#did a big life changing thing for myself back in september

[ladyylesbian]

Sorority Rules (18+)

Pairing: dom!wandanat x sub!fem!original character

Summary: ‘New Year, New Me’ can start in September...right?

Warnings: MINORS DNI! Pet names, mommy kink, daddy kink, reader has a name? (Honestly idk anymore, tell me if I missed something?)

Word Count: 11.2k

A/N: This really was just me proving something to myself, but I hope you enjoy it all the same :) Continuation of this story is on AO3

you do not have permission to translate/repost my works anywhere! all mistakes are mine and mine alone. likes, comments, and reblogs are always welcome & appreciated <3

Freshman year left you beat down on the floor. You had been roomed with a girl named Hela. The two of you had hit it off instantly. In fact, you spent so much time together that everyone would know if they found one of you, then they could find the other nearby, definitely helped that you somehow had the exact same class schedule. By the end of the first semester, Hela asked you out and one week later, she asked you to be her girlfriend. 

What was the happiest month turned dark and lonely. Hela spent more and more of her time focused on her sorority since being officially accepted. She had set completely insane restraints on you. You had to text her every hour whenever you were apart, it didn’t matter that she wouldn’t acknowledge your messages. She even would rarely show up at the dorm room to sleep, claiming that the sorority house was where she needed to be, but demanded a picture of you in bed every night. 

You had long since given up expecting to see her anywhere but during classes, however, when she sat down with the other girls in her sorority looking you right in the eyes as she did, you finally broke. That was your time together and she was so obviously picking them.

That only snowballed into her eating lunch in the quad with them too. She took you to a few sorority parties and introduced you to her ‘favorite person’ and sorority big sister, Carol. The two were attached at the hip which quickly left you to nurse a drink off in the corner. 

You didn’t have the backbone to say anything, blindly hoping she would realize how much she missed you and run back.

It wasn’t until right before the end of year finals that Hela had stayed back in the dorm room once again. The two of you would study nonstop and laugh and joke. Everything you had spent months wishing for was happening. The girl you liked was back.

After finishing your last final before Summer break, you waited for her in the hallway. Less than 15 minutes later she pushed open the classroom door and stepped out. You locked eyes and she rushed up and gave you a hug. “Thank you so much, Madelyn. I really could not have passed these finals without you.”

Smiling warmly at the raven haired girl, “Always. It’s you and me all the time. I couldn’t show up to sophomore year without you next to me.”

Her eyes fell downwards before slowly reaching yours again. “About that, Madelyn, I think we should end things. You are just in such a different place than me and I am changing my major, so we won’t be in the same classes anyways. Not to mention, you can really blow up my phone and I am just not into that. But thank you so much for the help this year.” You can’t help but stare at her wide eyed, blinking repeatedly as you try to process her words. She pats your cheek before turning around and walking down the hall “Have a good summer!”

The only thought running thought your mind is ‘what the fuck.”

-

You cannot believe this day is finally here, sophomore year of college. After a thoroughly disastrous freshman year, you are determined to completely turn your life around. A new roommate, new classes, if you can be picky, then hopefully a solid friend group will be thrown in there too. 

It was still a few days before the actual first day of classes, but you wanted to get into your new dorm and settle in. There were quite a lot of other students with the same idea, all unpacking their parents cars that were stuffed full. You quickly paid the taxi driver and hopped out the back seat. He opened the trunk and lifted your suitcase onto the road. 

Dragging your bag up the sidewalk and settling in the line waiting for the booth to find your new dorm room and collect the room key. You look around, wondering if your new roommate is in this same crowd, thinking if her parents are holding back tears as they hug her goodbye. 

Thankfully, before you can stumble too far down that path, you reach the front of the line. “Name and year?” 

“Oh, uh, Madelyn Andrews. Sophomore.” She flips through the pages and finds your name with ease. Looking down into her organized box of keys, she picks up on set, “Room 616.”

With a soft smile, you accept the key and head towards the sophomore dorms.

Thankfully, there’s an elevator in all the dorm buildings once you’re no longer a freshman. You always joked that it was the university’s way of hazing the entire freshman class. 

The slow elevator had you wondering if you could have walked the stairs and ended up there faster, but eventually, opened onto the sixth floor. You held your breath as you walked up to your door. 

Pressing your ear against the wooden surface and straining to try and hear any movement. It sounded completely empty inside. With a quick ‘thank you’ to the skies above, you push the key into the lock and turn, opening the door. 

Unsurprisingly, it is the same layout as your freshman year dorm, not that you were superstitious, but in the spirit of completely turning your life around you opted for the bed on the right this time.

It didn’t take more than an hour for you to put away your clothes and set up the small mementos of your friends from back home. Walking back over to your suitcase, you pull out a small blanket that barely is long enough to cover your legs and hide it under your pillow. 

Laying on your new bed and scrolling your university’s Instagram page, trying to find something to do that can pass the time. That’s when you see there is an early bird trivia event being hosted at the student center in ten minutes. 

Taking a second to think, you come to the conclusion that this is the perfect chance to meet new people. Reinvent yourself as someone social, someone beyond only one friend turned girlfriend. 

Softly pushing yourself off the elevated bed, you walk over to the shared closet and pull out your favorite white crew neck in case the temperature drops after sunset. With an unbalanced turn, you spin around and pull on your black and gray checkered vans. Hopping over to the mirror to give yourself a fast once over then heading straight out the door.

It’s only a short walk to the student center from your dorm this year, which you’re thankful for, perfect for meeting new people. 

Remembering how heavy the student center door is, you pull hard on the handle. The universe must be laughing at you because that seemed to be the wrong choice. The usually heavy door was light this year and you have just thrown the door as wide as it would go, causing a decently loud sound. 

A few students near the door look at you, but thankfully the other students further into the building haven’t seemed to notice a thing. Which is where the trivia is being held, so you awkwardly walk through the doors and inside.

“Hello, welcome to early bird trivia: musicals. Are you joining a team or registering a new one?” states a wide eyed brunette woman. 

“Oh, I didn’t know we had to have a team..” you begin to look around for anyone you might vaguely recognize. “Not a worry, dear. We have another girl looking for a team too. You two can partner up.” She starts to wave over a blonde, who’s smiling bigger than you would think possible.

She continues, “This is..” she pauses waiting for you. “Madelyn.” 

“And she needs a team as well. So, what will the team name be?”

Before you even have a moment to think of something clever, the blonde speaks up, “Mac n Cheese Lovers.” You cannot help but snort at her abruptness. The brunette hands you a paper and pencil to write down your answers on, “Good luck ‘Mac n Cheese Lovers.”

Following the blonde over to a table near the smoothie bar along the left wall, as she sits down she introduces herself, “Hey. My name is Yelena. I hope you like Mac n Cheese or this team name will be super awkward,” she snickers.

You shake your head slightly, “The name is perfectly fitting. I’m a huge fan,” you laugh, “My name is Madelyn. It’s nice to meet you. So what year are you in?”

“Sophomore,” the blonde replies, “How about you?”

“Same, sophomore.” The two of you continue with small talk for a couple minutes until you hear the game host start speaking. He gives a quick introduction of his name and lets everyone know he’s the student activity director, so he plans all university approved events. Which leads him to a quick warning that means no drinking or drugs at these events since he’s required to report them to the Dean. Then, he gets into the trivia rules.

Once he finishes, Yelena leans over to you, “We have to win. Or at least beat my annoying sister and her girlfriend.” 

You raise your eyebrow at the woman, “If you knew people, how come you didn’t team up with them?”

She waves off your question before pointing them out, “See those two redheads? That’s them. They are insufferable at any sort of competition. We need to show them up and win, so I hope you’re a musical lover because I am most certainly not a musical theater major,” she chuckles as she finishes her sentence.

“They do look insufferable,” you agree with the blonde, “and lucky for you, while I am not a musical theater major, I am a lover of Broadway, so get ready to kick some ass.”

Yelena claps you on the back and laughs, “I like you, Madelyn. Let's do this.”

“Okay, everyone, first question. What musical movie has the song ‘It's the Hard-Knock Life’?”

You quickly write down ‘Annie’ on the paper next to the number one as he repeats the first question.

“Second question, the musical Hairspray is set in what American city?”

Once again, you write down ‘Baltimore’ immediately next to the number two as he repeats the question. 

And the process repeats itself all the way to the end. You, unsurprisingly, knew every answer, besides two. Thankfully Yelena seemed very confident in the answers, which led you to learning that while she was not an overall musical lover, she was obsessed with ‘SIX’, claiming ‘they all should have just murdered that idiotic king’. 

By the end, you and Yelena are laughing together and being shushed by other teams around you trying to think. Yelena pays them no mind while she tries to watch and see if her sister and her girlfriend are guessing the answers correctly by the way she’s writing. You tried to tell her that would be impossible to know, but the blonde paid you as little mind as she did the surrounding teams. 

Finally, the host announces for everyone to settle down and starts going over the list of correct answers. Yelena is practically levitating off the seat with how excited she is. Your team got every question right. “Okay everyone, count up your total of correct answers.” He waits a few seconds before beginning again, “raise your hand if your team got more than five correct.”

Faster than lightning, Yelena's hand is in the air, yours follows quickly. “Raise your hand if your team got more than ten correct.” Three other teams' hands go down. “Raise your hand if your team got more than fifteen correct.” Another two teams’ hands lower. Leaving your team, two other teams, and Yelena’s sister’s team, much to the blonde’s annoyance. 

“Raise your hand if you got more than seventeen correct.” One team puts their hands down. “Raise your hand if you got more than eighteen correct.” The other team drops their hands. Making the final two teams, ‘Mac n Cheese Lovers’ and ‘Traitors’, if you were to believe Yelena. 

“Looks like we have a tight race everyone, how exciting, keep your hands up if you got all twenty questions correct.” A moment of tense silence falls over the room, the redheads slowly lower their hands. A loud, piercing scream sounds off beside you, “Yes! Ha! I won! So much for ‘Yelena you don't know anything about musicals. Go find your own team’.” The blonde begins doing her victory dance as you laugh. She grabs your hand and motions for you to victory dance with her. And how could you say no when you are equally excited about the win.

“We have our winners, everyone congratulations to..” the host drags off his sentence.

“Mac n Cheese Lovers!” the two of you say while laughing and dancing together.

“Congratulations to ‘Mac n Cheese Lovers’. Thank you to everyone for coming out and starting off this year with a bang! I will see you at the next activity!” Slowly everyone staggers out of the student center and into the night as you’re exchanging Instagrams with Yelena and saying your goodbyes. 

Not even three steps away from the table, you hear someone speaking to Yelena, “Clearly, you didn’t win with your own lack of knowledge. So, what’s her name?” Not wanting to look back and have them know you’re listening, you keep walking as you hear Yelena reply “Madelyn. Why?”

Cursing yourself for not slowing down because now you’re too far away to keep trying to listen, you look over your shoulder right before walking out the doors. Locking eyes with two pairs of green eyes staring back at you.

-

Spending most of your days walking around campus and figuring out the quickest way to each of your classes, then finding a second route.., and a third route, just in case. Eventually making your way to the cafeteria since it’s the only food place open on campus until classes begin and sitting out in the quad people watching as more and more people arrive. You haven’t met up with the blonde, or the two mysterious redheads, you met at trivia since. However, you are often sending memes back and forth which you take as a small step towards your first new friend of the year. 

It’s officially one day until classes start and you still haven’t met your roommate. You have considered walking back to the welcome booth and asking if you even have a roommate since it’s extremely uncommon to not be moved into the dorms by this time. 

As much as most people would love to strike luck and get a free single, that is the absolute last thing you want. 

The universe finally seems to answer your silent worrying and wishing as you hear someone fumbling with the keys outside your door. Quickly, you hop from the bed and rush to open the door. Coming face to face with a dark haired brunette.

“Oh, good, you’re moved in already!” Taken aback by the woman’s words, your focus shifts between her and the large number of boxes next to her in the hallway.

“Do, uh, do you need help?”

“That’d be great. My name’s Kate. You’re Madelyn, right?”

A wave of shock hits you at hearing someone you’ve never met know your name. Seeing the look on your face causes Kate to laugh. She starts to shimmy inside and you hurriedly move to the side, so she can walk in easier. Once she’s in, you step out of the room and pick up one of the boxes. “It is, yeah. So, where do you want this?”

“You can just throw everything on the bed.”

It doesn’t take long for the two of you to move everything into the small dorm. Laughing as you both try to move around with the now limited floor space since Kate’s bed was quickly filled up with boxes. 

After an offer to help the brunette unpack her things, you figure out she is quite uncaring about her clothes, but she is very particular about her bow. You learn she joined the school archery team last year, but already stands to make captain for her second year. 

She tells you about how last year, on a dare, she hit the bell tower with an arrow. “So, you were the one who caused the crack in the bell tower?” Covering your mouth to try and hide your laugh. She looks at you with wide eyes, “I can’t confirm or deny which clock tower it was.”  

Which only causes you to lose all control and laugh wildly out loud. 

-

Successfully surviving the first four weeks of your second year in college, you get to celebrate at the first football game of the season. Thankfully, Kate is not into the sorority scene like your ex was, so you can go to the game together rather than alone.

With your back against your bed and your feet up the side of the wall, you’re waiting for Kate to get back from her archery practice. She made captain last week which led to you both sneaking out of the dorm at midnight and walking to the nearest pizzeria for a celebratory pizza. Your memory was promptly interrupted by the door slamming into the wall, “Shit. Sorry.”

Laughing at Kate’s mumbled apology to the girls next door who always complain about you two being unnecessarily loud. The brunette throws her sweaty t-shirt at your face which you quickly launch back at her as she softly shuts the door. 

“Hurry up and get ready, Bishop. The game starts in thirty minutes and you smell like a wet dog.”

“Your words are so sweet. Dipped in honey I would say,” Kate’s words laced with sarcasm as she playfully flips you off while kicking off her shoes. 

“Only in honey? You don’t get the soft rose petals or melted chocolate too?” Your words only earn you a deadpan stare from the archer. With a grunt, you push yourself off the wall and sit upright, “Don’t forget that tonight is a black out game, so you need to be in all black to show support.”

“Oh yes, I would hate not to show support. Unfortunately, all my black clothes are currently dirty-”

“I know, which is why I took the liberty of doing our laundry earlier today. Your outfit is laid out on the bed.” You say with a smile and move to make your fingers into the shape of a heart.

Kate can’t help but roll her eyes and laugh, “Of course, you did.” Walking up to her shower bag and picking it up, she heads to the door. “I will be back in no less than 10 minutes, Sargeant,” winking at you, knowing you hate the nickname, before quickly mumbling out, “and thank you for doing my laundry. You’re the best.” and walking out of the room.

Rushing a quick ‘You’re welcome’ out before the door shut. You begin getting dressed yourself, deciding on a black halter top and some black jean shorts with your black high-top converses. Throwing your hair up into a high ponytail, then pulling out your baby hairs so you don’t look like an egg.

True to her word, Kate walks back in 10 minutes later as you put headphones in and stare at the ceiling, you give your roommate privacy to get ready. 

Feeling your headphones ripped out of your ears causes you to face the archer as she smiles, “How do I look? Andrews approved?” Kate stands in front of you in black long sleeve cropped top and blacked ripped jeans.

Jokingly, you raise an eyebrow at her, faking a moment of contemplation before returning the smile, “You look hot. You will definitely grab whoever’s attention you want.”

“I don’t want anyone's attention, '' the brunette scoffs.  

“Sure you don’t and I don’t hope that my 7am professor is sick on Monday,” you retort.

“I don’t even think she is gonna be there,” Kate starts pulling on the sleeves of her shirt, “I don’t think football games are her thing.”

You take a moment to consider what to say. It’s been months since you had a crush on anyone and wanted to try and impress a girl. When you first found out your roommate started crushing on someone, you had been relentless in attempting to have her confess who it was. But as stubborn as you were, Kate was also head strong in keeping her secret. 

“Her loss then. We can post a picture and she’ll see everything she misses out on by skipping the game,” you wink. Linking arms, you and Kate walk out of the dorm and head to the field. 

The first stop you both make is the concession stand since food is the top priority any time the two of you leave the dorm together. Ordering you both an ICEE, yours being coke flavored and Kate’s cherry, and a hot dog each. 

Once arriving at your seats, you turn around and ask the girls behind you if they could take a picture for you. You both hold up your ICEEs, smiling as you cheer for the picture. 

Kate posts the picture on her Instagram, tagging you, and captions the post ‘I’m only here for the ICEEs’.

Quickly commenting ‘and my amazing company’ under her post. Then posting the picture onto your story with hearts underneath.

It’s not until the third quarter that you both finally relent and head to the bathrooms. While standing in line chatting about nothing and everything, the archer tenses beside you and presses herself between you and the wall, “what are yo-”

Kates proceeds to shush you and shrinks further into her hiding spot. Looking around to try and see what has your roommate acting so strange, you come up short since you don’t recognize anyone.

That is until you glance over to the concession line and notice Yelena, who you met your first day back on campus. Quickly turning around to Kate, “Oh, Kate. Do you remember how I told you I met this hilarious girl my first day back?“ You point over to the blonde, “She’s right there. Her name is Yelena.”

The brunette’s face pales suddenly. Worry rushes through you and your eyes immediately start scanning for what’s upset your friend so badly. Until it clicks, “Kate…Oh, Katie,” you start to whisper, “ is Yelena who you have a crush on?”

Her eyes met yours and you can tell you’re right. “I totally know her. I can introduce you if you want. Granted, I haven’t actually spoken with her for over a month, BUT we regularly exchange memes.”

Before Kate could give any response to you, you feel a tap on your shoulder and turn around.

“Madelyn, I thought it was you! How have you been?” Yelena says with a big smile on her face.

“I’m great. Settling into my classes and wishing I didn’t sign up for a 7am lecture that I completely don’t understand and will need to find a tutor for, the usual. How about you?”

As the blonde opens her mouth to reply, she notices Kate, “Bishop? Madelyn and Bishop? You two know each other?” .

“Roommates,” You both say at the same time before you continue, “We’re roommates. How do you know Kate?”

“She’s my lab partner,” she leans around you and looks at the brunette, “We have a project coming up and I’ve been meaning to reach out and figure out a time that works for you,” she runs her fingers through her blonde hair nervously.

A sneaky smile goes across your face, realizing that Yelena also seems to have a crush on Kate.

The archer stands up suddenly at her crush’s words, “I have archery practice most days, but I’m free on Tuesdays after 3pm, if that works.” 

Yelena simply smiles back, “Tuesdays are great, except, I’m in class until 4. How about you come to my apartment, it’s five minutes from campus, and we can eat and start our research?”

“Off campus?”

“Yeah, my sister and her girlfriend wanted to have a secluded place away from the sorority and invited me to stay there too.”

You nod, listening to the two speak while also trying to give them privacy by looking anywhere else in the slowest moving restroom line.

Suddenly, Yelena’s phone goes off, “Speaking of the devil,” she answers.

You can’t hear whoever it is super well over the crowd cheering at what must have been the best touchdown of the game but once they quiet down you hear that voice again from trivia night, the redheaded sister of Yelena.

The blonde turns over her shoulder to look near the concession line she just came from, “I just want a coke.” You look over in the same direction as Yelena, “No, I don’t want anything else. I will be right back. I was just saying ‘hey’ to Madelyn and Bishop. Get your underwear out of a twist. I’m heading back now. Bye.”

Your heart leaps out of your chest when you finally notice the redhead in line. Making eye contact with her deep green eyes for longer than normal which causes Kate to nudge your shoulder as it’s finally your turn to walk into the restroom.

“Sorry,” you mumble to your roommate before turning back with one final look, receiving a wink from both women.

Kate gives a quick goodbye to Yelena before she walks away and then pushes you through the door.

Your roommate tries to ask you about it in the restroom, but you firmly shut down that topic and turn the conversation around on her. If you had known her crush was on Yelena, then you would have tried long ago to set them up on a blind date. Which is probably why the brunette didn't say who she was spending her days thinking about.

Making your way back to the seats, thankfully, without running into anyone else, you try to wipe the redhead’s face out of your memory, feeling incredibly embarrassed for your behavior when seeing her. 

The last quarter of the game passes in a blur that you aren’t even aware the game ended until you notice the football players celebrating on the field and groups of people moving around you to leave at the same time. You glance up to the scoreboard and see the score, 30-28, your team winning.

Pulling out your phone, you swipe to pull up Instagram and post the scoreboard to your story, ‘our blood, our sweat, your tears’.

Linking your arm with Kate to make sure neither of you get lost on the way out of the stadium, the cool fall breeze whips at your shoulders the second you make it outside, but you welcome it after squeezing against every sweaty jock trying to get out of the stadium at the same time.

The two of you quietly laugh together when you look back to see people squeezing through the doors you just came through. 

Neither of you are paying attention and accidentally bump into someone, to your dismay it was Yelena’s sister. Your body goes rigid at the sight of her. A scowl on her face until she settles her eyes on you then she gives you a soft smile.

“So, so, so sorry about that. We should have paid more attention.” The redhead’s smile slowly grows bigger as you continue talking. “Sorry again.”

You go to turn away and drag Kate along when you feel a warm hand softly wrap around your bicep, “No, I should be ashamed for not giving you more attention when you’re around,” smirking slightly at you.

A small blush rushes to your cheeks, opening and closing your mouth a few times before giving a gentle nod to the woman before turning around again.

Once you are out of hearing range from the redhead, Kate starts laughing, “Oh, you’re like a fly trapped in the spider's web.”

With a quick glare to your roommate and a prompt slap to the arm, “Shut up.”

-

As you lay on your bed, winding down your night time routine, you decide to scroll Instagram. Liking posts from your roommate and best friend, Kate’s, account. You didn’t think you would get as close to the girl as you had, but the two of you got along surprisingly well. Usually, you would be watching a new episode of Grey's Anatomy together tonight, however, Kate finally gathered her nerves and asked out Yelena, her lab partner, on a date. 

Squealing and bouncing in your tiny dorm room bed, “Shut up! You did it? You finally admitted you have a crush on her?”

