#didn’t mean to talk abt school LMAO not like anyone I know irl likes my art

[kerosnes]

philler post

[sanchoyo]

Looks like you’re gonna have to gush some more cuz I meant in general uwu🌸

🌺😌🤟 Always happy to! Okay here’s just some General bnha Thoughts ™ Mostly Lov centric. You asked for them, and you said GUSH about them, so here’s. A Lot! :)

This isn’t a lov one but it’s really funny so I thought I’d put it out there:

-when bnha was first gaining traction on tumblr, it was all art of Tsuyu. I have no idea why. People were talking about the funky frog lesbian superhero anime. Maybe it was just the people I was following, maybe it was a general trend, but I LOVED her design!!! my fav color and frogs r super cute!!! And I already loved superhero media, so I was like. I’ll watch it. For Her. SO. FROPPY IS THE REASON I WATCHED/READ BNHA. I went in thinking she was the protag and I was sooo confused when Izuku was... tbh I still think it’d be more interesting if she was lmaooo aus where? ...seriously if anyone has good aus where this is the case send them LOL

-I don’t actually feel that bad abt what Shigaraki’s doing. I still feel bad for him. I’m this post. yes im an apologist. its not my fault hes sexy and has been running around shirtless. hes a lesbian icon like thor is. I want to touch his hair. hes never done anything wrong in his life. he could kill all might, deku, bakugo, whatever, I’d still be sayin this. I don’t feel bad for gt. like. was anyone genuinely attached to him? lmao

-well u know how spinner’s quirk is just sticking to things? We haven’t seen him use it in canon except like, (1) time iirc?? I think this is probably bc he’s embarrassed about it even in front of the league... I loooove the idea that he gets more comfortable with it around them :”) and also how shigaraki. um. does that falling asleep thing while standing up with his eyes open, canonly? (which I still love lmfao) Imagine someone in the league walking in a dark room, turning on the light n just seeing. Spinner upside down, stuck to the ceiling asleep bc heat rises and its Warmer Up There. (cold blooded thing like tsuyu?? come ON give him a big fuzzy coat and scarf...) and Shigaraki in the center of the room, slouched but still standing, eyes open and motionless. Theyre both sleeping. Whomever sees it just...slowly walks out. LMAO

-Toga roller derby au. No deep thoughts I just think she’d be good at it. 

-Toga 100% is a social butterfly and could befriend anyone if they didn’t just judge the fact she was trying to stab them smh :/ (ok but seriously anytime I see cute friendships with her n the other kids im like :) aw. I feel like her and Camie...would be good friends. Camie feels chill enough to be like ‘ok whatever thats totally fine I forgive you!!’ LMAO we love airheads here)

-HOW DID TOGA GET SO GOOD AT FIGHTING? We know she’s been on the run since middle school or so, but good enough to pin Deku down after he’s been formally trained at a ~hero school~ for a while? (she pinned him TWICE I think, once when his arms were messed up, but, the other time as Camie, so? AND THEN WAS ONE OF THE 100 PEOPLE TO GO THRU TO THE 2ND ROUND OF THAT? even tho she didn’t bc she had to leave) good enough to beat Aizawa in a fight and stab him? A professional hero and teacher for YEARS? Is that seriously just street training??? Can people acknowledge how amazing her combat skills and reflexes are??? More Toga appreciation when?? Also her backstory??? SO subversive and incredible, hate when people reduce her to just a ~typical anime yandere~ :/

-Tomura doing stuff with his hands/fingers to train his quirk!!! And to learn to be careful with it!! obv I’m a Big Fan of him playing piano to do this and video games are prob the canon answer, but like, guitar or any stringed instrument that requires Hands would work too. Or knitting/sewing? EMBROIDERING? ??? Please, let me give you the mental image of him knitting aggressively while mentally scheming, watching a twitch streamer or smth too while doing it. (Doing stuff with your hands is a great way to let your mind come up with creative stuff, that’s how I come up with writing/drawing ideas 70% of the time)

-Tomura actually PREFERS cutesty, relaxing games. I mean, he does fighting and bloody stuff irl, games are a way to relax...he’ll play shooters and gta type games with The Lads, but. on his own?? animal crossing. pokemon. kirby games. mario. zelda. BIG ZELDA FAN (not saying this bc I, personally, am biased, but,) slime rancher, stardew valley, funny simulator games... he really enjoys those :”) God forbid he has a kid bc they’re 100% getting named after a viddy game character unless someone can talk him out of it LOL. Toga and Tomura are that animal crossing /doom meme where she’d be asking for doom and him asking for animal crossing :”)

-Bits and pieces of Before are kinda stuck in Kurogiri’s brain, but like. mostly useless stuff the doctor didn’t care about removing. Like, types of clouds. So Tomura kinda picks up on stuff like that. He can just look at clouds and tell you what type they are because Kurogiri used to take him up to high places in the city and point them out to calm Tomura down from a panic attack when he was younger. He can tell you if the sky looks like it’ll rain with a 80% accuracy rate too. 

-Kurogiri left food out for kitties in the alley beside the bar. They weren’t allowed in for Health Reasons (it IS a bar with sanitation standards!!) And Tomura really wouldn’t stop it or encourage it either way so long as Kurogiri did his job, but occasionally would stand outside with Kurogiri and just watch the kitties from a distance. If any approached he’d go back in (lowkey afraid he’d hurt them by touching them :( ) They kinda kept that between them tho, bc they both Know AFO is a big bag of dicks and no fun

-people have pointed out how similar aizawa and tomura look. this was 100% the intention. tomura has a hatecrush on him. THIS IS SO FUNNY AND HORRIBLY AWKWARD FOR KUROGIRI LMAO

-Sako??? Mr. Dramatic?? Opera fan. Drama kid. Like, obviously, but. Really. He is. I feel like he can speak a dozen languages. I also feel like he used to be an overachiever but got too ambitious. He was def some kind of leader at one point of a diff Group or something that fell apart. I LOVE how creative he is with his quirk and the magician theme??? incredible. I don’t show him enough love but I Love Clowns :o)

-I don’t care what their canon heights are. Spinner and Dabi? short kings. My height hcs are (tallest to shortest) Kurogiri, Twice, Sako (who also has heels on his boots and a tall hat, keep in mind), Tomura, Magne (Tomura and Magne are about the same height imo) Toga, Spinner, Dabi. LISTEN. Dabi has short energy. Sorry. it’s true tho

-This is a semi-popular hc I think bc I KNOW I’ve seen it before, but Dabi having Terrible Vision and needing glasses is so so good. (seriously, with burns THAT close to his eyeballs, how could he not?) 

