#didnt know im constantly aroused when im trying to sleep

[thefourpointedstar]

what the fuck 😭

[magical-agatha]

god my fuckin temperament is too weak to handle thinking about inguinal hernias anymore today. this: http://transhealth.ucsf.edu/trans?page=guidelines-testicular-pain is still the only link i can find that has any confirmation of it as a danger to trans women who tuck. but it doesn't go into detail about how the actual hernia is occurring and what the relationship is with tucking. but at least it confirms a correlation so i know that it is in fact a danger and not just wild speculation or something based solely on one person’s experience, which may or may not reflect the rest of the community. from what i can guess its probably like? pushing the testicles into the inguinal cavity is distending it and weakening the muscles, which is allowing the intestines to slip through into the cavity. i wonder if theres like, something in this to do with like, physical exertion, bc it could also be that tucking is creating a weakness that is getting exacerbated by a moment of physical exertion? or maybe by moving in a way that like, affects the muscles in there? idk. there really isnt a lot of info about this and im not a doctor so the best i can do is speculation. but i dont think the idea that tucking is distending the inguinal cavity which is weakening the associated abdominal muscles is too extreme of a jump. this is one of those times where i really really wish there was more medical information and research about trans bodies, bc most of what there is is sporadic and incomplete and the rest is sourceless uhh, whats the word, when its just based off a persons experience being recounted without any like, reliable research or info. starts with A. im very tired lol. point is i wish there was more info out there cuz there really isnt a lot and im scared ppl are going to get hurt bc of that. this is also like, opening my eyes a lot about how uncertain the information i have in general about like, my body and the bodies of other trans women. bc im finding inconsistent info about things i thought were facts, like for example tucking has always been held up to be perfectly safe, but ive never been able to do it without it hurting, and apparently like?? the whole ‘hrt will turn you infertile’ thing might be inconsistent too? apparently it happens to some but not others. and the thing about like, ‘you WILL lose the function of your dick’ (with the implied ‘but thats a good thing’ that has always pissed me off) and my dick still works, it works differently and i cum and orgasm differently than i did before hrt but it still very much works, it just seems to follow different rules? and i still cum and i can still get hard, both of those things were supposed to stop happening but they didnt. it just like.. went through a process of being reprogrammed so it behaves differently now. cuz there was a period where i couldnt orgasm and i couldnt cum, but then i could again, and now my orgasms are totally different than they were when i was pre hrt. instead of it being like, sudden and intense and overwhelming, it builds up slowly to a peak, then gradually declines from there and leaves you feeling warm throughout and very very soft. and my hen leaks precum constantly when im aroused, and then when i cum it shoots a little bit out then like, leaks goo for the next half hour, not a little bit either. its a mess.

there was something else i wanted to say here but i forgot it. all in all im just. mad that the only ppl who care about the health of trans ppl are some doctors and trans ppl themselves. and that information about our bodies is inconsistent even between professionals. i cant be sure that my doctor actually knows how my body works and whats best for me. it makes it so much harder to trust doctors and feel safe when i see them. what a nightmare. i want to help ppl. i want to find and compile info about our bodies to keep us all safe but i can barely look after myself and i cant commit to doing that. i have to focus on myself. so all i can rly do is like, give advice and try to warn ppl of potential dangers and do what research i can. which is what we’re all doing. the danger is when personal biases conflict with caring for the safety of other ppl, which is the root of all the problems with trans medical stuff i think. whether its doctors enforcing their biases on trans ppl thru medical advice/medicine, or trans ppl themselves giving advice that is warped by their personal beliefs. it leads to misinformation and inconsistency and thats dangerous. that means people getting hurt. so i have to be careful when i give advice to be aware of my own personal biases. such as like, i hate tucking, but i cant tell ppl to just not tuck bc its not my body, i dont know if theres a way to tuck safely or not, so instead i have to tell ppl to be careful and to be aware of potential risks, and to listen to their body bc pain and discomfort are important indicators of harm being done. but im scared that will be lost in the tide of ‘tuck or you arent a real trans woman, you need tucking to pass, it cant hurt you’ that has been spread among us for a really long time.