“I wouldn’t go that far!” The brunette laughs in response, “I just asked if she would want to go out to the new ax-throwing bar that just opened up.” She throws herself down on her back onto your bed, frowning and sounding much more somber. “But, Madelyn, Yelena asked if we could go this Thursday. She has to go to the sorority party this Friday.”

Moving around until you're laying down shoulder to shoulder with her, “Psh. Don’t even start, you are going and maybe even getting a second date for Friday.” Wiggling your eyebrows at her and shoving your body slightly into her. 

“If that happens, then you’re coming with me. You need to get out and finally move on from your ex.” Placing your hand over your heart, you playfully scoff and wave off a mumbled agreement, trying to steer away from another possible conversation to find out who your ex is.

Smiling as you recall the memory, you suddenly hear the door to your dorm unlock. 

Kate whispers to someone in the hall, who you assume to be Yelena, “Of course, I’d love to. See you tomorrow.”

Quickly, she walks in and immediately places her back on the door to close it. A wide grin on your roommate's face as she looks over to your bed. First kicking off her shoes, then running to jump into your bed. You stare at her, waiting for her to begin.

Kate sighs before exclaiming, “SHE ASKED ME OUT TO THE SORORITY PARTY TOMORROW!” Wrapping your arms around your friend as you jump together over the great news.”Get ready, Madelyn, you and I are going to a party!”

“Wait, Kate,” You pull back to look at her wide eyed, “I thought you were kidding.”

-

The party started at least an hour ago, but because of your indecisiveness on what to wear, which ended up just being a simple v cut blue dress with white high tops. As you both walk up, you stare at the brick house bursting with music. You hear Kate talking, “Party Rules 101. Don’t forget not to go upstairs with anyone. Do not accept a drink from anyone who is not me. I know you will want to leave early, so do not go without telling or texting that you’re heading out either. Okay?”

You blink a few times before you recognize she wants a reply, “Got it.” She smiles at you and takes your hands before walking up the porch steps.

Kate knocks on the white door. You wonder how anyone would be able to hear the knock inside with how loud the music is playing, but not even five seconds later the door is open. The sound of the music makes you take a step back. Anxiety washing over you instantly as you look down. You don’t even hear the words spoken between your friend and the redhead opening the door. 

Kate’s hold on your hand tightens in hopes to reassure you before she pulls you along to step inside. It isn’t until Kate’s other hand waves to get your attention off the floor that you look up and realize both girls are staring at you expectedly. “I’m sorry, what?” you say softly.

The redhead chuckles and repeats herself, “Hi, I’m Wanda and the Vice President here. We have two bathrooms downstairs, one by the kitchen and one by the laundry room. Also, two upstairs just in case. Drinks, of course, are in the kitchen or the backyard. Is there anyone you are looking for that I can direct you towards? Or anything I can get you to drink?”

“I’m looking for Yelena actually. Do you know where she is?” Kate quickly replies. “She’s in the living room playing beer pong,” Wanda points over to her left, “Go right through there and you will find her.”

With lightning speed, Kate drops your hand and rushes off to find the blonde. Your mouth hangs open as you stare off in the direction she flew. 

The redhead laughs as she looks at you before offering her arm, “Can I escort you anywhere?” Glancing around the foyer, you can't recognize anyone, so you nervously agree and link your arm with hers, “I don’t think I know anyone else here, so anywhere you want to go is fine with me.”

A bright smile spreads on the Vice President's face as she guides you out of the foyer and into the backyard to watch someone attempt a keg stand. You can’t help but look stunned as you watch the girl drink. “Would you like to try?” Wanda startles you with the question. Shaking your head no with absolute certainty that you could never have arm strength or lung capacity. 

After a few moments more of watching, she slowly guides you over to the pool. The redhead kicks off her shoes and motions for you to do the same. The two of you sit down along the edge and place your feet in the water. You start to mindlessly kick your feet along to the music that is playing throughout the speakers. “So, am I allowed to ask your name?”

Multiple memories come to mind with times the Vice President has heard your name, “I’m pretty sure you know my name.”

Wanda’s tongue drags underneath the bottom of her teeth, “Oh, I do, but I want to hear it from your pretty, little mouth.”

Your breath catches in your throat at her words, taking a moment to settle your racing heart, you slowly speak, “Madelyn.”

Deciding to try and control the conversation you cut her off before she could say anything else. “Do you usually take interest in random people that show up to your sorority’s parties?”

She chuckles at your question, “No, not usually. But I would not say you’re a random person. Plus I have never had the pleasure of someone as captivating as you walk through those doors.”

“Yeah, right.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at the redhead. 

She grabs your chin and makes you look up at her, “Oh I didn’t take you for the bratty type.” You could have sworn that her eyes sparkled when she said that. 

You shutter, trying to think of a reply. Your brain is completely lagging at the touch and sound of her voice. Wanda’s thumb moves and pushes between your lips, “Is there anything even going through that little head of yours?”

A small groan rips it way out your throat and your eyelids droop slightly. The redhead pushes down slightly onto your tongue.

Mumbling around her thumb, “Yes.” 

The Vice President’s smirks at your reply, “Yes,” She mocks you, “Yes, to what?”

You shift your eyes back to her as you take in the specific color of her eyes, a sparkling green, this time a soft moan comes out of your lips, “Please..”

You think Wanda must take pity on you because suddenly she drops her hand from your mouth. Everything about her seems to return back to when you first walked in the house. She’s back to being sweet and polite, it makes your head spin. “What brings you to the party tonight, Madelyn? Well besides escorting Bishop, of course.”

This was a question you didn’t know how to answer. Why were you here in the backyard of your ex’s sorority spending time with her Vice President? Glancing around the backyard, noticing that you still don't know anyone here, you sigh, “Honestly, I’m not sure. Kate said I needed to come if she got a second date because, apparently, I need to move on.”

“And do you want to?” She looks at you expectantly, “Move on, that is.”

“I don’t even know what I would have to move on from. It’s been months since we broke up. And she didn’t care about me long before that anyways.” You let out a dry laugh, “I don’t even think she liked me. She just liked sex with me.”

The look on the redhead’s face makes you stop your ranting, “Sorry, that is not proper party conversation,” you force out a laugh, “way too depressing.”

She smiles, dragging her eyes down your torso and onto your legs then pulling them back up before landing her eyes back on your face. “How would you like to find something to drink?” 

Thankful for her change in conversation, you smile slightly, “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

The two of you make your way through the house and into the kitchen, “What will it be? Beer? Vodka?” walking around the kitchen as you listen to her talk. “... Or maybe a juice box?” 

Whipping your head around, you glare at the Vice President, scoffing, “I’m not a child. I can drink alcohol.”

Right after you speak, you hear someone laughing from the archway. “Oh, Wands, what a delightful surprise,” she steps further into the small kitchen, “Tell me you were able to get us this cute little thing to play.”

This makes you snap your head quickly around again. A rush of arousal runs through you when your eyes lock onto the redhead, “And who the hell are you?”

The cheshire smile on her face makes it clear she remembers you, she moves towards you before gently lifting up your hand as she bows her head to place a soft kiss on it, “To you, Madam President.” 

“What the fuck.” You snatch your hand away and look towards the sparkling green eyed woman before returning your gaze in front of you.

“Oh, what a dirty mouth, I will have to clean that out.” The redhead smirks at you. Another wave of arousal hits you, gulping as you maintain eye contact, “Like you’d get the chance.”

Wanda speaks up, breaking the growing tension in the room, “Darling, wouldn’t she just be…” walking up and placing a finger under your chin, her voice dropping, “...divine?” 

You shutter at her words. Eyes bouncing between the two redheads suddenly much closer to you than before. Realizing they have successfully surrounded you, your arousal spiking but you choose to mask with slight panic. “So what is this then? Two spiders trapping someone in their web and then going in for the kill?” Puffing out your chest slightly, trying to gain back some more control. “You think the President and Vice President would require consent.”

Wanda chuckles in your ear behind you, “Oh dear, we do.” Bringing her finger up to brush some hair behind your ear before speaking softly, “We only accept enthusiastic consent. Absolute begging.”

Your knees wobble slightly at her words. “A little archer told us that you needed to move on, and typically we wouldn’t do rebound sex, but you…” The President takes a sharp inhale through her teeth, “You are too special to pass up.”

“So what do you say, baby, want to be ours for the night?” Wanda whispers.

A million thoughts race through your mind. Most importantly, the fact you’ve never had a threesome or sex with people you don’t really know. You look around the kitchen and notice how nobody else even acknowledges the two redheads circling you like prey. 

“I say,” You gulp, mustering all the fake confidence you can find. “I say show me a good time first and we will see.”

The two women share a sinister smile before they each drape an arm around you and walk you out of the kitchen and into a room that only stores a pool table and some chairs. 

“We have the next game.” The President says to the small group finishing up their game before walking you over to the side of the room. She lowers her hands to your hips and lifts you with ease onto the barstool behind you.

Shock fills your face at her actions before you glare at her, “Excuse you. I am perfectly capable of sitting in a seat by myself.”

The redhead simply smiles at you before moving to stand next to the side of your chair, absentmindedly running fingers through your hair. 

“Hello? Earth to you. Usually, when someone speaks to you it's polite to respond.” You huff and cross your arms over your chest. She gently turns your head to look at her. “Oh, come on. Don’t be like that. I’m sorry, baby. I won’t do it again.”

“Madelyn, I have a name and it’s not baby.” You scoff, “What is your name anyways?”

She winks at you before smirking, “I told you. To you, it’s Madam President.”

“That’s not a name. That’s a title. What’s your name?” Your eyes met the redhead locked in a standstill. You already know you won’t last long. Her eyes trap you in endless pools of deep green. They are powerful and unmoving, you huff, “What’s your name, Madam President?” 

The President lifts her hand and holds your lower lip before pulling it down and out slightly, causing you to look through your lashes to maintain eye contact, the action making you feel as if you’re losing the last shreds of your control. The redhead presses down the slightest bit more before pinching your lip and releasing it, “Natasha.” 

Wanda, who has been repeatedly running her fingers from your shoulder to the knee, leans over you slightly if only to be in your personal space, “Natty, it’s our turn now.”

You go to hop down, but yet again your hips are grabbed and you’re picked up and put down by Natasha’s hands. You give her a glare even as a blush starts covering your cheeks.

“Tsk, tsk. Don’t be like that. I would hate to have to spank that gorgeous ass for the first time surrounded by all these people.” Your blush deepens with your embarrassment at the volume the redhead spoke. The heat pooling between your legs only causes you more confusion. 

The three of you walk towards the table. Natasha moves to rack the balls and Wanda takes you over to pick out a cue stick, grabbing one for Natasha as well. 

It’s decided that you will be on your own team, which you tried to protest by saying you have never played a game of pool in your life, but your complaints fall on deaf ears. 

Wanda starts off by breaking the balls, officially starting your unfair game. She gets a solid into a pocket, “That makes you stripes, baby.” She says in a sickeningly sweet voice before getting two more solid balls into pockets. 

Standing there with your mouth open, you begin to complain, “This is so unfair. There is no way I will be able to even get close to hitting even one of these balls in!” 

“Okay, okay, I’ll help you in the first round,” Wanda says, holding up her hands. She walks over to you and shows you how to bend down and how to aim your cue stick. You lean down like she showed you but still, you feel her hand press down between your shoulders as she speaks in your ear, “Like this, darling. Eyes level with your target.”

Acutely aware this position has almost completely folded in half on the pool table, you pull back the stick and then push it forward with a decent amount of force. 

And you completely miss. 

To make matters worse, you got one of their balls closer to the pocket instead. Groaning, you stand up and look unamused at the two redheads who are both trying to hold back their smiles at your reaction, “This game is stupid.”

Natasha comes up to the table, leans down, noticeably higher than the position Wanda moved you into. She breathes in and out, then hits the cue ball, causing it to sink a solid ball into the nearby pocket. She glances up at you, smirking, while still leaning down. Causing a completely automatic eye roll. The redhead arches her eyebrow at you before moving to a new spot. She leans down, breathes in and out, and.. misses. “HA!” You cheer as your stripe ball goes into the pocket instead of the solid ball that was next it. 

You walk up to the table for your turn and glance to Wanda for her help again. Natasha subtly shakes her head, which you don’t notice since she was behind you. Wanda simply gives you a nod of her head, encouraging you to try by yourself. So you lean down and focus on which ball you’re aiming for and what pocket is your goal.

Breathing in and out a few times before pulling back your cue stick on your inhale and pushing it forward on your exhale. As the stick connects with the cue ball you feel a stinging on your ass. You immediately stand up and spin around with a glare, “Hey! That’s not fair.”

The President laughs as she looks over your head, “Well, it seemed like good luck because you got the ball in.”

Spinning around again to see if she was lying but there, clear as day, you see your stripe ball missing from the table and sitting in the pocket. “Don’t think for a second that I won't punish whiny, bratty behavior though, baby.” Natasha whispers in your ear, her front flush against your back, “Now, say thank you.”

You shiver at her words. The logical part of your brain can’t stop wondering why you should thank her for spanking you, but when you feel her hands on your hips as she pulls them closer to her own, that part of your mind goes blank. The heat between your legs grows even hotter and you let out a soft sigh before fingers hook under your chin and guide you to look up at Natasha, “Say thank you.” She softly growls. 

“Thank you.” It comes out more as a pant than actual words but the redhead is pleased enough.

The rest of the game crawls by slowly as each redhead tries to work you up with innocent touches and whispered words. Your head becomes fuzzy in the best way, but even in this state you are completely aware that every other stripe ball that’s gone in is because of Wanda and Natasha simply trying to keep the game going. 

With all solid and striped balls now off the table it’s down to whoever can sink the 8 ball in the game. 

Wanda glances at you before smirking, “What if we make a little bet out of this?”

You can’t help but let out a dry laugh, “Are you joking? This whole thing is already a game of if you two can get me into bed.” Natasha licks her lips at your words, causing your cheeks to blush even more than they were. 

The Vice President ignores your reply, “Great! So I was thinking, if we sink the 8 ball, then you give us a strip show,” you arch your eyebrow at the redhead, “and if you sink the 8 ball, then you give us a strip show.” She winks at you. 

“That’s absolutely-” You're cut off by Natasha speaking, “Deal.”

“Deal?” You shriek as the two redheads shake each other's hand, “You two cannot agree on this without me also agreeing.”

They both come up to you and place a hand on your cheek, “And do, baby?” Wanda mumbles into your ear. Right after Natasha says, smirking, “Wanna make a deal?”

Your skin flushes at their voices, your mind hanging onto their every word. You slowly close your eyes and your head falls back slightly. Wanda lowers her head to breathe along your neck, occasionally brushing her tongue against it while Natasha’s fingers tangle around your hair, pulling it back. 

A soft moan hits your ears, shocking you when you realize it came from you. Suddenly coming back to yourself, you lightly push off the women, clearing your throat to try and fake your control over yourself once again. “If I sink the 8 ball,” you take a deep breath, “then I decide the next time you touch me.”

Both redheads simply nod their heads in agreement before extending their arms to allow you space for your shot. Looking over the table and considering all the choices you quickly realize that you absolutely have no shot at winning. Ignoring every other reason besides the obvious one, you didn’t want to win.

But you wouldn’t make it apparent to the President and Vice President. 

So you lean down, “Corner pocket.” You spend a considerable amount of time figuring out your angle and practicing the strength of your hit. With one more inhale, you pull back the cue stick then exhale and strike the cue ball.

You hit the 8 ball but it stops just short of falling into the pocket. You give a shy smile to the women before stepping back. 

There’s a silent conversation going on between the redheads before Wanda nods and steps up to the table. “Corner pocket.” She winks at you before aiming at the cue ball and without any delay she strikes. The 8 ball disappearing into the corner pocket. 

Without even a second to think, your feet are suddenly lifted into the air and over Natasha’s shoulder. Wanda comes up to grab the cue stick from you and places it on the pool table.

Once you realize the redhead plans to walk out of the parlor room with you over her shoulder, you begin to protest, “Wait. Wait. I can walk. You don’t have to think I’ll back out of the bet.”

You feel a soft hand brush the back of your thigh as the sparkling green eyed woman steps into your view. 

“Oh, baby, we know, but Natty here is a very proud winner and wants to show you off,” her thin fingers smoothing down your hair. You stare at her dumbfounded as she swipes her thumb across your lower lip, “If you’re a good girl then we’ll give you an extra special reward. Can you do that for us?”

The Vice President allows you your time to process as you blink a few times before nodding your head. 

A swift smack to your ass has you gasping as Natasha corrects your action, “Words baby.”

“Yes.” Another softer smack to your ass. “Yes, I can be a good girl.”

Both redheads make a pleased humming sound before walking out of the room. You try to avoid eye contact with all the partygoers. The blush across your face and chest only grows at your slight embarrassment. 

It isn’t long until you're walking up to the stairs. Suddenly stopping right at the bottom, trying to turn your body at the sound of Kate’s voice. Mortification slams into you when she leans around the redhead holding you to look at your face. 

Her tone relentlessly teasing, “Now, I thought I told you not to go upstairs with anyone,” the memory of her words at your arrival pulled to the front of your mind.

Rolling your eyes at your roommate only caused her to laugh further at your predicament. 

Yelena speaking prompts the brunette to move back into the circle of conversation with her and the redheads, “Don’t kill the poor girl. It would severely ruin my chances with Bishop.”

Natasha laughs at her sister’s comment, “Please, the only thing she’ll get is mind altering pleasure,” pinching your ass when finishing the sentence. “Now, I’d love to chat, but I have a bet to cash in on.”

Wanda leading the way up the stairs, pausing as Kate speaks, looking up at your roommate, “She has a study group tomorrow morning at 10am! She can’t miss it!”

The redheads laugh, continuing up the stairs, the President turns slightly as she walks and salutes to the brunette, “Aye, aye, Captain.”

Less than fifteen steps later, you’re carried into a large room. Your heart stopping completely at the sound of the door closing and locking. As if noticing the slight pure panic, Wanda stands by the door twisting the handle, “It locks from inside, so if you twist the handle, then it’s automatically unlocked,” then she relocks the door.

Nodding your head in thanks and understanding of her words, she gives you a reassuring smile in return.

Then, Natasha lightly throws you onto the bed, a grunt leaving your lips, leaning over you, she smirks. Wanda comes up to sit beside your head and gently rubs your forehead with her thumbs.

The deep green eyed woman locks her eyes with yours before placing a soft kiss on your chest, then throwing herself to the empty side of you. 

“Now, don’t keep us waiting,” you turn your head to see sparkling green eyes looking at you.

They wait a few seconds before both women have another silent conversation. Suddenly, you startle the redheads by standing up.

Standing with your hands on your hips, stilling your voice and shifting on your feet, “Well, this will be rather awkward to do in silence.”

The President smirks at you before pulling out her phone and playing ‘Supermassive Black Hole by Muse!’ from her speaker. 

Slowly you begin to sway your hips and drag your fingers across your chest. Kicking your shoes off as sexually as you can. You let the song play for about twenty seconds before you lean down and run your nails up your legs stopping where your thighs meet your center. 

Turning around, you hook one finger under your right strap and pull it down, staring directly into sparkling green eyes. Then, turning your head to face the other direction and repeat the action, but slower, as you look into the deep green eyes.

Your dress only stays up from pushing out your chest. You continue to dance around until you slowly sit down onto your knees. Rolling onto the ground, your head closer to the women,  arching your back as you begin to spread apart your knees. Never looking away from the redheads as your knees hit the floor. Watching as both women tighten their grips on the bed sheets. 

Straightening your legs and bringing them back together, slowly using all your core strength to sit up rather than using your hands. You turn around and crawl over to the bed, standing before placing one foot on the President’s thigh.

She brings her hand up to gently hold onto your calf before digging her nails in. Biting your lip at the minimal pain before moving your hands across your chest, breathlessly Natasha speaks, “God, don’t be that much of a tease. Let Daddy see.”

Grabbing her hands, you bring them up to your chest, she squeezes before pulling down your dress exposing your breasts, strangely thanking yourself for foregoing a bra tonight.

The cool air in the room feeling amazing on your burning skin.

Lowering your foot, you walk over to the Vice President and bend how she showed you earlier during your game of pool. A loud hum of approval leaving her mouth.

Keeping your position, you gather the material at the hem of your dress and pull it over your head. Leaving Wanda staring directly at your covered center. Her finger gently travels up the inside of your thighs, never reaching the apex.

Noticing the dark patch on your light gray underwear, she speaks mockingly, “Do you want Mommy and Daddy to take care of that for you?”

A small moan slips out as you feel two different fingers suddenly press against the dark spot. 

“Words, baby,” both women huskily say at the same time.

“Please, please,” you’re all but moaning.

A smack on your ass that you can tell was from Wanda by the feeling of rings soothing the sting, “Be specific, baby.”

You breathe in and out a few times before roughly swallowing, “Please, take care of me.”

The redheads, losing their lack of control, slowly decide that your answer was good enough for now, for the first time.

Natasha walks around to face you, her hands find your shoulders and makes you stand up. Wanda moves further back on the bed, removing her shirt and bra before leaning against the pillows.

Grabbing onto the President’s face, you stand on your tip toes and connect your lips to hers. She eagerly begins kissing you back, nipping at your lip. Moving her hands to your ass, smacking your ass lightly, so you’ll jump into her arms.

Continuing to kiss you as she walks to the side of the bed and places you down. Ending your kiss, a low whine comes from you. Sealing your lips quickly but both women have already heard you and have lust flashing through their eyes. 

“Now, go ahead and make Mommy feel good while Daddy makes you feel good.” Nodding your head at the redhead’s directions, you turn around and crawl up the bed and between Wanda’s spread legs. She holds up her hands and guides your lips to her nipple.

Natasha begins to massage your ass and tease your slit over your underwear, soaking them further by the second. 

Sucking and pulling on the Vice President’s left nipple, bringing your right hand up to roll her right nipple between your fingers. You continue this while feeling the unending teasing around your clit.