-he tries to be a tough loner coolguy. you’d think he’d smoke, but I hc his ‘weak constitution’ comes with weak lungs (esp from years of a flame quirk?? inhaling smoke over so much time is SO bad for you, most people who die in fires actually die of smoke inhalation...) so he’s got like, an inhaler, can’t smoke, actually gets carsick, needs glasses, overuses quirk to save friends constantly, likes napping, a little awkward and rude. Tomura put him in charge of the vanguard so he’s smart, and good with strategies too, like a nerd. this is the Dabi I wanna see, not the popular fandom version of him tbh also step on hawks one more time sir :”)

-I wish all the lov fics weren’t?? villain!deku like I said earlier, but also, chatfics? I have nothing against them but most of them are just a bombardment of Memes with NO PLOT!!! Listen. text/chatfics CAN have plot and be an interesting way to tell a story. I almost want to write one just to show what I mean...

I know I’ve said I like spinaraki and blackmagic, but I am a multishipper, so a few ships I don’t talk about that I like that involve the lov in some way:

-toga/any of the 1A girls??? or Camie??? super interesting. ALSO in the radio drama, bakugo’s voice actor said Toga was his favorite girl??? so?? bakugo/toga ?? I WANT TO SEE IT. but specifically my fav dynamic with her is when someone ELSE is the one to like her first, it’s what she deserves.

-Kurogiri/aizawa/mic?? any variety of that is also 👌🏻 I also kinda wanna see kurogiri/all might bc. Dads. COME ON. they bond over ‘well, I raised him, and you want to have a part in his life now?? ok. earn it. prove it. I’ll screen you first’ or something LMAO they’re both genuinely concerned for the boy, and SOOO biased. let them bond.

-WAIT WHERE IS THE MIC/COMPRESS CONTENT. THEYRE BOTH DRAMATIC. ENEMIES TO LOVERS?? HELLO??? SOMEONE?? ANYONE. rarepair hours

-giran/twice is cute. like he was hyping him up so much and so ready to go save him...

-dabi/magne where is the content. when. why not everywhere??? I’ve also seen magne/compress which was cute!! or twice/magne? they’re the big sibs of the lov...

-dabi/spinner?? come ON dabi could get over his learned biases and spend time with him and they could hold hands. I want them to.

-dabihawks. Obviously bc the Drama. yes even still, don’t @ me. (also, shigahawks, seen some REAL interesting fics with it tbh) or spinahawks?? adding hawks to a ship is like adding extra chili powder. makes it SPICY dramatic)

-nine/tomura don’t @ me once again. both kinda afo’s playthings, nine obviously was the test for tomura’s new upgrades...they both love their friends...That Scene in the Flower field </3 hmmm tragicships are fun.

-tomura/mirko. more enemies to lovers. big fan of her and bunnies. remember when he wore bunny ears in bnha smash. (ok its crack but. CUTE.) 

-I’ve also seen shiganatsu and shigafuyu and I’m like. these are cute, but also Dabi’s reaction always makes me cry laugh. so good.

-MOST EVERYONE IN THE LOV IS LGBTQA+!!! heres my personal headcanons:

Toga: pan or bi (CANON BASICALLY)

Magne: transwoman (CANON BABEY) bi, leans towards men. (her crush on dabi in bnha smash... uwu content where)

Shuichi: gets sooooo flustered canonly, I think he’d go for the first person Who Hit On Him (I can see him being the target of those mean pranks where someone says ‘my friend likes you!!’ and the friend is like ‘eww!!’ :(((( ) he’s super hesitant for romance, lots of repressed stuff. gay but takes sooo long to realize it bc he thinks most women are conventionally pretty Aesthethically, feels obligated to Like Them, but has bad self esteem so never goes after them, then only likes (1) guy so hes like?? is this allowed?? is this allowed???? (HES LIKE. IN LOVE WITH SHIGARAKI)

Dabi: bi but rly hasn’t ever gotten to date anyone, so he’s actually more reserved about it and while he’ll tease, he absolutely is absent and kinda oblivious (again, I KNOWWWW bnha smash isnt canon, but. my god. when magne is hitting on him and he Just Doesnt Understand.) also hes ace

Tomura: doesn’t care. (just prob says ‘its whatever’) trans/nonbinary (i’M NOT PROJECTING, BUT. :’/) probably goes with like, the label queer if any but doesn’t care much for labels

Kurogiri: bi??? kind of??? I say kind of bc well, I hc U Know Whom as bi, I feel like thatd carry over but he’d be really avoidant to date anyone bc hes gotta Watch His Kid u know? this is gonna sound surprising but I think he’d be the type to be like ‘ok we can have a one night stand/fling BUT it cant get personal bc I have a Job to Do for my Son so don’t get up in your feelings’ and act a little coldly at first or very ..not personable... depending on who it was he’d prob turn around eventually, esp if that person valued his feelings/job :”)

Sako: that mans Not Straight. I hc him as gay and also trans :3c

Twice: Bi and HAS dated prob more than anyone else in the league imo, super comfortable with his sexuality and supportive of everyone else’s :)

ok that’s about all I can think of atm, come back in 5 minutes and my brain will refill with lov headcanons :3 thank you for asking!!

[maiverie]

HAVDHAHSJ YESS 😭 my mum is one of the biggest instigators when she decides it’s time we drink together,, she’ll just look at me when i walk into the kitchen and put me a glass and slide it over “here have just one” then she’ll just keep refilling my glass LMAO

we try to convince my dad to join us sometimes but he just refuses 🥲💔 we managed to get him to play a drinking game w us and the rest of my family at christmas tho so that was fun !!

MAI THATS KIND OF SCARY 😭 i don’t think i could imagine my dad glaring at me cause i jokingly said i’d drink his beer,, i feel kind of bad for u 💔 i mean last time i joked abt it he just gave me the rest of it w/o even hesitating i was like 🧍🏽‍♀️oh i was joking but thanks??

