#doesn't help that they contacted said guardian despite the giant red writing on my file saying she's dangerous and not to do that

[delusion-of-negation]

why do I miss someone who demonised everything I did, made active effort to make me feel like a monster, made me do all the work to initiate and continue conversation, admitted to thinking about me very little, ruined my death and subsequently what is remaining of my life, had me locked in a place I was abused in a decade prior, so I had to sleep in a bed identical to the one I was abused in, in a room identical to one I was abused in, staring at ceilings identical to those I stared at while abused, all while he's mocking my personal shit and my suicide attempt with random people, and then told me, while my kidneys were still failing, he wouldn't ever speak to me again? like, I get I hurt/upset him too during the ordeal, and we both would defend our side with stuff about how we were trying our best in a complicated situation... obviously I'm not saying "he's an asshole through and through", simply "why do I have all these negative emotions about all this, however none of them influence the stupid chunk of my brain to reconsider missing him?" I had a nightmare last night where I'm trying to get him into star trek and my asshole guardian was not happy with anything I did, and he was barely paying attention, it sucked, and yet a part of me was like "just like old times :)" what possesses me to be so fucking stupid? it's been months, I gotta either rip out that part of my brain or die, I can't keep living with people like them occupying my thoughts like this, it's tiresome.