#disclaimer: this is actually my past experience put into words - something I've never shared with anyone

[nyoomerr]

tagged for the 'fic writer interview' by @mikkeneko! thanks for thinking of me, hopefully i have something interesting to share in it 🙈

Fic Writer Interview

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

21! the bingplush fic this last week finally pushed me over the edge of the page limit, i no longer have only a single page of fic!!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

440,163

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

every time i post a fic i hope to somehow oust 'to love another' from that #1 spot... every time i know it'll never happen :'D

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

every one i get, for the most part! i never want to take for granted the people who support me, and making sure i actually sit down and take the time and effort to respond to comments is, i've found, the best way for me to do that.

that being said, there are exceptions. i generally don't respond to criticism, general negativity, comments that don't really seem to be... about the fic, or comments that have a grammar correction and nothing else 😅

5. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

'raised by winter winds' or 'you don't need poltergeists for sidekicks' - both have bittersweet endings, which is the closest i'll ever get to an unhappy end, LOL.

6. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

discounting the short fics i've done that are just slice of life / domestic bliss for bingqiu, probably 'shallow water weather.' as happy an ending as any of my stuff, but with none of the angst to get there 😂

7. Do you write crossovers?

nope, and generally don't plan to. even the AUs i do, i prefer to put them in a generic or original world than the world of another story.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

oh sure, law of large numbers and all that. the truly nasty hate, i just delete. generally i'd prefer to just ignore it, honestly, because i think deleting a comment is also a form of engagement with the hate that i don't necessarily want to give to the person who left it, but...

based on past experience, leaving the comment up and unanswered seems to invite other readers to engage with the hate in whatever way /they/ choose, and i really don't want to accidentally be the facilitator of a conflict :'D

9. Do you write smut?

nope, and i've learned to put that disclaimer in the notes of longfic i write 😅

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

ehhh not in this fandom (that i'm aware of), but i have had a translator go rogue - which is why i currently only allow translations of my fics to be posted on ao3 only.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

several times, + some podfics! outside of the odd occurrence mentioned above, they've all been wonderful opportunities. i have massive respect for everyone who spends time making fics more accessible to others!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, and i feel like i'd be too picky to do so 😅 collabs in other ways - minibangs with artists, inspiration train games, etc - are all fun though, and i enjoy them!

13. What's your all-time favorite ship?

whichever version of bingqiu/binggeyuan ends up with lbh at his soggiest and most pathetic

14. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

i have a post canon bingliushen fic that's been sitting in my WIPs for... over two years? i like the idea of it a lot and think parts of it would be very fun!

unfortunately, though, i like bingliushen because i like bingqiu and i like liushen and i think that sqq has two hands. this does not lend itself well to writing fic where bingliushen get together, since every time i try to work on this WIP the focus keeps turning to trying to get lbh and lqg to coexist well enough to allow bingliushen... and sadly i'm just not really into bingliu :')

15. What are your writing strengths?

i think i do humor and dialogue well enough! it always makes me happy to hear that my fic made someone laugh :>

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

although i think i'm alright at writing angst, i do think i have a tendency to resolve it too quickly/easily. i personally really do not enjoy fics where angst gets dragged on for awhile, and i know that this preference affects the pacing of my own angst in a way that perhaps puts me too far on the other side of the spectrum, lmao.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i'm not sure what this is actually referring to, honestly 😅 i guess i use italics for that...?

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

attack on titan (please forgive me for my crimes)

19. What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

although i do have that aforementioned WIP, i really do want to actually finish a bingliushen fic... maybe i just need to give up and write a sqq harem fic like the old fandom days 😂

20. What's your favorite fic you've written?

generally, whatever fic i wrote 2-3 fics ago 😂 i tend to be offput by my most recent work, so work that i've had some space from but is still recent enough to reflect my current preferences and skills is what i always consider my favorite. right now, either rent a bingge or the sy!shixiong au!

and that's all the questions! i won't tag anyone 'cuz i'm a bit shy about that sort of thing, so anyone who wants to do it can take this as your invitation to do so!

[sukehiroselei]

For the fanfic ask game, 1, 14, and 16 please E 🥰? Thank you and I hope you have a good day~!

