#disordered eating ment /

[senerist]

you may only have half

you do not feel entitled to it, but it is all you have.

When the kindly clerics would take you to mass, they directed you towards your knees and smiled so wide when you held your hands together as they did. The goddess they prayed to was not yours, however, because not even a goddess would love a wretch like you. Either the god is different for you and they, or the clerics don’t recognize the goddess’ clear flaws.

So it is when they offer you bread and water and encourage you to eat your fill, you pretend to be a little less hungry than the truth. you know logically that your body needs fuel to continue, but you can’t pray to their goddess the way they want from you. It’s only a matter of time before they realize you’re lying, and they’ll make you vomit up the food you didn’t earn before never feeding you again.

you do not feel entitled to it, but it is all you have.

When the mercenaries surprise you with a sweet roll and candle, you cried your throat sore. They didn’t know that you are lying to them. They believe that your existence is a thing to celebrate, that your name-day is as important as Ike’s. you worried they would see through you when you didn’t know what to do with the lit candle, and they would throw you to the streets.

So it is that your friend sits with you until you cry yourself exhausted, without tears but still finding it difficult to catch your breath. you know you’ve disappointed him. you’ve disappointed them all, but it’s better than telling them the truth.

you do not feel entitled to it, but it is all you have.

When Ike’s father passes, you leave every one alone. you are nothing but rough and mean. Any condolences you have to offer will be sarcastic, or double-edged, and nobody needs that right now. In fact, nobody needs you right now.

So it is that you slip into a crumbling room far enough away from anyone else that you can sit with your own grief. It isn’t enough to make you cry this time, and that’s likely a disservice to the man you’ll mourn for the rest of the year. Then again, it isn’t as though you deserve to feel so deeply about it. He was not your father, he was some one else’s, and you were supposed to have been an adult by now.

When Titania grabs you by the wrist, you go limp instantly. Struggling only gets you hit, you learned that long before you met her. Mist isn’t touched like you are. She’s barely kept from the door, from his side. It isn’t your father that Ike is avenging, after all, and it isn’t your magic that can best keep Ike safe.

So it is that when Titania’s convinced you won’t run in, she releases you, and you pretend as though you’re not fleeing to a quiet corner to pull yourself back together. you’ve grown, and so you don’t cry where people can know it. But you don’t cry. your chest seizes and you feel paralyzed, you worry you may suffocate with the sudden difficulty you have in taking breath. Crying would have been easier. At least it doesn’t kill you.

When Elincia Ridell Crimea is crowned queen, she has Ike escorting her to her address. It’s customary that he holds her hand. It doesn’t matter how stiffly they hold their arms or how carefully Elincia moves, you feel an acute pain in your heart to see them side by side. you knew this would happen.

So it is that you watch from a window, a chance glance pulling your attention away from parchment and towards an event you’d decided not to attend. The newly crowned queen addresses her people, but you can’t hear it. Even if you could, you wouldn’t have listened. The whole time, your eyes are fixed to man beside her, and your imagination fills his mind with thoughts and feelings.

When Mist collapses in battle, Ike is to her side almost instantly. you watch his arm wrap around her waist before he hoists her in his arms and rushes her to safety. you wish he would do the same for you, but that would require getting hurt, and you don’t allow yourself to cause undue burden for him.

So it is that you need an arrow whizzing by your head to bring you back to reality. you can’t allow yourself such feelings, either. Such things would only lead to further heartache.

And you do not deserve such feelings. But this is all you have.

[roxxoncorp]

when helly gains unrestricted access to food and immediately gives herself refeeding syndrome

[little-blurry]

[senerist]

soren is slipping back into bad habits, and there's no one here to stop him. he hardly takes full meals anymore, and since becoming a professor here, he hasn't sat down and eaten in the dining hall once. he usually takes more food than he can eat and hides it away just in case, and it usually goes bad before that opportunity arises.

At least he's eating. That's plenty enough.

Unfortunately, he has already made up the plate of too-much food when he notices sothe sitting at one of the tables. He seems alone, and soren has an itching curiosity that wants to ask him a question. While he doesn't know if he will, it's enough to cause him to sit down beside the thief, as though soren is but a long-time companion offering a friendly conversation.

"There's a lot of familiar faces here, hm?" he greets. soren doesn't have much in the way of a rapport with sothe. In one war, they were on opposite sides most of the time, and in the other, soren did his best not to let the then-child to see combat.

"i suspect you're here to watch over lady micaiah."

@nevassan

breaking bread with the

[fridayiminlovemp3]

sneak peek into some of the 500 drafts i have

[chronicpaingirlie]

also im being the bravest girl in the entire world and getting up to make lunch rn even though i don’t have spoons

[crplpunkklavier]

i don't like to talk about eating disorders much here but i would like to quickly state that ive recently hit a personal goal of finally weighing literally twice as much as i did when i was anorexic. and that i love u all and i hope ur eating well this week. mwah

[bitternanami]

i really cant wait until my energy levels are halfway manageable again bc i really enjoy cooking !! its really comforting knowing exactly whats in a food and why its there, having that control has been immeasurably helpful for my arfid-having ass in trying new stuff like. i guarantee the disordered eating is gonna be wayyyyy less of an issue when it stops having to be such a big deal all the time

[diapause]

self careeeee