#dissolving my friendships with women has been less dramatic than this

[foreverandalwaysvictorious]

No more men in my life. The ones already here can stay because they’ve proven they aren’t total jerk wads and if that changes I have no problem cutting them out too.

[docholligay]

Series Finale

Another release from the patreon vault: My rarely-publicly-published Au of Mystery and Shadow, my “good end” AU--this is a special piece I wrote for Jet to commemorate her finishing the anime! almost 3,00 words.

Mina put the pizzas down on the ottoman, placing some paper plates next to it. “Domino’s finest!” She walked toward the kitchen. “Hey buddy, you need a beer?”

“Love one.” Haruka called from the couch, tucking her legs under the soft blanket. “Thanks. Kimi did NOT want to go down tonight, I’m not sure what her deal was.”

“Well, you know how children are,” Michiru set down her glass and passed the champagne bottle over to Haruka, “they have a miraculous sense of whenever their parents would like to do something.”  Haruka twisted the bottle open and passed it back to her. “Thank you, my love. Rei?” She carefully poured into the glass set on the end table, “May I offer you a glass?”

“I’m taken care of.” She patted the box of Franzia next to her.

“Of course you are, I’m foolish to have asked.” Michiru tossed her hair, her voice teasing, and settled in next to Haruka on the couch.

There was a time when Rei would have blushed, and tried to imitate Michiru’s fineness, but, as it was, she grinned. “Just pass me some of those breadsticks.”

Haruka tossed the box over to her as Mina reentered the room, beers in hand. She handed one off to Haruka and plopped in the oversized beanbag next to Rei.

“I’m fascinated to see their take on this. I haven’t been watching since the turned me into an Usagi knockoff. Blonde isn’t a personality type, people.” She took a chug. “Also, why the fuck did we all have a crush on your gay ass?” She shook her head at Haruka. “Also, we were young, not idiots, I think Usagi was the only one who mistook you for a dude at first. And for like, 20 minutes tops.”

Haruka draped her arm around Michiru, who snuggled into her shoulder. “So you did watch the third season.”

“Just enough to see what they did with you. Heartthrob my ass.”

Michiru gave a careless shrug. “I never watched any of it. I never imagined it would tell the story fairly. Though,” she smiled up at Haruka, “it is true that your handsomeness is without measure.”

“AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T MAKE YOU STRAIGHT.” Rei shouted across the room.

Mina rolled her eyes. “Speaking of incapacitatingly homosexual…”

Michiru put a finger to her lips. “My children are sleeping.”

Rei reiterated in a harsh stage whisper. “At least they didn’t make you straight.”

Mina drew her arm around Rei. “Honey, you are not the only one this happened to. Like...maybe all of us. Except those two.”

“Me! With men!”

“Well you know what they say, “ she smiled, “Men are from Mars--”

“No men are not from Mars no men on Mars ever Mars hates men Mars is women’s space only Mars--”

“Rei.” Michiru called over to her. “We’re all very aware of the...she weakly waved her hand in the air, “lack of historicity involved in this production.”

“Mina, did you see the cathedral episode? They had Usagi trying to convince me not to shoot myself.” Haruka chuckled.

“Oh, did you punch her in her fucking face like you did me, or is that not a magical friendship moment?” Mina shot back.

“Oh, like you didn’t punch me in the face as soon as I got better. And no.”

“You had it coming, buddy.”

“I really did.”

“Ladies.” Michiru steeled her voice just a hair. “If we don’t start catching up, we’ll miss the finale, you know.”

Rei pressed play.

__

“THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.” Rei sat bolt-upright, which was an impressive feat in a beanbag, such was the quality of her rage.

Mina chuckled. “I didn’t really think they were gonna use my parting words of ‘earn it, assholes’ on a kid’s show.” She took a drink of her beer. “Usagi literally did cry this much though.”

Rei ignored hend continued her rant. “Where’s the battle we had with Galaxia? Where’s Mina crossing swords with her?”

Mina rolled her eyes. “Where’s my sword at all, is the real question here.”

“WE DIDN’T JUST JUMP IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING STARLIGHTS.” Rei was practically out of the beanbag now, near levitating with anger. “We fought to protect everyone, Galaxia STRUGGLED WITH US.”

“I hardly think they would be willing to express the brutality of what actually happened in a children's cartoon, Rei.” Michiru tried to reassure her. “If they even know. We are a fiction, a story, to everyone in this world except ourselves, and so they may bend it however they like, without worry of being ahistorical. I assure you, it isn’t personal.”

“Also,” Mina playfully kissed her cheek. “Shut the fuck up. You get a loving exit, I get to say,” she affected a high and mocking voice. “I have to protect important people!” she fell back into her normal range. “What kind of shitpot strategy was that? I KNOW how I fight, why would I trust it to people who’ve clearly lost before? The whole thing makes no sense.”

Rei seethed. “That’s not how it happened.”

“I was about that shocked?” Haruka tried, helpfully. “Being dissolved hurt about that bad?”

Rei looked down at her large watch. “I think I lasted longer than that.”

“That’s what they all say.” MIna playfully poked at Rei.

Rei’s face twisted up in a scowl. “That’s not what I meant, Mina!”

MIna lay on top of her. “Oh, I know that.”

“Hey!” But she laughed playfully. “Mina, I can’t see the TV.”

“Oh, you can hardly see the TV anyway, and it’s just the long legged senshi disco.” She straddled Rei. ‘I, GALAXIA, WILL GIVE YOU A GREATER CHALLENGE.” They tussled on the beanbag in their teasing, loving way.

“Ruka,” Michiru brushed back Haruka’s hair. “Are you going to be all right?”

Haruka looked at her softly.  “Yeah, I’m fine, Michi, why?”

“The next episode treads into...tender territory for you, I know.”

“Oh.” Her face fell a bit. “I forgot.” She took a deep breath. “I mean, I made peace with it, we did what we did because we thought we had to. We did have to, I guess. I don’t know. I tried my best. It was all I could think of.” She snuggled in a little closer to Michiru. “I asked for forgiveness. She forgave me, I think, somehow.” She gave a weak laugh. “I guess.”

“You don’t have to watch, Haruka.”

“I know. I’m okay.”

__

Even Rei was quiet. She wanted to argue about the unfairness of the four of them getting some kind of battle, of their struggle being made known while hers was hidden and made into another person’s moment, and yet, watching Haruka and Michiru look quietly at the screen, while the girl was meant to be Hotaru (They called her Chiyoko, and her hair was too long, but that was the least of everyone’s problems.) faded away, without a word.

Rei had not been there, and so she did not know except by rumor, but it couldn’t have been like this, a perfect emotionally convenient peace. Hotaru had been confused, and hurt, and angry, and she had continued to be so for many, many, years.

Haruka and Michiru held each other quietly, bearing witness to the terrible honesty of what they had done. Of course that was the part they got right.

Children had a gift for many things, and timing would always be chief among them, as the girls heard the small patter of a child heading down the stairs.

“Mama? Papa?” MA crept into the living room. “Can I have some juice?”

She looked so little there, standing in the light of the foyer, the light behind her casting a shadow across her face. Michiru and Haruka sat still for a moment, trapped in the space between their past and their present, where demons, however captured, still called from the basement.

Michiru was the first to move, noting her daughter’s confused expression. “Sweetheart, we don’t often have juice after we go to bed, you know.” She walked toward her, extending her hand, “But I’m certain we can find something acceptable to both of us, can’t we?”

“Uh huh.” She nodded and took Michiru’s hand in hers, as they walked toward the kitchen together.