Hi Lyra!! Thanks for the ask! 🩷

1: Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Hmmm, this is tough. I often start out writing and intending my fics to be one-shots, but they typically evolve into multi-chaptered fics. 😂

14: How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

Ooh, great question! Most of my fics so far have been romance-based, so the big emotional moments are often confessions and/or realizations that one of the characters is In Love™.

These scenes typically have a "purpose" (often to advance the plot or spur character growth), so I try to think of the story in its entirety—how we got here + what will happen from then on. I find that this is one of my short-comings as a writer, so I'm trying to remedy it with my current Black Bulls-centric fic to have these emotional tableaus without necessarily having a "purpose" for them other than to create depth in the preexisting characters.

There are times when I try to put myself in the position of the characters I write about, although I wouldn't say I can feel what they feel. For me personally, it's a slippery-slope if I think of myself as the character; I find it difficult to separate *my* feelings from how the character would *actually* react, resulting in a characterization I don't like. (Heavy Disclaimer that this is just my personal preference for my own fics, but I love reading everyone else's interpretations of the characters!!)

I think it's inevitable to draw from personal experiences. I don't think I'm a good enough writer to pull emotions out that I've never experienced myself lol

tl;dr: I revisit the canon and extrapolate from there

16: How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

Oh my god, there are so so so many. My Google Drive and Fanfiction account is full of unpublished/unfinished WIPs hahaha. I have a notes app document with brief outlines for Black Clover fics and that alone has 30+ items so far. 💀

I'll share a few here because why not hehe:

A) Current working title is In Another Life (although that could still change) — Mereo x Princia fic

Follows the events of the movie, where Mereo scours the ends of the earth for a way to contact Princia in the past. It's a little angsty and a whole lotta doomed by the narrative. An excerpt I really like:

Your soul is molten down by her fire and you hope that maybe she could smith you into something useful. Perhaps a shield in the next lifetime instead of a spear.

B) Memento Mori — Speculative fiction from Julius's POV

Idk if I'll continue this fic, mostly because it strays a lot from the canon and I'm always scared of wandering too far haha. It's basically a fic of how Julius was conscious of Lucius's existence all this time & actually took steps in countering The End to the best of his ability. A little excerpt:

It is a wonder how one could look ahead to the threads of time being woven into an ever-changing tapestry without going mad. Born into a body with two souls, Julius knew that the Other lay dormant, waiting for the opportune moment to take over this mortal shell they shared, and burn the tapestry into ashes.


A lesser man would have gone insane, but Julius willed himself to be strong. So much so that he earned the only coverless grimoire in existence, learning whatever magics he could to keep the End at bay somehow. [...] He could see how each decision could alter the future weaving in front of him. Every word spoken, every action, is a seed being planted to defeat the inevitable End. So this is how Julius lived his life: always steps ahead to ensure that the foundation he builds would be strong enough to keep standing, even when the time that the Other soul fully takes over his body comes.

Thank you so much for playing!! And apologies for the big block of text omg I didn't think my answers were going to be this long hahaha 🙈🩵

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 1

DISCLAIMER: I want to lay out at the start of this post that, while it has to do with dieting, food, weight loss, and exercise, I do not have a diagnosed eating disorder, am not eating 1200 or fewer calories a day, and am not peddling some diet regimen. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say in this or future posts should in any way be considered medical advice. I'm just a dude out here tryna be healthier.

Hello to anyone who stumbles across this post. I am now going to be actively using this blog that I've had for, like, a billion years. I know I've said this multiple times in the past and have never followed through, but I've been "going through some shit"™ and have become much better at developing and cultivating habits to the degree that I stick with them. The habit I'm trying to cultivate, at this point, is getting back into writing, something I've always been passionate about and loved doing but have never really attempted to pursue in earnest, either due to self-doubt or laziness. I'm unsure which of those two is more powerful in my psyche, to be honest. To that end, what better place to write something, no matter how small or large, every day until writing some number of words becomes a habit than a blog where I can just put snippets about something ELSE that I do every day until I start doing it forever? Ain't that grand? See below the cut if you'd like. Otherwise, happy scrolling!

The thing I'll be documenting is the continuation of a journey that I started a year ago after a visit to the doctor wherein some rough stuff came to light. Just for the record, I'm going to be candid about a lot of the things that are going on regarding my current state of health and being. I don't shy away from sharing things about myself as I don't really embarrass easily. Obviously, these will be within reason. Posts will be tagged appropriately to make sure that, when things get particularly gnarly, which they might, those who wish to shield themselves from those things can do so. As I've never really used this webbed site to it's (omegalul) full potential, my tagging may be rudimentary at best, so I'm counting on being corrected and sitting my white ass down and learning, so if something slips through the cracks please be sure to let me know.