Popping off Wanda’s left nipple, you drag your tongue across her chest until you can wrap your lips around the right nipple, twirling your tongue around the nub.

On the first suck, you feel a rush of cool air hit your center as your underwear is pulled down your legs, moaning loudly at the sensation. Without even a second to spare you feel the redhead’s tongue lick up the wetness on your lips before softly pushing her tongue inside your entrance.

Your jaw slacks at the feeling, your head falls away from the needy nipples in front of you. The redhead pulls you back against her nipple, “That’s a good girl. You’re giving Mommy so much pleasure,” holding you close to feel every sound come from your lips, moans of her own filling the room.

Natasha licks her way up to your clit. Giving soft licks before wrapping her lips around your clit, humming, then pulling softly on the bundle of nerves.

Your knees start shaking at the pleasure, causing you to fall further onto Wanda. 

“Oh, fuck,” you mumble around the nipple.

Bringing her fingers up to your clit, rubbing circles, “Come on, baby. You're such a good girl for us.”

Her fingers slowly push into you, curling slightly against your velvet walls. “Fuck, baby, you’re so wet. Let Daddy make you cum, alright?”

A truly unholy sound fell from your lips, clenching around Natasha’s fingers, Wanda lifts your head slightly, so you could reply, “Please, make me cum.”

Lowering her mouth back to your clit as she sucks, licks, and nips all over while her fingers continue a relentless pace. Wanda brings her own finger to your nipples and begins rolling them between her fingers. “God, everything about you, baby. Everything is perfect,” pulling at the nubs blurring the line between pain and pleasure.

“Fuck,” your voice cracking at exclamation. Shaking from the stimulation, the coil in your stomach tightens more with each second.

Wanda leans her head forward next to your ear, “Come for Mommy, baby. Come all over Daddy.”

A simultaneous pinch from the Vice President's fingers on your nipples and the President's pinch on your clit has a wave of pleasure crashing over you, a scream rips from your throat as you cum all over Natasha’s face and fingers and fall on top of Wanda.

Dragging out your orgasm not stopping until she's pulled every sound from your lips does she begin to lick up all traces of your orgasm, sitting up and moving towards the other. You look up just in time to see them share a deep kiss, each moaning at the taste of you on their tongues. 

Breaking apart, deep green eyes look at you, “Do you have another one in you, baby? You came hard enough to drown me,” lust shining in her eyes.

“I’ll do whatever you want, just make me cum that hard again,” your eyes pleading. 

Smirking at you, Wanda moves you to scoot down the bed, tapping your thighs. It takes a second for you to realize where she wants you, but you quickly move to hover above her face. Natasha settles between her girlfriends thighs, removing her skirt and underwear in one pull, “Now, this will be a sight to see,” lowering her mouth immediately, sucking the redhead’s clit into her mouth the way she likes.

Biting your lip at the sight, you sit down, your eyes connecting with the deep green ones between the redhead’s thighs. Allowing the Vice President to move you where she’s most comfortable. Feeling her tongue push into your entrance has you arching your back.

Natasha’s fingers move to Wanda’s clit, rubbing at a brutal pace. Below you the redhead sucks in a sharp breath. Moving to drag her teeth along your clit. 

Your hips arch at the feeling, soft grunts passing from your lips, “Shit.”

Pulling you back against the redhead’s mouth, “Tsk, tsk, where do you think you’re going, baby girl?”

Rutting your hips against the face below you. Moans and pleas mumbling out of your mouth at the suction of your clit. Natasha sits up, keeping her fingers on Wanda’s clit, and leans towards you. Digging your nails into her shoulders, as she begins to leave soft bites along your chest before kissing up your neck. 

Inhaling sharply as her teeth sink into your pulse point, sucking harshly on the delicate skin, “Such a dirty mouth.” 

The pleasure on your clit increases, building up your orgasm quickly. Moaning as you drag your nails down the redhead’s back.

Wanda becomes sloppy underneath you, hinting at her own release coming soon. “Mommy’s getting close. Come with Mommy, baby,” Natasha mumbles against your neck, pushing you right to the edge. 

Sucking your earlobe into her mouth and biting down on your soft skin, “Seeing how you ride Mommy’s face makes me wonder how well you would ride Daddy’s dick,” her words sending both you and the woman beneath you over the edge. 

The Vice President slowly licks your cunt to clean you as the President drags her finger through her girlfriend’s release. Bringing them up to your mouth, “Be a good girl,” and pushing them between your lips. 

A sinful moan escapes both of your lips, though for different reasons. Exhaustion riding through your body allows Natasha to gently lift you off Wanda’s face and leans you against the pillows.

Your eyelids fight too close to receive a moment of rest, quickly winning over your desire to stay conscious. Both women get off the bed walking into the en-suite and cleaning themselves up quickly, returning with a towel for you.

Noticing your sleeping form, the two exchange a look before Wanda’s soft hands spread your knees and gently clean you up. 

“She’s perfect for us,” the President whispers.

“She is, but how can we convince her of that,” the Vice President whispers back.

As a plan forms in her mind, the redhead smirks, “We will just have to show her.”

Wanda throws the towel aiming for the laundry hamper, but misses, before laying down into the bed next to you. Natasha follows suit, listening to the music thrum downstairs while closing her eyes.

-

Groaning and swatting at the air when you hear the familiar sounds of a phone alarm going off.

Your messy morning hair is removed from your face, startling you into opening your eyes. Confusion flashing through you until you see two pairs so similar yet different green eyes.

“Wha-,” you begin, but are cut off.

“I would have let you sleep in more, baby, but we need to get you dressed for your study group. The last thing I need is my little sister trying to murder me for ruining her chances with the archer.” 

Blinking a few times, begging for your brain to catch up, yet all your mind can think of is, “Her name is Kate.”

The redheads smile at you, “Yes, of course, we apologize,” Wanda says sincerely.

With a pat on your thigh, Natasha sits up, “Now, I don't think you want to go to your study group in that little blue dress you were wearing last night, so you can borrow something of ours.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I can just run to my dorm. I need to brush my teeth anyway, so it’s okay.” However the looks you receive fills your mind with doubt, “What time is it?”

“9:45am,” Wanda grimaces. Your jaw falls open at the realization that you will definitely not make it in time unless you go straight there. Cursing yourself for not understanding your math course better and needing to go to the study groups in the first place, with a deep breath you look up at the women, “Show me the outfit.” 

Standing in the mirror you can’t complain. It was a simple pair of medium washed jeans, though slightly too long since you are shorter than both women, they have been cuffed and paired with a loose long sleeve shirt sporting their sorority name and logo. You felt a bit like a walking advertisement. The worst part, yet best part, was the sports bra Natasha gave you to wear. 

Cringing as you put on your soiled underwear from the night before, you throw on your shoes and tie your hair into your best messy, not messy, bun. Hurrying down the stairs towards the front door. To your surprise, the redheads follow behind you. Thinking they must be the type to walk out guests, you say nothing. 

Reaching for the door handle, you're cut off by Wanda’s ring-covered hand opening the door for you, extending her arm in an ‘after you, ladies first’ motion. 

Arching an eyebrow at the action before turning to face them, “Thank you for the clothes. I’ll return them washed by the end of next week, swear,” beginning to turn back around before stopping and facing them again, whispering, “and thank you for last night too,” then rushing down the steps of the porch.

Stepping out of the doorway both women laugh before replying, “Now, that you don’t need to thank us for.” Trying to hide your blush from the redheads as you speed walk down the sorority's front lawn, checking your phone for the time, seven minutes to get there, thinking ‘I can do it’ as you break out into a run across campus. 

[raayllum]

Transcript of Aaron Ehasz Interview (Sept 2024)

Podcast link here. Transcript down below with bulk under a read more.

R: Alright so welcome back to the Wordswithdragons podcast, and today I’m joined by a very special guest, the co-creator of The Dragon Prince, Aaron Ehasz. 

A: Hello, thank you for having me today. Glad to be here.

R: Thank you so much for being here. Um, yeah, so, as we semi touched on, it is the 6 year anniversary of The Dragon Prince this September 14th.

A: Yeah.

R: Do you have any thoughts, reflections, feelings about the show having gone on for this long and being such a big part of people’s lives?

A: I mean for starters, it’s really hard to believe it’s been on for six years. Like that seems insane to me. Cause it seemed like we had — Justin and I had been working on it for so long before it finally came out because we had worked on the story and then gotten feedback, and help in improving that pitch and bringing it out and we had it set up at Netflix, and we had to — we wrote the pilot obviously, and we didn’t know where we were gonna produce it, and found Bardel. So there was so much time between even just starting to think about it and when it came out.

R: Yeah, cause that was like 2015, right?

A: Yeah, I guess we started the journey in 2015 and we got with Bardel by the end of 2016, and it got released evidently in 2018, so... Yeah, yeah, cause I remember even we were writing kind of the end of season 3 when we had that panel with Marco and named the character after Marco.

R: Oh yeah.

A: The character [chuckles] from the first episode, we only had an opportunity for him to say his name out loud in that last episode because we were writing the ending while we were showing the episodes for first time, so. Anyway, that’s my reflection, it’s great it’s been six years.

R: Yeah. I know The Dragon Prince has been a really like — both life changing and I think, like, life affirming experience for a lot of people, myself included. So we just really appreciate everybody’s hard work on the show and are very excited for season 7 and hopefully beyond as well. As well for any future projects that Wonderstorm comes out with, like Bonders sounds amazing.

A: I feel — well first of all, thank you for saying that it’s life affirming, that’s such a nice thing to hear about something you’ve worked on, but I also agree that Justin and I feel a ton of gratitude for the whole team and the work and heart that everyone put into making this. I think people wanted it to be meaningful and special and that takes a certain kind of energy and vulnerability to build something like that, that you share, and our whole team really did give that in building the show.

R: Yeah. I think for sure. I think that’s like, um, I was even — I was rewatching some of the show earlier for — for a parallel, and it was the scene between Avizandum and Zubeia when she goes to him in like her kind of corruption dream semi-nightmare, and obviously that’s such a heartfelt, touching scene, and it’s always so strange. Because on the one hand, you should hate Avizandum, he killed Sarai and Rex Igneous has rightful criticism of him, but then you watch that scene of him and he really did love his family, so I think the show being able to draw out those strong, conflicting emotions for so many of the characters is one of the reasons why it connects with people to the degree that it does.

A: And that’s one of the themes you probably see in the show — just gonna make a quick —

R: Yeah, yeah for sure. 

A: Avizandum, which is that being a good dad can make up for awful lot of [R laughs] monstrosities, as long as you’re doing it in the name of being a good dad. I’m joking, uh. Of course, yeah, Avizandum was always meant to be a complicated figure like many of our characters. 

R: You mentioned that you guys have been working on — I think season three during this panel with Marco, or Marcos, and I remember, I think you’ve said before that the seasons get worked on concurrently, that there’s a decent amount of overlap.

A: Yeah.

R: I’ve always wondered, because we know — obviously, I’m a big Rayllum fan — but I’ve always wondered, cause I know they weren’t originally planned, and then you guys were boarding season two when you were like, “Hey, maybe this should be a thing,” and then probably like shifted and tweaked things or changed things to write more towards that in the future... Um, I’ve always wondered, if there was time, like at that time, to go back and change anything in season one for them, or the season one that we see was just like that?

A: I don’t recall there was time to change season 1 — that does happen because we are working on things in parallel because we are working on something in the script and then some time later we are working on the later stage of production, like an animatic, and we’ll be able to kind of give notes or even make changes with the knowledge of what’s coming, so that has happened. But in the case of Rayllum, I don’t think so. I mean, I think — again, I remember...

R: It was a while ago, yeah.

A: We were rekindling, or when we were realizing that something was being kindled between them, it was watching an animatic so that shouldn’t have informed our writing of season one, but our later stage stuff. But we weren’t trying to force anything so it got in there naturally and I don’t think we went back and changed anything.

R: Yeah, that’s what I’ve always — they had those kind of vibes to me from like episode two and three, obviously season two brought a lot more people on board, but I was always curious. Cause in season one, like, I think, it feels so natural, it feels so organic, and like I’ve shown — one of the things I love about Dragon Prince is it’s a great way to connect with friends and family and you kind of catch up with each other like through the show, of “oh have you seen the new season yet?” and that sort of stuff. And so when I’ve shown the show to like my brother-in-law, who is not plugged in at all, he also kind of picked up on it in season one, so I’ve always been curious. 

A: You know, what else, I’ll even say, I think we initially, intentionally planned they weren’t going to be a couple. We were like “Oh yeah, no, they’re—”

R: Friends, yeah.

A: Friends, with different views of the world and they journey together, and we don’t want them to be a couple. We’re not — we’re definitely not targeting it. I think we were intentionally not targeting it, and then it was “too bad creators! [R laughs] We’re going to fall in love despite everything you’re planning.”

R: Well, that very much I think even fits what they represent to each other, of like you don’t have to do this path that you think you have to do...

A: Yeah.

R: You can be something new. I always kind of felt like Ezran and Zym were — felt very kind of like designed as foils, as like a pair, of like through Zym, Ezran learns more so like how to grow up, and they’re both like the princes who will be king, and then Callum and Rayla also kind of felt sort of like developed as a pair, in terms of like — he needs to gain more confidence, she’s pretty confident on the surface.

A: Yeah.

R: She needs to learn how to open up, he’s really good at being open especially in the beginning.

A: Right. 

R: So I was always like...

A: He needs to be murdered, she needs to learn how to murder someone.

R: Yeah! They complete each other, yeah. Uh... Some other questions that I had [rapid typing]. So I guess, maybe, I have some questions that are more season specific, in respect to time, but I also had like more general questions. 

A: Okay.

R: So, one of the things I’ve always love in general and really love about The Dragon Prince is its like use of philosophy and like its deeply interested in ethical and moral questions, and presenting some answers for some of them, but like are those the right answers? We don’t know. 

A: Right.

R: So I know King Harrow’s choosing of Lady Justice’s blindfold is a pretty apt comparison to John Rawls’ Veil of Ignorance—

A: Yes.

R: Of, you know, you strip away everything that you could have, like advantages, disadvantages, and think, would the system work for me? Which has been useful when I’ve like, had to tutor students in philosophy actually, but I was curious, were there any like philosophical concepts or ideas that people really, or you really, wanted to work into the series? ‘Cause we have a lot of trolley problems.

A: Right. Um, probably. I mean like, I should say, I was a philosophy concentrator in college so I absorbed a lot. Things like  Rawls, I had a class with John Rawls, and thought that was a really interesting concept and I liked including it, and I thought we can include it in a fun way, the idea of justice. So other philosophy probably makes its way in, it can makes its way in accidentally or subconsciously, so nothing specific right now comes to mind. I will say, as with kind of Avatar before this, I don’t like to have — I’m not trying to have a right answer, ever. I’m trying to have the characters have a deeper understanding of what they’re struggling with, and y’know, move in a direction of deeper understanding, so if anything, it’s more interesting to me to see conflicts between maybe philosophical approaches that are different and see how — Oh well, this has these kinds of results, and positives and negatives, and this has... so that the audience can have a chance to say, “Oh well okay, I have some thoughts on that,” or “here’s what I feel,” and that’s why sometimes I think we see the fandom actually kind of go back and forth—

R: Yeah.

A: On — around characters and people’s choices, and things like dark magic or Viren, which are controversial, are things where like, I do not have a strong point of view on... the kind of binary right or wrong of... Viren in the long term. He’s made a lot of wrong choices and he’s made a lot of choices for good. 

R: Yeah.

A: He is an arrogant and power hungry person and he’s also a caring and loving father and someone who wants to have a positive impact on the world, right, like?

R: Yeah.

A: So those conflicts play out in him. But similarly, I think with maybe most of the philosophical ideas I can think of, I’d rather get to like a place where everyone just has a chance to entertain those thoughts and ideas and struggle with them, or hold them in an authentic way, and then can come to their own conclusions and feelings. I mean, I have some deep feelings about like, the world, and how can people be optimistic or not pessimistic or—y’know, what it means to hold onto hope or what it means to try to move past conflict, and I have beliefs that there are conflicts that get so you know, kind of sewn in, that they feel they are impossible to untangle, and especially if the game you’re playing is who started it, or who did the worst thing, where you can’t just ever untangle it. You can’t ever find a right or wrong, so how do you get past that? That’s one of the questions I was hoping Rayla, Callum, and Ezran would try to—

R: Figure it out.

A: Struggle with. Anyway, I’m giving a very long winded answer—

R: No, no.

A: That’s the philosophy that comes to mind. If something comes to mind for you, you can bring it up and I can go, “Oh yeah, that was probably influenced by so-and-so.” [R laughs] Or maybe not.

R: Well, one of the things I loved about season six was kind of — you see, even... One of the things I thought was really interesting was we see, not quite like that return to trolley problems, but we see Aaravos at the end of season 5 is telling Viren you have to make the sacrifice so that you can live, and then we see Rayla tell Callum, “Hey, if the choice ever happens, you also have to sacrifice me,” for — so Callum can live, but also for like the greater good and that sort of stuff. And then you have Kpp’Ar, who — I love Kpp’Ar, I think he’s terrible and interesting and I love him.

A: Awesome. He is — we’ll learn a little more about him in the future, but yes.

R: And obviously when Viren’s like, “A child will die,” and this is a kid that Kpp’Ar would’ve known, and we see in The Puzzle House that he loved these kids, and whatever is up with the Staff is bad enough that Kpp’Ar’s like, “Okay. I’ll make that sacrifice.” Which feels very much in a way like he’s given up on dark magic, and to a certain degree he’s both given up on the mindset of dark magic, and maybe also hasn’t given it up in the same way. Like I love that — Claudia, you know, obviously, puts Viren above all else, is she always right to do so? Maybe not, but we get why she’s doing it, that’s a hard thing to say. And then we have Callum, who also seems inclined to put Rayla above all else, and because we like Rayla more, we’re like “Yeah, he can do that, it’s okay for him to do dark magic for her, that’s fine,” even if there’s also like, consequences. Cause most characters in the show, like you said, everybody kind of wants the same thing, they wanna have a positive impact on the world, they want to protect their loved ones, but what constitutes that world, what they think is a positive impact, or who they want — how they protect those people, that’s all very malleable and can fluctuate. Viren says “Claudia, you’re on the wrong path,” and we’re like yeah, he’s right, and Karim says the same thing about Janai, like the exact same thing, and we’re like, well he’s wrong.

A: Yeah. I mean a lot of things come to mind when you’re talking through that, but one is there’s often a conflict between rigidity and rules and some kind of compassion, or emotional decision, and those decisions are hard, right? Like I dunno, maybe Kpp’Ar should’ve said, “Okay just this once, it’s Soren,” or not, I don’t know. I mean obviously Kpp’Ar had taken himself to some deep horrible place and he really had, actually. And was like, “Okay, dark magic is just corruption when you start and keep going down this path, but this Viren’s kid so I don’t know.” One of the things here, I think there’s a relationship between — you know, sacrifice plays a role here. Sacrifice and thinking about generations and generational conflict and thinking you know maybe in a way I think is interesting. I think about the beginning of season 6 when Claudia has done all of this and sacrificed another life but also sacrifices some of her soul or whatever to save her dad and he’s like “No no! This is not the way! A parent is supposed to do this for a child but never the other way around,” right? And there’s something to that I find interesting which is — it’s almost the inverse of children having the opportunity to start anew and break cycles, parents potentially have the opportunity to make sacrifices that don’t pass by burdens onto their kids, but sort of like that’s the mirror I see a little bit, in terms of how do you have generational change and evolution? It’s somewhere in younger generations being able to not get stuck on conflicts and burdens, but also the older generations recognizing that they may have to be the one to take the — and this is I think a natural... I dunno, it’s something I think about a little bit and came to mind when you were talking. So we’ll see more about what is the meaning of sacrifice and when — when do you... trade? Yeah.

R: Yeah.

A: Side note on sacrifice. You’re familiar with Game of Thrones? You’ve watched all of Game of Thrones?

R: I’m decently familiar, yeah.

A: Okay.

R: And if not, I can have Kuno explain it to me later, so.

A: One of the things I love about the sacrifice Ned made, that we didn’t realize he’d made until I think the very end of the series, we realize — a sacrifice to his kind of reputation, right? And I’m talking about him representing Jon Snow as his bastard to protect him, right? Think about that, that’s a sacrifice, he had to go through the anger — he didn’t tell his wife the truth, he didn’t tell anyone, because it was the only way to protect the child, and as a result he lived with — even though the truth is that he was a really honest, good, or evidently he didn’t go cheat on his wife, he sacrificed that part of his reputation to protect Jon, at least how I see it. I think things like that are kind of interesting. I dunno.

R: Yeah. Yeah, I think it speaks to that idea of — one of the things I love about Dragon Prince is it’s so much about choices.

A: Yeah.

R: Like one of the things I really really liked about season 6 was that, you know, Callum is like, “Okay, I’m going to get myself purified, healed of dark magic,” and Rayla was his light, which was very validating, cause I had noticed in season two there was like some framing so I was like well “Maybe, maybe” you know? And then slowburn buildup but it was — I think that was a great moment that really paid off. And he’s told “if you ever do this again, it’ll corrupt you completely.” And whether he will or won’t — I personally think that he will, but spoilers, you know — but whether he will or won’t, I think it’s really nice because now whatever choice he makes, he’s making with the full context, of what this would do to him.

A: Yeah.

R: Whereas in season two, yes he was making his choice to do dark magic then, and I don’t necessarily think he would make a fundamentally different one if he had known what it would lead to, but there’s a different kind of awareness. Like I always of it would’ve been so easy to have Harrow not know that Viren was going to kill Zym, cause that’s such an easy way to kind of let Harrow off the hook of well Viren went off and did this on his own, and Harrow had no idea, and blah blah blah, right? Cause we like Harrow, he’s a — again, he’s a good dad, we’ll forgive a lot. And instead, it’s not his idea but he’s fully aware, he signs off on it. And I think constantly pushing characters to make hard choices — kind of like what Ezran says, “these aren’t dreams, these are choices.”