YESS !! i actually have a lot of irl k-pop friends which i wasn’t expecting?? i was just in school and me and two of my closest friends doing out we all liked k-pop and had just never told each other 😭 and then i met an engene friend the week after she’s in my HSC set and then i met two more in my psychology set and another one in my sociology set

OMG I UNDERSTAND HIW U FEEL,, i’m literally like okay but if they find my tumblr then wtf 💔 + my sister too cause she also likes enhypen 🥲 i think my sister is the most likely to find my tumblr out of anyone bc she knows the other alias thag i go by which is acc kind of scary for me

NAURRRR WTFFFF 😭😭😭😭 that’s so so cute though, like you guys have such a cute relo and i love to see it ☹️☹️ the first time i drank around my family (just siblings and cousins hehe) i was super duper nervous JSJFKEJKDKS

OMG ABDHHDHSA MY DAD’S JUST LIKE THAT ISTG 😭😭 he’s fr such a hypocrite tho bc he ltrly drinks sm 😐😐but BAHDHJS DON’T FEEL BAD i fr think it’s funny ;-;

OMG PLEASEEEEE THATS SAUR CUTE?!?! 😭😭 i had a lot of kpop friends growing up but when i moved schools, i didn’t anymore 😭 i probably have just the one feiend rn that regularly talk about kpop to 😳😳 and oh my god HAHHSHAHSA I LITERALLY AM SO SO FRIGHTENED OF SOMEONE IRL FINDING MY FANFIC??? but at the same time i also feel like i’ve reached a point where i’m like mehhhh HSJDKS IDK IM CONFLICTED 😭😭 part of me cares and another part of me really doesn’t 😭 but omg i’m so glad u have ur besties u talk to kpop w,,,, like i see some people do like comeback parties/sleepovers?? WHICH?? ARE?? SO?? CUTEEE???? i want that ☹️☹️☹️

[leesungjongg]

school 2013 reviewww

spoilers i guess

Go Nam Soon: honestly i didn’t know what to think about you when i first saw you? like you were quiet but still knew that hey, bullying a kid bc of his stuttering and stuff was not cool so u stood up for him, and im really grateful for that. when i found out that Heungsoo was not on good terms with u i was like ?? wait what did u do that was possibly so wrong? first u were beaten up then he was beaten up and then i was like oh now it makes sense. not so much in this review but oh well. u ruined his chances of becoming a football star and that’s really sad but that scene where he told u you should’ve been with him when he lost his chance at being a soccer player... that was really important and i get that you must’ve been ashamed like “how could i face him after doing that to him?” but wow so many emotions

Park Heung Soo: when you first came in honestly i was like great another  bully. but you were quiet and you didn’t want to stir up trouble, except go nam soon kept doing things for you without u asking and then everyone was like oh if nam soon’s doing things for him without even saying a word then?? he is a bully??? and you were wrongly portrayed at the bully (when we all know it was actually Oh Jung Ho like wow y’all forgot about him so easily) but im glad you repaired your friendship and you told him that you wished he was there with you.

Overall, I really liked their friendship and honestly I wish there were more dramas focused on friendships rather than love triangles because ultimately, your friends will be there for you if/when you have trouble with romantic relationships and stuff??? idk. i just really kept watching this because of the friendship between nam soon and heungsoo. and also the bully trio, including oh jung ho, Lee Yi Kyung, and Lee Ji Hoon.

Jihoon - ur awesome. glad u took the first step and decided to focus on ur studies instead of brushing things off and pretending to be “”””cool”””” and not doing anything. u worked hard to get into that program, even when the professors told you that it was going to be difficult. you should be proud of yourself for putting in that effort. (also fun fact: Jihoon is the name of my first OC i made while writing? he debuted in one of my fanfics lol but it’s not this jihoon. that fanfic is called Cupid’s Curse)

Yikyung - ur name was v confusing and i didnt know it for the longest time until i read it as ‘yi kyung’ on the subtitles. sorry abt that. anyways, ur very cute too but hey, go with your friend jihoon and study, it’s more important in the long run. im glad you tried to get your friend Oh Jung Ho back to school - you didn’t give up on him, not even ONCE. even when he was being cold to you guys, you were still like hey, still, you have to come to school. you even bought back jungho’s mother’s ring that she gave to him like that is dedication and maximum friendship.

Yikyung and Jihoon... y’all were really good friends. Jungho.. idk if he really truly realized how good of friends you two were to him because he just said that he can’t return the favor to them or whatever, but honestly, they still stuck by you in your worst times Jungho. I’m really sad that he dropped out of high school, and what was really disheartening was when one of the friends said that he wanted all three of them to graduate together. That made my heart sink a bit.

Kim Min Ki - T__________________T you suffered a lot, i really don’t like moms like that, those moms who push their kids to do better and stuff like that? kids need time to have fun and relax too, and also?? seeing your mom pretty much ruin everything for you sucks. she got upset over you getting one “””bad””” grade and tried to fire the teacher like who does that? pretty much anyone with a lot of money -_- it’s funny bc it happens irl too lmao. but Min Ki :( i am so glad you took a deep breath and that your teacher called your mom about you thinking of committing suicide - she definitely needed to know that and i think losing another child would honestly make her live with regrets for the rest of her life. thank you for taking that deep breath and talking it out with someone. im glad things worked out for you in the end and you decided to go into film-making in college. best of luck to you.

Gil Eun Hye: i hate u. ur a snob. learn how to be a human first, grades and school come second.

Jeon Soojin: 1 u are very soft-hearted. and very pretty. i remember seeing you in another drama with the actor who played Yikyung but i cant remember? maybe it wasn’t that but i def remember u. im disappointed in ur friend who spent more time with her phone than you and wouldn’t listen to you. and then when she went back to a flip phone, she was like ‘hey come talk to me next time ok???’ and i was like dude soojin literally TRIED talking to you and you deadass ignored her for a dumbass game, get out of here. but honestly i’ve done that before too so rip

Teacher Jung: thank you for never giving up on your students. at first i was like sigh why does she sound like ?? idk? like some kids just didn’t want to study so it’s like that’s their fault and stuff but she eventually won all their hearts and i was like :’)))) like dude she even won mine. because of this one scene where she talked to Min ki. I was so grateful for that. also i think she should’ve been a counselor instead of a teacher because her role suited that a bit more tbh

Teacher Kang: dang sometimes u were brutal... not sometimes but often times... like did u not have a heart? were u never a student? dang.. but anyways that moment when u told Teacher Jung not to leave bc she was the teacher he always aspired to be was like MINDBLOWING like i didnt even think you had the capacity to talk about your feelings but that was nice of  u. glad u didn’t decide to leave.

