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captnjacksparrow · 4 years ago

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I just got into the fandom and I love it so much. However, there are parts where I just cringe. I’m going to be completely honest when I say I can’t see SS being a thing, a healthy one at that. A rumor said that Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him. I just... find it utterly bullshit. Hell, even I do ship narusasu, I tried to be open minded and not fall too far off canon or the characters. I don’t understand how Sasuke had those feelings for her when all he did was shown the opposite and it felt genuine. He seem always annoyed and pushes her away. She kept forcing her feelings on him when he makes it clear that he’s not interested. I don’t hate the ship because it’s not my ship but because it’s extremely toxic. It feels one-sided (Sakura’s side) more than anything and it’s makes it hard to believe he had those feelings for her. I mean, on the second episode of season five, she confessed and poured out her heart and he blew it off. I cringed hard and was beyond disappointed because she’s making it about herself. That’s literally how I feel about their damn “relationship”. She made it about her and her only. When he’s hurting, it’s about her. It’s so annoying and it makes me see how self-centered Sakura. When she said she understood Sasuke, I wanted to scream (I nearly did but my family is sleeping and I don’t need a lecture.) She doesn’t know Jackshit about Sasuke besides he’s the only survivor of his decease clan, he’s a loner who cares only about himself, and he’s attractive. She’s just like every other fangirl expect she’s on his team. I’m trying my best not to hate her but Damn she’s really pushing it. Anything that annoyed me was that she made it seem like they were dating, again making it about herself and her feelings. She sent Naruto to get Sasuke for her benefits, so she can keep him. Again, disregarding Sasuke’s feelings and what he wanted. Naruto should’ve said “I’ll bring him back because HE wants too, to keep HIM safe, not for you.” I just can’t with this ship. I’m still wondering why the hell is it even a thing? Also find it beyond pitiful how she stayed with Sasuke in Boruto when he left for 12-13 years?! No note. No checking up. Nothing. Hell, Sarada doesn’t know how her own father looks like or the truth of her mother. Both of them were miserable and I find it absolutely ridiculous when SS shippers still say “they’re in love” or they’re OTP. If that’s what true love looks like (good thing it’s not), then I’d die single. I can’t be the only one who thinks this ship is just as bad as Harley Quinn x Joker.

First off, Thanks for this lovely ask @larrycherry04 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I've always wanted to write about this and your ask is the perfect timing.

Disclaimer: SS shippers, Sakura fans!!! Don’t read this post!!

Me being an SNS shipper, I am just going to write this from a non-SNS perspective. Meaning, I am going to consider Naruto and Sasuke are just friends or rivals.

Bear with my lengthy answer.

Where do I even begin?

A rumor said that Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him.

I think this rumor is from a light novel called Akatsuki Hiden or whatever shit. But for me, it looks like a pathetic attempt to convince those horny women shippers who would pay any money to read a romance which mirrors their own love life where they desire an ‘unreachable & handsome’ man who has this ‘cool & overbearing’ aura and carries this ‘bad boy badass’ vibe. They would do anything to get the attention from this boy. Until this point is where the reality ends.

What they really wants to happen and fantasize is somehow that handsome man, one day, will look only them and recognize their love and becomes a ‘soft’ guy who would bring the heavens for them and treats her like a princess. That fantasy led them to buy these novels and believe everything while completely disregarding the canon material. And those novels are aimed at these type of women.

You must have been wondering now, ‘I have seen these type of shit somewhere’!!!!!

That’s right.

50 Shades of Grey, Twilight, Beauty and the Beast, 100′s of K-Drama, C-Drama follow this shit romance trope and it’s regrettably fucking popular.

In other words, Don’t believe anything apart from the canonic resources.

Let’s dissect the canon materials about SS.

TEAM 7

This is how it all started

Does anyone see anything positive here????

Well, I am not.

Sakura wanted to impress Sasuke. Since, Naruto always picks fight with Sasuke, she badmouthed Naruto in the hopes that Sasuke will recognize some common ground with her which may develop into a friendship. But she shot her own foot.

[Regardless, I hated her here and she never redeemed herself, for her being completely insensitive & oblivious towards Sasuke’s life, the boy she loves]

Technically, Sasuke should have said ‘You’re Annoying’ towards Naruto for kissing him before the class and tying him up later. Here, Sakura is simply badmouthing another guy. He, somehow, find this very annoying than anything Naruto did earlier.

Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him.

Am definitely not seeing any feelings here.

ZABUZA ARC

Alright, much later, somehow Sasuke started to integrate into team 7 and started to see them as a Family. No denial here. He started to care about everyone in his team at some point. Which was evident from the way he thought to himself, ‘That was Sakura’s voice... What is Kakashi doing?’

But does it means he hopelessly fell in love with her??? Nope.

It’s just a team camaraderie where he was worried about his teammate. If he has special feelings towards her, he should have said ‘I must go save Sakura’ or something along the line.

But, later in that episode, he went on to die for Naruto and even at his dying moments he didn’t think about Sakura or Team 7. It was all about someone else.

Even seconds before falling into Naruto’s arms, Sasuke was smiling with no regrets.

It was funny very later that after he got up from his temporary death, rather than consoling her like ‘Sakura, Don’t cry. Am alright’ or anything, he was asking ‘Where’s Naruto?’. LOL.

Even much later, when Sakura was asking him about a date, he bluntly said ‘I refuse’.

So, you’re telling me, throughout this arc, a boy blinded with hatred can able to pout, play childish games, train and die for a boy but when it comes to Sakura he can’t show his feelings???

Sorry, I don’t see romance here. Not in this arc.

Whether you agree or not, every parent has their favorite child, every child has their favorite parent. Even within your family, you always have a special person.

For Sasuke, Itachi was that person in his real family. Sakura was not that person in his Team 7 family. It was Naruto.

CHUNIN EXAMS ARC

This arc is where those SS shippers celebrates a lot and I know why. Remember earlier I talked about that shitty 50 Shades of Grey romantic trope??? The following scene vaguely falls under that pattern.

A guy loses his control because of a cursed seal and beats up the guys who hurt one of his teammates which happens to be a girl and calms down after seeing the girl.

