#doesn't really get more overt than that honestly

[leavingsunsets]

Helllloo!!

I would like to request a senkuu x reader if possible! (Preferably some angst + romance but anything works!) Been looking for some inspiration and I love your work!

Also hopefully you're okay if I draw some of your work too

Thank youuuu!! (>u<)/

im okay with you drawing my work! saw some of ur art, and wow! glad ur a fan tehee :33 i see you've given me an angst plot, with romance? yes i will definitely fulfill this. i waaaassss ssupposed to make this action filled with scene wit reader dying in battle of treasure island arc and senku going "WHAT" and head in hands and sobbing and the gang has to go back to the mainland hat on stomach like ":(" but exams and research defense finished and i also jus watched cute little vid of an old couple so this is jussttt hmmm a softer angst set between events ig

"ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴍʏ ᴡᴀʏ."

[ꜱᴇɴᴋᴜ x ɢɴ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

It wasn't really a secret. You didn't even try, honestly.

Since the first of times of where you'd glimpsed his face at school, to the latest catch of him swirling fluid in a beaker, you've always been confident in your feelings.

Albeit a bit clumsy in your attempts, you were honest, never mincing them, never embarrassed.

"Senku, I really really like you!"

"Yeah, okay, could you pass me that screwdriver?" he says, both of you 6 years old in his room, as he gestures to the tool beside you.

"Senku, I want to date you. I heard Aimi had a boyfriend recently and I was thinking-" your voice goes interrupted as the loud sound of Senku's machinery overpower yours. 13 years old, another one of his favorite past times.

"Senku, if we were both nobles in medieval fantasy and I had to marry someone in order to get a persistent suitor off my back, I'd go to you. Offer a contract with an eventual divorce, but then we fall in love in a slow burn romance and start rethinking about our agreement."

"Can you- just- HELP ME, DAMN IT." Senku heaves, 16 years old, face turning red as he struggles to hold the boxes of equipment you came to help him with.

All these confessions, all these words, even before everything changed. The clatter of a can hitting the ground.

...

In this new life, surely, you know, Senku's had an absolute goal for this world. To rebuilt it as it was, from his own two hands. In your own way, you've had to learn how to pace your feelings.

Instead of words, as you always did, you decided to translate your affections into a language that matters most in a time like this.

Actions.

For every problem, every step he takes, you take with him. Express your thoughts, concerns, ideas. Any progress, you're there to celebrate with, any process, you're there to assist.

Declarations of love aren't so frequent, though you do like to sneak it in rarely. Announcing it in bursts of passion at the top of your lungs. Quite an antic you do, much to his embarrassment. It's become a well known fact, and often a joke between company.

Though, sometimes you wonder if it's what makes him doubt it. Your overt confessions, cheesy poems and bustling energy that could rival Taiju's. Was it too clumsy? Too obvious that he feels it's an exaggerated farce for show?

To this, you whisper gingerly in the dead of night, in the earliest of mornings,

"Senku. I really really like you."

In the times of uneventful hours, peacefulness in comfortable silence,

"Senku,"

You know, of course you do, of all people.

No one knows him more than you and that fact would've made you happy of such a thing if it couldn't break your heart more. The love of your life, saying everything said in a language that matters most in this time.

An unreadable glance. When the sun beams down brightly and you stare at him lovingly like he's hung the stars in the sky.

Winter strikes mercilessly, days are rough, tensions are high. When everything's all good and done, a bold pinkie inches towards his own. He doesn't pull away, but his hand moves back just as further.

Late at night, behind the tree he leans upon, watching, just watching. His ruby eyes enraptured by the night's celestial pearl.

Gaze too high, to see you.

You close your eyes.

You don't think you can ever stop loving him, despite that. That man doesn't like dragging things out, so you're sure a rejection is soon to come. Whether you approach first or not.

Why he doesn't do it sooner? You know why. As much as he doesn't reciprocate, you know how hesitant he is when it comes to close relationships such as you. Is he scared of breaking your friendship?

It's not the warmth you're looking for, but it's the warmth you can get. Even so, you would never expect him to return just as much as you've given. You love him for him, and not for anything else.

Tragic, how terribly you do.

Maybe one day, you'll learn to forget, to move your heart from where it isn't supposed to be. Maybe one day, you would stop gazing at him with something much more than fondness, waiting for his eyes to find its way back to you.

But until then,

"-I love you."

[ghouljams]

I know every fandom has it's fair share of "incest"(not sure if thats the correct term) but it seems like the cod fandom has it so much more than the other popular ones

I mean maybe I'm not 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 enough and I know every person has their own turn ons and off but it can't be just me who thinks this is weird/cod fandom has like so much more of it (and I have been on the internet for a good 8+ years and have been deep in fandoms)

(idk maybe I'm just rambling out of my ass because I have ocd and intrusive thoughts place my own family members the moment I say words about a family)

Omg hi friend!

First of all I want to say that I'm glad you asked because I've actually been thinking about this!

I have a major(MAJOR) turn off for actual incest in fanfiction. Maybe because I lived through homestuck and people fucking love incest in that fandom, but I cannot read it without getting squicked out. Faux-cest though doesn't seem to give me the same problem and I think it's because there's always an undercurrent of "this is pretend" when done right, it feels porn-y, fake. I think it's because (in my mind) faux-cest falls under the "humiliation/degradation" kink, there's an overt power dynamic there that feels... different from actual incest fics.

Which also? The amount of people who have DDlg/MDlb kinks in this fandom is insane. Every day I see people calling Price "daddy" and I just... I'm gonna be so honest with y'all I hate seeing "daddy" in a fic, I don't mind caretaker doms but I just can't get into age play or the uwu cutesy way some of those fics go. But that's just me.

All that to give me some credibility in telling you: I don't think it's the cod fandom at large, but maybe just the writers who all follow each other and seem to get the same brain worms at the same time(I am guilty of this).

I think for some people there's an element of "I just figured out how to write this kink and I'm making it everyone's problem" and for others it's a "this seems popular at the moment let me throw my hat in the ring." Personally I had a faux-cest dream that I didn't particularly enjoy, honestly felt more like a nightmare, but I figured other people would see kink in the horrific so I popped it up on the blog.

Anyway I don't think you have to be "freaky enough" or even put yourself through reading a kink you don't enjoy, there's a reason I've been putting trigger tags on all the faux-cest stuff! I want people to be able to filter it out. Hell, a lot of it squicks me out, and I've written some of it. I don't really see it as any more prevalent in the cod fandom than others though. I mean every fandom has a decent portion that jump straight to incest stuff, you may have just managed to avoid it fairly well.

[applestorms]

actually. @moonlarked you wanted someone to talk about near & light as parallels? cuz uh...

ok SO, my big hot take on near is something like this: one of the most common criticisms i see about near is that he is simply too apathetic/bored/uncaring/etc, and that because he is not as emotionally invested as L, his win against light doesn't feel nearly (lol) as satisfying as it could've been. this is a view that often frustrates me, but for a very particular reason— namely, while i think it is somewhat accurate in content, i think it misses a lot of important context (and also misses a lot of the importance of light's character arc, but we'll get to that much later).

one of the most important things to remember about the wammy's kids is that, whether they like it or not, each and every one of them is defined almost entirely through their relationship to L. this is perhaps more obvious in the case of characters like BB and mello, who are very Aware of this shadow being cast upon them and react in very overt, emotional ways (e.g. becoming a literal serial killer out of seemingly pure spite & desire to be noticed, idolizing him but in a very emotionally complicated, kinda detached sorta way, etc), but it is true for Every wammy's kid, purely because of how the house itself functions. these kids are being raised to be L's successor— the greatest (and second greatest, and third greatest) detective on the planet. this is the ultimate goal hanging over every one of their heads, and it places a constant pressure on every kid there.

oftentimes, i think (perhaps both out of story and in it, as well?) people get so caught up in comparing near to L that they forget he also falls under this umbrella— only, for near, his position is slightly different because he actually somewhat succeeds at the task? like, yeah, L never gets the chance to officially call near his successor, but between the fact that he's constantly called the #1 kid at wammy's and that he. literally does actually end up becoming the new L after kira, i think it's always been pretty clear what his path was going to be.

going back to my starting point, this is one of the main ways that near makes a really good parallel to light in my mind, specifically the light that we see right at the start of the series. in both cases, near and pre-DN light, we see a kid who has succeeded at everything they've been handed, and more notably, we see a kid who is bored out of his fucking mind looking at the prospects of what he's got.

in the case of light, this is maybe a little more realistic/easy to understand— light does well in academics, he does well in sports, he does well with people. he is likely to follow in his father's footsteps with something criminal justice/police/law related, but even if he diverges from that path it likely won't be too big of a deal, as he has shown himself to be capable in enough areas that he's likely to succeed no matter what. by all measurable standards, light's doing pretty good at the start of the series. and yet— there is something so distinctly and inherently Bland about his life before he gets the DN. i've said before that light wouldn't call the DN a curse even if he wanted to, but i think in that moment when he's telling ryuk he disagrees w/ his father after visiting him in the hospital, when he says, "I've never once considered finding that notebook and gaining this power a misfortune. In fact, it's made me happier than I've ever been." (ch.22) he's still getting at something real and truthful.

again, going back to my equating of boredom with depression in this series— light's life is pretty good by all measurable standards. he has a family who loves him, presumably more than enough money to get by with a pretty cushy lifestyle, and does well, honestly better than well, in every single system he is presented with. but even so, he's still unhappy. there is something in his soul that has not yet been satisfied. he's bored of the world, bored of his place in it, how easy it all is. what the DN really offers him is a challenge, entertainment— just the same as L, and just the same as ryuk.

