#djinn!sam as object

[zmediaoutlet]

happy wincest wednesday! assuming djinn sam isn't as normal as he looks, what's a wincest headcanon you have for that universe?

happy wincest wednesday! (on actual wednesday for me! imagine that!)

This is one of those where I am happy to be a little bit led, bc I've read some fun fic to this effect -- in particular one I'm thinking of (can't remember title or author, sorry) where Sam's kind of... mean, and he's fucking Dean on the side and also fucks the cute El Sol girlfriend. I mean, ouch.

Tricky for me, though, because I'm of two minds about the djinn ep.

Mind 1: it's a djinnverse, which means that it is a fake world blown up from the mind of a specific person, intended to grant them one wish -- letting the dominoes fall as they may from that wish, given the information the djinn can suss from the person's brain. This means it's built by, limited by, given structure by, the wisher's imagination, the way they think about themselves, the way they imagine other people think about them, what they may wish were thought about them, shame and hope and desire and fear all swirling around together.

Mind 2: you can also just treat it as an entirely separate, wholly realized domino AU. That is -- make it a real universe unto itself, where x didn't happen and so y and z have all the room to grow they want. Not a fake world inside a wisher's head but just -- a world. This is the normal AU that would happen if Mary had lived.

Trouble for me, with Mind 2, is that... I don't believe in normal AU-with-normal-upbringing wincest. I just can't buy it. (I answered another ask on this ages ago, points for anyone who can find it bc I couldn't when I just briefly tried.) Normal AU where they're broke or John's abusive and Mary's dead, etc etc? Sure, let them fuck. But Dad with little league and Mary baking pie and Sam happily off to Stanford and it's all hunky dory? I know people like the soulmatism read where they'd get incestuous anyway, but... I just can't come with 'em. So.. Mind 2, sit down.

Mind 1, then: if the wish is still as simple as 'I wish Mom hadn't died?' And we bring canonically pining crazy-ass Dean Winchester, with all his hope and shame and hurt and need into that mess? So, it makes sense that Sam's off being normal and successful and marrying a picture perfect 2D (with double Ds) blonde. It makes sense that Dean's a wastrel who's on every shitlist. It makes sense that Sam wants nothing to do with him, because who would? Look at him. Look at the mess he is, look how lazy and meanspirited and dickish. A little bit of a mystery that he landed such a hot nurse, hm? But he's good at faking it, isn't he, because the thing is that he wanted Sam so badly that he panicked. Couldn't get too close because he couldn't ruin Sam, too. It was easier to be an asshole, to be the bad example, to screw Sam over and make Sam push him away, to do everything he could to be the person Sam would never want to be -- and it worked, Sam ran off to California and went to college and was Mr Perfect and when he'd come home for Christmas he'd look at Dean with this pained expression like, don't ruin this, too, and Dean'd grin back like -- oh, just watch me. Making sure. When Sam was good and gone Dean did get the hot girlfriend, because he knows how to use his body and he knows how to be pleasing when he needs to, and he was normal, or at least normal enough to count, and when he drunkdialed Sam on weird nights when Carmen was gone on one of those three 12s weeks he'd say -- he didn't know. He wasn't responsible for what he said then. He'd already ruined it so what did it matter, if he ruined it a little more.

Sam didn't hang up on him. Sometimes Dean'd look at his call log and there it'd be, under Outgoing -- forty minutes, an hour. Two hours. Maybe Sam just put the phone down and went to sleep. Maybe that was it. But one time, he was drunk but he wasn't as drunk as he could've been, and he called, and Sam answered even though it was one in the morning in Palo Alto, and Dean didn't quite know what to say because his filters hadn't been completely drowned yet, and Sam said, when Dean wasn't sure he'd say anything at all, you already done? and Dean said no -- no, I'm not done, and Sam said, kind of quiet so Dean couldn't tell if it was disgusted or not, if you're just going to heavy breathe at me I'll go back to studying, and Dean bit his tongue, and Sam said, well?, and Dean just -- said everything he'd ever thought, about -- about what he wanted, and what he'd dreamed. What he'd wished for. Thinking that Sam would hang up, that Sam would fly all the way back from the ocean to Kansas, would open up the apartment door and kill Dean where he sat, and Dean would've been grateful, if he did. But Sam stayed on the phone, and Dean could hear him breathing too on the other side of the line, and Sam said, quiet still when Dean paused with his mouth dry and his head ringing, he said: you get off on that? and Dean was so hard he was surprised he wasn't drilling a hole in his pants, and Sam hummed, and he said then, go on, and Dean clutched himself through his jeans and creamed his shorts and Sam stayed on the phone while he breathed through it, and then Sam said, still in that same tone, night, Dean, and Dean hung up, and he didn't call Sam again for months. Until the next time.

What I'm saying is: my hc, in Mind 1, is that djinn!Sam hates Dean exactly as much as Dean wants to be hated, and is as disgusted with him as Dean believes he deserves disgust, and when Dean can't take either of those anymore Sam will take him in hand, exactly as Dean needs to be taken in hand. He's useful, that way.

[gildedphoenix]

During the great depression, somebody made a wish. Fueled by desperation, powered by the pure dumb luck of being in the right place at the right time to be heard by an ancient Djinn (it was totally Desire) with a sense of humor. 

After the wish, everyone had a red string hanging off their left pinky. It dangled down a few inches and then just faded into non-existence. Nobody knew what it was for a few years but then stories started coming out. People finding their perfect match after feeling a tug at their string and following it. The string would twist and twine and lengthen as you got closer to your fated mate, your strings eventually connecting together. 

Most people’s strings just hung limp. Maybe listing in one direction or another. But 8 Billion people in the world and only one is your soul mate? Most people didn’t meet theirs. It was true that your soulmate was always within 10 years of age as you. But 10 years older to 10 years younger still gave you a 20 year range to work with. Everyone’s string appeared by the time they were 10. Some babies were born with their string already spun, a small red thread fading off into a wisp after a scant inch. 

Nowadays, it was common to go on a “string chase” vacation after graduating high school. Some people were close enough to their soulmates that they could just follow the leadings of their string, which would become longer and more opaque the closer you got to your mate. If your string gave you no leads, there were all kinds of "methods" to help pick which direction you should go.

Tucker and Sam were determined to go on string chase journeys post graduation. Tucker because he loved the excitement of an adventure, Sam to find someone who would truly understand her.

Danny was not so hopeful. At one point they'd all agreed to go together, but Sam felt like she was being led to the west coast while Tucker was just going to start in Metropolis, the nearest big city and go from there, hopping the next train out of town after a few days if he still had a slack string.

After a lengthy discussion of pros and cons, they decided that Tucker was more likely to get himself into trouble than Sam, so Danny found himself packing light and on a Greyhound to Metropolis. It was a shitty trip. Objectively the worst way to travel. Walking, or even hitch hiking would have been more pleasant. The bus was late. They had no way of making their connection in Chicago, and the vent fan in the bathroom was broken, making the bus reek of sewage.

Danny has shit luck and just doesn't believe he'll ever find his soulmate. The universe just doesn't like him that much.

Jason has, somehow, always had a leading direction on his string. When he was younger, there was nothing he could do about it. And now he had baggage and didn't want to pursue romance or relationship. (Even though he's a total sap for soulmate meet stories)

While in Gotham, both their strings keep tugging and lengthening and then falling slack again.

----

I know this isn't much but I promised myself I would post whatever I had and it's almost 1 am. So there. There's that fucking thing. I'll try to flesh it out more tomorrow, Enjoy red ♥️🧵♥️

[wincestbigbang]

Title: every man you’ve ever been Author: according2thelore Artist: bluefire986 Rating: Explicit Warnings/Spoilers: no archive warnings, but non-graphic suicide attempts (in the context of escaping a djinn dream) Summary: Dean blinks up at Sam with big green eyes and curls his hand into a fist, nails biting into the tough skin of his palm. It’s a nervous habit that Sam hasn’t seen in…years. His face, outside of the furrow in his brow, is unlined. Panic makes Sam’s voice unleveled as he asks,

“Dean…what year is it?”

Dean shakes his head. “It’s 2006.”

Sam stares at his brother. His brother is twenty-six years old.

Or: A magical object in the bunker swaps a 26 y/o Dean and a 40 y/o Dean. A confused Sam—who has been in a relationship with his Dean for a few years—tries to pick up the pieces, and send this younger Dean back to his own time. Things are complicated further when 26y/o!Dean thinks the reason things are too good to be true is because he’s in a djinn dream, and he’s torn between staying and going back at all costs.

Art: Live Journal | Ao3 Story: Ao3

[scoobydoodean]

I feel like you’re one of the few people I’d trust to ask this of, but I always find myself wondering at the different reactions Dean has to hunting, i.e: Sam and others. Like I don’t think at all that he forced Sam back or was dragging him around or anything like that. But even way back then with Jo he was always like “get away from this life”. And still, especially early on, he seemed to be offended/angry that Sam didn’t like the life/want it for himself. I always personally understood it as a mix of sibling bickering like “ohh you think you’re so much better”, a front so as to pretend “hey everything is fine don’t look too closely” and Sam himself kinda conflating hunting = family and thus had to cut both out to be free of it, so in turn Dean also associated Sam walking away from hunting as walking away from family (reinforced by Heaven and Purgatory, later on, in slightly different ways) (although which came first and/or how much that was influenced by John first is ultimately a chicken and egg situation, I suppose). But I’d like to know if you have thoughts on this? Sorry for the long ask, I hope it was coherent?

NOTE: For anyone looking for commentary on Dean absolutely not forcing Sam back into hunting, my tags #sam the hunter, #sam the family man, and #in which... I am too lazy to write all that out may be of use.

So if I understand correctly, what we're getting at here is that Dean pretty consistently tries to talk people (especially younger people) out of the life or objects to involving them. For example, Jo (2.06), Adam (4.19), Jimmy (4.20), Krissy and her dad (7.11), Krissy's friends (8.18), Claire (10.20). He tries to protect Jesse and Cesar's retirement. But when it comes to Sam, Dean isn't so into trying to talk him out of the life.

To discuss the premise itself first, I can think of the following instances where Dean is hurt, skeptical, or displays some other sort of objection to Sam vs normal life: 1.01, 1.16, 4.22, 5.16, 8.01 (Pine's rewatch notes help me out here too). On the other hand, I can also think of many moments where Dean is supportive of Sam having a normal life or wishes that for him. Starting from 1.06 and 1.18, Dean says that he wishes Sam could just be normal. By 1.07, Dean is suggesting they just stay in the college town representing Sam's wistful desire for normality. I have a compilation gifset of these and a few other season 1 moments here. In 2.20, Dean beams with happiness that Sam is living a normal life and has Jess by his side—this is also despite the fact that he and Sam are estranged in the Djinn dream universe. In season 8, while Dean is hurt and angry that Sam left him to die and abandoned Kevin, when the opportunity presents itself for Sam to get back together with Amelia in 8.10 and go be normal, Dean tells Sam he should go to her if that's what would make him happy. In 8.14, Dean says he wants to do The Trials so that Sam can survive and go be normal. Basically what I'm getting at is that while moments occur where Dean seems hurt by Sam wanting a normal life or has some other objection, there are more moments where the exact opposite is true. This contrast also opens the door for questions about why Dean sometimes reacts negatively and sometimes doesn't (or maybe has to "come around" to the idea). The mixed bag suggests a lot of different and sometimes conflicting emotions, which is very realistic I think.

I don't think every single one of these reasons factors into every single one of the five episodes I mentioned where Dean seems hurt/skeptical about Sam + normal life, but here we go:

First, while Dean tries to push a lot of people out of the life and is also shown to crave a normal life for himself at various points (ex: 2.20, 3.10, 5.17), he does believe that being involved with the supernatural world is physically unavoidable for some people, and that it psychologically gets its hooks into others to the point they eventually can't get out/turn back (ex: 4.19). Jack, Jesse, and Kevin (and Sam and Dean themselves eventually) are examples of people Sam and Dean see as stuck in the life practically, because demons and angels are after them for reasons out of all of their control. However, Sam and Dean were both psychologically stuck in hunting first. For Dean, the house fire and how he was raised leave him feeling stuck in the hunting world. Sam doesn't remember the fire, but follows on John's heels when Jess dies in the same manner that Mary did. The trauma of losing Jess creates a commonality and drive that wasn't present before, causing Sam to say that he and his father aren't different anymore—in fact, they have more in common than just about anyone (1.20). On many occasions, Sam also talks about hunting as an inevitability/something he can't "come back" from at this point even if he wanted to (ex: 2.10, 4.19, 4.21). Closely interrelated, at various points, Sam also says that hunting has become a life he loves and/or prefers to normality (ex: 2.02, 2.20, 4.08, 4.17, 5.12a, 5.12b, 5.12c, 10.18).

Dean's language in 1.01 "Sooner or later, you're going to have to face up to who you really are" suggests part of Dean sees Sam as a hunter at the core from the beginning who is hiding from who he really is deep down. I think there is some truth to this (see my #sam the hunter tag). In that scene in 1.01, Dean generally expresses skepticism that Sam is really capable of leading the life he's trying to live long term. I think Dean also has reason to think that way, given that Sam outright admits he plans to lie to Jess forever... which kind of means Sam stays in the hunter mindset (where you lie to normal people every day to keep up appearances) and never really gets to be himself either way. Dean doesn't think this is practical or healthy and says so (and he's not wrong). All this to say—I think in 1.01, Dean has difficulty understanding that Sam has not (quite yet) fallen into the hunting world. Dean and John are kind of bonded by the shared trauma of losing Mary, but Sam doesn't share that trauma (as Sam himself points out on the bridge, saying he doesn't even remember Mary). Of course, that changes by the end of the episode. 8.01, Dean is just "?!?!?!?!?" because Sam has told Dean point blank on multiple occasions at that point that he prefers hunting to being normal (2.20, 4.08, 5.12) and has been overall rather into hunting, and has voiced the same thinking as Dean in regards to not being able to get out psychologically even if he wanted to (4.19, 5.12). There's a reason that when Sam says he doesn't hunt anymore in 8.01, Dean thinks he's joking at first. (I talk about why Sam left hunting between seasons 7 and 8 here). The thing is is that (unless driven by a burning desire for revenge as in the season 3-4 gap and the season 9-10 gap) Sam will not hunt without Dean. Not because Dean "makes" him hunt, but because Sam doesn't have the heart for the work without Dean by his side. (See the "I can't do it without my brother" 10.18 speech).