That Infamous back hug.

I understand why SS people lose their mind with that scene. And I don’t blame them. I am going to throw their own proof at them.

So, this First databook, tells us that he finally sees both Naruto and Sakura as comrades and his heart softens from the path of revenge, a little bit.

Definitely, Sakura’s tears or love towards him stopped his rampage. But nothing says about whether Sasuke loves her back.

Much later, Sasuke also stops his cursed seal on his own after thinking about worried Sakura and a screaming Naruto (Who don’t know about this seal thingy at that time).

Well, whatever. That databook has another funny fact, that too in the same page.

LOL. Weird!!!! This accidental kiss unravels Sasuke’s heart ❤️❤️???? 🤣🤣🤣

So, influencing Sasuke’s heart can be attributed to both his teammates,according to this databook. Atleast upto this arc. There are no special feelings for Sakura alone, guys.

Proof?

If Sasuke really considers her in a romantic light (this is after that back hug), he doesn’t have to do this at all. Believe me, Love is all about subconsciously or purposefully enjoying or feeling little touches. Those touches can be through eyes, memories or physical. Sakura is delighted with his touch because she loves him but Sasuke just see her as a comrade and keeping his distance but this time very politely.

If Kishi really likes these couple, he doesn’t have to make this scene at all. It’s not just this one instance, he rejected her twice very bluntly before this saying ‘Don’t cling to me!!!’, ‘Sakura, you’re heavy!!!’.

If you say her back hug is a token of romance, then I can say ‘this’ kiss is also a token of romance. You can’t ignore one while keeping the other.

Anyways, at the end of the arc, Orochimaru is the best judge to identify who can change Sasuke’s heart. And that person is not Sakura.

DEPARTURE

she confessed and poured out her heart and he blew it off. I cringed hard and was beyond disappointed because she’s making it about herself. That’s literally how I feel about their damn “relationship”. She made it about her and her only. When he’s hurting, it’s about her. It’s so annoying and it makes me see how self-centered Sakura. When she said she understood Sasuke, I wanted to scream (I nearly did but my family is sleeping and I don’t need a lecture.) She doesn’t know Jackshit about Sasuke besides he’s the only survivor of his decease clan, he’s a loner who cares only about himself, and he’s attractive.

You know what, Larry??? You are 1000% right.

But, atleast, I thought she was genuine in the first part of the proposal, like saying ‘Revenge is not good’.....bla bla.. Because, Revenge will never satisfy a person completely and I agree. Then she took a 180 degree by saying ‘Take me with you, Sasuke-Kun. I’ll make you happy’. This is where I lost it entirely. ‘Alright Bitch, So you really don’t care about his revenge or health. As long as you have the chance to get inside his pants, you are okay with it. So you are okay with Sasuke going to Orochimaru as long as you are with him..... Fucking Shit!!!!’ This is not okay at all.

How did Sasuke respond?

“Why should I have to tell you anything”

“I’m telling you to keep your nose out of my business”

“Stop bothering me over everything I do”

Ummm..... where I come from, this screams ‘Irritation’ to me. Added to it, throughout the whole conversation he never saw her face. There was evidently no pain or anything from his face. On top the cake, here comes the cherry

“You really are...annoying”

This is where he saw her face throughout that painful confession before knocking her out. Umm... When you love someone or atleast feel for someone, you will look in their eyes and speak some farewell words before you leave. Or atleast show some pain??? There’s visibly nothing from Sasuke’s face.

Alright, I know what SS wankers will pull out here. That Databook 2 with some vague words. I am going to throw this at them.

Again, like I acknowledged before, he considers her as a comrade and part of a family. So, her existence also eased his loneliness. But you have to look at the word choice here. “The one that filled his lonely existence was Sakura”. It’s not the ‘Only’ person. Before he left he said ‘Thanks’. Meaning, Thanks for all these days. That’s all between us.

This piece was about the Team 7 picture. So he acknowledges, he was not alone during his genin days because of his companions and Kakashi (so it’s not just Sakura to ease his loneliness). Whatever he said to Sakura was real.

So can we safely confirm “You’re annoying” is real????

But what’s really interesting is the way Sasuke projects himself before Naruto. I am going to refrain myself from attaching all those rollercoaster of emotions flowed throughout the fight in VoTE 1. Otherwise, it will become an SNS post.

However, this particular scene caught my attention.

Ummm.... Initially Sasuke walks without looking at Naruto. Then he looks back and answers him.

Naruto was pretty much asking the same question as Sakura. “Why does it come to this?”

But Sasuke pauses and surprised for a moment and asks him pretty much “Why do you care about me?”

Why couldn’t Sasuke do the same with Sakura???? Kishi can pretty much make a panel or two rather than making some insulting panels.

Anyways, If they throw the databook, then I can also throw the same.

Alright, can someone explain the highlighted sentence for me???? Because I want to confirm whether I have a blurry vision.

Here, Sasuke is trying to punctuate Naruto as a different person from the rest of his companions. ‘his companions as well as that with Naruto’, I mean, Come on!!!! Naruto is also one of your companions along with Sakura. Why differentiate????

‘The village, companions, Naruto,....’ . Again....He is differentiating his home (village), companions (his friends), and Naruto. So who is Naruto for him? What is the need to make exception for Naruto? It’s very clear he is placing Naruto at a high pedestal for some unknown reasons.

Before this Databook dissection, remember I said something about saying Goodbye, ‘ When you love someone or at least feel for someone, you will look into that person’s eyes and speak some farewell words before you leave‘

Sasuke is doing exactly that here in this scene without saying anything.

Am sorry SS shippers, you can scream all you want about Sasuke knocked her out and left her on the bench. But there was no emotional distraught when he left her. Sasuke seemingly spent a longer time staring at Naruto than looking at Sakura when she confessed.

OROCHIMARU HIDEOUT

Well, there is nothing I can say about here for SS. He pretty much saw her and said, “Sakura, huh?”.. And that’s all. He didn’t give two shits about her.

His attention was completely on someone else.