Overall, i really kept watching because I wanted to see what happened between nam soon and heungsoo, but min ki was also a special bean to me, i liked him bc he just wanted peace and that’s what i want too. anyways, school 2013 was nice, despite it being an old drama. there were some really poignant scenes idek what poignant even means but i feel like it’s suitable. idek if suitable is even a word but i make up words all the time so its ok I LIKED IT OK that’s all thank u bye. 10/10 go watch for friendship and no love triangles

[channiekyun]

slip-up//bts//namjoon

pairing: kim namjoon/reader genres: fluff, drabble, bullet point list, high school au! word count: 1302 summary: namjoon+dancing+partner assignment=what a/n: i got a good response from ‘assigned’ so this came out of my mind. also, this ended to be longer than expected

you had this dance class you had as an extra thing you could put on your college resume

bc, obvs ppl really like dancers so lol why not ??

ok maybe you weren’t just the best at dancing

and maybe this was all just an excuse to not make a fool of yourself at your older brother’s wedding

you didn’t really know anyone in your class

you were practically a loner

everyone was a loner actually

of course, you have friends irl tho

but yoongi chose debate as an extra and jimin decided to just do some type of community service

jimin was the one who told you to take dance

you can’t believe you actually took his advice

because now you’re looking at your grade and it’s like OH SHIT-

actually wasn’t that bad

and that’s only bc you lowered your standards, a C wasn’t bad, not anymore

ok, back to the story, last assignment of the semester was a partner assignment

you had to do formal dancing together and basically not screw up

screw up, you fail

again, y’all a bunch of loners so y’all screwed

so when the teacher was calling out partner names you were shaking

you ended up with a ‘kim namjoon’???

who is he

well you certainly don’t know

the class was over and you were putting your items in your bag when you saw someone out their hand where your shoe bag was

you look up to see that boi/a very tall tree

and he’s tall so it was all just weird tbh

‘here you go’

you took your shoe bag out of his hands and narrowed your eyes

attractive dude, but who is he

‘we never met, have we?’

‘i’m afraid we haven’t yet.’

‘well hello, i’m kim namjoon.’

‘oh, so you’re my project partner, i’m (f/n) by the way. is there any specific time you want to practice.’

yeah i know the dialogue lacks comedy but just you wait

so basically you schedule plans over some tea at the popular cafe across the dance building

everything was nice

he was just a big meme just like everyone else 

and you even got a free cake 

the reason being was the person working thought you were dating

she legit just placed it on the table and said ‘here you go’

and you’re both srsly confused and have this silent eye convo with each other like ‘wth, we didn’t order this, but we’ll still take it lol’

‘it’s on the house guys’

‘but why’

‘oh, are you guys not dating, it looks like it’

*cue tea spit*

‘wait wHat DID YOU JuST SAY. We ar-’

‘we are dating, thank you, you can leave now’

you two ended up eating the heart shaped cake anyway in silence regardless of how you got it

you were pretty much infatuated with him

the way he gazed off when the conversation died off was somehow enchanting

also, the way he came up with the weirdest subjects to talk abt

like srsly

how to survive shark attacks, philosophy, sodoku, seagulls, the big bang theory, martin luther, ducks-ok u name it

this man was interesting

and interesting men are hot cute

i can’t stop laughing lmao

anyway, you fell hard fast

so when you got his number before you parted ways you internally fist pumped

anyway, you realized he was very clumsy

i mean, he’s very lanky so.?

you tried to do the waltz and somehow he drove you into a table

ow

everything that could’ve gone wrong, went wrong

now you were actually scared for your grade

that didn’t mean you didn’t stop falling for this man

you changing certain things to make things go smoother

‘okay, so i think when we do the 4th turn your foot should go like this’

‘(y/n), i have no f-ing idea what you’re talking about but show me again’

him trying to make his own revisions and comments

‘i actually think that we should turn this way bc-’

‘namjoon, i know you don’t know what you’re saying’

‘dammit, you’re right’

earlier the day of the presentation, you both went out for coffee

shaking off the bad vibes

and he said the most inspirational thing while you were just looking out the window, watching the snow fall

‘whenever i think of snow falling i think of stars falling. but let’s not fall today, let’s rise into the new world like stars and do our best, right (y/n)?’

and you don’t know how to respond cause that was deep

‘fighting?’

‘fighting.’

so when you hopped into the dance studio you were sweating

and you realized the tension was in the air

also, you realized that the dance teacher decided to be extra and invite an audience and get people to help her grade

like, oh man holy shit

actual ppl

and even your friends were here

like wtaf how

when you were called up, you shook his hand

the music started 

it truly was oddly magical

you looked so graceful and effortless, a perfect combination

then guess what?

HE STEPPED ON YOUR FOOT

out of the corner of your eye, you saw your teacher’s eyebrow raise

you panicked

but you managed to cover it up

you gave namjoon that stare

and started making your own tweaks to the choreography

you dipped namjoon and spun him, and he was supposed to do that

so it was a very interesting moment for the both of you

it didn’t matter, you soon ended smoothly-

-with you hugging him from behind

BUT I SAID THAT DIDN’T MATTER

you were so fidgety after but you stayed for the final results

when they were posted on the board you pushed everyone out of the way

ft. a poor dragged namjoon

guysguysguysuysguysguysguys

YOU DIDN’T FAIL

you got an A+

and a comment that reversed gender roles halfway through the performance was interesting and such a new concept for some reason wth

you were jumping everywhere

you both decided to go get dinner with your new accomplishment

and by dinner, i mean the most expensive meat ever just bc

there were so many appearances of his dimples when he smiled like holy fuck

my heart

is weak

dinner went obviously nice

and when the night was settling

you asked

‘hey, since we got an A+ on our partner project, do you want to be my +1 to my brother’s wedding?’