SAM: You know, when Dean came to get me at school, I-I told myself… one last job, you know? One more job. And then when – when I, um…. When I lost Jess, I, again, told myself one more job. There’s always one more job, you know? And one more job, and one more job, and then I was gonna go back to law and – and to my life. CHARLIE: You were the Dread Pirate Roberts of hunting. SAM: Yeah. I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t….

Interrelated to the concept of hunting as inescapable and as something Sam voices his enjoyment of multiple times—in 1.01, Dean also (though part bravado) still romanticizes hunting to an extent (though not for much longer—we see this by the time he meets Jo). This definitely factors into how Dean approaches the subject in 1.01, though I don't think it factors into later moments.

Second, Dean is the heart character, and as the heart character, he feels a responsibility to protect people. When he tells Sam in the pilot "You have a responsibility", I think what Dean means is "saving people, hunting things, the family business". It isn't revenge that they have a responsibility toward (Dean will be the one to say he hopes they never find the demon if it means Sam or John killing themselves to end it (1.22) but that from Dean's perspective, Dean's knowledge of what's out there and his proficiency at the job gives him a moral obligation to try and save people in harms way. On the other hand, I don't think Sam feels this way—at least not nearly so strongly. Sam's approach to hunting has always been more family focused imo. Both brothers hunt as a means of coping to an extent, but more largely, Dean hunts because he feels deeply for others and wants—and even feels a duty to—protect people. Sam hunts because hunting makes him feel close to his family and makes him feel known, and because it is where he feels he can be himself (ex: 4.17). More succinctly—for Dean, the order goes, "Saving people, hunting things, the family business" and for Sam, the order goes, "The family business, saving people, hunting things" I think. This difference in motivations occasionally creates interesting tension on the hunt, but it is also creates confusion when Sam has left hunting pre-series, and again in season 8.

SAM: Look, it wasn't like I was... just oblivious. I mean, I read the paper every day. I saw the weird stories… the kind of stuff we used to chase. DEAN: And you said what? "Not my problem"? SAM: Yes. And you know what? The world went on.

8.01 "We Need To Talk About Kevin"

Dean doesn't understand this. He can't wrap his head around it because Dean doesn't think this way, and I'm not sure Dean ever gets exactly why Sam is driven to hunt. He doesn't really get the strength of the family connection for Sam... and Dean has reason not to, because from the outside looking in, Sam cutting Dean out of his life every time he decides he doesn't want to hunt anymore sounds like he doesn't actually care about Dean that much deep down... or at all. So how on earth could Sam's interest in and love for hunting be connected to caring about his brother DEAN???

That brings me to the third reason for some of this occasional hurt from Dean, which is that you're right about Sam (and then Dean in turn) associating normal life with cutting Dean off, because that's what Sam does. Any time Sam goes after a normal life, there seems to be no room for contact with Dean in it. When Sam goes to school, even though his fight was with John, it's implied that he wouldn't take Dean's calls which is why Dean showed up in person (1.01).

NOTE: This period is a little tricky, because the script was supposed to say they hadn't spoken since Sam left at 18, but what accidentally made it into the show is that they may have been in contact for the first two years. The two years wouldn't make things much better though, because with Dean's dialogue "You know, in almost two years I've never bothered you, never asked you for a thing." It still seems like Sam is the one who cut ties.

In 1.16 "Shadow", when Dean brings up wanting to stay together and "be a family again" even after the business with the demon is concluded, Sam makes it clear he's returning to school—which is perfectly fine. However, buried within this conversation is the implication that Dean doesn't want to lose contact with Sam again, and Sam doesn't give any assurances about calling or staying in contact because... he plans to cut Dean off again, even while telling Dean he loves him.

"Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before. [...] I don’t want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way."

Dean looks at this and goes "?????" because how can Sam talk about how much he cares for Dean and then in the same breath, essentially say he doesn't want to see him anymore after this? That makes no sense... right? And the self-hating part of Dean who believes Meg's manipulative framing in 1.16 about him dragging Sam everywhere even though Sam has repeatedly been the race horse raring for revenge and getting angry when Dean can't pull leads on John or the demon out of his ass thinks maybe he IS somehow responsible for every horrible thing that has happened to Sam and how Sam's life is now. And Dean's insecurities are reinforced too because Sam has thrown it in his face that it's his fault in moments where he was angry and felt a loss of control. So Dean doesn't understand how hunting is actually positively connected to family and him for Sam, and Sam doesn't understand how Dean doesn't understand and doesn't know how to reassure him (5.16), and that's how we get Dean unloading his insecurities about Sam not loving him in 4.22 (to Bobby) and 5.16 (to Sam). In both discussions, Dean's lack of belief in Sam's care for him is closely connected to Sam's desire for normality and how Dean felt tossed away like garbage and like his efforts were never enough. I talk about the dialogue in 4.22 more in depth here (added context of Sam calling Dean weak for his trauma and strangling Dean near unconscious matters lmao). In 5.16, Zachariah (imo) repeatedly pushes the brothers toward Sam's memories of normality and being away from Dean as part of his psychological ploy, and it works even though Sam's strongly stated lack of interest in normality is (arguably) at its zenith (4.08, 4.19, 5.12) because the brothers relationship is so weak from season 4. If we didn't already get it, we as viewers realize Sam loves his brother very much and has many happy memories with him despite appearances in 5.22 when happy memories with Dean are what pulls Sam from Lucifer's control.

Another important episode here in regards to Dean’s perceptions of Sam's feelings versus how Sam actually sees Dean is 2.20 "What Is And What Should Never Be". There's a variety of things to be said about how in Dean's dream, he envisions himself as someone his family would look down upon even in a paradise scenario. However, one of the bits we get from the whole dream is that Dean believes that in normal life scenario, Sam wouldn't want to be around him. Dean envisions himself as kind of a terrible person (and as usual, he is being really ugly about himself in a way that isn't at all warranted), but undoubtably, there's also a classist stench to the scenario—Dean the blue collar worker, Sam the hot shot lawyer who looks down his nose at Dean. I don't doubt that deep down, Dean kind of believes the real Sam sees himself as upwardly mobile and Dean as beneath him. One of the ways Dean potentially forms that conclusion is how Sam treats him over money early in the series. That said, the REAL Sam is surprised by their lack of connection in Dean's "paradise". When Dean suggests that without hunting, they never would have connected, Sam makes it clear that he's glad they have.

But yeah! Those scenes in 4.22 and 5.16 aren't even about Sam wanting to be normal—they're about how Dean feels discarded every time Sam goes after normal (and it happens again in 8.01).

Lastly, Dean's also dealing with jealousy in a couple of these moments. Before we ever met him, Dean had his own wistful desires for normal (9.07, 1.06, 1.13). Safety and a home and normality were things he felt he couldn't ever really have (this also comes post-breakup with Cassie). Even in 8.10, when Dean tells Sam to get back with Amelia if he can, he adds,

And, you know, maybe I'm a little bit jealous. I could never separate myself from the job like you could.

I think this line leads directly back to Dean as the heart character who has extreme difficulty with the concept of burying his head in the sand—something Sam was able to do easily (like... too easily RE: Kevin). I think Dean kind of judges Sam for doing that, but at the same time, Dean also knows he has an overactive sense of responsibility—he just can't shake it despite knowing that (2.20, 5.11, 7.04). So he envies that Sam can even if he thinks Sam leans too far the other direction sometimes.

I also don't think this bit from Shifter!Dean in 1.06 was too off:

You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home. With Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you? [...] See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me.

I think coupled with that jealousy in 1.01, we also see Dean's resentment, because he sacrificed everything for their family. He sacrificed his childhood to take care of his father who was a mess, and play mother and father to his brother, and he had a gun in his hand meant to kill before he was even 10, and Dean resents all of this. Dean was made to be the responsible one when he was just a child out of necessity, and John (someone Dean repeatedly calls a deadbeat in season 5) took advantage and then discarded him (a part of Dean does know he deserves better), and Sam cut Dean out of his life the moment he was no longer of use. It isn't just that Sam doesn't feel the weight of the burdens Dean was made to shoulder—Sam doesn't even seem to realize they exist, and Dean is resentful. He wants someone in his family besides him to shoulder some of the family responsibilities Dean has spent so long carrying alone. His feelings are misdirected toward Sam in 1.01 in that regard, but they're also very human.

Even so, Dean's love supersedes jealousy and resentment. We see this clearly in 1.18 "Something Wicked", which is all about Dean's childhood being stolen and him being burdened with responsibilities that were too big and blamed for people dying when he was just a child and it wasn't his fault, but at the end of the episode, Dean doesn't wish innocence for himself—he wishes it for Sam. Even though the episode is all about Dean's memory of his own trauma. And in 2.20, in his "paradise" dream, Sam gets to be normal, and he and Sam don't even get along, and Dean doesn't care—he's just over the moon that his brother gets to live a normal life.

[crackers4jenn]

Fic Masterlist - Supernatural (Dean/Cas)

CANON-ADJACENT

TITLE: down the road (WIP)

SUMMARY: Set immediately after the s7 finale, when Dean and Cas get sucked into Purgatory. They stick together to fight their way back out, running into some old friends along the way... and some old enemies. (Or, Brokeback Purgatory 1.0. Dean and Cas work through their issues in monsterland.)

TITLE: every inch of my life

SUMMARY: Post-season 15, in a version where Dean doesn't die and Cas is back from the Empty. Gabriel shows up with some mischief in mind, hurtling them through classic porn tropes.

TITLE: one more time (WIP)

SUMMARY: Set during the s15 divorce arc. What if Cas got captured by a djinn. What if he experienced his moment of ‘true happiness’ while caught in its dream, and it summoned the Empty. What if Dean saved Cas from the djinn, only to have a portal of black goo open up in front of them?

TITLE: lapse and fall again

SUMMARY: A post-finale fix-it fic where Dean doesn't die. Instead, he pulls Cas out of the Empty. Eventually, after the reunion, there's romance and a road trip, but not specifically in that order.

TITLE: like a tidal wave I'll make a mess

SUMMARY: 5 Times Dean and Cas Get Mistaken for a Couple (and 1 Time They Actually Are)

TITLE: and I will pull my whole heart up to the surface

SUMMARY: 15x20 fix-it fic. Heaven feels perfect, until suddenly it doesn't.

TITLE: here's a map, here's a shovel, here's my achilles heel

SUMMARY: Post-15x19. Turns out, Dean doesn't have to ask to get Cas back.

TITLE: sink

SUMMARY: "Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

TITLE: dry and blown like dust

SUMMARY: They worry first about angel doings and once-dormant plagues and monster illnesses from cursed objects around the bunker, but Sam WebMD's Cas' symptoms and diagnoses him with: the flu. Set in s9.

TITLE: Mr & Mr Winchester

SUMMARY: "No pet names, I popped the damn question, and you're the girl." (Or, Dean and Castiel: fake-married. Set in a hypothetical s9.)

TITLE: lights down low

SUMMARY: When Dean comes to, it's with a fuzzy, head-pounding disorientation. He's on his back, on the ground, that much he immediately knows, where there's an overgrown lawn cushioning what must've been one hell of a landing. (Or, my excuse to do a canon-compliant Dean/Cas rom-com.)

TITLE: the morning when it's clear

SUMMARY: Post-8.02 Purgatory fic. When it all goes to shit, and obviously it does, it feels like the world is splintering open. That's probably because it is.

✨

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

TITLE: 99 problems (and a stitch ain't one) (WIP)

SUMMARY: Dean gets a job at a craft store to woo and date ladies, but his plans backfire because his boss is the v. annoying but v. dreamy Castiel, who might be the actual temptation.

TITLE: Wedding Guy

SUMMARY: Cas slips Dean his number at a wedding, and a friendship/relationship takes off from there.

TITLE: on higher grounds

SUMMARY: (based off a tumblr post) charity collector cas who has a spot outside dean’s favourite book store in town and who always looks so cold despite the huge scarf he wears so dean takes to bringing him hot chocolate every day and cas gets this little smile every time he sees dean coming down the street

TITLE: a way not steep

SUMMARY: Dean's twenty-six and his roommate's a guy who cries during E.T.

TITLE: like only a best friend could

SUMMARY: They're both 18 now and Cas is going off to college and Dean's. Well, Dean's probably headed for a fun future of 'would you like fries with that?' and sometimes it scares him so much he thinks about running away too. Like their dads.

✨

CROSSOVER/FUSION

TITLE: Filming Jesus

FANDOMS: Community, Supernatural

SUMMARY: God is not here, Dean. (Or, Jeff and Annie meet Dean and Castiel. Set during Community s3 and SPN s5.)

TITLE: 11 characters that never were the slayer

FANDOMS: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, The Office, Community, Glee, Parks & Rec, Gilmore Girls, etc etc.

[ilovejohnwinchester]

Nothing for me exemplifies the tension between John’s parenting being objectively terrible and John’s parenting legitimately preparing Dean and Sam for what’s out there than “What is and What Never Should Be.”

Dean’s in his dream world. It’s not perfect (read: he’s not close with Sam) but he’s decided he can work with that, fix things and have everything he’s ever wanted. He’s set on staying. He’s beyond thrilled. Then he sees the plane crash that he should have prevented in the news and looks up every other case where someone died because he wasn’t hunting.