near similarly suffers from this kind of boredom, though it is perhaps less overtly stated than in the case of light, L, and ryuk, and less easy to catch as it is not as realistic/common. again: near basically ends up the winner of wammy's house. he is the one to take the title of L, he's declared the smartest, bestest kid at wammy's, and he gets all the power and privilege that comes with such a title. but still— he's so. fucking. bored. much to the embarrassment of mello, this shit was never really a challenge to him. it's pretty obvious that near isn't really even all that attached to the title of L— don't forget that his first real introduction to the story involves him explicitly saying that he'd be just fine working with mello as essentially co-L successors. and this is a viewpoint that he holds onto until the very end of the series, actually, claiming that he was only able to best light due to mello's sacrifice. near doesn't really give a fuck about the rat race he's been slotted into, though it's perhaps for that exact reason that he ends up winning it anyway, and getting all the responsibility that comes along.

that being said, i think there are still two main differences between light and near:

light fucks up.

near never gets past his boredom.

in the case of this first point, i do not mean to say that near never ever makes any move/judgement that could be considered a mistake— mello killing the entire SPK is the first thing that comes to mind, which i see as blood on near's hands for the same reason that L takes at least some responsibility for lind l. tailor. rather, i mean that near never makes a such a monumental fuck-up that he has to overturn his entire worldview just to account for it in the same way that light does when he accidentally kills two people w/ the DN the first time.

it's like, if you've ever known (or been) the kind of kid who always got perfect grades in school, straights A's for K-12, only to reach college and suddenly bomb their first test and have an existential crisis as their only real achievement in life is crushed into dust, then you know light yagami. only for light, it's on a whole 'nother scale, because not only does he fucking oopsie daisy kill two people, but he kills in such a context that he can mentally manipulate it back into seeming heroic. i hate to say that suffering causes character development because that's terrible advice (it's how you react to terrible circumstances that matters, imho) but to some degree, yeah, having conflicts/hard times in life is just necessary to figure shit out sometimes. near (and L, oh goddd i need to write about L properly sometime) has so many things smoothed over and handed to him, and on top of that, he's a super genius very rarely fucks anything up, at least according to base logic. he doesn't even really consider the morality of anything he's doing until light straight up asks him in a desperate bid to keep talking at the end, it's all just logic and factors to consider.

this all leads to my second point, which is that near never really gets the chance to overcome his boredom in the same way as the others. ryuk at least gets his entertainment for a couple years, and light and L (and mello) get so invested in each other and their game that it literally kills them, but near just kinda. keeps going. he keeps being L, he keeps solving cases, he does the duty he was given and enjoys his toys... and that's it. he lies around, the only one left to live, never even taking credit for the end of KIRA, never gets another haircut, and keeps the title going. what a life, for a kid who dragged a god back down to earth.

sidenote1: toys

am i reading too into things? maybe. near's toys hold a lot of significance throughout the story in more specific ways, most notably the finger puppets he uses at the very end of the story while tracking different people's/kira's actions, though you could probably read some kind of meaning into every toy he has and the ways in which he plays with them. what i want to look at here though is more the general reasoning behind playing with them in the first place— a desire for a childhood he didn't get to have? a love of games more generally? (could track with him seeing the KIRA case, or really all detective work, as just another game.) you could also read into his toys as another source for near's apathy/detachment from reality, literally breaking every notable person around him down into a doll by the end of the story, speaking a lot to how alienated he is from the world (again, very similar to both L and light, there). i don't have much more of a point to make here, just wanted to add this in somewhere since it's one of his most striking visual character traits.

sidenote2: light's arc

going back to my point at the start of this post... light's character arc.

uhh. near winning is a good thing, actually. and i don't just mean that as a moral claim— DN itself as a story isn't really concerned with trying to answer any moral questions about good or evil or the justice system, so it makes sense & is fair to me that it doesn't try all that hard to answer anything along those lines by the very end of the story. what i mean to say here is that near winning is a good thing on the level of the character arc, specifically as an end to light's arc.

i made a post a while back while mid-manga reread talking through some of the reasons why L's death can feel kind of unsatisfying/paint the second half of the story in a less interesting light (hah) for a lot of viewers, with the main point i ended up on being that L wasn't really able to win because he never really had all that clear of a win state in the first place. i still kiiind of agree with this point, though i think there's a lot more i could add to that post... anyways. point is, i bring up that post because it touches on a similar thing to what i want to talk about here: light's character arc being a tragedy.

this is more speculation on my part, but i think another part of the reason why people get turned off to DN post-L death is not just the fact that L isn't really a playable character in the game anymore, but the fact that light's character arc takes such a dramatic twist after the timeskip. i talked about this a little bit in my little ramble on light & titles (which a lot of you liked, apparently!! ty for all the lovely comments on there, i love reading what you guys have to say ^w^), but light's character arc in DN is a tragedy to me, full-stop.

tragedies to me are cyclical— revolutionary, if you will. since all stories necessitate some kind of something to take place, a tragedy to me is all about a character beginning in one point, then continually getting hit by Event, after Thing, after Event, only to end up in essentially the exact same place that they started. any character changes or development that seem to happen throughout the story are ultimately nullified by the end— the main subject does not truly grow, does not truly reflect on their actions or traumas, does not move on. two steps forward is two steps back. even ending up in a position worse than they started is sometimes better than a true tragedy, in my mind, as at least then there is some chance they may still reflect or change or grow in the future, leaving the hope that they may still overcome this new circumstance later on. a true tragedy ends in nothing meaningful ever getting the chance to truly change, at least in the case of the main subject of the story.

light's character arc in the first half of the story is an upward, underdog kind of story. yes, light has the power of a shinigami, of a supernatural force that the rest of the world doesn't even know exists— but part of the real appeal of his conflict with L is how powerful L feels in comparison, having the wealth and respect and title to command a world's worth of forces against him. fuck, even taking down naomi misora feels like an incredible hurdle overcome, a teenager managing to charm and yap and flutter his eyelashes out of a shitty situation he was only just lucky enough to stumble across in the first place, to stop someone who could've ruined his entire plan with a few words. killing L was always going to be light's greatest accomplishment when it comes to his rise to godhood, not only because of L's great power but the comparative position of light at the time that he did so— not yet an adult, not even really out of school, perhaps barely out of his parents' house.

in contrast, light's arc for the second half of the story is a downward spiral. we see all of the consequences light has been miraculously avoiding smack into him like meteors in this half, his ever-growing ego torn to shreds as he's yanked back down to earth. and in comparison to the anime, the manga really beats this point into you, dedicating the entire second half of the story to light's fall from grace as he loses his mind and loses his humanity. like, while i do kind of prefer the manga ending to the anime, i have to admit that light's death there is fucking brutal. light goes through pages, chapters, purely dedicated to near tearing him a new asshole, only end the story bloody and delirious and crawling on his knees begging a god of death to fix everything— all just to die the exact same death as everyone else he's killed. i mean, look at these fucking pages (ch.107):

(that last fucking picture of him. clawing at the sky. it always fucking gets to me.)

it hurts to read this shit!! we spend the entire first half of the story watching this dude's rise to glory, the entire time stuck inside of his head, emotionally connecting with him even if we don't really mean to or disagree with his actions or question his morality. watching his fall back down, especially after all of that, is fucking painful— an in no way does near make the process any easier. if anything, his blunt, snarky bitchery, saying all the quiet parts out loud, calling light out for being a terrible replacement L and pointing and laughing at his failures to his face, only shoves more salt in the wound, only proves just how human he has been all this time, how meaningless any of his supposed "rise to power" ever really was. light got his fifteen seconds of fame, sure— but near is armed and ready to make sure that's all he'd ever get, that the name Light Yagami would never even be associated with the position he held for so long. six years was all he got— and it was all he was ever going to get, because light yagami did not do this for humanity, he did it for himself. all near did was collect the debt that L prescribed. he fulfilled his duty as told— nothing more, and nothing less.

i just have to wonder... is this why people hate him? because he has no sympathy for the fall? maybe. i don't know.

either way, i don't think i could ever really hate him. it's a big responsibility, being the only one left behind. but near has always been the one to hold such weights on his shoulders.

[yanxidarlings]

I think mattheo vs blaise would be really interesting with a smart reader. Both are just cold and mean and barely concealing their scheming lol, and reader is just trying to fight both for top grades in class. Like these two know how to play "the game" and reader is doing their best to not lose. Eventually, either blaise finally gets the betrothal finalized or mattheo somehow resurrects his dad. Actually, now that I think about it, a clueless reader is probably just as good between these two. Can I request headcanons for these two?

YANDERE MATTHEO RIDDLE VS YANDERE BLAISE ZABINI

had never thought of these two fighting over a darling, but this was surprisingly fun to write, hope you like it!

• ladies and gentleman, we may have found the worst possible pair of yanderes. yes i say that everytime but it's genuinely hard to envision these two coming to any sort of agreement. blaise is a bit too proud, and once ol moldymort's back in the picture, mattheo believes he's above everyone and anyone as the dark lords son.

• one thing about the both of them is that they'll both try to lay claim to their darling quite quickly. the moment blaise accepts his obsession, he's sending an owl to his mother, requesting she arrange a marriage. mattheo is a bit less overt, he just starts hovering around them and scares off anyone who tries to interact with them.

• it's kind of funny but really interesting to imagine a darling that's clueless to their advances, and just views them as academic rivals. i'll assume the darlings a ravenclaw, maybe they've known the two since childhood, or maybe they met at hogwarts, doesn't matter, the darling only thinks of them as annoyances.

• maybe this academic rivalry is what kickstarts the boys' obsession; i could definately see that being the case for mattheo, he's the heir of slytherin, son of the dark lord himself, how dare this kid think he's smarter than him.

• he's pretty hostile towards the reader for the first few years, for the longest time he thinks he hates them, but if he does, then why can he never bring himself to beat him up before an exam? why does his heart drop when he hears their roommates talking about them crying in the shower after getting a 95 on the potions assignment? why did he want to go up to him, engulf him in a hug and tell him it was just a grade.