UNDER THE BRIDGE

She sent Naruto to get Sasuke for her benefits, so she can keep him. Again, disregarding Sasuke’s feelings and what he wanted. Naruto should’ve said “I’ll bring him back because HE wants too, to keep HIM safe, not for you.”

Naruto pretty much said the same thing in this arc, Larry. Naruto, in part 1, was happy for Sakura feeling the same about Sasuke as him, that is ‘To bring him back’. And also sad that his crush really loves someone else. But after Sakura gave up on Sasuke and faking her confession, Naruto decided, ‘Alright, I want to save him personally. I don’t care about our promise anymore”.

This is where, SS ship goes into a crazy ride and it’s not a positive one.

Sasuke was on a rampage. He lost the ability to differentiate between his friends and foes. He stabbed Karin. And when he find her alive, he was about to Chidori her.

And then comes the pink princess, full of lies and deceit. And Sasuke being impatient and disgusted with her lies, he does this

Well, in part 1, she had a degree of power to change his heart. But not here. He, instead, got riled up more and even tried to kill her without a warning and that too by not looking at her face. Pathetic!!!!

This scene screams ‘Trust issues’ from both sides.

Did it stop here???

Fucking Shit!!!!!! Is there any people who still ship this nonsense?. If you are a Sakura fan, you should hate her for the lack of trust and backstabbing the person she loves,

If you are a Sasuke fan, errrrmmm.....I have nothing to say. You know what to do.

There is nothing positive here, that can make me ship them. He is killing her like a Mosquito.

If you truly loved someone in the past, even in your darkest moments, you will be honest and you cannot fake before that person.

Proof??

Here, Sasuke had a clear resolve to kill his brother, Itachi. He lived for this moment for about 8 years and immersed himself in Darkness for 3 years with Orochimaru. He could have run away, dodge or look away from Itachi. But Sasuke simply couldn’t!!! You know why?? Sasuke loved Itachi once more than anything in this world. At this moment, he is letting all those defense loose and embracing the moment and see what Itachi was about to do. Because somewhere in his heart he trusts Itachi.

But killing Sakura doesn’t make Sasuke feel anything. She is just another victim like Danzo or Karin or all those Samurais or a fucking mosquito!!!!

So you are telling me that Sasuke had feelings for her but kept it hidden all along and still tried to kill her like a pest???

Give me a fucking break!!!!

And you all know, who changed Sasuke’s heart here in this scene. It was not Sakura. There’s absolutely no reason for Sasuke to listen to that person and what’s more, Sasuke even made a promise (despite being in darkness, he had it in his heart to listen to that person) to destroy Konoha only after killing that person ..

WAR ARC

Well, this is the arc where Sakura behaves like a rabid dog on heat waiting for Sasuke and shamelessly trying to wag her tails. But Sasuke didn’t give two shits about her, not once or twice but multiple times.

MOMENT 1

An explosion was about to kill the whole shinobi alliance and this dude wants to save Jugo, his companion and Naruto, the person who will challenge his Revolution, his rival and the one whom he wants to kill. Why only Naruto??? Why not Naruto and Sakura???

Pink cherry Queen doesn’t even crossed Sasuke’s mind. Because he already threw her away in part 1.

MOMENT 2

Alright Bitch!!! The entire shinobi alliance was dying on the other side of the battlefield. And this asshole is doing a clownshow before Madara just to get inside Sasuke’s pants????

I mean, Come On!!!!

Well, if Sasuke truly likes her, he should be the one to have catched her or atleast should have asked her, ‘are you alright??’

I am sorry, where are the romantic feelings???

MOMENT 3

ROFLLLL🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

For the first time, Kishimoto is trolling those Sakutards through Sasuke’s words, what we, readers were right about all along. He is calling her useless here. And still these fake feminazis trying to ship her with him???

Don’t you guys have any self respect??? If so, this should be the moment to jump out of this trash ship.

MOMENT 4

Geez!!! You are still on this ship?????

He clearly doesn’t want to save her at all. The hawk can clearly lift 3 people. Sasuke is not even making an effort here.

And you are still yapping that he is blinded by darkness???

MOMENT 5

This is the moment SS calls it as ‘eyesmex’... While in reality, he was just looking at her and silently thanking her for helping him out. Do you know what is a real ‘eyesmex’??? I will attach it at the end.

If you guys pull this as true love, then he should have stayed in the same love till the end. But Sasuke has other ideas.

This is the one of the funniest thing in this arc. LOLLLLL

Instead of being relieved that Sakura was saved, Sasuke was wondering about Kakashi’s Susanoo.....and Sharingan.

Do people still think he cares about her????

MOMENT 6

Am cackling here, while dissecting the sorry state of this ship guys 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣!!!! If something good happens to me because of SS , it’s just the way you guys are making me laugh by making a clown out of yourself!!!!

Do you guys know something? There was a man named Itachi. Before massacring his clan, the very first person he killed was his ‘supposed’ Girlfriend, named Izumi. I wouldn’t say Itachi loved her like a lover boy. It was just one sided on her part. He just talks to her when he finds a spare time and considers her a good friend.

Do you know how he killed her?

By putting her in a ‘Tsukuyomi’. And what kind of Tsukuyomi, you ask?

Can you see how he fulfilled her dreams gracefully before he was going to kill her???

Why didn’t Sasuke do this???? Why particularly select a murdering genjutsu????

MOMENT 7

He said it, finally.

He don’t love her at all. There was no hidden feelings. He admitted from his own mouth.

One day later, after the final VoTE battle ends.... After exchanging some intense feelings and even crying tears of happiness with Naruto....

Sasuke tells Sakura, ‘Sorry’....

Ummm.... That’s all???

All those negative shits happened before cannot be solved by just simply saying ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’. If someone has an ounce of self-respect, they should know this is not OKAY at all...🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️

Am Sorry, but Sasuke was just being politely blunt, kind of insincere towards Sakura and turned his attention somewhere else in a matter of minutes. He was not even bothered by Sakura’s tears here. Instead staring at someone on his left. Remember I talked about touching the person physically and visually?