Then we get the heartbreaking monologue at the cemetery (transcript from SuperWiki):

“I know that you’d say. … Your happiness for all those people’s lives, no contest.” John’s terrible parenting, boiled down to one line, right there. No parent should be telling their kid, over and over, that their happiness doesn’t matter.

But it’s Dean’s adherence to what John taught him that leads him to hunt the djinn. Him hunting the djinn is what lets him wake up as Sam reaches him in the real world, and therefore then to save Sam’s life when he’s being overpowered by the djinn. It’s Dean’s connection to John and the lessons John instilled in him that ultimately save him and Sam and the other victim of the djinn. And I just think that’s fucked up in the best kind of way.

[hawkeyetrained]

Hold on Kid

Dean Winchester x sister!reader

Warnings: angst, death, slight blood mention, heartbreak, let me know if I missed anything

Summary: I suck at these and if I tried, I’d probably wreck it. Hunt gone wrong is the best description I got.

Word Count: 3,999

AN: This is my first post here so be gentle. Enjoy

Life as a hunter was complicated. Naturally, you make enemies with the monsters who knew those you killed. Some wanted revenge, others hated that their kind was killed. Then, there was being a hunter and a Winchester at the same time. Not only do you make normal enemies like all the other hunters, but you make enemies simply because of your last name.

I was the baby of the Winchester family, being nearly six years younger than Sam and almost a decade younger than Dean. After the fire at their home, John took his boys on a journey across the country to hunt down the monster that killed his wife and left him and his boys without a home. He met my mom five years later and after nine months, I joined the family, only for my mother to vanish one night. John had taken me on the road with them after she disappeared, often leaving me with Bobby while he took my older brothers to hunt the simpler cases.

Despite the age difference and the fact that we were “half” siblings, my brothers were the best people in the entire world. Sam and Dean treated me no differently than how they treated each other. I was let in on jokes and taken to diners and bars with them once I was old enough to drive, often driving a drunk Dean and a tipsy Sam back to our motel for the night.

They taught me to hunt the right way. Started me off on simple cases with plenty of back up, making sure I did all the research necessary and never went anywhere alone until they were sure I was capable of taking care of nearly every monster in the book. I was comfortable fighting off nearly any monster, all but djinns.

Those creatures scared the hell out of me. I knew that Sam and Dean had faced enough of them in the past, but I was still fairly new around them and the cases involving them. The fact that they strung up their victims and essentially trapped them in their own minds was horrifying to me, and I’ve taken heads clean off vamp’s bodies.

So, when a case came up that practically screamed djinn, the boys double checked with me every hour, asking if I was ok and still good to attack once the sun went down.

“Guys, I’ll be fine. They just creep me out.” I tried calming my worried brothers. “I can manage it.”

“We never doubted you on handling it.” Sam defended gently, cleaning his gun at the table of our motel room. “We just want to make sure you’re comfortable. We don’t want anything happening to you.”

“I mean, come on kid, we just want you to be safe. I know how much these things freak you out.” Dean added to the conversation from his laid-back spot on his bed.

I sent both brothers a soft glare. “And I appreciate that. But I’ll be fine.”

_____

Flash forward to a few hours later, I was sprawled out on the top floor of the large, abandoned barn, metal rebar sticking out of my stomach and my brothers firing shots down on the floor below me. We had been wrong on our intel, it was more than just one djinn, a whole family of six popping out of the shadows when we burst in. One of the younger women had caught me by surprise, nearly stringing me up but ended with a magazine of rounds to the head.

“Dean.” I tried calling out for my oldest brother, attempting to drag myself closer to the stairs so he’d be able to hear me over the fight. “Sammy.”

Neither of my brothers were answering, my head leaning back to rest against the floor as I took in a few deep breaths. My hands shook as I placed them around the metal, making sure to not move it but add enough pressure to the surrounding skin to help stop the flow of blood. I had been taught that keeping the object in could potentially save your life, especially if it were holding an artery closed.

With neither of my big brothers answering my desperate pleas for help, I resulted in closing my eyes and praying to the angel who kept tabs on us. “Castiel.” I spoke his full name. “Dean and Sammy can’t hear me. I need help. I think I’m dying Cas.” Tears gathered in my eyes as I spoke to the angel who had become a best friend over the years. “Please, I’m so scared Cas.” No answer came from the angel, but he was busy with heavenly issues that us hunters would never know of.

After a few more strangled calls to my brothers, heavy boots finally began climbing the stairs. “Hey kid, did you manage to take them…” Dean’s voice cut off abruptly when my eyes met his. “Kid. Sammy!” Dean practically growled down the stairs, rushing the last few steps and coming to a stop beside me. “Hey, kid, you ok? What happened?”

“She didn’t like my jokes.” I tried lightening the mood as Dean pushed my hands away to take in the damage. “Everyone likes my jokes.” Dean set his blade down on the floor beside me, yanking both his jacket and his flannel off, quickly balling the shirt material and pressing it down around the metal.

A pained scream ripped through my throat at the pressure, white hot pain exploding in my stomach. “I know, kid, but we gotta keep the pressure. You’re doing great.” He turned over his shoulder. “Sammy!” His green eyes met mine then, the fear and anger flooding the bright colors that always brought me comfort. “You keep those eyes on me kid, you hear me? Keep lookin’ at me.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off him even if I wanted to. Sure, Sam and Dean were my brothers, but they practically raised me when John was out hunting. Sam was the overprotective big brother in every sense of the term. He walked me to and from classes, dropped me off for any projects that needed to be done and practically ran background checks on all of my friends at school.

Dean, he was protective but in a whole other way. While Sam took on that big brother role, Dean was basically the father I wanted. He made sure I got to do kid stuff, pulled me from school to play hooky, sat with me after bad dreams, played with me as a kid, and sat with me for my first heart break. He was the one that taught me to drive, to hunt, and to live however I wanted. I could get away with absolutely anything with Dean since all he ever wanted for me was to grow up happy and loved.

So, staring up into Dean’s eyes as blood soaked into my shirt and coated his hands, I knew I was going to be safe, no matter the outcome of this injury. Dean would take care of me until the day I stopped breathing, he had just hoped that it would be a long time after he had gone.

“Hold on kid, Sam’s coming. He’s got what we need. You just hold on.” His eyes were fogged over with tears, and he aggressively rubbed them into his shoulders to clear his vision. “Kid, talk to me. I gotta hear you talk.”

“I love you.” I managed to get out, though I wasn’t sure he heard much of it. My hands had stopped shaking and a coldness was seeping into my skin as I watched Dean’s eyes widen ever so slightly.

“No, kid you gotta say something else. OK? That can’t be all you got for me.” His left hand moved from the wound and gently brushed some hair back out of my face. “You gotta tell me this joke that the bitch on the floor didn’t laugh at. I’m sure it was your best.”

The world was becoming foggy the longer I stared into the green eyes that always brought me comfort. They mixed into the slight green tint the ceiling had from years of neglect and abuse from the weather. Dean, my big brother, who was always there for me when I needed, who would drive all day and all night just to get to me after a fight with John or Bobby about hunting. The brother who literally went through hell to save Sammy and negotiated with a witch for my life. The father I always needed and wanted in my life.

The pain in my stomach had gone numb and my hands had pretty much stopped moving all together as I watched Dean scream for Sam yet again. “Come on kid, just a little longer. You hold on a little longer kid, I got you. Dean’s got you kid.” That nickname was something he only ever used for me. It was his term of endearment to the little girl he raised. “Talk to me, please.” The last word was a heart shattering plead that helped focus my eyes for one final moment.

“I love you dad.” The line slipped from my lips half a second before my eyes got too heavy to keep open any longer and the world faded into back.

_____

Dean’s sure he never cried so hard in his life. He had lost so many people throughout his life that he was pretty used to hearing news of someones passing. But watching the color leave his baby sister’s skin, watch the light drain from her eyes, and listen to those Earth-shattering words fall from her lips as she bled out into his hands sealed it for him. He had just lost his world, his little sister that he had raised practically since she was born; he just lost his little girl.

Sam came clomping up the stairs as quick as his long legs could carry him, just not quick enough. He swore his heart stopped in his chest when he found his older brother crouched over his younger sister, blood coating the floors, and sobs racking Dean’s chest. Sam’s chest felt like someone sent a fist straight through his ribs, ripping his lungs out in the process. His knees hit the floor a few feet from where Dean was crouched over, eyes locked on his older brother’s back.

Dead’s head came to rest against his sisters, near silent pleas to wake up falling from his lips as tears dripped from his eyes. Prayers to Castiel or any angel listening following. The oldest Winchester had told himself that he would never beg for anything, never allow someone to have that kind of control over himself, but here he was, begging to the body of his little girl and to any angel listening to let her wake up, to let her live and take him instead.

The soft, unmistakable sound of fluttering wings caught both Winchester boy’s attention enough for them to turn. There stood Castiel, with his big brother Gabriel at his side, watching the young girl on the ground continue to bleed, though much slower now, through the shirt of her oldest brother.

“Cas.” Dean had locked eyes on his favorite angel. “Please, there’s gotta be something you can do.” Castiel swears he’s never heard Dean Winchester sound this broken before, never heard him plead this softly. “I can’t lose her. I can’t lose my kid.” Another wave of tears fought its way up through Dean’s chest, nearly choking him on the sobs coming from his body.

Gabriel was at a loss for words. Never had he been around the Winchester boys and not get a snappy comment or crude joke thrown his way, but here he was, looking down at two very broken Winchesters. Gabriel could sense the pain and worry coming from his brother, knowing that the younger angel couldn’t do anything for the Winchester girl. Cas had only barely begun to learn how to pull someone back when they were in the veil and looking down on themselves, not quite taken by the reapers yet. So, with the flutter of his wings, Gabriel went off to do the one thing he knew could help the two brothers.

_____

The pain in my chest was unbearable as I watched Dean cry, his hands not leaving my wound, his voice faintly pleading for me to come back to him.

“I tried to stay with you Dean. I’m so sorry I couldn’t.” My voice was barely even a whisper as I tried to hold in my tears. Sam was knelt down a few feet back from Dean, tears staining his cheeks and making his hair stick to his face. “I’m so sorry Sammy.”

Everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. Sounds muddled together and lights seemed to blur the picture before me, but that all too familiar sound of flapping wings would grab my attention any day. I turned away from my sobbing brothers to face the Archangel Gabriel himself.

“Gabe?” A crack snuck its way into my words. “Is that really you?”

“Hey there sweetness.” He winked, arms crossing over his chest. “I thought I told you to stay breathing last I left.”

I nodded, instantly running over to him. His arms opened enough for me to slot myself against his chest, tears leaking onto his shirt. His hands came to rest on me, one against my back and one in my hair, pulling me closer to his body. “What happens now?” I questioned the angel as I held tighter to his waist.

“Well, we can hang here and wait for the reaper to come take you up to heaven, or…” I cut him off before he could continue.

“Or you can take me?” I questioned; my eyes now turned to get what I thought would be the last glimpses of my brothers.

Gabriel pulled back, hands on my shoulders to get me to look at him. “Haven’t I told you to let me finish before you jump to conclusions?” I nodded against his chest and waited for him to continue. “Or I could take you back to your brothers. Let you live a little longer.”

Everything in me froze, not believing what he said to be true. “You can do that? Bring me back?” His honey-colored eyes were already looking down at me when I turned to face him. “I can go back to them?”

He simply nodded to me. “As long as you promise to keep breathing for me.” I was nodding almost instantly to his request.

“Please. Please take me back.”

_____

The whole building grew silent after Gabriel had been gone for well over an hour. Sam sat staring at the back of his brother, waiting for Dean to do something. Dean had gone still moments after the archangel vanished, hoping with all his will that a miracle would happen.

The oldest Winchester had resorted to cleaning up his little sister as best he could, pulling the metal from her body and throwing it far, far away. The bloodied shirt had been tossed out of the way as well, her shirt and jacket now covering the fatal wound on her stomach in a way to make it seem like she was just sleeping. Dean’s fingers trailed softly over her head, pushing hair from her face, and trying to memorize everything he could about the young girl before they gave her a proper hunters funeral.

Castiel had yet to move since his older brother vanished, staying still as if he were carved from stone as he watched over the two Winchester men. He listened to every sound coming near the building for a ten-mile radius, making sure nothing tried sneaking up on the two while their world crumbled around them. He had wished he heard your prayer earlier, gotten back down to Earth faster, maybe then you would still be alive and sitting with your brothers, rather than coated in blood and ghostly pale.

The flap of wings pulled Castiel and Sam from their states of grief, watching a small smile flicker across the archangel’s face. Sam had half a mind to scream at the angel before movement caught his eye.

The blood soaking the floor around the body of the youngest Winchester slowly started to vanish, seemingly seeping back into the wound on her stomach. Then color began to return to her skin, slowly transforming it from a deathly grey back to her natural pigments.

It took a moment longer for Dean to notice the changes, having been so absorbed in caring for the body of his little girl. Once his eyes noticed the changes, his hands backed up from her, almost like she caught on fire. Both Winchester brothers scrambled to their feet, backing away from the girl who was laying so still seconds before.

With one last beat of silence, the wound on her stomach closed fully and her chest heaved with a huge breath of air.

_____

The world came back dramatically. All of a sudden, I could hear the soft drops of water from the ceiling again, feel the coldness of the hard floor below me and smell the horrible damp concrete of the walls to my right. Then my eyes fluttered open, and I could see the ugly ceiling that was decaying from years of abandonment again.

My brain raced as I tried to remember what happened. The hunt, a djinn, the metal rebar, Gabriel pulled me back. I died and Gabriel brought me back. Sam and Dean, they watched me bleed out on the floor of a hunt, watched me die on a hunt they knew I was already nervous for. Dean, he had been with me, he held my hand as the pain vanished and the world fell into silence. He had been with me as I died.

