#did they think the british bulldog would confuse audiences?

[reiverreturns]

wait hang on a minute all the jaeger pilots (bar raleigh who’s just got in and the crimson typhoon triplets who were already based in hong kong) are in their jaeger suits except herc hansen. why tf is he dressed like crocodile dundee GET IN YOUR SUIT SIR

[rawiswhore]

Shawn Michaels, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Davey Boy Smith x Fem Reader- “Can’t We All Just Get Along?”

Since you've joined the WWF, you've been enamored with not only Hunter Hearst Helmsley, but someone he's good friends with that would eventually be his tag team partner: Shawn Michaels.

Shawn's finally getting rid of that shitty mullet he had during the majority of the 90's, and thank God for that.

However, you've seen the way Hunter and Shawn act off camera, and it isn't pretty.

During the 1990's, there was a little wrestling group known as The Kliq: a group of wrestlers comprising of Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash/Diesel, Razor Ramon, the 1-2-3 Kid and eventually Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Who were they? A group of wrestlers who would bully and even try to end other wrestler's careers.

By the time you had joined the WWF, Razor Ramon and Kevin Nash went on to WCW, which was not only becoming more popular, but even kicking the WWF's asses in the ratings, and kicking the WWF's ass in the ratings would eventually lead to the WWF's Attitude era.

Hopefully Razor and Kevin aren't bullying other wrestlers in WCW too.

You've seen the way Shawn and Hunter have treated and bullied other wrestlers, and it upset you, so much, you've talked with them about it and how you're completely sick of it.

Hunter saved your life, he promised you that if you got off of drugs and alcohol, he'd marry you, and you did get clean for him, but he hasn't proposed to you yet.

Someone who saved your life still continues to bully other wrestlers.

But now, the straw has officially broke the camel's back.

How?

In September of 1997, in a match in England, Davey Boy Smith/the British Bulldog and Shawn Michaels had a match.

Not just any match, but Davey wanted to win this match so he could dedicate it to his sister, who had been sick her entire life and was dying from cancer.

Shawn, however, selfishly refused to lose to Davey and took the belt away from him.

When this happened, you were trying your best to hold back your tears in anger at Shawn and trying to look like your face isn't angry, why?

Cameras are filming you and you have to stay in character.

Once Shawn, you and Hunter entered  the locker room, which hopefully no one is filming there (and luckily they aren't, thank God), you really let your tears out.

Tears were falling and streaming down your face, and you were about to let Shawn have it.

"How DARE you do that to him!" you shrieked, your face scrunched up and turning reddish pink, your voice shrieky and shrill. "Davey wanted to win the belt for his DYING sister and you selfishly took it from him!"

You wanted to slap Shawn in the face, but you don't want to get arrested for hitting someone, if you can.

Some other wrestlers in the locker room had heard you and turned their heads around to look at you, and you really hope the people in the audience outside don't hear you shrieking and going off on him.

"Why do you have to bully and be disrespectful towards other wrestlers?!?!" you complained at Shawn, "It's just a plastic belt! Didn't your parents ever teach you good sportsmanship?!"

When you think about it, wrestling, for the most part, is just when 2 men without pants fight over a belt.

And yet Shawn doesn't want to lose yet he's the one who always wears tights!

For some reason, Shawn as well as other wrestlers hate losing to other wrestlers when it's just a belt.

"There's more to life than winning a belt!" you preached.  

You were so angry at Shawn, you were afraid he wouldn't hear you because of you crying and screaming at him.

When other wrestlers in the room hear you say your message about there's more to life than winning a belt and if his parents ever taught him good sportsmanship, they applauded you.

You might be notorious for having occasionally promiscuous sex in the WWF, especially having sex in many private places in the WWF including in the ring, locker rooms, showers, dressing rooms, airplane seats, janitor closets, wherever, and many wrestlers have seen you getting it on with a wrestler or more you think is sexy, but at least you're a woman who cares for others.

Shawn began fuming and going off on you, so much, you're afraid the cops are gonna have to be called over this quarrel.

Some other wrestlers even walked up to you and tried breaking up this quarrel the two of you had gotten into.

"Shawn, Hunter, I think the two of you are both sexy " you admitted, your nose sniffling and your tone of voice not sounding so angry. "But I can't love someone who bullies and treats others with disrespect, and I mean backstage, not on camera!".

You were wiping away the tears in your eyes that were pouring down your face.

"I've even thought of leaving the WWF because of you two!" you shouted.

Shawn was so nice and kind to that kid with Down syndrome who fell out of the audience, he escorted the kid backstage and even hugged him, yet he's too selfish to give the belt to someone (from ENGLAND by the way, and the chant was chanting Davey's nickname rather than Shawn's name) whose sister had been sick for a long time and was dying from cancer!

Shawn and Triple H are arguably the sexiest men in the WWF right now, and while they are hotties, these men that Shawn and Hunter have bullied look more like stereotypical wrestlers than these future D Generation X members.

Even though skinnier wrestlers like Shawn can move around more and are much more athletic, but...

Hunter looks more like some male model you'd see on the cover of those paperback bodice ripper romance novels, the kinds with Fabio on the cover.

