#dishes are still a problem
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i think being back on the vitamin d is working. i did a BUNCH of chores today and we had extra time after dnd so i worked on my sewing project for the first time in a few months.
#a win for not laying in bed all saturday and jerking off? incredible#country wasn't happy about all the chores though#almost at the point with my laundry where there's none on the floor anymore! like 2 more loads#dishes are still a problem#i have family visiting next week so i'm taking friday off to clean up a bunch
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#my problem is at all times i am like ''wow i wish people (my roommates) would support me and give more''#so i always shut it down and i don't know how to deal with moments when i actually DO need people to give more#also like her mom was just in the hospital again (she's recovered) and he's still unemployed#how can i say hey this is a hard time for me so please can you do your dishes faster?#but also other people i know at this stage of dissertation/job search have had roommates like arrange meals and care packages!#where is the happy medium?
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the silly linguistic absurdities in homestar runner that you need to take a moment to register anything wrong with were a huge influence on my sense of humour. "the geddup noise wins a year's supply of our home game" is one of my favourites.
#homestar runner#they're still good at it#I really like the ''pineapple part-side out problems'' dish from a couple fan 'stumes ago
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Chen'ya is such a constant presence in NRC that he even has a (fake) student ID.
During his first year, he would often accompany Trey during classes, staying invisble while being a general nuisance (people though that Trey was swatting flies, Cater has a lot of funny videos).
After Riddle enrolled, Chen'ya also started to follow him around, and even acted as a bodyguard in the weeks following the redhead's overblot.
Chen'ya's favourite pastime is impromptu tea parties with his friends. Just a random teacup or tart appearing for Trey, Riddle and/or Cater. He also likes to steal tarts at unbirthday parties and even go hang out at other dorms (he absolutely LOVES Monstro Lounge's food, also annoying Azul is always fun).
The other students don't tend to notice him, since he is always invisible, though a few beastmen and fae are often on edge for seemingly no reason.
He once growled at Malleus and Leona during a dorm head meeting.
#NRC actually has no problem with him#he's funny and sneaky and basically the RSA version of Trey#azul is still trying to understand where all his vouchers went#floyd thinks the floating dishes are funny#the dormhead meeting in question was basically a heated argument at that point and Chen'ya was getting worried#luckily Malleus and Leona recognize the “don't mess with my family” growl#twst#chen'ya#riddle rosehearts#trey clover#cater diamond#malleus draconia#leona kingscholar#azul ashensgrotto
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Had people over for a crêpes party today! Started making the crêpes at 8am, finished just around 12 when most of the guests came in, which was excellent timing, though not fully on purpose xD
We used to have one of these once a month when I was younger, and I never knew why my dad seemed so reluctant (he was the one in charge of the crêpes) but as I contemplate the dishes waiting for me in the sink after all this I'm like ... Yeah, I get it now oO
Despite that, I think that's one of the traditions I'd like to keep with Baby if/ when it comes so I think maybe I'll try and have another one after I move and go from there
#Matt has a life#Shit from home#I have DND in 3 hours so the dishes are a tomorrow problem I think xD#Also I don't have as many crêpes left for the dnd group as I thought I would but it's still a decent number so I'm okay with that
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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anybody remember the stephanie brown essay I was working on under a research grant fully last summer? yeah it’s not done yet it super needs to be done and I’ve been avoiding working on it for weeks. someone tell me to just do it already
#the problem is. actually there are several problems#1) I’ve been out of the Batman/dc comics phase for almost a year so I don’t care that much about the topic#2) I am fifteen pages in and have not touched it in months so I’ve completely lost my train of thought#3) I can’t just reread it because I hate first five pages or so and I know I need to change it but I was trying to finish before editing#so now my only solution is I need to open up a new doc and completely restructure the whole thing by splicing together the existing writing#so that I can figure out where the hell im going with this and make sure things fit together better#unfortunately that sounds fucking exhausting#but I told my mentor I would have an update for him by the end of the week and. well. it’s the end of the week#I have to present it in April. I have to write and submit an abstract in March#the school gave me $1500 for this stupid essay and if I don’t have anything to show for myself.#well. I don’t know they can’t take the money BACK but it’s not a good look#and also I would feel bad#I did the research!!! i interviewed comic writers even!!! I just haven’t finished WRITING IT DOWN#and I KNOOOOWW once I get started it’ll be fine once I’m going I’m going#but STARTING is hard because I feel like I have to finish it in one go which makes it so huge and daunting#I’m like. slamming my head into a wall. just write a couple sentences Jess something is better than nothing#just start it you don’t have to finish just START just MAKE the new DOC#I know!!!!! that is what my therapist would say!!!! Jess you’re trying to oneshot it bc of your dumb adhd brain!!!!#stop looking at it like that and making it scarier!!!#but even tho I know that logically I’m still like oh I should put away the dishes o should make bread#I should work on my six different art pieces I should do laundry i should play with the puppy I should go for a walk I sh
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Washed all my plushies and now the entire bathroom and I smell like peppermint.
