#do I support the fish … no but ppl need to think logically

[galaxymagick]

vixx’s album and mv drops in like 16hrs!! I’ll probably be asleep lol as much as I’d love to be there waiting for it, id rather sleep but I might wake up naturally regardless but one thing I wanna do is stay away from the intl ☆ on dead bird app as much as possible because they really are kill joys. they can’t just be positive about it or use words normally they have to be weird (derogatory) ..and they have dumb jokes like atm its constant fish hating and contradicting themselves: .. they’re underwhelmed by this cb no wait they love this cb.. they hate the styling bring back the old stylists oh Hyuk did it all, omg love it!! they should all leave and move to hyuk’s company (even tho it’s not a company like that but a visual and creative producer and director company (am I wrong?) he’s actually signed under companion) … stupid fish has done nothing but steal (yet it will be through their contacts and likely a lot of their resources and distribution and from what I’ve seen and understand they let them have a lot of creative freedom all while paying them )

.. 🤦‍♀️

[rulanarinrush]

drdt ch2 ep 13 spoilers, just some general thoughts

This was a really good episode I think, the logical train of thought in this episode compared to the last episode feels a bit more consistent. I don't mean the last episode was bad, just that David is just wowza^tm. Speaking of David, dang dude, do you want a cookie to go with that face you made? drdt really is starting to double as a comedy for me but only bc it appeals to my weird sense of humor now.

I'm now really suspicious of Ace and Hu, congrats those culprit believers. I didn't actually realize how similar the attempted murder was to this one, but I guess now that I know that the mechanism used was shockingly simple(I would not have expected the support beams to hold under that much force...) it does make sense in hindsight. I think there's some merit to the idea that Nico, whether intentionally or unintentionally, covered up for maybe Hu's potential murder attempt(the wire), and that Nico was actually trying to save Ace. But something that gets to me is when Hu would have found the time to grab the fish(assuming Eden is being honest about being with her from 7-10). I have a hard time believing that Nico would willingly give up the fish to be killed, or would cover for her alibi in the morning, or would simply just... let her get away with even their life(killer wins the trial and all). This may in fact be where both of their secret quotes comes into play, if Hu really did attempt that, Veronika is the only one I see as willing to give Hu the fish, and I can't remember how long she and Teruko were together, so maybe it's possible. But if we're going off the assumption that the note is real, that still does not negate the fact that Hu was with Nico that time in the morning. I'm also really curious how Nico would have agreed to steal the turpentine for this purpose if they didn't try to kill Ace on their own. What, did Hu say she needed the turpentine to drink it or something?

At first I just assumed that since Nico is apparently a thief(/lh) they just stole the wire from Hu, but perhaps not. Perhaps they agreed to this and the condition that Hu would immediately confess if she killed Ace? But since that didn't happen, Nico is holding up their end of the bargain.

The main problem I see with Hu being the killer besides the fish is just that I cannot believe Nico would willingly cover for Hu with their life on the line. She'd probably know a lot about hangings and all, but when would she have found the time to commit murder? If it occurred between 7:30 and 8:00, that is a very tight timespan. I guess she also knows about the clothes too, but it's still one of those pieces of evidence that's like, I think anyone who went in the dressing room could have found it.

I do think that anyone could have gotten the tape(as Ace could have simply kicked it away while standing up) but ppl r right that it's a suspicious detail to just disappear. Levi is still a little suspicious to me(im sorry) because his whole secret did not, frankly, contribute that much to the murder besides getting the other motives out, and he could have investigated the gym after the murder attempt, but there's still no smoking gun yet, so I won't jump him.

Ace is clearly suspicious bc he could have followed Arei after her and David's convo, as well as his missing alibi, the fact that he def. has motivation to kill, and that he could have been eavesdropping on their convo specifically to find a moment to get the fish. He would also probably know best about the murder attempt besides, again, Nico and Hu. He also would probably know where the turpentine is later too.

Also dang, was Eden the one that stabbed Xander? Part of me feels very suspicious because this revelation feels far too early in the story, but of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that she's the mastermind or traitor. The figure in the prologue says they were wrong to trust them(i think...) so unless they're talking about nico it refers to multiple people. Also, the figure isn't wearing gloves in the prologue? though that can easily be explained through the bleeding, you wouldn't want to touch an open wound with dirty gloves. But anyway, due to their height difference, I'm guessing Eden somehow got Xander down on the floor based on the angle of the shot. What, did she tackle him or something? Guess she coulda gone pro if she hadn't joined hope's peak.(bad reference). She looks upset in the shot... that's all I can say about that scene really. I don't think it's enough to say for sure whether she's involved in the establishment of the killing game, it's just as likely she could have been forced to do that somehow.

