#does anybody else want to unlearn shame with me

[amoebeau]

2025 the year of doing Nothing

[sepublic]

Amity’s Unattainable Standard

           It says a lot that Amity is hiding the reason why she stopped being friends with Willow because she feels ashamed that she wasn’t strong enough to be her friend. To Amity, she allegedly cut ties because Willow wasn’t strong enough, when in reality it was Amity who was the weakling… To Amity, this moment is shameful because it represents weakness! This girl has been so gaslit, had her priorities so horrifically reworked, that she sees a memory of her parents abusing her, and views it instead as another example of how Amity is a hypocrite and a coward who would abandon her friends to save her own skin.

          She’s the kind of person who would hide evidence of her parents abusing her, not so much because she doesn’t want to admit that they’re horrible people, but because their abuse has skewed Amity’s morality to the point where she would see scars as proof that she’s weak and deserving of punishment (because why else would she have been punished), and THAT is the greatest moral failing of all to her!

          Amity is someone who blames herself for getting hit because it proves she was a bad daughter for making her parents ‘resort’ to this level of punishment… That if Amity couldn’t defend herself, then clearly she is in the wrong for not being able to do that, while her parents are at worst neutral in terms of morality. To Amity, being punished by her parents is objective proof that she’s a bad person…

          Like, Amity would see a memory of herself being abused by her parents and wince because it’s a moment of shame for her, because it shows that she was weak and thus a bad person! Imagine what was going on in Willow’s head, like… This girl DID do damage, and she IS apologizing. But Inner Willow must be having a crisis over how messed up the whole scenario is, seeing just how skewed Amity’s morals and standards are to realize just how intensely critical she is of herself, for every single thing that could even be remotely viewed as ‘failure’.

          To Amity, if there is any room for improvement, any way in which she could have done things better, it means she’s a bad and incompetent person for not having done things ideally! Like if someone drops two bowls and she manages to save one, Amity will be angry at herself for not saving the second one too, because it was so close to her and she already has two hands! She’d view that moment of her saving one out of two bowls as a moment of shame because she could’ve done better, which really ties into the obscene pressure her parents have placed…

           They’re always telling Amity to be the absolute bestat everything she does, that if others are capable of the same then how come she isn’t!? Amity is always re-examining everything she does and wondering how it could’ve been done better and improved upon, and as a result she’s never satisfied with everything she does for herself, because she wasn’t doing her best… Or at least, her best wasn’t THE best! She’s never content with her accomplishments, it’s never enough to Amity and she wants to be better, it’s a very tragic twist on greed and desire…

          You know the idea that one has a moral obligation to do the right thing? That failure to do good when the situation compels you to is proof of being a bad person, or something like that? Amity is that idea, but dialed up to eleven for herself, and that if anybody else messes up, even if she’ll be critical of them initially… It’s just as likely that after forgiving them, she’ll then reexamine the situation under the impression that she and only she should’ve handled it better!

           Then Amity directs all of the guilt towards herself and acts as if the person she wronged, even if they HAD messed up, was actually completely innocent and trying their best; Whilst as an Elite Blight, Amity is more than capable of doing the best decision at things, which means that if she doesn’t do it, that’s HER fault and thus proof she’s a bad person!

          And it’s both condescending and arrogant, and self-critical… Like other people can’t be expected to be as good at things because they’re lesser, which means it’s not REALLY their fault if they fail because that’s just who they are, it’s just their nature! But Amity is a Blight and predisposed towards being good and competent, so if she does otherwise then her own failure is basically a deliberate choice and, again, another moral failing on her part!

          For Amity, other people do bad things but that’s just who they are so it’s not REALLY their fault, but being a bad person isn’t who she is… So doing bad stuff is even worse for her, so in a sense she DOES see herself as inherently good, but in a way that makes Amity far too self-critical of her own mistakes by consequence! Amity doesn’t expect the same of others because her expectations of them are already lowered due to the elitism instilled by her parents; But by consequence, she is extra-critical of herself and always realizing where she could’ve done better, and how it would’ve been such an easy fix too, because she’s done better than this before and SHOULD be better!