It was only when they disappeared from the kitchen that Haruka seemed to regain herself, and wiped at her face for a moment before pulling over her chair and following them into the kitchen.

“I think a cheese stick and a glass of water is an excellent compromise, my darling.” Michiru was knelt at MA’s level. “Much less sugar and twice as delicious.” She handed MA a cheese stick. “Now, let’s go back up to bed. I’ll tuck you back in.”

They turned, and nearly ran into Haruka, who reached out and stroked MA’s hair sadly.

“You know Papa would never, ever kill you, right, honeybee?”

MA looked up into Haruka’s tear-filled eyes, confused. “Yes?” Her tone suggested she had never considered something otherwise until Haruka had asked the question. Her eyes became her mother’s for a moment as she patterned out Haruka’s emotions. “Papa are you okay?”

Haruka nodded and tried to collect herself. “The show we’re watching made me sad. It’s okay.”

“Like when Mufasa dies.” MA nodded sagely.

“Like when Mufasa dies.”

She reached out and patted Haruka’s knee reassuringly. “It’s just a story, Papa.”

“I know.” Haruka leaned forward and gathered MA into her lap, hugging her tightly.  “When you’re older sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.” She kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry, baby, you go on to bed.”

She slid off Haruka’s lap and took Michiru’s hand to go upstairs, Michiru reassuringly running her hand over Haruka’s shoulders as she passed.

Haruka wheeled back into the living room and sighed heavily, letting herself coast toward the couch. She paused for a moment, lost in her own thoughts, trying to pick them apart the way she’d been taught in therapy, trying to give herself the love and forgiveness she afforded Michiru.

She felt a gentle rub on her back and looked up to see Mina standing by her side. “Your kid definitely has your sense of the dramatic moment, Haruka.”

Haruka gave a chuckle. “I guess she does.” She closed her eyes and took a deep, slow breath in, and slowly let it out. “I’m doing alright.” She nodded. “I’m not the worst thing I’ve ever done.” She set the brake on her chair and transferred herself to the couch, flopping back on it dramatically.

There was a beat. “Buddy, that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever done. Remember when you bought that pink and yellow sweater?”

Haruka laughed.

__

The sound of her hand connecting with Usagi’s cheek rang across the den as Michiru poured herself a cocktail in the dining room.

“You slapped Usagi?” Rei’s eyes were fierce, even with their slight cloudiness.

Haruka held her hands up in the air. ‘Ten years ago! To save the world!”

Mina took a drink of her beer. “Should have said they made it up. You’re in for it now.”

Haruka held out her hands to Rei, as if to appease her. “I didn’t know how else to make her believe it! It wasn’t my first choice, Rei!”

She set down her glass of wine. “You slapped Usagi! I AM GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS.”

Haruka pointed aggressively to the screen. “LOOK I’M BEATING UP SEIYA NOW LET’S WATCH THAT IT’S GRE--”

Whether it was the irritation of her misrepresentation, the fact that Haruka had slapped Usagi ten years ago, the idea that it even had to get that far, the bottle of wine in her stomach, or all four things, Rei Hino was no longer having any of Haruka’s excuses, and voiced her disapproval of past Haruka’s choices being presently animated on the TV screen by leaping on top of her and reaching for her neck.

Haruka held her tight in a hug, her arms pinned to her sides. “You know I, um, I have a lot more upper body strength than you? I literally spend my whole day--OW!” She jumped as Rei dug her teeth in Haruka’s shoulder. “GODDAMN!”

Rei whirled like a crocodile and dumped them both onto the floor, Haruka still holding her close.

“Rei, it's not really winning if you beat up a cripple.”  Mina called over her shoulder.

“MINA YOU’RE NOT HELPING.” Haruka struggled to keep Rei pinned against her.

“Wasn’t trying to.”

“REI IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO.” Haruka tried to flip Rei onto her back, but she sprang off her back foot and fell back on top off Haruka.

“YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HELD RESPONSIBLE.”

Michiru strolled back into the living room, drink in hand. “If either of you wake the children, you’ll be responsible for lulling them back to sleep, I hope you know.”

“Michiru, help!” Haruka struggled against Rei.

Michiru sat at the end of the couch. “Is there not some statute of limitations in play, given that Haruka did die for the cause, after it all, and also given that she still bears the scars of her devotion to her princess.”

“No!” Rei growled, still squirming.

“Well, I tried.” She sipped her cocktail.

“MICHIRU.” Haruka looked at her, wide-eyed.

Rei went limp in her grasp, suddenly. “Okay. You win. I give up. You’re right, this is childish.”

“Thank you.” Haruka released her and relaxed against the hardwood.

She was taking a cleansing breath when there was a sharp smack across her face. “OW! Fuck, Rei.”

“I WAS ONLY PRETENDING YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT WELL.” She stood up, hands on her hips, satisfied.

Haruka closed her eyes and laid back on the floor. “I’m too old for this.”

Rei marched back over to the beanbag and sat next to Mina. “Justice is finally served.”

Mina nodded. “Good job, fireball, you sure showed animated Haruka.”

Michiru set down her cocktail. “Haruka, do you need some assistance?”

“Naw.” She rolled onto her side. “I got it.” Her eyes caught the TV screen, where she and Michiru lay fading from life, and she gave a soft frown. She had heard you couldn’t remember pain, not really, but there was something about watching it happen in front of her, more graceful than she remembered it being, less like a thousand tiny pieces of her blinking and dying each second, the pin-prick holes in her body flowing with pain.

Michiru sat next to her, and slipped her hand into Haruka’s. Their eyes met, expressing what might have been a hundred comforting words.

At least, it might have been if Rei hadn’t have checked her watch and immediately started screaming about how Michiru and Haruka got more time to die than she did and this was ridiculous and unfair and unnecessary.

__

“Did any of this even happen? Asking for a friend.” Mina snacked on a last bite of cold pizza, Rei’s head on her shoulder, drunkenly half-snoozing.

Haruka stretched back against the arm of the couch. “I don’t know, we were all dead at the time.”

“Lucky us, this is garbage.” She shook her head. “This is how Galaxia should have destroyed planets, if I have to listen to these nerds whine about their goddamn planet one more time I’ll kill myself, Galaxia doesn’t even have to do anything.”

“I feel kinda bad for them, is that weird?”

Michiru’s eyebrow raised. “I know you and Seiya have made peace after all these years, but yes, I say that comes as a shock.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Haruka motioned toward the pizza and looked at Mina pitifully, who edged the box toward her, trying not to disturb Rei. “I think they were still whiny and annoying and pathetic.” Michiru leaned forward and handed her the pizza box, which she accepted gratefully. “But I mean...they had some more going on than Seiya’s crush on Usagi. I don’t remember it being like...everything?”

Michiru smiled and teasingly ruffled Haruka’s hair. “Perhaps because mainly you spent your time concerned she had a crush on me.”

Mina extended her hand to the TV in disbelief. “Oh, we just had to tell Sailor Moon to believe in herself, why didn’t I think of that! Classic tactical mistake.”

Rei stirred. “What’d I miss?”

“Fucking nothing, let me tell you what.”

__

A commercial for potato chips was on-screen, happily singing about crunching and flavor.

Mina sat up from her beanbag nest. “I can’t believe it’s been ten fucking years. And eight since, you know,” she gestured broadly to the three of them, “everyone but me got hurt.” There was a small note of guilt and hurt in her voice, the way there always was when she spoke of it, and Rei touched her shoulder lovingly.

“Usagi didn’t get hurt. Because of you. So, we did what we were supposed to.” Her voice took on that tender tone it rarely took on in public, the one that reassured Mina in the dark.

Mina nodded half heartedly. “I guess.” Rei kissed Mina softly, and drew her close.