With that preamble out of the way, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this entry.

One year ago, roughly around mid-year, I noticed that my legs and feet just began swelling constantly, some days to the point of actual pain, not just discomfort. Anytime they were pressed against something, indentations were left on my skin and to squeeze them with one's fingers was to feel something akin to a latex bag filled with sand. It was exacerbated to an unbearable degree any time I had alcohol which, back in those days, was near constantly and at considerable volume given how large I was. In order to actually become comfortably buzzed, I would need to consume probably 2-3 cocktails or 3-4 beers. To become fully drunk, namely something reserved for parties, I would probably need to have consumed 3-4 cocktails or 4-5 beers at minimum due to my size, sitting comfortably around 320 pounds. I was drinking, on average, conservatively, 3-4 drinks a night during the week and at parties probably averaged 6 beers and/or liquor (either straight or in cocktails). Coupled with my inherent love of snacking, any given "normal day", however we're defining that, would be around 3.5-4.5k caloric intake. On spike days, like a party on Saturday or Holidays, this would most likely have easily exceeded 5k. Concern from both my wife and myself (mostly my wife) prompted me to go see a doctor, as the insurance from my new job was a huge upgrade from the hourly job I'd had before it. I had also not been to a doctor since I had been kicked off my parents insurance at 26. I was 31 at the time.

The doctor's visit revealed a slew of issues that, given my lifestyle up to that point, should not have been surprising in any way. Most notable were a slightly fatty liver (not enough for a diagnosis of Fatty Liver Syndrome, but still), dangerously low potassium levels, and high blood pressure, for which I was put on at least 3 medications. The leg and feet swelling was attributed to something called Venous Reflux, a condition in which the Greater Saphenous Vein in the leg cannot bring blood from the lower extremities back to the heart fast enough and it just sort of pools in the feet, eventually swelling up through a decent portion of the leg. One of the more notable parts of the conversation was my weight. I had tried two forms of dieting in the past: 2 rudimentary and half-hearted calorie counts and a brush with intermittent fasting. With both, I was stupid and impatient waiting for near instant results and when the holidays rolled around and everything fell apart, I gave up each time around New Years. Neither had stuck and I assumed I was just not built to handle that kind of commitment. When my doctor mentioned keeping a calorie diary at this visit, I slumped a bit thinking about the previous times I had tried and failed to keep to something like that, but figured I had to give it a shot. The alternative was medication for weight loss and I, then and now, didn't want to be on medication possibly for the rest of my life if I could help it. In that moment, I decided to give it a try naturally and this time, hopefully, stick to it. I re-downloaded the Cronometer app onto my phone and, starting the next day, began documenting what I ate, even just to see what a day looked like at the time. That one doctor's visit changed my life to a degree that I'll never take for granted and set me on my current course - something that I believe has saved my life.

I'll cut the story here for now, as this post is already too long. Tomorrow's entry will continue from this point as mostly a lore dump and catch-up for anyone who hasn't heard all of this yet. Thanks for reading if you did and I'll see you tomorrow for the next one. After three months of this crap you'll all be tired of it but, hey, I'll have a new habit formed and then who's the winner?

Me.

[capn-charlie]

A #Kadena One-shot : Identity vs. Personality

Kat and Adena have a heart-to-heart about the meaning of labels, sexuality in general, and a shared past experience of Adena’s that’s all-too-real. 

“I didn’t know you were an artist of various mediums.”

Kat’s cheeky statement gets Adena’s attention from where she’s sat, cross-legged by the girl’s feet with a miniature, nail polish brush held carefully between three of her fingers.

“Look at that… you learn something new every day,” she adds with a mindless twist, eyes raising to look across the room at nothing in particular. “Photography not included, obviously. We already knew you kick ass in that department.”

Things had previously been quiet, consumed by a warm comfort matched by candles scattered throughout the apartment bedroom, creating an undeniable atmosphere as the two bonded via a spur-the-moment, nail-painting session. It was Kat’s idea, coming in the form of a seductive-sounding request that Adena wouldn’t have denied even if her girlfriend had demanded it. Quite frankly, despite nail-painting being an everyday activity done by just about anyone, she enjoys the leisure time between them and how normal they act, like they’re equal-parts best friends and girlfriends. It just makes sense.