          If somebody else messes up, Amity isn’t disappointed nor surprised, that’s just expected, and so she learns that it’s normal and thus fine… But not with herself, because she’s a Blight! Because if Amity can do one thing right, what’s stopping herself from doing another thing right? And so on and so forth… It’s a horrifically black-and-white mentality for herself, that you can only do the absolute best, or else you just fail… All or Nothing, in a sense!

           It’s that philosophical question… If a person has a good nature but does a bad thing, does this make them worse than someone who does a bad thing but is already predisposed towards evil anyway, and was thus ‘born’ this way, never chose that nature, and can’t be blamed for it? For Amity, the answer is a resounding yes… If others mess up that’s just how it usually is, and every good thing they do says a lot about them overcoming their own nature or whatever, and is thus extra-meaningful and more commendable on their part! But because Amity is ‘naturally great’, it means that every failure she does is extra-horrific because she easily has the predisposition to be otherwise, yet STILL messes up!

           …And yet, paradoxically, Amity no doubt sees people like Luz and Willow as unironically 100% ‘better’ than her by this point, in every way shape or form! Because even if she’s learning not to be so critical of others or at least not have this mentality be backed by an elitist mindset, Amity is still judging herself by comparative standards and metrics, and is thus bound to be dissatisfied with everything else she does…

          Because again, she’s still an abused kid so sometimes she’ll still operate on a hypocritical and illogical double-standard, even if she’s beginning to see others as equal to her now! And that double-standard now works only to hold Amity accountable for any possible ‘failure’, whilst absolving her parents of the guilt! Which means that if people are mean to Amity, that means she actually deserves it, whilst if others are meant to her friends, that’s WRONG because they’re actually good people and better than Amity and thus deserve better! So Amity is now half-correct at least.

          And that leaves Amity wowed at people like Luz and Willow, for actually being happy and content at life and so naturally good at things that she isn’t! Amity is very much a Nature instead of a Nurture person, as typical of someone who was told that some people are born ‘better’ than others… So if she’s not good at something immediately, it proves that it wasn’t cut out for her after all!

          Which, leads me into my headcanon that Amity was a Gifted Kid who actually DID start off as doing things effortlessly and with a lot of passion… But then as she got older, she got burnt out and things came a lot less easily to her, which made Amity feel terrible because she knows she can be better than this! Not just as a Blight, but as who she was in general! And with people like Luz telling Amity she’s actually a good person, her abuse will lead her to misinterpreting this as an indication that all of her past and present failures are now even worse because yadda-yadda, you get what I mean!

           Just… SOMEBODY let this kid be happy, Amity’s really working to unlearn her toxic elitist mindset, but instead of turning it off all at once by realizing that there are no merits to judge others by, she’s instead doing it bit by bit… Deciding that THIS person doesn’t deserve to be judged like this, then this person…

          And Amity’s ALMOST finished and applied this leniency towards all others, except herself! Even her parents are arguably no longer held to the elitist ‘Blight’ standard, in the sense that if they do bad things to her friends, then that’s wrong and Amity should stick up for her acquaintances… But if the Blight Parents do bad things to AMITY, then that’s because SHE wasn’t good enough! Which again, gets me to my final point;

           Amity’s greatest, most fundamental flaw is that she doesn’t love herself. She’ll do things for others and love them vigorously, but she’ll never do things for herself. Because even now, Amity still sees her worth as only coming from what she can do for others, and keeps insisting that other people know what’s best for her. This idolization has shifted from her parents to her friends, which is better… But in the end, this kind of blind obedience shouldn’t exist to begin with! And for one last time, perhaps Amity should look at her own progress, and say that’s not good enough… And thus decide it’s time to forgive herself as well! Because if she can forgive everybody else… Then why can’t she forgive herself, too?

           (And then after that she can ditch the mentality of “Why can’t I do this too?” or at least completely rework it into something positive and healthy with plenty of room for leniency for herself.)