he just blinked

‘is this your way of asking me out’

‘no, it’s my way of asking you to be my +1′

‘sure (y/n), anytime’

your relationship was still going strong after that

hanging out at his apartment trying to put a puzzle together at 3am

‘(y/n) i love you but where is the missing puzzle piece’

‘i love you to namjoon, but maybe if you didn’t try to put the puzzle together on the toilet we wouldn’t have to ask this question’

‘ok, i love you, but you should stfu rn’

manjoon™

and on the day of your bro's wedding

your bro and your boy hit it off

‘namjoon, this is my brother, jackson. jackson, this is my boyfriend, namjoon.’

he gave the disapproving brother look

but they still hit it off well

i hope the bride did not feel as left out as you did

jk

at the reception, you hit the dance floor

this time nobody stepped on any feet

but ofc there were the moments of swapping roles

and everything was just

‘swell’

and that was your type of love

[raindrop-rouge]

How well do you know your best friend?

Original post here. Answer these questions about your bff, your tumblr bff, or just anyone you want to show a lot of appreciation on here to!!!!

I was tagged by @chiruchill and will answer the questions about her (and tagging her back!!!). Tagging @shulkie @milleandra-nebula @crying-abt-fictional-people , uh chiru also tagged @glassesgirl0401 and @gray-x-natsus-matching-hip-scars  but it didn’t seem to work? idk guys feel free to spread the love but also feel free to ignore!!! (I HIGHLY recommend getting the questions from the original post, I rambled for MILES in every single question you don’t wanna read the below trust me)

1. What is your best friend’s dream job, and why? Man, idk that you’ve ever blabbed about something specific, like I know you’d love to run a café with me, or a library with your mom, or any kind if small store like that... Obviously I know you were ready to invest a lot of time and effort into teaching too... Any job that would give you enough time and self management to allow you to spend time with your dogs really ahaha

2. What is their biggest pet peeve, and why do you think that is? The main one is people being 1)  messy and 2) loud. A few weeks ago I would have just said “well you’re considerate and wish they could be too”, but I said I’d be brutally honest about this and girl... I read something a little while ago and I am genuinely worried your hyperawareness of everyone around you stems from something more specific, but we can talk about it whenever

3. What is their favourite TV series (live action)? LMAO GO AWAY I GET THE MESSAGE I will watch Arrested Development asap

4. What is their favourite TV series (animated)? Ahaha you’ve recommended a lot of quality comedies to me over the years, do you have an ultimate fave though? I know there was that group of school girls comedy gdi I watched it but forget the name >< welp

5. What does your best friend value most in life, and why? (Do you think they value most what they say they do, or something else?) Holy shit ok this goes right back to a thing the guys were talking about earlier. I’m gonna say your dogs, like you do say you do :p If we’re talking values in people/ ways of life... What the guys brought up was that you say you only want a simple life with just what we need, but... well, I guess we all know none of us have ANY idea what a minimal life is like, so I’d say what you mean by that is, you do value the life standard we currently have, where we never have to worry about a solid roof over our heads, food, and enough money left to support your pets. So yeah, my answer is 1) your dogs, and 2) the kinda life where we can support them x)

6. How would you describe their style, and how would they describe it? Colorful (but that’s how us French see all Scandinavians tbh), comfortable, like effortless but still cute? You’d probably agree it’s colorful but then say it’s not “stylish” though XD I think you just really like cute things but muuuuch prefer comfort first

7. If you were to decorate a room for your best friend, what would it look like, and why? !!!!! Aaahhh I’m a shit decorator with no taste, but I’d keep it minimal cause that’s how you feel best! A massive bed for you and your dogs, maybe nice tall lights you can reach from the bed but light the room well... A bookshelf... A pretty big desk... I’d want to add lots of plants and pillows, but idk if you’d want that clutter :/ Colors would be white beige and either pastel green or pastel pink.

8. What do you think their best quality is? You know how during a mario kart race you can see the names shuffle on the side as players cut in front or fall behind, that’s what your qualities are doing in my head now... You’re patient, so strong and independent (which I admire endlessly), generous, smart, but I guess what really sets you apart from me is your specific sense of humor and just wit in general??? idk how to explain, it’s not just that you make me laugh, it’s everything you say, I know only you would come up with that at that moment. It’s a big part of what makes me so excited when I’m around you, and a big part of why I miss you so badly when I’m not.

9. What does your best friend think their best quality is? Would they agree with you? Yee you think you’re funny and you’re right :p  Unless now you think your patience is your top quality given how much you’ve put up with lately

10. What is your best friend’s favourite book (or book series)? The Hobbit

11. What do you have in common with your best friend? LMAO our shitty sense of humor... Omg what else though :o we’re really different... maybe how difficult we are when it comes to really letting people in? idk please answer this one better than me

12. How did you meet, and what was your first impression of your best friend? First day of uni!!!! I was lost and confused, she had papers and was alone and therefore less intimidating, I asked her where she got the documents from... And once I got them, I think sheeee was the one to offer we sit next to each other while I was munching on my apple ahaha. I missed the next meeting, but after that she saw me at the bus stop, and offered to wait for the bus with me??? Kindest thing anyone had ever done for me at that point in my life, so yeah... How far we’ve come :’) Very first impression though... “she looks reasonable enough to talk to... Oh she’s nice... Yay she’s really nice!!!” ahaha

13. What does your best friend spend their free time doing, and why do you think they choose to do what they do? Reading, petting the dogs, watching stuff, gaming... It’s escapism isn’t it babe :’) Anything that’s relaxing and distracts you from whatever is happening irl

14. Who is their favourite fictional character, and why? Luigi cause he wears green lmao and cause he’s like the “second” brother and therefore deserves more love

15. What’s the first thing you tell other people when you talk about your best friend? “So Chiru - she’s my best friend and you’ll be hearing about her every day -” ACTUAL LINE SERVED TO ALL MY CO-WORKERS. And then I tend to say we lived together for 2 years, and that I miss you a lot

16. What’s your favourite story about them? Is there a single fave...How we met, how we came to do our groceries together and suddenly became unseparable, MY SURPRISE BDAY x2, coming to cheer for me at cheer, casually inviting me to your home, Nice (omg you reading Scandinavia and the world to me!!), our Japan travels, everything, right up to getting your last dog, is a highlight in my life

