#didn't someone a long while back write like a video essay

[goldensunset]

xion's theme is the perfect piece of music truly

[blond3ang3l]

🌷♡₊˚geek lover! eren🦢・₊✧

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This is a remake of the already geek lover eren, but specifically a sfw version but I actually really love this story

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Eren is a geek lover. He absolutely is enamored with you. Watching your lips with every word you spoke. The way you got excited telling him about every single new detail of the things you got interested in. Eren worked hard as a famous rnb singer, long days in the studio trying to perfect his songs. Then having to perform when he literally had the WORST anxiety known to man. It always felt like someone needed him and was on his ass about something.

But he did it all for you. So you can have everything your heart desired. He left nothing behind when it came to you. You wanted to see a new sci fi movie? He already bought out the theater. There’s a new podcast you like? He’s downloaded all the episodes for you on both yours and his phone. Don’t even get started on books. On your first date you mentioned you like to read and study psychology in your free time. Once you moved in he had your very own book room built for you. Carefully picking out each book for you on his own. Your own desk and room for you todo your writings in. He even surprised you with a laptop and camera so you can start your own podcast! He just wanted to show you how much he loved and supported you.

For moment like this were he could come home and listen to you tell him. About the things you've watched in your huge list of video essays that you had in a playlist on YouTube. How you lit up telling him different facts from how the dating game killer had a coworker that also happened to be a serial killer and he didn't know to the conspiracy theory of the 27 club, no matter what you said it always made you so happy and seeing you all giddy and stimming while you talked to him made him so content with his life.

"I know cotards syndrome, Koro, Diogenes, fregoli, hypochondria, pica, capgras, boanthropy, apotenmophilia, kulver bulcy, ekbom, erotomania, Stendhal. Pics is like one of the more well known. You know that show my strange addiction that we watch together? Yeah so like those people who eat the random shit like the lady who ate rocks- omg that reminds me!"

Erens ass was not listening one bit. He was watching you, watching your body. You guys had been apart for a little over a month so could do a very short tour in another country and he was sick as fuck that he couldn't bring you.

Everyone knew it too. His attitude fucking sucked that trip. He was antsy, his anxiety was through the roof, he snapped at everyone, overall he fucking hated it. But now, sitting here with you he finally felt at peace.

You were sitting on his lap, yapping his ear off.His eyes couldn't help but wander to your legs which lead him to notice you were wearing his boxers. Your hands thick thighs were filling them out so well. His hands moved to grip them as he watched you talk. You’d kill him later for not listening but he just felt so much dread when he was away from you that he couldn’t help but just stare at you forever.

“Rennie, papa are you okay? You’re getting all red. Are you feeling sick baby?”

You were worried, he had a bad history of getting sick easily. With him coming back from another country he could have likely caught something. It would hurt your heart to know he wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m fine baby. Keep going. I wanna hear you talk.”

“Are you sure baby? We can go lay down if you’d like.”

It warmed his heart how much you cared for him. You made him the man he was. He used to be so closed off to anyone that wasn’t your friends mikasa and armin. You taught him how to deal with the grief of life and got him therapy to get through the rough days of his depression. He just loved you so much and truly couldn’t imagine being anywhere without you.

“I’m fine baby, just missed you so much..”

For my girlie @merakidoll

[lnights]

Hey! As someone who's only kinda recently started getting into Blind Channel, can you "introduce" the band members to me/tell me any fun facts? 😊

It's okay if not, I just feel like it's so fun hearing it from other fans than trying to dig it out myself LOL

Welcome friend 🖤

You're about to get an essay 😂 anyone please add in, this isn't an all inclusive list of everything about them.

Let's start with Joel - vocals (and guitar depending on if you're going back to the first couple albums)

Joel is the oldest member of the band at 30, has ADHD, has dealt with insomnia, talked about being bullied in highschool, handles the band's social media, has a wine and has made a lot of references to dating his hand 😂

He is one half of the (t)error twins with Joonas, such named by the other members of the band for their chaos and having the same birthday, one year apart. He has said more than once that Joonas is his closest friend and they're found hanging out a lot outside of the band, they have been called an old married couple, always squabbling (but with a lot of obvious brotherly love)

Joonas - guitar

Second half of the (t)error twins, sings backing vocals, has been photographed with his dick out on more than once occasion, has a naked painting of himself, he's (sometimes questionably) a fashionista, and is known to have a rather sensitive digestive system.

Joel met Joonas in highschool after their own bands ended and became friends, eventually decided to form their own band, Joonas had already been in a band with Olli and their now tour manager Santeri, and previously in one with Tommi. Joonas, Olli, and Tommi are childhood friends prior to highschool.

Niko - vocals

Niko went to the same highschool as the other founding members, but hung out with a different crowd. Joonas, Olli, and (maybe) Tommi were at a house party, Linkin Park’s In The End came on, Niko rapped Mike's parts and Joonas invited him to join him for the band’s first practice the next day. Joel picked him up, even though they hadn't met.

He plays and teaches piano, writes most of the band's lyrics (though there is collaboration), has a kitty named Rommi, has a long term girlfriend, Joonas lived with them for a while. He has a large band symbol on his side with roses for each of the band members (minus Aleksi, but he does have a matching tattoo with him)

Tommi - drums

Papa bear himself! Lot of bear references with him, he has the nickname nalle (teddy bear in Finnish) from the band. He used to drive the band around when they were still in vans rather than tour buses and his job in the band is to “have final say”.

There's a single brain cell in this band, and most of the time it seems like Tommi has it, but every once in a while he's as dumb (affectionate) as the rest of them. He and Olli are the only two still in the band's hometown and as far as we know he is the only member of the band without tattoos. And he's a nurse!

Olli - bass

Called the most beautiful member of the band by his bandmates and known to eye-fuck any camera that happens to be focused on him.

Or if you happen to be watching them live 😳 it's intense.

He used to have gauges. There are several photos and videos of him and Joonas just holding hands 🖤 (lots of love in this band)

He can come off as a bit of an airhead, the biggest example of this is his poor bass Simba (rip) that he left on top of a van at a gas station, didn't realize until they had left and was far far down the road. He did eventually get it back but it was destroyed.

He designed their newest stage outfits and even sewed the patches on himself. He used to work at a hospital transporting patients.

Aleksi - DJ/percussion

Newest member of the band and only non-original member.

Had/has a solo DJ career and career as a producer as Alex Mattson, and accidentally ignored Joel in 2016 when he reached out to talk about a collab.

He ended up meeting Joel and Joonas at a Bring Me the Horizon concert in November of 2016 (where they also met Joonas (Johnny) Parkkonen) and they cleared up the accident and became friends.

He collaborated with them and help with song writing/production before he officially joined the band in 2020

Baby of the band and a menace. He got his first tattoo with a couple members there to hold his hand, I think it was Joel and Niko, Joonas went with him to get his band tattoo.

He grew up around the music scene (his dad is a booking agent) and was a drummer in a band as a kid. He has a little dachshund named Rilla

Joel, Joonas, Niko, and Aleksi all have the band's symbol tattooed on them. Joel's is in his arm, Joonas has it in his hand, Niko on his side, and Aleksi near his wrist.

[soundtechrapture]

Edgelords, Fetishes, and the Long Term Effects of Cringe Culture.

This is not at all the normal content I post here. This is a much larger vent / ramble than I normally do (it's practically an essay.)

