#did I spend way too long thinking about this one scene in the show? maaaaaaybe

[thegingerwrites]

It’s like tuning into a radio frequency. The dial spins without his control and suddenly the audio sharpens into something intelligible.

I bet your Master found you difficult at times.

He’s still new to this. Dying and then living on, they don’t come as naturally as one might think. He came to in Obi-Wan’s arms, filled with Light for the first time in years. The first thing he heard in his new sort-of life was his name, the one his mother gave him, and Obi-Wan’s voice. Anakin.

It was enough joy to nearly break him. The pendulum swung so hard as to nearly topple over before finding something like balance.

He likes the feeling of it, balance. He understands now why the masters at the temple harped on it so much. Obi-Wan says that he might be more balanced than any of them now, that he understands more intimately than anyone what lies in the dark and what it means to find the light.

There is so much and so little to do in this kind of existence. The whole of the universe has opened up to him and it’s overwhelming to say the least. Obi-Wan says it is natural to stay close to those one knew in life, guiding them when necessary but more often than not simply offering a comforting presence.

He never had much experience with Force ghosts in life. He didn’t have that kind of intimate connection with a Force user until later in life and then spent so many of his years denying it. He didn’t know that Obi-Wan sometimes sought guidance from Qui-Gon after he passed. He didn’t know how often he failed to receive it. The thought tears at him, a little. Even though it’s in the past.

Anakin never got to finish my training.

The sound of his name coming from her brings the scene rapidly into focus, like giving a holoprojector just the right thump, the image shifting from electric blue fuzz to life-like clarity in an instant. He sees Ahsoka, knows the conversation she is having and who she is speaking to. He knows what she is about to say even if he can’t quite make himself believe it just yet.

Before the end of the Clone Wars, I walked away from him. And the Jedi.

The memory doesn’t hurt him anymore. Once, it was a wound he was unsure he would survive.

She did the right thing then. She became stronger for it. He is so relentlessly proud of her even now.

Sometimes even the right reasons have the wrong consequences.

This is the part that makes him want to shake her, to appear physically and give her a piece of his mind. It takes him a second to process her meaning, but once he does, once he thinks he does, he wants to make her take it back.

“How could she say that?” Anakin says—shouts to Obi-Wan. “She thinks she’s responsible? For everything that happened? For me?”

He knows Obi-Wan wasn’t paying particular attention to this conversation, but he forces Obi-Wan to listen in. He suspects that his new presence in the Force keeps Obi-Wan more present as well. That without him, Obi-Wan might have already joined the great oneness that is the Force. He suspects Obi-Wan likes it this way instead.

“She doesn’t really think that, does she?”

Obi-Wan strokes his beard, a habit he developed in life and hasn’t given up in death. “She’s lived a long life. Plenty of time to come to terms with what happened.”

“But how could she blame herself? She was a child. She should blame me, blame Palpatine. Someone actually responsible.”

Obi-Wan smiles at him a little sadly. “I happen to know something of guilt myself and it isn’t always logical.”

Anakin scoffs. “I might not be able to tell her how I feel but I can knock some sense into you right now. You weren’t to blame either. I was an adult. I made my own choices.”

Obi-Wan holds up both hands in mock surrender. “Don’t worry, I accepted things as they are long ago. I only mean to suggest that knowing something to be true and feeling it are two entirely different things.”

A lesson Anakin has learned intimately.

“You’ll get your chance to set things right in due time,” Obi-Wan says, placing a gentle hand on Anakin’s shoulder. They aren’t exactly corporeal as they are but they both had bodies long enough to find the gesture comforting. “I know it.”

Anakin takes a deep breath—another unnecessary gesture but one that accomplished the goal of calming him down. He releases his outrage to the Force and finds the same understanding as Obi-Wan. The opportunity will come, he just has to be patient. He finds that patience comes easier to him now than it ever did before.

What do we do then?

We wait. We hope. We fight. And we do better the next time. We have to.