#dickson nearby yelling that that they need to get a room

[seizeourdestiny]

Sometimes, you need a little help getting bandaged.

Alternate caption: bro, is it gay to bandage up your best friend who you resent and are kinda starting to hate?

[chaletnz]

Edinburgh's Attractions

The day in Edinburgh began a lot like how I spend most other days as a tourist in a new city - with a free walking tour! Our guide James gathered us together as a group of 30 or so at the Royal Mile (which isn't actually a mile but it a so-called "Scottish Mile" of around 200m more than a regular mile). Our first stop was at the city chambers for our first history lesson of the tour after some quick introductions. Of course we began with the history of the city of Edinburgh, built between three volcanoes with the Royal Mile actually lying on top of layers of volcanic rock. James told us about the grisly death of William Wallace involving being hung until he was almost dead then tied to four horses who tore him into quarters as they ran in different directions. Then we played a game of guessing how many storeys high the city chambers building was - of course it looks 4-5 storeys but because of Edinburgh's hilly disposition the correct answer was actually 11! We stopped at the Market Cross which is one of the oldest structures in Edinburgh, it's from 1885 and actually isn't even the original but rather one created slightly further up the Royal Mile to replace the wooden original. As history would have it thieves and criminals were nailed to the cross for 24 hours for their crime, but apparently if they wished to free themselves they could simply yank themselves off the cross but some flesh might remain on the cross... now there is a unicorn on top - the national animal of Scotland. Nearby we visited the Parliament building of Edinburgh which now serves as law courts since they built a new parliament building (and went over budget by £5 million...). In the small square outside there was a statue of Charles the 2nd on a horse, however the sculptor had accidentally sculpted the wrong person's head so he simply continued the statue and left the original head on top. But he was very annoyed that he'd been scolded for his mistake so he left a hole in the top of the head and also in the bottom of the horse Charles was riding so each time it rained the horse would appear to be peeing all over the square. We passed the John Knox Presbyterian church and James pointed out a small plaque on parking spot 23 which is the actual burial place of John Knox. We were all surprised to be standing on top of a grave and jumped back but he reassured us with a very Scottish "don werry!" On our way to the High Kerk we heard some bagpipes to make our tour properly Scottish, then were told the story of how one woman protested the changing of official religions in Scotland by throwing a chair in the church and supposedly it led to the civil war in the U.K. There is a commemorative statue inside - to the chair, and also an angel playing the bagpipes. On the footpath nearby we stopped at the stone heart which is where an old toll booth used to be. We were all invited to spit into the middle of the heart as apparently tradition would have it! A slight detour and we were in a hidden close (one of 36 down the length of the Royal Mile), here James told us the story of Deacon Brodie who was a problem gambler and also the head locksmith in Edinburgh. He went broke and started robbing the residents of the city blind for 20 years and somehow ended up as the head of task force assigned to catch the Edinburgh thief! Eventually he was discovered and fled to Amsterdam but was caught and taken back to be hung on gallows that he had designed himself. Next we saw a trip step alarm system preserved in a wall, one step was strategically lower than the rest so that a thief would always trip and fall causing the inhabitants of the house to be alerted to their presence. Around the corner James explained to us how in Edinburgh they built living quarters underground and this meant that the sewer systems couldn't be run through here. Instead, waste was thrown from the windows after yelling out to passersby to watch out. Apparently the term shit-faced originated because of this - being drunk and getting hit by someone's flying waste! We took a short break and then visited the Grassmarket where we saw the gallows that hung Half-Hung Maggie Dickson; she was hung until dead and headed to the cemetery when she suddenly sat bolt upright in her coffin. She lived a further 40 years and since she had been declared legally dead she didn't need to pay taxes, and her marriage was annulled so she could marry the man of her affair. Our last stop was the Greyfriar's kirkyard, as we walked through James told us that the soil is so soft that tombstones are always falling, cracking and breaking, but slightly more chilling is the fact that bones often find their way to the surface. On one tour a participant found an entire jawbone! Luckily there is a place in the church to return any accidentally discovered bones so they can be re-buried. From the cemetery we could see the backside of the cafe where JK Rowling wrote her first three Harry Potter books. She sat at the window table and looked out over the kirkyard and the castle and that was some of her inspiration for Hogwarts. Following the Harry Potter theme we saw another of Rowling's inspirations - the grave of William McGonagall, a failed poet famous only for being so terrible. Our final stop on the tour was perhaps Scotland's most visited tombstone. James told us the last tale of John Gray who was an old man hired as the night watchman of the Greyfriar's kirkyard to prevent grave robbers digging up bodies in the night. He was lonely so he adopted a little dog called Bobby. John died after two years but Bobby lived to be 15 years old and guarded John's grave all those years, when he died he was buried just outside the cemetery because dogs cannot be buried on sacred grounds but a large tombstone was put up in the cemetery in memoriam and now tourists visit to leave sticks and balls and dog treats. After the tour I wandered around a few shops and up to the castle for a look. Later I was booked in for The Scottish Whiskey Experience which I'd been really looking forward to. It began with a barrel ride to explain the whiskey making process and then we all sat in front of a huge 180 degree screen to show each region of Scotland with crisp flyover footage and describe the type of whiskey they produce there. Each of us on the tour had our own scratch n sniff card so we can smell an aroma from each region to choose a taster for ourselves. The next room was a classic tasting room where we each took a dram of our chosen region - of course I couldn't resist a peaty Islay! The final room on the tour was a cased collection of 3384 bottles of whiskey - the largest collection in the world including centuries-old bottles which had almost evaporated in their bottles. I had signed up for the extended tasting so I had a tray of four more drams to taste then I wanted to try a Campbelltown whiskey as I'd never tried one from that region before, and then I also wanted to try a Ben Nevis because the flavours sounded like a delicious combination for me. Of course it was a lot of whiskey in one go and I ended the evening drunkenly stuffing my face at Five Guys (my favourite burger place and I'll eat with no shame!) and sending Snapchats to my friends. All in all a fantastically informative and enjoyable day in the beautiful city of Edinburgh!