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captain-emmajones · 4 years ago

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Love, Emma (3/7)

(Art by the wonderful carpedzem <33)

Loosely based on Love, Rosie (2014). Killian and Emma are best friends and neighbors. They’ve always been – until he leaves for the Navy when his brother dies. When he comes back, nine months later, summer has begun and childhood is ending. Emma can tell something is changed in him, but she doesn’t know what. Until she does. He’s fallen in love with someone else.

And then, suddenly, they’re kissing on her nineteenth birthday. When she asks him to forget their night out, and never talk about it again, Killian thinks she means to tell him she regrets the kiss they exchanged. Except she has no memory of it.

Killian and Emma will dance around each other, until their heads spin and their legs hurt, and everything becomes blurry and it has to stop – for both of their sake.

Title is from Taylor Swift’s Hoax, and if you know it, you know, this one is going to be a tad painful.

Once again, a big thank you to @profdanglaisstuff who’s really an angel and beta’d this <3

Friends to Lovers - Mutual Pining - Angst - Fluff - 4000 words - ao3

Part 1 - Mirrorball, Part 2 - August , Part 4 - Peace, Part 5 - This is me trying, Part 6 - Cardigan

Just to set the scene, last chapter ended on Emma's wedding to Neal. This one opens on Emma, still in Augusta Airport, after Killian's departure -- four years before her wedding. It is still the summer of their nineteenth birthday, the summer during which they kissed but Emma forgot and now Killian is gone again and Emma has to learn to live without him.

PART 3 - HOAX

Don’t want no other shade of blue, But you. No other sadness in the world Would do.

Four years before Emma’s wedding – Augusta Airport.

Emma’s hand is very harsh on her cheeks as it childishly wipes her tears away. She’s still staring at the door by which Killian left. She cannot stop staring.

She cannot even blame Augusta airport’s lack of air conditioning for the way her entire body shakes and trembles and seems about to explode into thousands of little pieces of confetti.

He left, again. And she is so mad. He was here all summer and they didn’t spend it together. And he left. And she is alone with her rage, now.

“Fuck.”

The exasperated whisper escapes her mouth as she feels something humid roll down her nose. Great, now she is blowing her nose in the middle of the airport. Killian is the one to always carry tissues in his backpack. Another spike of anger shoots right through her. Thankfully for her, her agitated hands find a used tissue in her front pocket.

It has the merit, at least, of making her decide to leave this goddamn place. Once her nose is dry and red, she aggressively strides forward – her pace sure as her face crumbles.

The sun is blinding when she reaches the outside world. It savagely burns her eyes and forces her to squint. Incredibly warm air fills her lungs and it tastes bitter, and everything is shit and she just wants, she just wants… Her thoughts nearly make her choke on her tears. She just wants Killian and he is gone.

One outraged foot stomps on the burning concrete, as if to allow her to regain some composure. She is Emma Swan. She doesn’t need anyone. She never has.

Liar.

Without a second thought, she heads for the bus stop. He left, again. Well, now is the time to learn to live without him, Emma.

Flashes of her past year haunt her thoughts, and she swallows painfully. Her throat is sore. She really spent a shitty year, huh.

As she glances at the bus schedule, and the scorching sun causes pearls of sweat to roll down her back in the most unpleasant way, she feels a hand press her shoulder.

She makes a U-turn in the blink of an eye, hands fisted and ready to defend herself, but then her eyes meet a familiar chocolate gaze.

“Hey Emma!” Neal’s voice resonates as he smiles brightly at her. She sees his expression quickly change and Emma gathers her red nose and her swollen, teary eyes aren’t her best look. She firmly wipes the remaining tears on her face and grins as Neal keeps staring. “Are you okay?” He asks her and his hand gently brushes her shoulder, and it looks like he cares about her.

She realizes he is exactly what she’s been waiting for. A distraction.

“Better now,” she affirms, and she hears her own voice as if it did not come out of her mouth.

She sees Neal arch an eyebrow, gathers he must be surprised that for once, she’s the one flirting with him.

But this is exactly what she needs. To feel special, desired, wanted.

(To feel like she isn’t someone one just leaves behind.)

“Good. Waiting for the bus?” he inquires, and she nods.

Neal is definitely tanner than the last time she saw him. He must be back from vacation.

She sees the grin on his face change, become something much more…dangerous. She isn’t afraid. She’s tired of feeling afraid.

“I’ve got my own car, if you want. I could drop you off.”

He’s biting his lower lip, and she sees herself brush a strand of hair from her face, unaware of the used tissue emerging from the front pocket of her jeans, as she leans into him.

“I’d like that, actually.”

She muffles the voice inside of her head telling her to be careful. Look at what careful gave her. It gave her nothing. It gave her goodbyes.

And she seizes the hand he offers.

Being with Neal is easy, mostly because she doesn’t have to wonder if he likes her as much as she likes him. He tells her. He lets her know. She thinks he likes her more than she likes him, but that’s also fine.

It allows this year to pass by fairly easily. She feels less alone. (Her heart still skips a beat when Killian’s name appears on her phone, but there will probably be no getting rid of that.)

She doesn’t tell Killian. What’s the point? He never told her about M. She wants to have secrets, too. She deserves to have her secrets.

It’s fall, and they’re sitting on Storybrooke’s carousel when Neal confides in her for the first time. (She really tries to shake her memories from her mind, the ones of her and Killian, once upon a time, when everything seemed easy and sure, and now it’s all over and she hates him.)

“I was given up, as a kid, too,” he tells her, legs wrapped around a brown horse. He is slightly below her, a kiss away. They haven’t kissed yet. She thinks they might. She thinks she might like that.

Emma feels her grip getting tighter around her white horse, breath caught in her throat.

He is the first person to understand her, on that level.

“And I understand, Emma,” he continues, and the warm brown of his eyes melts into Emma’s chest, leaves golden sparkles there. “I understand what it feels like.”

Oh, this is all too good. This is all she’s ever wanted. (She doesn’t care that Neal doesn’t have a job but can somehow offer a car and all the marvelous gifts he brings her. That doesn’t matter, not when he is staring at her as if she hangs the stars in the night sky.)

She’s leaning towards him, heart beating fast in her temples.

“I know your anger, your anger towards your parents.” He pauses, and Emma’s face suddenly stops on its way down. “I am angry, too.”

Something gets caught in her throat. Oh. No. That’s not it. She was wrong. He doesn’t get it.

She’s not angry. She’s just perpetually followed by a very grey feeling. This feeling has fuzzy legs and arms and they are wrapped tightly around her, at all times. And it sticks, it never falls to the floor, as most fuzzy things do. And it stares at her when she thinks she is happy and it tells her maybe not.

But she doesn’t say it, not that. She leaves it hanging there within the few inches that separate her mouth from Neal’s, and she kisses him.

Because this has to be good enough. This has to be what she deserves.

Neal’s hand comes up to cup her cheek and she kisses him harder. His lips are soft, and his hands softer, but she can’t close her eyes. Instead, she stares at the black horse and his red collar – the one she’s stubbornly avoided looking at.

And she thinks if only she could hate Killian a little, then things would be easier.

As time flies by, and fall turns into winter, Emma thinks Killian might have been right about Neal.

When his kisses linger on her neck as she pulls her clothes back on in the back of his car, and there is this very funny feeling in the back of her mouth, and he hands her a big, black bag – that’s probably the sign she was waiting for to run the hell away from him.

But she’s dumb, Emma, and she needs to be very certain that she is making a huge mistake before she can decide to step away.

“I’m going to need you to keep this for a while. But do not open it, Emma,” he tells her, and the poor girl glances at it with a lot of concern but also a complete blind faith.

“Please, tell me it’s not a dead body.”

It makes him chuckle, and he bends towards her to kiss her lightly. She does not smile into his kiss. Something feels very wrong. Her ears are buzzing.

“No, Emma. Don’t worry. And to make sure you keep quiet, here is a gift for you.”

And he takes out of his pocket a very beautiful, very much stolen watch, and Emma tries her best to silence the voices in her head that are, by now, screaming, howling that none of this is right.

But Emma wants to be loved, and she doesn’t listen to them. Surely he must love her if he gave her a gift.

(The bracelet on her right wrist glints under the moonlight. She almost takes it off right then.)

“Thanks Neal,” she eventually whispers. Stars are shining brightly in the window pane, it almost looks like a painting. “I promise I won’t say anything.”

And when she gets out of the car with this big, black bag, she finally figures out what this strange feeling that lingers with her is.

Neal waves at her before disappearing into the night. She waves back.

She feels used. She wanted to feel love and she feels used. Her grip gets firmer over the bag and she walks to Ingrid’s house.

