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filthforfriends · 2 years ago

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You always have the best gifs/memes to communicate your anger at how I end my fics☺️♥️😂

Shame and Pleasure

(Previously known as DILFiano)

CW: 24 year age gap!

Word count: 4.7k

Damia’s voice has some sort of hypnotic quality. It lulls you into a state where other thoughts are quieted, and your scope of focus narrows to sensation. Without thinking about it, you surge forward and hug Damia, slotting your face against the bone of his shoulder. Unintentionally, your unfiltered gratitude is what finally gets to him.

“Stellina, I want to do this a little differently.” His hand is gone so quickly that your body doesn’t know to stop moving with it. For a moment, you’re thrusting against the air. Even without the cliroral stimulation, you were wound so god damn tight. Damia doesn’t wipe his fingers off. He crawls up to the headboard and arranges pillows behind his back so casually. Poise. You can’t help but feel betrayed. Bringing you so close to orgsam then pausing was mean.

“Do you understand that we can stop whenever you want?” You nod, confused. “Are you absolutely sure you want to continue? I need a verbal answer for that.”

“Yes,” you state firmly.

“Take your skirt off so I can admire you.” Heart racing, you attempt to control your trembling hands on the zipper, but he sees. Damia waits for your face to reveal uncertainty while you strip. He observes none because there's none to observe. In fact, it's exactly the pointed attention you’d been craving. Damia opens the drawer in his bedside table. You take off the bra first, hoping he’ll look up to admire your underwear, that his breath will catch at all the expanses of taut and supple skin. Instead, his attention stays on the contents of the drawer.

“Someones not very appreciative,” you tease. He spares an insultingly brief glance and gaffs.

“Cheap lingerie loses its thrill after your 20s.” Damiano freezes completely and winces. “Sorry, that…Christ, I’m sorry.” You can see his brain recalibrating to parental/nurturer to assess the damage he’d cause to your confidence. Admittedly, the snub stung, but reassurance wasn’t something women his age needed. So you didn’t need it either.

“You know what else lost its thrill? Razor wire in my asscrack. I’m never wearing those again.” He lets out a short series of awkward, barking laughs while you take a seat on the edge of the mattress. Damia appears mystified at how well you’re handling his slight. He's trying to see through the cracks in your facade and you're praying he can’t.

“Apparently I forgot that being an insensitive asshole is also supposed to stay in your 20s,” he sighs, cocking his head to the side. “God, what a dumb thing to say.”.

“So…” you probe.

“I won’t kiss you,” he states absolutely. You make a dramatic sound of indignation. “So now that I’ve fucked up your arousal and the mood –” Playful, he draws out the first syllable of the sentence just as you had.

“There was a mood?” you chirp, crawling towards him. Recognizing it was an accidental admission. Damia leans over and checks Icarus’ location, which is very promising. He lets out a burdened sigh.

“Yes, there was a mood. C’mon, don’t be coy.” As Damia sits up, you move onto his lap. “Woah! Okay,” he throws his hands up.

“Want me to get off?”

“No,” he whines, like he’d prefer his answer to be a lie. “Well, I – hmm. This isn’t what I had planned.” Accidentally, you’ve switched the dynamic. This was the first time you’d seen Damiano more present than tortured. If you had control that meant, however much he may deny it, Damia had allowed you to. So you settle yourself in a straddle. Very slowly, Damia’s hands lower and come to rest timidly on your thighs.

“Will you take your clothes off?”

“Absolutely not,” he answers curtly. That rule was clearly nonnegotiable. Testing exactly where the boundaries lay, you lower a hand to Damia’s groin. The pajamas are navy so it takes a second to find his cock. He’s so hard he’s throbbing, which is no small achievement at 42, you’ve heard. Damia swats your hand away, refusing to meet your eyes.

“This isn’t about me.”

“This is about both of us. Stop kicking yourself for getting hard.” He shakes his head and looks away, scowling. “It's a natural reaction to stimulation, not a condemnation of your character, Damia. Fuck’s sake, be decent to yourself.”