A: Yeah.

R: You can choose love, you can choose to make... It’s something that makes all the characters feel so fully developed and interesting, so I always appreciate that you guys push them to make the hard choice. 

A: Yeah. Cool. Thank you.

R: One question I did have is, uh, Karim is one of my favourite characters.

A: Okay. Unusual person. A lot of people hate — or love to hate...? I love him too. 

R: I also love Kasef, so I think I just kind of love everyone, because I’m like well, they’re really interesting. I feel like [Karim’s] arc was one of the things I loved most about season 4 because you can see him really wrestling with his choices and I love watching him fail, cause that’s kind of all he does, so that’s always fun. But I am really curious obviously now he’s been betrayed by Sol Regem, Katolis is in ashes and maybe they’ll blame Karim for that cause Sol Regem is like — dead, and now, presumably his only hope is going to be that his sister doesn’t execute him on the spot? 

A: Yeah.

R: So is there anything you can tease about Karim’s arc in season 7?

A: Yeah, so — so it’s not just Karim, there’s an army of people who betrayed Janai, and — and...

R: What do we do?

A: Yeah, what do we do? That will be something we’ll have to see them grapple with pretty much right away in the season. Especially cause [Karim’s army] showed up for this battle where they were never even — they were just planning to sweep up the ashes afterwards, so when they didn’t get the dragon support they needed, I suspect they lost really quickly. 

R: Yes, yeah.

A: So uh... Yeah, but basically as of the start of season 7 — all of them are prisoners of Queen Janai and the question is — what do you do with that? What do you do when you have an entire army and your own brother who betrayed you? And so that’s — we’ll find out.

R: Yeah. [Laughs] 

A: But yeah.

R: Yeah. Another question I had going forward was Terry and Claudia obviously I thought had a really beautiful relationship arc, particularly in season 6, and we saw in season 4 the lengths he’s willing to go to for her, and how Terry, I think, is a great example of how there’s a lot of character traits where we think “oh, if you’re a selfless, helpful, accepting person, you’re a good person,” and I feel like Dragon Prince does a really good job of how, Rayla’s selflessness can be great but it can also be kinda bad, or, um, Terry can be super accepting, maybe a little too—

A: Yeah.

R: —accepting sometimes, right? So I feel like at the end of season 6, it will presumably be him, Claudia, and Aaravos for a little bit now that he’s out of the prison. And it feels like maybe Terry might hit a breaking point?

A: Here’s what I will say — Terry is a really special character and if you watched him, he’s so good, and what we’ll find out is, he is — there is an episode called TRUE HEART and he is someone who has a true heart.

R: Oh that’s so sweet.

A: It’s very impossibly rare and special — but also we all understand what a true heart is in some way and we’ll learn a little more about that. But yeah, the question of what will Terry do, what can he do, is difficult because he has a very strong sense of right and wrong, but he has a very deep capacity for love and he loves Claudia with all of his heart. Where does that present an impossible conflict, it may... we’ll see a challenge.

R: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

A: I’ll also throw in like I sometimes see some parallels between Terry and Uncle Iroh—

R: Yes.

A: Though Uncle Iroh I think has a very different journey. Iroh is kind of a recovered problematic person who now has some wisdom and enlightenment, so in terms of the difference between the purity of a true heart versus where Iroh is more of a later stage enlightenment, the love that they have for the kind of complicated person that they are with is similar to me. And the way that they both sometimes have to, or don’t have to but...

R: Choose to?

A: You have to give that person the space — you can’t force them to choose right or wrong, you can be there with them, you can try to guide them, you can — but ultimately you have to give them the space to fail, and eventually, you may have to turn your back on them. 

R: Yeah.

A: At some point. I don’t know. But um yeah — I still see them as connected characters in my mind. 

R: I think I can even see some of that with even the way Callum is with Rayla, like season five onwards, of like “I’ve hit my turning point, I’m not mad at you anymore, and you can steal my key, you can lie to me, and I’m not going to have you open up to me out of guilt or obligation, I want you to tell me what’s going on when you want to tell me what’s going on, and I’m going to give you the space for that.” So I think it speaks to that unconditional love that I think—

A: Yeah.

R: —a lot of the characters are blessed to have. But I do see the Terry Iroh connection. So another thing that I thought was really interesting was — obviously next season is dark magic, and I’m very hopeful that maybe we’ll learn more about the origins of dark magic or Elarion, even. 

A: Great.

R: Because I know when I was watching Sol Regem burn down Katolis, it made me think of what might’ve either happened or almost happened to Elarion in the past, you know? 

A: Yeah.

R: Even down to Ziard and Viren both die, kind of deflecting and trying to save people, with the same staff, you know, and how the cycle continues to just always repeat itself over and over again. And if there was like — yeah, cause burning down Katolis was a massive shakeup, you know?

A: Yup.

R: And what maybe the process was there, with the — Aaravos seems like he’s trying to repeat the cycle of like “Oh I’m going to take down the dragon monarchy or I’m gonna use that vacancy to my advantage, and mess with the Sunfire elves.”

A: He has a specific vendetta against Sol Regem, obviously, but it’s one where he has played it out in... What’s certainly meant to be implied, even though we’ll find out more later, is that one of the great mysteries of Sol Regem’s life is that his mate disappeared and he never found her. He’s the freaking Dragon King, and she disappeared. And though we don’t know how or what happened, while she was buried alive. He killed her. He didn’t even realize it, somehow. Somehow, Aaravos manipulated him into killing her, and he doesn’t — I dunno, I assume Sol Regem does understand when it must have happened, but that moment, it’s like an impossible — it’s meant to be just...

R: Awful.

A: He’s tortured him for 1000 years or whatever, without him knowing he was being tortured by Aaravos, and now he’s given him the mercy/cruelty of knowing the resolution to the mystery was that he killed her. And one of the things that worked well with that was that, we had sort of said Sol Regem can smell the truth from a lie, so he has the horrible curse of being able to know this is the deep dark truth. So I dunno, I think um, are we going to find out more about that? So, if we can eventually get the Book Three novel out [R laughs], we will find out more about that.

R: I did wonder, I was like “Maybe this is something that was gonna be in the book three novelization.”

A: Yes, we will find out more in the book three novel, it may be a year or so before unfortunately. And then I don’t think we’re gonna get too deep into that in season seven, that’s part of — it is involved in what we’re thinking about as the third arc, understanding and resolving the third arc, is gonna go a little deeper into...

R: Some of the history, yeah.

A: Some of the stuff that happened with Sol Regem. But yeah, no, I — it’s enjoyable to have these figures like Aaravos and Sol Regem who are ancient and operate over the course of centuries and are incredibly powerful, yet they can’t — or at least Aaravos,  they can’t conflict directly as easily, and so Aaravos has played this really complicated game. Anyway, but yes Sol Regem is part of that, but there’s — there’s more, there’s more people who — beings that took from him. He feels that Leola was unfairly punished and that that was — you know, he sees a future and he has something... All this time, a burning — it’s the twisted form of his love, in which he’s full of hate right now to the beings who brought this about. Obviously, Sol Regem played a role because he’s a rules dragon.

R: Yeah, yeah.

A: He is the one who betrayed her to the Cosmic Council ultimately — but how do you punish the Cosmic Council? That’s a bit more complicated.

R: Yeah. No, I remember finishing season six and just being so impressed with the story. Like, taking that direction, and almost doing a lot of recontextualization, because it’s one thing to have like your worldbuilding where “magic in the story works like this” and it’s just very kind of like hand of God, you know? Like oh — cause the magic system has always been unfair, that’s why we have Callum, you know? It’s another thing to say we’re going to have characters in the story who are responsible for it being unfair. And now we’re just going to have that in terms of conflict and themes of destiny. We have about seven, ten-ish minutes left I think.

A: Probably seven, if that’s okay?

R: Yeah. Of course. 

A: I’ll throw one other thing in there, which is that — cause characters experience things that change them: has Aaravos experienced — I’ll phrase it as a question, even though probably the answer is here, has Aaravos experienced much that has changed him in the last — since the death of Leola? I mean certainly some things, and is what’s happening now changing him in any way? Is it satisfaction, is it the relationship with Claudia, and what does that mean to someone? That’s a question that I think we’ll have to watch play out a little bit.

R: [Intrigued] Okay. Yeah. One thing that I really liked about Leola’s character was I felt like she had pieces of each of the main trio in her? Of this very helpful innocent well meaning child, kind of like Ezran — and I have also always seen Ezran as autistic as well cause I know that Leola canonically is — and then you also kind of have the whole oh she gave  / helped humans have primal magic, which obviously Callum has. And even just being this young elven girl punished for her compassion and mercy, that felt a lot like Rayla. And when making the choice for Leola to be Leola, was that something intentional or like the choice for it to be a child rather than another loved one?

A: It was very intentional that it was a child... And we talked through other versions of Leola that could’ve been, in other ages, genders, relationships with Aaravos that an important person was lost. Some of the things I liked about the way, Leola both as a child, children are the cycle breakers.

R: Yes, yeah. I think it was the strongest choice.

A: And in particular also, the idea of coding her autistic was a little bit like not as cued to kind of accept the social order and the order of things, but actually more open in a way to in what some people see as like — something that’s broken which is not taking those cues, something else about that — not being bound by it that allowed her to have compassion that crossed the line in terms of the perceptions of what the Cosmic Order needed to be in it — but it made her more, both as a child and an autistic person, to make that choice and do what she did that changed everything.

R: Makes a lot of sense.

A: [Her being a child] also frames it with some innocence obviously right? It’s not calculated, it’s kind. 

R: Yeah.

A: So I dunno.

R: Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been curious about how Ezran might be challenged now that Runaan is back in the picture.

A: That’s a great question. That’s a great question. I mean, it’s so weird, it’s like no one even asks that, it’s like “Cool,” Rayla’s like “I’m gonna go get him. Awesome! Runaan’s back.”

R: Yeah I’m like either — either Callum is like “Ezran will be totally fine with it,” and Ezran  is probably not going to be fine with it, or maybe Callum knew that maybe it wouldn’t be great, and kept it under wraps. Yeah, I’m so excited for that like trio, potential broyals conflict, so...

A: Well, I mean, Ezran is a very special kid and he’s very positive and kind and forgiving and all of this. But we’re talking about, Runaan is back.

R: Castle’s destroyed.

A: Katolis is rubble. Where does that leave him?

R: Yeah.

A: You know? I mean — so I’m excited about that part of Ezran.

R: I know the fandom is really, really excited for Ezran to get to be — not that he hasn’t always been complex, but to get to be like messier, of letting his emotions maybe get the better of him and that sort of thing. So people are definitely hype for that, for — cause I feel like season six really brought home a lot of things for Soren, and it seems like season seven is going to do a similar thing for Ezran, so that’s — that’s really exciting. Um, with our final couple minutes, I wanted to see — do you have any questions that you want fans to ponder or to be thinking about?

A: Um... Gosh. I don’t think I have anything specific that we haven’t talked about, but you know. On some level, like, you know how do you take the tragedies and conflicts that we all inevitably face repetitively and relentlessly and kind of learn to move forward in hope and optimism? I think that’s more of a question of like how do you personally learn to process — all the kind of bullshit in the world, and process it, and still move forward as a kind, connected—

R: Measured person.

A: —hopeful person? That’s a challenge we all face in our lives, so that’s like...

R: Yeah. Well, I think the show does a good — really good job at asking and challenging that — that question. Uh, yeah, I think — I think that’s our time for today, uh. Thank you so much, this was... 

A: It was my pleasure. 

R: This was a lot of fun.

A: It’s always my pleasure reading your theories and your—

R: [Gasps] Oh my gosh.

A: Honestly, I came on today and to tell the truth [R laughs] a little bit intimidated.

R: Oh my God. 

A: You’re so—

R: I also felt intimidated [laughing] so don’t worry.

A: You’re so insightful and articulate, that I almost am like [R laughs] what if they catch me that there’s something not as smart in the show as I thought it was?

R: Oh my gosh, no, you’re fine.

A: [Overlapping] So anyway, I really enjoy what you write—

R: [Overlapping] I’m also a writer so I know what it’s like to be like “I did this subconsciously,” it’s — yeah.

A: I love what you instigate in the fandom and the kind of conversations you support and engage in. I’m a huge fan of yours, so.

R: Oh! Thank you so much, that’s so sweet. Um. And I am a huge fan of yours.

A: Yay. That’s a great way to end a podcast.

R: That is a great way. Okay. Alright, well thank you so much, hope you have a great day, great week, uh, and — yeah. Okay.

A: Alright, and I’ll see you soon, we’ll do this again sometime, I hope. 

R: Yes! Yeah. Okay.

A: Alright. Thanks again. Alright, bye.

[leveloneandup]

Christen Press is a changed person as she nears return from injury: ‘I enjoy my life more’

Christen Press hasn’t gone two years without a soccer game since she learned to walk. So when she was laid up by a torn anterior cruciate ligament that took four surgeries and nearly 25 months to repair, she decided to make use of the free time she never thought she’d have.

As a result, the player who returned to training with Angel City this month is not the same one who was carried off the field eight games into the team’s first season.

“I definitely feel like this is the best version of me that I’ve ever known. And I hope it continues to evolve,” Press said Saturday in an interview that was heavy on smiles and optimism.

“I don’t know if I would say I’m a better person. I am a more grounded person. I’m more peaceful. I’m more at ease with myself. I’m more self-aware. I enjoy my life more, absolutely.”

It would be hard for her to be a better player than she was two years ago. A two-time World Cup champion and Hermann Trophy winner whose 64 international goals rank ninth in U.S. women’s national team history, Press was arguably in the best form of her life when she sustained the first major injury of her career.

At first she expected to be back in time for last summer’s World Cup. Then she thought maybe she could play in this summer’s Olympic Games. But the injury proved to be stubborn, and doctors had to go back in three more times for additional repairs.

She’s now 35, and it’s uncertain how her reconstructed knee — and the rest of her body — will hold up when she returns to the field. That question probably will be answered during one of Angel City’s three Summer Cup games, which will be played during NWSL’s seven-week Olympic break.

Given what she has gone through already, Press is confident she can handle whatever comes next.

“Every single day when I go out to the field I asked my knee, ‘Are you ready?’ It’s out of my control in a lot of ways,” she said. “It’s not, ‘Oh, you’re back and everything’s easy.’ My career will never look like it did.

“I want to make it back. I want to see if I can be good.”

Angel City could certainly use the help. The team went into the Olympic break having won only one of its last nine games, falling to 11th place in the 14-team NWSL with 10 games to play.

Press is likely to be ready for significant playing time when the season resumes in late August, but she might not be the only addition to the roster. With the transfer window opening soon, Angel City is nearing deals on two significant summer signings, said one person close to the team who is not authorized to speak publicly on personnel matters.

Despite the injury, Press was never really inactive. Physical therapy after each operation ate up much of her time, and she said she still does four to six hours of daily exercises just to keep the swelling down.

“Honestly, it’s a full-time job for her,” said Sarah Smith, Angel City’s director of medical and performance.

Still, she used the opportunity to work on other things as well. Press said she started therapy — the mental kind, not the physical kind — last September.

“I was like, ‘Well I have all this additional time that I can’t be on the pitch. What can I do with it?’ ” she said. “And I had a lot to work through, like my childhood, but also a changing life.

“Being healthy and strong has been my whole career, right? But it hurt to go up and down the stairs. It was a very big shift in identity.”

She has also devoted more time to the eclectic business empire she and her partner and former teammate Tobin Heath are managing, one that includes RE—INC, a gender-neutral community-driven fashion brand, and the RE—CAP Show, the couple’s entertaining award-winning podcast on women’s soccer.

That has given the whip-smart Stanford graduate a jump-start on the next phase of her life, though she’s not sure when that phase will begin in earnest. Her Angel City contract expires at the end of the season, but Press said that if her knee holds up, she’s not putting any limits on how much longer she might play.

“There’s part of soccer that has been really hard that I don’t miss. And then there’s simultaneously a deep longing and a sadness for not being in the game,” she said. “My body’s craving competition. It’s like a dichotomy.”

If the last two years have produced nothing on the soccer field and have been mostly painful off it, mentally and physically, they’ve been invaluable in many other ways. She’s grown. She’s become stronger, smarter, healthier and wiser. And she promises that’s going to be good for everyone — but especially for her.

“There’s pain and there’s also an opportunity,” Press said. “I have this ideology that things don’t happen to you, they happen for you. So I always ask myself, ‘What’s the gift of this?’

“It’s a happy story. It’s life, you know. It’s happy and it’s sad. [Am I] a better person?’ No, I’m different.”

[crookedt44th]

JR.3 MARINARA MAGIC | LMH

PAIRINGS ➳ lee minho x gender-neutral reader (cora)

GENRE ➳ friends to lovers ◦ slow burn ◦ heavy angst ◦ horror ◦ psychological thriller ◦ fantasy ◦ slight humor ◦ ghosts ◦ will add more later!

WARNINGS ➳ mental issues (derealization) ◦ memory loss ◦ inappropriate language ◦ suggestive themes, but no smut ◦ death ◦ gore(?) ◦ smoking ◦ lots of drug and alcohol use ◦ cruel society ◦ adult life crisis ◦ bad life decisions ◦ religious themes ◦ class struggles ◦ hallucinations ◦ food mentions ◦ hints of eating disorder ◦ will add more later!

WC ➳ 6,000+

STATUS ➳ Ongoing.

ABOUT ➳ After dropping out of college, Cora returns home to their small town of Stormvillie with the hopes of reconnecting with their friends they left behind and resuming their carefree previous life. However, things have changed since then. Their friends have grown up and changed, and home seems different now. The wind is getting colder and the leaves are falling. As the night gets darker, strange things are happening.

And there's something in the woods.

NIGHT IN THE WOODS SERIES

CHARACTERS AND THEIR STORIES

PREVIOUS JOURNAL

Scott Pilgrim v. My GPA - Mom Jeans. started playing ...

There’s a quiet inside of this open air. It expands and fills, and soon, you’re walking through the thick, tangible quiet. And if you listen, if you really listen, you can hear the pulse of the world, the old hum we almost remember, the old language etched into us. 

It’s a strange thing, to hear the quiet. 

One day, I’ll be quiet forever. 

One day, I’ll exist in the space between words. 

One day, you’ll hear me whispering into the open air, singing something you can almost understand.

I closed my eyes, fantasized about a quiet life. 

Suddenly, I feel at home.

But when I opened my eyes, I started to see shapes. 

I’m somewhere.

Just not here.

It’s hard for me to see exactly where the hell I went wrong

I never thought I’d see the day we wouldn’t get along

You think I smoke too much, I think your friends suck

September 23, 9:34 a.m.

I feel awful. 

I don’t even know what happened yesterday.

DId I do something crazy yesterday? 

With my head still resting on the pillow, I reach beneath the blanket to find my phone. I lifted my head off the pillow and browsed through my lock screen as soon as I did. Many of Jisung's missed messages. 

Did I say some wild shit last night??

[J.0ne] yo das was honestly the most beautiful speech ive ever heard in my entire life

I don’t want to know.

With a grumble, I forced myself to get out of bed in the hopes that taking a shower would help me feel less disgusted. I put on a large, baggy shirt that was sitting on top of my toilet after I finished my shower. I looked in the mirror as I began to wash my teeth. I look like fucking shit.

Hey, don’t be mean to yourself. 

I have the worst face on earth. 

Well, I mean, you look totally awesome in that big old band shirt you totally did not steal from that one little vendor at the mall where an old man just makes the graphic shirt for you. 

I straightened up my posture and placed my hands on my hip, looking at the shape of my body. 

I should lose weight. 

Nah, you look fine. 

No, I don’t. I should really stop eating a lot. 

It’s cool, dude. Not everyone needs to be super duper skinny!

Fine, I should be more positive about myself, whatever the internet says. I am just a real human being. 

My hands slipped off my hips, and I stood there straight, staring blankly at myself. 

And no one can prove that I’m not. 

…

I should read the messages my friends sent me.

After hurrying to my room to find my phone, I nervously went through the messages Jisung had sent me. I texted him back after learning that he hadn't given me many details about what I had done the previous night. 

[C0conut] wat rlly happened last night

[J.0ne] sum beautiful speech that u did in front of lino i dunno i dun rememebaer anythanng

[VanDivision] you called him a cute boy.

[CB97] And then you puked on his shirt again hahaha 

[C0conut] ಠ_ಠ he prob hates me again

[J.0ne] whu CARRRESS plssssss come by chris outlet job stuff work now me me bored here  

I shrugged and let out a breath before tossing my phone onto my bed. I decided to keep this large t-shirt on, find some jorts, and throw on another flannel. Despite the fact that I had lost my other pair of Converse shoes, these fucked up black vans will have to do. My name was called from the kitchen as I sauntered down the stairs. I figured the breakfast was ready. 

“Heya mom, what’re we having today?”

"Hey, sweetie, you look awful!" Mom giggled as she set down a plate with a sandwich and a bowl of soup. "For breakfast, we're eating sandwiches and soups. Plus, you went to a party; I'm not sure how much you drank, but you needed this soup anyway."

"Awesome." I dug in with my spoon and sipped the warm liquid down my throat, feeling relaxed.

"Rough night?" Mom went on, holding up a book to read.

“You know it.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

You hummed, “I saw Minho.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“A little bit.”

"Give it some time. He will get to you." She flicked through another page of her book, "I believe most of the repair workers have left the town center. Some shops are still under construction, though."

"Oh really?" Taking a bite out of the sandwich, I said.

"I remember how much you enjoyed climbing some buildings."

"I've thought about doing it again."

"No, sweetie. You should go to jail for that, no?" Mom arched an eyebrow at me. 

“They’ll never catch me!”

“Your aunt will catch you.”

“Boooo.” I dropped the almost eaten sandwich and slouched down. "I'm going to finish this later, mom; I have to go." 

“Alright, well, have fun! Stay safe!”

I quickly grabbed my shoulder bag from the hanger and bolted out the door. I'm getting a little eager for autumn as I stroll down the street and feel the cool morning breeze. I saw some of the local businesses were closed as I passed by them and noticed a group of elderly men gathered around one of the stores.