“Kat, I’m painting your toenails,” Adena finally answers, smirking and briefly shaking her head while her hand stills. “I hardly believe that makes me a qualified artist.”

“Hey, I just wanna compliment my girlfriend,” her gaze turns pointed, playfully lecturing. “Live a little.”

She pauses, looking up to lock eyes with the girl whose face remains stone-like and clearly not planning to change anytime soon. It causes both to smile eventually, the makeshift seriousness being the bane of their existence as they try to one-up the other with random quips and comebacks. Just another part of everyday life within their joint household. They both swoon over the concept, but neither bring it up.

“Hm, okay,” following another short pause, Adena hums. “I accept and appreciate the compliment, then.”

It’s silly yet completely genuine, each loving how consistently supportive they are ━ even when it comes to little things such as this: nail painting. Being able to remain oneself with a significant other is important, especially when already bold yet tender from a steady, past maturation, but it’s also enjoyable to know that you’ve acquired something more from being a person’s counterpart, like a little victory. You’re able to stand on your own, thrive on your own and grow into a human so beautiful and unique, but then someone else comes along and provides you with a hug of comfort and support that you didn’t know you were missing.

The thought causes Kat’s cheeks to fullen as she smiles, though she tries to stifle it by swallowing hard and clearing her throat. Again, disrupting the silence, Adena glances up as if to ask if she’s okay, but it only gives her girlfriend an opening to ask a question that’s been on her mind for a while now.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Mhm...” an absentminded hum responds, Adena moving the other girl’s foot slightly for a better view of the toe she’s painting.

“At what point did you start…” the matched hand motion is vague, not knowing how to express the question properly as Adena lifts her chin to be fully attentive, “…feeling something for me?”

Her mouth opens at first, then she asks, “What brought this question on?” with a quiet laugh.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while, actually,” Kat takes a deep breath. “We know I was dealing with some less-than-straight emotions from pretty much the get-go. Thank you for that, by the way,” it’s partially rambled, and Adena offers a smirk.

“My pleasure.”

“My point is… you didn’t have to go through those emotions,” her palms turn upward as if she’s shrugging, eyes drifting around the room because, admittedly, she feels a tad vulnerable ━ no matter if she’s already braved these specific, self-questioning demons, or otherwise.

“Just because I already identified as a lesbian, doesn’t mean I had everything figured out when it came to you,” it’s not upset-sounding nor forceful, but it comes with a frown and, automatically, Kat thinks she’s offended the other girl.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“No, no, I’m not trying to be rude,” Adena stops her right away, smiling warmly. “What I’m saying is that it took some time for me too. I had to…” the words don’t flow clearly, so she laughs and slouches as she reaches for the nail polish bottle to screw its cap back on.

When the polish is set aside, Adena’s hands fall into her lap as she stares at Kat, partially licking her lips in thought before bluntly stating, “It’s not easy falling for a straight girl.”

The reasoning makes her girlfriend’s face drop, not in offense but confusion.

“But you must’ve known I wasn’t entirely straight,” she tries to reason with the girl across from her. “Or… whatever I am. Jury’s still out on that,” it comes as a mutter, more so to herself but Adena picks up on the underlying frustration.

“You don’t have to label yourself, Kat. Either temporarily or permanently. It’s a personal choice,” Adena tilts her head to the side, giving her girlfriend a pout in hopes that she comprehends her words and believes them.

“I know, but sometimes it bothers me,” her voice nearly cracks. “Doesn’t it bother you?” Kat narrows her eyes in question, genuinely wondering. “You just said it’s not easy falling for a straight girl. What if that’s my label?”

“Then that’s your choice,” truly, Adena knows that Kat has a good point, and part of her regrets her response from just a minute or so prior, but it’s not so black and white, so she expands on her statement. “Don’t let my words confuse you. It’s not easy, no, but I meant it in regards to how I first judged you.”

“Which was…?”

Adena sighs, bowing her head with a tiny, regretful grin as she knows what she’s about to say will come off as ridiculous considering her most-recent dispute. Nevertheless, she relaxes her shoulders.

“Straight.”