• what starts off as pure rivalry slowly but surely turns into admiration, at least on mattheo's end. reader is starting to seriously consider poisoning his pumpkin juice if he tops the class over them one more time.

• honestly mattheo finds his darlings hatred of him and anyone as smart as him cute, he'll casually invade their thoughts from across the great hall only for them to be imagining granger getting crucio'd. or casting the killing curse on zabini, clawing out goldsteins eyes, skinning nott alive, cutting off malfoys pri-

• mattheo is convinced they're soulmates, and eventually stops antagonising them alltogether. the only problem? apparently that son of a bitch zabini is having his mother arrange a betrothal between him and mattheo's precious darling.

the absolute fucking nerve. mattheo is pretty quick to corner zabini. "what the fuck do you think you're doing" mattheo growled as his hands wrapped around zabini's neck "m/n's mine. you got that? if i catch you even thinking about him, i'll kill you" his grip tightened as zabini's nails clawed into his arms, loosening as zabini started to draw blood.

pushing riddle off, blaise wiped his hands off on his robes, as if wiping off contaminated dirt. "yours?" "yeah so back the fu-" "why would someone as intelligent as m/n want you when there's other, much better, purer options?" blaise knew that would strike a nerve. riddle lunged his fist towards him "i warned you, you-" he yelled as his fist connected with blaise's face, profanities flying out left, right and centre.

• blaise had never really played into the darlings game, since the moment they met when they were little, he decided that they would be the one he wedded. he wouldn't be like his mother and leave a trail of spouses behind, he'd swear loyalty to his darling on the date of their wedding, and they'd never leave each others sides.

• for the longest time, blaise believed his darling felt the same about him. it was honestly kind of soul crushing when they got to hogwarts and became all the more competitive. if he wasn't obsessed before he sure as hell is now, his darling is going to love him, whether he has to force them or not.

• their competitiveness might annoy him, but their intelligence is one of the reasons he's so allured by them. but he can never just admire them in the library whilst they study, his darling always has to turn it into some sort of scheme by him. to steal their answers, that is.

• as smart as they are, it facinates blaise how the simplest social interactions fall short on them. the longing way he stares at them whenever in their vicinity would be a dead giveaway for anyone else.

• but blaise is in this for the long run, does it really matter if they ignore him throughout their hogwarts years? as soon as they graduate, they'll be wed and be together forever. or at least that's what he tells himself every time his ego takes a hit from the ridicule they throw his way.

• eventually, the betrothal was finally finalised. the l/n's had come to an agreement with his mother and he couldn't be happier. no one dared approach his darling anymore, in fear of becoming blaises new target.

"good morning" blaise greeted his darling as he approached the ravenclaw table, a slight smirk on his face as the ravenclaws shuffled away. m/n said nothing, he just glared at blaise for a moment, before looking back down at his book. "what're you reading" his slender hand reached over to the book, only to receive a hard slap. he looked up, eyebrow raised as his darling continued reading, as if nothing had happened.

blaise leaned in "tesoro, we are going to be married in a few years, is this anyway to treat your future husband" he entangled his fingers with theirs, watching as m/n's face went red with anger, but his ego told him it was a blush.

"i'll cast the killing curse on myself before i marry you" pulling his hand away, m/n closed the book, before storming out of the great hall.

• the day his darling was finally promised to him, blaise's behaviour flipped like a switch. acting as if he and his darling had been in a committed relationship for years, as if they hadn't barely had a proper conversation. the day of the betrothal is when everything hits the fan.

• mattheo is ready to rip blaise limb from limb, so is the darling, which is why, for a time, mattheo and the reader form a short bond over hating zabini, before it becomes apparent to the darling that mattheo isn't any better.

• mattheo and blaise spend the time prior to voldemorts resurrection actively trying to kill each other. they get most of their anger towards each other out during quidditch, every game and practice ends with one or both injured. they'll arrive in class 10 minutes late, with bruises all over and busted lips.

• if the reader was dumb, they'd do nothing, but no, mr smarty pants ravenclaw is gonna make sure those two always have something to fight over, showing one favour, then comparing them to the other, both to get them of the readers back and keep the reader at the top of the class.

• the darlings intelligence and cunning is his own downfall. eventually, the boys are gonna catch on to the readers schemes. whether things are becoming a bit too repetitive or more likely mattheo figures out what they're up too when invading their mind whilst they sleep.

• mattheo and blaise call a ceasefire on their own personal war. the dark lord has returned and the darling is using them against eachother, if they hate anything more than sharing, it's damage to their ego's.

• when they agree to focus on obtaining their darling, their darling, is, to put it in my favourite way; officially fucked.

• there's no escape from them, blaise will start demanding the reader sleep with him in his dorm, and mattheo will be the one to drag them there. they scare away everyone else, so no one can come to the readers rescue.

• these two cannot bare to leave their darling alone with the other, which is why they spend most of the time together. mattheo's dragged the darling into the shower with him? blaise is following not far behind. blaise is taking the darling to the three broomsticks for a date? best bet mattheo will be tagging along.

"must you pout like that every time" asked blaise whilst he made up a plate of scrambled eggs, placing it infront of m/n, who was too busy glaring into space, arms folded, a scowl on their face. "don't listen to him, m/n, you look adorable like that" mattheo wrapped his arm around m/n's shoulder, leaning in, pressing a kiss to the others neck.

m/n shook mattheo off, wiping the kiss off with the edge of his sleeve. mattheo only chuckled, before leaning in again. "oh leave me alone you cockalorums" m/n spat as he stood up abruptly, mattheo's smile faltered, he reached up and dragged m/n back down by the hips "have you not thought of the things the dark lord will do to you if he found out how you treat his heir?".

mattheo's breath tickled m/n's ear as he whispered. he remained silent, blinking away tears. "you make this out to be so much worse than it is, cucciolo, just let me- us care for you, va bene?" blaise took the fork and placed it in his hand, ignoring the tears that started to roll down m/n's cheeks.

[autumnmobile12]

Feminism in Castlevania

One of the things I liked about this series was how it represented both positive feminism and toxic feminism.

The positive elements are small and carry their weight through the tone they set, as they should. If displays of feminism are over-the-top, then they become pandering and discredit the message they are trying to send.

Despite this series's flaws, I will forever appreciate the hell out of the fact they didn't go with the 'reformed chauvinist' character arc for Trevor. When he's first made aware of Sypha, she's just the Elder Speaker's 'grandchild.' Gender neutral term. And when he finally meets her and realizes she's a woman, his only reactions is, "Granddaughter, then." There's no overt reaction, there's no patronizing comment of how 'it's too dangerous for a woman down here.' "Granddaughter, then," is the only comment he ever makes that she's female, and that's all the series needed to set the tone for that part of his character.

It shows he's not against women fighting.

It shows he doesn't view women as weaker or inferior.

It shows he's aware women are capable of fighting and sees nothing wrong with that and sets the building blocks for the fact that Belmont women were fighters and this is nothing new to him.

It shows he's doesn't blame Sypha for putting herself in this predicament with the Cyclops by going down there in the first place. (Actually, considering he went into the catacombs under the assumption she was dead, he was probably relieved he didn't have to haul a corpse back to the surface.)

Show. Not tell.

The only thing he really questions is why she was sent down there alone, but he ultimately decided it wasn't his business. And he figures it out later when it's revealed she's her caravan's only mage.

The other part worth considering is while he's perfectly willing to insult Alucard, he never insults Sypha the same way.

He also doesn't make a habit of protecting her. They are both equally balanced in watching out for each other during their fights in Season 3 and Season 4. The only time Trevor says he'll protect her is in the Hold and that's only because he knows she's busy setting up a complicated spell and carrying out the bigger part of their master plan. In this context, he's not even her protector; he's just back-up.

Alucard's treatment of Sypha is similar, but they sadly don't have too many moments where they talk one on one. He's polite to her and I honestly feel this is his parents' influence of raising him to be a gentleman. (I mean, Lisa doesn't hesitate to call out Dracula for his lack of manners during their first meeting.)

Greta introduces herself as the headwoman of Danesti.  Nobody questions that. Hell, St. Germain even comments it's a shame someone with her talents was wasted in such a provincial area like Danesti. Rude, but this is more of a dig at Wallachia being a backwater, uncivilized sty and nothing at all about her being a woman in charge.

We can also see this to a lesser extent with Zamfir being the unquestioned leader of Targoviste's resistance, but again, we don't get a lot of info.

I've already done an earlier post on Carmilla, so I'm going to reiterate a few of those points here: A huge part of Carmilla's character and motivation is her disdain for men.  Hector is a just a tool to her.  Dracula’s Generals are made up of men.  The vampires are ruled over by a ‘stupid, old man.’

There's also the fact she just doesn't care about her sisters. She refuses to give credit to Morana for her part in handling the logistics of their invading army, which Striga calls her out on. So she's still putting herself above the others. But the really telling part is her reaction to seeing Isaac in her final episode. If she cared about Lenore in any way, she would have demanded to know if she was still alive, did he kill her, what had he done? Instead, she's still shouting about how the world is full of idiots and she's better than everyone else.

This isn't feminism. This is pure arrogance, bitter vindictiveness, and plain narcissism.

Unlike Morana, Striga, and Lenore, Carmilla never talks about their plan of conquest in the terms of safety or security. It's always to the tune of vengeance or even just to prove she can do it. It's always about her fury of being treated as 'less than' because she and her sisters were just women. And it all culminates in a cowardly suicide because she couldn't stand the thought of losing to a lowly human like Isaac.

I don't want to be too harsh with Carmilla. I do like her as a character and I think she's a brilliantly written foil to Sypha as far as the feminism angle goes. This is also the medieval period where the conventions of society more often than not benefited men. I get it, I really do. But a tragic backstory still doesn't excuse toxic behavior.

