#do not tag as dscourse though. it is not dscourse.

[redandfranticfeelings]

questioning being asexual and/or aromantic (or along the spectrum) on this site is hell but Not just for the obvious discourse reasons. but also because so much discussion of asexuality on this site seems to be framed around either appealing to allosexuals or putting them down rather than discussing the experience of just Being asexual / aromantic, and i get that because it's hard to discuss the Absence of a feeling without referencing the alienation you feel compared to everything around you.

but a lot of the jokes and memes (and this goes for the entire queer community on tumblr especially) boil down to this strange competitive attitude among sexualities, this belittlement of anybody who has a different experience, jokes about how ace people are better than others because they don't have sex, this overcompensation that forgets that, actually, most forms of sexual expression are already heavily scrutinized for the same core reason as asexuality (the push for heterosexual sex for the sake of procreation). posts agreeing with literal conservative talking points about censoring sexual expression (even inexplicit) at spaces that allow it because of their personal distaste. so much of the discussion reads like spiting romance and sex rather than spiting amatonormativity and finding joy in not having it yourself.

and then on the flip side, you'll have the discussions about the spectrum of asexuality, and how many ace people are okay with some things and not others, which is great! but sometimes it feels like talking about one experience invites people to assume you're excluding the other (this post explains it well), and as someone whose questioning stems from Genuinely Not Knowing What The Fuck Sexual Attraction Feels Like, i find it hard to find spaces actually describing it, rather people just explaining what it isn't. (there's a good chance i may experience sexual attraction but not arousal, but i only ever really see people defend the notion of having sex but not feeling attraction, not the other way around, but i genuinely don't know what constitutes sexual attraction, it just seems to Exist as a concept everyone is supposed to immediately recognize and distinguish from other forms of attraction!)

i think a lot of the chase for "validity" in the community makes it difficult for me to find resources on what it's like to just be ace rather than what it's like to argue with people about asexuality, because even bringing up these issues was difficult for me, and i spent over a year as a teenager going along with toxic exclusionary views i didn't fully believe because i had these concerns, but the only people voicing them were trying to exclude discussions about asexual oppression entirely. and i think it's worth having these discussions in a fair way, and maybe people are and i just don't see enough of it. even when trying to ask about things that genuinely confuse me, things i might recognize in myself if i could have some questions answered, people assume hostility and/or just give a cyclic explanation.

idk i just want to feel like it's possible to be asexual and be comfortable with the prospect of never having sex while also not caring about whether other people would rather have sex or not. because the whole point of this fight should be that sex should be a morally neutral act.