My lungs pulled in one of the deepest breaths I’ve ever taken, causing me to turn and cough loudly as I took the chance to breath more air in. My brain raced as it figured out how to work again, after moments of rest and complete silence it was working to catch back up on what was going on, and the only thing it seemed to think of was…

“Dad.” The word fell from my mouth before I could even process what was going on. Then suddenly I was being hauled up to my knees and crushed into the tightest hug ever given. Everything about the person was familiar, the way the arms wrapped themselves protectively around my shoulders, hand placed to the back of my head. The soft fabric of the green jacket wrapped around shoulders, and the scent of the hunt along with something so specifically Dean. I was wrapped in the arms of my oldest brother, wrapped up and secured in his embrace, protected from anything the world could throw at us.

His chest heaved with sobs, mumbles of my name and ‘kid’ falling from his lips. “I got you; I got you kid. I’m here. You’re ok.” The words fell from his lips in a jumbled mess, falling together in a mess of letters.

“Dean.” My words came out quietly as I hugged him back with everything I had in me. I clutched onto him as my own tears fell, coating my cheeks and making stains on his shirt as I pressed my face to his chest.  Feet scrambled on the floor beside us and before I knew it, Sam was crushing me and Dean in the tightest hug he could manage. “Sammy.” I adjusted one arm to be able to hold onto both my brothers, all three of us a crying mess.

It took the three of us nearly a half hour to calm down enough to stand and face the angels. Sam had stepped a few inches away, wiping his cheeks with the backs of his hands as he turned to speak to Gabriel. “I don’t even know what to say.” His words were barely strung together as he glanced back at me.

While Sam had stepped a few inches back, Dean had yet to let me go. His arm had yet to fall from my shoulders and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t let me go for the next few hours, though I wasn’t going to complain. I had turned into Dean’s side, keeping my arms around his waist and my head leaned into his shoulder, tears still damp on my cheeks.

“Thank you, Gabriel.” I looked at the angel who pulled me back. “I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am.” Dean’s arm tightened around my shoulders, pulling me just a bit closer to his side.

“She’s right.” Dean’s voice was deeper than usual after all the crying over the last hours. “Thank you.” Sam agreed with his brother, going over to hug Gabriel tightly.

Cas stepped a bit closer, his hand coming to rest on my cheek. “I’m glad you’re alright. The area around is clear, you’ll be safe heading back to the bunker. We will keep watch over your drive.” And suddenly, the two angels were gone with a soft flap of wings.

“Sammy, can you get the car started and give us a sec?” Dean asked his little brother, holding tighter to me if possible. Sam gave a soft nod, pressed a kiss to my head and went down to wait in the car.

Once he was gone, Dean turned sharply to me. “I’m so glad you’re ok, kid. You can’t ever do that to me again.”

Dean’s hands rested gently on my cheeks, thumbs wiping away the drying tears from my skin. “I never wanted to leave you. I tried so hard to stay with you Dean. I really did.” New tears dripped from my eyes as I looked up at my oldest brother.

“I know you did, kid. I know.” I was pulled back into his chest, his hands rubbing into my back as I cried into his shirt again. “I got you now. I’ll never let that happen again, ok? I won’t ever let anyone put their hands on my little girl again.” My fingers twisted into the back of his shirt as he soothed me, helping me calm down and relax again. “So, can I ask about the dad comment?”

A soft laugh blew through my nose. “Yeah, you can.” I pulled back to look up into the green eyes that always brought me comfort. “John was never really there for me. You know?” He nodded softly at me. “I mean, you took me to my first day of school, you taught me to drive, you were the one who was always there for me.” My voice trailed off towards the end as I watched his face slowly stiffen into an emotion I couldn’t read. “Sorry, I’ve just always seen you that way, I guess it just slipped out today.”

“Kid, I’m not mad, or anything like that.” He gently brushed a few fingers through my hair. “I’ve always seen you as my little girl. I know I was there more than dad was. I know he barely had anything to do with you. There’s nothing I want more than to be your dad, even if you just call me Dean, that doesn’t matter.” He took a deep breath. “I want to be the one you call when you need help or come to when you’re scared. I know you’re not exactly a kid anymore, but just know that I’ll always be there for you. You’re my kid.”

I didn’t even answer, just lunging forward and wrapping him back in a tight hug. “I love you, dad.”

His hands held my head to his chest tightly, a kiss being pressed down into my hair as we held onto each other. “I love you too, kid. Don’t you ever forget that.”

@thetallassgirl

[ao3wincest]

every man you've ever been

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Vxto0RI by according2thelore Dean blinks up at Sam with big green eyes and curls his hand into a fist, nails biting into the tough skin of his palm. It’s a nervous habit that Sam hasn’t seen in…years. His face, outside of the furrow in his brow, is unlined. Panic makes Sam's voice unleveled as he asks, “Dean���what year is it?” Dean shakes his head. “It’s 2006.” Sam stares at his brother. His brother is twenty-six years old. Or: A magical object in the bunker swaps a 26 y/o Dean and a 40 y/o Dean. A confused Sam—who has been in a relationship with his Dean for a few years—tries to pick up the pieces, and send this younger Dean back to his own time. Things are complicated further when 26y/o!Dean thinks the reason things are too good to be true is because he’s in a djinn dream, and he’s torn between staying and going back at all costs. Words: 23095, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Minor Characters Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester Additional Tags: Age Difference, Younger Dean Winchester/Older Sam Winchester, Time Travel, Season 2!Dean Winchester/Season 15!Sam Winchester, Possessive Sam Winchester, Misunderstandings, Djinnverse (Supernatural), (not really) - Freeform, Possessive Dean Winchester, Mutual Pining, Anal Sex, Top Dean Winchester/Bottom Sam Winchester, Awkward Flirting, Established Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, First Time, both are true read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Vxto0RI

[chiisana-sukima]

what are your favorite dean episodes (doesnt matter if its objectively a dean-centered episode or if you just liked him in it specially)

Hi hi! Thanks so much for the ask!

So, I'm an early seasons Dean girlie (and late seasons Sam girlie) all the way. I love Dean especially when he's prickly and vulnerable, when the threat is way too big for him but he steps up anyway because someone's gotta do it and he's there.

I'm old fashioned and my favorite reading of spn is the one where Sam and Dean (and Cas) are troubled but heroic. Where their job is necessary if awful and they really are Saving People by Hunting Things TM. Everything everyone (including me) says in critique of this reading--especially that it's horrifyingly racist--is true, and I enjoy that kind of critique and think it's important. But as a fantasy version of emergency services--which I worked in on and off first as an EMT and then as a nurse for most of my career--spn resonates for me and makes me nostalgic in a way that none of the more realistic serial dramas about firefighters or cops or whatever ever have. There's an emotional rawness to how Dean especially approaches his job in the early seasons that I just adore. Sam is my hero because of his big world-saving sacrifices and his boundless kindness and willingness to forgive, but Dean is my hero because he gets out there every day and does the work and makes the best of it.

So unsurprisingly given all that, my favorite Dean episode is What Is and What Should Never Be. I love how thrilled Dean is to quit, how happy he is to mow the lawn, and how even his and Sam's distance and himself being an alcoholic loser (dating a nurse lol) is an acceptable price for a different universe where he and Sam aren't burdened with the fate of saving people and all the sacrifices it entails.

And then, I love how even though it breaks his heart, the real him is who he is and in the end he'll always pick that--always make those sacrifices and have that courage, and even the pretend Sam in his head will be there for him to be his real self and follow him into the dark. And that it's exactly that strength of character and the subconscious understanding that actually Sam is there for him that saves him. Also the whump of him being bled out in the djinn's lair is delicious.

Of course almost everyone loves WIAWSNB because its objectively just an excellent episode, but in a trashier, more problematic version of this, my second pick is Sam, Interrupted.

I love that in the 'real' spn world when Dean ends up in 'real' therapy with Mia Vallens, the shifter therapist, he hates it and is as obstructive to the therapeutic process as it's possible to be, but for the pretend psychiatrist in his head in Sam, Interrupted, he's actually very emotionally intelligent, and understands and humorously diagnoses his own problems; he just can't fix them. This seems completely realistic and hashtag relatable to me and true to his character. I just adore how when she asks him how many people he has to save before he's okay, he says "all of them". It's so funny and delivered with such a light touch as an answer to the impossible existential question of what to do about other people's suffering. It feels so hopeless, and yet Dean's real true answer--despite understanding and accepting how insanely impossible it is--is still to get out there every day and keep trying. Incredible strength, humbleness, self-reflection, humor, and courage.

Other favorite episodes that have scenes with that same feel: Dean's confrontation with Lucifer in The End, the scene in In the Beginning where Azazel has him pinned to the wall, and pretty much all of On the Head of a Pin.

I could go on and on about this topic forever, and I wanted to touch on how despite all the pain, Dean genuinely enjoys life in general and hunting specifically--which is very special and nostalgic to me and something I try to emulate as best I can-- but long post is already a wall of text, so I'll stop lol. Anyway, ty for the ask; it was delightful to answer.

[bangchansrailway]

Hello, I saw in a comment section you were offering to make a rec list of queer adult fantasy. Any chance you happen to have that list handy? If not no worries, and thank you for your time

YOU GOT IT

Contemporary Adult Queer Fantasy

Kalyna the Soothsayer by Elijah Kinch Spector Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Geisbrecht (we do not talk about this book enough it's so good!! Read if you love Hannibal or Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell) Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon The Unbroken by CL Clark (ft. Sexy butch protagonist) The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri Master of Djinn by P Djeli Clark (+ his Djinn in Cairo novella series) Black Leopard, Red Wolf by Marlon James Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh (read if you love Hozier) The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab Dead Collections by Isaac Fellman (ft. Trans vampire protagonist) The City of Dusk by Tara Sim Burning Roses by S.L. Huang The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern Wild and Wicked Things by Francesca May Her Body & Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado Wrath Goddess Sing by Maya Deane (ft trans Achilles!) The Bruising of Qilwa by Naseem Jamnia (ft. Aroace protagonist) Spear by Nicola Griffith (Authuriana) Witchmark by C.L. Polk, or anything by C.L. Polk The Ruthless Lady's Guide to Wizardry by C.M. Waggoner Fireheart Tiger by Aliette de Bodard (or anything by Aliette de Bodard) Sarahland by Sam Cohen House in the Cerulean Sea and Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune Lady Hotspur by Tessa Gratton Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey Unconquerable Sun by Kate Elliot (Alexander the Great retelling) The Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart Hollow Empire by Sam Hawke K.A. Doore's Chronicles of Ghadid series The Deep by Rivers Solomon Jenn Lyons' A Chorus of Dragons series Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse The Founders Trilogy by Robert Jackson Bennett The Tiger's Daughter by K. Arsenault Rivera The Devourers by Indra Das (Indian shapeshifters!) The Once and Future Witches by Alix E Harrow The Chosen and the Beautiful by Nghi Vo (queer Gatsby retelling)

Adult Queer Fantasy that I know specifically feature on-page boning: Siren Queen by Nghi Vo (please read anything & everything by Nghi Vo) A Marvellous Light by Freya Marske A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland She Who Became the Sun by Shelly Parker-Chan The Mercenary Librarians series by Kit Rocha (dystopian) KJ Charles' Magpie Lord series

Not fantasy but you should still read them: Manhunt by Gretchen Felker-Martin (horror, trans cast, firmly anti-TERF) Light From Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki (science-fantasy, objectively a perfect novel) Summer Sons by Lee Mandelo (horror, gay yearning) The Seep by Chana Porter Genesis of Misery by Neon Yang (sci-fi Joan of Arc) Everything by Becky Chambers Everything by Rivers Solomon Arkady Martine's A Memory Called Empire

ALSO: author K.A. Doore keeps a running list of queer adult SFF published every year. I highly recommend going through those archives, which you can find here: https://kadoore.com/2022/05/23/2022-queer-adult-science-fiction-fantasy-books/

Tl;dr: SFF is extremely gay, almost everyone writing contemporary SFF is queer in some way, we are truly blessed and I don't want to hear anyone complaining about not being able to find stuff ever again, I love you all.

[reidsaurora]

𝐎𝐅𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐀𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐒𝐔𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Before we begin, be sure to request an imagine or join my taglist if you're feeling like it!

↳ Request an imagine here!

↳ Join my taglist here!

↳ Get to know me here!

☆ - author's recommendation

♡ - happy

♤ - sad

S. Winchester Imagines:

Stand-Alones

"Distraction" ~ 2.8K words ☆♡

Summary: Bela Talbot and her sister Bianca run into the Winchesters while searching for an object that could bring in big bucks for the Talbots. However, the Winchesters need the object to destroy a spirit. So, the four of them team up to steal the object.

Content Warning: sexual references/humor, swearing

"Skinny Dipping" ~ 1.6K words ♡

Summary: after losing contact with Sam and not talking for months, Sam and Alexis (a.k.a. named reader) accidentally bump into each other in a coffee shop and end up catching up and reminiscing together.

Content Warning: mild swearing

"Never Been Kissed" ~ 3.5K words (Teen!Sam) ♡

"5 Years" ~ 3.8K words ♡

Summary: Sam's girlfriend gets taken by the djinn. Though, once she's in her Wish World, she's unsure of whether she wants to leave. So, she must make a hard decision: should she stay or should she go?

Content Warning: swearing, mild sexual humor, mentions of suicide (related to the djinn in this imagine), i believe that's it?

Summary: During the middle of the Christmas season, Bobby and his daughter Y/N find themselves taking Sam and Dean Winchester into their home while their father is away on a hunt. Y/N has a not-so-secret crush on Sam, but somehow he still can’t seem to take a hint. What happens when a drinking game ensues and she finally tells him how she feels?

Content Warning: sexual references, swearing, underage alcohol consumption

"Locked In" ~ 2.9K words ☆♡

Summary: Y/N and Sam Winchester get locked in a grocery store together overnight. What happens when they play a drinking game and confess their love for each other?