"There won't be Stormvillie if we don't start doing business right." Says the tall old man dressed in a business suit.

"Well, it appears that we must take whatever action we can." Says a different large, bearded man. "To make the market take note of us!"

Huh, wild. On my left, where I used to go since I was a child, was the closed doughnut shop. A lot of stores are really closing down.

"Will, you're not listening- it's not of sufficient historical note."

"Brother, most folks don't even give a damn about our jobs anymore. Our pay is really low!"

"There must never be another fight at a stop sign."

I left nonetheless, not wanting to listen in on some of the things adults like to talk about, and went past the old pizza place I used to and still enjoy. The pizza place is still open, at least. Perhaps I should bring my buddies here. Maybe with Minho. 

The middle schooler was once more playing on his Nintendo while perched on the seat next to the statue. I looked up at the bronze statue of the man who built this town, the man holding up his axe. The child was still engrossed in the game and was not aware of my presence when I peered down at him.

"Shouldn't you be at school?" I asked, looking down at the child.

"I'm gonna skip." His little fingers hitting the buttons with aggression, his eyes fixed on the game rather than me. 

“Geez.” 

The boy lost the game and groaned out of frustration, “I’ve been going at this game for hours! And I still didn’t get it.”

“What’re you playin’ this time?”

“Star Wars; Battlefront.” 

“Seriously? Star Wars?”

“You don’t like them?” Lori let out a cry and held his palms over his mouth dramatically. “All of my friends are playing the Star Wars games! One of my friends said they’re coming over tonight to play the games with me on my nintendo 64.” 

“I just don’t get the hype.” I shrugged.

“Hmph!” He again folded his arms in a drama queen manner, then rose from his chair and grabbed the skateboard that was next to him. "Hey, you wanna go to the library for a second?" Lori asked, gesturing to the neighborhood library across the street.

I look at him, then at the library, and I start to wonder if I have time left at all. "Sure," I nodded.

"There used to be strange little letters hidden in some of the books. My friend and I would open every book to find more, sort of like on a scavenger hunt!" Lori kept talking while we strolled towards the library. 

“Weird letters?”

“Yeah! Some letters are about odd cult shit or something.” Cult?

Lori wandered the library, trying to find a certain book. I trailed after him to the Bible area, where I watched him leaf through the books, choose one, and hand it to me. I found the letter by grabbing and turning the pages. "I was not made for this kind of test," the paper said in such a hurried handwriting when I unfolded it. “I will fall apart. I will not stay. I will come undone, and you will never see me again."

"This letter is so weird, right?" He chuckled: "I think there's someone in town trying to troll some gullible kids here for fun."

"Could be. Not really remotely close to odd cult shit, whatever you say, but close enough."  I remarked, still staring at how familiar the handwriting was. 

“Lori, did you save the other letters?” I shoved the letter in my pocket. 

“Nope, Mom threw it away. She thought it’s a curse or something.” He shrugged, taking out his nintendo sitting on the table. 

“Bummer. I’ma go now.”

“Bye, killer!”

“Okay, now don’t call me that.”

Can’t figure out the reason why our parents fight so much

But I’ve given up on luck

But I’m happy here

“Yeah, he’s cute but what are his critical thinking abilities? His political stance? Socioeconomic aspirations?”Jisung began talking nonsensically as soon as I entered the store. Chan, dressed in black dress slacks and a white button-up shirt, leaned against the counter and wore an elegant gold watch that his father had most likely given him. Then there's Jisung, the typical punk, decked out in his trademark red and black. Worn-out black leather jacket with a revolution illustration and a few words scattered throughout it, paired with cargo trousers and tall boots. You already know it.

"What is happening here?" Asking, "Are you seeing someone?" I broke up the talk between the two men' talk, who beamed at me.

"What? No way!" Jisung waved his hand in denial. I stared at the blue-haired man one more time after turning to look at Chan for confirmation. He was stifling his laughter. "All right, maybe, but..."

"Who is it, though?"

"All right, so this guy that I've been chatting with online for a few months now has been arranging to meet me here," Again rambling, he leaned on the counter, clasped his hands together, and bowed his head. "Vanna, on the other hand, does not approve of me going on a date with this guy because I did not know what the guy looked like in person. So this motherfucker is setting me up with another guy.”

“Woah, you don’t know what he looks like? Han, don’t you think that’s pretty alarming?” I frowned, “Vanna is right though.”

"Yeah, but he's sweet, a smooth talker, and so caaaring. She's matching me up with someone I'm not supposed to see until we go on the date, which is scary enough than meeting up with a guy I've talked to already!" Jisung turned around swiftly, looking away from us and folding his arm like if he were a cartoon character being betrayed by bunny bugs or something.

"Dude, whatever." I looked over at Chan, who was arranging the pricey, ornate jewelry and watches—some of which were vintage—on the front table. I browsed the store, enjoying how cozy and antique it seemed—like a grandpa's store in London. It seems to make sense that his father owned the store. "Chan, do you know about shops being shut down?"

"Yes," he said, perking up and nodding before returning his attention to organizing. "What about it?"

"Will this store close down as well?"

"Well. Who knows, probably. In any case, my dad does things his own way."

“...”

“...”

"Would you not want to go to, you know, Los Angeles or somewhere else, if you were so rich? Live in a big modern house?" I inquired, unsure whether it was insensitive or not. But he knew I was always curious.

"I wish it was that simple, Cora," laughed Chan.

“Simple? Don’t you have zillions of dollars to be able to do it anyway?”

“Crazy of you to think we have THAT amount of money.” He snorted, shaking his head. 

"I wish I had an answer for you, kiddo. But recently, things have become more complicated." He stooped to pick up the boxes, which he then carried behind the counter and placed on the floor beside numerous other unopened boxes. Jisung gave us both a perplexed look, and I shrugged at him, feeling uncomfortable and guilty for being overly curious. "Well, I apologize for the sudden mood change. You guys wanna get pizza later today when I’m off work?”

“Oh yeah! Good thing that Marinara Magic is still open.” I exclaimed, getting excited at the thought of us getting together to eat pizza like little kids again. 

"Dude, right now I would kill for a pizza!" Jisung leaped to his feet and followed Chan inside the office. I followed them both as well and went inside what appeared to be Chan's father's office, however he seemed to spend more time here than his father. While the worker was busy finishing up tasks and they were busy chatting, I kept myself occupied by wandering around the office and taking in the many framed awards and certificates. A computer was situated atop an extremely cluttered desk, alongside numerous loose work documents and a few images pinned to the wall beneath the desk. The pictures showed him with his sister, his family, and all of us together. When I gazed upon the following picture, Chan, Minho, and Felix were posing at a high school graduation in their gowns. They wrapped each other's shoulders with their arms while grinning broadly. I turned to face Chan, who was rummaging through the drawers. Even if all he did was dye his hair bright red, which turned into an unpleasant pinkish tone, and he gained weight, he still looked very different. Even though he was only 23, he appeared a little older than his actual age. Maybe, he didn’t sleep at all again. 

I looked at the picture once more, focusing on the boy with brunette hair who was standing next to Chan. I would never be able to pretend that Minho wasn't the cutest kid in high school. Everyone was all over him. He was way out of my league. Even though he is much more stylish and handsome now, his face appears really worn. How am I going to face him next time I see him?

Felix, a ginger freckled boy, stands to the right. I couldn't remember when we had last spent time together. A few months after graduating, he stopped playing in our band and became distant from us. Suddenly, he disappeared from our lives. With his long hair, he now had a much more bad boy appearance, according to the missing poster. He had been, always.

"Hey Cora, would you mind checking to see if they have batteries at the grocery store? I need to work on this..." Chan looked at the surveillance cameras he had taken out of the drawer as he gave me the money. "Vanna works there."

"Oh, sick. I guess I should go then." As I was going to leave the store, Jisung yelled, "GET US SNACKS!" as I snatched the money and jammed it in my pocket.

"YA GOT IT!" I yelled in response.

Since the grocery shop was down the street, the walk wouldn't be too far. Across the street was Poppy's Coffee as well. I thought about going to visit Minho, maybe apologize, and ask him to go have pizza with us later. He used to be my best friend, therefore I should really make it up to him, but the thought frightened me.

Vanna wasn't behind the counter when I went inside the store to look for her. I went through the snack aisle and picked some snacks as well as drinks. I swung around to see Vanna standing directly in front of me, staring at me with no emotion.

"Are you trying to find anything?" Dropping the box and restocking the shelves, Vanna asked nonchalantly. 

“You scared me, dude.”

“My bad. Your head’s okay?”

“Oh, yeah, a little.” I rubbed my head. “You got any batteries?”

“Yeah, behind the counter. What type?” She stopped restocking to go to the counter and searched through the variety of different batteries.

“Type? Shit, I dunno. Chan just said he needs some for the camera or something.”

“What kind of camera? Is it a film?”

“Looks more like a security camera.”

Vanna slammed the product on the counter and began scanning the rest of the items. Vanna didn't seem to buzz, but the sudden loud hum coming from the freezer distracted me. 

“Store looks busted.”

“A lot of shit went down this summer. My boss said he’d order for repairs, but I don't see any motherfucker to come fix it and it’s been months.” As she pushed the objects she had completed scanning in my direction, she said. “No plastic bags either. Someone usually has to bring their own big bag. Better for the environment.”

“Cool.” We both stood silently, just staring at each other.

“So..”

“I didn’t mean anything I’ve said yesterday.”

“It’s cool. I barely remember half of it, honestly.”

“Yeah, me neither. You really need to chill when it comes to drinking.”

“Was it really bad?” I tried not to watch the memory again in my mind as I shamefully rubbed my head.

“Everyone forgot it. I’m sure Minho finds it funny now.” Vanna said as she scrolled on her phone.

I hit my head on the counter and moaned. I'm worried about what Minho thinks of me now, more than whether there's an image somewhere of me getting wasted.

"Do you hate Minho or something?" Sincerely curious, I inquired, recalling vaguely what Vanna had said about him the previous evening.

“No, I was just upset. Just wanted to bring someone up to blame. I should learn not to.” 

“Hm. You wanna go for a pizza with us? Jisung, Chan, maybe Minho.”

“I’m still working.” Vanna looked up from her phone, furrowing her eyebrow.

“Like later.”

“Sure.” 

“Sick.”

“...”

“I should stop by Minho’s work…”

“Good luck, man.” 

So leave my sweater on the porch 

I’ll leave your bag under the stairs

Don’t go back to our old place

It’s probably locked up anyway

I crossed the street tensely, imagining what I should say or how I should apologize as I made my way to Poppy's Coffee. Hesitantly, I paused in front of the store entrance, debating whether or not to go inside or simply walk out and travel to space, never to return. Someone from inside the store opened the door before I could even extend my hand, revealing Minho. His lovely reddish-brown hair and honey complexion glistened in the sun's rays. He gave me a radiant smile.

"Cora! I was just wondering if you were okay." With a broad smile, he flashed his bunny teeth. "I kind of ran to open it for you after seeing you standing there for a minute. You know, you just gotta be a gentleman. Come inside, Co!" Minho laughed as he greeted you with a smile at the rustic coffee shop. The room had a pleasant aroma of roast coffee, antique, charming vintage tables and chairs, and a lot of fairy lights hanging from the ceiling. Since I left, the shop's entire style has evolved. He obviously decorated it, as I could tell. "Oh, and you still enjoy mocha, correct? I can do it right now!" His excitement and sudden outburst of energy reveal a new aspect of him that makes my eyes widen in disbelief.

"What's up with you?" Watching him run in circles and start preparing coffee for me, I blurted out.

"I'm just happy to see you back home," Minho smiled at me, really sweet, and then gathered everything to make coffee on the counter.

“I don’t have any money, dude.”

“On the house!”

“Free drink.. Sick..” I found a table and sat down, observing him prepare a drink. With his small watch on his wrist and a brown apron on top, he had his sweater sleeves rolled up. Now that his hair was groomed, his entire face was visible to me. I completely understand why so many girls were over him. It makes sense that he has a girlfriend. Oh, right.

"I apologize for last night." I looked down, embarrassed, trying to scrape the skin off my arm. And a little disappointed that he actually had a girlfriend.

“Oh, that’s no problem! You were just.. being you again.” With a giggle, he looked up at me and flashed his rabbit teeth once more. "You don't have to buy me a new shirt, by the way. I could easily wash it."

"Well, yeah, I know. I've puked on you twice already, it's ridiculous." I laughed along with him.

"Your hot mocha is here! It's getting chilly outside, and see, I drew you a cat!" Minho approached my table gingerly and set the mug down carefully, revealing a white kitten sketched in cream. Still grinning and gazing at me, he took a seat in front of me as well. I was able to get a closer, clearer look at him. He looked very tired, but his cute big smile topped it off. 

“Since when do you know how to do this?” 

“My mom taught me when I started working. It’s kinda therapeutic actually.” He giggled once again. “God, I’m so giggly today. Maybe, you’re finally here with me again like the good old times.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” I took a sip of the hot mocha and realized it was the best drink I had ever had. "I had a brownie with my coffee the last time I drank it in college, and it tastes really bitter."

Minho snorted, "Obviously, chocolate tastes much sweeter than coffee itself. Of course it will taste bitter."

“I miss Felix’s brownies.” 

“Right, Felix. Do you know about it?”

“Yeah, I always wonder why he left.”

“You think he left? Not like being kidnapped or something?”

“Do you think he was kidnapped?”

With a sigh, he palmed his face and rested his elbow on the table. "Just a hunch on my part. To be honest, nobody in the town seemed to be making any effort to find him. Chan and his family may have tried, but they got nothing."

"Why did you stop talking to Chan and Han?"

"Well, it was a bit complicated." Minho tightened, straightened his back, and gave me a sincere look. "Listen—I am deeply sorry for how I treated you when you told me you were going to college about two years ago."

“Hey, it’s all chill, dude.” 

“No, it’s obviously not. I know you were drunk last night, but everything you said, I’ve thought about it a lot since.” 

“I was just out of my mind. I don’t even remember half of it. Vanna even told me I called you cute, so that’s awkward ‘cause y’know you have a girlfriend and all.” I blurted it out, sulking, and nodding till I turned to face him, who appeared confused.

“...”

“...”

“What?”

“I don’t.. have one?” His head was cocked in confusion at me.

“Dude, that girl at the party, y’know-”

“Pretty sure she’s a lesbian.”

“Oh.”

“I kinda had to dip when she started making out with that girl which lasted for like a long minute.”

“Ooh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oooh.”

“Mhm.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s good.”

“Have you ever had one?”

“Why?”

I scowled at him as I sagged into my chair and folded my arms. "Well, have you seen yourself?" I asked.

"I'm not really chasing it." He was moving a little stiffly, suddenly tense.

"Yes, whatever, boo, tomato," I said.

"Someone has been on my mind for a very long time, and still is." In the end, Minho said, "Just not ready to tell them."

"Oh." I forced myself not to get emotional as I imagined Minho to have feelings for someone who is completely unlike me. "Whatever, do you want to join me, Han, Chan, and Vanna for pizza?"

"Oh? I'll see if I can stop by, but I'm kind of busy all day." Minho smiled.

"Well, I missed us all together."

"I know, sorry, I've been busy a lot lately." The bell at the door rings, announcing that the customers have arrived. He let out a sigh and rose from his chair, eager to resume his job. "I have to go right now. I'll try to see and come by, okay?" Minho smiled at you one last time before returning to his job.

I nodded slowly and watched him as he began to take orders and put back his apron. I got up from my seat and exited the store, expecting to meet him later. 

I bet it still looks the same as when I ran away that day

Everyone was at the Marinara Magic eating pizza and sides and sitting and talking to one another. The realization that the two years I had been waiting for was finally here nearly took my breath away. Even though Chan was trying to talk them out of being too loud and scared that the staff could kick us out, Jisung was being playful as usual with Vanna and they were fighting over pizza toppings. But I was disappointed that Minho wasn't here yet. It appears that the kids are still not on good terms with him. For the last twenty minutes, all I could look at was the front entrance. While Jisung was still yapping and Chan was on his phone, Vanna appeared to notice but chose not to speak out.

Maybe, it’ll be too awkward if he comes.

The pizza place looked precisely the same as it did when I left. The red checkered tablecloth, slightly worn-out wooden seats, leon signs, and several framed pictures of former employees and musicians who had dinner here. The owner, who had been employed there since the 1990s and was now essentially a grandfather, ultimately left due to the death of his son. Unlike most soldiers, who return home to surprise their families, his son arrived in a box. He was "at fault" for electing to join the army of his own free will, but no one believed it was all lies and propaganda. The brutal reality of the American dream was that. You either achieve everything successfully or lose everything. 

Although it didn't taste as good as it used to, it was still better than the pizza I had in the city. Even yet, I feel like throwing up when I eat pizza. I fidgeted as I started to finish the drink in the red glass, wondering when Minho would arrive. Would he even show up at all? Does he even care?

Vanna moved to get closer to me and said in a whisper, "Are you waiting for Minho?"

"Yeah." I glanced at the boys to see if they heard us, but they were still too engaged to respond. "Do you think this would make them hate me?"

"No, they were hoping to speak with him, but that jerk decided not to. That's what I think." With a shrug, Vanna settled back into her chair and took her notebook out of her leather purse. 

“He confuses me sometimes.”

“Are you really confused or just frustrated?”

“I guess, both.” I sighed. 

“A friend,” She quoted, “shouldn’t make you that frustrated, let’s be real.”

“I guess.. I mean, I know he has some rough family issues, that’s all. I don’t know if there’s anything else.”

“You didn’t at least try to talk to him earlier?” 

“I did try!” I pouted, sinking down in my seat. “He’s just.. being complicated.”

“What did he say?”

“I dunno.. Like he was being overly nice and then it got awkward when you know, I asked about his girlfriend which I thought he does have, but he doesn’t and he still hasn’t told me what really happened–”

Vanna groaned, putting her hands on her head. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re the one being complicated.”

“Okay, well–” Just as I was about to defend myself, I felt a bit offended.

"Vanna's not wrong here, kid." Chan said, still deeply absorbed in his phone.

"I am not a kid!" I yelled at him inaudibly. "He's just making things more complicated,"

"You TWO are being so complicated and annoying!" Jisung also yelled as he pointed jokingly at me with his finger.

"Holy shit-" Vanna places her fingers on her nose's bridge.

"What is happening here?" When someone else's voice was heard, the yelling stopped. There was no way I could pretend that seeing him didn't make me nearly puke again.

"Awkward…" Vanna rolled her eyes and sang.

"We ate the entire pizza!" With a wide smile, Jisung resumed his random hand gestures.

“Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a slice.” Chan took out his card and stood up.

“No, it’s good, I can just–”

“Shut up and let me buy you one, man.”

“I know, but-”

“Dude, c’mon, we haven’t talked in a while-”

“I’m the one that should make up-”

“No–”

Everyone else at the table chuckled at their interaction as I smacked my head against the table.

It doesn’t matter anyway

‘Cause I’m happy here

"That pizza was gooood, ay?" As he put his arm around Minho, Chan laughed. By now it had gotten late, so everyone left Marinara Magic together to walk home. The staff seemed to already like Chan enough to not throw us out, so I'm amazed they put up with us.  

"But not as good as it was before. I could make it better at home!" Minho replied as Vanna and I just kept strolling down the street in silence as the boys laughed and chatted about how much they used to miss his cooking. I couldn't help but feel uneasy tension when I was around Minho, even though it felt great to have him back in the group like we did in high school. At least, we were all back to normal again. Nothing bad will definitely happen!

I was taken aback by what I had just seen on the pavement and froze in place. An arm mutilated, with blood dripping from the tip. I turned back to give the kids a warning since they were all standing in a circle and talking nonstop, much as when family get together and chat for hours at a time. "There's an arm, guys!" I yelled out and ran to the tree to get a stick, then I walked back to where the arm was and attempted to poke it. The group approached it with caution and began to swear loudly as soon as they saw it.

"Why are you poking it?" Like everyone else, Jisung coughed in disgust and yelled silently.

"It's too much to look at." Vanna stopped staring at it and poked her tongue out.

"How did that end up there? Has there been a murder? That shit barely happens here since like that one incident in 1990," Minho inquired.

"Was that not in 1983?" Chan folded his arm and scowled at Minho.

"No fucker, that's the bite of '83 you're thinking of; it's definitely before 1990." As I was prodding the arm, I snorted, and Jisung burst out laughing and slapped his thigh.

"Sorry, the what?"

"Game reference." Minho stated while awkwardly scratching his head.

Chan said, "He's really back," shaking his head.

“Oh, shut it.”

"Are we going to do shit about this or not? This kid is messing with it." Vanna spoke out.

"Dude, get up." The lighting flashed on us as Chan attempted to grip my shoulder, and I realized who it was as I got up.

"What's going on over here?" My aunt was standing there in her uniform, staring at us expressionlessly.

"A arm!" I gave my aunt a smile and gestured to where it was. She bowed, glanced down, examined the arm, and reported what had transpired using her talkie-walkie.

"You kids need to go home. We will take care of it."

"But-"

"Go. Home." Aunt gave me a scowl. 

I kept glancing back, wondering what the whole "arm" thing was about, but Minho kept trying to pull me out of it and finally we walked home together. Since their routes to their homes differed from mine, half of the group bid goodbye and parted ways. Since Minho and I live in the same neighborhood, we strolled home in silence.

"Wow, that was crazy." He let out another quiet laugh to break the ice. 

"Yeah." Still feeling a little uneasy, I laughed too. When we arrived at my house, I was about to say goodbye, when Minho grabbed my wrist. I was shocked as I looked down and wondered what he was going to say.

"Hey, listen, uhm," The taller one went on, "If you want, we can hang out this weekend?"

I nodded despite standing there taking in what he had told me. 

"Alright, cool. So, see you then?" Minho smiled at me, and I smiled back. We kept looking at one other, and neither of us wanted to break eye contact. I finally hurried to my house and entered, blushing slightly. Is it a date? Nah, nah, you’re crazy. It’s totally not. 