“Wise words,” he replies, cynically. He is so clearly overwhelmed with self-loathing that it hurts to watch. A better person would leave rather than make him face this.

“Why can’t I touch you?”

“Because we aren’t going to have sex!” he snaps. That wounds you quicker than you can control your expression.

“But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Nothing? That’s cruel. Maybe I could be a decent human being and resist this if, if — you, I…” He tilts his head back and growls in frustration. “I didn’t even know you could make love to someone’s hand.” Now you’re the one plagued by self-consciousness. “If I hadn’t ruined it, you’d be able to grind on my hand to completion. Like…” Damia is so in awe that he’s speechless. He’s also damn near hysterical. It’s such a juxtaposition to your emotions at the moment. Damia’s burning shame morphs into a tingling sensation between your legs, just as fiery.

“You’re so pent and you desperately need someone to take care of you. So then what? I just send you off into the night for some high schooler that doesn’t know his herpes status or some college guy who treats you like you’re disposable? ”

“I already did go off into the night and pick someone.” You scoot closer to Damiano and watch that settle in.

“Your ability to always say the right things is gonna get you in so much trouble.”

“I wanna be in trouble with you.” Another car drives by. Another piece of Damiano is illuminated by a slant of light. This one is jaded, dissatisfied with a life he knows should bring him joy. In reality, that life acts like an echo in an empty room, a reminder of how vast the unfulfilled spaces within him are.

“Why can’t I kiss you?”

“What I had in mind –”

“I know. But right now, why can’t I kiss you?” You lean in close enough to touch lips and stop. Damia clearly wanted to, but he had to instigate.

“I don’t know how I’ll feel about it.” His breath hits your face as he whispers.

“Last time –”

“Last time was amazing, but I’m afraid it will feel wrong. Guilt and arousal are opposites for me.” He clears his throat roughly. “Which is why it can’t happen.”

“Okay,” you switch to a whisper. “Could we start small and see how you feel?”

“I…yeah. Or, no! Fuck.” He sighs heavily and closes his eyes. “I shouldn’t be doing this at all. What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t believe –” You grab his hand and push it between your legs. “Oh my god…you’re already wet again.” You press your foreheads together and nod. Damia drags his middle finger between your labia, cupping your vulva to apply gratifying pressure. Meanwhile you kiss his neck.

“Do you like licking?”

“Licking, biting, but not hard scratching.” You run your tongue up the column of his neck and trap his earlobe between your teeth. Very slowly, you pull downwards with your mouth and Damia shudders while he finally moans. Your tongue traces the shell of his ear, running behind it as well. It finally hits you that this is Damia inside your mouth. No, it's not as you had hoped, but the fact of it happening at all was mind blowing.

With every taste of salty skin, you said a little prayer, worshiping at Damiano’s altar. Some greater force, may it be sexual chemistry or supernatural, had brought you here. Cherishing and savoring Damia in every way possible was the only option you’d ever consider. Just the reassuring pressure of his hand made you pussy throb.

Having covered his neck, you start using your hands. One caresses where your tongue had already been, and the other pushed Damia’s hair back from his face. You kiss from jaw to hairline, not pecks, but slow and open-mouthed. Your body sways upwards with each inhale, each kiss, and downwards which each exhale, each parting of skin. There's nothing to grind against, but keeping time with the ebb and slow of sensuality just intuitively made sense.

When you switch to the otherside, Damia stops you, his hand on your jaw, thumb on your chin. He holds your face completely still, and is totally stationary himself. Only his eyes move, and rapidly. Those two seconds last your entire lifetime.

He pulls you in, loses courage, but the forward momentum has already been established. In the spirit of starting slow, the first kiss is chaste. Lips meet, then part. That’s all. Your eyes fly open, but Damia’s remain closed as he thinks. The hand between your legs pulls away. For a moment your stomach drops, but then you feel that arm wrap itself tightly around your lower back.

This next kiss is just as demure, except Damia pulls your entire body against his. It’s that breath-taking physical intimacy from the rooftop, forceful, but on the right side of two much. Damia knew how to handle a woman. He didn’t touch you like you like there were 24 years of separation.