Kat shifts her jaw, “Okay, yeah, even if I wasn’t confused before, now I am. Do you hear this conversation we’re having right now, or is it just me?”

She laughs as Kat’s eyes continue to narrow in a mild amusement, scooting a few inches closer so she’s only a foot away from her girlfriend. Adena waits, gathering her words with her teeth snagging her bottom lip momentarily, eyes drifting to the floor nearby, before putting out a broad explanation:

“Sometimes in communities, people’s identities define their personality. You see some being open-minded and fluid, and, other times… they become critical and judgmental. They think it’s part of the territory, or that leaving themselves open to understanding something else also leaves them unprotected.”

“Huh…” Kat says in thought, still squinting as she tries to understand where this is going.

“I once had a friendship with a girl much like you,” Adena begins, straightening her back as she sits, “but it ended quickly because of her sudden change in judgment. Well, not a change, but I hadn’t known how she truly felt beforehand.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’d often see each other in private, or at night when a little amount of people were around, and it was okay. We enjoyed ourselves and seeing each other. She’d always hug me goodbye, and called me when she got home,” she speaks vibrantly, like she’s retelling an old tale that has little-to-no effect on her anymore, and Kat pays attention, engrossed in the story. “I didn’t realize until after a while that our private friendship wasn’t because she liked lying low, but because she didn’t want her other friends to see.”

“How did you realize?”

“After a lengthy persuasion on my part,” Adena rubs her lips together, “she agreed to go grab a bite to eat at a little cafe. We had a nice time. There was normal talking, joking, even sharing our lunches,” a pause breaks the story, the girl sighing, “but her other friends showed up. A total surprise to both of us, but... she had plans with them that night for a sleepover after a festival a city over, so one of them asked if she’d like a ride home to get her things. I didn’t think anything of it. I was happy to see her enjoying herself with her other friends. But, as she was leaving and I stood up to hug her like usual, she backed away and smiled at me, then left.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kat waves her hands, like she’s clearing the air of the flashback. “She just left? She didn’t say anything? Did her friends say anything?” it comes with a severe, annoyed frown on her girlfriend’s behalf.

“No one said anything,” she shakes her head. “At least, she didn’t until I asked her in a message, later that night. She explained that she couldn’t hug me in front of her friends, as she didn’t want them to think I was coming onto her since they knew I’m a lesbian. I told her that was absurd, and I asked if she thought I was coming onto her whenever we hugged. She never denied it.”

There’s a pause as the recollection fades, Adena bowing her head; maybe she didn’t forget it as well as she thought she did, or maybe she really hasn’t forgiven the girl who hurt her. Sure, it was only a friendship and nothing further, and she knows not everyone has that mindset, but that kind of instance provides a person with a certain, grim outlook on new friendships. You never know who is bound to turn around and walk away due to something you thought they understood ━ something you thought didn’t matter but, apparently, did.

“You thought I’d react like that?”

Kat’s whispered, cracked inquisition gets Adena to lift her head and break out of her loathing, lips parting because she didn’t mean to make her girlfriend feel bad about anything. Nevertheless, it’s something so real that needs to be addressed, and Adena refuses to stray away from yet another heart-to-heart between them.

“Maybe not exactly like that, but I do know that sexuality can be touchy for people. Not everyone is as open as I am, and that’s okay.”

“It’s not okay when they’re treating you like you’re going to give them some disease by hugging,” Kat condemns the stranger’s actions. “That’s… unbelievable. Can’t two girls be friends without everyone getting lit-up like it’s something new? What century are we in?”

Internally, it makes her second-guess her own friendships, wondering how she’d deal with the aftermath if Jane or Sutton ever acted that way once her sexuality was finally solidified ━ not that, in any light, she believes they would; just thinking or daydreaming about if your closest friends turned their back on you, how you’d react and what you’d feel… it’s a lot to handle, and it’s something that delivers a new perspective as she continues the conversation with Adena. It’s practically the definition of betrayal, Kat thinks.

“Some people are unbelievable, yes. Some people… cling onto their identity like it’s physically a part of them, and they don’t care how it makes them look,” again, Adena sighs. “They’re afraid of change,” she tells both of them, like she’s offering an excuse for her ex-friend. “Or I can at least say that from my experiences, and people I’ve come into contact with. It’s not my place to change their minds, though.”