I began to search around my living room for my dad, but figured that since it's becoming late, they might be asleep. I mentally noted that I will talk to him more before he leaves for work tomorrow morning when I woke up. After walking the flight of stairs to my room, I completed my night routine and was soon ready for bed. As I lay in bed tonight, I pondered how quickly today went from being just normal to not so normal. Since I had nothing planned for tomorrow, I thought I should stay home and perhaps look up old strange incidents that occurred in my town a long time ago on the internet. It's been a while since I last hunted a ghost. I should do it again. 

I should just go to sleep.

I sleep well alone now

NEXT JOURNAL ON SEPTEMBER 4

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➳ this one is kinda rushed but i hope u still enjoy it! make sure u read the warnings before u read each chapter bc i update it every chapter :p

TAGLIST ➳ @estella-novella @melanctton

Send an ASK or COMMENT to be added in the taglist!

[thislovintime]

1968.

“‘Actually, I wanted to leave the group over two years ago when the first season ended, but the guys convinced me not to. I didn’t care about all the things that were happening, all the acclaim. I hated the work! It was tough, and I didn’t like it. I just wanted to record for all my life. Also, the pressure was awful. We were working in an incredibly new environment. Half of the crew on the show was young and had very little experience at that level of work. Many of them were getting their first big break. Actually, after the TV show was canceled it was easier for me to leave. Doing the TV show was the worst. Then came the movie, and I couldn’t forego the movie, so I did it. You know, there were moments here and there — lots of good, funny stuff happening throughout — but the only time that I was really happy was when we were recording the ‘Headquarters’ album. The concerts were fun, but during the concert tours you are removed from your friends except for the guys. And even when we did take a few friends along it was only a mild relief. This last tour of Australia and Japan wasn’t fun because I felt hideously under-rehearsed. I was constantly pushing for rehearsals, and they were constantly saying well, like later. We couldn’t get together. Also, we didn’t play any new music this last concert tour. It was all old tunes, nothing from our newer albums, and it was a bore. But I think they suspected I was leaving anyway. For me, a lot of the pressure was off. When I felt a part of the group every time someone said something that jarred my sensibilities, I’d raise a huge ruckus and everybody thought I was out of my mind. While we were making the TV Special, knowing I was not going to be there any longer, I just thought to myself — I don’t have to worry about this thing — and I just let everything slide off my back. They must have though something was screwy. Then I finally told them, ‘Gentlemen I’m in negotiations to resign from the group.’ And they said, ‘Okay, well, there’s not much time, we’d better get to work on this Special.’ So we taped the thing and that’s the last I saw of them. The last day of the taping they gave me this little testimonial memorial watch.’ From his pocket Peter drew out a silver, antique-looking timepiece with the back side engraved, ‘To Peter Tork, from the guys down at work.’ ‘I’m free, I don’t know what I’ll be doing. I’m actually a little apprehensive, because there’s no doubt that there are three other incredibly talented fellows out there. They’re very talented guys. Mike is one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. Micky is even funnier and Davy is just cute as a button. Who could ask for anything more? Davy dances so great, did you see him dance in the film? I’ve not seen dancing like that on the screen except from Fred Astaire. The only other thing is that I’m both really relieved and really, really apprehensive. I’m terribly glad and also terribly sad.’” - NME, January 25, 1969

“Peter and I were the bulk of the playing ability because we were musicians. But when Peter left it rather unnerved Davy and Micky — and I changed my mind [about leaving]. After all, the personal appearances were pretty well satisfying, the music was fun, and the whole thing was fairly lucrative. And Davy and Micky left alone would have been in real trouble.” - Michael Nesmith, Disc and Music Echo, September 19, 1970

"In a telephone interview this week, Tork explained why he left the group in 1968, three years after it was formed. ‘Musicians were being auditioned in an effort to create the Monkees, and the purpose was to reap money,’ he said. ‘But for our first two albums, studio musicians were hired to do the instrumentals and we just did the lead singing. I didn’t want that.’ Tork convinced the other three members, Davy Jones, [Micky] Dolenz and Mike Nesmith, to do the third album themselves. ‘But I couldn’t get the guys to go for that again, so the fourth album was half and half,’ he said. Critics had frowned on the Monkees for this. ‘Every single malcontent felt he had the right to tell me what was wrong with the situation. I took the critics to heart,’ Tork said. ‘When I talked to the guys about it, they told me if I want more I should get my own act.’ Tork describes his current relationship with Jones, Dolenz and Nesmith as ‘cordial.’ ‘I learned to put all my bitterness behind me,’ he said. ‘I hear about them through the grapevine, but we have no real call to talk to each other, although, I had a brief lunch with Davy Jones in Japan recently.’ When Tork joined the Monkees in October 1965, he was 23 years old and inexperienced in handling fame and fortune. ‘There’s a lot of things involved with money and recognition, and the price was much higher than I expected,’ he said. ‘There’s an isolating pressure that goes along with success. I couldn’t handle it.’" - article by Lisa Stenza, Connecticut Daily Campus, February 26, 1982 (read more in an older post)

[444ileen]

♡ sweet loving ~ hinata shoyo ♡ no.2

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ time-skip era! angst, cursing, a bit of smut or suggestiveness, mm buckle up it’s a bit long pookies >_<

[no.1 click here]

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

a sense of dread spread throughout your body. you paled at the numerous notifications. there was this feeling of unease, as if the past was gonna be brought up again.

heartbreak was another type of pain. knowing that if you open those messages it would open a bunch of emotions and thoughts you found hard to keep at bay.

you didnt have to open or read the messages.

right then you knew hinata is coming home.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

the group chats consisted of how a big welcome feast at some restaurant you didn’t even bother to get the details of would be thrown for hinata as apparently sugawara was the one who broke the good news.

the group chat that consisted of you, yamguchi, tsukkishima, and yachi. yams and yachi were trying to be sympathetic and then tsukki was just being the realist. saying things along the lines of “what did you expect? that he wasn’t gonna stay in brazil for the rest of his life? you knew this”

yachi private message you saying that if you didn’t want to no one would judge you for not going.

there was one message you couldn’t bare to open.

finger paralyzed hovering above the single notification.

fuck it

“i’m coming home [name] :)”

what the—

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

sometimes you hated how easy going hinata truly was you looked like you were about to have a meltdown in a bar surrounded by sweaty people that look like they are have an amazing night.

he is so unreal. a part of you felt some type of way that he texted you and didn’t say nothing to the group chat.

if a little text could bring so much emotion out of you. you couldn’t imagine what emotions pour out of you if you saw him, be in the same proximity as him after being away from him for so long.

you felt so dumb. hinata had away of making you feel so dumb. he bewitched you. you fell for him so hard. you dumbly thought you two would never break up. you and him balanced eachother out but you tipped over the edge and now this is the state of your relationship.

here you are dumbly letting this dictate your mood for the rest of your night, probably even your week.

“damn you look like shit” [f/n] came with the scored drinks, laughing.

“yeah well my ex is coming back from brazil of course i look like fucking shit”

“yikes! no way hinat—he who shall not be named is coming back all of a sudden it’s like the middle of september that’s so random” [f/n] exclaimed quickly reaching out to grab your hand.

“i know…i know”

“hey it’s okay” squeezing your hand in a sense of comfort that did little to ease your unwavering roller coaster of emotions.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

“here’s what we are gonna do…your gonna put your prettiest dress on and your gonna go in and show them no him that your fine you’re great your stunning and he missed out” [f/n] ranted aggressively going through your closet putting some dress options on your bed.

“[f/n] i don’t know if that’s a good idea what if i just make a fool out of myself” you protested laying in your pjs in bed.

“you’ve been procrastinating on whether to go or not the pass few days if you didn’t want to go you wouldn’t be hesitating just go i’ll take you and stay in the parking lot the wholeeee time”

“really you’d do that for me”

“i would literally kill for you”

“uhh let’s not go that far”

“no seriously you need to know how much of a ride or die i am cause i would totally—“

you could help but laugh at your friends statement.

“yesss!!! finally there’s that laugh geez i’ve been telling you my best jokes and nothing the least you could do was fake laugh at them” smiling [f/n] came out of your closet with your favorite dress that just made you feel confident.

“damn i haven’t wore that dress in forever!”

“i know that’s why i picked it” [f/n] stated with a grin gently pushing it in your arms “now change”.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

“you won’t leave right?”

“nah i promised i’ll be in car i’ll catch up on my show plus i have a shit ton of snacks in here”

[f/n] had you drag you out of the car door even smiling awkward at people who looked at you two like maniacs.

“[name]…?”

“yachiiii please walk with her in the restaurant she’s so nervous” [f/n] pleaded hugging the girl and looking into her eyes with a pout.

“of—of course!!!” yachi said flustered at [f/n] clung to her causing her cheeks to flush.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

“yachi im gonna throw up im so nervous!”

“ahhhh—uhh don’t do that! it’s okay don’t worry i’ll be here with you and [f/n] is outside if anything”

you both reached table where you were taken to.

“hi everyone” you greeted awkwardly. you haven’t spoken to everyone in awhile your honestly surprised they didn’t kick you out of the group chat a long time ago.

“you came!” was all you heard when someone attacked you into a tight bear hug.

his scent. his warmth…you missed it.

pulling away from you he smiled so brightly for a moment it felt as if he never left.

it’s the same smile that made you fall for him in the first place.

you finally look at him. like actually look at him.

big was the first world that came to mind.

his arms were bigger, his hands that were still touching your wrist were big. his muscles everything he looked so manly.

he seemed more mature weirdly yet seems to be the same before his departure. he excuted a newfound air of confidence to him as well.

he looked handsome.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

you purposely sat the far end of the table. to be able to swiftly leave if anything happens and to just avoid being close to hinata.

you caught yourself zoning out and staring at him too much.

“are you okay?” a voice muttered really close to your ear that you jolted.

you knew that voice, so you looked up suprised he even asked.

“yes, tsukki you do care about meee~” leaning to him you whisper with a grin placing a hand on his arm.

he just rolled his eyes and went back to speak to sugawara.

grabbing your drink a bit happy that this get together hasn’t gone south.

“hinata~ any girlfriends in brazil?!” noya raise his voice excited to catch up with his dear friend.

as much as you tired to act like you weren’t listening you could help but fully pay attention and look to hinata to see his response.

“um—no” hinata answers but he looks nervously to you.

“really?!?!”

“mmhm swear!”

you turn away to avoid looking at them. the wall looks real interesting right now.

hinata kept looking at you. you could feel his piercing stare. it made you nervous.

tanka and nishinoya share glance. they have always rooted for you to since before you even knew you liked eachother.

“noya why about you” tanka asked

“nahhh sadly” noya said dramatically clutching his shirt.

“and you…[name]?!” tanka asked causing literally everyone minus kageyama who could care less about this situation.

“huh?!” you asked surprised. (why are we discussing our love lives right now)

hinata looked at you he had a serious expression on his face for some reason.

“um no?”

“eh? sounds like you did! tell us”

“what—seriously i didn’t”

“really? i could have sworn—“ yamguchi started off but yachi nughed him.

the table was filled with an awkward silence.

“enough stop pressuring [name]!” dachi scolded everyone.

“i had a fling that’s all a year ago but it wasn’t anything serious” you state firmly. there was no harm in saying the truth. the guy was nice you went on like three dates but you guys just didn’t fit eachothers life and you didn’t see a future for you two.

“oh cool” hinita stayed with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

you felt bad. you felt guilty. you hated that you felt like you hurt him. like if you cheat on him or something…insane.

the night continues as everyone celebrates hinata’s return.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

a couple days passed.

you sat in a small cafe in a corner table by yourself staring at your laptop.

you haven’t heard anything from anyone. it made you overthink perhaps you fucked everything up. maybe everyone…maybe hinata hates you. he had been happy to see you then now nothing.

when you two broke up you were literally so miserable you felt so lonely hinata was after all your best friend. you couldn’t even get to say goodbye to him or see him off at the airport.

it took you so long to even go out with your friends. through a classmate they set you up on a blind date with their friend. that was the little fling. there really was nothing to it. it made you feel nice to get ready to and to get know someone. but it was more friendly than romantic.

“order number 17”

you sighed and quickly got up to get your order bumping into a rather firm chest. who grabbed your arms to stabilize you.

“hinata”

“hey” he stated with a smile “i never expected to run into you here”

“ah yes um this is where i come to study and stuff it’s really peaceful plus the coffee is really good”

“i checked on my phone for cafes near me cause i moved into an apartment not far from here”

“oh i see”

“yeah”

“order number 17”

“oh wait excuse me hinata that’s me i have to get my order”

as you go up to counter you take a deep breath why is it easier to speak to him now is it cause you already experienced the whole anxious first met.

quickly you sat down back on your table with your order.

you watched him order…he really is so good looking he looks really handsome today he was dressed casually but you could tell even the barista was flustered.

should you ask him if he wants to sit with you or…is that to weird. damn it where over thinking again

you groan tiredly rubbing your face.

“mind if i sit?”

“ah yes i was gonna ask you…”

hinata just nodded with a small smile.

you close your laptop and set it in your bag.

“what we’re you working on?” he stated taking a sip from his drink.

“just an assignment…it’s really horrible and long but its worth like half of my grade i’ve been procrastinating it”

“are you almost done with it?”

“yeah i’d say i’m almost done i need to just add some finishing touches”

then silence it’s like if there was a lot to unpack but no one dared bring anything up.

“we didn’t really get to talk late time…”

“oh yeah to many people…i’m really happy you went though”

“yeah of course… i’d go i-i missed you” you say hesitatantly.

“i missed you way more” hinata said quickly he had a frown.

you sighed might as well start this talk.

“let’s get out of here wanna walk with me?”

“mm yeah” he stated sitting up.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

where did that confidence to have the tough conversation go…you two were just walking he was waiting for you to say something.

“i-how was brazil?”

“[name] you never answered my calls or my messages”

“…” you just stared at him…and winced…yup we’re doing this.

“i thought of you the whole time i was other there i kept asking for you but you not only stopped talking to me but the others they were a bit hurt too”

“i couldn’t push myself to speak to you…”

“…”

“hinata like i’m not gonna be all happy go lucky after we broke up especially like that…i now understand like logically why you did what you did but it doesnt stop that it hurt me”

“[name]—“

“the airport. why? why would you do that to me? like how did you expect nothing to change after you literally tore me up before you left”

“i was scared. i didn’t want our relationship to be reduced to nothing i was scared my time there would break us. so i thought it would be better to stop while we were good than it break and us not even speak to eachother but it ended up the same”

“hinata you—literally we had spoken prior that we were gonna make it work…i would make it work for you…i was literally already gonna visit you and we would of been fine”

“[name] it really wouldn’t be fair to you…i wouldn’t be able to give you my whole attention the time difference the different lifestyles”

“i didnt care…i swear i’d make it work because thats how much i love you but you didn’t even let us try…you didn’t believe in us…in me”

“you’re right”

you couldn’t help but feel relief when he said that it made you glad that you were able to express yourself especially after so long of feeling.

“i’m sorry…”

“i’m sorry too…i understand why hinata but it hurt so much not even to say goodbye to you”

he hugged you so tightly dropping both your drinks in the process.

“all i’ve wanted to do is hug you see you since i’ve got here it was already bad when i was in brazil but being so close to you is worse”

“me too”

“i’ve never stopped loving you…i’ve never stopped thinking about you and it’s part of the reason i came back…i wanted to settle here with my career and with you”

“hinata”

“i know i know” he said biting his lip he looked like a sad puppy.

“hinata i never stopped loving you either…i couldn’t speak to you cause it would hurt to hear your voice”

“then you should of texted me or something” he stated with a bit of a pout.

“i was trying to get over you, why would i text you”

“are you?”

“we’re here aren’t we?”

“what does that even mean”

“hinata don’t be dense now i wouldn’t be clearly still hurt about all this if i had moved on plus i just told you i’m still in love with you”

“i know i just wanted to hear it clearly from you”

you both smiled at each other.

“so what now…” you honestly wanted to kiss him so bad.

clearly you were being really obvious since hinata got red and played with the collar of his shirt.

fuck why was he so cute.

“don’t look at me like that”

“huh”

“don’t look at me like that” he whined running his hand through his hair looking away his ears matched his face they were red.

you blushed and looked away. you wanted to eat him up.

he looked around and grabbed your wrist gently pulling you walking quickly.

“what—“

“we’re going to my apartment” he just sent you a smiled that you weak at the knees.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

you two practically ran up the whole apartment building and he was rushing to open the door.

he finally did. he stepped aside and let you in first taking your bag and coat and putting it on the coat rack.

before you could even say anything he grabbed the back of your neck with one hand and gripped your hip with the other pulling you close and smashed his lips on yours.

you sighed into the kiss…you missed him so fucking much.

you took this opportunity to finally touch him to run your hands up muscles and his back.

pulling apart you both weee breathing heavily in a sort of daze.

only to kiss passionately once again. picking you up by you thighs he sets you on the couch placing himself in between your legs.

he caresses you, squeezing the soft skin of your thighs with his rough hands.

you break the kiss to nibble on his ears and neck. you could get enough of him. you were grinding up to him.

he was a groaning and trying so hard not to be a whining mess “fuck—[name] you’re so good to me baby”.

he was so turned on it was painful. he could feel how much your pussy was throbbing.

you were so embarrassingly wet right now. it was too much how overwhelming it was.

“i need you so bad” you whispered into his ear.

he licked his lips and took off his shirt.

hinata was sitting up still between your lips in daze smiling pulling off your clothes.

he was almost drooling he couldn’t wait to taste you. to be inside of you. to be able to hold you in his arms again.

it was gonna be a long night.

✎: nah cause timeskip hinata could get it! like i remember i was tweaking when i seen him in the manga like jsjshskwy. hopefully you guys are okay with this i’ve never written smut before yikeees i didn’t want to make it cringy or something pls be nice and don’t judge me! :D

[wingzie]

Behind the Screen

The Beginning

On 20th September 2020 I posted my first ever Live Reactions on GCF in Tokyo. I was very nervous. In a world full of so much hate, would my attempt to go back in time to reminisce together and spread positivity be accepted? I wasn’t so sure. My idea behind the very concept of Live Reactions was because I was sick of so many fights about GCF in Tokyo. I wanted to show the true loving reactions to these moments, without all the drama that ends up going around in a vicious cycle. Thus, I started doing some research.

After I finished advanced searching on various social media platforms, I got ready to make the thread. I found myself quickly enjoying looking through old posts. It was fun and I think that’s a big part of why I am still making these now, nearly three years later. Plus the support. Once the thread was made, I posted it and actually hid my phone. I came back to it about an hour later and was very surprised to see such a huge response to it. At the time, it was one of my most popular posts and instantly there was a desire for more. 

I decided to throw myself into it.  If people wanted more, then I was happy to help with that! Especially when it was making so many people happy. I made a new Google Drive account and a spreadsheet to go with it, so that I could keep track of which Jikook moments I had already done or not. Over time, I would start formatting my posts properly and understand how the advanced search function worked on Twitter. I am a History and English major, so being accurate is very important to me. This gave birth to my second style of posts: Discussion and timeline threads. The Unexpected

Though these threads are well received and made with a lot of love, there was a dark side to this that I have never really spoken about before. The jikooker hierarchy is a strange one and is one that I try to ignore, but with that comes consequences and a certain isolation. A group of jikookers did not like that my account had apparently grown from out of nowhere and started spreading rumours about me, my posts and my identity. This hurt because I had never spoken to these people before. I would love it if we actually conversed, because I enjoy talking to people and I like to think that I am a pleasant person. But they were not interested and instead they continued to try and tarnish my name. I decided to come out to my closest friends and just continued what I was always doing.

I mostly ignored the bullying and it soon stopped once they realised that I was really not interested in the drama. I never have been and never will. After all, that was the main reason I started this journey of making threads. To try and counter the hate and drama, I just never expected it from my own side. It made me more determined than ever and I also made a promise to myself, to make sure others NEVER experienced what I did. A good friend of mine recently revealed that I was one of the only ones that would reply to their curious messages about Jikook. I feel like this is also something important: How we are seen from the outside. We want Jikook to be recognized for their bond and their talent. But how can we do that if all we do is fight or act better than others? I will always be here to talk or help others, it’s just in my nature to do so.

The Present and The Future

In the last few months or so my life has changed dramatically, in real life and also online. I have lost family members, got a new job and I am currently on carers leave. I decided to bring my laptop in the hope that I could work on some posts whilst everything was happening. I have (somehow) managed to find a balance between both and now have a loose schedule that I try to follow. I also try to not pressure myself whenever there is a new Jikook moment to instantly start working on it. I used to get really stressed, but now I am much better. One thing, however, is making this whole process rather difficult. Twitter. Or “X” as it’s now called. I can no longer just work on a post whenever I want to, I have to be time conscious. I currently have four accounts and have to rotate between them. Last night Jungkook went on We-live, with Jimin active in the comments. Jikookory happened. It was around 2am my time, but I’m still struggling to sleep in case I am needed. I decided to work on getting screenshots and it was hard. The search function does not work as well as it used to and my timeline is messed up on my backup accounts. There’s probably a case study that can be done here, but I just really wanted to work on a post without being restricted. I continued though, determined to show what others see. Sometimes we’re only aware of what is is happening in our own circles and not what is going on around us. Those that are in personal spaces with me know my deep frustration with all of this. On my Birthday, my main account got double limited and then my second account got locked. It was not fun. However, I refuse to give up. I have already completed my scheduled posts for August and September and am (very slowly) working on posts ready for November and December. Assuming that “X” is still around then. If not, I’ll post elsewhere or here. And for those asking why I haven’t been posting on here, my account seems to be bugged and won’t let me post links or videos in text posts for some reason. No idea why. Guess I don’t have much luck with social media platforms. With the way things are right now, this is a promise. I will continue to keep doing what I have been doing over all these years. It might be harder but I still have that same goal that I’ve always had: To spread postivity and appreciation for Jikook for all in a safe environment. Love you all.