Actually, you've thought of pitching a gimmick to Hunter where his character is now one of those male hunks on the cover of those paperback bodice ripper romance novels that women swoon over, though you doubt this gimmick will go over with the male audience.

Even though skinnier wrestlers like Shawn can move around more and are much more athletic, but big, burly wrestlers that Shawn, Hunter and the rest of the Kliq have bullied do look more like tough guys who can kick your ass.

Though, is this a good thing or not?

Even though Shawn is getting sexier as the days go by, Hunter will get even hotter once he lets his hair completely loose and not have those stupid braids and ponytails in his hair, you've thought of seriously leaving these men.

Leaving them for someone better in the WWF, like Billy Gunn or Rockabilly, or Jeff Hardy, or how about just leaving the WWF for good?

Speaking of sexy, Shawn looked gorgeous during this WWF match with Davey Boy Smith.

Too bad he had to be such a huge jerk to the British Bulldog and others.

"Shawn" you huffed, taking a deep breath, not sounding so angry. "Are you on drugs tonight? Drunk? Is that why you're so disrespectful?"

You knew about Shawn and his drug problems and alcoholism, though, it's debatable if drugs or alcohol make you a jerk.

Pretty soon, Davey Boy Smith entered the locker room, still distraught and furious over what Shawn did to him.

You were happy to see him actually, you just hope he's okay.

"Hey Davey" you greeted him. "I just ranted and went off on Shawn. How dare he do that to you?"

That wasn't all you wanted to say to him.

"Was it planned for you to win this match?" you asked him. "Or did Shawn take the belt from you?"

"I wanted to win this match to dedicate it to my sister" Davey confessed. "But Shawn convinced Vince McMahon that he should win, and I had to agree with him though I didn't want to"

"Is this true?" you asked Shawn, your head turning and looking at him, though you're so mad at him you can't even look at him.

"Yeah" Shawn admitted, taking a deep breath and looking down at his shoes.

"Why?!" you asked.

"So it would create build-up not only for my impending rematch with Bret Hart" Shawn confessed "but also for a rematch against Davey at the next British pay-per-view".

"Well, you could win the belt another time!" you snapped back at Shawn. "Don't you have enough belts? You don't take the belt away from someone who wanted to dedicate the match to his dying sister!"

Though, it isn't just Shawn's fault, it's Vince's stupid fault too, he could've just agreed to not let Shawn be a selfish jerk but Vince went with it.

While you were ranting this at Shawn, you turned your body around towards Shawn, pointing your index finger at him.

After you ranted at him, you turned your body and face towards Davey.

He noticed your face and eyes were reddish pink, looking like you had been crying.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

You nodded your head.

"I'm angry at what Shawn did to you" you admitted. "I was trying to hold back the tears when he took that belt from you and let them out once I entered the locker room"

"She was furious at Shawn" some wrestler chimed in "Shouting at him, going off at him"

"She told him there's more to life than winning a belt" another wrestler added. "And asked him if his parents ever taught him about good sportsmanship"

"Are you serious?" Davey asked, looking confused and shocked.

You nodded your head, another wrestler nodded his head.

Even Shawn heard this all and would admit this, that is, if he doesn't lie about it.

You wonder if the security cameras are filming this in the locker room?

It's a shame that the iPhone hadn't been invented yet, some wrestler could film your angry argument at Shawn in the locker room and show evidence and proof!

"Did you hear me shrieking and shouting in the locker room?" you asked Davey.

"I did hear some shrieking, yeah" Davey admitted.

Even though you're very angry at Shawn, you have to say something else to him.

"Shawn!" you called to him, where he turned his head and looked at you, though he's pissed at you for ranting at him, when he should be the one pissed at himself.

"It isn't just your fault with you and your selfishness" you said. "It's Vince's fault for accepting you to win against the British Bulldog"

Even though this sounds like you're apologizing to him, but your quote to Shawn, to quote Kurt Angle: "It's true! It's damn true!"

Your head turned back and looked at Davey.

"Are you angry at me for sounding like I'm on Shawn's side?" you asked him, your eyes looking up at him.

"A little, but you're completely correct" Davey answered.  

"It might've been Shawn's idea to win the belt from you" you stated "But it's Vince's fault for accepting it!"

The other wrestlers in the locker room cheered you on for saying that.

You hope Davey doesn't hate you for what you said.

You lifted your arms, or rather, your hands out, your gesture implying for a hug with you and the British Bulldog.

You wrapped your arms around Davey's body and embraced him, he embracing you back.

You buried your face in his huge, sweaty chest, sobbing into his chest, your nose inhaling the sweaty musk coming from him.

His hands and arms helped pull you close to him, his arms wrapped around you, embracing and holding you.

Your hands were running up and down his chest, albeit, not sexually.

You wanted to comfort him and felt sorry for that garbage he went through tonight.

Later on that night, you washed your face and drank some water, you being exhausted over tonight and especially angrily going off on Shawn.

Tonight, you didn't sleep with Shawn, and you were having doubts of sleeping with Hunter.

Hunter/Paul wasn't so bad tonight, but Shawn was on a whole new level of awful...

That night while trying to fall asleep in the hotel room, you held a pillow tight, sobbing into it and cried yourself to sleep.