This is a bit of a subjective outlook on this situation purely because I've only really had experience in the eproctophilia community, so I'll be using incidents from it, but I'm sure other fetish communities have gone through similar incidents. Cringe Culture may be pretty much dead, and the 2016 edgelord era is over, but the aftershocks and ramifications of it are still present. I don't know if people realize how fucking isolating it is to have a fetish like this. I never asked for any of this. Why are we such a target? Is it because we're into something that's seen as taboo? Is it because it's funny that people would be into something like this? There's an artist on Twitter I've been following for a while. By the time I went ahead and followed them, they had their account set to private. Earlier today, I checked my followed accounts on Twitter, so I could port them over to Bluesky, and found that I could finally see their content again. Empty, 0 posts, everything wiped without a trace. I know the actions of someone I barely know shouldn't affect me so much, but I can't stop thinking about it. Why? Were they exposed to a hate mob? Was it fear of that outcome? This isn't the first time this community has had a creator get attacked and ridiculed. Back in 2015ish, AnimatedJames got exposed for being into eproctophilia. Now, don't get me wrong, AnimatedJames wasn't exactly a saint. But people weren't attacking him for being a pedo or a rapist. They attacked him for something that was both harmless and out of his control. 2019 comes along, and a similar incident happened to JelloApocalypse but with little long-lasting effects, aside from the odd video here or there. But for something like that to happen now, in 2024, made me realize that cringe culture isn't dead, we've just developed coping mechanisms. Some examples of cringe culture still being around include Reddit, harbouring many cringe culture Subreddits and echo chambers. Cringe compilations appearing on YouTube. And the generally aggressive, hateful mobs that still roam through social media. I'm sure you've noticed how targeted these hate mobs have become, going from TV shows and media they didn't like, to subcultures and sexualities. I don't know what I hope to gain from writing all of this. A more pleasant future for everyone, perhaps? Or maybe I just want someone to listen for a second. A few months back, someone on this account had told me that expressing kink is a form of liberation, activism, self-expression, and normalization. And that by posting, I was making the world more beautiful, queer, and happy by expressing my interests. I guess what I'm hoping to accomplish here is to make the world a little more tolerant, a little nicer, a little bit more empathetic. Maybe some day I can link this account with my main without fear of ridicule. But that feels like wishful thinking right now. Maybe some day, though.

[juniusgirl]

I am, as a rule, Very Bad at video games. Didn't play them much growing up, game logic is something that does not come naturally to me, i often have a hard time remembering buttons and controlling both movement and camera simultaneously.

But i like games as like, an art form. I especially love watching essays about them, because then i can get all the sweet art analysis without having to frustrate myself. So of course i watch a lot of Jacob Geller videos. And a lot of the time i get just that out of them; all the analysis without having to deal with the frustration (i would not, for instance, be able to play returnal for a multitude of reasons, but i love the concept). Sometimes, however, he will talk about a game and i'll say "that actually sounds very interesting and doable to me", and given my forgetfulness, i will write down the name of the game or tell it to my husband and eventually i might play it, and given my forgetfulness, i won't usually remember any spoilers.

So i was excited, as usual, to watch the most recent Jacob Geller video. But quite quickly, it brought up a game i was actually planning on playing--Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice. I saw a trailer for it years ago, perhaps my husband even showed it to me to say "looks like your kinda thing" and i was like "it really does", and my husband bookmarked it and bought it when it was on sale, and it's been waiting for me. But i was scared to play it, because i am Very Bad at video games, and it looked so interesting, and i was worried i was going to ruin it for myself by being so disasterously bad at such basic tasks as walking and looking where i was going and getting frustrated and giving up and feeling like an idiot and a failure for letting something that's supposed to be fun defeat me because i'm stupid and and and.

But i started the Geller video, and the game was almost immediately mentioned, and i thought "actually i can't get spoiled for this one. I will actually remember this time because this one has actually been on my mind and i have actually wanted to play it for so long that i have to experience it in my own way before i have someone else's interpretation."

So i told my husband that i have to play it soon. And he waited a day or two for me to say i was ready. Then he decided i needed a nudge (i did), and set it up for me, sat me down, handed me the controller, and said good luck.

I made my way through the first bit. I handled everything better than i thought i would, only died three or four times (only one of those a non-combat idiocy issue) before he wandered back in to check up on me.

He sat and watched as i got to my first boss fight, and while i struggled a few times, i beat it around my fourth try, and he seemed genuinely impressed. Said by that fourth try he actually saw skill and timing instead of my usual panicked button-mashing.

I dunno how much of that was just hype-up or sincere pride, but either way it made me feel good. I have always been so bad at games, and most people i've tried to play with were merciless about my ineptitude, it's just so nice to have that encouragement for something challenging instead of being shamed. I think that might have been the first time i ever felt good about accomplishing something; the first time i ever did something i found really difficult and then was excited to keep going instead of just being relieved it was over. All because of a few positive words.

Idk what the point of this little anecdote was. Maybe i just wanted to document something positive that happened because life's been really, really shitty lately. But there might be a lesson in there somewhere.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 11 thoughts

okay!!!! i've kept you waiting long enough. now let's get into the things i liked about this episode while ignoring the stuff i didn't.

first. mulder walking into his office. and scully sitting there in the dark, watching a tape.

this had me HOWLING. how did she get in there? she keeps a key to his house and his office on hand at all times? the level of casualness with which he turned on the lights only for dana scully to be sitting in his office chair, as if it were the most natural of things in the world, floored me. she made herself welcome. she looks up and says hello.

then we get a little lore break to learn about the case and yeah yeah case stuff hold on. did she just say she got there at 6 am?

yes, you heard me correctly, she made her way into his office at 6 in the morning to watch the video and go through all of the related x files. i think i had tears in my eyes at this point and i definitely do now as i recount it. dana scully you are such a little weirdo and i love you so bad. i hope you enjoyed your time rummaging through his stuff. glad his space has really become yours as well.

and his entire lack of reaction to her being there pushed me even further over the edge. like, sure. at this point in their relationship, why not walk in to see her sitting at your desk and going through all your shit? the level of casual intimacy is at once so fucking funny and so heartwarming.

(a few weeks ago i was chatting with a friend about our top five favorite fictional characters, and i made the argument that scully and mulder ought to count as just one character for the sake of the ranking, because of how entirely they blend into one person. and her just being there when he opens the door- and having been there for hours at that point- really solidifies my reasoning. and i had made that argument BEFORE seeing any of s2, let alone this moment)

the next moment that had me laughing was when they went to the convalescent home (which wasn't a word i was familiar with before all of this) and our poor agents get stuck questioning a 74 year old man during his bath time. i already had a "oh noooo" feeling of dread about the whole situation- for how could the academy prepare them for this? and sure enough, he flashed them.

now, this was, like i mentioned in an earlier post, part of an attempt at social commentary that i could and might write an essay on- but let's set that aside here, and just deal with the fact that our poor agents have been put into such an awkward position, while understanding that the scene is being played for comedic value despite how awful that would be irl. because mulder smiles and says "thanks for sharing", while scully also bites back laughter. their faces at this moment had me laughing. it was such a "fuck my entire life" moment for both of them and i felt that extreme case of tv show-induced secondhand embarrassment.

and i think they handled it quite well!!! have we considered giving them a raise? for having to deal with all the haunted children and now creepy old men? god. their poor eyes. "thanks for sharing" stfu mulder... he cannot act seriously for ONE minute!!!!!!

there was another big ass coats moment when they walked outside and spoke with someone involved in running the program. and you know by now that's catnip to me!!!

one of the old men starts choking to death (he was taking mushroom pills he wasn't supposed to) and scully slips into Doctor Mode and it was deeply satisfying to watch. she starts saying fancy words and calling out for certain medications- "this man's in ventricular fibrillation, i need 75 milligrams of lidocaine and one amp of amphinephrine" and i'm sat there like yes. exactly right!!! she's doing serious doctor business!!!!