[stobinesque]

The last post I reblogged has me thinking about how Lucas is treated by his friends/the wider UD gang in-universe/from a more Watsonian perspective. Because here are the facts:

Lucas has spent most of his childhood being explicitly/overtly bullied for his race [being called "Midnight" by their season 1 bullies]¹

At the beginning of Season 2, Mike clearly assumes that Lucas agreed to go as Winston for no other reason than both of them being black. But when called on this, Mike cannot bring himself to admit that's what he was thinking. (He also does not apologize to Lucas.)

Until Billy attacks him, Lucas doesn't really know why Max is trying to avoid being seen with him when Billy picks her up/at her house, but having been on the receiving end of "my family is racist so I can't be seen with you," whether or not you actively know the reason someone is trying to hide you from another person, it feels alienating. Also, he absolutely figures it out in hindsight.

But since at first he doesn't know that Billy inexplicably and aggressively hates him/doesn't want him interacting with Max, from Lucas' perspective he gets attacked by a white boy 4-5 years his senior and almost twice his size out of literally nowhere. Said boy explicitly declares to him "You're dead, Sinclair."²

Lucas, upon entering high school, decides that he wants to acquire enough social pressure to protect him and his friends from the bullying they had to deal with throughout middle school. Neither Mike nor Dustin seem willing/able to understand why he might be interested in that protection.

There are a couple different ways to interpret Lucas (and Patrick)³ choosing to stay with Jason and Andy, but I think it's reasonable to assume that Lucas would be able to recognize a mob/witch hunt forming, and I also think it is reasonable to assume that Lucas knows that mobs tend to target the most vulnerable members of a population, and that he himself both as a black kid and a member of Hellfire is at risk.

Nancy knows for a fact that Jason was at the army surplus store in search of a gun, and while it is implied that she informs the group of this, they seem not to take that into any consideration when planning because

Taken altogether, this paints a picture that in-universe, all of Lucas' friends should be intimately aware that he has experienced overt racism for his entire life. But, the Halloween costume argument also suggests that even though they're all aware of said racism, none of the white members of the group really feel comfortable talking about it. Lucas does explicitly call Mike out on thinking that he would be Winston (or that Mike can't be) "because he's black," and Mike flat out lies to his face. If this is one of the first times Lucas has confronted one of the Party members about their own implicit racism, I think it would be reasonable for him to walk away from that exchange deciding that race isn't something he can have honest conversations with his friends about.

We also never see Billy attacking Lucas addressed on-screen after it happens. Which means we never get to see anyone check-in with Lucas about what happened, or see him process what happened.

So come season 4 Lucas has great reason both to want more social capital/protection and to feel uncomfortable explicitly talking to his friends about why that might be. (Especially with the added baggage of Billy having just been killed, which assuredly inspired a lot of complicated feelings for Lucas, especially because of how much his death impacted Max.) Instead, he makes one simple request of his friends (who he both wants at his game and still wants to play D&D with them): get Eddie to reschedule the game. And, sure, it's Eddie's fault that the game doesn't get rescheduled. But it is absolutely on Mike and Dustin that they didn't choose to skip (which honestly probably would have forced Eddie to reschedule anyway??).

So for the most important game of the season, Lucas winds up without his friends or his sister there to watch him make the winning shot, and he misses out on the D&D game that he wanted to play with his friends. It's entirely possible that Lucas still would have decided to go to the afterparty even if Mike and Dustin had come to the game. But I think it's reasonably likely that he'd have gone to celebrate separately with them! Or at least would have left the party early, rather than getting so drunk he pukes the next morning. So when Jason riles the whole team into becoming a mob out for blood, Lucas ends up stuck between a rock and a hard place. He can't really say or do anything to stop Jason that doesn't also put a target on his back. Sticking with him is the best way to 1) ensure his own physical safety and 2) have any hope of protecting Eddie/his friends.

And then Lucas risks his life to lead Jason & co. off Eddie's scent and bikes eight miles to come warn Dustin that he's in danger. He actually explicitly says that Dustin is in terrible danger. Lucas (and, honestly, all of the Party--except arguably Will) at this point is intimately aware of the fact that a white boy fueled by rage can been homicidally dangerous. So the fact that even after knowing for a fact that Jason has acquired a gun, the whole team send Lucas, Erica and Max to the Creel house without weapons, protection, or any sort of plan as to how to deal with Jason & co. if they turn up is not only baffling, but honestly feels downright callous.

From a purely Watsonian perspective, Lucas has every right and reason to be absolutely livid with his friends. Their consistent inability to recognize or acknowledge the racism Lucas experiences directly results in Lucas and his sister being attacked and nearly killed--and not even by the supernatural bad guy.

¹The show never returns to this, but to me it is broadly illustrative of the racial climate in Hawkins

²Please do not waste your breath trying to argue with me that Billy "wasn't really trying to kill him." I honestly don't care either way. He threatened to kill a 13-year-old boy whose only "crime" was being black. There is no other explanation for Billy's treatment of Lucas that makes sense, since he explicitly targets him, and not Dustin or Mike. Regardless of whether or not Billy had genuine homicidal intent, Lucas had no reason to think otherwise in that moment. I have no interest in arguing this point with anyone.

³Patrick is another excellent example of the show being unable to meaningfully reckon with with its racial implications, but that's its own post.

[gojos-thot-patrol]

I really liked your dating HCs 😃 wanted to know if you could do the jjk men flirting with a crush HCs? 🥰 just all the stuff they try to do to woo a person if interest 😍

Aww, I'm glad you like my dating HCs! Flirting goes hand in hand with dating as far as I'm concerned, so lets do this!

Now Presenting...

Starring Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Kento Nanami, and Ryomen Sukuna

Kento Nanami

the quiet type

Nanami is so bad at flirting I'm being SO SERIOUS 

He doesn't really have the time or energy for it, so it's a struggle for him to flirt. 

All I can think about when I think about Nanami flirting is this clip.

I feel like he treats it as a business transaction because that's just what he knows and is familiar with

When he's not being extremely business savvy, he's trying to get to know you as a person. 

If you're going to make a relationship work, you have to know that person. So he's asking you about your hobbies, your childhood, your opinions, ect.

Now, I know what you're thinking Dear Reader. "Isn't that just what friends do?"

Yes. 

I told you, he's bad at this.

Honestly, you probably wouldn't have any idea he was interested in you romantically until he hits you with that, "I've had feelings for you for a while now, would you like to go out on a date with me?"

BLINDSIDED.

But, honestly? Considering all the Information he's gathered about you it's going to be one of the best dates of your life 

After that, his flirting does shaft. It turns more into him sending you “Good morning 💛” texts and checking in on you throughout the day. 

Also he cooks for you.

He flirts by learning your favorite dishes and learning how to cook them perfectly.

As far as he’s concerned, cooking for someone is the oldest expression of love and care, and he’s a sucker for cute traditions. 

He also starts to recommend media based on things you like. He’s flexing that he knows your taste

Ultimately Nanami flirts by showing that he knows you well, which is weird to say lol.

Suguru Geto

Prince Charming

Charismatic as fuck.

Out of all of these men he's the best at flirting. 

Suguru is very manipulative, and that translates Into him being phenomenal at flirting, because he can manipulate your emotions. 

I'd give an example but I can't cause he's better at flirting than I am by a mile

I think it's very subtle at first. Almost like him planting the thought of you liking him into your brain.

And once that seed has grown into a full on tree, his flirting becomes more overt, so you know he likes you and you like him

He definitely pebbles.

Giving you wildflowers he picked while the two of you were walking, giving you used books he annotated for you, sending you memes that made him think of you.

Do not be fooled reader, this man is Baby's First Manipulator and this is the start of love bombing.

He writes poetry for you. The type of poetry that when you first read it, it makes you all giggly and love sick, but when you read it after the breakup you realize it was all just pretentious garbage. 

SONG RECS. 

Geto flirts by giving you song recommendations, sending you music that reminds him of you, videos of live performances he thinks you’d like, and the like. 

Music genuinely forms the way this man interacts with the world, so when he starts sending you love songs that should honestly be the first hint that he’s into you. 

He sends his homies over to go and hype him up to you, that's the vibe

The moment you say you’re cold he's covering you in his jacket. 

“Where's my hug?”

Ok, no to the last point but also yes kinda.

I swear I physically CANNOT bring myself to be nice to Suguru

Satoru Gojo

the goofball

“Like my shirt? It’s made of boyfriend material.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

“Did it hurt when you fell? Cause you're the only Ten I See…wait, I think I fucked that one up.”

Gojo is CHEESY I TELL YOU. MAN IS DRIPPING IN CRINGE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

But, it’s almost charming just how earnest he is in trying to woo you. 

He sends you those couple memes like “this could be us but you playin’” paired with a picture of minecraft diamond armor Halloween costumes

He takes you to watch slasher movies so you get scared and cling to him, but ends up getting spooked and clinging to you.

When he looks at you you just see his eyes glittering with adoration

When he looks at you he just sees you through the Shojo vision filter

He always looks for a reason to touch you. Brushing your hair behind your ears, his knees brushing yours when you sit next to each other, anything. As long as you’re comfortable with it of course.

He slips notes into your pocket with other cheesy pick up lines or cute little doodles.

It starts with him just jokingly flirting to hide his real emotions, but it only makes his heart burn brighter for you.

You noticed it, when slowly it turns from him laughing after a cheesy pick up line to him nervously chuckling and trying to hide his blush.

He can’t look at you without smiling, at least just a little bit. 

His heart gets fluttery and he starts to get a little more stuttery.