When you woke up, you stopped crying, but your eyes were still wet.

A few months later, Shawn ended up having a back injury that would lead to him retiring from the WWF.

That back injury was karma for his disrespect for several years, especially towards Davey Boy Smith/the British Bulldog.

Though, there are rumors Shawn's back injury is a ruse...

It's fitting No Doubt's "Don't Speak" became an immensely popular song in late 1996 and throughout 1997, because that song describes how you feel with Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Shawn Michaels.

You listened to that song as well as No Doubt during this time, not only because you enjoy their music, but you can relate to some of their songs.

When you met No Doubt and especially their frontwoman Gwen Stefani, you told them/her how "Don't Speak" is a song you can relate to and how it got you through times you were furious at your partner.

Your partner, or rather, partners? Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Shawn Michaels.

[timelinewrestling]

WWF RAW Jan. 11, 1993

The very first episode of Monday Night Raw opens on the street outside of The Manhattan Center with Sean Mooney explaining to Bobby Heenan that he can’t go inside because he’s been replaced on commentary by Rob Bartlett. Sean Mooney was a play-by-play commentator and studio anchor but was not long for the company after this appearance as he leaves in April. During this time, Bobby Heenan was not managing full time and mostly did work on commentary. He worked with Ric Flair on his current WWF run as well as another character that we will discuss later on. His main goal for this episode is to make it inside and take his job back.

A very 90’s intro package plays and we are inside with Vince Mcmahon, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett. Vince was the lead commentator at this time and also conducted in-ring interviews. The rumor on Randy is that he was saddled with commentator duty even though he wanted to be in the ring full time. However, according to Bruce Prichard, Randy wanted to wind down his career and only wrestle part-time. Bartlett was a comedian and radio DJ who apparently didn’t know anything about wrestling except how to bury the wrestlers, the fans, and the company every chance he could.  After reading up on Bartlett, I am happy to see that most people at the time hated his commentary as much as I do and he didn’t stick around the WWF very long. Vince tries his best to make Bartlett seem funny but it soon becomes apparent that he is regretting his decision to hire him. It looks like Randy just tries to ignore him. 

There are two dark matches before the televised show begins. First, we have Damien Demento losing to Bob Backland by DQ and then Johnny Rotten losing to The Cheetah Kid. Later on, Demento would also wrestle in the main event of the night against The Undertaker. He started with the company several months earlier in October of 1992 and only lasted about a year, leaving in October of 1993. Backland had also just recently returned to the company and found himself stuck in the midcard as he wasn’t getting over with the younger fans who didn’t remember him. Johnny Rotten and The Cheetah Kid would later work together as Johnny Grunge and Rocco Rock respectively, forming the team “The Public Enemy”.

Our first televised match of the night is Koko B. Ware VS. Yokozuna, or “Yokozuma” as Bartlett calls him. At this time, Koko is one half of High Energy with Owen Hart.  This was near the very end of Koko’s WWF career and he left the company a few months later. Bartlett jokes that Koko looks like Gary Coleman. Yokozuna makes his entrance alongside Mr. Fuji. Some girls in the ring offer flowers to Yokozuna in what I assume is sumo custom, as Bartlett makes fat joke after fat joke, followed by more fat jokes, specifically one about Yokozuna eating Koko’s bird, and also the term “Big Butted Oriental”. Vince notes that up to this point, Yokozuna is undefeated and hasn’t even been knocked off his feet. The three commentators keep trying to sell Raw’s motto, that it is “Uncooked, Uncut, and Uncensored” but they botch it several times in these first few episodes. They also mention that both Yokozuna and Macho Man will be participating in the upcoming Royal Rumble match. This match itself is a squash. What little offense Koko gets in is no-sold by Yokozuna. The best spot of the match is when Koko goes for a splash and ends up draped over the ropes. Yokozuna drops a leg on him, picks him up, chokes him into the corner, splashes him, climbs onto the 2nd rope and finishes him with a Banzai Drop. 

We then get a short ad for the Royal Rumble and then our first look at one of the “Raw Girls”. These women were Vince’s take on boxing’s ring girls who would take a lap and hold a sign showing the number of whichever round was coming up. This woman’s sign simply reads “Monday Night Raw”. As beautiful as they may be, I’d rather see wrestlers. Vince throws us to a pre-taped segment featuring Bobby Heenan discussing his client “Narcissus”. Of course, he is actually talking about Lex Luger’s new gimmick “The Narcissist”. They just hadn’t settled on that name yet I guess. It’s a little grating to hear Bobby and Vince say “Narcissus” over and over so I understand why they went with a different name. In Bobby’s promo, he tells Mr. Perfect that Narcissus is better than him in every way and it would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. 