(i need to edit this image to make it appropriate for when her doctor mode takes over. because this is what i'm always referencing when i say someone is "shifting into ____ mode" and i don't think i've ever spelled that out before so i should here. have not seen seinfeld just saw this image one day and it permanently altered my vocabulary)

there's another moment where she's having a doctor-off with the dude who worked at the place and she said the line "the clinical benefits are marginal at best" and idk man i just like to see her doing her doctorly thing.

(she also gets very doctorly excited about the idea of there being improvements for incurable conditions such as alzheimer's and it's good to see some joy on her)

next thing that had me laughing:

"are you saying that the building's haunted? because if you are, i think you've been working with me for too long, scully" <- said in a flirtatious manner

don't remember what was going on at this point beyond someone had just fallen to death, but i wrote "another scully serving looks moment in the midst of tragedy" and i stand by it. this is really an epidemic. scully stop working angles in front of the dead... or don't because i'm not actually complaining <3

we also see mulder prowling down a dark and damp hall and cracking open a lock to break into a room. which seemed like a typical activity for a guy like him. literally just a tuesday in his life. he found a bunch of mushrooms and i made a frantic note reading along the lines of DO NOT TOUCH THEM because famously mushrooms WILL kill you but he seemed unharmed. thank god.

he's all, what if the mushrooms are what is helping the patients, and scully delivers this banger line: "mulder, mushrooms aren't medicine. they taste good on hamburgers, but they can't raise the dead"

which is 1. a hilarious fucking line just for its sheer ridiculousness, and 2. a critical insight into how scully orders her burgers... which i WILL be adding to my list of useless character facts

the episode winds down with mulder getting trapped in a room with rapidly rising water and we see the door SLAM right before scully can witness the ghosts tossing things about. and the commitment to that gag of her never actually seeing the paranormal stuff really got me there.

then, the door breaks due to the water, and everyone is soaking wet, which is always a good look.

overall, highlight of this episode to me was by far scully breaking into his office at 6 am. nothing will top that for me in terms of comedic value. it has become Her space now. she has claimed you mulder, there is no going back, you are in far too deep and thank god for that because you freaks deserve each other.

[guzsdaily]

Killing Demons

Day 34 - Dec 9th, 12.023

With a title like that, you're probably thinking that today's topic is something like: "killing your inner demons". But nop, I just don't have any good subject that I want to write today, so I will just talk about one of my favorite games that I played today.

GO FUCKING PLAY THIS GAME. I don't care if you like boomer shooters or first-person shooters, go play this fucking piece of art. This is simply one of the best, if not the best game I played in a long time. I not even good at it and a love it.

This game is still unfinished, but I think I never had so much fun with a game, the sound design, the graphics, the hidden lore, the soundtrack, oh my fucking god the soundtrack. I will try to be straight to the point and explain without giving spoilers, but just let me say, talking about this game in text, is not an easy task. However, let's just say that if this was a video essay, I would be screaming.

The Gameplay

I will just say this out of the gate: I'm not good at shooters, and even worse at fast-paced ones. I died a lot in this game, every single boss needed me at least 7 to 10 tries in this game, and the more difficult ones (I'm looking at you V2 and Gabriel) I lost count of how many tries I needed. But I think I never had so much satisfaction with a difficult game in my life.

This game is a boomer shooter, but not like your typical Doom, no no, this is Doom on fucking steroids. While games like Doom I would say it's just a walk and shot, I can't really say much because I never play it, but from what I seem it is somewhat to the ground. Well, let's just say that in this game, good luck being on the ground for more than 10 minutes without dying. Want to be in one place waiting for the enemies and being a tank? You will probably die instantly. I never played a game that makes me have to move and go around this much, while still needing to aim and kill enemies. I really wanted to have screenshots and videos for this entry, but unfortunately I didn't record any of my runs, but just fucking search it on YouTube or something, and you will know what I'm talking about.

And this isn't the best part. Again, I'm not good at this game, so unfortunately I can't really say that much. But the sheer amount of guns and attack combos you can do in this game is something which makes even my humble programmer mind blow up trying to figure out how much there's it. I think that the best way I can really tell about the combos is: you can toss a coin from your revolver, change to a laser canon, and shot that coin in the middle of the air to make the laser ricochet to the back of an enemy, killing it instantly most of the time. I almost am never able to shoot the coin, but when I do, the dopamine hits hard.

Also, the Enemies

I will not turn this entry into an entire essay, I already plan to do it on the future, but I just wanted to highlight the design of some of the enemies here, because as someone who likes design characters, they are an inspiration I would say.

This first fella has a flamethrower, and if you toss a coin behind him and hit it, the bullet will ricochet to its gas tank, blowing him up.

These two made my life be miserable... but also a lot happier.

Images taken from the ULTRAKILL's community wiki.

The Lore

I will pass this paragraph because I've to admit that I didn't yet dig deeper into the lore and didn't finish the game yet. However, just the fact that that angel is called "Gabriel, Judge of Hell" and "The Apostate of Hate", is already a win for me. Just want to say that this game seems to have a lot of secrets, because it has a lot of actual hidden levels and sections, but also a lot of secrets and history telling in his characters and world in general.

The Soundtrack [and Voice acting]

This is something which I need to talk about, because it was what made me actually dragged to play this game in the first place. The soundtrack of this game makes my blood flow faster, even more when you mix the voice acting, I wanted to be lying here, but I actually feel hotter and something when listening to it.

The best way to describe is showing, so just listen to it:

I can feel the hatred of Gabriel, and when the music kicks in, it just makes me scream in a sense. I'm not a violent person, I'm not someone who feels hate or any similar feeling. However, this song, makes me understand what hate means in a way. Also, I cannot stop thinking about fight scenes and characters in an epic battle fighting for their deaths when I listen to it. It's the last breath, it's this or nothing, I can't die now, I will not die now.

The album arts

Never in my life I would think that a cover art for an album/song would inspire me so much.

I would like to again be lying here, but these cover arts actually made me create an entire section of the fictional universe that I'm writing/creating for my art and characters. This duotone style and even more the blend between holy and tech/industrial is something which I personally never seen, and simply love.

An inspiration in the form of game

This is probably stretching too much, however ULTRAKILL is somewhat of an inspiration to me. One, this game is made by mostly one guy as its seem, and he was able to make such a game design that I have never seen in other games. Two, every media that I consume of

it makes me be somewhat inspired to create my world and characters, from music to art. Three, it made me remember what I love in games, which is see your progress and skills improving over time, challenge yourself, actually give focus to the game instead of having it together with a video in the background or something like it.

Yes, it can be "just another boomer shooter", but it actually made me enjoy games again as a hobby and made me feel a lot more inspired, even more now when I'm focusing on work and job, and almost forgot for my love in video games, art and even video making. I have to admit that I almost forget to play it sometimes unfortunately, because it is comforting just sit and watch videos all day, but playing this game again really made me remember to also focus and have fun doing things that I love and can improve upon. Even when what you're improving is how fast and stylish you can kill a demon in a virtual game.

