#didnt you know you're SUPPOSED to be a husk? thst you're SUPPOSED to be near burnt out 24/7?? didnt you mar??? didnt you??
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I'm so tired of being mad and tense all the time man I dont think my shoulders haven't permanently been up by my ears in like a full decade by now
I'm so tired so goddamn tired
#marquilla#this isnt ab anything specific im just really fucking feeling it rn and am trying so goddamn hard not to completely burn out but it#feels like every time i try i get smacked down by SOMETHING like the world. needs to remind me its not okay for me to not be stressed#oh you feel stable for once? not anymore now your family is falling apart. oh you were feeling happy and like your job?? not allowed.#oh sorry you actually thought your happiness was meant to LAST?? go fuck yourself. oh you dared have hope and optimism? dont you know thats#not allowed?#like god im so tired my body hurts so goddamn much#i know my chronic pain is mostly genetic but also being constantly stressed since the point of consciousness forming#has to have done something to exasperate it... like for godsake i have white body hair now WHITE. BODY. HAIR. one gray hair on my head#and everywhere else is patchy with white bc my body is too stressed to make pigment anymore#this kinda is triggered by something specific but it's more like... a mindset that keeps getting forced on me by others i think?#like one that pretty much says 'no you cannot be happy you have to be selfless 24/7 or you will be a disappointment to EVERYONE'#idk im just upset and god forbid but i would like NOT TO BE and apparently thats the wrong choice#didnt you know you're SUPPOSED to be a husk? thst you're SUPPOSED to be near burnt out 24/7?? didnt you mar??? didnt you??#i mean my direct family gets it but... apparently that's it
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