Back in the ring, our next match is about to start. It’s a tag team match between The Steiner Brothers and The Executioners. There were several different incarnations of “The Executioners” in wrestling. These particular guys are played by Barry Hardy and Duane Gill, who would later go on to be Gillberg. They would also portray The Toxic Turtles, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle gimmick for at least one match. The Steiners, however, were destined for bigger things. Rick and Scott were both accomplished amateur wrestlers and came to the company the previous year after leaving WCW. Randy mentions that the Steiners have a match at the Royal Rumble against the Beverly Brothers. Bartlett asks which Steiner is which and Randy no-sells him. Scott and his immaculate mullet start the match and quickly lay the smack-down on one of the Executioners. We also get Vince’s first “What a maneuver!” on Raw. At this point, we see Doink the Clown running around in the audience. I hate this distraction. It could have waited or just happened between matches. More on Doink later. Rick tags in and decimates the Executioner. Commentary is very bad during this match. They talk about Doink, Bartlett makes “jokes”, and Vince suddenly announces that football player Mitch Frerotte is coming to the WWF, which never actually ends up happening. Scott tags in and almost kills his opponent with a belly to belly suplex and then throws him into the corner. The other Executioner tags in and Scott hits him with a double under-hook power-bomb. He gets him up on his shoulders for Rick to jump off the top turnbuckle with a bulldog headlock. Scott hooks the leg and wins. It was good for a squash match, but Doink and commentary really took away from it. 

We cut back to Sean Mooney on the outside as he confronts Bobby Heenan who is dressed in drag and being held by security. That’s the whole gag. Heenan is charming and I’m sure this was funny at the time but I just don’t need it right now. The duality between this type of kid-friendly comedy and the whole “Uncut” thing they were going for is just confusing to me. But that’s just Vince, I guess. Next up, Vince conducts an in-ring interview with Razor Ramon. The Bad Guy comes out wearing my favorite shirt that I’ve ever laid eyes on and he is oozing machismo as always. They discuss the Royal Rumble and Razor’s upcoming match against Bret Hart for the title. Razor mentions how it took Bret 8 and a half years to get where he is and it only took Razor 8 and a half months. We see how Razor attacked Owen Hart on WWF Mania just to be cruel to Bret. Razor throws his toothpick at Vince and exits. As he leaves, Randy promotes the WWF and Red Cross’s “Headlock On Hunger” campaign to aid the hungry in Somalia. We also see a taped segment with Tatanka. Not a lot to say about that. 

This is Raw’s first title match as Shawn Micheals defends against Max Moon, who is played by Paul Diamond and NOT Konnan as some people believe. The gimmick was made for Konnan, but he left the company soon after. Since the gear fit, Diamond got the character. Shawn Michaels won the IC Title from The British Bulldog in a match that took place on October 27th the previous year but wasn’t aired until November 14th. At this time he had split from Sensational Sherry and was feuding with former partner Marty Jannetty. This is the best match of the night as you might expect. Shawn and Max Moon are both quick and effective. During the match, Vince mentions that Sherry will be present during Shawn Vs. Marty at the Royal Rumble, but it is unknown whose corner she will be in. Bartlett is fucking awful during this match. He does a Mike Tyson impersonation that goes on way too long, but Vince and even Randy just keep selling for him.  Doink is also present once again. After a two count, Shawn kicks out and unleashes a super-kick, followed by his finisher at the time, a teardrop suplex. He pins Moon to retain. 

We are shown some ads and then the Royal Rumble Report, presented by Gene Okerlund. This is Gene’s last year with the company until his return in 2001. He hypes up various matches for the upcoming Pay-Per-View, including HBK Vs. Marty Janetty and announces some names for the Rumble match itself. Shawn cuts a promo on Marty, calling him a simpleton and that Sherry will definitely be in his own corner. Marty cuts a promo back hinting that maybe Shawn doesn’t know Sherry as well as he thinks he does. Some more pre-taped promos are shown including Mr. Perfect, Mr. Fuji and Yokozuna (Fuji also calls him “Yokozuma”, just like Bartlett did.), and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. All of them are just proclaiming themselves the winner of the Rumble. 

Back to Mooney on the outside and this time Bobby is dressed up as a Hasidic Jew, still trying to get inside. Bobby then decides he will try to get in from the roof of the building. I’m over this bit. McMahon shills some tickets and botches the “uncooked” thing again. Then he throws us to the last episode of Superstars where Komala turns face on his Manager and Handler, Harvey Wippleman and Kim Chee and sides with Reverend Slick as his new manager. I’ll look more into these guys in the future when they actually appear on the show. Our main event is next. 

Damien Demento Vs. The Undertaker is the first main event on Raw. Demento is billed from “The Outer Reaches of Your Mind” and that sounds about right. The gong sounds and The Undertaker makes his way to the ring with Paul Bearer. The Undertaker would soon begin the feud that would lead to his most underwhelming Wrestlemania match ever, but tonight it’s only Damien Demento. The bell rings and Demento is on the offensive until Taker slams his head onto the mat. Taker hits all the signatures here. Old School, Shakespeare, and he finishes Demento with his Tombstone Piledriver. Dominant but not a complete squash, this was a pretty good main event. After the match, Vince advertises...Woody Allen Vs. Mia Farrow in a steel cage for next week’s episode, which is not funny and pretty disgusting. 

After the commercial break, Vince is interviewing Doink about how he likes to make kids cry and how Crush has warned him about that. Crush enters, tells Doink off, says “brah” and “brudda” a few hundred times, chases Doink around and then stands tall in the ring. Why was this here? It should have been before the Taker match at least. Finally, we see Bobby Heenan again and Mooney informs him that he’s finally allowed to go inside. After the show is over. 