So go fucking play this game! And remember:

Mankind is dead. Blood is fuel. Hell is full.

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Today's Artists & Creative Things

Game:ULTRAKILL - by Arsi "Hakita" Patala (published by New Blood Interactive) - Go play this game.

Album:Ultrakill: Imperfect Hatred (Original Game Soundtrack) - by Heaven Pierce Her (Hakita) - Go listen to this album (I personally prefer this act/soundtrack/album).

Song:The Death of God's Will - by Heaven Pierce Her (Hakita) - Go listen to this song (Personally prefer when it has the voice acting together, but even then it stills superb. Just the name of the song is already a piece on its own).

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Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello contact.guz013@gmail.com

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[autisticempathydaemon]

Have never done anything like this before but I wanted to participate because why not!

Hope I'm doing this right- this is for the RedactedAudio Match-up :)

1 - Ok so I have 2 song fixations, first one is "Used to the Darkness" by Des Rocs and the other is "Morning Coffee" by Chevy and Nalba

For Used to the Darkness the specific verse is the chorus, it's a bit long for tumblr but I'll give my reasoning. I've always loved this kind of rock because it reminds me of the 90s rebellion kind of era and this verse strikes me as 'society has forced me down by its standards and is leaving me in the dust because I've "made a mistake", but I'm going to fight because my life hasn't started yet and I'm too young to simply give up'. Every time I hear that chorus it gives me a second wind of sorts and reminds me to just keep going, to keep being stubborn and to keep being me unapologetically.

For Morning Coffee there is no specific line because I resonate with the whole song lol. I'm a very big coffee addict, like I need coffee or tea every day to make it feel right. The reason being is that it's a small comfort treat to help me feel better especially when some days just aren't the best and I need a pick me up to feel better, even if it's a little bit. I listen to this every morning on my commute and every afternoon on the way back home, it's such a big comfort song that I keep on repeat.

2 - 6! (subtype sp) 3 - I love a good video essay! My favourite ones are a bit niche but I especially love SovietWomble's essay about "The Forest" because it's a deep dive critique and explanation of what happens when lore is added to a game post-release and why it's so important to develop it as a whole rather than doing it in bits as it can be the difference of an amazing or completely underwhelming experience. As someone who writes for fun and loves to play games soley for the lore sometimes, I found it useful to develop and hone my skills in world-building and making my stories more coherent. Also because he did a face reveal at the end BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!

4 - Gosh I haven't talked about my imaginary friend in a bit, her face evades me but I remember she would always help me sleep or play with me when no one else did (so everyday basically). She always wore a yellow dress and had her hair up in pigtails. I never gave her a name because she never needed one, I just called her 'friend', I miss her

5 - Put on a redacted audio vid and fall asleep to that lmfao (usually a david vid)

6 - I honestly don't know what I'd change my name to, sometimes I just wish I didn't really have a name because my self identity fluctuates so much

7 - Favourite redacted audio, hm, tbh any of David's audios. I find myself always returning to one of his videos but I think I like his camping one the most, I cry every time but hearing the stories makes my heart so full and like I genuinely want to comfort him.

8 - Huxley maybe? I love his pairing with Damien but I've never really liked or gotten into his story much, might just be a me thing- but hey he's gay so that's fun

9 - RWBY! Specifically volumes 1-3 because they're so iconic, love the entire series though, I quote it a lot to myself.

10 - Guy, he's as much as a dumbass and gremlin as I am and I THRIVE off of the chaotic energy so much. Plus he can make me pizza while we hang out so that's fun!

11 - Memes, I will start quoting memes. Either that or "Which character would win in xyz situation? A or B?" 12 - 7-11 hot chocolate but instead of milk I put a latte in it

13 - Karu's "How To Train Your Dragon" orchestra cover playlist 14 - smutty audios... idk I just find it fun to scour for a good audio on reddit lmfao

15 - I'm very argumentative and will debate anyone on any topic (I've been a debater for years), but I'm also very much a people pleaser because I like to give people gifts and do acts of service. Uh- does a plushie addiction count as something that'll tell you who I am? I like dnd and Critical Role

Thank you!

Ooh, I love you; you gave me so much information to work with! There were a good amount of possibilities I was working with, but if you’re an argumentative Six, who else can I pair you with but Avior?

You’re both similar in a lot of ways- a love of debate, prone to Acts of Service, Type Sixes who are loyal, thoughtful, and reliable. It’s these similarities but also the differences that make me think you’d be compatible. Avior and his sarcastic, sharp nature would be good at keeping your people-pleasing chaos in check. Your love of storytelling and narratives would be new and so refreshing to him as he’s never put so much thought into fantasy and fiction. He learns to accept your gifts graciously because he wants you to be happy even though he’s not used to it.

Your life together would be so fun; you’d make his life so fun. Avior does not understand your plushie collection, but he tolerates it and comes to terms with their watching eyes every day because he loves you. He also doesn’t understand any of your memes either; he pretends he thinks they’re insipid and pointless, but he actually thinks they and you are cute and silly when you quote them. Also, you’re totally coffee/tea addicts together, and you’ve got the best stocked caffeine cupboards in all of Dahlia.

Song:

Just tea for two and two for tea/ Me for you and you for me alone/ Nobody near us/ To see us or hear us/ No friends or relations/ On weekend vacations/ We won't have it known, dear/ That we own a telephone (oh, I hate telephones) (yeah, me too)

I couldn’t help it; you gave me a coffee song, so I had to give you a tea song in return! I also like it for you, because it’s cute, it’s sweet, it’s singable. It’s not just about tea but love and being together, having tea side by side for the rest of your lives. It’s the kind of song you could sing at Avior, and he’d have to try really hard to not be charmed.

Runner-Ups:

If you’re a DnD fan, I’ve got to give you Lasko as a runner-up; my brain would not allow otherwise! The two of you could write together and be so cute. Asher is your other contender because you’re similar in a lot of ways that would be really fun but more in a platonic, best friend way than romantic like Avior.

note: thank you so much for waiting~! I hope you like your match-up!

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[annabelle--cane]

hii I saw your post abt not wanting sex and i was wondering if you had any tips for unlearning the feeling of needing to and feeling like the need to 'prove something'? hopefully this makes sense but anyway thank u for writing it, i felt really seen by it :')

that's a real bastard of a feeling to try and work through and I'm glad you could get something from my post, unlearning that stuff is an annoyingly long process and I hope it doesn't suck for you too much. I tried looking up tips for those feelings a few times when they were really hitting me a while back and didn't really find anything that felt right, so all advice I have is based on what I figured out for myself. (hello irls on this account, I'm gonna be a bit personal so if you see this no you didn't xoxo)

my experiences with this were greatly shaped by the fact that I realized I was ace while I was already a year into a relationship with an allo person (now 3 1/2 years into that relationship, hehe), and I think that made it both easier and harder. it was harder in that I had someone I really cared about right in front of me who I'd feel guilty about constantly rejecting, but it was easier in that, since I found the guts to explain everything to her, she's made sure to thank me for being honest every time I set a boundary or say no. but, obviously, "ask for support and reassurance from your partner" isn't something that's useful if you don't have a partner, so I have a few other things.

another thing that I found helpful was looking into asexual theory and nonfiction. blog posts, video essays, articles, books, etc. I'm a very academically inclined person so it may not appeal to everyone to try and look into, like, how asexuality influences contemporary feminist and disability theory on sexual politics, but I really appreciate seeing other aspec people talk about their identities and experiences as things with importance that add to the world. it helps to, sort of, normalize the concepts to me and provide reminders that there are other people out there having thoughts similar to mine, if that makes sense. a book rec I'd have for this is ace by angela chen (I have a few disagreements with one or two of its takes but overall it's very solid and provides a lot of good insights), and I haven't read these myself but I've seen the invisible orientation by julie sondra decker and refusing compulsory sexuality by sherronda j brown referenced a lot aspec lit circles.