Content Warning: mentions of panic attacks, very mild sexual content, alcohol consumption

"The First Snow" ~ 1.3K words ♡

Summary: Y/N has never seen real snow in her entire life, so her boyfriend, Sam, is determined to make her first snowfall as memorable as he can.

Content Warning: very mild swearing, very mild sexual reference

"I'll Always Be There" ~ 2.4K words ☆♤

Summary: When Y/N gets hit on during a night out at the bar, she'd never expect it to end with Sam in a bar fight. She also never expected it to end with a love confession.

Content Warning: an almost sexual assault (?), swearing, physical altercation, sexual references/humor, alcohol consumption

"A Vegan Valentine’s Day" ~ 1.2K words ♡

Summary: Y/N finds a way for Sam to enjoy his favorite Valentine’s Day snacks, despite Sam being in the middle of a health food kick.

Content Warning: sexual humor/references

"Looking For The Moon" ~ 1.1K words ♡

Summary: AU where until you meet your soulmate, you see their face in the moon. Once you meet your soulmate, the moon returns to its normal shape.

Content Warning: very mild swearing, alcohol consumption

"A Mystery" ~ 4.2K words ☆♤♡

Summary: In a strange turn of events, Sam finds himself reliving the same day over and over, only at the end of every day… he witnesses Y/N go into labor.

Content Warning: mild swearing, pregnancy related things, sexual references (in a humorous manner), a small, somewhat violent (?) scene

"Mornings" ~ 0.7K words ♡

Summary: Y/N recalls what her morning with Sam was like...

Content Warning: very mild sexual humor

"Coffee Burns, Cavities, & Cuddles" ~ 2.4K words ☆♡

Summary: While visiting Y/N's hometown, Sam comes down with a toothache. Worried for her boyfriend, Y/N makes him a dentist appointment, only for Sam to find out at said appointment that he has a cavity and needs a filling.

Content Warning: food, dentisty stuff lol, mentions of Valium and laughing gas, i think that's it?

"When Pigs Fly" ~ 1.2K words ♡

Summary: When Sam and Y/N are forced to share a bed, the two start to question just how close of friends they really are…

Content Warning: mild sexual humor, a tiny mention of food

"Another Man's Jeans" ~ 1.2K words ♤♡

Summary: When Y/N locks eyes with Sam Winchester in a random bar, she isn't expecting all those old feelings she had for him to resurface. Sam, on the other hand, was hoping for just that very thing.

Content Warning: alcohol consumption by reader and Sam, implied smut but nothing graphic, mentions of food, sort of implied weight for reader (she's smaller and shorter than Sam)

Series

series will be found here

D. Winchester Imagines:

Stand-Alones

"Chickenpox" ~ 2.5K words ♡

Summary: During a hunt, Dean catches chickenpox, leaving Y/N to play the role of his doctor until he gets better.

Content Warning: very mild swearing, mild sexual humor

"Christmas Eve Ball" ~ 2.2K words ☆♤♡

Summary: Sworn enemies Y/N and Dean Winchester have to pretend to be the most talked about couple in town. However, by the end of the night, Y/N and Dean aren't just pretending to be lovers anymore.

Content Warning: swearing, sexual references, implied sexual activity (basically fade to black smut)

"Bored" ~ 1.3K words ♡

Summary: Sam locks Dean and Y/N up in their motel room, and the two start to lose their minds out of boredom. So, Dean comes up with a plan on how they can get back at Sam.

Content Warning: sexual humor, very mild swearing

"(Un)Happy Valentine’s Day" ~ 1.6K words ♡

Summary: Y/N, a lover of all holidays, is determined to make Dean, her grump of a boyfriend who hates anything festive, fall in love with Valentine's Day.

Content Warning: mild swearing, sexual references/humor, small mention of beheading, a slightly homophobic (?) joke (it's a joke that was used in the show but idk if i should put a warning or not lol)

"Memory" ~ 2.9K words ☆♡

Summary: When Y/N has a nightmare, Dean is the one to comfort her. Dean asks what's wrong, but with her Special Child abilities, she shows him the memory of it instead.

Content Warning: normal Supernatural themes, mentions of death (specifically Sam's death in S2 and conversations about Dean's deal with the Crossroads Demon), very mild swearing

"Father's Day" ~ 1.2K words ♡

Summary: Y/N tells Dean's dad, John, about her pregnancy and his reaction isn't exactly what she was expecting.

Content Warning: alcohol consumption (not done by reader), small joke about kinks, mentions of restaurants/food, mentions of throwing up, somewhat implied weight/size for reader (?)

"Influence" ~ 1.9K words ♡

Summary: Dean and Y/N decide to spy on Sam's date, unaware that by doing so, they accidentally went on a date of their own.

Content Warning: mild swearing, very mild sexual references, food, alcohol consumption

"Favorite T-Shirt" ~ 1.1K words ☆♡

Summary: When Dean is in town, he invites Y/N for a drive. Little did they know what a cruise down Mulholland Drive had in store for them.

Content Warning: a very mild sexual reference, a very mild mention of food

"Cliché" ~ 2.1K words ☆♤♡

Summary: When Y/N tries (and miserably fails) to convince herself that she hates Dean, things take a much different turn than she'd anticipated.

Content Warning: very mild swearing, normal SPN violence (a vamp gets decapitated but it's not too heavily detailed), food consumption by Reader and Dean, lmk if i missed anything!

Series

"Best Friend's Brother" series ~ 6.2K words (Teen!Dean) ♤♡

Summary: Y/N has been best friends with Sam Winchester for her entire life. But she's also been in love with Dean, Sam's older brother, for as long as she can remember. What happens when she starts dating Dean behind Sam's back?

Content Warning: sexual references, swearing, mild references to abuse

Castiel Imagines:

Stand-Alones

"Like Heaven" ~ 1K words ♤

Summary: Y/N confesses her love for Castiel, though his reaction isn't exactly what she'd hoped for. And as it turns out, she may have just confessed her love at the worst time.

Content Warning: very mild swearing, mentions of death

"The Most Divine Experience" ~ 2.7K words ♤♡

Summary: When Y/N, unknowing of the supernatural world, gets kidnapped by vampires, she would've never expected to be rescued by three (very attractive) supernatural creature hunters. However, the thing she would've expected even less than that is falling hard and fast for the trench-coated one.

Content Warning: mentions of kidnapping, normal SPN-related themes, mild mention of abuse, swearing

"One Last Birthday Gift" ~ 1.8K words ♡

Summary: After Y/N's husband passes away, she and her daughter, Annie, move into the bunker with Y/N's brothers, Sam and Dean. Fast forward a couple years, and she's happily dating Castiel, an angel her brother's introduced her to. What happens on Annie's fourth birthday when Castiel says he has an extra surprise gift for the two of them?

Content Warning: very mild swearing

"Surprise, Valentine" ~ 1.8K words ☆♡

Summary: Valentine’s Day is Y/N and Castiel's anniversary. Unbeknownst to Y/N, Castiel has plans to make this the most special Valentine’s Day/anniversary yet.

Content Warning: none, i don't think

"Snow Angel" ~ 1.1K words ☆♡

Summary: A bored Y/N calls on Castiel to play with her in the snow. Unbeknownst to her, the day would end a little differently than she expected.

Content Warning: none

"First Names and First Kicks" ~ 0.8K words ♡

Summary: When Y/N and Castiel find out the news that Y/N is having a baby girl, they brainstorm ideas for what to name her. Little did they know, one of the name ideas would even excite the baby in Y/N's belly.

Content Warning: none, i don't think. ig mentions of throwing up.

"Ordinary People" ~ 0.9K ♡

Summary: When Castiel asks Y/N to dance, they son realize they believe in first sight… and that neither of them are just ordinary people.

Content Warning: mentions of alcohol/takes place at a bar, very mild swearing, mild sexual humor

Series

series will be found here

Miscellaneous Imagines:

Stand-Alones

"Immature" (Misha Collins) ~ 1.3K words ☆♡

Summary: After taking the summer off, it was finally time for Supernatural to begin filming another season. As a "welcome back" gift, Y/N has a little bit of fun pulling pranks on Misha, which costs him multiple takes. Only he doesn't know that Y/N is the one pulling the pranks...

Content Warning: mild swearing, food, i think that's it?

Series

series will be found here

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

☆𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒☆

[deancasbigbang]

Title: There Are Roads Left in Both of Our Shoes

Author: sidewinder

Artist: JavocJovian

Rating: Explicit

Pairings: Dean Winchester/Castiel, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester (background), Kaia Nieves/Claire Novak (background), Cesar Cuevas/Jesse Cuevas (background)

Length: 95000

Warnings: No archive warnings apply, canon-typical violence

Tags: Post-Episode AU: s15e19 Inherit the Earth Season 15/finale fix-it emotional hurt/comfort angst dreams and nightmares road trip first time Top/Bottom Versatile Cas/Dean soul bonding domestic Dean/Cas

Posting Date: October 22, 2021

Summary: When Cas suddenly appears at the bunker—out of the Empty, human, and very much alive—Dean can’t believe it. In the time since Chuck’s defeat and Jack vanishing into thin air, he’s lost all hope of ever seeing his angel again. Everything is perfect—or at least, as close as it has ever been for him. Without the fate of the universe to worry about and freed from God’s machinations, Dean can finally and openly reciprocate Cas’s love. They can begin to share the joys of this new life and be happy together in ways neither has allowed themselves in the past.  Cas is having trouble sleeping, though, nightmares clinging to him like the inky darkness of the Empty itself. Dean figures it will pass with time, and he begins to allow himself to dream and plan for a future where they can leave monsters and hunting behind for good. Only Cas’s nightmares are growing worse, not better. And Dean faces the possibility that he may lose Cas yet again to an enemy who won’t let go—not unless they can find a way to bind Cas to this Earth, this existence.  To Dean.

Excerpt: “Wait. Before you go, I have one more favor I’d like to ask. It’s a quick one,” Cas reassured her, sensing impatience. “And I have another gift if you choose to help me.” The promise of an additional shiny object gave her pause. He nodded toward his truck. “If you won’t let me give you a ride, then sit inside with me for a moment and I’ll show you.” Anael followed him, taking a seat on the passenger’s side. He opened the glove compartment and removed a small velvet pouch. From it he revealed an intricately carved turquoise scarab, as brilliant blue as the Mediterranean Sea on a clear day. “What’s this?” she asked with wide-eyed admiration. “A present to me from the Djinn queen. I’m...apparently married to her now under their law. She keeps sending me these tokens of appreciation.”  “Djinn queen? Didn’t think that was your style, Castiel. Kinky.” “Not really. It’s...complicated.” “Everything always is, with you. But this is beautiful.” “It’s yours if you’ll help me. You’re the only angel I can trust with this request.” He didn’t completely trust her, either. But they’d never tried to kill one another, which was at least something. “I know I’ve been focused on Jack’s soul today. But I was hoping...I’d like you to check if I have a soul.” She blinked at him and laughed. “I’m sorry, you want me to do what?” “When Metatron stole my grace and I became human, he mentioned that when I died, my soul would go to Heaven. Yet the last time I died, after my grace was restored, I ended up in the Empty.”  “That’s because angels don’t have souls. Simply removing our grace doesn't automatically create one in its absence.” “I realize that. But since then I’ve wondered...did he know or see something I didn’t? Maybe it’s been there long before then. It might explain why I was always prone to acting against orders I felt were wrong. The mere fact I have these...feelings that do not seem to fit what we angels are supposed to feel.”  She didn’t look convinced, but appeared intrigued enough to keep listening.  “When I didn’t have my grace, I had to sleep,” he continued. “I felt guilt and despair and love with an intensity we should not. I still do. When I have encountered soulless humans, they do and they feel none of these things.” Sam, in his post-Hell soulless state, as well as the prophet Donatello came to mind. Jack, and his changing behavior and demeanor as well. “Yes, but...soul or no soul, what difference does it make?” she asked. “It’s a painful and risky thing to check, if just to satisfy some kind of curiosity. You can’t exactly swap your soul out—if you have one—for Jack’s, either.” “I know that,” Cas told her. “But for other reasons, it might be of some use to me later on to know.” 

DCBB 2021 Posting Schedule

[milfcodeddean]

Memento Moratus Sum

Emma Haunts the Necklace- The Fic <3

Starts more post/concepty and becomes a fic bc I did not plan on this it was stream of consciousness!  I have not seen all of the later seasons and it was hard to keep track of what plot points to mention even of all the seasons I have seen!

AO3

Emma dies and Dean keeps her necklace to have something to remember her by, partly out of grief for what could have been partly as an act of emotional self flagellation. He wears it under his shirt, a secret, just like any thoughts he has about his dead daughter. 

Emma is a ghost because she didn’t do enough to be a monster and earn her place in purgatory but she isn’t human enough for heaven and she’s anchored to the necklace.

She follows Dean around silently, quickly learning enough about ghosts to know if she reveals herself too soon or ever really then Dean is going to burn the necklace.

During season seven Dean is haunted by two ghosts, Bobby, who is actively reaching out for him, and Emma, who is a silent observer. I think Emma hides from Bobby, he’s a hunter and she doesn’t want him to tell Dean about her, OR Bobby sees her before she knows ghosts can see other ghosts and they talk and he pities her but agrees to not let Dean know

Dean is wearing the necklace when he goes to purgatory. Emma is still a ghost here but it’s different, and she’s been watching this man for months now, he’s her world now. She keeps some of the monsters away, she makes him wake up when there are threats at night, she watches him befriend a monster and burns with pain at the knowledge that maybe she could have had that. Maybe she didn’t need to kill him, maybe he would have loved her not just as a dead hypothetical but as her.

Dean comes out of purgatory with an extra extra passenger. She watches with a sense of smugness as he rages at Sam, she pretends he’s also mad over her. She doesn’t like Sam’s attitude towards Benny either. She gets to see her great grandfather and she sees him die. She talks to his ghost, he calls her granddaughter (forgetting the great) even after learning she’s an amazon, before he gets reaped.