Oh, shut up. Her thoughts are going to ruin everything, again. Just like she ruined things with Killian.

Her bedroom is incredibly cold as she comes in. She left her window open all day. There’s no light in the corridor; Ingrid is fast asleep.

Emma closes the window with tired arms. She cannot quite control the quick peek she takes at the house in front of Ingrid’s. It is forever engulfed in darkness, and she sighs. She wonders if Killian will ever sell it.

She puts down her heavy red coat and her beanie, leaves her boots next to the wall, and lies down on her bed.

Her fingers absently turn the charm around her wrist. She closes her eyes, makes a wish.

Her heart misses a beat when his name flashes on her phone.

“I miss you, Swan. Hope everything is okay. We should call soon.”

A small, salty drop hits her phone as a smile splits her face. She doesn’t know how he knew she needed him. But he knew. And this, this is the only thing that feels right, right now.

Her throat is tight as she texts back. “Miss you, too, Killian. Let’s call this weekend?” She’s still working with Ingrid during the week, and she realizes just how lucky she is. Ingrid doesn’t really need any help, but she’s too kind to tell Emma to find a real job.

“Ah, can’t this weekend, but the next?” Killian’s answer is a slap against her face, a much needed return to reality.

Her room is still so cold. And the stars are of no comfort that night. Why does she feel this sad?

She closes her eyes, one instant, to swallow down her pride and how much she misses him and them.

“No problem. Goodnight, Killian.”

He cannot call because he will be with her. She’s sure of it.

Emma wraps herself in her blanket and it smells of lavender, and she never told Ingrid she doesn’t like lavender, because when Ingrid insists on changing her sheets each week, Emma really feels like maybe she belongs somewhere. But that, she also doesn’t tell her.

“Goodnight, Swan.”

Her phone screen goes black. And just like that, Emma is swallowed once again by this very grey feeling, and she thinks she will never be able to see any colors again.

Sometimes life is just a shitstorm of bad luck, isn’t it? Well, at least, that’s what Emma thinks as Ingrid stares at her, with the big, black bag open revealing a good dozen stolen watches, and the one at her wrist simply confesses her crime.

“There are a lot of things I can tolerate under this roof, Emma, but robbery? That’s just un—”

Surely, Ingrid didn’t mean to find it. She was just cleaning her room, but she usually does so on Fridays after spending a week telling Emma she should really clean her room – and it is Thursday and she wasn’t meant to find this bag.

“—I don’t understand how you could possibly think this is okay and I am—”

But Emma isn’t listening. As Ingrid stands in the middle of her room, she is scanning her surroundings as fast as she possibly can.

She’s already packing in her mind. Her ears are ringing and her heart drums in the worst way possible, but she isn’t listening.

This had to happen. It’s fine, actually, because Emma has been saving some money just in case, and really Emma doesn’t mind surviving on her own, it’s what she did for most of her life now, and sure, it was nice having a home at Ingrid’s but it’s over now and it’s fine, she just needs to deal with it –

“Emma!” Ingrid is screaming now, and that she didn’t expect, and Emma takes a step back, hands coming in front of her face to protect herself.

She can’t listen. Her breath comes out in a heave. She sees however that Ingrid is trying to look calmer, she sees the line of her eyebrows become softer. “I’m sorry, Emma. I didn’t mean to yell. I shouldn’t have.”

She has a big sigh, Ingrid, and Emma knows she’s trying to tell her. But it’s fine, she wants to tell Ingrid, she already knows, she’s always known.

Ingrid shakes her shoulders and passes by Emma, the bag firm in her hands. Emma’s mouth is still open but no sound is coming out.

“We’ll talk about this, later. For now, clean your room, please.”

And she closes the door behind her, and Emma is swallowing glass suddenly, and she cannot breathe, and she cannot break down, she has to pack and leave, leave, leave, of course, she has to leave.

(Ingrid forgot to ask Emma to give back the watch around her wrist. Emma leaves it anyway, on her desk, with a simple note: “For whatever it’s worth, but I did not steal those watches. Love, Emma.”

Neal’s watch leaves a faint green and purple burn on her skin. It itches painfully.)

That night, she boards a bus to New York.

“Emma, are you okay? Why are you calling this late?”

“Would…would it be okay for me to stay for a while with you and David?”

“Of course, honey. But please, tell me what’s going on.”

A big sniffling – Emma’s never learned to cry silently. “I’ll tell you once I get there. I’m taking a night bus. See you, Mary Margaret.”

And just like that, she’s gone, without a look back at this house in which she spent the best moments of her childhood, with Killian, but Killian is gone, and there’s no childhood to look back at.

He receives Ingrid’s call, very early on Friday morning as he sips a black coffee in Milah’s kitchen. He is on Christmas leave, but thankfully for him, the Navy has trained Killian to wake up far before the sun – especially in winter.

“Everything okay, Ingrid?” he asks right away, because Ingrid isn’t the type to call just to know how he is doing.

He’s frowning furiously as he examines the world from the safety of this apartment window. Outside, the city of Portsmouth is frozen, as if wrapped in a dark blue dream of snowflakes. The streetlights are still lit up, drawing fireflies that will not fly on the pavement, and winter mornings always did stir something bittersweet in Killian’s belly.

“Killian! I’m so glad I could reach you!” Ingrid’s tone makes Killian’s stomach twist. Can’t she just skip to the part where she tells him what the bloody hell is going on? “It’s Emma,” she finally confesses, and Killian has to put down his coffee mug. It’s as if suddenly somebody opened the window, and the cold, savage winter air swallowed him alive. He’s breathing ice. “She ran away. And I don’t know where she went. And before calling the police, I thought you might know –“

Killian’s mind races. “Ran away? Why?”

“It’s about Neal. He stole watches. It’s a long story, one I wish I could tell you over a fire and –“

“Ingrid!” Wrath escapes his throat. “You have to tell me, did she leave any clue behind?”

But the poor woman is practically sobbing on the other side of the phone, and Killian rolls his eyes.

“No, no, she just left. I’m so sorry, Killian, I didn’t know and now I—”

A big sigh shakes Killian’s shoulders. “It’s going to be okay, Ingrid. I will find her. And Emma can take care of herself, she’s a big girl.”

He ends the conversation as fast he possibly can, takes one sip of coffee and starts his investigation. In front of him, the sun slowly rises, painting the sky in pink, orange and purple clouds.

He knows Emma well enough not to try to call her. She won’t answer. She’ll know Ingrid sent him.

Thus, he calls the next person, besides himself, who might know where the bloody hell Emma Swan is.

“Yes, hello?” answers him a very small, very sleepy voice, and Killian glances at the kitchen clock to discover that it is barely 8am. She’ll hate him, but that’s something he can live with.

“Hi, Mary Margaret. It’s Killian, Killian Jones. We went to high school together.”

There’s an “mmmm” on the other end of the phone, and Killian gathers she knows very well what he is about to ask.

“Would you be hosting a certain nineteen year-old girl? Blonde hair, big, green eyes and freckles.”

There’s a silence then, and he imagines her mind racing at high speed thinking whether she can confide in him or not. (Whether Emma will hate her or not.)

And, finally, “Yes. But Killian, she specifically said she wanted nothing to do with you. So I’m kind of breaking a sacred rule of friendship right now, but I think she really needs you.”

Something cracks inside of him. It makes a gruesome sound. A bird lands on the frozen window ledge; its feathers are of a very tender yellow.

“Alright. You don’t have to tell her I called. I’ll simply call Ingrid back to tell her Emma is safe and sound at yours.”

Another silence, Mary Margaret is almost audibly pondering her words. “…Mmm ‘kay. That seems fair. Bye then, Killian?”

He nods, but it’s to himself only. “Bye, Mary Margaret.” The first rays of sunshine are starting to burn his eyes.

“Why are you on the phone so early?” Milah’s voice suddenly resonates in the kitchen, and he turns to face her sleepy features.

He forces a smile on his face. “Family call,” he explains casually, but Milah frowns. She must know he’s lying.

“I thought you were an orphan?”

He licks his lower lips. Well, that wasn’t very nice of her. She just woke up, let the damn woman breathe.

“Aye, indeed, love. I still have some family left, though.”

He thinks she sees a flicker of pain in his eyes because she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses the side of his jaw. “Sorry, baby. That wasn’t very clever of me to say,” she already smells of menthol against his lips, “I’m so glad we’re spending this weekend together.”

Killian winces, as she drops kisses all along his neck. “About that, love…”

Mary Margaret would make an incredible mother, Emma thinks as the petite brunette tiptoes through the living room – so as to not wake up Emma.