I've also found it helpful to try and take a step back and figure out, socially speaking, where these impulses that sex is necessary come from. reading theory does a lot of this for me, but I also try and untangle it by myself. who does it benefit for me to feel like this? what social structures are reinforced through compulsory sexuality? historically, when did these beliefs start being pushed? if I can trace the idea back to root causes like structural misogyny or classism, I find it easier to reject; I know those things suck and were designed to hurt me so I don't want anything to do with them.

those are the main concrete things I can think of, but if anyone reading this has anything to add then feel free to reply/reblog

[omnifitense]

It began with the forging of the three-

I'll start again.

It began with BioShock Infinite.

Now obviously, it didn't all begin there. It's the third game in a series that itself is a spiritual successor to another series. But that's where we're starting our story. Or where I'm starting this one. Like most things that came out in the fucking early 2010s, it has not aged well. I'm not qualified to talk about the racism for reasons that would be blindingly obvious. Most people in this hellhole are too harsh on it, or harsh on it for what I consider the wrong reasons (hint: your internalized misogyny may be showing).

At the time, I really liked it. It 'woke me up' out of a sort of stupor I'd been in for a while. So I eagerly awaited the story-based DLCs.

They were dogshit. Or more accurately, the second one was dogshit and would be worth an entire essay on its own. In fairness it was made while the studio was being shut down because the lead "auteur" Len Kevine (not his real name) was taking his ball and going home in more ways than one. He started his own studio shortly thereafter, and is still working on the first game there almost ten years later because he's an indecisive both-sidesing hack who keeps getting distracted by the new craze in whatever video game he played last.

Anyway: they were dogshit. I decided to rewrite them. In Absentia was a meandering project that took me about two years, but it mostly holds up. While trying to get a handle on how to write the main character I did a search for 'omnichronal perception' or something along those lines, and ended up on the Power Listing wiki. One of the other listings on that page was for a set of contact lenses on the SCP wiki. That's a second rabbit hole right there, and one I spent many years thereafter browsing.

After In Absentia I started work on another project that didn't pan out for a variety of reasons. It and my time with the SCP wiki sort of came to a head with the release of SCP 3999, which is just monstrous and wonderful at the same time. Right from the quotation at the top of the page, which introduced me to yet another rabbit hole I'm still going down today*, and then finally closing out with (and I maintain this wasn't there when I first read it, though I'm not going back through the edit history to check) a triumphant rendition of 'Sunday (Finale)' from Sunday In The Park With George.

What is that third rabbit hole? Well, the SCP wiki has a neat little habit of cross-referencing other SCPs, whether by name or by some other aspect. Sometimes they're hyperlinked, sometimes they're not. The quotation I mentioned contains the phrase 'Eleven-Day Empire', which I took to be another SCP, so I googled it. Except...it wasn't. It directed me, of all things, to the Doctor Who wiki and explained that it was a reference to a Doctor Who spinoff I'd never heard of before, and with good reason. It's been described as 'Doctor Who without the Doctor', which isn't strictly accurate: there are a few Doctor-shaped holes in the texts, as people have noted. (Though for legal reasons, they aren't named.)

Maybe I've beaten around the bush long enough. It's Faction Paradox.

Toward the end of my attempt to write that project from before, I kept imagining someone standing outside the house where most of the narrative was taking place. Just watching. Then, in...I can't remember the year, or the month at this point, but I want to say it was either 2018 or 2019, I had a dream. I can only remember three things from it now: the Twelfth Doctor (who was only in it briefly), something about the TARDIS being a tree, and the phrase The New Omnifitense. The strangest part was, I'd skipped most of the Twelfth Doctor's run; not out of any moral stand or anything, I just missed one episode and even back then I knew that I'd be hopelessly lost next time around, so it sort of snowballed.

Each of those aspects I managed to work into Blood and Tears, in addition to the things from 3999. Blood and Tears is still close to my (pardon me for saying so) heart; it came out almost exactly the way I hoped it would, which is no mean feat given the scares I had in 2022.

If you somehow made it this far, thank you.

[dabihawksluvr]

.: Long Awaited 'Essay' On Trans People :.

I wanted to talk about this for awhile, but I never felt I had the time to. But, after remembering this topic after literal months (mostly because I saw the video on one of the people I'm gonna talk about here pop up in my Youtube feed again), I am going to be as clear and precise as I can with all of this. But keep in mind, this is just my opinion and I am in NO way trying to defend these people - it's simply an analysis on how the early 2000's created two monsters for very similar reasons. (If I ramble I'm sorry I am sick while writing this)

After re-watching the 'Ember McLain Guy' video again, it helped me realize something that I don't think a lot of people picked up on. In this specific case, the guy said he 'felt like a girl' and everyone else seemed to skip over that fact in the comments I saw. Not one person (besides me) brought up the point that the guy might've been trans, and I can kind of see why it was skipped over. But it's still a point I'm bringing up here, because I believe it's only part of the puzzle.

Another infamous case similar to this is Chris Chan, who has come out as trans (mtf). But again, this is only part of the puzzle. A person can be trans for their own reasons, but I bet that in a lot of cases (especially in the early 2000's) that a lot of these 'men' are actually trans - during that point in time, being trans wasn't as open or as talked about by the general public unless it was a 'joke' or to demean someone. Not only that, but the old 'predator' line was used a lot against the trans community even back then. So if a 'man' felt like he was in the wrong body at the time, they'd most likely bury it deep until it messed them up even more.

Of course, these two individuals I'm talking about here are still mentally unstable regardless of their identity. But it definitely feels like the fault of an era that they felt they couldn't get help before they pushed the limits and hurt others, if they could just have seen a therapist then maybe they'd be 'normal' (at least more than they ended up being). Not just to discover their identity and realize it's ok, but to also get help for their other issues as well (not going to diagnose either of them here as it'd be unfair).

And, sadly, I don't know if there was any other cases like this but it does seem that when a 'guy' would bring up they 'feel like a girl' no one ever thought that maybe they should seek therapy fot it. Even in the modern day, people glossed over that point when watching documentaries on these individuals and instead targeted them on other points (the fact they were loners living with their parents and on the internet a lot). Which is not really fair, maybe it's just me readng into it a bit too much but it really feels we are missing out on a good talking point for trans rights and how denying one's identity can lead to them making drastic decisions (not just mrder but also sucide and slf hrm).

It's a good point that further goes into why men feel they can't be open/emotional, and why women always feel attacked by those same men (I actually talked about this point with my brother last night after watching some Hunter Avallone so I'm bringing it up here). In truth, if the system didn't have these hard-wired things on gender then people like Chris Chan and the 'Ember McLain Guy' most likely would've gotten help long before they ever truly snapped. But even if they didn't get help, the option would still have been there for them to take. And that's the point - having the option for help, rather than having nothing and then society is to blame for these events.

tl;dr - The early 2000's was not kind to the trans community at all, and it led to two individuals who were born as 'men' to not get the help they needed out of fear but instead they went out and harmed others. Society sucks, humanity needs to do better.

