#did everyone suddenly forget Alec killing a greater demon

[im-out-of-it]

part 24 (I will fucking scream if this turns into 50 parts lmao) of season 2, episode 18 “awake, arise, and be forever fallen” continued jace being dumb as fuck

170. CAN I HUG MAIA NOW

171. doing a happy one of Maia + Simon (they deserve all the happiness)

172. I don’t like seeing my girl sad

173. I’m not sure what story Simon was expecting but he definitely wasn’t expecting my girlfriend got abused by her possessive insane psycho ex who turned her into a werewolf and left her alone to deal with her transformations without any support kind of story

174. our favorite they really aren’t dating but want them to date friends bonding

175. Clary: I’m solving this by myself bitches

176. I’m not saying I needed Izzy and clary to date but they have some chemistry and it would’ve been nice for the show to take some fucking risks for once. but I guess they did that by making Malec the stars lmao

177. ugh fuck, he’s back. Jonathon is like he thinks he can kill me lmao

jonathon: OH CUTE HE THINKS HE CAN EASILY TAKE ME IN HIS CHILDISH DREAMS

178. I’m not saying that jace can’t kill jonathon but what it comes down to is looking at things fairly. over here at let’s bond over show Malec and hate clace discussion lists bitchfest and shitposting LLC, I try to be fair on all counts. I look at each and every side as much as possible. so in order to do that, you have to be willing to admit everyone’s strengths and weaknesses

179. Jonathon was trained in Hell. LITERALLY FUCKING HELL. he was also trained by valentine, a mass murderer who cares for no one but his own visions. (no one ever gave jonathon good positive role models. he was only trained to use his strength for killing) Jace was trained by valentine but also the lightwoods aka hodge for a time. yeah he has talent but jace doesn’t use his brain. he’s so quick to think that he’s the best because that’s what’s everyone tells him. I doubt growing up with Alec and Izzy besides Alec, no one ever told him “hey Jace you’re actually not that great and the only reason you still live is because Alec had to babysit your risky ass” like I seriously doubt it and I’m sure Alec joked with him but I sincerely doubt anyone ever meant it

180. so while I do think jace could beat Jonathan, he’s so quick in thinking he doesn’t have any weaknesses unless you count clary. everyone acts as if he’s the best soldier even though we all know he would be dead if Alec didn’t exist or care. but jonathon can be cocky as well. but I wouldn’t say he’s as cocky as jace is. he didn’t really have people in his ear telling him he’s the best or constantly saving his ass. I do think jonathon thinks he’s also the best but it doesn’t come off as aggressive as when jace does it. Jonathon saves himself unless you count Lilith in season three. and these two psycho men have so much in common but act like the other is completely different. you have to admit that jace and jonathon have similarities which shine more in the books

181. also speaking about the books, it’s been years since I’ve read them and I honestly can’t remember if Maia talks much about Jordan but I do remember the whole thing being kind of swept over. I also remember Izzy being great there. but it’s still done a bit better in the show- I still can’t sand the lets redeem Jordan because frankly, he doesn’t deserve it (I think she more doesn’t want to date him in the books so I may have this switched but I blocked those traumatic ass books from my memory for a reason)

182. the funny thing about this discussion with jonathon and jace is the fact that jace thinks out of all the millions in the world that only he can kill jonathon. does nobody remember when Alec killed a greater demon???????? A FUCKING PRINCE OF HELL????? someone who even jonathon said was extremely impossible to do SOMETHING Alec accomplished without difficulty

183. Jace clearly thinks he’s the best and a lot of the times he acts like Alec doesn’t exist. we all know he wants to kill jonathon mainly so he can have clary to himself and so he can be out of clary’s life

184. but let’s not forget when Alec killed a prince of hell who ranks higher than a demonic shadowhunter. princes of hell are on the highest levels of demons. we all love Magnus but he’s a son of a prince of hell. I would imagine Magnus is slightly more powerful than a shadowhunter who has demon blood

185. but of course leave it up to everyone to make jace feel as he’s the strongest more capable shadowhunter out there. yes he lived with Valentine for 10 years but jace is incapable of following orders and does what he wants in the moment. even if Alec said don’t do this, jace is still going to do what HE WANTS. and HE THINKS he’s the only one capable of killing jonathon. motherfucker couldn’t even kill Valentine in season one (which I get he thought valentine was his father) but point is, he’s not as great as he seems to think he is

186. AND THE FUNNIEST PART FOR ME IS HE FALLS FOR THE DUMBEST SHIT

186. A TEXT MESSAGE. he could’ve called Alec and asked hey is max really dead but he falls for the dumbest shit possible. I get why he’s scared (even though he couldn’t give two shits about max before any of this) but it’s just another example of how jace doesn’t think, he just acts

so I’m stopping at 188 and I think that’s all the completed parts I can get today with 15 minutes remaining and we still have a lot of ground to cover. mainly Malecs breakup but I’m going to at least start another one and then do more tomorrow. hopefully y’all are having fun and aren’t mad at me for doing too much but if you are, I’m not saying sorry because now you got to see more content so you’re welcome 😇 (I lowkey am sorry) see y’all soon 🥹

[takaraphoenix]

Shadowhunters Finale Review

...I can’t even summarize my thoughts properly right now because I am just so wildly exhausted and disappointed and frustrated, so here’s the unfiltered running commentary I made during the two-parter, sorted by characters and due to length beneath the cut:

On Jonathan:

Jonathan back at it again, killing flowers. ~puuure eeeviiil~ (Sorry. Still not over Jocelyn being a fucking dickhead who is ready to murder her son over one dead flower he killed as a toddler...)

...I just... I'm so tired of what they did with Jonathan? When they set him up as Sebastian Verlac, he seemed to layered, but this season, they are completely reducing him to the Incest Boi whose only motivation is “Clary doesn't love me enough!” and absolutely no one has even half a fuck to give about everything he has suffered...? Every abuse that is driving him and forged him...?

He could have been such a layered character. I'm not even talking redemption wise, to use the abuse to make him A Good Boi, but he could have been such an interesting villain, there could have been so much to him. This is stupid and sad.

But I am chocking on my laughter at the Seelie Queen literally teaching him WHAT HE COULDA BEEN TAUGHT FROM THE GET GO. To channel his powers. Granted, she channels them into killing Shadowhunters. But they could have been channeled into killing demons.

With the right parent, the right training, without living in hell and being tortured, he could have been an exceptional Shadowhunter. But let's pretend that he is Truly Inherently Evil only because of his demon blood and hey it's legit because he wants to bang his sister so who cares about this guy LOL.

HOLY SHIT THEY REALLY MADE CLARY MURDER HIM WITH A HUG. What a fucking way to go. I don't... I don't even know what to say to that to be honest.

On Clary:

WHAT THE FUCK HAS SHE DONE??

“How do I come back after everything I've done”. What. What line is that. That's the line they could have given Jace in the first episode of 3B. You know, the guy who saw his own body commit 30+ murders, among them the murder of his own grandmother.

What... What's that everything Clary has done? Dress hotter than usual? Go to a rave? Try some Seelie drugs? Sure she killed Lenaia, but that was also a chick she didn't even know and so far she's not been very traumatized by like – killing her own biological father (seriously, the writers never bothered to give her a genuine reaction to that). Way to be overdramatic, writers.

Shitty Ex Machina Rune's existence aside; WHY does the Ex Machina Rune work?? RUNES DON'T WORK ON DOWNWORLDERS. That was like a whole thing in season 1. They kill mundies and they don't work on Downworlders?? Why the fuck is Clary allowed to play – not just an angel but an actual god at this point.

(But y'all know I am going to use this shitty dumb stupid rune in so many fanfiction.)

...But like holy shit. It is so callous to have her say that she wouldn't trade the Shadow World for anything and that “and I met Jace” like he brought all light into her life when the Shadow World killed her mother. Have the writers just completely forgotten that a month ago she lost her mother, her only biological family left?? Ah but it's totally fine because she has Jace now!!! And even though we literally started the episode off with her being devastated and wondering how she will ever come back after everything she has done, they are now only half an hour later already forgetting that she has just gone through major trauma, that she murdered her own father, that she lost her mother? But oh the Shadow World is super awesome, wouldn't wanna trade those past two, utterly traumatizing months for anything!!! Not even for my mom being alive LOL! Just... do the writers even care about the characters? At all?