Sasuke is subconsciously or purposefully touching someone on his left through his eyes. Definitely it’s not Sakura. You know who it is. Remember SStards’ infamous ‘eyesmex’... I seriously believe this is a perfect example of ‘eyesmex’.

All these intense looks and feeling pain still doesn’t serve Sakura, even after pulled out of darkness. If there is a moment, where SS wants to shine, then this is where it should be. He should have told her, how he missed her all along, how he felt about hurting her, should have wiped her tears and some corny shit. But instead, Sasuke went for a long ass monologue for his friend and talking about sharing his pain.

What about your kween’s pain????

You don’t have to ship SNS. But you should know where Sasuke’s priorities are.

It’s not Sakura.

Sasuke said ‘Sorry’ to Karin too. ‘Thank you’ to Kakashi as well.

And what’s even more pathetic is, still Sakura wants to get inside Sasuke’s pants by accompanying him. Bitch, you can help your village, console your best friend Ino who lost her father, try to surpass Tsunade, improve your skills or whatever... Why bother him???

So, if you really think ‘Thank you’ as a token of love, then I can’t help it but term Sakura as a rabid dog who waits for her master to come home and throw some bones whenever he finds time. Your standards for a romantic love is piss poor and you will suffer just like Sakura in Boruto with just emptiness. All Sasuke did was poke her forehead just like Itachi which symbolizes keeping someone at a distance. He also said the same words to her just like Itachi said to him many times ‘Mata kondo da’ meaning ‘Maybe next time’. And we all knew that next time never came for Sasuke.

Now all we see is a Sasuke as an absentee father in Boruto for which I don’t blame him. He was never a marriage material in the first place. Sakura and the Manga Editors forced him and she is paying for it.

Hell, Sarada doesn’t know how her own father looks like or the truth of her mother. Both of them were miserable and I find it absolutely ridiculous when SS shippers still say “they’re in love” or they’re OTP.

All I want to say to SS shippers is, Your Ship Has Sailed Already. You cannot expect Sasuke to go lovey dovey towards Sakura with a 12 year old daughter around and for fuck’s sake, this is not a romance manga, it’s a battle manga. So stop dreaming about this kind of non-existential romance and pull yourself altogether.

#naruto analysis #ask #sasunaru #sasunarusasu #anti sakura #anti sasusaku

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sk-lumen · 3 years ago

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Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

#mental health #toxic relationship #toxic environment #boundaries #parenthood #ask #tw? not sure what to tag just in case #tw: swearing #tw: mental health #tw: anxiety

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devourer--of--books · 8 years ago

Text

blinking in the starlight

I am so excited to tell you that I actually did it. You may ask yourself, what is this crazy bitch up to now?

So, as some of you might know, during Tagatha Ship Week 2016 I originaly had planned to do a Tangled AU one shot. It turned out messy because I had to rush the whole thing to be able to write it in one day, so that draft was deleted. However, I decided to go down this road and write an actual multichapter story. I think it will be about 12 chapters long? Maybe a few bonus chapters along the way? Not sure yet. What I do know is that updates will be slow, perhaps once a month? I keep all information on progress and updating on my profile at FF.net (https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4592257/), so if you wanna know what I’m up to or when the next chapter will be posted, check it out.

Disclaimer: I do not own The School For Good And Evil series and all characters belong to Soman.

Warning: As always, language, because I have a sailor’s mouth. Not half as many as in “if you’re not the bride”, but stil.

- Cece

Caged Birds Don’t Sing

Happy ever after is a little more boring than Sophie thought it would be.

As she finished another book, the blonde young beauty couldn’t help but frown. Yet again, the princess rode off into the sunshine, with a dashing prince, to a ginormous diamond castle, and guess what, “they lived happily ever after, the end”.

How… unoriginal.

Sitting at the big chair placed at the center of the library, Sophie let mind wander around a bit. How about a plot twist? “Princess decides to travel the world”? Or maybe “princess makes new friends and throws the sickest party ever after”?

Not that she was ungrateful.

Sophie had everything one could wish for. She lived in a magnificent luxurious tower, with maids that attended to her every will, all kinds of beauty cosmetics to make sure her wellbeing was a hundred per cent perfect, and she had the most handsome prince in the world.

She had fancy groom-rooms, tons of jewels and dresses, all the shoes a woman could ever hope to own. She was beautiful, rich, charming and she lived the dream. She was a real life princess.

It’s just… When she read about in her fairytale books it always seemed a little bit… greater? After all, she couldn’t even remember most of her own story. She was just a child when it happened.

“Lady Sophie?” her personal maid, Kiko, called by the door. “It’s time for your bath”.

Kiko had been assigned to her a few years ago. She was a little darling thing and definitely an upgrade from that annoying Beatrix girl that used to occupy that position. Beatrix always had that small smirk on her face and the only thing worse than her attitude was that look she sometimes sent Sophie. It made the princess’ blood boil.

Blue eyes filled with pity. Ugh.

Yes, Kiko, the sickly sweet maid that could never look her in the eye was definitely an upgrade.

“Oh” Sophie raised her eyebrow, slowly looking away from her book while lazily uncrossing her long legs “Is it lavender or enchanted bubbles?”

“W-which one would your highness prefer?” Kiko asked quietly, eyes looking downwards to Sophie’s velvet pink heels.

“Both” She answered uninterested, dismissing the shy maid.

The same thing, every day.

Wake up, morning routine, breakfast, free time, lunch, free time, lessons, free time, afternoon routine, free time, guard switch, dinner, free time, night routine, sleep. Wake up, morning routine, breakfast …

Ugh.

You would think that for someone with so much free time, Sophie would have found something to do with it. The thing was, it was called free time, but there was a surprisingly lack of freedom involved.

No matter how many times Rafal explained it was for her own safety, Sophie couldn’t help but wonder what could lie beyond the enormous walls of her tower.

It was a dangerous world, all kinds of sorcerers and black-magic-users could attack her, bandits could get her, she could even end up as a meal to some savage beast, bla bla bla. She got it, really.

But she had already read and re-read every book on the library, no matter how many books her prince would bring her. Her maids took care of the tower, no need to cook, or clean or anything. The gallery could only fit so many portraits and Sophie knew every single detail by heart.