“Rei. Mina.” Michiru motioned to them. “Come sit over here, with us.”

They looked at each other, and smiled, linking arms as they made their way over to the couch.

“C’mon.” Haruka scooted herself over as much as she could. “We started this together, and we’ll finish it together.”  

They shared a look as the commercial began to dim, the colors fading from the screen, a sense of possibility and memory filling the room, the people they were and could have been like ghosts.

“Are you ready?” Haruka asked no one in particular.

“Ready.” Mina nodded.

The four of them snuggled together on the couch, and heard the music come up for the last time.

Makenai.  

[kashmiresims]

Unexpected Turn

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Nick decided to try his luck with Tara again. Fortunately, she must have liked him a little better than her sorority sisters because she agreed to meet up with him for dancing and drinks while the rest seemed to have shunned him for going rogue on the Greek Society. 

If he was as good as he thought he was with the ladies, then he’d have her back at his place by the end of the night, and on his own terms—not with the effects of Torporia to aid him.

“I’ll be right back,” Tara announced, pointing toward the powder room.

Nick smiled and halted his movement, taking a drink from the beer in his hand, “Don’t keep me waiting too long.”

She only rolled her eyes playfully. 

He fell to the back of the dance floor and leaned against a wall, taking in the sight of what everyone else was doing, glancing between the dancers and the people at the bar. The joint was packed though and it was more than a bit humid inside.

His concentration was disturbed when someone bumped into his elbow--a woman on her way out from the same powder room that Tara had just entered. He spilled a bit of beer from his bottle and looked at her with an inconvenienced frown but it lifted as soon as he saw who she was. 

He was struck with disbelief at first, but it was momentary. He didn’t expect to see her at a place like this but there was no question it was Illyana Sanchez, the girl who had once been his very best friend. He took a step closer to her and leaned forward with a familiar smirk playing at his lips.

"How many years has it been?” 

It took her a moment to recognize him as her wide eyes roamed over his features like she was putting a puzzle together.

It had been four.  

"Not enough, Nicholas," she replied coolly, finally discerning his identity. Apparently, she hadn't forgotten their last encounter when he yelled at her for no perceived reason.

"Do you go to to SSU?" he asked, trying to determine why she would be at this place. 

"I don't—just driving through and getting drinks with Alarie on the way back to Isla Del Kashmire."

He looked around and failed to see Alarie in the vicinity, "Where's Alarie?"

"She left with Rafael awhile ago," Illyana admitted. Nick felt a bit bummed that he had missed seeing the one decent bro from his old frat.

"So what are you doing these days? Why are you passing through?" He asked.

"Don't stand there and pretend we're old pals, Nick. You've made it clear that we aren't," she said as her brows plunged into a deep frown and she brushed past him.

He caught her arm to halt her, "Ill..."

"Stop," she bit harshly and stared forward, "Why don't you go back to pretending that I don't exist? It's worked well so far."  

She gave her arm a vicious tug that made him release his hold and she disappeared into the crowd without a backward glance. He looked down at his bottle of beer and felt a lump of regret form in his chest. He’d wondered about how she was doing these past years, but never had the courage to reach out because he had been such a shitty friend to her—selfish, presumptuous, inattentive, arrogant, and a whole bunch of other undesirable adjectives he’d tried to recognize and change in himself since then. She didn't deserve any of that. The fact was, that after that night, he had thought himself unworthy of her friendship and that's why he removed himself from her life. Of course, she couldn't have known his reasons and would only interpret his avoidance as pretending she didn't exist. She could be dramatic like that. 

But seeing her sparked something in him, he wanted to try again—to prove he was worthy of her friendship and show her that he was a better person now.

Tara returned from the powder room then and gave him a sultry kiss, before pulling him back to the dance floor. It was a good enough distraction to keep his thoughts from wandering back to Illyana and stewing too long.

The DJ was on a roll with the house mix. One fast song after another and the beat thrummed through the bodies of the patrons  The lights and noise were enough to get dizzy, but the drinks were not enough to get fuzzy. Nick had built up too much of an alcohol tolerance from so much house parties.

"Having fun yet?" Tara asked, twisting her pelvis even closer to Nick to match his idle shifting that was supposed to be a dance while he half-pondered what needed to be done to get another fight night rolling. There had been double the amount of people at the second event—and if that trend kept going then he’d have his tuition ready in time to pay it all back and avoid getting kicked out of college.

In reply to Tara’s question, Nick downed his beer, wiggled it to gesture he was empty and going to get another. Tara made a tepid pout but continued to dance without him. He edged his way through the throng of people toward the bar, laying his empty bottle on the surface and then looked around to catch the attention of the bartender.

He spied Illyana leaning against the bar down at the other side; some guy was suggestively flirting with her, his back turned on Nick’s vantage. Illyana seemed to like the attention; she was smiling, her eyes weren't their usual brightness but a bit sleepy-looking, and her posture was a little slumped.

When she reached for her drink, her hand made a few grabs at the air before settling on her glass. 

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked.

"Another beer," Nick momentarily stopped studying Illyana and requested. He snuck a few real simoleons into the tip jar and the bartender whisked the empty bottle away, uncapped the new one and handed it to Nick. Nick lifted his chin in thanks and took a drink.

He nearly spit it out as he turned back to observe Illyana and saw none other than Marshall Cosgrove drape his arm around her waist and pull her a little closer, whispering something into her ear. 

Knowing Marshall's skeevy ways, he had probably slipped some Torporia into Illyana's drink. Nick clenched the neck of his beer bottle in anger at the thought of Marshall doing that to her. Their close proximity didn't help diminish his suspicions either. If he still knew anything about Illyana, it was that she had a low tolerance for being grabbed by people she didn’t know, and Nick doubted she knew Marshall in any capacity because if she had, he would have been the recipient of one of her infamous grudges by now—on account of Cosgrove being such a raging asshole.

"Hey!" he felt a hand clasp his around his arm and turned to see that Tara had gotten bored on the dance floor and had come over to find him.

"Hey," he replied, putting his arm around her shoulders while giving another glance to Marshall and Illyana before focusing on Tara again.

"Are you tired of dancing already?"

He gave a shrug of one shoulder and looked at the pair again, it was obvious he was distracted and his earlier cheeriness had been taken down a notch. 

“Have you had enough drinks to tell me what happened after you left your frat?” Tara asked and curiosity was brimming in her voice. 

Nick cracked a grin and held up his beer, “I’m only on my second. It takes more than that to get me to spill secrets.”

Marshall suddenly threw his head back in a loud, obnoxious, laugh and Illyana was popping giggle after giggle at one of his lame jokes. The sound directed Nick’s attention back to them and it was almost painful to watch how bad at flirting they were.

"Buy me a drink then?" Tara suggested and Nick flagged the bartender down again, leaving it to Tara to order what she wanted. He absently held out a wad of cash for the bartender to take, not bothering to count it. What was the point? It was mostly counterfeit anyway.

Nick's glare drew Marshall's attention. Marshall gave him a smug grin, silently taunting him. Why? Then it happened. In a move that to anyone observing, just looked as if Marshall was putting his arm around Illyana again, he stealthily dropped something small into her drink without her notice. She picked it up a moment later.

Without considering the consequences, Nick gave a shout of warning and shoved a few patrons out of the way before slapping the glass out of Illyana's hand. It shattered when it hit the ground and a few drops of the drink began to soak into Illyana's shoes. She made a cry of protest and vacated the spot quickly.

"What's wrong with you, Calhoun?" Marshall feigned outrage but Nick knew he was just goading him at this point. There was no way he was going to be able to prove that Marshall had drugged the drink when the evidence was dissolved in the spill now spreading across the tiles with a hundred shards of glass in between.

