it's okay to not be okay.

keep your head up, princess. your tiara is falling."

something i could have read off of tumblr and not given a shit about. it honestly made me think of those 'justgirlythings' posts. which i thought were ridiculously pointless and stupid.

it almost pissed me off, like, what the fuck? what does that even mean? i was perfectly fine, who was she to say that i wasn't?

it was cheesy as hell.

i just stood there rereading this stupid note in a quickly diminishing crowd, ignoring people's ugly looks tossed my way as i dared to stand in their way and make them walk around me. it wasn't until something dropped onto the paper that i jolted back into awareness and watched in almost morbid fascination as my tear made the ink from her words bleed along the page, like some kind of poison spreading through veins.

the parallels were bittersweet.

sound slowly returned to me, and i realized someone was calling my name. i looked up to see my english teacher looking at me with concern, and i must've been a sight; tears running in a free fall down my face, dark and baggy clothes that i'd clearly slept in, hair a mess from yanking at it in some kind of sick self-punishment.

i left.

went straight to a bathroom and cried until i made myself sick, my eyes so raw i was almost afraid they'd bleed, if that really happened or if it was just in the movies, my hands just clutching this stupid fucking note that didn't even make sense to me.

who was she to tell me i wasn't okay? to accept me that i wasn't, like there was anything about me to even fucking accept. i was just fine.

so who was she?

i ended up going home, telling my parents everything.

i never really got to properly thank her for it, not really. i'm not sure how well i could actually express it. but i tried.

[em0x0]

This is bad

Bucky/Winter soldier apartment scene outtakes.

Warning: trauma, self blamed, angst.

Been hidden out for ...(looking over to the calender) 2 years and nearly a month. Not like constantly on the run is anything new, but all this memories, all these emotions... haven’t been feeling so confused and..and can’t even remember how to express emotion anymore. Can’t believe for a moment a thought of under mind control might make life easier has crossed my mind. But as that thought sink in, all the hurt and pain started flooding in as well. “I remember all of them.” Every single one, all the blood on my hands that will never be able to wash away. The toughest thing of being of the run alone, is how much time you have with you mind. And you always end up down the spiral of guilt, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is you have no idea how to right all the wrong, and the feelings of helplessness.

Writing it all down might help you think. But does it.

Just settled in the new hide out, tall building 15 floors. First day in already planned the escape route. Being a international fugitive you can never be too careful. Quite a nice neighborhood, this area. Not too busy or quiet, have all the necessity nearby, optimistically could be a nice place to stay for a while. Since I have to leave the last place in a hurry and couldn’t really bring much carryons, first thing first. Food. Can’t not risk to sit and eat at a restaurant or cafe. So snack and microwave food will have to do. On the way back to the hideout, there’s a nice cafe stands. Having a coffee wouldn’t hurt. The barista must be in a good mood , big smile on her face when she give me the coffee. She even said, “Enjoy you day!” Still unfamiliar with social interaction and genuine kindness from other. A nod and simper is all I could do in response. I guess all those years wearing that mask will take most if not all your facial expressions away. That genuine smile from the barista give a warmth feeling, I suppose that what smile do. I do feel guilty to not being able to respond with the same genuine smile. Maybe I can try that tomorrow.

No, I did not go back to that coffee stand. After going into the spiral of thought, turning up regularly might not be the best idea. With all the dry snack and microwave food, I’m starting to feel like something fresh would be nice. Recalled passing through some fruit stand, along with the coffe stand. It’s been a few days since my last coffee and so fruit to freshen up would be nice.

“Is this nice? It’s ready to eat yet?” The nice old lady reply with a soft smile “Yes, yes. These are in season, so they’re sweet.” Surprisingly this time I seem to be able to give a greater smile in return. “I will have these then, thank you.”

On the way back, starting to feel glaring eyes on my back. For a second I’m did try to convince myself is just the bad habit from the old days. But the next second, a men on the newspaper stand stare right into my eyes, and then I know it’s not an illusion or an old ghost haunting. It’s real, but that’s not possible I had never blow my cover in just a few short days. Attempting to approach the men staring at you, but of course he will run away. Then I freeze when I see the newspaper and realized what I have done. NO, No. No. No, it’s not me I’m not even in that city, I didn’t know any bomb. I DIDNT DO IT. The past is a ghost that will never let go, for this long I think things might be fine. A new leaf is turned, but no the past always find a way to haunt you.

This is not time to have a flash back or to panic. I have to get back to the hide out, the note book I had to get that. Back in the not so good old days, stealth operation is pretty much all I did. So skipping through the mildly crowd street and reach the hide out is not much of a challenge. Even though there are significantly more police on the road, but with the causal clothes and a simple baseball cap you can be more anonymous than you think.

Finally reah the hideout but there is already someone in there, for a second I thought nothing is that important. I could still go through the escape route I planned. Then I heard that all too familiar voices. “No, Sam he is not here, he’s probably already gone.” Few seconds later the other guys Sam said something on the coms. He answers “Understood.” Is Steve. So they send him of all people to get me, of course my good old pal who would be better to capture me. I can’t resist the urge to open that door even though that mean whatever horrible captivity might come. There are so many things you want to say to the man, this. This might be my only chance. But then I open the door and realized I can’t, I can’t tell him how sorry I kill all those people, how bad I hurted him. I thought when the time come apologizing, the only thing I can do to make up maybe just a fraction of all the things I had done all those years.

“Do you know me?” The man ask

It’s like I’m back to the stage of being control again.

“You’re Steve. I read about you in the museum.” I am back to the cold and cruel tone once more. It’s funny no matter how hard you work on getting back to your turn self, a persona is always the facile way.

“I know you are nervous, and you have plenty of reasons to be. But you are lying.” After all these years still can see right through my lies. But I think I don’t know what the truth is anymore, Steve. I wish I could said it out loud, but it’s almost like the winter soldier is standing right there and I’m a hopeless ghost that no one can hear me screaming.

“I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do that anymore.” I might not know the truth, but the fact of the situation is what I or the winter soldier always have a clear concept of.

“Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they are not planning on taking you alive.” Of course Steve will believe every word I said, he always have fate in people.

“That’s smart. Good strategy.” It’s still not too late to go for my escape routes.

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck.” Said the man who never run away from a fight, good to know you never change Steve. I know this kind of situation all too well and exactly how it would turn out.

“It always ends in a fight.”

“You pull me from the river. Why.” You have to ask, when you clearly know the answer already.

“I don’t know.” “Yes, you do.”

(This is not actual outtakes, self-indulgent imagine only. Don’t take it seriously, or do if you want to.)(sorry for all the grammatical errors, really dozing off when I wrote it)