Bugs, beware me.
#I used dawn dish soap and peppermint essential oil in the tub. problem being. I still somehow overestimated how many drops of oil to use#it's SOOOO peppered mint.#luckily I do enjoy mint scent but oh my god#I got it all on my camisole too I am DAMP. AGH. AND I STILL HAVE TO DRY THE PLUSHIES...#...what if I just commit to being damp and lay them all out in the tub and then lay on them. woe 230lbs upon ye my plush fwiends#K.R. shush
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It's kinda weird how, compared to Metroid Dread, Metroid Fusion was so much more blatant in
its prioritisation of linear story progression over exploration
its linear presentation (literally naming the areas sector 1–6), though it still does the classic "linear game pretending to be nonlinear" thing by taking you through them in a different, but still fixed, order
the way it literally directly tells you your every next step constantly
yet when playing the games, it felt to me that somehow, despite all of this, Fusion felt a lot less frustrating in its linearity to me than Dread. In Fusion it was immediately clear that I would just be sticking to a single sector for each part of the game and those sectors themselves would still be mostly freely explorable in a way that felt more similar to Metroid II, but in Dread there was just no telling AT ALL when the path behind me would be blocked off and it also felt wayyyyy less justified than in Fusion, especially with just how often Dread would be doing this.
With Fusion's extremely tense atmosphere being present throughout the entire game and so much of the story taking place and developing during the game itself, I was totally understanding of its structure and restrictions. Dread on the other hand just kinda made me feel nothing, except
frustration at the lack of exploration with every single door locking behind me constantly for no good reason. Even some obstacles don't *go away* but instead switch from blocking the path forward, to blocking the path back: the thermal doors, the lifts that go down if you stick to their spider magnet walls, the big boxes that you had to move with the charge beam (or grapple beam idk? or both?) it just gets soooo annoying
frustration at how you need to use 3 buttons simultaneously to perform one single god damned action
frustration at how abilities felt extremely underused in the level design—you rarely grapple your way across the ceiling to cross a pit like in Super (which is the kind of level design that allows for sequence breaks in completely natural ways that encourage player experimentation), no, you just open the grapple beam door lock with your grapple beam door key. Literally every single ability in dread relies on this WAY TOO MUCH in painfully obvious ways, including literally every single power beam upgrade
frustration at how missile tanks feel worthless because getting only 2 is just not worth my time (yet the total number of missiles is similar to the other games... a sign of the game being too long/padded compared to the old games)
frustration at how energy tanks feel worthless because every boss does 100+ damage per hit; you're just not allowed to be tanky and the game is forcing you to play in only one specific way. The full energy tanks are just straight up given to you at way too hard-to-miss points—it's not a reward for exploration, it's forcibly scaling up Samus's health so it can scale up the next bosses' damage accordingly and absolutely nothing ends up feeling different. And to make things worse, the energy tanks that you DO get to find on your own don't actually DO anything because they're fucking energy PARTS. They just deliberately made exploration as unrewarding as it possibly could've been
frustration at how almost every area looks the goddamn same and has no music to stand out with either
I must say Dread's final boss was actually really reasonable though, it was really generous with the heals/restocks provided in between & low damage numbers making it so that my collected energy tanks FINALLY felt like they were actually making a difference. I will hate that one arbitrarily locked door in the escape sequence though
#also honestly I just do not like the free 360° aim of Samus Returns and Dread. It's presented as something to be praised because#“analog > digital” always gets treated as an upgrade and something that offers more options but it Does Not do that here#aiming locks you in place. That's a HUGE deal. You can't move and shoot. Being able to move and shoot at once felt so important in th#the sprite based metroids bc you ALWAYS WANT to move. The only good thing about shooting in Dread is the storm missiles but even those are#fairly late into the game. The storm missiles are great because you don't have to stand in place to aim and thus you get to move around#freely while still dishing out strong firepower; exactly like in the older games. But it just feels like a band-aid to a bigger problem#Requiring you to use the stick in 2D metroid feels like a really poorly thought out move because it just changes everything so fundamentall