"How many pills have you given her?" Nick demanded. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Marshall smirked and lied.  He had no idea of Nick and Illyana’s past, much less that they knew each other. To Nick’s best guess, the asshole just wanted to prove to him he could keep on drugging women and Nick’s little tantrum of leaving the Greek Society was in vain. Nick loathed violence but in that moment he wanted nothing more than to cause Marshall inexplicable pain.

Nick grabbed Marshall by the front of his shirt and jerked him forward, he was nearly a head shorter and Nick could easily pummel him if he didn't mind getting slapped with an assault charge and prosecuted by the finest lawyers, "How many?"

Marshall still had on a self-assured grin as he replied quietly, "What does it matter? She'll have her clothes off in less than an hour."

Nick felt absolute and utter rage fill him, and he probably would have hit Marshall right in his smug little face if not for the feel of a pathetic attempt of a punch to his arm—a familiar coiled fist aimed right for his bicep which would have been downright painful if she had been sober.

"You. Always. Ruin. Everything." Illyana said angrily, punctuating each word with a hit to his arm.

Plumbobs, she didn’t have the slightest clue to the situation she could have found herself in if Nick hadn’t intervened. How dare Alarie leave Illyana and Marshall alone together, where was that woman’s sense?

"Shall we visit the Nest of Vipers?" Nick ignored Illyana and suggested in a low acidic tone that only Marshall could hear. Marshall seemed to immediately understand the implication and held his hands up in surrender and only then did Nick release the vile and cowardly fraternity president.

Obviously, word about the Nest of Vipers had traveled around significantly since the first night, just as Cain had predicted. Not only that, but its violent reputation. Not surprising, considering some of the Greek Society had been present at each fight night. They were all horrible gossips.

Illyana was still attempting to punch Nick’s arm; her fists had unraveled quite a bit and didn't pack any kind of bruising potential he was used to. He caught her next punch in his hand, and led her away, at least to where it was quieter and cooler. They emerged outside and Nick tried distancing them from the bar and from Marshall especially, now that he knew Illyana was drugged.

She didn't struggle much, but she dragged her feet in wordless protest. He just needed a moment to explain to her what was happening.

"Illyana..." he took a breath and faced her as soon as they were far enough away, but her opposite fist caught him in the side of the head. Startled, he let her go and watched as she attempted to run back toward the joint. She stumbled and tripped, then rolled across the sidewalk until she was laying on the flat of her back.

He rubbed his head in the spot where she had hit him—it wasn’t a painful blow my any means but he still didn’t expect it. He jogged to catch up until he was standing over her. To his dismay, he saw that she was crying! Her makeup was running down her face and leaving mascara trails. Since when did she wear make up? The last time he'd seen her cry was in the third grade when Trent Ziegler threw away her valentine. She probably still had a grudge about that too.

He assumed she had hurt herself on the concrete and that's why she was blubbering but when he asked her if she was all right he was surprised to find she was crying for a different reason altogether.

"I was having fun for once and you..you...ruined it," she choked with despair.

"He drugged you," Nick snapped, "Would you find it fun if he took advantage of you? You wouldn't even remember it!"

She closed her eyes and continued to sniffle out tears. He realized, in his anger, he was scolding her and that wouldn’t help anything. This wasn’t the way to get through to her. 

Nick rubbed his temple some more and looked away while mumbling, "You probably won't even remember this conversation." 

"Will too!" She responded in obstinate tears, having overheard.  

He almost smirked at her familiar stubbornness but instead held out his hand, still doubtful of her claim, "How do you feel?"

"Like I hate you," she sat up and wiped at her eyes, glowering, and refusing to take his hand again.

"Come on, don't be like that," he gently chided and wrapped his arm around her midsection to lift her into a stand. She put her weight on him in objection but lost the battle when both her feet were planted firmly on the ground.

"I'll call you a cab," he pulled out his phone and started swiping through it to look for the number. He felt a melancholy tightness in his chest at hearing her say that she hated him. However, he knew he deserved it—how could he hope for anything better from the way he had acted in the past?

"Nick," he heard her say his name. Her tone had lost all ferocity and it caused him to look at her in concern. She leaned into his arm and looked up at him, "Why aren't we friends anymore?"

He gazed into her half-lidded eyes and felt déjà vu because she was echoing a question he once posed to her. Her answer made him realize just how conceited and immature he could be—just how much like his father he could be.  

"Because I ruin everything," he said in a despondent tone after a moment of consideration.

The memories weren't a good enough excuse anymore. She had been his best friend when they were children but they both had changed too much; those times had passed and all the nostalgia in the world couldn't be the foundation that held a friendship together. He just needed to be a better person.

The phone was ringing.

"Hello, Kashmire Taxi Service, where are you headed?" the customer service rep asked on the other end of the line.

"Hi there, I need a lift from the Endless Blue Lounge..." Nick began but a weight slumped into his side and he nearly dropped his phone to catch Illyana, "Sorry one moment!"

She was suddenly dead weight in his arms, "Illyana!"

In his attempt to try and regain balance, he accidentally hung up on the Taxi Service and cursed.

"Illyana!" He called her name again, giving her a hard shake and worried stare, "Are you all right?"

Her eyes flew open, panicked and wide, darting around as if she had forgotten where she was until she looked right in front of her and saw his face.

"I can't rem...remember," she said, her eyelids gradually falling to that same languished state while her speech became sluggish.

He couldn't put her in a taxi like this.  

"Give me Alarie's number. I'll have her come get you," Nick said.

"I cabnt rebember," Illyana repeated, though it was less enunciated, swaying and patting herself down and seeming unable to find her cell phone.

"Did you leave it at the bar?" He asked with slight exasperation and also a growing sense of anxiety at seeing how horribly discombobulated Torporia could render someone. Technically he’d been under it’s influence before, most of the frat and it’s guests had to have been when Marshall started adding it to the party drinks but Nick didn’t remember being so out of it that he lost motor functions. Maybe it just affected people differently and Illyana, unfortunately had the worst of it and he still didn’t know how much Marshall had given to her. 

"I-cbt rrrmber," she said thrice and seemed to give up and turn in a wobbly, disoriented circle, her voice ever softer and downright incoherent.

He wasn't about to go put her in a car and drive her himself. For one, he didn’t have a car, and secondly, he'd had more than a few—not enough to be wasted but over the limit for legal driving. He shouldered her weight and said, "Okay. Fine. Crash at my place until this junk wears off."

The house was only six blocks away and it was with immense difficulty that he was able to help Illyana walk and stumble her way down the street while she clung onto his arm and mumbled words he couldn’t understand because they were so slurred. After two and a half blocks of that, he gave up and just hauled her onto his back to carry her the rest of the way.  

When they entered, the lights were on, signaling Orion and Cypress were either home or had left and assumed the other would shut off the lights. Nick erred on the side of caution and tried to be as quiet as possible. That goal was shattered once he tried to let Illyana down and she fell to the floor onto her rear with a grunt of protest. No movement was heard from upstairs. Orion and Cypress were gone for the night after all.

Nick went straight to the kitchen to get her some water, to at least and try to help flush the drugs out of her system. When he returned to the living room with a glass of it in hand he was shocked to find Illyana was stripping out of her clothes.

"What are you...?" he asked in alarm but trailed off, blinking several times as his brain processed the sight of her colorful, rainbow heart-shaped patterned panties.