[rezdragon]

2014 and My Writing

I just wrote about this in the script I'm working on, but I thought I'd go a little more in detail in a separate post. I've talked about this before on Twitter a few years back, but writing a script about it has put some fresh perspective into my head. Let me tell you about the time that I went from obsessively writing nearly every day, to not writing at all for three years.

I say that I have always been a storyteller, as growing up, I made tons of stories with the toys in my room and each day was like a new episode in the complicated plot of "The Beanie Babies On My Bed."

2006 is when I really started using a computer regularly, but it was 2007 when I wrote my first short story, which was like twelve pages long (which is long for a 12 year old). And from then on, I was hooked on writing. Every year or so, it seemed like I had some kind of new story going on. Not because I finished the previous ones mind you, I would just get bored of it, or the idea became too big and I couldn't finish it. Orintheous' first backstory was developed around this time (that's how old she is).

When I was introduced to Smash Machinima in 2008, it was a match made in heaven for me. A lot of the stuff I was writing was just loose video game fanfiction and now suddenly I could make that real? Sign me up, 13 year old me was PUMPED.

And so in between my school work, I would be writing up scripts and other various short stories for machinima. I still have dozens of scripts for projects that never got a voice. This absolutely affected my attention in class except for English. Thanks to my constant writing, I excelled at English, especially the writing assignments.

My high grades in English continued into my high school years (also where my deep depression started), and by 10th grade, I was completely BURIED in writing a novel with a fantasy setting (Note: Do not have your first novel be a fantasy setting). I filled up several notebooks with drafts of short stories, scenes, and scripts. And when I wasn't trapped at school, I'd pour hours into Microsoft Word, making more short stories, scripts, etc. I just loved writing.

One of my proudest moments was in my creative writing class. The teacher gave us the blank assignment of writing a short story, but it had to be under 5 pages. I, the obsessive writer, argued that 5 pages was too short, and told her I had a 12 page story for her. She told me that if that story sucked and wasn't written well, she would outright give me an F on the assignment for making it over 5 pages.

I got an A.

In that same class, we had to submit poetry to this American Poetics Society or something like that, and I wrote a poem in 20 minutes about how I hated summer. And not only did I get a A on that assignment, that poem got selected to be in that year's published book of young authors (a book I SADLY COULDN'T BUY).

I kinda fell out of writing by 2013 because of d e p r e s s i o n, but I still had a lot of pride in my writing. Once I got out of school (and machinima) I sadly didn't have much to write about anymore, but I still kept up on it with fanfiction.

And then we get to college.

So in 2014, I was forced to go to college for a number of reasons, but the bottom line is that I did not entirely choose to attend college. To make it worth my while, I went for a degree in Graphic Design. I took a few fine art classes too, and I did learn something from those that I still apply to my work today. And I also took English 1, under the guise that it would be an "easy class" for me to get out of the way early.

It was not. Suddenly, the writing that let me fly through high school English without a thought was getting C's and D's. Even long essays I had to write about books we read were failing. I also couldn't pass any of the tests; I couldn't understand what was happening. For the first time in my life I was failing English? Me? Someone who considered themselves a writer?! And don't think I didn't try. The professor I had wasn't an asshole, he was great, and he tried his best to help me pass the class, but something just did not click and I failed English 1. This was during an already rough time in my life, so I didn't take this failing very well. I stopped writing, just full stop. And I wouldn't write again for some time.

Fast forward to 2017, I'm watching all of my old machinima from back in the day, feeling a little sad that I never finished what I had started. I decide to jump back in (for various reasons), and I was planning on working on a previously failed machinima series, but then I made a joke video on April 24th of 2017...

This joke video was a machinima called "Orintheous Declares War On RyeDragon." It was a word for word remake of a video made by PMK94 when he declared war on me for switching my Smashsona to Lucario back in 2009. That original video spawned an entire video series where PMK and I went back and forth trying to one up each other like the children we were.

Well, this joke video, made 8 years after the original, woke PMK up from retirement, and he responded to the video with a machinima of his own. I was so thrown by this because I honestly did not expect this and I thought: "I have to follow this up with my own video."

And for the first time in 3 years, I wrote an original script, performed it, and published it to the world, that video being "Orintheous' Plan Begins." And once again, PMK and I went back and forth with each other, spawning the original Orintheous' Revenge.

The scripts for the original OR were the first bits of completely original writing I had done in 3 years. I mean it when I say I went from writing almost nonstop to not writing at all. I didn't write anything in those three years and I honestly feared I would never regain my love for writing. But a silly little series about recolored Charizards reignited my spark, and while it took awhile to make a flame, that flame exploded in 2021.

By 2021, I got my love of writing back in full force, and once again, it was thanks to Orintheous' Revenge. I spent the first half of 2021 working religiously on writing the plot and other elements for OR, just like I had done before for my fantasy novel. Orintheous' Revenge was merely the warmup though, preparing for the main event of 2021, which would be The Disaster Archives.

All of the writing I do for TDA today would not be possible had it not been for Orintheous' Revenge. College nearly killed the writer in me, but Orintheous, the god of life, brought it back. As I am currently writing a 46 page script about the events of 2021, three years after the fact, it honestly feels weird to me to even think about the fact that I went three years without writing anything. I'm back to being incredibly dedicated to it, just as much as I am to my art.

I have always been a storyteller, and I will tell my story, either with recolored Charizards or beanie babies on my bed. I'm not super vocal about calling myself a writer, but if you ask me, I will gladly tell you:

"Yes, I am a writer."

More specifically, I call myself a script writer, as I love writing dialogue. I don't think I could ever write a novel again haha.

[weaselbeaselpants]

So I'll be real with ya'll, one of the reasons I took a step back from the lily orchard tag was because basically all of the critical blogs liked something I absolutely didn't and because we're all survivors of some kind of irl ab*se, the talk of that "thing" got me really heated and made me spiral out a bit...and a little worried they'd seriously block me if I didn't 100% agree on this matter. I really don't think they would, though I'm still really nervous about admitting what 'fandom' take was going around that made me weirdly emotional. If Britt and Courtney ever learn of it and think I'm bad by proxy then it is what it is.

-BUT

none of that will ever cover for the fact that Lily Orchard is still a cp-writing bigoted creep who's ruined video essays and bullies everyone in her radius. None of that will ever cover for the fact that I'm still on team "Lily Orchard is a predator/bigot", even if I'm not homies w everybody else. Mostly, I just really REALLY want some form of justice served to Lily for what she's done and keeps doing.

Because of what she's been accused of (and I believe of her, now) I don't care if she ever makes any kind of "solid" point or even has a take I actually agree w her on. Lily is a vile woman. She is her own kind of vile woman for various reasons. I will never forgive her and the image of her is stained beyond repair, the same way Brad Jones and Iillumanaughtii will always be ruined for me.

Every single point Lily has made against anything or anyone else has been made first by someone better. Someone better spoken, better produced and better researched. Someone who cares about the topics they are discussing. In a sort of opposite to the topic this post started as, Lily's the kind of person who will make you hate your own take if she happens to validate it in anyway. Seeing her involvement and trying to talk about real injustices and abuses makes my blood kinda boil.

I once saw her rb a post from a blogger I follow and deeply respect (whom I also really don't want to get involved in this; that person's busy enough and doesn't need anything more to be mad at) about blood quantum in ndn spaces. OP's post is sobering and powerful and GOD do I not want Lily getting her stench all over this very important topic.

