#do not perceive me for a while
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weekly navel-gazing update: this week is most consequential event in long time. keyword search: "scared" "is it ok to be scared" "beaten and tortured by the ogre"




#old director of south asian studies just talked to me to let me know theyll be joining me to sit on my panel while i present two projects#in two days and intimated they could discuss supervising potential grad work or dissertations despite funding freezes#she is respected used to do the gender studies program coordinating too#and their TA PhD student super severe standoffish goth walked up to me in front of seminar to thank me for my portfolio of essays#on poverty homelessness and environmental stuff and said it was TOUCHING and i should be proud and shell also be attending#after the director of student research invited them#and research director happens to specialize in borderlands and caribbean and empire and she emailed me to say#she left me a signed copy of her book with a really lovely message#and a protein bar because she knows i have diabetes and other illnesses but bike like ten miles a day between work and school#and then she emailed me and offered car ride if i wanted#and i was touched and surprised and now im like uh oh this is important i guess#and like uh oh i really shouldve taken the week off work or something why am i working forty hours for this#well precarious rent i guess but still wish i hadnt spent past four months just going to retail job and had instead hung out more with#faculty and hope i didnt waste my chance to get to know them#also is im just going to wear that outfit to conference hope not perceived as too informal#no family whatsoever so there was no one like interested or checking in on me to like help me see that the developments were significant#a year ago i was nothing but nightshift retail with NO prospects and rapidly worsening health#and there wasnt even a glimmer of hope for possibility of positive social environment let alone school
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desperately trying not to crash out and deactivate my Tumblr before the DP fantasy zine drops
#It's not because of anything bad happening online.#It's entirely within my own mind and I just......don't feel like throwing my art into the social media void anymore.#It's become too much and I'm sick of never feeling 'good' enough to be on this website.#I push myself all the time to be better and improve and frankly the negative self talk I put myself through to get there is crushing me.#It's embarrassing to admit because I prefer to maintain a certain amount of anonymity and distance from my online presence#gotta maintain that 'cool artist' persona and all that.#but full disclosure I battle deep insecurities daily based entirely on my own perceived self. Someone who I'm certain doesn't even exist#except within my own mind.#even in this vent post I'm sure I'm being overdramatic and going through a rough patch I'll recover from soon.#realistically I'm not going to deactivate so I apologize for that scare.#I do wonder if erasing my online presence would help sometimes but eh 🤷#delete later#anyway I have art queued for the rest of the week but I might not be around for a while. ✌
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not enough discussion about the gavins' complicated relationship with feminine-coded/beauty products, i don't think.
#for klavier because it's not as direct it's about how we never see him actually wearing lipstick? even though apollo literally attends#a concert of his which is where you'd most expect him to wear makeup. but apparently he just doesnt. or at least not in public#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#i feel like there are several ways you can read into it. the misogyny/toxic masculinity one is really obvious clearly with kristoph's#singling out of men specifically and klavier's (probably accidental?) condescending manner of calling women 'fraulein' plus his general#mildly patronising attitude towards many of the women in the game (also probably unintentional)#(i think he's trying to be charming and it's coming off wrong to some of them. like ema. and me.)#but i feel like there's also maybe an element of... inherent perfecfionism to it? like both of these products are conventionally beautifyin#products and kristoph while he is open to showing people he uses nail polish specifically chooses one that's clear and missable unless you#see him apply it. he also feels the need to justify his use of it and specifically spell it out as something he chooses to do rather than#needs to do even though duh. that should be obvious.#idk there's just something about his seeming need to take control of that narrative that i find interesting. his need to spin it into a#'there's nothing wrong with my nails but I had the foresight to see that even the smallest parts of my appearance should be kept immaculate#and it's a choice i'm making to refine an already adequate part of my personage /not/ to cover some unsightly defect.' the need to emphasis#that specifically is so. hm. and with klavier i could see it being a case of him liking makeup liking the pops of colour yet being unwillin#to admit to it because he's afraid that other people might see it as him being dissatisfied with his own appearance regardless of if he is#or isn't. or even just perceiving colourful makeup as being unseemly because it's so overt and unnatural.#like i can see this as them both viewing 'real' beauty to be that which is inherent to a person and seemingly effortless#thus somehow negating the beauty which one achieves through cosmetics or other external means.#and if you want to use external means to achieve beauty or neatness or whatever then your only valid options are those which blend into you#natural state. like clear nail polish. or really awful spray tan.#i feel like klavier's less confined by these ideas (if they hold merit at all) considering he actually owns coloured lipstick and he wears#jewellery (admittedly quite 'masculine' jewellery no gems or pearls or anything like that but jewellery nonetheless) but i think it just#makes it more interesting that he doesnt seem quite able to cross the line anyway. like it's that ingrained into his system.#anyway that's all i've got. you guys should tell me what you think too#annotations