There is a dark main event featuring Crush Vs. Bam Bam Bigelow that Crush wins by DQ, so I guess that is why the Crush/Doink segment was placed where it was, I just feel like it should have been handled differently. 

That was the first episode of Monday Night Raw. Overall it was an okay show. It’s not what you’d expect as a modern wrestling fan. I’d expect some bigger names on the first show, but there were decent enough matches. The only real gripe I have is that commentary made some of the show unwatchable. Shawn Vs. Max Moon was really good, but Rob Bartlett just made me want to skip it. I would recommend watching this show, just try to tune the guy out.

[wrestlingisfake]

WWF Prime Time Wrestling (January 4, 1988)

Gorilla Monsoon welcomes us to the new year and suggests Bobby “The Brain” Heenan has to do better in 1988 than he did in 1987.  He mentions the neck brace Bobby has on (from Hulk Hogan manhandling him in December), and Heenan warns him not to bother him about “a dog” (alluding to when he and the Islanders stole the British Bulldogs’ mascot Matilda). 

Heenan makes excuses for wandering off during last week’s Prime Time and leaving Ted DiBiase to finish the show with Gorilla.  Monsoon (not for the first time) warns Heenan not to bring people on the show without his approval.  “When you’re the host,” Heenan says, “you can do whatever you want.”  That about which sums up the central conflict of Prime Time: Monsoon is the host and Heenan is just the co-host, but Bobby demands to be given greater authority over the show, even as he insists he’s already in charge.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Sika - All the matches on Prime Time are recycled from the WWF’s shows on syndication and for regional networks; this one is from Madison Square Garden in New York City, and was presumably aired on the MSG Network.  Monsoon, Heenan, and Lord Alfred Hayes are on commentary.  Gorilla immediately calls Duggan “the policeman of the World Wrestling Federation,” because he freely attacks the heels over the slightest hint of wrongdoing.  Heenan is not convinced a crazy idiot with a two-by-four is deserving of such esteem.

This match amounts to two big guys doing simple power moves until Sika uses a thumb to the eye to get the heat, and then Duggan quickly rallies back with some punches.  Duggan yells “Come on, tough guy!  Come on, you son of a bitch!” which has to be bleeped for television.  Hacksaw’s style resembles an overgrown toddler stomping around while everyone else does their best to pretend he knows what he’s doing.  That’s not really a knock--it worked out fine for him in his day--but sometimes he does something or looks a certain way and I actually start to wonder if he’s so dumb he doesn’t know this is all fake. 

Duggan actually busts out a small package and a sunset flip, which is pretty sophisticated for him.  He goes for a headbutt and sells it like he just survived a car wreck (because Polynesians have unusually hard heads, according to wrestling logic), but recovers within about 30 seconds to do the three-point stance into a running clothesline for the pin.

Returning to the studio Gorilla scolds Heenan for the Harley Race/Jim Duggan brawl at the Slammy Awards last month.  After the break, Monsoon is explaining that the Royal Rumble is on January 24, and then it’s off to Philadelphia for the next match.

Hillbilly Jim vs Dino Bravo - We’re joining this one in progress.  Craig DeGeorge and local personality Dick Graham are on commentary.  Bravo has Frenchy Martin in his corner.  In 1987 Bravo was managed (in a team with Greg Valentine) by Johnny Valiant, and Martin was an active wrestler, but evidently some changes have been made that weren’t ever explained on Prime Time.

The match is pretty basic but I dig Graham’s style, sounding like some old fuddy-duddy who is just tickled to see big burly men making fools of themselves.  Hillbilly gets his licks in, but this is mostly a showcase of Bravo and Frenchy, to give the new act a push.  Martin gets on the apron to distract Hillbilly, which allows Bravo to hit a jumping knee from behind for the pin.

Back in the studio Monsoon seems to think that last match was in MSG for some reason. He’s hot at Heenan for getting him in trouble when they taped the show in Atlantic City last week.  Heenan wants the $1000 bill Gorilla almost gave him for Christmas, but no dice. 

UPDATE: Craig DeGeorge is in his little fake news desk set to present a replay of the dognapping incident.  There’s no dispute that Haku, Tama, and Heenan took the dog, but they claim they left her in the dressing room and haven’t seen her since.  Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid aren’t buying it, and I’m not buying their attempt to act sad.  WWF president Jack Tunney has a statement:

We at the World Wrestling Federation do not condone the recent activities as it relates to Matilda.  My office is currently investigating the matter.  If Matilda’s whereabouts are not known within one week’s time, the appropriate steps will be taken.

I’m always amazed with how commanding and presidential Tunney can sound while saying absolutely nothing of consequence.

Monsoon wonders what Tunney would do about the Matilda situation and Heenan tries to pass the buck to the Islanders.  Gorilla changes the subject to Ted DiBiase offering to buy the WWF world title from Hulk Hogan (and Hogan rejecting the offer).  Heenan acts like he knows what DiBiase’s next move will be, but doesn’t actually say what that might be.

