#do they realize. oops. probably should have told dazai first...... oh well. kunikida can deal with That mess

[zukkaoru]

i love chuuya figuring out they're nonbinary during the time they're with the sheep or it always being something the just sort of Knew. i like the idea of them feeling that disconnect from the gender binary as far back as their memory goes and just rolling with it. but the more i think about it, the more i also like it not being something they figure out until post-doa arc/post-canon.

like.. chuuya not having the language or the means to figure out what they feel in terms of gender while with the sheep (or even in their early mafia days) and so they just sort of. push it down and ignore it. and they hold onto the concept of masculinity because fitting into the binary keeps them human, in their eyes. they don't need any more reasons for people to question their humanity; they don't need any more reason to question it themself. but slowly, they begin to realize they've been holding themself to a different standard than everyone else. gin can play around with their gender identity and presentation, and chuuya has never seen them as less human for it. ranpo can casually drop that they're not a man after chuuya mistakenly refers to them as one, and chuuya will correct themself without batting an eye. when akutagawa starts referring to atsushi with they as well as he, chuuya makes a mental note of the change and that's that. so why is it when chuuya wants to separate themself from their birth gender, it's suddenly an argument against their humanity?

maybe it isn't until chuuya is twenty-three (ish) that they truly accept their own genderqueer-ness. maybe it takes years of ignoring the obvious signs before chuuya is ready to accept that part of who they are. maybe ever-confident port mafia executive nakahara chuuya is still unsure about some things, and that's okay, because they've got time to figure it out.