She would ask him when he got home. After dinner, tomorrow.

But tomorrow seemed so far away…

“Sophie?!” The rude exclamation echoes from the main room, and Sophie’s mood turns south very fast.

Aric, the main general of her guard.

Also known as the bane of her existence.

How many times she complained to Rafal about him? Her prince would always dismiss her frustration, presenting her a new jewel as a peace offering, and while Sophie appreciated the gifts, she would trade them all for a chance to kick Aric’s sorry behind all the way down from her tower.

Aric was rude, bad mannered, scary as hell and his only joy came from working the other guards to death and annoying the daylights out of her.

“Lady Sophie, Aric” she gritted her teeth, forcing a polite smile, as she entered the room. “Know your place, will you?”

“My apologies” he smirked, mock bowing, violet eyes never leaving hers.

As always, Aric was dressed in his sweaty black and green uniform, wolfy smile in place and looking at her with that superior attitude that pushed her buttons in all the wrong ways.

Sophie suppressed the instinct of backing away from him, knowing that acknowledging his attempt to intimidate her would only serve to amuse him.

“Apology accepted,” She granted eyeing the general cautiously. “What are you doing here?”

“Master Rafal sent a falcon today. He’s coming for lunch tomorrow, so the guard switch will be done earlier” Aric explains, toying with the small dagger he carried in his sleeve. “Didn’t he tell you, lady?

"No.” Sophie answers, crossing her arms while transferring her weight to one leg “Why would he do that?”

“Does it matter? Ask him yourself.”

“You should stop this attitude, Aric. A little bird by the window told me you were late to work yesterday. Careful, or…”

Aric tensed up, his right hand gripping the silver dagger.

“Or what? I’m pretty sure where I go is my business. You, however, should watch your step…”

“Is this a threat?” Sophie asks, her voice low and incredulous.

A shiver goes down her spine as in a swift movement Aric throws the dagger.

The sharp blade shatters the window, the shards barely missing the blonde waves of her hair and the general smirks while admiring his work.

“I thought I saw a bird. They’re common at this time of the year. Interesting, I keep seeing them near the windows, don’t you agree that they should know their place and mind their business? Accidents do happen, could be dangerous.”

Sophie doesn’t say a thing, green eyes glaring at him.

“Don’t forget to close the curtains; It will take a while to get that window repaired and Master hates birds inside the tower” Aric taunts her in his way out.

Kiko and some other maid appear to clean up the shattered glass, but Sophie doesn’t stay to see the damage. It’s everywhere, and the curtain is probably ripped. Great.

She’s partly furious and partly terrified, her hands shaking like a leaf.

That tended to be the effect Aric caused every single time he went within a ten-meter radius from her.

Not that Rafal would ever let anything happen to her. He promised.

And soon enough Rafal would be back home. Then she could ask him.

Ask him to take her with him the next time he left.

Sophie is hopeful.

She always is this time of the year. Is near her birthday (tomorrow) and Rafal always visits on her birthday. Ever since he rescued her he visits every two months or so (running kingdoms must keep him busy), but he always stays an extra day or two for her birthday.

Usually she goes straight to bed after her night routine, but today, Sophie sits by her bedroom’s window.

It’s a beautiful view. The forest that surrounds the tower looks emerald green during the day, but Sophie liked it better during the night, when the moon and the stars color the trees in shades of grey and silver. Beyond the trees Rafal told her there are kingdoms, full of evil kings and witches.

Sophie doesn’t doubt him, of course not, but she can’t help but think that it was quite a waste for such beautiful woods to be infested with beasts and bandits and for such evil kingdoms to produce such an alluring light.

Oh yes, the lights.

The beautiful lights that came into view a few days after her birthday, at the beginning of spring. At night, one by one, the lights colored the sky, orange, yellow and gold lit up the sky, irradiating warm and comfort.

Rafal told her it was a festival. The witches set fire to the sky so all the birds would be burnt and fall to the ground.

And that’s why she should stay in her tower, where she was safe. So no harm would ever come to her.

My little bird, Rafal called her.

Because Sophie was a princess for a reason, you see.

She could sing.

But unlike any other singer, she did not sing songs. Oh no. Sophie sang people.

Rafal, mostly.

Everyone had a special tune, an essence. Her prince asked her to sing his at least once every time he visited. He told her that his tune reminded him of the birds that sang every day outside his window when he was a child.

That it made him feel young.

Sophie did not understand what kind of bird could sing such a melancholic melody. Rafal would laugh and then whisper in her ear:

“Blue falcons, Sophie. They are native from my kingdom.”

She wanted to ask more.

But she didn’t, and the information wasn’t offered either.

Tonight, sitting by the window, bathing in moonlight, Sophie tried to remember.

Rafal’s song was slow and husky, in a dark and dangerous pace.

Her mother’s song used to be soft and sophisticated, like an expensive velvet dress.

But Sophie couldn’t remember her own song.

She sang it every day as a child. But, like magic, she forgot.

Rafal told her it might have been a scar from pos-trauma. From her fairytale.

Sophie doesn’t remember when it was exactly, but she might have been around ten.

She lived in a luxurious house in a big estate. Her mother had inherited from a wealthy uncle or something. She loved Sophie’s voice, told her to sing every day. Her father wasn’t much of a fan.

One day, a dark old wizard attempted to kidnap her, so he could sell her voice for money to buy more ingredients for his potions. Rafal was passing nearby and heard the fighting between her father and the wizard.

Her mother hid her in a closet. Told Sophie she should stay there.

Sophie remember screwing her eyes shut and singing her song quietly.

After what felt like hours, someone came to her rescue.

A dashing young man, with shiny white hair and intense eyes greeted her. Told her that her parents were dead, but he was a prince and could keep her safe.

Even back then, Rafal was gorgeous.

And she lived happily ever after ever since.

Tired, Sophie decided that maybe she should have gone to bed: Now, she was tired and Rafal liked her better when she looked her best.

Stupid Aric.

Sophie’s high heels clicked against the expensive dark marble floor as she paced back and forth, her hand gripping the hairbrush hard enough that her knuckles were turning white.