Jacques Rougeau & Raymond Rougeau vs. Jose Estrada & Jose Luis Rivera - This is in MSG again, with Gorilla, Heenan, and Hayes on commentary.  Estrada and Rivera are in masks as the Conquistadors, and never identified as individuals.  Apparently the taller one is Rivera, which means Estrada starts this match and is called “One” by the announce team.  The Conquistadors make several tags right away to put over their gimmick of easily defying the rules against switching off without a legal tag.  The match goes a lot slower than I’m used to from the Rougeaus, as if they’re still figuring out this mysterious new duo.  Both heels get knocked to the floor, which absolutely confuses the issue of who the legal man should be.

We head back tot he studio for a break and Heenan has brought in a fruit plate, which Monsoon suspects is from the hotel in Atlantic City from last week.  Heenan insists it’s fine but Monsoon figures it’s poisoned.  This is one of many Gorilla/Bobby segments that makes you wonder what gave them the idea, and why it goes absolutely nowhere.

Back to the match, the Rougeaus are in control and the announcers suggest that they’ve managed to switch off without legal tags, owing to their vague resemblance to one another.  You wouldn’t expect that to be a thing the Conquistadors’ opponents would be pulling.  The Conquistadors get Jacques isolated and it’s clear that they’re in no hurry.  Raymond finally gets the hot tag and runs wild on the heels.  They get one of the Conquistadors out and do some weird double team move in the corner to the other, but the move is botched so I’m not even sure what they were going for.  Jacques gets the pin even though Raymond was legal, so basically everyone just stopped giving a shit.

In studio, Gorilla needles Heenan about how the Rougeaus are gunning for the Islanders and it’ll take a great team to capture the tag team title from Strike Force.  Then he segues into the upcoming footage from Paris, and how Bobby is no longer welcome there after some alleged incident.

WWF ladies’ title match: Sensational Sherri (champion) vs. Velvet McIntyre - As promised, we’re in Paris, and the crowd is whistling at the women.  Gorilla and Bobby are on commentary again, but I don’t see them at ringside and they sound like they might’ve recorded this in-studio for Prime Time.  Velvet starts off on fire, and this is already way more action than WWF women’s matches delivered in all of 1987.  Other than the Jumping Bomb Angels, the division has been pretty sluggish, but I suspect that’s turning around with Fabulous Moolah and her associates being phased out for younger talent.  Sherri slows it down with some basic heel stall tactics but Velvet’s not having any of it.

This may be the best worked match on this episode.  It’s nothing compared to modern standards, but it’s certainly better than you’re gonna get from Hacksaw Jim Duggan or Hillbilly Jim.  Sherri goes for Velvet’s hair once too many times and Velvet gives up a chance to execute a Boston crab to pull Sherri’s hair right back.

We check back in with the studio and Heenan and Monsoon are still reminiscing about France.  Back to the match and Velvet is firmly in control.  Sherri is really good at constantly whining and yelling about every little thing.  Velvet gets her in a leg scissors and they basically do a bunch of goofy spots around Sherri trying to get loose, until Sherri goes for a hair pull again.  Sherri’s back in control and keeps working the hair.  The crowd is still catcalling the wrestlers.  Velvet makes several brief comebacks but Sherri cuts her off over and over.  Finally McIntyre goes for a crossbody block and covers Sherri, but Sherri rolls through to get the pin and retain the title.

Back to the studio, Gorilla and the Brain speculate about the nationality of the referee from that match.  Gorilla throws it to a pre-taped Mean Gene, who plugs the “Rumble Royal” coming up in a few weeks.  Gene brings in “Outlaw” Ron Bass to interview about the special format of the “Rumble Royal.”  Bass already sees the huge disadvantage of drawing #1 or #2, but he’s confident enough to not give a damn.  Interestingly, Bass gets the name of the show right even though Gene never did.

After the break, Monsoon and Heenan discuss the Royal Rumble some more.  They clearly don’t think the audience can grasp the rules for the match, so they go over it very carefully.  Gorilla mentions Dino Bravo’s bench press exhibition that will be on the Rumble show, and isn’t terribly sure whether Bravo might still be the WWF Canadian champion.  Another break, and Monsoon explains the Rumble will feature a special face-to-face interview with Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

Iron Mike Sharpe vs. SD Jones - We join this in progress, and I think it’s MSG again.  Monsoon, Hayes, and Heenan are on commentary.  I mainly know Jones from losing in record time at the first Wrestlemania, and I mainly know Sharpe for being the jobber who sells every move by going “AAAAARRRRRGHHH!”  So it’s kinda funny this would be saved for so late in the show.  It’s pretty even until Sharpe gets his arms tied in the ring ropes and they really milk that spot for all it’s worth.  Sharpe is in big trouble after that, but stays alive long enough to hit a big standing lariat for the pin.  I can’t believe I lived long enough to see Iron Mike Sharpe win a wrestling match.

In the studio, Monsoon runs down Jones for taking time off and letting himself get out of shape, which is a little weird because Jones is a babyface.  He asks about the Heenan Family’s strategy for the Royal Rumble, and Bobby’s already come up with the old “we’ll all stand back and wait until the end and gang up on who’s left” bit.  I think that worked exactly one time, in 2009.

