#did not consult anyone before i wrote this so if smth is wrong i will simply edit it later

[ufasher]

i don’t know if i’m real. part 1.

content warnings: night terror, blood, gore, murder, suffocation, buried alive, confusing reality

his dreams are usually filled with hues of blue and green, scented with salty sea air while seafoam splashes paint his face with new freckles. he hears the cries of the gulls as they circle the docks, looking for scraps as the fishermen start to gut and clean the day’s catches. it’s home, or at least the parts of it he was allowed to venture out to as a child, his chubby little hand clutched tightly in his mother’s more graceful fingers. they’d stand on the edge of the beach and stare out at the sea while she told him stories of his father, of a handsome, charming pirate who swept her off of her feet. they’d look over the horizon as if trying to spot the black masts of his ship.

no one ever came.

but still, asher’s dreams tended to be peaceful, idyllic. it was the good parts of home, of his childhood. his mother’s gentle touches, her kind words, stories of adventure and heroes and a world much larger than the one asher was ever allowed to know. he would relax into the feeling, allowing himself to indulge in a time before he knew any struggle, before he started to look less like a child and more like a man, before his grandfather’s indifference turned to dislike, to hate.

the cries of the gulls bleed into the sound of the cries of a woman. asher looks up and sees his mother’s shoulders shaking, her face turned from him. “mama?” he calls, wary already. this is not how his dreams usually go. “are you alright?”

when she turns to him, it’s with red streaks of blood running down her cheeks, tears. her golden hair has taken on a dull, coarse look, her face looks pale and thin. asher can’t help but jerk his hand out of hers and take a startled step back. he’s no longer a child in this dream, suddenly eye to eye with his mother who looks more like a ghost than the woman he knew and loved for so many years. “mama?” he questions again, wondering if this woman truly is the same. her eyes are lifeless, bloodshot and glassy. they remind him of the eyes of the fish that the men on the dock bring home with him. no sooner does the thought go through his mind then he feels a hot slash across his face. he flinches, and when his eyes open again he sees the glint of steel and the woman’s head hanging on only by a thread.

asher gasps and his mother’s body lurches forward, falling onto him, heavier than a load of stone as it pins him against the sand. she’s cold, so cold, but her blood is hot where it flows onto him. her head lay next to his own, those same eyes still open, the bloody tears still painting her face. he can’t look away. he can’t scream, he can barely catch a breath with the way her unnaturally heavy corpse holds him down. he’s sinking, he realizes belatedly. the sand is rising around him, swallowing him up. the splash of the sea suddenly sounds like an evil cackle, a familiar sound suddenly so unfriendly that it makes his own blood run as cold as the corpse pinning him. sand and saltwater spill into his face. he coughs, and when he tries to gasp he can hardly take in a breath for the weight on his chest. 

am i dying?

he sits up straight, suddenly the beach and his mother and the screaming gulls have vanished. he’s covered in a thin layer of sweat, his legs are tangled up in the sleeping roll, but he can breathe. it comes in panicked gasps as he looks around, taking in the familiar campsite he and finn had pitched for the night. it was just a dream, he tells himself, willing his heartbeat to stop pounding in his ears. for some reason, he looks for finn’s sleeping form, looking for the reflection of the last dying embers of their fire off of the other man’s body.

finn’s not there.

“finn?” asher calls out, voice hoarse and mouth unusually dry. silence answers him. he hears it then and it probably unnerves him more than anything else he could have heard: pure silence. no chirping of crickets, no rustling of wind in the trees, not the faint skitter scatter of small nocturnal animals going about their nightly business. nothing. a sense of dread overtakes asher; it feels like the whole world is holding its breath, hiding from some unknown predator that will bite, kill, destroy everything it can get its famished teeth on. asher feels like he should hide too, but as he looks around he realizes he has no where to go.

he’s going to kill you, you know.

the voice comes from somewhere inside his head, sounding eerily like his grandfather’s own words. asher freezes in place. “who’s there?” he whispers into the night. no one answers.

he’ll kill you. anyone would, for the right price.

he swears that he hears a chuckle in the voice in his head, he can feel his grandfather’s cold smile tickle the inside of his skull. asher suddenly feels cold, so cold that even crawling closer to the remnants of their fire could do nothing to drown it out. his instinct has never been to stand and fight. he never properly learned how, first of all. despite finn helping him to learn better swordsmanship recently, he knows he’s no match against anyone who knows what they’re doing. 

