#do I think im a sociopath? well. the jury’s out on that honestly

[psychoticwillgraham]

i’m supposed to be happy down here rn, but I’m not. I feel so homesick. not for my hometown, no. but for Rich and the boys at the shop. Rich especially needs me rn bc he just got outed and lost of all his business contacts so now he has absolutely no money coming in except for his disability payments. he didn’t even call me once during this ordeal. when I asked him why last night, he said that he didn’t wanna bother me bc I’m supposed to be on vacation and chilling and didn’t want me to worry about him. I can’t be mad bc I’d do the same thing honestly.

down here, everything seems so foreign to me. like I just stick out like a sore thumb. but nobody here knows me and I can truly be myself without judgement or preconceived notions ppl have about me. well, not really bc it’s dangerous for trans ppl down here. despite my life being shit back home, I miss it. I rlly do. and I’ve nearly drank about five different times and the rally (the big stressor) isn’t until Thursday. i’m terrified that I’ll relapse soon if I stay here, and if I do, mom and sis will scream and scream at me saying that I’ve disappointed grandma and am spitting on her memory by going back to the very thing that she fought so hard to help me beat back.

i’m just. Sad. and I feel empty inside. so very empty.

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 13 - “The Last Check Mark I Need” - NICOLE

IDK WHATS GOING ON. But I don't trust Jared and nicole or Johnny. I think im going I don't wanna wrongly play. But them.not knowing the vote count is sketchy

This entire past tribal went horrible - Vilma went home and she was a huge ally who was very involved in my game, but I found out a few things of her not trusting me so BITCH BYE (jk ilysm) - Regan exploited our alliance that we had between me, her, Augusto, which was SO pointless on top of ALL OF THE REASONS where regan pissed me off today, but honestly, I don't feel the need to go into it again bc just lol at this point she's honestly fucking insane (sorry ily but you're fucking nuts) - Nicole just failed to understand why I voted for her, and I feel so bad about things, especially considering we hungout irl a few days ago, and I told her I wouldn't vote for her.. I also feel bad that Jared has turned into a lowkey sociopath this game and nicole is getting wreckt for it - This BAD PUBLICITY over this reward challenge when people dont want me going to ghost so they can kill me instead - Dan is PISSED at me for all of these chats getting exploited, being left out of the nicole vote and just the consistent lying to him. Jared played so many FUCKING games today that threw him, Dan and I under the bus, and it was just nuts, and he blew up both of our games in a way that wasn't necessary..... and there were just other ways to plan it out What I WILL say is that I'm turning Asya into like.... one of my closest allies bc I think she's fucking awesome, and I think we're in the same boat, and if it's up to me, I don't want her going anywhere.. I'm plenty okay voting out anyone who isnt augusto asya roxy at this point..... everyone else can probably burn? I'll see how long I can keep Jared around. Eventually, enough is enough and I may just have to throw in the towel and vote for Jared, but I'm going to try to not think about that bc my intentions are to still stay pure to Jared so GOSH lord help my soul

https://youtu.be/12RpRL81wjc

Lots to explain, let’s start off with the most obviously trivial. Regan talks about herself...a lot. Like, a lot. Regan is most definitely the most self centered person I’ve ever met. She knows it so like, it’s not mean that I’m stating it. But anyway every day in the tribe chat she goes on for sooooo long about herself and so I made a fun little game where when she sends a rant about her life I say “Merry Christmas Everyone”. It started on Christmas, so it wasn’t that funny BUT every day since it’s gotten progressively funnier and funnier. Ricky and Alex chimed in a few times and then I got Johnny in on it. It’s becoming such a moment every time it happens and the farther away from Christmas we get, the more ridiculous Regans responses get to it. Now, back to business. Last night I almost got voted out. I am BEYOND thankful that when I went to Ghost Island I was able to get the Sapphire Idol and will it to Jared during the second or third round. We have been trying to hold on it for so long in order to use it correctly to save both of us and tonight was the PERFECT oppurtunity. We not only did THAT but we flushed two idols since Regan used hers for no reason and Vilma left with hers. (I feel so bad I wish she would have used it and rocked out Johnny). Today I’ve made substantial progress with Asya and Dan but I really don’t think it’s enough. Which makes me nervous. I feel like going going home these next two rounds is going to be so sad for me. I have the fucking legacy advantage and having to give it away before I even can use it would kill me. Regan better calm herself with her agenda to get me out because if she doesn’t fucking relax I will 100% get her out with the legacy advantage just for fun. Finding a fourth to vote with us is going to be actually terrible. I’m hoping I can be immune so that the tables are forced to turn. I really don’t want to go. Maybe Jared will find something at ghost island to shake things up. I feel like crap about this game because Asya has painted a picture of how I COULD win. But that makes me feel like nobody will let me get that far. I just want to win so badly this is like the last check mark I need in order to feel successful in this community (as cheesy as it sounds).