King Kong Bundy vs. Bam Bam Bigelow - This is from a Superstars of Wrestling taping, and you can tell from the blurred-out banners.  (Apparently WWE let the trademark lapse and can’t get it back.)  Vince McMahon, Jesse Ventura, and Bruno Sammartino are on commentary.  Both of these guys aren’t accustomed to fighting guys their own size, so we get a bunch of “you shoulderblock me and I’ll shoulderblock you” stuff to start.  Bigelow has Oliver Humperdink in his corner but I don’t  see Heenan in Bundy’s corner.  Oh wait, he just came running down like he was late.  Bundy is dominating while the crowd starts a “weasel” chant.  The experiment of Humperdink as a babyface manager was interesting, and Heenan does a great job of acting like it really rattles him, but it doesn’t seem to have caught on.

Bundy is just punishing Bigelow until he misses a splash, and Bigelow covers him with one of his own.  The ref counts extremely fast and Bigelow gets the biggest win of his WWF run so far.  Heenan makes fun of Sammartino’s commentary and legit cracks up Gorilla.

In the studio, Heenan is livid about the fast count and even Monsoon can’t deny it.  After the break, Heenan is relieved the show is over.  Monsoon dicks with Heenan about what day and time the show will be on next week.  I’m real glad I don’t have to keep up with this shit nowadays.  The show closes with Bobby receiving an angry phone call from Bruno and hanging up on him.

Next week, we’ll have more on the exciting FREE spectacular, the Rumble Royal!

[austenmarriage]

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New Post has been published on http://austenmarriage.com/rules-road-regency-language/

Rules of the Road for Regency Language

Recently, some writers online were discussing language, particularly the use of language for an historical period such as the Regency age. I was traveling and unable to jump into the discussion, but the comments set me to reflect about my approach—which I had considered for quite a while as I began my historical fiction based on Jane Austen’s life.

As for general language, I take the actor’s approach when preparing to play an historical character: don’t imitate the person, inhabit the person. Learn all you can, absorb the way the individual thinks, feels, and acts, then speak naturally. The voice will come to you. Afterward, with a period piece, check for anachronisms. It’s not unusual for me to check five or six words a page. Trouble is, some old English words sound new, and some new English words sound old. “Ignition,” for example, sounds like a modern word: We relate it to car ignitions, “ignition, liftoff,” and so on. However, this word has been firing up our vocabulary since at least 1612.

The discussion covered a variety of bugaboos, mostly prohibitions that grammarians in the 19th Century tried to force on English to make it more like Latin, to rein in English’s sprawling structure to become more “proper.”

Among these rules, there’s no law against beginning a sentence with “And” or “But” or other conjunctions; however, that usage was not typical of traditional English and it does sound modern. Austen, though, uses an opening conjunction once in a while. Here’s an early example from “Mansfield Park,” when Fanny is trying to settle in: “And sitting down by her, he was at great pains to overcome her shame in being so surprised, and persuade her to speak openly.”

When I begin a sentence with a conjunction, it is usually to express a character’s thoughts, to distinguish a character who speaks abruptly, or to mark the less formal aspect of speech. Austen does the last in the same section in “Mansfield”: “And remember that, if you are ever so forward and clever yourselves, you should always be modest; for, much as you know already, there is a great deal more for you to learn.”

Austen commonly uses the “semicolon-and”; perhaps fifty for every “period-and.” Why should the former be seen as stately English, connecting two balanced phrases, and the latter as improper?

Split infinitives are another bogus issue. English is an accented language, and sometimes sentences split an infinitive for the rhythm: “To boldly go where no one has gone before” is a “Star Trek” phrase in almost perfect iambic. “To go boldly” or “Boldly to go” strike the English ear as wrong.

The phrase originated in a 1958 White House pamphlet on space travel; it was amended to “where no man has gone before” for the first “Star Trek” television series, then returned to “where no one has gone before” for the revival, “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” The phrase is also brought out in the split-infinitive debate. I’ve always wondered why the phrase wasn’t “to boldly go where none has gone before,” because that is perfect iambic pentameter. Perhaps the author thought it sounded too lyrical. Or perhaps “none” might have been contradicted by alien species, of which there are aplenty boldly going somewhere in the “Star Trek” saga.

There are other sentences in which the only correct sense requires the infinitive to be split. How else could you construct the following: “Prices are expected to more than double by next year.” The words that split the infinitive are nothing more than modifiers of the main verb; i.e., adverbs.

Split prepositions are also fine. Both Austen and Shakespeare used them. When challenged on his use of sentence-ending prepositions, Winston Churchill is reputed to have responded: “This is the kind of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put!” Though there is no definitive source of the remark that traces directly to the British Prime Minister, it sounds like the English bulldog—though he might have thrown in a “bloody” or two. Ending a sentence with a preposition is fine if it gives the sentence a punch. The same is true of keeping the preposition with its object where it technically belongs.

Among the other language issues that arose in the earlier lively discussion, I admit that it bugs me when people don’t know the difference between “farther” and “further,” but Jane Austen didn’t. Neither did Thomas Hardy, who wrote nearly a hundred years later. They both used “further” to mean distance. “Further” has always had the broader sense, but it’s a relatively recent development to separate the two so that “farther” means only “distance” and “further” means everything else. A nice distinction, but new.