“who’s going to kill me?” asher plucks up his courage and calls out to the void.

finn knows what he’s doing. finn knows everything asher knows, all of his bad habits and preferred tendencies. if he truly is going to kill him, asher has no means of defending himself. the thoughts cross his mind without his own consent, seemingly of their own accord. is that the voice’s answer?

his breath catches as a sharp pain blossoms through his center, taking his breath away. he chokes on the one he was trying to take as he looks down, seeing the glint of steel poking through his own chest. a sword, he realizes distantly. he’s been stabbed entirely through, like a skewer of meat. he turns his head, looking for the owner of the blade forced through his back. finn’s face is there. but his eyes are as cold and dead as his mother’s had been in the dream. asher wants to ask, to plead despite it being too late: finn. why? but the other man’s hand turns, twisting the blade painfully in a way that makes asher wish that death had come to him sooner.

again, he wakes up with a gasp. again, he’s sitting upright at the campsite. he fumbles with the strings on his shirt, pulling open the top to see for himself that there’s no silver glint of a sword running through him. no new blemish marks his chest, though the phantom pain haunts him still. his chest heaves, taking in the breaths that he thought that he couldn’t just moments ago. he looks out through the darkness. finn is asleep where he is supposed to be. the noises of the woods titter on as if they hadn’t been completely silent for a moment.

“it was just a dream,” asher whispers to himself, closing up the front of his shirt again and reaching down for a blanket to wrap around himself, the cold night chill brushing against the panicked sweat on his skin and making him shiver. “it was just a dream,” he repeats again, the way his mother used to when he had nightmares as a child. it felt so real. it was just a dream.

he’s going to kill you, you know.

it’s just an echo, not like the voice that had been so loud in the dream. a memory. asher can’t help but stare at finn, asleep, unthreatening, and wonder for a moment if it would be true. no, he shakes his head as if banishing the thought. finn wouldn’t. he’s had plenty of opportunities to kill him if he wanted to. he asked him to come to etlia with him. they’re friends. they’re traveling companions. finn wouldn’t.

he repeats it to himself over and over again. but he’s never fully soothed by the thought, the dream lingering with him. is he even sure that he’s awake this time? asher can’t tell. he thinks he is, but he doesn’t care to test it. he stays like that, sitting upright huddled under a blanket, until the sun starts to creep over the horizon. only then, when the world is painted gold and red, does he believe that he’s truly awake.

[muwur]

could i request an -oikawa-kuroo-suga- headcanons for a partner with autism/adhd? (autism and adhd in girls can be like, real hard to write if you dont have it or know someone who does so its 100% okay to say no wididnejfufhejrr) especially with like, being embarrassed about stimming in front of them or dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as a symptom 😗👉👈 thank yooooooooooou i owe u my liyef

haikyuu + s/o with autism/adhd headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for oikawa, kuroo, suga & tendou

❧ gn reader

✎ 1.3k words

a/n: i got u b! this is wut im here for, to help u feel a lil represented 😌 also ik u a special fren of mine so hehe here u go (happy birthday soon btw c; ily i hope you enjoy pls feel free to lmk if there’s smth youd like me to change ♡)! aLsO pLEASePLEAseplEASe anyone let me know if there is something I wrote in this that doesn’t sit well with you. as someone who does not have autism/adhd or has had much experience around people who do, i cannot portray it accurately. i do not intend to misrepresent anyone’s experiences. i love and care for you all; the last thing i want to do is hurt or offend anyone. thankfully anon + the internet were great sources for me to try to understand things better. tho that is not to say i can fully comprehend these conditions (cuz i never can unless i experience it myself)

n e ways, u r all loveli n i hope ur having an amazing day <3

just wanna preface that these bois would love anyone for who they are, and would do their best to support you in whatever ways possible <3

oikawa

✧ oikawa had been replying consistently to your messages before suddenly disappearing with no explanation,,,

✧ at first it seemed like nothing, but after several hours and follow up texts from yourself, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he just didn’t want to reply to you

✧ maybe he didn’t even like you anymore

✧ fear that every moment you shared together meant nothing settled in the pit of your stomach

✧ a while later you received a phone call from a very apologetic oikawa, who was explaining that he dropped his phone in the bowl of ramen he was eating and had to go to the store and wait for hours before finally getting a new one and--

✧ “a-are you crying? hey, what’s wrong? i’m sorry i was gone for so long. i’m here now.”

✧ will definitely come over immediately to give you reassuring cuddles

✧ “you mean the world to me. i never want to hurt you, and i never want to leave you, either.”

✧ makes sure to communicate very clearly with you to reassure you what he really means

✧ always reminding you how much he cares about you to reinforce in your head that he’s always going to be there for you

✧ does self-care days with you to destress because life is tough (*cue selfies with face masks and laying in bed for hours with each other’s comforting presence*)

✧ very quick to defend and protect you from people who hurt you. will ask, “excuse me, can i help you?” with a piercing glare that’ll get anyone to back down

✧ gives you constant reassurance about your stimming

✧ helps you interpret social cues and situations, gives you tips on how to handle your interactions with others and in under circumstances (as well as how to remain calm in your own mind)

✧ practices positive self-talk with you because he wants to help you see how great you are

✧ anyone who doesn’t see it is at a loss and is irrelevant, they don’t exist in oikawa’s book 💅

kuroo

✧ always educating himself so he knows how to be helpful

✧ unintentionally embarrassed you once by asking what you were doing when he caught you stimming once (which was when he found out about it)