Sorry. I've been holding that in for, like, way too long there. I still try to avoid talking about this woman while just rbing other people's thoughts on her, because every part of her life revealed is more horrifying than the next and my now unemployed ass really shouldn't be exposing myself to this sitch that doesn't involve me but which I'm pissed that nothing seems to be done about. Please, oh please 2024,

get Lily Orchard off the internet.

John Henry's hammer couldn't fall fast enough for some people.

[soil-just-needs-water-to-be]

Chapter five

Word count :1885

Mention: vomit and sickness , medication and still light anxiety

If you’ve been reading so far, who’s everyone’s favourites so far , I love writing the interactions between Louis and the lads

(I don’t know if have the age gap right but in this I’ve written Lou to be around 7)

I finish up in the shower the heat in the bathroom from the shower was just genuinely irritating so I didn't stay in very long , I can say I probably smell and look a lot better than I did 20 minutes ago but I can't say I feel any better maybe even worse but hey we push on. I lay on my bed wrapped in my towel for about a half hour where I just sit and watch YouTube videos. While I was in the shower Jamie and Ross had sent messages asking where I was at lunch, so I replied to them both just saying I went home but not to worry I'm fine. I know they'll worry but its okay if I say I'm fine. I have an hour or so till work after my YouTube video finishes so I find an old GCSE paper for History and just try to work through that, It involves a lot of essay writing and answering really big questions, This particular paper is about historic medical practises and I can chat on about that all day, working on this really helps me calm down as it's something I know a lot about and can control what happens for a while , during the world crumbling and spiralling out of control around me. I time it too make sure Ill be able to do it correctly on the day, The general exam is an hour and a half long, so I try to complete it in an hour and fifteen minutes, so it gives me at least fifteen minutes to get ready for work and leave. I do well with it and complete it just in time. Now I must get ready for work I put on my skinny jeans and converse and the t shirt that I need to wear for work and pull my hoodie over the top. The journey takes about 10 minutes on my bike, so I jump on my bike and start heading to work. I also just realised my mum never came home so she must be working later .Work isn't too busy when I clock in so it wont be too bad but I head over to my manager and ask him if I can just do some stock taking out back as I'm only here for a few hours and my head is splitting but a lot of stock taking has already been done so I have to go out and just make coffees for people which I was really hoping to avoid but hey ho. I clock in and start working. Its not all the busy all that comes in is a few school kids as its 3:30 and school has just finished. I'm in for about twenty minutes when I hear Ross and Jamie come in loud as ever "MATTY" I hear them calling from the door and I wave them over they come bounding over and sit on the stalls at the front coffee bar and I slide over to them "Hey guys."

"Hiya mate, can we get two lattes."

"You sure can" I busy myself with making their coffees. Hoping to God, they don't ask me why I went home early but I know they will. Once I hand them over, they both drop their bags next to them and get comfortable "So why'd you go home early."

"Just didn't feel great, you know how it is "I shrug trying to be nonchalant about it.

"Miss Conners came to speak to us at lunch asking us to keep an eye on you, do we have to be concerned" Ross speaks up.

"No bro honestly, I'm fine, I wish everyone would stop asking me."

I move over to the other end of the bar and serve an older looking women who has been waiting a couple of minutes just to get away from the guys for a second "Hello Miss , what can I get for you?" she ponders for a minute about what she would like "Can I just get a cappuccino please young man"

"Of course, you can, if you'd like to go sit down, Ill bring it over to you once I've finished it, Is that okay." I watch her walk off and make her cappuccino ,my hands are shaking again. These damn shakes need to stop. I locate her table and slowly make my way over trying not to spill it everywhere.

"You're a little shaky there Darling." Of course, someone would notice. I place the mug on the table in front of her "I'm just a little cold is all." I plaster on a smile and lets her know if she needs anything else all she must do is ask.

I make my way back to Jamie and Ross and try to tune into there conversation "I'm sorry guys I swear I'm not trying to be moody with you guys, I'm just tired and its so noisy in here, everything is buzzy." It's not that loud but the noises of all the machine and the few conversations everything is buzzing and it's a lot. "Mate its alright we get it."

There isn't all the much to do on my shift it's not that busy, so I spend a lot of it cleaning up and just talking to Jamie and Ross having them around is helping. Were just talking about the next football game that's on the television in a few days, then about the demo were setting up for Mr Hardy. The shift goes a lot quicker than I thought it would.

Once I've finished another round of nausea flies through me but I really try to ignore it but by the time I make it outside with the guys a few strides in front of me the chill in the air makes it too much for me to deal with and I end up throwing up on the pavement next to me. The guys must have heard me retching and came over to me. I feel Ross' hand on my back, and he starts rubbing it "Mate, we really need to get you home ay." I lean into Ross as he starts walking me back. "Jamie, can you take my bike."

"Sure, thing mate." Jamie jumps onto my bike and rides slowly next to us we don't speak much because they know if they ask ill just blow my top. It doesn't feel like it takes to long to get back to my place, I can tell everyone is home now because all the cars are in the driveway, I ask Jamie just to leave my bike leaning against the fence as he leaves Ross and I to it.

Ross helps me inside "Hiya Denise can you come get Matty." Before I have time to protest my mum is at my side while Ross tries to get me to the couch "Matthew are you okay sweetheart" I can see the worry in my mother's face and I don't want her and my dad to have to cancel there plans "Yeh Mum I'm alight I just feel a little off that's all but Ross is here to help me look after Lou so its alright". I can see her about to protest what I've said, "Mum honestly its fine, has Lou eaten, I can just get him straight to bed if he has"?

"Yes, love he has."

"That's alright then you and dad can get to your thing and ill get him to bed."

She looks at me again and looks between Ross and me. I just nod for extra confidence "Please Mum, I'm fine."

"Alright sweetheart" she looks over to Ross properly now who is standing awkwardly at the end of the couch "look after him alright and if he gets any worse, please phone me."

"I will Denise don't worry."

My parents left not long after then Lou came tumbling down the stairs "Maffu, guess what I did at school today". He stopped dead at the door "ROSSEY"

"Hey kiddo , how you been". He goes bounding over to Ross and flings his arms around him and kisses his cheek. "I've been good Rossey are you looking after me too wif Maffu."

"I sure am Kiddo, Matty needs a little bit of help tonight, he's not feeling very well tonight." Louis waves at me sat on the couch. "What's wrong Maffu?." I look up at them both and smile "Just got a poorly tummy Kiddo that's all."

He jumps down from Ross' hold and comes to sit on my lap and plays with my hair "I can make you better Maffu, you just have to have some medicine, Mummy always gives me medicine when I'm sick." I'm smiling at him holding closely. "You know what Kiddo, your absolutely right, Go show Rossey where Mummy keeps it." He jumps back off my lap and takes Ross through to the kitchen. I lay back on the couch pulling my phone out again and I see have a few texts from George just checking in asking if I'm okay, and if I need anything.

I message him back "Sorry for being so distant this afternoon everything got a little bit hectic , I was working and I had a bit of an episode I'm now with my mate looking after my little brother"

He replies back straight away "You don't need to apologise I just wanted to make sure your okay, an episode ?"

"Just a bout of sickness again, Hey I know this is out of the blue but I feel like it might help ,and you can say no but would you like to facetime tonight when my mate goes home "

"You know what if that's what's going to help then I'd sure love too"

"Thank you"

Just then Ross and Louie come back into the room, Ross sitting next to me and Louie sitting right back on my lap where he previously was and continues playing with my hair. Ross hands me the medicine and I place it on the table in front of me.