"Toooooohaww," she whined and pulled her shirt over her head to reveal a supportive white midriff tank top and some kind of hybrid-dragonfly tattoo inked onto her waist. The movement also loosened her braid and her hair started to uncurl into dark wavy locks. Nick didn't know what to do in this situation but when she started trying to tug her tank top off, he bolted forward and pushed her into a sitting position on the couch which interrupted her process.  

"Here, drink this—it will cool you off," he instructed and swallowed to rid the sudden tightness in his throat among other places, trying to avoid staring at her half-unclothed figure as she took the glass of water and started guzzling it. He decided that studying the bookshelves across the room would be less troublesome.

When he started out the night he knew he'd have a girl back at his place, but he didn't expect it to be in this particular circumstance and Illyana to be the one. He didn’t expect to be involved with Torporia anymore.

He'd have to apologize ten-fold to Tara for leaving her at the bar, that is if she'd ever speak to him again. He had abandoned her and left with another woman. Plumbobs, he realized that must have looked really bad.

He decided to text her real quick:

Sorry! Had an emergency!

A second later she replied: 

Drop dead u jerk!

He sighed. Hoping for any more chances with her was pushing his luck.

Illyana took his hand and jiggled it before placing the glass back into it. A signal that she wanted more. He wasted no time walking back to the kitchen to fill it up. He frowned while thinking, hypothesizing that her increased body temperature could have been a sort of secondary side-effect of the drug.  A person would certainly start trying to take their clothing off faster if they weren't comfortable in them and didn't have the mind to keep them on.

Then it struck him just how those dots connected.

That was the answer to why Marshall knew she'd be out of her clothes within the hour.

What utter scum. He really should have hit that little shit when he had the chance. The least he could do was report the guy to the authorities and have an investigation opened. He never did in the first place because he thought it was futile—Marshall being from one of the most affluent and influential families in the region. But for Illyana’s sake, and any other past or future victim of the drug at Marshall’s hands, Nick would call first thing in the morning and get it done.

When Nick arrived back in the living room he found that Illyana was passed out in an awkward angle on the couch. He sighed and set the water on the coffee table. He couldn't leave her here like this. What would she think? 

After a few unsuccessful tries to shake her awake, Nick carefully shoveled his arms beneath Illyana and lifted her. She was more manageable when she wasn't obstinately working against him. He carried her up the stairs and delivered her into his bed, trying to shift her into a position that looked somewhat comfortable, before stuffing a few of the pillows underneath her head. That movement resulted in some of her long mess of hair to fall into her face.  

He sat on the edge of the mattress and brushed the loose strands back; his hands lingered there for a moment and ended up cupping her face to study it in its rare state of stillness.

Damn.  

Illyana was really...beautiful.

She looked like some kind of sleeping princess with her sooty lashes and sun-kissed complexion, not to mention those full lips of hers that had him wondering just how kissable they really were. A princess could always use a Prince Charming and he did after all, have a lot of charm.

He began to lean forward, drawing his face closer to hers but then stopped himself, his smirk melting into a dark frown. He’d absolutely be no better than Cosgrove if he went through with it—just another asshole who only cared about himself. He felt deeply ashamed for even considering such a move while she wasn’t conscious and pulled back with a sigh—it proved that even after all these years, he wasn’t a better person after all.

He noticed that there was still a flush in her cheeks and that she felt warmer than normal so he left her uncovered and cracked the window open, hoping that the night air would continue to cool her. The Torporia would wear off and she would be fine come morning. For now, she just needed rest so the drug could get through her system.

He gave one last look to the sleeping beauty before grabbing his pajama bottoms, shutting the door behind him, and leaving her in peace.

[pixieauthoress]

Did you know that Jason Momoa’s first movie appearance (after he made his debut in Baywatch) was in the 2003 Lifetime movie, Tempted? No? Well, it’s a good thing @momoejaku​ and I spent our afternoon/evening watching this amazing film on YouTube so that I could review it in all of its glory. Yes, this was totally a sensible way to spend my evening. No, I really shouldn’t be editing my novel. Thanks for asking. 

But, I mean, why wouldn’t you want to watch a low-budget movie from the early 00s in which young Jason Momoa hooks up with a middle aged tourist with a white saviour complex who is going through a midlife crisis? That kind of film totally has a universal appeal.

We went into this film knowing nothing more than the plot description on YouTube: “A married woman becomes attracted to a young man after she takes the ashes of her nanny to Hawaii.” It’s a little more complicated than that. Okay, a lot. There’s a lot of drama in this movie.

Let’s start with the font used for the credits in this movie. I’m pretty sure this was the default calligraphy font on MS Word back in the day? I totally used this font for a the headings on a bunch of my primary school projects. 

Emma, our heroine, lives in Boston, and literally every shot set in Boston features snow, in order to contrast the sunny, carefree lives of Hawaiians with the cold, sterile, boring life Emma is living in Boston.

We’re presented with our first-shot of Emma--a busy woman who balances making smoothies (people in Hawaii eat fresh fruit; those in Boston blend it into fancy smoothies) with making serious phone calls about legal matters. Her hair is always up in Boston. This is significant. 

We meet Emma’s kids--a cute geeky kid called Neil (or Neal? I’m not sure, the subtitles were super inconsistent) and a rebellious teen called Jamie. Were blonde streaks rebellious in 2003? Was it really that hard to find a teenage actress who was willing to dye her hair purple or another whacky colour? She wears band tees and lots of black and gets annoyed when her mom won’t let her talk to her boyfriend, Scott, on the phone at breakfast. At one point it’s mentioned that her parents don’t approve of her piercings, but where are they? They must be somewhere super controversial since they’re never visible in the film.

We meet Eddie (I think it’s Eddie? He’s super forgettable, so let’s just go with Eddie), the husband for whom Emma was making that smoothie. Look at what an attentive wife she is, finding time to make fresh smoothies (I mean, it’s not like something like this existed in 2003) on top of working and preventing her daughter from speaking on the phone with her boyfriend! And look at Eddie, totally not paying attention to Emma’s awesomeness by telling her he has to work late again, meaning she has to look after the kids again. I mean, I get it. My husband has gone on three work trips in the last six weeks and I’m tired of being the sole carer of our kid during that time, but this is basically the only aggravating thing Eddie does in this scene? IN SPITE OF THIS, @momoejaku shouted “Throw that smoothie at him and go to Hawaii to find Jason!” Smooth, @momoejaku. He also doesn’t know where his jacket is (in the closet, duh) so he’s pretty useless. 

Casual reminder that Emma is living this boring, smoothie-filled life in a BIG CITY. So unlike Hawaii. 

We spent just long enough at Emma’s office to learn that she’s a paralegal with a ton of legal knowledge that goes totally unappreciated by her boss, who is seriously overworking her. None of the old white guys in Emma’s life appreciate her enough. On the plus side, she does stand up to her boss, but gets shot down. She tries. We appreciated her attempt to stick it to the man!

While at her office, she gets the call about her nanny (Lily) dying. She’s super sad. She mentions to her assistant (or whoever the other guy in her office is) that Lily raised her. At this point I assumed this was just a standard “rich white girl is raised by a nanny so her mom and dad can do other stuff” scenario, but having watched the entire film I’m wondering if she grew up without a mom? The details are super vague.

Emma goes to Lily’s apartment (presumably? again, vague) and reads a letter Lily conveniently left out for her. Lily never told her she was sick and apologises for this, and talks about how wonderful it was to raise Emma. We see lots of pictures of the two of them, proving their beautiful bond, etc. Emma is sad and sniffs Lily’s scarf or something. There’s emotional music.

