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Diversity win!

This is the dumbest thing I’ve written in ages. The plot is that Sparrow learns he’s aroace from the canonically asexual FBI agent. That’s it, that’s the fic.

Word count: 2747

CW: Strong internalized aphobia, feeling broken, sex mention

Summary: During an interrogation, Sparrow has a surprisingly insightful conversation with an FBI agent about his romantic and sexual orientation.

Sparrow kept his eyes on the ground without letting his glare slip. He wasn’t going to let himself break this easily, as he was guided into a private interrogation room. He was no stranger to experiences like this. No stranger to getting mixed up with dangerous people. And he would escape it, eventually. All he needed was a plan, and even without one, his allies would possibly help him out eventually.

“Take a seat,” the man at the other end of the desk said, and when Sparrow did not comply the agent that held onto him pushed him down into the chair. Soon after, the door closed, leaving the interrogator alone with Sparrow. There was a moment of calculative silence before the man spoke again, “Do you know why you’re here?”

“I had enough of that phrasing from teachers in middle school. I’m not falling for that.” Sparrow stated plainly.

The FBI agent chuckled in response, “That’s fair, that’s fair.” he tapped the table but didn’t let his eyes leave Sparrow for a second, “Let’s start with a simple question: What do you know about Nick Foster?”

Sparrow shrugged, “Nothing.”

“You and I both know that’s a lie.”

Sparrow didn’t respond to that.

The FBI agent sighed, “That’s what I thought you’d say,” there was a beat of silence, before the FBI agent opened a drawer in the desk. He rummaged around and eventually grabbed something, a jar, which he gently placed on the table in front of him. Sparrow raised an eyebrow, “I would like you to take a whiff of this powder.”

“I don’t do drugs.” Sparrow muttered half-jokingly.

“That’s not exactly what this is.”

“What’s even the point then?” Sparrow asked with a slight smirk. He was so tired, but he couldn’t let himself slip up.

The FBI agent sighed and opened the jar. “This powder ensures that you’re telling me the truth. If you smell it, I will too. I’m sure we can find information that’s beneficial to both parties.”

Sparrow huffed, “No offense, but I don’t really care about the government’s second-rate demon knowledge.”

“So you admit you have knowledge we don’t?”

“Not necessarily, but at least I don’t have an entire government organization about it.”

Then prove to me that you have nothing of interest.” The agent said, swirling the jar gently with one hand, “If you don’t, I can’t promise the safety of your family.”

Sparrow frowned a little too quickly for his own liking and could instantly tell that the agent had noticed. He sighed, “God you’re unprofessional about this. I can recognize a bluff.”

“Is that a chance you’re willing to take?”

My family can defend themselves he wanted to say, but despite everything that had happened, there was a burning sensation in his chest that he didn’t even want them to try. The thought of Rebecca, of his kids, and of how no matter how hard he tried, danger was hiding around every corner. He sighed, “You first.”

The FBI agent smiled with a little too much self-satisfaction, took off the lid and smelled the powder. He reached it out for Sparrow to do the same.

“Would you hurt my family?” Sparrow dared to ask before he complied.

“Yes,” the agent responded with far too little hesitation.

Sparrow leaned forward, feeling quite silly as he smelled the powder. He was caught off guard by the smell. It was like a home he could no longer pinpoint the location of. Like Lark’s presence beside him, like his father and mother’s warm embrace.

The agent smiled at him, a little softer now, “Are you ready to talk?”

“I’m never ready to talk,” Sparrow responded, the phrasing floating off his tongue strangely.

The FBI agent let out a small laugh, “I will warn you that sometimes the truth can surprise even yourself.”

Sparrow didn’t respond to that, trying not to let himself talk more than necessary. There was no reason to, when he hadn’t been asked a direct question.

“What do you know about Nick Foster?” The agent eventually asked.

Sparrow bit his lip and hardly had the time to think before he spoke, but was relieved at the place his mind decided to begin nonetheless, “He liked minions as a kid and I think he still does. He’s part-demon, has two dads because of some timeline mix-up and a court case, he used to be a real narc but see, his dad actually came from a guitar-”

“That’s not what I meant,” The FBI agent interrupted, “What does that even- no, it’s on me, I should’ve been more specific. Do you know how to get into hell?”

“No,” Sparrow stated, ”I don’t.”

“Do you know someone who does?”

Sparrow shrugged, “I knew Nick and his family,”

“Did you have a falling out?” 