[wanderlustmagician]

Hello!

I realized today that I’ve been pretty spotty in terms of presence online for a hot minute and figured I may as well offer a little method to the madness.

I moved.

Not only did I move, but I did a ten hour drive to get to my new hometown and did so with the fluffy cow in the backseat.

(He did GREAT and we’re so proud of him.)

That said, this decision was a Major Life Change and one I didn’t make lightly. It took a month and a half of panic, reassurance, and grieving. But…

We did it!

I do not handle change well, especially Big Change. It’s a fact about myself that I’ve come to terms with. Which is why I’ve been somewhat absent from being truly online and posting. I’ve also taken a big break from writing due to some writers block with different things as the sources. However! Do not lose hope! For we are in the home stretch!

I have one last big trip to make to tie up (most of my) loose ends back in my old home state and also retrieve my forgotten charging cords… heh oops… so that’ll bring me back into business by… September? Yeah.

“But Wander! That’s so far away!”

Worry not dear follower! There’s a reason for that! Which is… uh… life. Adjusting to a new job, a far livelier social life, and a new environment is tough. Plus there’s still some emotional stuff to handle that I am trying to give myself grace on.

Plus! I’ve decided to give the blog a little shake up… clean up… retag… etc to freshen it up and make it work for me a little more. Some things won’t change and other will, but it’ll all be for the better!

Thank you for your time! <3

[trashgothaoife]

Transition timeline

Well since it seems we are big scary people... but also seen people who were spreading fear around transitioning especially later I figured why not show my progress.

I came out in 2020 to myself and my bestie, then family in 2021.

This was me in October '20 at thanksgiving. I had come to terms and was figuring out my next steps from here (shitty crop because it's a family photo) 2020, the pandemic and work from how gave me the space to really work on myself. I was about 310lbs in this photo, 6'2" and for the first time in my life kinda excited about the future. I started working out for the first time in ever and trying to get my life on track.

next up is me in September '21 I had just started HRT the month before, and managed to drop down to about 200lbs. No changes yet from HRT but I had only just started that, but I was happy, and this is me holding my brothers pyranees Diogee.

Now me in May '22 about 9 months on HRT and had started seeing physical changes. Not figured out styling yet so all of '22 was pretty much spent figuring that out. Mom wanted to document this, as she did a bunch of times and love her for that.

Here was june '22 first time wearing a bathing suit since a LONG time. Did the blue hair thing (blue hair and pronouns) and I liked it when it was vibrant, but that didn't last long. Spending time with my dad because he was dieing due to cancer, he died 4 months after this. I had started regaining weight here because of the stress watching my dad struggle and in pain.

Here is November '22 starting to figure out my style a lot more. Bleached out the blue as it was so faded, kinda like me being blonde/white

This was May '23 probably one of my favourite pictures of myself and you can see this is the style I use today. My trash goth elf demon aesthetic.

Here we go at my 2 year HRT anniversary, August '23

October '23 I had just lost my cat who had been my best friend for over a decade. I might make another post dedicated to her. So in a year I had lost both my dad and my pet.

And this is now February '24 I am working on getting my weight back on track, going for daily walks, and now weekly hikes, and back on progesterone with my HRT, and on the list to get bottom surgery which I hope doesn't take too long.

I started transitioning at 34, now 37 and I am a completely different person, both physically and emotionally. I actually can look in the mirror and recognize myself in the mirror, and loving how I look. I have a ways to go before I am where I want to be, but I have hope and a path to get to that place. It is not an impossibility and I am loving my life and looking forward to the future.

[ekslibris]

i feel so isolated from other people especially people my own age im slowly going insane. my friends and peers are still going to uni or slowly finishing it and starting good jobs and i just.. i have nothing to offer. and i dont want to complain to my friends because its embarrassing and im embarassed but regardless even when i do complain to them they just try to relate and talk about their problems and i get it but at the same time i get so annoyed because well at least you got a degree and a job that may open things to you in the future. and i still have nothing to offer. and i dont even have any desire to go back to uni and im definitely not paying for it because i dont have any money for that but everyone acts like its a done deal that i will go back because well what can you do with only a high school education. well i dont fucking know? kill myself???? and i dont even hate the job that im doing now because its mostly easy but i cant live on min wage anymore and i have to find something else that i know is going to be much much worse. and im constantly thinking about people working 'bad'/difficult/badly paid jobs and im thinking this will be my entire life everyday. also i keep thinking how even if i somehow make it theres just going to be another person in my place. and my mom is asking well what do you care about other people worry about yourself, but i am 'other people' now? and regardless i dont want others to be in this and have bad shitty jobs but i guess theres always going to be someone being a cashier at mcdonalds but i dont want it to be me or anybody else . and also anytime i work 8-10 hours for more than like 4 days in a row it feels like i cant even do anything else because theres just no time and im really trying and im trying to work out more consistently and run more and cook more organized than i did before and stay on top of things as they need to be done and i even signed up for a dance class but its not even worth it because in the end its just another thing that is costing me money but its just whatever. i always feel tired and apathetic. i dont want to say im depressed but really i dont know what else to do at this point. i dont have any desire to keep doing what im doing and i have nothing to look forward to and im just tired. i wish i could go back to that psychiatrist i was forced to see in high school because she tried to push antidepressants onto me several times and i always declined because i was against that and honestly my stance on that hasnt really changed but at this point well why not try antidepressants if i cant get myself out of it like i managed to get myself out of it back then. and at least i dont have somebody constantly screaming at me everyday now that i moved into a new place in september so thats better now and the roommate situation is the best that can be but still. im constantly just thinking money and time money and time how much money i wil have left if i do this or buy that and how much time i will have left after work and after i do this and that and this and that and how theres always another thing that needs to be done. and i dont want to do any of it and i dont even know why im doing any of it. and obviously im too big of a pussy to actually kill myself or do anything drastic but like ? at one point this will stop because it will because i will stop doing it. and as i said i feel alone and seeing my friends makes it better but we dont have that much time to see eachother because we all have such different schedules. and honestly seeing her this summer also pointed out how i dont feel that much attached to my friends and how i miss real connection and being close to somebody but that is a whole other thing for another time. anyway yay life in your twenties am i right???

[taminoarticles]

— Tamino for Fucking Young!, #21 EVOLUTION / December 2022 (x)

The evolution of the music industry is always in perpetual motion and social platforms are having more impact in addition to streaming. In 2021, one of the world's bestselling singers, Adele revealed the real reason for refusing to make music for TikTok. She explained that if labels are pushing artists to make music for 14-year-olds, who will do the music for her peers? The way we consume music now is based on algorithms and trends but yes, what about being more organic and independent from social applications and platforms? This is a topic we shared and discussed with Belgian-Egyptian musician Tamino in this piece.

THE NEXT DIMENSION OF TAMINO

BY IVICA MAMEDY

Production   Fashion and Art Moroccan Association (F.A.M.A.) Photographer   Moz ERO

TAMINO-AMIR MOHARAM FOUAD known mononymously as TAMINO is the grandson of Egyptian singer and movie star MUHARRAM FOUAD and rose to fame in 2018 with his debut album “AMIR”. If at the beginning the press and fans were comparing him to JEFF BUCKLEY, quickly he pulled away these comparisons as the way he defended his music was unique. On stage, Tamino is hypnotizing and has the power to transport you to another dimension.

After a two-year social media hiatus, TAMINO came back in April 2022 with some new music and released his second record "SAHAR" this September. Once again, this album is a masterpiece and hauntingly beautiful. Before defending it on stage, we met him in Paris where we talked about how his process of making music changed during the worldwide lockdown in 2020 and his approach to using social platforms with parsimony.

THIS ISSUE IS ABOUT EVOLUTION AND HOW DID YOUR FIRST RECORD "AMIR" CHANGE YOU HUMANLY AND AS AN ARTIST DURING THIS WORLDWIDE LOCKDOWN IN 2020?

I feel like my life changed drastically in a short amount of time. I've been on tour for a very long time and I was just focused on that. Seems I gain maturity quickly. When I got back home during the pandemic, I realized how I neglected many things in my daily life and how I was more isolated on tour than during the lockdown. I took the time to see my friends and meet new people. I was evolving as a human being, not as an artist. This made me feel more comfortable writing new songs and creating was an easy and quick process.

IF THE PROCESS WAS QUICK WITH THIS SECOND ALBUM, HAS THE WAY YOU MAKE MUSIC CHANGED?

The process was still pretty similar but being alone with an instrument to find out how to create new sounds was important to me. It's about taking the proper time to create the most authentic and melodic sound.

DID THIS LOCKDOWN HELP YOU TO BE MORE OPEN AND EXPLORE MUSIC WITH NEW PEOPLE AND COLLABORATORS?

I worked with the same bunch of producers, and I also created myself as a producer on this album because I learned a lot about recording and the process to develop demos for example. I was actively part of the production which created some big inspirations in the studio. I have known the double bass player for a long time as he was living behind my counter. We were hanging out together but it was the first time we teamed up to make music. We developed the concept of a dark room for music. We were going into a room and trying to figure out which instruments we'll use to create something organic. It was a great time for exploration.

THE MAIN CONVERSION SINCE YOUR FIRST RECORD IN 2018 IS THAT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY DEPENDS A LOT MORE ON SOCIAL PLATFORMS TO BE SUCCESSFUL. I KNOW YOU ARE VERY DISCREET ON THESE PLATFORMS BUT DID YOUR LABEL RECOMMEND YOU TO BE MORE PRESENT ON TIKTOK FOR EXAMPLE?

For sure they suggested that to me as they do with other artists. I have a TikTok account but my fans know that the only account I'm taking care of is Instagram. My management helps me to update all the other social platforms so it gives me more time to enjoy Instagram in a good way. Two years ago, I deleted Instagram from my phone to avoid being distracted because enjoying pure moments is important to me. Take time to be bored and sometimes it's when you're bored that creativity comes. Now I'm back on Instagram to promote my new project and at the same time, I'm happy to discover beautiful inspirations and imagery on this app.

IT IS PART OF THE JOB OF A MUSICIAN I GUESS NOW?

Yes, but it has to be genuine….if I can give advice to younger artists who struggle on social platforms is the genuine way you communicate with your community.

THIS TWO-YEAR SOCIAL MEDIA HIATUS HELPS YOU TO CREATE THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW ALBUM. IT'S YOUR WAY TO UNVEIL YOUR INTIMATE SIDE?

It was a beautiful moment making this album. It's about maturity and those moments in the studio making these songs was a hundred percent pure. It can't explain how it was such a meaningful moment when we gave birth to "Sahar".

ANY SONG ON THIS ALBUM THAT YOU CHERISH THE MOST?

Oh man, it is so complicated to choose as they are all my babies. It depends, as my favorite song now will not be the same tomorrow. I need to start playing them to compare. The main difference with the first album was that I was already playing them live before they got released.

HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR ALBUM IS NOT EVEN OUT AND YOUR SHOWS ARE ALREADY SOLD OUT? ARE YOU MORE CONFIDENT KNOWING YOUR FANS ARE STILL HERE FOR YOU?

It’s amazing and I’m so grateful for this to happen. I mean, there are no words to express how it is a pure recognition for an artist. We have to look at laying bigger venues so people have more change to come. I like playing in small theaters as well as in a stadium. Both can feel intimate as well as people sharing the same energy.

YOUR MUSIC VIDEOS LOOK VERY CINEMATOGRAPHIC. THERE’S ANY MOVIE WHOSE AESTHETIC REPRESENTS YOU THE MOST?

I’m a movie freak and my brother is very into aesthetic images. If I need to name a movie, I will say one of my favorite movies, The Lord of the Rings.

[iamthecomet]

What was it like for you when you started writing ghost fics? What made you start/what type of fic did you start with?

Hope your day is well! If not, use this as a vent post. 😊

(Here’s me paying the Per tax)

hnnnggg oh GOD that picture of Per. FUCK. My day was a good one so far, no venting necessary! So, I love this question, and I have a whole ass story about it. I have a feeling I'm going to write an entire essay about this--I'm sorry in advance.

I'm throwing that part under a cut for scrolling ease.

So Flip of a Switch was the first Ghost fic I ever wrote. It's also the first smut I've ever written and let people other than my best friend read. I was struck by HORRIBLE Ghost brain rot last summer. I was going through some BULLSHIT and Ghost turned up for me in a big way. It was like they fell back into my lap when I needed them the most. And I was devouring fan fiction like crazy. And the thing about me with any fixation is that eventually--inevitably. I will need to write about it. And With Ghost I desperately didn't want to. I had convinced myself that fan fiction was a "waste of my time" because I wanted to be a "real writer"** and all that other toxic bullshit society brainwashed me into think. But I was powerless and I couldn't resist. So, I wrote that fic in the beginning of September last year and I buried it. I threw all of my effort into the novel I was trying to finish. And then into the new story idea I had (which is laughably Ghost adjacent I just needed to write about it and couldn't give myself permission). And I pretended to forget about it, and read fan fic and looked longingly at tumblr. And then, almost two months later, I gave up. I was watching this community happen from outside and I wanted in. Kinktober looked so fucking fun and I'd missed it and I just...wanted to be a part of this. And truly, whether they know it or not, @st-danger and @kroas-adtam were two of the biggest reasons why I finally just gave in and posted my fic. Theirs were the fics I went back to over and over again. And theirs were tumblrs I looked at over and over and went "I want to know these people so bad" (And now I do!! ♥♥). I wanted to talk to people about ghouls. I wanted Ghost friends. I wanted to WRITE about ghouls and scream about them with people who wanted to scream back. And it was slow at first. Some moments I wondered why I even bothered because clearly no one cared. And then I wrote more, and I persisted, and I forced myself into conversations on tumblr and uh.... Hi. here we are. I cannot put into words the parts of me this community has healed. I am a different (better, happier) person because of it. I've changed my view on what I actually want to do with my life because of it. Fuck man, I'm so happy I gave into my fixation almost a year ago and went "fuck it I'm doing it." **Fan fiction is real writing. Fic writers are real writers. I knew that all along. I just had convinced myself that because I was trying to write professionally I couldn't also write fan fic. It was a reflection on how I thought of myself--not other people who wrote fic too. Everyone who wrote fic was/is a real writer to me, but I couldn't figure out how to include myself in that.

[awesomewithoutme]

fave speak now lyrics?

I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling.

Do you remember we were sitting there by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

Give me something that will haunt me when you're not around.

My mind forgets to remind me, you're a bad idea.

Just keep on keeping your eyes on me, it's just wrong enough to make it feel right.

These days, I haven't been sleeping. Staying up, playing back myself leaving.

I sneak in and see your friends, and her snotty little family all dressed in pastel. And she is yelling at a bridesmaid, somewhere back inside a room, wearing a gown shaped like a pastry.

Horrified looks from everyone in the room, but I'm only looking at you.

My mother accused me of losing my mind, but I swore I was fine.

The girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

All you are is mean, and a liar. And pathetic. And alone in life. And mean, and mean, and mean.

I don't know what to say since the twist of fate when it all broke down.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like, when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps, remember the words said, and all your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone. So here I am in my new apartment In a big city, they just dropped me off. It's so much colder than I thought it would be, so I tuck myself in and turn my night light on.

I'm wonderstruck, dancing round all alone.

Now go stand in the corner, and think about what you did.

If only you had seen what you know now then. Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you. Wasn't it beautiful? Running wild until you fell asleep? Before the monsters caught up to you?

You'll have new Septembers.

Somethings gone terribly wrong.

You told me you loved me, so why did you go away?

I do recall now, the smell of the rain fresh off the pavement. I ran off the plane. That July 9th, the beat of your heart.

I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are, hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind.

I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind.

Hold on, to spinning around. Confetti falls to the ground. May these memories break our fall.

Will you take a moment? And promise me this. That you'll stand by me forever.

People throw rocks at things that shine.

Now I'm pacing down the hall, chasing down your street.

Just breathe, just relax, it'll be okay.

Got a history of stories ended sadly.

Little miss sunshine always thinks it's gonna rain.

And all the bad boys would be good boys, if they only had a chance to love her.

You won't believe half the things I see inside my head.

Power went to my head, and I couldn't stop. Ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off.

You will take the long way down.

And it's delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof.

Down the block there's an antique shop, and something in my head said stop, so I walked in. On the counter was a cardboard box, and the sign said photos 25 cents each. Black and white saw a 30s bride and two lovers laughing on the porch of their first house. The kind of love that you only find once in a lifetime, the kind you don't put down. And that's when I called you, and it's so hard to explain, but in those photos, I saw us instead.

[lowpolynpixelated]

Let's talk about handhelds!

Specifically the Steam Deck and what (at least I think) is a decent part of its success as a handheld in today’s rather stagnant landscape as far as competition and innovation goes in the gaming space. For those who don’t know, the Steam Deck is a device first released in February 2022 by game development/publishing company Valve. Valve is mostly known nowadays for being the owners and operators of Steam, the largest and most widely used online marketplace for PC gaming, but rose to fame in the late 90s for their smash hit game Half-Life as well as its sequels and expansions. During the mid-late 2010s Valve had taken a pretty big step back from game development and focussed more on running steam and supporting some of their games (Dota 2, Artifact, Team Fortress 2 just to name a few) though the support varied from game to game. But that aside, let's get into it! PART 1: The Steam Machines

During this time Valve had ALSO begun to dip their proverbial toes into the waters of gaming hardware in the form of both the “Steam Machines” as well as the “Steam Controller”. So what were the Steam Machines? Why are they important to this article about the Steam Deck and other modern handhelds? Well everything has to start somewhere, and I’m of the opinion that the Steam Deck accomplishes the original mission of the Steam Machines better than they ever did, but I’m getting ahead of myself. First announced on September 23rd, 2013, the Steam Machines were touted as a new pillar of console gaming. The aim was to provide a console-like user experience on a device with the horsepower and game variety of your average gaming PC. Runnin on a Linux based operating system called “SteamOS” valve wanted the the consoles to be an open source experience in the living room to compete with the likes of Microsoft’s Xbox consoles. So what went wrong? Well let's start with the big one: variety. I first want to preface this part with: I am looking at these pieces of hardware through the lens of someone with little technical knowledge, the average consumer if you will. I myself have a decent bit of tech know-how, but I wasn't always like that, and I’ve certainly been poor enough my whole life that knowing the biggest and best PC stuff on the market didn’t really mean I could afford it. So, why was variety a bad thing? To your usual console gamer, consistency is key. It's usually assumed by whoever is getting whatever Xbox or PlayStation what-have-you that the box you’re paying money for will play the games you put in it. And to that credit, this is usually the case! Back in the day if you bought a PS2 or a Wii, bought a game for either and slotted it in, your game box would play it no problem. This isn’t always the case for PCs however. PC games vary way more wildly when it comes to the sorts of specifications the game is made to run on, or even what hardware the PC has that can be considered reasonable for said game. The fact of the matter is that PCs are modular, which means optimal configurations and what is considered “a baseline” are changing far more frequently than in the console landscape. The Steam Machines still wanted to offer some of this variety, but in the end it backfired more than anything. 

Steam Machine models ranged in price anywhere from $400 to $2000 in 2015 money when they finally released (November 10th, 2015) depending on the parts they used. And the difference between a $400 model and a $2000 model could mean not being able to play a good chunk of games on the market at the time. To your average console fan, this was perhaps too much choice when it came to finding which box to get to play all the shiny PC games they were being told they’d be able to play. Now this isn’t a matter of being disingenuous, more of an oversight. Valve wasn’t specifically trying to just target average consumers, but they did end up somewhat alienating those who didn’t have the technical know-how to figure out what model best suited the games they wanted to play. What reason would I have to buy a Steam Machine for $650 that might play all the games I want when I could just wait until November 15th, 2013 when the PS4 launched for $400 and would play all the games that came out for it? It was a perfect storm of releasing a brand new (and honestly decent) idea into an already pretty stagnant and established market and not being able to sell to people who weren’t already buying gaming computers. Steam Machines were decently popular with the PC gaming crowd. Being able to buy a pre-assembled computer with decent parts is appealing to a pretty decent chunk of people who primarily play on PC. Maybe you don’t know much about building computers and have always bought pre-built, maybe you like the specs of one of the Steam Machines and don’t mind the price tag too much. This big issue with all this though, was that almost no one was buying the Steam Machines to be a Steam Machine. To quote an article by Tyler Wilde for PC Gamer back in 2018, “Nobody was buying it with SteamOS,” Digital Storm marketing manager Rajeev Kuruppu tells me over the phone. The manufacturer had already been building the Eclipse—which is still available with Windows—when Valve pitched SteamOS, and added a Steam Machine build mid-project. That version has since been axed, and Digital Storm no longer has an active relationship with Valve. 

“I think over time as the demand from customers wasn’t there we basically had no reason to speak with Valve,” says Kuruppu. Digital Storm is still open to working with Valve, so long as its customers want what Valve is putting out. Right now, they don’t.” - Rajeev Kuruppu in a 2018 phone interview with PC Gamer Executive Editor Tyler Wilde for his article “What happened to Steam Machines?” (link in sources section)

This highlights the issue beautifully. SteamOS just couldn’t make the waves Valve wanted it to with the PC manufacturers they partnered with, leading to people simply not buying the pre-built machines as what they were intended to be. So what happens now? Well, after the failure of both the Steam Machines and the Steam Controller (a topic for a different time), Valve wouldn’t try again in the hardware space until 2019 with their admittedly very impressive VR gear, the Valve Index. With the Index making positive waves in the burgeoning VR space, Valve would then go on to release another successful piece of hardware. The real topic if this article, the Steam Deck. 