There’s an empty room in the bunker she pretends is hers. She moves objects in there, never quite decorating, but practicing telekinesis where Dean won’t see it and making up a fantasy of a life she could have had. She still never minds being tethered to Dean, especially now as he doesn’t sleep around and spends less time in bars where she’s left uncomfortably watching. She likes going to the grocery store, she likes watching him cook, maybe a few times she’s kept a pot from boiling over or a bag from falling. She’s learning to live from watching Dean, he doesn’t know it, but he’s teaching her life skills. She doesn’t know the names for the dishes he teaches her to make or the parts of cars or guns but she etches the motions he makes into her mind. She likes Charlie, she wishes she could meet her, and she likes larping. She imagines herself as an Amazon warrior of antiquity, armored in bronze.

She tried to wake Dean and Charlie out of their djinn dream but nothing worked, she tried to fight the djinn to no avail either. When Dean and Charlie hugged she wished she could be in their embrace too.

She’s glad it’s Bobby’s ghost they use for the trial, she’s so glad she never revealed herself.

Sam is slowly growing on her, she doesn’t love him but he means enough to Dean that she would try to stop him from dying.

She knows about Gadreel. She hides harder now, afraid too of the new angel in the bunker. Castiel she likes, Castiel she watched in purgatory and she watched beat her father bloody in the crypt and she understood brain washing and the control of authorities. She almost reveals herself and her knowledge of Gadreel when Dean kicks Cas out of the bunker, but her hesitation lasts too long.

She’s tethered to Dean so she isn’t there when Kevin dies. Kevin had been another one she enjoyed observing, she envied him his mother in so many ways, Linda had been everything Lydia hadn’t been. When Kevin dies he’s haunting the bunker too. It’s almost like having a friend. He pities her, but she’ll take anything, he’s sort of her age in some ways and she teaches him how to be a ghost.

Crowley almost gives her away. He knows she’s there, but he saves her presence as a bargaining chip against Dean, a surprise tidbit to bring up later.

The father of murder can see her too. Cain keeps his eyes on her father most of the time, but the spark in his eyes and smirk when he sees her and her bloody pink shirt cut straight through her.

Her father dies. She wants to run to him, to fling her arms around him and greet him with her bloody lips and stained shirt and tell him she forgives him and she loves him and she’s sorry he’s dead but can she at least spend some of eternity with him and she wants to teach him to be a ghost and she wants to tell him so many things she’s noticed. But Crowley does something that locks her voice and powers and keeps her from the room.

Demon dean leaves the bunker with Emma’s necklace ripped off and dropped beside a bedstead.

Sam picks up the necklace. Emma hates him touching it but it’s all she can hope that he doesn’t destroy it. She doesn’t know if he recognizes it, but he doesn’t throw it away, and brings it out to show Castiel as evidence for Dean’s absence. Castiel names it as Amazon gold, recognizes it as Dean’s, but does not know it’s origin. Emma has to hear her story from her murderer’s lips. She almost shows herself, but she’s afraid Sam will cast the necklace into a fire. If they could do that to Bobby, they’ll do it to her. But she doesn’t feel like a vengeful uncontrolled spirit, perhaps it’s the Amazon magic, but she feels calmer than she ever was during her days of life.

Her necklace stays in the bunker, she watches demon Dean from a distance at first, she tries to comfort him strapped to the chair but he calls her a hallucination and lets something between a sob and a laugh out before turning away. She tries, she wipes his brow, she begs him to become human again or to die, she tries to keep the devil’s trap intact. Still she is called a hallucination. It’s almost nice to be important enough that he’d hallucinate her.

When Dean, normal human dean, is back, he fixes the necklace with pliers and holds it staring at it in his hands. He’s alone in his room. Emma gently puts her hands over his where they are clasped around her anchor to him. She doesn’t know if he can feel her. Her name comes from his mouth in a breathy whisper, wet and rough, a word unused to being spoken. He bends over himself, weeping with the necklace pressed to his mouth. Emma weeps as well. He would not weep if he did not love her, but he is a hunter and she has to chose between this silent spectatorship where she can pretend she is living in rooms beside him, or the knowledge that if he knew she was haunting him, he would burn the necklace to send her on.

She doesn’t know if there’s another afterlife for failed amazons, and from what she understands of Heaven, hers would be something pathetic like the day she met Dean before she died, or an eternity as a ghost watching him weep.

She hates watching Dean with Amara those few days. She hates the burning wretched envy risking corrupting her as he holds a baby girl that isn’t her. She hates that Amara loves Dean. And she hates even more that Amara brings back Mary instead of her.

She never realized that she wanted to be brought back and resurrected so badly and that it was even an option until she watches Dean reunite with Mary.

Dean mentions her to Mary- almost - he says he had a kid, and the cut off gesture to the necklace means her. Emma stopped minding that Dean never spoke about her. She didn’t want him to talk about her with Sam, and she quickly realized he didn’t talk about his grief with anyone. But he did wear her necklace, and sometimes he took it out from under his shirt and rubbed his thumb over the metal and she would pretend it was his thumb stroking the back of her hand. Dean didn’t talk about her and she didn’t need him to. But now he had, and with his mother. And he implied he had thought about what he would want for her, that he wouldn’t want his life of violence and moving for her.

Emma likes Mary as a warrior woman, but can’t help but understand Dean’s pain when she leaves. She understands being the surprise child older than a parent wants too much.

She tried to help Dean as she always has, but the British Men of Letters terrify her. She knows they would either keep her to study or destroy her and she can’t trust anyone to keep her secret from their spying.

Later it seems the world collapses again. Cas dies. Angels don’t have ghosts, she can never meet him. And Kelly has eyes only for her son until she is reaped. Emma wishes she could comfort Dean or that she could truly leave him to his grief. She turns away as he ties Castiel’s body with yellow curtains. She stands beside him watching the pyre.

She doesn’t understand Dean’s attitude towards Jack. She’s watched jealously how Dean interacts with Krissy, with Claire, with the orphan boys at the home, and she has her fantasy of how Dean would have treated her had she lived. The jealous part of her doesn’t want Dean to like Jack, but most of her wants Dean to go back to acting like how she expected him to, she wants the man she could pretend was being her father. And she watches Jack enough to be afraid of their similarities. To see herself in him. And if Dean hates him, would he have hated her. Does he only wear her necklace because she’s dead.

She watches silently when Dean finally breaks, confronted, and tells Sam that he sees her in Jack. She hears how he loves her. She watches Sam realize the enormity of his crime and apologize. She accepts the apology, even if it wasn’t meant for her ears. Dean doesn’t see her, but she sits beside him on the opposite side of Sam on that floor.

Something has changed.

Sometimes, it seems like Dean is glimpsing her out of the corner of his eye. He stares at the steamy bathroom mirror while he’s shaving, right at the red smear on the pink of her shirt. He nicks himself, swears, and swipes a hand through the steam, through her image. He does double takes in the rear view mirror, glancing twice at the backseat where she sits, pretending she’s part of his road trips.

Jack brings back Castiel. Jack has powers beyond what Emma could have imagined. And Jack is both nice and not fully indoctrinated into hunting ways. Emma also likes Jack, she understands so much about him, and she likes the shows he watches, she likes the way he’s nice, and in her elaborate fantasy of what if she was alive, she decides he’s her brother.

It’s hard to find a time when Jack is alone but near enough to Dean and the anchoring necklace that she can talk to him, but it happens.

Emma focuses everything she has into appearing, a heavy grounding feeling she hasn’t felt since Dean was a chained demon. The words catch in her throat, unpracticed at speaking, but she blurts out to Jack that she’s his sister, the words spilling fast, that she’s Dean’s dead daughter, she doesn’t tell him that Sam killed her, she’s seen Sam with him, their closeness she can’t decide if she envies or not. She tells him she’s an Amazon, how she’s dead but anchored, how she doesn’t have a heaven or purgatory or hell, how she wants to come back. She tells him that she likes his shows and she tells him she loves Dean and Castiel and she finds things she likes about Sam. He doesn’t look at her with pity. He looks at her with a bright spark to his eyes.

But he doesn’t resurrect her. At least not right away. Apparently he’s been too recently warned off from the idea of asking for forgiveness rather than permission. He thinks she should reveal herself to Dean first, before they decide. Emma hates the idea, she spent all of these years afraid of Dean destroying her anchor, and now she’s afraid of his rejection, what if he resents her watching him all the time, what if he blames her for not doing more. What if he wants her gone instead of brought back.

The Amazons,in their scant days of raising her, taught her to be brave.

Jack asks the family to stay after dinner.

Emma takes a deep breath, more for the instinctive motion than for a need for air, and materializes.

There’s a beat of silence and then a mess of noises. Dean drops a mug, Sam’s chair skids, everyone one is talking at once.

Emma can’t find words to say to Dean, she wants to stare at him as she always does, but she can’t bear to see rejection on his face. She waits and Jack opens his mouth to introduce her but then her name comes from Dean’s lips. It’s like that dark night where they wept in his bedroom again. She has called him many variants of father in her mind in several languages, but it is the most childish “daddy” that slips out.

No one else in the room matters, he looks at her, meeting her eyes instead of the gorey wound, and she gets eye contact without having to pretend she is what’s in his sight line.

He doesn’t ask if she’s a ghost or if she’s dead or any of the silly civilian questions. He only manages “how” before fumbling for the necklace, and she nods confirmation. She wonders if he’s planning on burning it.

He asks how long and suddenly words spill forth, she tells him she’s been here the whole time, watching, she says she sorry about Bobby and Kevin and Charlie and Kelly and Cas and Benny she tells him the ones she helped with being a ghost, she tells him about watching the others move on, she says she’s sorry she couldn’t do more when he was a demon and something in his expression breaks, she says she’s sorry she never showed herself.

He holds up a hand, stopping her before she apologizes again, and says he remembers her when he was a demon, that he had thought she was a hallucination, she nods and cries anew.

She wants to tell him that she’s watched him and loves him and even if it’s embarrassing she wants to say she’s pretended to be alive with him, and she wants most of all to ask if he loves her, to hear it said to her face.

Instead he asks weakly why she’s here now.

She says she wanted to come clean about haunting him, says she’s thought about it for years and was scared he would burn the necklace, says she’s learned about ghosts from him and she’s never felt vengeful, she doesn’t feel corrupted, and maybe it’s because she’s a monster. His face twitches at that word.

Jack interrupts, changing the air in the room and suddenly both she and Dean remember their audience. Sam’s eyes are wet and he looks something close to afraid. Emma hopes the look on Castiel’s face is softness for her too and not just Jack.

Jack offers to bring her back, tells Dean that they didn’t want to do it behind his back. Emma turns invisible again out of the sick swoosh of anxiety that overwhelms her. She barely hears through her ringing ears that Dean desperately agrees and says yes, fumbling to take the necklace off and pass it to Jack.

She’s going to have to wait a few days. Jack is going to bring her back where her body is, and that’s more than 24 hours of driving away, and Dean wants to be there.

It’s a weird car ride, they know she’s there, and she sits between Castiel and Jack in the back of the Impala. They had her pick a set of Jack’s clothes to replace her bloody shirt, they have food and water for her. Emma doesn’t have a name for the emotions she’s feeling and they’re almost overwhelming.

They don’t have to dig her up to bring her back, Jack’s powers allow for that at least, and Emma is glad, she’s watched Dean dig up enough graves to imagine what she’ll look like.

Then Jack’s eyes glow bright gold.

It’s like what she imagines being born feels like. Overwhelming and dark and bright and both blissful and painful. And then she is gasping with real lungs and the sunlight is bright in her eyes and she can feel the textures of her clothing and the grass.

And then arms and hands are on her, Dean is pulling her to her feet and into his embrace in one motion.

She’s never been hugged by him, and it’s better than her jealous imaginings when he held others. She never wants to let go, she feels safe and warm and loved and his hand is on her hair and she can smell him and feel his heartbeat.

He finally lets go and steps back to look at her, keeping a hand on her shoulder and cupping her cheek with the other. There are streaks of tears matching her own on his face. His hands leave only to be replaced by Jack.

Jack’s hug is different but enthusiastic, there are no tears, he is beaming, part proud, part delighted, she can’t help but smile back. He calls her sister and she accepts him as brother.

Castiel does not embrace her, but his greeting his warm and his eyes match his smile. He clasps her hand between his and Emma’s heart swells.

She knows Sam doesn’t know how to look at her or how to talk to her. She doesn’t know what she wants from him either. She knows hes sorry, she’s heard it from his own lips, not to her, but to the only other person to whom it would matter. She smiles hesitantly at him, instead of glaring, and waves.

Then she slips her hand back into Dean’s and lets him pull her into another hug. She feels light and giddy and afraid this is all a dream. If she died and this is heaven then she would accept that too.

But it’s real, she changes out of her bloody shirt and into a blue one of Jack’s, she drinks water for the first time in years and eats fruit snacks from a packet pulled from Castiel’s trench-coat pocket, and a cereal bar.

A few hours later they stop at a nicer diner than Emma usually sees them eat at, and Dean tells the hostess it’s his daughter’s birthday and Emma gets to order foods she’s been curiously watching people eat for years off the menu. The restaurant gives her cake.

Emma’s cheeks hurt from smiling, and Dean’s eyes have not lost their cheerful crinkle and Jack is beaming and even Sam and Castiel look endlessly pleased.

Later there will be harder talks, about the things she’s witnessed, later she’ll talk about haunting their steps, about the years of questions built up, later she’ll realize she doesn’t remember how to sleep and Dean will sit and try to stroke her hair and talk softly and it’s nice but not enough. Later it will be Castiel who explains how to become human, how to adjust to having a body, how to sleep and how to tell if you like a food or not. Later she will argue with Dean about her usefulness on hunts and he will tell her how scared he is of her dying again. Later Mary will come back and die. Later Jack will die and a demon will wear his corpse and she will hate and fear it, later God will tell her she is an interloper in his story.