Eddie comes home and strips while talking about his day and we’re just like, um, no, where’s Jason? Emma tells him about Lily’s death and how bad she feels that she didn’t know she was sick, and her husband is just like “Meh, friendships change”. She tells him about Lily’s desire (as expressed in the letter) for Emma to take her ashes to Hawaii to be scattered and take part in some traditional ritual (which I can’t spell because, again, inconsistent subs) and he brushes off the idea because Emma works 10-hour days and he’s busy putting up a building (is he an architect? again, super vague details here) and who would look after the kids? Basically: Eddie is a bit of a douche, Emma deserves better. 

Emma is watering a plant and then there’s vaguely ghostly music and she’s taken back to a pretty memory of her and Lily making leis together. From this scene I assumed that she grew up in Hawaii, but was later proven wrong. 

Emma shouts at her teenage daughter for staying in bed on a weekend, instead of joining them for family pancake breakfast. I think we’re supposed to think the daughter is super rebellious, but all she’s done is sleep in, listen to loud music (which neither me or @momoejaku​ could hear on the YouTube version of the film?) and own an awesome poster that says Darkside Skateboards. As in, evil jedis ride them? We both want Darkside Skateboards. Anyway, it’s hard parenting such a rebellious (?) teen. Poor Emma. Domesticity is hard. After this supposedly dramatic scene, Emma takes her wicker laundry basket (seriously, people own wicker laundry baskets? Was this an early 00s thing?) into her bedroom and has another (kind of sensualised?) flashback about Lily teaching her to dance.

A delivery guy drops of Lily’s ashes and Eddie has totally forgotten they were arriving, and the kids are like “Eww, her remains are in there? Like her bones and stuff? That’s gross” and I don’t understand how they’ve got to that age without knowing how cremation works? Emma is upset by their disrespect for Lily (who they apparently didn’t know all that well, given their apathy to all of this) and announces that she’s taking Lily home to Hawaii. We cheer and @momoejaku​ shouts “JASON!” This has been a loooooong 12 minutes of making sure we know just how boring Emma’s life is, how under-appreciated she is, and how much she misses Lily.

Emma arrives in Hawaii and we finally get to see BABY JASON! He steps out his truck wearing one of the many, many tank-tops he sports in this movie. We’re fairly certain his contract stated that he had to show off his biceps in literally every scene. Not that we’re complaining or anything. He’s pretty skinny, in spite of the bicep thing? He introduces himself as Lily’s nephew, Kala, and his voice is super deep and we spent time pondering how weird this is, but then it’s fine for the rest of the movie so maybe he just had a cold? Maybe something went wrong with the recording? We’re not sure. Send us your theories. Anyway, verdict so far: Baby Jason is adorable.

So, YouTube subbed “Lily’s Emma?” as “They’ll eat salmon” and I had to show you all. Anyway, it’s revealed that everyone knows who Emma is, in spite of the fact that she’s never been to Hawaii, and everyone knows Lily too. Baby Jason explains that it’s a “small island, no secrets” and seriously, if you plan to drink while watching this film, you should do a shot any time someone says that line. Hawaii is tiny y’all and Emma is a celeb, obvs. 

YouTube interpreted “I’m driving” as “I’m drugged” but I like the idea that Baby Jason was high for the entirety of this film a lot better. There’s cute-ish car-driving banter, Jason reveals he knows tons about Emma’s life while she has no idea who he is? And he quips about the “small island, no secrets” thing again—which suggests that it’s really not the best place to have an affair with your nanny’s nephew? Maybe this is all foreshadowing.

Jason drops Emma off at Lily’s house (which she didn’t know existed) and nothing really eventful happens except WET BICEPS ZOMG.

Emma wanders around outside the next morning taking in the views of Hawaii for like five entire minutes, until Jason happens to come along and see her in her PJs, OMG SCANDAL. Unlike what the subtitles suggest, he came from his “mother’s old house” across the way, not his “mother’s old ass”. @momoejaku​ literally had to pause the movie because she dissolved into a fit of laughter for three whole minutes at this point. This film is worth watching just for the bad subs alone. Also her HAIR IS DOWN. SHE IS FREE AND LIBERATED.

She goes to Jason’s mom’s house for breakfast and practically faints at how much Jason’s mom looks like Lily, and his mom is like “Duh, I’m her sister.” Then she admits she doesn’t normally eat breakfast and Jason legit says “You do now” because independent have-it-all women like Emma just love it when men romantically tell them how to eat. But, like, he looks super hot drinking coffee and HIS HAIR (we spent a lot of time discussing his luscious hair) and his biceps are out again? So we don’t blame Emma for eating breakfast to impress Jason.

Emma is like “I’ve never seen so many flowers” and Jason is legit like “It’s a flower farm”. Jason talks about how successful the business is then his mom gives him his lunchbox before he goes to work, suddenly making him slightly less attractive. We have no idea how old he’s supposed to be. 18? 30? Either way he should be capable of making his own lunch. His mom talks about the problems with evil white developers wanting to build on some land that affects the water to the flower farm, and Emma asks them if they have a lawyer and obviously they can’t afford one (even though Jason explained how well the farm was doing literally a minute ago?) so Emma volunteers to be the White Saviour and help them, for free—this providing a reason for her to spend more time in Hawaii with Baby Jason.

They go to the home of the other owner of the farm, Julia, to get papers for Emma to look over and Jason’s mom (her name is Kehau, I should really use it more) says something vague about how Julia had a hard life and means well. Julia is like “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” and Jason’s mom is like “She’s going to help us!” and we assumed this was just a standard “we don’t want help from white people” thing, but later plot stuff reveals SECRET DRAMA. So this scene is more relevant than I thought at the time.

Emma checks out Jason in the side-mirror of Julia’s car as they drive somewhere for plot reasons.

Emma and Kehau talk about the ritual that Lily wanted her to complete, which is something about talking until each person forgives. Emma is confused by what this means, and Kehau tells her that Julia is Emma’s real mother, and says something about Emma’s father being a cold man. Emma is adamant that he wasn’t—like, seriously, you’re a grown woman and you still think your father is perfect? How is this possible? Isn’t everyone disillusioned about the awesomeness of their parents by the time they’re 12? Anyway, DRAMA TIME. Emma storms off in disbelief. @momoejaku​ proclaims that she knew something like this would happen, while I’m just wondering where Jason comes into the plot.

At this point, we’re still confused about whether Emma was raised to believe someone other than Julia was her mother, or if she was just told her mother was dead? This is genuinely never explained.

Emma calls her husband to say she’s coming home early. Jason shows up while Emma is stomping around the forest and she asks him if he knew about Julia being her mom and he’s like “small island, no secrets” SO DRINK UP GUYS. Apparently everyone knows.

Emma has a weird flashback dream about smashing some glass sculpture and Lily comforting her/disciplining her? I don’t know. We were confused by what this scene meant. @momoejaku​ had some theory about the significance of something smashing and Emma’s boundaries breaking down? Very analytical. I have an English degree and even I was lost for ideas. Emma calls her husband to stay she’s staying. She’s very indecisive. This appears to be Emma’s theme.

WET HAIR AND BICEPS. I mean, yeah, Jason is fishing and comforts Emma and is totally chilled and understanding about how she treated him like a dick the previous day when he had nothing to do with her issues. She says she feels betrayed to know that her mother was alive all these years (aha! So she was told her mom was dead. Finally, this is making more sense) and he’s like “You don’t have to deal with this right now, or tomorrow, just chill and spend time with the ocean” and she’s like “Is that the Hawaiian way?” and he’s like, “More like the Kala way” because that’s his name, in case you forgot. We just called him Jason for the entire film. Sorry if this review is confusing.