“You changed mine,” sensing her girlfriend falling down a rabbit hole of old wounds and probable regrets, Kat smiles and displays affection to take her mind in a new direction; not everything is as hopeless as it seems from past experiences. “Thank you for saving me from my ‘straight’ self.”

Adena laughs at her praise, shaking her head to wipe the dopey smile off her face. The two fall quiet again, though the curt silence is diminished shortly after.

“Whatever you choose to label yourself, if you choose to label yourself…” Adena treads carefully, though her eyes portray the remnants of her prior smile, “just make sure it doesn’t dictate your view on certain issues or situations, or take over the Kat we know and love.”

“It won’t,” she shakes her head heavily. “I’m done seeing the world as entirely divided, like you’ve ignored one side of the aisle because you identify as another. I’m not doing that anymore. Not only on this subject, but all of them. Well,” one eye squints in thought, “most of them, at least. The chocolate versus vanilla debate is still going strong, and, for that, there’s only one correct side to be on.”

It gets another laugh, this time a shared round of giggles following as Adena nods in acceptance with a quiet, believing “Okay, good.”

Kat only studies Adena, demeanor full of love and admiration for the girl sitting near her as things quiet down and they’re left staring at each other through a thick, tense warmth that’s more smitten than something sultry. The eye contact brings Adena to remember that she never responded to the other girl’s wonder from before, so she presses her tongue to her inner cheek before adjusting her positioning on the bed.

“To answer your question…” she mutters, “I started feeling something for you almost immediately.”

“What?” the girl beams. “Are you serious?”

“You were persistent and confident, you had an argument for just about everything,” nodding her head, Adena remembers their first interaction, being more like a conflict than welcoming, but she purses her lips in entertainment. “It was intriguing, to say the least.”

“Was it a turn on?” her signature charm shines through, squinted eyes and smirk strong as if she already knows the answer ━ as if she’s convinced that she’s not wrong.

A laugh is heard, “In a mild sense of it, sure.”

“Mild? No way.”

“I was drawn to you,” Adena stays honest, giving Kat a simple thing to chew on. “I… wanted to know who you were, where you came from. Not just in a business setting, but as a person.”

“Have I lived up to your expectations?”

It’s initially just another flirtatious remark, but they both detect something more serious to the question, like the girl still wants reassurance that she’s doing this whole thing correctly. For that reason, Adena’s features soften, reaching for Kat’s hand and lacing their fingers together despite the weird angle they’re at.

“You’ve exceeded them.”

“Really?” Kat smiles big once more, and the expression is matched within a millisecond.

“Really.”

Both girls lean in at almost the same rate, though Kat seems a little more eager to connect their lips because, hell, knowing that she hasn’t messed things up too much just eases her mind further. She knows that, sure, maybe she shouldn’t believe that she’s fucked up at all ━ at least not enough to drive Adena away ━ but there’s always that lingering worry that she’ll lose a sense of who she’s become and she’ll revert back to the Kat who couldn’t stand commitment. Knowing that Adena has taken her quirks stride by stride is beyond reassuring and comforting, like a certain puzzle piece has been found after years of not even bothering to search for it. Perhaps that cliché saying is true: you’ll find what you’ve been searching for once you finally stop and let it come to you on its own.

She smiles into the kiss, laughing partly when Adena begins to back up with an inquisitive look in her eyes, but, instead of being overly cheesy and letting her girlfriend in on what she’s actually been thinking about, Kat evokes a new memory with a teasing, childish reminder:

“Does this mean our real, first official date was us putting vibrators together?”

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

[angel-deux-writes]

Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference. 

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me. 

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”. 

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!” 

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be. 

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake! 

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.

[wedreamedlove]

I'd love to know what you headcanon Xu Mo's mbti as! I've seen a lot of INTJ and INFJ but I feel like you've done so much research into his character (which I am a HUGE fan of by the way, your character studies are top notch honestly) that you'd have a good grasp on what his is the closest to 😊

first, thank you for enjoying my character studies! i feel like i spammed the tag by throwing in everything all at once, haha, oops.

second, before i get into this, i should disclaimer that i actually don’t know much about mbti apart from being intimately familiar with my own. which leads into the next part.

third, i’d definitely label xu mo as an intj which just so happens to be what i am. (funny enough, he’s also a sun scorpio when i’m a moon scorpio which, overly simplified, means we feel and approach things similarly but he does it publicly while i do it privately).