HOLY FUCKING GODS THEY REMEMBERED JOCELYN. FUCK THIS IS RIDICULOUS ESPECIALLY AFTER HER CONVERSATION WITH SIMON IN EDOM. I am baffled. But I am 100% behind Jocelyn's message because Clary has been a scary motherfucker all this season now with all the things she has done and the rule-breaking. Fuck yeah she shouldn't be allowed to play God, which she DOES at this point.

But like, on a scale of 1 to 10 how dumb did they have to make Clary? Out of all of the ways she could have killed Jonathan, they decided “Nah man she is totally giving up her Shadowhunter self to hug her brother to death” instead of having Miss Stabby-Stab-Stab pull out a dagger and stab him to death? She literallly just got the warning and decides “LOL nope this is how I go out”. What---

There is a huge difference between a character sacrificing themselves for the greater good because there was 100% no other way and a character somehow turning a completely manageable situation into a self-sacrifice that is completely unnecessary... She could have just stabbed him. Or, you know, captured him with a trick instead of murdering. She could have stayed a Shadowhunter without using the Deus Ex Machina runes, living like a normal Shadowhunter. But they really made her go “If I can't play god, I'd rather give up the Shadow World”.

What the fuck even was that “One Year Later”. They literally just wasted a whole year since C/ace reuniting had zero negative effect on her? She didn't combust or anything. They could have literally went after her the day of the wedding, explained amnesia to her and brought her back. But the writers had to be dramatic bitches that put Jace through hell again, huh.

And what exactly did she believe happened? Like, Jocelyn and Luke and Simon?? Basically everyone she ever knew? What did she think happened to them and to herself? She just decided to go back to art school or what? Did they even think about this ending?

Honestly. It'd have been better had they actually Donna Nobled her and said she can never remember and has to be a mundie. But this? This year gap and bullshit and C/ace looking at each other and she suddenly remembers his name because True Love Wins? That makes it even dumber.

On Jace & Meliorn: (I'm trying to give each character their own for the finale, but... I can't separate those two in this case)

THAT STARTLED LITTLE BACKING OFF JACE DOES WHEN MELIORN TAKES IT TO THE BEDROOM. If that wasn't a coming on from Meliorn, I don't know what is. I am definitely living for this little bit of Jeliorn because that was a ship I was sure I'd never get to see proper interactions of. So, small blessings.

Hng. Jace can't lie. How pretty. Seriously his bond with Meliorn is like the saving grace from all of this. And how much fun Meliorn is having with this. Oh my gods my shipper heart is soaring.

SERIOUSLY I AM LIVING FOR THIS. “A serious question. How handsome do you think I am?” WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT. Because you want to let my shipper-heart beat some. Thank you, Meliorn, personally, for my life. (Not to mention the answer. A NINE?? Jace. You so pansexual and into handsome Downworlders. It's canon now and I am blessed.)

I'm just absolutely living for Jace getting to interact with a non-Clary and a non-Alec (especially since all of his Alec-interactions this half-season have only been about Ma/ec...). It's... so refreshing to see them use Jace as... a character... instead of a prop. Even if he's played as a comic relief, I am taking so much more from this.

(ALSO: Jimon sparring! Jimon sparring and JACE BOOPING SIMON'S NOSE WHAT THE FUCK.)

On Alec:

What's with Maryse telling him to “take time to mourn”? What the fuck is that? XD He has literally been in Edom and gone back too. There's always been ways in and out. You're sure fast to bury him.

But also, maybe Alec should focus on the way to bring Magnus back instead of planning this fucking stupid wedding. You'd need your groom first.

Tonight. They're literally... I am weeping at how stupid this is. They got engaged yesterday and are getting married today. I had... actual, dumb hopes that the wedding would happen after a time skip. But I forgot this show doesn't know what time is. Ahahaha. Hilarious.

But holy shit am I angry about him being all dodgy and asking Maryse's permission to invite his own father to his wedding. Like. I am very rationally angry about the fact that all the kids sided with their abusive mother over their father, but that they are really all just treating him like that now is insane. Sure, he cheated on their mother, but he is still their father?? He has still been their father and he has been the good parent. If you can forgive Maryse's abuse just like that, how do you hold Robert cheating on Maryse over him like that? This is absolutely insane. What kind of priorities do those writers have to fuck it up this badly? Like the “oh no dad cheated on you let us all comfort you and totally forget the shitty way you have been treating your children!!!” wasn't bad enough on its own, but that they are completely acting like Robert was not just the cheating husband but somehow also the bad parent now? If this is where the show wanted to end it, they should have from the get-go also written him as the bad parent and her as the good parent, then I'd understand this, I'd understand the taking sides thing, the way they all completely turned away from Robert, the way Maryse blossomed and turned into an entirely different character. That ALL would make sense IF they hadn't decided in the first season and in 2B to write Robert as the warm rather and Maryse as the cold and abusive mother. The starting points and end points don't match.

On Magnus:

Magnus. On that throne. In that light. Now that's a look, to be honest.

Also, awkward conversations with the stepmother are very amusing. :D” (But, honestly, Anna and Harry playing off each other is really great. They play the power-dynamic really fascinating.)

Magnus being like “Well no need to close the door if we burn down the place right?” is a mood. It's so stupid and ridiculous, but like it's right. XD”

I'm glad Magnus at least said thank you to Lorenzo and even invited him to the wedding.

I genuinely don't know how to react to “High Warlock of Alicante” to be honest. Like. I don'T know what to say to that.

On Maia:

...I'd like to live in the alternate reality where Maia was more than just her relationships to boys. I'm still let down by the fact that the one (1) badass shot she got in the trailer was literally her walking away from Jordan's funeral fire, with her other ex and her future boyfriend flanking her from either side. If that doesn't summarize this show, I don't know what does.

And while I admire her decision to reconnect with her parents, it also seems rather messed up considering she literally just decided to be The Alpha. So let's leave the pack that has suffered so many recent losses... all alone. That's... not exactly Alpha behavior, even if it is the right thing for her as an individual at that point.

I mean like yeah sure she came back to become an Alpha, but still it's—a weird choice.

BAT BAT EXISTS BAT IS THERE I LOVE BAT HE GOT TO SPEAK. I am so so salty that he didn't get developed properly, that his relationship with Maia didn't get fully fleshed out.

On Isabelle & Simon:

Isabelle as the Human Torch is sure a very nice visual, to be honest.

(ALSO HELEN! HELEN! HELEN! I am 200% sure I can ship Aline/Helen/Isabelle in peace now. Don't @ me.) Though explain to me why Helen doesn't get the fuck away from Isabelle ASAP after realizing that Downworlders turn Isabelle into basically a bomb? I mean, she is half-Seelie.

...and can everyone maybe focus on “Izzy now catches fire when she is touching Downworlders” instead of “SHE WAS KISSING SIMON!!!”...? Like, priorities, dudes?

And how did she conclude “I explore when I touch demon blood. I should totally go to Edom! The place where demons live!”... and act like that should totally “”shield”” her from the atmosphere? What... logic goes into that? I'm serious, someone explain to me why “I explode when I come in contact with demonic stuff” leads to “but I'ma be extra safe in hell where all demonic things live and the very atmosphere should be demonic!!!”...

And Simon and Isabelle... kiss once... like... literally once and the next time they get a moment of being shown alone they literally already fucked. This show... knows that... you can actually go on dates and have a relationship with... oh no never mind this show has never heard the word “pacing” before I forgot sorry LOL

On Luke:

...But like why did his runes return though. I mean, getting turned into a Downworlder like... burned the runes away. They were gone. Why would him no longer being a Downworlder also immediately reapply all of his runes.

I don't know if I really like this, to be quite honest. I don't feel like we know enough about Luke for me to know what to feel about this? Like, he said he didn't want to be alpha and he's been turned against his will sure, but he's been a wolf for like 20 years now. It's... I don't know what to feel on this. Like, he seems really happy about this, but it also feels incredibly cheap due to the show never actually focusing on his thoughts and feelings??

Okay no now that I'm through with it I actually actively hate it. He should have become mundie. Erase it all. Let him live a mundie life with Clary.