17. What’s your least favourite story about them? :))) fuck if I am telling that on here. Oh shit I said I’d be honest. Look... I think sometimes you forget I’m pretty insecure and basically any minor (or... you know... not so minor) event that makes me think maybe you’ll leave me behind after all is just like. uhm. “least favorite stories” is a mild way to explain how I feel about those times

18. Why do you think you two ended up becoming best friends? My dudes I wonder a lot. I know it’s so much more than just living together, if anything that makes most people hate each other. It’s shared values, willingness to make balanced efforts for each other, an endless stream of ideas for fun coming from both sides, similar interests... I don’t know, but Chiru I am just so grateful everyday I did find you

19. Would you be honest with your best friend if they were happy doing something, but you think it might end up harming them in the end? Ouch. Ok well... The truth is sometimes I doooo worry, but I’m so convinced you know what you’re doing so much better than I do, that no, I tend to trust whatever you say, if you’re convinced (/telling me you’re convinced) that what you’re doing isn’t harming you, I’ll believe you. At least, that’s what I tell myself... A part me of does worry, though, that I just don’t speak up because you’ll already have all the arguments ready and we’ll just unnecessarily argue about it, and I’ll end up hurt, and yes exactly it’s as bad as it sounds, I’m worried I wouldn’t want to fight you over your happiness in case it would result in hurt feelings. I’m a mess, this is terrible and I gotta work on that

20. Does your best friend play any instruments? Why do you think they chose that instrument? BISH SAYS SHE CAN SORTA PLAY THE GUITAR AND PIANO BUT HAS SHE PLAYED FOR ME YET, I THINK NOT. I am unappreciated, where is my serenade (jk jk, I realy doooo wanna hear you play though!!)

21. Do you and your best friend have a dream for the future, if so, what is it? Move in with me please it’s the one thing that keeps me going

22. What is one thing you have always wanted to tell your best friend, but never have? :)))) ((((: *digs through a million letter drafts and hell, fic drafts, we all know where my inspiration comes from anyway* Sigh... Well first of all I need you to know you’re the most beautiful and kind soul I have ever encountered. Please get that through your head. Secondly... I don’t think I’d have EVER brought this up, but that’s what the question is aiming for, isn’t it... You probably only held my hand in Barcelona because I was so black-out wasted you were worried I wouldn’t follow you home otherwise, but it made me sort of ridiculously happy, and I guess I wouldn’t mind if it happened again

23. What do you think your best friend’s life will be like 10 years from now? What I’m thinking or wishful thinking hah... Thinking, well... deep breath, you’ll be alright :) You’ll have a comfortable home somewhere you like, with a job that suits you. You’re too stubborn to settle for any less. Your dogs are with you, of course. And so is whoever will be lucky enough to be chosen by you. You can guess based on that what the wishful thinking is

24. What song makes you think of your best friend? IT’S 4:18 AM AND HONESTLY THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM (anything from Just Dance tbh XD) BUT I CHOOSE THIS GEM (45:21) because fukkit it’s cold as heeeeck in my room right now and I’m only listening to this kind of music

25. Just to end on a mean note, what’s your best friend’s worst personality trait? (Be honest now, guys, none of that “they’re just too kind” bullshit) Worst? You wanna hear something crazy... Well you know I miss you, I always do and have been for so long now, but once I thought maybe if I listed everything that maybe weren’t the beeesst parts of your personality, and all the parts of my personality that probably annoyed you, I’d force myself to accept that maybe it’d be best for us to stop living together... And gdi I tried. But it’s just a really ridiculous list ... or at least it was, until that one night... Remember when one of my friends took my phone and texted you quite extensively, and that went really really badly? Well here’s the moment of truth: (hey it’s 4:25 now and I was out) I had broken down sobbing after you compared me to your dogs again :’) Look, sober me can rationally process your way of thinking. But... I guess deep down, we’re not the same, I want to be loved and appreciated like a human being. I’m genuinely sorry I couldn’t bring myself to tell you this sooner, idk what I was so scared of. So, uh, “worst” personality trait (which really isn’t one but)... omg I can’t even phrase this without turning it against myself ahaha, like it’s my own fault for telling you that everything was fine when it wasn’t. So look this isn’t even about your worst personality trait, I guess it’s me realizing I gotta stop lying about crap, and I hope you’ll be considerate and understanding like always :’) 

[chanxyeollie]

70 questions, tagged by @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x thx bby

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? uhhh... well me & my mom generally have a good time, she acts more sisterly if that makes sense?? but me and my dad butt heads A LOT and do not get along very often.

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? see i’m pretty uncomfortable physically saying the words but like probably my cat or something lol.

3. do you regret anything? um YES let’s see off the top of my head: dying my hair red in the sixth grade, putting waaaay too much cheese on the pizza i had the other day, and being such a shitty student this year haha.

4. are you insecure? yES. i mean i have this rule that everyone who knows me in irl knows. like no one is allowed to take pictures of me. or share pictures of me. if they want a picture i have to take it or i have to direct them. there are years of pictures of my growth or w/e missing and it pisses my parents tf off lol.

5. what’s your relationship status? single as the day i exited the womb

6. how do you want to die? preferably when i’m asleep i mean??? like i don’t wanna feel anything so...

7. what did you last eat? pork? and then right after whipped cream from a can because that’s who i am as a person.

8. played any sports? hahahahahah fun fact i don’t play sports because i have really weak ankles - i’ve sprained both of them twice!

9. do you bite your nails? ugh yes... i had three years where i didn’t but now i do. :/ i’m trying to break the habit by carrying an unlimited amount of nail files with me. i miss having long nails SO MUCH.

10. when was your last physical fight? two nights ago, my mom came home after work at like midnight and hid behind a wall to scare me, which resulted in a ninja-like slap from me.

11. do you like someone? the beauty of being socially awkward and anxious and being in a uni where you don’t have to talk to anyone means there is no one to get to know and crush on. nice. :-)

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? no, i’ve stayed up for 37 but that was the longest and i was... pretty wacked out by then but that’s a story for another time.

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? if i do i’ve blocked them from my mind i??? can’t think of anyone at this particular moment, probably just fictional characters.