the reason i don’t think he’s an infj is from these sources: 16personalties and type in mind. i’ve put links for those who want to do their own reading but i’ll sum it up below.

basically, infjs are compassionate in their idealism and their second and third dominant function in approaching the world is external feeling and internal thinking. infjs are talented with connecting to people and want to do it warmly. they think the world is filled with inequity when it doesn’t have to be and will work to fix that.

this is the opposite of intj who have external thinking (objective decisions; efficiency in all things) and internal feeling (mull over details; slower to process emotions) as their second and third dominant function, respectively. sounds more like xu mo just from these words, right?

in the glimpses we get of xu mo’s childhood, there’s an impression that he was an isolated child who didn’t care for connecting with others, and he had a single-minded focus:

[Lucien Nightmare SR Rumors and Secrets: Lion Slumbering in the Dorm] shows that he was a quiet kid who minded his own business and was studying advanced topics because he was focused on a goal.

[Blossom Date] supports this too when xu mo says: “Yes, I skipped grades […] Silly, you want to hear about everything, don’t you. It’s the same as how you were before you took your entrance exams, there were things I needed to do.”

[CN Character Profile] there’s a testimony from someone who knew xu mo as a child: “Xu Mo? We’ve only seen one side, but he looks a lot like the small boy I knew when I was young, but Xu Mo’s attitude is much more modest. If that boy is still alive, I hope he’s living like someone as likable as Xu Mo.” — Fan Zihang

xu mo’s idealism is based on cold logical utilitarianism. you see this in the news conference [Chapter 16] when he talks about necessary sacrifices for the advancement of humanity, including himself. [Firefly Date] also has him asserting his belief in mistaken darwinism: survival of the fittest.

the world is full of inequity and he’s not going to change that. the bigger picture is for humanity to ascend with the least amount of casualties, meaning sacrifices have to be made willingly or not.

his ideals, and his methods (creating the virus and then changing his mind in Chapter 16), are pretty much the epitome of: “you were so busy wondering if you could that you never questioned if you should”.

this sort of detached chessboard outlook, not leaving things to chance, massive ambition, the ability to cut off and drop their emotions if it gets in the way, and the intelligence and logical paths to reach that goal is pure intj.

however! i think some people get mistaken in believing intjs to be cold robots and that’s why there may be opinions about xu mo being something else (because he’s socially savvy, right?).

imo it’s a misconception that intjs are robots when it’s just because intjs start off life with underdeveloped emotions. this just means that, in order to fully mature as a person, intjs have to put more effort into developing their emotional side. so ideally adult intjs should be more in touch with their emotions and interacting socially than adolescent intjs.

this is where the type in mind comes in handy again. there are some key quotes in there like:

When NiTe’s are younger, they don’t have enough past experience in various areas of life to pull from in order to know which reactions would be appropriate in social and relational settings. Their safest bet is often to try a small tweak to see if it makes a difference, rather than trying an entirely new approach.

remember fan zihang’s testimony? the present xu mo is more modest and humble than the child version, and he’s clearly more personable than how he was during his high school years (girls love him at the research university). he’s clearly worked on his social skills.

not to mention, it’s not a coincidence that a lot of fictional villains are modeled off of the burning drive and cold logic of intj but still having massive amounts of charm (ex. moriarty and hannibal). intjs, being all about efficiency, can easily put their scary intelligence to use in studying social interactions and mastering that.

but, anyway, to move on a lighter note there’s other smaller traits xu mo exhibits that point him strongly towards being an intj, like having encylopedic knowledge on a ton of things (an esoteric knowledge too, not just science-related).

his extreme curiosity towards things that would push him to do unusual things like watching cartoons to understand human nature [CN Character Profile].

his natural confidence and lack of a need to demonstrate it unless you ask him directly about something (i strongly believe li zeyan is an entj so he and xu mo share a lot of similar qualities too, like this one). they know they’re smarter than a majority of people and they’re so used to this that it’s not a point of pride or anything. just a fact.

xu mo also has an open mind which shows when he listens to whatever MC says without judgment. he takes things in like a sponge and then vigorously tests it in his mind with the tried and true “does this make sense?” “will it work?” and then he’ll gently guide the MC to a better and more efficient path, if he believes there is one.

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.