So I’m really boo boo the damn fool huh. Vilma leaving last night was literally heart wrenching. After hosting her in Cayman Islands, she was probably one of the most deserving of the unfinished business casting. She’s an amazing person, friend, and ally. I really am gonna miss her a lot in this game. As it stands rn, everyone is being shady. Especially Johnny, but honestly, we been knew. Regan leaving the chat is fucking annoying. She’s unwilling to vote anyone but Nicole. I promised Nicole I wouldn’t write her name down this game, And I intend to make that happen. I wish there was a way that me and Nicole could lowkey get the votes split 3-3-1 on us this week to force a rock pull, but there’s literally no way. When I think about it, splitting up Nicole and Jared is smart, however, in my opinion the wrong person is on Ghost Island rn. I’d much rather vote out Jared than Nicole and that’s just that on that. I may honestly just throw a vote or self vote this round bc I literally can’t bring myself to vote out Nicole. If Nicole wins immunity, I am a little worried for my ass soooooo. Idk what’s best rn.

https://youtu.be/OSPsCvp7lmM

https://youtu.be/dLh35zpslXU

OKAY LISTEN..... I'm proud of myself bc I've gotten to that point of ORGs where I feel I'm done doing 800 long ass confessionals every round, but nonetheless, I've gotta do one each round, and I'm trying to make it good, so here's the content from my host chat about why im considering what im considering today: I am hoping that the Regan/Nicole thing continues until right before the vote, and this round is going to be everyone depending on my vote because I'm the swing, and I'm hoping people are going to be patient with what my decision is, because I'm likely not going to make it until right before tribal...... jk im voting for regan, but they dont need to know that ;) i know by voting out regan, im making it harder for myself to get to the end, but I'm REALLY trying to surround myself with threats so I can get to the end. I was the first person this season to make an "out there" game move, by playing my idol and taking out Ricky, and since them, i am trying my damnedest to just hold back my threat level, so people just let me go further and further. I don't have MANY options beyond that at this point Oop apparently regan is voting for me.. that's a mood Now here's me ranting about taking out Dan vs Regan: Regan is more easily controlled, and she has been working closer to me this entire game.. She is a goat and likely won't win at the end, but she's a very likely candidate to get to the end at this point just because she's such a goat Dan, on the other hand, has been a strong ally, but he voted for me once, and has been wishy washy with his allegiances since he voted for me the first time (when I used my idol), and promised us so many things, but Dan has pretty good relationships and is unpredictable, but he's sworn up down left and right that he wants finals with Augusto and I. The BIG reason for keeping Dan is that Roxy and Augusto, who are probably two of my top three closest, and most trusted allies, are going to be more reliant on me next round for numbers, and even more when it gets closer to the finals, they may feel more compelled to take me to the end because there are too many big threats left in the game but if i vote for regan then i might be jeopardizing my specific spot in the game, and I'd have the potential of my allies turning on me

(A LITTLE LATER)

So I guess here's an ACTUAL confessional since I haven't really planned on making anything else, but I feel bad Regan fucked my entire game up because she thought she was being cute after last tribal. Everyone was on a call during that reward challenge (not getting into it... literally fuck the hosts bc that changed the entire game, moving on), and they were all spilling shit because Nicole got mad that four people voted for her, and then Nicole and Dan both started making this game feel really personal, and honestly, it just felt icky to me that they were bringing it to a personal level when it was a game move. I understand what Nicole is going through bc (T B H Jared) Jared is a sociopath in games, and he really just doesn't have a chill switch sometimes, especially when dealing with nicole, so like..... idk, people started feeling bad for nicole bc jared YELLED at nicole after tribal on that call apparently, and ig it had to do with me, and more of an exposing me party YAY, but idk.. so I feel bad for her too I deem literally everyone in this cast currently a close friend, so this is never ever going to be an easy decision from here on out. Every decision is going to be painful. My entire plan for the day was to pretend to be indecisive about how I wanted to vote, when in reality all day, my intentions were to vote for Regan, however, things have changed sadly............... I'm voting for Dan tonight, and I don't see myself changing my mind before tribal for many of many reasons. I mostly just feel that if Dan stays, I could POTENTIALLY not have numbers next round since Dan is consistently playing double agent, and jared nicole and asya could come together and vote out either roxy or augusto, and then i'd be fucked, especially considering those are probably the two people im trying to get to the end with (without screwing over jared and losing his jury vote uwu) Also, the biggest reason I've gotta do this is to just not upset the people who've been the best to me since we've merged. Augusto and Roxy have been nothing but helpful to my game, and Dan was the FIRST of my allies to turn on me, and that still hasn't been sitting well with me since it's happened. I'm moreso doing this for my allies than anyone else, and knowing that Roxy, Augusto, Regan and I are likely not going to break until we get to the end ish? (But also Asya queen is getting to the finals if it's the last thing I do. Regan can LEAVE before Asya does, but that's besides the point hmmmmmm) My other big fear with voting out dan is that im voting out such a meat shield.. going into the f5 with any combination of asya augusto roxy regan puts me in a lot of trouble to get 5th or 4th, and I'm foreseeing a world now where I get 5th or 4th because those are the people I chose to go down the stretch with, but we'll see... I think I can maybe have a few tricks up my sleeves to attempt to get me there? oops?

IDK THE TEA IS THAT im voting johnny with nicole and dan and idk if i can pull this off

Nicole and I decided this plan to get it to be 3-2-2 and I’m so nervous it’s gonna fall through. I’m shaking in hangout rn omfg this is so stressful