It’s Saturday morning, but Mary Margaret is an early bird. She’s already wearing clothes that shouldn’t be worn ever, especially not on a Saturday morning – Saturdays and Sundays are for pajamas, that is the sacred law.

Emma feels good, buried beneath thousands of blankets that smell like soap, and she wants to remain like this forever, with nobody to ask her anything and no responsibility. Emma, you might need to confront reality, one of these days.

She grunts as her friend switches on the kettle for some well-need needed coffee, and Emma turns on the sofa.

Mary Margaret has been living alone in New York for a year and a half now. David decided to stay in Storybrooke in order to follow in the footsteps of sheriff Graham, but they’ve been making this long distance relationship work. Emma isn’t surprised, what they share is unique and precious.

Last week, David joined Mary Margaret for the Christmas break, and Emma thinks she really is a big smear on their perfect little lives.

Except that, when Emma sees her friend start to whip eggs, although it’s barely nine, and she does so with such a big smile on her lips, Emma thinks that maybe she isn’t that much of a bother.

Gathering up courage, she swings her legs out of her improvised bed and stretches loudly to let her host know she is awake.

“Ah! Emma! Good morning!” Mary Margaret smiles instantly, and Emma thinks she really is a ray of sunshine. “Hope I didn’t wake you up.”

She even makes Emma smile, and that says a lot, because Emma does not smile in the morning.

“ ’Morning, Mary Margaret. No, don’t worry. I was already awake. How are you?”

The whipping intensifies as Emma makes her way to the kitchenette, shuffling her feet on the warm carpeted floor.

“I’m really good!” And then a frown. “How are you, Emma?”

A really big sigh shakes Emma’s shoulders then, as she glances at her phone on the living room table.

“I’m okay, I guess. Better, anyway.”

She spent the whole trip to New York trying to call Neal. He never answered. She doesn’t know what she expected. Everyone keeps leaving.

“I’m sure things will work out, with Ingrid—” Mary Margaret is trying to cheer her up but her words are stumbling over each other.

And Emma is tired, and she doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I know, Mary Margaret. My reaction might have been harsh, now that I’m not in the heat of the moment anymore –“ That was indeed very Emma of her, to let all hell break loose at the slightest inconvenience.

“—Yeah, my point is, Ingrid never asked you to leave…”

And Emma frowns because Mary Margaret’s words stir something nasty and painful inside of her. Clearly she was wrong, she is a bother, she always has been, Mary Margaret is trying to tell her to leave, and it’s fine really, and then, then – the doorbell rings and Emma has to keep all of her emotions bottled up inside. Her eyes twitch. She didn’t get much sleep last night.

Mary Margaret quickly squeezes her arm, but Emma backs away and returns to the couch with a lump in her throat she cannot swallow down.

She made a mistake coming here, thinking she could rely on other people, thinking she had friends…

And then, one name echoes in Mary Margaret’s apartment.

“Killian? It’s been so long! What are you doing here?”

Mary Margaret is really a pitiful liar but Emma’s heart has already caught fire as she stands up like the devil and reaches the front door in a few long strides. Her ribcage is about to explode.

There he is. How dare he.

Why does it feel like coming home?

Emma fists her hands as exhausted blue eyes meet hers, and she gathers he took the first flight to see her. Of course he did.

“Hello, Swan.”

Oh, how much she wants to be angry. She wants to scream at him, but then her chin starts trembling and her legs wobbling and she cannot breathe and her body cannot handle the distance between them and… She doesn’t know who reaches first, but then her hands are in his hair and he is lifting her off the ground and she’s hugging him with all of this despair, all of this sadness in her chest, and she wants him to feel bad for what he did to her.

And all of the emotions she tried to bury rise at once, consume her completely, and she’s sobbing in the crook of his neck, until there are no more tears and no more her but him, and his scent, and his everything, and may he never let her go again.

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#cs ff #captain swan #cs fanfics #my stuff #love emma #love rosie au #do leave me your thoughts aha <33 they are always most welcome

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erraticfairy · 6 years ago

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Podcast: Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?

Those of us with mental illness are asked many questions about our feelings. For a lot of us, the most difficult one to answer is, “Are you happy?” It’s a difficult question to answer because happiness isn’t an easily defined concept. Most people assume that in order to be in recovery from mental illness a person must be happy. But is that really the case?

Listen in to this episode to hear our thoughts on happiness, regret, and even a side story about Gabe’s first marriage.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People just want to be happy and normal, but there is no actual definition of either.” – Michelle Hammer

Highlights From ‘Happiness’ Episode

[1:00] Gabe & Michelle discuss happiness and mental illness.

[3:30] The most annoying questions we have ever been asked.

[5:00] Gabe’s story of never being satisfied with his life.

[10:00] What makes Michelle unhappy.

[12:00] What makes Gabe unhappy.

[17:00] Do people try to ruin our happiness? – A discussion.

[19:00] Michelle says she has confidence – but does she?

[23:00] Dealing with mental illness and negativity.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:19] Welcome to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. My name is Gabe and I have bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:25] I’m Michelle and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:27] You are straight up schizo.

Gabe: [00:00:29] Apparently I am. That’s what the doctors say.

Gabe: [00:00:31] Michelle, one of the questions that people living with mental illness get asked, pretty much ad nauseum, is, “Are you happy?” Do people ask you this?

Michelle: [00:00:40] Yeah. I think so, yeah.

Gabe: [00:00:41] There’s a bunch of them. “Are you OK?” “How are you feeling?” “Are you doing OK?”.

Michelle: [00:00:45] I hate that one. “So how are you doing? Like on a personal level? Like, how are you personally?” You know.

Gabe: [00:00:53] They’re asking if we’re happy. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad question. I mean, they want to know if we’re OK. And the way that we, as a society, gauge “okay” is if we’re content, if we’re happy, if we’re not sad. I mean, it’s not an unfair question, right? I mean, do we really want to get mad at people for making sure that we’re content? Or that we’re happy?

Michelle: [00:01:13] I feel like people have ulterior motives sometimes when they ask you if you’re happy.

Gabe: [00:01:18] Like what?

Michelle: [00:01:19] They want to see if you could actually be happy.

Gabe: [00:01:22] So you think it’s like a gotcha question?

Michelle: [00:01:23] Sometimes.

Gabe: [00:01:23] Really?

Michelle: [00:01:24] They’re like, “Are you happy?”

Gabe: [00:01:26] I feel like maybe you’re hanging out with mean people. Nobody has ever asked me if I’m okay or if I’m happy so that they can trick me. I mean how would that go? “Gabe, are you happy?” Yes. “Aha! I have fooled you, you none-bipolar liar!” That’s kind of weird, you have to admit.

Michelle: [00:01:41] Whatever.

Gabe: [00:01:42] One of the reasons we want to do this episode is because, 1) there’s, like, 5 questions that people with mental illness gets asked constantly. You know – “Have you taken your meds?” “Are you doing okay?” “How are you feeling?” “Are you happy?” The “are you happy?” one handcuffs me.

Michelle: [00:01:56] Why?

Gabe: [00:01:57] Because, I don’t know. I mean, how do you define happiness? You know our “Define Normal” initiative?

Michelle: [00:02:03] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:02:04] Where everybody gave a different answer for what “normal” was. Yet it’s something that’s thrown around by our society constantly.

Michelle: [00:02:13] Mmm-hmm.

Gabe: [00:02:13] I think if we asked a hundred different people what it means to be happy, we’d get 100 different answers. So when people say to me, “Are you happy?” I have no earthly idea.

Michelle: [00:02:24] Good point. And do you think anyone would actually say, “Yes, I am happy” and feel like they’re telling the truth or feel like they’re lying?

Gabe: [00:02:33] This is something that kind of keeps me up at night. Allow me to explain: Let’s say that you said right now, “Gabe, are you happy?” I would say, “Yes. My friend Michelle is here and our podcast is doing very well.” And then somebody would say, “Well, but I mean, how could you be happy? I mean, you have a debilitating disease and there’s so much suffering in the world? And I mean really! You’re happy with the homeless people that might die from coldness? And what about all the hungry children?” “Oh. Well, I’m not happy about that.” “Really? You’re not happy!?! Your friend Michelle was here!” Where does this end?

Michelle: [00:03:10] The never ending nonsense circle.

Gabe: [00:03:14] Michelle, how do you define “happy.”

Michelle: [00:03:17] How would I define “happy?”

Gabe: [00:03:19] Yes, that’s the question. Why do you keep repeating the question?

Michelle: [00:03:21] I’m thinking of my answer for defining “happy.” Well, how would I define happy? Not being able to get rid of a huge smile on my face.