On Lorenzo:

I love how Lorenzo brings up the Downworld Council. SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT TOO. What the fuck happened to that. But nope, SoRrY Lorenzo you are just here to save Magnus. Again. (Others too, but still. It's once again for selfish reasons of helping the Shadowhunters with shit.)

I really like where they took his character. I thought he was just going to be a shallow prop to take Magnus down. Petty and empty. But that they actually give him growth and personality and a personal goal and that they also made him rekindle with Magnus after admitting what he truly wants? That was... actually good. That was more than I ever expected from those writers. Huh.

ALSO FUCK ME I AM 100% BEHIND LORENZO/UNDERHILL.

On Max:

MAAAAX!!! MAX WITH GLASSES! MAX BEING PRECIOUS! He is literally the only thing about episode 22 that I liked. Like that entire final episode was a fucking shit-show.

On Raphael:

Honestly at this point just fuck this show. It is his father’s wedding and he is a mundane. But let’s just have him interact with his ex and her new guy so he can give them his blessing instead of having him actually interact with Magnus.

[adorealeclightwood]

Alec in 3x07 and 3x08.

Good evening my lovelies. 

Let’s jump right into this. 

[NOTE: For clarity purposes, I’ll be referring to possessed Jace as “Not-Jace”, and the real Jace as Jace. Does that make sense? I hope so.]

3x07.

Alright, so last week, we reached a climax to what some of us thought was one of the biggest “what the fuck is going to happen” moments thus far. 

Clary told Alec about the wish! 

Now, I know I said I wanted him to be mad, and give her the silent treatment, and blah blah blah, but guess what? After that episode, I went back to watch some things over again, remember what kind of person Alec is and... *drumroll*

I reevaluated my stance. 

Of course Alec wasn’t angry, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how wrong I was to assume that he would be. She used the wish to bring back someone she loved, and he would’ve done the exact same thing if he’d been in her position. There’s been a lot of talk about Magnus specifically, but this includes more than just him, guys. 

If Alec had been at that lake with anyone - Magnus, Jace, Izzy, Maryse - he would’ve done the same thing, because Alec will bend and break every rule when it comes to those that he loves. 

Now, before I get into the emotional shit, I want to talk about 3x07 some more. 

If you weren’t aware (which I doubt), Alec has some serious issues with internalized guilt, meaning he has a tendency to take responsibility/blame himself for things that are out of his control. (The example that comes to mind when I think of this is his conversation with Jace on the roof in 2x05.) 

Naturally, when Alec found out Jace was the owl, I was worried, because I knew he’d find a way to blame himself. “I should’ve paid more attention”, “I should’ve pressed harder”, “I should’ve known he was lying about the treatment”. These are all things I’m sure went through his mind at one point, and while it’s normal to feel like you could’ve done more, or caught onto the little things, those thoughts can quickly cause someone to become self-destructive. In Alec’s case, I was concerned he’d want to punish himself more than anything, because again, this is how he functions. 

That being said, the relief I felt when he didn’t do any of those things was immeasurable. He let everything sink in, hugged Clary - who I’m beginning to like more and more - and was ready to do whatever it takes to save his parabatai. (I know some of you guys have issues with that, but I said what I said). 

Now, onto another pressing matter: Malec. 

I basically predicted that entire scene here, and the more I went back and rewatched it, the more content I became. While I’m still waiting for them to have that special talk and iron things out, I’m happy they were able to squash it for the time being. Here’s why. 

You guys are never going to believe this, but...when you get into a fight, or have a disagreement with someone you love, life doesn’t come to a halt. Shit doesn’t suddenly cease to hit the fan because you’re having a lovers quarrel. When we see a couple like Malec, we don’t want them to have issues. We don’t want them to argue, or raise their voices, or feel pain, or be insecure, and when they do, we want everyone and everything to shut up and sit down until they can work things out. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, and you should be glad they don’t. (Can you imagine how boring that would be?) 

When you analyze things objectively - like I try to do here - you have to look at the big picture, and it isn’t always pretty. It’s the same way in real life. There are going to be days when your boyfriend makes you so mad, you want to break his kneecaps, but you can’t do that, because you have to hang up the phone and get back to work. You can’t afford to take a minute to breathe. There are going to be times where your wife makes a comment out of anger, and it’s going to echo in the back of your head for a week, but your in-laws are in town, and you don’t want them to see you guys fighting. I could come up with scenarios for days, but my point is, life gets in the way sometimes. Whether it’s work, school, kids, family, or something else, you won’t always be able to sit down and take care of things the way you want, when you want. That goes for everyone, including Malec. 

They apologized to one another, and put the entire thing on pause for now. Is it a perfect solution? No. Is it permanent? No. Was it suitable given their current predicament? Yes. 

Magnus Bane isn’t petty enough to continue fighting with the man he loves when that man’s parabatai is being controlled by an evil bitch, and Alexander Lightwood isn’t stubborn enough to rehash that same fight when the man he loves is clearly feeling guilty about having played a small part in what’s happening to his parabatai. No one’s pointing any fingers, no one’s bitter, and no one’s adding insult to injury. 

Moving on. 

Alec, Clary, and Izzy head to Alicante, and two seconds after the Inquisitor learns Jace has been “compromised”, she wanted to know how it happened.

Honestly, I had the urge to tell her to stop being so damn nosy and help them help her grandson, but I digress. 

Alec comes through with a quick save, because when in doubt, deny knowing anything and get to the point. In this case, it doesn’t matter what they say, because Imogen is ready to put out a kill order (since that worked out so well when Aldertree did it). Alec is clearly not having that - he’d rather catch Jace like a Pokemon and fix him afterwards, which is totally reasonable, because when has Alec ever been content with anything bad happening to Jace? 

Then, we got to see him be a great distraction while Imogen took Izzy and Clary to the armory. Homeboy didn’t stutter or freeze up once. Are you proud? I’m proud. 

I was nervous when we got to the scene in the graveyard, because I was under the impression it’d be a lot harder to trap Jace, but thankfully, there was no fight, so I stopped sweating.

Anddd, then they got back to the loft, Not-Jace was talking shit, but it didn’t matter, because at least he was trapped in the configuration and not out ruining lives, right? Right. 

3x08. 

OKAY. IF YOU HAVEN’T GRABBED A SNACK OR A DRINK BY NOW, GO DO THAT. 

This episode. This fucking episode. 

If you read my review, you know I was in my feelings about 98% of the time.

Three minutes into the episode, Not-Jace is talking shit again, and Alec is neither fazed nor impressed. The person staring back at him may look and sound like Jace, but he knows it isn’t.  

Case in point: “You are not our brother, and don’t get too comfortable, because we’re gonna bring him back.”

Word. 

Not-Jace proceeds to talk more shit, but Magnus pops in and confirms what we already know, because Magnus is a smart bean who knows better than to listen to the ramblings of a boy possessed by the queen of Edom. He’s only saying those things to get under their skin - pay him no mind. 

Then, a bomb drops. 

“I just prefer not to coddle your latest soldier boyfriend.”

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. 

Magnus glances at Alec, and Alec narrows his eyes in suspicion. Why? 

He never told Jace about the box, or anything having to do with his relationship with Magnus this season. 

As soon as he walked out in the middle of breakfast back in 3x06, who did he go to? Izzy, because she’s the one he talks to about things like that, not Jace. Never Jace, because they don’t talk about those things. (The only time I can remember them discussing relationships was in 1x12 when Jace was felt sick for kissing Clary and acknowledging that he wanted her after finding out they were “siblings”, and again in 2x10 when Alec asked if Jace was going to tell her that they weren’t. Aside from that, they usually avoid the subject.) 

A few minutes later, the group moves to another room to come up with a plan, and as soon as they get one, Alec makes sure to let everyone know that Jace’s possession has to stay between them, because if word gets out that a Shadowhunter’s been possessed by a greater demon, they’re going to want to know how and why, like Imogen. Clary’s covering their asses, so the least he can do is cover hers. This is loyalty. This is the man we stan. 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the friendship we deserve.

Side note: Matthew was moving his hand while he said that line, and it reminded me of all those times Dom pointed out how much he talks with them. I thought it was cute. 

CUT TO THE BALCONY SCENE. 