He decides that just flirting and leaving the chance of a relationship just hanging over you, indefinite and fuzzy, hurts WAY MORE than any possible rejection could hurt

He slips a note into your pocket that's like “Wanna go on a date with me? For real this time! Yes No”

Gojo’s flirting just shows his inexperience with romance and seduction tactics, but it’s almost charming in that way

Ryomen Sukuna

The Monster

This man is Radioactive besties, idk how to tell you want nothing he’s peddling. 

He doesn't even flirt.

His flirting is telling you you belong to him and slaughtering anyone who dares to disagree. 

He flirts by being nice to you homie. 

Actually, no, scratch that. He flirts by not being actively hostile.

His tsundere ass would literally kidnap you, force you to spend as much time with him as inhumanly possible, and still be like “I don't understand why you think i like you.”

Basic kindness is his flirting. Like, honestly I don’t know to go about his section of this because he just doesn’t flirt LMAO

Him flirting is him just like, staring at you like a weirdo and just expecting you to know what that means

Him flirting is calling you woman instead of wench

On the real though, flirting is mostly seen in him being over protective of you. 

Like, god help any other person that talks to you where he can see it.

He’s going to choke slam them.

He picks on other people than immediately looks at you for approval because he thinks that sharing violence is flirting.

Honestly, that’s how he flirts. He goes out of his way to try and gain your approval.

He’s like a cat that brings you a dead bird, only the dead bird was another possible suitor.

Except he doesn’t know how to be a decent human being so it’s just him doing the most unhinged and horrific shit then looking at you like “I do good?”

No Ryomen, you don’t do good.

And yet, you’ve won my heart anyway. What a bother.

[mollysunder]

you’ve talked a few times about the possibility of viktor and jinx interacting, how would you like that to happen? Sorry if you have already talked about this in a post and I missed it

It's no problem anon! I actually did write a post or two related to what your asking, though I guess those posts are more about the external emotional forces that push them together, especially when you throw in other Zaunites like Ekko into the mix.

I have bunch of first meeting scenarios I swish around in my head for these two. I've thought of them first meeting on separate missions to break Singed out of Stillwater. Maybe Sevika could take in Viktor because without out Silco, she has to scramble for resources from desperate people. Viktor would only learn about Jinx through Sevika's perspective, but when they finally meet Sevika's own biases against Jinx makes Viktor less willing to look to Sevika for support.

I've even wondered if they could first meet in a scene that directly parallels the way Viktor and Sky first met, except they're positions are reversed. Viktor is positioned at a higher elevation than Jinx, while she looks up at him with a face that betrays how curious and intrigued she is by the hexcore. In this case, their respective curiosity/desperation would help the two close the gap between eachother.

I would want that kind of scene to represent what Jinx and Viktor's relationship would do to eachother. Viktor would pull Jinx up from her own head into seeing the larger world for what can be done outside of her militant war against Piltover. While Jinx is the one to give Viktor the permission to sink lower from the Ethos, because he has found someone who will accept and even support his path no matter how depraved it could get.

Honestly, I don't need anything fancy. My most simple wish might be that in their first meeting I want Viktor to tell Jinx he's sorry that she lost Silco, and mean it. I want them both to only have known of each other in passing before this first official meeting. That way Viktor already knows what she's rumored to have done and what she's capable of, and still Viktor can extend his empathy towards Jinx and her pain. Jinx would already know the Zaunite half of the hextech duo, either from Silco or Singed, whose business is to know about these things.

In that moment, Jinx could be genuinely taken aback. The immediate aftermath of Silco's death would have probably brought out swaths of vultures and sycophants either trying to get in her good graces or get her out of the way to take over Zaun. It's just mob of faces trying to play into an idea they have of her, and here's Viktor, who I'm sure doesn't have much to his reputation, which in fact might be really negative when he first returns to Zaun. He not only left for Piltover and left against his will into an territory with high anti-Piltover sentiment, he's also associated with a WILDLY unpopular councilman among Zaunites, Jayce. All Viktor would be is just a guy with big ideas and very little anything to do in Zaun, coming to Jinx with nothing but an uncommon sincerity... and a ominous hexcore.

I think if Viktor lays it out like that, not asking for anything but just be willing to see Jinx's turmoil and offer basic comfort, I think she would be willing to do the same in turn. Jinx could offer her own empathy at Viktor's recent exile from Piltover and the overt abandonment he feels from Jayce and everything they built together (and wow doesn't that sound familiar). Something like, "Sorry they tossed you out" to sympathize with him. I think it'd be very awkward and plainly strange moment, but still comforting because they've both found someone to SEE them and empathize with the disorienting position they've been placed in.

If the situation next season weren't so frantic I would want them to meet at Silco's funeral, either Singed or Sevika would officially introduce them. And I like the season to wrap up where Viktor's become the new defacto leader of Zaun in a similar vein to Silco, because Jinx and maybe Sevika enabled his rise to power like how Mel did for Jayce. I'd add more detail but this reply's long enough and the explanation deserves a whole other post.

[writergeekrhw]

elementary was just *chefs kiss* to my senses. Holmes is so much closer to the actual stories and the way he grows and matures is honestly just gorgeous. I do have to ask why we didnt see the same for joan. Shes wasnt truly depicted to have any flaws and though she was a fleshed out character outside the partnership, we never really saw her overcome much emotional struggle. Even andrew's death and the effect it had only lasted about 2 episodes. Not to say i didnt love her, but episodes where SHE was the one struggling and sherlock getting her through it would have been gorgeous. I just like to see characters crash and then pick themselves up ( personal preference of my own) regardless, the show was incredible you guys wrote it fabulously. 12/10 i recommend it to most people i meet

I'd disagree that she never struggled. There are times when she struggled quite a bit over various issue (guilt, defining herself, parental issues, etc) but she's ultimately much more stable than Sherlock, and her struggles tend to be quieter, so she doesn't seem to have issue in contrast with her much more overt partner.

Lucy Liu generally chose to underplay Joan to emphasize that contrast. She played Abbott to JLM's Costello. So Joan's emotional turmoil is more subtle, but for me, it's there. YMMV.

[andreal831]

the subtle racism portrayed by Julie Plec and TVDU (especially Klaroline fans) fans as well towards Michael Trevino (Tyler Lockwood) is something that will always irk my soul. Both the actor and the character were done SO BADLYYYYYY. I know that since Tyler is written as a white character, technically his writing wasn’t “racist”, but I have reason to believe that Julie may have written him the way she did due to her issues with Michael Trevino.

What do you think about Tyler Lockwood? I think he definitely is one of the characters with the most potential besides Bonnie, etc. Most of the POC in the show (actors/characters) had the most potential and were sidelined.

IN FACT, I can say the same about Enzo! Yeah, Enzo St John is a canonically white character, but Michael Malarkey is a mixed race man (Italian/Palestinian-Lebanese), and we know how Julie is towards POC.

Like I’m not trying to blame all the bad writing on racism and discrimination, but all the POC actors/characters have shitty storylines and a lot of them are racist.

Lucy, Sarah Salvatore (the black Salvatore), Enzo, Tyler, Marcel, Vincent, Bonnie, Qetsiyah, etc.

Coincidence?

Whenever I discuss race, I do want to preface it by saying, I am white so I am speaking from that point of view. If you disagree or have another perspective, I would love to hear it.

That being said, I don't even think we can call what happened on the set and in the show "subtle" racism. There was such overt racism throughout the show that it is hard to discuss the show in any way without discussing racism. Just because Julie Plec doesn't view her actions as blatantly racist, it doesn't mean they are not.

Just the fact that they had two actors who are ethically not white but were portrayed as white is telling. Both Michael Trevino and Michael Malarkey were made to appear white in the show when there really wasn't a necessity for it. Tyler being Mexican could have added to the history of the wolves or it could have even come from his mom's side, allowing them to cast a Latina woman. For Malarkey, his race isn't really discussed but it would have been so easy to show him making Bonnie a nice Lebanese meal when they were staying at the cabin (cause lord knows the zionists running the show wouldn't allow him to be Palestinian). I also personally just like Tyler and Enzo more than Damon. I would have been fine with killing Damon off earlier to allow more screen time for them.

A year or so ago, my friend began watching the show for the first time and by the time we got to The Originals, as soon as Sabine walked on screen, she said "Does she get killed this episode?" People of color, especially women of color, were treated as disposable by the network. To the point that Tyler and Enzo likely only survived as long as they did because they were "white" characters. But it is also still obvious how much worse they were treated than any other side characters. Tyler and Enzo are both killed in such nonsensical ways and then they have no justice or even mourning. Tyler was a lifelong friend of the Mystic Falls gang and yet Damon isn't even sternly lectured for killing him for zero reason. Tyler had escaped the supernatural world. What was the point of dragging him back on the show just to kill him and have Damon suffer no consequences. He was Caroline's first epic love and she just forgives Damon for it? And what was the point of Enzo's death? Just to make Bonnie suffer more? Just to make her attend the wedding of his murderer? I know Stefan had his humanity off, but that doesn't change the fact that Enzo was dead and Bonnie was still grieving.

Moving on to how the fandom treats them. There is honestly so much hate in this fandom sometimes, and you're right, there is definitely a racial element to it. The way Tyler is treated by the fandom is so telling. I don't know if a lot of the fandom even knows Michael Trevino's ethnicity, but he is clearly seen as "other" or "less than" by the fandom. We also have to acknowledge how his "angry outbursts" are seen as unacceptable but when Klaus does it, it is because he is just so "passionate." The scene where Caroline keeps pushing Tyler to forgive her for sleeping with his mother's killer comes to mind. He snaps but he makes no move to touch her, and this is after repeatedly telling her to leave and her pushing his boundaries. I have seen the fandom call him "disgusting" and an "abuser" because of this, celebrating the fact that Stefan punches him. Stefan uses physical violence against Tyler's words, yet Tyler is the abuser? Then we have, Klaus, who runs her through with a coat hanger and bites her because she said something slightly rude to him and he is praised for "saving her life." It's hard to believe there isn't a racial element here. I often say Klaus gets pretty privilege, but why isn't that awarded to Tyler? Because we can't deny that Michael Trevino is attractive (I'd say more attractive than Joseph Morgan but y'all will come for me).

