#didn't want to have to align them myself (even though I'll probably have to do that later anyways)

[brodorokihousuke]

Something that remains hidden to the player is the fact that one of Ga'ran's royal guards is animated to throw open the door... but is never actually shown doing so, being obscured by said door.

The one guard in the front also lets go of his rifle in a rather... unique way before he comes into view.

There are three other guards behind these, but I have them hidden to help with performance. they sort of just stand there, for the most part.

[dracoxmalereader]

Draco x Male Reader Headcanons Pt. 3

Summary: After you and Draco's rocky fifth year, this last part is centered around how your relationship evolves around him being a death eater and all that entails. Including the aftermath because I simply cannot contain myself. <3

The cover looks so much angstier than these are I promise.

Part 1 | Part 2

Word Count: 847

When Lucius starts dragging Draco down the death eater path he starts distancing himself from you.

He quits quidditch, too.

So there's no real way to know for sure when/where you'll be able to catch him.

I just KNOW this boy was doing everything he could to try and worm his way out of becoming a death eater.

Especially if you're not pureblood.

But, alas, he's made one regardless, tasked with killing Dumbledore.

At that point he'd try and do everything in his power to convince you to become a death eater with him.

He's just so afraid of losing you,

and he wants to keep you safe ❗

Even if you're not pureblood, he vows to find a way to fake it.

Offering to forge documents, vouch for you in trial, swear on his life that you and your family are pureblood to anybody that asks.

He doesn't want you or any of said family to end up being casualties in the war, but he can't stomach breaking up with you or having you not in his life.

You refuse to align yourself with Voldemort, and break up with him yourself to keep you and your family safe instead.

Even then you're still so reassuring,

Because you know he has no choice,

But you can't do what he's asking you to, even if you know it might be easier.

Many "I'll always love you no matter what"s before you part ways.

Probably one of the first times Draco lets himself cry in front of someone.

You go with your family to hide out through the duration of the war.

You keep your eyes all over the news as it's all going down though,

Just like Ron while they were finding the Horcruxes.

24/7 sat by the radio hoping everyone will be okay.

When the war is done and Voldemort is gone,

Draco shows up to your new place that you and your family moved to to get away from Voldemort's reign,

With Narcissa and everything.

Begs for forgiveness.

And how could you not take him back?

Much hugs and affection right there and then,

Right in front of his mom and he doesn't even care.

She wasn't even shocked when Draco told her you two were together,

Because lets be real, you two were so obvious you may as well have plastered it on the front page of the Daily Prophet.

She been knew.

They have your family move into the manor with them,

Narcissa loves having the company.

Makes the place so much more lively.

No Lucius obviously he's rotting in Azkaban as he should

Time skip any amount of time it probably isn't a very hard choice to make,

You both need to get away from magic for a while if you're gonna do any getting over the war.

So you end up getting a place together in the muggle world for a much needed break.

And you guys go visit the manor for holidays to see your folks.

Cue many fish-out-of-water scenario's of Draco adjusting to the very unfamiliar lifestyle of a working-class muggle citizen.

Because I imagine you already know the ropes, especially so if you're not pureblood.

He definitely tries to make grilled cheese in a toaster but doesn't put foil on it and just gets cheese all in your toaster.

Not because he thought it'd be cool, but because he genuinely didn't know how grilled cheeses are supposed to be made.

You talk him into going to all kinds of therapy to deal with his issues after the war,

It takes him a long time to let go of the guilt he feels for all of it,

some of it he never will let go of,

But your guys' quality of life skyrockets regardless.

You're both way happier.

The less impact the war has over him, the more you can see his personality shine through, too.

He starts teasing you again albeit lovingly.

He probably gets lippy with his manager at work and loses at least one job because of it.

Fast forward a bunch of years,

You two are definitely married and have a dog and cat together.

The wedding was full of tears from both sides of the family.

Narcissa cried enough for every Malfoy that didn't attend combined.

"How's it feel to officially be a Malfoy, hm?" he says, fully aware that he cried while planning the wedding because he didn't know whether he wanted to take your last name or for you to take his.

"How's it feel to officially be a L/N?" you say, because you guys hyphenated your last names.

He turns bright red every time he's reminded that he is, in fact, a L/N.

He's just so happy to be sharing a name with you, honestly.

You guys live happily ever after <3

Whether that means eventually becoming homeowners in the muggle world or going back to the wizarding world, getting more pets or acquiring children.

Whatever happens you two are just happy to be doing it together.

Can you guys tell I want to explode Lucius with my mind? He's like my second least favorite character after Umbridge.

As always lmk if there's typos I missed while proofreading pls <3 I have a silly goofy little wedding planning drabble planned for later today. Unless I fall asleep, then I'll post it tomorrow.

[emlan]

Finished expansion!

Final Fantasy XIV Dawntrail done, here's some MSQ spoiler thoughts:

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I've had XIV on ice for a while so I was going into it as a casual and not a diehard fangirl but still I am shocked and disappointed by how bored I was during the whole thing… And annoyed, which is a bigger crime. Constantly wondering why characters act like they do or why they aren't asking about X.

Alphinaud and Alisae did nothing and they were both an eyesore with their old outfits, dressing them in local threads would've been so easy and a cute way to buff the immersion of visiting a new continent. (To be fair I guess they HAVE to tag along even if the writer doesn't want them there due to Trusts? I'd argue Krile and Erenville were just pieces of furniture until the very last stretch too but they were at least interested in the same goal as Wuk Lamat so they didn't feel out of place.)

My fav stuff is interacting and bonding with characters new and old but it doesn't feel like we got much of that? Trying to picture what people will even draw fanart of for DT of and all my mind's eye can see is Wuk Lamat lovers drawing WoLship art or just her looking cute and/or hot. (Also Erenville looking cute and/or hot.)

Doing a "sweet girl turns into massive threat" right after a "sweet girl turns into massive threat" expansion is rather brazen but it is a Classic so whatever. Would've been neat if she was an adult woman instead.

I could probably rant about several particular moments but I can feel myself slowly starting to morph into a WORST expansion EVER red-arrow-and-circle YouTube thumbnail which would be rather unsexy of me so I'll go ahead and choose happiness by listing the things I enjoyed instead;

Starting with the incredible lvl 93 weapons!!!! They all look like bland NPC pieces which is something super rare in this game, such a breath of fresh air. The NIN daggers especially is pure 10/10 and I was even considering changing my never-glamming-it-away ARR longbow into the new BRD one. The new sets are good too, I'm not much for scifi-y gear but the ones you get before Solution 9 are very nice and the aiming top gave my lizard a very lovely waist. I was really lucky to get the golden bangle hand drop that all Tuliyollal NPCs wear so I could fit in proper :3 Tweaking my main glam slightly to blend into each new areas better was a big source of fun.

Zoraal Ja bringing back an SSR Alpaca made me chuckle.

The moblin pot contract stuff is very endearing, basically they are keeping a crafter as a personal pet to love and pamper so they can do their best work? Such a cute Human Cattle aligned setup even though it's a mutual agreement and not actual ownership.

I liked the little merchant/seller skit we do with Koana even if my main glee was just seeing him wear something that didn't clash with his teal hair.

I perked up during the cooking contest introduction since it seemed like the chance for shenanigans was high, but they didn't really play around with it. At least we got Alisae musing to herself about Zuraal Ja and Baka Ja Ja in matching aprons 👌 Is the Fu awakening in you, my girl…?

Bakool Ja Ja doing his best to help out and getting a little flustered when receiving thanks after having been a stupid miserable bully that pretty much set off a nuke willy-nilly was nice, but only bcs I tend to clap like a seal no matter what when this trope appears. Since I am choosing happiness I'm not gonna comment more on his character.

The play was delightful as was the FF9 town wink in general (I also laughed for the wrong reasons at poor Otis doing a voice gag in an unvoiced cutscene, at least it still got the gist across well.)

lvl 100 dungeon nice presentation.

And…

Of course…….

Koana turning out to be an all-in siscon 🙏

Blessed be. It was rather predictable him and Wuk Lamat would end up as a duo ruler pair to cover each other's weaknesses, but her energetic public marriage proposal and stone carving to truly show off their union ran with the premise more than what I had braced for!