Magnus pulls Alec aside to tell him how they can save Jace, and before he can even finish, Alec says he’s in, because why wouldn’t he be? This is Jace we’re talking about, keep up. He’d never hesitate to save him. Magnus then proceeds to explain how serious this is, and what the stakes are, but it doesn’t change anything. This is something Alec feels he needs to do, and Magnus understands, because he knows how much Jace means to him. 

This is important. 

When Alec says “without him, I’m nothing”, he’s not disregarding his feelings for Magnus, or somehow insinuating that he loves Jace more. As viewers, it’s easy to forget that our perception is different than that of the characters. Despite the events of this season, and previous seasons, Alec still perceives Jace as his parabatai. A piece of his soul. Saying he’s nothing without Jace isn’t taking away from his self-worth in any way, nor is it demeaning his relationship with Magnus. This is simply Alec stating how he’d feel if he were to lose Jace for good. News flash: he’s allowed to do that. Magnus knows this, and that’s why he doesn’t get upset, or take offense to it. He can see that Alec’s mind is made up, and he’s all in, on one condition: Alec isn’t going in alone. 

I loved this scene because it was so...I don’t even know how to describe it, and there’s a thesaurus less than two feet away from me right now. The way Matthew keeps that stern look on his face, because Alec can’t fall apart right now. Alec can’t panic, or think about the fact that he could become one of Lilith’s victims as well - the only thing Alec can do is take initiative and try to save his parabatai because that is what Alec Lightwood does. He has to do this, because if he doesn’t, and something happens to Jace, he will never forgive himself for not trying. Then, they hold hands, and it’s heartwarming because you never know how comforting a simple touch can be until you’re already touching. Magnus is already thinking ahead, and considering the possibility of losing Alec in the process of getting Jace back, and Alec takes his hands, because they can’t think like that - not now. 

In the same scene, you could also say this is another way Alec is showing that he trusts Magnus with his life. If it had been any other warlock in this situation telling Alec that Lilith could easily get her hands on him, he may have taken a few seconds to reconsider, or want some time to come up with twelve backup plans just in case, but this isn’t just any warlock he’s talking to. This is Magnus Bane, the love of his life. The man who’d never let anything happen to him. 

I’m swooning. 

Then, we learn that when Magnus said Alec wasn’t going in alone, he wasn’t talking about going with him. He meant he’d be sending Izzy along for the ride. As expected, he doesn’t want his baby sister in danger, but then, she’s kind enough to remind him of the not-so-light coma he slipped into the last time he tried to save Jace alone. Jace was the only person who was able to bring him back from the brink, but they don’t have him to fall back on this time, and he can’t argue with that logic. Again, shout out to Matthew for the facial expressions. I need someone to turn it into a gif and write “why you bringing up old shit?” as the caption. Then he does that little eye roll/pout thing he always does and I just, ugh. I’m in love. 

Fast forward. 

They approach Jace to get this shit going, and Alec has no time for any nonsense. Right when they’re getting in position, you’ll notice his right hand twitching, which is something Alec does when he’s anxious. Not-Jace just can’t keep his mouth closed, and decides to antagonize Magnus. He asks who he thinks Alec would choose if it came down to him and Magnus, and Alec shuts that down immediately, for a couple of reasons (I think). One, Not-Jace is only saying that to get a rise out of Magnus, he doesn’t want to hear it anymore, and two, if it did come down to Jace or Magnus, it’d be an impossible decision. Alec could never truly choose between two people that he loves, and he can’t even fathom being in a position where he’d have to make that choice to begin with. 

You also have to take into account what it would do to Alec if he were to make that kind of choice. Do you honestly believe he’d ever recover from choosing Jace over Magnus? Do you think he’d be able to live with himself after choosing Magnus over Jace? Don’t let your bias/character preference cloud your judgement - think like Alec for a minute. No matter who he chose, it would tear him apart in one way or another. 

The lovely Magnus Bane steps in to remind Alec not to get too worked up, and  that he needs to focus, then they get started. For a minute, it looks like they’re going to succeed but of course, of-fucking-course, Not-Jace has some magic of his own, because Lilith was planning ahead, and knew someone would try to get in his head. (I really, really, really hate her.) 

Fast forward again. 

Not-Jace is chained up like a criminal, and Alec looks like he’s ready to wrap those same chains around his neck. Fortunately, Magnus comes in, and they’re ready to start. 

There’s some magical lighting, glowing runes, and very creepy eyes rolling into the backs of heads, and the flashbacks start. 

We see young Alec and Jace before Alec blinks, and snaps back into reality with Izzy. Again, this is why it’s important to be objective and think like a character. No matter what’s happened, Jace is still Alec’s parabatai, and he’s always going to love him. 

They hear some noise, and walk around a corner to see younger versions of themselves play fighting. Alec smiles at the memory, and it’s sad, because things were so much simpler back then; back when sneaking down to train while their parents were out on mission was something they did for fun. Now, they’ve got demons coming back and possessing people and shit. 

After the younger Alec and Izzy disappear, Alec puts two and two together - like the smart cookie he is - and comes to the conclusion that Lilith has been torturing Jace by taking away everything he loves. Let me say that again so you guys can hear me. 

Lilith has been torturing Jace by taking away everything he loves. 

He looks away for less than a second, and when he turns around again, Izzy is gone. 

Alec can’t seem to catch a break.

Fast forward.

Alec is still looking for Izzy, and finds Clary instead. Well, more like dozens of dead Clary’s, because Jace has been trapped in his own mind, killing her over and over again, just like he did in his nightmares. He’s looking around at all the bodies like “what in the fuck did I just walk into”, then he hears someone crying, and looks up. 

IT’S JACE!

The real Jace, and he confirms what I’ve known all along. He’s a prisoner in his own mind, and Lilith has been fucking with him since day one.

Alec is treading carefully (which is a good move, since Jace is visibly upset and still holding a knife), and this goddamn scene was perfect. 

The way his voice gets all soft when he’s convincing Jace that he’s real, and he knows Jace won’t kill him. The way he wrapped his arms around Jace. 

“I’ve got you.” 

THAT’S GREAT BUT, WHO HAS ME? WHO’S GOING TO HOLD ME WHILE I CRY OVER MY KEYBOARD, ALEC? W H O?

They hold each other for a bit, and when they pull away, all the dead bodies are gone, and it’s clear that Alec’s presence is working. Izzy comes in with mini-Jace, who also vanishes, and my dumbass thinks “YES! The gang’s all here! We can go home now! It’s a wrap!”.

Narrator: You know damn well...

Fast forward.

As lovely as this little reunion has been, Alec hears Magnus calling out to him, and it’s time to get the fuck out of there. One teensy, weensy problem though. 

Jace doesn’t want to go, because he knows Lilith is coming for him.

This is where Alec gives us another example of exactly how his relationship with Jace works. 

Now, I’m a huge softie when it comes to my friends, so if my best friend was crying hysterically, then picked up a knife and placed it in my hands before asking me to kill them, I’d probably have a fit. However, Alec doesn’t do that. 

He holds himself together and tells Jace no, he isn’t going to kill him. Never. He’s coming with them, and that’s that on that. So, Jace hands the knife to Izzy, and I’m not going to lie, sis had me going for a hot second, but she dropped the knife and everyone exhaled. (By everyone, I mean me and Alec). 

Before they all join hands, Jace looks up at Alec and begs him not to let Lilith take me again, and he promises that he won’t. 

And of course, my emotional ass gets excited once more, thinking “alright, no bullshit, they’re going home this time”, but when the magical glow fades away, who do we fucking see? 

LILITH’S PUNK ASS. 

The SH writers @ me:

She comes in, overdramatic as usual, and ends up leaving with Jace. Seconds later, Alec wakes up to see that he’s gone, and he’s pissed.

They were so fucking close. No, scratch that, they weren’t close at all. They had him. They had him in the literal palms of their hands, and it took all of five seconds to lose him again. 

Fast forward (a little bit). 

Alec starts processing what just happened, and I hate seeing how upset he is. Jace begged the both of them to kill him, and right after Alec promised he wouldn’t let Lilith take him away again, she shows up and does just that. It’s already taking a toll on him, and even though Magnus says he did all he could, it’s not enough in Alec’s eyes, because Jace is still gone. 