He should already be here.

The guard switch was done earlier. Aric was supposed be here already. If Rafal arrived and he wasn’t here, his mood would be ruined.

Then, there was no way for Sophie to ask him her birthday gift.

To leave with him.

Oh, she was going to kick Aric out of this tower.

As soon as he got here.

Distracted by her angry-pacing Sophie did not hear the sound of the door opening.

A cold hand gripped her shoulder and she screamed on the top of her lungs, tripping on her heels. Instinctively, Sophie pointed her hairbrush to the stranger, wielding it like one would a sword.

“Woah.” Rafal exclaimed, backing away, hands up in mock surrender. His serious composure was intact as always, but his eyes looked amused. He offered her a hand.

“Hello.” Sophie answered, taking up on his offer “What do you find so funny?”

“Your brush” He told her, brow raised “What would you have done if I was actually an intruder? Get back or I’ll brush your hair?”

“Well, if the intruder was you, it would have worked. Your hair looks like it hasn’t seen one in weeks.” She noticed, taking up on his appearance.

As always, Rafal was dressed in a black outfit, detailed in gold and red, the huge cape trailing behind him, made out of grey-ish feathers. However, his hair was a mess, differing from the usual soft spikes it was usually sported in.

Rafal lifted a brow.

“Really?”

He walked in the direction of the giant mirror in Sophie’s room. His hands fondled with the white locks, sealing them in place.

“Aric usually remembers me to do this before I come inside.” He tells her, frowning “Where’s Aric?”

Sophie can feel the dread of telling him the general is not there and she decides that no, Aric isn’t going to ruin this.

“He must be checking on something since guard switch was done earlier. You can look for him later.”

“Sophie” Rafal narrows his eyes “Where’s Aric?”

Plan B it is then.

“You haven’t even wished me happy birthday yet.”

Her prince seems to calm down a bit.

“I’m sorry, my little bird.” He approaches “Happy birthday.”

“It’s quite alright” She answers, the fake tears drowning her green eyes.

“Please, don’t cry, Sophie.” He hugs her close and whispers compliments on her ear. “I have a gift for you”

“Do you? I was thinking about asking you…”

“Later, my little bird. For now, I’m hungry.” Rafal says, backing away, and Sophie follows him on his heels.

“It’s kind of important, Rafal, and…”

Her prince does not hear and she stops trying to catch up with him.

“So, you said you had a gift for me?”

The two of them are sitting in the library; Rafal is sipping his coffee (as he always did after lunch), seated at the big chair in the center of the room while Sophie nervously plays with a book, not quite looking him in the eyes, but standing directly in front of him.

“I do” He answers.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small box. A ring box.

Sophie eyes go wide.

“Yes”

“I’m afraid, my little bird, this is not that kind of ring”

Sophie’s excitement dies when she notices her prince’s serious demeanor. He puts the mug down, leaning forward, not once breaking eye contact.

“This is a safety ring, Sophie. It’s not a toy. You’ll wear it every day, 24/7. You won’t be taking it off for showers, for beauty treatments or for sleep. If you take it off, I’ll know you’re in danger and I’ll show up immediately. You’ll most likely never have to, but just in case, so we won’t have a repeat of today’s hairbrush incident”

He pulls Sophie’s hand away from the book, and slowly, slides the ring up her finger.

The piece itself was probably one of the most beautiful pieces she ever got from him, and that’s saying a lot. The ring shines in pale gold, dark reflexes running along the metal. Underneath, the words “True Love” could be read in silver. It was very light and delicate, but, somehow, Sophie felt like it yet another thing weighting her down.

“Happy birthday, my little bird. Now, how about you sing me my song again?”

“Thank you, Rafal”

Sophie finds herself singing his song four times in a roll. She quite enjoys the pleased look on his face, as he closes his eyes and lies back on the chair, expression twisted in the rare form of joy.

“Now, my little bird, I need to talk to Aric.” He excuses himself, heading to the door.

Sophie gets up from her chair so fast Rafal actually stops walking. She throws herself in front of him, blocking his way, sheepish smile and hopeful eyes.

“Remember that thing I wanted to talk to you about?” She batted her eyelashes at him, pouting.

“Oh, right”

“Well, since it is my birthday, and I now have a way to stay safe 24/7” She told him carefully “I was thing that maybe you could take me with you when you leave this time? To see our kingdom. I thought it might be a good experience for me, since one day I’m going to be a queen and…”

Rafal’s stoic expression and unreadable eyes were killing her.

“No.”

“But I…”

“No, Sophie.” He said firmly, trying to walk around her.

“Why not?” She asked, grabbing his arm, pulling at his sleeve.

“Are you not happy here, Sophie?”

“Of course I am…”

“Because if you’re not, I can arrange for you to live in a half-assed cottage in the middle of the woods, living out of nothing but berries and water, vulnerable to every single wizard and beast on the forest!” Rafal snapped.

Sophie suddenly lets go of his sleeve, her face losing color as real tears threaten to roll down her face.

“You wouldn’t”

“You’re right; I wouldn’t, because you can’t handle yourself out there. You’re weak, Sophie! Weak like a freaking chicken waiting to be somebody’s next meal! Don’t you understand, no one will ever care for your safety the way I do!”

She lets him walk around her, and as he finally reaches the door, Rafal signs, not once looking back:

“I won’t be home for dinner. Tell Aric I’ll be back in two weeks.”

She’s quiet.

“And Sophie” He adds, “I don’t wanna hear another word about you thinking about leaving this tower ever again”.

The door closes with a soft noise. Almost as soft as the quiet sobs she lets out as soon as he leaves.

Sophie spends another night sitting by her window.

She warns Kiko to let Aric know Rafal’s message, but after dinner, her maid tells her Aric never showed up to work. She also asks if Sophie need anything but the blonde doesn’t feel like dealing with Kiko’s over sweetness at the moment.

As she stares at the forest, Sophie wonders if it would be best if she left.

Not forever, of course. Just for some time. Away from Aric, from Kiko, from her maids, from the guards…

From Rafal.