14. do you miss someone? i’m gonna say this really adorable cat named toby that i saw at a petsmart like a year ago. i hope he found a good home.

15. have any pets?
 three cats! boris, pepper, and widget.

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment?
 um a little bit numb because i’m sitting on my foot but otherwise neutral.

17. ever made out in the bathroom? no

18. are you scared of spiders?
 yeah the story of the first time i stayed up for a full 24 hours relates to a spider. also when i was very little i had a night terror where i had materialized a tarantula the size of me on top of me in my bed and well. that scarred me for life yanno?

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? fuckin yeah i’d tell myself not to confess to that one guy. embarrassing

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? never lol

21. what are your plans for this weekend?
 crying before i start work on monday. i really don’t wanna go back, fuck.

22. do you want to have kids? how many? yeah! i already made a pact with myself that if i’m still single when im in my thirties i will adopt some kids. 

23. do you have piercings? how many? just my ears~

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? um well once it was english but NOT ANYMORE LOL

25. do you miss anyone from your past?
 no, i don’t think so.

26. what are you craving right now?
 surprisingly more of the pork i had earlier even tho i didn’t really like it lol??

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart?
 no

28. have you ever been cheated on?
 no, kinda have to have had a boyfriend for that to happen

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
 no

30. what’s irritating you right now? the exam i have tomorrow. i should have withdrawn from that class i’m gonna have two F’s on my transcript wails

31. does somebody love you? my youngest cat. i am her mom.

32. what is your favourite color? black, pink in your area

33. do you have trust issues? yes but at the same time no

34. who/what was your last dream about? omg k let me get out my dream journal hang on... okay a short synopsis: my friend owned a burger king in this area near our high school (idk??) and i worked there w her, her boyfriend, and a few other people but one of the guys took my uniform which was, by the way, for some reason pastel blue and pink overalls but like shorts? and they were puffy like winter jackets. and then so i couldn’t work but i was still there and then allison and lydia from teen wolf walked in and we had like a reunion bc apparently we were friends lol and then scott came in and then stiles came in after him and i like ran to him and we hugged. idk what happened in my head man.

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? omg... my roommate. because i read a really sad fic and i tried to hide my tears w my blanket bUT SHE CAUGHT ME and then i started laughing while bawling my eyes out simultaneously bc i was embarrassed rip.

36. do you give out second chances too easily? gdi yeah i do. but i’ll bitch abt the person a fair amount first.

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? forgiving is hard but i’d never want to forget anything someone did to me. i’d want to remember so i can caution myself to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again.

38. is this year the best year of your life?
 um no unless the second half is gonna have a really great turn around.

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? well i can tell you at this rate i’ll be 20 or over when it finally happens

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? (réka omfg i laughed so hard at ur answer) no i have not. but once i forgot to take my pajamas off and just put my clothes over them and then when i went to the bathroom later in the day i was really fucking confused

51. favourite food?
 well you got ur meats, steak, bacon, any sort of chicken. but you got pizza too. and you got sugar waffle cones... i mean like how am i to pick?

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? i mean i hope it does because otherwise that’s just a big fuck u from the universe.

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
 (réka fuck me up enter the realm of exo) um i read exo fics and then i was on @vixx17andbtsimagines‘s blog catching up on her stuff.

54. is cheating ever okay? noooooooooooooo~~~~~~ its not like wtf is that why would you put someone through the pain that’s so shitty. idc the circumstance.

55. are you mean?
 no i’m really not but my face and fast-paced walk and avoidance of ppl makes them think i’m a mega-bitch. seriously, at least three of my friends have told me that was their first impression of me yikes.

56. how many people have you fist fought?
 technically two but very lowkey. the first one was a very hesitant, light slap to the face of this boy when i was in the sixth grade - i was very scared to do this but afterwards he cried and said i broke his jaw lmAO. and this doesn’t really count but this guy i was friends with was sitting across from me at a table and he jokingly threw a plastic fork at me and out of pure reflex i smacked him across the face. this has happened more than once disclaimer rofl.

57. do you believe in true love?
 books make me want to believe it. but i don’t really know. i feel that can only be answered by someone who’s experienced it idk??

58. favourite weather?
 just... march, october, and november because that is when there are no bugs and it’s cold enough to wear pants and the bulk of my clothes without sweating/freezing.

59. do you like the snow?
 yeah if i’m not in it lol. those canadian winters, man

60. do you wanna get married? yeah i’d like to one day, but when i think abt having the ceremony i get very anxious haha

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? that depends on the person?? but i feel like i’d personally be such a sucker for it if it was from the right guy lol

62. what makes you happy?
 the rare perfect cup of coffee, music, smyang’s music box version’s of songs, exo and bts crack videos (i die every time), having a good ass sleep with my body pillow to name a few.

63. would you change your name? yeah i go by aluri everywhere because its what i want to change my name to. by this point i’ve ‘had’ it for ten years and even though my family/irl friends don’t call me it, that’s all the online knows me as.

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
 well the last person i kissed was in a dream and it was mark from got7 so no, not at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t have one of those anymore so

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? no?

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
 shocker it was my dad lmao

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my roommate. which sucks because we aren’t roomies anymore and i’m gonna miss our car talks so much. :/

69. do you believe in soulmates?
 if the reason i haven’t been so much as looked at by a guy is because the world is saving me for my soulmate then sure. but otherwise NO

70. is there anyone you would die for? my oldest cat boris. :/ he’s kind of my best friend so what’re you gonna do, you feel? i love doing things like this as an excuse to talk abt myself  & it was really fun so thank you for tagging me babe @stan-the-best-stan-monsta-x and i loved reading yours!! and um gonna tag my two mains again @tearsmp4 @bunmyeon because a) i love them b) i have no other friends seriously also @sooberri if you wanna do this i’d like to know more about you as creepy as that sounds ^^

[aleksvnder-blog]

[ nervous sweatin ] .... what do u mean i’ve lowkey had this written since i got accepted ... haha wyd ...., lsiten hello ! it’s ya girl rat baby ( van ) & u can catch me chillin ( like a villain ) in australia ! i’m so pumped 4 this group u actually have no idea ... i’m so lit ngl ?? anyway lsiten i’m boring but .. idk if u think i’m cool enough ( what a fuckin joke ) i can give u my sk*pe .., anyway i need 2 stop ramblin abt me & start ramblin abt my mess of a son, aleksander !