It doesn’t matter how close he came to getting Jace back. In Alec’s eyes, he failed, and he’s going to be upset with himself until he succeeds, because that’s how he is. He knows it, Magnus knows it, and Izzy knows it. 

This episode messed with my head because it just goes to show that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how hard you’re willing to fight, they can still slip through your fingers and leave you right back where you started. 

I know there’s been a huge debate about the parabatai bond, and the way it only comes to light when it’s convenient for the plot, or how it’s “bullshit”, etc, but honestly? Fuck all that. If there was ever an episode involving the bond that comes close to Parabatai Lost, it’s 3x08. Alec could’ve fallen apart or gone crazy with all the shit that’s been going on, but he’s remained strong in order to keep going, because Alexander Gideon Lightwood does not crack in the face of adversity. 

He perseveres. 

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, I’ll be here all week.

[wordsablaze]

Bookshelves and In-Laws

In which Alec meets the Prince of Hell he's more or less related to, Magnus experiences multiple conflicting emotions, and their unfortunate bookshelf takes the worst of it, as prompted by these lovely souls! Enjoy!

A/N: A highly uninventive title, I know...  Feel free to point out mistakes, I'm a bit unwell so it might not be as good as usual!

What the literal hell?

Magnus finds himself asking that very question as he feels something - or rather, a specific someone - break through his wards as if they don't exist.

Groaning, he pulls his lips away from his shadowhunter's and blinks, his golden eyes vanishing, replaced by a brown deeper than the layers of his personality. Alec, still sort of breathless, only cocks his head in confusion.

"Stay behind me, darling," Magnus murmurs as he threads his fingers in between Alec's, leading the two of them to the living room.

Alec has regained a steady breathing rate by the time they enter the room but the breath is taken from him as soon as he sees the foreign figure in their home, standing right in front of the bookshelf they'd only just rebuilt after an angry client had thrown venom at it.

"Magnus!" the man who's not really a man exclaims, smiling widely.

Magnus, despite being as tense as a rubber band about to snap, forces himself to stay as still as possible So Alec doesn't freak out on him.

"Asmodeus." Magnus' voice is hard, monotone.

He can hear Alec echo the name behind him twice, once to register it and another to truly comprehend what that means. Magnus swallows his annoyance and raises an eyebrow at Asmodeus. "Don't you have an Edom to trouble?"

"Don't you have any manners to use?" Asmodeus fires back. Literally fires back, since the question is accompanied by a sphere of flame thrown at them. Magnus just rolls his eyes and reaches out to grab it, killing it with blue sparks of his own.

"This wasn't exactly how I'd expected this day to go..." Alec mutters.

"So you're the one Magnus has been hiding from me, huh?" Asmodeus grins, his gaze moving up and down Alec's frame.

Magnus tenses, his whole body on high alert and his magic lurking just behind his skin, waiting to defend his Shadowhunter. He practically holds his breath as Asmodeus steps towards them, choosing to circle them like a pack of wolves waiting to pounce. He can feel Alec shift closer to him as the scent of fire and blood and metal becomes stronger and stronger.

"Interesting choice," Asmodeus says eventually, halting to a stop in front of Alec. Alec, slightly confused, tentatively smiles and squeezes Magnus' hand to say he's ready in case they need to attack.

"Noted." Magnus' voice is blank, practically lifeless. He itches to turn and shield Alec but he knows there's really no point; he's almost helpless and he can't stand it.

"Tell me, Shadowhunter," Asmodeus orders, "have you seen his warlock mark?"

Alec clears his throat before nodding. "His eyes? Of course, they're beautiful."

"Are they now?"

"Yes." Alec nods once more, not losing eye contact with the greater demon. "They're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, aside from the rest of Magnus, of course."

"Of course..." Asmodeus echoes, walking around to face Magnus. "Alright, alright, put that magic away already!"

"Forgive me for being a little on edge when a Prince of Hell appears inside my wards."

"When will you learn? Your wards are practically my wards and I don't care much for wards."

Alec chuckles. "Now I see where you get it, Magnus."

"Oh, hush, Alexander..." Magnus wants to sound reprimanding but he can't hide the amused smile on his face either.

"Alexander..." Asmodeus repeats the name as if it were a precious secret. "Magnus and Alexander..."

"I'd certainly hope so," Magnus replies, now utterly bewildered.

"Fancy visiting Edom, Alexander?"

And, just like that, Magnus is on edge again, a small frown on his face as he bites his lower lip. Asmodeus notices his tense muscles immediately and laughs. "You really think I'm here to drag your boyfriend away?"

"No offence, Asmodeus... Uh, your majesty... But you do look like you want to burn us to the ground..." Alec regrets opening his mouth immediately after saying that but Magnus chuckles behind him and finally steps sideways so the two of them are in line with each other.

"The only burning I want to do is to my own eyes after seeing your sickeningly unfaltering hand-holding."

Magnus and Alec share a sideways look with one another before simultaneously turning to Asmodeus and raising their eyebrows. Ignoring the doorbell that sounds like it's coming from a mile away, the two of them wait for a reply or an explanation or anything that can satiate their puzzled curiosity. It's not every day that a greater demon manages to compliment you with an insult.

"I have a warning for your Shadowhunter," Asmodeus admits to Magnus after waiting for the doorbell to stop chiming. Even though Alec and Magnus both stiffen at the words, Asmodeus pretends to - or really does - ignore them and continues, "So, Lightwood, If you hurt Magnus in any way at all, I will burn you and everyone you love into- oh, what's that word- smithereens."

Alec blinks. "If I ever intentionally hurt Magnus, I'll burn myself before you get the chance."

Having recovered from his initial shock, Magnus coughs. "Can we stop discussing the annihilation of my boyfriend, please?"

Despite the serious threat to Alec's life, Magnus can't help feeling both touched and disorientated. He's not used to being the recipient of protective warnings, he's usually the one dealing the threats. And he's definitely not used to Asmodeus, of all people - or rather, of all demons - showing a caring side. Of course, this unprecedented display of affection is immediately broken when Asmodeus says,

"I wouldn't want anyone else to take away the fun of hurting you, Magnus, would I?"

"Duck!" Alec yells, pulling Magnus towards himself even as he says it. A moment later, Magnus' knees hit the floor along with Alec's, both of them stifling their groans and turning to watch the odd fireball that'd appeared out of nowhere hit the bookshelf, causing everything to topple on the carpet and shower the area with sawdust and ripped papers.

"Why does everyone target the bookshelf?" Alec mutters, his arms still wrapped around Magnus as a shield.

"We're going to have to move that shelf, darling."

Asmodeus coughs to get their attention. "Don't mind him, he was just reminding me I have another visit to make. Have fun with the interior decorating and... Don't make me have to return." A moment later, he adds, "That shelf had it coming anyway, it's full of appalling novels..."

Before Magnus can jump up and protest, Asmodeus has vanished as suddenly as he'd arrived, taking the scent of Edom with him and leaving behind two very confused individuals who both start to fix the damage inflicted on the apartment.

"What would he know about the rankings of novels?" Alec asks, his voice laced with both irritation and relief, as he picks up one of the few unscathed books.

A smile on his face and sparks around his hands, Magnus shakes his head. "Don't concern yourself with my father's taste in literature."

"Magnus." Alec freezes.

"Yes?"

"Did I just meet the in-laws?"

"Well, technically, you only met one of them."

Alec's eyes widen comically, his face draining of half its colour. "That was a terrible first impression, oh- by the angel, he's going to come back and-"

"Alexander." Magnus takes Alec's hands in his and smiles. "You did magnificently."

"Are you sure?"

"Did the Ruler of Edom just destroy our bookshelf?"

Instead of answering the question, Alec laughs. He isn't even sure why he's laughing but figures it's a reasonable response to being threatened by the prince of Hell who just so happens to also be the father of your boyfriend. It's fine, though, because Magnus is laughing with him and the two of them can choose to temporarily forget the perplexing encounter until they're free of shock and adrenaline, focusing on trying to restore the unfortunate shelf instead.

like/reblog but don’t repost, thanks!

[sapphicalexaandra]

We’re Not Lovers (2/3)

Pairing: Jace/Alec

Rating: T

Summary: Flashbacks to a time of old...

Notes:  Chapter two! Thanks to everyone again who liked and commented, i love you all <33 Brace yourselves! This is a canon-divergence of pre-series and s1 events. 