There was so much left of Tyler's story. The fact that they even had the Lockwoods as the protectors of Inadu's bones in TO would have been a perfect way to bring him back. Can you imagine Hayley or Klaus having to go beg him for help? It would have been such an amazing moment. But no, instead they bring Matt Davis onto the show to make sure he could infect every single spinoff.

You mention all of these characters and that's just in TVD. TO was no better. One of my mutuals recently got into a Twitter 'discussion' with one of the writers and the writer attempted to claim that the Mikaelsons were white supremacists and that was the point of TO, to show it was bad. Yet, when did they do that? How did they show being a white supremacist is bad? The Mikaelsons were at the top of the food chain the entire time. Yes, they constantly had people coming for them, yet they always won and the writing was always done in a way to make the audience root for them to win. How many POC characters were sacrificed in order to prop up the main characters throughout the shows?

Whenever we talk about racism in the show, we have to talk about Bonnie. Bonnie was constantly having to sacrifice her own wants and happiness in order for her white friends, and even enemies, to get what they want. Often when she set a boundary, the fandom villainized her. According to the writing and the fandom, her entire purpose was to serve the white characters. That is blatant racism.

But it's not just Bonnie. It's her entire ancestry. The fandom seems to believe Emily is Katherine's friend in the flashbacks, but she is clearly either being enslaved or at least some type of servant to Katherine. We can go all the way back to Ayana who Esther stole her spell to create the vampires. Or to Qetsiyah who was cheated on and used in order to aid the white doppelgangers. These things separately may not raise any flags, but the fact that we see it happen repeatedly throughout the show tells us it's more than just a coincidence.

Let's not forget Damon was not a confederate solider in the books. Julie added that. And yes I know he deserted but he says it is basically because he was missing Katherine, not because he morally opposed what he was fighting for. They added the founding families and yet didn't make the Bennetts apart of it even though they had been there longer than anyone. They were actively celebrating slave owners. Tyler's mom makes a passing comment of why they have the chains in the cellars and everyone just moves on. They chose to have the Mikaelsons live on a plantation in New Orleans. They chose to hire a very white cast and make it even whiter by white washing and killing off POCs.

Sure TVD is set in Virginia, but Virginia is only 65% white. So why was the cast 99% white? Then they create a whole show in New Orleans where 59% of the population is black, yet we still have a majority white cast? And when they introduce POCs it is usually to serve the white cast. Both Vincent and Eva were brought on so there bodies could literally be used by the white characters. Eva and Vincent's trauma were completely neglected and Eva was even killed off to allow Rebekah to use her body as she pleased whenever Claire Holt wasn't available to be on set. I've already discussed the difference in how Aurora is treated versus Celeste by the show and the fandom. You can read that here. Marcel is constantly belittled and sidelined, even after he is upgraded. There are so many witches of color in New Orleans, yet Davina is the most powerful? Why couldn't she have been played by a POC?

The show repeatedly dehumanizes people of color, especially the women. It's not a coincidence. It is pure racism. And because the show does it, the fandom does it. I am not taking responsibility away from the fandom. Each individual person should know better. But media is supposed to influence society. If we grow up with media that glorifies and celebrates different races, cultures, ethnicities, the fandom will begin to as well. Julie had no desire to do that. All she cared about was ratings and her own racist viewpoint of the world. She could have done more research, or hell, even just listened to her cast, but she chose not to. The writing of the show suffered because of it, but even worse the actors and even fans suffer because of it.

There are so many great creators in this fandom who are POCs and I highly suggest following them. They are able to give better insight in the discussion of racism in the show. But please keep in mind, they do not owe you their time or energy. It is up to each of us to do our own research and learn.

Thank you for the ask! I hope I answered it. Sorry it was so long.

[comradesummers]

Can I ask why you don’t like lies my parents told me?

other people have put it better than i ever could, but in short, lies my parents told me is a deeply racist and misogynistic episode that bends over backwards to victim blame a black woman for being murdered by a white man. it's made all the worse because the episode actually had the potential to be good. robin wood is a really interesting character and the conflict between him and spike has a good set up. but because season 7 is the ensouled spike season, the writers no longer have any interest in presenting him as a complex and at times unlikable character. so rather than paying off the conflict they set up, they completely drop robin's arc, and make the whole episode about how spike has mommy issues for some reason. And he just wins in the end. no consequences, no real resolution, nothing. just the insane conclusion that nikki wood somehow didn't love her son because she let herself get murdered?? spike even gets to keep her fucking jacket. which honestly might be the most infuriating thing about the episode.

also, this is less important than the overt racism, but this is also the episode where giles betrays buffy, a conflict that isn't out of character per say, but it upsets me. all the more so because they never resolve it. not to mention they have buffy say that if she were once again given the choice between dawn's life and the world, she would choose to sacrifice dawn. and like i can interpret that as her being in denial or lying to herself, but it doesn't change the fact that this is the most out of character line in the entire show.

so yeah, not a fan.

[nodulemodule]

Camp Camp S5E1 opinions (spoilers)

I just watched the new episode of Camp Camp and nobody cares but here's what I have to say, first:

(this is your disclaimer to please watch the new episode LEGALLY and in a way that supports the creators. Even if that means blocking spoilers for a bit so you can watch it for free when it's available. It's a small team, and they deserve all the support they can get because making cartoons is hard!)

All this is my opinion, if you disagree, let me know! I genuinely want to discuss it. If you agree with me, then feel free to vent along with me and we can be excited or dissapointed together. The show qualifies as art and is open to criticism. Also WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE NEW SEASON PREMIERE OF CAMP CAMP!

Ok with all that garbage out of the way, here's what I have to say:

Likes:

• Max’s new voice is pretty good. I got used to it pretty quick. Props to the VA!

• Dolph’s new design is cute. I totally understand why they changed it and the redesign is good.

• DAVID WITH GUN. DAVID WITH GUN.

•I think the idea of the whole camp hating the trio is funny and I kind of wish they made it real even though it went against the point of the episode kind of.

• The part where the trio is shaming Preston and they all move in sync was the one part that made me laugh. I love when they're all being goofy together.

• I liked the idea with the circle in the dirt at first because I thought it was just Max’s way of illustrating a point and I thought it was cute how he included his friends. Started as a nice moment

• Nurf lovingly flipping them off was funny.

• my gwenvid heart was soaring. They were very cute and I wish we got a more overt gwenvid moment as a send-off. Like, it doesn't have to be made canon and can stay subtle but something for the fans would have been nice.

• Gwen’s new voice did a good job. Slightly different vibe to her but it wasn't bad at all. I liked it. It was an interesting change and I didn't mind at all.

• The scene with Max and David’s hike was beautiful and the best part of the episode by far. They're both so in character, they are well-written and their dynamic is so sweet, and the message rings true. It was a nice moment and something I think Max needed to hear.

• “somebody. Fucking. Has to.” GUYS WHEN I TELL YOU I FJGKRNGKRHDNR WHAT A CALLBACK. I wish they made David’s reaction a little longer and made it more of a moment because I nearly missed it at first but once I heard it I got so excited. Really, Max’s whole pep talk in that moment is very good.

• The camera is such a thoughtful and fitting gift for Max because he's struggling with letting go of camp, and the fact he uses it himself too makes it all the more sweet.

• My lil Makki heart jumped when Max came back and Nikki shouts his name. It was sweet, the excitement and joy in her voice. I forgot it was meant to be a joke at first honestly it was so sincere.

• the animation was great! I loved the facial animations, especially on David and Nikki. Idk why those two had such good expressions but I'm not complaining.

• the trio. They're such besties. I'm love them.

• Honestly the fight cloud with Nikki and Neil was fun idk why I liked watching them wrastle. Children fighting is amusing.

• I'm glad Gwen finally got recognized for her talent. It’s a running theme throughout the show that Gwen is more talented and capable than she lets on and this was a fine way to end it. Good for her.

• Whe- WUH- THE ENDING. WHERE ARE THEY GONNA GO FROM HERE? I AM EXCITED AND INTRIGUED

Dislikes:

• opening narration was unnecessary

• wish they introduced Dolph’s new look more organically. It deserves to be it’s own moment.

• why can't Nikki write? She's 9 not 4. She was never stupid.

• plot is all over the place. It's like two or three episodes smashed into one and there's not enough extra time for any of them. It lacks focus. If it were up to me I would have cut out the first half with the social media app and the trio trying to get people to like them. It felt like filler.

• it's just not very funny. There was maybe one joke that made me laugh. And not even hard. Camp Camp is usually pretty funny to me so I don't get what happened. The comedy is all so slow despite the plot being so crammed so I wonder if the delivery was faster if we would have more time for plot. Anyway, they just lacked any sort of setup or punchline. Just nothing jokes.

• Why does Max go along with trying not to be bossy? He clearly didn't care before and the way it's written it isn't implied he's doing it for his friends. It's like he suddenly did care about being liked out of nowhere. I think it would have been funny and made more sense if maybe Nikki or Neil made him play along, like Nikki bit him until he stopped.

• the circle thing. It was a cute idea at first because I thought Max was just making some kind of metaphor, and I thought that it was cute. I wish they kept it like that and just made it a sweet moment of Max expressing his devotion to his friends in his own way but instead they stay in the circle and are just unfunny for a few minutes and then Nikki says they ran away?? Like first of all why are you running away and also no, you didn't run away because you're still at camp. WHY ARE THEY IN THE CIRCLE IT DOES NOTHING FOR THE PLOT AND MAKES NO SENSE?