Gabe: [00:03:32] Okay, so you’re never happy. You’re never smiling. You always look constantly pissed off. So I don’t think that’s true. I really don’t, because I know that you’re not constantly pissed off. You just have resting angry face.

Michelle: [00:03:45] I don’t have resting angry face. That’s just around you.

Gabe: [00:03:48] Okay. Well, you have Gabe angry face. Oh my God! You have GAF!

Michelle: [00:03:54] Shut up.

Gabe: [00:03:55] See, now you’re mean to me. So I’m clearly not happy now.

Michelle: [00:03:58] Good. Are you happy?

Gabe: [00:03:59] No.

Michelle: [00:04:00] Did you take your meds today?

Gabe: [00:04:03] One, yes-

Michelle: [00:04:03] How are you doing?

Gabe: [00:04:04] I’m good, I’m fine.

Michelle: [00:04:06] Are you sure? Are you well?

Gabe: [00:04:08] Well, there’s another one. Now hang on a second-

Michelle: [00:04:10] How’s your work? Do you have a job?

Gabe: [00:04:11] Ugh…okay.

Michelle: [00:04:12] Wow, you have a job? Are you able to work?

Gabe: [00:04:14] Oh, you’re killing me.

Michelle: [00:04:15] Are you on disability?

Gabe: [00:04:16] You’re killing me. No. No. Not that there’s anything wrong with that-

Michelle: [00:04:18] Do you live with your parents?

Gabe: [00:04:19] No.

Michelle: [00:04:20] Do you have any kids?

Gabe: [00:04:21] No.

Michelle: [00:04:21] Do you plan on getting married?

Gabe: [00:04:23] I am married.

Michelle: [00:04:24] Really? Wow! Does she like you a lot?

Gabe: [00:04:29] No, I’m bipolar. I think happiness has, like, moving goalposts. My Uncle Jack was a really cool guy. He passed away many years ago, but I really liked him a lot when I was younger. Because he talked to me like an adult. He recognized that I had intelligence beyond my years. So here’s this old guy, and he’s talking to a 14 year-old about, you know, adult subject matter. And a lot of adults were uneasy about this, but he wasn’t. And one of the things that he told me is that when it came to money, the perfect amount of money to make was 50 dollars more than you were currently making. And his point was that it didn’t matter how much money you had, you were always fifty dollars away from having something else. And when he said this to me, I thought, “You’re nuts.” If I have, let’s say, fifty thousand dollars. Now this was 30 years ago, but I thought, if I made fifty thousand dollars a year I would be happy. I would be perfectly happy with that kind of money. And then, when I made that kind of money I wasn’t happy with it. And then I made eighty thousand dollars a year, and I wasn’t happy with that. And then I made a hundred thousand dollars a year and I wasn’t happy with that.

Michelle: [00:05:39] All that’s coming through, Gabe, is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:45] That’s the takeaway?

Michelle: [00:05:47] That’s it. The takeaway is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:49] I think the takeaway is that I think that’s how happiness works.

Michelle: [00:05:53] Well, happiness comes with money.

Gabe: [00:05:54] No. No, I think that-

Michelle: [00:05:56] Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

Gabe: [00:05:58] Well, mo’ happiness, mo’ problems.

Michelle: [00:06:00] What? Continue your story.

Gabe: [00:06:08] Thanks, Michelle. When I was really, really, really sick – I mean really sick, like not showering for days at a time, laying in my own filth, not leaving the house, planning on dying, trying to will myself to death – I would lay there and I’d think, “If I could just get out of bed I’d be happy.” And I meant it, I wasn’t lying. It wasn’t a joke. I just thought that if I could just get up, if I could just take a shower, if I could just wash my hair, then I would be happy. But that’s not the mark of happiness. Now I get up every morning, I take a shower, I wash my hair, I get dressed, and I leave the house, and that doesn’t make me happy. That’s the lowest bar possible. That’s just an expectation at this point. But every time I achieve something – like remember when we started the podcast? We started the podcast and I was like, “Michelle, I’ll be happy when we have X number of listeners per week.” Do you remember that?

Michelle: [00:07:08] Uh-huh.

Gabe: [00:07:08] You were there, and I said, “That will make me happy!” Well, we surpassed that months ago and I’m still unhappy. I’m unhappy that we didn’t grow month to month. I’m unhappy that one episode dipped. I’m unhappy that one whatever. So, happiness is just this nebulous concept that you can’t put your finger on, and all of us are chasing it like it’s meaningful. Like it has meaning. We want to be happy, but none of us can define it. And even when we define it, once we get there we just redefine it.

Michelle: [00:07:41] It’s just interesting that people just want to be happy and normal, yet there’s really no such thing as happy and normal. Nobody is happy and normal.

Gabe: [00:07:53] I think that nobody is happy or normal because, again, there’s just no definition for it. I think that, depending on what the definition is, either nobody is happy and normal or everybody is happy and normal.

Michelle: [00:08:06] Yeah, I mean, there’s always, like, things that can make you happy. But it’s not like a lifelong happiness.

Gabe: [00:08:12] You know what makes me happy?

Michelle: [00:08:13] Your dog?

Gabe: [00:08:14] When you’re ready to record on time.

Michelle: [00:08:15] OK.

Gabe: [00:08:15] And my dog. I really like my dog.

Michelle: [00:08:18] Yeah. I mean, your dog makes me happy, but I mean I don’t like and when he cries and stuff. It’s sad.

Gabe: [00:08:24] Why does he cry? Wait, why are you making my dog cry?

Michelle: [00:08:26] Your dog cries all the time! We walked in the house, and your dog was crying.

Gabe: [00:08:29] Because he wanted you to play with him! Did you play with him?

Michelle: [00:08:33] No.

Gabe: [00:08:33] So you just walked in the house and ignored him and just went about your business.

Michelle: [00:08:37] Yes.

Gabe: [00:08:37] Wow! You ignored a crying puppy.

Michelle: [00:08:40] He was in his crate. I didn’t want to let him out of the crate.

Gabe: [00:08:41] You left him when he was trapped in a crate.

Michelle: [00:08:44] You let him out of the crate, so shut up!

Gabe: [00:08:47] I did let him out.

Michelle: [00:08:48] You’re not funny.

Gabe: [00:08:48] I’m a little bit funny.

Michelle: [00:08:50] No.

Gabe: [00:08:51] I’m not?

Michelle: [00:08:52] Your jokes make me unhappy.

Gabe: [00:08:55] Can you define “jokes?”.

Michelle: [00:08:56] Nothing you say.

Gabe: [00:08:59] That’s actually an excellent question, though. Because “jokes” has a definition. The word joke has a definition. It’s something that makes people laugh. Right?

Michelle: [00:09:07] Uh-huh

Gabe: [00:09:07] OK cool. So if I tell a joke and you laugh, but John doesn’t laugh, does that mean I told you a joke? But I didn’t tell John a joke? Even though I said the same thing to both of you at the exact same time?

Michelle: [00:09:23] Well, maybe John didn’t think it was as funny.

Gabe: [00:09:25] So it’s still a joke?

Michelle: [00:09:27] It was a joke, but it wasn’t funny to everybody.

Gabe: [00:09:32] So you can be happy with something but maybe somebody else who had the same thing wouldn’t be happy?

Michelle: [00:09:37] Right.

Gabe: [00:09:38] Is it possible that people like us, people with mental illness – especially people with depression side of it -, is it possible that we are happy? We just trick ourselves into thinking that we’re not?

Michelle: [00:09:49] I think maybe we dwell too much on the things that make us unhappy.

Gabe: [00:09:53] What are some things that you dwell on that make you unhappy?

Michelle: [00:09:56] Oh goodness! Past experiences with people that just did not go well. Arguments, fights embarrassments, that just go around in my head. Where I wish I did things differently or I wasn’t sure what was going on. Basically just things I wish I could have changed but that I can’t change now just get under my skin.

Gabe: [00:10:22] So you live with a lot of regret?

Michelle: [00:10:24] Mmm-hmmm

Gabe: [00:10:24] And you think that that regret is making you unhappy?

Michelle: [00:10:28] Yes.

Gabe: [00:10:28] Now, the things that you regret happened in the past. So clearly time travel is not a thing?

Michelle: [00:10:34] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:10:34] So you can’t go back and fix it?

Michelle: [00:10:36] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:36] So it’s ruining your present even though it happened in the past? And we’re going to assume that it’s going to ruin your future, even though it happened in the past?

Michelle: [00:10:44] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:45] So you’re literally wrecking your entire life because of something that you regret, that happened a while ago, that you cannot change or fix?

Michelle: [00:10:50] Well, how do I get it to go away?