He had been miserable for days and days after that kiss, his morose attitude striking as unusual even the people who knew him for his moodiness. And his forbidden, cursed feelings for Jace accompanied him always, never letting go, never withering. Like a leech.

Jace, as he had predicted, didn’t remember what had happened. His cheerful face when he had thanked Alec for bringing him home from the party was proof enough, and he had proceeded to act with Alec as he always did. Alec’s already hopeless heart lost its last speckle of hope.

That wasn’t true, not really – it always kept on holding onto some kind of hope, even though Alec had known for years, even before the parabatai bond, that he was doomed. Why did hearts have to be so damn stupid and stubborn?

His still surged at any sight of Jace, or whenever they were near each other, which was almost always…it skipped a beat whenever Jace smiled at him or pinned him down on the training mat, sweaty and gorgeous…and it clenched painfully whenever Alec remembered that he would never have him. And all the time, it felt like it was always about to jump out of his chest, especially when he remembered that kiss.

Alec couldn’t help but think back with nostalgia to a time – that already felt like an eternity ago – when he hadn’t known what kissing Jace felt like. Back then his lips hadn’t been constantly burning.

Almost a week passed, and Alec was putting on pajamas over his still partially wet body with a vengeance, mad with himself that he had had to relieve his frustrations under the shower after a particularly intense sparring session with Jace, when he hadn’t been able to hold his own because he kept being overwhelmed by him.

At some point, he had even almost thought…no, Jace had just been tired, when he had rose from him, walking away so soon after they had started…there was no other reason. He couldn’t have looked at his lips, Alec must've imagined it, just as he had imagined Jace putting his lips somewhere else on him under the shower. If Jace knew about that, he’d feel disgusted by him, at the way he was dirtying everything they stood for – and not look at his lips. Jace had been inebriated when he had kissed him, Alec needed to remind himself of that constantly. 

He jumped. The door had abruptly opened and closed. The only thing different in his room after that was Jace’s ghostly, panting form, still in his training clothes, leaning heavily against the door. And Alec thought of him as ghostly because the expression on his face was that of someone who had just witnessed a murder.

“Hey, what happe–”

Alec couldn’t finish the sentence, because his mouth was suddenly attacked by another, his shirt fisted by demanding hands, and he was caught in a hot minute of open-mouthed, bruising kisses which he responded to with a desperation that shouldn’t have surprised him. The sound of their labored breathes echoing in the room only contributed to the heat that rose and rose between them, as they groped at each other’s bodies and melted into each other until Alec’s lips were positively throbbing in pain. Jace didn’t taste of alcohol this time, only of Jace, and the sweat on his body made it even more acute. Alec would’ve never stopped devouring him.

He still did, pushing on Jace’s chest with all his strength until Jace stumbled backwards. They surveyed each other's disheveled states as if they’d never met before. Alec’s vision was blurry, but he swore that the expression on Jace’s face was stricken. Why had he done that, then?!

But before Alec could voice that thought, Jace spoke. “I’m sorry, Alec. I – I lied. I remember kissing you at the park.”

Alec blanked for a whole five seconds. “What?”

“I lied! Pretended it didn’t happen, all that jazz.” Jace rubbed at his eyes frustratingly.

“But – why?”

Jace started looking around the room, seemingly at a loss. “I–”

“Never mind, I get it. What, you felt guilty and wanted to make it up to me? Don’t. I don’t need your pity. Especially if you hadn’t meant it.”

“I - I did mean it! All of it! You think I would just do something like that?! Kiss my parabatai on a whim?!”

“You were drunk! You would’ve never done it if–”

“Yeah, you’re right. I would’ve never done it if I hadn't been drunk.”

Alec closed his eyes, his stomach dropping to his knees.

“Because when I’m sober I’m too scared,” Jace admitted, a crack in his voice.

Alec looked back at him. “You, scared?”

“Y – yes.”

Alec crossed his arms, suddenly feeling the need to protect himself. “And of what, exactly?”

Jace was fidgeting with his hands, his eyes struggling to hold his gaze. He gulped visibly. “To love is...”

Alec didn’t need Jace to finish that sentence. Jace repeated his father’s mantra often enough for Alec to have come to hate it. To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed. In Alec’s experience, it was wrong: to love is to be destroyed.

But he didn’t understand what that had anything to do with their situation.

“Okay, so what? Don’t tell me you – you love me.” Alec chuckled. Only the thought that Jace might be in love with him seemed ridiculous.

Jace frowned at him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying! Why do you think I kissed you, twice? Listen, I’m sorry. I tried to hold it down, ignore it, and I’d understand if you just find me attractive or something, that’s why you – but I am…in love with you.” The words came out of Jace with immense struggle, as if he couldn’t believe he was really saying them…but there was no wavering in the way he said them.

Had Alec hit his head, earlier? Had he fallen in the shower, into a portal to another dimension? Because the world had just turned upside down.

“I…just find you…you are in…with me? Jace, if this is your idea of a joke, by the Angel–”

“A joke? Don’t you even know me? Would I joke about – listen, I’ll just go, I promise you we can just forget about this, I haven’t said a word. I’ll just–”

Jace quickly turned around to make his escape, but Alec’s hand shot forward, grabbing Jace's arm, before he could even think about it. Jace looked up at him in surprise. Alec stared back, searching into Jace’s eyes for he didn’t know what. But he didn't find anything besides clear speckles of blue and brown.

“This must be a joke,” Alec breathed out then. “Because I have been in love with you – for forever! And now you say…Jace, if you’re joking…”

“I’m telling you, I’m not – wait, you what?” It was Jace's turn to look into Alec's eyes for an answer, his mouth wide open. 

Alec couldn’t hold in a snort. “Where have you been all these years?”

“I – I knew you liked me, but…I never dared to hope the other thing.”

Alec had moved past the like stage a long time ago…still, Jace had known?

“Then why didn’t you say anything? And why do you say that you love me now?” Alec realized he should’ve been at least angry at this entirely out of time, and out of the blue, revelation...but he only felt like a little kid waiting to hear his punishment.

Jace turned around further to better face him, and only then did Alec remember that he was still holding Jace's arm. He removed his hand right as Jace took a deep breath. “As for the first question, I don't remember you ever saying anything either." Alec wanted to protest, but Jace kept going, "As for the other one...because it’s true. I think I realized it when – remember that time I stupidly went after a greater demon on my own, and you followed me? We were swarmed by raveners and you stayed behind to let me get to him?”

Alec merely nodded. He didn’t think he could ever forget that. It had happened a few years earlier, before Jace had even asked him to become parabatai. Jace kept saying that his father would’ve expected him to have already killed a greater demon, and one day he had decided to take matters into his own hands. Alec had been scared shitless when he had found out where Jace had gone to. “Okay, I got hurt defending you and you were scared for me, it still doesn’t mean–” 

“No, Alec, it wasn’t just that. I never killed that demon.”

Alec blinked. “What? But you said…when I asked you in the infirmary…”

“I know what I said. But I lied - I couldn’t do it. I mean, I could’ve, I had him in my line of sight and he didn’t know I was there. But when I heard you scream…I couldn’t waste a moment longer, I couldn’t fulfill that task if it were at your expanse! And I did exactly what my father would’ve punished me for doing, I cared about you more than I cared about being the best Shadowhunter I could be.”

Alec opened and closed his mouth a few times. That – changed some things. He remembered almost dying at the hands of those raveners. He remembered being glad that he had been able to help Jace succeed, but the joy he had felt when Jace had come back to save him...had been unprecedented. He couldn’t believe Jace really did care about him enough to risk his life for him, and it had been this discovery that had later convinced him to accept becoming Jace's parabatai. Still, Alec had never had any doubt that Jace had come for him only after killing the greater demon. Until this moment, the thought that Jace could’ve not killed him had never even crossed his mind. That Jace would not kill the demon for him even less.

If his heart had been ready to jump out of his chest before, now it was already out. He needed to do some damage control. “You – you care about me, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love with me, though.” Who was he trying to convince?