Her ring shines in the moonlight.

“Happy fucking birthday.”

Language, Sophie. She can hear Beatrix’s voice taunting her in an old memory of her etiquette lessons.

This is her mouth. Her window. Her bedroom.

Her cage.

She’ll curse as much as she wants.

…Besides is not like anyone can hear her. The walls are thick and it’s late. The only ones awake are the guards posted on the staff levels and in the forest.

A quiet song is audible, and Sophie turns her head down to look at the small bird that sat by her window. She opens it with extra care not to scare the bird away. Upon closer inspection, she can tell it is tired. It’s night after all. Birds are usually day-time creatures.

The song is sad and Sophie can feel it tugging in her heartstrings.

She tries to touch the little animal, but as soon as she reaches for him, it flies away.

Sophie tries not to feel jealous.

It’s a bird. They’re supposed to be free creatures. That’s why Rafal won’t let her built a cage for them to keep her company.

Then why don’t you ever let me go…?

Sophie shakes her head. Nonsense. Rafal is just protecting her. He loves her.

She retracts from the window, deciding that yes, just for today she’ll leave it open. Rafal wouldn’t approve, but if Rafal wanted the window closed then he could come home and close it himself.

Looking back, if Sophie had indeed closed the window, our history might have gone in a completely different direction. Fate has a funny way of intervening in our lives.

It’s four AM when Sophie hears it.

It’s not very loud, but the soft sounds reach her ears and wake her up. She looks around for the source of the noise, when her eyes lie in her open window.

There’s hook on her window sill. Probably linked to a rope. With an evil bandit coming up to her bedroom, where no one could hear her.

And if he climbed up the tower and got through the guards, what could she do…

Her eyes darted to the ring.

She could call Rafal, he would protect her!

… but then he would be completely right, wouldn’t he? She was just some damsel in distress, like a princess in her fairytale books.

She moved her hand away from the ring.

“You’re weak, Sophie!”

No, this is something she could do by herself.

She walked slowly, making no sound, to the other side of the room, crouching near beauty supplies where the shadows were darker to help blend her blonde hair in the moonlit place.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the intruder sneaked into the bedroom.

Covered in a dark cape, hood covering most of their features the intruder drew a bow, arrow in position, while scanning the room. Sophie held her breath, not daring to move a single muscle.

The bow was put down a few seconds later, returned to their back, as was the arrow. She noticed the intruder carried a big satchel and walked around in heavy hunting boots.

Then, they signed.

“Finaly”

To Sophie’s surprise, the intruder was apparently a woman. At least, they sounded like one.

With all her attention on the so-called woman, who was now walking around the bedroom, Sophie nearly missed a new character’s arrival.

“I don’t think so” the new voice said.

It belonged to a man, about as tall as Rafal. But there’s where all similarities ended.

This man wore a military based uniform, much like her guards’, but instead of black and green, his was light blue and gold, a glowing sword attached to his belt, his feet covered by hunting boots. His features, while still immensely handsome, were rounder than Rafal’s and the strangers hair was several tones darker than her prince’s was, more like her golden sun-kissed tresses.

“You simply don’t know when to let it go, do you?” The first intruder questions the man, arrow ready.

“I told you I would hunt you down. I’ve been told quite a few times that I am a great hunter.” He answers, wielding his sword.

“By whom? Your fangils?” The caped woman mocked.

Despite drawing out weapons, they didn’t show signs of attacking any time soon, the banter between the two getting to a level Sophie would almost label flirty.

This was going too far. If these intruders decided to go at each other’s throats, then Sophie would be doomed. Again, she felt tempted to take off the ring…

No, she just had to do some quick thinking.

The first stranger was a priority, she had a long range weapon and was closer to her, so Sophie had to take her down first. But how…

Her eyes laid on her beauty supplies. Of course!

As quietly as she could, Sophie sneaked her hand to grab a small jar.

Imported from Maidenville, sleeping-rose’s petals.

Great to get rid of under eye bags and it’s tea had anti-insomnia properties.

Also, good for knocking people out in a few seconds or so through inhalation.

Please work.

The jar collided with the front of the hood, knocking the woman to her knees, shards of glass everywhere.

“What the actu…alll…?”

She tried to get up but the petals did their magic. Limp on the floor.

On the other side of the room, the man lowered his sword.

“If this is a trick, it won’t work, witch.” He threatened, but worry was clear in his voice. “Witch?”

He was coming near and Sophie started to panic. He would see the petals and it wouldn’t work unless he got really close to the woman’s face.

Okay, now what to do, what to do, what to…

Is that a brush?

“What would you have done if I was actually an intruder? Get back or I’ll brush your hair?”

Sophie would show him.

With all her might, she threw the hairbrush at the stranger. It hit the center of his forehead and Sophie swore she could see his blue eyes roll back as he too fell down, face first on the floor.

So. That happened.

She did it. Holy… she actually did it.

Who’s week now, Rafal? I’ve got two intruders in my bedroom, and you know who neutralized them? Yours truly!

Oh, god, she couldn’t wait to take off the ring and summon Rafal! He would be so…

…Angry that she didn’t take it off when he expressly ordered her to do so.

And if Rafal got angry with her again then he would not even notice her skills. He would probably double the security and then her tower wouldn’t even have windows!

What to do then?

31 notes · View notes

janetberrymx · 5 years ago

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yourstraycat · 7 years ago

Text

Accepting tings: Initial Attempt

I was already having a bad day that day, because I was told I couldn’t get what I wanted. It may seem trivial and selfish to others, but it was something I was hoping for a long long while. I was slowly trying to accept things and calmer after a while, so i went out to a nearby store to get some snacks to comfort myself.

Got onto my bike, and of course in this dramatic world of mine, it had to rain. Keeping in mind that I don’t receive allowance anymore, I took a while to choose my snack and grabbed a bag of doughnuts. I went to the counter and took out the 5 pound note - only to be returned back my money because they don’t accept old notes. I didnt have any more cash in my wallet, nor did i bring my credit card because i didnt want to end up spending more than 5 pounds. ‘Oh’ I went and took back the £1.39 chocolate doughnuts.