Gabe: [00:10:52] Well, that’s a fair question. How do you get it to go away? Could you make amends?

Michelle: [00:10:56] No. No.

Gabe: [00:10:57] Like, not ever? You’re just stuck with it?

Michelle: [00:10:59] Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:11:00] What about radical acceptance? What about like thinking, “Look I accepted that I did this, I accepted it was wrong, and I accept it that I won’t do it again. And therefore I forgive myself?”

Michelle: [00:11:10] Some things weren’t really my fault.

Gabe: [00:11:11] Then why do you regret them? And why are you unhappy about them?

Michelle: [00:11:14] Because things sometimes are just unfair.

Gabe: [00:11:17] So you’re upset about things that aren’t fair?

Michelle: [00:11:20] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:11:21] So you’re unhappy about something that’s unfair, that you had no control over at the time, and you certainly don’t have any control over now? Because, again, time travel is not a thing?

Michelle: [00:11:29] Yes.

Gabe: [00:11:31] That’s nuts! Hold that thought, Michelle. We’re going to step away to hear from our sponsors.

2nd Announcer: [00:11:37] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: [00:12:09] And we are back discussing happiness.

Michelle: [00:12:12] Well, we just got to all the roots of my problems. Gabe, thank you so much. And I can’t change the past and it won’t get out of my head.

Gabe: [00:12:22] I feel the exact same way. I’m still upset about how my first marriage ended. And I’m still upset about how my second marriage ended. I am now worried constantly about how my third marriage will end, because all marriages end. I mean, they either end in death or divorce. So there’s not good odds either way. You’re kind of SOL there. But the things that I did in my past, some of them I was able to make up for. As you know, my second wife and I – you know she’s my bestie. She’s my BFF, and I’ve apologized to her, and I’ve told her I was sorry. And we still fight about this stuff, because we’re very immature as people. But, I think there’s a level of forgiveness there. But my first wife will not forgive me. She – flat out.

Michelle: [00:13:09] What did you do to her?

Gabe: [00:13:09] Well I married her. That was bad.

Michelle: [00:13:12] It was bad to marry her? That’s what she said?

Gabe: [00:13:14] It turns out that women don’t really like being married to untreated bi-polars. I had no idea.

Michelle: [00:13:20] Was it your fault for marrying her? She said yes. She said I do. How is that your fault?

Gabe: [00:13:28] I…

Michelle: [00:13:29] Didn’t she know that you were an untreated bipolar?

Gabe: [00:13:31] No.

Michelle: [00:13:31] She didn’t?

Gabe: [00:13:33] None of us did.

Michelle: [00:13:34] Oh.

Gabe: [00:13:34] I didn’t get diagnosed with bipolar until after she left. That was one of the things that led me down the suicide path, her leaving. I wrecked my job, my marriage, my house, my home life, I was an embarrassment to my parents. She picked up and left and I was just like, “Fuck it! I want to die!” And I got lucky. I know that sounds weird, but me being suicidal and instituting a suicide plan and being so depressed and so messed up, that’s what led somebody see how sick I was and take me to the emergency room.

Michelle: [00:14:07] She should forgive you, though. Don’t you think?

Gabe: [00:14:10] I would like to think that she would, but she believes that I’m faking bipolar in order to con people for money.

Michelle: [00:14:17] Are you serious?

Gabe: [00:14:18] That’s not something you can make up.

Michelle: [00:14:22] Okay, I don’t really like her that much anymore.

Gabe: [00:14:24] I can’t feel that way. It would be easy if I could say that. I do think that she should consider everything that I went through, and should consider that I was in a psychiatric ward, and on, and on.

Michelle: [00:14:35] Here’s what I don’t understand-

Gabe: [00:14:36] I don’t know why she doesn’t believe in mental illness but she doesn’t.

Michelle: [00:14:38] If she was with you, and she saw you acting like you were acting, so much that she left, and then you happen to end up in the psych ward, wouldn’t she have said, “Oh, that makes a lot of sense!”?

Gabe: [00:14:53] No. She thought that I was faking because she believes that mentally ill people look a certain way. She believes that mentally ill people can’t be intelligent, they can’t hold down jobs. They rock back and forth and they drool. She believes in a very stereotypical version of mental illness.

Michelle: [00:15:06] She’s a bitch.

Gabe: [00:15:07] No, she’s not. And that’s the thing, I did hurt her. Do you know how many times I flew into a blind rage and just started screaming? I would be up for two, three, maybe four, days at a time and not come home. And I would just go out and fuck everything that moved. That not something that you can do to somebody and not give them long lasting emotional scars. I was her husband, and I let her down. I broke her trust, and we can discuss until we’re blue in the face that I did this because I had bipolar disorder, and some of that is true. But the bottom line is, she doesn’t want to forgive me. And that’s up to her, and I have to live with that. I would love to take your tact and just thin, “Yep, bitch!” But I can’t. I wronged her. The end.

Michelle: [00:15:50] Do you want her in your life?

Gabe: [00:15:54] No, I want her not to be mad at me. It would alleviate alleviate my guilt if she was no longer mad at me, because I feel like I have caused her pain and unhappiness that is going to span her lifetime. Because she spent five years married to me, and that’s a lot I would hate to think that because somebody knew me, their life was worse. And that’s what we have. Because she knew me, her life is worse. That’s hard. It’s hard to know that I made somebody’s life worse. And that makes me unhappy.

Michelle: [00:16:32] I mean, I think I’ve given people challenges while they dealt with me. But I wouldn’t say I’ve made people’s lives worse. Maybe made it more interesting at times, I don’t know.

Gabe: [00:16:47] I have certainly made people’s lives more “interesting” at times, as well. But the big regret I have, and something that keeps me from being happy, is the way that I treated other people. And while it is true that bipolar disorder played a part in it, it wasn’t all bipolar disorder. It factored in, but I was an asshole.

Michelle: [00:17:09] I mean, at least now you know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:11] Yes. Yes.

Michelle: [00:17:12] You know, at least you’re not still on that track, yelling at her. Being a horrible person. You know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:19] Yes, I was an incredibly bad husband.

Michelle: [00:17:21] Do you ever think people are trying to ruin your happiness?

Gabe: [00:17:24] That’s an interesting one as well, because, 1) yes, I absolutely think that people are trying to ruin my happiness. But I also think, just as strongly, that I am not happy. So that’s kind of messed up. How can somebody both be trying to ruin my happiness and I’m not happy at the same time? But yet in my brain that completely tracks.

Michelle: [00:17:43] I feel like it’s very high school. Like when people try to ruin your happiness. Like, you might come in and you have the coolest shirt on and cool shoes. “Hi, guys. How are you doing? I like my new stuff here.” And everyone just kind of looks you and says, “Oh, okay, you got new clothes and new shoes? Oh, yeah. OK. Good for you.” Like they’re jealous. People get jealous of things. You know what I’m trying to say?

Gabe: [00:18:03] I do.

Michelle: [00:18:03] High school stuff. Like you when I get a new haircut and then everyone just has to say it’s ugly, you know?

Gabe: [00:18:09] I mean, your hair is not great.

Michelle: [00:18:11] I’m just saying.

Gabe: [00:18:11] And also, that’s not a really cool shirt. And your shoes are kind of dollar store, but whatever, you do you.

Michelle: [00:18:18] That’s what I’m trying to say, though. That’s my point.

Gabe: [00:18:20] But does that pettiness bother you?

Michelle: [00:18:22] People do sometimes try to ruin other people’s happiness to make themselves feel better.

Gabe: [00:18:26] You buy new shoes and you are happy with the new shoes and then somebody says, “I hate those shoes.” Does it take any of your happiness away? I mean, honestly? If you’re being honest? Does Michelle Hammer get sad or lose happiness if somebody calls her shoes ugly?

Michelle: [00:18:40] Me now? No way. Me 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Gabe: [00:18:47] But there’s still stuff that people can say to you that hurts your feelings?

Michelle: [00:18:52] Yes.

Gabe: [00:18:52] I just find that incredibly hard to believe. Because when I see you, I see somebody with so much confidence. You have guts that I can not quantify into words. You once yelled out “cock ring” in the middle of a crowded hotel lobby. Dude, do you know how much guts that takes? Like, for real? It was just a ballsy thing to do. You were loud, and brash, and amazing, and I remember when we met, I thought, “Oh my God, she needs to a) stop and b) continue.” And that just, like, wrestled in my brain. And it’s one of the reasons that I wanted to work with you, because it was just so incredibly engaging. But the more that I get to know you, and the more that we talk, and the more we prepare for shows, do shows, write, travel etc.. You know, I’ve gotten to know you. Know the softer side of Michelle.