“No.” He shakes his head, brow furrowed, pulling back.

“Yes,” you insist, surging forward. “100% yes.” Instead of freezing up, you remember to embrace him back. The next kiss is so slow that the skin of your lips stick together as you pull away.

“Cazzo,” he grunts, eyes squeezed shut. “Are you sure?”

“So fucking sure.” You press your chest to his and the skin to skin contact changes everything. “Absolutely positive,” you moan. Your nipples harden against Damia’s sternum, body waiting in rapture for a caress or so much as a puff of air from a sigh. You’re left feral and clawing at him, mewling in an effort to achieve more contact. Damia’s chest hair tickled your nipples as they became so hard you whined in discomfort, rubbing against his warm sternum.

You’re so overcome that Damia has to use his thumb to tug at the corner of your lips. As soon as you remember to open your mouth, Damiano's tongue is inside. The force of the kiss is literally bending you backwards. Rather than resist, you open your mouth completely and turn your head to eliminate the possibility of space. Total compliance. Allowing Damia to mold your body’s shape has an unique effect on him. Or perhaps it's your breast tissue that he so badly wants to feel with his tongue.

Either way, his self control shatters. Damia forces you onto your back via his height advantage. His body lands on top of yours in missionary position and he groans in satiation, pulling the sound from as deep as his toes. You shrink into the mattress, both intimidated and overwhelmed with excitement.

Damia’s teeth sink into the soft tissue on the inside of your bottom lip. Instead of pulling back you take the pain and squeal. His hips buck in response, clothed cock against your naked cunt. The sound you make is loud enough to remind Damia that he needed to employ critical thinking.

“This is why I can’t kiss you,” he gasps, pulling away. The babbling starts before your brain has even decided what you want to say.

“No! Please, please, please. No, it's okay. It’s – you can’t stop. You have to keep going. Damia! Damia, please don’t – god please, please don’t just stop. You can’t, Damia you can’t –” He kisses you once more to silence the begging.

“Shh, shh. Tesorina, let me help, hmm?” He sits back, pulling you up with him after settling his weight. Your movement is disjointed. It feels like you’re still in that moment, where you were exactly two layers of fabric away from Damia making love to you. How could that moment just end? How could he act like it was anything less than earth-shattering? He’s situated against the headboard again before he realizes how shell-shocked you are.

“Sweetheart, come here,” Damia beckons, firmly. You crawl upwards, tripping on his legs before he spreads them wide. He pats the space right in front of him. You kneel there, so aroused and confused and pent up that you might cry or scream.

“Turn around. Back to my chest.” It's awkward and unflattering to reposition. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you whiplash. Just sit down and let me.” Damai wraps both tattooed arms around you, and drags you closer. Encircled in his grasp, his upper body curled over to fit perfectly against your spine, lips to your cheek, yes you understood now. It was so much more intimate than you had expected.

Damia wanted to watch. He wanted to watch his hands touch you. Penetrate inside of you. He wanted to watch how wet you got. A vibrant color in your peripheral vision catches your attention. It’s one of a couple dozen sex toys in the open drawer. He follows your line of sight.

“Still a yes?” It was intimidating, but not a deterrent.

“Yes,” you pant. One of his hands wanders downwards. The anticipation throbbed in your cunt. You minutely roll your hips up to meet Damia’s touch, turning your gaze upward, because watching the act made you squirm. Impatient didn’t begin to cover it. More like you wanted to peel your first layer of skin off in anticipation. His fingers massaged your vulva, circled your hyman, spreading your pre-cum because he liked the way your pussy glistened.

“Touch me, touch me,” you grunt in frustration. “It hurts.” Your cunt was so engorged that the throbbing was painful. You didn’t deserve the teasing, had barely survived these weeks of anticipation.

“It’s not fair,” you exclaim in anguish, and it’s not as if you could push his hand downward. Damia was already there. You’d never looked at yourself this way, so directly. Masturbating was always done under the comforter.

“Stellina, what's not fair?” he coos, then kisses your ear. You whine and buck, frustrated that none of the bedding was sturdy enough for grabbing to externalize intense sensation. Something rips.