Part 2: The Steam Deck (part 1: Launch)

Revealed on July 15th, 2021, the Steam Deck was Valve's answer to their failed hardware attempt of the past. A handheld computer with a brand new version of SteamOS capable of playing most of your favourite PC games with a set of specs that only changed depending on internal storage (and eventually small differences in battery life.) So what changed between the times that the Steam Machine and Steam Deck released? Well, the PC and console markets (at least at the time of writing this article, 12/21/2023) are a bit more stable in how new and better parts are being pushed. Make no mistake, the PC community’s search for new and more powerful machines will always be a constant, but it's at the very least a little easier to keep up with right now. On top of that, the Nintendo Switch made MASSIVE waves in the console landscape being a near instant success story of merging handheld and home console markets into one harmonious group. Handhelds were all the rage, with many companies throwing in their lot with the mobile console idea such as the LYRA for playing classic games, and Google’s STADIA (which hilariously imploded shortly after launching to poor reception). Valve’s new device was right at home in the new invigorated market of gaming-on-the-go, a boom of innovative and experimental handhelds to rival the Gameboy’s release all the way back in 1989 (but more on that later.) The Steam Deck launched to a generally positive reception. Lots of PC gamers were more than happy to add the device to their repertoire of ways to play their favourite games, with higher ups in the gaming space like Tim Sweeny of Epic Games and Phil Spencer of Microsoft calling it “An amazing move by Valve!” (- Quoted from a PC Gamer article by Andy Chalk written in 2021 titled “Tim Sweeney: Steam Deck is 'an amazing move by Valve”, link in sources section) The things the Steam Deck was offering on launch were more in line with what some key parts of the overall gaming space wanted at the time, and so the device was more positively received by people already in those spaces. Now let’s talk about what I said before about consoles being able to play their games off the bat and why the Steam Deck stood out despite being essentially a handheld PC. The Steam Deck stripped away the modularity that the Steam Machines boasted by having a set table of Specs to offer across all 3 of its launch models, with the price and model really only determining how much storage you got. At launch the Steam Deck models on offer were the following:

-$400 for 64gb of internal eMMC storage(embedded multi media card, think a thumb drive) (and a bonus carrying case!) -$530 for 256gb of internal SSD storage (SSD or Solid State Drive being a decent bit faster than eMMC but also more pricey) (exclusive steam profile goodies and a bonus carrying case still! wow!)

-$650 for 512gb of internal SSD storage AND a more premium anti-glare etched glass screen (along with the profile goodies, a steam virtual keyboard theme and the bonus carrying case! wowsers!!!)

These models were more on-par with consoles of the time. Maybe not as powerful, but comparatively so in performance and price in such a way that the Steam Deck was a genuinely appealing offer to not only someone who already knew their stuff about PC gaming, but someone who played on PC and maybe didn’t know too much but wanted a good mobile option other than a laptop. Now those are both still parts of the same niche, PC gamers, and we’re here to talk about your average console Jane, as it were. And we will! But first let’s compare Valve’s previous attempt with the Steam Machines to their modern success. One of the most powerful (at the time) Steam Machines on offer was the Alienware Machine. Alienware is a popular manufacturer of gaming PCs and laptops for those not in-the-know. Here’s what anywhere from $550-$900 could get you in 2014:

Alienware Steam Machine basic specifications:

Processor

Haswell Intel Based CPU

RAM

4GB - 8GB

GPU

Nvidia GPUX

HDD

500GB - 2 TB

(specifications sourced from IGN’s “Steam Machine Guide” from 2014, link in sources section) Now at the time these were decently impressive specs, but I would like to point out both the price tag and the fact that some of these parts vary! If you don’t know, the GPU (graphics processing unit) being listed as “Nvidia GPUX” could be any one of SEVERAL parts which would most likely change your price point wildly. In fact, everything on this list is a variable component! Having anywhere between 4gb-8gb of RAM, what size HDD you have, and what CPU you put in, could end up boosting you all the way to that $900 point mentioned above. As stated before, this wasn’t going to win over anyone who was already going to pay $500 less for a PS4 that could just play PS4 games with no research on components needed. Let’s compare these general specs to those of the Steam Deck, which haven’t changed much since its launch in 2022. No matter what model you pick (aside from the storage and screen in the case of the 512gb model) here’s what you get in a Steam Deck:

Steam Deck basic specifications:

APU

6 nm AMD APU

CPU: Zen 2 4c/8t, 2.4-3.5GHz (up to 448 GFlops FP32)

GPU: 8 RDNA 2 CUs, 1.6GHz (1.6 TFlops FP32)

APU power: 4-15W

RAM

16 GB LPDDR5 on-board RAM (6400 MT/s quad 32-bit channels) Storage Steam Deck 64GB eMMC

Steam Deck 256GB NVMe SSD

Steam Deck 512GB NVMe SSD

(specs sourced from the Valve official website for the Steam Deck, link in sources section)

Granted there’s almost 10 years of technology between these specs and those of the Alienware, the point here is consistency. All 3 models of the Steam Deck use the exact same internal components for things like GPU, CPU, RAM, and almost everything else! To someone looking for something with more oomph than the Switch and maybe even wanting to get into PC gaming alongside it, it’s a pretty good deal! And it’s only gotten MORE appealing with more recent developments in the Steam Deck’s models and pricing, but we’ll talk about that after a short jaunt through gaming history.

Part 3: Handheld market factor history and why I think the Steam Deck is a pretty cool example of them (intermission from the Steam Deck)

As I said we’re gonna take a short break to talk about what I would consider the core of this article. You may have noticed me using terms like “handheld boom” and “market”. I’m gonna throw out some more of those so bare with me, but we’re gonna talk about the Gameboy. What’s so special about the Gameboy? Lots of people know it for being the most popular handheld console of the 4th generation beating out the likes of the Atari Lynx and more importantly, the Sega Game Gear. Why is that important? We’ll get there in a second I promise. The bigger question is “why was the gameboy successful?” to which the answer is usually “brand recognition”. Which isn’t incorrect in its own right, but is only one piece of a larger whole. The Gameboy entered a market that was predominantly occupied by two things, home consoles and arcade games. Handheld games DID exist, but not in the cartridge based console form the Gameboy popularized. This “wild west” era of console development was the second resurgence of video games after a market crash from 1983 to 1985. Spearheaded by the 3rd generation consisting of heavy hitters like the NES and Sega Master System, it gave way to an era of constant development and innovation attempts. The Gameboy specifically hit a couple of key factors when it comes to your average person. No remember, this was during a time when large portions of people still didn’t really understand what a video game was, and a lot of them were even marketed as toys to help them sell. The Gameboy’s success lies in a few points that went a long way towards selling it specifically to people without a ton of video game experience. These were: price point, and usability. 

Let’s get into it! First off: price point! In 1989 the Gameboy launched with an introductory price of $90 in the US. Compare this to the Sega Game Gear releasing the following year for $150, and the Atari Lynx at $180. Retailing for HALF the price of a (at the time) big name competitor is kind of a big deal! Price point ties directly into something like accessibility for something being sold as a product, and needless to say paying less than $100 for something with Nintendo’s (again at the time) pedigree behind it put the Gameboy in the hands of a LOT of people. Next off: Usability! What does this mean? Well, this one is a bit rocky. To put it bluntly: the Gameboy was incredibly underpowered for its generation. (A Nintendo console underpowered? Never!) Why was this a good thing? From the perspective of someone trying to get the most “bang for their buck” so to speak, the Gameboy’s underwhelming specs gave it a bit of an edge. How you may ask? Battery life and cost! Let’s get the bad out of the way first by directly comparing the Gameboy and the Sega Game Gear. The old SGG was rocking not only a full colour backlit display in 1990, but also had a good bit more horsepower as far as its specifications go. Able to run full colour games at nearly 60fps on a handheld in the 90s is nothing to sneeze at! But the cost of that is 6 whole AA batteries that would die out in anywhere between 3-5 hours depending on the games you play. The Gameboy in comparison, had a simple dot matrix display that only showed in black and white. (or various shades of off-green if you’ve ever seen one in person.) 

The Gameboy as well couldn’t handle beefier games, with notable examples like Mario Land 2: The six golden coins having a good amount of slowdown due to its large chunky sprites and level assets. So its battery life must’ve been something special then? Compared to the Game Gear, absolutely. Clocking in at 15+ hours of battery life on just 4 of the same AAs the Game Gear uses, the Gameboy’s game time and price were unbeatable. 

This is why I think it's important to look at more than just a piece of hardware’s specifications when it comes to measuring success. And I can hear you. “Clair, why are we talking about the Gameboy and how it sold a bajillion units because it was more affordable and had Tetris on it? How does this relate to the Steam Deck?” Well my dear reader, let’s finally answer that and talk about the new Handheld Boom.

Part 4: The Steam Deck (part 2: OLED and new pricing)

So here we are! The year is 2023, the Nintendo Switch is 6 years old, the Steam Deck has been selling decently well, and I need to wrap this whole thing up. In November 2023, Valve announced the Steam Deck was getting some pricing adjustments, as well as a brand new model that included better battery life and a slightly larger OLED screen for better picture quality. The Introduction of the new OLED model not only introduced 2 new tiers of Steam Decks to choose from (the new OLED 512gb model for $550 and the OLED 1tb model for $650), but also locked in ONE of the previous Steam Deck LCD models as the only LCD model available, for a price cut! If you go back and look at the old pricing, the 256gb LCD model used to cost $530. Due to the OLED models knocking out the lower tier LCD models entirely, the price has now been locked at just $400. Why does this matter? Well, just like with the Gameboy, you’re making some sacrifices for the lower cost. The higher tier OLED models have nicer screens and better batteries, but also cost a good bit more. Just as well, the Steam Deck is in NO way one of the beefiest PC gaming devices on the market. 

In recent years more and more PC handhelds have been coming out to try and cash in on what the Steam Deck has set up. My personal favourite example is the ROG Ally, and AMD powered handheld that for all intents and purposes, outpaces the Steam Deck in raw power. So why aren’t people flocking to the Ally? Well the basic model clocks in at around $600, and can be upgraded with a better processor for another $100. Looking at just the basic models for both, the Steam Deck wins out on being just the right amount of a powerhouse it needs to be for just over half the price of the Ally. This matters because that’s going to appeal to different parts of the market and landscape as a whole. 

I hold the opinion that the Steam Deck serves as an EXCELLENT initial entry point into PC gaming for someone who has only ever played on console. It offers that console experience the Steam Machines tried so hard to at a price point that most people interested in game consoles are paying nowadays anyway. A PS5 cost $500, and a PS4 (the console the deck is most likely to be on par with) launched for $400. I find it a much easier sell to get someone who wants to get into PC to play with friends, or have a Switch-like experience for games not available on it, than trying to tell them the $700 one gets more FPS and has a better processor. It all comes down to those factors of price point and usability. It's been so interesting to see the Steam Deck rise into popularity in so many corners of the internet that I hang around in. I haven’t even talked about how emulating on the Steam Deck is one of the most seamless and easy to set up processes I’ve ever seen! With arguably the best LCD model option now locked at the introductory price for most modern game consoles, it’s so neat to see what could genuinely be considered a truly NEW game console enter the fray. And a handheld at that! Part 5: I am just one woman (conclusion and thanks)

Hey there! If you read through all this garbled nonsense I’d like to extend a small thank you. I also want to take a second to say that I’m not presenting any of this as objective facts. Yes I have listed facts in this article, but as the title of this section says, I am just one woman. These are my overly excited thoughts on a phenomenon I’ve observed in my own time and wanted to share with anyone who would read it. Thanks a ton for reading! I’ll be back with more ramblings at some point, but for now let's part with this: The Steam Deck is an awesome piece of tech that I feel really shakes up the gaming space. I’m not sponsored by anyone, I’ve only been paid in the satisfaction of writing. If you’re someone who doesn’t dabble much in PC gaming, and are planning to buy a new console, maybe give the Steam Deck a try! I definitely plan on getting one after watching some stuff on the EmuDeck frontend for emulation and being thoroughly impressed. That’s all for now, see ya around! -Clair (FembotY2K) (sources below the cut!)

[thefrogdalorian]

It's New Year's Eve and I just wanted to share some mushy thoughts about life and Mando and Din and how this year has been overall for me!!

If you don't want to read below the cut I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year!! I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever you do to celebrate. I'm currently on a trip so I may not be terribly active, but if you're struggling and the emotions of the day are a little too much, please do message me. I've been there plenty of times. You're not alone. NYE should really be about looking to the future rather than dwelling on the past, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in that depressive loop of thinking.

But if you do want to keep reading, then strap in for some Oversharing Online and gushing about how much Mando means to me:

I first started watching Mando during the pandemic in 2020, I think the first episode released like 2 days after the UK went into lockdown or something. 2020 was an awful year for me, as I'm sure it was for so many of you. A lot of things happened to me that I'm still trying to process but I hope to start therapy in the new year and go some way to addressing it.

Anyway, The Mandalorian came to me at a time I dearly needed it. It was welcome relief from The Horrors I was experiencing. I was hooked pretty much straight away, who was this mysterious man? What were his intentions? Was he good or bad? OH WOW THAT WALK. THAT VOICE!!! I loved it, but it wasn't until The Believer that everything changed for me. It went from enjoyment to full-blown obsession. I couldn't wait until Season 3 aired, and I think the expectations I had built up in my head could never have lived up to the reality of what I felt upon watching it for the first time. I was pretty disappointed most weeks, but I feel so differently now.

This year has been pretty strange for me. I had some amazing highs (like being able to go to Star Wars Celebration where I got to see so many amazing Din and Mandalorian cosplays which was an INSANE experience and I still kind of haven't properly processed yet??) and also some difficult lows.

In June I finally got my autism diagnosis, something I'd been essentially waiting for for EIGHT YEARS. It was a huge shock but also not shocking at all. As in, I knew I was autistic since being a teenager but I was absolutely not expecting to be told right there and then at my assessment. So when the psychologist looked me in the eye and told me that I was autistic it was somewhat of a gut punch. Processing it was extremely difficult but during that time I found myself drawn back to Mando and particularly to season 3. I rewatched it again and again fell in love with a season that I'd probably felt on the whole underwhelmed with at the time, until the last two episodes, which I loved instantly.

When rewatching it, I noticed things that I'd missed before, which led me to become kind of obsessed with the idea of Din and Bo together. I know not everyone enjoys that but that truly is what I love about media, that we can all watch a similar thing and interpret it differently! I don't think I'm any more correct about the way I view certain interactions than anyone else. Shipping should just be a little fun, not ruin your mental health or dictate how you treat strangers on the internet. And it especially should not lead to any real world harassment of creators and actors.

So in September an idea formed and between then and November a 182,000 word fic landed in my lap. That's the best way I can describe writing it for me, I was so fixated on finishing it and the plot just kept coming the more I wrote. It is by FAR the longest thing I've ever written and probably ever will write, but the routine of writing it and publishing it helped claw me out of a spiral I was in after my diagnosis.

And it was publishing it on AO3 that gave me the confidence to rejoin a fandom space again. It was a big step for me to put myself out there but I'm so glad that I did because that's what led me here, to discover this wonderful community who adore Din and The Mandalorian just as much as I do. I'm so happy that I finally found my way here. It was way less intimidating than I ever thought it would be!

I know that I haven't been here for the longest time, I wish I just got over my nervousness and made a tumblr earlier in the year so I could have joined in with the hype before season 3. But also considering how poorly received the season was overall, maybe it was for the best that I wasn't here.

Despite my relative newness here, I just wanted to say how welcomed I've felt and that is a truly lovely feeling. Thank you so much to everyone who has interacted with any of my posts and especially my writing in any way, big or small. It means a lot to me! I cannot wait to be around for all the buildup to Season 4, honestly. I know it seems so far but after midnight we can say it's (probably) only NEXT YEAR!

I have no idea what 2024 has in store for me. That doesn't scare me, in fact I'm quite excited about not knowing what will happen. I

Of course, I have some goals I'd like to achieve for myself but whatever happens, I know that Mando will be there to endlessly rewatch and whatever comes my way, I'll always have Din Djarin. He's the only man to ever exist! That gorgeous tin can who instantly soothes me every time I get to watch his silly little exploits with his silly little son. Where would we be without him, eh?

Anyway, whatever you're doing tonight to celebrate and even if you aren't, I wish you all the best. Stay safe, enjoy yourself and I'm sending you lots of love and light for the year. May 2024 be a healthy, happy prosperous year for you and your loved ones.

See you in 2024!

Love,

Spud 🥔🐸

[drarrygirl27]

Hello Peeps!

I haven't been on here in a long ass time once again. At this point, I think it's just to be expected of me. LOL! 😆

Anyway, a lot has happened since I last posted. So... First of all, Nezuko is doing well. She's already a year and 4 months old already. Where in the hell did the time go?! She hasn't gotten too much bigger though which is why Doug and I both refer to her as our forever kitten. She's on the lean and petite side which is pretty common when it comes to female cats. She has recently gotten fixed, but if her surgical site looks like it is mended at least for the most part (It's been healing very well from what Doug and I have seen throughout this week.) by the time Doug gets back from work today (This is officially her 7th day of recovery since we had her fixed.), she'll finally get to be completely free and not have to stay in a relatively well sized dog kennel for most parts of the day anymore which would be awesome for all because she's missed her freedom to do as she pretty much pleases in the apartment and Doug and I have missed her and her kitty cuddles and such and she has missed that as well. We have fairly recently allowed her some supervised time out of the kennel in our bedroom with the door shut so she can get a little exercise and such which of course she has really liked and just yesterday, she went back and forth here and there between where Doug was at and where I was at in our bedroom to get some good quality time and get nuzzles, snuggles, and cuddles in too as well.

Second of all, we've had another cat for probably about 2-3 months now considering that he was estimated to be 6 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days old on May 30th for when him and Nezuko both got fixed. His name is Tanjiro. Unfortunately, with a lot of things that were going on at that time and the time before then, we couldn't seem to find the time, money, and or energy in some cases to get some things done including getting both Nezuko and Tanjiro fixed at technically a good or decent time so that by now, they could have been properly socialized and such, but recently we've been getting some things going and prepared which is good because of the 3rd really big thing that has been going on for a long while now. However, before I get to that, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for when it comes to anything and everything pertaining to all of these crazy changes. We are most definitely going to need it for many reasons. You'll see why for when I mention the 3rd and biggest change that is very life-changing in and of itself that is happening in the Jones and Filkins household.

Third of all, I'm pregnant! Doug and I both have been trying to get pregnant from June 1st of last year. I officially stopped taking my birth control pills on that day after we discussed it with my OB prior to that. I started feeling mild nausea for about 3 months starting in August or September I want to say in the early morning hours to about late afternoon hours of the day everyday and around that time and sometime after my period had started to regulate naturally, my flow was starting to fluctuate in quantity here or there (I made myself some charts that went from that specific pack of my birth control pills, including listing the last day I took one, and the day I stopped taking them altogether, that I was stopping on to June of next year because that's what my OB suggested for Doug and I to do before looking into our fertility and such like that (Not the detailed month charts. Writing down the month charts was my idea to keep track of things.). Then there was some spotting here and there happening more and more frequently as the months went by until there was almost nothing to absolutely nothing really showing up sometime in September or October if I'm remembering the months correctly so Doug advised me to take some pregnancy tests. I took the first two from the package on Nov. 5th and both the digital and + or - said positive. Well I did my due diligence just to be on the safe side of things and waited exactly a week after Nov. 5th to take the second two from that exact same package (a digital and + or - one) relatively around the same time in the morning that I took the first two and both of those also said positive.

We both were pretty sure that I was pregnant given my symptoms and the 4 positive tests that were taken exactly as the directions written in the pamphlet, but whenever we told his immediate family about it, we did both say that it's still just a possibility that I could be pregnant and that this wasn't technically an official announcement and that we won't know for sure for sure until getting it officially confirmed with my doctors so to please not say anything about it to anyone else until we get confirmation on it. They were of course very excited just like we were about the real possibility that I could be pregnant.

Fast forward to Nov. 28th, where we get told by my primary physician that the pregnancy test that they just did had come back positive. So... By that point, we have 5 pregnancy tests in total all saying positive which in and of itself was incredibly surreal, but nothing and I mean absolutely nothing could have prepared me for how more surreal things could get until I went to get my first out of 4 total ultrasounds I've had done where I got to see my baby for the first time right there in front of my eyes on the screen and hear their heartbeat on Dec. 7th. No words that I could ever think to say would be able to describe even a little bit of the feelings that I felt hardcore while I was seeing this little human inside of me and hearing their heartbeat especially for the first time. That was the moment it felt incredibly real, but still so surreal at the same time. After trying to conceive for just a small number of months, Doug and I were officially on our journey of parenthood.

So... As you can see here a lot of changes are heading mine and Doug's way and any day now I'll be having our baby because I am now according to the What to Expect App, 39 weeks and 5 days along and the estimated due date is literally this Sunday, June 9th which is insane because my own birthday is this coming Monday. Either way, you look at it Doug is going to be dealing with not only two Geminis (We be crazy sometimes. We're fun, but things can get crazy with us here and there.), but two female Geminis. May the Lord and all the highest, bless him and his soul is all I have to say. LOL! 😆

So... Yeah those are the biggest changes from last year to now that has happened and or is happening still. Oh and Doug and I both have a raise coming up in September and it's actually a really good one to be honest especially his because he gets paid more as a Plumber for the school district than I do as a Custodian for the school district, but what I have coming my way per hour is pretty damn good. I'm not at all complaining about it. Oh and another thing, whenever I get back to work from my maternity leave, I'll be at a different campus. I'm going to miss my boss and my co-workers and the people I've cleaned for and such, but I have to do what is best for my daughter which is why I'm being transferred to a different campus so I can work the morning shift while Doug works the evening shift. I'm a bit nervous and anxious about it, but a tad bit excited too because while the morning shift custodians get paid a little less than evening shift custodians do, it's also usually from my very little experience doing it at other school campuses a bit easier cleaning wise so that's a plus in my book especially being a new mom and all. My new work shift will be 6 am-2:30 pm instead of 2:30 pm-11 pm, but I know I'll be all right. I adjust to different work shifts relatively well. It'll take me, mind and body wise probably at most 2 weeks to adjust to that time difference especially as long as I allow myself enough time to eat a good breakfast and enjoy a cup of coffee before getting my work day started.

Well... I believe that just about covers it really at least for now. Have a good day and Ttyl, Peeps!

Sincerely, Kendra E. Jones