Michelle: [00:19:47] The softer side (singing).

Gabe: [00:19:48] But you actually kind of have a confidence issue, don’t you?

Michelle: [00:19:53] I don’t have a confidence issue. I just don’t like when I feel like people are just giving me unsolicited advice.

Gabe: [00:20:01] Well, but that’s what I’m saying. Iff you were 100 percent confident in your actions, you would just tune all of them out. It hurts your feelings, the things that people say. Sometimes people post comments on the Internet. Literal strangers, and you call me up, and you’re upset. You’re angry or you’re just like, “Well, what is wrong with them? Why are they saying this? Why do they say I’m not schizophrenic? How would they know? Because I have purple?” You were really really bothered by that. When that lady said, “There are too many colors. So you can’t be schizophrenic.”

Michelle: [00:20:31] Because that just annoys me so much! Because then it makes me seem like a liar. And the last thing I want to be perceived as is a liar. I am not a liar. I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m a liar, and I don’t want anyone thinking that they can’t create art like mine because it is “too many colors.” That’s just a weird stereotype, or, you know, that’s a stereotype or that person just made it up.

Gabe: [00:20:54] Are you really not going to admit that your feelings were hurt?

Michelle: [00:20:56] I was just baffled and then my feelings were hurt. It was just kind of like, “Who is this idiot trying to say they know more about schizophrenia than a person who has schizophrenia!?!”

Gabe: [00:21:06] Allegedly.

Michelle: [00:21:08] Oh, yeah. Allegedly. It just, you know-

Gabe: [00:21:12] Who hurts your feelings, Michelle? Like, whose opinion is so important to you that if they are negative toward you it ruins your whole day? For me it would be my wife. My wife, and my friends, and my mom. There’s like five people that what they think of me matters so intensely, that if I am happy and they say something mean to me it wrecks my whole day. Who in your life can do that? Who can take your happiness and just flip it upside down?

Michelle: [00:21:40] No one.

Gabe: [00:21:41] Really? So you’re telling me, that if your phone rang right now and your mom said, “God, you suck at podcasting!” You would just be like, “whatever” and it wouldn’t bother you one iota?

Michelle: [00:21:52] I’d just tell her to stop listening.

Gabe: [00:21:55] You lie. You lie so much. It would hurt your feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:00] Does your mom say that to you?

Gabe: [00:22:03] No! God, no! We have a great podcast. But, I’m saying if she did, it would hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:08] Hmmmm.

Gabe: [00:22:08] If my mom told me my podcast sucked, I would be sad. I would be upset for the rest of the day.

Michelle: [00:22:12] I mean, she’s insulted me way more times than that. So it’s really not that big a deal.

Gabe: [00:22:16] And it hurt your feelings! Admit it! Admit that it hurts your feelings. It’s OK that your mother can hurt your feelings. She’s your mom. I’m just trying to say that there are people in our lives whose opinions are so important to us that they can turn us on a dime. And I wish that those people would be more careful with our feelings, because we’re struggling with a lot. But we can’t control them. And that’s really what I’m trying to say – we can’t control their behavior. You can’t make your mom, and I can’t make my mom, or my friends, or you, or me, be nicer to us. We just can’t. So what I try to do is control my own emotions. I wish that I could be like the person that you’re pretending to be where I just don’t care that somebody insulted me. I don’t care. Fuck them. But I’m not. I’m not that guy. When people insult me, when people say mean things, it hurts me it hurts my feelings deeply and genuinely. And I will ruminate on it for days, it means that much to me. And I wish I could make that go away. And that’s what I work on every day. If there was something that I was still working on in therapy, it would be that. And I’ve gotten a lot better. We’ve gotten a lot better at cutting toxic people out of our lives, which we’ve discussed in previous episodes. I’ve gotten better at asking people follow up questions, so that way when they do hurt my feelings, I make sure that that’s what they meant. And I give them an opportunity to explain, because sometimes I just overreacted. And then I work really, really hard on just thinking, “OK, they didn’t like it, but that’s OK.” There’s a lot of different people in the world and just because they don’t like it, doesn’t mean that it’s not good. But mostly, I just curl up in a ball and cry. But I’m working on that, and I think a lot of our listeners feel that way too.

Michelle: [00:24:02] Gabe, I think we need to understand that we have to learn how to make our selves happy before we try to be happy for other people. How happy are you right now?

Gabe: [00:24:17] I am content. I’m content with my life. I feel safe. I feel secure. I love my wife. My family is good. I have a great show. I have a good career and my dog is nice. I would not say that I am happy. I would say that I am content and I think that’s the thing. I think from the outside looking in, a lot of people would be like, “Wow, if this guy isn’t happy with all the stuff that he has, he is never going to be happy” And that’s really my point. I think that a lot of us are really unhappy because we make ourselves miserable trying to get to some other mythical level. Or we need our medications changed and we need to work with our doctors. But I think that people with mental illness could be happier. I think we sabotage ourselves and I don’t know how to get out of the rut except by talking about it honestly. And I would venture to guess that a lot of our listeners feel the same as we do. They feel miserable, and they don’t know why, and that’s the point. If you don’t know why you’re miserable, then you’re probably not. You’re probably OK. You’re probably sabotaging your own happiness and that’s really messed up. Stop it there. We’ve just fixed all the depressed people Michelle, tell ’em to stop it.

Michelle: [00:25:27] Stop it. Just just stop sabotaging your own happiness, I guess. According to Gabe, you are sabotaging your happiness.

Gabe: [00:25:35] I think that it is something to consider.

Michelle: [00:25:37] I think that I am happy. I don’t think I’m sad or angry. I don’t think anything like that. I mean, I know I’m not 100 percent happy all the time. But in my life, I’m much happier than I was five years ago ,for sure.

Gabe: [00:25:53] Michelle, I always love debating happiness with you. So thank you, everybody, for listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Remember to review us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Share this episode. Make Gabe and Michelle famous because that is just so important! And we’ll see everybody next week.

Michelle: [00:26:13] Happy!

Announcer: [00:26:16] You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself. Head on over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe, go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. The show’s official web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at [email protected]. Thank you for listening and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2rvF9ZG via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

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psychotherapyconsultants · 6 years ago

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Podcast: Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?

Listen in to this episode to hear our thoughts on happiness, regret, and even a side story about Gabe’s first marriage.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People just want to be happy and normal, but there is no actual definition of either.” – Michelle Hammer

Highlights From ‘Happiness’ Episode

[1:00] Gabe & Michelle discuss happiness and mental illness.

[3:30] The most annoying questions we have ever been asked.

[5:00] Gabe’s story of never being satisfied with his life.

[10:00] What makes Michelle unhappy.

[12:00] What makes Gabe unhappy.

[17:00] Do people try to ruin our happiness? – A discussion.

[19:00] Michelle says she has confidence – but does she?

[23:00] Dealing with mental illness and negativity.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Can People With Mental Illness Be Happy?’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:19] Welcome to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. My name is Gabe and I have bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:25] I’m Michelle and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:27] You are straight up schizo.

Gabe: [00:00:29] Apparently I am. That’s what the doctors say.

Gabe: [00:00:31] Michelle, one of the questions that people living with mental illness get asked, pretty much ad nauseum, is, “Are you happy?” Do people ask you this?

Michelle: [00:00:40] Yeah. I think so, yeah.

Gabe: [00:00:41] There’s a bunch of them. “Are you OK?” “How are you feeling?” “Are you doing OK?”.

Michelle: [00:00:45] I hate that one. “So how are you doing? Like on a personal level? Like, how are you personally?” You know.

Michelle: [00:01:13] I feel like people have ulterior motives sometimes when they ask you if you’re happy.

Gabe: [00:01:18] Like what?

Michelle: [00:01:19] They want to see if you could actually be happy.

Gabe: [00:01:22] So you think it’s like a gotcha question?

Michelle: [00:01:23] Sometimes.

Gabe: [00:01:23] Really?

Michelle: [00:01:24] They’re like, “Are you happy?”

Michelle: [00:01:41] Whatever.

Michelle: [00:01:56] Why?

Gabe: [00:01:57] Because, I don’t know. I mean, how do you define happiness? You know our “Define Normal” initiative?

Michelle: [00:02:03] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:02:04] Where everybody gave a different answer for what “normal” was. Yet it’s something that’s thrown around by our society constantly.

Michelle: [00:02:13] Mmm-hmm.

Gabe: [00:02:13] I think if we asked a hundred different people what it means to be happy, we’d get 100 different answers. So when people say to me, “Are you happy?” I have no earthly idea.

Michelle: [00:02:24] Good point. And do you think anyone would actually say, “Yes, I am happy” and feel like they’re telling the truth or feel like they’re lying?