Love him feeling super jealous and obviously having been crying in the shower over WoL getting asked about a place in his sister's court [before he knew he had a place too] and then later him also clearly feeling threatened when she states that she views the WoL as one of her beloved siblings too. So pathetic clearly wanting to be the only Brother™ in her life ❤

I was kinda eyes emoji at Zoraal Ja too when he was staring at his sister with icy contempt, emboldened by my incest win when it came to the catboy I dared to dream that the oldest brother also harbored some obsessive feelings towards her that he didn't know how to handle, but that's not quite what happened… It's a shame we didn't get flashbacks of all those siblings together in various stages of life, I kept forgetting they were actually family so Wuk Lamat angsting over her evil brother made me go Oh Right every time I got reminded.

Lastly it wasn't quite part of the MSQ but the chuuni villain roundtable intro for the Role Quests was very silly (positive) and probably the most entertained I was during these past 4 days. Well, besides the actual trial fights being fun but I don't count those for story.

Ignoring the "human" faces and only going by the world the graphics/lighting update is very nice! My guy made it out OK but it stings a bit every time I see his mouth having had its charm nerfed. Very impressed by the not-Vanu Vanu, Horthgals and Mamool Jas facial expressions. However, hairstyles all look worse than before, so soft and "washed out"? I'm exaggerating for effect rn but Koana looks like he has a soft teal cloud as hair basically? And the twins' white hair is now too uniformly white without the darker hair strand lines…

The inn room is probably the nicest looking one we've gotten so far, both luxurious and cozy vibes. Always crack up seeing my Au Ra in bed nothing says relaxation like a super stiff coffin pose.

Quite bummed I couldn't find as much excitement as in previous expacks and I probably won't bother renewing sub for a while, but at least I already have other fandoms to keep me occupied.

[accio-bagel]

10 and 19 for character asks!!

Hi my dear Char!

Thank you for the asks!

10. What is their main character arc in the story? Where do they start and how do they develop? Do they get a happy ending or is their story a tragic one?

Ellie’s main arc is about learning to trust, to open up to loved ones, and to ask for help when she needs it. She keeps a lot of secrets and hides many aspects of herself from most people, so it would be a long journey for her. Her upbringing taught her to be extremely independent and she’s coming from a very emotionally guarded place. Ellie sees Fig as a father figure, and although she'd confide in him, he is quite similar and his encouragement to keep things from others didn't help matters much. After his admittance that he should’ve confided in Professor Weasley about what had been going on all year, Ellie realized she’d been acting the same way, and when he died she was motivated to open up more to those she trusts. After she’d learned of all her closest friends’ traumatic pasts and they’d all proven they would have her back no matter what, she confessed her own history to them. I think she would have a lot of growth to do first and would experience setbacks and more tragedy in her life, but I like to imagine a happy ending for her someday. 

19 was a popular one for Ellie! So I'll sum up what I answered already:

My favorite thing about Ellie is probably that she's not a self-insert, because I wanted to play with a personality and morals that don't necessarily align with mine. That said, I still gave her some shared traits with myself (ADHD.) I also love her confidence and ability to remain cool under pressure, her resilience, and her resourcefulness. Though I love her flaws and all, if I were an innocent bystander in her world, something that might rub me the wrong way would be her manipulative tendencies, even when unintentional or used for good reasons (or so she thinks.) 

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

I Wonder what you think of people fishing (in general). I personally would love to learn how to fish and learn how to catch specific fish with bait and even mount some cool catches, but sometimes, I ask myself if this aligns with my moral standings. I’m personally pescatarian and love eating fish, but can’t help feel sorry for them while eating them.

I also know that fishing does help with regulating/population-control of specific fish. 🧐

Anyways, I’d love to know how you feel about eating fish and fishing fish whilst also loving fish and appreciating fish. 🐟

(I’ve used the word fish multiple times haha, fish fish fish fish 🐠)

I get what you mean! It's a whole moral conundrum and a half, I'll say.. ^^' I used to enjoy fishing myself, my family and I would go to the local pond and do catch and release fishing; I liked it because it was the only time I could properly see and handle fish, as otherwise they were out of sight under the water. Some years back though, I became very conflicted about fishing just for enjoyment due to the inevitable stress it causes the fish to be pulled out of the water by their mouth and roughly handled on land. Sometimes fish don't recover from the shock and end up dying anyway. I felt awful thinking back on all the fish that must've suffered at my own hands. The last time I went fishing was probably about three years back, I haven't fished since. Although I haven't 100% decided that I'm never in my life fishing again, it's probably safe to assume I won't be fishing for a long, long while... @~@

That's how I feel about myself fishing, but when it comes to others fishing, I really don't mind. Everyone can decide for themselves what they wish to do, and where their stance on fishing lies. Even if I don't like eating most fish, it is a fact that fish can be more sustainable than other animal meat and eating local native fishes is a very good alternative to just buying from the store! Much like you said, fishing can be used to control populations of fish, like invasive species (lionfish come to mind immediately), which is also very good! Fishing is also just a fun hobby to have and brings a lot of enjoyment to many people, haha.

Much like commercial fishing, leisure fishing can have bad impact on fish and fish populations, but it doesn't have to be that way! One can take measures to fish in a way that doesn't harm the overall population and causes the fishes minimal stress, take for example my good friend! She has kept fish as pets and loves them much like I do, but she still fishes. She sands down the barbs on her hooks, and when she fishes with the intent of eating, she quickly puts the fish down. She holds the belief that if you're planning on having meat in your diet, you have to get comfortable with the idea that animals have to die for that diet, and also be sure that the animals didn't have to die in a more painful and stressful way than what was necessary. I pretty much agree with her.

So yeah! To make a long, rambly story short, I don't want to fish myself but I'm otherwise pretty neutral on the topic. Other people can go fish as much as they want to, but I only wish that people would make it easier on the fishes themselves! Their lives are valuable too and I think it is a fisher's responsibility to make sure they are treated with dignity and mercy.

Man, I ended up writing fish and fishing and fishes so many times myself, they don't even look like real words anymore! Fishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfishfish!

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

hi hi hi nyla i'm here in your askbox for the selfship game that i totally didn't corral you into lmao--

anywho. for my beloved chocolate cosmos and sea otters: 🐇,🎀, 🩹, ❄️, and 🎃? (please and ty <333)

heyo hash! i see you wanna indulge in my clownery today and i love you for it uwu i look forward to seeing your answers for what i sent too

🐇 — what kind of pet do you think you could raise together with them?

in both cases, cats. but i am open to other types of pets too, dogs, rabbits, snakes, etc. but irl i do have cats so i usually just picture cats

🎀 — do you have any matching clothes with them? If so, what does it look like?

chocolate cosmos: orihime is more of the matching outfit type than i am and i am happy to indulge her. she'd probably prefer complementary outfits if anything (i'll expand on it a bit more in halloween question)

sea otters: if we ever do, it's unintentional and it gets a chuckle out of the both of us and it is typically pointed out by someone else

🩹 — if you or your f/o got hurts, how would the other react?

chocolate cosmos: orihime is a healer so she tends to fret and insist on healing me immediately if i get hurt. i worry myself though when it is in reverse since it takes more effort for her to heal herself and i'll be staying put til i know my baby is fine

thankfully we are mostly retired from the life that would require her powers unless a certain carrot top needs an assist

sea otters: if it is something really minor and ace didn't do anything stupid to get hurt, i try to be chill and keep hovering to a minimum. if he did do something stupid though, ace is more concerned with my reaction than he is of whoever he fought to get hurt in the first place

if i'm the one getting hurt though, he frets and hovers incessantly

❄️ — how would you spend Christmas with them?

chocolate cosmos: orihime is the christmas person, not so much me and since i'm not really a christmas person, i follow the customs orihime are most used to regarding it. in japan, christmas is more of a holiday where you try getting a date than it is a family thing here in the states so we always have a fun date planned for that day and at the end of it we do a gift exchange

sea otters: just an excuse to throw a party on the ship and even then it's mostly just shanties and drinking. in a more modern au, i think it'd just be a time where we have a guaranteed day we spend with sabo and luffy and dadan as well as my moms if the stars align

🎃 — what is your Halloween costume? Do they match with your f/o?

chocolate cosmos: this is where orihime's like of complementary outfits come into play. if she is ariel, i'm eric. if dress up as L, she dresses up as watari it is something we'd have fun with every year

sea otters: as adults, it's just a fun time on the ship and an excuse to have an impromptu party. as kids, we just dressed up as whatever we wanted. he wanted the coolest costume, i wanted whatever was sparking my interest. as we get older we might occasionally indulge in halloween outfits depending on our moods and if we had the time to get anything. in a modern au, i know for a fact he dresses up as some sort of werewolf and our place is known to have the best candy in the neighborhood

send in a selfship ask

[crystaiskiess]

Thank you for answering first of all :) (also glad it wasn't a dumb question, one win at a time🫡). And tbh I really didn't have any answer of yours in mind, I just wanted an answer for it in general since it's really been plaguing my mind since that chapter; So that answer is MORE than enough. And also memory failure very much makes sense, I myself am a very forgetful person too, so like😭 (maybe I'm also just a little bit of a sappy person and thats why I wanted to know and thought: maaaybe?).