“Yeah, we did,” Sparrow responded darkly, unsure why that part was even any of the agent’s business, “Have you had a falling out with any of your friends?” He figured it was a good idea to direct a question the other way. There was less to be revealed if the spotlight was moved around.

“I have,” the FBI agent nodded, “This is not an easy line of work.”

“Neither is mine,” the words drifted out before he had the power to stop them. He wasn’t sure if he had that power in the first place. It seemed too tempting to share, “Do you have a family?”

“I do. Are you trying to stop me from questioning you?”

“I am,” Sparrow smiled somewhat, “Have you done this before?”

“Yes. It’s surprisingly freeing.”

“Is it? How so?” Sparrow asked, not really caring.

“Well, you can tell how it feels. It’s nice and calming, and it’s a good way to make room for yourself to admit things you find it too difficult to think about.”

“Like how you’re working for a shitty and pretentious government organization?”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“I’m just being honest.”

“Where is Nick right now?”

“Hell if I know,” Sparrow thought for a moment, “Yeah, hell, if I know him.”

“Tell me,” the agent moved forward in his chair, “If you no longer speak to Nick, why are you trying to protect him?”

“Because I don’t want the government sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong and I also still care about him,” the last words came out shakier than he intended, “Where does your family live?”

The agent went somewhat pale, “In this city,” he quickly continued to speak, “Would you hurt an innocent family to get back at me?”

“Probably not, but you’d be a hypocrite if you make me leave them out of this entirely after your threats.”

“That’s fair enough. Who in your family are you most afraid to lose?”

“My kids.” Sparrow responded, surprisingly relieved at the answer.

“And then your wife?”

“No, then my brother.” there was an uncomfortable shiver throughout his body at needing to correct that.

The agent seemed surprised, “Really?”

“Suppose so, but he can defend himself.”

“And your wife can’t?”

“She’d probably be able to.”

“Probably?”

“I don’t know! I would never involve her in any of this, I’m in lo-” he abruptly cut himself off, the words faltering as he tried to say them out loud. As if he’d interrupted himself with a thought that never came. His heart skipped a beat.

The FBI agent furrowed his eyebrow, “What?”

“My wife, I’m in lo- in lo-” he tried to push the words out. Tried to feel all the right feelings in his heart to prove that he was speaking the truth, but the words weren’t budging. Got stuck in his throat before he could add another sound, “Fuck I- I love her and I want her to be safe.”

There was a beat of silence, “Are you alright?”

“Not in particular.” Sparrow cringed at the words.

“You seem kind of out of it.”

One stupid attempt at saying the righ thing had given the agent an excellent opportunity to get under his skin. Had let out something deep inside him that he’d worked so hard to keep hidden, even if he was always urgently aware of it. One miswording, and the agent already had something to use against him.

“I love my wife. I’m in lov- fuck I…” all color drained from his face and his heartbeat seemed so much louder. The room seemed to dissolve around him as he tried to keep his breathing steady and calm, “This isn’t relevant to this interrogation.” He tried.

There was silence between them. Sparrow was much more aware of it than he’d been in a while. After a few moments that lasted an eternity, the FBI agent spoke, “Do you want to talk about that?”

“I mean, yes, but it’s only because of the stupid powder you gave me.”

"You're not in love with your wife?"

"I'm supposed to be in love with her," Sparrow answered honestly, "But I've never been able to get that right. I always knew that, deep down."

There was an odd look in the agent's eyes, "Are you in love with anyone else?"

"No. I've never been in love with anyone," he felt tears in his eyes and this was so stupid, he shouldn't be admitting to any of this in front of this poser of an organization, "There's always been something wrong with me on that front. I've never been able to feel the right things like everyone else." 

"I don't think something's wrong with you because of that." The agent said, quietly.

“You don’t understand. It’s… I don’t even find her attractive. I can tell she’s pretty but when I kiss her it doesn’t make me feel anything. Whether she’s naked or clothed it doesn’t make any difference to me. And- and it’s not just her, I don’t find anyone attractive regardless of gender. It doesn’t matter how hot they are, it doesn’t make me feel anything. I-”

“Me neither,” the FBI agent suddenly blurted out.

Sparrow abruptly stopped speaking. A beat. “What?”

“Have you… I don’t know how to ask this, but have you ever heard the words… Aromantic and asexual?”

Sparrow blinked away some of the tears he still had in his eyes, “What?”

“I’m… Alright, I’m not trying to label you or anything, but it sounds like you could benefit from looking into those things. It’s a… It’s a whole spectrum of experiences.” The agent seemed strangely serious as he spoke.