• I HATED THE CLOSE-UP OF NIKKI’S NOSE SO MUCH IT WAS SO UNFUNNY WHY IS SHE MADE TO BE SO UNLIKABLE FOR THAT ONE BIT JUST SO MAX CAN LOOK AT HER IN DISGUST IT WAS SO BAD

• Is it just me or do they keep playing sad music like... A lot? It just keeps popping up every other scene and at some point it just became funny to me. It's so badly paced out lol

• I mentioned Max’s pep talk was good and it was but also I wish that it was in a better written context. Like, I think it would have been a better end to the cliff scene instead of a way to motivate David to... fight a robot cause... He thinks he can't... Because reasons? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense and I think that it's supposed to connect but it really doesn't.

• Too much Preston. Never liked Preston never will. Why did he talk so much.

• the running gag of everyone being like “oooookay” when the trio assumes they hate them is just... So unfunny omg

• This episode suffers from season 4 syndrome, which was a characteristic of season 4 that I heavily disliked where they sacrifice the outrageous personalities of the characters to have them sit around and discuss life lessons that aren't even that profound to begin with. It's boring, unnatural, and uncharacteristic. At least make it funny. I don't want to see them sit on the ground and calmly discuss basic friendship lessons like I KNOW THAT NOW PLEASE DO SOMETHING INTERESTING.

• I wish David and Max got a better goodbye. I kind of liked David’s line of “That's good enough for me.” but I wish they expanded on it. Maybe have Max struggle to be sincere and make it more obvious that he's trying to act tough and David still sees through it. So he's like “I get that's you're struggling to be sincere so ill take what I can get because I appreciate the effort.”

Overall, it was kind of a mixed bag. It had some very VERY good moments and a lot of good ideas, but I think it was messy and didn't use it's time well, as well as not taking advantage of a lot of potential jokes. I understand that they likely had limitations but they tried to tackle too much with one episode. If I were to change anything I would cut the first half and work on giving the characters a more clear and smooth arc from beginning to end. Pick a focus and stick to it! Still, I'm excited to see where this will go!

[bestworstcase]

Ooo share the unorthodox ruby & oscar thoughts. Romance has never been a draw for me and in this case fanon flattens and honestly mutilates the significance and nuance to their relationship. There’s a lot of interesting things going on here that gets lost and I think that’s a shame

right so the rosegarden orthodoxy goes something like: "oscar is the Only Person who sees and understands the pressure ruby is under and the pain this causes, and the central conceit of his character is about learning how to take care of her because she is precious to him and needs to be taken care of." central to this orthodoxy is the reading of 'the little prince' as a romantic love story between the prince and the rose, with ruby interpreted as "his rose."

for a more thorough breakdown of my thoughts on the intertextual layer, refer to this post. the TL;DR is this: the rose is not the prince's partner—she is his dependent. he returns to her as her caretaker: a child grown up and ready to embrace the joys and responsibilities of parenthood. 'the little prince' is an allegory about parent-child relationships and the importance of treating children with respect and kindness. fortunately for the rosegarden shippers in the audience, ruby is not the rose. she alludes to the snake—the one character in the story who meets the prince as a friend and an equal. 

now, before getting into the weeds i do want to stress that, 1. i'm not a shipper and i don't "ship rosegarden" in the usual sense, but 2. ruby/oscar is canon and narratively important and i think about it in those terms.

"but oscar is a child, he's fifteen, he's two years younger than—" thank you for your opinion, person who ships ruby with another character 2+ years older than her, i'll take that under advisement. 

"but ruby doesn't need a love interest—" no character 'needs' a love interest, but rwby is a love story about fairytales and its romantic arcs are thematically motivated.

"but he has ozpin in his head and that makes it—" weird, yes. this tension is the fulcrum upon which the romantic arc turns and, also, it is going to be resolved by way of breaking the curse and removing ozma from oscar's head. this is a fairytale. what is not clicking.

here is my first unorthodox ruby/oscar thought: it is not complicated. the set up is really quite clear and if the rosegarden shippers would quit barking up irrelevant trees for five minutes they might notice the forest, which is to say, the foundational argument for canonicity is simply this:

marrow sees yang's disastrous stab at flirting with blake and comments, exasperated, "man, i did not sign up to be a babysitter." later, marrow watches ruby and oscar stammer through an awkward conversation resolving their volume-spanning emotional conflict and mutters, "ugh, kids." marrow's commentary underscores the tangible subtext of romantic interest in both exchanges and implies an equivalency between blake/yang and ruby/oscar.

the reunion scene in V8 is structured such that the platonic reunions occur first—ruby rushes out to hug yang, then clasps jaune's hands while yang hugs weiss—before the more lingering romantic ones. yang goes to reassure blake that things are okay and the bees forehead touch happens; ren steps forward to ask where nora is; ruby says oscar's name and goes to embrace him before emerald's presence distracts her. this again positions ruby/oscar together with the other textual romances.

that's it. there are plenty of supporting details with which to build out a more comprehensive argument, of course, but the narrative flags ruby/oscar by grouping that relationship together with the other two main pairings. (rwby does the same thing in a more overt way to confirm blake/yang […again] in V7; nora tries to initiate a romantic confession by comparing herself and ren to them.)

ozpin retreats from oscar's mind, leaving oscar free to be his own person—"i started to feel like me"—and during this time oscar comes into his own he develops an obvious crush on ruby as the narrative begins to not-so-subtly move this relationship into a romantic context. ozpin's absence opens the door for the pairing and ozma's return creates a seemingly-insurmountable obstacle. the romantic arc is about surmounting that obstacle—separating ozma and oscar—so that oscar can be free to live his own life.

it's not complicated.

so with all of that being said, let's talk about the notion—central to rosegarden orthodoxy—that oscar is uniquely supportive of ruby, and never leans on her the way all the other characters do.

in a word: no.

the cornerstone piece of evidence supporting this reading is the dojo scene in V5, construed as oscar "getting ruby to open up emotionally" leading to his recognition that "this must be really hard for her, too." but:

ruby comes downstairs to find oscar doubled over, panting heavily, with ozpin's cane in his hands—he's training alone, pushing himself almost to the point of collapse. this is not good for him or physically safe, which ruby would know as someone trained as a warrior from childhood. she says: "you're really getting better, huh? are you hungry? it's almost dinnertime." this is a soft way of telling oscar that he's done enough for the night and he should take a break. ruby is checking on him to make sure he's okay.

oscar agrees that he was "about to call it a night anyway," ruby asks about his past, he answers casually, she tells him he "looks like a natural!"—and then oscar looks down at long memory and says "it's strange. i've only had this cane for a few weeks, but i feel like i've had it for a lifetime. longer, even… i sound like a crazy person." 

"i mean, uh… yeah, just a little. but at this pace, you'll be combat ready in no time!" says ruby, and then catches herself echoing penny and gets sad.

what happened here?

oscar is training this hard because ozpin told him to, explicitly in order to increase the tempo of the curse: "oscar can give me temporary control, but he'll need to strengthen his body and aura. he'll inherit my muscle memory in time, but training will expedite the process." the reason oscar seems like a prodigy is ozpin's skill and experience bleeding through. 

in ruby's mind, "you look like a natural!" is a compliment. but what oscar hears is a reminder that his life is no longer his own: he gazes down at ozpin's weapon and states that he feels like it's belonged to him for lifetimes—and he doesn't like that. "i sound like a crazy person."

the reminder of what's happening to oscar makes ruby uncomfortable—she deflects and tries to put on a happy face, but the truth slips through. "you'll be combat ready in no time!" associates oscar with penny—who is dead. neither ruby nor oscar will say it out loud, but they both understand that he's going to die as ozpin's soul amalgamates with his. and when oscar begins to open up about how scared he is, ruby flinches away—gotta stay positive!!!—only to trip on her grief for penny.

her smile falters. she tucks into herself and turns away. in trying to hide from the thought of oscar being erased, ruby reminded herself of penny. she's already watched helplessly while two of her friends died. she is scared of letting herself get close to oscar, knowing that she won't be able to save him either. so she tries to withdraw.

but she's the first—and so far, only—person oscar has ever tried to talk to about how scared he is, and what he sees is ruby brushing him off and turning her back. "how do you handle all of this?! […] i'm… scared. i'm more scared than i've ever been in my life, more than i ever thought was possible. i always knew that i wanted to be more than a farmhand, but this? who would ask for this?"

<- note the echo here of what ozpin said to him in V4: "you do have an opportunity [for] greatness: greatness in knowing that when the world needed help, you were the one to reach out your hand. it won't come without hardship, without sacrifice, but i know you don't want to live the rest of your life working as a farmhand in mistral," which oscar experienced as a violation ("you just decided to read my thoughts?!") and which ozpin justified on the grounds that "well, they're our thoughts now."

the dojo scene is not about oscar offering ruby emotional support or pushing her to open up about her feelings because he can see that she's hurting. the dojo scene is about oscar breaking down and begging ruby to hear him, to be here with him instead of turning away because he's terrified of what ozpin is doing to him and ruby is dealing with all the same problems but acts like she doesn't care. "people have tried to kill you! the world's about to go to war all over again! how are you okay with any of this?!"—he lashes out at her because he's seeking a real connection and ruby keeps brushing him off.

so ruby—who is very empathetic and insightful enough to recognize why oscar just exploded at her—tells him honestly why she turned away. two of her friends died at beacon, and she is scared specifically of letting anyone else be killed. this is an important emotional moment for her in that she really did need to talk about penny and pyrrha, yes, but that's not quite the point of this scene.

rather, it's about the choice to be vulnerable and trust each other with absolute emotional honesty. oscar is afraid to die. ruby is afraid to lose another friend, and therefore afraid to let herself become close to oscar. he opens up to her about his fears and challenges her to reciprocate, and she does. that's the basis of their bond. by extension the dojo scene also sets up the core emotional conflict underpinning the romantic arc, which is that ruby can't bring herself to face the truth about what ozma's curse is doing to oscar.