Sometimes I forget that people in stories don't have the pleasure of rereading and rereading and rereading their own stories till their last breath, which I obviously can do, so of course I'll remember it when they dont.

Though on THAT topic and please excuse me if that is one question/topic too much, I would very much understand since I can be a bit much with stuff I fixate on; but since I've read "The crystal cave" the first time I looked out for the stuff you implied might happen in the future. One of which was the sword scene (help I don't know what else to call it). At first I thought that scene happened in "The Changeling" when Merlin gave Arthur his sword and they have the talk about destiny and how it makes you feel like you don't have any choice etc, but then "The Sorcerers truth" came out and on god you made me doubt all that because that ALSO seemed to fit "the crystal caves" description (if not more than the scene from The changeling). The one thing I know is that I myself knew logically Merlin wouldn't really remember that since it was just snippets he saw, I've just been looking out for it so I kind of jumped at "The Sorcerers Truth's" description with that sword and magic conparison. I was very unsure if that would still later be explained or not (since I also caught the cloak scene you wrote in of Arthur still having it from "Under false presences") I really just wanted to know if I had the right idea here or not, I'd very much understand if it wasn't possible to answer that, though.

anyways to cut it short I really just wanted to say how much I appreciate your story and thank you for writing it since it's been one of, if not my favorite ever since (if that hasn't been made clear yet) and that I really rarely spent any time not thinking about it (kinda bad if you have other stuff to do but oh well). I hope it wasn't too much of anything and also coherent enough to understand. But I couldn't really not say it, since it's just non stop on my mind for what feels like an eternity now and as of now I couldn't really ever talk about it, and in all honesty I could probably spent days talking about it.

I really hope you have a good rest of your day/night :)

awww thank you so so so much !!! i truly cannot even express how much it means to know that you're enjoying oafk so much and that it's one of your favourites, it really means the absolute WORLD

yeah i love to hint sometimes at the fact that unlike us, merlin and arthur don't have the ease of being able to reread their own lives, and even though it's obviously a lot of words and a lot to keep track of even for readers, for them entire years full of memories and experiences are passing, some things are bound to slip through the cracks !!!

to answer your question (and truly there are never too many questions i love talking about oafk, it's my baby) yeah you're absolutely right merlin doesn't remember those snippets of visions at all, they were much more for the reader - and the sword scene aligns with the one in 'the sorcerer's truth' !!! you've 100% got the right idea there

i hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night too 💕💕

[chirpsythismorning]

wait you're not saying you think Jonathan might be Hoppers son too, right? hooking up Twice and having Two sets of kids with each other multiple years apart? sounds a bit too out there and something that would have Had to have come up before if they want it to be satisfying, because there'd be no way either of them could be in the dark about it

Hey, I get it! I was also skeptical myself (I still am)!

To be fair, when it comes to Jonathan, I'm still not 100% certain Hopper is his dad. But tbh, the fact that there is so much sufficient evidence he is Will and El's, along with some notable mentions pointing to the possibility he could be Jon's too, I'm intrigued. Like, they might as well go all out if they're going this route anyways?

No, I would not say it's explicit by any means, though I also wouldn't say with certainty that it's never come up at all either?

I also want to say that it took me a while to get here. I didn't just believe it all at once, it took going through different revelations and correcting theories based on things not adding up, while in contrast other things made a lot more sense for the overall story. And that is bound to continue happening regardless of what I think at this moment!

Initially, after stumbling across twelvegate, I wasn't even sure Will and El were twins? It wasn't until AGAIN rewatching certain scenes and seeing all this twin imagery that made it hard not to consider?

Though even so, at the time I was still pretty set on the assumption that they couldn't have the same mom, with Joyce obviously being Will's mom and Terry obviously being El's mom (right...). And so I thought maybe they could just be half-siblings? Sharing the same dad (Lonnie) and conceived around roughly the same time? Estranged siblings, only mere days/weeks apart? And so like, might as well be twins? I guess?

This was a pretty easy conclusion to come to because there was already a decent amount of evidence from s1 pointing to Lonnie potentially being a volunteer for MKUltra, alongside Terry.

I made a shit-post about this a while back. In case you want to see all the images related to this, feel free to check that out. I'll try to summarize it here quickly though, bc it's probably too vague there with the images alone:

When Hopper and Cal are at the Library in s1, we're shown quick snapshots of newspaper clippings related to Hawkins Lab, with one picture being the volunteers that participated in MKUltra. Though, the first time we see it, it's a negative image. So there was almost this anonymity to it, making you wonder if there was something that might have warranted them not wanting us to see it fully? At least not right away, for some reason? And I think this actually might have been because the effect made it appear like most of the participants were likely women, bc they all had long hair. But then, when we're finally shown the original picture near the end of the episode, right before they let us see it, Hopper says Forget about her (referring to Terry), only to reveal it was actually a man with long hair at the forefront, with Terry in the back to the right... And honestly, this guy in the middle does resemble Lonnie quite a bit. Like, if they had to cast someone to play a late 20's/early 30's Lonnie, this guy would fit the bill.

In that same scene, we also got an article that specifically mentioned individuals that were already addicts/alcoholics being chosen as participants for the experiments, and I do think Lonnie could arguably fit there.

Then there's the multiple comments about Lonnie dating women younger than him, and that might very well have aligned perfectly with Terry's sister saying she had joined MKUltra in college as a way to get extra cash (he would have still been roughly 10 years older than her, assuming she was in here early 20s at the oldest). It's also implied quite a bit that he's not exactly faithful, so this possibility of him cheating on Joyce with Terry while volunteering at the lab, could explain Will and El being practically the same age and with the same dad.

Basically this led me down a rabbit hole that had me genuinely considering the possibility that Will and El are blood related and that Lonnie could be their father, with El being born in the lab with Terry, while Will was born on the outside in Hawkins with Joyce. And I guess this could also fit the whole Will being the control group/El being the experiment group theory? Bc the lab probably found out about Will's existence after he was already born outside of the lab. Maybe they realized this would be a perfect opportunity to compare one kid in the lab vs. one out of the lab?

There are some other notable moments from s1 that read as potential evidence to me. My favorite though probably has to be this one, bc it just screams Willel twins:

This next one is so random, but here we have a transition between El in Mike's basement, followed directly by Lonnie taking a shower at the Byers...

Though, when it comes to Lonnie, he kind of falls off after s1? We get a few mentions of him here and there, but as time goes on, it's less and less. The story as a whole hasn't really prioritized him in the narrative, beyond the first two seasons (mostly the first), which would just make the revelation that he's been their father all along less impactful/satisfying if I'm being honest? Not saying he won't return in a vision or something, because I do think that's likely for s5. And yet arguably they've put more effort into connecting Terry to the overall story's narrative throughout the series than they have for Lonnie. And if you've read my previous posts about Terry, you know that's not saying much...

Which just makes you think, if they're putting all this time into prioritizing Hopper and Joyce, from the very beginning and even until now in s4, then that's probably for a reason? Remember this is a show that wants to encourage its viewers to rewatch it as an overall story once it's all finished. Emphasis on 'be kind, rewind'.

What I think makes this whole time trickery business interesting in regards to this 'crack' theory though, specifically within the context of Back to the Future, is that the plot of the movie was literally centered around Marty going to the past (1955), unintentionally preventing his parents from getting together, which in turn meant he was on track to cease to exist.

Although Marty thought he fixed it, Back to the Future Part II follows a similar storyline. Only this time, because of Marty's actions in the first film, another timeline has emerged that has lead to him, yes technically still existing in 1985 bc his parents still got together like they did in the original timeline, though unfortunately somewhere along the way, in the 70's George McFly died, which lead to a timeline contrasting the original 1985 timeline we were presented with in the first film, which looked like a literal nightmare, with Biff having taken the place of their father.