But for now Emma has a family and a piece of cake and a table of smiles.

[dcforts]

[something more]

ao3.

Dean never wants to go to hunter gatherings.

First, because they don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to meeting other hunters, and second, because whenever they go there's always people looking at them like they’re freaks. He knows they tell all sorts of stories about them and some are hard, ugly truths that Dean would rather stop thinking about for the rest of his life.

But he's got a text from Carol while he was about to get in the car after wrapping up a case, and Sam asked who it was, so it had become a Thing to discuss.

And Dean’s main argument was “Why would we go?”, but Sam’s was “Why not?”, which was objectively stronger. And it got worse because from the backseat Jack kept interjecting with, “Go where?” and, “Who are these people?” until Sam paid attention to him and explained that hunters meet up sometimes to “get a drink, exchange stories”, and that had made him light up like a Christmas tree because Jack loved stories and the idea of expanding his pool of knowledge on hunting and creatures appealed to him greatly.

So the fact that Dean had tried to point out that, “This is stupid. We are hunters, not a book club,” had sorted no effect whatsoever. No, instead, Jack had said, “That sounds nice. We should go,” and when Dean had met Cas’ eyes in the rear view mirror, all he had offered was a shrug.

Typical.

It’s not that Dean wants to be a hermit or something, but he always feels like he needs to be wary of who’s gonna be at these sorts of things because some may treat them like Hollywood stars, but some may want to shoot them on sight. Anyone could come up to them and call them out for starting the end of the world, letting monsters out of Hell and Purgatory, cosmic beings out of their cages, getting their family killed, destroying their lives.

And there’s also this: are they really ready for Jack’s debut in society? Sam thinks they are. He thinks it’s a great opportunity to show that the community doesn’t have anything to worry about. He’s with them now and he’s not going anywhere so they should get used to that. Cas says he’ll be there to intervene in case things go south and Dean’s mind flashes with Carol’s house burning to the ground after Cas’ has gone all mama swan on the hunters. He meets Sam’s eyes briefly and it looks like he had the exact same images playing in front of his eyes, “I’m sure it won’t be necessary," he adds quickly.

So Sam wanted to go and Jack wanted to go and Cas didn’t seem to be able to say no to the kid even if he tried, so Dean had to bite his cheek and wake up early the next morning to drive across the state.

At least it’s a nice day, at least it stopped raining and the sun is breaking in from the clouds; the chilly air that comes in from the window that Cas is in the habit of keeping rolled all the way down brings in the pleasant smell of wet leaves.

Dean feels his knees bumping on the back of his seat from time to time and looks at him in the rear view mirror and Cas sometimes catches his eyes and sometimes he doesn’t.

At least they are spending time together. It’s rare for Cas to stay around after a hunt these days. He doesn’t need the down time they require, or so he says. He gets bored in the bunker, starts climbing the walls the second the door closes behind them. He gets restless, and then there’s Heaven and always bigger things to deal with, and Dean imagines that that beats staying behind to play foosball with him and Jack.

Going on hunts with Cas is always fun, but it’s also a run against time and there’s death and guns and fear involved, even when it’s an easy-peasy salt-and-burn. And it’s the four of them crammed in a motel room, so they don’t get much time to be alone. And Dean likes when they are all together, but likes it more when Sam and Jack disappear in the maze of the bunker and he gets to have his best friend all for himself.

That is why Dean had been pleased when Cas had expressed his intention of staying with them for a couple more days. In that moment Dean had been busy keeping his lunch in his stomach - he’d just found the shredded skin of a shapeshifter in a freaking kitchen drawer - but he’d heard him loud and clear all the same.

They were moving about in the victim’s house looking for clues and talking about other stuff, when Cas had said something along the lines of, “I could work on it once we go back to the bunker,” and Dean had asked, half distracted, “So you’re going back with us?” and Cas had his back turned and Dean had opened the drawer in that moment, but he'd heard him when he’d said:

“I guess.”

It was barely a whisper but it meant yes, that’s all that mattered. And it also meant, from Dean’s perspective, a really nice weekend, that included, not in order of importance: his hot dog pants, driving around with the music up, Dean’s cave and Cas.

So, yeah, if Dean was completely honest with himself – something that he generally tried to avoid – it’s not like he wanted to waste a whole day of that to go spend it with a bunch of strangers.

But it doesn’t matter now, because they’ve piled up in the Impala and driven to Carol’s.

Dean likes her. She spent half her life working at a bank, but after crossing path with a djinn she hanged her suit, moved out of the city and created a safe place for hunters, soon becoming a beacon in the community in Kansas. Her door is always open, as she said that one time they met her on a case. Dean likes her for no-nonsense ways, her honest looks and, not less importantly, her amazing sandwiches.

Carol fusses over him and Sam in the hall, scolds them for taking so long to visit when they live in the same state, then Sam makes the introductions, and it’s only his shifting a little from side to side that betrays his nervousness.

Her eyes focus on Cas and her expression speaks of wonder and surprise.

“The angel Castiel,” she calls him and he nods, “a long way from Heaven.”

“The weather here is nicer,” he says, and Dean snorts softly next to him.

Jack wins her over immediately with his wide smile and polite hand shake, “I look forward to exchanging stories,” he says and she huffs a laugh and says:

“Sure, Jack. We heard a lot about you. I bet everyone will be eager to talk to you.”

On the other side of Cas, Sam gets more fidgety; he says, “If you think uh – we don’t want any trouble.”

But she shakes her head and gestures dismissively. “Nonsense. No one will start trouble if they don't wanna see the end of my rifle. A friend of yours is a friend of mine,” she reassures him. “Plus, Eileen vouched for him.”

“Sh-she is here already?” Sam almost chokes up and all of the sudden he seems to have grown a few inches taller.

Dean understands now. He pieces together his insistence in coming to this thing, his bouncing knee throughout their journey, the way he checked his phone more or less forty-five times. He feels slightly less bad about having caved in. There are a lot of things that Dean would give up for Sam, and things that he would conjure out of thin air just for him to have, if he could. But there’s so much he can’t give him and he wants Sam to just get out and take, have and enjoy. So if he wanted to come here just to meet Eileen again, Dean’s happy to be complicit.

Sam is the first to disappear in the packed living room, with Jack following right behind, but Dean grabs Castiel’s elbow before he can take another step. He circles him to block him from the entrance and says, “Hey, stick with me, alright? Last time I was at one of these things this guy Norman talked about his knife collection for three hours.”

“But, Jack…”

“He’s with Sam, he’s gonna be fine,” says Dean, dismissing. He grins, “Come on, I’ll introduce you to some people; don’t you wanna make friends?”

Cas makes a face but doesn't say anything else. Apparently Jack is not the only one who he seems unable to refuse something to and that makes Dean feel good. He trails after him around the room as Dean stops to say hello from familiar face to familiar face.

There’s Max and Alicia, sprawled on a couch, nursing the worst hangover Dean’s seen in a long time. They say they're happy to see him, but then they eye Cas up and down and Max says something along the lines of, “Oh, I see now why you keep him hidden from us," and that prompts Dean to quickly move along.

Then they bump into this old man who claims to have been one of the patrons of the Roadhouse. Dean has no idea who he is, but he swears he remembers him from when he was a boy - of course he remembers, and hey, if he needs anything, did he know that he was retired but still kept an eye out for monster sightings, and did he hear of that one time he and Bill Harvelle -

Dean tries to nod and smile appropriately for the whole time and when they finally manage to escape him, Cas leads him to an empty corner where they can take refuge.

"I didn't think there would be this many people," Cas says, surveying the room clearly looking for Jack.

Dean elbows him and points at where the kid is talking animatedly to two young hunters he's never seen, "What is he even talking about?"

"Our last case."

"Wh-? Oh, right, I always forget you have the superhearing," then he has a thought and adds, "Hey, you gonna tell me if you hear someone talking shit about me, right?"

Cas' eyebrows raise in thinly veiled amusement and that's all the answer Dean needs, "What? Who?" he asks, outraged.

But Cas doesn't have time to answer before they get interrupted and soon surrounded by hunters Dean's seen on the road, worked with, heard about. Some share their epic tales of escapes from impossible dangers, some are curious and some are brave and blunt and they ask Cas questions and address him without fear and Cas is polite and just a tiny bit awkward.

It gets a little chilly when this guy with too many beers in starts bragging about how he knows all about angels' weaks spots. Cas' face stays as stony as it gets for the whole time but then he says “I suggest you check your sources,” with a deep voice that runs a shiver down Dean’s spine, and he’s not even the one who’s directing his intense gaze at.

There are so many different people that Cas doesn't stick out like a sore thumb, and Dean finds himself thinking that if they were just two regular hunters in a crowd and nothing more, perhaps some things would be easier.

He almost sighs of relief when he eyes Eileen on the other side of the room and steers Cas towards her.

"I can't believe I still haven't had a single beer," he mutters as they elbow their way through the crowd. Sam hovers around her with a timid smile plastered on his face that doesn’t seem to take any breaks.

Dean hugs her and tries not to follow Cas’ movement with the corner of his eyes when he senses him stepping away from his side.

Eileen calls his attention back. She makes fun of him saying, “Sam told me you didn’t want to come. Getting too old to leave the house?”

“Very funny,” Dean says.

“Next time we can organize something at the bunker. There’s so much space," she says, smirking.

Dean thinks 'Yeah, no way' and says, “Yeah, no way,” and she laughs.

“But you,” Dean adds, “you can come stay with us. Anytime. For as long as you want. We would love to have you. Me, Sam,” he says wiggling his eyebrows in a way that has his brother close his eyes in embarrassment, “you’re always welcome.”

“Thank you,” she signs, blushing a little, “I’ll try to come by.”

Dean is glad to know that. She has opened a door in Sam’s life that he probably thought closed forever and Dean will always be grateful to her for that. Also, she is a badass and totally out of his brother’s dorky league.

Cas comes standing by his side again and Dean feels a gentle touch on the small of his back. It's intimate and unexpected so he steps away immediatly almost on instict and Cas' drops his hand. He meets his gaze and they frown at each other for a second. Cas seems about to say something, but then goes back to sporting his usual face, “I think I saw Claire. I’m going to find her.”

So Dean, with that spot on his lower back still tingling, follows him out of the room and into another where there’s only a few scattered hunters and Jack, happily squeezed on a couch with his new friends, his mouth hanging open as he hears a story from this guy named Ronnie that Dean knows for a fact only talks shit. The kid seems to be having fun though, he waves at them as move along.

They find Claire in the empty white kitchen, and catch her right when she’s about to open herself a beer. Her eyes widen in panic but she doesn’t manage to hide the bottle behind her back fast enough.

“Hey guys,” she says with a nervous laugh, “didn’t know you were going to be here.”

Dean stretches out a hand without a word and she drops the act, sighs and hands it over. Before she can say anything else, Cas steps between them, "Claire, it's nice to see you," he says and she lets him squeeze her into a hug.

Pressed against his shoulder, Dean sees her face change expression, her body slightly relax in his arms. She pats him on the back and says: “Good to see you too, Cas.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Just passing through,” she replies, putting on airs, “Finished up a job a few miles north. I thought I’d drop by Carol’s before moving on.”

She flips a strand of blonde hair over her shoulder and Dean scoffs.

“So you are in Kansas, and you don’t call, and you drop by Carol’s? Were you even planning on stopping by the bunker?”

She rolls her eyes at him, “I go where the job takes me, Dean. I don’t make plans.”

Dean rolls his eyes in the exact same way, “Right. Well, you know it wouldn’t kill you to stay with us for a while. We could get you a bit of training.”

She groans as if she's heard that same speech about a thousand times, but Cas cuts off whatever she was going to retort with and says, “We weren’t planning on coming either. Sam and Jack are here too.”

“Jack’s here?” she lights up. She says she's heard all sorts of things about him and she can’t wait to meet the kid and of course she’s gonna go easy on him, it’s not like she’s gonna eat him, Jesus, Dean, protective much?

Dean frowns at her but she’s already halfway out of the room. “I can be his big sister. I mean, he should have someone he can talk to. Living with you three must be – a lot.”

“Hey,” protests Dean, but she just laughs and disappears down the hallway.

Dean shakes his head and leans against one of the kitchen counters. Cas does the same against the opposite island. At the end of the narrow passage between the furniture there’s a glass door that gives into the patio and a small garden beyond it.

The door is ajar and fresh air comes in; Cas gets engrossed in watching the pattern the raindrops formed on the glass and Dean gets engrossed in watching Cas. He seems lost in thought and Dean would like to say something but doesn’t want to be annoying. Not today, not when tomorrow he could be gone.

He’ll take this quiet moment instead.

“She’ll be a bad influence on Jack,” he breaks the silence, and that gets him an amused quirk of lips, “But it really would be nice to have her around more often.”

Curiously that has Cas' take his eyes away from the glass and lay his gaze on him. He has his lips pressed in a small smile.

“What?”

“You want people you love around you.”

Dean frowns, “What about it?” he asks, and it comes out sharp and defensive.

Cas shakes his head a little, but there’s a shadow on his face that confuses him: “Nothing, I only meant -" but he doesn’t get to finish his sentence, because a group of hunters enters the kitchen talking loudly and soon Dean has his vision blocked by half a dozen bodies and he has to press himself against the cabinets to let them through, towards the garden door.

One guy in a baseball cap stops in his track as he sees Dean.

He asks with his eyes wide and stunned expression if he is Dean Winchester, the Dean Winchester and Dean is glad that the rest of the group is already out of earshot because he wasn’t in the mood for a meet and greet session. But the guy starts talking about some hunter named Troy, who he has supposedly hunted with a couple of years back. And Dean’s not in a habit of calling people liars but he's pretty sure he'd remember if he had wiped out a nest of fangs with this guy and allegedly taken down five all on his own and went and get steaks and beer afterwards.