Jace smiled. “Alec, there’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already told myself. I’m not saying I always accepted that that was what I was feeling. After that incident…I was scared out of my mind, don’t you see? How could I – I had fallen into acting out of love like a common mundane! Love is…all that, and I know you think it’s stupid, but I really believe it. In trying to save you, I developed the power to destroy you! I couldn’t handle that. Only the thought of doing that to you…you are the most important person in my life, Alec." Jace's breath had an itch in it. "I - that’s why I wanted you to be my parabatai. I thought that being a pair of warriors bound together for life, who make each other stronger…could’ve truly saved you from me.”

Alec lowered his eyes, focusing on a crack on the floor to try and steady the jumble of thoughts that was his mind. He didn’t know what to feel, whether he should’ve been happy at the fact that Jace apparently did love him…or even more unhappy in realizing just how much their situation had been doomed from the start.

You are the most important person in my life.

That still couldn't be a line Alec would ever forget. 

“You say you love me, too? It’s not just a crush?” Jace asked him then, hesitant in his hope. 

Alec almost laughed. “If it was ever a crush, I passed that stage a long time ago.”

“When…how do you know that it’s really what you’re feeling?”

“How do I know?” Alec thought he would never have the words for it - yet, they came pouring out of him as if a tap had been opened. “I don’t know. I don’t have one moment, I don’t remember how it happened, I never thought about it…I just looked at you one day and realized that you were – it for me. I could’ve spent the rest of my life never seeing you again, or never being with you…and that still wouldn’t have changed. I can’t – I can’t explain it more than that. That’s just how it is.”

Jace seemed to have something stuck in his throat when he asked, “Then why did you never say anything?”

“I never, ever thought you could like me…like that. You were always with one girl or another, and then you asked me to be your parabatai and I thought that was all you wanted. I never thought I had a chance with you.”

“I thought that you accepting to become parabatai was proof that you didn’t feel what I did.”

Alec raised his eyes to the heavens, turning around to pace around the room with a hand grabbing at his hair. It was all becoming too much. What were the fucking chances?

“Alec, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never acted on my feelings when I could. I’m sorry that I forgot all about my reasoning or our bond when I was drunk, and I kissed you when I couldn’t. And I’m sorry that all I’ve been wanting to do these past few days was kiss you again…I shouldn’t have kissed you again.”

“I am not sorry that you did that, Jace.” Without giving himself time to overthink it, Alec reached Jace’s side once again, and took his hand. The gesture was so simple, yet Alec’s treacherous heart went all a-flutter anyway. “Love might be a weakness, and we should be above it...but we’re clearly not. Even Mom acts out of love for us instead than for the good of our cause most of the time. Love is not that much worse than the demons who kill us, I think. And even if it were, the Angel forgive me…but I love you more than my life, Jace. More than my duty, more than my honor, more than anything. I – I’d like not to be consumed by a feeling like this, it sure as hell has caused me to feel and act in all the ways that I shouldn’t - it’s made me miserable and a fool! But I am, damn it, I am. And I don’t care if it’s a weakness, if it's wrong or dangerous or...any of that.”

Jace stayed still for a long moment. Then he raised a hand until it reached Alec’s face, and he touched it, just barely, as if he was scared to break it. A thumb swiped sideways on Alec’s cheek, and Alec felt a shiver run throughout his entire body from that single contact. “I don’t know, Alec. I don’t know how to do this. I can’t – I don’t want to end up hurting you. Not even by chance. And this could end in literal disaster.”

Alec had stopped breathing, barely aware that Jace was talking. He was lost in Jace’s gaze without a way to escape it - when, suddenly, he felt it. A silent hum, a flow of living, light, indescribable feeling passing through their bond, enveloping them both in its buzzing warmth. What did it mean?

Alec chose to see it as a sign.

He put his hand over Jace’s. “Everyone gets hurt eventually. It’s impossible not to be hurt, ever…not if you’re alive. So if I were to choose what hurts me, I'd choose you any day.”

Jace inhaled sharply. His eyes were moving quickly, as if searching Alec’s face for any sign of doubt. When he didn't find it, he surged upwards, just as Alec bent down. Their lips collided somewhere in the middle, and it was sweet, intoxicating oblivion. Not urgent like their kisses of earlier, the way their mouths and tongues moved against one another was still fervent, divine, powerful. Alec's heart sighed in contentment, and he drew Jace a little bit closer to himself. 

When they broke apart, Alec had to keep his eyes closed a moment longer, his lips still tingling. If this was a dream, he surely didn’t want to end it so soon.

“If this...is what it means being in love with you, I might be brave enough to try it," Jace whispered. "I'd choose you, too.” 

Alec smiled.

To think…that he could’ve kissed Jace a long time ago. Or, if he didn’t want to go down that road, one where they didn't have a kind of obstacle written in the Codex, he could’ve let himself believe, after Jace had kissed him at the park, that it had meant something to him just as much, and he could’ve spared himself days of grief…

Jace loved him. Jace loved him with the kind of love he was scared about. And he hadn’t wanted to destroy him, so he had tried to keep him forever in an even more binding way. Alec thought back to all those years - of suffering, yes, but of care as well, and friendship, and partnership, and love between him and Jace - in a whole new light…and he had all the more appreciation for the bond they had. Still, accepting that Jace might love him back had been far too easy. Could it be just his wishful thinking, making him so ready to jump into it? Alec knew, after all, that he was nothing compared to Jace, and the greatest Shadowhunter of their generation deserved only the best…but Jace had chosen him above all else, he was his parabatai. The way they had met, and found a soulmate in each other, had always struck Alec as such a powerful coincidence that it couldn’t have been just a coincidence. They bound their souls together while they were both in love with each other…maybe, in some way, they were really meant to be?

In any case, that was what Alec told himself, as they plunged into madness, into idiocy at its purest.

If they were really meant to be, they surely had gone at it all backwards; they first just had to platonically tie themselves together for life, to finally admit that what they felt for each other was anything but platonic…still, now that they knew, what could they do?

Steal kisses behind closed doors, or in hidden crevices of the rooftop. Secretly hold hands under the table at lunch. Wink at each other at the most inappropriate times (that was mostly Jace). Laugh at the exhilaration of it all. Hold the other from behind in a blissful moment of closeness while cooking dinner alone in the kitchen. Fight together any demon who dared come up against them. Make love for the first time, and all the times after that, feeling everything so damn intensely. Be excessively provocative during a training session, then make up for it under the shower. Mark each other’s bodies, hearts and souls with everything they had. Trace the parabatai rune as their biggest curse, and fated destiny.

That was what they did.

And when their runes started glowing in their most intimate moments, and the power they hurled against demons became far beyond that of a normal Shadowhunter, they went to Catarina Loss. Trustworthy, discreet, charitable, they tolerated her crankiness while she tolerated their impulsiveness, and she taught them how to wield their magic. They were indebted to her for life, but it was worth it.

“We’re magic,” Jace whispered to Alec once, as they marveled at their glowing, locked hands snuggled up in bed.

They swore that one day they’d prove to the Clave that the parabatai curse was as real as their trust in Downworlders, and that parabatai magic was as dark and dangerous as its wielder, and uncontrollable only if untrained. But it wasn’t the right time.

Things weren’t always perfect, obviously. They were still Jace and Alec, stubborn hardheaded brats who were as alike as the sun and the moon. And they were still under all the pression that came from being Shadowhunters, their parents’ sons, and two people forbidden to be in love. Certain days they screamed at each other all their faults – whether they had been careless in their displays of affection, or simply just infuriating – or wallowed in their terrible luck. Other days they couldn’t say a word to each other, or spend one minute away from their responsibilities.

Alec sometimes felt like Jace didn’t understand at all what it meant following orders, or having to report to the Clave, or anything that had to do with running an Institute (which his parents were training him to do more and more each day) and he wanted to strangle him for it. But as he saw how hard Jace worked himself every day to be everything that his father had wanted him to be, to make up for his failure in following his directives…Alec accepted their roles, and went to sleep in Jace’s room, hugging him to his chest. Jace’s smile was the best reward. Jace’s love for him cost Jace his integrity in the eyes of the man who had raised him, and Alec would never take for granted how lucky he was to have it.

Years passed, and they never let each other go. They withheld the storms, and the calm, and everything in between. Alec had almost started to believe that they could face everything together.

Until Hodge approached him.

It was the start of the summer. Alec had just turned in his report for their latest mission and was about to go see Jace, when his tutor had entered the office. They were the only two people in there.