"Maffu , You got to have it silly." I smile down at him and ruffle his hair "I'll have some when you go to bed because it makes grownups sleepy, and I have to look after you little one". We stick on the tv and put on the kids' channel for him. Horrid Henry and he cuddles up close to me and I hold him tightly as I know hell fall asleep quite fast.

I was right about 5 minutes into the second episode he falls asleep right on my lap, and I whisper over to Ross "Can you take him up for me I have no strength to carry him right now." He takes Louie in his arms and heads to his room "Make sure you take that yeh." he motions to the medicine. I do and I lay back down on the couch waiting for Ross to come back so I can tell him I'm going to get an early night and that I'll see him tomorrow. He comes back five minutes later, and I tell him just that and he's fully all right with that he gives me a hug goodbye and hopes I get better.

[asweetprologue]

reader interpretation vs authorial intent

so there's a post i've wanted to write for a while now, and some of the reactions to this post I made on communion imagery in OFMD has finally spurred me into doing it. this is also going to be kind of long because i'm incapable of writing a short piece of meta

several people on the communion post made comments or left notes in the tags saying things like "hmm this would be really interesting if it was intentional!" or "good argument, not sure if I believe it's on purpose or not but this is cool." These comments are completely fine - and valid! - but they made me think about something that I've seen a lot from fandoms in the past, which I'd like to challenge.

authorial intent is not the foundation of textual meaning

I don't want to do a deep dive into "death of the author" here, so I'll just say: if you're interested in the concept of authorial intent versus reader interpretation as the basis of finding "ultimate meaning" in text, go read Robert Barthes' Death of the Author (it's only 6 pages), or watch this video essay about it. many people much smarter than me have made criticisms of Barthes' complete dismissal of authorial intent, but I think the concepts he presents are foundational for what I'm arguing here.

when we approach a piece and begin to unpack its symbolic, metaphorical, and subtextual meaning, we're not just looking for elements that the creators intended for us to find. Barthes' isn't completely right, of course; authorial intent does matter, and uncovering which parts of the text were intentional versus not can explain a lot about the work and how it lands. this intent does not, however, mean that the subtextual meaning we discover through analysis is "wrong" if the author didn't mean to put it there.

and I'm not just talking about the concept of "all interpretation of a text is valid." because first of all, it's not. if you read Lolita and you come away with the message that pedophilia can be romantic (which MANY people essentially do) then you've misunderstood the entire point of that book. that's a misinterpretation. there can, however, be valid interpretation of a text that goes beyond what the author intended, because writers are subject to the same subconscious interpretations of media that readers are. they are constantly, constantly, constantly borrowing and taking inspiration from other symbolic moments in our media and our lives.

let's go back to the communion metaphor for a second. my argument in that post was that instances of people eating or drinking throughout OFMD is symbolic of the relationships formed in those scenes. when people aren't getting along, they don't eat or drink, even when they're actively holding food or glasses. when they are getting along, or making commitments to each other, they tend to drink and eat directly on screen. now, this may have been fully intentional, or maybe not. maybe it was intentional in some scenes, and not others. But let's take a moment to unpack what "eating together" means in western society, and then come back to this point.

when we see people eating together (from the perspective of a modern western culturally christian lens) these things come to mind: family; home; companionship; trust; alliance; kinship; communion; spirituality; sex; fertility; transition; consumption; power; hospitality - and more that I'm probably just not thinking of.

which of these concepts come to mind is dependent on the context, but seeing people eating within a story will bring some of these elements to mind no matter how the author originally intended the scene to come across. It doesn't matter if the author knew their scene of a family sitting around the dinner table was going to evoke feelings of family and kinship; it does that anyways when readers watch the scene unfold, and the author probably put it there because they also have a subconscious association between family and eating a meal.

we are extremely sensitive to metaphor in our stories. we know that when someone sits at your table and they refuse to eat, they are refusing an offer of hospitality, which in turn means they can do violence against you. the concept of "sacred hospitality" is ingrained in us, and we know that if two characters eat or drink together, it's unlikely that they will betray one another. sometimes authors will specifically use this to catch readers off guard; the Red Wedding in game of thrones is a great example of this, in which a character violates these rules of breaking bread and enacts violence on their guests. we are so affronted by this because it is in violation of one of our most deeply held beliefs: if you eat with someone, they are your friend.

so let's bring it back to OFMD and the meaning of food in that show. it is very possible that david jenkins and his editing team had absolutely no intention of making food a meaningful way to explore relationship dynamics in their show. I would guess that some scenes, especially those taking place at a dinner table, are fully intentional, and that stede's intimate scenes of taking tea and eating bread with ed are meant to directly mirror the scenes with him sitting at hostile tables with his family and with the English. maybe when david told the actors to act aggressive through the meals, the actors automatically avoided eating, because on some level they too know the sacred rule: don't dine with thine enemies.

but even if it was ALL unintentional, that doesn't make the interpretation of those moments incorrect. because to someone watching the show, that's the impact they have. we know the scene with badminton will end badly, because the soldiers refuse to eat or drink. we know ed is falling in love with stede, because he accepts his tea. we know that Olu and Jim will end up together, because olu eats the cake that jim's nana makes while they all sit at the dinner table. it doesn't matter what the author intended, because the subtextual meaning is still there for anyone with the cultural background to read it. authorial intention still matters, and there's a lot we can learn about a piece of media by investigating what parts of it come from inherent beliefs, biases, and subconscious urges. but it's important to remember that all stories are a conglomeration of stories that came before them, and even when we borrow elements of past tales without intent, they're still borrowed. and it's still valid for readers to recognize their origins. the meaning you find in a text is always relevant, even if the author didn't know they put it there.

and honestly I think that's kind of beautiful, that we can speak to each other unintentionally; that our stories can communicate such depth without either the author or the reader consciously knowing why it hits so hard. these stories and interpretations are in us, and we're incapable of setting them aside. an author doesn't have to tell us explicitly that a group of people sitting down at a table to eat together means something; we know, we know that they're family.

[littleoddwriter]

Why exactly is RPF bad?

Hi there! So, I could kinda write an essay about that. And while I am all for "let people do what they gotta do as long as it doesn't hurt somebody", RPF could potentially hurt someone. Thus, I don't really appreciate it, but I just scroll past it. Whatever makes others happy. But the general consensus (to my knowledge) is that it's not a good thing to do, albeit very common. You see, there's this whole thing of a public person being, well, a public person. Does that mean we're entitled to invade their privacy, though? No, we're not. And RPF is - to me and others - a form of invasion of privacy. I mean, to make it as simple as possible, I ask you: How would you feel if complete strangers wrote explicitly sexual and/or romantic stories about you (and maybe even send them to you in rare cases)? Personally, I'd be hella uncomfortable and quite a number of people who are subjects of those fics are indeed uncomfortable with them. So, you know, I just feel ashamed of myself for contributing to that back in the day. I pretty much stopped once they actually said that they didn't like it (in general, in a Q&A video, not directed at me). Some didn't mind and read them for fun and laughed over the absurdity, but some did feel bad. I stopped altogether, then. I never wanted to make anyone feel bad, after all. Even if they may have never read my fics (I certainly wouldn't know), I still felt guilty. And again, do what you want, I'm not gonna stop you and others probably aren't either, but personally I just don't think RPF is a good thing. ^^" Take care of yourself! <3