Having been a copy editor, I learned and enforced all the rules. I was part of the priesthood. Over many years since, I have become more flexible. I do not believe technicalities should overcome the sense the writer is trying to convey. Some technically correct solutions are so cumbersome they break the spell by taking the reader out of the story. Usually, the best solution is to rewrite the sentence entirely, but that sometimes creates other problems.

I have a good friend and fellow writer who was never very good with spelling and punctuation. He asked me one time if the technical stuff really mattered, since the writer must focus on content. I replied that the rules were part of our box of tools and after twenty or thirty years we should be able to use them. I noticed decided technical improvements in his work after that. These changes, in turn, led to crisper writing. Sharpening his tools paid off.

There are many good style guides, from the plain and simple “AP Style Book” to the dense and complex “Chicago Manual of Style.” Even when the rules seem unintelligible, you can usually find an example that matches the phrase you’re concerned about. E.B. White’s “Elements of Style” is another classic, more about elegant writing than technical style.

One of the problems for American writers with an English audience is the difference between English spelling and punctuation and American spelling and punctuation. Some of the differences, mostly in spelling, evolved over time (“colour” = “color”, “encyclopaedia” = “encyclopedia”). A few developed independently (automobile “boot” = automobile “trunk”).

The main differences, however, happened abruptly and deliberately. Have you ever wondered why American punctuation is the inverse of English? American usage begins with a double quotation mark, and any interior quote is a single quotation mark: “Jones said angrily, ‘I hate quotes within quotes!’ ” English usage is the opposite: ‘Jones said angrily, “I hate quotes within quotes!” ’ Another difference is that in English usage, a noun that has a plural sense takes a plural referent: “The government/they.” In American usage, the same word has a singular sense: “The government/it.”

The reason is purely arbitrary. After the Revolutionary War, American printers wanted protection from the more established and cost-efficient British publishers. In a patriotic and protectionist fervor, Americans established a style just different enough to keep British printers from winning U.S. print contracts. It was the literary equivalent of driving on the other side of the road.

(Originally, most nations used the left side of the road in order to have the (right-handed) sword hand in a protective position against people coming the other way. The U.S. switch to the right side related to Napoleon’s preference for the right, which shifted the continent in that direction, and to the larger freight wagons over here in the U.S., which favored a rider on the left rear horse. This person would have a whip in his right hand for the horses and would want to see oncoming traffic on his left, putting his wagon on the right.)

Back to language. In some cases, the arbitrariness of the grammatical rule frustrates sense.

Consider a mixed group of men and women asked a question, and no one knows the answer. Which should it be:

“Everyone shook his head in confusion.” grammatically correct but leaves out women

“Everyone shook her head in confusion.” grammatically correct but leaves out men

“Everyone shook their heads in confusion.” grammatically incorrect but correctly inclusive

Most “singular/he” constructions can be avoided by changing the noun to plural, something like “people/they.” This is one example of trying to write around the problem. Most grammarians say it is fine to use the “everyone/they” construction in informal usage, but not in formal usage. I would normally use “everyone/he” or “everyone/she” in nonfiction, depending on sense. Nonfiction wants to be rigorous. In the above example, I would use “everyone/they” in fiction. Why? Because in fiction, there’s a different kind of rigor, which is maintaining the spell of the scene. There is no good substitute for the word “everyone” in English. Try recasting the above sentence to “people” and you’ll see what I mean: “People shook their heads in confusion.” What people? Everyone!

Also, rewriting the section might create more awkwardness than it solves; and being the way most of us speak, “everyone/they” is far less intrusive to a reader who, you hope, is caught up in your story. If the only one who objects is a grammar freak, I’m OK with that. I know I would have tried every workaround beforehand.

There’s only one unbreakable grammatical rule: You can’t break a rule unless you fully understand it, know why it exists, and have a good reason to break it.

As an American, I use U.S. spelling and punctuation. I know the obvious differences between U.S. and UK style, but a UK publisher will be far more capable than I of properly dealing with the nuances. English and American readers buy the opposite editions all the time, and neither has any trouble reading the other’s punctuation and spelling style. The best thing is to be proper and consistent with whichever you use.

When writing from an English point of view, however, I avoid Americanisms. In writing about Austen, I have readers versed in both the Regency period and UK English review my work before I publish. I have been corrected in the American use of “fall” for “autumn,” “creek” for “brook,” and a few other such provincialisms. I was embarrassed to learn from an English friend that I used the American “momma” instead of the English “mama” near the end of Volume II of “The Marriage of Miss Jane Austen,” my novel on Austen’s life, after having used the correct form earlier. This was a late addition and suffered from the lack of vetting.

A few times, my intrepid early readers caught a few words they thought were anachronisms but were not. One flagged “administratrix” as modern technical, but it goes back to circa 1561. I follow a rule similar to that of Regina Jeffers, another Austen blogger, who will use a word if its documented use comes within ten or twenty years of the time she writes about. The rationale is that a word must have been circulating in speech for a while before it became part of the written lexicon. In my Austen trilogy, the character Ashton Dennis uses the word “stomp” in late 1802. The first known written use of the word was 1803. I decided that Ashton must have been the one to coin it.