Which instantly reminds me of another certain show's incoming 1950's timeline, which is said to connect the overall story's s5 revelations with the origin story of Joyce and Hopper...

While I do agree, at a glance it's confusing to presume that not only Will and El are Hopper's kids but also Jonathan, I would argue it's just as confusing that somewhere along the way they got together, while Joyce was still married to Lonnie? If that was the case, I think the story would supplied a lot more evidence of Joyce herself knowing there is a big chance that Will could be his. But instead they behave as though they haven't talked since high school?

So... basically, regardless of time trickery or not, their memories are shot.

Which brings us to the most important piece of the puzzle:

Terrygate.

I am now 99.99% sure Terry is not El's 'Mama'... (Very strong evidence explored here and here)

And so that obviously begs to question, if Terry isn't El's mom? Then who is?

Joyce. It has to be Joyce.

And so that means that us just assuming Lonnie could be both of their dads, and with us now also assuming Joyce is their mom.. Then, maybe they are twins? Maybe all of that twin imagery connected to Will and El did count for something?

If you've read the posts about Terry not being El's mom, then you know that a lot of El's visions provided by Terry have resurfaced in different variations ever since she met her in 2x05, all the way up to now in 4x09. Not only that, but the references to 008 (Kali) in most of these flashbacks, including her flashbacks of the massacre (provided by Brenner), are incredibly suspicious. And the fact that we've got a woman doctor matching the nail polish of Terry in El's memory of her birth (one where you can hear two babies crying, I might add...) could very well be an indication that the memories she has, are tampered with...

You might be thinking NO! NO WAY! And I'm sorry but, Yes. Yes way.

Because this was in large part the main goal of MKUltra, from the very beginning. No, but like literally.

As I'm posting this, @erikiara80 posted this and... It makes so much fucking sense.

Just like El, Hopper has also been experiencing some PTSD like memory flashes throughout the series. We get the same like 10 snippets of memories. They keep reminding us with these snapshots that are super cryptic, only leaving us with more questions than answers.

Not only that, but David has said for YEARS that Sarah's death might not be what it seems, and basically alluded to the fact that she could have some sort of connection to the lab. Hopper literally experiences these flashbacks while trying to find Will in the UD, after discovering Will's tiger in Castle Byers at the end of s1 (the same stuffed animal Sarah, Will and El all have).

Not only that, but it's clear based on the setting of where Hopper is during the flashbacks with his daughter in the hospital, that he is quite literally at Hawkins lab... And so what the hell? He doesn't remember that? Why? Wouldn't that be an important detail for him to bring up and mention at some point? Wouldn't they want to inform us of his history at the lab, assuming he had one there? Wouldn't he be more skeptical about having Will go there if he had such a traumatic experience there? Unless he doesn't remember it being Hawkins lab? Unless those cheap ass memories are not the full truth in the first place??

I mean why else do these flashbacks read like forced memories more than actual reality?

Also, I find it interesting that Hopper left Hawkins right around the time before Will was born, to live in New York with his newborn and his wife (NYU is also Jon's dream school, since he was 6... Interesting).

And so what I think is going on here, is time trickery and false memories. An og timeline and a new one (or more...).

This means that Joyce, Jim, Jonathan, Will and El were probably a family at one point. But they've basically been ripped apart, losing each other (their memories of each other), leading them to believe that they are not family based on new memories in place, blocking the old memories.

The whole thing with Back to the Future is that those 3 kids can ONLY exist if their parents get together. This means that if Biff had somehow ended up preventing George and Lorraine from ever having kids like in the original timeline, then Marty and his siblings would cease to exist, as it wouldn't be possible for Biff and Lorraine to have the same kids as George and Lorraine ie. genetics.

And so this begs to question if perhaps Henry or the lab (assuming they successfully cracked time travel, which was one of the goals of MKUltra...), benefited much greater from Will and El and the entire family not knowing about their true relationship, and yet here they are experiencing the most intense bouts of deja vu I've ever seen.

This scene right here with Hopper? Still 99% unexplained. Why is this dude experiencing borderline dad deja vu, encased in a rainbow, witnessing the lights flicker firsthand (unlike Callahan, who upon arriving, the lights turn back on)? And we're all just nodding our heads like it's nothing, despite having no clue what is going on? This is the pilot? And we don't know what happened here??

Also I wanna remind ya'll that Hopper was seen mixing alcohol with Tuinal in s1, though he did stop after having suspicions he was being watched. And so presumably, since his 'daughters death' he has been highly medicated, mixing drugs/booze... not great for a persons memory... like at all (especially if it was intentionally being done to him by the lab to hide the truth from him).

This is obviously too iconic not to mention. But this basically supports the theory, that despite the this whole family being clueless about their true connection, we're still acknowledging the fact that Joyce and Hopper have indeed been intimate at some point. And here with Will's name being thrown in the middle, followed by That a yeah or? And so what's happening subtly is, Will's name being used as proof that yes. they have... aka Will existing is the proof.

Oh would you look here! Terry likes reading books on Bonsai trees? Wait, didn't Brenner open s4 as a Bonsai tree enthusiast? Also notice what Hopper at the end there? What did I tell you about that dad deja-vu It's almost like subconsciously he knows deep down that there is a connection to Terry and Brenner.

Seems like Terry knows something that someone doesn't want Joyce and Hopper (or the audience) to know... Almost like if she could actually respond to them, she would debunk/correct their assumptions. And so because she can't, the characters (and the audience) believe what is on the surface being told to us, while being forced to rewatch El's memories connected to her mother + Hopper's memories connected to his daughter, over and over in flashes... This is because despite what they're telling us, they're SHOWING us that there's obviously something we're still missing...

Hopper seeing Will's lion stuffed animal in castle byers and it triggering flashbacks of his daughter, n a gown that has clowns on it, matching the clowns in the baby nursery... Like, I don't?.. I just don't trust it? It reads as a mixture of true and false, just like El's flashbacks from Terry and the lab do.

And I'm sorry but, Owens? Oh, he knows something for sure... And there's that dad deja vu again. DUDE KNOWS SOMETHING IS OFF! HE KNOWS!

Also, I am a byler, and so I do agree in part with the byler implications fans have speculated over the years for El and Will's relationship being sort of pushed to obscurity, to represent Mike's struggle between his feelings for both of them...

But, lets really think about this for a second... Girl and boy, who are mirrored to each other for most of s1-2, don't even get properly introduced ever? Like it's just odd that it happens that way. It almost feels like they knew an introduction wouldn't have done them justice? It wouldn't have felt right for these characters, assuming we will all be going back and rewatching from a lens of them being twins and not knowing it? It also makes it a lot more interesting seeing them approach it in this way, where they're quite literally avoiding interactions between them at all costs, only for them to end up being siblings the moment they do start a real connection?

The 2 babies in between them... The keys... This has been a recurring theme since the first fucking episode ya'll, connecting all of these characters? Like, do I even have to say it..?

Will and John sitting in front of the Lucky Charms... Followed by El having deja vu, inspired by the Rainbow/Upside down horse shoe... Remind you of anyone?

Father of (micro)biology behind El, whose looking at Will, both with their matching wrist accessories (also matching Hopper's blue bracelet/watch being focused on for his introduction in the series pilot), and also with a literal Hopper diorama in front of her/between them...

Oh, and just this arguably unnecessary line, that barely even made sense in the context of the scene it was in...? Usually when this happens, it could be a hint that the whole reason it falls flat in the moment is because the true meaning lies somewhere else in a different moment, still yet to be revealed.

And then you know, there's this...

With all of that in mind, these tiny moments in particular, potentially connecting Jonathan's role in all of this, definitely have me side eying...

What part is he talking about? Part I or Part II? What timeline are we in again???!!

Is it explicit and in your face? No. Definitely not. BUT it's there and it arguably holds more weight consistently in terms of these characters all being tied together super intricately and also prioritized more than any of the other supposed parents, since the very beginning... and that seems like something that would make this revelation so fucking crazy, quite literally going full circle just like the Duffers and the actors have been saying the ending indeed accomplishes...

I am subject to be wrong about any and all of this! I am human! And I will be okay if I am wrong! Now, will you be okay with others theorizing? That is up to you my friend!