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ive decided that my newest hobby is mixology this is who i am now
#i just made such a good shaken passionfruit daiquiri i can not stress enough how good this is#i would make another one but i forgot to make ice before i started so i barely had enough for the first one rip#winter came n i switched from ice coffees to hot ones and forgot to make ice for god knows how long apparently#yapping#anyway im tired of having to drink beer when ppl come over n we all drink i dont even like beer#i like my silly little cocktails and now i dont have to pay a fortune to have them YIPPEEE#i love how im acting as if ive never made cocktails before when i used to work as a literal bartender for like half a year AHHAHAHA#i dont drink a lot to be clear sometimes i wont touch alcohol for over a month it rly depends on the vibes of the functions i guess#also not a big fan of drinking by myself ngl#but i think sharing cocktails with dani and shady would be so fun actually#were thinking of having a jojo part 6 watch party with cocktails with the three of us yay !!!!#in the time ive sat here going “aw i dont have any ice :^(” my freezer would have made new ice by now#but yeah im still learning what i like taste wise i guess! but so far im sticking to what i know i like#so... mojito. pina colada. daiquiri... those vibes#i like cosmopolitans as well but i didnt buy shit to make those (i do have to be mindful of having a budget i guess.. maybe next month)#im talking too much rn but. point is. this is fun and cute and i like it#wish i had more than one cocktail glass i guess#but danis a 192cm clumsy man who keeps breaking any fragile glasses i own when he washes the dishes#but i refuse to wash the dishes myself so ill just buy new ones#he cant even fit his hand in my champagne glasses and i still insist on him washing them.. maybe i am the problem actually 😐
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Anyone ever fear that all of your mental problems are something you cleverly gaslight yourself into believing were true and you’re actually clinging to an illusion that you’re fucked up because you crave salvation you don’t need?
Just me? Cool.
#I reread my old journal looking for poem inspo because I actually enjoyed writing poems so yeah whatever#And I always feel younger me was being severely melodramatic because I hadn’t yet encountered what serious of problems life dished out t#other people and thought i was messed up#and upon that revelation my brain fabricated a complex narrative of mental illness to cope with that I don’t require help I need simply#suck it up because it’s not all that bad#accidentally causing those problems#but they’re not real. it’s all fake and I’ve somehow been lying even in my most honest moments how I’m still fucking lying#I don’t think I know how to tell the truth#Hm.#Food for existential crisis later!#Perhaps my soul is rotten and my evil ways caused all my issues.#(And I am evil and I was a rotten child and a rotten teenager and I will become a rotten man)#also i was VERY VERY TRANSGENDER#Jesus Christ was I oblivious to that
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I’m enjoying being an adult who previously didn’t think they were gonna make it past 17 but like. Damn they really don’t tell you about the consequences of living like you’re not gonna make it past 17
#I’m getting more fillings tomorrow :/#it’s like! I’m finally in a place where I recognize that I have a perfect body that is exactly what I wanted#and it’s kinda going to shit bc I didn’t take care of it for two decades! and arguably still struggle to do so now!#no amount of doing my dishes regularly and meal prepping stops the fact that almost half my teeth have work done#thank god I had a modicum of athleticism as a youth or else I’d be touting way more physical problems than just my mouth#barely have any acne. great hair. I just like the way I look now#and I am distantly pleased that I’m looking so far in the future that I worry about these things#but man. it’s my first life and I’m freakin blowing it guys! hahahaha#ugh.#also I’m sick and my crown is still vaguely sensitive after a month which is. worrisome but probably fine (knock on wood)#every one says how great it is to start living for the future but they don’t tell you what a pain it is making up for when you didn’t#nonetheless we persist