So, i went out of the store. The rain calmed down, thankfully, but tears started coming instead. I cried really hard. In the midst of my overwhelming feelings, I asked myself, why do I have to cry? It’s just a fucking doughnut.

It’s not the doughnut that made me cry. I wasn’t hungry. It’s not the cashier man who rejected my money, it’s not his fault. Is it my fault for being so childish and weak? Yes. I’ll get over the doughnut eventually, right? Just like whatever else is happening to me.

Well, yes and no. Accepting things are not as simple as that, at least in my brain.

Yes, it’s just a fucking doughnut. But I have been facing a great deal of difficulties recently, which made something so trivial like the weather and not getting the doughnut can trigger me to tremendous sadness. My brain just somehow decide to relate this ‘trivial things’ with other things that has been happening to me. “Your life is not going to be how you want it to be!” “You have a sad and unlucky life boohoo!”

I calmed down at the end, of course. Got the doughnut, too, after returning home to grab my credit card. Yay to happy endings.

But how could I avoid these situations again? Why do I have to suffer this tremendous feelings over something so trivial? Why did I have to relate things unnecessarily which will only make me suffer?

I have been feeling low for too long and realised that the root cause of this has to be because I haven’t been feeling happy with my current situation and have not at all ‘accepted things’. My childish response by crying because of a difficult situation has to somehow change, however hard it will be. ‘Accepting things’ is more than just saying to yourself that it will be okay, i just need to move on, things are better now, bla bla bla. Suppressing or repressing feelings by forcing to ‘forget about it’, doesn’t work, at least to me. I probably have tried to cope difficult situations by repressing things before, and trying to be ‘optimistic’. You see, you can forget things. And if it is forgotten or can be ignored forever that is good. It can be easy for people who always have a positive mental attitude, but with this intelligent brain of mine which is very good at making things overly complex, it somehow manages to make faults and flaws in my perception of situations. And at some point inevitably, we will face a similar difficult situation again as well and end up in the same dark hole. So for each time I face this difficult situation, should I just let myself suffer for that period of time because I will move on anyways after? How does one practice a constant positive mental attitude towards any predicaments that he/she may face?

For those who know me through social media, I always post about positive events and how much I appreciate the things I have in my life, always being surrounded by friends and families, I have a big house, a big family and quite a relaxed life without any conflicts ------ And it’s true. I’m blessed.

But I failed to acknowledge, that I am actually quite bothered and unsatisfied with who I was... or am. Despite having people around, I still have this feeling of solitude and unhappiness. I don’t receive the typical parental love that people in social media or TV shows talk about (although don’t get me wrong, they do care and love me, we’re just a bunch of awkward people), I am always worried about how I am not doing enough for my boyfriend to love me, and I always compare and envy people who (seems to) have a better life than me, especially people who can talk and make conversations with anyone so easily, which to an anxious person like me, is a horribly difficult task. So, you get the picture. I’m pessimistic as fuck.

I was determined to change. I did change. From someone who stood in front of my sisters door because I wanted to hangout but never brave enough to enter, to a bubbly little sister that my family loves. From someone who can’t even stay in the library alone during PS (Personal Studies) period during high school and had to inconveniently asked my dad to drive 30 mins to pick me up during the 1 hour period and then drop me off again when it’s time for class, to someone who managed to get into a competitive physio course and successfully managed some patients myself.

But things happen, I failed again, fell again, same dark hole again. And each time, you fall deeper into the hole and it gets harder to get out. I gave up on staying positive, or moving on. So here I am. Always victimizing myself, always hating myself, always unhappy with myself.

Okay. This was my story and this shouldn’t be where I stop. This shouldn’t be where you should stop either. We all know that difficult situations happen, and not everything always have a happy ending, and not everything can be forgotten so easily. So, here’s my conclusion:

Sometimes, forcing that positive mental attitude is not going to work as well as you thought it would be with just being determined to be one. Changes are not going to be successful by just doing things. You can cry, things can be overwhelming, and it can be out of your control. Do not get yourself stuck at trying to fix things that are out of your control. Whatever you go through, big or small, the best way of accepting things is to... reflect on it --- Sincerely and honestly, and add that positive mental attitude in your reflection, but acknowledging the negative side of the situation as well. For each negative factors, find an action plan to tackle it, but remember don’t get to worked up trying to find ways to fix it. Patience. Understand the situation more thoroughly but calmly, understand yourself better and look back at what part did you play in the situation, how can you do better next time? How did other people or other factors get involved? Train the mind to stop victimizing yourself, stop assuming what other people may think. Accept other people into your situation, tell other people about it, don’t hide it, find inspiration and help from others too, not everything can be done by yourself. Always bring it forwards wherever you go and whatever you do- It is part of you, and you can’t move on if you leave your past behind.

You can probably see from how I write, I am still pessimistic and depressive af. I am not completely settled with accepting things, but this is a start and I have been much, much better than before. Everyone has their own ways of coping things, and blogging here is one way of me trying to explore myself, for my future better self. And you should have your own ways too, it can be completely different from what I have written here- you may find more ease by doing the activity that you love weather it’s sports or reading a book, or you may find more ease spiritually by spending more time committing to your religion. Whatever it is, do it.

So here’s my metaphor tings again and a positive message: things do get better. It is a long and difficult ride. You may still feel lost and the world seems like it is crashing really bad on you, but you can always grab a fresh canvas to recreate a new, better world, bringing your past experience with you as well. It might just be because you didn’t have the necessary art supplies to create the world that you wanted before, but your past experience is your art supplies here, and you gain more experience along your journey. The rougher the journey, the more rare and valuable the art supply is. So now that you’ve got the art supply, why stop your art now?

Peach out gaise. Dis me, Rai 3:50am Brunei time!! Im finally back, alhamdulillah ^_^

DISCLAIMER: my english sucks so I think i might’ve used some words wrong lol and everything here is all personal and views of my own. Take what you feel may be beneficial, ignore what you feel may be wrong.

**All feedbacks/suggestions are welcome and are very much appreciated! You can do so anonymously through tumblr or https://curiouscat.me/raiisins

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