i feel like this is like, tied to another big problem which is the like, necessity and obsession with passing. which are two very different things. necessity is like, passing to be safe, which i feel like has room to accept that tucking might not be totally safe and comes with certain risks, because it isnt about affirming self worth or identity, only about staying safe. then obsession, which might not be the best word but it will do for now, by that i mean ppl who feel they Have to pass at all costs, bc they think that if they dont they arent a real woman or something like that. they tie passing to self worth and identity, if they dont pass they are worthless or incomplete or like, inferior to cis women, and they will do anything to pass, with little to no regard for personal safety. they will do risky things like skipping meals or tucking unsafely bc they want to pass at any cost. but they spread their perspective on this through advice to other trans women, telling them they need to tuck and they need to wear makeup and they need to do voice training and get implants and srs and all manner of things or they are a trender. a faker. they put insecurities into other trans women and bully each other to propagate their personal biases and force other trans women to conform. most trans women pre hrt are extremely vulnerable and lost, which is when these obsessive trans women give them bad advice and twist them to their world view. that happened to me. i got sucked into that when i was trying to figure out my identity and needed validation. luckily i got out of that and i know better now. its really fucked. ive talked about like, versions of this idea before. that there are two kinds of trans ppl, those who love being trans and those who hate is and want to be cis. and i think as im getting a bit older and learning more and getting further thru my transition im starting to put together a bigger picture of the interplay between all of this stuff. like, the interactions between cis society and its expectations of trans ppl, how trans ppl deal with those expectations and how they deal with living and moving in a cis society thats hostile to trans ppl. this is all one big mess. and thats not even touching on the interactions between terfs, transmeds, and the various levels of trans communities both online and irl. its an absolute nightmare. and then as well there’s like, further interactions with like, nb and gender diverse ppl, gay vs straight trans ppl, intersex ppl, exclusionists, and the mess that the current lgbt+ community online is. i could write a book about this. im living in a nightmare. a massive roiling chaotic community thats fighting itself and the world around it and trying to survive and destroy the parts of itself that it thinks arent ‘valid��. which sounds like a metaphor for my experiences as a trans woman. god and theres more i keep forgetting. im so scatterbrained tonight. i havent had enough sleep to be trying to talk about something so complex as this. and im destroying my hands by typing this much. time to stop. i can sort all this out later. what a mess.

[ella-the-vamp-blog]