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Its snowing in Texas rn so this is my obligatory snow day post
#magi#kougyoku#judar#me and kougyoku the same. i too have never seen so much snow#i played all morning! and then drew this while i dried off#EEEKK THE SNOW IS SO FUN!!#this isnt meant to be ship art but if you want to perceive it thay way go ahead. theyre cute#kouha dressed them btw#yes Kou probably gets snow. do i care? not really#and judar has done a lot of traveling so he’s seen snow and not cared for it#my art#fanart#ren kougyoku#magi kougyoku#kougyoku ren#judar magi#judal#judal magi#fave#magi: the kingdom of magic#magi: the labyrinth of magic#magi fanart#comfort character
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(revolution man; book 21)
vs
(city of the dead; book 49)
the doctor is literally a glue trap that fitz got stuck in. don't pull him out though because he likes it there
#this juxtaposition is driving me insane a little bit though#like the way sam views the doctor as a staunch upholder of. idk. ethics and morality#as a 'hero' essentially - as she puts it#while fitz perceives him more like an innocent. a bystander. an 'innocent'#if he does something bad it wasn't his fault/the bad thing wasnt even that bad really/the circumstances made him do it but regardless#the doctor is someone who needs protecting#the doctor is a honeyed pitcher plant that smells so so sweet that sam and fitz both fell hook line and sinker for i fear#oh well. many such cases.#doctor who#edas#fitz kreiner#sam jones#eighth doctor
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/SURRENDER.
ෆ genre : one-shot with a dash of spiciness. ෆ pairing : sylus x you / sylus x reader
The stars outside Sylus's garage glitter like frozen diamonds, distant and unfeeling, much like the man standing across from you. The strange silence fills the room, as you take in the man in all leather as he leans up against his motorcycle. You had been exploring his expansive home and found your way here after avoiding Mephisto, Luke and Kieran despite having been here various times before.
Sylus liked to keep you close when he felt you were too close to danger. He knew you hated it, but he loved telling you what to do - especially when you listened.
"You enjoy control too much," you say, your voice low but challenging, stepping toward him from the shadows. The dim light hanging from above casts a faint blue glow over his face, accentuating the hard angles of his jaw, and the tension in his stance.
His gaze narrows, his lips curving into a smirk that never quite reaches his eyes. "Control keeps me alive. It's kept you alive too, in case you've forgotten, kitten."
You don't flinch at the nickname, standing your ground as the space between you crackles with tension. Sylus is always calculating, always one step ahead, never allowing anyone to see beyond his carefully crafted exterior. But tonight, something in him seems different. His eyes flicker with a darker intensity, a restrained hunger that he's trying to keep in check.
"Maybe you should try letting go," you suggest, your voice bold, though your heart races at the audacity of your words.
Sylus arches an eyebrow, amused but intrigued. His hand reaches out, and his fingertips brush against your arm, the touch feather-light but electrifying. "Letting go?" he repeats, his tone going lower and more dangerous. "You think you're up for that kind of challenge?"
Your breath hitches, and before you can respond, he pulls you toward him, standing between his long legs as he manspreads while on the bike. His lips hover near your ear, a raspy voice leaving them. "I control everything here - every system, every weapon, every outcome. What makes you think you can change that?"
You look up at him, your pulse quickening. "Because I see the way you look at me when you think I'm not watching. You're not as untouchable as you want everyone to believe."
For a moment, his mask slips. His expression darkens, and there's something raw, something vulnerable in his eyes that you've never seen before. Sylus's hand moves from your arm to your jaw, gripping it firmly but not harshly, forcing you to meet his gaze. "You're playing a dangerous game," he warns, though his tone wavers slightly. It's not just a threat - it's a confession.
"Then why don't we both take the risk?" you challenge, pushing back against the control he clings to so tightly.
The silence stretches between you, heavy with unspoken words. And then, as if something snaps, his lips crash against yours. It's not the careful, calculated Sylus you've come to know - it's raw, intense, filled with need. His kiss is possessive, yet there's a desperate edge to it as if he's been holding back for too long. His hands roam over your body, exploring, but still, there's a sense of restraint in him, a constant battle with himself.
You pull back just enough to catch your breath, letting out a shaky sigh. "For once, let go. Let me take control."