He tries to shoot him down gently and say, “Maybe your friend had me confused with someone else,” but the guy’s face falls and tells him Troy has recently passed on the job and this was his favourite story to tell, and he would always tell it, all proud and all.

Dean pats him on a shoulder then.

“You know what, we shouldn’t ruin it for him now, should we? Troy, you say? Of course I remember him,” he says and throws in a wink. The guy beams at him and thanks him and gets a little chocked up because Troy might have been a liar but he swears he was one of the good ones.

The guy invites him to join his friends for a drink but Dean raises his half-empty bottle and says “I’m fine, thanks.”

When the guy walks away, Cas moves to lean on the counter by his side. Dean feels the familiar weight of his arm against his and he wonders if they could pick up the conversation where they left it. But Cas says:

“That was nice of you.”

Dean shrugs looking down at their shoes lined up and for some reason he thinks it’s a funny sight. If they were just two shoe wearing creatures standing side by side and nothing more, perhaps some things would be easier.

“Doesn't really change my life. And it's a good story,” he huffs a laugh, it comes out bitter, “Better than some of the true ones anyway.”

“I understand what you mean,” says Cas with a sigh and Dean extends his arm to offer him his beer, and even though Cas usually refuses, this time he takes it.

Dean does his best not to follow his hand bringing the bottle to his lips. And he does his best, later, not to wonder if the wetness touching his lips when he drinks is just beer or something else.

If they were just two drinking creatures, sharing a bottle of beer and nothing more, perhaps everything would be easier.

Soon the bottle is empty and Cas says, “I’ll get you another one,” but Dean refuses.

It’s nice there - someone's turned the music on in the other room, but here it's muffled by the walls, and the light is just right to make Cas’ eyes look like sapphires. They don’t need to move.

But then the group of hunters out in the patio erupts in laughter and Cas’ gaze shifts on them and then lingers on the glass door.

Dean feels him slipping from him once again. He sighs, “You wanna go out, check the garden?”

Cas nods and heads out and Dean can’t do anything but follow, past the hunters and the patio. They walk the perimeter of the small square of grass, wet and glistening with old rain. The sun and the clouds draw patches of light on the ground and they move from dark to light to dark again in an irregular rhythm, chasing the warmth of the sunlight and the relief of the shade. Dean feels uncomfortable in both, but there’s no middle line he can walk on.

“Sorry we dragged you here,” he finds himself saying, “You never stick around, and for once that you do, that’s what you get.”

Cas frowns slightly at him, “I stick around,” he protests.

Dean laughs, “You don’t,” he says and although he tries to reign it in with the bitterness, it stills seeps out. Cas’ gaze prompts him to explain himself, “Come on, the minute we’re done with a case you are out of here. I don’t blame you,” he quickly adds cutting off whatever Cas was opening his mouth to say. “I know you don’t like sitting around. Believe me, no one understands that more than I do.”

A long beat passes and then Cas says, “I’m sorry, I never meant to make you feel like I don’t want to spend time with you.”

Dean stops in his tracks and Cas stops with him to face him.

Dean shakes his head, “Cas, you don’t have to apologize to me. This is not about me. And I said, I get it,” he shrugs.

Cas doesn’t look at all convinced and Dean doesn’t feel at all convinced either. He knows this is not about his feelings. It’s more like a general way of how things are. It’s a truth, a fact. Sam would say the same.

Sam would. Standing here in the garden with him, Sam would tell him the very same things and wish for the very same things. He’s sure he would. He's not accusing Cas of anything. On the contrary, he’s showing him understanding.

“It’s all the same for me, I swear. I don't care,” he adds, but saying that hurts a little, for some reason he can’t quite determine, and he finds his own frown mirrored on Cas’ face.

“Alright,” he says, sounding profoundly sad and again the same shadow passes on his face.

This is all wrong. What did he do?

“Look, I don’t get what you want me to say. If you wanted to - ” he exhales, angrily, “Just - forget it, let’s go back inside,” he says but as he tries to walk away Cas stops him by his elbow.

“You could ask me.”

He looks unsure, troubled, as if he is not quite certain this is a good idea. Dean breathes out a confused, “What?” that he himself can barely hear.

Cas squares his shoulders, “To stay. You could ask me,” he sounds accusing, and he takes a step forward. His eyes are firm in Dean’s and with his elbow still in his grip, he feels like a hummingbird flapping his wings in the paw of a dragon, “You ask everybody else.”

Dean’s heart starts pounding. He tries to swallow but his mouth is too dry.

“I don’t wanna ask you, Cas,” he says, cutting, yanking his arm free of his hold, and it sounds bad, bad, bad to his ears and he can read hurt all over Cas’ face. He needs to explain himself. He takes a breath, says a lame, “I mean, if you don't -”

And then, Dean suddenly understands.

Cas thinks he doesn’t -

He thinks he doesn’t care if he’s around and doesn’t ask because he doesn’t need him.

Dean feels like his heart is about to leap out of his chest. He’s not ready for this. He’s not ready for this. He fights the need to look down. He doesn’t know why this is so hard for him. It’s just Cas. But that’s the point, isn’t it? It’s Cas. It would hurt ten times more if he were to say no. It’s nothing like with Claire, he asked her for her; it’s nothing like with Eileen, he asked her for Sam. But if he asked Cas, he would be asking for himself, wouldn’t he?

Seeing him walk away anyway would be too much then.

But maybe he wouldn’t.

Cas senses his struggle, “If you want, you can ask me,” he says, coming closer, in his eyes his timeless patience, that gaze that tells him that he is seen, he is known. Cas says: “I will say yes,” and it’s barely more than a whisper but Dean’s brain is a step away from short-circuiting anyway.

He looks away and he doesn’t recognize his own voice when he blurts out a hurried, muttered, nervous, almost angry: “Well, stay, then.”

But then a sunbeam decides to cut through the clouds in that exact moment and has Dean looking up again. The lazy sunlight of an early afternoon shines on Cas’ face. He’s not bothered by the sudden change of light, unlike Dean, who has to squint and bring a hand to his forehead.

Cas’ eyes sparkle like shimmering water when he says, “Okay.”

Dean barely remembers what happens after that. That image gets imprinted behind his eyelids and he can’t stop thinking about it.

He floats through a darts game and a dozen of Carol’s sandwiches. Then there's Jack telling an embarrassing story about him that has people folding in two with laughter, and Claire agreeing on following them back to the bunker only with the promise of destroying him at foosball.

There's Sam introducing him to this lady to work a job together on alledged arachnes activity in Winsconsin and a girl who wants him to debunk some stuff she's heard about them but she doesn't believe (he disappoints her cause they are mostly true) but most importantly, there's Cas' thigh pressed against his when he's sitting and Cas’ shoulder just an inch away when he's standing, and somehow it's different than it was before.

Most of all, he feels lighter than he's felt in ages.

*

Later, as he gets to his car with Sam, he says, “Hey, you know, you were right. It was a little fun,” and his brother looks at him in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? We came here to meet new people and you spent all your time with Cas.”

Dean shrugs, embarrassed to be called out. “So what? You spent all your time with Eileen,” he says and he regrets it immediately, especially as Sam purses his lips like he’s holding back a laugh.

He nods, “I see your point,” he says diplomatically, stressing the t, before he slips into the passenger seat.

Dean doesn’t look forward in continuing the conversation, crammed in a small space with his ears burning and Sam’s gigantic enquiring eyes on him, thank you very much, so he stays out of the car, his arms crossed on the roof, frowning at himself.

He watches as Cas comes down the little pathway with Jack and Claire. In the orange light of the sunset, Jack turns to ask him something and Cas nods. Typical. At the end of the path they split and only Cas makes his way across the street.

"Jack is riding with Claire," he says as soon as he's within earshot. He sounds like he doesn't think it's a good idea and it's a little funny.

"Relax, we're gonna be right behind them."

Cas seems reassured by that, but it only lasts the time it takes for him to make his way around the car, because even before he can grab the car handle, Claire speeds past them shouting, "See you, dorks." Now he looks truly alarmed.

Dean says, "You up for a ride after we drop Sam off?” and all his worry melts away from his face. He says a soft, “Alright,” and disappears into the backseat.

So when they get to the bunker, Dean doesn't follow Claire’s car to the garage and stops up front, the engine running. Sam looks at him confused, “We’ll be here in an hour,” Dean just says, grateful for the shadows around his face.

Sam is stunned for just a second, then snorts, “Fine guys, I’ll babysit tonight, but next time you gotta ask.”

He gets out and the next moment Cas has taken his seat. He doesn't waste time to pop one of Dean's tapes in the deck as he takes the road again.

Dean rolls his window down and in the night air that ruffles his hair he can smell another storm coming. He turns the music up and meets Cas’ eyes. There’s a smile in there somewhere that mirrors his own.

And - they may not be just two individuals in a car going nowhere and nothing more, and things may not be easy, probably never will, but maybe, Dean thinks, it doesn’t really matter in the end.

[astudyinfreewill]

i’ve been remiss in liveblogging my catching-up-with-spn thoughts but man scoobynatural really did hit like a brick to the face. it was just. So Much Episode

dean quoting elsa from frozen and telling sam to “let it go”, which is similar to referencing dory in s12 and generally being into cartoons because he never got to have a childhood except elsa is very obviously a disney princess... imagine season 1 dean??? you couldn’t. they’d give the reference to sam and have dean say something like dUdE cOulD yOu bE MoRe GaY??? anyway post-charlie dean we love you

the dean cave!!!!!! listen. listen. listen. don’t talk to me about dean’s nesting. don’t talk to me about he’s constantly trying to make the bunker a home for himself and his loved ones (which is fundamentally at odds with sam viewing it as a place of work, which is also why dean is so unsettled with the hunters using it as a homebase in s14 bc hey that’s his home!! :/ ). but DO talk to me about how there are two la-Z-boy recliners but we know sam’s never seen the deancave before so. who’s the other chair for. who’s the other chair FOR. gee i wonder if this has anything to do with dean and cas having movie date nights. don’t (or do) talk to me about dean building a home and cas being the first person he wants to share it with!!!!!!!!

the running joke about dean loving scooby doo which the show plays for laughs bc they rely on jensen to make it funny but is actually monumentally sad. “wherever dad dragged us there was always a tv”. dean raised sam but who raised dean?? no one. that’s who. he got stuck watching scooby doo and letting tv be his parent because no one else was around to do it. watching cartoons was probably the closest he could feel to being an actual child. john winchester die by my blade

right so. aside from the whole dean striking out with daphne as a last ditch attempt at performing heteronormativity, many people have already discussed the triangulation of desire happening here with dean-daphne-fred much more in-depth than i could, so i’m not gonna get into it but i just. dean... dean you’re so transparent. literally see-through. why was that whole car-racing scene so filled with homoerotic tension à la top gun?? i know why and you know why we all know why. also there’s THIS which is driving me absolutely off my gourd:

yeah, dean. tell us more about fred’s perfect hair, his can-do attitude, and his stupid ascot (which dean ends up wearing HIMSELF by the end of the attitude!!! love that triangulation!! love that sublimation of desire!! love that inherently bisexual conundrum of do i want to be him or be with him!!! delicious!!! (also worth noting, dean’s disparaging comments towards fred can be paralleled to velma’s disparaging comments towards sam... whom she ends up kissing at the end of the episode. just saying)

wonderful. i once led armies and now i’m paired with a scruffy philistine and a talking dog. this has nothing to do with dean i just love cas very much and he was golden in the episode. mans came back from syria where he got married to the djinn quinn as part of an elaborate scam. immediately goes down to the deancave further proving that he knows where it is when even sam who lives in the bunker didn’t. they are NESTING your honour!! also dean did compare cas to scooby which is. well i don’t know what it is except for dean’s constant reframing of cas as the most endearing/dorky creature regardless of how accurate it is(n’t).

“that was the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me. and that includes the cartwright twins.” followed by cas immediately staring at him and asking “what did you do with the cartwright twins.” and dean getting flustered and stammering while he makes a hasty exit. okay. maybe don’t bring up your past sexual escapades in front of your current love interest then!!!

just! the ending with tfw working together on solving the case!! i love them very much!! wholesome content!! 

“is that an ascot?” (beat) (strokes ascot sensually) “yes.” what IS this!!!! what am i WATCHING!!! you turn into your object of desire because it’s easier than admitting your desire to yourself when you’ve been so doggedly (ha) pursuing what you’re supposed to socially acceptably desire!!!

“dean. you’re not a talking dog.” just. the voice of a man who is completely exasperated and rethinking his decision to defy heaven for this particular human. first the cartwright twins and now this?? (and yet, cas... why did you make the book you were working on a romance book. why did the killer stuffed dinosaur have to be in love. supernatural is A Show with Characters)

but also just something about. dean having aggressive homoerotic tension with fred and then wearing the ascot himself. dean comparing cas to scooby the talking dog and then acting like scooby himself. you turn yourself into the object of desire so you never have to actualize that desire outside yourself i know the rituals are intricate i KNOW it--

[anthonycrowleymoved]

alright eight minutes in and i can’t hold back time to Yell and Scream. anyway thinking about how the whole Thing is that the djinn like, puts you into your dream world where everything went perfect for you. but it’s NOT perfect for dean and you’re like wait what??? like mary’s alive and sam’s happy! like they’re both happy and that’s what dean wanted!!! but also dean’s a fuck up and has zero relationship with sam!!!! because that’s how he sees himself in his own ideal world what the fuck!!!!!! what the FUCK THAT’S SO F U C K E D!!!!! he can’t even be happy in his own fantasy world he can’t IMAGINE a world where he’s like, successful and has a good relationship with his family and everyone is alive and safe!!!!! i want to chew class why is this cw show occasionally good!!!!!

also side note i never thought about this before but the fact that john’s fucking dead in this episode - the episode where dean is like, fantasizing about his perfect life where everyone’s alive and happy - is objectively SO funny