that comes between them here. it floats uneasily around them in the aftermath of what jinn tells them: "i'm just going to be another one of his lives, aren't i?" says oscar, and "of course not," says ruby, "you're your own person—" and "don't lie to him, ruby," says qrow, "we're better than that."

at the end of V6, ruby exclaims that "oscar made a successful crash landing! he's a fourteen year old farmhand!" and oscar squirms and admits that ozpin helped him do that. in V7, yang confronts ruby on her choice to lie to ironwood by asking "how did oscar feel about that?" and the way oscar felt about it is hesitant to take the lamp back and fretting that "hiding things from ironwood, doesn't that feel like what ozpin did to us?" and ruby echoes that fear to qrow in the next episode. 

the rest of V7 is filled with references, courtesy of ironwood, to oscar's similarity to ozpin. "eventually," ironwood tells him, "you won't even know who's who anymore." but oscar never stops trying to assert himself as an individual. in V8, salem rubs the thinning boundary between him and ozma in oscar's face and that terrifies him so badly that he insists upon staying put under torture rather than let ozpin take over or risk using magic because "every time we use magic, i can feel us merging faster." 

they exit the volume more in sync, notionally on equal terms—and then in the ever after, this happens:

ruby cuts neo's simulacrum of ozpin down and reveals oscar, mortally wounded. she's spent four volumes pretending everything is fine—encouraged by ozpin's withdrawal and some of her grief eased by  penny's return—and all that denial ends here. she experiences what scared her back in the dojo scene, getting close to oscar only to watch him die, subsumed completely by ozpin.

here's what you're most afraid of. what are you going to do about it?

<- pyrrha is gone. penny is gone, and not coming back. but oscar is alive, and ruby can't pretend anymore that the way things are is okay. she's going to have this image of oscar dying in ozpin burning in her mind every time she sees oscar and (just as nora's injury led ren to admit his feelings and yang's apparent death gave her and blake the push they needed to take the next step) that demands change.

what that change will look like is an open question—it could be anything from ruby simply opening up to oscar about how scared she is of losing him in particular to ruby actively trying to come up with a way to save him—but whatever it is will move toward separating ozma from oscar.

similarly, while oscar recognizes at the end of the dojo scene that "this must be really hard for her too," his mild hero-worship of her continues unabated throughout V5 (think about oscar shaking her and telling her "get up! we need you!" while she's unconscious at haven) and even after they find a more even footing during V7-8 he still contributes to the weight on her shoulders (it is oscar saying "all this doubt and and worry and distrust, it isn't getting us anywhere" that causes ruby to snap and run out of the room in V8). oscar, too, is forced to confront the fact of her mortality. how does he respond when ruby turns out to be alive?

well.

one of the obstacles to the ozlem reconciliation is that ozma has never allowed himself to empathize with salem's grief—he was dead, he never saw her anguish, and the way jinn narrates ozpin's side of the story dismisses the very real pain and anguish salem felt as merely a pretext for what was really just spiteful lashing out at the gods. ozma leapt at the chance to return to her but he has never really understood that she felt the same depth of feeling for him.

he's in oscar's head right now. they are separate people still, but ozma feels what oscar feels and thinks what he thinks and remembers his memories—and also they're on speaking terms again. and oscar has been put in salem's position: he looked up to ruby as a noble hero, he had nascent romantic feelings for her, and now she's gone. oscar to sit with that for several weeks, maybe a couple months, before ruby comes back. and ozma has to bear witness.

i think the change this incites for oscar will be less about ruby than it is a reason for oscar to challenge ozma, building from the ways oscar challenges him in V8 (to trust oscar, to become more honest, to face his mistakes) and giving oscar a chance to continue to maintain his own identity separate from ozma. which again, facilitates an eventual physical separation and the ozlem reconciliation.

<- rip to all the rosegardeners who want ruby/oscar to be the rebound and/or narrative refutation of ozlem. it is not that. lol.

[practically-an-x-man]

30, 34, 42, 51

For whoever you wanna talk about!!! <3

Thank you so much! I think I'll answer this for Quinn and Billy!

Ask Game for OTPs and Self Ships

30. Your OTP gets to pick out each other’s outfits; what is each wearing?

Let's see... if they're picking based on what they'd want to see the other one in, Billy would really love to see Quinn all dressed up! Now don't get him wrong, he's not picking something prissy - he loves the punk look on her, and "dressed up" doesn't have to mean "prom queen" - but he's never had the chance to see her really dressed up nice before and boy does he want to. But if they're picking outfits for everyday wear, he's picking something as comfy as possible, since he hates seeing her in pain.

Honestly, Quinn would want to see Billy dressed up nice as well! Like I said, they've never really had the chance for that before, and it's one of those things where... I mean, let's be real, they've both imagined it here and there and would really want to see how it played out in reality

34. Who’s more likely to tell a dirty joke or story to make the other blush?

Both of them with the dirty jokes, but Quinn is more likely to blush. Quinn is more find of the little innuendos and cheeky remarks, not to mention she tends to keep the bedroom talk more between the two of them, but Billy is quite a bit more overt and is completely unafraid to make dirty jokes in front of the rest of the team (now, he draws a line at invasive questions about their private life, like we see in one of the chapters of Desert Song, but dirty jokes are more than fair game)

42. What’s their favorite type of weather to enjoy together? (getting snowed in together, watching thunderstorms, etc.)

Not that there's much weather variety living out in the desert, but... assuming they're living somewhere with a few more distinct weather events, I think those cloudy, subtly-damp days would be their favorites. It's just damp enough that Quinn can claim a rest day without feeling bad about it, but not damp enough that she's actually in a tremendous amount of discomfort for her joints. And if they're in a more active mood, that kind of weather tends to make people a little gloomy and distracted- perfect for nicking a few wallets.

51. What’s a non verbal way they say I love you?

For Billy, it's showing the way he knows her. Picking up a pack of her favorite sodas when he sees them in a store, having pain meds and a heating pad ready on a bad pain day without her even needing to ask, noticing when she's tried a new makeup look and complimenting her on it, offering to help her re-dye her hair once the color starts fading, things like that. He's the type of guy who really pays attention to the details even when he doesn't seem to be listening, and it's those details that he shows his affection with.

For Quinn, it's inviting him to see her and support her in her vulnerable moments. Billy wants to support her through anything, but usually he's the one to offer when she needs it, since Quinn feels like she has to keep pace with the people around her despite her disabilities. Acknowledging that she needs help, and choosing to rely on him specifically (asking him to get her something so she doesn't have to get up, putting an arm around his shoulders so he can hold her up, even outright asking if he'll carry her on the worse days), is a show of how much she loves and trusts him. And this applies even in vulnerabilities unrelated to her disability - like the first time she invited him to shower with her, even though she can get dysphoric about being naked. She trusts him more than she hates admitting she has weaknesses, and that's love to her.

[malwaredykes]

one of the effects of Being Shot In The Head that took leigh a hot minute to realize is that she found herself pretty much unable to experience proper emotions. though she cant remember her old self very well, she thinks she used to be able to feel things like anger, joy, grief, terror. now she cant even imagine what those things felt like, and cant for the life of her describe them using her own words. its like being told to imagine&describe being unconscious, or being an inanimate object, or being a large group of people at once. what shes left with in terms of available emotional states is: a chronic underlying sense of dread/anxiety, nagging frustration, and brief smug satisfaction at solving a problem or figuring something out (something that feels like the unraveling of a painful knot in her head). and a lot of the aforementioned anxiety stems precisely from not feeling things she kind of senses she ought to be feeling. its like she can see the negative space, the void left where the "right" reaction/emotion ought to be, and she can kinda work with that, but it stresses her out (which in turn is more of a physical feeling than anything else). despite her general Umm Reason And Logic attitude she definitely does not devalue emotions--they serve a purpose, and while they can impair judgment, they can also enhance it, by keeping a person grounded and connected to other people, and by providing necessary shortcuts that make it so anything gets done. it worries her that she cant feel angry on somebody's behalf when she knows a grave injustice was done to them, she can't even feel angry or upset when somebody wrongs her, and she doesn't feel scared when faced with obvious immediate danger. once again she cant quite tell what she was like before being shot, how in-control she was of her emotions, how well she could relate to others, stuff like that. but as is obvious by now, shes very susceptible to overt self-scrutiny. as an ocd-haver. obviously a big part of her drug use is just self-medicating, though she doesnt think of it that way at all (which too is one of her many idiosyncrasies). hell she doesnt even quite laugh at things that are funny to her, shes just like. ooh thats funny, thats good. i think in all of that she forgets that joy missing from her life also affects her a lot. things just dont really make her happy. she's curious, she's determined, she can tell when something would make her happy or ought to make her happy, but the emotion just isn't there. in this way, having her love reciprocated doesnt even quite make a difference to her--which in itself isnt true, because of course it would; even if she cant feel happiness emotionally, being held and loved and cared for feels good on many levels, and since solving problems still feels good to her, well, not to get overly poetic but love (any love; platonic, romantic, etc) is a solution... no woman is an island. the fact that she can feel love and attachment despite everything, even though its very difficult for her to identify or admit to herself or comprehend, is proof enough. leigh, you love your friends... yes, how it feels to her is the reasonable efforts to work together, to look out for each other, to satisfy biological human instincts for interactions and companionship, and to use ones influence in somebody else's life to improve it as much as possible, because improving things is an Essential Rule. which, all of the above is honestly kind of funny when actually described, cuz like, wow leigh you sure love to overthink things. miss r/iamverysmart. but she is kind of lost! she can still see and feel those negative spaces, those missing pieces, theyre all over the place. as is the mental fog, the hallucinations, the occasional seizures. some part of her sense of self was ripped away from her and she doesnt even know how to feel angry at the guy who did it.