(This is only relevant if you are one of my friends)

If Ace actually ends up being the killer, I literally haven't drawn anything that wasn't related to a diagram in years(basically I draw things but not like. what you'd consider high art/anime art... ) but I suppose. I am honor bound. I'm mostly a fanfiction writer but I'd better start practicing drawing Ace's face on my phone for that meme lmfao...

[okaywowcool]

have you ever bought anything from kokopie? I wanted to buy a rainbow sweatshirt from there and I thought it was an ok store because of their popular social media but when I looked at the reviews of them on sitejabber majority of the reviews were very negative (usually about how long their shipping is and their customer service). I've seen on their instagram that they sometimes respond to people's questions almost in a snarky tone?

i want to preface all of this by saying that i don’t like kokopie and i haven’t bought from them. i think they’re way overpriced and they sell p much exactly the same stuff as all storenvy resell stores do. i’m not sure if they also have original stuff (maybe some patches? it’s hard for me to tell with the tshirt designs, the ones with their logo are definitely theirs but some of the more generic ones i have a bit more trouble with) but it’s just like. idk don’t pay $35-$50 for a sweater you could get on aliexpress for $18. they also have the same sweater on there for 2 different prices as 2 separate listings and just like…what is that about, lol. 

i don’t really want to address the sitejabber reviews or the time complaints, just because i feel like the majority of sitejabber reviews for any shop is negative, which i’ve said on here before. and if ppl are complaining about the time stuff takes to get to them then like. you ordered from a china-based place and stuff just takes that long! a lot of ppl complaining that their packages took 3 weeks to get to them just makes me tired, it’s just one of the sacrifices people need to expect if they buy anything from china. 

but–the dishonesty is a real issue. the fact that the shop says they’re based in philedelphia when a lot of stuff is being dropshipped to you from china is a problem. there are some original items that they’re selling, but i feel like the majority of items people seem to be having issue with (as well as the long wait times) are due to those pieces being dropshipped. 

to explain, you see the people complaining about their stuff coming piece-meal? it’s because kokopie takes your order, and goes on aliexpress (or a similar site) and makes 5 separate orders from different sellers on there and just enters your address so they all get to you. some aliexpress sellers are really fast for being as far as they are, maybe taking 2 weeks, but some take a loooot longer than that. so you will rarely get things together, as you’re buying from one person who then takes your money and makes the actual order from 5 different stores. lots of shops do this. 

people’s misconceptions on the shop are also a hardcore problem though, i can take one look at the shop and be like “they’re another chinese wholesale dropshipping place” but people in these reviews have like a BUNCH of weird expectations and i have no idea where most of them are coming from–one person is freaking out because they think kokopie has their card information, which is not a thing. if a seller is selling through any platform, they never see your card info, not once. like if you buy something on etsy, shopify, storenvy, tictail, p much anywhere, a seller never sees your card number. i can see if someone has paid with a credit card or with paypal (i can also see if your credit card payment has failed in the transaction–that’s something to help protect sellers from fraud) but that’s like, p much it. i don’t think kokopie is stealing people’s credit cards. so there’s a lot of unfounded panic going on in that regard. 

but then there’s another person on here that says that kokopie has 3 US based warehouses? is this info listed anywhere? the only logical thing i can think of is that it’s on their social media or that the seller has said that privately to the customer in question, and misleading customers is always bad no matter what. 

i have no idea about the majority of the instagram stuff (and i don’t feel up to fishing through their social media comments to find examples) but i know the way that this whole saga shook down is likely indicative of what is normal. i do think that the customer in question acted a bit out of hand in this whole interaction as well, like all-caps-ing at a stranger and accusing someone of theft is not really a good idea if you’re trying to get your money back, but i understand being stressed and unsure of how to handle the situation. the seller coming back saying “why try to destroy my business” and telling the person how hard they work on everything bc they got A bad review is bonkers. putting someone on blast on social media and having your followers attack them is also bonkers.

idk–i’d say stay away, anon. search the same items through aliexpress–it’s really easy for anyone to do now that they have this awesome search-by-image function (link is to my tutorial on how to use it!). you’ll be better off getting cheaper prices and avoiding all this drama. also. don’t trust a shop just because their social media is popular…both of the stores i’ve written up for being shady have incredibly popular social media accounts, but it doesn’t really stop them from being scummy places. definitely support artists making cool stuff, definitely support small businesses, but don’t support places just trying to make a quick buck who don’t respect their customer bases. :/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".