Michelle: [00:03:10] The never ending nonsense circle.

Gabe: [00:03:14] Michelle, how do you define “happy.”

Michelle: [00:03:17] How would I define “happy?”

Gabe: [00:03:19] Yes, that’s the question. Why do you keep repeating the question?

Michelle: [00:03:21] I’m thinking of my answer for defining “happy.” Well, how would I define happy? Not being able to get rid of a huge smile on my face.

Michelle: [00:03:45] I don’t have resting angry face. That’s just around you.

Gabe: [00:03:48] Okay. Well, you have Gabe angry face. Oh my God! You have GAF!

Michelle: [00:03:54] Shut up.

Gabe: [00:03:55] See, now you’re mean to me. So I’m clearly not happy now.

Michelle: [00:03:58] Good. Are you happy?

Gabe: [00:03:59] No.

Michelle: [00:04:00] Did you take your meds today?

Gabe: [00:04:03] One, yes-

Michelle: [00:04:03] How are you doing?

Gabe: [00:04:04] I’m good, I’m fine.

Michelle: [00:04:06] Are you sure? Are you well?

Gabe: [00:04:08] Well, there’s another one. Now hang on a second-

Michelle: [00:04:10] How’s your work? Do you have a job?

Gabe: [00:04:11] Ugh…okay.

Michelle: [00:04:12] Wow, you have a job? Are you able to work?

Gabe: [00:04:14] Oh, you’re killing me.

Michelle: [00:04:15] Are you on disability?

Gabe: [00:04:16] You’re killing me. No. No. Not that there’s anything wrong with that-

Michelle: [00:04:18] Do you live with your parents?

Gabe: [00:04:19] No.

Michelle: [00:04:20] Do you have any kids?

Gabe: [00:04:21] No.

Michelle: [00:04:21] Do you plan on getting married?

Gabe: [00:04:23] I am married.

Michelle: [00:04:24] Really? Wow! Does she like you a lot?

Michelle: [00:05:39] All that’s coming through, Gabe, is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:45] That’s the takeaway?

Michelle: [00:05:47] That’s it. The takeaway is that you need to give me some money.

Gabe: [00:05:49] I think the takeaway is that I think that’s how happiness works.

Michelle: [00:05:53] Well, happiness comes with money.

Gabe: [00:05:54] No. No, I think that-

Michelle: [00:05:56] Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

Gabe: [00:05:58] Well, mo’ happiness, mo’ problems.

Michelle: [00:06:00] What? Continue your story.

Michelle: [00:07:08] Uh-huh.

Michelle: [00:07:41] It’s just interesting that people just want to be happy and normal, yet there’s really no such thing as happy and normal. Nobody is happy and normal.

Michelle: [00:08:06] Yeah, I mean, there’s always, like, things that can make you happy. But it’s not like a lifelong happiness.

Gabe: [00:08:12] You know what makes me happy?

Michelle: [00:08:13] Your dog?

Gabe: [00:08:14] When you’re ready to record on time.

Michelle: [00:08:15] OK.

Gabe: [00:08:15] And my dog. I really like my dog.

Michelle: [00:08:18] Yeah. I mean, your dog makes me happy, but I mean I don’t like and when he cries and stuff. It’s sad.

Gabe: [00:08:24] Why does he cry? Wait, why are you making my dog cry?

Michelle: [00:08:26] Your dog cries all the time! We walked in the house, and your dog was crying.

Gabe: [00:08:29] Because he wanted you to play with him! Did you play with him?

Michelle: [00:08:33] No.

Gabe: [00:08:33] So you just walked in the house and ignored him and just went about your business.

Michelle: [00:08:37] Yes.

Gabe: [00:08:37] Wow! You ignored a crying puppy.

Michelle: [00:08:40] He was in his crate. I didn’t want to let him out of the crate.

Gabe: [00:08:41] You left him when he was trapped in a crate.

Michelle: [00:08:44] You let him out of the crate, so shut up!

Gabe: [00:08:47] I did let him out.

Michelle: [00:08:48] You’re not funny.

Gabe: [00:08:48] I’m a little bit funny.

Michelle: [00:08:50] No.

Gabe: [00:08:51] I’m not?

Michelle: [00:08:52] Your jokes make me unhappy.

Gabe: [00:08:55] Can you define “jokes?”.

Michelle: [00:08:56] Nothing you say.

Gabe: [00:08:59] That’s actually an excellent question, though. Because “jokes” has a definition. The word joke has a definition. It’s something that makes people laugh. Right?

Michelle: [00:09:07] Uh-huh

Michelle: [00:09:23] Well, maybe John didn’t think it was as funny.

Gabe: [00:09:25] So it’s still a joke?

Michelle: [00:09:27] It was a joke, but it wasn’t funny to everybody.

Gabe: [00:09:32] So you can be happy with something but maybe somebody else who had the same thing wouldn’t be happy?

Michelle: [00:09:37] Right.

Michelle: [00:09:49] I think maybe we dwell too much on the things that make us unhappy.

Gabe: [00:09:53] What are some things that you dwell on that make you unhappy?

Gabe: [00:10:22] So you live with a lot of regret?

Michelle: [00:10:24] Mmm-hmmm

Gabe: [00:10:24] And you think that that regret is making you unhappy?

Michelle: [00:10:28] Yes.

Gabe: [00:10:28] Now, the things that you regret happened in the past. So clearly time travel is not a thing?

Michelle: [00:10:34] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:10:34] So you can’t go back and fix it?

Michelle: [00:10:36] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:36] So it’s ruining your present even though it happened in the past? And we’re going to assume that it’s going to ruin your future, even though it happened in the past?

Michelle: [00:10:44] Right.

Gabe: [00:10:45] So you’re literally wrecking your entire life because of something that you regret, that happened a while ago, that you cannot change or fix?

Michelle: [00:10:50] Well, how do I get it to go away?

Gabe: [00:10:52] Well, that’s a fair question. How do you get it to go away? Could you make amends?

Michelle: [00:10:56] No. No.

Gabe: [00:10:57] Like, not ever? You’re just stuck with it?

Michelle: [00:10:59] Yeah. Yeah.

Michelle: [00:11:10] Some things weren’t really my fault.

Gabe: [00:11:11] Then why do you regret them? And why are you unhappy about them?

Michelle: [00:11:14] Because things sometimes are just unfair.

Gabe: [00:11:17] So you’re upset about things that aren’t fair?

Michelle: [00:11:20] Yeah.

Michelle: [00:11:29] Yes.

Gabe: [00:11:31] That’s nuts! Hold that thought, Michelle. We’re going to step away to hear from our sponsors.

Gabe: [00:12:09] And we are back discussing happiness.

Michelle: [00:12:12] Well, we just got to all the roots of my problems. Gabe, thank you so much. And I can’t change the past and it won’t get out of my head.

Michelle: [00:13:09] What did you do to her?

Gabe: [00:13:09] Well I married her. That was bad.

Michelle: [00:13:12] It was bad to marry her? That’s what she said?

Gabe: [00:13:14] It turns out that women don’t really like being married to untreated bi-polars. I had no idea.

Michelle: [00:13:20] Was it your fault for marrying her? She said yes. She said I do. How is that your fault?

Gabe: [00:13:28] I…

Michelle: [00:13:29] Didn’t she know that you were an untreated bipolar?

Gabe: [00:13:31] No.

Michelle: [00:13:31] She didn’t?

Gabe: [00:13:33] None of us did.

Michelle: [00:13:34] Oh.

Michelle: [00:14:07] She should forgive you, though. Don’t you think?

Gabe: [00:14:10] I would like to think that she would, but she believes that I’m faking bipolar in order to con people for money.

Michelle: [00:14:17] Are you serious?

Gabe: [00:14:18] That’s not something you can make up.

Michelle: [00:14:22] Okay, I don’t really like her that much anymore.

Michelle: [00:14:35] Here’s what I don’t understand-

Gabe: [00:14:36] I don’t know why she doesn’t believe in mental illness but she doesn’t.

Michelle: [00:15:06] She’s a bitch.

Michelle: [00:15:50] Do you want her in your life?

Michelle: [00:17:09] I mean, at least now you know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:11] Yes. Yes.

Michelle: [00:17:12] You know, at least you’re not still on that track, yelling at her. Being a horrible person. You know to apologize.

Gabe: [00:17:19] Yes, I was an incredibly bad husband.

Michelle: [00:17:21] Do you ever think people are trying to ruin your happiness?

Gabe: [00:18:03] I do.

Michelle: [00:18:03] High school stuff. Like you when I get a new haircut and then everyone just has to say it’s ugly, you know?