“Ugh,” you growl. “I’m sorry, it’s just hhhuuh –” Damia pushes two fingers inside. All the way inside, so his hand is flush against your body. His left arm acts as a seatbelt while you tremble. Damia thrusts his digits in and out and your body makes embarrassing, wet noises again.

“My fault. I’m accustomed to teasing being a necessity. But you’re so responsive…” Damia rests his chin on your shoulder and drops his other hand to your pussy. He has the perfect vantage point to get exactly on your clit. It's unlike any sensation you’ve felt. A lightning bolt in your pelvis, more pain than pleasure. You yelp, leaning forward, and closing your legs tight enough to trap Damia. Whether it be to maintain the stimulation or quell its intensity, you do not know.

He follows, so you’re still chest to back. Even with his hands immobilized, Damia can still make tiny motions against your clit. Finally reduced to an animal, you hiss and kick the blanket off the bed as energy tightens around your hips.

“Stellina, relax,” he commands. You cross your knees and squeeze tighter, instead, rubbing your legs together to increase the stimulation. Pleasure it is, then. Your body had decided. With a tremendous exhale you release him, sitting upright. Damia continues to pay attention to your clit. His fingers curl towards your belly button again, internally. It’s not even distinctly enjoyable, just powerful and orgasmic. Could a person be so turned on that they couldn't feel pleasure?

Watching Damia’s hands becomes too visceral, so you lean your head back onto his shoulder and trust his skill set. Meanwhile, one of your fists is colliding with the fitted sheet and the other has found its way to gripping Damia’s thigh, sliding on the fabric of his pajama pants. This does absolutely nothing to anchor you amidst the stimulation. It only adds to the reservoirs of energy that you’ll be forced to externalize, whose pressure is mounted by Dami’s insistent clitorial stimulation. You’re reduced to damn near drowning in a sensation that can only be called So Good It Hurts.

“So close, but I can’t….I can’t, my – mm ah.” Damia switches his legs from being outside yours to inside. When your body tries to cramp down, he keeps you spread open and continues pleasuring you. The arm responsible for internal stimulation wraps around your ribs and holds you close, so every inch of your naked back is pressed to Damia’s.

“Take your time,” he murmurs. Damia’s hold you secure, left hand brushing his fingertips across your erect nipple. A troubled whine is your best attempt at communicating that you don’t want to take your time. Instead, Damia pinches your nipple, twists, and pulls. Finally, you’re submerged in orgasam and it doesn’t feel like drowning at all. It feels like breaking the surface.

While cumming, you tense so hard it turns into convulsions. Then you nearly outright scream.

“Yes, sweetheart, be as loud as you want,” he encourages. This was so the opposite of teenage boys, shushing you because their parents might hear. Damiano curled forward when you did, relaxed back with a sigh when you did, but his finger on your clit never stopped.

“Uh ah, oh my god. Wha –’” gasp. “What you, are you doing?” Damia chuckles in your ear and lets go of your waist. He reaches into the drawer and pulls out a magenta vibrator. It's unintimidating, only about four inches long.

“Keeping momentum.” Damia replaces his pointer finger with the head of the toy, which was still turned off. “Still a yes? Are you still sure?”

“Mm, mhm.” The surface of the vibrator was so smooth and the material almost soft. It must be really high grade silicone. You nod, still struggling to catch your breath.

“I need a –”

“Yes!” you exclaim, interrupting him. Even so, when you check on Damia, it's clear he’s beating himself up again. Reconfirming consent had pulled his mind away elsewhere and finding the right words with a throbbing pussy was challenging.

“Hey, I said yes to doing this to you.” He returns his focus with a tortured smile.

“I know sweetheart, your enthusiasm is noted.”

“So why aren’t you here?” At first, Damia is preparing a counterpoint, but then he’s just genuinely shocked. “Get out of your own head. Be with me,” you huff. His ministrations between your legs briefly falter and you fear the worst, but his pointer and middle fingers return. You hear a barely audible click. The vibrator turns on with a quiet buzzing sound.