I do think that this theory does give off the vibe of the whole curtain metaphor in s2 though? How those willing to take a look behind the curtain aka consider byler for example, are going to be the same people that are going to be able to pick up on other things beyond that. Because if you're not willing to consider byler, that means you're going to have to subscribe to the claim that details don't matter, and therefore you're essentially blocking yourself from looking at anything deeper than surface level. Being willing to even look behind the curtain at all, would open the curtain behind that curtain. and the curtain behind that one, and I think behind byler, is Willel. It's like a plot twist within a plot twist. And same goes for Jopper being their biological parents.

Whether or not Jonathan is included in that, along with all of this theory as a whole, remains to be seen!

[no-romo-hoes]

Whether or not I would date you based on your alignment!

(Keep in mind I'm aligned with the Desolation, but I do not speak for all who worship the flame)

The Buried: Hell yes. I live for that sense of stability and comfort, and there's no one better at hugging than The Buried.

The Hunt: mmmm nah. To be honest, you wouldn't want to date me either, we'd probably just hook up once and never chat again. That, or you'd only want me if I didn't want you back, and that's always annoying.

The Eye: haha lol no. You'd either be too busy with your studies to pay attention to me, or you'd make it your personal mission to know everything there is to know about me. Both are not ideal.

The Slaughter: I wanna say no. I really, really, really wanna say no. And that's all I'll say on the matter.

The Vast: I wanna say yes, you guys are always such beautiful souls, and I can totally understand the drifting further and further away from reality, but goddamnit please listen when I'm talking. And actually pretend like you care about me as a person. please.

The Spiral: YES. Man, y'all are sexy. Not just because the Distortion is a fine piece of [REDACTED], and not just because I have a very sexy Spiral friend that looks exactly like Michael, but also because y'all are just so fun. There's never a dull moment with you. So yeah, date me please.

The Stranger: ehhhhhhh. Not really? I feel like you need to figure out what the f**k your personality is. And while you're at it, stop playing f**king show tunes in the car, I wanna listen to something else. Like, ANYTHING ELSE.

The Corruption: Well yes, but actually no. I know y'all are super loving, like, you would still love me even if I physically abused you for fun (I wouldn't but y'know), but I'm messy enough as it is. I don't need muddy footprints all over the house and mould on the bathroom mirror. Still love you though, Jane Prentiss is sexy af.

The Dark: I have no feelings for followers of the Divine Host. I don't know enough about the Dark to have an opinion. I apologise for those who align with this one, but really I have nothing to go on.

The Desolation: absolutely. but also no. I know all my flaws well, and I couldn't bear to see them in someone else. But also you have passion, you love people (however few people that is), and you fight for them. Your protectiveness is admirable, not to mention really hot (pun intended).

The Web: NO. I am way too susceptible to manipulation, especially guilt tripping, and I would gaslight myself into thinking you're perfect. But once I admit you're manipulating me, I will hate you more than I have hated anyone ever before.

The Flesh: Oh god no. Either you have so much body dysphoria it becomes your whole personality, or you're just a gym rat. I pity both of those options.

The End: Oh yes. Ohhhhhh yes. I have no idea why, but yes.

The Lonely: Nah. I need attention. You wouldn't want to hang out with me anyway.

The Extinction: Um.

[twst-drabbles]

Hiiii!! So... I don't even know where to start. I started reading your stories three days ago and finished last night. I didn't close tumblr at all so I didn't lose where I stopped.

I read House Pet Au and Sanctuary Au. AMAZING. Every fic, every character story... There where moments that I didn't wanted to stop reading, even though I had work and so on

I was so on the hype that wanted to read the next one immediately and forgot to leave a comment on them. So here I am, thank you for your work!

Ps.: I just found out your Masterlist, so I'll go see it because I scrolled down your blog and problably missed some fic. Now I'll also leave a comment

Ho damn that's a lot of words to binge. I kinda keep track and I have written well over 100,000 words so that must've been a treat! The handy dandy little index is always there to help you out in case you miss something. I should probably make an index for Rollo but eh, he's gonna have to wait.

There are a lot of little moments I have to capture but it's difficult to do so without writing an entire fanfiction about it, and I have trouble with committing to fanfics. I get about 20,000 words in and I just, stop? I'm not that good at motivating myself to be perfectly honest. I'd definitely do better if I was co-writing a reader insert fanfiction with someone, though obviously it has to align with my interests such as the reader being someone who cannot be flustered. Or gets romantic feelings first.

Man I'm picky.

But yeah, I really encourage everyone to leave comments and replies in my works cause I love reading them.

[metaltea]

Would you mind sharing some stuff about your experience as a genderfluid person if you feel comfortable with that? I've been questioning if I am for a while now, so it'd be really nice to get your perspective on things.

Like, how does it feel to be genderfluid and how do you know when you're a boy, girl or inbetween? When did you find out? If any of your family or friends know, do they call you different names based on your current gender?

Delete if this makes you uncomfortable by the way!

Of course!

(long post ahead oops)

It's difficult to describe what it feels like to be genderfluid as like... you can't really explain what it feels like to be a different gender to someone who has only experienced one gender their whole life, ya know? Or even to a trans person, since the fluidity complicates things. But I'll do ma best. Also this is only my personal experience, every genderfluid person will view things uniquely.

So I don't personally view it as "being a girl, boy, etc" but rather being farther on the masc (masculine) or fem (feminine) scale. Like I might say I'm having a "boy" day or a "girl" day but what I really mean is I'm feeling particularly masc or particularly fem.

On my fem days, I feel the best because I'm afab (assigned female at birth) and therefore don't experience dysphoria for that... though it is a bit strange because I do feel like I have to really emphasize to people that I'm a girl for some reason, by wearing makeup, skirts, etc even though I don't look like a guy so it's just a self-image thing. Maybe because I have a pretty masculine face?? Idk. But I get kinda a certain euphoria about it. I love my fem days so much. I can feel myself without worry about getting strange looks or feeling bad about my body.

On my masc days, I almost always experience dysphoria and therefore I hate my masc days with a burning passion. I also tend to be like "maybe I'm trans after all ://" even though I know for a fact it will change soon. Thankfully, masc days are few and far between compared to neutral/fem. During these days, I like to wear baggy clothes, I can't wear a binder due to the breathless feeling it gives me but sports bras or just being shirtless without one (AT HOME), letting my hair get unkempt and/or putting it in a bun under a hat, etc.

On neutral days, I'm probably the most "me". Not too much to say about these days; I don't particularly mind dressing masc or fem, I'm just a chilled-out potato.

So I guess it's kinda like having two (or three if you count neutral days) people inside me, but still much different from a split personality disorder or anything like that. I still keep my core interests no matter how I identify, though certain smaller preferences will align with my current identity (like makeup on fem days, not because fem people inherently like makeup but because it helps me feel more confident in my current identity). I am also aware that I am the same person throughout all these phases, but simply my need to present in a certain way (masc, fem, neutral) changes due to a switch in my brain. How does that switch work?? No clue.

I found out when I was around 14. I had been aware of trans identities for a while but that didn't feel like me. Then I saw the term genderfluid and was like woa there's a word for it?? Sick! Now that I'm nearly 24, I still value this part of myself and am glad I had access to the internet to expose me to things beyond the strict binary I was taught. Not to get into trauma but like genuinely, if I didn't have access to the net, I... Yeah, things would not have gone well. Fuck bigotry.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Heck, I remember having masc days as far back as when I was like 6 or something. I struggled with wanting to be a "tomboy" vs a "girly girl" bc I thought I had to pick one and that it would forever be my identity (fool!)

As for family, only my sibling knows. Considering how telling them (or rather being outed against my consent) as asexual, I will never trust anyone else in my family with this aspect of myself. My sib is agender themselves so it's easier for them to grasp. They don't have a different name for me based on gender and that's ok with me.

All my close friends know, and respect it (pro tip if a friend doesn't respect it, toss em in da bin) and, since they're all on discord, I'll simply change my name based on what my current identity is (on there it's Cindy (fem), Cyn (neutral) or Cid (masc) and that simplifies things immensely.

Hope that helps a bit!