“Good evening, Hodge. I was just about to go to bed.”

“One moment, Alec. I need to talk to you.”

Hodge’s tone was grave, and Alec went on alert mode straight away. “Did something happen? Is everyone okay?”

“Nothing of the sort. I just thought we could have a heart to heart.”

Someway, that didn’t reassure Alec in the least. His hands started sweating, and he put them in his pockets. “Ehm, sure. What about?”

“You know what this is about.”

Alec blinked, not showing anything else on his face. Hodge was simply talking about him covering for Jace’s missed report once again, that was all. No reason to jump to the worst…

“Alec, I know about you and Jace.”

…He had not jumped to the worst fast enough. Alec’s entire life rose to his throat, constricting it. “M – me and Jace what?” 

“This is not the time for games. I saw you two on the rooftop last night.”

Alec opened his mouth. Last night he had backed Jace into a corner of the outer wall. He hadn’t heard anyone else on the roof, but they hadn’t really been paying attention…

It was over, they had fucked up, they were finished, it was over. “Hodge, I – I can explain. Please, I will do anything–”

“You don’t have to explain, or do anything else but end it. Right now.”

Alec hoped he wouldn’t have a heart attack before he had done something to fix this. “What – Hodge, wait…”

“No, Alec, you heard me. There is no point in me telling you now, how I would’ve expected you to know better…what is done is done. I have no intention to tattle on you, on the condition that you swear to me right now that you’re ending it as soon as you can. Don’t you realize what could’ve happened if it had been anyone else on that roof?! Do you realize what could happen to all of you, including your entire family, if you were found out?! The utter disgrace you’d all plummet into?! Believe me, you don’t want that. Alec, I care about you, and Jace as well…and I don’t want to see your futures destroyed. Swear it, now, or I will have to take more drastic measures. And if I realize you didn’t do it, I will have to tell.”

There couldn’t be any relief at the knowledge that Hodge wouldn’t tell yet. Because the cost of it – End it. Right now.

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. All was going well, they had everything under control…how could they have been so stupid?

In that moment, the only thing Alec wanted to do was drop on his knees and beg Hodge to let them be. Or, worse, for a wild second he wanted to kill him. He could’ve, in the blink of an eye, and everything would've gone back to normal…

“Alec.” Alec raised his eyes to stare into Hodge’s unwavering gaze. “You can dispose of me right now, but if you go down this road, you know what the consequences will be. Is that really what you want? Damn yourself and Jace forever? Damn Izzy and Max as well? You know a happy ending is not possible. You must be strong enough to make the right choice for all of them.”

Alec shut his eyes to keep the tears from falling. He saw the furious faces of his parents forcing them to be separated forever…he saw his sister’s pitying look and confused little Max not understanding what was going on…and he saw other Shadowhunters averting their eyes from all of them, judgment and ridicule whispered behind their backs, the Lightwoods forever shamed…

Alec gritted his teeth until he couldn’t feel them anymore. “I – I swear.”

He didn’t hear Hodge leave.

Alec could’ve very well have been a zombie, as him and Jace walked among the trees outside the Institute the night after. He hadn’t been able to face Jace before then. After he had sworn, he had told Jace he was too tired, and spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out a way to do what needed to be done, without ripping his own heart out in the process.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Why are we walking here? Are you okay? You’ve been weird all day,” Jace broke the silence that Alec still didn’t have the guts to end. 

How could he say it? In all those hours, he hadn’t managed to come up with an acceptable speech. His mind was no less panicked than it had been the night before.

All he knew was that he couldn’t tell the truth. Jace wouldn’t accept it. He wouldn’t see it as reason enough to end their relationship, because Hodge was only one man who could be tricked.

But Alec knew better now than to take that risk. You must be strong enough to make the right choice for all of them.

“Jace,” Alec started, and it hurt only to say his name. “I – I can’t do this anymore.”

He had halted, and Jace did as well, confusion written on his face. “Do what?”

Alec gestured vaguely with his hands, painfully at a loss. “This.” He took a deep breath. “Us.”

“You mean you don’t want to go out tonight too? It’s fine, we can just stay inside.” Jace smiled at him, still unfazed.

Alec closed his eyes for a moment. “No. I mean…we can’t be together anymore,” he strangled out. 

Jace arched an eyebrow. “What are you talking about? Did you hit your head?”

“Jace, I’m serious!”

His shout finally got through to Jace, because he couldn’t mask a flinch. “Okay! But what do you mean we can’t be together anymore, what’s wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong!” Alec tugged at his hair, hoping the pain would give some sense to what he was doing. “Aren’t you tired, Jace?”

“Tired?!” Jace’s tone was full of disbelief, near outrage, and he was looking at Alec as if he had just lost his mind.

Alec still went on. “All this secrecy, lies, and deception…do we really want to live the rest of our lives like this?!”

“Yes? That has always been the plan! Because being together matters more than all that…what has gotten into you? Did – something happen?” Jace was suddenly breathless.

This. This was his last chance. He could come clean, and they’d fix this, together, someway…

If I realize you didn’t do it, I will have to tell.

Alec gulped. “No, nothing happened. I just – I can’t do this anymore.”

The crack in his voice made Jace widen his eyes, and Alec couldn’t look at him.

“But why? I don’t understand, why now?” Jace asked, half way between despair and anger.

“Maybe, maybe I’m just now seeing how stupid we’ve been, okay?! Breaking one of the most sacred laws in the Codex, risking our, and our family’s, future…and for what? Love?!” He spat that last word as if it were the foulest of ones.

Love had been their curse, but he was now renouncing what had also been their greatest happiness.

Jace flared his nose, his burning gaze making Alec wish he could bury himself under the earth. “Yeah, love. I remember you telling me countless times that you didn’t care if love was a weakness, or if it hurt you, that your love for me was more important that a damn Law! Now you’re telling me that you’re backtracking, Alec? You’re letting them win?!”

“This is not about winning! Just think of what could happen if–”

“It is about letting other people control our lives! Yes, they might have the power to do all they want to us, but you want to give them the power to take away all that matters to you?”

“They already have that power!” Alec didn’t know what more he needed to do to make him understand!  “And this is not only about what could happen to us – our family would be implicated too! I need to protect them, and our legacy. Listen, we’d still always be parabatai, okay? Nothing will change that, it’ll just have to be enough.”

Jace paced in front of him a few times; Alec thought he might create a scorch mark in his wake.

“So what is your plan, exactly? You’re going to live the life they want you to live, like a good little soldier? Marry a girl chosen for you, to father exceptionally stuck-up and prissy children just like you?” Jace spit out.

Alec bit his lip, forcing himself to let those jabs slide. He deserved them after all. “Yes, that’s exactly my plan.”

Jace snorted. “And you dare talk to me about lies and deception?! Don’t you see that that will be all your life is about?!”

“Yes, thank you, I’m not stupid!” Alec ignored Jace’s whispered come-back. “But at least I won’t have to hide all the time! Or – or look behind my shoulder, and fear what my irresponsible actions will lead to!”

“Wow, Alec. All these years I hadn’t realized you were a damn coward.”

“And you don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself!”

Alec blinked, once, twice, three times. Jace was still in front of him, the scene unfolding wasn’t a fragment of his own imagination, they had really said all those things…

“Wait, Jace, I didn’t mean–”

“Oh, no. I get it. I don’t care about what happens since I was the one to convince you to be together, screw everything else, right? In that case, I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Jace, please, I’m not saying it’s your fault! I was stupid, and I’m saying that now we need to start taking responsibilities for our actions and stop before it’s too late…I know we can get through this, together! We’re the best team after all, aren’t we?”

Alec tried for a smile, his arm shooting forward to try and get ahold of Jace’s hand.

Jace took a step back. His eyes had never looked darker. “We’re clearly not. You do whatever you want, Alec, but I won’t stand by this bullshit martyr crusade of yours.”

Jace turned around, starting to walk away…and panic flared in Alec. His fingers grabbed Jace’s shirt, trying to keep him there, stop whatever was happening from happening. He was yanked away, and Jace started running.

“Wait, Jace, don’t! Please, don’t…leave...me.”

It was too late. Jace couldn’t hear him anymore.

His father's profecy had turned out true in the end.