“I assume you’ve never used a sex toy before, and the first time can be really powerful.”

“Never,” you whisper.

“So we’re gonna do a lot of talking. This is the lowest setting.” The vibrator hovers in the air, creating unbearable suspense. “This is how it feels,” he narrates. Instead of applying the toy to your clit, Damia brings it to your lower stomach. You tense from the novelty of the sensation, but after that passes, it's really gentle. He moves it back and forth, then further down, onto your pubic mound.

“I’m okay, keep going.” Finally, he brings the silicone head against your clit, making clockwise motions. It’s like the normal pangs of pleasure one gets from clitoral stimulation, but less powerful, and on a much greater scale. He switches to counterclockwise rotations, stimulating the nerves in the opposite direction.

“One or two?” he murmurs.

“One, please,” you pant. The “please” makes his cock jump and Damia pretends that you can’t feel it, even as the sensation makes you grin. He tries stationary and making smaller circles, as well as moving vertically and horizontally. After each, he checks in for your preference. Discerning what felt best was difficult, because all the sensations were incredible.

“Higher.” The buzz goes up in pitch and you jump as soon as it touches you. “Christ,” you pant.

“Do you wanna go back down or be gradual on this setting?” He’s already adjusted it back to the lowest setting.

“I don’t know,” you answer honestly, breathless.

“You don’t know if you want to continue?”

“Ugh no,” you groan, with an eye roll. “I don’t know how to cum twice. It feels like I’m full of, like, lightning or something.”

“Full of lightning sounds like you’re about to cum.” Damia turns the vibrator back up a notch and you both want to thank him perfusing and curse him out.

“No, it’s barely been, unhh…we were trying stuff and – oh my fuck.” This orgasam felt more challanging than the last one.

“The longer you touch yourself, the more blood flows to that area. So it actually gets more sensitive over time, which makes it easier to cum.”

“Momentum,” you gasp.

“Yes. I’ve been stimulating your clit continuously which certainly isn’t a chore with someone so god damn responsive,” he growls. That tone of voice belonged to a part of Damia that he’d never allowed you to see before. You run towards it with open arms.

“Tell me.”

“Tell you how much of a greedy piece of shit I am for taking these first times all for myself?”

“God, yes.” Your chest heaves as it struggles to adequately oxygenate your body. “My nipples,” you beg. Damia brings his left hand up to your neglected breast. It's rougher than you expected. He digs his blunt fingernails in while twisting. Then flicks the hardened nipple upon releasing and pinches it very firmly. You let your head fall back. Gravity is gone and things feel too floaty to hold yourself upright. He’s so solid behind you, watching every reaction.

Somehow, you’re able to meet his eyes and now Damia can’t look elsewhere. Locked in, he has to watch you cum. He aches as your eyes fall closed and your mouth open. Damia can feel your hands clawing at him and he manages to find your right and holds securely. It's your face that makes it possible to live with himself: peace, bliss. How amoral could it be? How disgusting could he be if he gave you this?

When you cum everything tenses with a vengeance, but the release is quicker and more profound. You see twinkling sparkles against the black backdrop of your closed eyelids. Those wells of nervous energy are as empty as they’ve been in years. It's like you can breathe for the first time, except you can’t breathe at all. The stimulation is gone, but your clit still beats with your heart’s frantic rhythm.

“Catch your breath, sweetheart. You’re okay.” Every effort comes out as a gasp. Damia wraps both arms around you, and shimmy’s down so he’s on the mattress. Laying naked on his bare chest, in his bed, as he calms you down from orgasam doesn’t even seem real. This moment belongs in your fantasy life and the cognitive dissonance is intense.

“Inhale, exhale,” he chants, rubbing your back. “Inhale, exhale,” is timed with his own breathing, which raises and lowers your head. Realizing that he’ll misconstrue this as a trauma reaction, you are very studious in evening out your breathing.

“I’m really not having a panic attack. It was so good that I actually saw stars, I swear to god!” Damia snorts and you’re relieved not to find him amidst a moral crisis.

“You saw stars because you hold your breath when you cum,” he laughs. “We would have kept going if I wasn’t worried about you passing out.”