[nathank77]

6/3/24

9:30 p.m SIGNIFICANTLY Added to/Edited

Brief update I got to get into the shower. I got my testosterone today. Perscribed by a different dr... weird. Maybe she's on vacation or sick or something. Still haven't heard back about xanax but I'll talk to them in person on Wednesday the day I need it bc it aligns with my t-shot so I wont freak out yet.

I had therapy that was nice. And I did overall sleep well last night. I woke up at 9 a.m needing to pee after having a weird dream: I was in my current house trying to keep a man out, a man in a suit. I believe, not a jacket but a button up. I had the chain locked and I put the chair under the doorknob. I kept looking out the window through the blinds. He had shown up a few times. I remember even though the interior of my house was the same as it is now the outside was at my old house where there was a half way house that my uncle steve who has paraniod schizophrenia lived. I could see the house and the people on the rocking chairs outside. I do remember I kept thinking about my back door and how I wasn't sure if it was locked. I didn't check it, I just reassured myself it was locked.... the dream ended and I woke up.

I took a Benadryl 25mg at 9 a.m when I woke up. Peed. And passed back out... then I slept until 3:30 needed to pee really badly but i Closed my eyes and then it was 4:30... I had therapy at 5.

I hope I fall asleep at like 7:30 a.m... I'm worried I've been trying to wake up at 3:30 everyday for a reason. I did not think I'd fall back to sleep when I closed my eyes I really needed to pee.

I had a couple weird mental images with potential auditory hallucinations last night. One was my legs in my room I was like seeing myself from third person. And I clapped my hands on my thighs twice. I had clothes on.. but I heard the clap... idk if it was a mental image that aligned with American dad or not... then I had another mental image where I dropped something on the floor and I heard the bang.. I don't think it was American dad.... I was worried I wouldn't fall asleep.. but I did.

Hopefully bc I overslept I won't have issues falling asleep tonight/tomorrow.. I had another weird dream. Where I was being shot at by jets and AA guns.. and there was someone out to kill me for being trans but I was smoking weed with him and he kept saying I'm going to kill you soon. I'm still exploring the potential symbolism of both dreams.

I see the symbolism in the dream with Steve my uncle with paraniod schizophrenia. I think the guy was trying to take me away for being crazy... idk I felt threatened. That's all I know and I know that half way house with Steve was there for a reason.. he has Parkinson disease now from antipsychotics. And he is a zombie. It's really sad.

The other dream-I'm always under attack by my brain for being trans, and weed killed me? It killed my brain chemistry and now psychosis attacks my trans identity? Idk.. I think that's pretty clear symbolism with the AA guns and jets shooting at me.. and smoking weed with the guy who was going to kill me. There was def Symbolism to my ptsd with the gun fire...

I got to schedule my mri tomorrow. I realized I don't have paperwork... but they never called me back..

Beyond that: I realized I'm still having visual hallucinations... I looked at her followers list number today... and magically it went from let's say 59 to 60 right in front of my eyes... so that's awesome... I must add i haven't touched weed since that morning at 9 a.m where I was considering taking another half mg of xanax but I wanted to use my last resort before potentially raising my tolerance.

I want to smoke weed but I have not touched it. I legit hit it like 6 times and closed my eyes and fell asleep... and that was it. I may try it soon..I miss it and it's about to go bad in August. If I'm still having visuals... and they are the same as they were in October/November I'm probably safe. All I know is I'm still having them sober... so if I have some high what's the difference? It's a consideration I really miss it. And it may not put me to sleep like it used to but it helps. I smoked at 9 a.m i was sleeping within 15-30 minutes...

Also once I get out of the shower I guess I'm going to eat and wash my glasses and then brush my teeth after dinner...

Idk if I'll game or watch TV. My mom is already in her room.. hardcore nuketown starts tomorrow. I got my white mulberries in the mail but still haven't gotten my b12...it's delayed...

Also I emailed my Dr about the black stool. It hasn't happened since. I asked her if i should schedule an appt/if it was serious and also if I should take the supplement like every couple or few days or just discontinue it and I told her for now I plan to return it. I haven't heard from her yet.

I don't like the different perscriber for my testosterone... but he is the covering doctor.. so she may be sick or on vacation. I'll worry about xanax Wednesday I'm thankful I have a reason to go there. So I don't have to call.. I hope my b12 comes in soon.. I'm prob just going to return the Potassium and eat bananas....

Also these are 2xl and I mean they were a little loose before but they fit like briefs.... now look at me they are fucking boxers...

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 2.4.24

To start with, my soul writing is not real. I've got to accept that. I suppose it's real in the sense that it's reflecting my ever-changing moods. But the intel I thought I was gathering, or whatever I thought I was connecting with, is not representative of my human reality. Whatever that is. I was promised a recall in a week and it didn't happen. So, it's not real.

I can deal with that. It was an experiment. It's probably something valuable to get me in touch with how I'm feeling any given day, but not useful for future planning. So I may keep it, but only for use as a barometer to get a grip on how I'm really feeling. I tried it today and got silence. Even though muscle testing said I should try it. Maybe that was the point. I'm in a place where there's no desire to try, or move, or understand, anything anymore.

Second of all, the chat. I felt some frustration for half a second, with K's delay, wanting to wait even longer, but then I saw what CA wrote and I knew that my experiment with this particular belief system is likely over. It sounded the death knell for me, when I read her words. I was in this perpetual state of 'waiting' to move on from here, and now I'm not. And it's fine, it really is. I don't think I will even necessarily leave the group, or stop using this blog. This blog is my main anchor to myself these days. I've been wanting to write daily for awhile and now I'm doing it. I'm grateful to your essence for playing off of mine. I wouldn't mind continuing it.

For whatever reason, I will continue this existence. I've cracked, as your dream implied. I may be beyond caring about anything, whether or not the people around me are NPCs (still not sure about any of that). Whether or not there's going to be a recall (you know I never cared one way or another). Whether or not there's a NE waiting somewhere for us. Whether or not vaping is just re-damaging the lungs I supposedly healed during my QHHT session. Right now, in this now moment, I don't care.

I participated in life, I jumped into the timestream. I saw what the creators of this game made. I saw the mess that it resulted in. And I know CA always says 'no judgment' and so did Naya (YT keeps showing me her vids) but I don't care. I judge. I am the judge. I am the cracked one, the one that judges. This experiment should not have been undertaken. Or perhaps, I should say, that once the full scale of realizing what this experiment resulted in became apparent, the game should have been shut down. A lot effing sooner. Perhaps my HS, who exists outside the game (if my HS even exists) disagrees. But I don't. Some things shouldn't be done. This game is one of them. The fact that CA was told we're going to stay here indefinitely leads me to believe that no takedown is ever going to happen. There's no reason to stay. There's nothing here to do, or change, or 'play' with. It's just an excuse to explain why no takedown has occurred. IMO. I wouldn't be surprised if my HS leaves for good now. My body, failing a little bit more every day, even though I was told it wouldn't. So again, I lied to myself.

It's fine though. It really is. Perhaps CA would say I'm resisting again, perhaps there is some other excuse. But when I feel into the energy of CA, and I feel into the energy of you, it feels different. Like you two have split or are no longer aligned, or something. I don't know what that means anymore. And it probably means nothing. It just means I have no stake in this game, this universe, and is more proof that my experiment with this belief system is at its end. All I know is, I have to stop believing in the recall or the takedown, despite all the promises of my soul writing and pendulum. Maybe that was the point I was always meant to arrive at. Cracked and completely off the chain. What happens next, who knows. I'm not even sure I care. I'll experiment with living in the now moment, I guess.

This is probably getting way too long. Maybe I'll write more later. Maybe not.

[rosieuv]

flashbacks/pathetic rant that you don't care about but I have this urge to post anyway

I remember back in year 10 someone in my year (I don't remember who but they were quite popular if that helps you imagine the kind of person) asked if I had a vlog. Pretty random question considering I don't typically talk to people like them and never mentioned it in conversation, but me being the naiive idiot I was, I told them that I had a Spacehey and gave them my username. Now this wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so open back then online as I used it like a diary. Someone with common sense (ie modern day me) wouldn't make that public, let alone give it to someone I somewhat knew in real life.

Please, for the love of god, DON'T MAKE THAT CRAP PUBLIC! Now people I sorta knew (didn't know all of their names but they weren't complete strangers to me) were reading my thoughts and commenting on them in real life. What made it worse is that I wrote something offensive about someone that I would consider a friend, and I didn't realise at the time because 15 year old me was stupid as hell. I know it's been almost a year since then but I really fucked things up. I eventually made it friends only and there's no point in trying as I'm not accepting friend requests nor using that website anymore as it just reminds me of the shit I said. It's a shame though as that website was pretty cool: it was basically myspace but modern and had a nice little community (and it ran perfectly on my iphone 5c!).