✧ he was genuinely curious and meant no harm, and he apologized for bringing it up how he did

✧ however, he was glad he asked you so that he could be informed and reassure you that stimming is okay. he understands the importance of it and he’d prefer you have something to help you self-soothe. no judgment here, this is a safe space

✧ takes mental notes on all your favorite stims (verbal, visual, tactile, oral, proprioception, etc)

✧ even discovers new stims for you to try and buys you things to help with them (“here, this is a fidget spinner, y/n” or “you know they make CHEWABLE JEWLERY? they call it CHEWELRY. that’s genius. *typing on phone* what colors do you like, babe?” )

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings and find additional coping strategies (“let’s try this neat breathing technique i learned about today!”)

✧ saves you from overwhelming situations (ie. pulling you out of a crowd, shutting down really noisy things, giving you space to clear your head and breathe)

✧ ruffles your hair as a sign of affection and calls you cute nicknames

✧ helps you study, make plans, and stay organized. tries to keep things interesting and interactive so you don’t lose interest/find it boring

✧ when you’re having an especially hard time focusing, he’ll pull you aside for a relaxing break like talking a small walk, watching an episode of y’alls favorite show, sharing a snack, playing a game, looking at memes or tik tok, chatting, etc

✧ makes sure to validate your feelings first and acknowledge your concerns before giving you his thoughts

✧ helps you view situations from a different perspective so you don’t assume rejection from others. when there is some form of rejection, he’s there to help you cope with the emotions 

✧ gives you a lot of hugs when you’re feeling dejected and lonely, reminding you he’ll never leave your side 

sugawara

✧ he’s quite perceptive, so when he noticed your unease, he asked you about it

✧ embarrassed but not wanting to lie, especially to suga, you admitted to being afraid of stimming around him and that you had been trying to hold back from it (even if it was hard)

✧ his eyes immediately soften as he tells you that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it

✧ he just wants you to be yourself and feel comfortable

✧ learns about all of your stims. totally supports and normalizes them (however, if they’re ever self-injurous, he’ll do research and consult expert help to redirect the behavior)

✧ will absolutely take good care of you, he’s not sugamama for no reason

✧ a great listener! always hearing you out when you talk about your passions and interests

✧ wants you to express yourself however you can because he understands communication may not always be easy (reminder that communication and expression aren’t always verbal!)

✧ praises you and hypes you up all the time, going on about how there’s so much about you he loves

✧ has the most soothing voice ever. will whisper you sweet, reassuring words to calm and ease your mind

✧ will even just hum for you. lit rally anything. the suga juke box varies from lullabies to funky fresh songs

✧ very patient and will support you when you feel upset, frustrated, and/or have outbursts

✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings, but never pressures you. shares his own thoughts and feelings to help you open up, asks you thoughtful questions

✧ may be ultimate soft boi but gives anyone the look™ if they even just stare, and goes feral if someone’s ever rude to you in any way, calls them tf out and is #satisfied when he gets them to apologize

✧ also helps you study and be organized! good at creating schedules and encouraging you to stick with them

✧ constantly making sure you eat sufficient meals 😋 and get enough rest 😴 will nag you until you do

tendou

✧ MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE ALL THE STIMULATION YOU NEED, says it’s an opportunity to give each other mutual attention and bond

✧ but will also provide you an outlet for just relaxing and unwinding

✧ will talk to you for hours and hours about your favorite shows/movies/books

✧ BINGES THEM WITH YOU

✧ always treating you to your favorite snacks/flavors and discovering new things for you to try that will match your taste/texture preferences (only the best for u 😌)

✧ curious about how stims make you feel and asks you to describe those sensations to him  

✧ thinks it’s super cool when you can finish his sentences for him,,, cuz it’s like y’all on the same wavelength (you gellll)

✧ if anyone made you feel bad,,, o boy

✧ tendou would intimidate them to the point he would probably appear in their nightmares ffegjegk this is why you don’t fuck with this man or those who cares about 

✧ king of spontaneity and asks if you’re down to do the most random things

✧ “let’s buy a trampoline”

✧ *2 am* “you down for some fries and dip? and by dip i mean m i l k s h a k e s”

✧ of course he’ll never suggest things he knows you would be uncomfortable with. never puts you in a stressful situation and always makes sure you’re enjoying yourself

✧ invites you everywhere and makes sure you feel included. always by your side!

✧ squeezes your hand whenever he can tell you’re feeling anxious

✧ if you feel anxious about trying new things, he’s there to encourage you! recounts all the positive aspects 

✧ but if you’re really excited to try something, you bet he’ll match your excitement

✧ a very good listener. empathizes a lot with being misunderstood or seen as “different,” and is therefore a major source of comfort

✧ constantly showing you how to be yourself and that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it, cuz that’s who he fell in love with