His eyes search yours, the flicker of uncertainty there again. Slowly, his hands relax their grip, and he leans in, his breath hot against your skin.
"Fine," he murmurs with a growl. "But only for tonight."
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace sylus#sylus#lads#lads sylus#love and deepspace oneshot#oneshot#love and deepspace x reader#sylus x reader#sylus x you#love and deepspace fanfic#love and deepspace fanfiction#i needed to do something a little sexy with sylus#and it definitely needed to involve him in leather while leaning on his motorcycle#DON'T PERCEIVE ME
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@naffeclipse the bounty hunter continues to not be free of me, same as I am not free of him
*self insert is not a girl (he/she)
og detective au by sunnys-aesthetic!
#post let luce#dcamv#sleuth jesters#my art#okay okay okay *maybe* I'm done. for now. only vague new ideas that might need to simmer for a little while longer#also 3 days of pure self indulgence is pushing it I am approaching my limit for how much I can be perceived GFHDJS#enjoy todays outfit since I drew yesterday's SI with my outfit from yesterday and had to do it again today#it's not a skirt or dress!#do you know how rare that is for me lmao#also bc i didnt color it yall (Eclipse included) have been saved from neon pink eyesore that is that hoodie#i love it <3#bloodstain fool#menace4menace
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CEREMONY!!!!
#this is a shameful amount of fukase objects. i need to make more. jade kaiba saved me with the plush but the rest is on me…#my family was in the room while i was doing this and i was desperately trying to get them to not perceive me#vocaloid fukase#fukase#described
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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for the first time in weeks i can finally have a proper bed rotting day and man. the bliss. gonna do nothing but catch up on fics and write and nap a million times in between.
#i needed this so badly you don't understand#i‘m so exhausted i started crying while playing l&ds lol#not an uncommon occurrence but like. sylus telling me to go to bed and he’ll handle everything else#something something hyper independent man of the house eldest daughter gf x “i know you can do it but let me” bf#don't perceive me#anyway. love's nectar and homemade love and sleaze and the tragedy and '88 ford i'm coming for you today 🫵#-`♡´- tulip mail
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I’m pitifully late to properly celebrating the spooky season, but hey at least I’ve got some cool fanart to show now lol
#YEAAAA BILLIE BUST UP ART TIME WAHOOO#I’ve only drawn Barnaby a couple times before as rushed doodles#so this is a total upgrade from that for sure!!#I was watching LaurenZsides gameplay of Still Wakes the Deep while working on rendering this#…..yea that’s all the extra tidbits I feel like offering at the moment lol#do with that information what you will#Billie Bust Up is a great indie game in development tho and I recommend the soundtrack for any musical loving nerd#guys I promise I don’t have a specific villian archetype I latch onto whaaaat nooooo totally not#uh UH UHM no further questioning allowed! /j#billie bust up barnaby#barnaby the owl#Oscar Billie bust up#a million gruesome ways to die#art of Billie bust up#hmmm debating if I wanna be discreet in posting this or purposefully add lots of tags#that’s the thing with me—I’m aware of the various ways I can get this into public perception…but do I want to be perceived is the question#eh I’ll just let it sit here stangent for now lol#feeling a tad adventurous so mayhaps I’ll add more direct searchable tags later#hplonesome art
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for the life of me i cannot figure out why people are so desperate to apply a version of dean's facade to sam
#like... as someone with autism‚ wrt autism masks‚ they aren't black and white between what's presented vs what we feel...#not even dean's facade works like that. where is idea that what sam expressed isn't what he feels coming from?#like we get canonical evidence or exploration for what he feels in his actions very often in canon so??#and his emotional compartmentalising is very often presented in situations that are different from‚ say‚ his code switching#why are you so desperate to erase his canonical character exploration? like having headcanons in which what he feels and expresses#or what his actions are aren't what he feels at all kind of renders everything about him useless?#do you just have this hc to have the room to make stuff up about him? or what#the 'when the “loveable rogue” act Dean played didn't work out' line is crazy#because it's made me realise that this headcanon isn't about sam at all in a way that i cannot quite put my finger on#anyway the ways in which sam goes about attempting to be normal are explored in canon...#it isn't in terms of 'trying to mimic human behaviour' (please dissect why you think about him like this I BEGGGG)#it's canonically in terms of the hunting vs nuclear dichotomy. he doesn't want to to beat uo his bullies because kids his age#shouldn't have the skills he does !!!! he doesn't want to kill his first kiss because kids his age GET to have their first kiss#and not kill them. and this is interesting to me actually#his monstrosity hinders his idea of his normalcy and the hunting dichotomy of innocent vs monstrous is the structure#within which he both crosses that boundary to achieve normalcy but it's also why he cannot achieve it#the idea of its innateness that dean applied should he decide to do so. i feel like that's where this is working from#because it is just so strange that you attribute a facade with no canonical standing within a hc#to the monstrous boy as 'pretending to be normal' rather than trying and failing#while also stripping dean of his facade entirety to get to what you perceive as his entirely gooey insides within the same post#ludere
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me @ sukuna from the fujoshi chair:
#i'm not proud of this one#do not perceive me#this fucking thing nagged me all day I needed to get it OUT of my system#obviously this post is about freaking#sukuita#another type of greed they talk about in the bible#is me wanting more sukuita fics with bottom sukuna despite how many good ones they're out there#I feel like there hasn't been a new one in a while ough TTuTT#or like#LET YUUJI TOP AND OR DOM#PLEASE#i don't like the fact that i'm going insane over this but hopefully i'll be normal again soon 🤞
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Ieeha: it is pointless to try and reconnect with my mother and brother. What they mourn is their daughter, not a grown man who is broken beyond repair pretending to be the child they lost. It is better if I stay away, lest they find their grief fueled further by what they will undoubtedly perceive as a stranger beyond their recognition.