God did I seriously traumatise myself with my own stupidity? ...Nah...probably just thinking too deep into it.

The blogging in me never left though, hence why this exists. Since late March of this year, I've kept a diary that I update almost every day (on the days like today where I missed the previous day, I force my brain to remember it). The diffrence is that I keep that stuff private, which is good as it means I can ramble on about god knows what, but now I'm constantly worried that it's going to be used againsed me as blackmail in the future as uhhhhh...it contains...stuff...anyway the interesting thing about that is that I would only comment about a particular thing in that day rather than talking about everything. I don't know how my memory was that good as I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone write an entire paragraph on how I stole a cookie from my school.

I don't know why but I have a habit of having these urges to post whatever's on my mind online to get rid of it. This story did teach me though, is that I should shut the hell up and not tell a single soul in real life that I have a tumblr blog. If I was in that situation today, I would ask them where they got that info from and then ignore them; ya know, what inteligent people do in that situation. I just really hope my parents don't find out about my online presence. I've kept it a secret for almost 4 years but I'm so scared now of people judging me that I never wanted to tell them. Mum's never even heard me swear before, how do I know she won't spent 40 minuites of my time talking to me about personal stuff? People's morals never seem to align with mine and I'm scared that I'll so something really bad and not realise what I've done until it's too late, just like what I did to the friend I mentioned earlier, who I really wanted to get to know more as they were really cool but I fucked things up and they deserve to never speak to me again. The annoying thing with people is that I can't read minds like others so I can't tell what exactly they think of me. It's easiest just not to talk to anyone and be by myself as at least I know myself 100%. The internet is no exeption to this too as all it takes is 1 blog post for me to potentially be:

a creep

a criminal

a bigot

someone who others think is not doing too well mentally

someone who others think is insane

and I wouldn't even know until after I pressed the post button. It's scary as I want to be somewhat well known on the internet but I know that I'll end up causing my own downfall or even worse: knowingly turn into either of those 5 and horrify my past self (aka my current self).

I don't know why I even typed this out, you're going to read this and either not care, or think there's something wrong with me (when there isn't). I just needed this out of my system but if you know me in real life and you've read all this: please, for the love of god, don't do anything about it.

[twin-wolves-123]

long textpost incoming lol, for whoever cares

i think the thing i was least prepared for about being queer was just how fucking lonely it feels

tbh maybe lonely isn't the right word. helpless? hopeless?

When i first realized it i was in high school, and i didn't really make a big deal out of it at the time since it didn't affect my life a lot in particular-- i had a lot of other personal crap going on and the person who made me realize it ended up graduating anyway. i kind of just viewed it as a fact about me more than anything else, the same way my favorite color is a fact about me. Which is a privilege of course, i didn't really come out to anyone aside from close friends who were also out to me, but i did grow up in a pretty accepting area and was lucky enough to not particularly have internalized a shit ton of homophobia by then. but now that it's actually having a tangible impact on my life that view has definitely shifted to a more negative one.

for context, i think i've fallen a little in love with one of my close friends/roommate over the past couple of months. we've been pretty good friends for a bit over a year now, though only started rooming together at the start of this semester. he's a really great listener- sometimes he will just walk up and ask what i'm watching/doing on my laptop and let me ramble at him for however long about whatever niche interest is currently occupying my attention, he makes time to spend w/ me even if it's very spontaneous, i'm a little obsessed with his laugh/smile, and god he's so fucking smart i think it's insane. and sometimes when he's letting me infodump on him or we're just sitting together doing whatever i just get the urge to hug him or ask to cuddle and it's kind of ridiculous. I recently just got back from a fall break trip that he ended up backing out of and there was a day I was exploring the city by myself just kind of wishing he had been there with me.

issue is, aside from the obvious one, is that he is straight as hell

I'm out to him and he's very chill with it (not that I'd even be friends with him if I knew he wouldn't be), but god, what I don't really understand is how people deal with this. It's hard enough finding someone who likes you back even when your sexualities/genders DO align. i mean, it's not like things have gone perfectly with every girl i've been into up until now. And generally speaking, people are more likely to be straight than not, because... we are a minority lol. The argument often made by, say, homophobic parents of bi children is, just date women (or men, depending on who you are)! but you can't really help who you want, right? being bi in general isn't even a 50/50 split to begin with the same way all sexuality can be fluid, and it's very possible and even probable that i do lean more this way than the other (frankly it's not like i've dated enough to know). And i'm of course aware that things like dating apps and queer communities do exist, but it's not that easy to get over someone just like that, especially since i find it really difficult being into someone if I'm not already friends w them/know i get along w them well as a person first as opposed to seeking out this kind of connection on an app of some kind

so it's times like these where, as much as i've gotten out of the friendships i've made through queer communities (like on campus for example), being Not Straight just really sucks, not even necessarily because of homophobia (either from others/internalized) but simply because it's that much more miserable knowing that someone, even though they make you really happy, would never be able to view you that way, and sometimes i feel like it'd just be easier if i were straight the same way i wish i were taller, or my teeth were whiter, or other similar inconveniences that i can't change. i'll see other couples posting from trips they did together, or for national boyfriend day, or whatever, and it's just that feeling of one day, he'll be doing the same thing with someone he loves and i won't have any part to play in that, because i'll just be watching distantly online wishing it could've been me instead.

and of course it doesn't really help that i really struggle with making friends and am not socially perceptive at all and am often mentally hung up on small social interactions, him being no exception (quite the opposite actually, in general he shows slightly less emotion in conversation than the average person), so a lot of the time i'm stuck wondering whether he really even likes me as a friend at all or is just putting up with me for the sake of politeness.

Anyways. obviously this will pass (i think? regardless of the fact that it usually takes forever for me) but it still just fucking sucks and makes me wish i didn't have to deal with it at all

[last-flight-of-fancy]

YES!! this is probably the one major thing i didn't really cover in my little essay, and that's that light and dark are not moral opposites (and indeed, lack moral alignments in general). It's one of those things that probably deserves a deep dive essay all it's own, and is something that since this essay was written I have been VERY glad to see Dark Road touch on a litte bit (do i want more though? yes always. but im still glad to see it)

The other thing is ofc, Sora, and his rage form, which I belatedly realise I heavily implied to be vanitas at the end of this essay. which is.... neither correct nor incorrect really. more of an oversimplification that i really ought to expand on now that ive seen a few notes taking umbridge with the implication that i'm giving all of sora's darkness to vanitas (which isnt what i meant to imply at all oops. i thought i was being clever with the symbolism sorry)

while i'll freely admit that i do like the idea of vanitas having a role there, in forcibly protecting sora whether sora wants it or not(i'm a sucker for reluctant big brother vani what can i say), i don't beleive that's what actually happening in canon. tbh there are multiple possibilities for what's actually going on wrt rage form, and honestly i'd place bets on the answer being several of them simultaneously.

But yes, sora has been doing a lot of smiling, and a lot of hiding. At this point he's become something of a poster child of toxic positivity; some of it conscious ("i can take it" "ofc you can!" "dont say that!"), some of it subconscious (completely absolving riku/donald/goofy of any culpability from kh1 despite the way it clearly still hurts him, anyone?), and some of it has been buried so deep he doesn't even remember it (this boy has a tendency to just... forget incredibly traumatic memories. and that's *before* namine got involved).

All of this is... Well it ain't healthy for sure, and we've been seeing the buildup of this over the course of the series. A bottle like his is GOING to explode, and rage form is honestly just the cracks in the glass.

And to bring this alllll the way back round to vanitas (and funnily enough tie in with a slightly different essay i once wrote about vanitas and his narrative role); sora and vanitas are both opposites and contemporaries in ways i think could benefit them both.

Vanitas lashes out, Sora represses. Vanitas wants to remember, Sora tries to forget. Vanitas is constantly, painfully aware of the state he's in at all times, Sora pretends that nothing is wrong. Vanitas blames Ventus for everything, Sora blames Riku for nothing.