✱ ∘ ° ━ [ thomas hayes ] did you see that foreigncr has joined NERVE ? irl, he is known as aleksander tveit, a twenty year old cis male from oslo, norway. inside the game, he has 9.9k watchers, mostly because he has paired up with any fc to complete their dares. the chemistry major is the isolato of chicago for being adept & telegenic, as well as taciturn & saturnine. oh man, i hope he survives.

so ! aleksander ! my .. fuckin mess of a son tbh

( perfectly fluent in english but chances are he’ll start talkin shit in norwegian )

he was born in oslo, norway, to two teenage parents who didn’t quite know what to do. they knew that they loved each other unconditionally, though, and they loved their son, so with the help of two wonderfully helpful sets of grandparents, they raised aleks into a home filled with love. he was never showed anything but sheer, unadulterated affection and warmth, and as a result, he grew up with a very strong idea of what love is, and he refuses to settle for anything less than what his parents have showed him.

his school life was remarkable. from an early age, aleks showed incredible proficiency in every single science possible. biology, physics, chemistry, you name it and he was brilliant at it. his aptitude for sciences and maths was, and remains to be, absolutely incredible. literal einstein ?? my clever boy i luv him

as a young child, aleks was everything you could ever want your son to be. he was talkative, INCREDIBLY intelligent, caring, selfless, and just ??? fuckin top-notch son ??? brilliant child ???

but because i luv torturing all my halfway-happy muses, shit fucks up when he turns twelve. his parents decide to take him on a drive, and end up in a single-vehicle collision. both his parents are killed on impact, but aleks miraculously survives -- albeit with a broken nose, six broken ribs, and a broken arm. 

he’s instantly put into his grandparents’ care, and is put into counseling for ptsd. from that moment, he completely closes off to the outside world. to his grandparents, he’s still the same sunny, lovely aleks, but to anyone else he’s completely different. 

it’s around this time that he really begins to shove all his energy into science, and he literally lives in the labs. legit if u wanna take him on a date just take him to a science lab ??? give him some chemicals ??

anyway !! enough w the tragedy tbh

the rest of his life kinda blurs together, in a giant mess of college and counseling and grief and alcohol ( at merely seventeen, he was bordering on full-blown alcohol dependency ) and jesus he’s just a wreck for a while

but anyway he’s less shitty now

modern-day aleks !!

he currently lives in a spacious, but dingy little flat in chicago. his kitchen is usually a mess bc he uses it as a lab, and the entire place smells like chemicals. his landlady keeps on saying she’ll kick him out if he doesn’t get his act together, but she’s too soft on him to do it. plus, when he does clean up and cook, he always brings some down to her.

deep, deep, deep down, aleks is a complete sweetheart ?? like he’s so soft it’s unreal ?? he’s only rly soft w his landlady, his grandparents and his girlfriend/boyfriend who he does his dares with ( ! wanted ! connection ! )

he’s a chemistry major w a minor in astrophysics bc he’s still the cleverest fuck ever ?? don’t ever get him started on science bc if u ask him abt things he will legit light up ?? he gets rly excited and talks so fast he slurs his words and trips over them 

he’s v v v v closed-off n kind of an asshole to ppl who rly don’t know him well ??? he doesn’t ever speak much n he just kind of ?? idk ppl think he’s an asshole it’s chill

( is he an asshole ??? sometimes )

he’s v introverted n tbh bein around lots of ppl tires him out so he just kinda hangs out in his lab n his apartment

he used to drink a lot to deal w things but now he only drinks socially ?? he smokes like a chimney tho 

will 100% talk shit in norwegian abt u if u piss him off

he started doing dares to kind of deal with the grief he still has over his parents ?? when he’s doin dangerous shit he isn’t thinkin abt them as much and he kind of ?? doesn’t care if he dies or anything because it means he’ll see them again and he doesn’t rly believe in heaven or that shit but he believes in being reunited w his parents and that legit fuels him

loves doin dares tbh ?? he’s reckless n messy n he gonna die

he probably has most of his views based on the fact that he’s lowkey the prettiest boy to ever walk this earth ...... ppl just wanna look @ him doing things and he never bothers wearing his glasses when he’s filming w alina

liste n ,,,, tumblr probs will fuck me up n not lemme message anyone so ,,, hmu for plots ??? i ahve a few lil ideas that i’ll shove here bc why not

i get rly rly rly nervous abt askin for connections like this but .... give him a bf/gf ...... give him someone who sees nothin but how soft he is n how wonderful he is ..... give him someone who puts up w his anti-social spells and is happy to sit on the counter while he experiments ....... give him someone who makes him feel human ...... lsiten the poor boy needs it tbh ........ chances are he’s like 100% in love n thinks it’s the kinda love his parents had n is just !!! so heart eyes !!!! ia m W E A K

ppl that think he’s an asshole bc he’s so closed-off ( lmao they aint wrong but ) ??? n they try to get him to open up but he jsut snaps and fucks off home to go blow smth up ?? idk he��s easily provoked and will actually snap so easily if u irritate him

ppl that he shared flats with when he first moved to chicago maybe ?? he moved when he was eighteen and wasn’t exactly rollin in money so he lived in a few dingy flats & probably lived with legit so many ppl ..... yes give him all the old roommates u can imagine ( whether they got along or not ... yikes ) 

his best friends who deal w him n luv his messy ass ??? best friends who drag him out and make him have fun and 99.9% of the time he actually loves it ??? listen he’s lonely !!!!! this boy is so lonely !!!!!! give him some good friends

give him exes .., give him lots of exes n one-night-stands tht fucked up bc he has issues make it his fault i luv torturing him ???? he kinda hates commitment n here’s the bit where i project all my shit onto him bc he emotionally disconnects after like 2 weeks ?? unless he rly rly rly likes u he’ll just .... stop being emotionally involved n it frustrates ppl and i wanna write shit like that and jsut make aleks uncomfortable

tbh jsut throw shit @ me i luv plottin i luv connections gimme a cool connection n chances are i’ll never shut up abt them xoxo

[macguires]

ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why 

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway” 

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again 

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay 

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them 

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me