#doin some reflectin while wicked baked and sentimental

[scottpilgrimversustheworld]

I’ve just been thinking about the fact that I’m like... an okay person. I feel like my heart is in the right place and I’m doing my best to become kinder and softer every day. I let myself be vulnerable more with people that I trust and also with people that I previously wouldn’t have opened up to previously which has paved the way for more human interactions that allow us to understand each other.

I’ve come a long way from being a person that doesn’t want to see anyone, that doesn’t want to make friends because of the belief that it’ll eventually fall apart. I was in such a bad place a year ago: I didn’t have the energy for people, I was introverted to a degree that hurt me. I stuck to routine: class, work, sleep, repeat. but now I have people that invite me out every weekend, most weekdays, and love me to a degree that they trust me with information reserved for close friends. even my coworkers who, granted the friendly atmosphere of our store, have trusted me with some of the most valuable information of their lives. they invite me to movies, to housesit their homes and animals while away, invite me to bars and to personal dinners purely for fun and because they... enjoy who I am. they want me to be apart of their lives, even if our contact has been constricted to our professional lives. it just feels good to be wanted, to know that you’re perceived as a genuine and trustworthy human being who is sincerely worth having around.

ive always doubted that about myself. I spent so much of my life thinking that I wasn’t good enough for other people. that I was burdenous and unworthy the love that people tried to show me, even then. I thought people stayed with me out of obligation rather than sincere and genuine human love. I couldn’t see it because I was blinded by my own insecurities and self doubt. but now... I think it’s kind of undeniable. I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and kind and optimistic about people’s intentions instead of being reserved, to the point, and cynical about everything that I could see, and I’ve been rewarded for it. people want to be in my life which... makes me want to cry I’m so happy. I’ve earned a place at dinner tables for people that I once thought disliked me, dog sitting for and drinking beers with coworkers that I once didn’t think once about when leaving the store for the day, people I’ve gotten high with and cried with and drank with and shared the most intimate and personal details of each others lives with, simply because I’ve... allowed myself to be loved by others. it was never that people didn’t love me, and it was never that I never loved any of them, but I just.... didn’t think I was worth it.

I’m just. Happy that I’m growing and learning still. And that I am finally realizing that it’s worth being vulnerable and openly in love with the people that I know. platonically. familialy. in every which way that you can love another person!

sorry I’m rambling I’m just. kind of having this revelation moment that I needed. My heart has been so sick for so long because I just... never have felt so genuinely in touch with how I’ve felt about myself and about what I want and need from other people. ive felt so... idk at peace with myself, more comfortable at work, more comfortable in my day to day relationships between friends and family, for the past few months. people want me and I want them, I’m excited to do things with other people, I’m excited to go dinner and explore haunted buildings and visit each other’s homes and watch movies and play video games and argue about whether or not ahegao girl clothing should be socially acceptable and make food with the people that matter to me!!!

2019 is going to be fucking awesome and I’m going to make it awesome!!!! I’m going to be a radiant shining wild ball of love that is endlessly supportive and shouting with love and wild abandon!! fuck putting up walls and isolating myself because I’m worried that people will think I’m a bad person if I open up!!! I’m going to let myself be loved and vulnerable and happy and indulgent in the friendship and warmth I’m given!!!!! I’m going to give every stranger and loved one every ounce of my sincerity and kindness!

🥰🥰🥰🥰 I WANT TO LIVE TO CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE THE WARMTH I FEEL NOW!!