Ieeha, then and now:
#if you look up self awareness in the dictionary you will NOT find ieehas picture#im trying to think if there is any situation where he is fully self aware#like he is self aware of his own flaws in the sense that he SEVERELY inflates how bad those really are#he perceives himself as way more flawed and irredeemable than he actually is while downplaying his actual good sides#... while ALSO being unaware of the most glaring flaws of his#its not that hes stupid or unintelligent. hes just. well...#i sincerely dont know how to explain him. but to put into perspective shen yuan made me do a double take when i first read svsss <3#similar type of lacking self awareness and blind conviction in what he perceives to be absolute truth#to ieehas credit he AT LEAST knows hes gay--#(also i need to stop being scared about talking in detail about ieeha. this is a start though.)#ffxiv#final fantasy xiv#ff14#final fantasy 14#hyur#midlander#ffxiv screenshot#ffxiv oc#warrior of light#wol#gpose#ieeha de verral#ieeha#nabaath-areng
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having the hc that minato is ace is incredibly funny sometimes when you think about how ryoji is oh so very bi because it's like. "ah. death stole my ability to be attracted to people," in the same way that ryoji stole minato's eye color and energy level. like wow, thanks ryoji, you just keep finding things to steal from minato!
#persona 3 spoilers#minato arisato#hc and au nonsense#lizzy speaks#happy international asexuality day to my fellow aces out there i hope you know that you are loved!!! 🎊🎉🥳#i like viewing minato with the lens of him being gay / ace. esp bc it stems from my own experiences so it's fun to look at-#him from that perspective even if that's not what was intended by atlus y'know?#and im sure others have other hcs from me that are informed by their own life experiences and i think that's great ^_^#something that i found interesting while playing FES was how. stilted? minato's animations felt when hugging the girls#you could definitely go with the perspective that it's a graphical limitation or they didn't have time to polish the animations#and that's def true!! but sometimes i see the hug @ yakushima beach + the other hugs and then i compare it to the sou/yo hug in p4#and there's like... a noticeable difference to me with how intimate and close together the hugs are...#that said i do know that the animations for reload are updated and the hugs are much more natural (good on them tbh!)#the other thing is (pensive sigh). the way you couldn't reject any of the girls when doing their social links in FES#objectively speaking i'm glad that they did away with that and i like how the rejections were handled in reload. it feels naturally written#but also a part of me enjoyed looking at the “hey atlus what the FUCK” moment and thought of how to interpret it differently#specifically with the idea of minato having like.. little to no autonomy and kind of going along with the relationship#it kind of reminded me of myself tbh with like going along with the rship without considering what you want bc#it's what others want or expect out of you... LOL. i dont think atlus intended for someone to interpret it this way but#eh i think that's the fun part of hcs and looking at characters with certain lenses!#regardless of how you perceive minato i do think there's something to be said about him being the kind of guy who molds himself-#into someone that is needed. not wanted. but needed. important distinction here.#the one caveat my brain runs into when im like “minato is ace!” is when i remember thanatos exists and i go#“you know what these ideas can exist simultaneously” GKLHFHDFHD when in doubt schrodinger's headcanons#anyway that's all i've had this thought in my brain in awhile and haven't sat down to share it properly until now 👍#have an excellent weekend everyone !!! lizzy loves you all lets all nurture our inner yippee!!! 🥺💙
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