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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#a mystery grab-bag of thoughts:#sometimes i just want to send you dumb memes out of nowhere and hope that the randomness and absurdity will make you laugh#when i do my daily crossword puzzles i wish we were sitting across from each other racing to see who finishes first#(but working together on the really difficult ones because god knows I’ll never get a Sunday NYT by myself)#i think of you often but especially when it’s raining#I’ve taken to making a pie every week—nothing fancy just something in a graham cracker crust that sets in the fridge#(so far i have one ol’ faithful recipe and I’ve had a couple of failures but they were still tasty)#my phone sometimes suggests a selection of pictures of you and it used to make my heart stop a little bit#but now i just look at your face and smile and think about how lovely it was to see you every day; I’ll cherish that#i never thought you were a ‘media bully’ but if I could return the favor I’d urge you to watch amc’s interview with the vampire#it’s so GOOD and so GAY and i have a small crush on Eric bogosian that goes in the same category as my crush on Greg Davies#and it’s quite funny in places like a dry humor that leans surreal/absurd#i dunno i think you’d appreciate it even though you’re not a horror person#i wish i could hold your hand and kiss your fingers and probably nibble on them a bit#(what can i say? I’m a cat)#i made some new glitter bottles this week and they look so pretty in the sun#today my Spanish lesson was about telling time#i have no problem remembering ¿a qué hora? but get tripped up on the format of answering#(son las (hora) y (minutos) and son (minutos) para las (hora) and i could get around it by only ever answering on the half hour)#I’m not like *confident* about my Spanish but I’m picking up more than what’s in English captions when i watch stuff which is neat#i do wonder if it’s sad or weird to still feel you here with me in my heart#but i think when someone is precious to you time and distance can’t really touch that love#anyway I’m going to go do my dishes instead of blithering here all night lol#sending you care and love and sunshine and flowers my darling dearest#💜#🌻
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Request to move into basement failed. Sad.
#I just wanna have some more space and maybe host people and save money and acclimate to apartment living#and moving into the basement would do that#Not only is it big enough it's also fully finished. Carpeted and everything#Unfortunately my dad sleeps in there and doesn't want to be demoted to bedroom 2#“I already got kicked out of the master!”#Um. Need I fucking remind you that being kicked out of the master is what saved your marriage my guy?#(He is a VERY violent sleeper and it caused Problems And Injuries And Arguments)#He calls it his “man cave” even though the only man cave thing about it us that he is a man sleeping and watching TV in it#He's always talking about nebulous plans to make it a mancave and then never follows though#bc he's a trash hoarder who keeps months of empty soda bottles piled up for no reason#and granted I also have messy room problems but at least I take out the trash and dirty dishes (if any) out of it every week#Meanwhile I know Exactly what I would do with the space#And I mean#Granted it /is/ going to be a hard sell trying to convince someone to downgrade to a child's bedroom#That could probably fit a full and still be comfortable but /definitely/ can't fit a queen#I tried to sell him on the large closet space (since that's something he's always complaining about not having any of at all)#Bc I will Happily downgrade to one of those garment racks if it means I can actually have space for all my music+art stuff#but no cigar :(#And listen#My room is small but it does have a decent amount of space so long as all of my belongings are contained#But They Have To Be Contained!#Which is really fucking hard to do when you own several large musical instruments and have ADHD
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aita for doing the dishes
#theres more to this but basically it boils down to i asked him twice (2!) to do dishes bc i wanted to use my usual coffee mug the past 2#days but its been in the sink w a bunch of other dirty dishes including silverware In the mug. so to clean the mug i wouldve had to clean or#take the silverware out of the mug. are you following me. so i used A Different mug yesterday. then again this morning when i#realised dishes were Still Not Done. so as i was making coffee in a DIFFERENT MUG. he comes out and is like 'oohh dont do dishes i#feel bad that ur doing dishesss' and i almost said 'you should' but held my tongue. bc it is his fucking job to do dishes.#i cook he cleans thats the agreement. but its been happening a lot recently where /i/ have to do dishes too bc its been DAYS and he hasnt.#so. aita even tho i didnt say the thing i wanted to say#i get he works longer hours than me but if hes got a problem w it or needs help THEN FUCKING SAY THAT!!!! i dont pick up on#subtleties!!!!! ask for help or fuck off when im doing smth!!!!#talk tag
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