Julia attempts to talk to Emma and she’s like “I don’t want to know you, EVER” because apparently she’s 13 and just assuming that it’s all Julia’s fault, and that her rich, white, privileged father couldn’t possibly have had a part in this? We see that Julia hung on to trinkets from her time as Emma’s mom. Emma seems like a total dick.

The costume department obviously ran out of tank tops because Jason is wearing a shirt with sort-of sleeves! There’s banter and he makes a comment about her being a poor swimmer? I think this is relevant later? He checks her out, because apparently young, hot Hawaiian dudes have a thing for stuck-up middle-aged white women.

There’s some boring plot stuff that I’m not going to bother screenshotting. Eddie has to work late and trusts Jamie to look after things (ooh, I spy drama. We predicted she was going to throw a party) and Julia attempts to talk to Emma again and explain that her father’s parents put pressure on her. Emma is still a dick and won’t listen.

Emma runs some errand to do with the legal stuff and obviously Jason is at the bar next door because it’s a small island, y’all. She asks the bartender for a drink twice and he gets offended that she’s acting like a mainlander and wanting to rush stuff, just like the people trying to buy up that land. He’s touchy. She buys him a beer, so hey, feminism! Also Jason HAS A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON?? Like, what? He’s 24 in this role and could easily pass for younger. This makes literally no sense. Like, an eight year old son we could maybe buy.

My theory, having watched the film, is that they added in the sub-plot about his teenage son after they cast Jason in the role of Kala, and just didn’t have time to replace him with someone older? Or they just seriously struggled to find male Hawaiian actors of the right age? Because there’s no way he could pass for 30 or older. Or maybe they just wanted us to think everyone in Hawaii is youthful and never ages.

Back in Boston, Jamie has Scott over and her shirt and his jeans are undone SCANDAL. Dad freaks out, and she says he abuses her with his dislike of her hair and friends and he’s like “Well, get new ones!” So helpful, Eddie. Great parenting. Jason—who apparently got someone pregnant when he was 9—appears to be doing a better job than you. She shouts “This is who I am!” and seriously, she’s probably the most realistic character in this movie. Oh yeah, Jamie is also 15, like Billy, Jason’s son.

Eddie calls Emma because he can’t parent and Jamie is “her job”. He’s like “ZOMG, she could get pregnant” and neither of them seem to think they could just talk to their daughter about contraception? He’s annoyed that she won’t come home and she’s like, dude, just be a parent already.

Jason’s outfit is really well coordinate with these flowers. And that’s about all that’s interesting in this scene. He looks good in pink.

Jason takes Emma swimming underwater (so much for her not being a strong swimmer??) to some secret place inside some rocks and I imagine it would be romantic if there was any music?

He talks her through a panic attack in the secret blue place and then says “You look good wet” and they admire the pretty blue stuff and then makeout. 

MEANWHILE, back in Boston, Eddie and the kids are on their way to visit because a) they’re concerned about how she’s handling Lily’s death or b) he just really can’t parent. Probably b).

Romantic beach chat. Emma says “I was scared but I went in anyway” and @momoejaku​ was like “Wait, did they do more than kiss?” and I was like “Dude, that would be a terrible innuendo” and they chat about how Emma worries over everything. Jason is like “You could just not worry”. Helpful, dude.

He puts a flower in his hair and just looks really good in that pink shirt? Much romantic silentness. So much is unsaid. Like the fact that the romantic heroine of this film is married, and neither of us are entirely sure if Jason is aware of this? She barely mentions her husband and kids, ever.

Emma’s family shows up and she’s still wearing Jason’s flower, AWKWARD. She didn’t check her messages so didn’t realise they were coming. Jason’s mom is like “The kids can sleep in my house, I thought you could use some time alone with your hubby” which is basically code for “Stop seducing my son”. I’m fairly certain she called Eddie and told him to come. 

There’s an awkward family meal—well, for Emma, Jason seems super chilled, maybe he seduces middle-aged white tourists all the time—and Billy shows up! @momoejaku​ and I speculate over whether he’s going to hook up with Jamie. That would make things even more awks. Billy looks the same age as Jason so this is even more ridic than it was before. Julia shows up because the meal wasn’t weird enough.

Emma finds her husband and Jason chatting about going fishing on the porch, but when she and Eddie leave Jason looks a bit crushed, so maybe he’s not as chilled as he’s been acting. Poor Baby Jason. I still don’t know if he knew Emma was married until Eddie showed up?

Eddie attempts to make out with Emma on the walk back to Lily’s house and she brushes him off because she’s “tired”. GUILT. Seriously, I’m finding it really hard to root for a married heroine. This is just weird. I can’t tell if Jason is complicit and was doing this even though he knew Eddie existed, but he’s Jason and he looks so adorable so gets more sympathy. Fully aware that that’s problematic but, hey, we’re only watching this film because of him.

Jamie sneaks out to hang out with Billy, who she just met, and he randomly mentions that he got caught breaking into a house for fun? Then asks Jamie how long her parents have been divorced and she says they’re not, and he’s like “That’s not good, your mom has been hanging out with my dad” which makes me think either Jason divulges his affairs with married women to his son, or he really thought Emma was divorced?? Either way, Jamie knows now. Uh-oh.

There’s more mom drama, Julia explains the whole “white people had power and made me give you up” but Emma is still a dick. I’m not going to screenshot it because we were really pissed at her by this point.

Eddie runs into Jason’s mom the next day and asks if Emma’s back from her run, and she’s like “Oh, she didn’t go running, went into town with Kala” and he starts getting suspicious. He goes into town, where Jason is shouting “Son of a bitch!” because the bad guys have planning permission. Bad guys obviously show up and he gets into a fight and Emma stops him from properly fighting by, uh, grapping his pecs and biceps and stroking his face? @momoejaku​ is like, uh, that’s how I’d stop him from fighting too. Obviously her husband shows up right then.

She has a chat with her husband and admits that Jason made her feel like someone she’d lost, general midlife crisis stuff. He actually gives a lovely speech about all the reasons they fell in love and why they should stay married. In spite of his previous uselessness, I like him. Poor guy.

Convenient conversation (@momoejaku was literally like “Is that all he’s going to do? Tell her stuff about her mom?”) between Billy and Jamie where he reveals MORE stuff to Jamie, like how Julia is her grandmother. Also, it’s emphasised again how important Emma was to Lily and that Emma has been a bit of a dick as she hasn’t really kept in touch with Lily all these years. Ugh, she’s kind of the least likeable heroine ever. Jamie blows up at her mom for not telling her about Jamie, and for neglecting Lily. Honestly, she really does a good attempt at talking sense into her mom. I like her. Also her outfit rocks. She tells her mom that she knows about her affair with Jason and threatens to tell Eddie, and Emma storms out shouting “I was never good at being a mom anyway! Maybe it’s genetic? Is that what you want? Me gone?” It’s very dramatic and Jamie gets upset. I get it, parenting is hard. Maybe when I’m depressed and having a midlife crisis I’ll go to Hawaii and hook up with a hot dude to forget my troubles.

Emma goes swimming to the special blue place again in an attempt to hear from Lily, and I’m like, why would you go to the place you made out with Jason to hear from your nanny? Then she goes to the special prayer rock Jason showed her earlier and has a moment where she keeps looking at this one particular flower and finally hears from Lily.

Meanwhile, Jamie is sensible and goes to chat to Julia. That kid is awesome. She also reveals that Emma’s father never got married again after Julia left—thanks, kid, this info would have been useful earlier. It’s taken me a long time to figure out Emma’s family history.