           TL;DR The main reason why Amity didn’t want Willow and Luz to see that memory of her parents blackmailing her, was because Amity saw it not as two parents abusing a helpless child who was just doing what they could to survive… But instead viewed it as a moment of pathetic weakness on her part for not doing the right thing, and thus something for Luz and Willow to judge her over (because how dare Amity not be strong enough to vouch for Willow like this)!

          After all, Amity should be better and stronger than this, and up until now she claimed that she stopped being friends with Willow becauseAmity was strong! So that claim would’ve been a lie as well, but in a way that made Amity look like a hypocrite! If it was Amity’s decision to cut ties with Willow, then at least it would’ve been HER decision… But because it was her parents’, it undermines Amity’s alleged strength and reveals herself as a weakling, which makes her ashamed and embarrassed! Because to Amity, being weak is the worst thing you can do…

           So, somebody (Luz) should tell this kid that not only is it OKAY to be ‘weak’, but that Amity was also never weak to begin with, and that the whole concept of ‘weakness’ is dumb and stupid anyway!

          (I should add that Amity sometimes has moments of ‘illogical’ emotion where she just acts in the moment, and drops all pretenses of what’s right or wrong in favor of what makes her comfortable VS what doesn’t, that this mentality doesn’t apply to literally everything she does; And around people like her siblings, Amity can lowkey lighten up and let herself be annoyed with their teasing, because she knows she doesn’t want this and prioritizes her desires over what she ‘deserves’.

          By the end of the day she IS still just a kid and not some radical zealot, even if she was lowkey on the path towards being indoctrinated like one by her parents’ abuse, up until Luz came along! Sometimes Amity lets herself be annoyed by petty things without bothering to think too hard about it –since she’s a kid- and that’s healthy!)

[decolonizingmyfeels]

Audience turns out a wonderful prompt for my own writing, when I can remember to treat it as such.

The process of trying to imagine how to quickly and efficiently, perhaps even catchily, convey what I've been writing about, is helping me write about it, to cut together more clearly the connections I've been exploring in answer to the riddle of my own body..

It's been snowing outside, I'm in a puzzle kind o' mood, and I've found the ones that happen also to help with my pain.

Even if I never write a book - whether by my own depression, or fear, or some "external problem" I can easier forgive myself for - the process Itself is healing.

For Me. and that is enough.

I do not owe that my healing reach anybody else other than in the ways it does naturally. If my healing comes to you only in the form of my own well-being, I'm sorry that is not proof enough to you of your own benefit in it.

Colonialism thrives on keeping a distinction between the two.

For must of us our well-being Comes in the shape of sustainability and mindful consumerism, in the shape of awareness of the experiences of the marginalized, in the shape of self-assurance enough to not want to destroy what we don't understand. In the shape of things that ripple.

The trick is clearing way for access to Education and Resources enough for Everyone to "self-care" Knowledgably and Effectively. 

For those for whom a community is healthy, self-care naturally BeComes caring for that community. For those for whom it is not healthy, we have no choice but to trust them on that. We may be surprised how much more temporary the need for withdrawal becomes when it is Allowed to exist.

And the rest of us are left to trust our own selves just as much.

The paradox of decolonial activism is unlearning our moral motivations for it.

Colonialism IS the moral binary - and we as queers, as people of color, as mentally "ill," as identities silenced - are in preparation to stop punishing ourselves, and our communities, with the notion of "bad," and let empathy be simply hedonistic pleasure. 

We cannot shame people into caring. We cannot shame them into understanding the pleasure of breaking yourself open, and wider; of making space for diversity, and therefore dissonance.

We cannot survive trying to convince abusers that we matter.

But we can educate those who are willing, about pleasure. We are growing ready to stop distinguishing between it and art. Between activism and art. Between careers and art. Between education and art. Between healing and art. Between mythology and art. Between play and art.

.

Art's beauty is that there is no correct kind, yet it will always crave empathy when encouraged to flourish.

The illness is forgotting that this does not make it special.