Dan and Phil

Dan walked around the cafeteria in his worn out converse and ripped jeans, trying to spot which table his friends were at today. As usual they were in the very corner of the cafeteria, all huddled together and laughing. Dan sat between Byrony and Phil as soon as he reached the table. Once he placed his school lunch down on the sticky table Phil instinctively wrapped a protective arm around his best friend’s waist. Phil didn’t know it, but Dan had a huge crush on him, anyone who met them definitely knew. Thats why their friends made fun of them constantly, because Dan had told them his obvious secret. “Tone down the PDA mate,” PJ laughed from the other side of the table. “Oh shut up PJ, you’re just jealous because you don’t have someone you can do this with,” Phil shot back. PJ just scoffed and Dan giggled, leaning into his friends touch. “As if, Chris clearly wants PJ to fuck him,” Dan said without thinking. “Dan! You said you could keep a secret you dick head!” Chris blushed violently and hid behind his own hands. “Wait what?!” PJ exclaimed as if it wasn’t obvious. Everyone laughed except for Chris, who was still hiding. PJ took Chris’s hand from his face and held it while whispering something that no one else could hear. “Oi, tone down the PDA mate,” Phil mocked. “Oh shut up Phil,” Byrony but in, “So how long have you and Dan been together Phil?” Dan blushed and hid in Phil’s side. If they kept making jokes like this Phil would find out soon, and he couldn’t have that, it would ruin his friendship with Phil. “Come on ass hat. You all know were not together and never will be,” Dan remarked. “Mhm sure honey,” ~~ Later that day they were all going out to a movie, Dan had a backpack with a blanket and “secret” snacks to sneak in for him and Phil. Knowing them, they’d end up putting away the arm rest in the theater and cuddling while wrapped in the blanket, no matter what movie it was. Dan found it as his own personal heaven and suggested movie nights each week months ago. It was his only way to get the physical affection he craves and not be teased by Peej. “Hey Phil, do you want to come over tonight? My mums not home, we could stay up all night.” Chris asked waiting in line for their tickets. “Sorry mate I’m already going to Dan’s tonight.” “Yeah to fuck!” Peej laughed at his own dumb adolescent joke. Byrony giggled and nodded her head. “You aren’t funny dick, we’re just friends!” Dan defended. “You literally sat in Phil’s lap on the way over here,” Byrony said while giggling more, “And he played with your hair!” “Thats what friends do!” “Uh huh sure” ~~ During the movie Dan had somehow migrated into Phils lap again. Phil was playing with his hair with one hand and rubbing agonizingly slow circles on Dan’s hip with the other. Dan had no clue how Phil did this and still somehow payed attention to the movie. The entire time he buried his head in Phils neck and he was imagining fucking Phil. He knows its wrong to think about these things while he’s in his best friends lap but he cant help it. Slowly Dan started to grow hard, he shook his head and tried to think about anything else. grandma grandma grandma. “You okay babe?” oh yeah, another thing, they always called each other babe and baby, but they’re just friends mind you. “Mhm just tired,” Dan faked a yawn and snuggled farther into Phil’s neck. “Go to sleep then, I’ll carry you out to the car later and wake you up when we get back to your house.” “Mmk darlin, night.” Although Dan was faking the yawn he was quite tired, and he wanted to stay up late tonight. He decided it was best to just stick with the lie and go to sleep on Phils chest. ~~ Dan was currently snoring lightly on Phil’s chest and muttering something incomprehensible while being carried out to the car. “Oi, wake princess up,” Chris snickered. “I’ll just sit him on my lap and buckle him in with me. Let him sleep asshole.” “You know he likes you right?” Byrony stated matter of factly. “Yeah right, stop joking guys, you know I like him, theres no need to get my hopes up,” Phil scoffed and sped up towards the car. Their three friends shook their heads behind him. Dan and Phil would find out eventually. Right? ~~ “P-Phil,” Dan said lightly while tightening his grip on him. Phil thought that Dan had woken up so he responded with a small “hm?” but got no response. They had just dropped off Byrony and now were heading towards Dan’s house. Since Phil didn’t get an answer he just assumed Byrony slamming the door woke up Dan for a split second. That was until Dan grinded against Phil’s thigh. Phil felt a surge of arousal shoot through his body. Dan did it again and Phil gasped. Dan opened his mouth to moan again but Phil quickly covered his mouth. He couldn’t believe this. His best friend, not to mention his crush, was having a wet dream. In his lap. In the back of their friends car. Moaning Phil’s name! Phil debated waking him up, or just waiting until they got home and ignoring the whole situation. His awkwardness decided the second option was best. Only seconds later Dan was grinding again and panting against Phil’s hand which was still covering his mouth. Phil prayed to every god he could think of that this car ride would be over soon because he was starting to get hard under his sleeping friend. He knew that he shouldve moved his hands from where they were on Dan’s hips because he didnt want to invade his friends space during a dream like this. Phil’s self conscious had a different idea though and moved his hands somewhere worse. Dan’s plump ass. He knew it wasnt right but he couldnt fight his instincts. Dans grinding slowed, but only so that he could push back into Phil’s hands. Phil squeezed hard and Dan’s eyes shot open. “Oh no,” Phil whispered almost completely silent. “Ph-” “Okay guys, we’re here.” Peej announced from the front seat, “See you guys Monday. Have a good weekend.” Dan slowly and cautiously crawled out