#did ya'll know i cam write nice stuf???

[not-5-rats]

Okay but like...I genuinly feel bad, for some of the angst I post, I feel like I just spout negativity and whilst yes I LOVE writing it & honestly seeing people have actual feelings due to it makes me feel proud of my work but I feel so guilty. I don't wanna just be a bundle of sadness, I like being known for my angst, but I don't want you guys to think that's all I am. Sadness is an intense part of life but I feel like I might talk abt it too much and if you feel that way pls just tell me to hush, sorry dudes for this and the rant. Anyways here's some comfort from our Gator Dad (I think we could all use it)

☆×.------------------------.×☆

"You aren't a bad person Bug, you've proven that over and over"

☆---------------☆

Why did they ever think that was okay?

Bug was sat in Marco's bed, it was the middle of the night, owls were hooting somewhere outside and there was a harsh breeze blowing in through a slight cracking in the window. Their knees were hunched up against their chest, they were trembling, tears already slowly spilling from their eyes. Bodie had already went to bed so they thought they could do the same...but the second they were alone their thoughts took a hurtful turn.

They began to think about their work before they found Bodie, for so long they had targeted living creatures, catching them and either selling them into a life of torment/ torture or....sending them to their deaths. Bug thought of all the lives they had ruined, the families they had torn apart, all the innocent half-bloods that had experienced unspeakable pain because of their actions. The worst part, in their mind, was that at the time they didn't see anything wrong with what they did...if anything they saw themself as a hero, a protector of others...ha...a protector. They couldn't believe that they never took a second to consider what they were doing, they just did whatever they were told to by the higher ups, never questioning it...in Bugs mind this made them an awful person. They didn't deserve any of what they currently had. After all the shit they'd done they didn't deserve the bed they sat on, the food they ate earlier that day...they didn't deserve to know the individual that lay asleep in the room across from them.

The tried to dry their tears but as their hands reached up to wipe them all they could see was a red stain covering their palms...the blood that would forever be on their hands. As they stared at each finger, covered in the dull red glow, their breathing became staggered, they felt their throat close up. Desperately they attempted to scratch the stains from their hands, to clean themself of their regrets but alas it was all in vain...the colour could never be removed, they knew this deep down, even if they'd never directly taken a life they'd sent so many to their deaths they may as well have taken it on their own. They were so caught in in their panic and delusion that they didn't notice the figure now looming in the doorway, they didn't even notice as it began to wander closer, it wasn't until they spoke that Bug finally noticed that they weren't alone;

"Bug? What you doing up this late?"

Bodie walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, ensuring Bug had some space to themself but so that they also knew he was there for them if they needed him. They stammered slightly as they tried to compose themself enough to answer...they could barely breath, when they finally found the air, their words were still shaky and at points barely legible. They told him that they were just struggling to sleep, they were alright, just couldn't doze off. Safe to say Bodie wasn't buying that shit. He shifted closer to them and opened his arms, offering a hug...but Bug didn't make any move to accept his offer, this is when he knew something was very wrong, sure Bug wasn't always a super physical person but they never, NEVER, refused a hug;

"*Bug* I don't mean to pry but it's pretty obvious you ain't alright, I ain't gonna judge you! Whatever it is...you can tell me about it"

There was a moment of silence as Bug stared out the window, their heart ached, they knew they couldn't keep this to themself...not anymore, they felt as though they'd implode if they tried to keep it in much longer. They turned to finally look at the gator, their eyes were swollen and blood-shot, the skin surrounding them puffed slightly and their lips were trembling as they held back wails. Bodie went to speak, reassure them that they can talk to him, but before he could get a single word in Bug collapsed against his chest, into his arms.

They began to ramble about their feelings, about how guilty they felt for everything they'd done, that they never felt they could ever be free from the awful tragedies they caused, that no matter what they did they would remain an unredeemable monster, a sick murderer who sealed many people's fate with no shame, they were a terrible person...with no hope of redemption. They feared they were going on too much but with Bodies warm arms wrapped around them they couldn't help it, his presence was just so comforting they felt so safe...so secure...they could never deserve this. As their voice slowly faded out Bodies arms tightened slightly, his hand reaching up and gently rubbing the tears from their face. He allowed them to sit there in silence for a minute, so that Bug could stabalise their breathing and maybe even calm down a bit, he then decided to attempt and comfort them. When he spoke his voice was barely more than a whisper;

"You wanna know something Bug? Bad people don't feel guilt for doing bad things, so just by being upset about what you did you show that you're not as bad a person as you claim"

He could tell Bug wasn't entierly convinced, so he sighed quietly before continuing, as he kept speaking Bug looked up at him, their teary eyes meeting his. The care he felt threatened to bring tears into their eyes once more...he really cared about them...after everything;

"You aren't a bad person Bug, you've proven that over and over. It must be hard for you to belive that but I know you, and I can tell you without a single doubt that you are a great person, you may have made mistakes...but hey we all have...you can't solely judge yourself on the mistakes you've made in the past cause then you're not really judging yourself, you're judging the past and that's no use to anybody"

Bodie smiled down at them...and that caused a meek smile to slide onto Bug's face. Bodie gently ran a hand through their hair, shifting strands out of their face and gently brushing it with his fingers. Bug felt like a child, a small kid in the arms of a parent, they felt comfortable, safe, like nothing could ever hurt them. They felt their eyelids grow heavy and just before they passed out they heard Bodie's voice once more;

"You're a sweetheart Bug, you really are such a lovely person...and I'm so proud of you for who you are"

With that their eyes finally fell shut and they fell into the best sleep they've had in a long time