“Oh…” You're unsure whether to feel embarrassed about this subconscious habit. It had cost you orgsams from Damia, so the automatic response is vehement hatred. Judging his reaction while unable to see his expression was impossible, so you sit up and straddle his torso.

“Don’t worry, it’s common,” Damia chuckles and casually rubs your flank, face unchanging. Was it subconscious? Was it just meant to be a casual, comforting gesture between lovers?

“What should I do?” you manage to say.

“Well it can be a stress thing," he replies, thoughtfully. “You can also practice by yourself. The right partner might also be really helpful.” Your expression gives you away and Damia is backpedaling before you’ve said a word. “No! No, absolutely not. This is never happening again,” he declares with finality. Placing both hands on your hips, Damiano guides you off of his lap and to the edge of the bed. You stand with your eyes stinging from rejection.

“You do know that I don’t expect you to be my boyfriend or some shit? I’m attracted to you, you’re attracted to me. I am more than capable of discretion. We’re both consenting adults, but you make it into this exhausting moral quandary.” He’s wide-eyed and taken aback, even sitting upright to conversate.

“I didn’t recognize that you were such a realist,” Damia admits, astonished. “But to be clear, for me this is some exhausting moral quandary, and you are far too intelligent for me to explain why.”

“I don’t want some high school boy who doesn’t know his herpes status or some college guy that's gonna treat me like I’m disposable,” you counter, using Damiano’s own words against him.

“Y/n.” he holds his hand up. “Your friend’s father is not the alternative.” There's nothing to say, because you’re both right. For a moment you just stare while tension wraps a hand around each throat.

“It’s absurd for me to have any expectations of you. I apologize and you’ve been so…” you search for the least controversial adjective, “generous.”

“It's nice to see you act your age for once, actually,” he huffs. The man that had growled in your ear and watched your pussy leave a wet spot on the bedding was gone. To fill his place, a new iteration of Damia had been created for your benefit alone. He was a nurturer who didn’t entertain false pretenses about this connection being normal. How many mirages could Damiano make before forgetting how to experience his own thoughts and feelings altogether?

“You understand that I can’t let you leave this room thinking that this is going to happen again?”

“Yes,” you reply in monotone.

“Alright.” He stands with a groan and picks your bra, underwear, and miniskirt off of the floor. In the meantime you retrieve your shirt from the otherside of the bedroom and pull it on. It's strange how a person can go from having three fingers inside to avoiding your hands touching as he passes clothes over. A hint of magenta in your peripheral vision catches your attention. The vibrator still lay in the sheets, undisturbed by this excruciating turn of events.

“Are you still good?”

“Yeah.” No. Once your skirt is back on, Damia walks you through the doorway. After such intense intimacy, any level of personal space feels awkward. You’re not expecting him to pull you into a hug, so much so that your arms hang by your sides. He strokes your back with a steady, warm hand, wrinkling the thin fabric while pressing his lips to your scalp. You’re aware that this embrace is Damiano’s way of communicating his feelings, but you haven’t a fucking clue what he’s saying.

It was unlike any hug you’d received from an adult man, another first Damia was taking from you, but this time he didn’t realize it. Finally, you embrace him back and press your face to his bare chest. His skin smells delicious as always, especially after sweating a little. Damia wraps his arms tighter, hand moving to rub back and forth across your shoulder blades. He kisses your head again.

This is an emotion you didn’t have a name for: so safe that the urge to cry abates. Simultaneously, that very same feeling makes you tear up because it's safe to cry. Was this the hug you were missing throughout your childhood? Was this how a male parental figure was supposed to make you feel? Your unaffectionate father had left you no frame of reference.

“Okay, good night.” When he pulls back, you can’t decide if you want to kiss him. That consideration quickly becomes mute, because Damia won’t look at you. Instead, he just closes the bedroom door in your face.

Notes: Sorry. 🤧 (You can now opt out of age gap fics by resubmitting your preferences to my taglist) I was unable to tag people for two months so you probably missed the last installment, which can be read here.

- XOXO Eden

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