Gabe: [00:18:09] I mean, your hair is not great.

Michelle: [00:18:11] I’m just saying.

Gabe: [00:18:11] And also, that’s not a really cool shirt. And your shoes are kind of dollar store, but whatever, you do you.

Michelle: [00:18:18] That’s what I’m trying to say, though. That’s my point.

Gabe: [00:18:20] But does that pettiness bother you?

Michelle: [00:18:22] People do sometimes try to ruin other people’s happiness to make themselves feel better.

Michelle: [00:18:40] Me now? No way. Me 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Gabe: [00:18:47] But there’s still stuff that people can say to you that hurts your feelings?

Michelle: [00:18:52] Yes.

Michelle: [00:19:47] The softer side (singing).

Gabe: [00:19:48] But you actually kind of have a confidence issue, don’t you?

Michelle: [00:19:53] I don’t have a confidence issue. I just don’t like when I feel like people are just giving me unsolicited advice.

Gabe: [00:20:54] Are you really not going to admit that your feelings were hurt?

Gabe: [00:21:06] Allegedly.

Michelle: [00:21:08] Oh, yeah. Allegedly. It just, you know-

Michelle: [00:21:40] No one.

Michelle: [00:21:52] I’d just tell her to stop listening.

Gabe: [00:21:55] You lie. You lie so much. It would hurt your feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:00] Does your mom say that to you?

Gabe: [00:22:03] No! God, no! We have a great podcast. But, I’m saying if she did, it would hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:22:08] Hmmmm.

Gabe: [00:22:08] If my mom told me my podcast sucked, I would be sad. I would be upset for the rest of the day.

Michelle: [00:22:12] I mean, she’s insulted me way more times than that. So it’s really not that big a deal.

Michelle: [00:24:02] Gabe, I think we need to understand that we have to learn how to make our selves happy before we try to be happy for other people. How happy are you right now?

Michelle: [00:25:27] Stop it. Just just stop sabotaging your own happiness, I guess. According to Gabe, you are sabotaging your happiness.

Gabe: [00:25:35] I think that it is something to consider.

Michelle: [00:26:13] Happy!

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-can-people-with-mental-illness-be-happy/

#World of Psychology

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type2diabetestreatments-blog · 8 years ago

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ANNOUNCING: Our 2012 D-Moment Holiday Sweepstakes Winners!

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/announcing-our-2012-d-moment-holiday-sweepstakes-winners/

ANNOUNCING: Our 2012 D-Moment Holiday Sweepstakes Winners!

The results are in for our 2012 DiabetesMine D-Moment Holiday Sweepstakes!

We asked PWDs everywhere to share, in a few sentences, their big "aha!" diabetes moment of 2012, as in:

What struck you hardest this year, in that you learned or observed something new?

The idea being that whether you've had diabetes for two months or 20 years, there always seems to be an "aha moment" to be had.

The contest ran from Dec. 3 through Dec. 20, and we received more than 50 entries from many segments of the Diabetes Community, including quite a number of type 2s (welcome!!).

Entries ranged from big "epiphany" moments of being diagnosed to "little victories" such as finding small ways to eat healthier or better communicate with doctors. While the responses ran the gamut of how people are living with diabetes, many reflected a similar theme of taking charge of their own health and discovering new patterns in their own D-management challenges. We love the running theme of EMPOWERMENT, and hope that is what 2012 was all about for many of you.

A few entries that caught our eye especially:

"I had a lot of 'Aha!' moments with diabetes this year, but the biggest is that I finally saw patterns forming in my day-to-day experiences that led me to recommend my own basal insulin changes to my doctor. I felt like I finally had influence over my health." - Rachel Kerstetter

"I'm a new T1 as of August, I'm 33 and a marathon runner. My biggest revelation is the shocking fact that most people have no idea what diabetes is or the difference between T1 and T2. It's shocking. I just remind myself of that, when someone tells me to 'exercise more.' - Corey Melke

"Our daughter was diagnosed March 19, 2011- two weeks before her 4th birthday. I sob when I see her pre-diabetes photos. Diabetes sucks! However, to provide the best care, I must find peace with diabetes and appreciate what it teaches us -- patience, awareness, strength, perseverance and selflessness." - Alison Schmidt

And this one, which was short of a shocker, given that it sounds like the doctor is taking the liberty of using the "carrot and stick" method on this poor PWD:

"My life as a type 1 diabetic started later than most being diagnosed at 19. Upon my diagnosis, about 7 years ago, my doctor signed me up to get a pump and CGMS very quickly. This past spring I decided that checking my blood sugar was no longer important. When my doctor found this out she took away my prescription for pump supplies and made me go back to needles and vials. Talk about an eye opener! There is no way to manage your blood sugars without checking when giving yourself insulin the old fashion way. I was only without my pump for 2 months, but it was one of the hardest times in my life. I took a lot from this, including to always 'test, don't guess.' I saw that sometimes when I thought my numbers were perfect they were far from it. I have been blessed with the opportunity to use the pump for better control, and I now know I do not want to treat my diabetes in any other way!" - Kim Wilborn

And now ... on to our winners. We wish we could give everyone a prize! But remember, this was a raffle, so using Random.org, here are the lucky NINE winners selected to receive prizes:

$75 Walgreens gift cards go to:

1. Andrew Bell: "I learned that yoga is changing my life. It is life. So I've become a certified yoga teacher. Yoga means union, and union is most important."

2. Melissa Thielen: "I learned that technology isn't everything when it comes to my diabetes. Having upgraded to both the t:slim and Dexcom G4 was exciting, but that excitement wore off and I realized that what matters most is the management of the diabetes, not necessarily the technology to do it with."

3. Aliza Chana Zaleon: "I've learned how the diabetes community can amazingly come together to support one another during the difficult times, and during the good times, with emotional support, supplies, and whatever else may be necessary. We are truly a family!!"

$50 gift certificates for Skidaddle diabetes bags go to:

4. "BooBooBear": "My 'Aha' moment came after the second time this year I was stopped by the police for suspected drunk driving and I was actually having a low blood sugar incident. It was scary and totally embarrassing. I will never get behind the steering wheel without checking my glucose levels again."

5. Rita Meadows: "My daughter is 11 years old and has type 1 diabetes. Over the past 3 months during one week per month, her blood sugars go on a roller coaster ride. On the third month, we thought, 'Aha! Puberty!'

6. Steven Grossen: "I just turned 16 on March 22, 2012, and a month later I was diagnosed with type 1. It was really hard for me. Sometimes, I feel depressed but I realize that I have a good family to help me. It's hard because my dad lost his job and my mom works, but she don't make much. I just want my family to have a great Xmas."

And sample boxes of LEVEL Life Glucose Gels with yummy new flavors go to:

7. Jasmine Cloud (currently living in Italy): "After countless visits to various offices trying to get into the Italian health care system -- and free diabetes supplies -- I've become disheartened at the amount of time, stress, and energy these visits have taken. But then I had my Aha moment: my health is worth it."

8. Carly Thompson: "My biggest day of 2012 was my wedding day. There was so much to plan, some D-related (like a wedding day basal program, 'Wasal,' and hiding glucose tabs in my bouquet). The kicker was hearing my Omnipod fail mid-ceremony...I smiled as my husband shook his head, recognizing the sound instantly."

9. Mom and Daughter combo, Carol and Casey Byrd:

"I'm sending this on behalf of my 9-year-old type 1 daughter, Casey, who says: 'This year diabetes has been discouraging me. I forgot I had diabetes and volunteered for a s'more eating contest. My skin looks different from my sister's because I have sensor insertion scars on my bottom. I can't drink pop at school for a class prize."

We want to thank EVERYONE for sending in your D-Moments. All of them are winning lessons and discoveries, and it's great to reflect at the end of the year, no? We are right there with you in holding up these moments as experiences that shape who we are.

To summarize our sentiments, these two caught our eye:

"In 2012, I learned that it's not always my fault if my diabetes gets out of control, like if my insulin is bad or something. All I can do is my best." - Leanne Ortbals

And from D-Mom Alexis Newell, who created the advocacy group the Blue Heel Society:

"Diabetes is here to stay. It's not leaving anytime soon. The faster I learn to accept that, the faster I will be happy and be able to enjoy each day of our 'new normal.' Everyday is a blessing, diabetes or not. And some days, diabetes brings us blessings too!"

Exactly! All we can do is our best, and perfect shouldn't be the goal — just being better is enough to help us appreciate the lives we have!

Congrats to our winners, and thanks again for playing.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

Type 2 Diabetes Treatment Type 2 Diabetes Diet Diabetes Destroyer Reviews Original Article

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