“What does this have to do with anything?”

“One time, when I was under the effects of this powder, I had a similar experience, so I figured I’d just let you know that it might not be as uncommon as you think it is.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Sparrow felt as if he was stuck in another world for a little. In that moment right before he went from one world to the next.

“I think you might be aromantic? And asexual too. Some people call that aroace, I think. Aromantic is when you feel little to no romantic attraction and asexual is when you feel little to no sexual attraction.” 

Sparrow felt like he couldn’t breathe for a few moments, “I think I might’ve heard of it before,” he stated, very slowly, trying to remember words he’d taken note of offhandedly in the past. Aromantic. Asexual. Aroace. The words felt like arrows straight to the head dissolving into water when it was too late to prevent the damage. “I’m not- I can’t be, I…” there were so many broken things about him, and this had always been one of them. One of those things he noted and kept to himself, because he couldn’t say it out loud, couldn’t risk it all falling apart. And maybe there was something comforting in knowing there were other people in the world where the right feelings regarding this particular thing were out of reach.

But the most powerful thought in his mind right then was not one about community or one about similar experiences to connect with.

“So I can’t fix it,” he whispered, an admission that poisoned every part of him, “I was never even capable of loving her?”

“Well, that’s not really how I’d put it-”

“So I have just been lying to her? It was doomed from the beginning and I didn’t even have the decency to realize I was a lost cause even when everything indicated that was the case?”

“You do love her. You could say that easily,” the agent clarified, “I don’t know much about her or your relationship, but it doesn’t seem like you stayed with her to manipulate her. It’s incredibly hard to identify feelings that aren’t there. Trust me, I’m married myself and I didn’t let myself realize I was asexual until recently. I had sex because of societal expectations and because I could always tell my wife really wanted to…”

“I want to want to,” Sparrow felt desperate as he spoke, “I can’t even describe how much I want to feel the right things. We have kids, I have a family to keep together. It’s so so hard to keep it together in the first place. A-all of it has been broken for years, ever since we were kids, and all I want… All I want is a normal family. A simple one. I don’t- I don’t want to hurt her. She’s one of the few good things I have left.” his voice cracked at the final words, the tears streaming down his cheeks without his involvement.

The FBI agent seemed to ponder the words for a few moments, “It’s not a simple thing to deal with, of course it isn’t. I mean, I don’t know your whole situation, man, but… This isn’t the sort of situation where either of you is the bad guy. Your wife probably never wanted you to feel broken or accidentally cross any boundaries, and of course you never meant to hurt her either. You have a family that you clearly love and want to protect, and that’s a really important thing, but you can’t keep lifting everything at the cost of your own self and comfort, you know?”

Sparrow tried to even out his breathing, attempting to count the seconds for each inhale and exhale. “I- I can’t risk this. It’s… It’s too important.”

“I mean, no worries. This isn’t a thing you have to figure out overnight,” the agent explained, “But stuff like this builds up, doesn’t it? Even after I realized I was asexual it took me a while to tell my wife about it, but it was a freeing experience in the end. It was really helpful to work out some new boundaries between us, and I feel more present in myself than ever.”

“I can’t just… I can’t just tell her I was never in love with her. I can’t tell her that she wasted- wasted all this time on me.”

The agent shrugged, “I feel like she wouldn’t have chosen to stay with you for this long if it was all a waste.”

Sparrow repeated the words in his mind. Aromantic. Asexual. “Aroace…” he whispered.

“I get it if it takes a while to take all that in. Take your time.”

“I really fucked all of this up… I’ve worked so hard to keep it all together, but really taping it all together makes all the broken bits show when you walk too closely.” he tried to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“Yeah I- I get it, you seem to have been through a lot,” the FBI agent nodded with a certain level of understanding. He met Sparrow’s eyes, “But for what it’s worth… You’re not broken. You’re a whole person, even if that person doesn’t always live up to everyone else’s expectations.”

Sparrow could barely force out another word, “Thanks-”

Suddenly, an alarm blared from the ceiling, causing both of them to freeze up. After a few fragile seconds, Sparrow managed to smirk weakly, “Looks like my escape is here.”

The FBI agent’s eyes widened, but before the man could provide a rebuttal, Sparrow felt Lark’s familiar arm on his. Many of the tensions he’d felt prior immediately dissolved.

It wasn’t all solved. There was so much he didn’t know, so much he didn’t understand, so much he needed to wrap his head around before anything could be done.

Though as he escaped the FBI the words lingered in his mind.

Aromantic. Asexual. Aroace.