of Phils lap, careful to hide his hard on from his friends as they said goodbye. When Chris and PJ pulled out of Dan’s drive way Dans mouth failed to make a sound even though he opened it. “I’m so sorry Dan! I dont know what i was thinking but you were grinding on me- and- an- and you moan- moaned my name! My body was just reacting I’m so so so sorry!!” Phil spat out quickly. “Hey, ba-Phil, don’t worry, its okay, I lik-” Dan paused and didnt finish his thought, “Lets just go inside. We dont have to talk about it if you dont want to okay babe- Phil.” “Oh god I’m so sorry for making things awkward I didnt mean to but you kept going and oh god im so sorry-” “Has anyone ever told you that sometimes you need to shut up Philly?” “Make me,” Phil shot back but instantly regretted it. “Oh my god I didnt mean t-” He was cut off by Dan’s lips against his. “Do you really think you touching my ass bothered me? You even said yourself that i was moaning your name idiot.” “Shh,” Phil joked and grabbed Dans hand. The kiss had boosted Phil’s self confidence, and he thought back to what his friends said about Dan having a crush on him. “How about we go up to your room baby? We can handle the little problem I have and sort our relationship out afterwards.” “O-okay,” Dans usually dominating voice was small and timid now. He led Phil into the house and tugged his hands up the stairs. He wasnt leading because Phil didnt know where to go, of course he did, but because Phil was going at the slowest pce possible so that Dan would have to wait. “Please Phil, come onnn~” he whined. Once they reached Dans room he flung the door open. “Calm down baby, you’ll get what you want if you wait.” “But I want you now-” Dan was going to continue complaining like a child but he was cut off by a kiss. Phil pulled away and smirked,“Thats pay back for cutting me off earlier dick.” “Philly! No cussing!”, he playfully hit him on the chest. He was glad that his crush changed nothing. Hell, him grinding on his friend while having a wet dream changed nothing. They were still best friends and this moment made that clear to Dan. Phil smiled goofily at him and leaned in again, only to end up kissing Dan’s cheek though because Dan moved at last minute. Dan giggled and did it again when Phil attempted another kiss. “Oh whatever babe, now come on, I wanna kiss you more.” “Hmm- Nope.” Dan slid out of Phil’s grip and giggled as he ran across the room and leapt onto his bed. Phil chased after him, laughing also. He sat down next to Dan and just gazed at his friends eyes. “You’re so gorgeous Dan,” he said as he reached out and cupped his face, “Can I kiss you again?” “I dunno can you?” Dan teased. Phil rolled his eyes and leaned in slowly. Their lips collided and Dan swore he could feel his heart beating out of his chest. It all seemed so real, Phil’s hand in his hair, Phil’s lips on his own. Quickly he became paranoid. Even though they had this moment of goofing around would their friendship change after tonight? Would they end badly? Apparently Phil could hear him thinking because he pulled back. “Dan, baby calm down. We can stop if you want, we dont have to do anything. We can even pretend this never happened if thats what you want. I would never do anything to hurt you love.” “I’m just scared- I want you though, now come here again,” They kissed at Dans pace and soon Dan leaned back and rested his head against the pillows. “Will you touch me? Please? I dont care what you do. Just please-” “Of course princess. Can I straddle you?” Dan nodded and Phil climbed into his lap. He lowered his hands down to Dan’s sides and looked up for consent before putting his hands under Dan’s shirt. It was all so intimate, Dan couldnt help but moan at the light little touches running up and down his chest. “Please- just give me more please baby I’ll do anything.” “We’re gonna go slow okay? Just wait and you’ll get what you want.” Phil took Dans shirt off after asking if it was okay and slowly started to kiss over his chest. “You’re so pretty, have such a nice chest and a lovely stomach.” He pinched Dan’s side in a joking manor and smiled up at the giggling boy. Dan blushed and looked away,“Oh come on youre just saying that,” “I know you just found out I fancy you, but ever since we met I have thought that. Youre truly breathtaking Dan, and if youll let me I’d really really like to touch you right now.” He kissed down Dans stomach, closer and closer to his pant line. “Plea-” His plead was cut off by a loud moan as Phil kissed his dick through his skinny jeans. “More. More More More Please!” Phil unzipped Dans skinny jeans and started to pull them off. They got stuck at mid thigh and Dan burst out laughing. “Stop laughing you dick!” That only made him laugh more. Phil silenced him though by mouthing over Dan’s briefs. Dan gasped as soon as he felt the warm sensation through his underwear and Phil could feel his friends cock twitch. “How far do you wanna go love?” “Can- I- um-” Phil was sliding Dans skinny jeans off fully as Dan was attempting to speak. “Mhmm?” “Can you fuck me?” Dan said in one breath. Phil smiled up at him while he took his own shirt off. “How about you ride me? That way you can control the pace baby. Does that sound nice?” Dan glanced at Phil’s exposed chest and was only half listening when he nodded. “Have you ever prepped before? If you know what im trying to say…” Phil stared down at his feet and blushed as he was saying this. Dans confidence had shot through the roof with all of the compliments Phil was giving him so he decided to go with his cocky response. “Of course I have, I did this morning in the shower. Thinking about your nice thick cock. I want it everywhere. In my hand, in my mouth, in my ass.” Phil groaned and hurried to take off his own skinny jeans while Dan kept going. “I even did after school too, before the movie. I was thinking about you touching me the whole time. Thinking