They both yearn for connection, they're both incredibly stubborn, they both have a desperate need to feel like they have a place in the universe.

see where i'm going with this?

and that's why i had that last image, not for rage form specifically but for sora. because yes i do beleive vanitas is still in the hotel (for reasons rooted pretty solidly in canon i think), and it just... fits too damn well imo. genuinely i do try not to set myself up for expectations when it comes to kh, bc as we all know this series is always more than ready to throw curve balls at us that make predicting specifics... difficult, at best, but theres attempting to predict specifics, and then theres 'well damn man, this is just what the story so far is telling me right now', yknow?

I still see the misconception that Vanitas is pure darkness and/or the Darkness from KHUX only sometimes, and that drives me a bit feral as your local Vanitas enthusiast, so for your conveniance I have compiled a handy list of evidence to the contrary. As always, there may be more factors we are not yet aware of, but I still feel confident in the assertion that Vanitas isn’t pure anything.

**Side note, I am fully aware of the fact that darkness is not inherently bad, but it is instead too much of light or dark that causes problems. This is not an ‘uwu i want my baby villain to be light because light is Good’ argument. This is a ‘hey this is kh and the characters are a lot more complicated and layered than some seem to think’ argument.

So. Let’s start with the beginning, shall we?

Well, kind of. We’ll get to khux in a bit. BBS first.

The initial light is easily written off as being Ven’s own light as the split takes place, however;

The light continues to rise, right into the ball of darkness that creates Vanitas. honestly I’d say right there makes it pretty indisputable that there is at least a small part of Vanitas at his very core is light.

(edit: as of the kh4 trailer it’s been pointed out that the way Vanitas uncurls and the way the Darksides uncurl as they appear is basically identical. i dont know what that means either in canon or wrt this essay but i do sure think its INTERESTING)

POV: you are ventus about three inches from death looking up at a severed piece of your own heart.

is it visual smybolism or is it Ven’s perspective being too-bright due to his own split related trauma? you decide. (both? both.)

But again, when Vanitas gives up (and yes, he just.. gives up, and it breaks my heart), he turns to light as he falls, just like Ven (who, tellingly, rises instead)

Vanitas’ fall also reveals Ven’s heart station, again by way of a circle of light. I still do not beleive that they completely re-integrated, but I do think it’s a very nice way of showing how they still need each other, despite their divergence.

(whether that need is healthy or not is a matter for debate)

To contrast this, I turn your attention to all the nobodies defeats, and most importantly of all imo, repliku’s.

(i do think it interesting to note how many of the nobodies have touches of gray light in their fading too, though some are more noticable than others. They’re all a little bit unique, which I like. i could definitely metaphor on main on these guys if i wanted to. except luxords. which is totally black? for some reason? hey luxord what is uuuuuup)

Anyway, repliku. who also fades with darkness, and a little bit of blue lights (which along with purples seem to often be like, darkness tangential, presumably for visual design/contrast reasons).

It’s important to note here that the GBA version came out in 2004, and the PS2 remake in 2007. BBS was released in 2010. There was visual precedent for a darkness based non-nobody character fading out of existence, and they tellingly did not use it.

Okay, so what about Xion then?

Xion is pretty solidly light based imo, which makes sense considering how strongly she is connected to Roxas (who is basically light incarnate going by kh3 lol) and sora (who is also pretty strongly connected to light), as well as memories of kairi (PoH) and riku (light cloaked in darkness).

and also there’s the whole ‘memories erased from existence’ thing. I can only assume that fucks with like… everything.

in kh3 we see repliku fade again, this time a mix of his current and past selves which… is a mix of light and dark.

So there’s plenty of examples of characters fading with darkness attached to them, which begs the question…. why not vanitas? The character we are told over and over again is only darkness?

As MoM told us, the truth is what we see, not what we hear.

Which means the answer is that he isn’t.

He’s definitely part darkness, that much is without question, even without the presence of KHUX’s darkness (which i’ll get to in a second), everybody has darkness in their hearts whether they like it or not, with the sole exception of the Princesses of Heart (and possibly ventus. maybe. given the conceit of this whole post though i’m willing to bet not as much as we’re told he is).

anyway. KHUX. let’s look at that shall we?

because i think this is where people get confused. Or simply assume that the previous lore is being retconned. while kh can and does occassionally retcon things, it rarely does so in a way that actively contradicts itself (sometimes it may look like it does, but eventually is shown to only be missing context that made it make sense)

So that being said, I don’t beleive any of my previous points are or have been retconned by khux.

We all know Darkness did a big old possession of Ventus and did a Bad Thing (murder) with him as a host- Ventus himself is a bit of a mystery here since its uh. kind of implied he was a Big Light even before this? and uses that to trap Darkness? kind of unclear. Ven still has some mysteries around him that could certainly turn things on their head again.

So here’s the thing about Darkness. It wants nothing, MoM says their thought processes are utterly foreign to people, it’s excellent at mind games and lying, and it mostly just seems to do things because it was foretold, no real personal connection to anything. From what we see of Darkness in khux, this appears to be more or less accurate. It didn’t care about OR hate anything about ven, or strelitzia, or anything around them; Ven said he wanted power, so the Darkness gave it to him (in the most Monkey Paw’d way possible).

Look at this, now back to Vanitas, now this, now back to Vanitas, he’s on a horse (yeehaw).

sorry

Doesn’t sound the same at all, does it? Vanitas definitely has a tendency to lie, but that has as much to do with how he’s been manipulated as with an actual concerted effort to do so. A little bit of mind games? sure, mostly with Ventus. Not sure I’d call him great at it or anything. But that’s kind of where the similarity ends, because Vanitas definitely wants things, and he has a lot of feelings- literally so many that his broken heart can’t contain them.

now of course I must mention that the novels are what I would classify as Canon-Lite, meaning that they do occassionally contradict the games, though usually in small, not terribly significant ways. That said however, Vanitas’ ENTIRE conceit through the entire novel is how much pain he is in. Constantly. I find it extremely unlikely that such a major part of the story would be discarded without acknowledgement- maybe in any other series, but not this one. Nomura has outright said that he assigned the writing of the novels to Tomoco because she understands the series in a way no one else does. I also find it unlikely the novels don’t pass through Nomura’s hands to review at some point either. This series is his baby after all.

You cannot read this and honestly tell me you don’t see a child in pain. I won’t beleive you. Xehanort tells him the only way to be free of his pain is to forge the X-blade with Ventus, and from there it all makes sense. Literally every single thing Vanitas does is with that goal in mind, to be free of his pain, and can you blame him? To be in that place, constantly taunted by Ven’s happiness and friendships, told there’s only one way out, constantly in pain and then further abused by your supposed Master on top of it… Is it any wonder a lot of people relate to the abuse/chronic illness vibes?

All of which to say none of that sounds like the Darkness of KHUX. Like… at all.

You know what does sound like the Darkness of KHUX?

This guy.

Now, Sora assumes this is Vanitas, and honestly to him this is a perfectly logical conclusion to come to. He’s in Ventus’ heart, which he knows to be connected to Vanitas, there’s a great big dark blotch there, and it says it’s Darkness, which is the last thing that Vanitas told them in the KBG (”What I am… is Darkness.”).

But here’s the thing.

He’s wrong.

Now I’m not going to pretend I did not also have a big “OH MY GOD IS THAT MY SON? IS THAT MY BOY?” moment when I first saw this scene. I very much did. But the more I think about it the more I’m certain that this is not Vanitas, but the OG khux Darkness, and if I haven’t been clear so far, I fully beleive Darkness and Vanitas are two completely seperate beings- ones who have certainly influenced each other, as is inevitable when you share a heart, but are not the same. To say they are I think would be the same as saying the same of Roxas and Sora, or Ventus and Roxas. Namine and Kairi. Xion and… well, a lot of people tbh XD. They are all strongly connected to each other, have influenced each others hearts in so many ways, but are not at all the same.

Honestly even Sora himself seems uncertain of his conclusion, saying Vanitas’ name as a question rather than a statement. It doesn’t really talk like Vanitas either, and the fact that the lines are conspicuously unvoiced (why create a mystery if the answer is as obvious as most people seem to think?) leads me to beleive Vanitas has no part in this interaction.

Which begs the question… Where is Vanitas? How much of his darkness is his own, Ventus’, Sora’s? How have things changed for him since he fell into Ven’s heart, which then fell into Sora’s? I don’t know for sure but…

I do think we’re going to find out.