Emma and Kehau have a confrontation where Emma apologises for keeping Lily away all these years and Kehau accuses her of neglecting Lily and gets super upset. Emma says the words that she heard at the prayer rock and everything is better, Kehau confirms that it must be from Lily. Hooray! Conflict resolved by mystical words from beyond the grave! Kehau apologises for making Emma believe that Lily didn’t come back because of her (for all of ten seconds? Come on, let the woman feel guilty for longer than that. She’s done some crappy stuff for the entirely of this film).

ZOMG ominous storm brewing, and the kids are going hunting for fossils? Whatever could happen? Will they a) find an ancient burial ground that makes the land into sacred land that can’t be built on by the bad guys or b) get lost in the storm forcing the families to rescue them and bond together? The possibilities!

You guys, marines are getting into the sacred cave. In case anyone was wondering, RAIN is actually getting in.

So obviously Billy decides to climb the WET WALL to get some candles (@momoejaku​ and I missed this detail earlier and spent the next fifteen minutes going “Why did he even climb that wall? And where did they get those candles?” We are kind of ridic) and falls off and knocks himself out so they’re stuck in the storm. So far, option b) is looking likely. Anyway, we actually didn’t see this coming, the fall came out of nowhere, and @momoejaku​ made the most ridic facial expressions and kind of looked like a perplexed meerkat at this point in the movie. It was adorbs. There maaaaaay be screenshots ;)

Parents are predictably freaking out that the kids aren’t back yet. Eddie is pissed that Kehau is making him wait for Jason to show up to help him navigate the mountain and basically acts like a whiny child. Jason finally shows up looking surprisingly hot in a yellow raincoat (Eddie looks like a dork in his) and is annoyed at Eddie forgetting that he has a kid who is missing too. They go off in Jason’s truck to rescue the kids, and Emma stays home. At this point, we’re confused about the turn of events. Shouldn’t this be about Eddie and Emma bonding over rescuing the kids together, and Emma realising how much she loves her family? Not Eddie and Jason bonding? What are they going to do, decide to have an open relationship where Emma gets to be with both men? Run off without her? Seriously, I have no idea what the best conclusion to this film would be.

Meanwhile, Jamie leaves Neil alone with Billy (surrounded by candles like some sort of human sacrifice, but hey, he did almost die trying to get them) so she can run for help. Julia turns up at Kehau’s house and decides to take matters into her own hands, so they head out in search of the kids. Girl power! Oh wait, this film is about Emma and her mom bonding, not which guy she gets. I keep getting lost

Eddie falls down a hill because he’s a dork, Jason still looks studly and offers him a hand to help him up because he’s the better person, and also still manages to look awesome in all that rain?

All the rain in the spooky cave reveals some skulls which freaks out Neil but hey, we called it, it’s an ancient burial ground! And a chance for all the families to bond! Awesome. Jamie (or is it Janie? I can’t tell) is amazing as always and finds Julia and Emma.

Jason looks super concerned when he hears that his son is hurt (ugh, my ovaries) and then when he’d told he’s “in a cave, up there” he’s like “I know where!” So apparently there’s only one cave up this mountain? Cool, let’s roll with it. Jamie starts sobbing and her mom is like “It’s okay baby, I love you” so yay, they fixed that family drama. Only 9284 more to deal with! Jason adorably jogs off like some baby deer. With Eddie, obvs, but who cares about him?

They find the boys! Jason as the anguished, caring father is the best thing ever. He definitely gets into the role in Frontier. He needs to do more stuff where he gets to be fatherly and cause women’s ovaries to explode all over the world.

Aaaaaaand skip to Lily’s funeral. Oh yeah, that’s still happening. Kehau looks beautiful, there’s some lovely singing and dancing. Billy has a plaster on his head but otherwise looks fine, in spite of the fact that he was knocked unconscious for how long? Who knows? Jason looks awesome in pink flowers, obvs.

Jamie randomly gets up and decides to join in with the dancing? Because it wouldn’t be a Hawaiian funeral if the white chick’s daughter didn’t make it all about her. Emma cries and I guess it’s okay because Jamie’s getting in touch with her roots and they’re all actually Hawaiian, but dude, seriously. This felt super uncomfortable. Emma and Eddie look at each other and kiss and hold hands super sweetly but I may have shouted “Don’t make out with your husband in front of Jason Momoa! That’s just disrespectful! Also, you know, it’s a funeral.” @momoejaku​ totally agreed with me. 

Also, the funeral was all Christian and stuff? Kind of unexpected.

Julia and Emma finally have a proper heart to heart. I really don’t care at this point. This has dragged on for ages and Emma has been super childish. She’s a really difficult character to like or root for. They plan to stay in touch, so yay, I guess?

Emma and Jason conveniently have a private moment on the land that is no longer going to be developed because of the remains they found in that cave, also conveniently. Jason is super sad that she’s leaving and all adorable and like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, we belong together” which really makes me think that he’s like 22 and not the father to a teenager with tons of life experience? She’s like “You helped me to see things differently but I belong with my family, that’s who I am” which basically means “I used you to get through my midlife crisis but now you’re no longer useful”. Like, the things they say are so different? Emma’s is all about how he helped her, whereas his are all about them as a couple and his strong feelings for her. I really feel sorry for him. He clearly cares a lot more for her than he does for him.

He legit clutches his hands to his heart and says “You feel that? That’s you. You will always be a part of me. That’s who I am” which totally makes him look like the better person. They kiss, but she never says he’ll always be a part of her, so, yeah. Jason wins. She totally used him and what they had was just novelty escapism that she’s going to forget. Also what’s going to happen if she comes home to visit her mom again and runs into him? Awks. At this point, @momoejaku​ shouted “No, you’ll find a beautiful Hawaiin wife and forget her immediately!” She’s totally not going to go and write Kala fanfiction now ;)

Emma says that phrase her mom said to her at the prayer rock and he smiles and looks heartbroken and says “You’re welcome” and AWW JASON. Don’t use him like that! Poor guy. He was way more invested in this than she was. Jerk.

The women get together for this silent scene (or maybe we just didn’t get the music, again?) where they spill Lily’s ashes in some water and then a rainbow appears in the sky and I could screenshot this all but we were just too sad on Jason’s behalf at this point to care about the other plots.  Anyway, that was it. Then the credits roll and we find out that the entire thing was filmed in Australia and we were just BETRAYED? They went to all that effort to show us how beautiful Hawaii is, but nope, it was all A LIE. It was Australia. We feel just like Jason—cheated out of something we trusted. Or maybe that’s how Eddie felt. But let’s be honest, we’re just here for Jason, so we’re on his side.

Anyway, that’s it. I don’t know if you’d really want to watch this movie unless you’re a total Jason Momoa fangirl like @momoejaku​ and I unashamedly are, but hey, it would make a good drinking game. Suggestions:

* Drink any time someone says “small island, no secrets”

* Drink any time Jamie is rebellious

* Drink any time Neil mentions a dorky fact

* Drink any time Jason checks out Emma

* Drink any time Emma checks out Jason

* Drink any time Emma is a dick to Julia

* Drink any time anyone mentions the land they’re trying to save

* Drink any time Jason looks brooding/moody/emotional

* Drink any time Eddie is annoying/whiny/useless

* Drink any time Emma is in her pyjamas or swimsuit

* Drink any time Jason shows off his biceps. Twice if they’re wet.

...it’s probably best just to pick three of these? Otherwise you might get alcohol poisoning.

Personally, I watched this film entirely sober because I drank one glass of Pimms and one glass of red wine last night after spending three hours in the sun with no hat and woke up with a hangover, because I’m now the parent of a preschooler and just can’t handle my alcohol. So prep in advance, guys. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Go to bed sober in order to prepare for some epic drinking and ogling of wet biceps.