about your fingers trailing all up and down my chest. Thinking about your lips nipping at my neck-” he was cut off by Phil doing just that. He left a love bite right above his shoulder and then carried on with more all over Dan’s neck. He left one right below his jaw, one on his collarbone. Anywhere he could reach. “So I dont have to stretch you then?” Phil laughed in a teasing way and asked Dan where he kept the lube. “Be-bed side table-” Dan blushed as Phil pulled Dan’s boxers down. “Hm? Why are you so nervous? What else am i going to find?” He said casually as he slipped off his own boxers and reached for the drawer. When Phil opened the bed side table he expected pornos, or the pair of joke hand cuffs PJ got Dan last christmas. But not all of these. No. He would never guess that dan would have these. Lets just have a run down of what exactly Phil was looking at. A drawer full of bright pink and purple dildos. And vibrators. And lacy panties. Black ones to be specific. And two bottles of empty lube and one fairly empty bottle of lube. His jaw dropped as his picked up a huge vibrator. Phil would say that hes a pretty big guy down there but this fucking vibrator was at least ten inches. Dan hid behind his hands as Phil examined all of the different vibes and such. “Hm.. maybe we’ll have fun with those later, but for right now I think I’ll just have you ride me.” He smirked again cheekily and Dan just rolled his eyes and grabbed the last bottle of lube and a condom. “Shut up and turn over so I can ride you, you dick,” he said as he rolled the condom onto Phils dick. “Oh look at Mr.dominant coming out. Who wouldve guess you’re dominant with all of those toys in there?” Phil snickered at his own joke but Dan just hit his chest and shut him up with a kiss. Since Dan was acting so needy Phil decided it was best to just get on with it. So he had Dan straddle him and positioned his cock right at Dan’s entrance. As Dan slowly sunk down onto the tip of Phil’s dick they both groaned. Phil had to try with all his might to keep his needy teenage body from bucking up into Dan. “Oh god- can I go further?” Dan asked. “Of course you can doofus.” Dan tweaked his nipple for that comment; which was simultaneously causing pain and pleasure for Phil. He began to go further, taking in an inch at a time and pausing to groan and take a breath. It was pure agony for Phil to just sit there completely still so he tried to distract himself with praises for Dan. “Good job baby boy, you take me so well, look so good like that.” While Phil let these praises out Dan had nothing to do but gasp and moan. When he finally got all of Phil’s cock inside him Phil stopped with the praises and instead bit all over Dan’s neck again. The love bites from earlier were already starting to fade since they were nothing more than a little nip, but Phil was determined to leave a mark this time. He sucked and pulled at the skin with his teeth, pulling away only a couple times to kiss over the freshly bruised skin. When he was done leaving a bright red mark Dan was panting and pleading him to let him move. Of course Phil immediately told him to go whenever he was ready so Dan began bouncing up and down. Even though Phil knew Dan was a virgin he guessed by all of the sex toys that Dan was used to having something up his ass. “Please Phil, its not enough, I need you to fuck up into me~” Phil listened and started to thrust up at the same time that Dan was coming down. He knew he found Dans prostate because Dan gasped and went even faster at the same angle. “God baby you look so good, fucking yourself so good. Can’t wait to see your pretty face when you cum.” These little comments only seemed to spur Dan on more, but soon it was too much and he was completely wrecked. He lifted himself up off of Phils cock and laid next to him. “Phiw- is too much- need you to fuck me, m’ legs are too tired…” “Of course they are you lazy oaf,” after his remark Phil got right to it. He slid his cock right back into Dan and started to thrust back and forth. He could see Dan getting needier by the second, begging for more and blushing and gasping. Phil was entirely blissed out by all of the sounds Dan was making and by how good it felt. “Do you think you can cum untouched baby?” Dan nodded fiercely and moaned at the though of it. He reached behind Phil and pulled him down closer by his neck. “Fuck- Phil I’m getting close-” “You look so good baby, I bet you’ll look stunning when you cum. Begging for more, youll look so perfect.” Dan moaned at his words and started to grind back against Phil movements. Phil found Dans prostate again and pounded into it relentlessly, still letting little praises come out. “Such a good boy. Take me so well. You feel so good.” Dan writhed on the sheets beneath Phil and clenched his sheets tight with both fists. “I need you Phil- need to kiss you.” Phil obliged and leaned down to kiss the needy boy beneath him while keeping the same speed. “Are you going to come baby boy?” Dan groaned and released as a response. He felt as if he was floating for a second. His vision got blurry as he released white streaks all over him and his best friend. When Phil saw the completely blissed out face of Dan he locked eyes with him and released inside the condom. As Phil pulled out Dan found himself feeling empty. Even though some of his toys were huge, none of them felt that good. Phil reached over to Dan’s bedside table and grabbed some tissues that were obviously there for this reason. “So..” “No- no talking now please. Jus’ some cuddles please?” Dan looked up with a pleading, almost innocent look and Phil just couldnt resist. He threw out the tissues and the condom and laid next to Dan. Dan instantly wrapped his legs around Phil’s waist and arms around his neck and kissed him swiftly on the cheek. “Night cutie, we’ll talk in the morning over some pancakes and tea okay?” “Sounds great love, goodnight.”